I've Had It - I Don't Dilly & I Refuse to Dally with Ross Mathews

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined by the hilarious Ross Mathews for one extremely "sh*tty" conversation - from the Delta flyer incident to the time Pumps took a dump in styrofoam cup on the highway. Jennifer brings up a rather barbaric childhood trend and Pumps has had it with scam calls and their sneaky new tricks. Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast and subscribe to I've Had It wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you to our sponsors: L'Oreal Paris: This episode of I’ve Had It is brought to you by the new L’Oreal Paris Bright Reveal Dark Spot Serum: https://bit.ly/3tmvJmB and Broad-Spectrum SPF 50 Daily Lotion: https://bit.ly/3ruWMLW. Dark Spots? Game Over! Discover the new Bright Reveal Dark Spot Duo! Visit Target online and in-store to buy yours today! BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/HADIT today and get 10% off your first month. Happy Mammoth: Listener, you can get your first bottle of Hormone Harmony for 15% OFF if you use the code HADIT on the checkout page. Go to HappyMammoth.com and enter the promo code HADIT on the checkout page. Valid till November 30th. Shopify: Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com/hadit and take your business to the next level today. Quince: Take the drama out of planning an outfit and upgrade your closet with Quince today! Go to Quince.com/hadit for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Bombas: Go to Bombas.com/HADIT and use code HADIT for twenty percent off your first purchase. Lume: Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code hadit at lumepodcast.com! #lumepod Just Thrive: Get 20% off your first 90-day bottle of Just Calm and Just Thrive Probiotic today – Visit JustThriveHealth.com and use promo code: HADIT Blueland: Blueland has a special offer for listeners. Right now, get 15% off your first order by going to Blueland.com/HADIT Apartments.com: Apartments.com is making Earth more habitable than it’s ever been, no matter where you’re from. Apartments.com The place to find a place. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Ross Mathews @helloross

This episode of I've Had It is brought to you by the new L'Oreal Paris Bright Reveal Dark Spot, Serum, and Broad Spectrum, SPF 50 Daily Locean. Dark Spot's Game Over. 1, 2, 3. That was horrible. 1, 2, three. Oh, that was horrible. One, two, three. I broke my hand. Okay, one, two, three. Yeah, I saw somebody on, I think it was you, too, or maybe Twitter,

was like, I was always a listener and never a watcher in this listener before she saw it, thought that you were doing the sign, you know, like the action sign, and that you kept botching that, and that's what you were doing over and over. And then it was this aha moment when she watched it on YouTube

and saw that you were failing to clap well. You know, that's funny because if anybody could fuck up, just closing the little box, it would be me. Yes. That is so funny. But it kind of tells me she thinks I'm proficient at it that I did it more often than not. Yeah.

So I'm going to go ahead and turn that into a compliment. Yes. What have you had it with? What I've had it with is appointment reminders by phone. Just text me. Yes. I don't need 47 phone calls when I think, oh my gosh, my doctor's calling. It must be to reschedule or something's messed up. So you break away from

whatever you're doing. And then it turns out they're just reminding your appointment. And I'm like, okay, text me. It's easier. It's more efficient. I prefer it. I love an appointment reminder, but only by text. What I think is especially maddening about that is that doctors are never on time. Never on time. Which I have told you I've had it with that. I've had it with the 15 minutes. I've had it having to sign in. What time you arrived, because if you're 15 minutes late, they'll reschedule you.

But you'll sit, you're fat ass in the way, you're in for 20 minutes before they even check you in. So you're looking at an hour sometimes. It's ridiculous. Yeah. My son's doctor will call, email, and text, all of the appointments. And it's non-stopping when I see it's the, your kid's doctor, you're on alert. Right. Because you're like, oh, hell, what's going on?

And then it's like some, and it's a robot call. Plus the tax. And then they call again. And then sometimes they call like, it's a reminder to get a well check, which is a total racket. Well checks are total rackets for kids, in my opinion. The only reason I think well checks are important

is if you're like failure to thrive or something, but a teenager doesn't need a well check. They're fine unless they tell you they're not fine. Right. Your body lets you know. Right. And they can verbalize it to you. Right. Your body lets you know if you're well or not well. Right. And so I think it's a lot of parading people. I think there's a little bit of racket going on with pediatricians. You think it's a little grandstanding? No, I think it's a grift. Absolutely no grandstanding

about it. It's like, look, they're paying their insurance minimum. I'm going to milk this power mom culture. I'm going to get these kids in here a couple times a year. I'm billing, you know, full. I'm all sorts of shit on it. And it's a total grift. So much more enlightened about griffs these days as we get older. Yeah, yeah, okay. You can see it more. Let me tell you what I've had it with.

Okay, and these are old grievances that I look back on and I retroactively have had it with these things. Oh good. So do you remember in the 80s that we used to have rabbit foot key chains? Oh my gosh, yeah's how gross is that? I had one.

Did you have one? Of course I had one. What kind of savage barbarians were we walking around as latch key kids with a rabbit foot, a real rabbit foot, and it was dyed like powder blue or hot pink purple purple and then you had your key and for those really younger kids a latch key kid is what all of us were in the age race we rode the bus to school our parents were it were right we came home we let ourselves in and there was that was it like you were you were on your own and tell your parents got help from work with your

rabbit with your rabbit foot yeah I remember my rabbit fit. It was like, I thought, here she is. She is hot stuff with this rabbit fit. I thought that rabbit fit keychain. And listen, these were real rabbit feet with nails. And it was a rabbit's foot. And I now think about it. It's horrible.

