I've Had It - The Josh Welch Shotgun Method

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined by the highly-requested and self-proclaimed stunner, Josh Welch. The three dig into the unnecessary and excruciating social interactions we all deal with every day. The solution to avoiding these? The Josh Welch Shotgun Method. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast  Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Josh Welch: @joshwelch_

So we're supposed to start the podcast. Listeners, we have a special guest today, backed by popular demand. Great hair. Colonial beazer. Father of my two shining angels. Josh Welch. Josh. Hello, hello, hello ladies. And welcome. Welcome. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good. And I think it's fair to say that my last guest appearance was the most listened to episode of I've had it at the time. At the time. At the time. At the time. At the time. At the time. We are trending in the right direction, but how we start these things off is pumps. Why don't you tell me what you've had it with? What I've had it with is my Apple watch constantly telling me to stand up,

bossing you around it. If those things are bossing around all the time. And here's my, I've had it part of it. I don't mind the bossing if it's a reminder, but if I'm in a situation, I can't stand up. Like I can't say, Hey, judge, zip it. I need a minute to walk around in the courtroom because I need to stand for my Apple Watch. I mean, I'm not gonna do that.

Right. Or if I'm doing this, I can't stand up and, you know, walk around. Walk around. Then it docks you for the whole day. Yeah. And your rings don't close. No, you're punished.

So I got a thing last night that said, I only closed my ring seven times in January. And I'm like, that's not possible. And I look in, it's the fucking stand when. No, it trolls you to tell you what a loser you are if you're not exercising enough. Yeah, no, and that's fine, cause it is a good reminder.

But the standing to dock you, so you're like completely don't close your rings and then you don't get one of those stupid awards that every time I get one of those stupid awards, I think they're stupid. Then when I don't get it, I get it. I don't want to act uninterested. But this doesn't appear to be about me. Okay, sorry.

How can we, I have a guest here. I have an, I have an, I've had it and it involves you. Okay, that's, here we go. I've had it with, when you live Okay, that's there we go. I've had it with When you live with people and as the listener knows and as everybody in this room knows we do live together And you have certain drawers that you keep certain items for example in our silverware drawer We used to keep two pair of scissors back there, right? One pair of scissors went a wall right and most recently a second pair of scissors went AWOL, right? And most recently, a second pair of scissors

went AWOL. I always return the items to the spot. And I've had it with going to a place where you know you vigilantly put something. I mean, I'm diligent about putting the scissors in the spot. And they're gone. Gone. And so, Josh, what do you have to say about that? I think one pair is in there. I think it's just, and it was around Christmas time when you were wrapping. I have a separate set of scissors for those that I keep in a different drawer. Well, I don't know.

I don't know, yeah. I feel like it's probably my fault then. It's going to be a hundred percent. I'm going to say, that's what I have to be saying here. So that's what I probably my fault then. It's gonna be the same. I'm gonna say, that's what I need to be saying here. So that's what I'm gonna say, it's my fault, I did it. Okay, all right, thank you for that confession and apology. Cicers do walk off that they absolutely do.

No, they don't. No, mine do at my house. I'll have like eight in a drawer and then there's none. They don't walk off. Well, I mean, somebody walks away with them, right. But I'm, if it's just Luke and I, the C the scissors are always there, not blaming the other two outright, but it seems like a missing more when the older two are a ham. Josh, what have you had it with this week? Well, it's funny that you should ask because it applies directly to both of

your I've had it. Okay. Good. So what I've had it with are people that can't read the room, that don't get it, that share something that maybe is not relevant, helpful, interesting. Right. And the listener doesn't enjoy it. So we've all been in those situations where you have someone sharing something and the story goes on and it goes on and it goes on. The phone comes out. There's illustrations, photographs, and there's no way that that person could reasonably think that the other person is remotely interested unless they're just tone-deaf.

Unless they're completely, and it happens all the time, this isn't a... No, it's epidemic. It is an epidemic. And it reminds me of that scene and planes, trains, and automobiles. Okay. Remember that comedy from the 80s? Steve Martin, John Candy. And I think Steve Martin looks at John Candy and he says, I have an idea for you. When you go and start to tell a story, the story needs to have a point. He said, it makes it that much more enjoyable for the listener.

If you can do that. So my I've had it is going to apply to lots of people that I come into contact with. It just simply don't understand that I'm not that interested in your story. Yeah, but to be fair, if the story's not about you, you're just not gonna be interested. I can fake interest if it's not about me.

