I've Had It - Dark Side of the Spoon with Jackie Schimmel

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined by self-proclaimed professional asshole and host of The Bitch Bible, Jackie Schimmel. The girls swap pregnancy horror stories and DIY self-grooming mishaps. Schimmel gets the inside *scoop* on how to handle a very *shitty* post-pregnancy problem and Jennifer gets called out for her accessory of choice - the Apple Watch.  Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Jackie Schimmel: @jackieschimmel   Check Out: The Bitch Bible

So we're supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. Good, okay. Way to go. So you don't feel well today, huh? No, I cannot kick this. I've had it with this sickness. So listener, if you notice that pumps is hacking,

and sounds a little ill, she's under the weather. But we are going to push through's under the weather, but we are gonna push through because that's how dedicated we are on this podcast journey and manifesting this podcast. You do kind of have a little bit of a smoker's laugh. All the time we're just today. Pretty much all the time. I do.

Yeah. I mean, I earned that. So, how much would have you had it with this week? I've had it with sports parents. Let me give you an example. Okay. So, my youngest Luke is at high school and it's the state basketball tournament. And his school has a really, really, really good team. Right. So, I'm not even kidding you with the, you know, we want to take snacks every day, we want to take food every day. Parents are acting like this is the NBA finals.

Oh yeah. They are going, we're going to the NBA finals. Right. And that like maybe the parents are as intricate to the playoff wins as the students. I've seen, because I'm friends with a couple of your parent friends and I follow one dad in particular on Instagram, and he posts a picture of the bracket, and he puts the date and then like a dramatic space in between it, and the time, and then another dramatic space and he puts the big house. And we're talking listener about for a high school basketball team in which the man that posted this is not a player. Correct. Because it's a high school basketball team. Right. Right. But he is by no means alone. Oh, the fervor that is around this, it truly,

it's comparable to the Olympics. And I did have a big, Hissie Fit because everybody was like, we're gonna sign up to take snacks, we're gonna sign up to do this, we're gonna sign up to do that. And I was like, I'm out, I'm not doing that. If these kids can go by their own snacks,

like this is ridiculous. But I have to say, the moms made each kid a poster, like a playing card poster, and it's really cool, and Luke super duper loves it. So I have had to eat a little crow on that. Where did the posters go? When they decorate the locker rooms, Jennifer. And the moms are making these?

Yes. I'm sorry. And they're decorating the locker room. See, when we were in high school, I was a cheerleader, as you were as well. We did this. Right? We made, and the moms are up at the school, making posters and decorating the locker room, and have been for three weeks.

They, no, they've already gone to school. They need to get the fuck out of the locker room. Agreed. It's too much. These moms that are up there at the school, Tomahawk choppers. I mean, fucking black hawk needs to go down. These women have got to pump the brakes

and let the kids go to school and let the kids do all of this. It's too much. These are the same people that are probably bitch about, well, you know, that Gen Z, they're so lazy, you know. Well, I wonder the fuck why? Because mom's up making posters via glamour shots and trotting it all out over the locker room.

It's too much. It's enough. It's too much. It's rampant. What have you had it with by darling? Okay, so, you know, Kylie has blown us up on TikTok, right? So TikTok is this whole new, you know, like, something I would compare to probably crack cocaine.

You know, you get on there and it's just like, you know, you're just getting flooded with all this shit. So I get on there, of course, to go to our page. I've had it to see how that's doing. And I notice that there's like post after post on TikTok. And it's called the moon phases in soulmate trend. What is that? I've seen that. I'll tell you what it is. Okay. TikTok users believe that moon phases trend reveals your soulmate. So what you do is you take, you figure out like you were born in what? February 18th, 17th, 70. 70. Okay, not 60. Fuck off. So then you figure out what the moon was.

The day you were born, would figure out what the moon was. The day that some love interest of yours was born. And if like yours is a half moon, and theirs is a half moon, and it fits together, then that's your soulmate. Oh, for fuck's sake, that is ridiculous. It is a jet stream of bullshit. Yeah. It is right up there with the astrological signs, probably even worse.

