I've Had It - Skank Sperm

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Okay patriots, it's your turn to take the quiz: https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/quiz/political-typology/ Post your results by leaving a 5-star review below. NEW MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE at https://ivehadit.store and Subscribe to I've Had It wherever you get your podcasts by visiting linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: Homes.com: When it comes to finding a home - not just a house - we have everything you need to know, all in one place. https://homes.com. We’ve done your home work. Happy Mammoth: Listener, you can get your first bottle of Hormone Harmony for 15% OFF by going to https://HappyMammoth.com and entering the promo code HADIT on the checkout page. LolaVie: Get 15% off LolaVie with the code Hadit15 at https://www.lolavie.com/Hadit15 #lolaviepod Just Thrive: Right now, when you go tohttps://justthrivehealth.com/discount/HADIT and use promo code: HADIT You can get 20% off a 90-day bottle of Just Thrive Probiotic and Just Calm… That’s like getting a month for FREE! Hungryroot: Right now, Hungryroot is offering I’ve Had It listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to https://Hungryroot.com/hadit, to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies To watch our post-show for this episode and much more - subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

Ready? One, two, three. Oh my god. That might be the best clap in the history of clapping. Wow. I mean, I'm fired up and ready. You know what is so funny? Everybody on YouTube and on the audio format of our podcast swears that they cannot tell the difference between your limp dick claps and that full erection of a clap. That is a rock hard cock erection. It's unbelievable. I mean, that was just, I look up and Kylie's like, that was incredible. Thank you. I feel really good about it. You know, people may not be able to tell, but I can tell.

It's only downhill from here. It was only downhill from here from the jump. That's right. All right, pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with, and I know this is obnoxious, but I fucking had it when it takes forever for the hot water to get hot when you turn on your sink or your bathtub. Drives me crazy to have to wait.

I like to go straight in and I've noticed it a lot at hotels lately, which it used to be an automatic hot water. You know, you just can't get hot water these days. You know what we need back in our day. That water was hot. Fuck off. What we need is Congress to intervene like they did with the appliances and mandate hot water coming out.

Because you know, the Republicans have spent this entire House session regulating appliances because everyone gives a flying fuck because that's what we need, appliance regulation. All right. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. It's a good thing you had a good clap. All right. And this is going to be somewhat controversial. And I'm sure it is going to rile up the mommy bloggers and they are going to have stage five meltdowns and start calling us mom podcasters again, right? When just podcasters will do. Right. But I've had it with this and I'm

just going to have to say it. I'm going to have to call it out because I can't take it anymore. I really can't. If I see one more of these things, I'm going to lose my mind. And I'm not talking about Stanley Cubs. What is it? These headbands that have the knot at the top. There are these fabric headbands and then it has a top knot in it and then it goes down the other way. I think they look ridiculous. I can't take my eyes off of them. I, I don't understand it. I see some women, grown ass women our age that have the headbands on, but their hair,

the front of their hair is like this. And then the headband is placed here and I'm like well isn't the point of a headband to do this? Right, it's like Mickey Mouse ears but a headband. It's like a unit, a unicorn. I hate these things. I cannot stand these things and I guarantee you, I'm gonna tell you, I'm conducting my own personal study. Okay. Let me tell you what I found. my own personal study. Let me tell you what I found. The headband top knot unicorns almost always have a Stanley Cup. We all know where all of these things lead. Trumpism, crystal meth, crack cocaine, in that order, IV drug users. And I'm just telling you right now, I am looping in the top knot unicorn headband community with the Stanley cuppers.

And I wanted in the permanent record. I don't like these things. I think they look dumb. They look stupid. I can't stand them. Horrible. Who invented them? And why?

Here's the deal. I'll tell you who invented them. Somebody for a five-year-old. Adult women should not wear these headbands. They look stupid. I was out to dinner with some friends the other night. This darling girl walks in, I mean, maybe 23, 24, 25. I mean, young, young woman. She was gorgeous, rocking body, had one of those headbands on. And I was like, she looks fucking ridiculous. Like I cannot think she's cute because that looks so terrible. And it was the headband unicorn with fucking pearls on it.

Like big giant pearls. The bejeweled unicorn headband. Top knot unicorn headband is an extra layer. That's like snorting and injecting the meth all at the same time. That's how bad it is for your well-being and for the viewer. And here's what I don't like. Nobody takes into account the feelings of the viewer. I was getting a manicure pedicure the other day and these gals walked in and they had on those top knot headbands that was not holding their hair back because they had the hair, you know, flanking the face and the headband back behind that.

And I just, I can't take it anymore. And I feel like they're everywhere. And you know where I think they are all the time? Out in the suburbs. I was just going to say, let me guess. Yeah. The suburbs. Yeah.

The suburbs. People are out there with their Stanley cups and these unicorn top knots. I mean, I can't take it anymore. And I can see what the headlines are gonna be. I know exactly what the headlines from the mommy bloggers are gonna be. Mom podcasters don't support women who wear headbands. Leave our headbands alone.

And here's what I have to say to you, mommy bloggers. Number one, quit referring to us as mom, right, podcasters. You don't refer to male podcasters with children as dad podcasters. It's underhanded. You're trying to reduce us to only one role. It's patriarchal. It's 1950s bullshit.

And I've had it. You can take your Stanley Cup. You can take your unicorn top knot headband and your fucking blog and all your performative parenting and cram it up your ass because I've had it with these people. And they all live in the same fucking book in the same library. They all do.

It's a direct line to Trump rally. It is. I bet there's red, white, blue, MAGA unicorn headbands. You know what? I bet it'll be Trump's next griff, probably Melania's. Oh yeah. Make America great again. Headbands. Repulsive. I mean, I can't imagine anything worse on the planet than wearing MAGA shit. No, I can't either. Like you couldn't catch me dead in a MAGA outfit. Like if I, if my choice was to walk from this office to the supermarket, I would rather be butt naked than wearing anything MAGA. I don't care if it was

like the top of the line MAGA merch, I would walk naked and get arrested and put in a straight jacket and go to the insane asylum before I would wear that MAGA bullshit because you know what it announces? That you're stupid. That you're stupid. That you're racist. That you're homophobic. And that you have a small penis all in one outfit.

What about the women? What about that last caveat? What about that? How do you replace it if it's a woman? I'll tell you exactly how I replace it. Never had a good lay, so think any lay is good. Has only been with small penises. Only knows what a half orgasm is. Never had a man that actually knew how to produce an orgasm in a woman. So they're in the, I'll take what I can get category of life. Welcome to I've had it. I'm Jennifer. I am not wearing a top knot headband nor drinking out of a Stanley cup because I'm a normal

thugging person. I am Angie. I like to drink out of a Stanley cup, but I will not wear a top knot headband nor mega merch. I'll take it back. I will wear merch that has Donald Trump's mug shot on it that says inmate number blah, blah, blah, blah. I have seen that orvict 45. That's

the links that I will go to. Also, let's not forget that Pumps is a single white female seeking hot water. Kylie? Yes? How are things going for us on the World Wide Web? It's always iffy. It just depends where you look. Right. Could go either way. Could go either way. You set me up perfectly to read you this first five-star review. Oh, five stars. Okay, let's go. It's titled, My Favorite Mommy Podcast. Oh, my God.

They write, I'm so thrilled I finally found a mommy podcast that thoroughly reignites my pride in having been chosen by my unreasonably special children. While I'm much younger than the grandmother, these two mama bears have made me feel like my experience in motherhood is both incredibly unique and simultaneously so relatable to their own. Having hung on every word of every episode, I was surprised to find that Jessica is such a sweetheart when I met her in Salt Lake City at their live show. You just don't expect that level of kindness from such a crude, high level athlete.

Be blessed, ladies. It's true. Here's the thing that I've been trying to keep from the listeners and those that have come to the Tour and met met us after the show I think you think I'm just this ice bitch and it's I have that persona but as pumps always says Underneath she's just melted better. She's just melted better hard as an acorn on the outside melted better on the inside Yeah, these little whistleblowers that have been on tour blowing my cold, black hearted

bitch facade and letting people know that I actually do have moments. Moments listener, brief moments of kindness. It's really bad for your reputation. Those reviews are ruining my reputation. And everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. All right. Five stars titled Patriot Talks with Memaw.

Wow. Where do I even begin with this gem of a podcast? Let me tell you, if you're looking for a dose of mediocrity wrapped in a cozy blanket of middle-aged patriotism, look no further. These self-proclaimed guardians of the middle ground in politics will leave you feeling like you're stuck in a lukewarm puddle of apathy. And let's not forget about Mima, the charming host who brings all the excitement of watching paint dry to your ears. Her delightful anecdotes about life in small town USA will have you on the edge of your

seat or maybe just napping peacefully. So if you're craving a podcast that's as exciting as watching grass grow and as intellectually stimulating as a rock, then give these middle-aged patriots a listen. You won't be disappointed. Well, you might be, but hey, they tried. How many stars is that? That's five stars. Okay.

I have a question. Was I just accused of being moderate? Yes. I knew that's what she was going to pick out. I knew when you said it, it's going back to the centrist. I knew it. This is a fan who knows exactly how to piss you off. It just comes right up and just occupies all of this vast expanse of real estate between

my ears. Right. Yeah. Let me just repeat one more time. Self-proclaimed guardians of the middle ground in politics. Shit. OK. Here's the deal. We're going to have to re quiz. I'm going to have retesting everybody in the studio. Everybody, everybody's taking the test.

OK, everybody were retesting. And Kylie, in the show notes of this, I want you to put that quiz. I want all the listeners and all the patriots, all of the fucking bald eagle patriots to take this test. And then you go report to the Apple reviews. I need to know what everybody is. And I'm going to retest and I'm going to do it in front of everybody so that everybody knows it's on the up and up.

Because here's where I think people get misguided. There are, of course, people on the far left, leftists, like far, far left, leftists that are just tied up in knots 24 7 all the time about all of the terrible things that are happening in the world. all of the terrible things that are happening in the world. While I see all of the massive human rights violations, I would brand myself more as a fuck you liberal. And that means fuck you to all the people who try to demean marginalized groups because I don't think you can fight the other side by being civil and in discourse.

Obviously I don't mean like start an insurrection or anything like that. Sadly, I don't mean like start an insurrection or anything like that. Sadly, you have to clarify that. I think that you have to be a little sassy. I think you have to pick the main issues that are super important to you because there's a lot of people in the world to separate and fight all of the issues together. And we have chosen what issues are important to us. But I'm gonna tell you one thing, I will pass the quiz again with flying colors. I'm gonna have Kylie video it.

I'm gonna put it up on Patreon. And then I'm gonna film Kylie doing it. And then I'm gonna put that up on Patreon. And then we're gonna film me, ma. And then we're gonna film Seth. And we're gonna find out who the weak weak link is because somebody is sending out moderate vibes, centrist vibes on this podcast because this keeps coming up again and again and again. And we're going to, we're going to record everything.

We're going to big brother that shit. And if anybody comes back moderate, that's it. Fired. Fired. Fired on the spot. I don't even know if that's legal to fire him, but we'll just figure it. You're a lawyer. At will employee firing for any cause, no cause. Boom. There you go. That's why she's America's greatest legal mind. She decided the law right there. She didn't even have to go to a law library. Nope. Just pulled

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earning cash back and use the code HADDOT. That's I-B-O-T-T-A in the Google Play or the App Store and be sure to use the code HADDOT. Okay listeners today Seth has found us some very interesting posts on Reddit that I want to share with you all the listener and with Kylie and Pumps to get your feedback because these are quite interesting. I think Pumps is going to have some significant and analytical feedback that only America's greatest legal mind could come up with. Absolutely.

Okay. The first Am I the Asshole post that we're going to tackle together as a team? Patriots, left leaning and leftist patriots is it's from Booger Butt 18. Okay. And it says, the title is, My Partner Wets the Bed and I'm Tired of It. The girl is a 24 year old female. She has a partner of nearly six years, 26 year old male. And the male has sleep apnea, which leads to nocturnal inuresis. I'm mispronouncing that, but it's also called bedwetting. He refuses to

maintain it. And I'm tired of it. It's been six years of this. I'm seriously considered leaving him over it. At this point, I understand that it's a medical issue that in itself cannot be resolved, but it can be maintained. But he won't. I've asked him to stop drinking liquids by 8 p.m. But I'm so thirsty, he says. I've asked him to wear adult diapers to bed. They make me uncomfortable, he says. Okay, but what about me? I get constant rashes from this.

I wake up drenched in someone else's bodily fluids on a fairly regular basis. I've woken up to him actively pissing on me before. God forbid we fall asleep touching slash cuddling. I have an unconscious habit of feeling all around the bed when I'm sleeping in, even if even if I'm somewhere else without him, because I'm so used to waking up to a piss soaked bed and needing to wake him up to take care of it. That's another thing. He doesn't even wake up after it happens. I don't

wake him up and he will sleep soaked in his piss for hours. He doesn't even notice if it doesn't get to me and the wet feeling doesn't wake up. The smell certainly does. He's ruined countless mattresses, even though we use two waterproof mattress covers as well as bed dressings and will only replace them after I repeatedly asked him to. I'm at such a loss and I feel so completely just disrespected to be honest. All caps, six years. She needs to feck and pack his bags, hit the bricks. Either you take care of your piss problem or you're out. I mean, it's not even a close call. Do you think? I would have broken up with him five years, 364 days ago. Right. Like first night. This

can't happen. Of the wedding of the bed. I think that would probably be the end of it. I just don't, I don't understand how sleep apnea goes to the bed wedding, but let's assume it does. Take care of it. It's a problem. He won't wear diapers. He won't wear diapers. He won't go get treated for it. He fucking sucks. There's got to be somebody out there better. There has to be. Let me ask you this, Pumps. If you found a guy or a person that you really liked a lot, I mean, really liked him, you

hit it off, I mean, firecrackers. I mean, it is just a full blown twin flame, if you will. We won't dive into who's the masculine, feminine. Right. We'll just leave that for the viewer. All right. So nonetheless, and you do a little slap and tickle in the bedroom, and then the person's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick. And then they came back out and climbed into bed and they had on a diaper.

And I'm talking, this is somebody under the age of 70, okay, 70 or under, and they come back, crawl up bed with you and there's a little pamper on them. and they come back crawl up bed with you and there's a little pamper on him. I think I couldn't do it. Sex was great. The chemistry is great. Well, I think let me throw in another, let me throw another one. He's a billionaire. Okay. Well that changes things a little bit. I'll tell you what, I just would say we can't like after sex, you have to go to your room. You have to go home and your diaper in your diaper, take your diaper and hit the road. Like I cannot, I can't do that. No, no thank you.

Ew. Let me ask you this. It's horrible. We all know this won't happen. So this is beyond a hypothetical, but let's just say that I was older than you. And I was in the nursing home and the nurse hadn't changed and I'm kind of barely clinging on for dear life, right? And they hadn't changed my diaper.

Would you come in and change my diaper? Absolutely. Isn't that sweet? I wouldn't mind. I just want to lay in bed with it, but I'd be happy to change it. All right, let's go to our next one. Am I the asshole for considering divorce because my wife told her friends I use a penis sleeve during sex? Wait, does anybody know what a penis sleeve is? No, but let's dive in. I 36 male have been married to my wife 34 for eight years. We have three children and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. Our sex life has always been great, but last year my wife wanted me to try on a penis sleeve, which actually improved our sex life ever more because it hit her in the right areas. She said

it's the best sex she's ever had in her life, which made me even happier. A week ago, my friend, 35 male, asked me about the sleeve because he's never tried it before and wanted to know what it was like. I was surprised he knew about this and asked him how did he know? He said his wife told him about it. My wife and his wife are in the same friend group. I was shocked that my wife had shared such a personal detail with her friends and I asked her about it. When I asked her about it, she confessed that she had shared to her friend group and that she shouldn't have. But she just wanted to talk about why

our sex life has become amazing recently. She apologized a lot, but I ignored her and I told her I needed some time to process this. Pussy. It's been a week and I've been trying to ignore her as much as possible. I'm sleeping in a different room. She cooks dinner every day, but I just go out to eat because I have no mood to eat at home. There is a tense atmosphere at home and my wife has apologized a lot, but I've just been trying to ignore her as much as possible. I don't think this can be fixed through therapy or a simple apology. I think this is a massive betrayal of my trust. It's just shocking to me that my wife would share such a personal detail with her entire friend group. I've been seriously considering the possibility of divorce. I know we have three

children, but I don't know how I'll ever reconcile with my wife ever again. At this moment, I'd rather just pay child support and alimony than be in her presence. But I know feelings can change. Am I the asshole? Can the situation even be fixed? How do I even trust my wife anymore? Okay, the answer to that question is yes, you are the asshole. B, you are the biggest fucking titty baby on planet

Earth. I don't know what a penis sleeve is, but it sounds like she was taking a victory lap because you were good in the hay. Take the wind and move on down the road. Callie, will you Google penis sleeve? She's got it right up here. Would you read the description? So it's a like rubber, it's shaped like a penis and you put it over your own penis and it makes your penis a larger. So it's like a an attached dildo. It all makes

it all makes sense. The camera lens is coming into focus. This is why because you notice when I started reading that the spiral that yeah, I mean, he just I mean, he's ready to chunk his whole marriage even though he has three kids. He's so worried about his penis sleeve, but it's because he has a teeny weeny. So at first when he felt betrayed, I was like, okay, I kind of, you know, she's out there talking about his penis sleeve and their sex life. And he felt like she shouldn't have shared that.

And I was with him for like a sentence or two. And then he goes four more paragraphs deep in this just death spiral. You know? Yep. And I think he's the biggest pussy on the planet. Because this is the deal. And women that are married and have kids, after you've had kids and you've been that vulnerable and exposed to childbirth and you don't, your give a fuck meter just starts to degrade. And then you're out with your girlfriends, you just talk about this shit. You just do. You share about sex.

I mean, like the time that you were telling me that your husband soft served you all the time. That was when y'all were married. I knew about it. I know it was soft serve. I knew it was Mr. Softy Snow Cone. Mr. yogurt swirl. I knew it was a yogurt swirl. Yeah. No, I just, first of all, I would have zero. I would obviously tell that I'm having great sex. Here's the deal. My husband has a teeny weeny. So we got on Amazon and I bought a penis sleeve and it's revolutionized our sex life. I think they had to name it a penis extender though. I think that's more accurate. I think

immediately we would have known what was going on with that. But for marketing purposes, they were genius to call it a sleeve because the stage five death spiral that this guy engaged in over on Reddit. He obviously has a complex about a small penis. There's no question. Here's what I want to know. Why does the wife keep apologizing? I think I would just say, look, sex is better when you have the sleeve on.

If you don't like it, hit the bricks. You've been in that situation before. I think that this isn't discussed that much in marriages, but I know from, you know, being our age and obviously me younger, but being our age ish and you've had all of these, you know, girls nights with girlfriends and whatnot, that men tend to oftentimes when they're in a safe space in their marriage, they show a lot of titty baby kind of behavior. They show this almost childlike hurt feelings and react in almost a childlike way that they don't feel safe enough out in the real world to behave that way. And so women often get a lot of

the men that just really hurt my feelings. And you know, it's peace at any cost. So you just keep apologizing, hoping that you can move on down the road because you realize how fragile the male ego is when you live with it. And it is a very fragile component in the home. It absolutely is. And here's what I'm thinking. Next time that motherfucker wants to go out to eat, I would load all three of those kids in their car seats in his car and say, you'll have a great time.

I would do that every single night. Why does she have to keep the kids during dinner? Because you're fucking pouting, because your penis is small. Who cares? I'll tell you who cares. He does. No. My co-host of this podcast. That you who cares. He does. No, the, my cohost of this podcast, that's who cares.

But I'm not fucking him. So I don't care about him. Right. But I, I admire that he was wanting to get a penis. What do they call it? Sleeve? Sleeve. She recommended it.