But when they start talking about people that they know that I don't know, and they only mention them by first name as if I know them. Right. There's just no appreciation for the fact that I don't know anything about this nor do I care. Right. And that's my biggest fear is that as I grow old with Jennifer, that I go and start telling stories like that and people behind my back are saying, God, damn. That last 10 minutes with Josh was the roughest shit I've had in a while. It's interesting. You should say that because I've noticed like when we go on dog walk or we're out

and about and we see a couple that I have zero interest talking to and I know that you have zero interest in talking, and I know that you have zero interest in talking to. And you will immediately bring up football or some bullshit, and I'm standing there trying to walk away, and you've even pointed it out, like you didn't even try to feign interest. You just immediately kind of turned, I was like, I did not want to be involved

in that conversation. So I think that you, I've been, I've fallen prey to it multiple times where you're kind of this dad humor like, well, what about OU's game? What do you think they're going to do with that coach? You think they're going to fire him? And I mean, you do engage in a little bit of this dad quirky humor stuff from time to time. I see that. Well, let me just say this, you know, you have to, we live in Oklahoma. So you have to be okay to a certain extent with small talk, with banter. And I wish that we were in LA and I could ask him some cool

California question, but unfortunately it's just how are the sooners doing? You see the Cowboys game, what you think about that? Going out to Lake Heffner this evening. What's going on? So that's what we're stuck with here. So. I do think this is a big problem because Angie, if you remember when your friend came in town from Atlanta and we went to that Italian restaurant. Right. And right as our food gets dropped at the table and I'm starving.

I'm like, want to nod my arm off out of hunger starving. The food drops and then another gal that's in the restaurant dining comes over to our table as the food is dropped. Announces tests that she hasn't seen us in 10 years and we acknowledge that. It's nice to see you and everybody for it to end immediately. She then proceeds to tell us what she's been up to. Yeah, lingers.

For those last 10 years. In detail. In painstaking detail. About our job and boring details. Boring detail. But that goes to what I said, which is the inability to read the room. You walk up, you say hi, haven't seen you guys in a while,

and go back to your dinner. Bye. She didn't read that the food, I finally just started eating. Right, no, that was the real kicker was that she was there and like the waiter had to kind of maneuver around her to sit the food down and it she never took a breath. It was just, and I was kind of like, does she not, I mean, what is wrong with her? Like it was bizarre.

It never occurred to her to say, oh my God, you just got your food. Never. It was like, there was, it was, this is what I've been up to the last 10 years, boring details. I can't even tell you what it was because all I'm sitting there thinking about is you need to leave the table immediately.

Right. It's so weird. Immediately. But that has made me think of another, I've had it if I may indulge. Okay, please. Okay. that has made me think of another, I've had it if I may indulge with real fast. So I've had it with the protocol at restaurants, especially those that I've been to multiple times

where there's an expectation that I'm gonna look at that menu for 15 or 20 minutes before I order. I mean, I think there needs to be a streamline procedure for when you sit down, you can order immediately. I agree. I'm a big time. Let's just get it down.

There doesn't need to be the setting down of the menu, viewing the menu, bringing the drinks first and then coming back for appetizers. And then, I mean, there needs to be a shotgun offer. I want to be able to walk into the restaurant and they have a box that you can check. Shotgun. And that means we're gonna shotgun you in and out of here. You're gonna have eaten, leave, have paid the check, all within 20, 25 minutes.

I mean, just start the order. If that offered that approach, where you could do that, I would go to that restaurant. Every single time I went out to eat, hands down, I think I would. It wouldn't even be an issue. Right. Because I don't need to look at the menu. I don't drink alcohol. I know what I want. I've been to every place in Oklahoma City multiple times. It's not like they're going to spring some new thing on me. So it's just, and I think I just don't

enjoy being out like that either. So it's just, let's get it on. Let's get the food. Let's get out. Yeah. Shotgun. Okay, Josh, this reminded me of something you're, I've had it from earlier about. So how about if you're going through the grocery store or somewhere in mall, whatever,

and someone starts telling you about their vacation and then pulls out their iPhone with pictures of their vacation. That happened to me recently and I just thought thought there should be a law that you cannot show people your vacation pictures unless you have spent at least a week with them throughout the course of the year. Absolutely. Now I do want to say this when I was a relatively new photographer.