That's because they probably even worse because you have to do so much research. So anyway, you compare your date with your partners, and a lot of people are now comparing them to their pets, which I can kind of get a little bit more on board with that. That's right up your alley. Although I do think all of that stuff is total bullshit, but it's unbelievable.

You've seen it on TikTok, right? I've just seen like the moon things. I didn't, that's what they're doing. So it's like Haley Bieber and Justin Bieber and their moons fit perfectly together. Okay. Well they're already married so it's a little late. They're soulmates. So I asked Kylie to do some matching of moons.

So Kylie matched our moons. But wait, listener, I want you to hear something. Pumps, remember when you called me like a year ago and you said that Emily asked who your soulmate was? Yes. Tell the listener how you answered that. I said, Jennifer, immediately. Never skipped a beat. That is so sweet. She called me and she said, Emily, just to ask me who my soulmate was. And I said, Jennifer, right. Immediately. Immediately. So let's see what the moon says. That that's false. What's false that we're...

You two are not soulmates. Oh my gosh, we're not? No. I did. Jennifer's, pumps, Josh's, and Tubbies. Okay. And here's who was soulmates in that group.

Okay. Jennifer, you had one soulmate. Tubby. Josh. Oh my gosh, so fun. But don't get too excited. Josh had three soulmates. Hey, were they?

Josh and pumps. Josh and Jennifer and Josh and Tubby. Oh my God. The fact that he would have three soulmates tells me that whole thing is fucked up. I mean, here's the deal. Like, so Josh and I were moon soulmates? Yeah.

You know what, we better fucking should be moon cellmates. I mean, that guy has been to rehab. We've been together 22 years, listener. And not all day and day. No, it has not been a cakewalk. And he has been to rehab five times. And you've got to really love somebody to go to family week. Not once. Five, two Not once, but multiple times.

Because you sit in a circle, you get in touch with your inner child, you write letters to yourself and you're non-dominant hand. I mean, there's just a lot of shit that goes down when you're kind of looking around the circle going, okay, this is, I'm over this. Like, when can I go home? I'm not the one with the drug problem.

So, I'm kind of somewhat thrilled to know that the moon aligns, but even if it didn't, I still think it's bullshit. I agree. His tabby soul mate, Josh. Josh. Is that it? Not Jennifer at all?

Not at all. It's a heartbreak. But it's because you guys pretty much share the same birthday. We do. And I just want to let the listener know, fun fact, Tubby and Barack Obama have the same birthday. So that means you and Barack are also not soulmates. Oh, that's a heartbreak.

Pumps, how do you feel about Josh being your soulmate? I think that's right. I think that's right. We're pretty close friends. Yeah. I think they're... We're close. Yeah, you're all close. She used to have to drive him to court and you'd pump his gas He is such a fucking diva. I know that I would have to pump the gas and drive because they didn't want to mess a suit up Correct not to mention I was wearing a suit too, but he's just a titty baby

bougie P.o.s Sometimes so listen our back in the day, Josh and Pumps practice law together. And they would go have to drive to these small towns and rural Oklahoma together. Josh would make Pumps drive. Yeah. And she did it willingly. She's like, okay, whatever, you primadonna, and then she would pump the gas. Yeah, I always pump the gas. And you know, the only thing I was fine with all that, just because I like to browbeat him about him making me do it. But the biggest problem Josh and I had during that period of time was the kep holders. We were all had so many during, I mean, the kep holder situation was always an issue of

contention between the two of us. I just crammed right now thinking about getting into a vehicle with you. If I just have one little normal sized portable water, because I know that you are going to come in with a stainless cap, the backup cap, and then a bottle of water. It's just, it's awful. Flying in an airport with you is awful with all the beverages. And then people drink all these beverages all the time. I have to go pee all the time.

And it's just this vicious cycle where you're not taking into account the people around you with your slurping concert, the bathroom breaks. I've had it. Yeah. Josh is everybody's bad as me about all the caps too. So in conclusion before I welcome you to our podcast, we've had it with sports parents,

grown women that are hanging out at their children's high school, because you've already been to school. So get the fuck out of there. The whole moon soulmate thing is bullshit with the exception of Josh Welch and me. And I will forever not be able to handle all these goddamn And I will forever not be able to handle all these goddamn beverages that you drink. I know.

