I've Had It - The Lesbian National Anthem with Kristin Key

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined in studio by the hilarious Kristin Key. The three discuss bad pets, Pump's bald gay husky and how Jennifer allegedly looks just like a hairless cat. Kristin closes the show out by serenading Jen and Pumps with an original song. Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit ARTICLE.COM/HADIT and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout Jenni Kayne: Find your forever pieces @jennikayne and get 15% off with promo code HADIT at jennikayne.com! #jennikaynepartner Rocket Money: Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way – by going to RocketMoney.com/HADIT. JustThrive: Get 20% off your first 90-day bottle of Just Calm and Just Thrive Probiotic today – Visit JustThriveHealth.com and use promo code: HADIT Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Kristin Key @thekristinkey ?

So we supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. Start again. One, two, three. It's great. Better. Much better. How are you?

Oh, good. How are you? I'm just great. What do you be had it with? Okay, you're going to D.I.E. You want to tell you this? Okay, so it came to my attention at a party I was at last night, that there are parents that create social media accounts in the name of their child school. And then all they do on the side is shout out their child for achievement. Then they retweeted or

repost it on their own social media like, oh my gosh, look how nice the school is. They said how great my kid was. I mean, how fucked up is that? I have had it. Okay. Hang on. Parent makes a fake school account like Blow Joe High School, Blow Joe High School basketball or Blow Joe High School football.

And then only post their kid. Well, inner mingles. The school staff might be throws in a couple other kids, but very rarely somebody at your kid school do this. Yes. That doesn't even go to school anymore. My kid school and is still shouting out their kid on my kid school's website. my kids school's website. We're fake, it's fake. I'm telling you, these parents are out of control. It's un, I could not wrap my head around it. Kids are great. The dealing with the other parents.

It's the hard part. Is such, could you imagine working at a school and dealing with these monsters? That would be the worst part. Being the school secretary, being the school secretary being the principal being in teacher disciplining a child at a school. Oh, do you remember like Some of our younger listeners are gonna lose their mind But I remember when I was in elementary school

This friend of mine that I went to school with he was kind of naughty his name was Billy And he was always sent to the principal's office and he straight up got swatts. Yes I got in trouble one time in middle school and they said, I could either write a paper or get a swat and I wrote a paper. I mean, it was just like a paragraph. I can't remember what I did. I'm trying to think I hope it was really always opted for the swatts. In retrospect, I totally would get the swatts easier.

It's crazy. It's fucking bananas. Could you, and I don't support the swats. But I'm just saying like, that's how far back it gets. Yes, yes. And now the parents are just, they're so crazy and unhinged. And most, I mean, in these kids whose parents do this, I'm just gonna take a wild stab at it.

I don't think they're gonna end up being that successful. And they're just the most obnoxious, entitled, arrogant, pricks on planet earth. My experience is the children of the power moms, right, are the most unlikable children. Yeah, that's probably right. I mean, they are because they're so rotten. Yeah, because it's just it's every day is you know You're so great. You're so special. You're so extraordinary. The world you're a gift to the world. Yes Look at my little Johnny. Yeah, to the world. Yeah, little Johnny again. This is a group that you know ruins it for a lot There's a lot of parents that I've met that are super incredible and great

But those types of parents that are just a constant advertisement for their children. I feel like it goes back to they had some deep, seated insecurity about themselves in high school and now they're trying to rewrite history with their child because most parents don't behave that way. We'll see, and here's the deal too. I noticed this when I was probably around like, maybe mid-30s, and I still noticed people that were obsessed with high school. Right. And they would ask me, where did you go to high school?

Because I went to a public school, and some of these people went to some private school. Right. But you didn't pick that. Your parents picked that. Right. And who cares? And, you know, per the record,

you're still living off your parents' tit. I'm not. So whose education was better? So I mean, your private school education, just you're still riding on the co-tells of your parent's success and you're not doing jack shit, yo back taxes.

Can't buy a house in your own name. Oh my shit's tight. So I'm kind of going with the public school thing. I mean, if we were to compare the two of us, but people are just ridiculous about it. And then you have the people that peaked in high school, right. And they still post about bands that they listen to in high school. And they still

like their profile picture is a picture of them in high school. They're knee deep in all the high school Facebook. Right. And I'm like, it was a fucking long time ago. Let's move on from high school. Right. And here's the deal. High schools are right. It's not the best experience of your life. Well, you think it is when you're in high school compared to junior high, but then you get to college and you're like, oh my God, that was a Nethan burger. Well, yeah, and it's like you're so young. I mean, you're so kid. Let me tell you what I've had it with.

