I've Had It - Soaked in the Devil with Zachariah Porter

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined in studio by the hilarious Zachariah Porter. The three have had it with wedding culture, domestic terrorism via public restroom and the ridiculous removal of smoking sections on airplanes. Zachariah also whips out his famous East Coast mom impression that we all know and love. Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Thank you to our sponsors: RocketMoney: Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions – and manage your money the easy way – by going to RocketMoney.com/HADIT JustThrive: Get 20% off your first 90-day bottle of Just Calm and Just Thrive Probiotic today – Visit JustThriveHealth.com and use promo code: HADIT Liquid Death: I’ve Had it Podcast listeners get 20% off their first Liquid Death apparel purchase available exclusively at LiquidDeath.com/HADIT. Exclusions may apply. Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at Shopify.com/hadit SimpliSafe: Listeners get a special 20% off any SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. This huge offer is for a limited time only. Visit SimpliSafe.com/HADIT That’s SimpliSafe.com/HADIT. There’s no safe like SimpliSafe. Draft Kings: Download the DraftKings Casino app NOW, sign up with promo code HADIT, and new customers get a deposit match up to ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more! Only on DraftKings Casino with promo code HADIT. Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest Zachariah Porter: @zachariah

So we supposed to start the podcast. All right. One, two, three. Unbelievable. I think it helps when I don't look at my hand. It's like, it's like you were born to podcasts. It's like I was born to class. Look, serious, it's unbelievable how you just consistently

deliver that sound. Not all the time. I mean, you're really fighting like a lot of boobs to make that happen. You're, you're really fighting like a lot of boobs to make that happen. You're you're absolutely on the Sag and Dragons. I have some geographical issues every Tuesday and Thursday. You fucking deliver. Yes.

Well, I do my best. Listener today is a fantastic day. We have a guest that has traveled a very long distance to Oklahoma City to be with us. So I want to welcome you to be with us. So I wanna welcome you to, I've had it, a podcast about positivity and being a better person, I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star of our show.

And today, Zachariah Porter is joining us all the way from New York City. He is the star of Camp Counselor podcast. He is a comedian, his Instagram and TikTok or L-O-L fall down. You cannot wrap your head around how funny this mean and he has traveled this far because he wants to sit in the same room as royalty. Isn't that right? It's so true to see the clap live that I've heard so many times. It took my breath away. I'm so collecting myself.

So if I'm a little, you know why. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable. And then when you see the sag and dragons in real time. Right. Listen, the princess Diana of podcasting, it really is true. I'm honored to be your in royalty. Yeah.

We're so glad you came. I love Oklahoma City. I was just telling you guys off camera. It is just so incredibly hot here for anyone that's, I don't know, a key adverse like I am. It's a little difficult. Yeah. But the HVAC in the city is top tier.

So congratulations to all the HVAC people here. I think the HVAC is so successful. Otherwise, the homicide rate would be astronomical. Understandable. You know, and there would be rioting and things so that, you know, it's like also here, nobody's very environmentally friendly. So like fucking let that CEO to go. Right. You know what I mean? This is oil and gas countries. So everybody's just like,

fucking let it rid it, let it rip. And nobody get but hurt. I think we need to save the planet. Don't I mean, that's a trigger warning. We can laugh about that. Exactly. Everybody letting up already. This is the podcast world. I've had it. I've had it. Everybody is takes. There's so many people that take what we say seriously. Of course.

And this entire podcast is basically satire. And it's just bitching at this point. All right. Totally. And I think bitching is healthy. Bitching is necessary. And the people who don't bitch, I don't trust. I really know you're present.

Because then you're not bitching in front of me and then you're bitching about me. And now we're not at the same bitch page. I'm not doing it. Everybody who acts like, oh, my life is so great. Everything's so perfect. I'm like, I don't trust you as far as I can pick you up and throw you.

And then you're not even a fun person either. What do we have to talk about at this point? Yeah, no. And then those people, if you notice, like, stepford, wife, like people, you meet them and they have this veneer. And then you've known them for 10 years, and you never know them better from the first 10 minutes

than 10 years later. There's nothing behind it. Nothing. That's such a weird kind of way to live your life too. It's like so inauthentic or inauthentic, and I just think, like, that's not the kind of person I want to surround myself with. I want to be at a local dive bar with a woman

who has a cigarette in her mouth and she's got a lot to tell. That was her mind. Those are my people, you know? Same. I want somebody who has, has experienced suffering, and owned it, and become a better person because of it, because everybody experiences suffering. It's what do you do with it once you experience it?

Do you deny it and act like a robot and then judge everybody who bitches from time to time? Or do you dig deeper and become a better person and a more fun person who's completely content with bitching? Love how we've started this so motivational totally to the listeners out there like congrats you guys are really strapping for a great episode This is gonna be good. What a million percent so in staying on, Zachariah, please tell us what you've had it with. I've had it with everything. But what I'm really having with it right now is it's wedding culture in general. Yeah. So I'm 28 years old. So I'm at this point in my life where everyone's either pushing on a baby or popping a ring on their

finger. And I love it. And I love these celebrations. I don't love the commitments that come with people's choices. I don't affect me. I'm being asked to show up to party after party event after event with an expensive gift. Right. That's the rub. These registries are getting really insane. Oh, yeah. And I love it. It's shake to go through, but then I'm looking at it. I'm like, okay, well, you got engaged to the engagement party and then we have the bridal party and then we have the batch the red trip and then the wedding. Because you have to get a gift for everything, plus with the babies,

there's just so many gifts that come with people's decisions that don't have anything to do with me. Right. I love to celebrate, but, you know, does that make sense? Totally. Totally make sense.

