I've Had It - Homeschool Energy with Jared Freid

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined today by the hilarious comedian and podcast host, Jared Freid. In light of his upcoming European tour, Jennifer gives Jared the rundown of all the things Europeans can't stand about Americans. Jared shares stories of his mother, who he affectionately refers to as the Navy Seal of Body Shaming and the three play a very eye-opening game of Marry, F*ck, Kill. Thank you to our sponsors: BetterHelp: I've Had It is brought to you by BetterHelp, visit Betterhelp.com/hadit today to get 10% off your first month. CareOf: This episode is sponsored by CareOf, visit takecareof.com and use code 'hadit50' for 50% off your first order. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Jared Freid: @jaredfreid Check Out: U Up? Pod, The J-Train Podcast & The Betchelor

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. she is ready to go pumps, what have you had it with? I've had it with service people giving you a time slot

of like five hours when they're gonna come fixture appliance or internet or whatever. It's like, I don't have a client that I say, okay, well, I'll meet you at the office between one and five, the window, the service window, the window. And you know, it wouldn't be that hard because they all end up texting you. The service men, like, I'm 20 minutes away, which I appreciate. They used to not do that. That's new. That is new, but I appreciate it.

Cause then you have their number and you can like get down to the bottom of it. So I understand if they're running late, they want to give you a window. So you're not like, oh my god, it's three o'clock. There was just, we're here at three o'clock, it's three, fifteen. All they would have to do is shoot you a text that says, hey, I'm running late. It's going to be closer to 3.30. But I think what you're getting at is these companies with whom we pay a lot of money to. Yes.

And like I live in one of these homes, the kids call a smart home. Right. Everything is done on my phone. Light switches, television, remote, everything is on the phone. So if our Wi-Fi goes down, oh my God, it's the worst. It is stage five meltdown from Josh. Yes. To me, to the kids because they stream video games, we are like black hawk down like nobody's business. I bet Josh is worse than the kids. A million times worse. But then you finally, you know, you call the 800 number,

you talk to a circle jerk of robots, and then finally you get somebody. They try to troubleshoot it, they can't troubleshoot it, and then they give you, oh, we're gonna give you a window that we can come to your house of 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. Right, that's not, that's my whole second day. They put you under house arrest because you need this service. And what if, what if I said to my kids,

I'm gonna feed you guys sometime between 8 a.m. and 1 p.m. Right, that's what time we're gonna roll out food. No, I mean, it's ridiculous. Oh, I've had it. I've had it. Had it. They need to get it more streamlined. You know who else kind of does this, but it's just implied.

Doctors' offices. Oh, right. Like, you're supposed to just sit there for half an hour and not even think a thing about it. Rarely do you go to a physician and you have an 8am appointment. Rarely, are you back there, receive whatever medical assessment you need and out the door on time? It is always a disaster. Right. I do feel like I always try to get the appointment first thing in the morning. And our doctor does a 730 in the morning appointment and I always like that 730 in the morning. And our doctor does a 730 in the morning appointment. And I always like that 730 in the morning.

It's the same with flights. The first flight. Yes, the first flight. Well, let me, before I tell you what I've had it with, I need to tell the listener that I'm going to take you on a journey. On a journey of what it's like to go to my best friend, Pumps' house. So when I go up there, which is rarely, because I usually make her come to me, five miles, it's not that far, because it's in my bubble. But anyway, I'll have to go up there

and she'll say, oh, just come in through the garage. Right. So I walk in and let's say it's seven p.m. Okay. And I walk in the house, and the first thing that strikes me is how dark it is. Oh, I'm a vampire. It's so dark that you cannot see anything.

So then you assume my assumption is, oh, she must have ran an errand. Right. She probably went to the store. But then I look in the garage and there's your car. Right. So I'm waiting for my eyes to adjust and I start walking through your laundry room and then get to the kitchen. And then I see one of your children walk by like everything's fucking normal. Right. And

you cannot see a goddamn thing. It is pitch black like you're living in a third world country with zero power, zero light pollution, zero starlight. I mean, it's like an overcast night. And the child is like, oh, hey, Jenny, like they can see me perfectly. Right. And then it gets worse, because then you make your way back to Pumps' bedroom. And just when you think it can't get darker, right? You open up her

bedroom door and it is incredibly dark, like you blindingly dark. You cannot see a thing. But then in the bed, you see this woman, fluffed up, like nobody's business, and I love a good fluff. So I'm not knocking the fluff. And then our face is subtly illuminated with an iPad. And there's 95 beverages next to her and then you see a poof of vape smoke. And everybody in the house is acting like this is totally normal.

They're like, oh, hey, Jenny, come on in. I can't see a fucking thing. The dogs walk around, everybody's adjusted to living in this darkness. And then pumps will say to me, God, my kids, just, you know, they always say they have anxiety. I just think they could be the biggest pussies on the planet. I'm like, they have anxiety because they can't fucking see.