Lay it on me. Okay. I'm fine, and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm fine with Apple having like Apple the company, having a monopoly on phones. Right, watch us. Apple TV watches whatever. I'm fine with it. I know it's probably not good. It's capitalism, fucking on steroids. I get all that. I like their product. Everybody knows we fucking love our watches. Yes. What pisses me off about Apple is everybody kind of went from

the normal plug to the USB. I had USBs installed in my house. They had USBs put on airplanes. They had USBs put on nightstands and hotel rooms. And then Apple goes and makes a USB-C. Right, which I think is on purpose, just straight up capitalism. They did not need to do that. That shit needs to be regulated.

I agree. That is unacceptable. Because now you have to regulated. I agree. That is unacceptable. Because you now you have to buy all new everything. That's bullshit. Total. It pisses me off. They need to make a law that is a universal electrical outlet. That's neat.

It makes government. I know, but they need to do it because everybody is doing, you travel, you get on an airplane and then you realize, oh, I have the new thing. And mine doesn't fit in here. And I think it's bullshit. I agree. Furious at Apple for that. It's a total fucking fraud. Capitalism on steroids. Everybody already buys all your shit. Everybody does iTunes. Everybody does Apple TV. Everybody does the watch. Everybody does the more, it's just more, more, more, more, more.

Change the outlet. Tim Cook is total fucking bullshit. No, I completely agree. Hate that when you don't have the right plug. I have. With your same products. I have had it. I agree.

That shit pisses me off. The government needs to step in. I think regulations are good. And we need to regulate this shit. Right. Because it's just a money grab. That's plain and simple. Totally is. And it was unnecessary.

Everybody had just adjusted to the USB. Right. And then you're rolling out the USB. See, it's bullshit. I've had it. I fucking had it. And everybody else has to. And you'll need to issue a public apology and go back to the USB

or give them to everyone free. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. We know will never happen. As I sit here with my Apple iPhone next to me and my Apple watch on. And when I leave here, I'm going to go watch Apple TV. Right. The real fucking scared of me.

They know that you're not going to boycott. That's why we need the government to step in and tell them. Yeah, but everything the government gets involved in is fact out. This is happening in the EU. It is. It is. The EU is mandating a universal court. Yes, they are.

And not everything the government gets involved in is get is fucked up. That sounds kind of trumpy. Well, but I'm just saying they're getting everything they touch turns to shit. Pretty much like what? Like book banning, trying to get in people's shooters. That's not the government. That's the extreme right wing. Well, I know, but these laws, you know, they're awful. They're awful. Okay, so welcome, I've had it.

Welcome to I've had it podcast. I am a supporting member of the show. My name is Jennifer. Shut up. You drive me crazy with that. I'm Angie. She is the star of our show, The Princess Diana of podcasting, The Best Clapper and the Northern Hemisphere. Thank you for that.

You're welcome. You're welcome. Some people say on social media that I bully you And I give you all this praise about all the clapping and all this stuff You know, and then you demean me. Why do I do me out of complimenting you? Well, because I know it's tongue in cheek. It's really you're not really really think you are the star of the show I genuinely do I mean that sincerely you're gonna look over here. I'm just gonna bitch slap her. I mean that sincerely. Okay Kylie what's going on on social media? I want to read you a five star review. Oh good that's so nice. Scooter Cadillac

wrote the title of it is saved my family and he wrote this show is the first thing my mother-in-law and I have been able to bond over. She loads me. So is the first thing my mother-in-law and I have been able to bond over. She loads me. See that? Bringing families together. Thanks to the leadership from the Princess Diana of podcasting. We are uniting families. You are exhibiting the exact kind of leadership this world needs.

Right. Maybe I'll run for president. Could you imagine the first job? You are exhibiting the exact kind of leadership this world needs. Right. Maybe I'll run for president. Could you imagine? Oh, that's not a worst job on the planet horrible. This episode of I've had it is brought to you by Just Thrive. Use promo code had it for 20% off your first 90 day bottle of Just Thrive Probiotic or just calm at JustThriveHealth.com. Pumps, how's that get a lot better. I think there's a lot to this whole thing that got health can really make you feel better,

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get 15% off your first order when you use code had it a check out that's 15% off your first order J E N N I K A Y N E dot com promo code had it okay listen up we have a great episode ahead of you we have our very first repeat guest besides Josh Welch right who doesn't count who doesn't count and she is in Oklahoma City, so she is gonna be in studio today. She is a comedian. She is a friend of the show.

We absolutely love her. Let's welcome to I've had it. Kristen Key. Okay, Kristen, welcome to Oklahoma City, AKA Action City. Action City. Oh, that's what they call it here. Action City.

