I've Had It - Blasphemous Naughty Nuns

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Happy Halloween Titty Babies! The two naughtiest nuns in the podcasting business are back with a very blasphemous halloween episode. Jennifer (who is not a centrist) and Pumps (also not a centrist) listen to some hilarious voice memos hand-picked by Kiley (a faith and flag conservative). The girls also recap their trip to the halloween costume shop that ended in an attempt at forced philanthropy and baby talking. Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast and subscribe to I've Had It wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you to our sponsors: I've Had It is brought to you by Cologuard®. Are you 45 or older? Start screening for colon cancer with Cologuard, an effective and noninvasive screening option for adults 45 and older at average risk for colon cancer. Rx only. Learn more at Cologuard.com/hadit Wild Grain: For a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/HADIT to start your subscription. Nutrafol: Take the first step to visibly thicker, healthier hair. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code HADIT. Warby Parker: Try 5 pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com/hadit Happy Mammoth: Listener, you can get your first bottle of Hormone Harmony for 15% OFF if you use the code HADIT on the checkout page. Go to HappyMammoth.com and enter the promo code HADIT on the checkout page. Valid till November 30th. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

So we're supposed to start the podcast. Okay, ready? One, two, three. Happy Halloween. Blessed be the fruit. May the Lord open. We are coming to you in full costume today. Those of you on YouTube get to see our ensembles.

Those of you that are listeners, let me describe what's going on here in the podcast studio. We are both naughty nuns. Very blasphemous. Yes. We have on naughty nun outfits that we went shopping for yesterday. Yes. And we could not be happier with our costume selection. Could not be happier except I'm about to flash everyone and you look like Wonder Woman in a

NN costume. You think you're going to do a crotch shot? No, I mean I have to be careful because you know I fidget a lot. Yeah, mine is it's pretty, it's kind of the cut of my NN habit is a micromini but it kind of has a flinstown style cut to the bottom of it with these angled hem lines. I see a little ash shake from the back. Yeah, may the Lord open. And also with you, what do they say on the handmade stale? Blessed be the fruit. Blessed be the fruit. Under his eye. Under his eye. Yes, under his eye. Under his eye. Yes, under his eye under his eye. So listener, when we went Costume shopping we were reminded of something that we have absolutely had it with

At the checkout counter. Yes So we go to the checkout counter to buy our blasphemous naughty nun Costumes because it just seemed only appropriate that that's what we would be. And the gal pumps is their first. I'm going back to find my flask that I want to purchase that says holy water on it with a crucifix because of course we had to have a holy flask. No one needs holy water more than us. Oh, we totally need holy water. Okay, so tell the listener, you're at the checkout counter first while I'm getting the flask.

Okay, so I set my costume down on the counter. And the girl says, do you want to donate to the babies? We have a, we have babies you can donate to. And I kind of looked at her and I was like, huh? She was like, yeah, the little babies on the wall, it goes to the babies at Children's Hospital. And I was getting ready to say no, but you saved me because you came up right behind me. I come up, I put the flash down, pumps totally aborts.

Like I can't find her anywhere near the register. So she leaves me. I was returning the knife. Oh yeah, I was gonna buy a bleeding knife. So she leaves me with the enthusiastic cash here, who then she brings everything up. She tells me the total. And she said, how much of this total would you like to donate to the baby? And I look over at the wall and there is a photograph of a couple of babies. And what's so interesting about this is just about four minutes earlier, we had found like a creepy baby doll.

Yes. And we were simulating that the baby was breastfeeding from the Sagan dragons and the Halloween costume shop because we're incredibly mature. Right. Because we are the biggest dicks on the planet. So we did like a little acting out role play

of pumps being the demon babies mom and breastfeeding the baby. We didn't end up buying the baby. So then we're at the cashier and she's wanting us to donate to the babies. And I said, no, thank you. And then she didn't miss a beat. She goes, would you like to round up to the nearest dollar for the babies? At this point, it's about 49 cents. And I'm wanting it to end. So I said, sure. Then pumps and I get in the car. And if there are two people that can wind each other up, like cheap clocks, it is pumps in me. Yep. And I go, I have fucking had it with the forced philanthropy at the Halloween costume shop. And pumps it had it as well.

So we just start fucking going at it. We get each other so worked up, I contemplate turning the car around going back and getting my 49 cents back. I really wanted you to, I mean, I was ready for it. If you would have done it, I mean, I was trying to push you to do it, but I mean, it's kind of embarrassing ever 49 cents,

but we don't know where that money's going. Who the fuck are the babies? How much are they getting? There's a million questions we need answered. So let's go through the questions. Echo the listener. So we've, we, the whole drive home from the costume shop, drive back to the studio. We talked about what we can do to help society in instances like this. Are we anti philanthropy? No. Are we anti-baby only on a case-to-case basis? Right. Okay. So certain babies are okay. Certain babies are not on the approved list. It's a case-by-case situation, but that's neither here nor there. What we want to do is help the listener when you find yourself at a cash register being manipulated?

Absolutely. Grifted. Yeah. And what you can do to fight back. And so the first question that we came up with is I'm going to say, can you give me the information about said hospital? And every name on the board of directors of said hospital, I need their voting history, their income tax returns, their STD results, their blood type, their Google search history. So what you do is you flip the script. Yeah. You flip it.

