I've Had It - Little Broke Bestie

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

If your toddler is your best friend, you just might be a loser. Pre-order our new book, join our Patreon Cult, and more by clicking here: https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast. Thank you to our sponsors: RoBody: Go to https://RO.CO/HADIT to see if you qualify. Go to https://ro.co/SAFETY for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. EarthBreeze: Get 40% off Earth Breeze when you sign up for auto-shipments at https://earthbreeze.com/Hadit Chewy: Right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to https://Chewy.com/hadit. Homes.com: When it comes to finding a home - not just a house - we have everything you need to know, all in one place. https://homes.com. We’ve done your home work. Follow Us:  I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gatriots, Vatriots. Cuckoo, cuckoo. Listen up. In Trump's America, I know that a lot of our listeners are feeling worried, scared, stressed, angry and all of those things.

And everything and every bit of that is valid. And it is devastating how this administration has moved at such a rapid rate to further marginalize people. And it's just because they have power and just because they're moving quickly does not diminish our desire to fight for human rights and social justice. And we will continue to do so on this hair podcast. And you know, our other podcast is twice daily political hits. This one is for us to laugh a little bash a little and a lot. Yeah, or a lot pumps. What have you had it

with? Okay, what I've had it with is when you're on your phone trying to play a game and it pops up ads all the time, and I've bought the deal that says buy this for ad-free experience, it doesn't help. My son told me that the ad-free went through all your apps, but it doesn't. And so I'm like really into a game and I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, I know exactly what my next strategy is. And boom, there's an ad for something I would never ever buy. So I've had it with that. I've had it with all the ads popping up during games.

Okay, listener, we just got back from New York and on the plane ride home, I didn't say anything to you on real time in real time because it's more fun to talk about it with our listener. I did like down at your phone and I noticed you were playing this game and it was like this room with all this junk in it. Yeah, it's a finder like you're trying to find an object finder. It was like a riff raff, knickknack, flee market on your screen. And I noticed below you would have like a broom and a candlestick. And I sat there, I paused my show, and I sat there and watched you play your little game.

Is that the game that you're talking about? Yes, and I love it. I have two. I have like a crossword word search one and then I have that one because I Googled like best games to keep your brain sharp as you age. And so that's why I'm doing it. But I've gotten to where I kind of like it.

But it's just these pop-up videos. And I'm like, oh, there it is. I'm going to push it. There's an ad. So it makes me furious. But here's what I thought you were going to say when we were talking about the plane. So yesterday on the plane, we're sitting there.

And I'm like, oh, I think I might be able to take a power nap here. Like a real quick power nap. So I doze off. The next thing I know, my mouth is hanging open like a sleep. And I mean, it jerked me so hard. I was so embarrassed. I thought you're gonna make fun of me for having the mouth open. I noticed it. Did you? Yeah. I can't believe you didn't make fun of me. Well, I mean, here's the thing. I mean, I, I now that you're 55, I don't want to engage in such flagrant elder abuse. Right. You know, I'm going to temper myself a little bit. I mean,

you're playing this old lady riffraff knickknack game. You fall asleep, you're drooling on the flight. And I thought, you know, I could really do something here, but in Trump's America, I'm going to be nice to my elders. Right. Well, I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. You're just a huge humanitarian.

You know, when you see, when you look up on the high road, that's me up there. That's you up there. Yeah, just, just doing the Kendrick Lamar dance. Okay. Which actually was the lowest of the Petty Rhodes imaginable, which I could only aspire. Oh my God, I would D-I-E. I love Kendrick. So much. I mean, I just love Kendrick Lamar. Okay.

All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with my tennis instructor, Jeff. What did Jeff do? I love Jeff. I can't live without Jeff. Jeff and I have tennis sessions every day at lunch, as you know.

And there was this session probably about three weeks ago and everything is happening correctly. I am hitting my forehand, I mean pro level. I'm brushing the ball, the form is perfect, I'm relaxed, I have the perfect kind of tennis grunt when I'm doing it. And fucking Jeff says, God, you're really hitting the ball great today. Every ball he hit me after that was a complete shank, hits the net, goes out. It was a total catastrophe moving forward that he complimented me. And here's where I'm so fucked up. Sometimes we're rallying, right? And I'll hit a ball and it's fucking perfect. I nail him in the corner and I'm like, oh yeah, let's go.