She, well, here's the deal. I think he's lucky he's gotten this far with her until he found the sleeve. And here's the thing, you know, people give us shit. Sometimes they say we body shame the penis. And that's true. We're a hundred percent guilty as charged, but what we're going at more than anything is the small dick energy. But it's nice that if you don't have that large of a penis, that you can get the

penis sleeve, which I just learned about today, today years old, sold when I found out naturally, I'm going on to Amazon to order one for Josh in every color. Yeah. And I just think women, when they go out with their girlfriends, they talk about this shit. Like if somebody's found like a great vibrator or partner toy, everybody tells about it because you want your friends to have good orgasms. All right, let's move on. Here is a post and the title of it is, I think I developed a kink.

I'm slightly confused because I'm not actually sure if it is a kink or not. Basically I, 28 year old male, had been married to my wife, 27 year old female for six years, and we were blessed with our son who is just over three years old. My wife weaned our son from breast milk about two-ish months ago and four days ago at night she was complaining that her breasts felt engorged. I jokingly said I'd suck it and instead of joking back she just agreed which surprised me. I think since she was super tired and uncomfortable, she really didn't care. So I did it. And at first it was gross. But then after a while, I started to enjoy it. My wife had fallen asleep by now. And I think I kept going until I fell asleep because in the

morning she woke me up and my head was resting on her stomach. She joked that it must have been so disgusting that I passed out and I fake laughed and agreed. So she said she would just cope with the uncomfortable feeling and not ruin my nights. Ever since then, I've had this constant urge to do it again. But I know it's super gross and weird as an adult. Is this a kink I've accidentally developed? I'm scared of how she would view me if I told her. Has anyone had this happen to them? Any advice would be helpful. Edit. Thanks for all the comments. It's really helped me evaluate some of the embarrassment I initially had. I mentioned in the comments, but I'll mention it up here too. I had pretty much always been slightly grossed out by breast milk in general. So when I suddenly found myself enjoying

it, I was just super embarrassed at the 180 I would be doing. I'm definitely ever reacting though. And I will talk to my wife once I get home. Another thing, my wife would always wear a top two during sex because she didn't want any leaking. So I think that played a part in me not wanting to tell her the truth either. And then big dong forever comments. You already done it once and she was okay with it. Don't be a wuss and suck that milk bro. Here's the situation. I'm gonna, I'm just gonna go ahead and dissect it. He's 28. She's 27. They've been married for six years. He uses the word blessed. Right. These are young, uh, mega church people that had to get married early to either cover up the fact that they were having premarital sex or so that they could quit having anal sex and finally

have vaginal sex post marriage. Or sex in the armpit, many of the other funky places. And so this is a guy that's probably grown up with a lot of shame surrounding a lot of stuff. I personally do think it's a little weird for a grown man to breastfeed on his wife's breasts. Right. If that's your thing, I don't care. It's not my business.

I mean, I wouldn't want to regulate or do anything like that, whatever. But I think that based on the date of marriage, when they were 22 and 21 years old, the rest of all of this nonsense kind of comes into focus. Yeah, I'm not. That wouldn't be my cup of tea either. But if he wants to do it, great. And she wants to let him do it. Great. Don't care about that. But the level of like shock and awe that he's having over the breast milk seems to me if she pulled out like a dominatrix chain or a peg or something. Here we go. He would have the come apart. If something really kinky happened to him, he really wouldn't know what was going on. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Pumps, this year is already going by so quickly. And you know, I think sometimes it's important to pause and take inventory when you feel overwhelmed

of all the things that you're proud of. I absolutely agree. And what I like to do most is sit down with my better help therapist in the privacy of my own home in my comfy clothes and just unload and touch base on where I am in my life. Listener, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give Better Help a try. It's online. It's designed to be convenient. It's flexible and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Take a moment. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help.

H e l p dot com slash had it. I can't come up with enough words to properly articulate how much I love Tubby and Cha-cha my dogs. Loving a dog is the purest love because it always comes back to you in full. That's why today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. In today's world, we insure a lot from cars and homes to cell phones and even travel plans. But what about insurance for your cat or dog? With ASPCA Pet Health Insurance, you can focus on the care your pet deserves and cover what matters most. The ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making

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Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Let me ask you this. Okay. Have you ever pulled out sex toys and you talking about it? You do all this big talk. You know I'm a big talker. You ever spanking anybody over there, Pumps?

