I've Had It - An Exit-Only Hole for Me

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

We all know Jennifer and Pumps love a good dramatic reading and this time we’re taking our talents to the review section of Amazon. From depressing cookbooks for one, jumping the gun on a bulk order of condoms and a great gift idea if you’re looking to get rid of your in-laws, Amazon has it all. Pumps also has a shocking revelation about what’s really going on with a***** bleaching. Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Thank you to our sponsors: BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/HADIT today and get 10% off your first month. Jenni Kayne: Find your forever pieces @jennikayne and get 15% off with promo code HADIT at jennikayne.com! #jennikaynepartner HelloFresh: Go to hellofresh.com/50ivehadit and use code 50ivehadit for 50% off plus free shipping! Lume: New customers get $5 OFF a Lume Starter Pack with code HADIT at lumedeodorant.com. That equates to over 40% off your Starter Pack. Apartments.com: The place to find a place - www.apartments.com Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit ARTICLE.COM/HADIT and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. CareOf: This episode is sponsored by CareOf, visit takecareof.com and use code 'hadit50' for 50% off your first order. Babbel: Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners - Get 55% off your Babbel subscription at Babbel.com/IVEHADIT today! Draft Kings: Download the DraftKings Casino app NOW, sign up with promo code HADIT, and new customers get a deposit match up to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more! Only on DraftKings Casino with promo code HADIT.  Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

So we're supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. Excellent. Listener. Pumps has a sore throat. But being the star of the show, she is going to power through because the show must go on and not having her here. As you all know, it is simply not an option.

But I realize we've been remiss these last three or four weeks and not discussing the fact that we both are six foot three, two hundred and fifteen pounds. Yes. That's absolutely right. Absolutely right. Kylie, are you six foot three, two hundred and fifteen pounds? That's exactly what I am right Yeah, I know I just I realize that all you have to do to become something is just say it or write it down

So I am an astronaut and an astrophysicist and a Nobel Peace Prize winner weighing in at two hundred and fifteen pounds and measuring at six-foot-three inches. I am a marine biologist and a playboy bunny. Six-foot-three, 215 pounds. Kylie, what are you? I'm completely innocent and not going to jail and I'm six-seven-two-fifteen So I'm doing 15 pounds. To say best answer goes to the millennial. I mean, that was good. Listen, we have a treat for you today. And so I'm just going to go ahead and welcome you to I've had it.

I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie with my sexy voice. Sexy little pumps the star of our show. And do we have a treat and a half for you guys. As you all know, we love to do dramatic readings of the fuckery that people post on the internet. And one area we've neglected to date are Amazon reviews. Oh, yay. Yes.

So Kylie has been in the bales of Amazon, digging out a lot of stuff for us to review. And I'm just going to dig right into it because there's nothing more fun than fuckery on the World Wide Web. It's the best. Okay. This is a review of a giant beach ball. And as you can see in the scaled image here, this is how big the beach ball is. And it's actually taller than this grown man.

By a lot. Right. So if you're listening to the podcast, I would say the ball is knowing about scale for my other job, I would say it's about three to four feet taller than the man that bought it. Anyway, he gave this beach ball a two star review, and he titled his review, a fun way to ruin a weekend and blow a hundred bucks. We took this beach ball to the beach, and after close to two and a half hours to pump it up, we pushed it around for about 10 fun-filled minutes. That was when the wind picked up and sent it, huddling down the beach at about 40 knots. It destroyed everything in its path.

Children screamed in terror at the giant inflatable monster that crushed their sandcassels. Grown men were knocked down trying to save their families. The faster we chased it, the faster it rolled. It was like it was mocking us. Eventually, we had to stop running after it because its path of injury and destruction was going to cost us a fortune in legal fees. Rumor has it that it can still be seen stalking innocent families on the Florida

Panhandle. We lost it in South Carolina, so there is something to be said about its durability. My question is, why did... why did the beach ball get blamed for the wind? Really, isn't the beach ball's fault? He ordered an oversized beach ball. He got one. Well, I think this guy is saying, like, listen, you know, if you want your attorney, if you want, who's, who, you can't sue a beach ball, can you want your attorney, if you want who's who you can't see a beach ball can you, pops? Now, so if this beach ball rolls over your little darlings and breaks one of their bones, are you soon the beach ball? Are you soon this motherfucker?

I kind of think that he's over dramatizing a little bit. Could a beach ball really break an arm? I don't know. I'm like, how big that thing is. But it's full of air. break an arm. I don't know. I'm like, how big that thing is. But it's full of air. Well, apparently it caused a huge debris filled and scared a bunch of people. And I for one, you know, I'm happy that he put this on the internet because just in case I wanted to buy a giant beach ball. Now I know the hazards of doing that, that if it's windy, which oftentimes beaches have a bit of a breeze, being close to the ocean and all, you know, where the land meets the

water. I'm no meteorologist, but I've been to a few beaches and they can be windy. Yeah. So unlike you, I appreciate this man letting everybody know, and he didn't just give it a one-star. He gave it to. Because he had 10 fun-fold minutes. Yeah, he did not neglect those 10 minutes. Right.