And I feel like, I feel like the wedding thing is blowing up even more. Yes. At some point, somebody needs to start waving a red flag and saying, here's the deal. It's not as good as you think it is. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, these girls and guys need to be warned. I think it was comedian Chris Rock that said one time, I don't know why everybody's upset about gay marriage. Let them have a crack at it. It's not that great. Maybe they'll be better at it. And it's like, it's like, OK, let's calm down a little bit about this and let's realize,

like you're going to get in this marriage. And whatever broken pieces you have from your childhood, and everybody's fucking got them. And then whatever broken piece as your spouse has, that's all going to play out in that marriage. It's all going to play out. And you're going to look at your spouse sometimes in love them, want to jump their bones, have a blast, hold their hand, feel romantic, feel camaraderie. And other days, you're going to look at them and think, if I Google how to slowly kill somebody, will the FBI find out? Right. And they will.

And they will find out. They will. Because I watched Dateline. Yeah. And they found out on Dateline. They found out on Dateline Keith Morrison, the guy that host Dateline. He gets to bottom of everything Zachariah. I love that.

No, I just feel like weddings, I feel that whole story, that whole life story for people. I just used to feel a little bit more intimate and a little bit more between the two people. And now it's such a public display of what did I do better than my friend on Instagram? And it doesn't seem as authentic anymore.

And it's just so over the top public that I'm like, why am I so wrapped up in this? I'm just a guest here. I'm a friend. You know, when I get married one day, God willing, I'm not inviting anybody. All right. My aunts and uncles, I only see you on Christmas. You're not getting any invite to this one, okay? There's going to be 10 people there.

Half of them are going to be animals, okay? Just not getting any invite to this wedding, okay? There's gonna be 10 people there. Half of them are gonna be animals, okay? Just as a piece and nobody else, okay? I just, I've pitched about this so publicly to my friends too lately. I'm like, you know what, I'm keeping it real small, real tight, you know? Right, let's talk about this component of wedding culture. And it is the circle jerk that a reception toast

about like, I hope that you have had as much joy and love that your father and I have had and we have been so happy. And they paint this rosy picture before this couple just immediately walks into this, you know, there's trappings to marriage. You know, when everybody fills it to some extent

and those of you out there that want to type in the comment section, I've been happily married for 21 years and never just like my husband fuck off. I've been in a relationship for three years and we just like each other every other week, but that's what life is. That is right. Totally. That's what it flows. Totally. And in like, in knowing that, like if you have an awareness, like, my husband's bothering me this week, but I could be the problem. Right. And once you realize that, like if you have an awareness, like my husband's bothering me this week, but I could be the problem. Right. And once you realize that, that maybe you're projecting,

that it's not him, maybe it's you and you start growing more as a person, but we have to, let's talk about the Circle Jerk speeches. Yeah, it really is. And I love when the maid of honor gives a really emotional speech and it seems really prepared and I'm like, I was giving. I like that. And then we have, then we have like the

best man come up and you know, he didn't write it. You didn't write it on a jam thing. And he's just embarrassing himself on pair. And then I drunk completely shit face. And then you're watching and you're like, this is just so incredibly, it's so uncomfortable for us all to watch. And then we have the parents and then the side parents and the families, it's so uncomfortable for us all to watch. And then we have the parents, and then the side parents, and the families, it's just, it's so, it doesn't seem genuine to me. It doesn't, and what about the people who start humble bragging in their toes,

and making this speech passive aggressively about them? Oh, that's a really bad way to live your entire life, to be honest. Turn it back on yourself. You all have experienced this right. Yes, and I hate people like that, wedding, wedding, baby shower, whatever, on earth. I don't want to be around a humble burger. Yeah.

It's rampant and scary. They don't even know it either. You can tell. Right over their head. Breath-taking lack of self-awareness as they're doing. It's like, I knew when I first met John that Jane would be the perfect spouse. So I set them up and much to my surprise, they feel madly in love. Who knew I was such a great matchmaker.

And they're saying there and they're like, you know what? For all the breakfasts that you made us on the couch, I didn't like you initially, but now coming to know it just it's so self-soaked and like, I don't know, their own selves where it's like, this isn't even about, who is this wedding about now? I feel like everybody's taking a turn, taking a moment in the spotlight here. It just doesn't seem like it's supposed to be that way.

Sometimes I feel this, and I'm sure everybody's gonna fuck an explode in the comments section, but I have to say it. Say it. Sometimes I feel like weddings are selfish. Yeah, nobody is, it's the same for yourself. And then everybody gets drug in. And it's like in that Brian Grimer, this is our day. This is our day. God damn it. And then we're all like, you know, it's some destination. You got to go to some rat trap. Well

comparty. You're on their itinerary and you traveled that far. And sometimes I just feel like it's I just, I just feel like they're selfish and that could probably be about me everybody because I'm a Gorg phobic and I don't like to leave my house. Right. So it's about you then, right there? Probably. Yeah, but I still had it and I think they're selfish

for the permanent record, Kylie. This is your show, exactly. Well, and I agree with the same concept is like you have to have a photographer when you're, when you get engaged. Everybody has to make a production for Instagram. Yeah. And then you go to all the showers, same thing.

And then you go, you know, get the dress. So you have all the bridesmaids getting the dress together. We have to post that on Instagram. It's become more of a social media fan. So a lot of forced gatherings. And I don't like to be forced together with people that much. What about the bride who's going to use those wedding photos for the next 12 years on Instagram?

Yes, I like him. I just want to post to one more time for my bestie throwing it back to the best day of my life. Girl, I forget real here, I can't do it. What about Happy Father's Day to my dad and it's on the wedding day, right? And they just recal- I mean, recirculate those over and over and over because I mean, it's like is that peak?

Like if you're still- if you're married 10 years and you're still posting your wedding photos to me and I am a non-licensed psychiatrist and psychologist. Yeah, but you play one on a podcast. Yes, for me, that makes me think they're thinking about happier times in the marriage versus the current state. That's just a little Freudian analysis.

