I've Had It - I Don’t Have Time to Pee with Hannah Berner

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps have a very special guest in-studio today - comedian and podcast host, Hannah Berner. The three destroy the oversized beverage community, which obviously is a direct attack on the star of the show. Pumps gets real and opens up about her dehydration *journey* and quick shots in the bedroom finally get the praise they deserve. The Hot Sh*t Tour is heading to Atlanta, Philly and D.C in August! more info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: JustThrive: Use promo code HADIT for 20% your first 90 day bottle of Just Thrive probiotic or Just Calm at JustThriveHealth.com Healthy Cell: Visit healthycell.com/hadit today and use promo code: HADIT to get 20% off your first order. SimpliSafe: Listeners get a special 20% off any SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. This huge offer is for a limited time. So visit SimpliSafe.com/HADIT. Shopify: Sign up for a $1 per-month trial period at SHOPIFY.COM/hadit to take your business to the next level today. BetterHelp: Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/hadit today to get 10% off your first month. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Hannah Berner @HannahBerner  

So we supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. Oh, oh, it was so bad. That was terrible. One, two, three. There you go. Good recovery, good recovery. Just had to do it again.

Oh no, oh no. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Jenny, what I've had it with, and this happened to be just yesterday, line cutters. Like they come in, which I can kind of be bad about going in, thinking I can like, skirt the system a little bit. Wait, you line cut? I have done it on occasion, not like grossly, but I have done it. But hold on, that's not my story. Okay, okay. So I'm in there at the meat counter. And this woman just came to the end, there's a person in front of me. And then there's me.

And then there's no one behind me. So this woman comes racing up to the meat counter. And I'm like sitting there because it's taken a while. And I'm thinking, am I going to say something? Am I not going to say something? Am I going to? You know, I'm kind of going back and forth. And then the guy that owns the butcher shop, he like chunked her ass right back in line. So she got behind me. But I think she was really going to cut. So just the overall general cutter in line, I don't love. Even though on occasion, I do do it. Let's dive into these occasions in what you would cut. Tell me what kind of line this is

and when you've executed this. And I wanna know the psychology behind it as well. Okay, so like if I'm not Walmart and there's a big line, this is when they had sacers, like when they had people that did your groceries, like a checker. Okay. So if there was a huge line, I'd insist on seeing the manager,

and I'd bring the manager over, and then they always want to shut up the bitchy lady with the groceries so they open up your own lane. So then I would cut because he would open up, they always opened up a lane for me. So that was cutting, technically. This is disturbing on several friends. Why?

Number one Walmart. I'm not a big Walmart fan at all. And then you're asking to see the manager. Oh yeah. If there's like 10 people in front of me in line in Walmart, I will make the biggest scene on the planet to get out of there quicker because they always out that the manager just ends up taking you and doing your grocery. What about if you're standing in line another another day I'm standing in line. And I think there is just a general space that we all know. It's like the Goldilocks distance.

So you don't stand too close to the person in front of you, but you also don't stand too far. Right. And so I've had it with people that either stand too close to me or if the person in front of me leaves like an eight foot lapse, I'm like, you got to close the gap. Close the gap. We got to get up. They're moving. There's a goldy lock spacing that people need to honor when you're standing in line. And the snims you'll have somebody who's just right up. I mean, just right up in your crawl. I mean, you can feel their breath on your back. Yes. Yes.

Other day, the other day, I was checking in to get my pickleball court. And this motherfucker is about two inches away from me. And what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to be efficient in my time. I'm trying to check in, figure out what court I'm in while also stretching out my hamstrings. Right. So I'm trying to check in, figure out what cord I'm in, while also stretching out my hamstrings. So I'm trying to stretch, and this guy's totally crowding my space. And I just finally turned around and looked at him. And he looks back at me like, what's your problem? And I was like, can you step back just a few inches here? I'm trying to stretch out a little bit. Maybe he was like, grab your ass.

I mean, I think post me too, move, but you can't just run around grabbing ass at pickleball courts, Poms. Maybe they know that you are the queen of the pickleball court. Therefore, he just wanted to touch greatness before he started it. Maybe he was trying to get that stellar athleticism vibe.

Right, he was trying to get close enough that you could like emit your pickleball prowess. Well, let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. And I mean, I have fucking had it with this. And I'm going to give you two instances. I have had it with parents that speak super loud to their children in public. And after having spoken super loud to their children, look around at their audience smiling.

And let me give you an example. I'm at the manicure pedicure place. Okay. Woman brings in about a five or six year old little girl. And there's a little like a little mini chair. Right. Okay. For her. So she starts screaming at the top of her legs, Mackenzie, do you want all the works? Do you want that pink with that glitter? And then there's

a pause and she looks around at everybody in the nail spa smiling like we're all going to say, what a fucking great mom you are. Because what I'm thinking is, lady, we're trying to teach this entire population how to use their inside voices. And here you are speaking as though you have a megaphone, but bizarrely, you don't, but that's how fucking loud you are. And then there's always this staring like, look at how great of a parent I am because I am praising my child and telling everybody and showing everybody how loving I am to my child.