So, that's why I think it got a two-star review. Did you guys know, in my research, I found this out, that you can order caskets on Amazon? No, I didn't. Legitimate caskets. Really? Where do they deliver them? To you. But I mean, what am I going to do with a casket at my house?

I think it's in case someone dies. No, I know, but when you deliver it directly to the funeral home, maybe you can. Think about how long when you order a casket, the Amazon driver is going to be blocking your driveway when he tries to pull that fucking thing out of his truck and take that into your house. I mean, that is a recipe for blocking stuff. Oh, awful.

And I'd probably run over it. Well, this guy bought a casket, a really nice one, on Amazon, and he left a five-star review. He said, have I heard a single peep from grandma since I got her this? That's funny. Okay. This is a review on a Roku streaming stick. Okay. Five stars. And the title is, so it either works great or she's dead.

Bought it for my mother-in-law and I haven't heard from her since I plugged it in. So either it works great or she's dead, either way that's five stars. He's ordering casket next. Because I like, whether it she's dead or deep diving, you know, binge watching, injecting this rocou into her veins, it's a five-star review either way, and I appreciate him. Oh my gosh, I think anybody that's been married can appreciate that.

I mean, that is so good. You know, the in-law situation is just universally. Bad. Yeah, it is just universally bad. Yeah, it's just universally bad. Yeah, because you have this dynamic where the person you're married to, they're that blood is thicker than water situation. Right.

And sometimes it supersedes or those family dysfunctions. Like here's one, like you marry somebody, and then the one thing that annoys you the most about them, you try to get to the deep dark bottom of where they got this negative attribute. And in your investigation, you discover that they got it from their parents. And because you have to live with the spouse, it's hard to be just And because you have to live with the spouse, it's hard to be just terminally angry in full of rage at the spouse and have any sense of serenity. So you just transfer that to the source and the creator of the problem.

Right. And you hate them on site. And you can just let it live there. And it just builds up and stuys. And yeah, because the reason your spouse is fucked up is because of your in-laws. Right. So you just, it's a really great thing to rage on.

Yes. And it's such an easy target. So easy. Kylie, who do you have? All right, this woman named Christine, she bought a plastic bristled toilet brush. Right. She writes two stars, too much pain.

Hahaha. Causes too much pain and agony. Don't know why it's so popular nowadays. I'm just gonna stick to toilet paper. So what? The fuck did you just say? Did she stick it up her ass to wipe her ass? Yeah.

She scrubbing her ass? She scrubbed her ass with it. I mean, that put the, uh, uh, titty rub hooker bath the shame. I mean, can you imagine if you walked in and somebody was scrubbing their ass with the toilet brush? Talk about an exfoliation. Kylie, do you think she was kidding? It does say verified purchase. This woman really ordered it. Verified purchase. I have to ask you guys something.

I don't know if we've talked about. It's just in the subject of assholes. The bleaching. See, my whole thing is nobody's ever going to see it. But if you're doing anal stuff, I would just assume shave it versus diet. I mean, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think we're talking about different things here. Bleaching your asshole. I think they bleached the skin around this finger.

Oh, I always thought it was bleaching the hair. You learned something new every day, and I've had it. You can be 54 years old and the star, 53 years old, much older than me, and the star of a sensation, podcasts, and all of this time, she thought they were bleaching hairs. I did, so wouldn't it burn?

That's why I brought it up. That's like giving me chills. Like what is going on with Kylie? Do young people do this now? People really do do that. Do they get special hair bleed? I mean, what do you use? It's not hair.

I know, I know, but I do they use hair bleach on the skin. I would assume since they're not bleaching the hair since it's been removed, that they're using skin bleach. But what do you bleach your skin with? I don't know. If it's Donald Trump, it probably just use chlorox.

I mean, that would burn. I don't know. I would like for the listeners to, that have bleached assholes to enlighten us on the process of asshole bleaching. And I want to know like, if you're into a lot of that, like is it a turn off of somebody's asshole? It's not bleached.

It's unbleached. Right. I just, I can't believe this whole time. I thought it was the hair. I just am kind of fascinated by it, but more than anything right now, I'm fascinated by the fact that you were today, years old, that you realized that they were bleaching the skin.

I had no idea. No. Wow. I love the thought of pumps going into her hair salon being like, you also do down there today. Did you bleach my asshole over here? Can you go ahead and foil the hairs on my ass? So I'd like a nice, like an ombre.

