I've Had It - Pumps' Clandestine Dating Life

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

The Princess of Podcasting gives online dating a shot (completely against her will). NEW MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE at https://ivehadit.store and Subscribe to I've Had It wherever you get your podcasts by visiting linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: Door Dash: DoorDash. Your door to more. Download the DoorDash app now to get almost anything delivered. *Must be 21+ to order alcohol. Drink responsibly. Alcohol is available only in select markets. SKIMS: Shop the SKIMS T-Shirt Shop at https://SKIMS.com. Now available in sizes XXS - 4X. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you! After you place your order, select "podcast" in the survey and select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at https:/shopify.com/hadit, now to grow your business - no matter what stage you’re in. Bombas: Go to https://bombas.com/hadit and use code hadit for 20% off your first purchase. Viator: Download the Viator app NOW and use code VIATOR10 for 10% off your first booking. One app, over 300,000 experiences you’ll remember. Do more with Viator. To watch our post-show for this episode and much more - subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

Ready? One, two, three. Oh my gosh. That was a killer clap. You know, I just, you always impress our listeners. Each and every Tuesday and Thursday, you come out with a bang, literally. Literally a bang. And that was one of my best, just right off the bat. It was. No prep. No practice. I wasn't doing pushups before,

wasn't doing any eight counts before. That was just cold. I like it. Toms, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with, and I do it. So I'm an offender that I am pledging that I'm gonna do better, was when people pick their teeth at restaurants.

And it's so bad, and you and I do it, because when we go to lunch together, it's just the two of us. And it just seems like we're in our own world. And I just, the minute I eat, I just, I feel like I need to pick my teeth immediately, because I don't wanna have like broccoli or something in them.

And it's so disgusting, and it's so gross. And I do it. And it's like, I can't help myself. Like, I'm getting the toothpicks out of my purse, and I know it's so disgusting and it's so gross. And I do it. And it's like I can't help myself. Like I'm getting the toothpicks out of my purse and I know it's gonna be bad and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. It's bad. I never did this before

until we started going to lunch together every single day. And we used to go to lunch together every single day when our kids were little. We didn't have time to pick our teeth. No. And because we had to schlep around these toddlers and do all this- And we were puking on the table. Do all this shit we didn't want to do.

And now the minute we finish lunch, you're diving into your purse and you have this big baggie full of fancy toothpicks. They're not just the old school wood toothpicks. They're very fancy with like a flosser and a pointer and a scrubber. And you just pass them out. And you distribute them to me. And then you're over there just, I mean, knee deep.

I mean, you're basically fisting yourself. And so I'm just like, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. And so I just do it right there with you. And? Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. And so I just do it right there with you. And it is abhorrent.

It's awful. It's disgusting. We are completely unhinged in restaurants after we eat. We've got to do something about it. Can we at least wait till we get to the car? See that here's the thing. When I think I'm going to wait till I get to the car, I get twitchy. Like I start thinking about, oh my gosh,

oh my gosh, I gotta do the toothpicks. Here's the deal though. One of my, I would say it's a gift and a curse. I have no idea what's going on around me. Sometimes, I mean, I'm not observant, I don't see it. So I am just in a restaurant full of people picking my teeth Throwing caution to the wind like I don't even see it and then when I see somebody else do it I'm horrified and grossed out. You know, I think listener

You have to understand about us half the shit we bitch about we totally do. It's hypocrisy on steroids Yeah Alright, let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. And I can't believe we haven't discussed this because it's a long grievance of mine. People that put their toilet paper where the toilet paper goes under. Oh. And not over. I hate that. I was recently at a restaurant and it was like more of a boutique style restaurant. It didn't have the big commercial grade rollers with multiple toilet papers in it.

And the toilet paper, it had two pegs and the toilet paper, both were under. I just took my hands, removed them, flipped them over and put it right back in. I do not think toilet paper should go under. I think toilet paper should go under. I think toilet paper should always be over. Completely agree. I have to have over. It's a smooth pull. Yes. If you do over. Yes. I have been in other people's homes and gone to their powder bath where they have like, you have to push the ends in. Oh, with the spring. With. With a spring, yes. And I will take their toilet paper off the roll and switch it around.

And then I think to myself, what's going on here with these people? Why would they not have their toilet paper over? I notice it when people don't have over. Like I'm like, do you not care? And then we can dive even deeper on that and say, what is wrong with us that we're in somebody else's personal space, no question.

Giving a shit about something so ridiculous and so petty that makes zero difference in anybody's life. And we're correcting it to our own personal preferences, violating all sorts of boundaries, exhibiting all sorts of entitlement and feel rather justified in it. And as we do it, we think we're improving the world at large. And we think our idea is better than the owner of the toilet paper and the toilet paper holders idea. So, I mean, this could go on and on. Who is the problem?