It's just unbelievable. I'll never get over it. I mean, I can, this is, this is a, you know, we could drag out this dead horse and beat it. And I have just as much resentment talking about it now as I did 10 years ago. I still, it still feels fresh and unresolved. I just have to say I enjoy it so much. I know you do. That's why we're such good friends. Okay, welcome to I've had a podcast, a place where you can come every Tuesday and Thursday and get everything off your chest

so that you can go back out into the world, a kinder and gentler soul to find your moon soulmate. Yes. Maybe you should be a sister wife. Maybe you could talk to him about his hair products and stuff at times. We already kind of do. I was going to say, he called me this weekend about a very personal medical issue that I kept thinking, is he really calling to tell me

that, that's always calling about? But yeah, so I mean, they're kind of our sister-wise. Yeah, it's probably too late for that. We're already there. So, today we're going to have a fantastic guest listener. Her name is Jackie Shemmel. She is the producer, writer, and podcast host of the Bitch Bible.

Fantastic name. Fantastic name. She is a self-proclaimed good time gal and professional asshole. Oh my gosh, I love her already. Let's get Jackie on here. Hi Jackie, how are you? Good, how are you?

Great, welcome to I've had it podcast. This is a safe place for you to air petty, immature, just juicy little grievances that you have with anybody in your life or any situation in your life. I love that so much. You're speaking my language. Can you tell us what you've had it with just right off the cuff? I mean, I could name 700 things for the number 14 hours. Like, I just woke up and I barely had a sip of water and I am ready to fully launch in.

Things I've had it with floating shelves, fiddle leaf, uh, figs, apple watches, pregnant people, international women's day, um, men who drive, uh, Hyundai's and then they take the emblem off their car and put spoilers on it and brings and pretend they're driving a Maserati. Glasses, Lake Havasu. I mean, I could go on and on and on. Well, let's circle back to one in particular, which is the pregnant people, which I believe you are now an offender.

Is that correct? I am, and it's such a buzzkill. It's such a lettuce. Yeah. I mean, I can't even believe it, to be honest. I, yes, I'm almost six months pregnant, which is just weird to even say out loud. And it's been, it's been difficult to rain for me because I am so consistently irritated with pregnant women, the mom of air tribe.

It's not every pregnant woman. It's just a subgroup of pregnant women who act like they are, I'm Jewish, so forgive me if I'm messing up this reference. But like Mary Magdalene or the first person carrying the Messiah or something, it is so overwhelming and overbearing and annoying and counterproductive to feminism because women walk around like they're the first and only person to ever do it and they're so foaming at the mouth to give you both tips and tricks to tell you that your life hasn't started until you had a child, which is wildly offensive to women who choose not to have children, which by the way, is days go on sounding more and more fucking appealing to me.

No, shit. You're exactly right on that. I mean, come on. Like, you'll never know love until you, and I'm like, shut the fuck up. Am I allowed to cuss, by the way, it love until you and I'm like shut the fuck up. Am I allowed to cuss by the way? It's been two and a half minutes. I'm sorry. It's mandatory.

It's absolutely fucking mandatory, Jackie. But let me just tell you about this universal uniqueness that pregnant women fill that that sub-sector that you're talking about. Wait until the baby comes out and then you have the labor and delivery warriors that tell you from start to finish their labor and delivery story as though they're the only people that have ever squeezed a child out of their vagina and or had a C-section because you will hear

a lot of details about it. And then there's the breastfeeding posse. Oh, that's the worst one. The act like that's the worst one. The aclecates. That's what I worried about. No, it's going to get a million times worse for you. This is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. Fasten your seatbelt because it's all of it

is about to march out and it is going to completely haunt your life. And these women are like heat seeking missiles. They sense it. They will sense that you're not one of them. Try to convert. And they're going to try to convert you. They're going to be marching outside my fucking house. Yeah. Shit. But let me ask you this. Have you become like I am not a cryer. I cried once annually at a very big deal. But when I was pregnant, I cried all the time. commercials. Really? Yes, it was pathetic. Oh, it was awful. I hated feeling so

much. I mean, it was just I have you know, I'll just I will tell you I've been waiting for that. I will tell you I've been waiting for that, and I too am someone who is a bit of a nice queen. I never cry. I cry from laughter, enjoy, often, and Nancy Myers movies, but I never find myself moved enough emotional in the other direction to really cry. And I try sometimes. I'm really like, I like, first of all, I'm a gorgeous cryer.