I'm throwing in for free for the listener. I think it's because they had their hair and makeup done and they were thinner. I think it's strict vanity. That kind of goes hand in hand with the people who are obsessed with their high school years. It's like, the glory day should always be kind of like, I don't know. I'm always like pushing for more of like what I want. You know, I don't, I don't love to look back like that. And some people

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Okay. You do on your Instagram some impersonations of an east coast overbearing mother. Yes. And pumps hasn't seen this. Would you please impersonate a mom getting her daughter ready to, you know, back in the bridal suite before she's going to walk down the aisle before the wedding? Yeah. Can you just free-ball it and do it?

Usually I have a wig on to really soak me so I can't sure here. Right. But she'd walk it and she'd say, you know what honey, our relationship wasn't the best man your father. And that's why he's not here today. You could be so much better than we ever were. Okay, so I'm gonna go get some dunks for us. I eat coffee for you, and this is gonna be a good day.

Just look pretty sucketed, sucketed. And honestly, good life advice. Always sucketed in a photo. You know, last time I was sucketed for a photo with a couple girls, and I'm thinking about right now. I'm like, God, the shirt was tight. It was snug. I didn't suck it in.

I'll pay for that in that tag photo later. My husband gets tortured by stuff like this. Yeah. Like if there's a photo taken and he feels like there's a slight look of a man, Boobe, or he just, I mean, he'll, like, let me see that again and he'll be like, Oh, God, please don't post it. I'm naturally immediately pop it up on my story. I should show.

Yeah. Um, bull hem, you know, totally. I love your accent. Your New York mother accent. It's fantastic. It's fantastic. So it's, it's, everything's just New York. I'm from Massachusetts and that's the accent there.

In Massachusetts. And I was just raised by women, always around women my entire life. And that's why I play so many like women characters. Yeah. Because I just, I enjoy that presence. I love the female presence. Oh, totally.

And I mean, when you listen or if you go to his Instagram and TikTok, I mean, you just, you will not start laughing. Stop laughing. It's that type of content. And it's so relatable because even though our moms would speak in a southern accent, a mom is a mom.

Yeah, that kind of interpersonal relationship. And you just nail it. Thank you. What other dead horses do you want to drag out and beat? I mean, I think we have murdered weddings. Yeah. We hit it. So this is another one for me.

It's customers that go in and they treat restaurant workers with disrespect. And it's like, and it's so, so I was actually at a breakfast place this morning. And the sign set, I was in Oklahoma, the sign set, it was like, oh, basically, be patient because the world is short staff. So just be kind, do you know what I mean? I'm like, the fact that we have to remind grown adults with a preschool sign is unbelievable to me.

It is, it is. It is crazy. What do you think in particular about people that order an item and maybe the restaurant slammed and the item comes out and it's not exactly correct. And they immediately motion for the waiter to come over and send it back to the kitchen. What do you think about those kinds of people's acariah?

If it's an allergy, I understand. If it's an allergy, just suck it up and eat it, okay? Because this public display of just insanity is a little embarrassing. I worked in the restaurants for eight years. I did too. There's a way to do it. And there's a way to get what you ordered, right?

I understand that. But it's just when people, like, I don't know, lead with disrespect, it's embarrassing. Okay, first of all, she's talking about me. What did you do? Just, please tell us. I'm really bad about like if my order's not right, but I also was a server forever and ever.

So you say right. So I never blame the staff. I'm like, I'm so sorry, this is not right. I know it wasn't you. I know it was something that kids should have. That's no big deal. I'm so nice. We can call 10 of my friends right now.

Let's call your kids. Let's call your kids. I want to phone a friend. I want to phone a kid. That's because I get impatient. I want to phone a kid. And I guarantee you these kids would say, how many times if you left a restaurant

or waited walked away from the table and your kids have said you mom quit being rude? Tell the truth. Well, they don't say rude. They're just stalking that way. I'm not answering. A lot. Yeah.

A lot. But I'm really nice about it. Yeah. If you're nice, I'm just too. And if it's just a little, like, I got sausage instead of bacon with my breakfast order, that's fine. But it went, it's like, I said, no, A, B, C, and D, and I got A, B, C, and D. I'll be like, hey, this is wrong if I can't like peel it off or whatever.

But I'm nice about it. That's okay. Well, what about this, right? So I worked at an Olive Garden for five years. And that's an absolute hell of a job. I was a host at an Olive Garden when I was 16 years old I see you're already aware from the pasta we make to lasagna we bake Oh, that hour wishing you a happy birthday. Have the song go that wasn't our song. That was not our song

That was ours, but this was like 1990. Oh, you got the classic heads back then. Oh It was just Happy Boots. Yeah, it was just the classic. You didn't do the Olive Garden like. No, and I think that really would have sat me over the edge. That would have been much better. Yeah, cute. I was into it.

I was 16 years old. It's one of my first jobs. I was a hostess. I didn't ever complicate it. I was efficient. I was good at seating people. I worked on not double seating. I took a lot of pride in it and you

smell like garlic, all the fucking times. Yeah, the searchers. OK, so go on. No, I would have parents bring in their kids in and the kids would throw mountains of food on the floor. And then they'd look at you and they'd be like, oh my god, how crazy. So, so sorry. And they'd walk out. And they'd pick it up. No. And like if it's crumbs, this is whatever. But this was pounds of spaghetti. And I think it just says this trend where people are going to restaurants and like, completely clocking out

of being a human being. Right. And just abusing staff. And I've had it. It's so embarrassing. And now, with them, they're excited about where I don't work in a restaurant, but I go out with people.

When I see like other people, I don't know, snappy like this, that, and they're, or they're a mess. I just, these are people, you know what I mean? Right. Tip well, people light and just relax. Okay. You're a mess. It's just, these are people, you know what I mean? Right. Tip well, right, polite and just relax. Okay, you're not cooking. I always tip.