You say, okay, I'll consider donating to the hospital, but I need for you to give me information about the hospital. Right. And then Pumps had some more questions you thought would be good. I thought, how much of this goes to the hospital? Who gets it first? Does the company match the donation that I give? Yeah, that's boring.

Tell them about your really good question. And my really good question was, have you had an abortion lately? Right after the STD question, we're willing to give this 49 cents, but we just have questions in return. So basically you flip the script and just start interrogating them. Right. And I feel like you're very interested in the cause. But she has to give you information,

because all this girl's been told is, hey, tell the people to donate to the babies. Well, that sounds really benign. We don't know, do these babies have an agenda? Do the babies exist? Are the babies, are the babies trumpers? Are the babies anti-gay? Who are the parents of these babies?

There's so many things where we could have flipped the script. And you don't even know if the whole thing's a racket. I kind of was wondering if it was a racket. She was dead set on it. And also, I just have to point out for the permanent record, she was baby talking the manipulation. I'm so glad you brought that detail back up, because not only was it forced philanthropy,

the use and abuse of baby talk from one adult to two other adults. Yes, it was bad. Do you wanna give to the babies? Yeah, it was awful. I mean, you know, we don't, it's like we got ourselves so worked up on a 15 minute drive back to the studio.

Had we had the time, we literally would have turned the car around because I felt so manipulated and rushed because I already said no once and then she didn't respect my boundary. Well, and she did the number one rule of grifting or hustling or whatever she didn't say, do you want to? It was like, so I can put the net, the remaining 49 cents to the babies. Like, it wasn't a question. It was, the statement was a leading statement that you would agree with because you're kind of a

dick if you don't. Well, let's talk about just being a dick. Right. Let's just talk about that. So I think it's kind of a dick move to manipulate us like that on the spot. I agree. When we're trying to buy blasphemous Halloween costumes to tongue and cheek, poke fun of religion on our Halloween episode, blessed be the fruit. May the Lord open under his eye, under his eye. Um, so I think that we could flip the script with the cashier and immediately say, we don't like babies. Right. I hate babies.

Why would I want to give to a babies? And then what does she say? So here's the deal. We're so wound up about this. We're contemplating going back. And asking for a 40. No, no, contemplating going back and maybe buying that bloody knife or maybe the baby that we had pumps, the demon baby that we roleplayed pumps breastfeeding, maybe going back

and buying that. And now this time at the register, we'll be ready. Right, now we're ready. That's the thing. We're ready. So let's roleplay. Okay. Okay, you're coming to check out. Okay.

So how much of your total here would you like to donate for the babies? None, thank you. Well, why do you not like babies? Hey, babies. Really? Have you had multiple abortions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Have you? Just waiting on my plane

be to kick in. What's your STD status? None right now. Just got over chlamydia. Right. Do you have a tetracycline on hand for all your chlamydia? Yes. We do. We distribute or any of the gay, because if any of the babies are gay, we may consider making the donation. It'd be more of a powerful pitch, right? If they're all white heterosexual babies, we might think they already have a jump start. Right, I mean, we might be less interested.

Right. That's something she didn't give us the demographic breakdown of the babies. No, and we don't even know what constitutes a baby in her mind. Is it a 65 year old man, or is it an infant, or a four year old, or 15 year old? The way she said babies just went all through me.

Yeah. So listen, her here's a little something about pumps in me. We could literally talk about this for about four hours. Kylie's over there shaking her head, yes, but we will spare you. The details. Welcome to I've had it. This very special blessed be the fruit under his eye. May the Lord open spooky Halloween episode. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the noughtiest none in podcasting. It's hard to look over and see you in that and not best out laughing. She is the

naughtiest nun in podcasting. You notice I have on my Apple Watch under my crucifix gloves. You would hate to miss a calorie burn. Are you sitting? Yes, exactly. Pops, I always feel like I'm losing my glasses and I feel like you can never find your glasses. I can never find my glasses and they're so expensive. They're so pricey and then sometimes it's like maybe you want to jazz it up and try a different look but you don't want to have to go prude the glasses with everybody and be around a bunch of people. If you want to you can because I've discovered Warby Parker they have a major online shop and then they have 190 retail stores. They have high quality glasses, anti-fatigue lenses,

blue light filtering lenses, everything you can imagine. Warby Parker offers everything you need for happier eyes. Eye glasses, sun glasses, contact lenses, and eye exams. You can shop with them online or in stores. The glasses start at $95, including the prescription lenses. Try Warby Parker's Free Home Try-On Program. You can order five pairs of glasses to try at home for free. There's no obligation to buy.