Second, thank you. I have a lot of sodium retention. I find that after I cry, I look spelt, I look chiseled, and I look glowing. So I push it sometimes, right? Right, right. I'm not feeling any of those feels. I feel like I know

Not a so you really are a sociopath 1,000 percent I will say that I've gotten nicer, which is scary Okay, and I don't know why or when or how or maybe I'm just too tired to really like launch into my usual sport of verbal assault. Right. But I've gotten a little bit nicer, which is disgusting, frankly. So towards the last, so my second child, his due date, was end of July. And we live in Oklahoma City.

And he was born in 2006. And so from like July 1st, and he was finally born on July 25th, it was record heat over 100 degrees, all 25 days in a row, right? Nope. I'm nine months pregnant. Okay, and at this point, like I do not like being pregnant,

I did not like having my belly out to here, I didn't feel cute, I hated everything about it. So at this point, I hate all my maternity clothes, I hate everything I own, I hate everybody. And so I go to old Navy, and this is the mid 2000s. And so those Galcio pants were kind of in. I buy five pair of black Galcio pants and I am on a maternity strike. I'm not buying maternity clothes.

I'm like, and I'm not even pregnant. But I mean, just share principles. So I buy five pair of these black Galcio pants and five black wife-beater tank tops, and I wear them every day. So about a week before the baby's born, I have a three-year-old at the time. We go to Target, I buy all this shit and I'm nesting at the house.

Well, my husband, he was a total premedana. I mean, like product junky asshole out the wazoo, right? He comes pulling up in his rain drover, unloading the groceries and the toddler and the black galshoes and the black wife beat her tank top. He pulls up and he goes, oh, I see you got your uniform on today. And he is in an Armani suit. Right. His hair looks great. He smells great. And I reach into the back of my car, and I grab a carton of horizon milk, and I take it and I scream,

fuck you! And I throw it at it, man, it hits the concrete, and this milk just goes everywhere. My toddler's like, mommy! And Josh was like, oh wow, and I'm like, you can fuck right on off. I'm criticizing my little outfit

that I got it old Navy. I feel that like deep in my ovaries. Yes. For sure. I almost murdered my husband when I was like seven, eight weeks pregnant and all I wanted was French toast. It was like all I could think about for hours.

I dreamt of it. We had one little piece of bread left and like one sprinkle of cinnamon. I gave him really specific instructions. And that fucker decided to hit it with a little molding salt on top and serve it to me. So I take a bite and there's like a flaky, flaky sea salt right on the top. And I looked at him and I was like, did you put salt on the French toast? And he's like, well, you know sometimes

you have like chocolate chip cookies with a little salt and I said, this is not the time to get fucking creative Thomas Keller. I will rip your dick off and I took the plate and I threw it and this thing I started. I actually did cry. It was the only time I've cried like tears of agonies over that French toast. And I was like, we're not going to make it. It's not happening. You'll never know your son. That is that is an authorized use of salt.

I mean, that was completely unauthorized. And you don't fuck with pregnant women like this. You don't comment on their appearance. You don't fuck up their French toast. You don't show up looking great when your wife's nine minutes pregnant, comment on her outfit, Josh Welch, fucker. I mean, the milk just went straight out. Let me tell you something that nobody's going to tell you, but we're going to tell you. Okay. Get ready for this. So you're going to go in to deliver this baby and you're going to get an epidural. Okay. Yes. 100%. And then you're going to go to deliver this baby and you're gonna get an epidural, okay? Yes. 100% and then you're gonna go home and they're gonna give you some painkillers, which you're gonna take as prescribed, okay? Okay.