Yeah, yeah, nice ombre bleach job on my asshole hairs. One time I was getting chukered the very first time. And the girl said, do you want me to do it on your asshole? And I go, I don't have a hair on my asshole. And she said, yes, you do, I'm looking out. I'm like, no, I don't. Just ignore it. Because I was like, I didn't know until that day

that you had hair in your asshole. I don't know a lot about the asshole. It's an exit only for me. You're kidding. I wasn't picking that up, you knew nothing about the asshole. Wow. Pumps, when we have an in-studio guest

and we roll out our curvy white buccle sofa from article. I just feel like this sofa is so chic. We look so cute on it and it is so comfortable. I was so so surprised how comfortable. And it's so durable like that buclet fabric. It looks like super high-end and the prices are so fantastic. Article believes in delightful design for every home and thanks to their online only model They have some really delightful pieces too. They curate their assortment of minstering modern coastal industrial Scandi and boho designs and it makes furniture shopping so simple Articles knowledgeable customer care team is there when you need them to make sure your experience is smooth and stress-free. Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.

To claim, visit article.com slash had it and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash had it for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. So poms, I have been keeping something from you. Oh, what? I've been learning how to speak Italian. Oh, that's so impressive. You know, I love to go to Italy.

Yes. And I love the idea of speaking a different language. And so I thought I'd like behind your back, learn how to speak Italian. You want me to try some? I do. T. P. O. Che, El Mio podcast. What does that mean? Do you like my podcast?

Oh, very impressive. Because it's a Grazie. Say it. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie.

You need to get babble because that's what I've been doing. And listener, I'm going to tell you what, one in five Americans have had on their bucket list, learning foreign language. And I'm making my bucket list a reality and you can too. Here is a special limited time deal for our listeners to get you started right now, get 55% off your Babble subscription, but only for our listeners at Babble.com slash I've had it.

Get up to 55% off at Babble.com slash I've had it. It's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash I've had it. Rules and restrictions may apply. Pop, sometimes I get this anxiety and I'm not really certain what the source of it is, but with the podcast, my career, the kids, relationships. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed that talking to a friend just isn't going to really help me and I need to talk to an objective third party. I always feel better after I talk to a therapist. It's invaluable. It is completely invaluable, but the problem has been, how do you find the time with our schedule and the therapist's schedule? Because I've benefited so much from therapy.

So if you're thinking about starting therapy, get better help at try like pumps and I have. It's entirely online, it's convenient, flexible, and suited to my schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch it any time. Get a break from your thoughts with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month.

That's better help, h-e- help.com slash had it. This episode is sponsored by Care of. Pumps when I walk into like a health care store, I'm like what am I supposed to take? Right. Which one of these supplements is going to be suitable for me? And it's like this minefield and I don't know what to do. But you're the one who turned me on to this carab where you go online and you take a quiz. And then they give you a doctor-backed recommendation as to which supplements are best for you. And then should your needs change, you can retake the quiz at any time. And all of this is delivered right to your front door. So I cannot thank you enough for turning me on to CARE up because you look dynamite as everyone is absolutely

noticed, thanks to CARE up. For 50% off your first CARE up order, go to takecareup.com and enter code hadit 5-0. For 50% off your first CARE up order, go to takecareof.com and enter code had it 5 0. Here we have a review. It is a book review called Where is Baby's Belly Button? That's the name of the book. It's a child's book.

She titles her review spoiler alert. This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding baby's belly button. The title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby's belly button is right where it's supposed to be on the baby stomach right where it clearly shows you on the cover of the book. This plot is a complete mess as a result of its reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is. Everything falls apart.

The second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict, there is no character development, there is no, there is scarcely any plot. Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgment because you would have, have to be an infant to not immediately understand where the baby's belly button is. This is one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read. Okay, I'm faulting the buyer. Why the fuck do you buy a book? Where's baby's asshole? I'm sorry, I'm still I'm still thinking about asshole. Where's baby's asshole? Hey, now that's the guy. Right. That's that's that's of today. Here's baby's asshole. Somebody's head is still in the ass. I am.

I'm still sitting here going, oh my God, people bleach their assholes. But I mean, there's no mystery there. She had to have known it couldn't have been that hard of a read. I'm gonna go out a little and here and say, I think this is probably satire. I think some people are pretty funny in the, I think so.

Oh, so some people like write Amazon comments. Yes. The fun. Yes. And fun. Yes. And bleach their assholes. All right. This one is for a product called Baby Mop. Your baby helps cleaning the house.

So it's a onesie that's got like mop. The bottom of it is a mop. So when they crawl around, they clean your house. Oh, two birds one stump. Exactly. Get your baby in an outfit and then let it scoot around the floor and play in disinfectant chemical stuff on the floor. That was my first time.

Smart. Smart. Okay. This person wrote in the reviews, my floor has never been cleaner. The only problem is that my child has outgrown the suit and I'm having to rent children from the neighborhood to keep the forest clean. You know what? I mean, it's a really smart way to skirt the child labor laws.

It is. You know, like you got a baby, it's scooting around on the floor all the time. That baby can't get a job. No. God knows it has a lot of expenses, for sure. And so you just, you know, put some floor cleaner on the floor and put the baby mop on your baby and just let it go to town.

