I've Had It - Bad Travelers

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Jennifer, Pumps and guest Becca Tobin take on everything from airport attire, personal pillows on planes and those who clap upon landing. Also, Jennifer dissects why the adults she loves the most all have digestive issues.  Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcastFollow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspump Check out @theladygang

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What? Oh, fix it! our first. What happened to my hair? Well pick it! Be nice! What the fuck? She was contemplating what I was saying. That was so mean. To people who fix it!

Is that better? Welcome to iPad at Podcast starring Mariah Carey. Pumps, what have you had it with this week? What I've had it with is the Christmas lights going on to your house before Thanksgiving. Number one is if you listen to right-wing media, they claim there is a war on Christmas. And that is such bullshit. Christmas won that war. Welcome to our podcast called,

I've had it featuring myself, Jennifer, and Angie Pumps. We have fucking had it with the imaginary war on Christmas. That Christmas clearly won 2000 years ago. Something that goes along with Thanksgiving and Christmas is travel. Jen and Neely, you two mother-fuckers cuddle on a plane, don't you? Yes or no? What if you're sitting on a plane next to each other? It's five hours and you want to like put your head on some of the shoulder and nozzoline.

Let's define this. I don't think a lean-in is a cuddle. No, I don't either. I'm down with a lean-in. Yeah, what's a cuddle to you now? A cuddle would be like you got arms together, legs, pretzeling. Who could pretzel on a plate? I've seen crazy people do it. Let me tell you something that's really got me all worked up, something I've completely had it with. And it is the abuse going on on the escalators. Let me tell you what's going on on the escalators. So I think there is an unspoken rule of common sense that mirrors the way we drive, that you ride on the right and you pass on the left. Every time in the in an airport and I figure I'm on this staircase,

I might as well walk and just burn that many more calories. The person ahead of me has made that decision for me by parking out their fucking suitcase right next to them with their goddamn big cup and straw on top of that. Here's something else that bugs the shit out of me when I travel. So we went to Machu Picchu, right? So there's this one money shot. Here's something else that bugs the shit out of me when I travel. So we went to Machu Picchu, right? So there's this one money shot. Everybody's kind of waiting in line to get to the spot. And then there's the spot abusers, okay, that start to put on a full 15 minute photo shoot. And they lack the self-awareness of the people around them. All we wanted to do, Welch, Family, Party of War, Hop in, Smile, Thumbs Up, were at Machu Picchu and then get the fuck out.

But we have to wait on these grandstanders, influencers that are doing a 20-part photo shoot and it's a huge problem. So on today's episode, we have a guest and her name is Becca. And she is one-third of the podcast, Sensation the Lady Gang. And she obviously travels a lot. And so she has a lot to weigh in on that is the horror that has become travel. She's particularly upset about what people are wearing and all sorts of things. And I mean, there's nothing I love more than airing grievances with somebody who's just right with us. So I think we're going to drag out this horror, some beat it with Becca. Let's get

Becca on. Hi Becca, thank you so much. I am so sorry. Ever since I had a fucking baby, I cannot keep my schedule in line. And I'm so sorry. I have to ask how old is your child? He's nine months old. Oh, Gahli, you're in the weeds, man. Guys, I just spent four days and like during Thanksgiving,

keeping my kid away from an open fireplace. Like shoot me in the face. No, you're in what Thompson I referred to as the kid jail phase. Yes. Where you are in jail with your kid, and there's nothing you can do about it. You're in kid jail, and when your kid gets old enough to go to school, and there's some day

that they don't go to school like there's a day or something something or Martin Luther King day. It is the biggest dickover on the planet because all you want to do is take the child, drop them off, and we used to smoke cigarettes together all the time, both of us have quit, but we used to go drop the kids off. And she would say, I'm coming to your front porch, let's burn. And we would just, I mean, one, turn it after another, after another. You're in the way also with Christmas tree.

