I've Had It - Hog Heaven, MAGA Hell

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

Pumps' love life take a wild turn... Hell's Angels beware. Pre-order Jennifer’s new book Not Today, Fascists, join our Substack, shop our merch, and more by clicking here: https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth: Head to https://cozyearth.com and use my code HADIT for an exclusive 20% off home and sleepwear! Nutrafol: Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at https://nutrafol.com with promo code HADIT. Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @MizzWelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready, one, two, three. Patriots, gay triots, they triots, black triots, brown triots, fighters of fascism, lovers of humanity, the cool kids, we love you. And triple trumpers, for sure, double trumpers. We're even starting to dab our, dab our toes into the single trumpers. They can do what, huh? I like that around the world. Yeah, I'm just trying to, you know. It's kind of stupid, but I'm trying to make it cool.

Variety is the spice of life. Yes, absolutely. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with. I've never seen anything like it. I attribute it to the fact that it was a red state. Okay. So I'm walking downtown Dallas over this last weekend.

Okay. I'm behind a guy. And he does this. He puts his finger on the side of his nose and blows snot. out of the single nostril onto the street as we are walking what in the literal fact. And I was like, oh my gosh, that is disgusting. It kind of looks at me like I'm the dick. Like I'm the asshole.

And I'm just like, that's fucking gross. It was gross. That would never happen in New York, would it? Oh, yeah. It does. Yeah. There's some pretty gross shit that happens on the streets of New York. I would love to say that that's like a red state thing.

Yeah, there's some nasty-ass shit. I mean, there's some nasty-ass shit that goes on in the streets of New York. I mean, I really wish that we could just zero that in on MAGA. But men and the expulsion of liquids in their mouth, they are very, they like a lot of self-awareness in how grotesque it is. There's constant spitting in the street. There's constant, you know, the, you know, there's just men feel like they have a license to let go of all manners, all decency, and care for what a viewer could possibly see.

Right. And they just let it rip. They just let it rip out in public all the time. It's been going on forever. I would give you this. I would probably say in Trump's America, it's worse. Yeah. They probably, just like the racist, they probably feel more emboldened.

Sure. bet these single nose not. If the president of the United States can shit their pants and wear a diaper around, why can't she lose not on the street? By all means, just bug it up on the street. Just book it up. I felt that to my core. I felt when you were describing that, I felt that to my core.

It's such a grievance. It's so gross. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody. And here's the deal. It's like he thought he was invisible. It's like you're not. That's what I'm saying.

He lacks self-awareness and care for the viewer. Yeah, nobody wants to see it. What if I would have stepped on it? Ugh. Okay. I just have some things. I don't know if these are grievances. Well, kind of grievances, but this is a, you'll love this. So who? Viewer and listener, long-time viewer and listener, you know that Pumps and Josh and I have a friendship for the ages. And for years when Josh and I had marital problems, as a lot of marriages do, Pumps was my number one confidant in those things. And things. Now, of course, I've shined the shit out of that diamond in the rough, and he's, you know, pretty much off to the racist. And so now I have these pedestrian complaints about him, which I welcome. I welcome these level of pedestrian complaints. The first thing I want to discuss is Josh Welch's compulsion to get his haircut. Yeah, it's bizarre. So in the last 30 days, I would say probably, I think I did the math on it, 26 days. Josh has had three haircuts. And let me just walk you through each of these, listener and viewer.

We take our youngest son. We move him into his apartment at USC. And while we're in Los Angeles, Josh says, I'm going to get a haircut. I'm like, okay, because he's a traveling haircut person. This is something he enjoys doing. And you know what? I don't. Who cares?

No complaint on that. I like it. I get blowouts when I travel. I like it. I get blowouts when I don't travel. So whatever, right? So that was about less than four weeks ago, this move. All right.

Then about two weeks after that, he comes to New York and he gets another haircut. All right. Then he is here for about a week. He goes home for about four or five days. And then he comes back to New York this very last weekend. And he got his haircut the third time. And so when he walked into the apartment, after the third haircut, I said, wow, you got it cut really short, which is internally is like

10 hamsters on crack cocaine, adderall, ground up and snorted and just on a hamster wheel like crazy. And right as I said it, wow, you got it cut really short. I was like, oh, fuck, I have to live with that comment forever. Why do you have to be so honest, Jennifer? Why do you have to be such just see you and T. Why couldn't you have just said, love the cut? Yep, what's good? I have to step right into it. And so then we have to have a conversation with everybody ensuing about the haircuts. And then finally, as we're walking to the gym one day, he's like, well, I'm going to ask Emily. Emily's our trainer. I'm going to ask Emily if she thinks my hair's too short. I'm like, by all means, let's keep talking about it. Right. Let's ask this guy on the street. Let's ask the,

you know, snot slinger if he thinks, why stop talking about it now? And so, um, uh, I finally said to him, I said, Josh, here's just the mathematics of that. If you get three haircuts, it's going to be short and less than 30 days. The only outcome for that is that you're going to have short hair. And, listener, Josh is really self-deprecating at the same time. Totally. I'm not telling this. He can absorb it and laugh.