I've never heard that. I don't know. I'm sure you can tell by the Bessling Robus downtown life. Oh my gosh. There's a lot happening. Yes. Yeah. I can't believe I'm here. I know. It's so fun to have you See this place on my computer, but now I'm in it. Last year we're here. I was up there. Yeah, I'm here. Yes. So exciting. Thank you for having me. Yes, and you're in town Doing stand-up, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm at the Bricktown Comedy Club. It's been so fun all weekend. I'm done. But what a fun week. Do you go back to California this today? I a couple days. I'm going to drive over to Tulsa and see my parents for a couple days. Oh, that's nice. So your parents are Oklahoma. They are. Okay. So what's it like traveling, you know, across the country? Do you sense different

personalities in different cities? Oh, yeah, because I just came from a show in San Francisco to a show in Oklahoma City. Ooh, that's a big difference. Well, I'm trying to build a lesbian army. So I got all my lesbians in San Francisco, not a big pull, but in Oklahoma City, there were some lesbians, but then I noticed

like Facebook targeted ads. You can't just say to lesbians. So I had to be like, I need people that are interested in pickable LPGA, Brandy Carlyle, cats, you know, and then I noticed my audience was like, oh, a lot of lesbians, and then some ladies that were like, why am I at this fucking show? I'm like, oh no, they just like cats. Oh, well, they like cats.

Well, they like cats. Well, they like me at the end of it and they join the army or whatever. You haul, you could have tagged you haul. Oh, this I could do it. Yes, Tiva Sandals. Yes, I'm Tiva. Super-oos.

I had Subaru in there. Okay, I'm trying to make Bertel Pee's a lesbian. Loose hardware store. Loose. So I play Pickleball with Adventure Lesbians and this one married couple that I play pickleball with a bunch of lesbian's. Yeah. And this one married couple that I play with. They had this in between matches.

They would go over and they had this rag. And they would take the rag and then put it on their hand. And then it's like a sticky rag. And then they put it on the paddle. I said, what is that? And they're like, oh, it's a sticky thing to get the sweat off of your hand. And so that your hand will stick to the pickleball pedal.

And I was like, that's weird. Did you get that like at a tennis store? Like, oh, no, we got it at lows. Lows. And I said, that makes perfect sense. That you go to lows for your pickleball needs. Right. There's nothing that is peak lesbians.

Lesbians can solve anything. They really can't. They do. My wife is at lowsowe's a lot. And she says, do you want to come? Like, I know. I'm good. I'm going to.

Yeah, she covers the Lowe's in our house. Yeah, the same couple that I'm talking about. They have a barn full of tools and machines. And they have a ditch, which I mean, that was my nickname in high school. LAUGHTER They can literally, like, lesbians, ditch which I mean these those my nickname in high school. They can literally like lesbians should run the country agree. We've been saying it for years. I have never seen a group of people that have their shit more

so tight, so organized. They get more shit done. It's unbelievable. Lesbians are low key slept on as far as being leaders. Yeah. Yes. I'm all for a lesbian president. Oh, boy, it would be great. Wouldn't it be great? It would be great. Do the jackets alone on camera? Yes. The amount of blazers that yes, the yacht captain could be in that. I love a blazer. I love a blazer. A love a blazer. Oh, or a jacket?

Yes. I mean, I have just between me and my wife, it's just, it's a closet full of jackets and blazers. And some golf shirts. Hands. Well, I feel like we're being too positive. Right. Oh, shoot.

I know. I bring that places. I gotta try and bring it down a notch. People are coming here to trash talks. So why don't you tell us what you've had it with. Okay, well lately, I've really had it with not good pets, because I love traditional pets, cats and dogs, great pets.

My wife was allergic to both. And so people come up to me after shows, and they'll be like, oh, if you're right, there's two cats, you should get, and then they name a variety of stupid pets that I don't want or like, or they're tragic for children. So this lady in Florida was like, you should get a lemur. And I was like, I don't know, this is a lemur. A little monkey kind of. Yeah.

I was like, can you even legally own a lemur? She could you can and Florida? I'm okay. We're not moving. I was like, yeah, I know, you can, you can own people in Florida. Right. And you're like, every we're not moving. I was like, I know, you can, you can own people in Florida. It is a big cat. Right. But it's like, hairless cats, people say hairless cats a lot. I think hairless cats are just revolting.

Yeah. They're so, I always thought they were, I always thought they were terrible, okay? So then I'm an interior designer, so I go over to this client's house and they have this little hairless cat. Yeah. And the cat was little hereless cat. Yeah. And the cat was like super engaged in the design meeting.

The cat jumped up and listened and was attentive. Pick and swatches. Followed us around like tilted the head in a cute way. And then I kind of like started petting it. And I was like, well, it's not his fault that it doesn't have hair. This is an engaged, attentive, non-shedding animal. Don't get it twisted. I'm not going to have a hairless cat, but the only hairless cat that I've ever met was quite

impressive. Here's the problem with them. They're the most of all the temperaments of cats they have the best. So they want, they want, they will snuggle, they'll come to you, which is awful because they'll just like walk up and teabag you, because they're, they're, they're, they're, they're,

they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're,

they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, I don't look like Jen. Just like a pretty face, just real thin.