Ships free and includes a prepaid return shipping label. Try five pair of glasses at home for free at WarbyParker.com slash had it. Pumps, there are just so many things that I've had it with that we have been unable to fix. Number one, how crazy we are. Number two, all of these drivers getting in our way when we're trying to go from point A to point B. Lately, I have had restless nights, brain fog, bloating, and I've just had it with that. But thankfully, my best friend here, you, has turned me on to happy mammoths hormone harmony. I love hormone harmony. I have slept better. My mood swings are better. I don't have night sweats, and most importantly, it has helped with my hot flashes. It's a game-changer

of a product. Did you know that it's so effective and popular that they sell a bottle every 24 seconds? Wow, I know. There are over 13,000 hormone harmony reviews on the Happy Mammoth website alone. Listener, you can get your first bottle of hormone harmony for 15% off if you use the code had it on the checkout page. Go to happy mammoth.com and enter the promo code had it on the checkout page This offer is valid until November 30th. So I Think you'll may remember a few episodes back. You know, we read hate comments often None of the hate comments ever bother us all the mean things they say about us couldn't give two shits about. But there was one particular comment that really, really set in my crawl. Still not over it. Still rassling with it. And basically, they called us centrist.

Okay. That hurt. I mean, you have been wound up about that for like three weeks. So I went online and I took a quiz from the Pew Research Center and it's called the political typology quiz. I took it four times in a row for accuracy. You are in net. All four times, I got the exact same result, which is far left as you can go, which is progressive left. Right, not centrist, not even we're close. No, this chart, the centrist are called stressed sideliners.

That's the center. And then one notch to the left is an outsider left. One notch over is a democratic mainstay. One notch over from that is establishment liberal. And then as far left you as you can go, which I took four times and confirmed that I am this each and every time is progressive left. Right. I sent the quiz to pumps. And pumps is were you an establishment liberal? No, I was a Democratic Mainstay. Yes, Democratic Mainstay. So pumps is two notches over from center.

Right. I was for the permanent record four times over to the left. And then when you go to the right, you have ambivalent right, and then one step further, populist right, and then one step further from that committed conservatives, and the freakyest freaks of them all, the faith and flag conservatives. Which I'm certain as what those fucking babies

were at that costume shop, I bet those fuckers were faith and flag conservatives. I really want my 49 cents back. I know. Kylie, I sent Kylie the quiz. Kylie, what were you? I was a faith and flag conservator. You're fired.

A lesbian, faith and flag conservative. I got establishment liberal. Okay, establishment liberal. So this is interesting. This is interesting, because you know what? Nobody got stress sideliners. Nope, not us. Nobody got stress sideliners. No, it's interesting in the studio. So I just wanted to address that and

kudos to the person that left that comment because you've you have lived rent-free in my brain. Yeah, for quite some time. Yeah, you didn't not like that at all. I have our talent booker who's reached out to Bernie Sanders. Much to my surprise, he has not responded yet. Shocked. I've had her try to reach out to AOC, much to my surprise, crickets. Yeah. Crickets. We've tried to have a son-piker on this podcast,

ghost city. Results in a band. Bernie's next on Bing Ghost City, results in a ban. Bernie's next on Bing-Band so was AOC. Because everybody is just knocking on the studio door, right, dying to be on this podcast. I thought I was about Bernie Sanders in the parking lot. He's just dying, dying to be on this podcast. Absolutely. With all the other A-lister stars of the Democratic Party,

to which we have booked zero.ister stars of the Democratic Party. Yeah. To which we have booked zero. We're for the permanent record. Zero for 20. Yeah. Yeah, it's not going well for us. I'm not going well. No wonder they think we're a centrist.

We've got to keep trying. I saw him when he even come on this show. Well, he's banned, remember? Yeah, he's banned. I wouldn't be. We broke up with him first. Yeah, exactly. For the permanent record, he's banned, remember? Yeah, he's banned. I would. We broke up with him first. Yeah, we exactly for the permanent record, he's ghosting us initially, and it was for a brief period of time, but now we're doing the reversed ghost.

Right. And the reverse ghost has been much longer that we are ignoring him. We're calling that the white girl break up. That's right. It is the middle aged white girl break up. He didn't break up with me. I broke up with him. That's right. That's right. But it's not a centrist break up. That's right. It is the middle aged white girl break up. He didn't break up with me. I broke up with him. That's right. That's right. But it's not a centrist break up. No. It is a progressive left break up. And I want the commoner that left the centrist comment. I'm aware that

pumps is only two over from center. Despite spending all of her spare time with Ben, my sailor's of the Midas touch, I'm going to DM Ben who will talk to us. He will. He's been on the pod and let him know about your results and see what we can do about getting you all the way over to the progressive left. I've got two more to go. We'll work on the karenism and then we'll work on that. Okay.

Sounds good. All right. Next up, somebody tweeted me some rather alarming news. Okay. So we've done a couple of episodes about the person that took a shit down the aisle on the Delta airplane. Yes, discussed.

We've discussed it with a few people. Oh yeah. Well, apparently same thing, similar kind of happened on EasyJet. What? Okay, so it was a flight from the Canary Islands Apparently, same thing similar kind of happened on EasyJet. What? Okay, so it was a flight from the Canary Islands to London. Okay.