But here's the tidbit where I think you're just going to love. So Josh has been on our pot a lot lately. We're integrating him into IHIP News because he's a criminal defense attorney and the incoming investigations. The crime. We need a criminal defense attorney on staff to walk us through all of this and it's coming. And so Josh is reading the comments

in the comment section on YouTube. And a couple of people said that they think that Josh dies his hair brown and his beard is gray. And this really this occupies a lot of real estate in his brain.

And I knew pumps would love this. Here's the long and short of it, you guys. He does not dye his hair. He's not above it. Oh, heaven's no. He would 100% it. But that hair is his, that hair and that hair color. I don't know why he has a gray beard, but that's just what aged first.

But he was like, people in the comments think I dye my hair. You're like, who cares? I'm excited to share my new favorite partner for this podcast, our sponsor, Cozy Earth. because I am obsessed with bed sheets. Sheets are such an important part of my day when I make my bed in the morning. And when I get home from work and I'm ready for bed and I crawl in bed, I have to have good sheets. They have to be comfortable. They have to be durable.

They have to be cotton. And this is why I want to share with you my favorite sheets of all time come from cozy earth. The texture is incredibly soft and smooth and it's lightweight. and they feel just incredibly crisp yet soft at the same time. And sheets levers, you know what I'm talking about right when you climb in. And a 10-year warranty, 10 years, Cozy Earth stands behind everything they make because true luxury is built to last. They have a lot of other products besides sheets.

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I know. I just cut this out because this will just do his ego. So, I mean, the comment should say, I can't believe that fucker's 57 years old. Almost 50. He looks fucking amazing. That's what the comment should say. And instead, you're fucking me so hard right now. You know what's going to happen? And I'm kind of going to, I think I might text him about it today. You know, Josh, if you're worried about the comment section about your beard being gray, why don't we die it? We could die your gray.

Oh, you are diabolical. Because he'll start, he'll start asking Google about it. But let's, we're not going to skip over something. Okay. Just said, because we're going to deep dive into this. As a single 56 year old woman out there looking, you said. Is that what she said, Kylie? So are you out actively looking for people to date, update me and the viewer?

We are waiting with bated breath, my dear. Here's what happened. And this is the first time this has happened to me. me in a long time. Okay. So driving back from Dallas, the diesel gas was $7 a gallon. That's an FYI. Okay. And these, I saw these Harley Davidson's like driving in a big group and whatever. So they passed me and I was getting nervous around motorcycles. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt somebody. So anyway, we're all getting gas at the same time. Okay. So these fuckers, they pull off their helmets. And I mean, they were younger. Most of them were younger than me.

So, but I mean, they were hot as fuck. I was like, oh my God, I want to ride that hog. That's me. And then it actually in my brain, as I'm pumping my gas next to all these hot motorcycle guys, I'm thinking, what if I just went over there and said, hey, do you want to fuck? I could do that. Like, I could totally do that. But of course, I didn't do it. But I thought about doing it.

So I think I get credit for my mind is. churning in that way. But these were exceptionally hot guys, I will say, in the motorcycle helmets once they took them off. So I did think about it. That's big. I'm so proud of you. Number one, internally, I like the Hells Angel attraction. I think that is the final form of rebellion against your evangelical Christian upbringing to be so turned on by the Hells Angels. They were so cute. Yeah, these little demons on bikes, you know, I love it. And I, the analogy of them writing and the new writing. My head's at the right place.

So you think you like a motorcycle guy? Well, I never have thought I liked a motorcycle guy. But I did then. I mean, they were exceptionally cute, though. I mean, I was shot really. Every time the helmet came off, I was like, what in the fuck is happening? Did you start going to Hell's Angels meetings? Did you get any MAGA vibes?

no, and I looked on all their jackets to see if they had patches or something and they didn't. I mean, there was no outward sign of any political, huh? An eagle? No. I mean, no, I mean, I went head to toe because you know those jackets have patches on it. I'm sure. You did go head to toe, says. I did.

I did go ahead to toe. Sounds like you, yeah. Sounds like there was some eye fucking go on. And then I thought, what if, okay, then my head went there. Here, here it went. Okay. So let's say a proposition, one of these guys. And let's say by some miracle that they.

don't care that I'm old enough to be their mother and they're like, yeah, let's fucking go. How bad would that be? I mean, like, would I have the confidence to pull it off, like in the moment? I mean, I know it's like riding a bike, but I mean, I just thought, I think you could do it, pubs. You do? Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, this hell's angel attraction about one is growth.