Did you just say that I look like a hairless cat? It did not hit me until I started the bit. And I was like, oh shit, no, what are you like of? But okay, so hairless cats, and then what else are bad pets? I'm over hairless cats, hamsters. Yeah, they're gross. Hamsters, I'm against them because it's a tragic pet.

Anyone that I know that has children with a hamster, it's like, what are you? It's the first time your child needs therapy. Right, because they die. They die. And they die, even if it's natural causes, like dogs and cats live decades. Hamsters, maybe they can't write home. Right. Right.

But then if you do have them for a little while, it's, it's just a barrage of the, as the worst ways to die. Yeah. And you have to clean out their little cages. There's poop everywhere. They let me out. I'm out on that. The whole thing. Yeah. I had mine. I had a couple of them. One of mine, his name was Tony. And then we came home found out Tony was Tina when he had babies. Yeah. And then ate the babies in front of me and died from eating the babies. I kind of forgotten they did that. I had a friend when I was growing up.

What? It was a trans cannibal hamster. What? There's a lot of them. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of them. Yeah. A trans cannibal hamster.

How did it get you? But we don't judge. We don't judge. Oh, of course not. Except for the cannibalism is fucked up. Yeah, that's fucked up But I've seen I've I don't want to yucky. I'm pretty sure I haven't had it with cannibalism. I haven't met one. No, no, no, probably that's a probably a deal breaker Yeah, no, I do I remember I had that exact same experience and we were just like ran and got the mom and she was like

That's just kind of what they do. I mean, why do they eat their babies? I don't know. I think she's like, I have a theory on this. Okay. Probably didn't like being in captivity and didn't want to her babies to live with the same horrible owner, read the owner. I was.

Oh, sorry. No, it's okay. Tipped for tat with the, I look like the hairless cat. Let's get a say. I mean, if we did a side by side, it's okay. Tip for tat with the I look like a hairless cat. Let's get a say. I mean, if we did a side by side, it's the pretty ones, not the ones that look like Mitch McConnell. Guess what's coming to Instagram any moment now. Kylie will be doing a video with me next to a hairless cat.

There's some really, really sweet ones, and that's the ones, not the weird ones. Because there's this great picture of a hairless cat that's like sitting with its stomach out. Not that one. There's real pretty. Not that one. Yeah, I have so many pictures of hairless cats. And this is how sticky mentioned you had had it with too.

Right. Hairless cats. Yes. Yes. But not the print night. Once I got it, I sat down. I was like, just like you. Not that one.

You're in a nice one. Do you have any pets? We don't. We don't. So your wife's allergies prevent you. She's allergic, which is a Latin word that means selfish. Yes, yes. It's keeping me from my dreams.

But we really, we want, we want to, I think we're gonna get a dog. She's less allergic to dogs. But there's another thing that I'm like, well, let's just say I've had it with. Right. I've had it with people that I think over regulate their dogs. I think that dogs should kind of just have avant-garde. I understand like train them not to pee in the house.

But yeah, they can sit on the couch. Oh yeah, and snuggle and stuff in my life. Absolutely. My wife has lots of rules. Oh, no, that doesn't. Yeah, she's like, no, she's not a good candidate to adopt a dog. If you're not gonna let the dog snuggle with me.

Yeah, like the lever, I mean, unconditional love all the time. She's not a good candidate to adopt a dog. If you're not gonna let the dog... Snackle with me. Yeah. They're like the lever, I mean, unconditional love all the time. So I have these two French bulldogs that are my biological children that I pushed out. Okay. And so in the summer, like it's been 100 degrees in Oklahoma. And so they like to be walked,

but because of the smished face and the short legs and then the concrete being so hot, I can't walk them. So I've been perpetrating fraud on my dogs for the last week. And it's really working out well because they come to me and they just look at me like when are we going on our walk? When are we going?

So I'm like, do you wanna go for a ride? And I get them and I load them up in the car and we roll down the windows and I'm like, look, there's a squirrel and they're going back to back. And they let get all of this stuff going on and it's like a 10, 15 minute ordeal. And they forget. And then we come right back and ask them, like, you were so good and they come back in and they lap up the water.

I'm totally I'm totally perpetrating exercise fraud on my dogs and it is working like a fucking charm. Oh my god. If you get real lazy, you just turn on the dogs and it is working like a fucking charm. Oh my God, if you get real lazy, you just turn on the TV. Look, it's a walk, you're walking. Ooh, look, you're walking through Mordor. Oh, you found the ring. Now, I think you've got to get your wife on board

with when you take this animal in, it's your biological child. We had different experiences. She grew up with a really, her dad was an Air Force colonel. And so she's just like, dogs don't need to, dogs are not allowed to catch them. I'm like, I'll let a dog eat spaghetti out of my mouth. Exactly.