I was very proud of a lot of images I took. So I would at times, the cost, some innocent soul. Torture, torture. Pull up my websites and I thought consistent of just really kick ass photographs and just go on and on about each photograph. So I admit I have been guilty of being that person at times. But now that I know what it's like,

I'll never do it again. On the other side, he's been enlightened. I've been enlightened. Enlightened. No, I think that there are really bad conversationalists that don't take into account your feelings. And I have found in work, in regular life, this is one thing that I love about my friendship with Pumps, is if I have to get off the phone at any time, I can just say, I gotta go click and hang up on her. I don't have to gear up for the goodbye. Oh, come on. And then that takes an additional five minutes.

It's like, hey, I gotta go talk to you later, click and it's over. Right. But I've noticed in business, like, I want to, what if I'm talking to a client, they'll call and say, hey, this happened or I need this done. Okay, got it. And then they want to tell me again. Yeah, heard you, got it. So, I just thought of this. So, I think what we're saying is in all aspects of life, we would like to have that box where we could shut

again, we can shorten it. Whatever the experience is, whether it's a conversation with a dear friend, visiting a loved one on their deathbed, going to a funeral, a wedding, going to dinner, we need the box where we can shotgun getting in and out of that son of a bitch as fast as possible. And maybe an asterisk for like no small talk. Because- Well, no, that's included in the shotgun.

In the shotgun, okay. Which is like, this is an in and out deal. Because I feel bad, like sometimes people text me like, that I haven't talked to you in a while, and they're like, how are you doing? Did it, I'm like, what do you want? Which is how do you want, don't just respond back. I think in all aspects, it can be brought up front

to where you have that expectation. Right, if somebody had text to me in five years and they text me, hey, what's the blah, blah, blah, blah, I have no expectation that how are your kids blah, blah, blah. It's just like, you're, let me give an example. So if I run into you at the grocery store and you, Josh, Josh, and I go, pumps, I'm going to have to shotgun this one. Yeah.

I think you'll be able to say that at the front. Right. You ought to be able to say that. And then the other person knows, okay, he wants to get the fuck out of here. Right. Right. Let's shotgun this. So that's why I say you ought to be able to make that declaration up front.

And then the other person ought to respect it. Do you remember that show Logan's run when we were little Josh? Was it like the military flying? It was a guy that... Oh, that's Logan's heroes. Oh, okay. Where they kill you after you turned 30 and so you had a light in your hand. And it started getting darker as you got closer to 30 and then at 30 you died. So we need a shotgun button on our hands. So like you walk up to somebody they want to talk to you unnecessarily and you just put it up and it's like, oh,

you put it up, you check the box, you say I'm gonna shotgun this pun, I've got to go and you go, okay, see ya. Yeah, something else I want to just kind of forego all together is the follow up, how are the kids? I'm guilty of it and people asking me all the time and I'll respond, you know, Dylan's doing this, altogether is the follow up, how are the kids? I'm guilty of it and people ask me all the time and I'll respond, you know, Dylan's doing this, where I'm just doing this. I ask it, but can we just, nobody gives a shit about anybody else's kids?

But here's the thing, I wanna take it a step further. Unfortunately, we already know how their fucking kids are because we've seen their Instagram account. That's exactly right, that's right. And so we don't even have to ask it. That's exactly right. We's right. So we don't even have to ask it. That's exactly right. We know we're a girl. We already know. We already know about the vacation as well. We do. We do. The mayor and the grand babies. And there's another I've had it. I realize we're reaching our limit here, but there's another I've had it that's kind of brewing. And that is just

the simple I've had it with all of this information that we get on social media, on the internet. It's just too much. We overshare, it's just too much. All of it. This podcast, my Instagram account, my website, everything is too much. So you're saying you like a little mystery. I just don't, people, we don't need all the information that we get. We just don't need it. Like we lived in a day when we would drive from Oklahoma City to Dallas, and there wouldn't be three fucking words said in the entire car for three hours. And you didn't check text messages. You just sat there and looked outside the window.

Right. Did you just say kind of an around about way that you have had it and then you kind of started launching and then you said this podcast? Well, it's part of the over stimulant of information. Let me ask you this. If after this podcast, this listens and like on Instagram, it's like, Josh is so great. You should have him on weekly. He's amazing.

And it's like the best performing podcast in the world. Would you want to come back each week? I would want to be overstimulated. Then it would be okay. So if it was just- But I would still say that, hey, it's silly and it's overstimulation, but I would be- It's too much.