Consequences be damned. Renting children in the carcinogens, your second of my, I don't give a shit. You need to pay for something. Right. I realize you're only eight months old, but if I can do something with your life. Okay.

I realize you're only eight months old, but if I can do something with your life. Okay, this is a one star review. Looks like on a bag of gummy bears. Yes, that what it is, Kylie. Okay, and the title of this review by Christine is just don't, unless it's a gift for someone you hate. Christine is just don't unless it's a gift for someone you hate. Oh man, words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The gummy bear cleans if you are someone

that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you were like the dozens of people that tried my order run. First of all, for taste, I would rate these a five. So good. Soft, true to taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety. I was just a happy camper, but, or should I say, but be you TT. Not long after eating about 20 of these all hillbroke loose, I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I have ever imagined.

Cramps sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish, and that was almost like a skip in the part compared to what was going on inside of me. Then came the flulence. Ha ha ha ha. Heavens to God, the sounds like trumpets calling the demons back to hell, the stench, like 1000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. And it went on for hours.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There were stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. I had five pounds of these innocent looking delicious tasting hellbearer, so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it had to be some type of sensitivity. I had to the sugar substitute. In in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands silly woman All of the same for her and the phone call from her while on the toilet because you kind of end up living in the bathroom for a spell Telling me she really wish she would have listened,

I think she was actually crying. First of all, I think that person could write a good solid belly button book and make it interesting. I mean, she's a great writer. And then somebody does a follow up, five star review on the product and says, the title of it is, I deal gift for your congressional representatives. Five stars. The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you're buying something over the internet that is exactly

what you are searching for. I'm sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude. I love the friend was like, I'll try it. That's what you would do. I would totally do that. That's what I thought. Pumps is the type of friend where I'm like, oh my god, the stink so bad and her meatiness, let me smell it. I do, it's weird.

And I'm like, oh, this tastes terrible. Oh, let me taste it. Oh, yeah, that is horrible. I mean, it's like, I'm miserable and she wants to accompany me. And that is true. True love soulmate friendship, right? Yes, it is. I was thinking when she read that, when you were reading that, she has a really good friend. She does have a very good friend. Listener, if I'm like if Pumps and I are traveling in the summer and I'm thinking I get a whiff of B.O. From somewhere, I'll kind of like, you know, go to sniff myself.

2.5 seconds later. Pumps as nose is one centimeter from the epicenter of my armpit and it's not just a casual inhale. It is a that. Yeah, and she's like, oh, no, it's not me. It must be Somebody else. Well, I mean, friends do not let friends run around with. Yeah. You don't. And I want to say that your ability to stick your nose one centimeter from the epicenter of all that shit going on in my armpit is just it makes me feel love. And maybe if your nose had ever been close to an asshole,

you would have known that it had hair on it. I would have known it had hair on it. I would have known people bleach it. Now I'm really interested to know if the non, if the bleachers are turned off by the non bleachers. That's what we need to know. Somebody tell us. I'm interested in it.

I'm not impersonally doing it. But I am interested in the facts. I want to know the facts. I want to know'm interested in it. I'm not personally doing it, but I am interested in the facts. I wanna know the facts. I wanna know the psychology behind it. I wanna know the demographics. Yeah. Kylie, do you know people your age that bleach assholes? I don't know anyone, but I do know it's like a common thing.

Straight people, gay people both. I would imagine all, because women, yeah. I think all. I mean, the people that I. I would imagine all, because women, yeah. I think all. I mean, the people that I've heard talk about it are women. Yeah. So I would, I just, again, do you know what they were talking about, really? You know what? I don't know what my asshole looks like.

I don't know what my asshole looks like. I think we should take photos of our assholes. Just put my face on there. That's what mine looks like, I'm sure. Can't look much worse. This next one is for BIC pins. They launched a line called BIC for her. Okay. And they are pins that are pastel colored. Okay. It's kind of offensive. Yeah. This woman writes, I love BIC crystal for her. The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors makes it perfect This woman writes, out of voter application, but Bitt crystal for her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today. I love that. That I can figure out a satire. Yes, very good. Pumps cracked the case.

Here's the deal. I'm with her. That pans for women that are pastel colors. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. Absolutely. Go fuck yourself. Yeah. And I thought they were probably being so, it's like an underhanded compliment. Right. Like we're so pro women and here's your little pink pin. Right. So you can make recipe card that you can handle.

Right. We wouldn't want to give you a big black or blue pin or red one. Right. Now I've had it. Okay. All right. The next one is a four-star review on Amazon for one of those. You know the sun visors that you put on a sunny day across your windshield from the inside. I think they're so stupid. Well, somebody puts one up on their car, buys one, and then puts it up on their car, and gives it a four-star review.