You're gonna be more constipated than you have ever been in your entire life and you're talking 9, 10, 11 days, not taking a shit. Nobody fucking talks about this. This is not in the pregnancy advertisement. That first post pregnancy shit for me personally was more difficult than giving birth. I agree. Perhaps tell her what you did with your ass.

Oh God. Tell her, please tell me. Well, I would recommend start taking the stool softer like two weeks before. Tell her, please tell me. Well, I would recommend start taking the stool softer like two weeks before. Tell her, okay, okay, but I was so miserable and I couldn't poop and I thought I was gonna lose my mind and so I got a spoon and was trying to dig out with a spoon. She's not work.

She's taking a spanner for her. I mean, I was like, anyway, like, soft serve, you're trying to like scoop it out. How do you, that's what I was going, I mean, that's just, I was so I write and beside myself that I was like, go get me a spoon. And then of course, I can,

are we talking like a stainless steel, are we talking like a silicone spatula? No, we're talking like a stainless steel teaspoon. So a skinnier teaspoon. A skinnier teaspoon, but did you lube it? Did you lube it? I don't think I lubed it. I was so miserable, but I couldn't get any better.

You bear back that spoon up your ass. You bear back that fucking teaspoon right up your ass. I did, I did. That dirty slut. Oh my God, I love you so much. Thank you for sharing that. If I get to that place, not if I'm gonna shove, there's no if.

It's coming. I promise you, this thing is coming for you. If you epidural, you do those painkillers, you were gonna think of us, you're gonna be on that toilet, you're gonna be straight red. Vains bulging out of your neck, squeezing as hard as you can, you'd be like, I don't think I pushed this hard when I delivered the kid. And then it will start to crown a little bit.

And then you hear the baby cry and you exhale. And then it goes right back up. I'm telling you, this is not talked about. This is not in the advertisements. This is a huge problem that is going widely ignored globally. Oh my God. I'm telling you. We found our philanthropic work for the future. We need to start like a fundraiser, a merch, a donation center.

Totally. Like, well, we could be the faces of post-birth constipation solutions. Yes. We could have maybe a teaspoon condoms that are lubricated for merch. So people like comes, don't have to bear back anymore. We've automatically with the condoms. That's a great idea. Yeah.

That is a great idea. Yeah. I love what we're doing here today. It's really important. It is big to work, but I'm telling you that is coming for you. It's not bad. It cannot weigh it. It's so miserable.

Here's what Mother Nature does to pregnant women, the labor and delivery in the first three months of having a baby. You kind of have amnesia about how miserable all of it is. And I think it's like a you know, like a Darwinian way to make sure we reproduce again. Because when you're taking, when you, when you have a teaspoon crammed up to a last one, no lubricant and no condom trying to dig out a shit,

you go ahead and have another baby. Right. Because you forget that shit. I remember when I was psychotic. It's like, totally. I remember with my first sin when he was born, I remember like the first three to four months thinking, why would anybody ever do this twice? Like I was completely convinced I would never have another baby, ended up having two more.

So I have a little advice for you when you get to the early part of the summer months. If you happen to go to a swimming pool, eight to nine months pregnant. Pumps and I, when she was pregnant with her third, we went to a swimming pool. I had a toddler at the time, did not have my second and we put our kids in the little kitty pool and I'm sitting on the ledge of the kitty pool

with my feet in. And Pumps is wearing eight, she's eight, nine months pregnant, she's wearing a black one-piece swimsuit. And she's standing up next to me. So if I turn my head to the left, I have a direct view of her belly. And then I kind of look down. And the swimsuit is going down. It's supposed to cup over the crotch and the vagina. Sure. Right. Well, my eyes as I turn left, I'm about parallel, you know,

right smack dab on with a profile shot of the vigine. And the belly was so far out, the swimsuit was a couple of inches out. So I could see sunlight from cubic hairs straight across the pool. So like the Grand Canyon, yes. Totally. So just a little tip from I've had it podcast to pregnant women. Don't do what Pumps did. Make sure you have a swimsuit that sucks up to the Vigine so that your friend doesn't see all of that. Let me ask you this. You know, did you do any sort of like vaginal grooming prior to your delivery? Yeah, I think I did.

