I've Had It - Poodles Are Really Getting Laid with Heather McMahan

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Today Jennifer and Pumps are joined by the hilarious, actress and comedian Heather McMahan. Heather has had it with "limp dick" handshakes, Jennifer gets hoodwinked into being a good person on a recent flight to New York and Pumps drops some dirty details from a divorce drama. Thank you to our sponsors: Bright Cellars: For a limited time, listeners get $100 off their first six bottle box by going to Brightcellars.com/ivehadit ZocDoc: Go to Zocdoc.com/IVEHADIT and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Heather McMahan: @heatherkmcmahan

So we supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. Ah, that was bad. Terrible. One, two, three. Much better. Better. I got a clap off.

It's a clap off. Clap off with pumps. Pumps, what have you had it with? Well, Ginny, what I've had it with. Again, goes back to what's going on in Florida. Uh-oh. So I was reading that a fifth grade teacher showed a Disney movie, which one? Strange world, okay. During the movie, like not even a big deal, one of the male characters expresses feelings for another male character, and parents are going to the school board,

feelings for another male character and parents are going to the school board saying it violates the Don't Say Gay Bill in Florida, which feckers just because you're not saying it doesn't mean people are not gay. Just for the permanent record. For the permanent record, just not saying it doesn't make it go away. Correct. So this teacher is in all kinds of hot water, may lose her job because of the small little plot in a movie where one character expressed his feelings to another character of the same sex and that just makes me want to take a kamikaze and just throw it at the whole state. And I know there are great people in Florida that hate it. Yes, yes. But I mean, these fuckers like nobody wants to read any of these band books and tell their fucking band. Right. There's going to be a run on the band books. You can't have them at libraries. Guess what? Everybody has a fucking iPhone. So shut the fuck up

in Florida. Quit fucking micromanaging everything. And actin' like you're so great because you don't have gay people or liberal people. What I have to tell you is you have just as many as everybody else. You're just fuckin' dickheads about it. Well, and have they not ever been to Miami? Well, I mean, it's apparently not much.

Huge gay scene in Miami. They act like this is a choice. Like sexuality is a choice. And when you are teaching your children that they can't read, look at or see gay people, you're teaching your children to be judgmental assholes. You're putting shame upon people for no reason. It's like assholes in training.

For sure. And instead, this is an opportunity to teach tolerance and acceptance. And I mean, it's that fucker down there in Florida. He's always out there grandstaining, but here's what's funny about him. Short. Short. And then he wears these lifts. So he can even be considered heels.

Those could be heels. Exactly. So maybe he wears these lifts. So he can even be considered heels. Those could be heels. Exactly. So maybe he does protest too much. So Florida, the liberal progressive-minded Floridians, we like you. We like you. The rest of y'all can go suck a bag of dicks. I mean, that is a triple down. I mean, I have just had it every day.

It's something else. She has had it. Again, I'm glad it's not us making news because Oklahoma usually is for the most judgmental, stupid, ignorant ass shit because of our politicians. Yes. Okay, so let me tell you recently a flutus Syracuse. Yes, I did.

To go pack my oldest child up as he completed a sophomore year as they sang in the UK at university at university and I had to take two flights to get there so on my first flight I'm in a great mood I get to go see my son so exciting I get on the plane and I sit down in my window seat and And I see this couple walk on, they're probably 75 to 80, adorable, holding hands kind of giggling. And I thought to myself, they are so adorable that they still have

that kind of chemistry all these years later. And then they get to my row. And he says, okay, honey, I'll be right behind you. And they kiss. And then she goes to sit down next to me. And this is where I had a relapse to end all relapses. Okay. I volunteer.

Oh! I volunteer. I look at the man. And I say, I'll trade you seats. So you can sit next to your wife. Aren't you precious? That's really nice. And they say, oh, that is so kind of you.

That is so nice. So I get up feeling like I am the humanitarian of the year. Profile encouraged always thinking of others. Nobel Peace Prize, Miss Selfless of all selflessness. I feel like I don't even identify as the host of this podcasting that nice. Right. So as I go out of the row to switch with him, he looks at me and winks and says, there's a baby sitting next to me. Pats me on the arm, giggles and sits down.

Oh, he just bit you over and knew it. He fucked me so hard. And winked at me to which I'm sitting there saying, no good deed goes unpunished. It never fails. I relapsed. I relapsed from this. I've had it.

I'm going to have, I'm not tolerating this shit. I completely relapsed and tried to do a kind thing. You were rainbows and unicorn girls. A gesture of kindness in this 75 year old savage fucked me and he knew he did. He knew he did. That's the thing. He knew it and giggled. So I sit down and there's this poor mom,

which I've been a young mom, with probably about a 10 month old-old on a plane before. And the baby is very restless. So I just put in my ear pods and I'm like, I'm just gonna ignore the baby. Right. So I drink some water and then I put my cap down and the baby wants the cap.

So I slam the water, wipe my germs off the cap and I give the baby the cup for the baby to mess with the cup. Well, then the baby decides he's thirsty. So she's breastfeeding, which is a normal act, right? So she puts him under this like schmock or smock whatever they are breastfeeding smock. And the baby starts wanting to play peekaboo with me. With the smoke. With the tit, yeah, tit running, milk running from the tit, milk on the baby's face.

It just goes from bad to worse. And all I can think about is this fucking beast mode savage senior citizen that fucked me to the ends of the earth. He did. I mean, he just took you. And how much I kind of admiring. Right. Like I wish I would have said they're're thinking I've admiration for what he just

did. Right. He didn't say, Oh, no, honey, there's a baby sitting here. Right. He totally wrote me in. Anyway, I was really nice to the baby. Really nice. At this point, I'd relapsed so hard for my default character setting of being a dick that I just was nice to the baby, super helpful with the mom. At the end of the flight, she praised me. Thank you so much for being so kind. I said, you're very welcome. And meanwhile, I'm just eagle-ing. Right. I mean, just death stare to the man. He gets up chuckles again. That's the best part. As we exit the aircraft. So let me just tell you something, listener that I've learned.

We have this notion, you know, that senior citizens as they age are, you know, gonna be kinder and gentler. They're fucking not, they're more cynical. They are. I mean, I'll tell you what, I got my ass beat on the pickleball court as I told the listeners earlier by like two 75 year olds once.

You cannot underestimate this generation even after their Facebook posts. Okay, I just wanna go back to one comment. Okay, let's do. I'm so proud of you for just staying with the character that the people on the plane thought you were. I did. They thought you were misfriendly, miscongeniality of Delta Airlines. Here she is. Here she is. It was an Academy Award winning. Act of kindness. Right. I'm telling you, I won that Oscar.

Yeah. I delivered it, even cold-hearted assholes, such as myself, have massive moments. Glimpses of kindness. Oh, I'm gonna say, Glimpses is probably a better word. Glimpses of kindness. Okay. Welcome, listener, to I've had it podcast.

I am Jennifer. I am Angie. And we call her Pumps. And she is the Princess Diana of podcasting. She is the star of our show. And we love her so much. Thank you Jessica. Oh, fuck you.

I'm going to start, they start calling you pimps. I'm going to start calling you pimps. Pimp's because I'm pimp daddy. Uh-huh, that's right. We have Kylie here. We have Richard here. Kylie, let's do a check-in on some social media feedback from all of our devoted and loving fans.

Okay, I've got a comment from Andrea. Jennifer is the star. She is ruthless. and loving fans. Okay, I've got a comment from Andrea. Jennifer is the star. She is ruthless. Pumps is a little too hoarse for my taste. Ha ha ha ha. Like a slut hoe? That's what it sounds like to me.

Oh my God. They think I'm a hoe. You're the one popping those sagging dragons out there on YouTube for the world to see. I love it. You're a hoe. I'm a hoe. You're the one popping those sagging dragons out there on YouTube for the world to see. I love it. You're a hoe. I'm a hoe. You know good, dirty hoe.

I love it. I love to see Ruthless. See, I have a reputation to maintain. Well, not after they hear this episode. And I'm the, you're an airplane. Yeah. I'm like a selfless facilitator.

Right. I'm Andrea. I am so sorry. You had to hear the relapse that took place. After your kind words on that domestic airline flight, I recently took what's next, Kylie? Lorraine Fries. Okay. She commented on her Instagram and said, wow, this may be your opinion.

Why does everyone have to listen to you? You are a special piece of work. Be quiet. Okay, who do you think that's directed to me? For sure. If I had to guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am kind of the mean one.

Okay, Lorraine, why does everybody have to listen to us? I mean, are these people dumb? Well, Lorraine, the beauty of this is, nobody has to listen to us. Yeah. Not even you, Lorraine. That's right, Lorraine. What is everybody else?