Are the toilet paper people that go under? Are they the problem? Or are the correctors, pumps and me, are we the problem to go into somebody's personal space and think you've put your toilet paper on haphazardly? Right, with no care at all. You didn't take the time to notice if it was over or under. And if you do prefer under, why? Why? What is wrong with you that that would be your preference? Why? Why? What is wrong with you that that would be your preference? And my preference is superior to your preference. Therefore, I am going to completely change it in your home. Right. Which is a total boundary violation and psychotic.

So I don't know who's at fault. Listen, are you all can weigh in. Are you over? Are you under? And who's at fault here? The original under or would you go in and correct an overer? I always correct the overer as much as I realize it's a boundary violation and I'm the problem. I feel like I'm doing them a service. Like once they see how it's done. You're a toilet paper savior. I am the Magi Christians of toilet paper.

I want to impose my will on others and make them do what I do. See? I just, just. I know, your face said it all. The comparison to even say I am the. Even tongue in cheek, it sounded bad. It's gross, it's gross.

That's just it. I feel like I need to vomit now. But I mean, it is true. It's imposing our will on other people. And I don't like that. So now I feel like I need to vomit now. But I mean, it is true. It's imposing our will on other people and I don't like that. So now I feel like I need to go back and undo all the toilet paper corrections we've done. Maybe we could start writing apology letters. On the toilet paper. Dear Joe, I was at your home in 1994 and I noticed that your toilet paper was under. Although I

think that's weird Joe, I realize that your personal decision. Although I think you could possibly be a serial killer, I went ahead and changed it per my personal preference which is the toilet paper going over. I would like to offer a mince and offer to pay for two therapy sessions for you to get to the deep dark bottom of why you engage in such sociopathic behavior. Love Jen and Pumps. Okay, before we kick it to Kylie, I just want to review one thing that you and I have been talking about. And I just think we got to come clean with everybody about it. And it's kind of a joint grievance that we've had. And we've really had it with each other. And it's not each other personally, it's what what she and I do together, decisions that we make together.

And let me tell you what we did. We went to Washington, D.C. to interview the vice president of the United States. It was very surreal We spent the money to fly out there to get the hotel We are not young where you just wake up and look hot all right. We're not there anymore So we woke up to go interview the vice president and we did I woke up to go interview the vice president and we did our own hair and our own makeup. And the end result looks like we did the following. It looks like she and I climbed to the top of a high dive, walked to the edge of it,

and then took a big swan dive off into a pool of baby oil. While we were down there, we played a game of Marco Polo. We did a little synchronized swimming. And then we came out, barely tailed off, and went and sat down and interviewed the first female vice president of the United States, looking like oily, hammered dog shit. We looked awful, horrible.

Our hair looked like we got caught in a blower, a weed eater blower thing for like five hours. I mean, I looked at that and I mean, we looked at each other and we're like, you go, I fucking hate us. It was so bad. It was so embarrassing. Like the flyaways alone, not even counting the baby oil. It was a fail on every level. To the oily skin, how terrible we both are at doing our own makeup.

Horrible. How terrible we both are at doing our own hair. It was so idiotic. It was so stupid rookie. It was so pedestrian. Marco, hello. Hi. Welcome to I've Had It, Vice President. What a bunch of tools. What a bunch of morons. I can't believe these people still even subscribe to this YouTube channel for that alone. It probably makes them feel better that we are so dumb. Welcome to I've Had It, where this morning we did not swim in baby oil, but we did do our own hair and makeup. Apologies for that. I'm Jennifer.

I'm Angie. All right. Kylie, what's going on on the World Wide Web? We've gotten a lot of really good reviews lately. Oh, good. We need them after our game of Marco Polo and synchronized swimming in the swimming pool before we interviewed the vice president on camera. I think these are pity reviews.

They saw you and they said they need a little boost. Oh, good. Okay. Five stars titled This Ain't For You, dot dot dot. It says, listen up, if you're on any journey, this ain't the podcast for you. If you're on an influencer restoring the old ways so your husband can step into his alpha male era,

this ain't the pod for you. If you pause the PTA meeting you're leading to prepay a line fee for the next Stanley Cup release, this ain't the pod for you. But if you sport athleisure just so your blood pressure and heart rate can rise as your Apple Watch counts it as exercise points while these old broads rant about the hypocrisy of all that is the Republican Party, if you are sub-bulleting the sub-bullet of the gay agenda, if you are searching for inclusion cult or not, then inject this into your veins.