It really is. like, I'm glad that you're seeing men in an attractive way because for years it has just been like, I hate men, I hate sex. Right, right, right. No, I was thinking about it. And then I thought about it for the last like 60 miles with them. No, it's like real growth. I feel like it's growth too.

I really do. I think it's super normal too to see people that are hot and think about screwing them. And I just think that's a normal part of the human experience. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think there's any shame in that. No, I don't feel any shame. I feel like, I felt like, oh my gosh, well, maybe I'm turning the corner.

You know, maybe. Well, this is a fantastic update for the podcast. Let's get Kylie's take and I'm welcome to I've had it. Let's get Kylie Ann immediately Kylie. I dressed like this so that you would be a dyke on bike. Oh my gosh, you have your leather jacket. Pumps, you hear me? It's the dyke on a bike.

That's a real group. That's a real group. The dykes on bikes, which I totally support. Yeah, they're cool. Kylie, I could borrow your jacket when I ride with my Harley guy. Can I, not to belabor the point, but there was just one thing that I noticed in all of your storytelling. Twice, it stood out to me that you were saying, they, them.

What if they said yes to my proposition? Was this like a group? Or was you're going to pick out one? Okay, see, that's interesting too, because I was like, which one would I pick? Because there were two, like, they were all cute. but there were two that were particularly cute. And I was like, could I pull a double? You're going to Monage.

I could. But I was thinking more trained than Minaj. Oh, double tap. Like a double tap. One right after the other. Right. That's what I was thinking. Interesting.

You know, here's what I love about this whole thing is you go from, I don't want to date, who wants to have sex. I'm almost really literally repulsed by sex. Like when we would all hang out and one of us would be like, my husband and I had great sex. I said, she was always like, oh, disgusting. Why would you want to have sex? I mean, like, repulsed by sex.

I love the whiplash of going from that to pulling a train with Hells Angels. I love the extremity of that. Yeah. And the anonymous nature of it that you would just, like, hey, do you guys want to fuck? and then you go into some, you know, truck or bathroom that's greasy A.F. And you're just, you know, all right, now it's your turn. I love the whiplash of that from absolutely no sex. Sex is disgusting.

Just straight up truck stop gas, sex. Double train at truck stop. Yep, that was me. I love, I love how extreme that is. I'd love for that kind of shit. I love that. That's fucking chef's kiss. I love it.

I love it. All right, fall is rolling in. The weather is crisp. And what I love the most about the fall is I can actually get back into a routine. And I always inject a few new things into my fall routine. And I'm talking about hair growth. I'm completely obsessed with Nutrafall. Listener, Nutrafall is the number one dermatologist's recommended hair growth supplement brand. And it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologist. Because hair health, isn't a one size fits all. Nutrafall offers different formulas for both men and women at any age or stage in life. And now the Nutra Falls Women formula has been upgraded to its most advanced version yet it's 100% vegan, biotin-free, and comes in a smaller capsule size to make your daily routine easier. Listeners, see thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months. Right now, Neutrophol is. is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit

Nutrafall.com and enter promo code, Had It. That's NutraFall.com and that's spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com. And be sure to use the promo code, Had It. All right, Kylie, what's going on in the World Wide Web pertaining to our podcast? I've got a review. It's five stars. Pumps might drop dead. And not a trad wife says, I wanted to review this amazing podcast before Pumps goes.

I'm getting really nervous that the Nussie Orange in office is going to outlive her. Oh, dang. I hope Cassidy, the overqualified lesbian, understands how important lesbians are and that we should treat lesbians with the utmost respect. I would love to see more of Tubby and Chacha because they are just so photogenic. But other than that, 1,000 out of five stars, thank you for all you do. You're the best centrist lesbian, B-E-I-Hire and Pumps a soft beaver can ask for. God, that's a great review.

This is not a trad wife. Yeah. Not a trad wife. Oh, that's, I love that review. So good. And I'm finally over the four-week non-stop wheezing, hacking up a lung on the podcast. So I'm so glad to be happy. I'm so happy I can laugh without hacking up a lung.

Jennifer, when in the middle of my sickness, she called me and she said something funny. And it took me down for three days. Like, it was such a. hacking cough. And then after we hung up, I would still think about it and laugh. And I was, it was like every time it would throw me into a coughing fit. So I'm happy to laugh without a cough. That's something I think the listener needs to know, particularly on IHIP News. If I wanted to knock her out with my humor, like to where she would just fall from the screen and couldn't recover for the remainder of the episode, I could do that because I know which buttons to push to make pumps laugh.

That's 25 years of friendship. Yeah. So I save that stuff and I'll call her and I go, you know what I was just thinking about and I'll tell her something and she's like full blown emphysema COPD. I mean, needs a lung transplant immediately. And she's like inhale it. This is this is something you have to understand about pumps. This I'll never forget this. So we were all smokers back in the day. Jen Xers that, you know, all of you kids are vaping. Now we all, we smoked cigarettes. Brewed O. G. Yeah. So Pumps and I would smoke six together. And pumps would be like just like she was on the pod the last, you know, three or four weeks, just full-blown, because she has asthma, for starters.