I put baby in a corner because we smack talk each other the whole time. And then he won't compliment me. And then I'm mad. And I'm like, hey, I'm insecure. I need for you to give me compliments on my tennis. And then when he compliments me, I spiral completely out of control. You get dizzy with glee and you can't refocus on your tennis. I can't. I can't. You know, I have such a tortured relationship with tennis. It just tortures me.

And when I arrive back at the office after my lunch break, my tennis sessions, if I've hit the ball well, I am a fantastic person. I'm a joy to be around. Everything is great. But if not... If it's Shank City, I mean, it's tough titties here at the I've Had It podcast studio. Things go eggshell quiet. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, shout out to Jeff. I love Jeff. Jeff and I, I mean, we sit and smack talk like you would not believe. And here's what he does. Anybody who takes tennis lessons will understand this. I'm over on my side of the court, focused. My heart rate is through the roof. I'm sweating.

I'm huffing and puffing. I'm sprinting to each mall. I'm literally exerting every amount of physical energy and mental energy that I possibly can't. That motherfucker, it looks like he's so relaxed and he just glides over to these balls and then nails them back to me. And then we'll have a long rally, like maybe 20 balls back and forth. I'm like, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm in a getting. Then all of a sudden, and he's a pro, he hits me this just clean winner, just zinger

right by me. And I look at him, I'm like, what the fuck, Jeff? And he's like, yes, beat her down, beat her down. And he just trolls me. You think he's kind of like, okay, I've had enough fun with her. Now I'm just going to... He checks me. Yeah.

He makes sure that I don't feel too good about my tennis game, which is a really good marketing strategy. Did you keep going back? Because I keep going back every day and I have this. I mean, Jeff is really probably one of the most important people in my life, I realized, besides my French Bulldogs. I was going to say the French Bulldogs. And my children, like, like, it's a very integral part, especially in Trump's America being able to go in and hit balls and grunt really loudly. I think the grunt's key. Ugh!

Yeah. And I don't care who's in the tennis center. I grunt. It also reminds you to breathe. But anyway, I've kind of had it with Jeff, but I can't quit Jeff. I was going to say, you've had it, but you're not quitting him. I could never quit Jeff. I'm going to hit it, but I'm never going to quit it. That's right. Because him. I could never quit Jeff. I'm gonna hit it but I'm never gonna

quit it. That's right. Because I love love love Jeff. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She is a year older and... She just rolled my eyes so hard you can't see it. Well I mean you know I think that you're worthy of celebration. You are the star of our show. Yeah. And we just, I want everybody in this community to wish Pumps a happy birthday. It was on Monday. She is 55. I'm just, I just, older than me, but because she has crossed this threshold and she explained it to me accordingly, When you're 54 and lower

you can round down. Right. But when you're 55 and higher you got to round up. Right. And we all know for all of those I've had it Stan listeners, you know that we are now five years away from her cutting bangs. So close to bangs. Remember when she's 60. I'm rounding up to bangs. so I'm going to lighten up on the elder abuse a little bit. Does she feel sorry for me? That almost makes it worse. That makes it worse. Yeah. Yeah. So do you want me to? Yes. Just be normal. Okay. Because if you're not normal that'll irritate. Kylie. Hello. Kylie, a couple things. Number one, pertaining to our intro show, do you know about these Finder games and what you think the average age is of people that play the Finder games with the flea market

on the screen? My guess is there's a big market for iPad kids ages up to six, and then I think it skips until 50 and up. Okay., and then I think it skips until like 50 and up. Okay. 50 and up. Okay. And then I think you can attest to my mood swings relating to my tennis lesson. Oh, when you walk back in the room from a lesson, I'm eyeballing you and I'm trying to read,

I'm like, okay, was it a good lesson or was it a bad lesson? And I can tell pretty quick, Yeah. she gets like a post sex glow when it's a good one. She's beaming. She floats into the office. She's got the FFG coming in. I come in and I just feel like, I mean, like I just want an Olympic gold medal. I just walk in. Somebody asked me at the tennis center the other day, because I'm literally up there

all the time and I'm grunting and I'm working hard. I leave drenched in sweat. I mean, there's no fucking around in these lessons, right? So this gal at the tennis center was like, what are you training for? Because I'm up there all the time. And I looked at her and I said, absolutely nothing. That's why it's so enjoyable. Because I'm training for absolutely nothing other than just to try to fuck over Jeff as hard as I can. And he always checks me and he always reminds me that he's better, younger, smarter, faster, and all this stuff. Little twat. But he lets you think for a minute that you're really doing well. All right, Kylie, what's going on on the internet regarding our podcast?