Here's another instance. Josh and I were in Norman and we went and said on this patio, Norman Oklahoma listener and we went, said on this patio in between our son's basketball games. And everything's perfect. I mean, it's like a beautiful day.

The weather's like 75. It's sunny. There's a few other tables. You can hear some ambient chit chat, but you couldn't make out what anybody's saying because everybody's using their inside voices. And then walks up, little Brooklyn and her mom. And they're seated about four tables down.

And it is, she's screaming at the top of her lungs. So, Brooklyn, you can get the chicken nuggets. You want shinnaggies? Do you want nuggets? Or we can get the grilled cheesy screaming at the top of her lungs and I look at Josh and I'm like why is she fucking yelling and I turned to look and after each question she asks her child she's looking at the audience so that everybody gives feedback that

oh like that we're going to smile back like child's so cute and you're such a good mom. And again, I'm struck by the fact that she hasn't caught on that we're trying to teach an entire age group of people how to use their inside voices. I just can't even imagine that. I mean, that is so terrible. It makes me feel sorry for Mackenzie and Brooklyn. Mackenzie and Brooklyn are so fucked.

I mean, all of them. Unbelievable. And then here's the here's my understanding afterwards is what bothers me the most. And here and here's a fundamental problem I have to the shit that you want to hear. You don't hear. So yesterday, Josh and I were playing tennis. And there's this mom, she pulls her kid over and she says, it real under breath. You do that one more time.

And I'm going to bust your ass. And so it's up to you how this is going to go down. That's the shit I want to hear. Those moments where you're about to fucking lose it, that's the relatable shit. Right. Because I think number one, you're teaching your child to be loud, you're teaching her how to show boat, you're teaching her how to grandstand. And for all I know, this child

could hate your guts because you yourself don't know how to use your inside voice. The child could be offended as well. The child Brooklyn and McKinsey, I mean, they could be complete hostages to this situation. But the mom is the food source, right? So they're fucked. They have to stay with her. I haven't have to start looking for that, because that is just wild. It's ubiquitous. It is ubiquitous. I mean, you see a little mom group,

and then you're gonna see, and then they really start doing it for each other now that you're doing it. What I wanna hear again, I wanna hear about good grass over here, you know where they're fucker, I'm gonna beat you around. They're just pride in their team. That's the shit I wanna eat.

Right, say that loudly. That's the relatable part. You know, because if you've had kids, there's times where you're just like, you do it one more time and I'm gonna ruin your life. Make threats you know it one more time. And I'm going to ruin your life. Make sure that you know you'll never keep. Well, welcome to I've had it podcast, a podcast for adults and not kids, because what do we think kids are, pups, vipers, assholes?

That's a toddler. Well, in kids too. Okay, try it again. Sorry. Okay, welcome to I've had it podcast a podcast where we believe kids are as Hulse. There we go. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. We call her pumps. She is just I mean, fucking star quality beyond. Hot shit. Princess Diana podcasting. I mean, she just stars emanating like nobody's business. It is not a falling star, it is a rising star.

You're obnoxious. 100%. That's just not even arguable. Um, Kylie, what's going on in the world of social media? I actually want to read you a one star review and miserable. J.M.W.1969 wrote, these two are absolute miserable cows. I mean, where's the lie? Where is the lie? I mean, I do think, I mean, I do think we deserve at least two stars. I mean, one seemed a little extreme.

Right. You think he didn't like us at all? J.M. W. 1969. I mean, I believe, I mean, miserable, concede, cows concede. Try it up. Spot on, fucking nailed it. I take issue with the one star. We would at least get a two star for Richard and Kyla's work.

Totally, I mean, two to three stars. I mean, it's mediocre at best. I don't think it's just total dog shit. But I think a two or three would be a little bit more appropriate. That's a little chaos. Pumps, you know what I've had it with? What?

Pill vitamins. The worst. I mean, having to take all these horse pills like 10 different kinds to get all the nutrients that you want, I am so over it. But thankfully, I have discovered healthy cell. It is a gel. and I've been using healthy cells' joint in mobility gel. Tastes fantastic. I'm an athlete, so it totally helps

my joints, you know, with all of the pickleball athleticism that I display. And healthy cells' proprietary gel delivers maximum nutrient absorption, 165% more than tablets. Wow, I know, I'm telling you, the stuff is fantastic. Go to healthycell.com slash had it and use promo code had it to get 20% off your first order. That's healthycell.com slash had it to get 20% off your first order with promo code had it. Pumps, I worry about you out in the suburbs,

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This huge offer is for a limited time, so visit simplysafe.com slash had it. That simply safe.com slash had it. There's no safe like simply safe. Well, listen up, listener. We have a big day here in O.K.C. We have an in studio guest. She is visiting Oklahoma City on her tour. She's a stand up comedian

and the host of the hit podcast, Giggly Squad in Burnin' Inhale. Let's welcome to I've Had it podcast, Hannah Burner. Okay, Hannah Burner, welcome to Oklahoma City. Thank you for having me. What a gorgeous place we're in. I wasn't, I was expecting it actually. Okay. I was because you two have taste, humor. Not too. I'm the worst. I'm the worst. So she takes all the credit on that. You're so fucking food. Am I allowed to curse? Oh my god. It's in required.