And the title, this guy's name is Josh, and the title of this is really hard to drive with this. I love this product. It keeps my car nice and cool. But I will say that the only defect I have found so far, it is very hard to drive with this on. I have had over five reps since I purchased it. After my first fender bender, I decided it was best to roll down the window and stick my head out and see the road. But even that is hard because my

eyes and mouth dry out. Since then I have purchased some swimming goggles and a snorkel, which has helped out tremendously during long drives. Overall, I would recommend this product, but only for those who are good at driving without being able to see the red. A plus. A plus. A plus for sure. You know, those things, I think they look so stupid and ugly, but I have to tell you, I've gotten in France car, cars that they've had them up on a hot day, keeps it a thousand times cooler.

I have no opinion on them. None. You don't look, I don't think they're dorky, I don't think they're stupid, I don't think they're ugly, I don't want one, I don't care if somebody else has one. I'm Switzerland on these things. See, I see those and I think, oh, that person must be 150 years old. That's what you think.

Yeah, but it's not. I'm just not as judgmental as you are. Oh, fuck off. Ha ha ha. All right, so this one is for a cat door that you can install yourself. Like a doggy door, but a cat door. Exactly.

Got it. Your favorite animal. Yeah. It's titled Better Than It Looks Online. Love this. I hate my wife's cat, but it made my wife pretty happy that the cat can come into our bedroom at will now and claw the dogs while they sleep.

I installed this in just a few minutes through some wood glue on to reinforce it, dried it out for a few hours, boom, it's sturdy and gets the job done. I hate that cat, but his door is pretty cool. That sounds like something you'd write. Right, yeah, that sounds good. I would have never put a cat door in there though. What I appreciate about him though is he hates the cat, but he takes care of the cat. Right, And he loves his wife. He loves his wife. Uh-huh. So he's humane and he enhanced that cat's life. Now that cat's able to come and go at will.

Yeah. I would say made the dog's life worse. Yeah. It's your takes the dogs while they're trying to sleep. But they all have to live together. I know. Okay. You just cat. Your anti-cat stance got us they all have to live together. I know. Okay. You're anti-cat.

Stan's got us a one star review recently. It did. Oh, it did. Yeah, let me find this in duer dramatic reading. You're tanking our ratings on Apple. Why would anyone care if I like a cat or not? Well, I don't know, but they fucking do. Why do you care about the fucking windshield?

The whole point of our show is carrying about stupid shit Captain obvious Okay, one star review from I emoji Boy with hand out like this emoji and a clap emoji. That's his bio Okay, and it says the title of this one star review is no One star Kat's hey e2 pops Here's the deal I'm fine with that. Absolutely. I mean, you know, I can live with that. Yeah, I mean, obviously, I mean, you just can't like everything. You can't. You can't. And you don't have to like cats.

But you can't be mean to cats. I'm not mean to cat. I'm not mean to cats, but I don't go around cats. Right, but you just cannot be mean to a cat. I'm never going to be mean to you. You've got to stop this cat abuse. I, I don't, I have been in five miles of a cat in 25 years bullshit. You've been to my house. I know, but that cat hides. Well, because it knows. Oh, shit. Because it hasn't had those martial arts classes to protect itself for me. Okay, here is a review on Amazon. And the user's, the buyer's name is The Beef. The title of the review is, be sure you really need 60 condoms before you buy 60 condoms.

So these are some great condoms, right? But I'm just here to give you all some life advice. I bought these back when I was in a relationship with someone way out of my league. I figured after how long we had been together, I should just start buying protection and bulk, right? So I buy 60 condoms and we keep getting at it for a while until she dumped me. Now I have this drawer by my bed full of completely

superfluous condoms. They sit there mocking me as I drunkenly cradle myself to sleep, cold, and alone in my pathetic excuse of an apartment. Great product though, 10 out of 10. I mean he was so optimistic when he bought 60. Yeah. Then he just has to stare on the face of disappointment. Yeah. I love that though. He gave it a good review. He liked the product. It was honest. And it was honest. This one is for a large order of kazoos, just a bag of a bunch of kazoos, little plastic ones. Okay, like a party favorite thing. Yeah. And e-parker writes,

their crap, but it's quantity over quality. Ha ha ha. Pass them out at a protest against the Westboro Baptist Church to drown them out. Not the loudest on their own, but when you've got 70 odd angry queers kazoeing in Unison, well. Genius.

Genius. We haven't really browbeat the Westboro Baptist Church as much as we need to on this podcast. Yeah, I mean, it's unbelievable. I read a book that a girl that was, her grandfather was the founder, and then she grew up in the church. She was like 22 or so,

and now she goes and speaks against it, but they like believe that shit. I mean, it's so culty that they honestly think they're saving people's lives by going and spreading all that hate. Yeah, it's, do you remember when we sent our kids to that like Jewish preschool? And they were like two.

And the Westboro Baptist Church was there. Do you remember that? I remember that. They were like, yes, it was like this weird random, I'm just like what, like, you think toddlers are, you know, spread rainbow flags at the Jewish preschool. It was weird. Are you sure they weren't like against Jewish people too?