Like, do you put up a tree because you know they're gonna be all into it. We're not even doing the Christmas tree for that reason. I was like, I'm not spending my days grabbing his little leg and yanking him from underneath the Christmas tree. It's not happening. I just put a little bit of tiny fake one on the table one year.

So Becca is joining us today because she has had it with something that I think is universal. And it's something that needs to be discussed. We need to drag out this dead horse and beat the ever-living shit out of it. And it is the misery of traveling with all of these fuckers in the airport. So Becca, let us know what is your number one out of all of the pet peeves? What is your number one pet peeve of traveling? Well, it's the attire that people are wearing. And specifically, I don't want to see a man's toes really ever, but certainly not on a airplane. And I don't know. No, and I don't want to see your personal blanket or pillow on that airplane.

I think it's revolting. You've slept, you've put your crusty face on that pillow every night. They're never, they're never clean looking. And that throw pillow has cat hair, dog hair, just grime from your house. And you're gonna bring that onto the plane and make me sit next to you as you rest your little crusty pillow against the window and make me watch you do that. I want to circle back to the attire because this is something that I totally agree with you on. And we go to Europe with our family goes to Europe every summer. In Europe,

the people in airports are dressed really well. They look good, they look sharp, and I'm like, okay, I like this. Everybody looks good. Everybody's traveling. They're dressed for the occasion. You land in the United States of America, and it is a goddamn dump truck. It is just everybody is like in these cutoffs and these just big baggy T-shirts, truckers hats,

dorky socks pulled up. And my son, Roman, he was like, God, mom, I know, dorky socks pulled up and my son, Roman, he was like, God, mom, I mean, Americans just don't dress well. And I'm like, I know, because you can do like, athleticer chic on a plane. You can pull together, you can let comfy and cute.

But it's chaos with the attire at the airport. And again, there's no oversight. There was a man standing in front of me to board. There I say a Southwest flight. I will say that's the worst, the worst, the worst list. And he was in the thinnest, oldest, I don't even sweat pant. I don't even think you, pajama meets sweat pant hybrid.

And I could see a full outline of his cock and balls. That's what I like to call the sport dick. Yeah, the sport package. But just from head to toe, you could tell he rolled out of bed. Listen, I don't think you, I love a regular shower. I just got out of one.

I love a night shower. I love a morning shower. I get it. Sometimes you're busy. You have kids, you, whatever. I want you to at least try to fake it that you took a shower this morning. Try to fake it. Do a hooker bath at the bare minimum. Yeah. Whatever it takes, but it's just so inconsiderate that I'm going to now have to sit next to your your crusty toenail and your greasy hair for three hours on Southwest. So on Southwest, here's one of my biggest pet peeves that I have absolutely fucking had it with.

And it's the comedy routine put on by the flight attendants. And every time they do it, everybody kind of dorky laughs. And I literally want to stand up and scream, put a sock in it and get us from point A to B. I have had it. I am not at a comedy show. Serve the drink, throw the peanuts, sit down and shut the fuck up. I honestly, would there then be mean to me? Didn't put on the comedy routine. The comedy bums me out as well.

It's terribly cheesy jokes, but I will one up you. A friend of mine was just on my other podcast host. Was on a flight, Southwest flight, and they were getting off the plane, and the Southwest flight attendant hugged every single person, goodbye. Hat bit. No.

Yeah, so I can fucking barney the dinosaur. I mean, I have had it with that and that's that is so over the top Especially post-COVID. That's what I was gonna say. I mean, that's ridiculous. Great thing that came out of COVID is we don't have to touch each other as much I appreciate we don't have to hug all the time, you know, what about the applause at landing when a pause at landing. When everybody starts clapping when the plane lands, and here's my problem with that, Becca, why are we rewarding people for doing their job?