Definitely be more interested in it. I'd want to watch it over and over and over. But I mean, I think everybody admits we just have way too much information. That's why we all fight. Because we just know so much. And it's just jammed on our throat. And so we're just mad about it.

Angry. OK, let's round it back up to your last episode. What did you tell me last night? Share with the listener what you got a new hair product that you got. Well, I got a hair fragrance spray. It's by Crayon Affair, the name of the company, and I saw it online and used it this morning for the first time. And I smelled your hair when you got here. It did. And it smells great.

It does. I haven't seen the video of this production yet, but I'm anticipating that I look as good as I did last time. Maybe even better. I want to talk about some of the real life feedback you got from the first episode where people confirmed the Colonobes. Well, I'm not going to name anyone, but several people came up to me and said, you really do, Josh. I've always thought that. I didn't want to tell you

that now that the cat's out of the bag. But here's the thing. I've always known that I have. So no one's really enlightening me about it because I do it knowing that I'm doing that. But let me ask you this, since it's been outed and then some confirmed, since then are you still using as many squirts? I may use one or two less squirts, but I mean, so it may take it from eight to six. Okay. Okay. But it's not a drastic reduction. Eight squares, huh? Well, there's wrist, neck, arms, there's different areas that get two or three.

Gotcha. Okay. Make sure it gets, and then you sometimes you want to get the shirt area before the jacket goes over. So there's a hole. Now how do you balance the cologne with the new hair scent? It's a good question. I mean, I haven't run into that yet.

To where I have kind of doling sense. Right. When someone's close to me, you've got your hair smell so one way, but your body smells another. You know, it's got to, it's weird. You don't have to think about that. I'm excited to sort of say.

It all about plays out. Yeah. But makes you feel better. I got my nose right in your hair to smell it and I didn't notice the clown. I will say this though, I didn't put on any clone today because I didn't I didn't wear a suit all day. I put the suit on for the podcast. So I didn't I didn't otherwise you would have smelled a stronger odor. Let me ask you this direction. Did you put the suit on in part because you got a lot of positive feedback about how Goddamn good you looked on that rollout. So you thought, I've set the bar.

It's let me equate it to the James Bond series. Of course, that's perfect equivalent. Of course. So when you see Daniel Craig wearing that Tom Ford or Brioanie suit. Right. It's Tom Ford. He's not going to make the next movie, not wearing the Tom Ford suit. Right.

I mean, he's just not going to have you. What are they going to do? Put him in a, like a dealer's suit or something. That's not going to happen. So he's got to look as good in the follow up movie as he did in the first one. Because I think it makes perfect sense for a man in Oklahoma city as he gets dressed to think Daniel Craig. James Mueller.

I'm going to put on this MI6 badass Tom Ford suit. And I'm going to take the 45 second drive from my house to my wife's office, and prance up there, hot shit, James Bond, and I think that makes perfect sense. You know, tonight, I think I might wear a formal gown. Okay. You know, but there's a difference because for those 73 people that watch this

on your YouTube channel, I want them to see exactly what I look like. Consistency. Consistency. But you also want them to see consistency in just so that it was snow-flook that he looks that good. I want to make sure that they understand it wasn't a fluke. I wasn't just having a good day.

Right. This is exactly how it is every single day when I wake up. This is what I look like. So have you Googled yourself to see if it's replaced? The Coastal Team. Yeah, the New Look has replaced the old stuff on there. I'm hoping this this episode really takes off to where it pumps everything else about me below this episode. Right.

I'm going to wait and see. That's fair. I definitely need to scrub the Google. Yeah. Definitely. Let's talk about instances where we can, we wish we could check the shotgun. And I want to tell you one that I've had it with. Okay.

When I travel for work and I go and check into a hotel room, I walk up, you've been, you've been TSA, you've done all this stuff. I'm like, hi, Jennifer Welch. Here's my credit card. Here's my ID. Totally. And they immediately say, oh, are you here for business or pleasure? But not it not hang on and I'm like business. Oh, what do you do for a living?

I'm an interior designer. What are you working on and I literally at this point? I think I just want to start saying listen I'm a high-end call girl right and I'm here with a bag of cocaine I'm gonna turn some tricks I don't want to answer those questions and I feel angry when they start asking me, because all I wanna do is check into the hotel. But do you have any mention when they wanna show you the room and show you the facility at all?