Okay. Good. You guys are so fucking funny. And you really remind me of me and my best friend. Because we're kind of opposites. And we just love making fun of each other. I think that's how you keep a friendship going. Right. Just calling each other out and honesty is the most beautiful policy. If you if you can't troll your best friend, who can you troll? If my friend is like complimenting me, she's probably mad at me. Right. I'm getting nervous. I'm like, she walked in the street. She's like, oh, you look so pretty in your dress. And I'm thinking, okay, what? She's going to drop later. Are we in a fight? Did I piss her off?, if Paige complements me, I get very uncomfortable. We make eye contact for too long. I'm like, don't look at me.

But yeah, you guys have great energy. I'm so honored to be on. We are so happy to have you. Okay, so Hannah, I mean, just write out the gates. What have you had it with? Oh my God. Well, I was like even taking notes earlier. I'm, it's funny we brought up hemp water because you guys drink hemp water

and I love it, it has a nice little essence of peach or whatever flavor. Yes, hemp water, you need to send us more money for that. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, that's sponsored. I am like, I am like a child where I don't like water. Just plant water.

I think water is boring. I think it gives us nothing. I think it's plain. And all my problems stem from the fact that I refuse to drink water. Yeah. But then when I was younger, my mom would tell my babies that don't give her straight up apple juice,

because she'll be off the wall. You need to dilute it with some water. So I like putting water in things. I put it in soda, I put it in juice, and people get mad at me for that. And I'm just so annoyed with people controlling the water that I consume and how I want to consume it. Be judged for your water.

Yes, and then you're supposed to have like an emotional support water bottle nowadays. Have you heard of this? Oh, I think I'm abundantly aware of this. And it is something that I have gone to war against. That I fundamentally oppose. Thank you. That bothers me to the core of my being that somebody cannot go one fucking hour without slurping out of a god damn oversized cup. I've had it. Are we pilgrims? Why are we walking around with these buckets of water? It's unbelievable. It's 2023. It's just completely uncivilized.

And then if you don't have your water bottle, they're like, oh, I'm just busy like being healthy and drinking my water bottle. I'm like yours has vodka in it, shut up. Exactly. That's the you cannot be drinking that much water. Exactly, Brenda. You're black out at 1 a.m. Exactly. I know why they're never, I mean,

they are clear for multiple reasons, but yet it's people's whole personalities now having their emotional support water bottles. Yeah, yeah. Pams, how do you feel about that? Well, I do carry my Stanley everywhere. I do carry my Stanley everywhere. Tell her what you put in it.

I put T in it with Stevia. I love that question. Who do you love more, Stanley or your husband? I don't have a husband, so Stanley, for sure. LAUGHTER Even if I was still married to my ex-husband, it would still be Stanley. Stanley is my husband.

Yes. I just snuggle up with Stanley at my, that's all I need to do. I'm gonna call you like, how are y'all Stanley doing? Yeah, Stanley okay. We went to New York last month, and I already like prepped pumps. I'm like, you can't just walk,

we're gonna be in subways. We're gonna be schlepping on the road. I hit New York and I hit it big. You can't just have this cup that we have to babysit and manage and bring with us. Like that is not conducive to the New York lifestyle. She's like, okay, I want to make it a big deal. So she ultimately opts not to bring the cup so that I won't quote unquote her words. Not mine.

I didn't bring it so you won't browbeat me. So she didn't bring it. And then there was a huge relapse 48 hours. Wanda at a target somewhere on the lower east side, right? We go into the target. A lot of relapses in target. She's like a fucking heat seeking missile. She goes to the beverage area. And she finds the biggest container of refrigerated iced tea,

sweet iced tea that you could imagine. I'm talking at 75 ounces or something. That was big. Ridiculous. I mean, it's like a gallon of milk masquerading as iced tea, right? How do you even carry it? You need to do like a whole Pilates class. So then she has it on the subway and everywhere we go

So then we go and we meet our agents on the subway. We go to ABC kitchen right a respectable restaurant. Yes after this She gets this fucking tea and puts it on the table. It's so thirsty I'm so thirsty though Do you think the sweet tea is making you more thirsty? Yes. And I just had blood work done by my doctor and she said I was like borderline dehydrated of all the tea. So I'm really trying.