I think, I mean, I think that was part about. I remember pulling in one day and I saw that like God hates F word. And and I was just like what and there wasn't that many. I'm there's like four or five. I was just like what a random place to protest. But I recently read in the news that the country of Canada has put a travel advisory on their LGBTQIA plus citizens, advising them to be cautious when traveling to specific states in the United States of America. Good for them. Land of the free.

Oh, yeah. So embarrassing. I mean, come back. Imagine, like that is the type of travel advisory that we, Americans think that we're going to face and, you know, going to some Sharia law style country. Right. And this is what they are passing here. And all the while, oh, I'm for freedom. Right, everybody can be free as long as they believe what I believe.

Right. As long as they're white, right, male, yes, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, right. And that's it. That's the list. And I think it's so horrible. And think about this. Think about if you were a parent raising a child in France or Germany. And your child said, I want to go study abroad in the United States. Would you want your child to go to a classroom in the United States of America? No. No, no, because the likelihood that they could get shot in their classroom is so off the chart high.

Right, but freedom, yep, as long as you're like us. It's just, it's this whole, like that whole side of the country is so in this fucking crazy echo chamber. And Kylie will post some of our stuff that we say like we're saying right now on the internet. And then I'll see the comments.

She'll post like on Instagram or wherever. And you see these crazed, unhinged cultists come out in the comment section because I forget because I don't have people like that in my life. I forget that they're out there because even in Oklahoma City you guys it's not like a super red city. It's very progressive and is getting more and more so and we live right in the center of the city. Sorry, I live in the center of the city.

Kylie lives in the center of the city. Pumps lives in the suburbs. So there's some feckery going on out there. But there's no trees in her neighborhood, but that's neither here nor there. It's just another grievance light had it that I've had for quite some time that I had wanted to get off my chest. We'll get your ass out there and plant some trees. If you're so worried about it. Why would I? In that cookie cutter depressing. I love my neighborhood. Oh, I get depressed the minute I turn into those gates. Anyway, Oh, I get depressed the minute I turn into those gates. Anyway, back to the point that I forget

these people are out there. I do too. And then you go to the comments section and they are like, deranged. Like this guy was just charged with 91 felonies. And there's no like, maga, Trump 2024, law in order. And I'm like, oh yeah. What?

It's unbelievable. I watched a video yesterday of a guy in Iceland and he was walking around and grabbing high school boys and girls and asking them, when you hear America, what's the first word that pops into your head? Like 90% of these kids said shootings, guns, school shootings. But nobody's going to do anything about it. No.

The other one was fat. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah, now it's a bad deal. And nobody with any power gives a fuck. You knew after Sandy Hook, like I was like, okay, they shot kindergarteners. Right, this will change it. This will change it.

This will be the moment that we changed this and No, I can't I mean it's a crazy how many shootings there have been since then. I mean, it's like I Think the only time we haven't had school shootings was during quarantine right yeah Or any type of you know shooting mall shooting. I mean every time I get on the news and the fucked up thing is how desensitized I'm getting to it. Right. I see the headline and then I just scroll on because it's like, oh, another shooting,

nobody's gonna do anything about it. I drove by a new dollar general the other, yesterday and I thought, oh my gosh, people are gonna be in there and someone went in there and shot them for being a dollar general or dollar store Whatever it is. Yeah, I think that particular shooting was race motivated. Absolutely. I mean, it's just awful Yeah, it's just A little bit off subject here, but every chance we can get on this podcast to browbeat this

total authoritarian hate-filled fascist segment of our politics. We middle-aged white women and one younger lesbian are going to stand up and do that every single chance we can get because it is not okay and everybody needs to talk about it. I agree. Everybody needs to talk about it. And all of this, oh, I don't needs to talk about it. I agree. Everybody needs to talk about it. And all of this, oh, I don't wanna talk about politics or oh, I don't like it when I talk about politics in your podcast.

What a nice life you must live. Right, into not care at all about other people's suffering. Yeah, what a luxury. Privileged. One can argue. Privileged. Step into a world of non-stop action on draft kings, casino, play the classics like Blackjack, Roulette, and Slots. Plus, enjoy exclusive games you can't find anywhere else. Right now, new customers can get a deposit match if up to $100 in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more.

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What's going on with all this Hello Fresh meal prep at your house? Oh my gosh, I love it. I feel like I'm such a great cook now. All of my ingredients are fresh. My kids absolutely love it. The variety, I would never imagine the variety of different foods. I absolutely love Hello Fresh. I mean every time I talk to you, it's like you

think you're Martha Stewart, you're in the kitchen prepping all this stuff and it's like you're way too busy to talk to me because you're in the throes of all this Hello Fresh stuff. It's like completely revamped you. I know. I'm just quite the little chef now. So domestic. It's unbelievable. Listener, if you want to be like pumps and be the star of your home. As pumps says, go to HelloFresh.com slash 50. I've had it and use code 50. I've had it for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. Again, go to HelloFresh.com slash 50.