Right, you're like, I can figure I've been in a hotel for a while. It's just again, a shotgun approach up front for the service-oriented businesses, they need to really consider this little box. Shotgun, check in. Because it would help them as well, it would require less men power up front for the service-oriented businesses, they need to really consider this little box. Shotgun check-in. Because it would help them as well, it would require less man power because you're dealing

with people less. Right. The dinners would go much faster. You could see more people at the table. It's just a win-win for everybody. The waitresses and waiters, they probably get tired of talking to people. Right. And they don't care what you're doing.

The people at the hotel, the concierge, they probably get tired of talking to people. They're just told to do it by their management. So, it's a win-win. Yeah. So, hotel check-in. Hotel check-in, dinners. Dining. Dining. I have a great one. Okay. When you go get a new phone at the AT&T store. Shotgun service. I don't want to know all the features. I don't want to know anything other than, is this going to be my new fun? Here's the best one. Here's the best one, buying a car. Oh my God, that was my next one. Why are you screaming? Because it's so exciting. We had the exact same thought. Buying a car. It's horrible. They want to go over all the features. This is better than I'm going to put, because I don't just get a haircut, I get a beer trim. I'm going to put personal grooming where you should be able to check the box because there's always this unnecessary banery coming with a haircut or a beer trim.

Yes. And you know, that's what's been great about the nail salons. No longer. But I don't speak English. So they talk to each other about how terrible you are, but you don't know. And you don't care. That's sort of like checking the box, except they're not in a rush to get you in and out. Oh, my, my place knows. Oh, that's good. But I think just in all aspects of any sort of service business, checking the box, you

need to offer that to your clients. I wish my clients would take that. We'll just throw it out there. Yeah, I think that's a great thing. Let me just shotgun this whole thing and I'll just let you know when your project's done. Just going to say, look, I have impeccable taste. I've been doing this a long time. Here's my products off for the shotgun service to work.

You know, I don't have to talk about all this bullshit about your carpet, wallpaper, curtain, strapes, fabrics. We don't have to do that. We shotgun it. We shotgun it. I install it. I send you a big fat bill.

I shotgun it. Right. Yes. Just shotgun this bill. Pay it today. Yeah. The payment. Envoicing people.

Shotgun. Here's another thing I'm like to shotgun. I love my vet. Tiffany, I love you more than anything. But she comes by. You know, she's like one of these unleashed vets where she comes to you. We have this cat listener in the cat. Has diabetes. Has a lot of problem. Problems. It's a female. unleashed vets where she comes to you. We have this cat listener and the cat has diabetes,

has a lot of problems, problems. It's a female, Josh always calls it a he, and anyway, that cat, it's the cat has a lot of issues, but she, the cat has like diabetes and now she's got some liver problem and Tiffany will call me and she'll start telling me in detail, all of the blood levels, what it means, what's normal. Now I think I'm gonna start saying just Tiffany, I wanna shotgun it. How many more years do we have with this cat? I think that cat is well past its lifespan. Those cats live forever.

That may be the best example of a shotgun yet. I mean, shotgun. I don't, you're basically saying, I don't want your information. I wanna communicate less. I want less friends, fewer friends. On your social activities, you can shotgun all of those. What about shotgun sex?

The only thing that, yeah, that's the absolute best. That's a great one. That is the absolute best one. The only thing I know for a fact that Jennifer Welch will never, ever shotgun is pickable. She will milk that cow for three to four hours until every ball has been hit. Every point has been played. Every exchange about the point has been made. It could go on and on and on and she will never shotgun it. By the way, for the listener, we might want to play this up front. If you're not into shot-gunning things, you're

going to absolutely hate this episode. And we don't want to do them a disservice by extending this conversation longer than it needs to be. We've made ourselves very clear about how we feel about... So we're going to shot gun the end of this episode. We're going to shot gun the end of this. I'm going to let you girls do your thing. We're not going to put out the listener anymore. I've enjoyed being here. I love Jennifer Denise Welch. She's my wife.

She's the mother of my children. She has kept me sober and sane. She is my personal Jesus. I love pumps. I love you more than anything in the world. You've been my longest friend that I have in my existence. And thank you for having me. Oh, thank you for coming.

We love you, Josh. We love you, Josh. Thank you, thank you. So do your thing and let's whip out here. Let's wrap. That's okay. Sense code for Josh's dead. Let's shotgun the ending.

Send us the voice memo, follow us. See you next Tuesday. See you next Thursday. Either way, it spells see you later, cunts. Bye. Bye. Bye.