I'm sure I need to. I'm always. I can be forgiven with a tip. You know, and we need to inject into here that these waiters make like $2 and our governments have done nothing about paying people a livable wage. And it's corporate exploitation on us, the consumer, but it is what it is for right now.

And people are just hustling, I waited tables, you waited tables, you waited tables, college you wait tables. Oh my gosh, I think it's a great job. It's a great job. That's great money too. Yeah, it is great money. But you have to tip people, even if I have a total bitch

of a waitress or a complete asshole, I still tip well because I think, I don't know what's going on in their life. They're broken, they're having a bad day. I still minimum 20%. And that's good, that's the way to live for sure. You know, when you waited tables, and I guess you probably waited tables in the East Coast,

but I always like to ask this question because I know what the answer is, you know what the answer is. The worst tip is any shift, anytime, what day of the week, am or PM shift. I don't know. What would you, what would you, what would you say? Tell me, church crowd. It's day morning. My God, Sunday morning, not you worshiping to the Lord and then coming to berate me on the, on the

letter. They were the rudest, unbelievable. They worst, they worst tippers. I know. The biggest dicks on the planet. Dressed in pastel, totally soaked in the devil honestly Terrible people for sure. Yeah, I know and then I got this a couple times. I'm not joking I would get a tip show I'm not gonna lie about it But I get a fake dollar that was like a Jesus dollar And I'm looking like I'm like what is it a one dollar? I'm like oh no they grow on the credit card So but this is this is a pamphlet for me to go to their church

What is it? The one dollar? Oh no, they grow on the credit card. So, but this is this is a pamphlet for me to go to their church. It's 15% you know, you mean my God, I couldn't believe it. The proselyzing is out of control now that you're saying you're right. The after church crowd is crazy. They were the worst and they mob at the same time. I remember I would work a shift and I would get like I worked three or four hours and they would tip like two dollars here, a dollar there.

And then right like, you know, it's signed the credit card and put salms and put some Bible verse with it. With a dollar 50 tip and I'd go home and I'm like, I didn't even make minimum wage. Like I literally, after I tipped out the best boy, tipped out the bartender, I'm walking home with like $25.

And I'm just like, I hate these people. I know. Oh, good. Oh, terrible. Are you too young to remember the smoking section inside restaurants? just like, I hate these people. I know. Oh, good. Terrible. Are you too young to remember the smoking section inside restaurants? I, when I was a little kid, my Nana would take me out

and she always wanted to set the smoking section, but at that point, they were already moving that out. Yeah, so I don't, that's, I love to go to a casino now because I have a drink at a bar and smoke a cigarette. And I'm like, this is how the way life was supposed to be lived here. I'm sure we used to fight over who got the smoking section because the smokers and the drinkers,

they always were in the smoking section. Yeah. Yeah. I always tipped great. Always tipped better. I bet. Yeah, because those people, they're out and about. This is a little treat for them. You want to hear something that's a total trip. What? We used to take flights, imagine being in an airplane, and there was a smoking and non-smoking section of first class. Yes. How are you separating that? There's not. The first three seats were one, two, and three were non-smoking. Okay.

Four, five, and six were smoking. Rip in them. Right. I mean, double shot, triple shot, if I can rip in through them. And then you'd go to coach, and it would be the first, let's say there's, you know, 50 rows. The first 25 were smoking. The last were not. And everybody just, I remember I went to Japan when I was like 19 years old, smoke cigarettes,

went with my friend Kazooay, she was this Japanese girl that I went to college with, she was an exchange student. And so this is long flight. We get hammered on the flight and chain smoke. I'm going to smoke two packs of cigarettes and the ashtray was in the arm. Yeah. So you'd flip this thing open. You're just smoking on the airplane. It's the best. It's the best. Well, you were so bored, too. You're in a flake. That's exactly what else do you have to do but drink and smoke? Drink and smoke. Bring it back. Hey, can we bring it back Delta? It's mine.

It's a playful Delta. It's so funny though, because when you think about it, like it always smelled like cigarette smoke. There was no ventilation difference. Stay playful, Dalton. It's so funny though, because when you think about it, it always smelled like cigarette smoke. There was no ventilation difference. Oh, those poor people who didn't smoke it, I love that. Oh, don't you know they hated it? That Sunday brunch crowd, they were maddered and hornets on planes too, I bet.

That's funny now. I wish it was still like that a little bit. Did you smoke? I did, because it was a restaurant. It just went for like 10 years. I started smoking because I had a crush on a boy that smoked. Oh, it's so cute. It is cute, so you're like, wait, I'm ruining my lungs now for a man that I'm even with anymore.

Let me ask you this. What was your favorite cigarette the day? My favorite cigarette the day was an after it was a night cigarette. Like maybe after I ate or after I drank a drunk cigarette still to this day. A drunk cigarette. I quit drinking because I can't smoke anymore. Right, that's part of it. It's also because my husband's a recovering alcoholic

and that's a way for me to support him, but also like, I can't have a drink without a cigarette. Are you guys moaning, Smokers? Yeah, you were. First cup of coffee, Smok, that was my favorite. Set the tone. Okay, Zach, right, what else? What other horse do we have to drag out and beat? Um, I so how do I how do I phrase this? There

is an epidemic going on in this country right now, and it is the um, destruction of public restrooms. Oh, and there are people here that I think are domestic terrorists. I completely agree with you. Have you ever run to the bathroom and a marshals or a target and walked in there and said, what the hell is happening here? Just happened. Yes, I have. It is so vulgar. It is so disgusting.

And I think we should be prosecuting these people and exactly the full success end of the law. So I have a plan. I think we should hire some sort of state officials here. OK, we all pay enough taxes here. Get somebody on the ground here and have them checking bathrooms and identifying who these people are to make sure that the rest of us can live our lives in peace.