Like, lady in the chair, style, just yeah. Mm, yeah. My boyfriend. Like, she doesn't like, when dogs lick her, she's like, oh, that's no, no, no, no, she's no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no's like, oh, that's no no lick. No, she's no licky-licky When I I've never cheated on her, but I've made out with every straight dog I've ever met That doesn't count. No, it doesn't I love them Yeah, they are so are y'all still in the negotiating phases of Yes, like I've agreed to a lot of her terms

because I love dogs so much. Right. Because we watched a friend's dog this last week. And we're watching, we have two days between, we watched it for 11 days, we have two days off, another dog's coming in for like two weeks. Okay.

So we like watch dogs all the time, because we love them. And so I've been like, all right, dogs are not allowed on the furniture because when me and my wife first met, it was like, we will not sleep with the window open. We'll guess who sleeps with the windows right now. Right, every week. So like of course dogs are not allowed on the furniture because when me and my wife first met, it was like, we will not sleep with a window open. Oh, guess who sleeps with a window open now? So like of course dogs are not allowed on the furniture

until we get a dog and I'm like, oops. Yeah, that's what I do with my kids. I read all these books. I was like, this is exactly how this child's gonna be. I mean, it's gonna be a tight ship. And then you take one look at them and you're better. So you kinda like the moms that see, like you go out to your restaurant

and I see these young mothers and they see like like the family with the five and the seven year old and the kids are just at the table and their friends like this. I will never do that with my kids. Fast forward five years and your kids are fucking insufferable should not get allowed in public but there's one thing you can put in their hands that makes everybody in the restaurant not notice them. And guess what? Guess who's playing games at the table? Right. Ma did, she did, she was a neonatal nurse for a bit and she used to come home and laugh and laugh of the pregnant ladies that came in with a plan. Oh yes. I have a big plan. I was a big planner. Didn't do all of it. My biggest one was they're going to eat what I make. Like I am not a fast food restaurant. And one time I remember in my first house that you did,

I was making rice, potatoes, and pasta. Each one had their own thing, and I just thought, you're the fucking worst. You're part of the problem. You're the worst of the worst of the worst. Nothing in my plan, did I ever do? No, nothing. So when she sees that little cuddly baby, it's gonna be right there of the worst. Nothing in my plan. Did I ever do nothing? So when she sees that little

cuddly baby, it's going to be right there in the bed. Yeah, especially and here's some arguments that you can use with her. Oh, okay. Like dogs only live their life expectancy is, you know, eight to 12 years. Okay. So you can say what's your wife's name? Molly. You can say. A dog's name. Yeah. Okay, so you can say what's your wife's name Molly? You can say Molly. Yeah. You can say Molly. You can say Molly. Like I would understand it if like maybe me.

If you said, you know, Kristen, I don't think you should do this and XYZ because I have this long life to get my needs fulfilled in other areas. The dog only has eight to 10 years. So are you going to deny this lesbian love child the right to snuggle up with its mothers? You know, treat it like subhuman. We're gonna be feeding it like sushi.

We're gonna be honest. Yeah, this this dog will be on a pillow with an eye mask on. No, it's gotten so bad that I've started like when I finish my dinner, I just start feeding what's left to my 95-year-old 95-pound Siberian Husky off the fork. We get to talk about Huskies for a second because I'm sorry I'm positive again. This is something I haven't done with. Oh my god. Okay, I've had it with all videos on the internet that aren't Huskies having a tantrum. With that. What the hell. They're amazing. Yeah. How do people have Huskies having a tantrum. With that, wow. That girl. They're amazing. Yeah. How do people have huskies in their homes?

Well, Kristen, I'll tell you, this would not be, I will not be the most popular person on the internet after I say this, but I started shaving my dog, my husky, all of the hair down to just like the nab. So we've gotten along splendidly since then. Okay. So there's no hair. He's a bald homosexual Husky but he's the sweetest. Yeah, he has been from the job. But I mean, he's the sweetest snuggler. I love this Instagram. No, I would like to follow this. I can barely run my Instagram. She's faithful and mean about

people who have Instagrams for their pets. She's one of those people. But I follow all of them. I just take a picture of it too. I take a picture of it this morning. I'll send it to you. Okay. Because he's really sweet. See, me like 15 and I'll start him an Instagram. But he housed like when I drop him off to get groomed,

he will have the entire day, I'm always the first pet to be a pet owner to be called. Because I walk in, I park and I'm walking in and I can hear that moaning. And then he sees me and he runs me over. He's so excited. They have that, that howl thing. What do you call it?

I don't like a cry kind of. And they make all kinds of noise on it because they go from like a howl to just, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and they don't shut up. And I don't know how people have them. I think it's the cutest thing to watch. Yeah, he doesn't do it at home very much. He's a real mom.