I have to listen to you guys. Yeah, Kylie and Richard. Yeah, yeah. They are financial hostages. They are hostages. For that, I apologize. But I just don't see a lot. I mean, I don't know who's making Lorraine listen. Another hate listener. I think it just still I want to just visit that people are on the internet. And when you see something you don't like, you can simply block, continue to scroll. You don't like, you can simply block, continue

to scroll. You don't have to put that much more energy into it. So when you do comment, you might see it as like, ooh, I just dunked on them. We perceive that as love because it's energy. Right. The opposite of love is not hate. It is ambivalence. And here we go. This is why she is the guru. That's right. And the princess Diana, the Dalai Lama, we can't really talk about the Dalai Lama. Right.

Until that tongue said the way she was. That tongue's been. Yeah, that was bad. Anyway, she is, I mean, just a spiritual guru podcasting. A live coach. A guru. A guru. Poms, I've had it up to my eyeballs with you constantly on the internet trying to diagnose

yourself with some imaginary disease that you don't have, and then calling me and telling me that you're about to die, I've had it. I know, I'm always worst-case scenario girl. Get on the internet, go down the rabbit hole is pretty soon. I'm convinced that I'm dying or have leprosy or something awful. Have you heard about this new product called ZockDock? I have, I just downloaded it on my phone. It's amazingly easy.

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www.brightsellers.org www.brightsellers.org And we have a guest today. She is a comedian, she is an actress, she is the host of absolutely not available on all podcast platforms. Let's welcome to I've had it, the sensation Heather McMahon. Okay, Heather, welcome to I've had it. How are you today? Honestly, I am weaning off of the muscle relaxer.

So I am coming in extra spicy. I love it. Let's just let it rip. Look at it. Let's just run out of the gates. What have you had it with? OK, so I, you know, in this biz, in the comedy world, obviously, the women are having our moment, right?

But I can't tell you how many times I roll into a theater. And I'm going to meet the stage man and sure the director of the theater and I go in and shake their hand and I look them in the eyes hey Heather McMan nice to meet you and I get some sort of weird clammy baby back bitch of a response of a handshake that's the one coming in if I'm coming in nice and solid I expect the same you didn't meet me with the same energy. Totally agree. And when you have a man that gives you the half hand shake, I'm immediately like, he is little dick energy.

And he's probably flaccid in the bedroom. That's immediately what I think. It's a soft serve. It's a soft serve. It is a precursor. Yes, it's a lip dick hand shake. And I think it is a precursor to a potential soft serve. If you were to hook up with one of these people at a later date, you know if the handshake is that

limp, you know it's followed up by a soft serve in the bedroom. But it's the way I researched this a little bit and there are different types of handshakes for I want I want us all to get into here. Okay. Okay. So I'm ready. You're the one that you're talking about, you know, the man that you're conducting business with and you're very assertive, I'm Heather McMan and then you get the limp dick.

You can also get the bone crusher. Yeah, I've had that a few times. And that is the, I mean, this person is overcompensating in their handshake, you know, or really over the top squeeze. How do you feel about thathake, you know, a really over the top squeeze. How do you feel about that? See, I'd rather the over the top squeeze because then what I would do is I throw them off their game. So if I'm getting over the top bone crusher, I then take my other hand, my left hand, stick it

right on the top of their trap and I just squeeze that. And I'm like, Carl nice to me. Yeah. And then we both just try and squeeze each other as hard as possible. That's a great move. And at least then he knows I got a wide vagina and I'm not fucking around. He knows not to fuck with her. Okay, what about how do you handle the lingerer handshake? You know, I am oddly one of those people who's super great in awkward situations whether physically, politely, spiritually, like I can kind of handle it. I

think it's because I do comedy, but if they linger and it's a little too long, that's when you take the other hand and you wrap it around. You know what I mean? And you're like, we're just gonna stand here and we're gonna hold one another. So your your whole MO is to meet their intensity and double down on theirs. So that you say, I take your awkwardness and I raise you my awkwardness. Exactly. Exactly. I learned a very good trick from my dad who was an entrepreneur and in sales.

He always taught me like, you know, when you're trying to sell something, you have to come in with the same amount of energy as that person. So if they talk soft, you talk soft. If they're bold, you come in bold. But when it comes to handshakes, you know, I always expect people to meet me at the same energy I'm giving them. And that's why I think I'm so honestly bothered and hurt when they, when they don't meet me where I'm at, you know, it sales. I think that's, I think that's really good advice. Meeting people with their energy. I don't think I would be very good at this. I think that I would fail at meeting people at their energy, for example, if somebody were to be really soft-spot.