Boots on the ground. Boots on the ground. Yes. Figure out these menaces and just we need to fix this. I have an idea. What is it? Okay, we have this bathroom, Marshall. Marshall, Marshall.

We have the bathroom, Marshall at the door. Okay. And you have to show him your bathroom app. You know, Uber gives you five stars. And you wait the driver driver five stars. Yes. So he looks at your app. Okay. If you have below four stars, no soup for you.

Go to the 7 11. You cannot use this potty. Yeah. The Marshall then will, if you have four or above, he'll escort you to your toilet and say, once you flush, please open the door and I will come get you to do an inspection. And there also needs to be a sink inspection. Because let me tell you what else if I can really just let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. You wash your hands. The water goes everywhere. You go ahead and you go over and you get a towel, right? Sometimes it's

the air blower, but some places still have the like towels. and you get a towel, right? Sometimes it's the air blower, but some places still have the like towels. When you get the towel, go ahead and do a wipe down on the sink. Get that extra water off of there. Yeah. Even go ahead and get the faucet head. I mean, just go and shine that shit up.

Just takes two extra seconds. It's a team effort, everybody. It is your part. It's so true. Let me tell you what you haven't had to deal with in the women's restrooms. Let's hear it. Tam Ponds and maxi pads.

Oh, what's happening? Just let me know. What's happening over here? I mean, sometimes you walk in and there's blood on a toilet seat. Yeah, a tampon that's not flushed. It looks like a murder scene. So how did that person get up and just say, you know what? I'm good with this.

I know, that's what I don't get. Like, people that like poop in public and don't flush it. I'm like, what the fuck is going on that you think anybody wants to see that? And then maybe they want you to see it. You just never know. That's what it is. This is an epidemic.

And these are terrorists. What exhibitionists? Yes. We have pooping exhibitionists. I think we do. Yeah, and they're at the marshals. They're at the target. They're everywhere. They're everywhere.

I'm going to tell you something, listen, if you were a shit exhibitionist, you're banned from I've had it podcast and camp counselor podcast, we are both uniting on this cause. Statistically, there's one of you out there, and this is your come to Jesus moment, fixed to behavior. Flush the fucking toilet. Let's talk about some steps that people can take. Okay, so you walk into a restroom. Here's what I do. Yeah. I go ahead, because I have to sit. So I go ahead and take toilet paper down,

and I do a wipe down at the seat, and I still don't sit on the seat, but usually there's P spots on it, and I wipe it down before I pee. I hover, and I bounce out of an eight count as I pee, and I say, five, six, seven, eight, and I'm peeing one, two, Tom, done. I get more tissue, wipe, then I get another fresh tissue, wipe the seat down, reach up,

flesh the toilet with my foot out, wash my hands if paper towels are available, do a wipe down at the sink and exit the bathroom. That's a perfect plan. That was the perfect plan. I also love the like the core workouts in the middle of that. And glute and hamstring and quad. That's amazing. And if you ate count it out, now pumps barebacks.

I just don't, I'm not a germaphobic all. I mean, if there's like tinkle or something, then I'll have her. But normally I just flop down. Yeah. And that's okay. You know what? Listen, we've made it this far. If that's what you're taking out, so be it. In the men's room, we have the urinal, and that's what's so shocking to me because it's

just a big ol' hole in the wall. Yeah. How we miss in this thing. But I have noticed that some bars put these little stickers in the urinals. It'll be like a little fly or a little blue jaw, and it will prevent people from pissing on the floor because now we've created a game for the men. Right. Oh, we got to hit that thing. It's kind of brilliant It's it's a little sticker and we've solved it because that's how simple men can be sometimes a little blue jaw on a urinal And we have an activity. I have a lot of questions about the urinal. Yeah, let's hear it

Okay, because I've never obviously peed in a urinal So as a man you go into the urinal and let's say like a super hot guy's next to you. Yeah. Do you side eye the dick? No, I don't because I'm a five foot nine gay man. If I do anything inappropriate, someone could swing at me and I be on the floor. You know what I mean? But I don't do it. No, I don't know. I bet some people do.

Well, it's how some people hook up in this culture here. I really mean. Okay. My question is, well, if you don't side eye the dick, but okay. So you're walking through and you see somebody and you notice they have a huge penis. So you look, yeah, your eyes are gonna wander. So this happens to at old baseball games.

I don't know if you guys don't spend me a huge sports fan. Me too. I'm joking, I'm literally not. But they have some of these old baseball fields, they have these like troughs. Yes. So people are just a these like troughs. Yes. So people are just a whipping amount in their hair.

And then hey, you're gonna see what you're gonna see. And I'll tell you this, nine and a 10 times, it's not what you want. No, it's not. Horrifying. It's not the off-scale ratio with men and dick size is really more epidemic than anything we've talked about. Yeah. Big men with small penises, small men with big penises.

Well, the band you're going to, that's going to show you what he's got is not the man that you want to see. That's right. You know, you might be too young to remember this, but this is one of my favorite political scandals of all time. It was a senator named Senator Larry Craig, and he was the senator of some mountain state. I think it was like Wyoming or Utah. Utah.

Anyway, he is in like the Detroit and I might get the details of the airport wrong. It's been many years. He is a United States Senator and he's traveling like either through many Minneapolis or Detroit somewhere around where all the lakes are, right? And I guess there had been all this talk on some online thing that this one stall, at this one's men's restroom, you can do some gay stuff at the airport, okay?

So this US Senator, sitting US Senator goes to, and the sign wise you sit down at the stall and then you tap your foot over to the next one. And then the guy there knows that you're there because you've seen the site and y'all can do gay stuff, okay? So he's doing the tap stuff and then the guy taps back and then he starts tapping more.

