I've Had It - Male Vanity and Green Text Bubbles

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Pumps has had it with Jennifer's psycho-dialing and Josh Welch stops by the studio to discuss sea salt spray, eye serum and frankly, how he's never looked better.  Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Josh Welch: @joshwelch_

These days, I do all my shopping online. Close books, outfits for my dog, I love it. Then I thought, why not get my groceries delivered too? So I downloaded the Instacard app and, sure enough, it has all my favorite stores. Macy's, Lins, Fresh Market, Dan's Dicks, everything I need delivered right to my door. Oh, the dog treats are here.

Download the Instacard app or visit Instacard.com to get free delivery on your first order. Offer valid for a limited time, minimum order $10, additional terms apply. Pups! How are you today? I'm great except for the allergies. Yeah, I have like the worst eye backs in history. You're still beautiful. You're such a bitch. I mean it. I can tell by that voice you don't mean it. I mean it.

That's your patronizing voice. Is that how terrible of a person I am that when I pay you a compliment, you don't believe it's actually here. It's not just how terrible you are. It's even worse than terrible. Wow. So why don't you start off with what you've had it with this week. What I've had it with this week is people that break through you do not disturb. Why don't you tell them? So I think you're talking about on your phone, you can click do not disturb right. And you put that setting on. Yeah. And then what happens, around 5 a.m., 515 a.m.? My phone starts blaring and vibrating all at the same time. And it's 100% of the time. It's you.

So, audience, here's a little life hack. If somebody's do not disturb his on, if you just immediately start the psychodial, Apple thinks it's an emergency, which it clearly is. Clearly. And it will start ringing. So, do not disturb sign, you can actually break through. You have to psychodile. I psychodile pumps. So, do you want to know what I've had it with? What have you had it with? Android phones. Do you want to know why? I know exactly why. Because you got a group text going.

Yep, everything's fucking fantastic. It's blue, it's blue. You can share things, everything's going great. Switch and you go to a different group text. And there's always somebody that's got the fucking Android. Yes, I agree. And it ruins everything. It ruins all of the group text communication. In our neighborhood we

have a little group text we do we have one holdout on an Android. Mary to an Apple user whenever we make plans and need him we have to do a separate whole other group text because you can't just normally group text someone with the droid. You have to do a separate text. Do you think these Android users know how bad they're fucking everything up? I just don't even know why you'd have an Android in the age of Apple. Just get an iPhone.

Just get a fucking iPhone like a normal person. Welcome to I've had it podcast. I am Jennifer and Pumps. You said it. I said it. I can't believe I said it. Oh my God. This is just how old age is. You said it. I said it. I can't believe I said it. Oh my God. This is just how old age is.

Oh my God. That is wonderful. Well, I want to talk about something that I think is fascinating. Okay. You and I could be at dinner. And we were at dinner one night at that Italian restaurant over in my neighborhood when your friend came in town. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're sitting there, you're a cross for me.

Yes. And this man walks into the restaurant and I look over and I immediately know that you are gonna eye him up and down. Right. I know that you're gonna study it. I know that your jaw's gonna kinda be on the floor. I know because audience,

let me tell you what this guy looked like. Incredibly manicured. I mean, like, painfully manicured. It was ridiculous. I mean, like, had on a clown, had on a non-sample, like leather jacket with studs, the whole nine, the sideburns with the hat, with the glasses. Like, you could tell he stared in the mirror

for like 45 minutes before he went up to the neighborhood attacking restaurant. Right. I was just so over the top too much. I could not take my eyes off of it because I was like, what the fuck is wrong with him? So as he walks in, I immediately know that pumps is going to lose her shit. So I, I'm like, you know, you see these guys all the time, I immediately divert because I know that you're going to be just completely eye-fucking him, not in the sense that you want to have sex with him, but just you are not going to take your eyes off of him because you had to study each individual outfit choice. He was like the fat lady in the tent at the fair. Like there was so much going on there.

It was like a train wreck, but I couldn't take my eyes off of it. The purpose of our podcast is to completely examine and analyze the data that is given to us each and every day when we face other human beings, right? Anyone that's not asked. In a lot of the things that we like to study, or maybe men are not supposed to care about their appearance, but a lot of men do. Right. And I don't think that's a bad thing.

No, I don't either. But there's degrees. Okay. Like, I will say this, I admire the put togetherness that a gay man has. You can never look bad if you're a gay man. It's just inherently you look fabulous. Their shit is tight. They have it buttoned up.

The hair looks good, the complexion looks good, the outfits fantastic, not a wrinkle. Great belt choices, great accessories. They have that shit down. And so then you, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you're gonna have just Joe Blow that lives in suburban America or maybe rural America that doesn't give a fuck, kind of fluffed up, put on some way, very unkempt, bad outfit

choices. And then in the middle of the gay and then just the train wreck, you're going to have the European metrosexual man, the perfect combination for a straight guy. That's right. A man who cares about his appearance wants to be pulled together and look great, but I think there's a lot of humor and comedy in male vanity, absolutely, that we need to explore. So we're going to have a guest. And I was thinking like, who should we have as our guest to discuss male vanity? Who do we know that spends an inordinate amount

of time and many visualizing what outfits he's going to wear for the day, what how many times he's going to get his haircut, where he's gonna get his haircut. And I don't think there's a better person that we can interview to discuss the trials and tribulations that is male vanity. That's my baby daddy, partner, love of my life. Motherfucking Josh Welch, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely, he's perfect.

Josh, welcome. Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming over. Thanks for coming over. So excited to be here today. So excited. Welcome to I've had it podcast. I just want to let you in on something.

Today, our topic is male vanity and the journey of the metrosexual male. And we thought that you would be a fantastic guest. Wow. Wow. We don't think it's a bad thing. No. Okay. So this is positive.

It's positive. This is a podcast about positivity. Okay. Perfect. Perfect. I fit right in. So, Josh, will you share with our listeners? Like, let's say it's a Sunday night. And Monday, you're going to go go you're going to go to work and then

you're going to go play pickleball in the afternoon and then after pickleball we're going to go to a light dinner with just the two of us because we don't have any friends. Exactly. So the day before how much prior to these events do you think and envision your outfit choices? How much prior to these events do you think and envision your outfit choices? Well, let's start the night before. Okay. Because that's where it all begins. Okay.

So I'll go to the closet. Right. The side which suit I'm gonna wear. Because I'm working in a law firm now for some excellent lawyers. I'm gonna see what suit I wear. I'm gonna match that with the time. I'm gonna lay it out.

I'm gonna pull the socks from the sock drawer. And then I'll set all of that together so that when I wake out, I'm going to pull the socks from the sock drawer, and then I'll set all of that together so that when I wake up, I'm ready to go. So I think about it a lot during the night. Very rarely will I ever change, for example, a tie selection. If I pick it the night before it's firm for the next day. It's firm. OK, I have a question.

OK. How many suits would you say that you have in your selection? That's a real source bot for me right now because I'm just recently working back in law. So I haven't worn suits on a daily basis for 10 years. Right. So I only have three and I really hate to even say that out loud because now people that see me are going to say, hey, I guarantee he's worn that suit again this week and a half. But so I only have three and it's really painful to have to admit because in their all black, I have this thing to wear. Only wear black suits with black ties.

Are you trying to be Rachel Maddow or what? No. I never felt like I'd dressed appropriately for funerals. And so, I never did. How many funerals do you go to? I hardly ever go to any. Okay, so then you just say that you're putting a ban on funerals? I am, but I wanna look like I'm going to the funeral.

Like look serious like that. Anasal Roger Federer, he was at Wimbledon. Now we're getting at the bottom of it, right? He was wearing a black suit and a black tie. And I thought what a classic look. And you can wear it to a funeral, you can wear it to a courtroom, you can wear it to dinner. You can wear it to center court at Wimbledon. Center court Wimbledon.

So I don't want the Navy, I don't want the tan, I don't want burgundy, I don't want any of that shit. I just want a black suit. I noticed a couple of days ago and I didn't want to tell you this at the time because if I say one thing about your outfit in the moment, I know the tailspin that it can send you on for your entire day. But you had on kind of, it was like a yellowish, mustard, metallic look and tie. I did.

But I thought was a very interesting choice. I tried to vary the color of the tie a little bit. I mean, I can't just feel good about it. I kind of like that tie. Okay. I do. I mean it's not one of my favorites. But so back to the original question. We get to talk about black ties until you lose every single viewer and listener that you have. So as long as we're talking about what you're wearing.