I've had it and use code 5-0. I've had it for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Pops, as fall is starting to roll in, it's just time to do a little wardrobe update. Agree. You know, I love a little cashmere sweater. Nothing more perfect weight than a cashmere sweater. It's great for an airplane. It's great for if you go into a restaurant. It's great for a crisp fall walk. And you always

want to look stylish when you're exercising, correct? Absolutely. Or strolling through an airport, you don't want to be a slob. I would hate that. Our friends at Ginnycane have the best products. I'm telling you guys, these sweaters are so fantastic and they totally embody like California, contemporary clothing. I absolutely love the Kashmir cocoon. They're the best seller every season and I'm always most excited to style them each fall. Find your forever pieces at Ginnycane.com.

Our listeners get 15% off your first order when you use code had it at checkout. That's 15% off your first order. J-E-N-I-K-A-Y-N-E.com. Be sure to use the promo code had it. Let getting dressed be one less thing you have to worry about. Pumps. Seems like all you do lately is exercise. You're going to two or three exercise classes a day. And then you come swing by the studio and I'm thinking, boy, she's really gonna stink

and much to my surprise, you smell like a little blossoming flower, what's your secret? Lumi, I love their products. It's fantastic stuff. I can do it right after workout and I feel completely fresh to go on with the rest of my day. I love loomie because they have this cream and you know I'm an avid athlete both tennis and pickleball and so a lot of my body sweats during my training but particularly my feet and I'm able to rub this loomie cream on my foot before I put my sock and then

of course my courtshoe on and I mean I am playing like youumi cream on my foot before I put my sock and then of course my courts shoe on. And I mean, I am playing like you wouldn't believe and my feet are as fresh and clean as you could possibly imagine. All thanks to lumi. As a special offer for our listeners, new customers get $5 off a lumi starter pack with code had it at lumideodorant.com.

That equates to over 40% off your starter pack when you visit lumi deodorant.com and be sure to use the code had it. What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate? One who comes when you call? One who doesn't forget to lock the door? One who doesn't steal your milk. Just a little bit at a time, hoping you won't notice. At apartments.com, we understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be

your best bet. They're easy going, eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet. That's why we have the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet. And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment your perfect pet friendly place becomes available. So when you need a place that's pet friendly and human tolerant, check out apartments dot com, the place to find your pet friendly place. Okay, back to the matter hand, which is all of the fuckery going on on the Amazon reviews. We have digressed. So let me get back to it. Okay, so here is a microwave cooking for one cookbook. This one gets four stars by an Amazon customer. And the title of this one is Recipes to Salty. I found I had to cut back on the amount of salt in any given recipe because my tears

of loneliness often overseasoned whatever dish I happen to be heating. It's pretty good. It's good. Okay, the next review on the microwave cooking for one is a two-star review. And this one is titled Very Sad. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Probably one of the most depressing books I have ever read.

Ha ha ha ha. I cried for days. Ha ha ha ha. Very sad. Don't read alone at night by a candle. And there's here's one final one on this microwave cooking for one cookbook. And this one is a five star review. Oh, good. And it's titled as by Joe. And it's titled tip, multiply the ingredients to cook for more than one.

Isn't Joe Sassy? Joe writes, because of my extensive training in math, I have even noticed that if you double or triple the ingredients, you actually can serve two or three. Just be sure to get the math correct. I once multiplied the ingredients by six, but I only had three people to cook for. I ended up giving one person two servings and put two servings in the fridge. He thinks he's so cute. Because of my extensive training in math. I love all this Amazon reviews. I love the Amazon reviews and I've even gotten where I actually look at the reviews. Oh, you do? I do, because sometimes I'll be like,

oh my gosh, I love this product. It looks so good online and then all the reviews are like 2.5. So I'll be like, I'm out. Let me ask you this. Do you ever leave a review? Never, I've never left a review. Okay, that's helpful for this flirtation with caronism

that I've been monitoring. That's helpful to know that you're not leaving reviews. Yeah, no, that's too much energy. Okay. But I will have to say, I've gotten so bad that almost everything I buy, I buy for me, Amazon, because of the convenience. Let me ask you this.

You talk about going to Walmart all the time. What do you buy in at Walmart? Like fresh stuff. Okay. Like milk. Okay. Eggs, that Like fresh stuff. Okay. Like milk. Okay. Eggs, that kind of thing. Okay. But I do love a good Amazon purchase.

I love Amazon. And I know that we're all supposed to shop local and do all of those things. I know it's bad. But it's like all of that stuff, people are like, I love Costco. And I'm like, why do you want to schlep? Why? Why do you want to go in when you can have Amazon deliver it right to your front door, fight with the delivery truck driver doing his job and delivering you your stuff that

you're too lazy to drive the to the store and get over blocking your driveway. Why would anybody not want that in their life? I know. Because we wouldn't even have a podcast. No, we wouldn't have a podcast. No, we wouldn't have a podcast. Well, sometime we haven't really talked about this. What do we think about Jeff Bezos? You know, I love my Amazon so much.