I've got two five-star reviews for you today. This one is titled From Had It to Hit It. And they write, my partner listens to you all the time. Over the past few months, I've heard more and more of you all and initially could not stand you. It's totally fair. I used to dread when he played you in the car or around the house because I see enough negativity

in my career as a nurse. Then I slowly started enjoying the commentary and even looking forward to our common and agreeable grievances in this podcast. I now actively seek you guys out on my own and cling to your support of relationships like mine and all other LGBTQ plus in these visceral and trying times. I am now a self-proclaimed gaitriot and actively recommend you to all my friends. Thank

you for being a twisted light in this ever worsening Trump's America caca." Even a caca? The plot twist in that is just delicious. It's so good. Like you wanted to hate us, hated us for a long time. Yeah. Then it came around. The worm turned. The worm turned. I mean, here's the deal. The chicken came home to roost.

You have to, you can only hate us for so long before you start to like us. You wear people down. We wear people down. Beat them down. Beat them down. Beat them down. Yeah. Wear them down.

Yeah. Well, I would like to thank that listener. Yes for that comment that because you know what? That just shows there. There's hope for two old broads one older like us You know to make an impact to make a change that's an individual case Listener this may come as a total shock to you But pumps and I have not always been

this pulled together and rock solid. In fact, we used to be rather screwed up, wouldn't you say, Pumps? I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is Life is a Lazy Susan of Shit Sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances.

You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now. Some might say homes.com is the best home shopping site. Could it be because it has a sleek, spam-free site? Or the most in-depth school info? Homes.com knows every parent wants the best for their kids. So they're the only ones with school and district details and reviews from multiple sources, including niche. It may be Homes.com's super comprehensive and transparent agent directory, or maybe it's that Homes.com is the only site that always directly connects you with the listing

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detergent. So my dermatologist suggested that we switch to something gentler. So I tried EarthBreeze. Oh my gosh, did it make the biggest difference? His rash is completely gone. EarthBreeze laundry sheets are hypoallergenic and dermatologists tested, so they're made to be gentle. No harsh chemicals or artificial dyes, just a simple clean wash. And honestly, I noticed a huge improvement after switching. Listener, if you're looking for a gentle hypoallergenic detergent. I definitely recommend EarthBreeze. Right now you can get 40% off with your auto shipment at earthbreeze.com. Again, that's earthbreeze.com. All right, Kylie.

All right. This one's five stars titled Code Cracked. And they write, these two biddies harp on and on about shrieking toddlers, bratty kids, and enabling parents. You may ask yourself why they furrow those botoxed brows into such school marmish pretzels. Alas, I have the answer. They see and discuss the biggest tantruming toddler dumping his filthy diaper all over our government, Constitution, and country. And now he has added another spoiled titty baby to his playpen to double down on the destruction. The Bitties are trying to keep other parents from raising such monsters. There should be an award for

such philanthropy. They are the bestest Bitty Buddies ever. Bitty Buddies. I like that. It's a public service. It is a public service. And I do think parents of really kids that have thrown tantrum and act like shit that you can't control when they're little, you see that Trump is a petulant five-year-old at all times. So is Elon Musk. Right. See, I like what we're doing here. It's like you remember in Homeland,

the show with Carrie Matheson? Of course I remember. Where she has all of the charts. Yes. And it's like, we have that wall. And we've got like, bratty toddlers, Stanley cups, you know, boot camps. Yeah, poopy diaper at showers, naming your kids,

spelling your kids' name weirdly, and all of these things that lead to Trumpism. And one day for our YouTube audience, we should get a big blackboard and just go fucking crazy. Do you remember, what was his name? Glenn Beck? Remember on Fox he would go crazy and he'd be like Obama and write communism and then start doing all of these. Have you ever seen him do that? I haven't seen him do that, but I did know Glenn Beck. It's hilarious. And so we could just go off doing that

because I believe they're all linked. Well, they're all linked by crazy people. Okay, today I have a couple of news stories I would like to share with the listener pumps and Kylie. I thought this was really sweet. A love struck male humpback whale swims record-breaking three oceans, 8,106 miles for sex. This was a very exciting find. The kind of discovery where our first response was that there must be some error. For the study, the researchers went through an extensive image database between 2013 and

2022 collected by the company Happy Whale. The whale was spotted in Colombia and later in the Zanzibar channel. It mostly seemed to be a part of a competitive group vying for a female. So, okay, I have a couple questions. So he went for the same whale to have sex with or just different whales in different parts? You know, that's a great question. Because I'm like, is it love or is it sex?