They had to cancel the flight. Everybody got on the plane. And then I guess the flight attendant or somebody went back to the bathroom. And there was so much shit on the bathroom floor. They didn't make it to the toilet. That it was uncleanable. and they had to evacuate the plane. On easy jet, kick everybody off,

promise to refund their hotel costs. The passenger responsible for the mess has not been publicly identified, but it is believed to have been ill. The passenger. So many questions. Either mentally or physically. It's gotta be both, but why, if he's in the bathroom, he or she, if they're in the bathroom,

why can't they just sit on the pot? Why does it have to be on the floor? It was on the floor? On the floor. And it was so much they couldn't even scoop it up. No. What is wrong in all my life? I have never heard of this.

And now I've heard of it twice. It's just amazing coming from the woman that took a shoot and started from cup on the side of the road. I know. And every time we get into playing, I think my car was coming back because I've just been so outspoken about the Delta flight. But you know what now you know

that you have such great ass aim. I could make it in the toilet. You can, you could know what if you can't get up. So let's say that we have such great ass aim. I could make it in the toilet. You could, no, what if you can't get up? So let's say that we're on a plane together. And we do know based on the highway incident that you have incredible ass aim. And you have your stainless cup that you've gotten through security, empty with water. And then you get on the plane, it's empty. You could take a shit in the Stanley Cup in the seat.

I would not ruin my Stanley Cup. I would do it in the barf bag. You'd shit in the barf bag in the seat. Yeah. I mean, if I was that desperate, if it was that or shit my pants or down the aisle of a plane, the barf bag. Yeah, I just, I mean, the people are shitting on planes left and right. Have you ever heard of that before now? People shitting on planes? No, I just had the friend that had the lady who did the shit and run at the restaurant. But you know what's interesting after Kylie posted the shit and run, so many people commented in the comment section,

I work in retail, this happens more than you think. We go into fitting rooms and people have left a shit in the fitting room. What? I'm telling you, the shitting thing is happening all the time, people that work in restaurants, in retail, are reporting very alarming things. The same thing that's being reported on airlines right now.

People are shitting in the wrong places all the time, and you are a member of that group. No, because I didn't do it in the wrong place. I did it in the toilet. I started trying to come up on the side of the highway. But why whole thing is, is that it kink? Because if you've made it all the way to the bathroom, why can't you sit on the toilet?

It's a very confined space. I just think maybe it's kink. I don't know, but I just think a lot of people are shitting in a lot of places they're not supposed to be shitting out. Like on the side of highways in a styrofoam cup with traffic passing by, you can get defensive. All you want to, I'm not defensive.

I'm just saying I got it in the cap and I threw it away. Nope. No animals or trash people. A victimless crime. It was a victimless crime set for your son, except for your son, your teenage son that was in the back seat, right, except for him. So when he goes to family wing, right?

So the therapist is gonna really get on me about that. Right, so we might go ahead and start working on, you know, an apology for that. Oh, quite, I apologize a thousand times, but I probably need to work one out better. I'm talking about, of course you apologize to him. I'm talking about the performative apology due in front of a therapist.

Well, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yes, we should start role-playing that immediately. Not the quibbing and a piss they get over it. My stomach was out of control. I'm talking about the one that you go in front of the therapist. Right, I have to be in front of the therapist. The performative apology. Right. The one where you put your best foot forward

where you pumps as representative apologizes on her behalf, that apology. Yeah, I think I probably have to work up some tears for that one. Yeah. Yeah, Kylie, have you ever shit in a... I have never shit in public in a precarious situation. I'm pretty under control.

You've never shit in public ever. You've never... Like, besides a public restroom, no. Oh, okay, I thought you meant you've never used a public restroom. I was like, how. I thought you never used a public restroom. I was like, how's that possible? For sure. Yeah.

I always make it to where I'm supposed to do it that. Same. Well, okay. I obviously don't, because I did it in a cap. But I just, I don't think I would do it on an airplane. I think I would rather run off the airplane. Because they're still at the gate. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. You can run off the airplane. Just run off the airplane,

just open the door and just run off the fucking airplane. But you said they had to, they were on the ground. I believe so. Let me take them off. Let me pull off the other. It sounds to me like this person got away with it. They went back to their seat and they didn't get caught. Right. Right. Okay, here it is. Previously, the flight delay had already caused inconvenience, but the situation worsened when a passenger soiled the bathroom in such an extreme way that there was not enough time for adequate cleaning. As a result, the passenger required blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so it was a real shit show. It was a shit show. Pen intended. Yes. Yeah, it was a total fucking shit show. Oh, I had a listener text me a really funny tweet or DM me a funny tweet. And so Sarah B. At yoga mom 1823, she tweets,

at yoga mom 1823 she tweets. My aunt my thul just said her first word, namaste. Hosh tag proud yoga mom, hashtag purposeful parenting. And then Kenny at K channel three response. My main issue with this tweet Sarah is that this did not happen. That's fantastic. So, you know, all of the, uh, performative parenting, right?

Online. Call it out. It's just, I think we should start coming. My main issue with this post is is we didn't see you yelling at your kids before and after the video. That's my main issue. My main issue is that you're full of horse shit. My main issue is that I think you're the person who took a shit on the easy jet tarmac bathroom. That's what I think. How about the easy jet airplane bathroom? You could put it like after they posted something stupid.

I hate to call you out, but I know you're the person that had diarrhea on Delta. I know you're the Delta shitter. Listener, this is what we need to do. This is a great troll. This is great. This is what we need to do. Just start identifying offenders on the internet.