Exactly. So we don't want to do that. So my attire and how important it is to me starts the night before and then I wake up and take a shower, put on what I'm going to wear and then I think if I'm playing pickleball that day what am I going to wear for pickleball. So then I'll pick that outfit out. After pickleball then there's what I call loungewear. That's for when I get back in shower and I'm just going to lounge around the house with Jennifer and we're going to get take out and be together. For that, I normally do a pair of cotton j-crew shorts, maybe some James purse bottoms that are real nice Pima cotton.

I do a real soft t-shirt for that too. I want the listener and pops to know that sometimes he puts on the lounge wear outfit, mind you the only people that are seeing it, or me, or youngest son Roman, the child that we still have that remains at home, and the French bulldox. He'll put on his lounge wear outfit and I'll see it. And then three or four minutes later he disappears and he's done a costume change in lounge wear. On the lounge wear.

Lounge wear because I look in the mirror and for some reason I don't like how it looks even though I know that not one fucking person is going to see me other than Roman or Jennifer. It's important to me that I feel good. So I may change the shirt. I may change the shirt. He does a costume, like a pajama costume. Can you hang it up again, or do you put it in the dirty clothes? I'll fold it, no, I'll fold it. It's only been on for a short period of time. We could be on a trip, let's say we're in London.

And it's 8 p.m. and we're starting to get into bed. We got a bed early, wake up early. And he will look over at me and he'll be like, what are you gonna wear tomorrow? And I over at me and he'll be like, what are you going to wear tomorrow? And I look at him and I'm like, I have no idea. And he said, what are your options? I go, well, whatever I brought in the suitcase, he goes, well, you need to be thinking about your outfit. Do you want to know what I'm going to wear? And he knows it. And then if he puts on his outfit, and he'll say, hey, what do you think of this? If I don't react positively with

a huge effusive smile immediately, that motherfucker will go change outfits. If there is anything that he thinks about the outfit that is not taking it over the finish line that's not going to be this big, uh-huh moment for all of these strangers to see him in. And by the way, I knocked it out of the park the last trip to New York and London. I have no doubt. But let me say a side. Well, hold on, I gotta say something to Jennifer.

You know I love you. But you are the worst. Like, I have to be team Josh on this. Your face gives everything away. Yeah, so it gives me the side eye on this. Oh, you're wearing that tonight. And you're an up and downer. If I walk in, I had these white pants on another day,

I had a camel toe, which I didn't know. Oh my gosh. I can't. I don't know about that. This is how she's doing. She's looking, like, she never makes eye contact. She's looking straight at my crotch. And I get, do I have a camel toe?

She's like, yes, it looks terrible. Let me ask you this. A a camel? Is it a camel's toe? Camel toe. Right, but does the camel's toe look like what the jeans? Yes. Yes. Yes, exactly what Angie looked like in white jeans. It looked like a white camel toe. So she comes in. I mean, it is a very well-defined camel toe. She comes in, she trots in, and she's like,

hi, Jenny, how are you? And I mean, it was so obvious I couldn't take my eyes off and I'm not even agreeing. Apparently I'm the asshole. But I was the one, but I will say this. I am terrible. Okay, I am a horrible person about, I have no poker face.

None. None. I mean, I completely have to check out outfits, look things up and down, and I wear my emotions about it. I have tried to bring self-awareness to this. I've been trying for years, I can't do it. You have a high probability to get camel toe. Yeah, I just don't know.

You need to be on camel toe alerts at all times. At all times, when you stand up, when you sit down, you need to look at your twat, see if there's a camel toe. You need to be vigilant. You need to do five kind of bending exercises in the mirror. In the mirror, if you pass all of those,

you can then leave the house in that particular period. You need to be vigilant about camel toe prevention. All right, because I have had it with your camel toe. Let's move on to your hair. Perfect. Speaking of perfect, I mean, the perfect conversation. Couldn't transition better if I tried. Tell us about your theory, about how blessed you are, what a blessed blessing it is to have the type of hair and the head of hair that you have at 53 years old.

Well, let me start by saying this. I'm very, very ashamed that for years I filmed a show on national television and wore this fucking ponytail on the top of my head that look like bam-bam from the Flintstones and that YouTube allowed it to happen. And I go back and I'll see an excerpt or rerun or I'll Google myself. Oh. And when I do that, I see this glob of, I don't know what. And I'm like, why did that happen? How did you girls let me wear my hair like that?