Yeah, I couldn't do that. You know, I think it would be difficult for me because then I'm always thinking, why is this person whispering? And when they're yelling, which pumps does often, I'm always like, why are you yelling? I'm just laughing. And she's like, I didn't realize I was yelling. But here's the hand shake that is the perfect hand shake. And it's called the Goldilocks Hand Shake.

And here are the qualities you have to do. So let's see if we all do this. Direct eye contact. Check. Using the right hand. Yes. Firm. Yeah. No longer than two seconds.

Yeah, right. Smile. For sure. And then repeat the person's name. See, I've had you forgot the name. No, I do this every time. My nice to meet you. Yeah. So you say their name immediately. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. See, I'm the worst at remembering names like even when they say, hi, if I say I'm Angie and they say, I'm Mike, I've forgotten before

the two seconds as I were. Well, I think that has to do with your age. Now it just has to do with, it doesn't matter how old I am, I'm just terrible at names. She's pretty old. All right. So what else have you had it with? Honestly, I'll be honest with you. I hope they're not a sponsor to podcast Starbucks coffee is disgusting. Okay. I just did a Uber Eats because I'm desperate because I'm out. And I burned my grondal from Starbucks a couple of years ago. Somebody dropped a hot coffee in my lap. And I had the whole I had the evidence and my attorney never did

anything with it. So now my attorney, who is my sister just has a bunch of photos of my, my, my burnt grondole on her phone somewhere. So I'm bitter, but I still keep going back. Was this a drive-thru situation? Uh-huh. They spilled it while you're in the car. They put another cup in a mug. This was Pete COVID.

Okay. So they handed me the mug and I had to take a hot coffee out of out of the mug. They gave me. So as soon as I got it into my car, the lid wasn't on and if he's dropped right in my car. Oh, shit. It was gnarly. It was gnarly. And here I am. I mean, it's not even good. It's not even good. You know what I mean? You see these girls, I'm TikTok that are like, this is my Starbucks order and it's like seven pumps, Mocha Whip, you know, it's dry, but it's also has 2% milk.

And then it's got Dolce de Lache syrup. And I'm like, it all tastes like fucking trash. What are we doing? I'm tired of everybody Instagramming when they get coffee. This is not an Instagrammable action anymore. We get it, we're humans, we drink coffee. I'm tired of seeing the decor on top of the foam on coffee. I agree. I've had your coffee as a

heart on it. That's fucking great. I've seen 75 million of them. Let's move on. Let's Instagram something more interesting, more clever, more witty, or something more disgusting, something somewhat thought-perfect. We need hot dogs. Let's bring that hot dog. There you go. You're putting on your wiener. There you go. Exactly.

I would rather watch a hot dog eating contest than see some gin-zir or millennial with a fucking heart-foamed coffee. I've had it, had it, had it, Heather. I've had it. Even worse than the coffee is, I somehow got sucked into water TikTok, where it's grown women who are putting captain crunch flavored syrup, crystal light, you know, mixing like fruity pebbles flavored powders in their water to flavor their water. It's called a slice of lemon. It's called spa water. If you can't handle a slice of lemon,

maybe a cucumber and a sprig of mint, what the hell are we doing here? Right. Have you seen the water TikTok? I've never seen it. And I'm scared because we're talking about it right now and I'm terrified that my phone's hearing this Heather. Right.

And now I'm gonna be on some deep dive, 745 weeks deep into this fucking tragedy that is water TikTok. It's it's women who they will show like your entire pantry. They're like super organized. And they're like today, I'm going to have a birthday cake flavored water. And so the ghost and the good, different questions.

Through to God. Through to God. Grown ass women, angel food cake, cookies and cream, German seven layered chocolate coconut cake, cookies and cream, German seven layered chocolate coconut cake, and they go through and they open their little organizers and they add all these different flavors to their water to make it taste like a German coconut chocolate cake.

And I'm like, just, what happened to lemon? It's disgusting. It is so viral right now, water talk was so viral, and it literally makes me, it just makes me sad for like mankind. Like, if this is where viral right now, water talk with so viral. And it literally makes me sad for like mankind. Like, if this is where we can't just have a little essence, a little lacroix, you know what I mean?

I don't know what we're doing. We will fail as a society. Like if, you know, we've already been through enough in the last couple of years, but if another pandemic comes around and we're relying on the women of water TikTok to build a backup as a nation, we're coming. What I of water TikTok to build it back up as a nation. We're up.

What I need to know is who are these monsters? Right. Who are these monsters? And here's the thing. If they have organized pantries like that, they probably have offspring. Right. They're breeding.

You know, so this is a multi-layered generational problem. This water talk is now going to be generational because what are their children going to talk about? And you know, little McKinsey's at school. She's like, I'm so sorry. I didn't bring in my art project because my mom was up to 4 a.m. doing water talks. But I'm doing a new combo.

It's banana split. But no, I'm not, I'm, I will not be here to take my final exam because I was tired. I was making mommy's TikToks. Like the children are who's suffering at the end of the day. They are, they are suffering. They are totally suffering. And I've seen these TikToks where it's a mom that's a pretty like attractive cute mom.

And then she's a good dancer. And then she's got the six year old doing the dance with her. Right. And every time I see one of those, I don't think, oh, that's such a cute mother daughter video. I think that poor six year old daughter fucking asshoots so many times during the production of this appears to be benign mother daughter dance. And you know that child had multiple timeouts.

Right. Five, six, seven, eight, come on. Get your hip into it more. You know, it's just a total, you know, mom, total. So Heather, tell us, how do you feel about boundaries? I, of course, boundaries are a healthy thing. Of course.

But I think everyone's gotten a little too comfortable using the word boundaries. Agreed. But you can't just be an asshole and then take boundaries. I'm not talking boundary. Like, oh, we're adults. Let's have a adult conversation, work this out, we can agree to disagree.

We can say, hey, I need a time out from this friendship, but I love everyone's just like, boundaries, bitch boundaries. It doesn't work that way. Well, I think what you're pointing out is that because we live in the modern psychological era, everybody does know what toxic means. We know what boundaries mean.

We know what narcissism means. But with that comes a lot of abuse and misuse of these things. But people are using these to try to look at how healthy I am. Right. And in fact, it's like, that's like energy. And then you're getting gaslit by them on how healthy they are for that thing of a rhopisemself. But I'm like, but you know, but Brenda, you're still drinking white wine alone in your car before Bible stuff. You're worried about how you're getting

home sweetheart. Okay, I'm going to throw out some things and y'all and let's discuss as a group. If we think that these things, we should have boundaries or not have boundaries. Okay, let's say you dated a guy for like five or six years, you're broken up, and the guy is still hanging out with your family. First of all, my mother, every single person I've ever dated, she's always been like,

hey, then this was your fault. You know what I mean? So I would probably have to She's always been like, Hey, this was your fault. So I would probably have to draw boundaries with my mom, but also like, you know, at this point, I'm like, do you want to deal with my family? Great. If you want to take my mom's office or do that, but I probably kill him first. You know, I mean, I don't have a lot of X's hanging over now. Do y'all remember back when Brad Pitt first started dating Angelina Jolie after that Mr. Mrs. Smith, you know, in the vanity fair article.

And poor Jennifer Aniston's out there. And then like, us weekly or somebody, it's like, Jennifer Aniston goes to Missouri with Brad Pitt's mom. And I always was just like, oh man, she's with Brad Pitt's mom. Yeah. He's her. Meanwhile, Brad and Angelina on the coast of France, you know, creating their Miraval wine.

Exactly. Exactly. A dog is angry with Brad's mom. Oh, yeah, I was just like, oh, dang. Okay. All right. How do you feel about couples having split custody of a dog? You know what?

I think that's healthy. I really do because I have two fur babies, my French bulldogs. I have two French bulldogs. You get it. You want your Frenchie mom, it's over. It's over. It's over.

As much as I always tell my husband, though, we'd never get divorced. One of us would murder each other. But it's got for bed. We needed a quick legal separation. I was still letting him see the pets. Absolutely. I'm not, I'm not a monster, you know

Oh my god that reminds me. I'm in a divorce attorney by trade when I'm not doing this and One of the very first cases I had I was like a baby lawyer maybe two years out of law school And we had a plan set up for a divorcing no child couple But they had these two like golden retrievers, I think. So we did a visitation schedule that she had him half the time, he had him half the time. One day he calls me, not slinging, crying, I could barely understand what he was saying. And on her visit, she took the dogs and had them put to sleep.

What? Yes. Yeah, I mean, it was horrible. Horrible. Are they like healthy dogs so alive? We're better at driving. No, I mean, it was horrible. Yeah, there were healthy.

There was a death thing wrong with the dogs. She just hated him that much and wanted to punish him. Didn't you have a case where a client had a baby monkey and they had to share custody of the monkey? Yes, the baby monkey. Yeah, the baby monkey. I mean, this divorce shit is crazy. Poms always said, you will see people

that will spend $50,000 to prevent the other person from getting a stapler. Right, yeah. You know, it's just like, no, that's my stapler and they will spend all of this money. And I mean, a lot of her job when I hear her on the phone with a client is just straight up babysitting. No, you cannot bring your lever to court.

He needs to stay in the car. Yeah. And she says it with like a straight face. And she hangs up. She's like, oh, these people. But I just really quick about the franchise because fuck off, okay, for you, not you Heather pumps. Okay, fine, you can tell me to fuck off.

I'm gonna muscle relax, so I'm gonna. So the Frenchies, so I have two, Tubby and Cha Cha, and they are the most precious angels. And there's jealous friends and jealous people that you can have in your life that get really judgmental and hateful towards such a loving, fabulous relationship. I'm not going to mention names Heather because I'm not a petty person as we just established. But if you do have somebody in your life that diminishes and demeans your relationship

with your dogs, I would say draw a boundary as big as you can with that person. And then let the world know listeners, you're in the market for a new co-host or new friend for this hypothetical person. I could not agree with you more. And I love the Bolden Doodle bitches who, you know, are just as overbred as the Frenchies. Right. I mean, with like, my Golden Doodle, my Golden Doodle chair and Lee, they're all in freaking chairs. And, you know, the Golden Doodles, you just running around in circles. And then they want to make a comment when my Frenchie doesn't do me. They're like, why are your, the Golden Doodles, you're just running around in circles, and then they wanna make a comment when my friend she doesn't do me,

they're like, why are your dogs weird? Is that a pug? Is that a pug? It's a pug. It's a French egg, and your Golden Doodle Charlie just bit that kid's face. Like, I don't know. My shit.

You know, we need to talk about this. The poodles are getting laid more than any other type of dog. And there's every kind of doodle. And these poodles are fucking all these other breeds, big dogs, little dogs, chihuahua, dobermans. The poodles are having more sex than anybody on the globe. It's unbelievable. That's true.

How f**kable the poodle is. Yeah, I don't know what's in the kibble, but there's something going on. These dogs are horned up. They are. They are. I guess it's consensual. I'm hoping it is. I'm hoping so too. I do too. I think it's a problem. I don't think this is getting enough press at all. I don't think it's either. I think this is the, you know, it's three white women. I think this is what we need to put away. You know what I mean? That's guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy.

I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy.

I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy.

I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. whole bit that was going around that she and her husband have, you know, doling toilets because they like to do together. It's too much. No, that's too much. It's too much. It's the way my nose have you've been married. Your spouse are always nose when you have diarrhea. I mean, every day, I texted my husband literally yesterday. I said, I almost shit myself in the garage. I almost made it out. Okay. And he's like, glad you made it, babe. I don't also need to have the door open.

Absolutely not. That's insane. Well, you though sometimes you've been in a situation, Pam, where you've had that toddler like impulse to poop, where she's come barreling in my house, my housekeeper and myself were standing in the master bathroom down the pants go, Nagasaki Hiroshima. Well, if that's an emergency, it was an emergency, but no. An emergency is an emergency. It was. It was.

I will say, Josh, when we used to work together, her husband's an attorney also, we used to work together, and we both cannot hold it. So we would take pictures of ourselves on the pot. And it's like the weirdest places we were pooping. Like here I am in the Logan County bathroom that should be condemned, taking a nap. We used to do that.

Not that I'm proud of it. My husband and Pups both have this toddler-like impulse with shitting. And my husband one time, we went to this party and we live in Oklahoma City. And it's probably like two miles north of our house. We're driving down, we're zeroing in on literally 45 seconds from our house.

Okay, 45 seconds. There's a 7-11 kind of at the end of our street. And we're about a block from the 7-11. And Josh says, I'm gonna pull into this 7-11 so I can take a shit. I'm incredulous because I'm doing the math like that's five seconds to the 7-11, but 15 to 20 seconds further to the house.

And I go, but our house is right here. And he goes, okay, fine, I won't. And then two seconds later, he looks at me and he goes, I'm shitting. I'm shitting my pants right now. I'm shitting and I am just sitting there thinking, how does this happen? How am I with this person?

In a car with this person? How did I with this person, in a car with this person, how did I marry him? I double down had two kids with him. What the fuck is going on? My biggest thing with my husband is right now is, because we don't have kids, right? We just have these Frenchies. But my husband does not realize that like in the morning

when he gets up, you gotta let the dogs out first, right? Let the dogs out, then you can do a 45 minute shit. You want to get out the dog's phone, and then he's shitting for 45 minutes. So then I have to get up, and he's like, oh, what was the big deal? I'm like, let the kids shit first, Jeff. Then you, it's not an emergency.

You're the adult here. You can hold your fingers for three more minutes. It's the fact, too, that it takes an hour. Meanwhile, I'm out there slaying dragons. I'm gonna take names, shake a mic, just put cash on the corner. You know, I'm better. I'm better.

Okay, Heather, now we're gonna play a game with you called Hadit. I look for Hit It. Oh my God. Welcome to Hadit or Hit It. I would hit it. I had it. I hit it it. I would have it. I hit it every day sometimes twice a day. Okay, tell us if you've had it with this or if you would hit it.

Okay. Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated at 81. I would hit it. I would smack it. I'd flip it over, reverse it and try and sit on her face. Martha Stewart is fine. I love her. I respect her.

She is the best. It's unbelievable. 81 on the cover of Sports Illustrate. Good for her. Totally agree. And let's all remember that this woman like built an empire, got in trouble, served her time, came back out, put her big girl in the middle.

It was never a victim. And then like quadrupled her empire, post-person. I mean, she is amazing. And I love that they are on such a kind of sexist cover of sports illustrated. I mean, really hot women. But it is kind of more women in swimsuits. They prop out Martha Stewart who is so hot. Right.

So smart. So smart. So smart. So incredible. Good for her. And you know, if anything was so empowering to every other woman, my? So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart.

So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart.

So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. So smart. You know what? I say hit it. I think there are some days we're all drinking too much. I mean, I love, I love, you know, my battery shirt and a, I like, uh, uh, uh,

my tie, like a run runner. I like just to keel on the rocks with your R days where I'm exhausted and I want something a little fizzy with a touch of ginger and a sprig of mint, but I don't necessarily need to black out and be phased down after. And the lobby of the four seasons. So if you want a mocktail to feel refreshed and feel like you're doing something fancy, but you can also drive your children home safely from dinner, I think that's fantastic.

I like it. I like it. Okay. Had it or hit it, Jared Leto. Oh, honey. Hit it. Okay. Agreed. Agreed. So the fact is in his 50s, I really want to know. Doctor is because he's clearly like, I mean, he's had the perfect amount of work where I just he needs to have a seat. He's in his 50s 51. Shut the fuck up. Oh, I got I could be dating Jared Leno. He's age appropriate for me. You're only a few years older. Only two years old and the chair. I mean, that's a great couple. That is a pops a Jared Lenoo. Okay. Had it or hit it

Disneyland. Oh, it's a double-edged sword because I really love to be cast in a Disney movie. So if they do ever cast me, obviously hit it. But I've had it with Disney adults for a long time. I used to talk about this on my standup all the time. Like, I think it's just so weird. These grown adults who go to Disney World without children. And then though like honeymoon in the magic kingdom. So I'm like, let me get this straight. You're going to a place where kids like to hang out to like fuck for a week. That's weird. That's weird. We need those are boundaries. That's triggering. You know what I mean? How the people that get married at Disney Land or Disney World have I think this is red flag city. Yeah. I mean, it is, it is just fucked up beyond the pale,

in my opinion, that when you think of getting married, you're gonna trot it out, fucking Epcot Center. I'll never forget the very first person, and I was young, so it was like 30 years ago, they were saying they were gonna get married at Disney World. And I was just like, what? Why, I mean, I'm just, why would any, or go on your honeymoon to Disney World,

like you were saying, they're fucking the Magic Kingdom. It's bizarre, it's bizarre. I understand that like maybe my childhood wasn't as magical as everybody else super up-quite-the-signy, but I'm hoping that if I go back to Disney, I'm going with my children. Okay, lastly, had it or hid it in laws.

Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha their heart and laws are harder. Families are hard and in laws are harder. I think it's more like these moms, and I talk about this in my new tour, the moms who have these sons. I don't know what happens, but as soon as you pop out something with a penis, these women become like Lord Voldemort. And I just don't understand. Like I always think if I were to have a son,

I would try and be best friends with my daughter-in-law, even if I hated her. Right, right. Closer. He's so nice to them that they will still stay close, like a French bulldog, and then you can squeeze it. That's right. You know, my mother, so I have an older sister and an older brother, and my mother says,

it is so much easier to access your grandchildren through your daughter. Absolutely. Then through your son, because if it's your son, then you have to go through the daughter in law. And my mom told me, say, no matter who, and I have two sons, no matter who your son, because if it's your son, then you have to go through the daughter in law. And my mom told me, so no matter who, and I have two sons, no matter who your son's Mary, even if you think this woman is a raging bitch, be friends with her because that is the access to your son and to your grandchildren.

So listen up. Totally. Yeah. I'm telling you. I have to have a game for you. I think I'm really, really, really good at fuck Mary Kill. Okay. Great. So I want to ask really, really good at fuck Mary Kill. Okay, great.

So I want to ask you a couple of fuck Mary Kill's. Fuck Mary Kill, Pete Davidson, Jeff Bezos, Larry David. Okay, Pete Davidson, all right. And I know that's probably what are you talking about? I'm gonna kill Pete Davidson because it's exhausting. I'm going to Mary Jeff Bezos so we can just skit around on the yacht and I'm absolutely having sex with Larry David. Are you kidding me? I want to see, you would laugh your ass off. He'd be so grumpy. It would be so awkward.

Can you imagine sitting around a brunch the next day and telling all your friends how just neurotic and insane having sex with Larry David? I essentially nearly do an Italian version of Larry David. So I find him hot sexy. Larry call me. Same. I am love. Biggest Larry David fan. I mean, I don't curb your enthusiasm. Is the most brilliant comedy ever made. Love it. Okay. Okay. Last one. Rihanna Jamie Lee Curtis judge Judy.

last one. Rihanna, Jamie Lee Curtis, Judge Judy. Oh my god. Okay, well, I'm fucking Rihanna. I'm marrying Judge Judy because she's low-key worth like a hundred million dollars. She's one of the highest paid women in television. Oh wow. And I hate to say I love Jamie Lee Curtis, but I'm going to kill Jamie Lee Curtis simply because, you know, Rih Rihanna and Judged Shooter are way richer. Yeah. Rihanna's more fuckable and judge jukebox richer. Yeah. You know, Rihanna's going to come in and some like hot finty number like covered in body glitter. It'll be sexy. It'll be hot. Yeah. Yeah.

Totally. Totally. Heather McMahon, you are like, I mean tap the vein and jack your shit right in the frinchy, the irreverent humor, the cynicism. I mean, we love you and we pick up everything that you put down girl. Well, I love y'all. And I just want to say, y'all are just blowing up, crushing it, like just going hard in the paint. And I think it's so fantastic and refreshing. And I love the bullshit that y'all are talking because I agree with you on all of it. So congratulations right back to y'all. Well thank you. Have a great show. We saw your radio city. You're already on the marquee. I still am waiting for the day that I show up for my show and they're gonna check the, you know, the clipboard and say like no wrong, wrong venue. I can't believe it. This'm a body for me. But I can't believe it.

This is like my wildest dreams come true. I love it. Exciting. Thank you Heather. Thanks so much, Heather. Bye. I think I want to have her replace you. I kind of think I want her to replace you too.

I think she'd want me more because then we would have four friends and two dog children together. Well, but I could get two long hair fringes and we'll her with the long hair, Frenchies. This is my master plan. I want to, don't mean, secretly buy you a French bulldog

and watch the love affair blossom. And I just know in their needy, and it would be, I think it would be therapeutic for you because they're so codependent. And you would, soon you're gonna be a complete empty nester. See, yeah. And that fucking wolf you have is not gonna fix it.

He's too independent. You need a little needy squishy, frinchy. Yeah, but the way that you have to put your fingers over and when they sneeze and all that, they're pretty complicated. They're not complicated. You think about all the shit you do for your kids. Well, but they're human. So I don't wanna go around this corner again.

All right. Oh my God. Okay. The other man's amazing. She's amazing. Listen up, listen up. Go give us five stars, write a review, send us a voice memo, subscribe to Patreon,

do all the shit you're supposed to do because we've had it with you not doing it. They do it! Some of you do. And we will see you next Tuesday. I'm John Glover. Emmy Award-winning researcher, John Glover, and I'm Marisa Pinson. Critically unacclaimed TV writer, Marisa Pinson.

And we're the host of the new podcast on brand with John and Marisa. Join us every week for an exploration of the world's most interesting and iconic brands, like Walmart. Did they still have the old people who say welcome to Walmart? No, they got rid of them. You just want more old people in the store? I want every staff member to be over 90 and Hines. Hines.

Hines. Hines. I say Hines. I'm like a determined dictator. And while you learn about these legendary brands, you'll also learn a bit about us. Hey, John, do you still sleep in shoes? I'm a shoe.

There's probably, I would say probably three times a year, I fall asleep in shoes. You told me the thing that you should never look under a Costco chicken. Well, I don't think you should ever look under a chicken so tune in every Wednesday for a brand new episode of On Brand with John and Marissa available May 24th wherever you get your podcasts be there