No, just motorboating. Just Donald Trump with his magazine, with his picture on it. You over there motorboating with all the sex you've been having? You know what's amazing is that with my boobs, which were once as we all know, well, we don't all know, you know. A fantastic duo. They were fantastic. They were perky.

They were rock up. In my entire life, no motorboating really. You know what? There's still time. Yeah, there is still time. Here's what I foresee. And I've just seen this pattern pick up. I think you have a lot of sexual frustration that comes out where you talk about wanting to boss people around in the

bedroom. Right. It comes out episode after episode after episode. You particularly seem to really despise small penises. So I think we've got to go on the hunt for large penis men that you can dominate in the bedroom. And then I think your dream of finally motorboating someone, albeit now they are sagging dragons, but they are iconic.

What if they suffocate? They are iconic. You suffocated somebody? I don't want somebody to suffocate in there. someone, albeit now they are Saggadragons, but they are iconic. What if they are iconic? You suffocated somebody. I don't want somebody to suffocate in there. All right, here's our last one. And this is from Reddit. There's a 33 year old male and the wife is 34 year old female.

And the wife thinks my orgasms are gross. How do I handle this? My wife and I've been married for only two months. We dated two years and got married last year. We don't have any children and would like to have children one day. But my wife has suddenly and unexpectedly told me that she thinks when I orgasm, I shouldn't do it around her. She said specifically, she thinks the semen is gross and that it's not important that I have an orgasm during sex.

We had sex once or twice a month leading up to getting married. I'd have liked more, but I understand life gets in the way. But she never wanted me to ejaculate. She would have her orgasm and usually says, I can go finish myself in the bathroom or something. I've asked her to help me and she told me it's not her responsibility for me to get me to orgasm. Does she think semen is gross and unimportant? When I mentioned the semen point,

I asked her how she thought we'd have kids and how she'd get pregnant if I didn't have sex the normal way. She told me that it was rude to call it not normal and made her feel inadequate. But the part that shocked me was that she said she'd prefer to go IVF and she'd like to choose a donor based on certain features she'd like her kid to have. She kept saying her kid, not ours, or even acknowledge I'm part of this.

She said that while she loves me, she wants the best for her kid and wants the best donor she can find. This is a complete 180 from what we discussed before getting married. She said, I'm selfish for wanting my DNA for our kid. I'm honestly completely confused. She has never talked this way before we got married and never mentioned it. I'm totally lost here. How do I explain that she changed almost overnight and she's being unrealistic? I'm afraid she's leading us down a route of a sexless marriage, but then I feel guilty

for even thinking she owes me something. What? All right. All I have to say is who's going to tell him? I was just going to say, are you going to tell him? I'll tell him. That his wife's gay? Exactly. I'm kind of obsessed with this woman. Who is going to tell him? He married a lesbian. He married a lesbian and I love this gal. I love her. Let's go. She's an icon. She's an icon. She's iconic. Let's review. Let's review the shit that she told him and how much space she says, I've asked her to help me. And she told me it's not her responsibility for me to get me to orgasm

that she thinks semen is gross and unimportant. And then she goes on talking about her kid and her DNA and her donor. And then at the end of this, he says, I'm totally lost here. Like, dude, your wife's gay. Your wife's gay. It's no big deal. She married you.

Right. She figured it out. She figured it out. Now she doesn't want to be married to you. Cut bait, find somebody else, let her go get a great sperm donor. When the semen started coming out of that thing, she was like, whoa. No thank you. No thank you. This is a bridge too far, buddy. Right. I like that she doesn't want him to orgasm around her. I love her. She's super, super gay. It was my first thought. Yeah. But I just like the

reversal of roles. Yeah. Like, I'm gonna come you go handle your own. That's not my problem. Yeah. She's a boss bitch. You know what that is? That's a power lesbian. That's a power lesbian. She's kind of a but like, I can't help but really like her. Yeah, I really like her and then she starts saying how she doesn't want his DNA that kind of is hurtful. But everything else just you go girl. Yeah, but here's the deal. We're only hearing his side of the story. He might have like skank sperm or something like stinky or what skanks are I don't know like smells. I don't know. You hear about random sperm problems. You do? Rogue skank sperm? Right, like it smells bad and stuff. You got some, you've experienced some stinky skank sperm? No, but I feel like I've heard people talk about it. You really, where?

The suburbs? Haha. Mega church? Does somebody with a Stanley cup and a top knot unicorn headband tell you that? Is that what happened? No, but isn't that true? That sometimes sperm smells bad?

I think I have heard that sperm can be... Like, ugh. Yeah, we don't know all of the... The details. And he might be a dog. He could be, but I do think that this woman has figured out that, you know, she has a sexual desire. He gets her off and then she's like, get the fuck right out of here. You take your stinky, what do you call it? Skank sperm. Get the fuck out of here. It's not my problem. I'm not helping you finish this thing. And FYI,

I'm doing IVF and I'm getting a sperm donor because you're ugly. How's your self esteem today? All right, Pomp. So in review. Hold on. Here's my question. Do you think she has realized she's a lesbian yet? 100%. Okay. That's what I thought. But I just want to make sure like maybe she's still struggling. Maybe I don't know. You bring up a good point. At first, my first instinct was no. Right. That's kind of what I thought. But then you're right. Maybe she's's, you know, in the bargaining stage.

Right. Because I think that even for people, regardless of what your circumstances are, society has this expectation of what you're supposed to be, which is heterosexual. And I think that people that find that they are not that go through their own, you know, I hate saying this word, it's operand, journey. Yeah. But that is a journey. That genuinely is a journey where you learn more about yourself. So maybe she's in that process. And they're young. They're young. They're probably pretty religious. So they thought they had to get married right out of the box. Yeah. I think she probably is

just figuring out pretty soon. She's gonna have a co worker she spends a lot of time with that's female. Yeah, pretty soon. They're having sleepovers. Yeah, pretty soon. She's gonna have a coworker she spends a lot of time with that's female. Pretty soon they're having sleepovers. Pretty soon. She's pegging. She's pegging and he's out. And he's sitting there going, what happened? How did this happen?

And it's like, go back to your Reddit thread. And we know exactly what happened. Go back to your diary entry that should have been a diary entry, but you put it on the internet. And we personally would like to thank you for sharing that We know exactly what happened. Get back to your diary entry that should have been a diary entry, but you put it on the internet. And we personally would like to thank you for sharing that because it's been great content for our podcast.

That's right. Absolutely. Two months in, that's when he figured it out. Yeah. Yeah. Man, Seth, those are great finds on Reddit. I think those are very interesting stories. I do think that we've had several themes, several arcs that we follow in

this podcast. One, of course, has been your lesbian arc. The new arc that I would want all of the listeners, and I think y'all been picking up on this because she's certainly been putting it down, is this arc of Pumps being, I mean, she is dehydrated, famished beyond all comprehension for sex. I think she would even take a skank sperm. That's how desperate the situation is. And within that part, I'm constantly hearing about, she wants to kind of gripe people out. She wants to boss men around.

And I think this episode, she's talking about what if they start spanking it and then whip it and they bring out the leather. And I mean, I've been friends with this woman for years and I've just heard all this S and M talk and all of this rock hard cock talk on our Patreon, which we're about to flip to next will be our pumps named it not me. Our post shows are called the rock hard cock chats. Pumps named it. It's her brand. It's her baby. It's my brand. So there's just two arcs that we're following here as listeners. And it is of course the lesbian arc, but now I'm kind of leaning in like, I mean, you're just as confused with this girl that hates the sperm. Now I hear this dominatrix arc taking shape. Don't you, Kylie? Absolutely. All right. It's a leather bodice and a... See? Do you see what I mean?

There's no denial. Maybe some vinyl boots like thigh high. Absolutely. I'm just going to go all in. Why stop there? You know what you can get your victims? Those little ball gags. Ooh, yes.

Look at that excitement. Ooh, a ball gag. Memaw. God. All right, listen, the rock hard cock chat starts now on Patreon. If you haven't joined, look yourself in the mirror and say what the fuck am I doing with my life and pumps tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both.