She has compromised lungs from the get-go, but that does not disqualify for her from going three packs a day when she smoked cigarettes, three packs, you guys. So she would be like, we're like in our 30s, you know, and she would, I'd go, guy, I don't think we should smoke. She's like, oh, no, just give me a second. She'd whip out this inhaler and then just shake it. I should take like four hits off of it and then just light the sick. Yeah.

Right. Go for number two. Is that what you've been doing with the vape this whole time? Well, yeah. Yeah. It's not as dramatic. Like, I really, like, the only reason I quit smoking is I couldn't breathe and quit smoking. It was hospitalized.

You were hospitalized. I was hospitalized for eight days in Vegas had to watch Fox News with my mother. Like, nobody wants to do that again. Nobody wants to go through that again. Finally, on day two, I was like, I can't, I can't live like this. I would rather die than do that. She called me. she called me. She's like, I'm in the hospital. My mother's on her way out here. I can't breathe. It's

really bad. I need for you to deal with Emily. Emily's her daughter. That's very, very, very, very, very, high dramatic. I have an ability to tell Emily, it's not, you're going 10, this is a two. And so I had the honors, the privilege. The absolute privilege. She was the hardest one. And so I handed her off to you. Of course. And I can handle it. Yeah, all right. All right, the sheriff in. Okay, I've got some news stories. Thanks, thank you so much for sharing. That was really, I really, that just, that is completely in Trump's America, you want to hog up on with some hell's angels. I mean, boss hog, baby. I just, that just, that's what we need. I, I feel, I, I just, I feel like, I feel like I just got secondhand fucked by

the hell angels. That's how excited I am. I feel like I have a freshly fucked look about me just from hearing about you wanting to do that. So thank you for that. And to all the listeners out there that are on treadmills that are in their cars that are listening to us right now, I'm sure you probably feel freshly fucked by a hell's angel by proxy as well. So pumps. We are eternally grateful for that, that overshare. It was classic overshare. Perfect. Okay, it was just you. You know, somebody said something the other day. I was out in public. I was out in somebody said something about something we said on a podcast. And still to this day, I forget that millions of people listen to this thing. I know. I always think, wait, that was a private. I was just telling pumps

that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I forget that the podcast is public. And we don't know. And then it's like, it goes into some cloud. Yeah. We did say that. I mean, I'm kind of a virus remorse about. About what? Oh, the crabs. Yeah. Telling everyone at crabs. But you know, I just am like, who fucking cares. I don't look he cares. You're a crab survivor and I don't think you should live with shame. This is the time in our country where we advocate for survivors and you are a crab survivor. And there is probably some listener out there who has like, you know what, I want a retro bush. I'm not going to be, I'm not going to shave all my pubs off. I want a full blown 1970s, 80s porn star retro bush. I'm not doing that. and in that decision maybe they fell prey to crabs like you.

And you just gave normalization. You desensitized the shame of people that have suffered from crabs. And really, I just, I don't think you should feel shame about that. I think there's something liberating and saying, hi, my name is Pomson, I'm a crab survivor. Yeah, I'm a crab survivor. Yeah. All right.

Speaking of weird sexual shit, Kylie, play the on my soundbook. Why would you even get into beastiality? Why would you even get into bestiality? So as you know, somebody wanted to join the FBI that was into beastiality, right? Cash Patel is like, you know, I'll remove that restriction immediately because you fuck animals. You're my guy. I fuck with you. Let's go.

So a week after Cash Patel defended victims of bestiality, Kylie play our soundboard. Why would you even get in to bestiality? In front of Congress, the FBI is facing another scandal. Pop this up. FBI warned immigration authorities about fake trad wife dating profiles. An FBI memo said that a small group of women are posting with a traditional wife aesthetic as a tactic as a tactic to lure immigration authorities. The dating profiles were incorporating imagery of a traditional wife, aesthetic, and listing specific interests in an attempt to appeal to an individual's in law enforcement, according to the memo. The objective was to lure affiliated law enforcement personnel into an online or in-person interaction under the guise of a date after which the individuals would be publicly exposed or doxed online, the memo reads.

The tactic is intended to generate public embarrassment and deter immigration enforcement activity. The FBI confirmed the authenticity of the memo to NBC News. And what I have to say to this is not all heroes wear capes. That's right. I support all of this with everything in me. Here's the thing. Like, okay, so we've got Epstein files, we haven't arrested anybody. We've got right wing groups that are out gods and guns and doing all this shit.