You've really, you've, you've, she was a terrible pet owner for quite some time. And she's really turning a corner. And they bonded a lot more with the shit with the shit. Because it's hair. I used to just their body. And I will say it is, it's 105 degrees. Right. And 105 degrees right now shaving him because he's not in you know Alaska or right. Yeah.

Northern Canada. It seems somewhat humane although I hope that you tell him consistently that he's still as handsome and he's pretty because that matters. Well, I mean, here's the deal. He never was embarrassed. Like the first time he did it, I would have expected him to be embarrassed. He really wasn't. It was crazy. Because you can kind of tell when they're embarrassed. Yeah.

I think it's probably, you know, sometimes, you know, being a homosexual husky in a red state like Oklahoma. You have to really got him ready. It set the psychological soil that prepared him to be a bald, you know, right? The homophobiaobic. He faced in the suburbs and deep red Oklahoma prepped him for the upcoming bald. That's what I'm saying. You're not making t-shirts that say homosexual Husky in the state of Oklahoma.

You're missing out on a cash cow. I escaped from my red state. Right. Yeah. All the way to Cal State. I went from Amarillo, Texas to Los Angeles. Let's talk about Amarillo. Let's.

What was that like growing up as a lesbian and Amarillo, Texas? In the late 90s. Well, back then, I didn't know any different. Right. So that was one thing that helped a lot. I was like, oh, this is just what it's like. I didn't know it was better in other places or easier. So back then, you really just, you didn't talk about it.

Right. You didn't talk about it. No, it's just a real, when I lived there, I'm sure it's a little different now, but a really small community of gay people. And so the dating pool was very shallow. Like you would, you would, you would date people you weren't even attracted to.

Like why are you dating her? Because I haven't yet. Right. She's the only one. Right. She's left. I'm not checking it twice. Yeah.

Or you date someone to get like, oh, why are you dating her again? Well, she went to rehab. She's a different person now. Okay. So when did you move? I moved when I was 25. So I lived there the majority of my life,

and I moved at 25. I moved to Austin briefly, and then but I only lived there about six, seven months, and I moved to Los Angeles. And what a different place. Totally. No, but I was in the closet with my neighbors in Los Angeles for like, I don't know, the first three months.

And then they were like, we know, we don't understand, like, oh, where I come from. It's a slow come out. Right. It's a gradual come out. I need you to like me first. Right. And then I realized out there, oh, you don't have to do that. Which is so nice.

It is, I didn't come out on stage till I was 35. Really? Because I still had it in my head from, you know, what I'd learned in Emeril. I had the club owner in Emeril, and it told me from day one, don't come out on stage. Nobody wants to see a lesbian comic And so I really had that in my head and

And so yeah, 35 I finally started talking about being gay on stage and well, how much more fun is that? Right. Yes. Well, because I started talking not just about being gay, but about other things I didn't realize how much I'd been censoring like I wasn't talking about crocheting I didn't talk about how much I love cats. Because I was like, oh, they'll, they'll know. Right. I had a very similar haircut. So they probably knew. And people probably sat through my show's going, do you think she knows she's gay? Should we tell her? So much to tell her she's gay. But yeah. So what? I mean, because this is, I weaker up, obviously, in the Bible belt. And Amarillo is a part of that. Yeah, it's a buckle.

We'll fight over the buckle. I don't know. Oklahoma is the buckle because Texas does have some big blue cities. Yeah, yeah, but our panhandles touch though. They do. That's true. Like a text shot on I. We're yeah, we're we're all part of the same thing. But when, it's for me, I really feel for, because there's now this big surge, and we talk about it on the podcast quite a bit, this big surge of homophobia that has become really loud again. Like, it seemed like we had Will and Grace era, Ellen comes out and then Obama gets elected,

and then he lights up the white house with the rainbow flags, and I was kinda like, oh God, that's so much progress. This is feeling so much better. And it was a civil rights movement that went lightning speed compared to other issues. And now I feel like all of a sudden, I'm really mad at all the gays again and all of these horrific tropes about grooming and all of this horrible homophobic stuff that's been coming out and I feel really bad for people because right now there are a lot of lesbians and trans and gay men in red States, small cities where you grew up and it's like now everybody's jumping on this bandwagon of you know gay being so bad again

Were you in your personal life, like in your family, were you scared to come out to them or to your friends? Or was it a process of coming out? It was a process. Because my family's deeply religious. I came out when I was 16 and then I took it back three years later because it was that hard. Like I came out, I lost like my church,

my church told me not to come back. It's terrible. It happens. It happens all the time. Oh, it's more the norm, or they try to pray the gay way. Sure, that happens first. That happens before like, yeah. So all that happened.