They've been raised in total darkness. Now, I don't think so at all. I don't think that's, I mean, the anxiety part. I don't think it's attributable to the Dracula. I do. It's unbelievable. It's like you live in like the post-World War II where everybody conserved everything all the time, like turn off the light. There is not one light switch on anywhere. Now, I like it dark. And it's funny that you say that because I've had three neighbors in my life,

like my adult life. And every single one of them have been like, oh my God, your house is so dark. And I just love it. I just think I've had it with the darkness. I've had it with the darkness. I think that just a little bit of ambient light, a nice lamp soft in the corner,

would be good for you, good for your children, and good for guests, just to have a little bit of an ambient light. I'll agree with the guest, but now, if I could have the kids, they're living in darkness. No, they're used to it by now. They like it dark too. Well, I would like to welcome everybody

to I've had it podcast. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She is the Princess Diana podcast. I mean, people are going to hear that and get offended because everybody loves Princess Diana. Everybody loves you. You're the star of our show. It's not a big jump. It's not a big jump. I'm not your right. You're such a humanitarian. Right, running around in my tiara. I've had it, is sponsored by BetterHelp. Jenny, as you know, I have been struggling my whole life with raging codependency. But it wasn't until therapy that I was able to identify this about myself.

I've had the same struggles, pumps. Being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, I felt helpless and alone at so many points in my life. I personally have benefited so much from therapy. I had to really dig deep about myself in order to grow. Yes, growing emotionally is such an important part of adulthood. If you are thinking of starting therapy, give better help to try. Discover your potential with better help. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire

to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Again, discover your potential with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help help.com slash had it. I want to introduce our guest today. His name is Jared Fried. He is a comedian and he is the host of you up. He's going on tour in Europe soon. So jealous.

And I did a deep dive of his Instagram. And he totally hate watches the bachelor and a bachelor at. And I cannot stand the bachelor or the bachelor at. But I live for the hate watching narrative that this guy pops out on Instagram. It is some high quality hate. I can't get enough of it. Let's get Jared on here. Jared, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Excellent. Excellent. I'm Jennifer and this is Pam. She's the star of our show. She's obnoxious. Totally obnoxious. I am. I can already tell the dynamic going on. Well, Jared, what we like to do here, there's a lot of podcasts out there that are about how to become a better person and How to find some of those

Well, you're in the right place because what we do is some world-class shit talking here And I just want to jump right to it. Tell us what you've had it with Okay, so I'm wearing a hat. It's a lion's hat. I don't care about the team But it brings you into the worst conversation. You can't wear a hat unless it represents you and where you're from and who you're a diehard of and where you know, and if you're wearing a hat, someone will look at you and there are people with the and it's the lowest form of personality. Right. As they see the hat and they go, ew, ew, I like another team

because I was born in a vagina in another state that I had no control over. And it's like, get out of here, you're bad a conversation, you're bad at talking to people, we can have a thorough in-depth talk. And why the lions have have I'm from Michigan. I don't care where you're from. Because it looked good on me.

If the hat would literally say go China. And I would. And if it looked good on me, I'm with it. I'm wearing the go China. I relate to that level of vanity. I did too. More than I do relating to a team. Now, there are some tennis players

that I really insanely love. But if I like a team and the color doesn't look good with my skin, I'm not wearing their merch. It's over. It's over. I'll silently give a fist bump when they score. And that's about it. Like, I don't need, you know, it's just like,

it's this weird, we have to connect. I don't need to connect with everyone. I walk down the street and see. I just need to connect with the mirror that I look good at. But I think I look good at. Also, I just wanted to the doctor. Someone, I'm in the doctor, I'm in the waiting room. And all of a sudden, I smell soup.

I smell soup. I'm going, and I'm sniffing around, and I look to my left. It's 9.30 in the morning. I'm like, who is cooking a chicken stock? 9.30 in the morning. I'm in a doctor's waiting room. I'm sniffing around. I'm like, who is cooking a a chicken stock and There's a guy eating out of a plastic bag chicken and rice from a halal cart. Okay

We're in the doctor's office. There are two allowable smells at a doctor's office, mint or chlorox. Anything else, I don't want to smell your lunch, your dinner, the waiting room at the doctor's office is not where I want to smell. You have a 9 a.m. chicken and rice dish. I couldn't agree more. I mean, it's offensive. It's completely offensive and it's over the top. And I think that this is something

that needs attention and a light shine onto it. When you go like, I'm an interior designer. I have an interior designer studio, super chic, great furniture. You don't want to walk in here and smell salmon. Right. No, that's the thing. It is mind-body and salt is to speak to the assholes who have podcasts that we hate that talk about positivity. Saying when I walk into somewhere, the smell has to match the atmosphere. Right. It's got to match the brand. And what we really need are social referees. I totally agree. People, right, walking around in the striped referees suits, they're not police officers, they're social referees.

So they can't give you a ticket, but they're going to give you like in soccer. There's yellow card red card is a minor offense. You've been warned. Red card. You don't get to vote anymore. So or breed. Right. I think some of these people, right. You're not allowed to breed anymore. This is right. Two red cards. Right. It's so socially egregious that you should be removed from the gene pool. Like you should not be able to breed anymore because we don't

need more of you. Right. having a turkey dinner in the waiting room of a doctor's office, that's more than a warning. That's what we're gonna take you out of the voting thing. You know, if you, like I was in a, I was in an Uber in the, and the driver, they were drinking a bottle of water. Like I'm not the biggest conservationist, I'm not the biggest, like recycler, I'm not a, I'm not a we are the world guy

happy earth month to you both. I will say this, I will do what's socially, you know, I will fall in line with, you know, being a human being. This person chugged the plastic water bottle, opened the window, threw it out the window. And listen, I don't care enough about the earth to like be like, stop the car!

Like, no! Like I'm gonna get where I'm going. I am offended enough where I literally put my seatbelt on. I was like, if this person's capable of doing a bottle of water, I don't know what's coming next, but I'm gonna wear my seatbelt, because then I think of my mom. Like I always have this like Jewish mom voice in my head.

Like you just, like commenting on what I did. So like, I just imagine like the person getting an accident, me, you know, having horrific injury and then my mom going, you just don't weigh your seat belt in a car with someone throws the ball off the window. You're just going to sit there like a yups. You're going to sit there. You're not going to, you don't even weigh on a seat belt. You see someone put throw trash out the window. You don't think that's going to get worse. What are you doing? And I put on the seat belt. That's right. That you know, some people have a conscience. I have

him freed my mom yelling at me. I listen to you on a podcast. Your J Train podcast. And I think you said your mother was the Navy seal of body shaming. Is that right? I say a lot of things. I like that line. No, I think you said it. You were like, sure. The Navy seal of body shaming. I thought that was.

Yeah, she could. Right. She'll slip it in there. I mean, like, listen, I, yeah, she'll be, you know, it's like one of those things. It's like, you know, like a Navy seal knows how to kill you with their, their right thumb. Right. you know, it's like one of those things, it's like, I, you know, like a, maybe you see it knows how to kill you with their, their right thumb. My mom can make you think about how much you weigh just with like a little, a little tiny, you know, comment. Like, I don't know.

I think it's like, you know, body issues are familial. They are patrolling from generation to generation. You know, growing up, I remember going and trying on clothing. And I was, you know, young kid dealing with weight issues and I and she would go try on these pants. And I remember she would like the pants and then I would try them on and I'd be like, you know, I'd get like a calf into them and I'd be like, over and I'd be like, no, this pants aren't working.

I'd come out and be like, they don't fit and she'd go, why? I don't know. They don't fit. I don't know why a explanation is needed. She goes, well, try them on. I like them. I go? I don't know. They don't fit. I don't know why a explanation is needed. She goes, well, try them on. I like them. I go, they don't fit. And it's like, why?

And I go, I don't know. Have you heard of calories? Have you heard of eating pizza? That's why. What do I need to tell you? I'm a fat fuck. I'm 10 years old. I'm growing.

What do you need? What other explanation? They don't fit. Let's move on. We move on to the next pants You like this doesn't have to be me turning down grandma's jewels. This isn't what I'm turning down I'm turning down a pair of pants that don't fit me. I'm a 34, okay We're not a 30 anymore

So I take my I have two sons 20 and 16 and I take shopping. And I have an idea of how I want them to dress. And they have their idea of how they want to dress. And so we're like in Paris or London or New York. And I'm like, oh, let's go to some boozy ass place, like Gucci or somewhere. And he's like, no, I just want to go to this vintage store. So we're in Paris and we go over to this vintage store. We live in Oklahoma City. And there's like, no, I just want to go to this vintage store. So we're in Paris and we go over to this vintage store. And we live in Oklahoma City.

And there's like a famous pizza place called Hideaway Pizza in Oklahoma. And Josh and I refused to go into the vintage store and my son comes out. And he's like, oh my God, they had a Hideaway Pizza T-shirt. And I'm like, that's fucking awesome. We came all the way to Paris to get a shirt that we could get in Oklahoma City.

That's great boys. But it is, I feel your mother's pain to an extent, but I also see now how much I torture my sons through you when I take them shopping because I have this vision of just how chic they can look and they just roll their eyes and they're so irritated with me. I understand it. They are a reflection of you. You know, you're sending out your tenders, you know, the little boats from the Mama ship and they are a reflection of you. I understand

and your sounds like, no, I want to spend 80 euro on a shirt that I could have gotten from Oklahoma City, but it was worn by a guy named Pierre. Tell us what you thought about Oklahoma City. And listen, we're thick skinned. So tell us Okay, the people of Oklahoma City had homeschooled energy. Oh my gosh, no. They were very nice, but there was like, what is wrong with you people? I think I just like, I come on strong as I did on this show. Like, I'm loud, I'm very northeast. I didn't even realize how northeast I was until I traveled the country.

And, you know, I, there is a little bit of like, you know, just like looking at me like, what is this animal? I would say the Oklahoma City of all the place I've been to, it's like, it is the, like, I'm going to Europe this Sunday. And Oklahoma City was like the most foreign American place to me. Like, I to that like line dancing, they were line dancing. You know, the DJ just looked like a cowboy guy. And like, you know, like that, I was like, this is, it was actually like sweet, you know, you're like, it was nice. Like, like the people that would make fun of someone for dancing were the ones dancing. Like, you know, it was the guy that I would expect to be like, I don't go on no dance floor, was like, you know, twirling their gal.

And it was, you know, I was like, there's, I don't know if there already is, but like this is national geographic as much as going and seeing, you know, the natives of another country do what they do. Like I was watching in a way where I was like, oh, this is so honest. Listen to this. When I was younger in my 20s, I always went to the gay bars with my gay friends.

And there is like the quintessential gay bar that's like a disco tech. And then like a few doors down, there is a gay boot scooting bar where it's full-blown gay cowboys. They're two-stepin. They're twirling each other. And the name of the bar was called saddle tramps.

And it was one of my favorite places to go. Because they had the full-blown, the tight jeans, the Wranglers with the crease down the center, the big belt buckle, the hats, but as gay as all get out twirling around boot scooting, it's saddle tramps and I would get so hammered there just the people watching. I absolutely loved it. Right. It's like, you know, your, you know, culture is kind of unescapable, you know, no matter what you are in that culture, like what your affiliations are, what you're, you know, culture is kind of unescapable, you know, no matter what you are in that culture, like what your affiliations are, what your, you know, and it's kind of the problem with

like the world today is like you see, you know, men dancing at a cowboy two step and you go, they are all this side of the aisle, this type of person, whereas like, no, but there's you turn to that person who's like, well, all you know this political affiliation this opinion you go this is a gay bar sir. So before Tiger King was like before COVID before he was the Tiger King reality show. My husband's a photographer in GQ hired him to go out to what's his name Joe exotic, to go out to his ranch in Oklahoma to photograph him because he was kind of this eccentric character that lived with these lions and tigers. So he comes back and I'm like, what was it like? He goes, man, that shit was fucking

weird. So you got this overtly gay guy And he's totally like holstered up. He's got like three or four guns on him. He's got a couple of boyfriend's running around. And he's a fucking trumper. It was the biggest trip I've ever seen in my life. Before you could even describe someone as a joe exotic type, that's what it, you know, like, you know, like, now because of the popularity of the Netflix show, you go, that guy's just like a Joe Exotic,

you go, okay, now I have that in my brain as a form of a reference. Then before the timing you're talking about, it's like, wait, what? Exactly. Like there's no reference to that. I'm going, he was like, that was some weird shit. Okay, so I wanna talk about, you're going to Europe.

Yes. On tour, which I'm super jealous of because I love Europe. It's my favorite place to go. But I want to talk about, I want to flip the script a little bit. We pick on Americans, obviously, in our podcast and stupid shit they do. But I want to look at things and I'm going to throw some stuff out here. This is what Europeans go on and on about us. This is what gives them the Ick about us,

like huge turn off. Okay. Number one, they think that we have barbaric eating habits. The free refills are disgusting. We're binge drinkers. The portion sizes, the all you can eat buffet. Absolutely gives them the Ick, discuss the shit out of them.

I agree with them. I do too. He's hard to. You know, like, it's not like, you know, these things, you know, I, I, I, and listen, I am a active participant in these things. Absolutely. Right. Like, my family's motto is more, more, more and extra.

Right. You want more, more, more and extra. Right. You want more, more, more and extra. I don't care what it is. I just want to get all of it. And then I'll decide what I don't want. It is a capitalistic approach to life. Totally. It is us saying, let me grab everything.

And then I'll parse out what I don't want. I'll give away my leftovers. I'll take the doggy bag just in case. I, and listen, I aspire to the lifestyle they have. Like I want to be able to go out, have a glass of wine, eat a little half a piece of bread, but that's never gonna happen. The full love. I'm going to drink the whole bottle.

I'm a winner. I'm an American. I don't need things to be eaten by others. I want. I get exactly. And then like I've been to Europe a couple times. I did show. I, and again, like just like I never realized

that was like a northeastern American until I traveled more. You don't realize how American you are as American. Like even, you know, we all think, you know, I'm not like those Americans. Yeah, I don't, you know, golden corral ain't for me, you know, never. And then you go there and you hear yourself through there, you know, you put yourself in

front of this different mirror. And I remember I was there. I was opening for my friend. She, Michelle Wolf, who's like one of the best women in the lives. She's fantastic. And I remember I got on set. The first stop was London and sold out shows and in Europe, the standups don't have openers normally.

So it's like this very like, it's a very proper way to do a show where you come out, they go, this is my show, and it's a little bit slower. I think American stand-up is more, you know, every 10 seconds, there's this more story, a little bit more story telling, a little bit more drawn out. You know, more, again, you know, ours is buffet, and theirs is, you know, a coarse meal as far as performance is concerned.

So I go on stage and they're like, what's going on? And I'm like, and I'm like, so, and also Michelle's audience is a little bit more politically inclined. They're a little bit more, you know, you know, Oxford than, you know, me. I'm a little more chimney sweep. I go on stage. I'm like, you guys have mosquitoes here. And they're like, the whole crowd at once was like, yeah, you fucking idiot. Like, you're in the ski, look, you're giving off homeschool vibes. Right. Yeah. You're the homeschool. Yeah. I'm looking at them. Care of is a sponsor of today's episode. You know, pumps at our age, we have got to take better

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Thank you, Jenny. You're welcome. Listener for 50% off your first care of order, go to take care of .com and enter code had it 5-0. Again, go to takecareof.com and enter code had it 5-0. Okay, the next one is it blows their mind that we have commercials for prescription medications. And these commercials are disturbing enough. We did a whole episode about it. Like, if you, you know, the side effects, it's going to make you shit. It's going to make you vomit.

It's going to make you want to kill yourself. But that just blows their mind that the capitalism is so big and so immense that you would find out about a medication from the television and then go to your doctor who went to fucking medical school for like 20 years and say, Hey, I heard about this drug called oxy cotton. They say it's not addictive at all. Can you hook me up with some of that? You know, it's funny. It's like those commercials have been around since I've been alive.

So I can't. So to me, it when someone, when I do think about it, I go, yeah, that is weird that they would have a commercial. It is weird. Right. I mean, you know, ozemic is in the news. I knew ozemic before I even knew what ozempic was. I was like, I've heard that name. And then you go, they go, yeah, the diabetes medication that people are using to lose weight. You go, I don't even know who's from diabetes. I just thought it was weight loss. I just thought it was a commercializing. I thought I didn't know.

It was anything. It's weird. It's like, I can't remember my friend's wife's name. And I can remember. I'm like, you know, in my, you know, it's like, I can't remember like my friend's wife's name, and I can remember, I'm like, yeah, I was epic. I know that name. Like, maybe we should start, maybe people need to start naming, you know, their kids, those, those, I can't remember.

Okay, this is my favorite. So the Europeans have a hard time reconciling. How Americans are like, there is violence everywhere in our culture, in our television shows, in our movies, in our gun culture. But then if they see a titty or an ass or a penis, I mean the wheels come off and it is like cover little billies eyes that is a tit and he cannot see it. We are so overtly offended by nudity. But yet violence and like, slitting people's throats and blowing people's brains out. No big deal. Right. I, man, I wish it was different. I wish there was titties everywhere. My one, I'm going to run for office and I'm going to, my whole, you know, I'm going to run for office.

And I'm going to, my whole, you know, campaign is going to be titties as far as the eye can see. You will see titties on billboards. You'll see titties and children's books. You're going to see titties on your ozemic commercials. I'm going to make sure.

And I think you could then, you could then say is your platform. You don't like my platform. Tough titties. Tough titties. You can shove it in your pussy. Shove your gun. Because it's and doesn't shine. Okay, something we've totally had it with, which we obviously are or what we call Yak-Mouth, which are people that just fucking talk non-stop. TMI, like a prime example would be you have somebody come to service something in your home and they tell you the minutia of a dishwasher and water in and water out and you don't give a shit. So Europeans think that all Americans engage in way too much TMI. And where we live in Oklahoma, I know for sure people,

it's way too much TMI. People are like, where are you from? What part of town do you live in? What church do you go to? And it just goes on and on. I find all of these things like very invasive. But I'm used to it. And so I can kind of coldly, but politely

guided in other directions. But for Europeans, they're like, shut the fuck up you guys talk too much, you over share. Right, I'm with you. Again, these are all things that they're not wrong about. Like I was in Oklahoma City, I walked in the elevator and this person, there was two women. I think it was like a Kenny Chesney concert.

There was some concert going on. So they're like in cowboy boots, they're in the whole deal. And I'm like good for them, like I, but I just come from the gym. So I have headphones in, I go in the elevator, I like nod at them in a polite way. And they're like, you look so serious.

And I'm like, what? I don't know, I go, I go, maybe it's my eyebrows. I was like, I don't know what else to fucking tell you. And I think, what did they want from me? I don't know what they needed from me. Like did they want me to walk in the elevator? Like, hey everybody, like someone walked in to an elevator smiling.

I would think they're about to blow up the elevator. I have my perception by assumption. It would be total serial killer vibe. I think the biggest gift you can give somebody in an elevator is to walk on a slight eye contact nod and then shut the fuck up. That is not a place where we're going to get to know each other. Okay. Here's something I think is really interesting and I have noticed this difference. So when you go to Europe next week, I want you to take a gander at this. Use the restroom, not just the urinal, but the actual restroom at the airport,

your last American port. And you're going to notice that there is a couple of inches that you can kind of get a little glimmer through the door. And Europe, that shit is sealed off. It is completely sealed off. There's no peekaboo. And so here we are. We are the Puritans that are so breathtakingly offended by nudity.

Right? Yet there's this creepy peekaboo design in our public restrooms where you can get a little eye if somebody sitting there taking a huge greaser, which nobody wants to see except for the architects that designed this for some bizarre reason. But in Europe, you can't even slip a piece of paper through that thing. I mean, it is fucking Ziploc sealed up. And the Europeans have noticed this. This is where I'm on team America. I have to say, maybe back in the day, this made some sense to give you a whole hut to like seclude yourself in.

But now with people sitting on the toilet and using their cell phone, we need a little eyeball in the breeze to get you moving. We need people to be reminded that time is a vestence. We need because I understand you're paying candy crush, you're on, you know, you're on Twitter, you're tweeting out your, you know, these genius lines you have understand you're paying candy crush. You're on, you know, you're on Twitter. You're tweeting out your, you know, these genius lines you have, you're on Instagram. Three hours go by. I've already shit my pants. I don't think I think we're okay.

Having a little peek of boo still to keep it going. Keep it going. Yeah, I need, yeah, I need you to be on your toes a little peekaboo still to keep it going. Keep it. Yeah, I need you to be on your toes a little bit. I want you to see my eyeball looking blue. You're not. You're not. You're not. I need new, you know, new panties. And I, you know, okay, here's another thing that kind of freaks Europeans out. And this is going to, for a lot of our listeners that have probably never been out of the country, we do have a lot of international listeners. But you have to think about this from a different perspective.

I mean, we're all raised with the United States is the center of the fucking university, is the best country in the world, fuck everybody. I mean, that's kind of the gist that we have that we're raised in. So a European comes over here and I've started noticing it more and more. For me, it was just always normal. But if you drive up to a car dealership, there are literally like 20 American flags. I mean, you would think you were going to a fucking military post. I've never even thought of that. You're right. It is. I mean, it is not just America. It's like we are goddamn mother-fucking America come by your Ford F-150 you fucking patriots. Let's fucking go This is this is a very much an Oklahoma City thing

There are flags that are literally the size of football fields above your It is not they're big There are flags that are literally the size of football fields above your. It is not, they're big. They're not just like a flag. They're huge. And this is more suburban than city, but you know, you see American flags around the city, but suburbs and Oklahoma City, I actually remember because I was in Toronto and Vancouver before I was in Oklahoma City.

And they'll have like a little any bitty Canadian flag on top of a building. And you go to Oklahoma City. It's like these colors do not fucking believe. You see it and you're like, it's so big that you're like, I don't even know like how many, you know know how many people did it take in a third world country, so it's like, lag. Jared, now we're gonna play a game with you that we have, it's called Had it or Hit it.

Tell us if you've had it with something or if you'd hit it. Oh my God, welcome to Had it or Hit it. I would hit it, Had it, Had it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Had it or hit it, I hit it, I hit it every day sometimes twice a day. I had it or hit it, vajazzling. Hit it, I haven't had it because I haven't had it. Like I haven't seen it. I know it exists.

I know it's like putting diamond studs around your vagina. Right. Yeah. I have some around the perimeter you know, around the perimeter of my balls right now. Very uncomfortable. Let me ask you this. Sitting is a nightmare. You start getting naked with a woman. So, vagisalding pumps are women put like they decorate their vagines. They like like with the bedazzle, but it's like bad job. Like bedazzling them, but you bedazzling your

on there. I don't know the ins and outs of a vaginal. I think it's like decor. You ever see euphoria? You know, that style of makeup. Right. Euphoria look where it's very intense and there's glitter and sparkles around your eye. That, but a vagina, I would think. Here's my only concern with it is if this thing is obviously you'd use some sort of skin glue or something. Right. Okay. So you start getting frisky, right?

And there's a lot of friction. What if one of these jewels gets lodged up in the vagina? Right. Or like you break out. Like, you know, I think it could be a minefield. But if you're, if you're making out with a woman, you take off her paintings and you see a bedazzled visein hit it right see what you just brought up is what I would call a you problem. I'm hitting it because I just like you know I think most men most the idea that women are thinking of sex. They're thinking of it.

So the idea that a woman who freaking the sheets, classy in the streets type of deal, the fact that you like this woman and she's beautiful and smart and you're like, let's go home and then all of a sudden, you get her pants off and her panties off and there's a disco ball down. You're almost like it's flatter. I didn't see it coming. You know I'm pumped. Right. What's next? You know I'm gonna get that finger in the butt that I want.

You know, if she's willing to fucking turn, turn her vagina into a nightclub, this is an open communicative woman who's modern and classy and looking to like inventive and creative. Right. The creativity. Okay. Had it or hit it, couples that have to do. Okay. Had it or hit it couples that have to do everything together Had it if you have any time a couple has a joint Facebook account or Instagram account

I'm like, oh, they are either swingers or they're cheating We just said it. We just said episode that's exactly what we said that was what we came up up with. Yeah, there's swingers or there's cheaters. And I just think it would be so much more helpful for the follower. If you follow these people, if you're friends with them, to put, you know, like, Jared and Pops, Jared fucked around on Pops in 2015. So now, you know, and then we know.

It's not so strong. It's not as wise. Yeah, let's cut to the chase, save everybody's time. Or Jared and Pops, save everybody's time, or Jared and Pumps. Jared likes to watch, Bert and other big guys fuck pumps. And then we just know. And then for the people that are looking for swinging too,

they'd be like, what's their kink within the swinging? Like, let's just cut to the chase. Right, because what is Pumps a nickname in the ass? Oh, yeah. Oh, she's Pumps. That's me. Watching pumps fuck. Right. I just because y'all are the two here. So I'm like, okay, let's say that y'all are a couple. It would just be. So much more helpful because we know they're

fucked up. And this is my internal biases. I like believe it for the woman for some reason. The man, I'm always like, what's going on? I'm like, and the other day, because I sit on the U of podcast. There's only three reasons for a straight man to be on social media. And it's to fuck, it's to be funny, or it's to make money. Okay.

Okay. If you're guys posting and none of those three things are happening, you have to wonder which of those three things is happening. Right. Right. So if they're not making money from it, then they're trying to, and if they're not making a joke, then they're out there trying to be available to other people who might think that they look good in their picture. That is my opinion.

I mean, if we look at this, honestly, women follow women for style tips, for makeup tips, for hair tips, for my ex-girlfriend, she used to be like, I follow her because I just love her style. I have never followed a man because I'm like, I, I love this guy style. Oh, my God. Anytime he links some skincare products, I am totally in. It just doesn't exist for me. Okay. Had it or hit it, Stanley Cups. The big water bottle community is awful. Totally agree with you. I've had it. She, I'm a horrible offender. She wants Stanley Gibson every color.

It disgusts me. It disgusts me that she's my best friend. She schleps this thing around with her and I feel just mortal embarrassment. I just think why do you have to consume a beverage? All the goddamn time it drives me fucking crazy Jared. I mean, crazy. You know, when, you you know when like a question is really just judgment. I do that.

I feel that that's how I feel about the Stanley water bottles, the big water bottles, because they're saying to you, I am a water drinker. I am good because everyone knows you should be getting more water. Well, you know, all of us know we don't drink enough water. Oh, look at me. I'm holding the championship of I get enough water. You pigs. And it's like, what they don't want to tell you is that when they bought the bottle, they

were at their lowest point in life. They were looking for a solution for a problem that they should probably get a therapist for right That's what you know the water bottle to me signifies I had a a horrific meltdown That's what that every time I see the water bottle I know that that was someone who was crying on the floor Saying I don't fit into my prom dress anymore.

I need to do something. And instead of doing an actual regimen, they were like a water bottle will make that happen. Okay, Jared, a couple more things I want to do with you. Fuck Mary Kill, okay? Elizabeth Holmes and she's that woman that did the, what's the, Theronous, Theronous.

The blonde with the just had a couple of kids. Yes, yes. Elizabeth Holmes. Did she go to jail or not? She was supposed to go to day, but they gave her a reprieve and tell her appeal, which I think is bullshit, by the way,

by the way. She had a couple of kids. Okay. Elizabeth Holmes, Melania Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Oh, that's her god. Marrying Elizabeth Holmes, because we'll never have to worry about money. Like someone like that is always like, she'll go to jail and she'll have the most cigarettes in the jail within a month. You know, like she...

She'd scam always. Right. When you don't worry about money, life is a little bit easier. Right. So, and, you know, also, I feel like she'd be an efficient, you know, you know, sexual partner. She would be like, and you know, I'm going to marry Elizabeth Holmes. I'm fucking Melania just because I don't think it would be a fun sexual activity.

I think she, you know, I don't think she's really going for it, but I, you know, I do want to like see what that's all about. Right. I kill Marjorie Taylor Greene. I just can't, I can't deal with no, with like a lack of awareness. Like I need you to go, I need, even if someone is a, like a WWE wrestling person, I need one wink that like, yeah, I'm fucking wrong.

You know, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need that. The fist to come down for two seconds to show your face to go, we're just joshin' in Mac. Like, I need that. So that would be my, man. Okay, one more. Elon Musk. Tom Cruise.

Chris Harrison. Marrying Chris Harrison. I think, I to, I think he'd be reasonable. I think he'd be a good like partner. Are you going to be the top or bottom? We would, we would trade off. Absolutely. I think that's why we're, we're, we're, we're,

we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we's why we're reasonability comes right right right back and forth and go to each other dinner and listen to one another and really be a team approach. Who is the other one? Tom Cruise Elon Musk.

I'm fucking Tom Cruise. There's no point. He's going to jackrabbit like the energy. Can you imagine the energy he would have in the bedroom. Can you imagine he does all of his own stuff? I mean, he's probably your bride. He's on the corner of the bed. And he's kind of crazy.

You know, there's kind of like, you know, a crazy fuck that you can get out of it too. You know, he's kind of unhinged. And he's like, you said a jackrabbit. I'm in on that. Right. He'd be all over the room. He's little. He's like, I'm, Elon, I'm killing Elon.

I think he's, yeah, Elon would pay a robot to fuck me. So I, I'm not, you know, I'm not gonna hug C3PO after I'm done. I want a human connection. Right. Well, you know, I'm not going to hug C3PO after I'm done. I want a human connection.

Right. Well, I mean, Jared, you do not disappoint. Absolutely. This was such a pleasure and such a blast. I really appreciate you having. It was awesome. I have so much fun in Europe. Yeah. Good luck on your tour to our listeners. Thank you. You can find Jared on Instagram at Jared Freed. And I'm sure you're on TikTok and all the other shit. And then you have you up podcast and much or other podcast. J-Trade. You have a podcast, the J-Train podcast. We got the bachelor podcast.

I never shut the fuck up. So I, I, just fucking googling. Right. At Jared for Instagram is like the hub of my, my wheels, so to speak. So at Jared Freed and TikTok, wheel, so to speak. So at Jared Frieden, Tik Tok, I'm wizard of hot. I like that.

Jared, thank you so much. You're awesome. Thank you. See you later. Absolutely. Bye. Oh my gosh. He is hilarious.

Absolutely. Hilarious. I love that he thinks the Stanley Cup community, it's just an identifier that this person is not a brain day. So Josh used to say all the time, like before he ever got sober, he would call Sundays the Sunday crunch. And he would have like, you know, low dopamine serotonin after a weekend of just raging, right? And so Sundays it would be like, I'm going to Barnes and Noble. I'm going to buy books. I'm going to read books.

I'm going to be at a bookstore. And then I'm going to go to Whole Foods and I'm going to buy lettuce and I'm going to eat salads and I'm going to do these things. And you know, he'd do it like Monday and then Tuesday. And then Wednesday he'd be like,

well, when do I miss going on? I have to go. What I loved is his well-reasoned fuck Mary Kill. I mean, they were very well-thought out. I agreed with all his choices. The fuck Mary Kill, I mean, he could be like the king of fuck Mary Kill. I kind of want to be the king of fuck Mary Kill.

I'm really good at that. His were so good. We're gonna have to Kylie will on one of our Thursday episodes, pumps. We will play Kate you. And Kylie and I will come up with some fuck Mary Kins. Right. Because you've got some stiff competition with Jared.

I think of myself as really, really good, like top of the line in that game. But Jared might eat at winter. The enthusiasm about it. He too. He wasn't that hurt. He was like, I'm gonna fuck Tom Cruise. Right.

It's gonna be like a Jackrabbit. He'll probably be great in the sack. And then talking about what a great partner Chris Harris and Whitney kind of was so cute. They would take turns. They would prepare meals for each other. I mean, he jumped right on the gay train without hesitation.

No, he's a cool guy. Well, I would like to thank everybody for joining us on I've had it today. Such a super fun day. We especially want to thank all of our international listeners. Yes, it's so exciting to see that. We love seeing all of the countries that you come from and hearing your voice memos and your feedback on social media makes us so happy.

But please subscribe to Patreon and you will see all sorts of extra content there. Please go give us a review on Apple. I've asked you people a ton. And they really pretty got about it. And follow us on all the shit, like all the shit, and we will see you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday. I'm telling you what I've had with. Look here, it's there. I'm mad at you with that. Pick up that glass of peanut grease your drink of choice and come have some fun with us on Turtle Time.

We're going to do more than just drink and party on this podcast mom. I know, I know. OK, if you don't know who I am, well, I'll remain a singer. And that's my daughter, Avery. And you probably know us best from the real housewives of New York. And now you'll get to know us even better on our podcast, Turtle Time.

Let's make more iconic moments together every Wednesday. It's Turtle Time. Follow Ray and review now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. wherever you get your podcasts.