I mean, the FBI is such a fucking disaster, but we are so worried about guys going online and hooking up with tradwold. Like, I just cannot believe that that exists. I cannot believe the FBI is spending time on memos saying don't get caught by a tradwife. Like, fucker, it doesn't matter if you're a trad wife. Whatever the profile is, if you're being a net on a dating app, you're being a net on a dating app. Like, that's just how it is. And so just the amount of energy and tax dollars that have been wasted on Cash Patel's

girlfriend, on extra small FBI jackets for him, on private planes. I just, the waste, the waste fraud and abuse in Cash Patel's FBI is so staggering. And it is not limited because we've got DOJ. I mean, there's a gazillion things, but just. in particular, Cash Patel is just the dumbest, like of all the podcasters on the planet, of all the podcasters on the planet that you could get to be the director of the FBI. He was a bad choice even in that group, even in that group of unqualified people, Cash Patel's at the bottom.

But I guess that's why he was picked. Yeah, and I think what I hear from all of this and what I see from all of this is a larger narrative that we need to expose. And it is that people that identify as MAGA, whether you are the director of the FBI, whether you are the speaker of the house, whether you are the husband of Christy Knoe, these people are deeply, deeply, deeply sexually repressed. These people are not liberated sexually the way we just experienced a master class about your wanting to pull a train with Hell's Angels at a truck stop, a gas station bathroom. These people are so incredibly sexually repressed, and this is why they hate the white liberal woman who fucks for sport, if you want to, fantasizes

about crabs, announces that they have crab, they're crab survivor. I think it would be better for you to start referring to yourself as a crab survivor for all of those that have survived crabs. But then, you know, think about this. Think about the case that's piling up. Christy Noam, her husband, Big Titty Brian, right? Think about, we just heard about Lauren Bobert. Cissor City. It's Cisor City for Lauren Bobert, who is nonstop talking about God, Jesus, all this shit.

Meanwhile, it's, you know, let's deep dive snorkel with my staff, no mask, and then get busted and have to pay $200. $100,000 allegedly, all right? All right. So she's vaguely diving. And listen, I support it. I'm for all of this shit that they want to do. But they have so much shame surrounding sex. And so then these brave heroes that are infiltrating the FBI by, or I guess that it

wasn't the FBI, they're infiltrating immigration authorities. So basically ICE, it sounds like. agents to get them in a compromising position because they know that these men are fucked up sexually. Those are not people that are liberated. This is why the MAGA movement hates the LGBTQ plus movement so much because it's pride month because they have pride in who they are. They have pride when they fuck. They have pride when they hit on people.

They don't feel the shame that MAGA does. So whether it's Cash Patel allegedly fucking a dog and he wants to make that okay, you know, for being the FBI director of goat. Whatever his animal of choice was, because God knows, you know, Alexa's probably like, I wish the goat would take it on, so I don't have to do this. She'll be happy to get extra dogs to take care of that problem. Or these brave heroes, or should I say, heroes that are putting these immigration officers in compromising positions.

They know they can lure them in as trad wives and then say some kinky shit. And these people, it's going to come out. But then, you know, their public persona is. is mega church, God. We're so tough. Drag queens are, you know, doing all this gay shit with kids and blah, blah, blah. And that's before we even get to this fabulous Instagram account called Reich Wing Watch, that all day, every day just drops a fresh supply of all of these MAGA morons that their whole entire digital profile vacillates between the fight, fight, fight,

Yep. In quotes, assassination attempt on Canks to the drag queens and the gay agenda and trainings, trains and kids and all this shit. Meanwhile, they get fucking arrested for doing what? Sexually assaulting kids, slipping into kids' DMs. And so it's just, Maga is the party of people that have incredible sexual dysfunction. Yeah, that they, that they're trying to hide it and they're trying to go underground and do it. you can't first of all you said she not all heroes were capes she wrote i wouldn't be surprised if all

these ice guys are on grinder too let's not rule that out and and then i was just gonna did you see the article about a week ago about mark way mullins who is the secretary homeland security secretary secretary of homeland security from oklahoma that he has a weird living relationship yeah yeah i saw I'm like, oh my God, it never ends. It never fucking ends. Little Moses Mike Grindr-Johnson had a weird, fucked up roommate. And the neighbors reported that the huge Bible thumper that Moses Mike lived with answered the door when Mike gone from work in his panties. I mean, so don't tell me there isn't all this homoerotic shit going on.

I mean, from a man who has devoted his entire life to anti-gay causes, little grinder has. Yeah. I mean, you know, there's just a real fine line between. a cowboy that you see in like super tight wranglers. I'm talking skin fucking tight, starched down the center with a big cowboy belt buckle and the shirt that's super skin tight in these boots. And if you've ever been to a boot and scoot in place, the way they twirl around the dance floor, there's a real fine line between a cowboy and a queen.