Just I don't know who needs to know this, but this is the Delta Shutter. So, as you can see, we're rock solid mature today. Right. Well, it's Halloween. You get to, it's Halloween. It pulses, it gets Halloween. And you know what, we celebrate holidays.

We do. Early even. Blessed be the fruit made the Lord open under his eye. Under his eye. I just have one comment to make about the habit. Okay, let's hear it. I'm like sweating like a horned church. It's, I mean, are you hotter with this on? You know, never has the horned church been as appropriate as it is here today because if you are a whore and church, you are here today. I am. The only thing about the whore thing for you is you're just not getting enough ass to be a whore.

I know, I would love to be a whore. Yeah. I mean, absolutely what? Hey, it's Halloween. I think this outfit can help. I do too. I could just do the leg flare. Yeah, like the basic instinct.

You can just, yeah, you could just lift the back of your skirt up and just take it from behind because we don't know how much you like it for the Is your head sweating are you hotter than normal? No Because I'm younger than you and I don't have all these off you are not that much younger than me Well permanent record reflects otherwise Kylie Yes, how much do you hate us so far? I love you guys.

The listener needs to know that this is 24, seven. A car ride, a plane ride, lunch, a meeting. You're getting a really good look. This is you guys, when we go on the hot shit tour. That's what I said, role play. For an hour, two hours about imaginary questions. If we want to have with certain people in the world and we die laughing and we just like, ever at Kylie

and she just has this like dead pan face, like a mother with just like shaking her head left and right. Not even a smile crack. This is a typical conversation between pumps and me. This is so happy Halloween. Welcome to the inner working of mine. How deep, mature and intelligent we are.

Right, this is not a great look. Okay, since we were talking about airplane bathrooms, Kylie. Yes. Listener needs an update on our status after London. Listener, you know, we went to London and Kylie took her first flight across the pond. She'd never been to Europe. So so many listeners were like, because Kylie intentionally dehydrates so that she walked to piano and airplanes.

So so many listeners had been messaging her, asking her, are you planning to pee on the plane and did you pee on the plane? So Kylie, give us an update. Well, on the way there, I nailed it. Did not pee. Did not pee, did not shit in the aisle. I was a really good passenger. Right.

On the way home, I met like our nine. I mean, we're almost there. Yeah. And I had to go to the bathroom. And so I have stepped foot in an airplane bathroom. Yeah. You popped your airplane bathroom cherry. I did.

Did you bear back or have her? I bear back. I bear back. No issue with that at all. Way to go Kylie. How was your first airplane piss? I bear back. I bear back. No issue with that at all. Why do you go Kylie? How was your first airplane piss? Honestly, it was pretty good.

I really needed to do it. I was like, I held it for hours. I was like, it's UTI or it's bathroom right now. Right. I had to make a decision. Everything came out okay. Everything came out great. Good.

Good stream. Good. Excellent. No turbulence while you're on the pot. No turbulence. Got a good wipe in. Good. Good stream. Good. Excellent. No turbulence while you're around the pot. No turbulence. Good. Good. Wipe in. Yeah. Did you close the lid of the toilet before you flushed or did you leave it open to flush? I left it open to flush. Is that something? I always do a close so you don't get some splash. Yeah. Yeah. In the bathroom. I was very scared when I pressed the... Yeah, it's really good. It's like a bidet. Yeah. I pressed the... Yeah, it was bitch.

Because it really goes. Like a bidet. Yeah, it goes to her phone. Yeah. Also, I had my first experience with a bidet. Right. The hotel in London had one. Yes.

And I sat there and I really thought about trying it and I was too scared. Oh, you didn't? I hear pumps had a great time. I loved the bidet. Pumps was cleaning her vagina. I was. Right.

And London, you had the cleanest vagina in the UK. And back door too. Clean her with a whole. And her twat was so clean in the UK too bad you didn't get laid. Too bad. Too bad. One thing, just a minor I've had it with the listener, Kylie's name is not spelled KYLE.

It's K-I-L-E-Y. I've given up at this point. It's really I-L-E-Y, Josie. The other day I spelled it wrong. Yeah, every day it's spelled wrong. Yeah. And I started to write out KY. I was like, oh my fucking God. Pumps, you know I have a huge aversion to cooking. I know. Basically, I have now discovered wild grain. I absolutely love this product. It's the first ever bake from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries. The bread is so good.

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had it. That's neutrophil.com promo code had it. I think K-I-L-E-Y, I think that we should do some voice memos and celebrate this joyous holiday season of Halloween being blasphemous naughty nuns on I've had it with our listener and let's play some voice memos. It's a great idea. J-E-S-S-I-C-A. This one's very on theme. Okay.

We're getting some good insight from a pilot. Oh! Okay, and this is Andrea. Hello, Jen and Pumps. I am reaching out because I don't have a very specific I've had it, but I have a little insight. I am a captain for a major airline in the United States. So I spend my life absolutely had it with airports

and the fuckery that goes on in them. I just listen to your podcast about passengers who need wheelchairs to board and no longer need them to deplane. And in the industry, we call that Jetbridge Jesus. This is really bodies changing lives while I propel us to the sky. Just a fun fact today, leaving the hub, I had seven passengers who needed wheelchairs.