Sweet tea, because I wish they had more sweet tea. It's so good in New York City. We don't. When I come down here, I'll get sweet tea. That is crack cocaine heroin. I could bash my head through a wall and not feel a thing. Yes. So I ordered one sweet tea last night and I was off the wall. So I was like, I love tea, so I was like, can I have one but not sweet. They looked at me. Like you're horrible.

Yeah, like I grabbed seven heads. Right. And they were looking around like, is anyone gonna say anything? And I was like, I'll put a little splenda in it. I just can't do the whole, like, is anyone gonna say anything? And I was like, I'll put a little splendent in it. I just can't do the whole entire box of sugar in it. And they were offended. Right, they were acting weird to me the whole rest of the night. They were like, are you enjoying your tea? You loser.

No, listen, if you don't order the sweet tea, and if you just order tea, they bring it as sweet tea. Right. You would never do that in New York. You have to say, I want sugar. Do they even make sweet tea in New York? They'll be like Chick-fil-A. Right. You would never do that in New York. You have to say I want sugar. Do they even make sweet tea in New York? They'll be like Chick-fil-A. Right, that's it.

Which is hate chicken. Is everybody knows? It's hate chicken. Hate chicken and hate tea. You know what it's like? The Lord's chicken. All right, you know, my mother. My mother is like hardcore progressive,

very, very, very, very liberal. I'm very liberal as well, but my mother has like hills that she will die on. And so one day my kids, like when they're really little and I'm gonna go to her house and I go through Chick-fil-A and I get like chicken nuggets because it's easy, the chicken's good. Go to her house, go and put the Chick-fil-A on the table and my mother gets, Jennifer, I cannot believe you brought that hate chicken into my house. What's she always liberal? Always.

Wow. Always liberal. And I was like, Mom, it's just good. She says, well, you know, Jennifer, they are horrible to the gaze. And I'm like, I know, I know. With as many gay friends as you have, I can surprise you could even eat that.

And she goes, oh, oh, oh, oh. See, I'll get hungry and show up on a Sunday to Chick-fil-A and it's closed. I'm like, are you guys fucking kidding me? I'm trying to give you my money to support chick-hate chicken. And I can't even do that. Like, what the fuck? So that is so, so funny about your mom.

And she's from Oklahoma City. She's from Dallas, Texas originally. She lives in Oklahoma City now, but yeah, no, I had a really, so obviously you're in the buckle of the Bible belt, but I mean, I was raised by completely non-religious liberal people. Wow. Like, I mean, one of our favorite things to do

is I call pumps every morning and I go to at real Donald Trump on Truth Social and I do dramatic readings of his cap locks pose and pumps belly laughs like you would not be so cute. It is, we do this at 6 a.m. She dies laughing. Well, here's the deal. I didn't know until the last year of his presidency

that he wasn't an alcoholic. I just kept assuming that he was drunk texting all this stuff. I think he's on sweet tea. Okay, he's on Diet Coke. And Diet Coke people are not okay. No, they're not. They're not. Diet Coke people are not.

Everything kind of falls back to this constantly consuming a beverage community. There's a lot of fucked up shit going on with that community. And they come at the people who are like eating a lot, but it's like drinking a lot, drinking all that sugar. That'll work. Fake sugar is just about like pops, drinks 250 ounces of iced tea a day. You think should be the most hydrated mother fucker in North America. Just got our blood work back dehydrated. So this is big iced tea and a marketing pyramid scheme.

I think it's like chapstick. I think Carmex makes your, yes. And that's what I think iced tea is for you. Yeah, it's a racket. I'm trying really hard. But people are addicted to die coke. And no one talks about it because the word diets in it.

People put random words on things all the time and they're saying it's good. Right, right. So yeah, looking out, my husband is one of those who was addicted to Diet Coke, and recently he's like, I'm gonna stop drinking it, and I'm like, how long have I been saying maybe? You might lose so sugars or calories,

but then what the fuck is in that shit? Because there's things that are bad for you without sugar sugar calories. Meth? Yeah. Exactly. Cocaine. Cocaine, heroin.

All exactly. And who knows what they, you know, a little bit of it. So anyway, I just don't drink anything. I'm dehydrated. I don't put anything in my body. I'll go this whole time. Because you know what? I don't have time to pee all day.

I am bad at it. That is not working, woman. Let me try you, what it is. Traveling with pop. I am. That is not working woman. Let me try you. Traveling with pop. I really feel like for as much as I drink, I'm not. Maybe I go once an hour. That is a lot. Fucking insane.