And what kind of church was this? It was a church of Christ. Okay, no instruments. No instruments, no dancing. And I'll of church was this? It was a church of Christ. Okay. No instruments. No instruments, no dancing. And I'll say I've got lots of family that are, no less, but it's a church. Lots of friends and family still go to that church.

And now we have a much better relationship. But when I was young, I did not have any tools to how to like deal with that. I didn't have any, all I had was the ideology I grew up with and the fact that I'm gay. For those two things didn't mesh, I didn't know what to do. Right. So I just went and I dropped out of high school.

I lived with people I shouldn't have, like, all kinds of stuff to survive for a long time. And then, you know, gradually kind of found my way in the world, you know. But it was a hard, it was a hard come out, you know. It was hard. I think that's why it's so important now to have like some visibility. Oh, absolutely. I talk about being gay on stage.

Yes. With no apologies. And I don't have to come out. I just talk about my wife. I talk about my life. I think it's important for other like small town, or even big city lesbians, or gay people, or trans people, or whatever, to just say, you can be you, it's okay to be you.

Right. This is a safe place right here in this moment. Right. And I don't know, like, you mentioned other, other like red places, my wife and I have a rule we're not gonna move somewhere where it's not safe for me to use the bathroom. Right.

Because I'm a lady, I was born a lady. Right. I don't look like a traditional lady all the time, especially on an airport, like if I put a ball cap on, I don't look like a traditional lady all the time, especially on an airport. Like, if I put a ball cap on, I get a lot of young man's. Sir, young man. Like, so many to wear now and so many of y'all's young man more than once, I turn around. Clearly, they made me, oh no, it was a real young man.

Okay. And so I've had multiple experiences in bathrooms that were just uncomfortable. And I feel bad for people that maybe are trans, or that, or it just short-haired lesbians. Right. Because when I see another short-haired lesbian in a bathroom, I was at least given not like, we're both safe right now.

Right. Yeah, I got you, girl. Here in the right room. It's so sad. It's what's happening. It's really sad. It is a reality about. It's real. It is what it is. It is a reality about it. And I think it's sad, but more than anything,

all of us need to be motivated to platform people like you. You need to continue your normalizing that. Right. I am a gay woman. I am in a marriage. We are functioning adults. I am a comedian. Yeah, right.

Exactly. We're fighting about if our dog jumps on the sofa or not, whether or not to feed a dog from your mouth. Right. And I really love the gay community. I have found being an interior designer, I'm surrounded by just a gaggle of gay men being an avid, elite pickleball athlete. I'm surrounded by just a gaggle of gay men being an avid elite pickleball athlete.

I'm surrounded by a ton of lesbians. And I have said this from the jump, I would much rather have friends who have been through shit, right, and the people in the white picket fence world. Sure. I want people who have depth, who have grown from it, who have evolved from it, hearing your story about how it took time for you to come out and getting rejected from your church and the growth that that caused to have, now you sit in front of me, it causes a gravitational pull for me to gravitate towards people like, you could you have something interesting. I've never felt so bad

about comparing you to a hairless guy. Like, you fucking bitch. I do deserve it. I do. No, no, I'm so sorry and think. No, I do. People accused me of being mean to pumps. And so I really probably deserve the, uh, oh, you guys, everybody knows you guys love each other.

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Rocketmoney.com slash had it. I want to play a game with you called Had it or hit it. Oh my god. Welcome to Had it or hit it. I would hit it. I would hit it every day. Sometimes it's okay. Tell us if you've had it with this item or if you would hit it. Had it or hit it. Healthy versions of good food. Had it. I've had it. I'm so sorry. I would like to eat buffalo chicken wings,

buffalo cauliflower, can suck it. With lots of dressing on the buffalo wings. Yes. What the why? Would you ruin? Because like people like, oh my god, I made cookies, but I'm like, if you ever say but, you make a dessert.

There's no sugar. There's no better. No flour, no sugar, no eggs. I'm like, that's not a cookie. Right make a dessert. There's no sugar, there's no better. No flour, no sugar, no eggs. I'm like, that's not a cookie. Right. That's like a bunch of shipwrecked pal together. Okay, so had it or hit it, gluten-free cookies. Had it.

Yeah. I've had it. No more. No more. If you're going to have a sweet, make it the way it should be. And then, didn't like have a cheat day around it. Right. Yeah.

The whole, like, I have this personality type. If somebody actually has celiac, that is 1% of around it. Right. Yeah. The whole like I have this personality type. If somebody actually has celiac, that is 1% of the population. Yeah. And I feel really badly for them, but they don't make their diet a big issue on to other people. But when I hear people, normal people that don't have any food allergy talking about not eating gluten, it makes me want to go get an IV bag of gluten and inject that shit into my veins. Also grind up gluten and snort it at the exact same time because it just infuriates me. I'm like lines of white bread. Oh, the wonder.