Die, I think about a cute fluffy, bunny rabbit that were murdered for all of us with our awful hair, blue eyeshadow, parading around with our rabbit foot key chains. Do you have a rabbit fur coat? Of course I had a rabbit fur coat. I had a rabbit fur coat too. It was your long or short?

Short, mine was short too. Yeah, I had a short a rabbit for coat. I had a rabbit for coat too. Was yours longer short? Short. Mine was short too. Yeah, it was short little rabbit for coat. We were so fucked up in the 80s. Oh my gosh. When I think about the blue mascara, we would drive when we are in high school. We would drive from Oklahoma City to Dallas to go to this one mall to get electric blue mascara.

And I mean, we thought if we're not the coolest best looking people on planet earth, I don't know who is. And then we had the hair, hair wall, the bangs that were eight feet tall. Why didn't anybody say anything? Why didn't they say you look stupid? You look like an idiot.

I mean, it is the worst decade hair has ever been through. The 1980s. And I remember like somebody would find some hairspray that would hold it. I've been stronger. And we live in Oklahoma City and it's really windy here. I mean, in the Great Plains, it's a lot of wind. We had hairspray that was so tough

that you could walk outside with the bangs. And like, rat it out on the sides. All of this wretched, permed, frizzed, ratty, awful, you could walk out in the wind, it wouldn't blow. No, at all. Or it would move all in one motion. Like the whole thing would blow. Do you remember, you might be too young for this,

but when I was in middle school, by levels were the deal. So you tell your hair above your ears on the side, and then it was long in the back. It was just really a modification of the mullet. Here's something else we did that was stupid in the 80s, to where if we had this podcast in the 80s, I was in a fender at the time,

but we had these necklaces,s, I was in a fender at the time, but we had these necklaces and it was a heart. Yes. When put together and one friend had one. Yeah. And the other friend had the other and it was each a half of the heart and it said best friends. And so when you got together, you could like, awkwardly get together and match the hearts

and you were best friend necklaces. Talk about a gift. Oh my gosh, yes, but I wore mine so proudly and even my best friend and I had a song. Oh, what Wilson Phillips? No, it was Cindy Loper, Time After Time. I love Cindy Loper. Lover.

Yeah, that's good. What about Boy George? Oh my God, I loved Boy George. I even got to have a pick. I had a poster poster boy George actually too on my bedroom wall in middle school. Let me ask you this. Did you know it was gay? You know, I don't even think I even thought about it. I Mean, I don't think I knew what that really was. Yeah, I mean looking back obviously was because he was fantastic Right, right, but he was like it was in the 80s and it was, you know, he'd wear makeup long hair.

Yeah, rather feminine. Of course, my mother absolutely loved him. I remember some macho kind of blowback from him. And she was like, I don't know why everybody's upset about Boyd George. I think he's really pretty. I thought he was so pretty. I can try to do my eye makeup like him, which was subtle. Yeah.

To go with my stand-up. Yeah, the 80s. Kylie, do you ever have any sort of rabbit foot keychain? I had a rabbit foot keychain, and I had one of those heart best friend necklace. So what's still the rank of thousands? Yeah, 2000 probably. Wow, I can't believe they made it that long.

Are they still making rabbit foot keychain? Sure, all of that came back when I was in middle school junior high because I was really mad at my mom for not keeping all those acid wash jeans and all of that. Right. Fashion kind of cycles. But I don't think the rabbit foot today would come back. Do you? That's gotta be a peda thing.

It's gotta be a peda thing. Rabbit foot, man, that was so bad. All right, well, listener, welcome to I've had it. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the pretty one. I'm the smart one. Kiley, what's going on on social media?

I have someone who begs to differ with either of you being the pretty one. Oh, let's hear it. Just M. Steele commented on Instagram and said, the sad bitterness is making your face's brittle. More whining about anything wholesome, and it might just break off. What did we whine about that with wholesome?

Oh, all sorts of shit. Yeah, I can't even remember. I mean, basically, I could just sit here and tell you I've had it with the word wholesome. Yeah, what can't even remember. I mean, basically, I could just sit here and tell you I've had it with the word wholesome. Yeah, what does that mean? I mean, like, come on. Yeah.

You know, I mean, that's just, you know, these people just identify themselves as a thin skin defender. Right, and we're a babies. We're offenders of all the shit we do, but we're thick skinned. Right. We can laugh at ourselves, but the thin skin defenders come crawling out and it is fantastic, actually, and those are great reads. And I think you ought to tell Michael, like, my face isn't going to fall off until they

quit making Botox. Oh, yeah. That's one thing people always rag us on. Holy Botox, these are my men. Holy Botox. Holy Botox. And I'm like, yeah, we do get Botox. I'm going today.

She's going today, listener. I mean, I'm doubling down. We go get Botox, like people go change their oil. Right. Yeah, it's just a part of the maintenance. Yes. Yes. Okay, today we have a guest.

I'm super excited about this guest. He is the co-host of the Drew Barrymore show. He is a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race, which I mean, we have got to be judges on that show. Wouldn't that be the best? I don't think they'll ever pick us. And he is touring the United States of America with his hit tour Ross Matthews. I got you, girl. So let's welcome to I've had it Ross Matthews. This episode of I've had it is brought to you by the new L'Oreal Paris bright reveal dark spot serum and broad spectrum SPF 50 daily lotion dark spots game over now that summer's over I've really noticed more sunspots

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the internet. And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available. So when you need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Well, hello, Ross. Welcome to our show. We just intro to you and the one job that we're jealous of. Yes. I mean, all are great, but the RuPaul, the judge on the RuPaul's drag race. Oh my god. I mean, that has got to be number one, so fun. And number two, like we both kind of want to be judges on something.