But what about a plane? Are you up and down the whole time? Yes. Before you get on the plane while you're on the plane, immediately upon getting off the plane. And then you get worried once the next time it starts getting in your head. When is she going to do it? Is it now? Is it later? It's a mental mind fuck. It's like the minute they put the fashion,

fast and seat belt sign like we're landing. That's immediately when I have to pee always. But I do think women have this powerful thing where we can pee at any time if our friends need us to. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Sure. Give you like, how can you please pee with me? I will find that pee. absolutely. Sure. If you're like, how can you please be with me, I will find that P. Right. Okay. So you're married. Yes. And so you're how 31? 31. Okay. So we are particularly poms at older than you. And um,

when we were younger in the 80s and 90s, people were always, when you're getting married, when are you having kids? And that was the normal expectation, especially here in the south. And I've noticed a lot of women in your age are delaying marriage, not marrying at all, and definitely delaying kids. And I've heard we have these colors that listeners that send us voice memos. And there's a lot of women in your age are like, I'm, I've had we have these colors that listeners that send us voice memos and there's a lot of women in your age are like, I am, I have had it with people asking me when I'm getting married, when I'm having kids, and I'm 100% in support of these women that we focus so much on when you're going to get married and when you're going to have kids and let's just face it, marriage is

fucking hard. It's hard. If you want to take a crack at it, fucking go for it. But if you want to sit on the sidelines, fucking sit it out. And then kids are even harder. I mean, that shit is the best thing that happened to you while at the same time being the worst thing that happened to you. I'm so happy you brought this up.

And you guys have such great people to talk about it with because there's so many mixed messages when it comes with the kids stuff. And particularly on my algorithm of TikTok, there's two sides. There's the moms that are like, it's the greatest thing ever, but it's the hardest thing ever,

but it's incredible, but it'll ruin your life, but it'll make your life. And I'm like, I'm getting mixed messages. I don't know what I'm saying. All of that's true. And then you have the single women who are like, they are lying to you. They want you to be miserable with them. You don't have to go with that. And we're actually the free ones. And I'm sitting here and I don't have an opinion yet.

Right. As I'm 31, I got married last year at 30. Okay. And I married to an older man, Azadi. He's 47. Good for you. Thank you. I love it. He's so tired. He doesn't honestly have the maturity level. Like that, Josh is six years older than me, but it would have been better for us.

You need another 10 on me. Right. Yeah. No, he's like the first guy I've been with that I really respect his opinions. And it's fun to find, I love the young haka. But then I would never take it seriously. I'd never felt like there was an equal benefit.

I'd be like, look, I've been your project manager, I'm your mom, I'm your sister, I'm everything for you. What have you brought to me? People will straight up tell me, just freeze your eggs. A married girl at 31 to freeze your eggs. That's unheard of in the past. Oh, right. But that's kind of the deal now. And then you can decide one way or the other. Well, my thing is I've been working my whole life to get to this moment in my career. Right. And I'm 31 and I'm finally getting some momentum. Right. And I talk to another comedy friend who's a guy who's 31

who has a similar career. And I asked him, he has a girlfriend, I'm like, do you guys want kids? And he's never even thought about it. I'm like, yeah, because it wouldn't affect you the way it would affect my career. That's exactly. And then some people will say, look at Ali Wong.

She had a baby and it blew up. And then you'll say, but look at Chelsea Handler, Nikki Gleyser, Taylor Thomas, they don't have any kids. I don't really know, and I don't have a lot of role models to show like it'll be okay. Well, I'll tell you, Pumps and I are a lot of things for people, role models we are.

What are you not? So, that's pressure, that's pressure. I honestly, I think I had my first kid when I was 29 or 28 in the second one. So in the South, that's 31. 82. Yeah, and the South, it was late. But honestly, if I think back on it, like if I would have had a baby at 40, I think I

would have been, and I'm a good mom, but I think I would have been even better. But now I've got one child that goes to school at Syracuse in New York and one that will be a junior next year in high school. And Josh and I are still relatively young. And so like we are like big, we love to travel. And so now we're just like, by we're going to Wembleton, we'll see you guys later. And we're out. But my big thing is as someone who I have anxiety and I ideal depression, I'm a comic, like whatever I deal with mental illness, it makes me funny. I think having a kid could give you that moment of like being out of your own problems to worry about something else that like today I'm not going to be in my own head of my own stuff. I'm going to look at

this beautiful kid. It does both. I hate this word. I can't even believe I'm about to say it, but it's a journey. And it is one that I think I just I've noticed a lot of girls who are age, there's a lot of pressure, but one thing I appreciate about your generation is how much pause everybody's having about it. And how open and candid you are about saying, I see this side, I see this side, my career, I love that you're having that conversation because there is, in the South in particular, and then we just watch this documentary about the Dougers, the selfish breeding is out of control.

I mean, these girls are getting married to either hide the fact that they pop their cherry or to pop their cherry, and then they just start popping out. They beast. I thought they were just doing anal. Why did we have that? I think maybe anal got old. It's very conventional.