I kind of like him and he seems like of the billionaires the best by far. So I did a deep dive on his fiancee's Instagram the other day, Lauren Sanchez. Yeah his fiance's Instagram the other day. Lauren Sanchez. She's gorgeous. And I think age appropriate, right? Age appropriate.

Gorgeous, Latina bombshell. And it's all about all this like environmental stuff. Like her whole thing is like, save the earth, clean the beaches. It's like all these environmental initiatives. And I agree out of all the billionaires, he seems to be the most likeable. And I know all of our young little democratic socialist listeners are probably going to be just going fucking bananas in the YouTube section. But I mean, he has, I mean, he itself made, I mean, he didn't inherit anything. He started the whole company in his garage, selling books. Yes. Yeah. so you got to give him an A for effort?

Yeah. He didn't inherit any money. None. That's amazing. Not that I'm not that I've read. I'm sure we'll get corrected different. But I'm pretty sure I went to his Wikipedia page at one point when I deep-dived. If he on says Instagram page, I went

and it was like that he had started Amazon in his garage. I do and I have a little bit more respect for him than he's married to someone who had to appropriate. Yeah, because he could have a 22-year-old supermodel if he wanted. Yeah. Not sure she'd be cuter than his current fiance. And didn't they just give like a hundred million dollars to something? I don't know, but I am going to say this, the rocket ships, the billionaires and Jeff Bezos is one of those quit blasting off into space. I wonder how you reconcile this, the space exploration with the saving of the earth. It's a good question, Pops. That is a really good question.

How do you save the planet while blasting CO2 up in the atmosphere for kicks for grans and giggles? I wonder if you're a millionaire and it's fiancee. Billionaire. Billionaire, if that's what you fight ever. Maybe, Kylie, what do you think of Jeff? I feel like I don't know a lot about him, which is why he seems like the most likeable. He's not saying stupid shit on the internet constantly.

So I'm not trying to go have a fighting match with Zuckerberg or Mask at the Colosseum. He could be an awful person, but he's just not letting us know. Right. He's smarter because he's hiding it better. Yeah. Yeah. What is his girl? What is his fiance? Yeah. What does she do? I think she was a journalist and she is a world class boyfriend picker. Absolutely. I need to get her to give me the best picker of boyfriends. She nailed it. Undefeated.

She nailed it. I was just like undefeated because he just bought this big yacht, like big fucking monster yacht. And so they were like touring all around the med. And so I saw on a poster, maybe on some news side, it was like all of her outfits and they're on and off. And I was just like, oh, what? I mean, I've got a deep dive here.

And I mean, it wasn't an offensive Instagram page. I mean, it was like, I mean, there is some of this stuff like, you know, she's very volumptuous and very attractive. And so she has on very form fitting outfits, which I totally support. She has the body to... You got the body to do it. And, you know, there's a lot of, a lot of that, but I'm just like, you know what, she owns it. Like, she looks great, whatever. But... Yeah. Yeah, she's number one boyfriend, Picker. Yeah. See if we can get a console for me. Yeah, but she'll fit that right in. Maybe you could squeeze that in right after your

asshole bleaching appointment. Like your eye cow will pop up asshole waxing first to remove right here. Maybe you maybe you could bleach it first. Just see how it felt. Then wax it. Then bleach the skin. Bleach the hair. Wax the hair. Bleach the skin. I just don't know if I want somebody in my ass all that long. Well, listener, thank you for joining us. Here's the deal. You've got to go give us five star reviews, although the cat was a great read and warranted. And I support it. Right. I support that one star review, but don't do that. Give us five stars. Pumps did this basically from her deathbed because the show must go on. And if you have any great Amazon reviews that you've seen, please DM those to Kylie at Kylie Josie or at iPad at podcast, she runs both of those accounts and join us on Patreon.

We have bonus content. We have a new person that has joined our team Madison and is going to run the Patreon. She's going to get video of Pumps and I out in the wild. I mean, I would, I would, for one, would like this asshole-beaching thing on Patreon. I don't know if I can convince her to do it, but I'm going to try.

And documentary clip on Patreon. That's right. The documentary clip, the documentary club, hot shit tour is, I could fire hot shit, bleach, dazzle shit. We'll see you next Tuesday or Thursday. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO [♪ [♪ OUTRO [♪ [♪ OUTRO I'm at it with that. This is Blurdex Captain Lee. Listen to my new podcast, Salty, with Captain Lee. Um, don't you mean our podcast? Uh, yeah, I guess I do. Anyhow, listen to Salty with Captain Lee co-hosts and by my assistant Sam. And we will be talking about the latest pop culture news

and all the gossip every week. So does this mean we have to talk by ourselves about ourselves or can at least have some guests on? I don't know if I might sell pretty interesting, but yeah, we can have some guests on some of our reality TV friends and some stars. Works for me. Listen to Salty now on Apple Podcasts,

Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. stars. Works for me. Listen to Salty now on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.