I think it's sex. Okay, so he just went straight for sex. I think that probably these whales in Zanzibar, these females, they must have been really hot. I mean, this must have been some pristine whale vagene over there. And so he was like, I'm going back over there. I'm going to go get me some of that gold-plated Zanzibar vagene. That's right.

I like it. Go for him. Work for it. Okay. The next story is an MRI scan of dog's brain reveals dogs view their owners as family, which I've long believed. Again, the research is catching up with us because we're the ones who started calling our dogs our biological children. Now the scientists are catching up. Yeah. All right. Emory University's MRI study on dogs found a strong emotional bond as they prioritized the scent of humans over other smells. This became notably clear when the caudate nucleus,

the dog's brain reward center, showed more activation in response to the scent of familiar humans than to other stimuli. These results imply that dogs perceive their human owners as family, as indicated by the parallel brain activation patterns in dogs and humans, particularly in response to emotional stimuli, as highlighted in articles by Big Think and the Smithsonian magazine. Well, I mean, as we all know, our dogs are the absolute love of our lives. And I just guarantee you that my brain does everything his brain does, because I'm so excited to see him because I think he's family.

Dogs really are. I mean, they are our family and cats and like our pets are our family. They are. Yes. Yeah, we love your our family. They are. Yes. Yeah, we love your pet. Like for real. Yes. Okay. This is an interesting story.

A Texas zoo lets you name a cockroach after your ex and feed it to an animal for Valentine's Day. The San Antonio Zoo offered a unique way to celebrate or curse Valentine's Day this year with its annual Cry Me a Cockroach fundraiser. For a donation, people were able to name a cockroach $10, a rodent $25, or even a veggie for $5 after an X before it became a snack for a zoo animal. Would you do this? Oh my gosh, yes. I think that is absolutely brilliant. I think it's a great idea how to

raise money and it's fun and funny. I love it. Which one would you buy? Why couldn't I buy all three? There you go. A trifecta. A trifecta. The veggie, the cockroach, The trifecta, the veggie, the cockroach, the rat. Yeah. I wonder if you watch the animal eat the rat. Like the snake eat the rat? I guess other animals eat. But I was just associated with because their mouth gets so big and then you can see it passing through.

Kind of might want to see that. You would. Yeah, if I named it after my ex. Yeah, just go all the way in. Yeah. All right. Kylie, would you do it? What do you think?

To raise money for a good cause? Yeah, I would. You just wouldn't do it? I mean, let's say it wasn't going to a good cause. You just were at a bar and they said, here's what you can do. They had a snake with a rat. I don't know whatever cockroach it is. Would I name it after an X?

You know, why not? Yeah, I mean, I think you would. I think you would. Would you? I you know, I don't I don't know. I would support the zoo. I would you know what I would do. I would probably name it like after Ted Cruz or somebody like that. An X. I don't like to.

Empower like that. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't like to empower like, do you know what I mean? Like, if my brain, I wouldn't. But it's not like you're gonna tell them. I know, but even just the action of doing it, I feel like I would be empowering them real estate in my brain that it mattered enough for me to spend money. To do it. Yes, I would rather it be, particularly this isn't Texas.

Everybody knows on this entire planet that the most unfuckable man is Ted Cruz. On planet Earth. So if I'm on this zoo board, I would say what we're going to do is you can only name him after one person. Maybe you throw in that governor. Yeah, the governor would be good too. He's such a dick. Yeah.

You know, that guy's a total dick. He's all about science anti-DEI stuff. He's such a dick. Yeah. You know, that guy's a total dick. He's all about like science anti-DEI stuff and he's in a wheelchair. Right. And he's anti-work comp and he filed work comp or lawsuits. Yeah. He sucks. He sucks.

Okay. All right. Let's get off of that. We need to laugh today. So I'm going to read some grievances from some of the members of our Patreon. The first one is Ali and Ali says I've had it with people naming their children after themselves and then calling them junior. No, no, quit being fucking lazy and figure out a name for

your baby. So this is a really good point And I do know that like narcissists see their children as an extension of themselves. Like that they're so great and so important. And then look at how, you know, this child, you know, I'm surprised that Elon Musk didn't name that little action of the one that was humiliating Trump in the oval saying, you need to shush your mouth. You're not the president. I'm surprised he's not junior. Yeah, but he's like the 10th kid. So we don't know. Maybe the older one is. Yeah.