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All right. Hannah, so I did a deep Google on you. And you and I share something that you're really good at. And I really suck at, which is tennis and listener and pumps. Hannah was a D1 tennis player. That is so cool. Oh my God, my God. That is fucking hard to do. Oh my God. They tie.

This is the hardest sport in the world for real. It is the hardest thing I've ever tried in my life. Ever. My husband. It's so beautiful. It's beautiful. My husband's a lifelong tennis player. Oh my God. He's a really good tennis player. I started about three years ago with tennis and it was so hard and I was such a nut.

I mean, like, staying up at night watching videos on four hands. You're so cute. All this shit. So I had to switch to pickleball. Okay. Because it's easier. Yes. Better learning curve.

More people can play it. But I still go back and play tennis because the exercise is phenomenal. Yes. But my husband and I are major like tennis tourists. I know that I have a tennis channel on all day. I fucking love tennis. It's beautiful. So to be a D1 tennis athlete, it's so hard.

So I went and I found you playing on the internet. Oh my god, I didn't even know. Fucking ripping forehands. Fucking killing it. Yeah, I found it. Last night I did like a total psycho deep dive on you. It was really, really interesting. I, I found it. Last night, I did like a total psycho deep dive on you. It was really really interesting. I'm so flattered. I do think that tennis, when I quit, I really thought that I

was like a failure. And like you lose your whole identity because that's all I wanted to be. And it took me time to slowly realize like, because I was like, why did I do that? Like for so long, if like, I'm not going pro and I'm not I'm now like doing cold call sales like I don't like it here but I realized that all the stuff that made me a good tennis player made me good at what I do now and for anyone who like had sometimes like the dream you think you want is not like what the universe has in store for you right but everyone's always like never quit never quit I literally had to quit to find the right thing for me because deep down actually wasn't that happy. Right.

Well, and the thing about tennis is you played at such an elite level your next choice was, do I go be a pro? And then when you get to the pros to be a top 10 player, that's a whole another level than a D1 tennis player. I do have to say like tennis and stand up are very similar. I'm traveling every weekend. I'm alone by yourself. Yeah. Also, what I love about tennis is you could beat the boys. Like I played on the boys high school

I read a whole thing about this. I love being up the boys. I get I really get off on it because it's not a physical sport. Then to the day if I'm training how I'm training and you're not, I'm going to beat your ass. I think it is, you know, female empowerment at its finest. Oh, I read that so she played She went to a high school in New York and there were no there wasn't a girls tennis team

So she played on the boys team and let everyone was really mad So then and we ended up winning so then when I graduated they granted the school a girls team because of the drama Change and my dad coached that team. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I would hit it. I would hit it every day sometimes twice a day. Had it or hit it, early risers.

Oh, had it. Had it. I'm with this older man. He just perks up at 7 a.m. running around drinking coffee. I'm, I don't fully wake up till about 4 p.m. I can't, this is early for me, this podcast. So, and it's one. Pops and Kylie and I are on a group text for the podcast obviously.

And poor Kylie is a couple years younger than you. And every morning we wake up and do wordle and we send our wordle results. The three of us do mine and Pops comes in between the hours of five a.m. to five twenty a.m. Right. Kylie's trots out around, you know, 7.45 to 8.30. On the weekends, we're not getting her word of results until like 10.30.

But she has, we have made her an early riser because her, her word will now comes in a lot quicker than an East. We're changing lives that I had in. We are. This is the thing though, like people, I will complain to my husband. I'm like, I'm so busy.

I have so much stuff he goes, cause you wake up at noon. You only have four hours of the day. Of course you feel overworked, but I don't love this whole like, you gotta hustle and be up at 5 a.m. to be successful. Do I want to? Yes, but I also love my sleep.

Like if I don't get nine hours, the days are wrap. Oh, we can eat tonight. It was going to bed. We're not in a bed at night. That's my name. I'm doing, I'm doing stand up. So I'm like a bartender. And I'm like, how late are you out doing that?

Well, like even like these shows, I have like a 730 and a 1030. I get home at 12 and you're buzzed. Like I go out of bed. So it takes like two hours for me to actually fall asleep. Right. So yeah, and I also, with tennis, I had to wake up at like 6 a.m.

I have. Yeah. So I have this little rebellious side. Right. I'm not going to because I don't have to. I don't like tennis anymore. Like suck off cocoa. Go. I'm having beef with cocoa. Who I love. We love. Okay. Um, had it or hit it. Coffee art. Had it. I've had it. I've had. Had it. I've had it. I've had it. Yeah, I've had it. I've had it. I think it's like, we don't just give me my fucking drink.

I hate when you go and I'm like, can I have a vanilla latte? And they're like, no, but we do have a habit kiss. I'm like, where's the vanilla? Where's the vanilla? They're like, we have a p milk. I'm like, I don't know what that is. And that's made up. And why is it $24?