For the benefit of the doctor. Right. How do you feel about this, Jackie? What are you gonna do with your vision? It's a great question. You know, I had laser hair removal the day before I found out I was pregnant. Okay.

Inpeccable timing. Yes. So maybe we'll probably be bald. And I also had Botox the day before I found out I was pregnant like all from the neck, from the top of the tits to the forehead. So that's got to be great for my fetus. So since I've been pregnant, everything has come back with vengeance. Really?

Yes. Really an Ash-Gunazi vengeance. If you know what I mean, like it is coming back full force. It's like bitch, 18 rounds of laser hair removal hasn't done shit. And it is rupting out of my skin. And dark and it is thick. Yeah. So I, for my own sanity, I'm going to get my first wax next week because I need to, because it's a rough situation. Right.

And because of the laser, it's patchy. So there's no consistency in my foliage, if you know what I'm saying. So it's not like an attractive 1970s porn bush. No, no. It's a bald and aging, like a mangy doll. Mainchy porn bush. Alapesha.

Alapesha. Alapesha. It's like half of it is fine. Right. And then half of it is back with the vengeance. Right. And I can't get a grip on the situation. Right.

So I think I need to kick it back to basics. I can't shave my skin. What can you do to yourself? I don't know if I want to go full Brazilian. Now that I'm going to be a mother, I feel like it might be a portrait. I think I need to keep a little, like the problem is I don't even have enough in that area to have like a nice clean strip.

It's still going to be patchy. You know, I think it's interesting the evolution of pubic hair. Do you remember that July 4th, we were at the club, drank a bunch of club specials. Our friend Sarah was telling us about how she trimmed her vajine with her razor, not scissors. So I go home, too many cocktails.

I get in the shower. And I decide to do that. And I'm like, okay, I decide to do that. And I'm like, okay, I'll just do this. Well, I mean, it was Mangy Dog. I had to take the whole thing off. It was that bad. But I went to bed and I forgot when I woke up that I had done it.

And I sat down on that toilet the next morning and I thought, I was just like, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, what happened? It was so startling. She called me the next morning and she's like, do you remember how drunk we were yesterday and Sarah was telling us how she like, you know, trimmed her vagina.

So I did that to mine and then I fucked it up and so I shaved it all off and then I totally forgot about it this morning. I thought, what happened to my pubic hair? It was bad. During the pandemic, I decided that I was gonna try to give myself an at-home Amazon vagina wax. And that's ambitious.

That is. So ambitious. I mean, this is how you knew, like I was really bored. I was trying to just like DIY all my like, you know, beauty routines. And I, my husband was out of town for a couple days. So I was like, this is the perfect time for me to like, you know, put the mirror down, spread eagle on the floor and like try to figure this out. I got through a couple strips and it was, it was stripless wax.

So it was the wax that wax that dries on your skin. Right. Which is supposed to be less painful because it's not ripping out your skin. It only allegedly adheres to the hair in correct one star with you. Put it all over. I got through one like I'm bleeding. I'm like

barely getting it off. And then I had one real close to the labia. And I just couldn't do it. Like I tried, I tried. And before it was fully dried, I wanted to try to like scrub it off because I just could go through with it. I stood up. I walked to the bathroom and my labia glued shut. No.

Yes, because when I was, you know, I was like, no, demo, but my legs were spread, including the wax on the inside. Right. Then I wanted to abort mission. So I stand up to go to the sink and in the pursuit of standing up to rid myself of this stripless purple wax, my vagina glued shut. Oh my god. I have to ask how do you fix it. I mean how'd you get it not to be glued shut? So I they had some like like an oil solution that was supposed to like get rid of the remnants

of leftover wax. And I was just salathering it all over. And not really work. This is towards, you know, I had a couple more tiniies at the time. And I was like, you know, I'm going to bed. I'll figure it out in the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom like a midnight pee. And when I went to go sit down

to pee, it occurred to me that I was trying to still glue. It started like coming out the back almost. Like it didn't, the pee was not exiting. It wasn't exiting. No, this is, I mean, this is a stage five vaginal meltdown. Oh, this is terrible. It's a cautionary care person. Yeah, I can figure this out. I'm kind of crafty and handy, not for an outcome wax. It was traumatizing. It took days.