Okay, let me tell you something. It is the most fun because I just get to sit on a panel next to, you know, Carson, Michelle Ru and T.S. Madison. And we just try to make each other laugh. And we have the best seat in the house for like the future of drag year after year after year. We get to see these contestants, the cream of the crop. And like, I'm watching it thinking like, oh my God, this is going to be what everybody is talking about in a few months when this airs and it is It really is a total honor. It's one of those legacy shows

You know when it's all over when I have kicked the bucket They'll put it on my little my little thing that I was part of this show. I'd love that well Ross We like to talk about I mean we're proud of all of your accomplishments But we know that in order to be such an accomplished Man that there are things along the way that must have irritated you and things in your daily life that must irritate you And this is the dump truck This podcast right here to get this stuff off of our chest and help each other power through the world So tell us what you've had it with you You know what I'm so funny when I,

because of course I know of your show. And when they, when there was like, do you wanna go on? I was like, well, have I really had it with anything? So I sat down and I actually asked my husband. I'm like, what have I had it with? And I wanted to make it list. And I had so many things. I thought I wouldn't come up with one.

I had so many things. Just for, can I just say I've had it with passwords? Yes. Yes. Just to do this, I hadn't used my laptop and forever because we haven't been in the city because Drew Barrymore has been on hiatus so we haven't been in the city.

I open up my laptop and it asks for the password to this laptop, which can't be the same as every other password they say. So like I couldn't get into it and then to in order to them have them to send it to me, I had to know my Apple password. We're not supposed to have the same password for everything. We're supposed to be an asterisk, third exclamation point and everything.

How am I supposed to remember? There's got to be, it has my finger, it reads my face and it's still asking me for a password. I've had it. I cannot agree more. I mean, I have had the same password my entire life until I got scammed. And then I had to change all my passwords.

And now I've, in my 53 years on earth, I've had two passwords. So the other day, I'm trying to get in this new fitness app that my studio changed to. And I can't get in it. And it keeps saying, well, this isn't the right password combination. And I'm like, there's only two fucking choices and I've tried them both. Like, what can it be? So I had to go and have the owner of the studio set me up on the deal because I don't know my passwords. Drives me crazy. And I've tried them both. Like, what can it be? So I had to go and have the owner of the studio set me up on the deal because I don't know my passwords. Drives me crazy and I'm with you.

Why can't we just do our face or our thumb? Everybody else does it. I consented to have you read my face. My devices can read my face. Right. And you're still asking me for a colon slash slash exclamation point. Right.

And it, but it's scary because then you think about you got scammed. That is my worst nightmare. Like if somebody like cracked into my IG and posted something terrible, you know, right? Or nightmare, but it's up there. Yeah. It's, it's really bad. My email was recently hacked and it's really, really troubling

when that happens. But it's very violating when somebody gets into your personal digital space, and you kind of take for granted, like you have privacy in the restroom, you might have privacy, you know, when you're changing clothes and you're closet, and you don't think about your privacy online

and communication with your friends and family, but when it is taken and or hacked into, it's drawing, but I will tell you, despite this, the password thing drives me bananas. And here's one thing that really gets in my crawl, is when you're opening up a new account for something and it gives you a recommended password that is like asterix star minus plus J capital Z. And it goes on. Infinity.

Yes. I'm like, no, thank you. I don't, how am I supposed to have this as a password? Right. I can't even remember. Well, I think it's your phone is supposed to remember it for you. But then God forbid, you know, you're stuck somewhere and you have like, I go to the worst case scenario.

OK. I'm visiting Amish country, right? But I need to get in. And there's no signal. And so I have to go to the one public library and use their like Dell computer and log in. How am I gonna know how to get in? I don't know. It is you know what I do though is I I live my life very clean. So if you if anyone did hack in my phone or something all you would find is pictures of my Chihuahua. And there's there's no no there's no there's

nothing in my phone. So don't bother. Moot if you're listening to this you were thinking about hacking just move on. I'm not interesting. I'm looking boring. I think that's a good philosophy to live by. And I do too, like keeping your study the street clean to where it's like you're not living in secrets because I think if you have a lot of secrets

then you tend to be kind of sick mentally and psychologically. How do I write you're like, I totally get that. I know people who live in like their version of the truth and have all these like secret hiding things and these secret lives and people they're texting. And you know what I'm saying? If you're living like that, that's aren't you tired?

Yes. That's what I think. Where do you have the energy to do all this? Like when people have like second families or they're cheating on their wife with several different mistresses, I'm like, where did you find the energy to do all that? Yeah, I don't judge you if that's what you're doing.

Yeah, you don't do your thing, but I don't know how you do it. Yeah, it would be exhausting. Okay, so one other thing in our correspondence prior to getting you in here, that you've had it with, are black toilets? Yeah. And I stand proudly with this.

Okay, I have said this. When I had a podcast, I talked about this all the time. Black toilets, I don't like them because no matter how bright the room is, I don't know if there's anything in there. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not just talking, someone's done a team puller, a two two or whatever.

I'm just saying, there could be a snake in there, there could be a rat and there could be a hand in there. I have to, if I, if that's my one resort, I will take the flashlight out of my phone and just looking like what is in there. And e on to, I'm talking if there's overhead lighting on you can't see, I just don't trust them. It's too much work for me. It's cute for your aesthetic, do you? But I will never. And every time I walk into a restaurant, restroom, and they have one, I go, ugh. LAUGHTER So I'm an interior designer in my other job.

And so I have used a black toilet twice in 25 years. And here's why. I did it. Why would you do it? I'll tell you why. Because when you sent this to me, I was like, do I ever use black toilets? For the most part, it's a no. I think toilets, sheets, towels, toilet paper, all of those things should be white. You shouldn't do pink sheets. You

shouldn't do black sheets. I think all of that stuff should be white. And I'm saying with toilets. But I did this super moody bathroom, powder bathroom for a friend Brian. And it had like black marble mosaic tile on the floor, blackish wallpaper. It was all moody and black. And so I had no choice but to go with the black toilet. Yeah, it's not enough to. If it was a white toilet, it would have looked like a big white head. It's fair. And as you say this, I have a friend who's a very, very fancy designer. And I went to, and his powder room, it is very dark and moody and it's a black toilet. And I think about it every time I think, well, maybe you're wrong Ross. It's just a preference.

But I don't, I just don't trust him. And it makes me have to do a whole routine before I, you know, before I, you know, yeah. Well, I, I don't want to say what I do with a toilet, but we all figured out the thought of like a snake coming. But I don't know why there was like an apartment building in New York when I was a kid or maybe middle school age, that they had a snake, somebody snake escaped, and it came up through the toilet plumbing.

And ever since then, I've been traumatized about toilets. And I think that the snake, the dark toilet, just reaffirms that. You know, I don't know if you read about like the rats in New York, they're just insane right now. And people, I'm, we're good right now, but people have talked, they, right, tweet stories or TikTok stories about rats coming up their toilet. What?

I can you even imagine? No. I can't even. So every time I leave the apartment, of course, live down just in case, are you half-deafing in case? And every time I walk in,, of course, live down just in case. You have to. In case. And every time I walk in, I'm like, Oh, God, please, no. Yeah.

That's my, that is my worst nightmare. Remember before I said that, this is my worst nightmare, rat and toilet. Yeah, I think I'm just going to start as a part of my presentation. I'm going to say there are some concerns. If we go black toilet number one, what can come out and buy your ass? There are a lot of options. We've got rats. We've got snakes. Pants have been worried for 75 years about some snake in New York City that came up and bit somebody's ass. Yeah. And it prevents it all the time from taking a shit in peace. So do you think about that? It's the worst. It can you imagine?

No, even imagine. I don't know what's worse. Is it worse to have done your business and then look down and realize it's been there the whole time? Actually, bite you and not know what's going on. I think the surprise is worse. If it came up and you were sitting down and something just bitch your ass, that would be the worst. You guys, I've never worried about this in my entire life. Now you're going to. Well, I want to say to the two of you, I cannot believe you've done this to me because now every time I go, poo and a toilet, I'm going to be thinking about Ross Matthews and you're welcome. And

snakes and rats biting asses. You're the thing thing. You're in the thing. You're in the stormy where you sort of spread and look just everyone's well. A little peekaboo. A peekaboo through the vision. A peekapoo. A peekapoo. Well Ross, I noticed something else on your email Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on the important things. And I chose Delta because I love Fresca. It is refreshing. It's zero calorie soda and it mixes beautifully with vodka. Right? Right. And so that I would people say, like, well, you know, there's an American flight that gets you there sooner. I'm like, um, Delta. And then during COVID, they just, you know, a lot of bad things happen during COVID, right?

And one of the bad things that happened is that they got rid of the fresco on Delta. And so I just want everyone to know now I'm flying American because they have brought back their version of Sprite Zero. It's like Sierra missed zero or something close enough. Close enough. I just don't like it when people change things. You know, I have now all these Delta points I'm not using because of the fresco. Well, in merging your black toilet and, you know, safe potty syndrome that you have with a black toilet, with Delta Airlines, I would be remiss if I didn't combine these two had its into one and discuss what happened on a Delta flight recently from Atlanta to Barcelona.

Somebody as they take off, they're about three or four hours into the flight. Somebody has explosive diarrhea in economy, all the way down. Why not just say in economy? Why you got to shout them out like that? That's not a matter. We're just being petty and salty.

And so all the way down the aisle, and then to the bathroom, and then of course, there's just piles of diarrhea down the hallway on Delta. And so these people are, you know, they're thinking about being in Barcelona, you know, on the Ramblas, and they're gonna eat tapas.

And then all of a sudden, it's Nagasaki, Hiroshima, down the aisle. They have to turn that murder rant. Go back to Atlanta. Clean it. They had to rip the carpet out of it. The diarrhea was that toxic. It could not be sucked and cleaned out.

They had to re-carpet the plane before the passengers got back on. Now listen, I have been on some pretty shitty flights. I've never taken flight number two out of Atlanta. That is, you remember my old worst nightmare? Yeah, it's the worst. I just got a new one. I just I knew there. I want to correct one thing. You said there were piles of diarrhea.

I yeah, so I think it was streams of diarrhea. Streams. Sure. Right. It was streams. I, Pumps and I looked it up online yesterday and a passenger took video and there were, you know, hot spots. Oh my god.

Down. We actually saw it out and just you could see it. We absolutely did. How did he not, he or she not run to the bathroom? I mean, why wasn't they're more like urgency on that person's part to be in the toilet? I'd rather have them sit in the toilet the whole time than up and down the aisles. I understand things happen, but let's just keep it contained. You know what I mean? Yes.

Why did this human have to just do, he basically did like a parade up and down the aisle. He did, it's a ship parade. He sure did. He sure did, he sure did. A ship parade. But you know, Pops has issues with controlling her bowel movements at times.

And so I have actually been in my master bathroom of my house, and we live in a neighborhood where it's safe and your door can be unlocked. And so she'll just, I'm in my bathroom, minding my own business, perhaps I'm tweezing my eyebrows, let's say. And then all of a sudden, somebody just flashes by me, and it's my friend and she's screaming and talking really rapid as fast as she can and then she plops down on the toilet right in front of me and bombs go off. But at least I'm in a hurry, I'm urgent about it. See that's what I would have been racing. You need a new defense. Okay, it's going to get worse. Pumps.

Okay. Share with Ross about the highway incident. Oh my gosh. Tell him what she did. So one time I was on the highway and I didn't have anywhere to get off. There was no pulling over and getting off. So I had a big like Styrofoam cub that I had water in. And I haven't been here. Through the water out the window.

And I'd like pooped in the cup on the highway. And the worst part about the whole story is that then I couldn't find any place to throw it away. Oh no. So I'm driving around with a cup full of shit for like 10, 15 minutes before I'm able to get off and throw it away. No, it was bad.

It was horrible. I'm proud of you for not littering. I really am. Yeah, I guess it got off of mother nature. I am okay. How was it a big goal? I mean, how many ounces are we talking? It's a great question.

I'm a big intake of water and tea person. So it was like a big 40 ounce. And how? No, I was gonna ask how full. Let's go ahead and ask. I'll ask on your behalf. I mean, it was because I would never ask that. No, it was, I mean, it was not half empty. I mean, it was over half full. For sure. And so let me just, let's go through. So you're, so did you wipe? Did you? Yeah, I had baby, I always have baby wipes in my console. Okay, so you're on the shoulder or the highway? Yes.

And did you crawl to the back seat? Did you stay in the front seat? I just stayed right there in the driver's seat. I just let it run. Question, did you get up on your knees and turn around and face the back of the car? No. Like I'm trying to think how you position. I think I'd have to get on my knees and you know, that would have been smarter.

That was smart. No, I just kind of lifted up on and lifted, I stood on my arm kind of with one hand, one arm lifted up and then I lifted and one cap, but I did not get one spot anywhere but the cap. That you know of. No, I went home and did the whole cleanup because I'd been driving with the cap

a shit in my car for 20 minutes. So I have to do a complete detail. So did you roll the windows? Yeah, I put the lid back on it. Lid on, windows down. Yes. 20 miles or 20 minutes. Yeah, it was bad.

I mean, it was bad. I think the moral of this story is the power of Styrofoam. Yeah, I wouldn't have that today. I'd be about to death today. Let me ask you this. As you're in this position, are your hazards on in the shoulder? Are you just, I think I was,

it was so emergent that I don't think I had the hazards on. And then as cars are coming by or you worried about anything? No, I'm just like so panicked stricken at that point that I'm just, I have no thought for anyone else on the planet earth.

So she calls me after this happens. And I'm like, hello, and she's like, you're not gonna leave it, I just did. And I'm like, what? And she's like, I just pulled over on the shoulder of a highway and took a shit and a styrofoam cut. And I'm like, actually, I believe it. And I'm not surprised because you've ambushed my tool at multiple times. With similar two things to bring up. But one, I want to talk about your fiber intake. And two, I want to make sure you have my number because I'd like to be on that call. Hopefully it won't happen next time. That's the whole thing. It's going to happen. Our very first meeting, how we became friends over 20 years ago, she hired me to be her decorator.

And in our first meeting, she's like, we have to go look at tile and whatnot. She's like, I'll just drive, I'll pick you up. We're 10 minutes into the meeting. We're heading to a tile store. And all of a sudden, she just starts like clenching the steering wheel and she's kind of popping up out of her seat like this. And she's driving her car and she goes, Oh, good, there's a firestone like the tire shop. And I go, why are we going to firestone? She's like, I've got to go in and take a shit. And she just wheels in. Oh my god. That's how we

have to call it from now on when you go to her that's really going to come out. It's a firestone. And I was about eight minutes pregnant. Yeah. I mean, it was big. Yeah. She goes in and then she comes out like four minutes later. I was impressed with the efficiency and just the lack of embarrassment. Just it was just so it was stated as a matter of fact, like, I need to pull over and get gas. And she just, yeah, that's what I knew that we were so mad. I love. Yes.

Yeah. I appreciate that so much. All my friends and I talk like that. You know, you know, you know, you know, when you're real people, you keep it real, you know what I mean? And we all talk like that. And I'm proud of you that you can just kick it at a firestone in that boat because I know a lot of people who would eat with just in an insane amount of pain, hold it. Yeah, we're home. And I don't like that. I don't I don't approve. Sometimes I just don't have a choice. It's either running down the aisle

of an international flight, crappin' my pants down the aisle, or just go into a firestone or find a cap. Yeah, I don't think those little cups on the plane would have been enough. What do you think that flyer? I've been Googling, I know this is really fucked up of me, but I've been Googling to find out like who the person is,

and I don't want them to be ashamed, because I feel badly for them, that would be horrible. But I would if I were in that position, I would have gotten to the bathroom and I just would have locked myself in. Yeah, the whole flight. And said, I'm not leaving the bathroom. Oh, yeah. And this is why I think we would all get along is because I think if I ran all the networks,

all the television networks, generally like the biggest news story in the all competing for the interview, sit down with Diane Sawyer. Yes. Right? This would be the interview I'd be competing to get. Yes. I want this, I want you to get it. I would watch this.

Yes. Yes. This is the interview I want. This is the news our country needs. Thank you. Can you imagine if it was a very, like, imagine if you and you two and I were competing to get the interview. Yes.

With the Delta shitter. And we just like, you know, whatever we could do. Yes. The terms we would interview. Yes, with the Delta shitter. And we just like, you know, whatever we could do, the terms we would negotiate. Yes. You guys would probably win. And then you sit down and you have,

what would be the first question you would ask the Delta shitter? I think I would say, were you sick? I mean, what is happening that this, was it food poisoning? Was it some kind of bacterial infection? Were you, I would, I would start off with, what were food poisoning? Was it some kind of bacterial infection where you? I would start off with, what were you wearing? Beautiful.

Beautiful. Beautiful question. I need a description of what this person was wearing because you've seen the evidence online, the images that you saw. I'm concerned in somewhat confused that underwear and undergarments didn't mitigate the large puddles that you see.

So, what they did. Yeah. That's, see, and then that's what we need to know. And then, obviously, your clothes are ruined. And then, I would just say, let's just start from the top and walk me through what you were wearing when it happened, why there's a delay. And then, once you get back there, did you have a set of clothes to change into? Did you have to re-emerge?

How did the fellow passengers look at you? How did you look back at them? Flight attendants can be really sassy and bossy and I kind of envy that because it's one profession you have where you can kind of tell the customer, straighten up. And so was the flight attendant nice? You know, who cleaned it?

Apparently they used this vanilla disinfectant. And then the whole plane just smelled like vanilla shit. I would argue they need to get rid of that vanilla disinfectant. Let's go mint citrus would be nothing. Yes, butter. Just a bleach. I would also, I would want to know a simple question right from the get go, what'd you eat?

Because that that's going to dictate the the top notes. That's right. That's exactly right. In terms of the, you know, just what we're smelling. And then also as you were running up the aisle and it was squirting out of your clothes and you could see everyone looking at you like what were you thinking and or saying? Because I, if it were me, and I was doing it, I'd be running up to you down the aisle, and I'd be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, can you let me go? What do you say when you're squirting?

I don't know. I think you're right. I mean, what are you thinking? What are you saying? The only person I know that could get us close to answering this is pumps. Pulled over on the side of the highway and raw-dogged it into a giant Styrofoam cup and then drove for 20 miles with it. So you're the closest psychological case that we could tap into. If this happened to you, pumps, what would you do? I would run so fast your head would spin off. I mean, I really, I know it's bad karma

to say it couldn't happen to me, but I really feel like when I felt like it was happening, I would have camped out by the bathroom. What if it slipped out, walk, walk us through, it slips out, and then you, it's all over your clothes and you're back in this, you know, one whole bathroom. I just sit in the bathroom. I just came out in the bathroom. I just do not leave the bathroom for the rest of the flight. No, but on the flights, there's rules. You know, if you're taking off and you have a grumbled tummy, there you cannot run to the restroom, you know, until they you're allowed to. And so you have a little sympathy. It's not like this person was in a restaurant and they couldn't get to a bathroom in time. There are rules, regulations, there are air marshals.

Can you imagine the air marshals stops you? And you're like, I'll just go shit on you. Yeah, because if you're flying down the back of a, to the back of the aircraft, the air marshals gonna notice you for sure. Right. Yeah, I don't know. It's just a bad deal.

I just felt, I kept thinking like, what is that poor person thinking as the plane is turning around because of them? I mean, you've got to know that they just felt terrible about it. Speaking of restaurants and shits, I have a great story for you guys. So Arfran Brian owns a bunch of like taco restaurants in Oklahoma City and some other types of restaurants.

So he sent me, and this is several years ago, some alarming footage because they have cameras inside. Some alarming footage of one of his workers who's closing down and he's sweeping the aisle. And all of a sudden, he hits something with his broom and then you see him on the video, pick up the broom, smell, and then kind of jolt back and it's like a little brown something on this tile floor and he realizes that it is a turd, a turd. It's a piece of shit in line at the taco store. So they go back because there's videos there. So they go back and watch to figure out who dropped this bomb in the

taco line. So they go back. There's this woman. And she walks through and you see her enter the camera screen and she walks and she has a long flowing skirt. And you see her walk through and the floor is completely clean and that she passes through and then she passes. There it is. She did not miss a beat. She walked through effortlessly. If you weren't looking at the floor, it just looks like really a graceful. Yeah, it's like when Cinderella lost her slipper, this is shitterrella.

That's right. I was so, I had to watch the footage. I have it somewhere on my phone. I'll show you. I had to watch it over and over because I'm like, she just, I mean, she just did it with reckless abandon. She didn't care, there was no rush, there was no worry,

there was no squeezing, there was no awkward jolting. She just walked and shat like nobody's business. It was really quite impressive if not so disgusting. Yeah, that's interesting. I mean, that is the opposite case here because this was, the plane was, you know, crazy diarrhea. And this person is eating in a fiber, because that's a clean sleeper getting it on this. It was, it was a solid, it was a solid log. I'm impressed. I must be on metamusel.

Pops, I think it's time for you to just go ahead and take another victory lap because of all of these world class bell movements you've been having ever since you've started taking just thrive probiotics. Poops on a regular basis have never felt so good. I finally feel like a normal person and I don't have near as much bloating as I used to. I know you call me to brag about it all the time and I don't find this annoying because I am so happy for you but also I don't find it annoying because I myself am taking the

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Marimo code had it. Pops being a woman comes with all of these magnificent bells and whistles. First we start off with PMS, these erratic mood swings come on like that and then we go through periominapause and women as old and wise as you were in full blown menopause. And it's so hard to figure out how to navigate, how on earth is women, do we level these hormones? Thanks to our friends, at Happy Mammoth, we now have the product, hormone harmony. I love this product.

It has been a game changer for me in terms of night sweats, moods, hot flashes, and I have lots more energy. This product is for every woman and a bottle is sold every 24 seconds. They have over 1.2 million purchases worldwide. Listener, you can get your first bottle of hormone harmony for 15% off if you use the code had it on the checkout page. Go to happy mammoth.com and in our promo code had it on the checkout page. Valid until November 30th. Pumps. I value hygiene. I value proper hygiene. I think it's very important to keep

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Shopify.com slash had it. Okay, Ross, I have something I'm just dying to ask you because we get so much hate comment all the time. You're universally beloved. Like Every show you're on, you're the favorite, every person that me and she says you're so great. Do you get hate comments and trolls? I do. Yeah, they don't really bug. I've been doing this now. I remember I started on the Tenaitro Jaleno back in 2001. It's been like a long time and I don't know. It just like, it doesn't truly, it really doesn't affect me.

There were times when I want to write something back and I kind of used to and my point was like, so they knew I was human. You know what I remember when it first happened, I asked them for their phone number and I called them and worked it out. I didn't do it just a true story. And so then like my husband said to me,

he said, what are you doing? Like when you respond to them, like, my husband said to me, he said, what are you doing? Like, when you respond to them, like you're giving them your light, or your platform, or your attention, and just raises their whatever up to you, which not that I'm on a different level, but it's like, it brings too much attention to it. So I just completely ignore it.

And, you know, there have been times when it gets to, does it get to you all? Oh, God, no. No, we think it's funny. We do dramatic readings of them and do. You do? I think yes. Oh good, that's good.

See, that's what you kind of have to do is you have to laugh about it. You can't get wrapped up, I think, and your self-worth. Your self-worth has to be your friends, your family, or that's right. What a pageant answer, right? I feel like I'm running for Miss, you know, I really, I really mean it because it is a weird thing. I mean, I guess people who are not it because it is a weird thing. I mean, I guess people who are not famous get it now a little bit

because you post a picture of you with you and your kid and your aunt Helen may be like, why are they not in a seat belt or something? Everybody's been opinion about something no matter what you post now. So you kind of get it, but it is, it is sometimes weird not to take a personally. Yeah, yeah. It's personally. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. We don't. I think we're at the age where I mean, we've had real problems like real life,

major problems. And so if the biggest problem I have that day is that we, you know, people are like, you ladies are old and you get too much Botox. I'm like, true on both counts. Thank you for noticing. I'm like, tree one both counts. Thank you for noticing. Oh my god. Okay, Ross, we want to play a game with you called Had it or Hit it. And so you tell us, I'm going to list something. If you like it, you'll hit it. And if you don't, you will have had it.

Oh my god. Welcome to Had it or Hit it. I would hit it. Had it. I hit it every day sometimes twice a day. Okay. Had it or hit it. Slow sometimes twice a day. Okay. Had it or hit it, slow walkers. Oh, no, I had it.

And I'm a fast walker. My friends joke that they have to jog next to me because I just, I don't delete and I refuse to dally. I have to be on time always early. And in New York, I mean, you have to like dodge and like there are lots of tourists here, you know, so I, I let you take your time, but I will go around you and I'll beat that loop, but you know, I'm like on the freeway, I drive very sensibly, but on the road walking on the sidewalk,

I'm a zigzagger. Yeah, yeah. I'm a fast walker. I'm too. Okay. Had it or hit it, pineapple on pizza. Oh, yeah, no, I'll hit it. And I know that's controversial, but I like to take it off and eat it before I eat the pizza. And then when I eat the pizza, there's just an essence of pineapple on it. I agree, I do the same thing.

I like it. Thank you. I don't order it, but if it's served, I eat it with pleasure and I'm not outraged by it. Yeah, same. I would never order it. Only a crazy person would do that. But it's a fake person would do that.

And of course. Okay, had it or hit it, body hair. I think I had it. I think, and I'm just because if you really want to go there, like, we did exist. Yeah, if it exists, gray fine, but it's about a mouth thing. Like, you know, like I floss this morning, I don't need to again, you know. Okay.

Had it or hit it, urinals. Oh no. Hit it. You don't understand unless, well, I don't know that you do, but there is something very powerful about using a urinal as a man. And there's some restaurants that do this thing, where they put ice in the bottom of the urinal. I don't know why. But it is so empowering when you stand there and pee on ice, like

milk in front of you. And you have to, you have to try it. You haven't lived. And you just are like, yes, no, what I'm doing. Melting eyes. I didn't know about this. I didn't either. Yeah, I didn't know about this to do. I didn't either. Yeah, I don't know why they do it. I don't know what the benefit is, but it's very enjoyable.

I taught both my boys to pee in the toilet with churias in the toilet. Like hit that. Hit the churias. So I think having a goal, like going and melt my eyes, I think I could get behind that. Yeah. Yeah. And men, men like a goal and men like accomplishment. And they're very, we're very

simple. It's like, I need to see that what I'm doing is working. And when they put ice and they aren't, you're like, I'm paying there and look, it's melting and I did me. Yes. There's, it's very, it's just how we work, I think. I have urinal envy because I think it's fantastic that you can go into a restroom. P, you don't really have to touch anything. And then you can go wash your hands and then just exit. The women's restroom, I mean, it's a minefield in there. There's just, there's a lot of people that don't prepare it for the next guest.

And it's just, it's a minefield. So I have urinal envy. Well, yes, but I have bathroom envy with women, people that I know, my girlfriend's going there and be like, oh, I met the nicest lady in the stall next to me and I'm like, embarrassing. We don't converse. Yeah, I've never converse to install.

Well, I think there was a pass under a tampon or something in the near, then there was a conversation. And you know, we just don't, no, there's a bond like I was recently in it in a restroom. And I was like, there's no toilet paper in here. Is there any of free inches? I got you girl and she passed it under.

Yeah, we washed our hands next to each other. And it was, yeah, it was total camaraderie. Pumps don't you have a couple had it or hit its for us? I know you recently just got me right. So I was wondering how did her hit it, bridesilas. Oh, well, luckily we had no brides or bridesilas in my wedding. But listen, I, I, I may have had it with groomed zillas, bridesilas, I think you should be particular and if you really want

something for your day, great, but like if your person shows up and you get, and your family shows up and the people that are important to show everything else that happens that's imperfect quote unquote, you know, it like is not important. So like focus on what's really important, I think on your wedding day, which is the love and the family and the people. Again, please vote for me for Miss New York. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha myself. I mean it, but I'm annoyed. Totally. It's like polyanna. Sorry. I think that's sweet. It's very sweet. Had it or hit it, pageants for little bitty kids? No, I've had that. I think there

should be talent like competitions, you know, because I, but I don't like beauty pageants, especially for children. Grown adults can do that if they want to. God bless. But I will tell you this, like preparing for like theater as a kid or debate as a kid, like preparing for things, being scared, doing it, and then getting that instrument reward was the number one teacher in my life in terms of work ethic and everything. So I think like, you know, competition is good for kids, but beauty competition for kids is no, no bueno. I totally agree, but I'll tell you one of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't put my dogs and pageants. I have these great looking French bulldogs. I mean, this one

particular, my son, Tubby, he would have, he would have totally won Westminster. There's no doubt about it. He has a dynamite smile. He can trot. He sits. He cocks his head perfectly. And it's just a regret. When I see the Westminster dog pageant, I think, what a missed opportunity that I didn't put Toby and Chacha in that contest.

He doesn't have the temperament. Oh, he absolutely does. He's a dick. He just doesn't like you. He doesn't like anyone. That's but you. Okay. We digress. Sorry. He would a dick. He just doesn't like you. He doesn't like anyone. That's but you. Okay, we digress, sorry. Hey, what a one.

Hey, what a one. Well, you're a damn full nut to put him in, but there should be like an older dog competition. You know what I mean? You're second to the silver dogs. Something like that. Where is like, I think it could be cute.

I'd watch that. Old dogs compete. Yeah, I think we should have more dog pageants because I really want to be like a crazy dog pageant mom. Like I really sometimes when you see people being crazy about stuff, I'm like, cut their fucking crazy. But then a part of me I think,

wouldn't it be fun to be that unhinged about something to not have to have your shit together all the time and just lose it over something? And I think that would be so fun to just be a complete dog mom night. Just go all in. I love what you say that because I watch people like protesting things or you know, being very passionate about things. You see people getting so mad on TikTok and things. And I think, well, good for them. At least they care about something. There's not one damn thing that would get me about something. There's not one damn thing that would get me out and like angry and like, you know what I mean? Like, it's nothing. Not a single thing.

I would make me passionate enough to do that. Oh, I love that. For me, it would be dog competition. I could really, for pumps, it's just she needs to take a shit on the highway. Yeah, I mean, we all have something, I guess. Mine is black toilets. I mean, I've been very brave leading the fight. Yes, totally. Totally. Well, Ross, Matthews, we cannot thank you enough for joining us. Do you feel better? Yeah, I do. I really, because I've been wanting to do this for so long, you know, and I was really excited when you asked me and I just, I think you both are so great and I, it was even better than I thought, I mean, how was it for you? How do you feel?

I love you. I get to turn and talk to you all day. You're hilarious. And I love it. You can just tell you're a sweet, sweet person. Yeah, same. Same. Can we do it again?

Absolutely. We should absolutely do it again. Great. I'll be your bestie whenever you need me, okay? Okay, perfect. Thank you Ross. Thank you Ross. Bye guys. He was amazing.

He's hilarious. I love him. I could sit on his lap and just stroke his face. I love him. He's hilarious because he's just talking to me. Throws in. They just hysterical one liners. And then he just continues talking.

And you and I are over here losing it. I mean, I couldn't even breathe. I mean, I thought I was going to have a coughing attack. No, he is so much fun. Love, love, love. And I'm so envious of being a judge on RuPaul. I know. Wouldn't that be so much fun?

How do we make that happen? I don't think we can. Yeah. They wouldn't ever want us. No, especially me, because I don't do fashion. But I do love a drug queen. I know, I just think we could be great judges. I would love that.

God, he's so good looking too, I thought. Very good looking. Great hair. And as the kids say, he was an absolute snack. I've never heard that. You've never heard that? No. So if they think somebody's cute, they're like,

oh, she's a snack. She didn't know Kylie. Have you heard, you're a snack? You're the whole day of meal. Oh yeah. Now I have heard that. Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't know snack was like a good thing. Snack means your hot. Yeah. Well, that tells you I've never been called snack. Oh, I think you have. I'm pretty sure you have. This is those second dragons. I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure you have. This is those second dragons, I'm telling you, you sell yourself short pumps. That'd be two snacks. Yeah, it is.

It's a motorboat and snack. All right, listeners, join us on Patreon, send us a voice memo to Instagram, the hot shit tour, new cities are being announced each month. So see if we are coming to a city near you and pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday, or Thursday, or boats. We just want to tell you about a quick podcast study. As you know by now, we all do our very best to align the right sponsors to the podcast.

It's a lot of work behind the scenes and we're incredibly grateful for your support. We're currently running a quick survey at podcaststudy.net and we're giving the first 150 people a $10 digital Amazon gift card as an incentive to complete the survey. The information we hear from you about our sponsors is incredibly important to the show and we can't thank you enough for taking a few minutes to help us out. Upon completion of the survey, you'll be asked to include your email address, and we will send the first 150 people a $10 gift card from Amazon. Go to podcaststudy.net. That's podcaststudy.net, and thank you again for helping our show and our sponsors.

and thank you again for helping our show and our sponsors.