Well then the guy comes over and it's like bested federal agent handcuff. Oh wow. It was a sting operation. And of course this guy had been voting against this was before the Supreme Court voted to make gay marriage legal. So he had voted for all the anti-gay stuff. It was a huge Bible thumper. You know, the whole pedigree that you have for closet gay sex with white men. Right.. Constantly on TV, constantly in the paper,

the evils of homosexuality. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Super homophobic. Total homophobic. Yeah. Isn't that so weird how it always ends up being this place? Always. And it's like not, I haven't heard that story,

like specifically, but I've heard this story with government officials being on Grindr or hooking up on the low. And then their like political agenda is just so homophobic, but I just don't understand it. It's like, what are we compensating for here? So now I meet people or I find out who's super homophobic. Now that's my instant thought process because like history shows that, okay, well, you're

repressing something. Right. And it's embarrassing at an airport as a senator. Yeah. Higher somebody. There's people. There's how all I have to ask. I mean, Lindsey Graham seems to have kept it pretty private today. There was that whole ladybug thing on the internet there for a while,

but that thing got squashed out. I mean, I don't let, listen, I mean, it's no secret to our listeners that I'm particularly careful Republicans or Republican policies. Mm-hmm. But I mean, an airport, of course, I'm like tap in the vein reading every article I can. My mother is obsessed with gay Republicans' gandles. I mean, she just like, you know, is frothing at the mouth. She can't get enough of it.

She loves it so much. Airports are a spot, though, for sure. Are they? Yeah, it's funny. I think there's just historically been these like spots for gay people to hook up because you couldn't. And now, now with apps and stuff like you can do what you got to do. But yeah, I believe it completely.

Wow. I would have never guessed. Not the sting operation though on the center of her cheeks. Isn't that the best thing ever though? And the best thing. And then of course, he has to resign. Karma is a misunderstanding. I wasn't tapping for that. Oh, blah to resign. Karma. It's a misunderstanding. I wasn't tapping for that.

Oh, blah, blah. Yeah. Karma is a bitch. He's gonna be gonna stall and tapping someone by accident multiple times. Like, what are you fighting for your life in there? Right. Yeah.

When we first started this podcast, people were like, you'll have got to have merch. And I'm like, okay. We can't do merch. We don't know how. How on earth are we going to do that? And mail it to people and charge them for it and keep track of all of it?

Like, I couldn't even wrap my head around what we were supposed to do. It's unbelievable how easy Shopify made that for us. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide. And if two morons, like Pumps and I, can get on there and set up an account to help get you all Merch you guys can do it too for your businesses no matter how large or small your businesses Shopify is the perfect fit sign up for a one dollar

Permit trial period at Shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash had it to take your business to the next level today. shopify.com slash had it. Listener, I cannot tell you how worried I was about the safety and well-being of the star of our show. She was living in a home with zero security system. Thankfully, I got her a simply safe system and had it installed. They've got eyes on an intruder. Agents can confirm to 911 dispatchers

that it is real and request a police dispatch. They have advanced motion detection, vision AI, and all sorts of bells and whistles. Pumps, do you feel safer? I feel safer when I'm there and when I'm not there. It's so comforting. And it's very easy to use. Very easy. Very easy to install. We even figured it out.

Right. Right now, I've had it listeners get a special 20% off in a simply safe system when you sign up for fast protect monitoring. This huge offer is for a limited time only. So visit simplysafe.com slash had it. That simplysafe.com slash had it. There's no safe, like simply safe. So Pumps, I'm always signing out for all these subscriptions.

Maybe it's a newspaper article that was behind a paywall and some like, well, I have to read it. So I sign up for it. Or it's a podcast that I want to be able to binge sooner. So I sign up for that. Well, it keeps charging you monthly. And then I think, well, I don't even remember what it is. So how do I even know what I'm paying for?

I do it all the time. The worst. Thankfully, I found RocketMoney. RocketMoney can cancel a subscription for you that was otherwise tricky and or time consuming. And it's been incredibly helpful. I've eliminated like 10 to 15 subscriptions that I wasn't even using,

and it's many right back in my account. RocketMoney is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. Pumps, if you used it. You can also use the link in the description box below. You can also use the link in the description box below. You can also use the link in the description box below. You can also use the link in the description box below.

You can also use the link in the description box below. You can also use the link in the description box below. by going to rocketmini.com slash had it. That's rocketmini.com slash had it. Rocketmini.com slash had it. Okay, is that correct? It's time to play a game. And it is the hottest game on the World Wide Web. And I don't know if you've heard of it, I'm sure you probably have,

because everybody's talking about it's called had it or hit it. Everybody's talking about it. Everybody's talking about it, because Princess Diana is involved in it. Please. Oh my God, welcome to had it or hit Princess Diana is involved in it. Please. Oh my god. Welcome to Had it or Hit it. I would hit it.

I would. Had it. I hit it every day sometimes twice a day. Okay. Zachariah, had it or hit it? Can cocktail culture? I've had it. I mean, there can't be another.

There's no more room for more canned cocktails. I was set apart of the other day and there was the sunny-d spiked celters. Really? I draw the line, because now we're just putting fake orange juice in a can with vodka and saying, sell it, put it on the shelves. We don't need any more canned beverages.

We have the white claws. Yeah, I know. We're done. I just, I need for the permanent record. I need, since you've come all the way to Oklahoma City, I just need to go ahead and know your position on the large water bottle community that carries like stainless cups and oversized water balls with them every single place they go.

I, so I'm not a part of it. Okay, but I do kind of think it's a little chic. I like a girl that looks hydrated. I love that. She looks a little chic. Why do you hate it? I love it. I always have one.

I hate it. I don't have one, but I can appreciate the aesthetic. Does it fit in your cup holder? I've always wanted that. Yes, it does. Wow, what color is yours? I have several. Oh.