This is something that that's 1,000% something that pumps would do. I mean, 100%. 100%. She could fuck up a wet dream. It's unbelievable. Her ability to fuck shit up is unparalleled. I mean, it is, so she's right there with you, you are in good companies.

Let's move on to Apple Watches. I wanna hear, because I'm an Apple Watch wearer and pounders too. So you tell us, I mean, and don't, we have thick skin, so just make your case. I will make my case. I have been under a lot of scrutiny recently because I said in my podcast that I think it is atrocious,

unacceptable, and just blasphemous that people think that it's okay to wear Apple watches to weddings and or various formal events. I think you can take the night off. I've learned a lot about it because I've been verbally assaulted by strangers on the internet talking about their insulin levels

and their rings and their kiddos and their baby sitters and, you know, every their heart monitors and everything under the sun, making me like I'm a terrible person because I don't care about them going to cardiac arrest while they're running your Apple Watch. While I understand all of those things maybe true, I still aesthetically have an issue. You're going to a wedding. Maybe you take the Apple Watch off. I just don't think it's necessary to wear to an event. Call me crazy. I agree with you intellectually and everything that you just said. And I say fuck the,

fuck the opposing view on the internet because like, I mean, there's always some sub cult that, I mean, we're, they're going to come out after this episode, the breastfeeders, right, the pubic cares, the people with main GP, they're coming for us. Okay. They are coming. And we're right. They can fuck right on off. But don't care at all. No, we're in a journal. Exactly. We welcome them because we like to do dramatic readings of them

for comedic relief. But I agree with everything you say intellectually. But I am an offender and let me tell you why it's not for life-saving measures. It's not about my kids. It's not about my pets. It's not about my pets. I don't want to let my watch down. That thing fucking bosses me around all day.

I get these batteries, I get these awards, I have this fucked up, codependent relationship with the watch where it's like you need to stand up. You need to breathe. You need to do this. I'm like, God, this fucking thing is so goddamn bossy, but I've got to close my rings. And I went to an engagement. I don't even know what that means. Exactly. The rings.

Exactly. So I love that I live with the careless abandon, not knowing what it's like to close a fucking ring. That's right. I don't want to know. No, the ignorance is bliss because let me tell you how bad what an offender I am at this. I went to an engagement party the other night. Great dress, I got a great blowout.

Josh looked great per use. We strolled into this event, great shoes, great handbag, Apple watch. And I even looked at it. We just took a big step back. No, it was a big, it was a big L. And I knew it. I looked down, I was looking at you. I just took a big step back. No, it was a big, it was a big L. And I knew it. I looked down, I was looking at,

looking at like ladies bracelets and wedding rings and whatnot. And I was like, I have on my Apple Watch here, and it does not look good. It does not look good with this outfit, but I'm not taking it off because I can't let this watch down. This watch is on me, it is on me like a fucking tick on a dog. I mean, it is like all over me to do the right thing.

And I don't want to let the watch down. Yeah, no, I agree. Intellectual with you, I've had it with me. I've had it with the rings. I've had it with all of it. But some things we have it with, but we are contributors to the problem. Most of the things that we bitch about quite frankly,

we probably do, because it's that whole thing you spot it, you got it. Right, you know. Totally. By the way, I'm like one week away from an Apple Watch. So, this is what you're talking about. Pretend you never saw anything. And the best is when people on the internet,

which I'm sure you guys get a ton of, when you like voice or really passionate opinion and then people like, why do you care? These relax. Somebody needs to get a ton of when you like voice or really passionate opinion and people like, why do you care? Eat, relax, somebody needs to get a leg. Do you understand that it is my livelihood and it is my calling in life to bitch and complain overtly, passionately about things I barely care about. Fine. And I could flip and switch. That's right switch and whip and nae nae and totally change my mind 30 seconds later.

But I have a job to do for the people. Brenda. Yes, I will scream into a microphone and do I actually care that much? Not really, but we got to keep the lights on. I have a child to raise. That's right. That's exactly right. That's right a child to raise. That's right. Speed. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. of energy to comment on two middle aged women's podcasts.

I just don't. I mean, I just don't know who that can have that in me. If it's something I really like, I'd be like, oh my god, this is hilarious. But if I dislike something, I simply just cease watching it, cease listening to it, and that's the end of it. I totally agree.

I'm like, they're obsessed with me. They love me. Oh my god. I'm like, they're obsessed with me. They love me. Oh my God. I've never written a negative comment on a stranger's anything in my whole life. And I got a lot of free time on my hands. So the fact that people have the care and the passion and the investments. And the time. The time. It's a beautiful transaction.

And they don't get it because it's like, this is like a love letter. Like, you're in love. This is Nicholas Sparks' shit. Your Noah, I'm Ali. You're writing me all these letters. I'm not writing you back. You know, like, it's crazy.

We view it through the same way. It's beautiful and we welcome it and it just really brings us so much heartwarming joy. It feels good. It does. It does feel good. Well Jackie, we cannot thank you enough for sharing with us what you've had it with. And I want to circle back with you. And when's your due date? July 15th.

Okay. About 10 days, so July 25th, that will be my son's birthday. Around that time, you should be having your first post-delivery shit. And I want to get knee deep into that shit with you. Unattended. And so we would like into that shit with you, unattended. And so we would like to circle back with you

and have you back on this podcast so that we can shine a light to this very under reported problem that is troubling women all across the globe. And I would be happy to donate my experience to science and humanitarian work for the sake of women everywhere. And we're building this on International Women's Day. So that is my contribution.

That's right. That's awesome. That's perfect. Thank you so much. This was so fun. It was so fun, Jackie. We hope to see you soon. And good luck with the delivery and the breastfeeding nurses. It is a fucking

Mind filled up. Just put a sign out there that says mind your business draw boundaries. Yeah, you've got that's Jackie. I got it. Thank you so much. Bye, Jackie Thank you. Thank you She is the most fun. I mean she is so good. She is the most fun. I mean, she is so good. She is fantastic. I mean, she is like totally on brand with us. She's had it. She's cynical. Sharp is attack that one.

I really feel badly for her about because now we've planted the seed about the constipation, which I think can exacerbate constipation. Well, I hope she just starts taking this stool softeners like two weeks ago. I did with Roman because you advised me to do so. It's just it's like you can't get it out. But just in the same way that you advised me that Roman was going to be a girl,

it was an abject failure. Yeah, it was a total failure beyond measure. You would think if we could put a man on the moon, we should be able to get women that just deliver a baby to have a poop. Yeah, sadly, you know, I think if we could put the science, you know, the science they put into erections is, I mean, it's not standing. We're ridiculous. Four hours, they can make that thing last.

Which is just a nightmare on every level. Women able to take a shit after squeezing a baby out of their vagina seems to have taken the back burner. Of course, that's why I think that this is a huge issue that we need to discuss. And I want listener, listen up. I know a lot of you are ladies, and I know a lot of you have had children,

and you've probably experienced what we're talking about. Please DM us, not gory details. But we want something we want to know. I mean, we're not alone in this. This didn't just happen in a bag came with pumps in me. No, everybody I know. Did anybody else stick? You think anybody else bear back to spoon up their ass? I don't know. I was so desperate. I was so desperate. How far did you stick it up there? Not very far because I couldn't get it in an inch. No, I don't even think I got it really in.

When you say in, you kind of like are circling your hand. Well, I was trying to like screw in it. Yeah, I was trying to get it in there and I couldn't. So the idea was to get it in, break it up. No glory details. We're the worst offenders. Okay, that's awful. Listener.

Sorry about that. Listener. Oh my God, we're going to be canceled. Or people are going to say me too. So, listener, we want to thank you for joining us. Please follow us on all the social medias. Give us all the stars, write all the reviews, just do all of those things. All of those things.

And then we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday. Spells can't either way. It sure does. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win.