Why are we clapping for a pilot for landing the fucking plane? That's their job. Well, because in America, it's hard to get people to just do the bare minimum. Like, I actually do sometimes want a clap. If I call in a takeout order and it's complicated, I do feel an overwhelming like excitement

when they repeat back to me and they're right. So maybe that's what it is is that everybody's so mediocre at their jobs, but I agree with the clapping on a plane. There was once a meme that was like, you've met the man of your dreams, he's rich, he's beautiful, it's got a huge penis, but he claps when they land the plane. Let me ask you this, do you travel with your podcast

co-hosts? All three of you on the same plane at the same time. And would you say that they're good travelers? So it's three girls. Kelty is like, we made fun of her for the first two years of this podcast because anywhere we flew, we would fly American because she was part of the Admiral's Club and they have like one other name for their stupid status. Advantage. Advantage and then some others, again,

like some really crazy thing that you have to be like selected for you You don't even have to like you have to spend the amount of money and get the miles But then you also have to be like selected some stupid thing and so every time we get on a plane she would get upgraded and just Really that really chapped our asses because she was in the front So she was really entitled for a while She's fine the other one is Sometimes I have to give her a talking to because another thing I hate is when girls wear Bike shorts on airplanes. It's a big thing now. It's a big, you know, millennials and

Gen Zers are loving wearing bike shorts. They do wear bike bridges. Bike bridges. It's like bridges. So Jack is the other girl and she is always in a crop top, always in a bike short. And I'm like, okay, I have never once been in an airport and been like, you know what I wish? I wish I was showing more skin. Just there's no environment that I feel like I wanna be looked at less in than an airport.

Completely agree. Well, let me tell you about my traveling companion. Pumps. For some reason, the people in my life that I love a lot and one is my husband Josh, one is her. They have toddler-like impulses and it is a 9-1-1 emergency style situation with both of them and I have fucking had it back at. So we just get back from Mexico. And everywhere she goes, she has to take all of these beverages and there she's spilling them on people.

She's slinging bras off. And then as soon as we get on the plane, she's got to pee again. It's not. Stop. My husband's the same way. With pumps and Josh, it's like, you know what? I'm at a hearty today.

I don't think I've ever taken a shit in a hearty. So this is gonna be an opportunity. And it's like you know what I'm at a hearty today I don't think I've ever taken a shit in a hearty so this is going to be an opportunity and it's unbelievable it's just it's I don't do it on planes you would I mean if I had to I would in a heartbeat you okay shit in a cup on the side of the road you did I know she did do we have to talk about it? I was just saying show. No, it happened. I think after that. Okay, because I feel like I've seen an episode of something. Was it me? Yeah, it was her. Oh, it was me. She doesn't want to talk about it. We toured on a tour bus for our most recent book tour for the podcast. And you can't take a poop on a bus. You have to ask the bus driver to pull over. So we'll drive all night long.

You can pee, you can brush your teeth. You can even shower, but you cannot take a shit in that toilet. So I thought for sure I was the one with digestive issues that I would be needing a toilet. So it happens that Kelsey, my partner, did end up shitting herself on the bus. And I think it's, I mean, in the moment, it's awful, it's terrible, but I think

that it's like a war story. It's humbling, but it's a badge of honor, in my opinion. Thank you, Becca. Here's a war story. So Josh and I were at every year we go to the Rosewood Mya Cobra for Thanksgiving. And this is probably 10 years ago. And the first time everybody started talking about the super moon, it's like it's a super moon. Yeah.

So we take the kids outside. We see the super moon, spoiler alert. It looks like the normal moon. And you go, we go to Superman spoiler alert, it looks like the normal moon. And we go to bed and about three hours into sleeping, I hear this, Jennifer. And I'm like, why can't I be like, yeah, there's been an explosion. I am immediately abort out of the bed. And he goes, will you help me clean it up?

And I'm like, you're on your own. I go and crawl in bed with my sons. Josh proceeds to take all the sheets off, give them to house came week, keeping emblaimson on Roman, who at the time is five years old. And I'm like, I cannot believe that you shit the bed and blame it on somebody in fucking kindergarten.

That is a new love, even for you. I mean, if you're gonna shit the bed, own it. I keep it, I've just shit the bed. That's it. Becca, we were talking before you got here. We're so impressed that you have more than one friend. We're the only friends in the lineup. Well, okay, two.

Yeah, I have a lot of friends. I'm really particular with my friends and I have friends with annoying habits as well. So my tolerance is low. You can't come to my house and stay more than two nights. I think that house guests are like leftovers after two days, they start to stink. I think people in my life are slightly scared of me too, so that helps with my friendships.

It's a power dynamic that works. Yes. Yes. But, yeah, I mean, you guys have a friendship that I'm very envious of. That's the only type of female friendship that I want and that I want to see. We have obviously been friends for 20 years raised our kids together and I mean

her kids are like my kids and vice versa and so this is just super natural for us and I mean even I think the first time I met her and we talked about this in the past. She had to fall over at a fucking firestone and take a shit and I was nine months pregnant. I had to fall over at a fucking firestone, I'd take a shit. And I was nine months pregnant. She was, can you imagine anything worse? Slide to the worker at the tire shop, lied to him, and said, oh, I'm looking for my mom in here.

And he has to like worker stand, and then there's the back. Right, it was in sugar texture. And she got the texture. Stage five, below, horrible. Pardon the pun, at the tire store. I did. Okay, I wanna ask a few more questions about traveling.

And let's let's survey the room here. When the plane lands, are you a standard or a sitter? I'm scared first. I think you wait until your row and then you stand up in order of row. So if you're in row Z, you're gonna wait, you're gonna go through every letter. Because God damn alphabet before you stand up. Even if you're on the aisle. Okay, I have courtesy. Okay, Becca. To go out into the aisle, I do follow the rules and I let every row go.

Are you saying that you get out into the aisle and you exit like before? Yes. I do. It's so obnoxious. I'm like, where's the fuck are you going? Listen, I wait at the minute that plane lands. I take my seat belt off against FAA guidelines immediately. The tires touch, I take the seat belt off.

The minute they hit the brakes and you're waiting on the jet bridge, I stand up. If the person next to me doesn't stand up either, I immediately start judging them and I think this lazy motherfucker is just gonna sit there. She bounces out into the middle of the hall and acts like she's going to unlock the jet way herself. I'm just like, I'm sitting there going, where the fuck are you going? Where are you going? She's getting her bag out over people like little old people. I mean, it's

ridiculous. What about chit chat? Oh, go, that's what I was saying. What about chit chat? We have to have your input. This is one of my least favorite. We hate yak mouse. I hate yak mouse. Hate that yak mouse. So you're flying by yourself, you sit down

and some guy or girl sit down and immediately starts chit chatting. How do you fill on the inside and how do you act outwardly towards the person? How I feel on the inside and how do you act outwardly towards the person how I feel on the inside is rage Please let this be the last word that you speak to me until or forever till the end of time But usually it isn't so on the outside I'm very pleasant. I have a really hard time showing people when I'm annoyed with them strangers.

So, um, and sometimes I'm going to admit this. Sometimes I give them too much. I will, I don't, I'm not good with like the short, hurt answers, you know, I don't like hurting people's feelings. So I will sometimes talk to a 76-year-old woman who's telling me that her kids also live in LA and what they do for a living And I ask her about her grandchildren and I I get in I get in and it doesn't feel good. So all the way in an abler I'm an an abler you're an an abler with the Yak mouse When I'm traveling for work and I'm traveling so low the ear pods have been the biggest gift Okay, that's what I was going to say though. There should be like fastened your seatbelt sign

if your neighbor is wearing ear pods, they don't want to chit-chat. People talk to me over my ear pods. Let me ask you guys a question. This guy I saw on YouTube, or I'm sorry, not YouTube, Instagram. Some guys sit next to Ted, fuck face crews on an airplane.

Okay, first of all, could you imagine that you sit down and Ted, fuck face crews comes and sits down next to you? What would you do Becca? I mean, it's so nice commercial all the time. When they come by to take our drink order, I'm gonna ask if they have any margaritas because we're landing in Texas,

but there's a winter storm, so I know he's gonna wanna head back to Mexico down the plane and head back to Mexico. That is fantastic. And it's the problem. Or I might be like, hi, nice to meet you. My name is Becca Tobin. I'm actually giving you a business card

for my abortion speak easy that I'm opening in the basement of my house. If any of your girlfriends get knocked up with your disgusting spawn, here you go. They can come to me. Okay Becca, I have one for you on the bad traveler. How about the person that you're behind in the security line that you've been in a long security line with that person and they get up to the security officer. They don't have their passport or driver's license out. They can't find their boarding pass.

They still have their shoes on, have a holding water in their hand. I think you should have to go back, get out of line, and go to the back. Every time you're not prepared in security. I 100% agree. The reason, I mean, if at this point, if you're not doing clear and TSA pre-check, I don't have time for you. I don't care if you fly once every five years.

When the TSA person is screaming because they're all screaming at JFK, they're like, take the water out of your bag, take your idea out, be ready, be ready, they're screaming orders. And no one is listening. This is humanity. If she can do it, anybody can do it.

Let me tell you one final thing about Pops that I think I'm scared. It's pretty good. So you know, she quits smoking, she vapes, she vapes non-stop. I mean, it's just constant. So we're flying. And you know, again, the flight attendant say you can't vape on an airplane. Well, it keeps her vaping or cleavage, which there's a lot of storage space in there.

It's definitely she can store a lot of stuff in her cleave extra purse. So I look over and she has her boobs kind of hiked up, you know, with her arms and she's vaping through her cleave. And then she kind of sprinkler shoots the vape out like a sprinkler like no, I take issue with the fact I'm such a good vapor on a plane. When you were a mask, like I was kind of sad the mask requirement left because it was just primo vaping. But I don't spit it out. I mean, I hold it all the way in.

I can see it. I can smell it. I can smell it. I can smell it. Maybe. I can see the vape. I can see the vape. What is the flavor of the vape. I can see the vape.

I don't know. What is the flavor of the vape? Strawberry kiwi. You want to know something infuriating is that my husband in his office has a bathroom. And that's where he does, you know, number one and number two. And occasionally, I will go in there. If he'll, he's just come out of there and leaving our nine month old baby with me in the kitchen

because he's gotta go to the bathroom. And I go in there. I don't smell number two. I smell vape. I smell strawberry shortcake, kiwi surprise, pastel cartel, whatever the fuck it is. And I'm like, either you're running away to the bathroom to vape or you're taking a shit

and you're vaping at the same time. I'm not sure which one I hate more. You know what's interesting about the transition from cigarettes to vaping is cigarettes with these manly things. You had the marble and of course I was basically riding at bear back and he had a hat and a lice out and there's this bad ass motherfucker that smokes cigarettes and now we've got the vapors and he went from like this total manly man thing to do to now your husband is hiding in the bathroom vaping strawberry shortcake.

It's amazing. It's amazing how society has just transitioned, you know, from being such hardcore, the fall of the marble man, the fall of the marble man. Oh wow. You're right. It's like Kevin Costner. I don't want to see him vaping

on that horse. I want to see him with a dirty ass cigarette. Rebecca, what is your stance on emotional sport animals in an airport and on the plane? I have to be honest. I have treated my dogs like children my whole life. So my ass is chapped. Now that airlines don't accept emotional support animals. I am devastated and my eight year old dog who has traveled her whole life on my lap now is relegated to a bag and a seat in front of me. And it is, it's abuse. I hear your pain back at an eye. I am ridiculed and berated and brow beat by my alleged best friend all the time because of the way that I treat what I perceive as my biological children, tepping and chalk-chaw.

I treat my dogs better than I treat fucking people. I mean, I treat them better than I treat my children, my husband, and most of all you. Do you now, I don't know if you're allowed to say this on your podcast, but did you do the service animal thing? The racket of getting a service animal, she was the first one in line on the racket service thing. Yeah, they're registered. They're registered in the National Service Dog Registry.

I was like, I'm embarrassed. It is, I'm gonna tell people you have diabetes. I'm too embarrassed to say she just can't go anywhere without her fucking dog. And I think that the person that you've had it with is the asshole that brought a peacock on the plane Like people took it too far. It's pretty far. Yeah Everybody's got their little dog and it been fine. Yeah, I can't we just ask the airlines to just make it specifically dogs

Our emotional support and every other animal can fuck right off because right. Dogs are like humans. I don't care what anybody says. They feel deeper than any other animal, maybe not, but in my mind, even when I see cats, cat people are going to be very upset with me, but your cat does not want to go on your fucking vacation with you. Answer for my pastles. Answer for my pastles. Answer for my pastles. That's so many on the plane.

Dogs bring complete joy to the majority of civilized people, Angie. But you know what else to, her dog farts on the plane the entire time. It is a problem. I get to gasp while I have had people text me that she didn't know that we're sitting behind she and plebe and they have texted me from the plane and said oh my gosh we think Jennifer Welch's dog is farting on the plane. It's all so bad and I have to text back oh yeah that's his specialty. Like get ready buckle in. It's the whole flight. This is this is Jennifer's blind spot. It's mine too. It's truly, my husband is horrified so many times. And it's just, it's something, it's a blind spot,

but it's going nowhere. You are so fun, Becca. It's so much fun. Everybody, Becca has a great podcast, super popular, that I'm sure all of you listen to, called The Lady Gang. I love your show so much. I think it's so funny. I just listen to the sex sex uh... male orter bride.

I loved your burning man because honestly burning man it was something that I've been almost talked into so many times. But after your episode, I was like, fuck no. See, I am so, I have so much this we are doing. The Lord's work. Well, society totally we prevented you from going on the worst vacation of your fucking like our producers, you know, they're so sad. They went and their big proponents of burning man. So thank you for that because I could have been a burning man next year and it would have been a real disaster. You had hated it. Hated. What about the, I mean, the seven hour exit. That was the thing that was the nail and the coffin for me. I was like, absolutely not.

I agree. So thank you for your work. Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. We intend to flip a lot of people. Maybe we can get to like a thousand. Yeah, yeah. But I hope after this podcast comes out,

I want people to let you know how they've gone to get dressed to get on a plane and they elevated it slightly just because they heard this podcast. They put on a song with a shoe that covers their toes. I just, that's all I ask. Stop wearing bike bridges. Thank you guys so much for having me. I love the pod. Thank you Becca. Bye. She is a ball. Yeah, she's precious. Can I go the bathroom real quick before we? the ball. Yes, she's precious. And I go the bathroom real quick before we. You just said the word precious. So I was at in London at the Roger Federer labor cap when he retired. And there were these cute little British people and they had like

un-British flags and they were all dolled up. And I was like, oh my gosh, you guys look precious. And the guy I liked to meet with is, you know, almost condescending British accent. And he was like, oh my gosh, you guys look precious. And the guy I liked to meet with is, you know, almost condescending British accent. And he's like, I haven't been called precious since I was three years old. I was like, well, Americans can use that word as meaning cute. Like, he was like cute. I haven't been, so I totally like complimented him. And it turns out I completely offended him. On the same trip in London, we were in London.

We are walking through Hyde Park, Josh stepped out in the bicycle path, and this guy said, watch where you're going, you fucking cunt. To Josh. And I immediately thought, I didn't think, hey, don't call my man that. I looked at Josh and God, I love that guy.

You don't have a problem using cunt. I've reserved that for special people. special people. There's only three people that I can get on board that are 100% Kant's yeah Yes winner speaking of what does that remind you of? Look at that. Look at the growth. Pops, I'm so proud of you.

And I didn't take my ears off until after I said how do you know we're finished? Because I'm tired. Okay, I love you. I love you. Cut. you Okay, here's how Miro works. See, it's amazing. What's everyone doing at David's desk?

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