I'm just saying, likewise with like there's a real fine line between a lot of, uh, country gals and stereotypical lesbians. There's just a real fine line. I'm just saying that I think the libtards are correct when they say that sexuality is a spectrum. I think that a lot of these people feel like if they find somebody attractive that is of the same sex that they're being gay and they're like, oh my God, that was crazy. I was gay. And then, you know, and then they, it just builds and builds and builds because they think these people are so nutty.

They think they're being surveilled 24-7, 365 by God and all of their thoughts. I mean, my God. We're governed by these dipships. I've had it with Christians. I've had it with Christians. Had it. Had it, had it. This family is on the brink of civil war.

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What have the callers had it with? Okay, good. Because I'll find a new grievance here. Okay, at first we've got... Jenny. Hi, Pumps. Hi, Kylie, Seth, Ryan. This is Jenny, the therapist, and her therapy dog, Hazel. I've written into you guys before. I just have to share with you the most astonishing thing. I was out walking, Ms. Hazel, come up to this yard in my little neighborhood where I live. Suddenly there's caution tape all over the front on. Really kind of thought something was wrong, didn't know if a tree had fallen on. the neighbor's house or what as i get closer there is a sign that says stay back we have noisy dogs and a sleeping baby and then this sign proceeds to tell anybody who's coming to the door what they can do if they're there for a social visit if they're delivering food if it's a package and anyway i just

had it with that kind of stuff you know i've raised three kids youngest one is 18 sure i didn't like people, you know, being loud in my actual house if a baby was trying to sleep. But to go so far as telling the outside world what they can do because your baby is inside sleeping. I don't know. I think that's bananas. Anyway, love you guys. Can't wait to see your show in D.C.

Thanks. Bye. Yeah, I think that's really nutty. Here's the thing. There is nothing worse than having a new baby and somebody ring the door about back in our day, or my day at least, with Sam. it was landlines. Like, so it was just ringing,

ringing, ring people. And they're being sweet, but it's like, I finally just took the phone off the hook. Now with silencing your phone, you can do that. But here's the thing. Caution tape. Do we have to go so far as to put caution tape around? And if you want to deliver a package,

do this, da, da, da, da, da, what, I've seen people that just put tape over the doorbell that says, please text me if you're here. So it seems. slightly dramatic. But with new parents, and I was like this, you think you are the only person on planet Earth that has ever had a baby and that your problems, like your baby's not sleeping all night. That's so unique to you. It's not. Everybody does it. Everybody lives through it. It's not great, but you do. I'm going to have to say, this is too far. Just a little too far for me.

Yeah, I would say that, you know, the stickers that you see on the back of many vans, it has like a dad, a stick figures, a dad, mom, and little kids, and then a couple dogs and a couple of cats. And then also on the same car, you see like proud parent of, you know, Smith Jones Elementary School Honor student. All of this lives in the same space. Yeah. All of this lives in this, and you nailed it, that people think they're universally unique when they breed and have a family and that their experiences in this are, unique and that their baby's needs are more important than every other baby's needs and that their child is smarter than every other child and their family is you know worthy of a stick figure

thing and what I have to say about all of this is put a sock in it put a sock in all of top bottom left right breeding has been around forever like literally forever and I think that the straights do this the most. I'm curious as we see the gays and the lesseys and the LGBT plus community have their own families. I wonder if they would do the stick figure family in their car. Like dad, dad, kid. I'm kind of thinking, no.

No. I'm wondering about the honor student sticker. Have you seen the one that says my child beat up your honor student? Of course. Those were so, I mean, I like that one. I like that one a little bit. But yeah, I think I think the gays are too cool for those stick figures. Maybe I'm wrong.

But I think just generalizing, I think way too cool. They're not going to get caught up in all that bullshit. I do have a little slight story that I'm glad Hazel going on a walk reminded me of. So yesterday I take all the dogs for a walk. And Blaze takes a ginormous poop. I mean, ginormous. And it was a double sacker. So I go in, there's a hole in the sack.

And I mean, I went right in to get it. It was so gross. Is that ever happened? Am I the only person that's ever happened to? Surely not. That has not happened to me. And thank you so much for sharing. Let's get to the next caller.

To the first Christ, yeah. Okay. Thanks, we've got Dakota. Hi, Jen. Hi, Pump. Seth. Hey, Diva. and most importantly, hi, Kylie.

I only listen to this podcast for you. Let it be known. My name's Dakota. I'm from Seattle, and I've had it with customer service employees who are rude to me because they're mad at a customer that was mean to them before I even got there. I was just in the drive-thru, and I pulled up, and they're like, hi, what would you like to order? I said, oh my God, hello. So nice to see you. This is what I would like to order. Thank you so much. They say, is that all? I say, yep, that'll be it. And then 10 seconds of silence. Nobody says anything. I'm sitting here wondering, okay, does she need a moment?

Is she busy in there? Do I need to pull forward? What am I supposed to do? And then at the end of that 10 seconds, she says, okay, we'll see you up here. Like loaded and dripping an attitude. And I'm like, you know, screw me for thinking that I'm going to have you read my total to me so I know how much I need to give you whenever I gets to the window.