Why don't you skip the art and give it to me for two bucks? Right Like if nothing for me also, I feel like it's so beautiful that like I don't want to drink it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm over it I'm over it. I'm tired of seeing it on Instagram. Yeah, I just I can't take it anymore. Yeah, it's like come on top of your Never drink Yeah, it's like come on top of your... I don't know. We'll never drink coffee. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Alright, had it or hit it, Novak, Joke of it. You know what? God, he's so fucking controversial. But I say hit it because I love greatness. And I think for anyone to be at the top of the game and to keep it up, like the second I'd be the one seed, I'd be like, this isn't fun for me. Like I always wanted to be the underdog.

Right. So I just love seeing people create history. So I have to appreciate him. Be a much bigger person than I am. Get back at it. I've had it with Nova. In fact, most recently I'm at hurt because he passed Rafa. I know.

And now he has 23 grand slams tied with Serena. Roger has 20. Uh, Rafa has 22. I'm but hurt over that. Yes. He's going to be the go. Look at that goat conversations over. I'm but hurt over that. I still think Roger's the goat though. Roger is I love Roger. So I know you have to have Renee Stubbs on the podcast. Oh, my new best friend. I want her on and I also want Johnny Mac on. Oh my God. Because he's had it with everything. Oh yeah, he's done.

He is fucking it. He's a crankiest motherfucker on the planet. The thing with me with the whole had it stuff is like, I've created, I've had it with everything and I've created a life where I don't have to have a boss. I don't have a quarter. I don't see people. So I was thinking like, what annoys me?

And I'm like, I've literally avoided everyone. I sleep all day. So I'm like I'm kind of living this like peaceful life that I've created for myself. This is my husband's post rehab life. He goes I just want to remove everything from my life, even friends and people. So that I have zero issues and all I can do is just live a very limited, very small life. And I'm going to be controversial again. I have had it with reality TV. Oh, wait, that's coming up.

I knew it was. Had it or hit it? Reality TV. I have had it. I mean, I love Bravo. I've always loved Bravo. And I was fortunate to do a Bravo show. I saw too much. I learned too much, I know how the sausage is made.

It's so sad, but I cannot watch, I can't really watch, I can't watch, I can barely watch Vanderpump. I got myself to watch the reunion little and then I got triggered and I had to turn it off. I have too much empathy now for them monetizing people's pain. And I know, my thing is just the more pain people are in, the better the ratings are, the more people that are hurt, the better the ratings are, and it always tends to be women. And then it's so black and white.

I'm not talking about Van Rippen particularly with this, but in general, they really make people, this person is the literal villain, and this person's an angel. Yeah, right. They stuff of what they're choosing to show you. And I don't think over, I think we're gonna have a time when we look back and some people are gonna speak out and be like, holy shit, because if you think about everyone's getting

their day, right? But no one gives a fuck about reality TV stars. They abuse the shit out of them, right? And go, but you have 100,000 Instagram followers. Right. The fuck up. Put your up. You're selling skinny tea.

Shut the fuck up. Don't you think that like now there's this whole like, there's a parallel, I think, between what you see that's going on politically in comment sections. Okay, like I'm talking about the Trumpers versus, you know, the liberals. And then you go over to a housewives Instagram page. And how fucking crazy the comment section is, and they're literally fighting over a woman

that is on a show called Housewives in 2023, where we're glamorizing that. And also, this is going to sound incredibly sanctimonious because we were on a bravo show, too. I think sometimes the housewives shows as a person who stands firmly for women's rights. I think they perpetuate the stereotype of women being histrionic, not conflict resolution oriented that fight in our toxic. I don't know how crazy they help us. Is it entertaining?

Is it fun to hate watch? Is it fun to love to hate people? Yes, I get that. I'm not trying to be that sanctimonious. But I think there's just a parallel because when I look at these, I'm like, God, people are wound up about Kyle Richards. Like, who cares?

But they're literally duking it out over there. And I do think there's some people who are really great at reality TV and they're meant to do it. Right. Because they have the right type of mental illness for it. Like they can truly detach. They like snaking people. They like the hate of life.

They like to hurt people. They like to play mind games. Right. I wasn't political. I was like a Labrador treaver. I was like, who wants to laugh? That was really fucking me. That was me. Like I was just a little raw.

Some people like to play a character in their own life. And if you can get that detachment of your this character on the show, then they can survive, I think. Yeah. Because you have to detach. And you also can't read the comments. When we get hate comments about our show,

we're so fucked up with dilaphing. Right, we think it's hilarious. I think a hilarious kind of funny. I mean, it's hilarious that somebody cares that much about me and Pumps to come write a hate comment. I mean, it's really hysterical. It is also you're like, your maturity. I mean, that the nicest way.