I didn't mean it. I don't know. I want everyone to know that the entire time you did the whole bam bam, you asked me to put it up and I said no, I won't do it. It was, it was a knot on top of my head. I look like a sumo wrestler. There's one image that you see if you Google me where I'm getting cool sculpting. And I've got circles around my boobs

and I've got my hair pulled out. And I look like a fucking serial killer that's been released on a weekend jail spree. But let's talk about how you have evolved. Well, I was building up to that. So that's where I was four or five years ago. Right. And for those of you that are watching.

Would you call that rock bottom? Absolutely. Hair rock bottom. The only thing that may have matched it was the hair and my fifth drug treatment center. But that's for another story. For those of you that are looking now at me, you're probably thinking, fuck, what has happened to this man? That is not the same person I watched in 2019. What did he do to make himself look so damn good? And here's what I did. I want to be crystal clear about this. Number one, I lost some weight, and then I realized, looking in the mirror, that that god-awful, massive fucking hair I had on my head looked horrible,

looked horrific, that it was a wonder that Jennifer stayed with me. Not just during the relapses, I'm more concerned about the hairdo, that I mean the relapses are nothing but to relapse and have that hairdo and still be able to maintain your marriage is the most impressive thing about me yet. I didn't think that in the moment I didn't think it was bad. I did. The man bend. I did.

Here's the thing. I didn't think it was that bad until I saw just how fucking good this hairdo. Now this is your bad. And that's what showed me how bad it was because now I look at myself and it's incredible. Audience, my husband has a photo album in his phone and it is labeled hair and you pull it up and you go through a series of Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper and Tom Brady. This is what I'm up against. I want to say that recently I've added George Clooney.

Do you want to know what he asked me, Dead Serious last week? Oh God. We're in the bathroom getting ready, and we both weigh ourselves a couple of times a week. Josh hops on the scale, weighs himself, and he gets, God, this is fantastic, because he was his gold weight.

And he looks at me, Dead Serious Straight Face. And he said, do you think if I hopped on that scale with a full erection, I would weigh more? Hahaha. Hahaha. Well, absolutely. At least I think the blood is still all in the body,

regardless of where it is. I think there's, I don't want to say three to four pounds, but maybe one to two pounds. I want to segue on to. Perfect. Josh, how do you feel about other human beings, friendships and bro time? Well, I think that there's a lot of unnecessary interaction between people that are best friends, between people that are in the same family. So recently you received some texts, some group texts, people telling you

what a great friend you were, and how happy they were that they had you in their lives. And yeah, and. And how did you feel when you received those texts? Let me say I've received a couple of texts that I found interesting. One was in a group of 20 plus people and it was typed in a way that the person was saying, hey, we're all getting older, things are happening.

I want everybody in this thread to know that I love them. Something like that. Something like that. Just super, super sweet. It made me wonder, hey, is this person sick? Is everything okay? But anyway, and the second text was from someone who I think is a very, very sweet person. And I would say that we're friends, acquaintances friends, but I got a text from him thanking me for our friendship. And it made me think maybe I was one of about 30 people that he sent it to and that he

just there was a copy and paste or something because it wasn't a group. It was an individual text. And how frequently do you talk to this person other than the Thanksgiving day text? How many times per year? How many communications? As far as phone conversations, zero. Is it safe to say that you've had it with unnecessary interactions? I've had it with unnecessary interactions, but more importantly, I've had it with these

gatherings of people, even if they're best friends, I've had it. I don't want to brunch, I don't want to buffet, I don't want to dinner, I don't want a small group, I don't want any kind of road trip, I just don't want any of that. What about, okay, just for an example, let's say this 20 individual group text, I love you guys, I want you to know it's all great. You're so great to the whole group. But then said in the same text, Joss, I want you to know your hair is so fantastic. Then I would want to be in the group a lot more. And I would do a psycho research analysis on who all is in this group and who's phone numbers are these. So, listener, I want you to think about all of the products that you have in your personal

homes right now, for your hair, for your teeth, for your skin. And then I want you to multiply those products times about 500. And you might be in the ballpark of how many products it takes for Josh Welch to make himself look this good. That's right. That's 100% right. Why don't you share with the listener your beauty regimen and your shopping tips for great products. It starts in the shower.

I have a facial cleanser that I use. I have a different body wash that I use. So the face wash and the body wash are divided. Divide it. They're separate things. Yeah, they're not part of the same thing. I have... Not for all men.