What a great review. It's a great review and I'll tell you what, I really like the sub-bullets to the gay agenda. And that's something that could be an entire episode. Totally. We can get some gays on and we'll just start talking. What is the gay agenda? What are the sub bullets and how can we help execute it? How can we make it better, stronger, faster? How can we be better allies? Let's do sub bullets of that. I love that. Love that, Kylie. Who's next? Five stars from Bubs and Juice titled Always a Treat. I put this on while I'm in the shower and it feels like I'm hanging out in a hot tub with weird people.

It feels like being at a wedding reception and getting seated at the leftover table, but it's actually the most entertaining table there, 10 out of 10. That's nice. I love that. That's nice. We haven't even talked about that,

when you get seated by people you don't know at a deal, you have to sit there, like at a wedding, or some kind of luncheon. I mean, it's just like... oh my god. The assigned seating. The assigned seating is bang hard. It's done in calligraphy. Somebody went to a lot of effort. Somebody had a seating chart. Somebody put a lot of thought into it. Then you go and you sit down and you think out of everybody at this party that I did not want to be seated next to. I'm sat next to that asshat. Every time.

Happens every time. Listen to this. I went to a wedding this last weekend and we arrive and the seating chart's all pretty on the wall. And one of my gay guy friends grabs me and he goes, go look at the seating chart and tell me what you notice. So we go look. My table and every other gay person that was invited to the wedding is at one table. The gay table.

The gay table. The gay table. You know what? That was the best fucking table at that wedding. Oh, a great time. That, I see, I would have wanted to be sat at the gay table. Me too. And had I been at that wedding and noticed that in the seating chart, I would have immediately gone to the planner, the bride, the groom,

the mother, whomever and said I demand to be switched and sat at the gay table. Yeah absolutely because that's where the fun is. There's no question. No question. You know what I would have done? I probably would have just like gone and changed my seat card. I have done that before one time at a wedding. When I saw that I was at a table of people that I just could not stand. I just did the old side swipe name card, picked it up, switched it out with somebody I didn't like. This is in the same vein as that toilet paper.

I know! I'm imposing my will on other people. The entitlement is gross. But I'll tell you what, I liked my table better. Yeah. The end of the day, you can't argue with the results. Sometimes you have to do bad things to get what you want. What do you always tell Cha-Cha?

You're a good girl that likes to make bad choices. That's what I tell you. You're a good girl. You just like to make bad choices, Cha-Cha. Oh my God, Pumps, one of the greatest loves of my life living in this modern world is the app DoorDash. I'll get home from playing pickleball. I'm dying of thirst. Next thing I know, I go to the refrigerator. I'm out because I didn't restock. Enter DoorDash and I have electrolytes being delivered quick and easily right to my front

door. I love having DoorDash bring me food when I'm just fluffed up on the couch doing nothing but watching TV. Last month I was at home sick. I didn't have any meds. Guess what? DoorDashed over-the-counter meds came. I took them. The next day I felt so much better. Listener, it? DoorDash'd. Over-the-counter meds came. I took them the next day.

I felt so much better. Listener, it's DoorDash. Your door to more. Download the DoorDash app now to get almost anything from pet food to snacks to neck braces to alcohol to toothpaste to Joy-Con controllers to headphones to, you get it, must be 21 plus to order alcohol drink responsibly alcohol available in select markets you know pumps when we started podcasting and all of our listeners

wanted merch we had no idea how on earth we were going to put all of that into do it computer system inventory it make notes of it, ship it, etc. That is why Shopify has been so clutch for us and will help any small or large business. Did you know that Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. and Shopify is the global force behind Albritts, Rothy's, Brooklyn and millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across 175 countries. Plus Shopify's award-winning help is there to support your success every step of the way because businesses that grow, grow with Shopify. Sign in for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash had it now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in.

Shopify.com slash had it. Jennifer, you know what I've been up to lately? What? Cleaning out my closet. And the absolute worst spot was my sock drawer. But thankfully I have found the world's greatest socks in bombas. I am so obsessed with everything from bombas. I love their teas. I love their socks. They're not itchy. They're like butter. And what I specifically like about Bombas is they have a one purchased equals one donated mission. And that means that every time you buy their socks, tees or underwear, you also donate essential clothing to someone facing homelessness.

To date, Bombas has donated over 100 million clothing items and counting. And that makes me feel so good because I love their products so much and to know that they're a company that helps the community at large is just so incredibly satisfying. Listener, get comfy this spring and give back with Bombas. Head over to bombas.com slash had it and use the code had it for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash had it and use the code had it at checkout. Okay, Kylie, what else do you have for us? So we've talked about online dating a little bit and I have a online dating horror story. Okay.

It's pretty famous. Okay. It's pretty famous. Okay. So a man and a woman matched on Tinder and they chatted for about six months before they decided to go on a date in person. He picks her up for dinner and she starts to feel kind of sick,

so he agrees to take her home. When they get there, she feels a little bit better, says, do you wanna come in for tea? He says, okay. So they get home, they're sitting around, she starts to feel really sick again, and says, you know, you're just gonna have to go for the night, I have to go to bed.

He agrees, he leaves. She wakes up in the middle of the night to sounds downstairs. She's freaked out, she calls the police, and they come, they knock on her door to take a look. They say, the door is locked, you're fine. She's on the phone, she's like, please break it down. Like, I can hear something.

So they break down her door, they go inside, they find the guy, they arrest him. They also find that her entire home, her living room, is covered wall to floor in plastic. And there's a saw and a hammer on the floor. So he was going to Dexter her ass. I was just going to say Dexter. So they drug tested her, found out ton of drugs running through her system that he had

snuck in there. And he supposedly had swiped her keys when he left to come back in later. This is why I don't online date. This is why I don't date period. Because that's the guy I would pick. You could line up a thousand great guys like marriage material. Everybody wants their daughter to marry this guy. And that guy, and you know exactly who I'd go to, run the serial killer Dexter.

Dry hump. I would dry hump every single obstacle to get with Dexter. I would be like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want somebody normal. I don't want an upstanding citizen. I don't want a morally upright character with integrity. I want Dexter. I can't help it.

Well, it's interesting that you are talking about why you don't do Dating Out. Okay. Because Seth and Kylie have been working on a very clandestine project. Oh my God, don't do it. It's already done. Do not. It's already done. It's already done. Oh my God, I hate everyone in here. I even hate you, Seth, and you're the nice one. Okay, so they took the liberty of creating a profile of a woman named Angela Dawn.

Okay, here it is up here on the screen. I'm an Oklahoma woman who loves her country. Five foot six, lawyer, Christian, University of Oklahoma. I hate everyone. Sometimes smokes. Okay. You did not put that up there. That's your profile photo.

You can use my real picture. I Photoshopped it so that you're unrecognizable. They Photoshopped it a bit. You don't really quite look like that anymore. I know, but I'm just saying somebody could really think that that's me. The American flag in the background is the last touch. Anyway, they've been online. I mean, and Kylie, what are the two websites you'll put her on? So we put you on Farmers Only.

And then the other one we put you on is a conservative dating app called The Right Stuff, which Jen, I've given you some stuff. Oh my God. So I've just got like death threat throwers from their website. Yeah. The Right Stuff, it says, discover other conservatives. Connect with people who aren't offended by everything. And then it says, getting back to normal. View profiles without pronouns.

Your next match is here. For those who know traditional is attractive. Look at this sounds exactly like me. Yeah so you got some matches Angela Dawn did. Okay great. Let's see them. Are they serial killers? Well I'm just gonna start reading some of them. Okay. Okay the first match you got I believe this was on Farmers Only. His name is Brandon. He is less than a kilometer, you could be the 301st Heifer. Yeah. I kind of like the Heifer reference. I don't know. Something's wrong with me. Okay. And then this guy, the Kylie and Seth have crossed out his name, but he's a straight man. He's 38 miles away and he's a gamer. And instead of doing a bio, he just listed his requirements for a woman. His

requirements are don't be fat. Have an $80,000 a year plus salary job. He's putting this on there. Must weigh less than 130 pounds, cannot be taller than five foot eight inches, must be fit to an extent, no baggage, no feminist qualities. Must hold conservative core values and be open-minded. I'm surprised he's still on there. He sounds lovely. Irony, completely lost on him in that sentence. Totally lost on him, completely. He goes on to say, don't fucking argue with me.

I'm not your daddy. You're paying for the first date. 50-50 lifestyle. Stop smoking, parentheses, nasty. If you're not a seven hot, I'm not interested. If I swiped right on you and you failed a requirement, do not even bother matching. My standards get lost if your butt hurt. Yeah, I can't believe he's still single. I cannot believe he's still single. I would think there's lots of ex-Amish or Mormons that are dying to be with him. I'm shocked that he's still single.

I mean, he sounds like a catch. With those requirements. Okay, and then you matched with a man named Stan, and he says, swipe left. What does that mean, reject? Yeah. Okay, he says, swipe left if you are single mom, divorced, married, widowed, dominant, career woman,

married, widowed, dominant, career woman, crazy, drug addict, feminist, religious fanatic. I don't date these kinds of women and I don't want them in my personal life. I am looking for a woman who can behave like Melania Trump and can cook, clean, and do all the chores. So I have a question, and this is an earnest question. Do you want to know if he's available Friday night? No, but like, is somebody joking that they would put that on there? No, these are real profiles with whom you have matched. Angela Dawn, the woman with the American flag behind her that's a conservative Christian. It's your alter ego that we made for you online.

I didn't. They did it under my supervision. I supervised this pet project. This is just like, I'm shocked that somebody would put that on the internet. Like I'm shocked, but I'm not shocked, but I kind of am shocked. Okay.

Next up, this is a guy that you matched with on Farmers Only. We don't have his first name, but it's- So far the Heifer of Farmers Only is my number one. It's good to know. Put that in the permanent record. Heifers and Farmers Only only is my number one. It's good to know. Put that in the permanent record. Heifers and farmers only, Pumps number one. Okay, this guy in his profile photo, I just want to, he has gray feathered hair parted

down the middle, a la Bee Gees style. Great. And a little bit of a goatee and he is not wearing a shirt in his profile photo. See that's a red flag. He's 64 and his bio is, I mean his like username is farmer and then some numbers. But Kylie and Seth took the liberty, it's really long, he put a lot of care into this, but they took the liberty of highlighting the good points. And he says, I have always tried to take it easy and just enjoy what this outback country has to offer.

I do check profiles for astrological compatibility because I have found that some heifers don't pasture well with this bull. He's a Taurus. Scorpio and Virgo, Capricorn and Taurus are recommended. Scorpio and Virgo, Capricorn and Taurus are recommended. I am unsure what God has planned for me next, but maybe we could find out together. This is the About Him section, and then we go to what he's looking for. And he says, let me make a little confession. If your profile includes lap dogs, body art, or more than the usual two-body piercings or a large amount of cheap costume jewelry, I'll just be repulsed, not enthused. I am loyal and trustworthy, honest to a fault, and old school, and I guess to in many ways.

an old school and I guess to in many ways but I'm using all this new technology to try to find my friend and lover that I can devote myself to the for the remainder of my days and I hope you do too. Bumpsy sounds sweet. Yeah he's divorced he's 5'8", and he's spiritual. Okay, here's a guy you matched with. He's divorced, lives in Oklahoma, 6'3", slim build. He's a farmer, and on his About Him section, just an old farm boy, just looking to see what kind of responses I might get on this site. and it says he's looking for someone with a pulse. I kind of like that.

I know I think this one okay he's 6'3", he's 60, he sometimes drinks, he doesn't smoke, he is a college graduate, he raises cattle, and on religion he checked to other. He might be the one. Apparently I'm going to put that in a good stack. His bio picture is of a donkey. Well, maybe that means he's a Democrat. I don't know, but I'm going to put this in the, you think this, can we put this in the

approved stack? Yeah, we'll put this in the approved stack? Yeah, we'll put him in the approved stack. I assume the others are rejected. What about the one that wants to add the 301st Heffer? Could that be a maybe? He's a maybe. He's on the cusp. Okay.

Okay. I also want to point out, I put your age range that you were interested in as 20 to 80. I think that's great. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is farmers only and in his about section this is somebody you matched with he lives in Gainesville Texas. He says I have been here and other apps many times it seems like. Only to not find that which I seek. I am picky and I know it. So let me throw out the list of don't wants.

Seems easier to tell you what I don't want. No smokers or vaping or bad smelling. My pick in my bio with a cigar in my mouth is just me being silly. I'm not a smoker. I'm just showing off a full length body pick. Glad he clarified that. I'm so happy.

And he noticed the hypocrisy. Right. Okay. If you have lots of tattoos, they just look bad in my opinion. No ultra liberals. Have a brain. If you have to tell people how smart or educated you are in your profile or in email, then I tend to think you are neither.

LOL. That's my experience anyways. Looks do matter, so let's just not pretend they don't. I judge books by their covers and so do you, so let's just admit it. Besides, books aren't people and it's a bad comparison. What cracks me up is these people are serious. And then the last sentence in his about section, he put, let me know. It goes on. And then we have the section where it says cowboy is looking for someone who could see themselves living in the country on a small farm. He's also looking for a toucher or enjoys touching her man.

And then he says, how do you feel about beekeeping and raising cows. LOL. I have about 20 cows and 250 beehives, so be forewarned now. I'll want you to help me a little on both at some point. He's looking for free labor. He's looking for free labor. Like look, first you've got to be attractive. You can't smoke. No tattoos. You can't be a stupid liberal. No. Okay. And then once you get to a certain stage,

you're going to have to help out on the farm. Right. Is that a yes or no? Is that a yes, no, maybe? Put him in the maybe. Okay. Listener, I cannot let Pumps get on the internet by herself to book travel unless she's supervised. I have a long history of screwing up booking travel. That's right. And recently she booked a trip for her and her children to go to New York. And I set her down at my desk and immediately logged into Viator. It is a website and app where you can book travel experiences like I booked for Pumps. They offer everything from simple tours to extreme adventures.

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Pumps, My Skims, Cotton Jersey Tea, has become my absolute favorite T-shirt on the planet. I can wear it to pickleball, I get compliments galore, I can wear it under a blazer for a cute little airport day, compliments galore. I've watched this thing 750,000 times and it is as good as new and bounces right back to the original shape. I cannot stop wearing these tees. I can't tell you how comfortable mine are. I have a long sleeve cotton jersey and a couple short sleeve.

I wear them constantly. They are so comfortable. The fabric is amazing. I cannot tell you how much I love these. Yes, my two favorites are the fits everybody t-shirt and the soft smoothing seamless t-shirts. Listener, shop the Skims t-shirt shop at skims.com. Now available in sizes XXS to 4X. And if you haven't yet, be sure to let them know that Pumps and I sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show. I've had it in the dropdown menu that follows. All right. Now we're moving over to the right stuff. These are your matches on the right. Angela Dawn's matches on there. Okay. Jim, and his bio says, say hi, and bring more to the table than

your beauty. Wink face emoji. I'm working on being a 10 in all aspects of my life. Are you? I am selective, authentic, bold, and very happy with my life. You are happy with a good heart, positive attitude, and love being a girl. Yes, no, maybe. I love being a girl. So he gets right in the yeses. Oh, yes. Okay.

All right. Then we have Kevin, and he's on the right stuff on the MAGA website. And so they can do this little section where they have like quotes. And one of his quotes is, Alexa, change the president. And then he says, facts about me that surprises people. Let's just say you'll be pleasantly surprised if you get that lucky. Considering you have a long storied history on this very podcast, talking about penis size, I can only imagine that Kevin catapults right to the top of the list. Absolutely.

All right. We'll put Kevin as a yes. Because he is clever. Then there's another guy named Jeff that you matched with. And in his quote sections, he says, they give like a T up and it says the science is settled on and then Jeff chimes in, there are two sexes. Anyone thinks different is fine, but stay the hell away from the children.

What a dick. And then they tee up. My favorite conservative pundit is, and he says, I quit Fox when they fired Tucker. Oh gosh. I watch independent news media now. Tucker's New Network, Timcast, Bannon, Joe Rogan, et cetera. RIP cable news. I'm assuming that's a maybe. You know what? He likes Steve Bannon so much. I mean, he's going to have to go in the notes. Okay.

You also match with a guy named Edwin. He said, first off, I'm 45. Secondly, I'm a conservative. Third, I love God, guns and country. Fourth, English is not my first language. Fifth, I'm heavily tattooed. Sixth, I don't like blue hair feminists. Seventh, if I have kids, they will learn backgammon and how to use a gun when they are kids.

The end. I can't believe he's still single. Okay, then. Gods and guns. I just don't get it. I don't know why those two go together, but they seem to. They always go together. They always go together. Okay, Charlie you matched with. He's God fearing, country loving, old school gentleman, gentleman looking for a best friend, someone who wants to hold my hand, stand beside me and whisper in my ear. You'll laugh,

beside me and whisper in my ear. You'll laugh, flash or smile or even cry, but you can do it all in my arms. He sounds like a goddamn nightmare, a fucking titty baby. A smitherer. Can you imagine that the very first sentence of this, he's talking about all of these emotions. I can already tell this guy wants to feel too much. Too much.

He wants to share too much emotion. Novocaine injected right into his heart. 100% I've had it with him. I'm gonna go ahead and put him on the no list for you. You also match with a man named Gerald. And he says, I am the kind of man who has fear of God in his heart, and I am also seeking for that special woman who also have fear of God in her heart.

I believe when two are joined together in unity becomes a strong pillar in God who is true definition of love. Nothing in this world can ever shake or separate us up. I have no kids. And I want to say, Gerald, you're kidding, right? Could you? She's one of those that doesn't think women should be allowed to file for divorce. I'm just telling you, I can feel it through that deal. Can you imagine the paranoia that you'd have to run around being scared of God all the time?

I mean, the fear of God, and you can't just have it, it's got to be in your heart. It's got to be in your heart, you've got to be a pillar. That's a weird thing, the fear of God. You run around all... Guarantee you he's packing heat. Duh. Yeah. All right. You also matched with a man named Gary. Gary says, I do not date liberals, so this seems to be a great place to be.

I like women who are sexy, playful, confident, and above all, genuine, kind, and happy. I can fix just about anything. I have lots of tools. Ex-military proud patriot. Foxtrot Julian Bravo. If you know, you know. I don't know. I don't know. I think those are military commands, right? FJB. Or they're dances. Foxtrot Julian Bravo. It's got to be some January 6 magashit. Right.

Some kind of white supremacy code word. Okay. Charles you matched with. I'm a nice conservative guy looking for a nice conservative woman. That's all. Dating me is wild. You get a comedian, mental patient, and chef all in one. Happy face emoji.

I appreciate the candor. I was going to say I like the mental patient. I mean that part I kind of dig. I appreciate the candor that he's on this MAGA website and he totally and correctly identified as a mental patient. That's right. He just owns it. I'm a mental patient. Such honesty is rare. Rare. On the political, I'm gonna put him in the yes. Such honesty is rare. Rare. On the right, on the political, I'm not going to put him in the yes. I think that, I mean, he might catapult right up to the top. Right up to the top over Heffer. Okay. Then you also match with a man named Jed.

And he said, seriously blue collar guy. Open minded, kind of nerdy, man of faith, raised Methodist and Southern Baptist. I'm pro-life, had an epiphany in 16. Or a psychotic break, whichever one you want to call it. They also matched with a man named Tony. And this is the part of the website where they tee up and they tee up my favorite liberal lie and he writes in January six was a quote insurrection.

So this guy's a scholar and they tee up a random fact I love about America and Tony writes, the United States Constitution and Bill of Rights. It's just a random fact. It's just a random fact. I didn't even know that fact. Just a, it's just a, but you know why? Because it's random. It's random. It's random.

How would you know that otherwise? Okay. You also matched with a man named Sean and he in his profile photo, it shows him at the gun range. Oh, with the earmuffs on. Love that. Yeah. So he writes, can't date a liberal. We have zebra in common. So I'd figure I'd give this a shot.

And then same guy, Sean, they say the website has the fill in the blank and they write, the science is settled on and he responds, there are two genders period full stop. Because I'm sure that this guy is constantly around non-binary and trans people. Well, you know, in rural Oklahoma. He lives in Southern Georgia. Oh, well. It's the same though. I mean, it's just covered up.

Okay, and then the website writes, a shower thought I had recently. And Sean writes, I think we should divide America into red America and blue America. Very easy line goes down the West Coast and the Northeast. South and middle America are red. It's not hard to do. Exactly, Sean. It's not hard to do. It's not hard to do. You just get a map and a sharpie and you just draw it up. You know what? We'll have Trump build that wall.

Exactly. Okay. You also matched with a guy named Mark and I want to point out his profile photo is a picture of him and Michael Flynn. Oh God! And they're both doing the thumbs up. See, I just wonder why would you not be embarrassed? Like he's advertising that picture.

That would be what I would be scrubbing the internet to find if I ever happened. I'll tell you, he matched with Angela Don. The fictitious character. That loves her country. And is a patriot. Okay, he says he's looking for a best friend, not a trophy. Someone to talk to and share this incredible journey with.

Oh God. Unvaxxed only please. That's going to be a short journey. Journey short. He's looking for only unvaxxed. Unvaxxed only please. Journey short, he's looking for only unvaxxed. Unvaxxed only, please. I prefer people who understand that Trump

is the only person who can finish the job. I'm very outspoken about politics and global issues. I have a deep passion to save humanity, and I podcast about such things. Hope this interests you too. I mean, despite the fact that you've been vaxxed, having a deep passion about podcasting and global issues and saving humanity, Mark, I'm gonna go and put him in the maybe. You know what Mark is? He's a revolutionary because he doesn't believe in vaccines, but

at the same time working towards saving humanity. Okay. Mark's also in his bio, he has, they fill in the blank thing and the website writes, I'm weirdly attracted to, and Mark says, people who know January 6th was an inside job. There were no planes on 9-11. The 2020 election was stolen. The C-19 jab is a bio weapon, et cetera. You get it. And what I wanna say to you, Mark, is exactly. January 6th was an inside job.

And the job was done by Trump. Yeah. Which is why the fucking military didn't show up and shoo them out. Right. You're exactly right. It was an inside job. The president of the United States and his sycophants did it. Moron. Absolutely.

I'm going to go ahead and put him in the maybe. Okay. I don't know. He might go right to the yeses. Well, you know, you could browbeat him. He would like it. Philip, and this is on the right MAGA website, and they write out,

best social media account to follow? True social. I do peek on there, so. I'm weirdly attracted to and he responds intelligence. We can tell I think right off. I think he's got potential. Yeah, absolutely. I think you could almost even like he's weirdly attracted to intelligence. He is begging for a liberal woman. He is. He is a feminist.

Begging. Yeah. Yeah. All right. He's kind of cute too. All right. I'm going to go and keep him. All right.

Then you also match with Justin and he just has a list of things about himself. He's a single dad. He's a class clown. He's a homeowner. He's got a stable career. He has all of his teeth. That's a plus.. He's a homeowner. He's got a stable career. He has all of his teeth. That's a plus showers twice a day. He's confident, not cocky, have my shit together.

Republican and proud of it. I work out so I can eat whatever I want and I don't live at the gym. And I just want to point out for the permanent record that when you're on a MAGA dating website, you have to note when you have all your teeth. That's how that's the pool. You've got you. It's an asset. It's an asset. It brings you up a notch over everybody else when you have all your teeth. Okay. And then Jim filled out the fill in the blank part and the website writes, change my mind about, and he writes, I'm starting to wonder if the love of my life got stuck in a condom or swallowed. What?

Is that a no? That's a no. Okay. I'm just curious. Okay. All right. Then you also match with a man named Mark. And Mark does the fill in the blank part.

And the website writes, my favorite liberal lie. And he writes, my favorite liberal lie. And he writes, Trump lost, the Vax is good, the economy is better now, LOL, the list goes on and on. So anything that's really a fact, he's against. And Mark also filled out, I get along best with people and he writes in, are conservative and have common sense and a belief in God.

And then there's another fill in the blank part on this MAGA dating site and the website writes January 6th was, and Mark writes, one of our greatest times in history, except for when BLM and Antifa defaced our capital. You know what? I can tell by you reading that. He's a common sense guy. The mental gymnastics. It's unbelievable. It's common sense. It was the greatest. All of it was great except for any of the bad video footage you've seen. Right. That was BLM and Antifa.

Of course it was. Everybody knows that. It's common sense. Okay. Then you match with a man named Ryan. And Ryan's favorite liberal lie is 2020 was the most secure presidential election in history. Brandon is empathetic. Brandon is the most popular president elected in history. I bet Obama loves that. Brandon is the great uniter in chief and he does the eye roll emoji. And he says about January 6th, a setup and Pelosi is an abomination. Yes, no, maybe. Oh, right at the top of the list, right there. Well in conclusion, look at this table. I mean, it's covered. Look at the options.

So many options. You know, I mean, we just noticed that, I mean, it had to have been 15 episodes straight within the first five minutes. We're talking about penises. And we realized that you needed to be on the market, hence the Angela Dawn profile. Which are those still active? Kylie? They are. And I have been in public sitting next to someone and the right stuff you got matched pops up. Yeah, so I get embarrassed.

But you get a lot of matches. On the right stuff. For the post show, we can play through your entire profile. All the photos we used. Yes. You're such a kind of, all right. So if anybody wants to join Patreon, now's the time to do it because we are going to play through Kylie and Seth made a little video for her profile. This is, this is what I call bringing down Seth. Seth would have never done this on his own. He is a sweet, nice person. You know what, you forget that Seth's nickname is Kylie's bitch. I know, that's what I'm

saying. She brought him down. She's a twat. You're a twat. I've been a twat for decades. Well, that's true. That's not nays. I mean, decades. I just thought Kylie was nice. Now I know the real story. But you, I mean, I just, I think there's potential here. You could be the 301st heifer, but all right, listen, we digress. We're going to continue this conversation and reveal more about Pumps' online dating site. That's been going on now for about 90 days that she had no idea about until we sat down in this very chair. No, I did not. If anybody has any candidates, please go give a five-star review

and leave their date or bio on Apple or Spotify for us. Make sure you're subscribed to our YouTube channel. And I think that's all we've got going. We're not touring right now, but we're gonna be announcing new tour dates soon. We just haven't decided when or where yet. Merch. We're looking into Australia very strongly,

as Trump would say, very strongly. We're very strongly looking into Australia. We're going to reveal that in two weeks. We're going to reveal very strong. We're looking over documents. Very strong. Very strongly regarding going down under for the Breckie tour. Is it hello?

Is anybody in Australia listening? Hello? Hello, Hello, Australia. What about New Zealand? Are you still mad at me about Brecky? I'm coming down to make up. You apologize to her. Yeah, I want to go to New Zealand. I like that former prime minister. Oh, I did too. Jacinda Ardern. Okay. All right, listen, just go buy our merch, subscribe, like, do all the shit that you're supposed to do, join Patreon because we're going to continue the Pumps love journey. Right, yes.

We're going to manifest a boyfriend. Oh great. Pumps. Tell them. We will see you next I've had it with. I've had it with that.