Like, if you were like insecure, 17 year olds with a pog, it'd be bad. It'd be bad. It could ruin you, you know. I mean, you touched on nicest way. If you were like insecure 17 year olds with a pog- Right, it'd be bad. It could ruin you, you know. No, I mean, you touched on something that is rarely touched on. Pumps and I are rock solid mature. I mean, if there's a white-

So why are you left in my conjure? I knew. You were dealing with high brow humor. Okay, I would do one more hat it or hit it. Quick shots. What is a quick shot? A quick shot. Is it a quick shot? A quick shot. Is it a two-pump shot?

Is a man that shoots a little too quick. Okay. Hit it every damn time. What? I'm busy. I'm busy. I have two podcasts. I'm busy.

I'm on the road. I'm touring. My thing is, as long as I'm coming, it doesn't matter. Like I have a rule. I come coming, it doesn't matter. Like I have a rule, I come first. Right. That's pretty smart though. A quick shot after you've-

Yes, after. Because it also, it feels better for both of us if I'm already, you know, buzzed up. Right. Also not to get too graphic. But also if he's taking too long to come, he doesn't have a job, he's poor. He has nothing going on in his life.

You don't even have an email you're worried about. Right. Right. I don't trust it. I agree. I think landing the plane early and efficient sex is not talked about enough. Right. And has, have you ever felt bad about yourself after he came fast?

Never. Not one time. I feel like I have the grilla grip pussy of the century. 24 karat gold pussy. Right. And I'm like I have the grill a grip pussy of 24 karat gold pissy right maned in crust and I'm like and he's embarrassed and I love when men are embarrassed That makes me so happy so I'm just like I am so sorry you couldn't control yourself Even though I'm my bushes out to here. I'm like I know you saw me and you just couldn't hold it in Exactly, I will take my compliment every fucking if if he takes too long, I'm like, are we gonna get divorced?

Exactly. Are you cheating on me? I'm not. If he takes too long, he's having an affair. I agree. We love that. And that's a fact. That's what we, I mean, I'm not,

I think a quick shot needs to be promoted more. I think that. That's a fact. That's what we, I mean, I'm not, I think a quick shot needs to be promoted more. I think that landing the plane, being an efficient sexual partner is a lot better. Viagra culture is permaid now. Three to four. Now, now. Now. No one wants that. I'll be a homicidal.

Yes. I mean, like, no fun. Also, like, if every time you have sex, it has to be this whole shebang. No, that's horrible, too. In a marriage, I think it's so healthy to be like, you know, we're busy. Right.

We haven't done it in a while. Let's do a real quick. And it really does enhance, you know. Right. Look at me talking like I'm Dr. Ruth or something. I think it's better than nothing. I'd rather that than have to reserve on my a Google calendar invite for a four hour

right now event. So popper, all my children make it horrible. She used to call me, her ex-husband. She'd say, oh my God, he wanted to have sex and it was full-blown like French kissing soap opera. I'm like, days of our life, so. And then she would say, let's just do it from behind because she know that it would end it quicker.

Yeah, no kissing. And so then after worse, after no kissing. I thought he was, I mean, silver back gorilla is like, oh, baby, you just really dig it from behind, don't you? She's texting. Motherfucker, I just wanted it over. I love doggy, because you literally could start going to TikTok.

I had rolls. It was like one minute no kissing. Okay. Wait, I love that. That is so funny. But I do have to say from the beginning, you ask about love and marriage, they say the happiest people are women who are single

with no family or in a happy relationship. And the unhappiest people are people who are stuck in bad relations. I believe that. So get the fuck out. Get out of dreams you don't want. People you don't need friendships you don't want. If you've had it, get out.

I agree. Love it. I agree. Hannah Burner. So good. Coming up with a conclusion. This is... Shall we talk to a conclusion?

Speaking of landing the plane, you must be a professional because ding-ding, it is now time to leave our listeners. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for having. It's so much fun. It's been so fun. And listener, you can send in a voice memo

to our Instagram at I've had it podcast and we will see you when we're seeing pumps. Next Tuesday, tell us where your podcast is. Oh yeah, if you love this pod, you will love Giggly Squad. I highly recommend listening to Giggly Squad. And I have a mental health comedy pod called Burning and Hell.

And then go head over and our comps I chose to see me on tour. She is awesome. Awesome. So much fun. All right. Thanks. Hi, new friends. I'm Jackie Shimmel, philanthropist, motivational speaker, glowing wife, animal rights activists,

and a shoulder to cry on. Not really, I'm a crazy bitch but a hoot-in-a-half. If you haven't listened to my podcast, The Bitch Bible, Brace Yourself, pour yourself a stiff drink and get ready to laugh your f*** off, or cry. Make sure you subscribe yourself to laugh your f***ing soft. Or cry. Make sure you subscribe yourself to the Bitch Bible Podcast right now. You're going to effing love it.