Or like, screw me for thinking. that maybe you as the employee would say, okay, pull forward. We'll see you up here. So then I get to the window and she's absolutely rude to me like won't even look at me and make eye contact. And I worked retail for five years. I know how fucking awful customers can be and I totally get being in a bad mood after a bad interaction. But one thing that just doesn't make sense is to be rude to the customers that are nice, like overly nice to you. You can kind of tell whenever somebody has worked in retail because they have this like sense of how can I make your job easier as the employee. Like, I get the struggle. But it always peaves me so bad whenever I'm like

overly nice to an employee and they're just like opening my jaws and shitting in my mouth because they hit it on the customer period. Anyway, that's why I've had it. Love you. It's a really good grievance. It's very nuanced. And I appreciate a nuanced grievance like that. It's not just like I went to the drive through and the lady was a bitch. There was a lot of analysis behind it. Like he opined and deduced that she was mad because the customers before him had been shitty to her. And so then he's taken the grenade on that. You know, he's, he's the collateral damage of these bad customers. I appreciate how detailed and nuanced that that is. And I, you know, I always go back to this. If these, the people who work in the service industry are shit on by everybody. Everybody.

by most importantly, first and foremost, their employers. Their employers refuse to pay them a livable wage. And then the government assists in that. Oh, no, these are job creators. We can't put restrictions on them. They should be able to, you know, pay or do whatever they want to do. We don't want to have. We're for laissez-faire economics, et cetera. And then just the Facebook keyboard warriors then are like, I don't know. And so, I get his grievance. I understand it because I always try to be really kind to people in the service industry and, you know, acknowledge because I waited tables forever and all through college. And I think it's one of the best jobs a person can have is waiting tables because you really get a sampling of all the different types of people there are in the world. So I don't know. I just love a detailed nuanced grievance and I appreciate it.

Yeah. And I've had that happen to me. where I'm waiting, like, do I pull up? Do I not pull up? Like, I need a little more direction, but here's the deal. People get treated like shit. So I'm with you. I always try to be super nice and gracious and not get mad. But it sounds like he killed her with kindness even after she was a bitch to him, which I appreciate too. I do too. All right, who's next? Okay, up next we've got Kylie. Too Kylie. Did you call him? Not me. Kylie. This is a fellow Kylie calling with an

I've had it. This kind of has to do with the I've had it, Jen has about getting emails and text from businesses after you make just like a one-time purchase. I purchased a keyboard online from this business. And I proceeded to get the confirmation email, which whatever, I expect that. I then get a email from a different person. that claims to be, well, not claims to be, the sales manager there. And he is thanking me personally for the order and then asks how to stay in contact with me. And what's the best way to stay in contact?

What do you mean? Why would I want to stay in contact? I'm just trying to buy this keyboard from you. Anyway, so I get that. And I'm like, maybe this is a small business or something and they're just like very thankful for the purchase. That's not even the worst part. He proceeds to call me. No.

To thank me for the order. Why are you calling me? No. And then after the orders delivered, he tries calling me again. No. Why are we calling? Why are we calling me? No.

So that's why I've had it for today. I'm just so sick of it. Stalker behavior. It's epidemic. I have been whistleblowing about this type of stuff all the time. it's a slippery slope that these companies are engaging in. And it's a gateway to what obviously, Kylie, the caller, you know,

could seriously have a stage five stalker on her hand at this stage. How would we know the difference? Because the corporations stalk us like that as well. It should feel like stalking. Let me give you a prime example. I had my annual mammogram last Friday. It was a miserable experience, okay? They had to smush my little titty's into this thing.

and she didn't get it right the first time. We did a bunch of different images and they were smushed and that's, hold your breath, and then you hear the machine go, beep, beep, beep. Okay. Miserable experience.

One out of five stars. I recommend, because I believe in the power of preventative medicine, but it's not pleasant. It shouldn't be a service that you give a review for. I can not be goddamned.

I get the results. normal. Thank you. Praise Jesus. Praise be. That's the atheist. God is looking over my top. God is good. God is looking over my titty. It was a God thing. Yeah. It was a God thing. And I got a text after said miserable experience of having my tits smushed, resumished, holding my breath, the beeping of the machine, it's like a goddamn horror film, right? It's like a CIA black sight in these mammogram rooms where the punching the tithies. Right? It's like basically titty waterboarding.

And I get a text message asking me to review the experience. And here's what I have to say to the people who came up with surveys. stop the whole business is a fucking racket it is a fucking racket who is going what kind of motherfucker goes on to their phone after being at a CIA black site masquerading as a mammography radiology room and gets tortured and gets their titty smushed multiple times in a row while holding their breath and then how was this experience would you care to rate this experience? No, I would care to not remember this experience until next year. I want to deny that ever happen. I want to evangelical Christian this thing. I want to pick up the rug, sweep the abuse under,

and roll it back down because I'm grateful for the science that we can catch and that women aren't dropping dead of cancer. But this is not a reviewable, surveiable experience, period. Who came up with all of these ideas that there's a fucking survey for that? There's a survey for this. I oppose surveys. I've had it with surveys. I think it's bullshit. I think it's a niche group of busy bodies. Yeah. Co-dependent toxic people that came up with this racket. We'll survey people and we're going to charge these corporations to run their surveys. Racket, racket, racket, racket, racket. And then they sit around and they scramble jets and they sit around and go, okay, well, we were looking at the surveys and we just came up with a whole new motto. And the people are saying, well, what should we do different than the other radiology departments? We've got it. It may feel like you're at a CIA black site, but at least you don't have cancer. You know, they come up with this shit and then it's just, and they're constantly just pummeling us with all this stuff. At the end of the day, a medical visit, none of these things are surveilable.

Nobody likes going, except unless you're a freak show hypochondriac like Josh, nobody genuinely likes doing this shit. Well, you like to take surveys. I loved it. I like political surveys. I don't, I don't do just like every day. Like yesterday I had my car. I didn't get it. I didn't survey it. I just ignored it. I'm just like no, but I love. Kylie, you like a survey? I don't know if I've ever actually done one. I appreciate that. I never get to know for me. Yeah. I do all the political surveys that come my way. And it's interesting because it used to be more fun. I used to get surveys from like Republican and Democrats are just

on public questions. But now mine are all like, do you think the Trump administration is corrupt? Yes. I mean, so now they figured me out. I'm saying, somebody's making money off of that by asking stupid questions. Of course he's great. Most surveys are stupid questions. You may remember back to the start of this podcast, one of my original fundamental grievances that I've had forever are stupid questions. And then there's this whole movement. There's no such thing as a stupid question. Are you fucking kidding me? Stupid questions are goddamn ubiquitous. And here's a prime one. Do you think Donald Trump's a dips shit? That's a stupid question because it's a stupid question.

asked and answered counselor. We all know. Everybody knows he's a moron, criminal, idiot. So I think stupid questions, okay, here it is. Surveys are the monetization of stupid questions. Yes. You're so right. With everything in me, I think they're a racket. I want to take down the survey business. I like it. I like it, especially after doctor's appointments. I do kind of like political surveys. But other than that, yes, I'm with you. So this, this is the first mission of the MAPA movement. Surveys. Yeah, taking down surveys. I'm going to, and here's what I'm going to do. I'll create a survey to see what people see. About surveys. Yeah. That would be the first project. I've got it. I've got it guys. Hey, listen, listen, we'll do a survey about if people enjoy surveys.

Surveys. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a credit. It's really fresh. It's really fresh. cutting edge. You should do it. Kylie, draw it up. Put it on the internet. Let's circle back with more ideas. What are we going to call the survey about surveys? You know, everybody, you know, enough. Enough. The millennials have done a lot of good things, but I think a lot of this, a lot of this, there's no such thing as a stupid question. Everything has to be positive all the time. I need some cynicism in the world. Absolutely. I need it. I need it. I need it to survive. Mm-hmm. I agree. One million percent. I can't survive.

toxic positivity. I can't survive in a world where there is no such thing as a stupid question. Ask me whatever you want. Okay, are you a dumb bitch? Is that a stupid question? Let's talk about that. Do you want a survey on that? On a scale of one to ten, how would you think the question rates in stupid ability? Are you a dumb bitch? That's what I want to do. I would answer the question myself, yes. Yes, I am a stupid bitch. I'm a ten. I'm a ten. I'm a ten. I'm a out of 10 on the dumb bitch scale. Just spot it. You got it.

All right. That's all we have. Listen, I have a book around here somewhere. Here it is. And it's close. I'm so excited. I can't wait to get my in the mail. October 6th.

Not today fascists. Please pre-order it. It helps me a lot. And I think you'll quite enjoy it. It's obviously more serious, more political, but we need this. And this is a great read to motivate everybody right into the midterms, put pumps back in here. and please leave us a voice memo and you have to obviously tell Kylie you think she's cool in order for her to play and she's the gatekeeper of all that and she is a fucking unhinged narcissist

of the highest order. Yeah. And you'll notice the trend in all our voicemails. You get on if you say how great Kylie is. Yeah. Then it gets played. Then it gets played. No, I'm kidding.

Kylie's not a narcissist. She's fabulous. She's the, she's our hashtag. Why? I'm writing that down for a hat next time. I get so fucking tired. Shut the fuck up.

They are my hashtag why. Are you a dumb bitch? Is how we should respond? Yeah. As a matter of fact, I am. I am. Thank you for noticing. All right.

We'll see you all later.