And when we got to the destination, we needed zero wheelchairs for our passengers. So another day, another life or seven changed with Jetbridge Jesus. I knew you would love Jeb Bridge Jesus. That's fantastic. Jeb Bridge Jesus, I knew it. I fucking knew it. Bunch of fakers. Yes.

You know what, they're doing it to pre-board. Right, they're skirters. They're skirting the system. And then Jesus has healed them on the Jeb Bridge. It's a miracle. May the Lord open. That's right under his eye, under the jet bridge, on the jet bridge. And then they walk out, which reminds me, a listener, we went to when we were in London, we spent one free day there after our fantastic live show, the hot shit tour. It was so fun. And we went

running around London and we went to see Abba Voyage, which is this Abba show. It's incredible. Yes, it was a group activity. Yes, it was a concert. It was only an hour and a half long. It met a lot of requirements that we like. Anyway, as we're sitting there, there was kind of a row of people with wheelchairs. Right. And they were so sweet. Like there was a woman, she's in the wheelchair and her husband was not in the wheelchair. And they're like dancing the whole time. It was cute.

Last song, Dancing Queen. The woman in the wheelchair stands up and starts dancing. Right. And Kylie and I thought, wow, man, Dancing Queen. It's a miracle. Yeah, we're really teetering here, aren't we? We're bad people. Yeah. Alright up next we've got Matthew. I have fucking had it with older white women.

Pumps and Jennifer, you guys are excluded. I love you hugs and kisses. But the moral of the story is that older white women, even above 50, are the worst offenders of being fucking looky lose and stairs 24-7. As a gay man, I get this constantly. Just the other day, getting out of my car, walking, okay, maybe strutting some might say strutting into Starbucks to pick up my order. And there is this white mom, maybe 50, 55, 55 tops. And her leggings with her little Birken bag, staring me the fuck down, like she's never seen a gay person in her life before. After about two minutes of this going on, I simply turn around, get off my phone,

stare right back at her. As she gives me dirty looks, I say, the fuck are you looking at me, lemon? Keep it pushin' bitch, I have had it with white women. That's amazing. I agree with him. I agree with him, but I have to tell him. I'm gonna break his heart right now.

There is no one worse on the stare down than Jennifer Welch. You are the worst stare down. You get caught all the time. Not what he's talking about. You're talking about separate things here. You're talking about when you... You're awfully defensive. No, you're talking because he's talking about somebody being homophobic. So I'm going, I am going to be defensive about that. See, I thought she was admiring how well groomed he was. No, she's given, he said, she's giving me dirty looks, acting like you haven't seen a gay man before. What Pumps is talking about is when she struts

into the office with a camel toe from here to fucking China. And I'm staring at her toilet because I can't imagine that she doesn't feel it. And she's much to my surprise. She has no idea. No clue. That there is a seam right up her fucking toy. And that is fascinating to me.

So yes, I look elu, I look longer than I should. I'm completely shocked by it. But I think what he's talking about is white women being Uber judgmental. Right, which I think they are. And I totally agree with what he's saying. Right. Which I think they are. And I totally agree with what he's saying. Right. I totally agree. And I think that groups of white women are really tricky to hang out in. I have a really hard time hanging out in them. And then when I have with a bunch of heterosexual

white women, somebody always says something or does something. I'm just like, you know, this is just not my quote unquote hashtag tribe. It's just like my pickleball group that I love so much, half of them are lesbians. So it's this great mix of women that are all open-minded and progressive, but when you get to just straight white women, at Starbucks, yeah, it's a problem, they're a problem. All right, next we've got Caroline.

I don't even know where to get started on this, but okay, Jen pumps what I have, their problem. Alright up next we've got Caroline. I don't even know where to get started on this, but Jen pumps what I have fucking had it with. Are these fucking suburban truck drivers? One, why the fuck do you have a truck when we're in the suburbs? You live in a condo Kyle. Why do you have F250 that can't even fit into our goddamn parking spaces like come on. You don't you don't have a contracting job. You don't have a farm. You work in a office that has a fucking parking garage and you have F250 for what? For what? Just be a normal person, get a normal car that takes normal gas. So you can just not be so irritating all the people. You don't know how to park your car,

you don't know how to fucking drive. And then if you do drive decently, you're still going 30 miles over the fucking speed limit. Damn, you're killing everyone on the road and you don't give a fuck. Like is your dick that small? You need a car that big like people already know when you're driving around that you have a small penis. You don't have to advertise it.

We don't care that much about your little penis. Just get a normal car. That's all I care about. I'm sorry about actually, I don't apologize. Fucking get a normal car and be a normal human being. Thank you. I love her. I love the piling on. I love the piling on. And she cracked the case on why they have those big trucks. And it's Ford truck abuse. F-250 abuse. And it is where we live. It is ubiquitous. Yes. I mean, it's alpha male want to be show out little penises. Like I have no tolerance

at all for the whole thing. Yeah. And you know what? Often times the majority of these cars are parked. Asin knows out not to revisit something that we've, you know, definitely gone over multiple times. But I have noticed since we've been keeping our eye on the ass in, nose out, the trucks are the biggest offenders. Yes, that's true.