Uh. I have a gold, a silver, a blue. Do you match them with your outfit? Because you better. Oh no, I don't. I don't even match my purses with my outfit. I just do the one that's clean in the rotation from the dishwasher and all that.

Is it like a stand, the cup, or is it like, have you seen those ones, the workout girls are using? Where it's like the two gallons and the check marks and they're like, oh my, Scott it, keep drinking. I do have one of those, but I never use it because I can't. What? Those are crazy. I ordered it off Amazon while I was back ordered my Stanley.

This was way back when I didn't have my glasses on when I ordered it off Amazon. So I didn't realize it was like, you go girl, you've almost done it. And I was like, this is a bearish thing. Stop, there is a giant oversized cup with motivational messages as you drink it down. Yes, it's like it's not a cup. Yeah, it's not like a cup where it has a handle. It's just like a water bottle. Why didn't I know about this? Probably because I was just like, I'm never going to. Yeah, it's not like a cap where it has a handle. It's just like a water bottle. Why didn't I know about this?

Probably because I was just like, I'm never gonna use this because of the inspirational quotes on this side. They're bigger than your Stanley though. They're definitely, those are like, oh my, I think it's a galis. Yeah, there's definitely different sizes. That's alarming and troubling.

And I ask myself, who is looking at this saying, I can do this because my cup says I can. Somebody because they're putting it on their mass production. Yeah, I've seen a lot of them. I think if you're looking for motivation from a cup, that bar is so goddamn low. Yeah. And maybe they need it that way. They do. This level, I mean,

they need that cup. Maybe they need that cup. Okay. This is something we've talked about a lot, and this is an issue plaguing the globe. What is it? Fake food allergies. Oh my God, I was at a restaurant the other day, and this guy said he was allergic to arugula. So immediately I can stay in my own lane here,

and like my boyfriend's talking to you, and I'm like, just, I don't know if you guys are going to. And he's like, and then the girls are calling him. He's an older gentleman too. So there's a wife calls him out or whatever. He's like, no, it's a real algae. So I get on my phone. I've never heard of it before.

I'm like, can you be allergic to a rugola? It is so rare. And maybe he was, but he's a fucking liar. And now the kitchen staff has to reset the knives and reset the like everything. It's such a hassle. And it's so, I don't know. You could just say you don't like it. You need, it's not going to kill you. Okay. Had it or hit it. Places that don't have good HVAC. Well, I've had it completely. I will say the studio here. You guys

are hitting it. It's a great job here. No, but I've had it. I just if you're going to invite me to somewhere in outdoor barbecue, if there's no place for me to reprieve some cold, I'm not coming. You're not coming. We're two advanced in 2023 to not have AC. We're in a certain place. I totally agree. Yeah.

When you sleep at night, what do you turn your thermostat to? Whatever the lowest option is at all times. We're everywhere. So you go down to 60 or 58? Yeah, because I'll just bundle up. I'll keep bundling up. Me too.

I'm like a little squirrel that burrows. Yes, you can't sleep in the heat. Oh my God. What's your sleep temp? My sleep temp is 68 and I have two blankets. Wow, you're a little, yeah, you're not that, that's a little, that's not too cold though. I go 66.

I'm a 66. Yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised you're not 69. Oh. I'm 69 66. Yeah. I'm surprised you're not 69. Oh. Oh, 69 during the day. How do you feel about had it or hit it? All the iPad tipping for non-tippable actions.

I've had it. I've had it. I was at Beyonce a couple of weeks ago. I bought a $55 t-shirt. The girl spins the iPad. I said, you better spin them back around. People with a t-shirt out of a box, you're not gonna tip for this. The 55 dollar t-shirt, the girl spins the iPad. I said, you better spin them back around. You put the t-shirt out of a box, you're not gonna tip for this,

the $55 t-shirt. But tipping it is you put a t-shirt in a bag for me. That is not a tipable, that's not tipable. I agree. And you know what the deal is, again, I wanna say, as we talk about it stuff, this is consumer exploitation by large corporations because our government will not act to raise the minimum wage to livable wages.

It's also taking away from the people who's like jobs are typical, now they're getting, like now they're not getting it. I'll tip by like barista, you know what I mean? Like always check that kind of stuff. I was at the mechanic there day, I'm like, is there gonna be a tip thing here? Are we tipping here now too?

We're tipping everywhere now, and that's what it is. And it kind of makes me sad because it's like, I feel bad like now if you pick up a to go order that they put in a box, you have to tip 15%. I mean, I guess, I, because it's gone up from 10. I always thought 10 was fine. Okay, so 10 you still work. I didn't use to work take out and I was like,

okay, 10 when I take out. Okay, so I do 15 now though. Because it kind of, you kind of have to. Yeah, we get forced into all this. Yeah, because then they're putting the 30% there and I'm like well Yeah, no, I don't want to dick and I don't want to dick over the worker Right, you know, so it's like it because I did work in a restaurant and I have had you know low-paying jobs before When I was trying to you know establish my career and I know what that's like so I'm just like oh But it is exploitation of you know the consumer

But what about people who try to turn their hobby into a side hustle? I feel like I'm being fresh on this because that's what I did with my life. I would, like, making videos was a hobby. And I've had it because this girl I went to high school with. She makes the most disgusting looking chocolate

coverage strawberries I've ever seen. And she posts, well, guess it's her, and turn this into an LLC, you guys. I'm opening a business. And it's like, her chocolate-dipped strawberry. It's the common girl. And you should see what she's charging. How much would you pay for? One heinous looking like chocolate-covered strawberry.

Maybe like 75 cents. She's charging five dollars a pop. Shut up. I'm not joking. I bet it's like her, she's syrup out of a bottle. Right. There's like shredded paper on the box. And you know, everyone deserves to have a side hustle.