Who knows? Yeah. I, uh, here's what I do like though. And my friends made fun of me when my kids were little. Like, I think it's a super cute, like if you're the third, you know, like Trey is what they call the third, if it's a family name. And I have a friend whose brother-in-law was triple. And I thought that was so cute. Just like everybody called him triple. And your friends made fun of you for that? Well, they made fun of me for liking that because they were saying that's the dumbest

name. And I was like, No, I really think it's cute. I mean, he was an adult when I knew him, so it wasn't like a cute little boy, but I just thought- And he still went by triple? No, I think to this day right now. He's triple? He still goes by triple. You know, here's the thing that I have to say is I think that there is just a complete

sabotage that people are doing for their children. And they're giving their kids these stupid spelling names. And they are giving them weird names. And that kid has to live with that short-sighted impulsive decision that you made where you wanted people to go, oh no, I named my kid Angie, but I spell it N-G-E-E with an apostrophe over the E so that you look so smart and clever in that short moment. But really it's stupid. Yeah, it's so stupid.

And they're going to have to spell it the rest of their life. Yeah. Okay. their life. Yeah. Okay, Jordan says, and Jordan's nickname is Lamona, and she says, I fucking had it with people bragging about their baby's superior intellect or advanced emotional intelligence or whatever equivalent bullshit as if this kid is on their way to winning a Nobel Peace Prize or solving world hunger. Your baby isn't superior or advanced, Sharon. Your baby is six months old.

He can't do math and he shits in a diaper just like our felon in chief, so it's not exactly a marker of greatness. Shut the fuck up. I'm not without any sympathy since I have a four-month-old of my own. Of course, I personally think he's awesome, but I also don't feel the need to project grandiose wish fulfillment lies onto a tiny baby to cover up my own insecurities and shortcomings because I'm not a psycho pick-me-fishing-for-compliments and the envy of my neighbors. I love my baby, but he is currently an unintelligent, incoherent, adorable little bag of poop, and that's about par for the course for the

foreseeable future. I've had it with these pick-me parents and family members trying to compensate." This is a fantastic habit. We've kind of talked about this before, but she is so right. Like, everybody loves their kid. Everybody thinks their kid's special, but your kid's special to you. A six-month-old, every six-month-old pretty much does the same thing. There's not like, oh, your six-month-old is doing accounting or your six-month-old is doing physics. They all do the same thing, eat, sleep, shit. That's it.

I can't stand parents like this. I remember when Dylan was in kindergarten and Dylan is my and Josh's oldest and I believe it's kindergarten it could have been like the year right before pre-k or maybe it was kindergarten or first grade I can't remember but they invited the parents to come to the school so that the kids could read to you and you could see how well they were doing with their reading. This must have been first grade I think think it was first grade. So Josh and I leave our offices. We go to the school. So the other kid starts and we all have to listen. And he's literally like, it's like he's reading War and Peace.

I mean, it's like he's not missing a beat. Everything's perfect. Everything's spot on. He's crushing it, right? And I'm like, Oh my God, like this is not gonna be good because Dylan and I read at night. We're nowhere near this. So then we get to Dylan and Josh and I just like inhale, exhale. And this other mom is looking at me smug as fuck. I wanted to take my middle finger and just flicker and go calm down you twat. But I didn't. I let her take her victory lap. So then Dylan reads and we're like, the, the, the, the red. Well, fast forward, you know, now they're both seniors in college and everything catches up. Everything catches up. That's what I was going to say. They're both, you know, this kid, and I still know this kid, he's no more accomplished than Dylan is actually.

Dylan is graduating on time with a double major. This kid just got one. And so people put all of this emphasis on this early development in that in actuality kids just develop when they get there. They do. Okay. Next up is Lauren B. What I've had it with is when people I go out to dinner with don't allow the rest of the people at the table to eat their food until 20 photos of people's food have been taken. It's always, let's take a picture of the cute brunch table instead of this girl looks hungover, let her take a bite of her damn bagel. Okay. Number one, I don't have friends like that, thank goodness. These people that want to take picture of all the food and stuff, nobody cares what you're eating, what your table looks like.

That would drive me crazy. Like I would, even if I loved those people, I would just X them out. I'm not going out to eat with them. We can go to different stuff, but I'm not doing that. That's ridiculous. I've had it with pictures of food. I've had it. When I look at photography, looking at pictures of food

is just not that interesting to me. No, it's just one of the downsides of a cell phone. Everybody thinks everybody cares about what they're eating. And I've been to dinner with these people. It's like, wait, wait, wait. I need to take a picture of the food. And I'm like, you're taking a picture of the food? Like, what?