And they're also offenders on getting right over the line. They can't park in the spot. So these huge trucks, they try to get in the compact car parking places, and then they take up to, it just goes all through me. Yeah, I do think that it is kind of abuse, but I have to concede. I drive a Land Rover Defender,

and I never go off-road. Yeah, but a lot of people drive SUVs. I'm never trekking. You know, it's a normal size SUV. It's not a size at all. Right. But I mean, I do. It is kind of fraudulent.

You know what, we had an ice storm, and Jennifer showed up right to my door and picked me up and drove me in that car. Came in handy. I did. I called Kylie and I said, I don't want you driving in the ice. I would feel horrible if you got in a wreck. I will drive to your house and pick you up because I have a vehicle that is equipped to drive on ice. An off-roader. Thank you. And thank God because a snow day, that would have been awful. You've been terrible if you didn't have it. I if work just got canceled. You had the four wheel drive. Yeah, God, I could pick up. You know why, Titty babies, you listeners,

she hadn't come and worked that day, the podcast would have completely fallen apart, and we wouldn't be doing this blasphemous episode. That's true, that is true. All right, next we've got Heidi. Hey, ladies, I have had it with Karanik Sayers. So like, the person that is sitting in a room with you and just like every two seconds, they're like,

ah! Just hoping that you ask them, oh no, what's wrong? Why do you sound upset? No, I'm not going to do that. I will let you sigh until you run out of air and pass out. You want to complain then just be an adult and complain to me. I will listen.

I love listening to complaining. That's fine, but I will not ask you to do it. Love that. The attention seeking sigh. It's the worst. And there's everywhere. Yeah. Dying for someone to ask what's wrong.

Listen, Applistener. Do not under any circumstances, take the bait, rather than attention seeking psi. This is attention seeking behavior. Do not enable it. If the person is too big of a pussy to say this irritates me or I'm irritated about that,

then let them sit there and fucking sigh. Do not enable the attention seeking sires. I could not agree more. I love it that she was just gonna let them pass out. Okay, the last one is from Olivia, who you a remember. Raw dog and raw dog and okay, she's back Jennifer Pumps. This is Olivia again with yet another grievance. I've had it with these women who go to their friends' bachelor at parties and then post the Brides Venmo code on Instagram saying, buy the bride a drink. Are you all there or have some wires gone fucking loose in your head? There's at least two reasons why I may not be there.

A, I'm not the bride's friend. In which case, this makes you know better than a crackhead asking me for a quarter to spare at a gas station. Or B, I am the bride's friend, but not close of a friend to be there. So this makes it just plain rude of you to ask me for money.

All the people who should be getting you drinks are already there. So stop doing that. It's stupid and respectfully go shit in a hat because I'm not giving you anything. Start your marriage with dignity woman and not as an Instagram fool. She's from Poland, right? Yeah. Poor thing.

It's just in here on all this fuckery of American Instagram culture. Yeah, I mean, it's tough. Yeah. It is tough out there on the gram. You know, it must just be running rampant all this Vinmo abuse. Everybody asking for money for stuff.

It's on cars. People are asking on bachelor at party for stuff, it's on cars. People are asking on bachelor at party. I'm talking about it being on cars, I saw that the other day. What the fuck? I mean, I don't get it. I don't get it. I saw the cute, the cute R-code on somebody's fucking car.

It's ridiculous. For Vinmo. It's crazy. I mean, but do we kind of admire that the person just puts it on their car? Things help. Maybe I'll get a hundred bucks by the end of the week. Who knows. You missed 100% of the shots you don't take.

That's possible. Have you seen this Kylie, the Venmo on a car? Oh, yeah. It's all over. They think you're going to, like, what? Speed up and try to get it on your camera. See, a Michael thing is obviously as much as it keeps ramping up and you keep hearing about it more and more, second stupid people are then mowing these people. Exactly. But I want to I want to circle back to a little bit about Olivia's point and we every time we get to weddings

Olivia's point and we every time we get to weddings, right, bachelor at parties, showers, sprinkles, sprinkles, all of this shit, you know, there's a lot of fucking grifting going on. It's a total puzzle. And people that are getting married act like they're like graduating from like, you know, with their PhD in neuroscience. Right. You know, like it was a major, major accomplishment. It's really not that difficult to hook up with somebody

and potentially get married. Now, there's gonna be single listeners out there that are like, oh, you have no idea, but generally our species likes to get together, fuck, and procreate. That's kind of what we do. And then considering, Judge Judy, you can weigh in on this with your, to get together, fuck, and procreate. That's kind of what we do. And then considering Judge Judy, you can weigh in on this with your great legal mind,

considering so many of these marriages and divorce. And a lot of people I know, like, in the last five years, I've been to three weddings, two out of the three people are divorced. Yeah, already within five years, right? And we had to roll out all the shit, all the stuff, both were destination weddings, lots of showers, lots of engagement parties,

lots of posts, lots of fuckery, lots of gift registries. And within five fucking years, they haven't made it. So here's my proposal. Nobody gets jack shit for their wedding. Agree. No party, go to Vegas or do it in your fucking living room or if your Bible, Thumper, go do it at your church. Go get married. Nobody can be there. If you make it to 20 years, that's when you start getting shit. Right. See, I like that, but I think I would just say within, if you get divorced within five years, you just have to refund the guest stuff. You have to return everything that you received as a gift.

Any Vinmo many, you have to return. That won't do it. That'll keep a lot of people together, I bet. Yeah, there's a lot of grifting. I think Vinmo just made it easier to graft. Yeah, yeah, it's a, I just can't believe it. When I saw it on the car, it was like, is that a QR code for like, for somebody just randomly to send them money that's driving down the road next to them? Much to my surprise, it was. I do have a good instance of seeing this. We did a live show and the drag queen

that we had open for us ripped off her robe while she was performing. And she had made an outfit that had her Venmo handle on it. So the whole crowd could Venmo her during the show. I thought that was great. I think that's smart. Yeah, she's a performer. And she earned it.

She earned it. She earned it. She's earned it. Yeah. Driving your car from point A to point B is not that special. Well, also like putting on your insta story, Venn Moes and by the, the bride drink, this goes back to the force philanthropy at the Halloween store.

How do we know that many's going to the bride? Right. How do we know it's not going to the bride's mates that's just going to pocket the many and buy a shop for herself? How do we know the many's going to the bride? Right, how do we know it's not going to the bride's maid's that's just gonna pocket the many and buy a shot for herself? How do we know the bride's not a crack or? How do we know this isn't going to hire a male prostitute that the bride's gonna raw dog later? That they're gonna gang bang as a bachelor at party. How do we know?

How do we vet these funds? How do we know that the bride? Is she fucking around on her bachelor at party or she being faithful? If she's fucking around, we might support it depending on how the, you know, right, is it a lesbian fuck around? Is it a straight fuck around? We just need more disclosure. We need a lot more disclosure before we agree to donate to charities, before we agree to give brides money. Right. I nominate flipping the script on everything. So when you see that on your Instagram story, respond, has she been faithful throughout this entire engagement? Is she a virgin on her wedding day?

We are nuns. We are nuns. So we need to make sure that she is part, her purity ring is valid. We are women of the Lord. Aren't you technically married to God if you're a nun? Yes. I am married to God. Yes, that's true. You know how religious I am. Yes, yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. BFFs, but yeah, I just need more details. I might support, right? Depending on who the players are, right? You know, considering how tight God and I are,

I might be able to say, I think they're both pretty hot. I think we can excuse this one. Or are they hot when they have sex? And if so, can we watch for the Venn moment for the drink? We are truly terrible. 24, seven. I think what's so annoying about it is we think we're funny. Like we're the only ones that think we're funny. If we're around our kids, they're not laughing. Kylie's not laughing. Kylie's not laughing.

It's bad. Well, I think listeners, you know, we start calling you guys the titty babies and also the forced listeners. So I know that this has been a forced listen. Right. And the Lord and pumps and I would like to thank you. You want to lead us in prayer to close out the episode. Enter his eye, amen. So, I'm gonna start boss. And her has eye, amen. So, I'm gonna start boss.

And her has eye, amen. And her has eye, amen. Kylie, would you like to lead us in a little prayer before we leave? Yes. Okay. Because I know one. Okay, let's hear it. John 316.

Okay. Said that God's all over the world. It's the only verse I know. John 316. Okay said that God's all of the world Actually note in song that's how I know it okay Spear us the song I think you know, I think there's some parts of the Bible I like like Leviticus. That's pretty GC What happens in Leviticus? Yeah, I don't know. I think there's a lot of feckery going on like Roman and I the other About a year ago, we Googled, we were bored.

So we Googled like, fucked up Bible verses, which is a really fun read on the internet. And it's like, the woman, it's like, she felt like the stallions were taking her from behind. I mean, it's very, yeah, it's very erotic. There's a lot of fucked up shit going on, like genocide and sexual assault. And yeah.

Anyway, it's really good. Is that banned from schools, the Bible? I don't think so. I think it's highly encouraged trading in Oklahoma. You know how to do it, Tori? You know there's like sex crimes, engaged shit and genocide and stuff going on in there. Just saying, okay. Listen, Eric, thank you for joining us today.

We so appreciate you joining us for this Halloween special with our holy water and our holiness, holiness. We're friends. We are nuns. Please go give us five stars. Please send us a voice, Melvia, Instagram. Please join us on Patreon. Kylie is putting together some behind the scenes footage of this Halloween costume party shopping, Halloween costume shopping, and on Patreon, we have a documentary club where we analyze fucked up documentaries. You want to miss that. The hot shit tour is always fun. Everybody in California, cool your fucking

tits were coming early this year. They're going crazy on Instagram, aren't they Kylie? They are. They're really good, yeah. I like what's wrong with California? Well, maybe we're coming to California or it's cold everywhere else. I thought you guys were smart. I thought they knew we were smart because looking at us, you can tell that immediately. Rock solid. that they knew we were smart because looking at us, you can tell that immediately. Wrong solid. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, Pumps, tell them. Happy Halloween, and we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

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