I have a shampoo. I have a shampoo and I have a conditioner. Once I get out of the shower my big thing right now that I'm really excited about are different types of serums. S-E-R-U-M-S for the listener's serums. There's all these sort of anti-aging oxidants involved in these serums. How many different types of sea salt spray do we have at our house right now? I think I have about between 15 and 18.

Yeah. Hahaha. And what's the sea salt supposed to do? Oh, he's obsessed with it. It makes your hair feel like you've been swimming in the ocean. It gives it texture, makes it feel firm. Like, you see my hair right now, how it's kind of firm and it just feels crisp. Let me feel it. That was kind of death. Would you rather go on a trip with Dylan and Roman and me,

but not a big time trip. We're talking to Dallas overnight, but the four of us in the car haven't found lots of family bonding. Or you could fly solo to New York to David Mallet, Salon, and get a haircut by Vincent and come back all by yourself. Well, I mean. Tell the truth, true serum polygraph.

You know, you brought the kids into it. Someone fear. Yeah, you could have just said you and it's playing dumb. She bring the goddamn kids into it. It just ruins the whole thing. Because then, you know, no one's going to be that asshole, right? I mean, I've been trying my whole life not to be that guy. Right. But thank you. You go to get your hair coat Vincent. We've gotten through the 15 to 18 sea salt sprays in our house right now, but let's move on to the colon. Josh and I were in New York.

This is before our second son was born. This probably 2005. We went to the US Open, the tennis tournament. Josh and I are on the elevator together, but we're standing on opposite sides of it. This guy gets on the elevator, joins us, but he can't tell that we're together because I'm on one side, Josh is on the other. Josh is getting off on like the second floor to go talk to the concierge, and I'm going down to the first floor to get a taxi. So Josh hops off, Josh and I don't say a word to each other. He gets off, we had already pre-iscussed what we were going to do. After Josh hops off the elevator on the second floor and I'm alone with the stranger for the ride from the second to the first. And the guy looks at me and he goes, God, you think that guy had an enough call?

I immediately act like I don't know Josh. Of course. And I go, oh, I know that was terrible. Through him, under the bus immediately. So fast, it was. I couldn't know, John. And I go, oh, I know. That was terrible. Through him under the bus immediately. So fast. I couldn't defend it. I wasn't going to be like, hey, that's my man. It was bad.

It was. I was immediately like, I know it's the worst. She did. I threw him under the bus immediately. And it was bad. Because it is colon abuse. In small quarters like that, it's not. Let me tell you what happened to me the other day.

We're getting ready and he gets the aerosol version of the sea salt spray and he sprays so much God damn sea salt spray and the bathroom door is closed and there's just aerosol everywhere I get some of it like lodged in my throat and I'm like I'm just hacking. How can I go? What the fuck did you just spray? And he's like it's my sea salt spray But for Josh like one as good 70 is better. Right. That's the personality type that we're dealing with here.

It's like, for example, this is my good friend from college. He's to say this all the time. Josh, you're the kind of guy that when you walk into a room, if you're hot and you want it cold, you take it from 72 down to 60. You don't do 72 to 68 or 72 to 70. It goes all the way to 60. Sixth, accelerator?

Exactly. That's right. I'm still learning, obviously. So if anyone meets me and you smell a note or I'm trying to do better, but overall, if you want to go to the YouTube channel just to see what I look like, I think you're gonna see a vast improvement

from what I used to look like. I'm sure. I'm just, I'm really glad that, you know, with the five rehab stents and various other failures in your life, that the one thing that you have kept intact is your self-esteem and self-confidence and narcissism. I mean, that is really commendable. I use humor as a way sometimes to laugh instead of cry, but it has been an intense journey for me and my family, and friends, and I love each one of you dearly. I love my children.

Except for the testers. Well, I love the textures of you dearly. I love my children dearly. Is that for the testers? Well, I love the textures. You just don't understand. I just, you know, I just, I'm not there with it, but I'm starting to be. I'm trying to be open-minded. I have had it. I want to say, Josh, thank you so much.

Thank you, ladies. We're be joining us and we love you and make sure, if you want to follow Josh, it's at Josh Welch underscore on Instagram and Make sure you like and subscribe to our podcast pumps. What do you say? We will see you next Tuesday I'm happy with that. I've had it Had it had it had it All I can say about that is I've had it. Had it. Had it. Had it. All I can say about that is, I'm had it.