And then when I see pictures of food on Instagram, I don't engage with that content, because I don't want that content. I'm always wondering, like, so many people I see taking pictures and videos of stuff that I'm just, I walk by and I think, who does this person think is gonna watch this or look at this?

Like, this is the most boring, mundane, non-photo op that I've ever seen in my life. Like who are they going to thrust this upon and bore to tears with this caption of history? I mean, I just think it's stupid, stupid, stupid. Do you think it's Demer, the coffee photos with the like foam art or the food? Oh man, that's a tough one. Yeah, I mean, that's just a real, that's dicey. You know, originally when the first coffee art started, that was interesting because it was like, oh wow,

they made art with the phone. After about a week, I was tired of it. Right. I'd seen enough. I didn't need to see anymore. I didn't want to know anymore about it. And everybody knows that I feel like toddlers have ruined coffee shops altogether. And so I don't want to see coffee art. I don't want to see toddlers in coffee shops. And I love coffee. The photographing of food, unless you own a restaurant

and you need to photograph your food. For advertisement. Right. Of course. I don't think I've ever been out with people where they have said, let me show you a picture of the lunch I had yesterday. I'm serious.

Nobody would do that. Why would anybody do that? What if I was like, Pops, how are you? Oh great, let me show you an image of what I ate for dinner last night. Yeah, I mean, I just, I can't imagine anybody would care. No, I'm with you. If you're a food chef or like a recipe person trying to market know market your recipes I get that but just Joe Blow went to you know mundane restaurant took a picture there's no need for it's ridiculous. All right Lucy says yard sales or leaving furniture out in your yard with a free stuff sign no one wants your old couch covered in STDs

it's giving MAGA neighbors hate you and you're trashy. Love Lucy. I think she's spot on with that. Free to get home. And they just put it out there. No thank you. You can't just clutter up the yard. You can't just, I mean, I just, I have such an aversion to flea markets right now because I perceive what the current convicted felon that some idiots in this country decided to be a good idea for him to be in charge of everybody. He has like this online flea market and I just, any sort of riff-raff, knick-knack, used furniture, I just, I'm out on all of it. Okay, next up is Crazy Wheels, and she says, I've had it with gentle parenting and health care. No, your toddler can't consent to treatment in

my clinic, so stop wasting my time asking them if they would like me to examine them. You're the parent. You sign the consent. I have other patients waiting. I can't sit here for 30 minutes while the child that chose you decides if they want to cooperate or not. This needs to be added to the toddler safety protocol. They aren't allowed to make medical decisions. Crazy wheels? This is right in our wheelhouse. That's like makes me so happy. Let's let's just dive in to the what's happening. What is happening? They're doing this. And she oh my gosh. All right. Here's the deal. Listener, we we are we are advocates for toddler safety. Obviously. And within this advocacy, we have

liked to identify places and situations where toddlers shouldn't be allowed. And now we need to expand this places where toddlers are not allowed to make decisions. Well, which you really shouldn't even have to say that. But we do, because this is the United States of stupidity. Yeah. So all right.

So we know that toddlers shouldn't go to coffee shops, restaurants, airports, hotels, offices, oval offices. Oval offices. That's a great one. And we could, you know, we spend on malls, yeah, stores, grocery stores. Yeah. Basically, they go to their house and their parents' car and school. Outside of that, it's getting a little bit too dangerous in our opinion.

But this, and I think they should be able to go to the doctor's office, obviously, because they need to get vaccinated. But asking your toddler to consent to being examined is a level of titty baby bullshit that I didn't know existed until Crazy Will's here just brought it to our attention. No, I didn't either. When she was, I was just like, oh my gosh, it hit me like, oh my gosh, that is so bananas. I think if I, you know how like I know some doctor, I have doctor friends that are a vaccine only practice. Like if you don't get vaccines, that's great. You can't be in their practice full stop. I think she's put a sign that says no gentle parenting, no gentle parenting, no gentle parenting in toddlers. Not at this office. No shoes, no shirt, no service, no gentle parenting.

Get the fuck out. Like if you are that dumb that you are wanting your toddler to consent to treatment from the doctor and you, this entitlement and the lack of self-awareness to try to pitch your toddler on medical care and take up the entire practice time and have the doctor sit there for 30 minutes, I would want to bitch slap that parent into the next room. It's so stupid too because like if I had a toddler brain, I would never consent to any form of medical intervention because typically it's not pleasant.

No! But your logical adult brain says, okay, I have to do this pap smear because I need to do pre-cancer screening and make sure everything's okay. I have to go get my boobs smashed like they're in a car window for the next five minutes because I want to make sure I don't breast cancer. But if toddler Jennifer were deciding, I would opt out of all of that. I wouldn't do any of those activities. This is so stupid.

These parents are stupid. These parents are stupid. I can't take it. I mean, I just hate that for her. Okay. Alana, people who were screaming about the COVID vaccine being unsafe, who have run out to get on Ozempic as fast as they can, no questions asked. Like no hate for being on the weight loss drugs.

I think they are a literal miracle, but come on, y'all, we see you." Yeah, oh, that's a great point. A lot of the anti-vaxxers running around getting the jab. You know what's crazy is, COVID is so rear view mirror to me, and I got the vaccines and I never think about it. On social media, there are still people who are knee deep into the COVID shit. That it didn't exist? That it was overblown. Mind you, one million Americans died.

One million Americans died, and the vaccine helped us immensely. But there's all of these people that are trying to prove that the vaccine causes all of these heart attacks and strokes and all of these medical things. And she's so right. These people want to cherry pick when they use science. They want to cherry pick. Like, okay, yeah, I don't want to take the COVID vaccine because I feel like then I'm placating to the libs. But then when they want to get thin, it's, you know, GLP-1's all the way. I've had it.

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Go to roe.co.co.co.co.gov for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. 15% weight loss is based on a study in non-diabetics with obesity or overweight with a weight-related condition on five milligrams of medication and when paired with diet and exercise, half the list price when compared to auto-injector pens and when paying cash without applying insurance or savings cards. Okay, Scott H. says, oh my god, I've had it with the way elderly people eat. Each bite is a struggle and then it's a lot of open mouth chewing and slopping noises, not to mention food falling out. Not sure if I've seen me ma eat, but I imagine it's in this style.

Okay, I don't think it is yet, but I mean it's probably getting there. All right, Scott H, and he also has a pride flag next to his name. Scott H. pride flag. I want to tell you something that I've noticed about me, Ma. So when you're younger, boobs are tight, ass is tight, vag is tight, you're a guy, your balls are high and tight. Something that's never discussed ever. I think we might be the first people to discuss this in the public forum.

When you're younger, your teeth are tight. And I've noticed in me, Ma, as she's gotten older, her teeth aren't tight anymore. And she has always got a toothpick in her mouth after she eats. She says, ever since I've gotten older, I have to use this toothpick because I have stuff caught in my teeth. Well, my husband is about the same age as me, Ma, and he has the same situation. So I realized nobody on the planet is talking about that your teeth aren't tight anymore as you get older. Right.

Because all these old people have all this food crammed in between their teeth. Yes, and they're sticky. Like you get stuff stuck more. This is, I mean, this is just, this is me, Scott, age. The whole thing, I'm even getting ready to go get a new retainer. I haven't had, because I've got this thing in my like the two front teeth are sliding open in the middle. So your teeth aren't tight anymore.

No, my teeth are loose. The dragons aren't tight. The teeth aren't tight. The Vigene's not tight. Nothing's tight. Tight is gone. Those for the day. I'll tell you, way as tight as your forehead.

Actually, I feel like I need a little more Botox up here. I mean, at least you can tighten that up. So tell me about this retainer. Yeah. So I was thinking I've got tell me about this retainer. Yeah. So I was thinking I've got to go get a retainer. Like an Invisalign? An Invisalign. Yeah.

Our friend got one and so I'm going to use her person. But I didn't realize that like you have to go every two weeks to the Invisalign place. You're going to get the orthodontist? Well, that's where you get it. Okay. But yeah, I'm getting ready to get a retainer, Scott. Mm hmm. What do you think is going to happen first, the retainer or the banks?

Definitely the retainer. All right. Next up is Ali Escobar. I've had it with people stopping me with ear buds in, sunglasses on, and a full speed walking stride to pet my dog. Is he friendly? Bitch, I'm not. I've had it.

Have that same gripe? Same exact gripe. Are people stopping you with gliss? No, but sometimes with like when I'm walking the dogs, they're not talking to the dog, they're talking to me. And I'm just like, dude, sunglasses, ear beds, phone. Like, how are you not noticing I'm not in the chit chat mode? Yeah. Happens a lot. I mean, obviously, if Ollie was with me, they would stop me to tell me he's the cutest dog in the chit chat mode. Yeah. Happens a lot. I mean, obviously, if Ollie was with me, they would stop me to tell me it's the cutest dog in the world.

Let me ask you this. Do you, once you get stopped, do you feed him? Do you find yourself? No, I've really been trying to do better. You've brought it to my attention how bad I am at it. I've accepted the fact that I'm the problem in these situations. Really? So I am doing a little bit better,

especially if it's people like, I'm better if it's people that I completely don't know. Right. But if it's people that I know and have some type of relationship with, I'm more inclined to chit chat than I am just a random person that, I've never seen before, they'd never seen me before.

All right, Chrissy S says, had it with these annoying wannabe momfluencers who call their toddler daughters my little broke bestie on social media. I didn't even know that. Bitch, get some actual friends your own age and stop ridiculing your three-year-old for not having a full-time job in a 401k that didn't ask to be plastered all over Beyonce's internet with your tired jokes, begging y'all to come up with a single original thought instead of relying on cringy social media trends as a substitute for a sense of humor.

And guess what? Ten times out of ten, they are wearing a pearl bedazzled top-knot headband and carrying a Stanley cap. Wow. That is some research right there. Wow. I mean, this took like, she, this is how you fucking land a jet airplane right here. Right.

She took so many twists and turns, brought it in. Chrissy S. Okay. First of all, she brought to our attention the momfluencers, apparently in large numbers, calling their daughters my little broke bestie. A few things here. Number one, your toddler's not your best friend. No. No.

Toddlers are the most incompetent portion of the population and capable of consistent, healthy relationships. What happens then? They bite you, they hit you, they kiss you, they throw up on you, all within five minutes. This is not a healthy relationship. You're basically guiding them to the age where they can develop their own friends. And anybody who says that their child is their best friend

or the child says, my parent is my best friend run run run that's like a lights inside well i mean i've told this story before but i think it's worth retelling i will never forget where i was i was at a birthday party i was sitting at a gymnastics birthday party place i was sitting on the floor exercise mat with another mother and her child was going to kindergarten and I said, oh, he's so excited. She's going to kindergarten. She goes, no, I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I remember what everybody had on. Pathetic. I remember exactly where I was sitting because it blew my mind off. I was just like,

there's so many things. I could not wrap my head around it. I remember that story. I love how Chrissy S here ties this in, the broke little bestie, to the pearl bedazzled top-knot headband wearing a Stanley cap. Yeah, it's all the things. We saw top-knot headband yesterday, walked right by us and Jennifer and I locked eyes. We were like, mm-hmm. Oh, and the bedazzled ones are especially...

This one had pearls on it too, yesterday. Oh my God, it's so bad. So bad. So bad. I did notice one day I went into the tennis center for a tennis drill and there was like eight people in the class. It was cardio tennis, not with Jeff. It was just a cardio tennis class. And I noticed as I was coming down the stairs to get on the court, I noticed a girl had a top-knot headband on. By the time I got down and then through, and she could see me upstairs coming downstairs to the tennis courts, by the time I got downstairs and got on the tennis court, that top-knot headband was off.

You think she knew? I think she's probably seen a clip online and I think we're enacting change on a local level. Boy, that's great news. She had on the headband and then she's like, oh my God, there's that awful podcaster that just browbeats the shit out of the stupidest stuff. And so she took that headband off. Kind of like that might be narcissistic of me to think that maybe that was it.

Right. I mean, she already had a racket in her hand. I was running a couple of minutes late. And so she was in your group. Yes. Well, 100 percent. Then it was she. The headband went off and went back in the tennis bag. 100% it was you. Okay. Last one. Rena or Rayana. I'm going to go with Rayana. R-H-E-A-N-N-A. I

believe this Patreon member lives in the UK. And she says, I've had it with MAGA in Trump's America, if he gets to rename things, we should too. I'm renaming MAGA to represent our America. Memas and gays assemble. I love that. That's a great way to do it. But see, the thing is MAGA is so ruined. Every time you just that word just sends me into orbit. But I do like the acronym change.

I do like it. Here's just one thing I want you to know about MAGA. You know how like, how when you hear the Nazi and you hear Nazis and what a horrible implication that has, that is what MAGA is to us that have our eyes open and have critical thinking skills right now. But historically, the whole MAGA movement is heading to that direct fate. And I'm hopeful that we can all get our shit together and protest and intervene. But the shit that they want to do and the plans that they have for humanity are not good. Not good. Okay, listen, we have

a sub stack. We have a Patreon, we have merch, we have a YouTube channel, we have a book coming out the end of May called Life is a Lazy Susan of Shit Sandwiches. And in this book, we go in depth about how fucked up we used to be. Juicy little read, to be honest. Anyway, Pimes, why don't you tell them? We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday.