I've Had It - MAGA? I Beg Your Parton

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

Friend of the show and comedian Jared Freid plays a lightning round of Guess That Loon with Jen. Pre-order Jennifer’s new book Not Today, Fascists, join our Substack, shop our merch, and more by clicking here: https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast. Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @MizzWelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Kiley Josey: @kileyjosey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready. One, two, three. Patriots, Gay, Trots, they triots, black triots, brown triots. We love you. All of MAGA, triple trumpers, the nut jobs can do what, pumps? Forgot! All right, pumps, what have you had it with?

Okay, what I've had it with, I think at the end of the day, I've had it with myself. But I've been to blame it on social media and attention span issues that I've gotten since social media became so big, but I used to be at like a bent, I could binge on streaming. And now I'll like go through halfway through an episode and I'm like, so now I find myself, I can't even enjoy something that I love, which is like to binge a good show, because I'm always thinking, what's the next best thing? What's better? Is there something I'll like more? And so I've had it with myself and I really need to focus and give attention to stuff instead of just being so quick to just go through everything. But I am going to say I've had it with social

media for shortening my attention span, even though I think I'm really the problem. No, I do think social media has been, there's been a lot of net negatives from it. Like, my favorite days are the days that I spend on it less, truly. Like, my favorite days are the days that I, on Saturdays and Sundays, I am rarely on social media. I'm rarely on my phone. There's this weird thing that goes on like in politics. There's what's really happening in the real world. And then there's like the Twitter version of everything that's happening in politics. Right. And then there's like the real parenting that is messy and, you know, like, I told you not to do that. That's messy and sloppy that would never be posted. And then there's this,

imaginary version of parenting on Instagram or TikTok. And you can you can put that, you know, vacations and you can put that down the list with everything. And to me, it's like one of the worst things is that whole keeping up with the Jones's thing. And I think, I think social media kind of exacerbates that. But I also think it's probably affected a lot of our attention spans. And I'm just much, much, much happier when I spend less time on social media. No, I completely agree. And I also think like, to your point about keeping up with the Joneses, you always hear about, you know, these big parenting influencers, da-da-da-da, like a Ruby Frankie. She's giving all this advice. And then now she's in jail for child's reason. I mean, it's just

crazy shit. And so it's almost like what you see on social media, you have to always think what's going on behind closed doors. But unfortunately for me, I do it in little spurts and I am not really deep diving into anything because I have such a short attention span. Yeah. You are a, you are a very device-oriented person. And I'm rarely with you when your face isn't down in your phone. Yeah. Like if we're in an airport or anywhere, you're unable to, like, I sit and I like to people watch in an airport and you're always just boom, AirPods in going to town. So maybe limit yourself.

No, I've been really limiting myself on social media for the past two weeks. I started on my vacation and I've been really, really trying. But, you know, sometimes I'll just pick it up and it's like, it's almost like I don't even know it's happening. I do the same thing. It happens to me like a couple times a day. I'm like, it's like all of a sudden I wake up and my phone is in my hand and I have Instagram open and I'm like, why? I didn't even like consciously do this. I just like,

I'm trying not to. I know. I know. I have that, I have that same problem. It's so stupid. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. I have had it with good people dying while Trump is president. No shit. Like the Dolly Parton thing, I was just like, oh my God, she was the best of us. She was our best foot forward. She was incredible. And then immediately, I mean, immediately, times. I was like, oh my God, she had to die with Trump president. She didn't deserve that. Like my, that's what I thought. I was like, she did not deserve that. She did not deserve to die with him being president. She fought for so much goodness. She stood hard with minorities. Her whole life. She stood hard with LGBTQ plus community. Her entire life, she never changed.

She never wavered. She did all of the stuff that I think people should do with this incredible kindness. And then there's just her music. You know, it's been all over my Instagram feed lately, which are, you know, subconsciously opening. And like the her and Kenny Rogers stuff. And I just like, like, oh my God, she, when you think about America, you think, yeah, we can, we still have cool shit. We can produce really cool people. She's a baby boomer.

And she like a trailblazer, you know, like Jane Fonda is with all of that shit. And then she had to die with him as president. And I just started thinking, I wonder when the last time was she thought about him. She'd think about him the day of because he's so ubiquitous everywhere with all this crazy-ass shit. And it just, the injustice of that, that she had to die. Rob Reiner, you know, with Trump being president, R.BG, all of these people that fought the good fight. that fought for equality, their whole lives have to die with that incompetent dipshit as president just devastates me.

But 100% for sure. And you know what I thought immediately when it happened? I was like, okay, remember from the Super Bowl, not the Thanksgiving game like three or four years ago, Dolly Parton is dressed up in a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader uniform, dancing and singing and doing all that. And then you look at Donald Trump, he's morbidly obese, cancels, bruises on his hands, all the shit. And I think, how is he still kicking? And she who was like running around in a Dallas Cowboy uniform two or three years ago, how does that work?

Make it make sense. Where is karma when this all happens? Mean people live the longest. They do. They do. They do. It's just, yeah. It's just, it's devastating.

but it's just mean people just stick around forever. They just, because they don't feel the things that we feel. I mean, when you don't have a conscience and you don't have empathy, imagine not having to feel that, like, I wake up and I feel so much all day long. And I think your body absorbs all of that. Your heart rate gets higher, et cetera, et cetera. Trump doesn't fucking feel anything, nothing except for how do I protect my ego. And that's it.

And so he's surrounded himself with people that every single day service his fragile ego. And so I don't know, maybe the true key to longevity is to be a sociopath. Trump's the only president in Trump 1.0 that aged zero during the presidency, but his criminal child when it was about him, he did age. So I don't think stress affects him at all because I don't think he feels stress. Maybe he feels stress about taking his name down from the Kennedy Center. But in terms of troops dying and, you know, blueberries killing people, I don't think he gets a shit. No, he doesn't care at all.

All right. Welcome to I've had it. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. All right, Kylie, what you got for us? I've got a review for you five stars titled Incredible Women. And they write Gaytrait here. I'm 22, fresh out of college, broke and gay, but would do anything for these two ladies and their handlers,

even if it meant building the biggest beaver dam in all the Gulf of Mexico. I love that. That's so sweet. Thank you so much for that message. All right. I want to cover a news story. A popular San Francisco restaurant has gone viral after a customer revealed their strict menu policy. Pop this up, Kylie. Viral restaurant shames and charges customers who let kids cause damage. Here is the now viral notice notice. on the restaurant's menu. Pop this up. Shea Shui is a family-friendly restaurant. However, we are not a playground. Please ensure children remain seated at all times and respectful of fellow guests

and the dining environment. Running around, shouting, making noise with utensils, etc. will not be tolerated. Guests not respecting this policy may be asked to leave. We will hold parents, financially liable for all damage caused by their children to restaurant property. Families have been charged upwards of $300-something dollars. Here's a few of the things the restaurant has charged families for so far.

Play the clip. Here's some of the examples. One customer was charged more than $300 after their child dropped and shattered a credit card machine. At this restaurant, pretty fair. Yeah, at the restaurant. Another parent was charged nearly over $100 after their kid carved into a tape. Okay, that is absolutely not cool.

So my question is, do you think it's fine to find these families if their kids are acting up at a restaurant? All right. So, of course, this has upset some well-known MAGA parents. Here's Matt Walsh's hot take on the whole thing. Let's pop this up. If you don't want to be around kids at a restaurant, then four kids. over the money to go to a nice upscale place. I don't think I've ever in my life seen an unruly child at a restaurant where the average entree costs more than like $30 or $40. Unruly kids are only ever a

problem at spots like applebees. But if you want to eat that kind of slop, you're going to have to be around children. People want to go to a place and pay 14 bucks for an entire, for an entree with sides and also not be around kids. Sorry, doesn't work that way. He's just insufferable in every way. Here's what I say. Fucking go. This is long overdue. I love the idea. And here's the deal. I have had unruly kids at a restaurant. I, I 100 percent have done I've had it. My daughter used to throw up all the time everywhere. If I would have been charged for that, I deserve it.

I am the parent. I am responsible for my child. So if my child, first of all, why the fuck did the child have the credit card machine? Number one. Carving into the table. Like if your kid acts poorly and you have to be responsible. I think that is fair and just. I have zero problem with it.

I absolutely love the idea of if you bring your child, these are the expectations. And again, I've had children running around restaurants and doing all that. But I would not have been offended. I would have been like, you know what, I deserve it. And I'm not going to go back to that restaurant and ruin other diners experience because I can't fucking control my kid and I can't parent appropriately. And sometimes it's hard. Like sometimes your kid just loses it.

I get all that. But I don't think you should be adverse to the accountability of being a parent when you go to a restaurant. And I say, good for the San Francisco restaurant. Yeah, I completely agree. Raising kids is so hard and you feel so incarcerated in your home with them at times. It just is like, I've got to get out of this house. I've got to get out of here. I cannot sit in this house any longer.

And so you think, okay, the solution is a geographical change. So you're like, okay, we're going to go to a restaurant. This will entertain the kids. Well, you swap out one problem for another. And inevitably, you get to the restaurant, kids an asshole. My kids are certainly assholes in restaurants. We're talking about the really young ones, you know, like five and under, four and under. At five, I take that back. My kids were totally great in restaurants, but I'd say like three and a half in younger. But the minute my kids, the first screech, the first, you know, whatever they did, Josh or I would swoop in, grab the child, and walk out of the restaurant immediately. And the reason we did that was

twofold. Number one, to let everybody around us know, we heard it as well. And we know that you don't want to hear that when you come to a restaurant. So we're removing the child for right now. And number two, to take the child outside and explain, you can't behave this way inside here. And then we'd come back in. And then if it happened again, then Josh would go, get the food to go. I'll have the kids in the car. And we immediately, I never wanted my children to be a burden to other people because I was always uniquely aware that as special and as lovely and as darling as my two sons are, that's exclusive to me. Right. Not to the diners in the restaurant. And I just, I get really irritated a lot when I'm in public.

And there are kids that are really. unruly and the parents look over at you like, aren't they so cute? And I'm just like, no, they're not. Like, you're being a bad parent. Teach your child to sit down and that this is inside voice time. This is sit still time. And I, it's possible because I've been to very nice restaurants and seeing very small kids that are sitting there with their napkin in their lap behaving properly. And then I've also been to restaurants where kids are just fucking chaotic as all get out. And you can tell the parents think it's cute. That's my number one problem with all of these parents in restaurants and movies, all the things. It's like inevitably you're going to be in a

situation in public where your kid throws a tantrum. But it is the response of the parents when they're like, oh my gosh, it's fine. Don't worry. They think that everybody else is a tolerant of their children as they are and they think that everybody thinks their child is so special and cute. It fucking drives me crazy. Your kid is the most wonderful and special and greatest to you. Nobody else shares that with you. The up and down, the waving, like when your kid waves at another person and takes like five minutes of their life trying to entertain them and you act like it's cute instead of saying, turn around and sit down, that's a parent. That's a parent. problem. It's not a kid problem. And it doesn't stop with these parents. These are the same kind of

parents that when I run into them or that I've known for a very long time, the same parents that enabled their children to be terrorists and public are the same parents that now that the kids are grown when you see them, all they talk about are their kids. It's all they talk about. And it's just, come on. We have to have more, like, again, as interested as you are in all of your child's choices, their majors, the colleges they're going to, their personal relationships. And I get it, that it's super important to you. I really don't give a fuck. I genuinely don't give a fuck what Caitlin's doing right now. I really didn't even think about it. I saw you and I thought, oh, I hadn't seen you in a while. How are you doing? Oh, great. It's good to see you. What you've been up to. Well, you know,

such and such is going here and majoring in this and then this. And I'm just like, you got to get an identity outside of this. And also some self-awareness that I haven't seen you in 10 years. And I didn't ask about your child. And I'm in this situation right here being polite because that's what you do. That's the social contract. And you're abusing and not taking into account my feelings as the listener. Because the last thing I'm going, I do not bring up my kids unless somebody asked me about them. I just don't. But I have been in these miserable and sufferable conversations. conversations with women. And it's like, all they do is talk about their grown kids all the time. Get a life and let your kids have their own life. I don't know. I think people get incredibly bored and

enmeshed with their kids in an unhealthy way. And of course, they should be, you know, but read the room. You don't share all of that with people that don't give a fuck. Like, I didn't even remember the lady's daughter's name. You know what I mean? And so you didn't need an update on all of what's happening with her major in her day. I'm never going to get that time back. It's gone. I mean, all of that is gone. And I had to sit and go through all of that with her.

You know, and it's one of those things. Then you start sending closing body language and closing, like I'm starting to turn. Well, it was just so great to see you. And then they continue on. Oh, I forgot to tell you this. She also, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, this is just, this is inseparable. There's nothing that makes me absolutely more insane.

And it happens in conversations and in person, like text conversations, phone conversations, and in person is when you are signaling, we're done, this conversation is over, and they keep going. I hate it. Pick it out. It's awful. It's awful. Absolutely 100% a horrific abuse. It's abusive behavior.

It is just, when in the conversation is over, it must be over. All right. We're going to be back with one of our favorite guests, so stay tuned. All right. We're back in studio with Jared Freed, who has a hilarious Netflix special coming out called The Family Plan. Actually, it's out now. Jared. Great to be here. As one of your original, I've had it. One of our big time very first guests. Yeah. We were just baby podcasters. Baby. Immediately were like, yeah, come on. Absolutely. I was, listen, I, I, I hear a good premise two, two women, you know, bitchen, complaining. I was like, that's like going home for Roshajana.

You know, I love that. Like I, you know, here, that, that, that soothes me. That is two women complaining is just, that is just like a white noise machine. You know, like, I love that. So I was like, immediately, and it's so great to see how wonderful you guys have done. Where's Pumps? She's in Oklahoma City. She was just on the intro, but when we do guests in studio.

Listen, Pumps and you, I'm just like in this studio. I went to Oklahoma. I've done shows in Oklahoma with you. We went to Oklahoma and we took you to Cattleman Steakhouse. It was awesome. I got a real taste to Oklahoma. I loved it. It was all, everything.

And I'm, you know, I'm happy for you guys. And, you know, this special is just like I, you know, the minute this special is coming out. I'm like, it's about it. This is like if people want to laugh for an hour. Like, this is all about my family. It's a one hour story about going to the beach with my parents. and it happened in 2018. My dad was sitting across me and he asked me how much I weighed at the beach.

And we got in an argument and then I went home and podcasted about it. And then, you know, and then I was like, I think there's a bit here. It went from a one minute story to a hour special where I kind of go off in different directions from the story. But I'm really proud of it. It's like my best work. So I want the audience here to go get involved and watch it. And watch it with your parents.

what you'll share with your parents. It's about the millennial boomer relationship. You know, the boomers who are confident and unaware, the millennials who are have no confidence and are aware of everything. You know, it's like what a bad combination, you know, and it's all about that. Did he fat shame you? It's, yeah, it's a version of that without saying it. Like my, you know, my whole body, my whole family, body issues are generational. You know, my parents have body issues. I do. My grandparents did. I'm sure whoever came over on the boat whenever that was was like, I don't know, I'll be good today. I'll eat when we get there. You know, like I think this is like, and, you know, it's out of love because you have kids,

you know, parents are always 10% right. You know, they're always 10% right, which is the enraging part. Right. You go, I know the nugget of truth. Like, I'm not sitting here in a beach chair thinking I look the best I've ever looked. You know, so I, that's the part about parents that, and, you know, the special is really about empathy and love and anger and, you know, when we fight, you know, if I called it fat-shaming, it would be too mean. I don't see it that way. Well, I see it as like, you know, to me,

we get in arguments and then 10 minutes later we're eating and, you know, having fun and laughing. I think when it's your parents, it's kind of excused. I have a, my boomer parents, obviously, and I remember after I had my second child, my dad was like, let's meet for breakfast at this diner like in Oklahoma City. So I have my toddler, who's like three, and after my toddler, I lost all of my weight within like a month or two. And then I have just had the baby. He's four days old. I have the toddler in my hip and I have the car seat. And after you have a baby, you still look pregnant for like seven to ten days. Like that bump and all the swelling and stuff is still there. But after 10 days, uh-uh, not for me. So I walk in. I know, I walk in.

Better hurry up. Get in the gym. I walk in and my dad says, says, huh, when are you not going to look pregnant anymore? And I put the car seat, like, in the high chair thing. And I sat down and I was like, I lost all of my baby weight last time. It's been four days. I just got out of the hospital yesterday. I will lose this weight. I imagine next week, I won't look pregnant anymore. Are we happy? They're like, oh, we're sorry, darling. But that is, it is a baby boomer thing. The weight, the weight police thing is such a baby boomer thing. Yeah, the body stuff, what they were told, how they deal with it. You know, it's, and again, we have to live on this earth together.

And I do love my parents and I love my family. And like, it's called the family plan because I'm on my parents' cell phone plan. So like, you know, there's an element, you know, and a lot of the special is about the millennial boomer relationship. It's like, yeah, they got the money, you know? Like, we're the first generation to do financially worse than their parents. So like, how does that kind of evolve into a familial relationship? the way I'm with my parents is so different than the way my parents were with their parents.

Totally. And my, you know, and like when I get to the, when I get somewhere, I text my parents landed. You know, like, I don't. Still? Yes. How old are you? 41. Shut up.

I'm texting them landed. I've gotten here from the phone that they're paying for the plan for. Oh, Jesus Christ. And listen, I could afford it myself. You know, I could go and pay my own cell phone bill. But no, let them fucking pay. Like, I'll save the 50 bucks. Okay.

Let's get into your grievances. I have one from last night. I've had it with everything. Last night, have you been to Salt and Straw? No. Salt and Straw is a unbelievable ice cream place. Okay. Let me just start with.

I love ice cream. If you love ice cream, you got to go to Salt and Straw. I waited 45 minutes to get to the counter. 45 minutes because they even have a sign that's like, try everything. As many tries as you want. Do you have sample abusers? it's not even sample abusers because they're encouraging it. And they're basically, the people at Salt and Straw act like their ice cream somaliers.

Like they are like, well, this has a node of chocolate and this, oh, you have hints of Oakwood. And people are like getting up to the front and acting as if they are in Napa trying the reds, you know, like, and you go, I looked at my, I was with my girlfriend last night, we're in line. I kept imagining what if I was alone in line for ice cream for 45, minutes, that would be a problem. Like, that would be like an actual drug, addictive, like, quality. I was just like, I can't believe that everyone's in on this. Like, the people at the counter and the

people trying, like, no one even, like, look back to be like, hey, sorry, we're doing 45 minutes. So they're creating a culture of sample abuse. Yes, they're encouraging sample abuse. And I actually have, I've devised in line. I had enough time to devise what. You have a resolution. I have a resolution. Here's how my ice cream shop would work. Okay.

Let's hear it. Here are the new rules. You get three tries, but you have to ask for them all at once. So you can't go, let me try, you know, let me try, you know, the mint chocolate chip. No, this is pretty good. Like, I don't want 10 minutes on each one. Oh, let me let me like spread myself around to the sore bit. maybe I'm a sorbet guy.

No, no, no, no. You get three, but you have to announce them the minute you get to the counter. Mint chip, Rocky Road, strawberry. And then they bring you all three, and then you have to choose one of the three as what you're having. You can't, only the ones you try are the ones you can choose from. So if let's run that hypothetical, let's say that I really love salt and straws chocolate. Yeah. But I say I want pistachio, vanilla, and butterscotch.

I taste all of those and I still like the chocolate better. I can't go back to chocolate. No, no, no. You got to go with what you try. So you're an ice cream Nazi, like the soup Nazi. I'm trying to make it some. I'm taking away this choice that we, because what's slowing up the line is the idea that like, well, maybe I'll go to the one I don't know.

No, go with, you've gotten it down to the top three. And also above your. head, a three minute clock. The minute, three minutes, the minute you get to the counter. I think that's way too long. Way too long. Three, I'm giving people some grace. I'm a, I'm a nice dictator. Okay, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to rush people. Three minutes, a minute for each try, I'm okay with it. Last night, I would have paid for three minutes each. Here's what I would do. Okay. Okay, my ice cream shop, I'm going to have two lines. People that want samples and people that don't. I love this. An express line. Yes.

And it's going to say people who know and are ready to order and ready to pay within 10 seconds of being greeted. So let's work on this together. Now, now we're cooking. Right. Now, so we do try line, you get three tries, three minute clock. You can be the express line. 10 seconds. 10 second clock.

And once it buzzes, you're taken away by arm guards. 100%. You have to have Apple pay ready. Right. Or if you're paying by credit card or bang by cash, it has to be in your hand. I listen. No digging, no ordering. And then the cone comes, and then you have it in your hand, and then you're trying to dig around.

You have to be ready to order like you're ready to go through TSA. Well, this goes into my TSA thing. I always thought TSA pre, you should have it taken away. I agree. I think we should have to do tryouts. Tests, like a driving test, but for TSA pre. I agree. We set up obstacle courses at all the DMVs.

Okay? The first stop is the laser with the tip. If it takes more than 10 seconds, nope, you're out. Then you have to do a tumble roll and then carry your bag and put it on to the conveyor belt yourself. Can't do that? You're out. TSA pre will be our fittest and most well Americans, ready to go. Ready to, most prepared Americans.

Totally agree. The most prepared. Furthermore, Pumps and I have talked about this extensively. We need armpit sniffers at the entrance of every airplane. I love it. Because there is a lot of people that are either not using deodorant or they're using organic deodorant. And I love this because AI can't take away that job. That's exactly right.

I want to move people from these other jobs. You know, the toll booth worker must become the armpit sniffer. Yeah, I like this. Because have you been on a plane with somebody who's wearing organic deodorant or not? And this would actually make people feel better about AI because at least we're giving options of other jobs that are getting created. Like at least we have other places we can go. We want to make sure. I really like the- I would sniff some armpits. I really like the tryouts for TSA. I agree we're doing it wrong. Of course, check the criminal record.

Criminal record, of course. Yeah, yeah, no, but I want a little bit of a obstacle, of course. We need to know that somebody is, has earned that with efficiency. We don't let 90-year-olds drive. Like, why are we letting them in TSA-Bree? Yeah. This is, the whole thing was about quick and efficient. Right. And I just want, I also want at the airport, you and I fly a lot.

Yeah. I want badges for people who are professional flyers. I do too. I just want a badge that I can hold up like I'm a cop that's on the murder scene. I just want to walk in and go, professional flyer here. Because the problem with the airport is everyone thinks they're doing it right and everyone's doing it wrong, no matter how little they fly. Yeah. So there's a little bit of like, it's like almost like shot in front.

a little bit. I think I'm using the word wrong, but I'm saying like, it's that type of thing where it's like, look at this guy, but it's like you're moving slow now. I think there should be a penalty box. So if you do, if you get to the TSA preline and you mess up, you know, doing your ticket, 30 seconds in the box. And then you get sent to the, because there's no shame. No one knows when they're doing the wrong thing. So put them in the penalty box with a neon sign above them that says, idiot. Right. And then the family's like, dad, we got to get to the gate. And the dad's like, I didn't take off my shoes. I forgot. I tried to take off my shoes in TSA pre. I didn't know they didn't do that. Like, I want that dad to feel it. Yeah. And then walk with shame the rest of the trip. I completely agree.

I mean, I... We were creating a better time. One of my best travel days was I went through TSA and I was ready. Of course, had everything ready. I went through. And then at the tail end, I grabbed my stuff. There's like four or five containers where people didn't get. them and return them down. And so I just stacked them all up, cleaned up, everybody else's mess and put it on there. And the TSA agent looked at me and he said, you're a great traveler. Right. And I like stopped and I was like, it was like he, it's like he would have said, you're gorgeous. I stopped and I went, thank you. So much for noticing because I want to make your job easier. I want TSA agents to be proud of me. A TSA agent telling me that I am a good

traveler, I would assume would be like heroin going through my veins. I would assume it's a similar feeling. It was the best travel day I've ever had. Here's another job I think we should create. When people act bad, I want to be hired as a nodder. So anytime someone acts badly at the airport and someone gets annoyed with them, I'm just in the background going, Just because when you see someone act badly at the airport, all you want is to look around and have one person go, they're crazy. I'll be that guy. I'll just walk around. Anytime I see bad behavior, if anyone makes eye contact with me, you're right.

That's all people want to feel good. Yeah. I mean, I have so many I've had it. Can I keep going? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let's go on.

I have your list. iPhone. My iPhone, I need a new one. Every time I, I have. I need a new iPhone, I am put face to face with how little confidence I have. Because all I can think about is that the minute I switch from this old iPhone to the new one, I will lose every password, every phone number, every memory. So I put it off.

And then I'm sitting there going, Jared, Jared, you don't think you can get through this? You're a 41-year-old adult. This is the thing that's holding you back from society. You don't have the new charger because you can't even have. the confidence to push yourself to the next iPhone. This is, and it's like, I don't need the iPhone to be this look in the mirror at how little, like, how little of a man I feel on the inside. And it happens every four years, I'm going through the same process of like, who am I? Jared, just do it. Just switch. Just make the move. Because I do believe the minute I switch, this card will

be pulled on the house of cards that I'm living in, and the whole thing comes crumbling down. So you have anxiety. Yes. From the iPhone switch. And it's only happening because of Apple. Like I would, if I could just keep the phone forever, I would never have to deal with my own insecurity. You know what pisses me off about Apple? What's that?

Every, and this has been proven, but every single time there's a new phone that comes out. Do you notice your battery starts draining a little faster? I notice that. Well, we are Apple's bitch. A hundred percent. We have, the idea that we're operating on this earth. like on our own merits and decisions. No, Apple runs the world.

Yeah. How about every time Apple's like, ah, new charger coming by it, you bitch. Yeah. They could switch chargers and just be like, hey, we need to make an extra billion dollars. Ah, switch the chargers. Apple, because we all go by the Apple clock,

Apple could move time by a minute every month. And night would become day, and day would become night. And we would just be like, yeah, Apple decided. That's what my phone says. It's 3 p.m. Right? It's true.

We set our clocks. We set your watch. Look at your watch is Apple's time. I know. I know. Not yours. You set the time based on that. That is God.

I know. That is scary. It's terrifying. Terrifying. And Apple literally, literally, one second a day. The sun, you'd be like, wow, is it morning already? Yeah, Daddy Apple says it is. Okay, let's move.

I have more. Okay, let's move into amicasse. Omicasse, it's not enough food. It's not enough food. What is omacase? Omicasse is the sushi. You go into sushi place and they're like, we'll take care of you. The chef will keep bringing it out.

And you get like nine different, the average of nine, maybe to 15 if you go to well. And the chef picks it. And they pick it and they put, and they take the art that is, sushi, which I do believe it is art. They make it in front of you and then they place it and then me, the pig, grabs it and eats it in less time than it took them to make it. In like half a second, I throw it in like it's an M&M. And then we get nine courses in and I'm starting to be like, is this going to be it?

Is this all the food we're getting? And that's the problem with Omicasse. They need, I need a ball pit that I'm going to land it. Like I get so afraid of leaving Omacase not full that it ruins the whole experience for me. The whole time I'm sitting there like, is this going to be enough? Is this going to be enough? Do you ever think when you're sitting there, maybe my dad won't ask me how much I weigh again? Do you ever link those two things together?

Those two things are not linked. At all. Even when I eat with my parents. When I eat with my parents, you don't have to. The thing about eating families is that every eating family, and I say it in a special, it is all we do is eat, all we talk about food, and then we are every single day, we are surprised that food has any consequences at all. Like that is an eating family because my mom will go eat, eat.

What are you not eating for? You're not eating? You're sick? You're not eating? And then the minute you're done, Jared. we got to stop eating like this. And you're like, what is going on here? How did this happen?

How did I walk into my own intervention? Like, it's crazy. Like, and, but this is the thing with omicasse is you go along, you eat and you go. And I, my fear of not being full after a dinner, like the fear of going from omicasse to a second dinner just to make sure I don't go, you know, to bed upset, I think every omicasse place should promise you a fried rice finisher. Wouldn't that be nice? I do love a fried rice. Who doesn't love a fried rice? Wouldn't that be? A little extra scrambled eggs in there. Yes. Saulty, delicious. Wouldn't you feel the whole omacase experience would be so much better

if at no point did I believe that I might go home hungry? If I had that fried rice finisher, I'd be like, and they go as much as you want, because you're not going to eat that much. It's not, fried rice is not an expensive item to make, especially if it's vegetable fried rice. You're going to get, so I think for the restaurants, if you promise a fried rice finisher, I think every omacase would be better.

See, I don't come with I've had it. I'm not someone who complains without creating solutions. I come on. I'm a solution-based, I've had a guy. That's how you know I've been on this show many times. I don't just bring it, I've had it. I tell you how we make the world a better place by having armed guards who will remove your grandma from the TSA preline.

You are a conflict resolution guy. That's right. That's me. Yeah. Okay. Let's move on to dog names that are people names. Here's the problem I have with dog names that are people names. At first, when you're introduced to a dog with a person name, you're kind of happy. Like you're like, oh, my God.

Like you're like Ernie, Ernie, the dog. This is the best part of my day. It's whimsical. Yeah. When you meet a hot dog dog named Ernie, you go, wow, I guess life can be good. There couldn't be good days. The issue I have is that when I don't meet the dog first, I was out getting coffee. I hear this woman behind me.

She's going, Charles, Charles, listen to me. And I'm like, oh, good, I'm going to see this kid get yelled at. I was so excited for the show. I'm like, this mom is going to yell at this kid, and I'm going to watch. with my coffee and I'm going to be entertained. This is great. And I turn around. She's talking to a to a doodle. Charles the doodle. And I'm like, what? What is going on? I thought I was going to turn around and see a kid get yelled at. It was going to make my day. Now I'm going to watch Charles. Charles. Charles, the doodle. Are you out of your mind? Because at that point, you've just bought like a pillow that will lick you.

like that will kiss you. You just don't want, like, you're, you're trying to imagine that there could be a Charles out there that you could tell every, that will love you no matter what, and you can tell what to do it all times. Like, to me, it's like, says more about the owner. You're like, oh my God, you needed a Charles in your life that you, that would look you no matter what? I like dog names for dogs.

Like Rufus. My dog's names, I have two French bulldogs. What are they? Tubby. Tubby's a great dog. And then I have cha-ch-chou. great dog two like I would never hear cha cha and then be like well someone's grandmother's getting yelled at no you would know immediately it was a dog yeah and I'd be like oh cool okay there's a dog okay I have a story I want to run by you please um what are people looking for in a significant other and according to this headline pop this up Kylie please they're looking for themselves what is a doppel banger experts unpack if this dating trend is toxic or sexy.

A doppel banger claims that it's a clever way to refer to people who have sex with or date someone who looks very similar to you, sometimes to the point where you look like identical twins. So we have taken the luxury of creating some female doppel bangers for you. Oh, this is going to be, I'm going to want to fuck me every time. Pop it up. Here's, so my type. Had it or hit it? Hit it.

So my type. There's another one. Hang on. Looks a little bit Rosie O'Donnellish. Looks a little bitch. What would you hit? I've been told I look like Rosie O'Donnell from a league of their own. I've gotten that comparison.

Would you hit it? Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah, you know, well, this is, it's funny. Like, listen, my type is woman who debates a GLP because it might make her ass get smaller. Like, that's my type. So, like, and I'm on a GLP one.

I say that because, but I, it's sometimes you think, sometimes it's like good name, like, is the reason we even have a conversation. Doppel banger is a great. It's great. It's great. That's headline. Yeah. But most couples, people generally date someone who looks somewhat like them, like looks like family. Like, that happens.

It doesn't. And also couples end up. up kind of looking like each other. Right. They might not have initially, but then they start looking more and more like each other. Like, for example, my husband and me, when we, 25 years ago, we didn't look alike. But now I see pictures of us and I'm like, you kind of blend into. When your husband belonged together.

Yeah. Like I, if I was to have like, you know, you know those matching game? Yes. Try to find the matching tile pieces. Yeah. You two I would put together. Like my, my girlfriend and I, we look like we, I've had, you know, I just bring to when I've had it. Why are we telling people they look like their, their girlfriend looks like

their sibling? Like, enough. Like, in what world are we dishonest with people? How about you shut the fuck up and let us fucking peace? You know, like, how about you let us go down on each other and feel good about it for two minutes? You know, like, I don't know these people who are like, who would ruin a wet dream walking around this country. But I, I, my parents look like brother and sister. Like, these are, this are just truths, you know, like I, so I, and again, we are comfortable, you know, this is like, this is caveman. Do you think it's toxic? No. I don't either. And especially, it's funny, the headline shows a gay couple making out that looks like, that's the one where, you know, it's funny, like, we don't think of these things until you see it

as a gay couple. And then you go, you're kind of like put to face to face with it in a way you haven't been put face to face with it before. So that's like the one where you have to go, yeah, men people generally feel a sense of safety around someone who looks like them. That's just, that's like caveman shit. Yeah. You know, like, oh, okay, I can, especially like, who do I approach? You know, will I get turned down? Well, I won't. You know, if I think of it from like an animalistic way, you know, you go like, like, would I approach someone? Do I think I have more in common with a woman who has 10 pounds to lose? Yeah. Because I have 50 pounds to lose. So like, I think her and I are going to like love having a fried rice after an omicasse. Like any woman I would

date would hear the omicasse fried rice finisher move and be like, I've been thinking about that my whole life. Do you know what I thought when you said that? What's that? I thought you just can't have both. You either have to have the omicasse. You're skinny. Or you have to have the fried rice. You cannot. Immediately when you said that, I thought, this is so simple for me because I would walk in decide, do I want the sushi or do I want the Fred Rice? But I'm not having both. Because you're well. I am sick. I am. This is the, you know, my, my, you know, if I had another I've had it, people with issues with GLP one. Like, anyone who has an issue with GLP one has never dealt with food issues. Like, right. I'm on a GLP one. I think it's the best drug I have done since cocaine. And I, like, I think it's like a miracle. And the idea that, like, you see comments about cutting corners, like, are you out of your fucking mind? I've been, my brain works twice as hard as your brain when I walk into a coffee shop every time. Like, I walk into a coffee shop.

The idea that my whole life, I have been debating a one ounce creamer because it has 30 calories in it that would make my coffee a hundred percent better. is crazy. The idea of someone putting a creamer in their coffee, I'd be like, oh my God, it would be as if they walked into a room with a gun just starting firing at like Wiley Coyote with like the Osemane Sam. But that is food issues. That is what the GLP1 comes in and cures. I've been thin and exercised my whole life. A majority of its genetics, but my mother, the baby boomer, was taught like eating. She would have always, I'm going to say if I would have said both, you're talking, oh, no, Jennifer, you can't eat like that and keep your figure. You have to

pick one or the other. So I was kind of raised to eat in moderation. But when GLP once came in the market, I remember some of my girlfriends, like, that's bullshit. I can't believe them. I'm like, why do you care if people are able to take a GLP one and look incredible? And I think it's, it's no different from a diet or what about the people who do like the no carbs and all of these crash diets? Like, I think it's an incredible miracle drive. Here's my, here's my, I agree, it's crazy to be against or to even talk shit on. Be judgmental about it. The judgmental part because it's not like a diet.

To me, it's the same thing as ADD medication. Right. So no one, I've never looked at someone on ADD medication and like, oh, what are you cutting corners? Why don't you pay attention? Loseer. Have a little willpower. Like, that's crazy. That would be a crazy thing to say to someone on ADHD.

Or on antidepressants. Antidepressants. Yeah. This isn't, and I think what it gets compared to a lot is like weight loss. Like I went on it, I'm doing my act. So the special is a one hour story. I'm trying to do this like one story. When I do comedy, I only tell stories about myself and I, and they're always true.

That's my rule for comedy. And it's what makes me love doing standup. I tell stories that are true and I make them funnier, but they are true stories. And I only make fun of people I know or I hope to meet. I'm not going to make fun of someone I would never meet. I just don't think that that's to me is like stand up and what makes comedy fun is that there's love in it. And I'm like, I really love the people I make fun of or I have love for them or I could understand them and I can empathize with them. So the first story, the story that's out on Netflix right now is my dad asked me how much I weigh at the beach.

I love it. I was so families would come up to me after the show. I don't do. None of us did this for heroics. We got into this because we all wanted to be told how great we are. it has resulted in people coming out to me being like, that's my dad, that's my mom. And it felt my mom for sure. Totally.

And that to me feels amazing. Totally. I felt so fulfilled in this weird way that I never saw it coming. And I did the show, U.S., Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand. I did it all over the world. Everywhere. Families. So that's why I tell people, I'm like, share it with your mom, share with your dad.

share it with the cousin that you go and smoke weed with during Thanksgiving. Like these are the people that you want to show this special to. The new special, the new hour. So now I'm trying to repeat it. I'm trying to repeat the process of one story, blow it up, make it personal, make it fun. It's about my dad offering me his GLP1. He offered me his OZMP. Which is like, talk about a moment where you're like, do I look horrific?

Like I can't believe I left that. Jared, how much she weigh? Here's my OZIP. Right. They're all in the same theme. But it's a new story with the similar nodes, you know, so this story now about the GLP1. So now I'm doing on the road and I'm going to tape another special where it's going to be about this one story about going at dinner with my parents. And it's like when I talk to people who and then I get off stage, my dad offered me his ossempic.

And I'm like, really? And then one time I was in Arizona and there was I go, my dad offered. I opened the show with the story in the special. I get to it in the middle. I go, my dad offer me as Ozzypic. And I see, it was an older couple, and I see the husband look at his wife and go, and, like, hit her, like, just like push her. He's, like, pointing at her.

And I go, what? Did she do that? And they are dying laughing. They're, like, crying already. Yeah, yeah. And the husband goes, she did that to our son last night. They got in a huge fight. I was, like, so happy because, you know, so much of, like, anger and with your family is just hearing that, like,

no one's, no one's gonna miss that. You know, no one's going without it, you know? And that some of these things are kind of universal. Because at the crux of it, it's a sensitive issue weight because obviously being overweight is a health risk, right? And food can be an addiction. Again, 10% right. Right.

You know, when you say to someone, hey, I'm worried about you. Right. It's offensive and it's care. That's why like a lot of people get shit for. like online commenters, that's what they do. They try to stay in the morality zone. Right, right. I'm trying to help your health.

No, you're not. You're being a piece of shit. You don't know me. Right. When it's your parents, and everyone has insecurities that their parents pick on. Like, they're not just weight. But there's just no question.

Like with GOP ones and the benefits of the science is coming in more and more and more. And they're incredible. And if you have a child that needs to lose weight, you're going to say, hey, here's an option. Try these GLP ones with exercise. If you have a child that is an alcoholic, you're going to say, we might need to send you to rehab. Right.

If you have a child that has high cholesterol, you know what I mean? Totally. And it's, you know, there's no good way to say that. No. You know, there's no, you know, parents and kids, it's just you care. Listen, my whole life is my parents giving me their opinions with no expertise whatsoever. And I have, but it does come with love. Yeah.

So it's, it's, I just think it's like the beautiful part about complaining about them. You know, like they, and my parents brought their friends. I remember I did the show at the comedy cellar. I was like, start to do this material. The staff was like, have they, and I brought my parents. And the staff that works there is friends of mine, like family. And they go, your parents are here? Have they seen the set?

And I go, they fucking lived it. What do you fuck? And I didn't understand it. Then I go on stage. I sit my parents in like the jump seats at the comedy cellar. And I'm going into stuff about my mom. and I'm telling the stories and my mom stands up

and goes, no, no! And she's trying to debate me on these stories, which we still know. During your life show. Oh my God. And like the staff is like looking at both of us

and I'm like, that's my mom, everybody. Okay, I want to shift gears quickly. There was a game show when I was growing up, a kid of the 80s called Name That Tune. I know Name That Tune. Okay.

We're going to start a game here and I've had it called Name That Loon. Okay, let's hear it. And so Kylie's going to play somebody's voice, and I'm going to see if you can name it. All right. Kylie, what's the first one? Can Santa see in the dark? What?

Try it again. Give it one more shot. Does he wears night vision goggles? This is a layup. It's got to be... This is a fucking layup. Is it a... What's her name?

The first lady? Yes. The accent gave it away. Does Santa? See in the Dark. The Santa See in the Dark. That's great. Great merch.

Uh-huh. The Santa See in the Dark, I would wear that on a T-shirt. That's a great, like, beat drop for a DJ. You know, wouldn't you hear that, like an Ibiza? The Santa See in the Dark. Santa, see in the dark. Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa. Santa, Santa, Santa.

And let the beat drop. Okay, Kylie, play the next one. Okay, you got that right. to snort cocaine off a toilet seats. I mean, RFK's voice is like,

it's one of those voices that you just, you're like, you know what RFK's voice kind of reminds me of? You ever get on an escalator that's broken? Yeah.

You have that first moment where you're like, this should be moving. Yeah. Right? It's just like that first moment where you're like, I don't like how this all feels.

Yes. That's how his voice feels to me. Like, I'm like, just fix it. Fascinating. that he's getting into podcasting, don't you think? I don't know. I mean, if it's got to be, that's like kinks.

You know, you go, I'm happy for the person who likes it. Like, if he's getting into podcasting, there's someone that's like, I don't know what that voice does for me. Like, to listen to that for an hour, no matter what your feelings are, you have to like, like the voice a little bit. Like I have to. I mean, like, the worst, the most annoying response on social media is the voice. And you're like, okay, like, that's nothing.

It's my voice. I don't know what I can do for you. But for him, you go, I'm actually like overwhelmed with joy that there's someone out there that's like, because I think a lot of like, you know, your sexuality sneaks up on you. You know, you go, oh, I guess I'm into that. And you go, so there's someone out there that heard RFK's voice the first time. I was like, I don't know why I'm into it. And now they're getting a whole podcast. Good for them.

Okay. Play the next one. rest now brother we have the watch and i'll see you in valhalla that's got to be heggseth close because he's the only one i would know to use the word valhalla other than thor in the avengers you were so close am i think uh think cross-eyed that's your hint cross-eyed oh is that the uh the the the financial guy no no is it yosemite sam Cash Patel. Oh, cash money.

Cash Patel. Cash Patel. The Valhalla thing, that is a, you know, sometimes people use words that are like tough guy words. Yeah. You know, tough guy words, I always clock that because it's a good, like if someone, that's a good, like, way for me. I like things that let me know I shouldn't talk to you at a party.

You know what I mean? Like anyone uses the word Valhalla. I'm like, oh, great flag. No. No. You do CrossFit. You like a run club. We're not going to get along. Okay. You know, like, I sometimes I talk to someone about something and I'm like, oh, we just, we're not going to connect. Like, I'll see you in Valhalla. I'm like, okay, good, cool. I don't think you and I are going to have a fun conversation about spare ribs. What? And how they should be well done if you get them as an appetizer and cut them short and that will be a lot better.

So if R of K Jr. said this, that would be a double. That would be a... Well, it would be the voice combined with Valhalla. And then you... I don't know if it's like a double negative. You know, two negatives become a positive. Maybe I come my pants. I don't know.

Again, your sexuality jumps up on you. You don't know what's coming. Okay. And then the last one, name that land. Stop. Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with a brand new addition. Is that...

Oh, I thought we were finishing the song. I know that song. Do we have any more of her? That's it. That's all I have to say. Stop. Stop. That's the voice I imagine every internet commenter has.

That's it. I'm okay. I guess we agree to disagree. That's it. I'm okay. That's Erica Kirk. Erica. Oh, yes.

Our best professional wrestler. She loves an entry. She said all of that stuff when she was dressed like a sniper. I don't know if you saw. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. I did the copy. I did it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. All of this makes me laugh. You know, you go. It would be so hilarious if these people were entertainers. Yeah, well. America is.

Some of the others here were, are, have levers of power. At this point, everyone's an entertainer. Like, my dentist has to make TikToks. you know, like I, you kind of have this moment where you're like, I can't believe we're all going on TikTok like, hey. And if you need a therapist, you could come to the dancing therapist. You know, like we are moving towards like, you know, there was a time when I would walk. I remember there was a time where boxers used to paint ads on their back. It was like, I remember when that first happened.

Yeah. And it was like this big story on ESP. end that like boxers were going to have. I can't remember the name of the company that did it, but they would do like Hena tattoos on a boxer's back to be an ad. And you're like, oh my God, we're turning, you know, that's what a race car would look like. You know, like the race car is full of a million ads.

And you'd be like, oh, that's kind of weird putting the ads on people like they're a race car. And now everything is moving towards that. Everyone has a promo code. Like if you share your blouse from. today on social media, you could put a link that gets you a little, that graces. Yeah, a little kickback. And it's weird. You know, it is interesting that we are, like, even the, like, not everyone wanted to be an entrepreneur. I can't remember who said this, but I think

it's the best idea I've ever heard is that we should make our politicians wear sponsor patches on their suits. Yeah, I like a promo code to get 10% off. No, we need to know who sponsors them. Like if it's, you know, big oil, big pharma, I think they need to wear who, who funds them. Right. Well, if they could give me 10% off of my GLP1, that'd be nice. Like, if I could just hit a, if I could do a little, like a QR code. Vote for me for president and to lose weight. Well, and use my QR code.

Use my QR code. And when you go to Costco, you'll get 10% off and we'll go over you. I'm like, I'm like, I'm, like, I'm. listening. At the end of this speech, you can take a picture of a QR code to get 10% off your pharmaceuticals. All right. Now, at least we're getting something out of that. Right? I'm an ideas guy. You are. Conflict, conflict resolution. You know this about me. I've come on this show. I know. I love it. Come on here to just complain. Like, I have a lot of complaints, but I don't just come up with a problem. You've thought them through. I got solutions. Yeah. I got, you know,

And I'm here to negotiate. That's the thing. I don't like when someone just brings up a problem and then goes, they're evil. Like our ice cream store that we just started is incredible. Yeah, we got to give it a name called Hurry the Fuck Up. Welcome to Hurry the Fuck Up Ice Cream. Yeah, exactly.

All right, Jared, we've been talking about it, but tell them where to find you, to find your show, and please go watch it. All I want is for them to go on Netflix. and watch the special because this is how proud. I know it's good. It's my proudest work. I know it's a and it's all with love. And it's like I say that and I'm like you could,

and I want you to share it. And I'm saying this because I want to come back to your town and I want to do standup in your town. The goal of doing stand up is to do more standup. Like all this stuff that we do, I love talking to you, all the podcasts. It's all so that people come to a live show and have fun

and enjoy a night out with their friends and family. family. And this special is the best version of me. Like, I'm not putting out something I'm not proud of. I am so proud of it. And I'm proud to be here with you. So it means a lot to have our friendship over the years. Totally. I'm going to watch it tonight. And I'm going to text you after I do. Text me after the special and let me know who you thought of. I mean, my mom saving beach chairs. Like that my mom goes to the beach at 3 a.m. and saves beach chairs. It's like stuff like that is like so my mom, then I'm like every show, I'd have some woman come up to me. I'm the beach chairwoman. I'm going to watch it tonight. And you, viewer, listener, go watch my good friend Jared

Fried. He's so proud of this. And I love it. I love it. All right. Thanks for coming on. Thank you for having me.