Okay, had it or had it speaking of snorting white powders, had it or hit it, stevia. Oh, I've had it with stevia. Oh white powders, had it or hit it stevia. Oh, I've had it with stevia. Oh my gosh, Kristen, I'm a big stevia person. Oh no, it doesn't be different. Why do you not it? I've had it because to me, it's on the same thing of like, if I want a coke, I don't drink coke very often, but if I want a coke, I'm going to have one coke.

And it's going to be delicious. And my mom's like, oh, I've got coaks. And she'll pull out something that resembles a cola. Like Coke, Z-Row, or something. Yeah. And I'm like, it's almost a Coke. Hashtag, almost a Coke. Yeah, had it.

Okay, and our last one, had it or hit it. Billionaires in the news, had it. Had it. Had it, had had it I'm so sick everything everything they do whether they're running for president or dying at the bottom of the ocean right stop it just stop it right driving me crazy we have like billions of people on this planet right doing amazing things but all we hear about are these less than one percent of people with a billion dollars doing stupid shit every day stupid shit stupid shit. So I saw our former president Obama in an interview and it was during the submarine

situation and he said there was a fairy passenger boat off the shore of Greece where 750 people died and nobody's talking about it. We're talking about these four billionaires in the submarine. And I'll be it, that's sad. But I agree with you. It's just like the capitalism sometimes just gets so hyped up that everybody's consumed with what these billionaires are doing.

And I've had it. I've had it. And I'll tell you what else I've had it with. Why are we still so interested in the Titanic? I don't understand the fascination. What is so great about that? I mean, it's like it's saying it's down there. Why are we still talking about it? I don't get it. Why is it so enthralling? I mean, I liked the movie. It's a sad story. It's down at the bottom of the ocean. Right. I mean, a lot of a lot of ships have sunk. Why why the why tannic get preferential

treatment. Yeah, it just seems to be just over the top about the Titanic. I just I've had it with people that want to talk about the Titanic all the time. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm a huge Titanic fan. Okay. I wrote a paper on it in the seventh grade. It was before the movie came out and it was like, I got super into it, but yeah. I recently was on a big fairy boat from Sicily to the mainland of Italy.

And like our Uber car went on the boat and then we went up to the top and ate a hot dog and the only thing that was going through my head was Celine Dion's. My heart will go on. All that was going through my head and I'm like I hope this ride is very long. I know we're going to go down and it's just I could just see her like you know just punch in the shed out of her chest like she did. Did you and Josh get up there and do the arm thing? No. Did you draw you like one of his friends girls?

Kristen Key, we, you know, we are not, we are only good at one thing. And I would say we're moderately good at it. And that is this podcasting thing, but you are kind of a jack of all trades with the guitar. I love the guitar. I love the guitar. So listen, this is a treat. Kristen is going to sing us a song here at I've had it. I was trying to think of which one to play, because we were going to talk about pets.

Right. And then we talked about marginalized groups like gay people. So I couldn't decide whether to play one about weird pet owners or marginalized pets. Yeah, I just said I'm gonna just sing the lesbian national anthem. Oh, okay. I drive a Subaru Donate to dog rescues have armed tattoos. Fem butch or cottagecore we like to be outdoors in hats and cargo shorts with our ugly shoes. My shoes are comfortable, my purse is functional, it has bird's bees. My arms are always flexed. I stayed friends with my ex because we share a pet.

It's a gay girl thing. Pickleball. That was amazing. Pickleball. That was amazing. Pickleball. Christen Key, I have to say it is always so much better when we get to have our guests in studio. Yes. So great to have you again and your perfect skin. Oh my God. You can talk about that all day. Is that a lesbian thing? No. No, it's genetic. My mom's amazing. Oh, my mom has great skin. It's it's the jeans. Well, listener, thank you so much for joining us. Stay Christian,

enjoy your day in action city. Right. Thank you so much for having me. And this has been a I've just I've still like an old lady. This has been a real treat. It's been so special. I have to say that, but it's like we always say that it's been a real treat. It's a real treat. It's been so special. I always say that it's been a real treat. It's a real treat. Listen or please give us five star reviews on Apple and we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday and follow Kristen at at KristenKey.com go to www.crisdenkey.com you can find all of my socials there and I have a million videos watch all of them. Her Instagram is a great follow-up and great friends. I love your feed. Okay, I listen. Without the fans, there is none of this Wednesday,

August 9th. I'm so honored to be here. You'll be rocks America's biggest super fans meet their superstar idols. Yeah! And compete for a once in a lifetime prize. That is correct! I'm gonna take them through my new records all by soul. You can pick a song and we can sing it together on spits. And the title of Ultimate Super Fan.

It is up to you, America! Super Fan! Super Fan premieres Wednesday, August 9th on CBS, and streaming on Paramount Plus. August 9 on CBS, and streaming on Paramount Plus.