But you did it one through. You know, this isn't your passion. And it doesn't need to be a business. Yeah, right. She's getting the, she was asking people about LLCs. Who, which one of my friends has LLCs the day after she posed this new business venture? Girl, I have four likes. Okay, I don't think we need to go down this road yet, but oh my god.

I've had it. Yeah. Yeah, the internet is exposing us to a lot of bad ideas that people have. Right. That they try to take to fruition, and it's all done on a public scale. It's so fun though. It is.

It's so fun though. And then it's kind of like, because truth be told, back when we were young, there wasn't, you know, an internet. So we probably did a, we did so much fucked up shit. We're so lucky now that it is, but now it's like, you're out there,

and then everybody sees it, it's awful. I've kind of had it with a lot of that too. Okay. Had it or hit it, people that are sanctimonious and say that they're above shit talking. Yeah. We've already said this. I've had it. I've had it. I don't trust you. You're a liar. You're clearly very boring and you have something to hide on it by yourself because certain people won't shit talk to you They don't think they want it back on them right I can respect that a little bit because you've trying to protect your piece And you know that like if I say this they could come out, but I don't know my if you're in my immediate group You can best believe we're really running it down there. Yeah, for sure You got to have a good sense of humor. You got to be able to shit talk and you can't get but hurt

Yeah, there's a great for it. Totally. Yeah. We recently, like, some people take so much of what we say so seriously and they're just like they have explosive diarrhea similar to what you see at the Marshalls or the target bathrooms in the comment section. And they're just like, these girls are so negative and didn't and I'm just like, okay, number one, why don't you care? Number two, so what if we are negative? And number three, fuck off.

Exactly. Number four, suck pumps is we are negative? And number three, fuck off. Exactly. Number four, suck pumps is dick. Suck my dick. Yeah, let's get that on a t-shirt. We do. I know a girl, she's an LLC, she'll print it up for her. She's got one. Seriously.

No, I'm sure you do too. She is. Okay, how did her hit it? Public Venmo transactions. Isn't this just weird? Have you seen these before? It's weird, yes. Why do you show it?

Just put it on private. I don't know why people don't do that. I just got on Venmo, but I have a Venmo story for my divorce law. I was here. So I had a client that she got blocked on, I mean, her ex-husband blocked her on every forum, every social media, telephone, email, like she was 100% blocked, but she can

still access them on Venmo. Stop. She would send him like 50 cents every day and like, mother fuckin. To write the message. Yes, the message was just like, you're a cock sucker, little dick, mother fucker. I mean, just one after the other, after the other. So then we get emotion about it, obviously, with the court, like, make her stop doing this. And so I talked to her and I'm like, hey, you know, there is no way that I can go in front

of a judge and try to sell this, that this was not malicious when you intended to do it. She goes, I did it it and I was malicious. That's the small price to pay to really get your message across. But like several times a day every day, but you know what, that's a really good tip. That's a really good tip for the listener. If you're going through a total manic spiral meltdown and you've just gone fucking crazy and you're there

and you're blocked from everything go look in Devinmo. Yeah, that's your last resort. It really is. You know, I mean, that's that's your last defense right there to get your crazy out there. The whole thing is crazy. I just I'm seeing like people I know that are like splitting the weirdest bills and I don't know why I'm eating it Popcorn was like eating it all up. I'm like, oh, this is weird. What am I buying? I don't know if they know each other. It's like, sushi emoji, a kiss. I'm like, wait, that doesn't, mom, confuse you.

Listen, everybody get on Van Mow, search it. You know what's interesting? I get on there and I see it. And I see pumps paying all these like random female names. And that's just the Cisar emoji. Shut up. Trying to figure out what's going on and it's like,

You're connecting the dots here. Yeah, from pumps to Sharon's Cisar emoji. And then it's like the lesbian emoji of the two girls with the heart. And the girls dancing with their legs kicked out. Yeah, those, the ballerinas. We know those girls. Yeah, there's just a lot of fuckery going on

on Pumps' Venmo. Just put it on private. It's nobody's business. Yeah, you. There's just a lot of fuckery going on on Pamsa's Venmo. Just put it on private. It's nobody's business. Yeah, you keep your sizzling in private pumps with God's sake. I think I've been mode three times in my entire life. I've seen them. It's that sizzler shit.

It's always that sizzler shit. Maybe it was for a haircut. Zachariate, like you flew to Oklahoma City to see us. And I would do it again and again. And more people should come here. Oklahoma City is a beautiful place. It really is nice. It is. It is nice. And I love that. Like you will always be so close to our heart for doing that. We're going to see you. We're going to be in New York.

Yes. A hot shit tour. We want you to come to Brooklyn. I can't wait. I'm just stoned throw away from there now. So now you're in my neck of the woods. Yes. Everybody go follow Zach Raya. Go listen to his podcast and leave us a five star review about Princess Diana's clap, go to our bio. It's not the STD clap, it's her physical clap. And it's like what? Did you think it was the STD? No, I was like, why should what? Okay, check me a second. And then go to our bio, look at all the stuff, follow us on all the shit. And Pemptel is tell them when we'll see them. Oh, Patreon. Patreon, documentary club, every Wednesday.

And we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. Thank you, Zachariah. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Thank you.

What I'm having with. Let's hear it. I'm having it with that. What's that? So sing along. I'm Kate lib that. So single. I'm Kate librisco host of Off the Vine podcast where I get real, but maybe a little too real sometimes with my friends and Celeb guests from bachelor franchise and beyond.

I'm talking guests like Jonathan Van S. Nikki Glazer Wells Adams, Elise Myers. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, ridiculous confessions, and get a little vulnerable. Because you know what, we're all just floating on this weird little planet together. Follow, rate, and review off the Vine podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts.