I've Had It - Trad Wife Bad Life

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Jen and Pumps have a lot to cover today, so buckle up. Before they get to everyone's favorite neighborhood app the girls have to discuss the grifters on TikTok that are cosplaying as 'tradwives.' Jennifer has had it with Josh Welch and his unconscionable behavior surrounding food. Pumps admits to going full Karen on a restaurant when they didn't deliver her queso to the temperature of her liking and Kiley drops a new trend on the girls surrounding honeymoons...Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast and subscribe to I've Had It wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you to our sponsors: ASPCA: To explore coverage, visitASPCApetinsurance.com/HADIT  *The ASPCA® is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance BetterHelp: Become your own soulmate, whether you’re looking for one or not. Visit BetterHelp.com/HADIT today to get 10% off your first month. Factor: Head to FACTORMEALS.com/hadit50 and use code hadit50 to get 50% off. Skims: Shop SKIMS Bras at SKIMS.com. Now available in 62 sizes (30A - 46H). Plus, get free shipping on orders over seventy five dollars! If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you! After you place your order, select "podcast" in the survey and select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

So we supposed to start the podcast. Ready? One, two, three. Ah, that's my best ever, I think. It is a great day. Pops looks so beautiful in her pink. She's grinning from ear to ear about her clav. I'm so proud of it.

I mean, nothing makes you happier than a great clap. Yeah. How's that espresso machine working out for you that I recommended? I love it. I absolutely love it. I'm doing the four shots like you told me. Yeah. It's just been a huge difference maker in my mornings. You know, that's the deal.

You got to go pharmaceutical strength in the morning. Yeah. You can't do this americano Watered-down crap coffee. You have to go full-throttled Italian pharmaceutical strength espresso Espresso look at you. Okay before we get into what we've had it with

I was in the shower this morning before we came and a fuck Mary kill came to my mind. Okay good I was a really good one. Okay. Okay fuck Mary kill Hassan piker. Okay Jerry O'Connell. Okay, Ben my sailors. Oh My gosh, oh These are all good. Well, they're all your boyfriends. They're all my boyfriends in one place Okay, here's what it is.

Okay. I don't feel good about it. Okay. But I'm gonna kill Hassan, cause he's too young for me. Okay. I'm gonna fuck Jerry, 100%. I knew you were gonna fuck Jerry.

I'm gonna fuck Jerry. I knew you were gonna fuck that pony. I knew you were fucking Jerry. I'm fucking Jerry and I'm marrying Ben Yep, it's exactly I played the tape through in the shower. It's why we are soulmates. I immediately knew It was homicide with Hassan. Yeah, I immediately knew that He is a candidate for any of the three He's a candidate for any of the three and he'd be I'd love to fuck him

if he wasn't so much younger than me. Right. I think it'd be weird. But I knew that Jerry O'Connell was going to get the ride. Yeah. Of my life. I knew that was coming and then I knew that you would marry Ben Myselas because y'all could just be fluffed up in bed watching all the algorithm shit. Right. And you could be like you're on my algorithm, you're next to me, all as well. He's so smart. I love to hear him talk. Like, it would be perfect.

That would be my ideal situation for sure. Pumps and Ben's sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I knew it. What have you had it with? OK, what I've had it with, and this has happened to us a lot lately. Let's hear it.

It's when Caso is not hot, when they give it to you. Queso is supposed to be steaming, piping hot. And I would say four out of the last five times, we've gone somewhere and ordered queso. I've had to send it back, not once, but twice. You have carried the shit out of that queso. I've never seen anything like it. And I would have gone back for a third time,

but you wouldn't let me. No. I mean, I had just had it. I was like, this is not rocket science. Throw it in the fucking microwave. Worst case scenario. Listener. So, Pumps and I like to go to lunch together.

And we go to lunch about four out of five days of the week. Yeah. And we both like to get there around 11 a.m. We have an early lunch before the crowd hits. Yep. And sometimes that case has not been sitting in its pan long enough. So we order it and it comes out.

And it's lukewarm and I could push through. Yeah, you always are like, we could push through. And I'm like, no. Pumps can't. So she grabs the case though, walks it back up. They bring it out again. She takes one bite, no can do. Not gonna happen.

She carries that shit right back up. This guy brings it out like the third time. And he's like, okay, I checked the temperature, it was 130 degrees. And he kind of basically was like, this is hot as it's gonna be. Yeah, and I could tell she took a bite and I could tell like she wants that shit

to be 200 degrees hot. Right, and it was like they were profusely apologizing. And I thought after the second time, wouldn't you just as a precaution or a preemptive challenge, wouldn't you like put a spoon in it to see what the temperature is and test it? So let me tell you what they did. Your back was to them.

My face was to them. You had one of those, you know, like when your kids are little and you could do those little like laser thermometers? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Like on the temple, he had like one of those. Oh, nice. He was checking the temperature.

So when he brought it back and said it was 130, you'd check the temperature with one of those thermometers. I think that thermometer might have been awful a little bit or maybe K-SOS supposed to be served at 170 degrees. Whatever it was, I just, it is striking to me how many times we've ordered K-SO in recent days and we've had to send it back. I just, I find that odd.

And it not just at the same restaurant, different. You know, I, when I dine with you and Josh, there's just a lot more interaction with the kitchen and the restaurant staff than with anybody else that I dine with. It's a higher dining standard. It is a higher dining standard. And you two are borderline unhinged

about getting your needs met at the restaurants. That's true. Josh, for example, yesterday, we were going through a drive-through to get like an ice cream. And Josh said, I'm just so tired of fighting with these restaurants. And I go, what's been going on with the restaurants?

And he said, well, I go to this sandwich shop all the time. And I like to order an Italian sub and I get extra pastrami. And I'm always battling with them because they don't have a button on the register for extra pastrami. So they have to charge me for extra turkey. And then they explained to me,

hey, you're gonna see extra turkey, but it's really for the pastrami. And he said that was about 25 orders ago. Finally, yesterday, the day that he's telling me this, he says to the sandwich shop, listen, I know the deal. I invented this thing. Right.

I'm the guy who decided I wanted extra pastrami and that you have to do the turkey, you don't have to even explain it to me anymore. Right. And he looks at me and he's just exasperated and he goes, it's gotten to the point where I just don't even think I want that double pastrami anymore. I think I'm just, and I go, be a normal person. Right. Yeah. I experienced this with you and with Josh, every meal that I eat. Yeah. There's really only two people on the planet besides my children that I eat with consistently. One is you, my wife, and the other is Josh, my husband. And I just have to sit there and just accept they're going to really push this restaurant staff to the limits. And I just have to sit and watch because I can't really partake in it because you guys have an agenda.

You guys have needs that wanna be met. You're assertive about those needs. And I just sometimes like the hot case, so I am gonna say when he brought it back the third time it was more enjoyable. Well, I'm just, that's what I was gonna say. It's like high standards, I feel like are the bare minimum. Let me tell you what I've had it with.

And I think you're gonna chime in on this with me. Okay. I've kinda had it with Kylie editing our video episodes to where we must look like hammered dog shit. Because listener, we meet people in person at our hot shit tour. And when we met pumps' fuck buddy, Jerry O'Connell, wanna be, everybody's like, wow,

y'all look really good in person. And it's such a shock. They're shocked. And I'm taking it back. And it's not one person. We're shocked. Taking it back. And it's not one person. We've been to 22 cities now. Yeah. And it is every city.

And then when we do in-person guess, it is this surprise stunt that we don't look so bad, that we don't look like hammer dog shit. Yeah, so I think what's been going on since the beginning of this podcast is Kylie's cutting us up on the Instagram and on TikTok and on all this shit on YouTube. And we look like haggard fucking lunatics.

Now, of course we lean into that with our behavior. I'm not saying that we're not aiding and abetting the situation. Right. But there's this relief. And I know you've experienced it, because we kind of look at each other, and we're like, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is Kylie up to?

Defend yourself, Kiles. I'm adding a hammered dog shit filter. Just try to be in. What did he say? I don't know if it's the lights bad. There is something going on, because this is a regular thing. And I'm not saying we look good by any stretch of the imagination, but whatever we look like on these videos. They're pleasantly surprised to see us in person.

Right, pleasantly. I think maybe they're bracing for impact. Right. They like, oh God, we're going to have to see the hammered dog ship podcast girls and they see us and they're like, huh, not as bad as I thought. Not near as bad. And then they're kind of like, God, not as bad as I thought. Not near as bad. And then they're kind of like, God, you're the great in person.

Remember Jerry O'Connell was like, in person you guys look really great. Yeah, he did. He's not even said so. Yeah, I think it's Kylie. I think it's all Kylie. I think you're welcome. Sounds like I'm doing a favor.

I have a whole theory. And we've talked about the dating app theory, right? Would you want to look better on camera? And then they meet you and they're like, ooh, I thought you were going to be prettier. No, I agree with that. I do think if you're going to have a dating profile, you don't over, what do you call it when you doctor up a photo? Photoshop.

Photoshop it. You don't Photoshop it to such a degree when you sit down at the table, they're like, oh my God, she's a hammer. I thought she was pretty. Like you're not recognizable. So I do think it's better to have a less attractive picture and then knock their socks off on purpose. You know what it's called? What? This is the reverse catfish. It is the reverse catfish that we're doing here. You're putting us out on the internet. We look like hammered dog shit.

Our behavior sadly probably matches that. So we're aiding and abetting this fraud that you're perpetrating. And then people meet us in public and in person and they're like, God, yo, actually look somewhat normal. You don't look 150 years old. Yeah. So Kylie, I guess this is not gonna change.

I guess we're not gonna take any proactive measures to help this situation. No, no, no. I think it's working. Here's what I think. I think we see people online and they're always Photoshopped. They look incredible on Instagram, TV on film you meet them You expect them not to look as good because a lot of times they don't

People just expect you to be uglier than the beauty that you look like on the screen And when you don't you exceed their expectations, they let you know Jennifer, I don't know about you, but I think that sounds like an excuse. It's the reverse Catfish and also a jet stream of bullshit from our executive producer, Kylie. I would fire her on the spot, but we don't know how to do jack shit without her. We can't do anything. Mm-hmm. So we'd be lost.

That's right. Okay. So we'll just look like shit on the internet and keep moving. And just roll along. All right. Welcome to I've Had It podcast, a.k.a. Girl Please. Pumps say it. Say welcome to Girl Please.

Welcome to Girl Please. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I still don't know where that came from. Well, I think we all know where it came from. Yeah, I think that's been established. Yeah. You got to get laid. Got to get laid. That's it. Full stop. Yeah. And maybe you'll quit trying to rename our podcast. Rock or cock. All right. All right. I want to talk, before we kick it to Kylie,

I want to talk about this trend that I saw on TikTok that is so bizarre and I probably spent about an hour on this feed, this algorithm. So bizarre you couldn't turn away. I couldn't stop. It's called the Trad Wife TikTok trend. And Trad is short for traditional. Have you seen this? Is that a rhetorical question?

No, I haven't seen it. Okay. So there's these gals on Instagram and they're like baking bread and their kids are kind of, you know, around them as they're doing it. And then they have like a voiceover and it's like, I'm a traditional wife. Women these days are all about trying to make their

place in the workforce, but I'm trying to make my place in the home. I bake homemade bread for my children. And I believe in being a submissive wife for the Lord and teaching biblical principles, even being a submissive wife for the Lord and teaching biblical principles, yak yak, blah blah. I go in, I've got about 15 of these girls clocked, right? Cause I've spent an hour of my life but I'm never getting back, right? You're in.

So here's what I thought about the whole thing. Number one, it's such bullshit and it's a total scam cause they're acting like they're traditional wives, yet they're producing these highly edited and like clipped TikTok videos right that are going viral. This one gal has, um, I would say a set of breasts that probably yours look like when you were probably in your early twenties, late teens. look like when you were probably in your early 20s, late teens. So they're a fast duo. Yes, a dynamic duo. She's all dolled up and she wears kind of 1950s style dresses

with kind of a low scoop neck, a real tight cinched waist. She's kind of a blonde bombshell, right? And she's always on their grandstanding in full makeup, tits out, making all this homemade shit, talking about the Bible. And to me, I'm watching it and I'm like, this has got to be some sort of fetish thing that people are watching.

Gotta be. You know? And I'm like, there's nothing traditional about all this grandstanding and putting it on social media. It's traditional wife fraud, yeah, for starters. And number two, like the fact that like, this is kind of trying to make some comeback when we all know you and I, listener,

we have a lot of young listeners, when you get to BRH, I'm gonna tell you what happens to women that go all chip in on their husband's income. Actually, I'm going to let the divorce attorney tell you what happens when a woman is college educated, has a job, quits her job, and then stays at home for 15, 20 years. And then the husband fucks around. What does this broad find out that she's fucked to death, that she will, it will take her 10 years to make an equivalent of the income that she and her husband made together, that she will never recover financially from

that. And I can speak not only as divorce lawyer but personal experience because that's what I did and it was an abject disaster. And not only that, then a lot of times women accept unacceptable situations so that they can survive. This is number one, it's total fraud grandstanding that they're doing, but number two, it is a very dangerous message for women. When you get to BRH, not everybody's marriage is great. Typically the ones that are grandstanding on the internet about how great their marriage is,

those are the most fucked up out of all of them. No, I agree. And it always, anytime someone says, I submit to my husband, I'm always alarmed. Anytime anyone says they're submitting to anything that they take away their own intellectual and intellectual autonomy. I mean, financial autonomy, it, it dangerous is a good word. It's really dangerous.

Because you become dependent on that. And then you're in a situation where you're financially trapped, you're emotionally trapped because you think, oh, okay, well, I need to submit, somebody else makes better decisions than I do. Oh, they're bragging on there. My husband makes 100% of all financial decisions. Right, which is a huge problem. And I say at home and it's got these kids, and these girls, some of them are like young,

some of them look kinda granola and they're cute, but then they always slip in all this Bible stuff with it too. And it's just like, women are progressing to a state now where we are able to have autonomy and have an exit strategy if you find yourself in a situation that is unacceptable, abusive, controlling, toxic, not productive. And when you submit to your husband,

you submit to all of it, all of it. All of their crazy and it's unhealthy and all of this shit's going completely viral. So my take on it as number one, the one gal with the dynamic duo, brass, right? I think there's some sort of sexual fetish thing going on that she's getting all these guys because it's, it's, it has all of these kind of like sexual undertones. Well then there's kind of like the granola hippie with a tinge of Amish kind of granola that's baking these breads and they're talking about the Bible and her husband makes all of these decisions and how empowering that is for her. What? That's fraud. That's not even, what?

Yeah. And I just, and then if you're doing this, you can't both be a traditional wife and then have this side hustle producing these TikTok things. I don't know if you've ever tried to make one of these TikTok reels. I haven't. Kids, listener, those of you that know how to do this,

blindfolded, good for you. We didn't grow up with computers in our house. We had encyclopedias, okay? Right. And it's very complicated to make these TikTok videos. That's why we can't fire Kylie for making this look like shit on the internet. Because we need her.

We need her. It's very complicated. And so they're doing all this shit. It's the same with these performative moms. They're like, look at what a great mom I am. I'm like, well, we know you're spending at least eight hours a day editing all these TikToks. Right.

So shut the fuck up. I'll tell you why. That is worrisome. I mean, in the back of my mind, when you first started talking about it, I was like, are they serious about it? And I guess the answer is yes, but it's just, it's so far outside my realm of comprehension

why that would be a good idea that I just am like, are they serious? Oh, they're serious. I mean, it's just, it's mind-blowing. They're serious. And there was this one gal that made like a contrarian point of view. She was a black woman.

And she said, oh, isn't it so nice, these trad wives talking about taking being a wife back 50 years ago? Right. Let me tell you something. Black women have had to work in this country since they were brought over on the slave ships. These black women worked in the homes of these traditional wives. Right. And we've had to work this whole time. So this traditional wife, this trad wife trend is nothing short of just flexing what white women are able to do because black women have had to work from the jump for the last 400 years.

It's not an option to be at home and manage your staff and bake all this bread and blah, blah. So I loved her. Like I liked and favored it. So I loved her. Like I liked and favored it. And I did all the stuff on TikTok with her video. I loved it. Yeah, I loved that.

She did a good job. And I'll tell you what else. You knew who else is the traditional wife? Serena Waterford on The Handmaid's Tale. Yeah, she's also a sociopath. Also a sociopath. And I'm going to tell you, you do kind of get these sociopathic vibes from these videos.

They're like, it's like a Stepford slash sociopath vibe. I'll show them to you when we quit filming. It's nuts. It is psychotic, it's dangerous. And then here's the thing, you have so many people that are so maybe insecure and impressionable in their early 20s that see that and they make it look so ideal like they're home,

baking, you don't see the kids going crazy with green snot coming out of their nose. And shitting their pants all over the house. Yeah, and then the husband, God making them do God knows what. And I just think it's just this really backward, dangerous thing to glorify. Look, it's a free country.

You can post whatever the hell you want to on the internet. But the trad wife shit, I've had it up to my eyeballs. I think it's a total fraud. And if you're a trad wife, spending all all of these hours curating all of these videos getting super dolled up for your Instagram you're just a grifter on the internet like the rest of us. You're no different than pumps in me. Right. We're all out here grifting on the internet. So get the fuck over yourself own it. You know like I'm grifter, grifting out like I'm a traditional wife, but really I may a TikTok influencer

or an internet influencer, that's what they're doing. It's no different than the get ready with me's. You know, it's just everybody's out grifting on the internet trying to make a buck. No, I totally agree. I mean, top of the list us. All right, Kylie, have you seen that trad wife stuff? I have. It's really scary.

Do you think there's any lesbian, trad wives? There's got to be, but not as many lesbians are better. Lesbians should rule the world. They should. Lesbians are better. I don't know that there would be like a lesbian, trad wife that's about all this submissive, right? That's what the Bible stuff, because, you know, you get, when you get with the gay stuff and then you get the Bible stuff, those things don't mix well.

They've tried, they're trying to make loopholes and what not for it. But typically, if you're that kind of a Bible follower, your only option if you're gay is to pray it away. And we all know how well that works. Oh, it's 100% failure. that works. Oh, it's a hundred percent failure. All right. Pumps, it's no secret that I take being a pet owner incredibly serious. There is absolutely no doubt about that. It is a journey that I'm on with my dogs and I

want their lives to be as carefree and wonderful as they deserve to be. But oftentimes in their short lives, they can get ill and things can happen and you can start to panic over how expensive the veterinarian bills could be. The ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier for pet parents like you

to help your pet get the care that they need. Because vet bills can really add up, especially when you're least expecting it, and let's face it, your dogs deserve the top-tier treatment of any veterinary clinic on the planet. To explore coverage, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com. That's ASPCAPetInsurance.com. Again, that's ASPCAPetInsurance.com. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer

and is not engaged in the business of insurance. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Pumps, I have to tell you, you never stop needing therapy. And just when I think nailing it, I've got everything on lockdown, I end up thinking something crazy or doing something crazy or have some sort of internal conflict. That's why I love better help so much. I love better help because it's so convenient. And I can do it in my own home which causes me to be more comfortable and open with my therapist. Absolutely and I think that as we keep aging in life there's a desire to just get better and make your life easier and that's why I love better help.

The therapists are so incredibly talented and the idea that we can do this in our own homes, on our own schedule makes me so much less inhibited to be brutally honest to get to my core issues. Listener, become your own soulmate whether you're looking for one or not. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-, hlp.com slash had it.

I want to talk about liars on the internet today. Oh, God, that's a great topic. You know, it's a great segue because that's what the Tradwives are, liars on the internet. I planned that really good segue. This is a good lie, I guess, but we posted a promotional reel for an episode that had not come out yet. Okay, so you put a reel up to promote that it's coming out like what tomorrow? Yeah, the next day. No one had seen it except the three of us in this room. Okay. Someone named Maureen, and I'm not scared to call her out because I know she's not listening to the pod, commented and said, this was such a funny episode. And it hadn't aired yet. It hadn't aired yet.

So she's just flat up, straight out, lying in the comments section. She's lied. Well, maybe she just thinks that our episodes are just reels online. I just don't think so, pumps. I think that she's lying on the internet. You think? I think she wanted praise. And what did the comments say? What did you write in the comment when you did the promotional? The caption said episode

drops tomorrow. Okay, that's worse. So she's not reading it, she's not watching it, she's not paying attention, and she's lying. But at least she's lying in a positive light. I'll give her that. Okay, I also have a DM that we received that I wanna read to you. Okay. This is from Erin. And Erin writes,

an ode to Jennifer Princess Die Kylie plus New Bitch. On behalf of my wife and your self-proclaimed number one fan, we wanna thank you for saving our marriage. How did you do that, you may ask? Well, it's quite simple. You stopped being lazy twats and started taking your real job seriously by delivering more content on YouTube, Patreon,

and by adding iHip News to YouTube. My wife and I have gone back to our nightly ritual of not speaking to each other unless we pause the video to agree with something funny you said. However, before you get too high on your own supply, this is absolutely not the time to rest on your laurels and revert back to old patterns. Divorce will still happen without pumps and boo clay furniture will still thrive without Jennifer. And now that I've expressed my feelings, I need to go have my daily minty bee.

How cute was that? Saving marriages. Saving marriages with the addition of girl, please. Welcome to our news channel. Girl, please. No, listener, we have, we start on Mondays and Fridays, Pumps and I, because we're both very political. Right. We both consume a lot of news and read the news.

Nobody on the planet consumes as much news as pumps. But so on Mondays and Fridays on YouTube only, we do our take on the news. For those of you for some bizarre reason that might still be hanging around that are MAGA followers you would not like at all the Monday, Friday news segments. No, not at all. But you know what? They could write hateful comments and that would make them feel better.

Yeah, and it would help. Number one, give us comments. That's right. To do dramatic readings. Number two, help the algorithm. Right. And number three, you know, I can't imagine when you just start going off

in the comment section that you feel good. Obviously people do because they like to just go ape shit crazy, let their freak flags fly. Yeah, maybe, I don't know. I don't know. Speaking of freak flags flying, I saw a Washington Post article that I have to tell you about. People are now having something called the buddy moon

instead of a honeymoon. And it's where they invite their friends along with them. On the honeymoon? On the honeymoon. So this girl, for example, she wrote, we literally went from welcome party to rehearsal dinner, then wedding day, then the buddy moon where everyone came along. And some people are even doing family moons. Oh, gosh.

Oh, shit, the fuck. Where all of their family is coming on their honeymoon with them. Now, that is just a recipe for disaster. That's psychotic. Here would be my take on it from personal experience. I one time took an anniversary trip with my ex-husband, and I took it to a place that I had a really close girlfriend.

And so she stayed with us the whole time, but that was by design. So there was no alone time with ex-husband on an anniversary trip. So that to me screams, I don't want to be with my spouse alone. I mean, that's, and maybe that's just my projection because that's what I did.

But I just don't think it's normal. Aren't you just supposed to like breathe like rabbits the whole time on your honeymoon and just be in lullaby and goo goo ga ga love? Well, I mean, I would just think that it's a time after you have done all of these group activities. Right. You've gone through the showers, the rehearsal dinners,

the welcome parties, the receptions. Everybody's around you all the time. It's a time to just go and kind of decompress, like you said, have sex, have a nice time together. Bringing the friends is problematic. Bringing the family is an extra layer of concern. No, that's alarming. I mean, I can kind of see if you're going on a great trip

and another couple wants to come. I mean, kind of sort of maybe you could sell that to me. Why not do a couple's trip at a later date? Right. This is the honeymoon. This is the honeymoon, but bringing your family, that just tells me your mother and father-in-law are going to be in your bedroom, your entire marriage. That is a terrible idea.

Butting moon. Butting moon. I don't know. I just think that's not a good way to start. And listener, in case you're new here, will you please remind the listener how your marriage ended after the buddyversary trip? I went down in a ball of flames, sunk like the Titanic. Yeah, it did sink.

It was a train wreck. I mean, it was just every bad metaphor you can come up with is applicable. Disaster city. I think that that is all a symptom of this anxiety of the same thing when you're, when you don't want to be alone and if you don't want to be alone as a couple, it's this anxiety that something's off. Right, I mean, I just think it's a huge red flag. Huge.

So how do we charge people for that diagnosis that we just gave them? What's a therapist like $250, $300 an hour? Yeah, Venmo pumps, pumps, pumps, pumps. Because that is just, if you find yourself in a situation where you've planned all this stuff and then you're leaving town and your friends are going with you on your honeymoon

and if your family's going with you on your honeymoon, that is just an extra layer of disaster and just weird after it's weird. It's weird. Who wants their family to go on their honeymoon? Ooh, creepy, creepy, creepy. Yeah. Well, I mean, God, I'm just, you know, you know, one thing that I enjoy about

bringing up all this stuff, it just highlights how healthy we are. Which is not easy to do. We're not trad wife, tick-tock influencers. No, we are not. We're not going on buddy moons. We're not going on family moons. I just can't imagine anything worse. The only thing we have going for us

is we look like hammer dog shit on camera. Right. The upside is we look less likeed dog shit on camera. Right. So the upside is we look less like hammered dog shit in person. The reverse catfish is going on here and I've had it. Up next, we have one of our favorite features that Kylie and Seth and I prepared. We have not shared these with pumps because as the listener has grown accustomed, pumps is laugh is best when it's

natural and just letting us all in on the giggle. So we're going to read from the next door app. Okay, this is one of my favorites. Okay. Pam posts and this is the entire thing is Kaplok. Okay, so she's screaming it. Donald Trump, truth social, Kaplok, 245 AM Bender. Okay.

Okay. Important information contained below. If you own a locking mailbox and if your box was pride open with a tool, it is absolutely legal to rig your mailbox to detonate a small, non-lethal explosive device to scare the would-be theft from stealing your mail. There are tutorials on YouTube and don't worry, the mailman will be safe. If that doesn't solve your problem, send me your address. And when you most frequently experience mail theft, and I'll hide in the bushes and stake out your mailbox until you are satisfied. If you absolutely can't figure out how to do this yourself, first, and I assure you

it is legal, second, I can help and can be contacted on this website if you need help setting up the contraption. Stay safe and screw the mail thieves. I think we found who's breaking into the mailboxes. Right, she's doing it herself. So she can make all these bombs and stop people's mail boxes. I mean, that is some A plus crazy right there.

What about, just let me know when this happens and I'll stake it out and hide in the bushes. I mean, that's kind of a profile and courage. I mean, just selfless neighborly actions right there. Like if you can't blow the criminal up by making this bomb on YouTube. Right, that you got the directions. Don't worry, I got you.

Even though we don't know each other, we're neighbors. We're both on the Neighborhood app. I'll stake it out and hide in the bushes. And here's the deal. She's telling people, oh, putting a bomb in your mailbox. No worries, it's legal. Who the fuck are you, Karen? Have you heard of the unibomber dumbass?

Right, like people don't go around bombing people over fucking snail mail. I mean, that just doesn't happen. What a freak, you know what she needs? Something to do. To get laid? To get laid? Right, if like three or four months from now,

if I'm staking out mailboxes, we'll just hire a jiggler. I think we're gonna have to. Because this is the downside of not having sex That's what we've jumped right into we're bombing people's mailbox Hiding ambitious. We're giving legal advice when we're not lawyers. Yep. We're spending 24-7 Staking out other people's mailbox and it might remind you over snail mail. Yeah, Kylie. Do you have anything good for us? I do I've got Tina who lives in Austin, Texas. Okay. She writes on Nextdoor and says,

I would love to have a Trump and Cruz sign in my yard. Where do we get them? Ryan responds, Jim Crow's campaign office has some. Tina says, where's that? Ryan says, 1950 segregation street. Tina says, it's not coming up on navigation. Is it Austin? Tina is exactly who I think of when I think of both a Donald Trump and Ted Cruz supporter, uneducated,

unconscious and incompetent. Here's what just blows my mind. If you were kind of a, if you were a nut and you're like totally in on Trump and Cruz, whatever the psychology is that gets you there, let's just say that I'm gonna accept it. The part that I can't accept is that you advertise about it. Right, why aren't you embarrassed?

You know what I mean? If you like one of these, I'm a fiscal Republican and I'm just voting for my tax bracket, blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up, don't tell anybody you're doing it. Right. Don't put a Trump sign and a crew sign in your yard. But this level of crazy is so unhinged. I mean, they're like ripping their clothes off, painting crews, MAGA, Photoshopping pictures of both of them, and it's just like

this weird homoerotic worship that they have for these politicians. It's just this, that watching, observing that level of crazy is really fascinating to me. Now, I'm totally fascinated by the whole thing. I love the fact that the guy stuck with it in answering the questions. Though if you watch on TikTok or on Instagram, those reels were like the good liars and Jordan, what's his name, Jordan something, Clipper, Clipper.

Yeah. They go to these Trump rallies and within the second question, they have these people in an intellectual headlock and the people don't realize it. No, they do not. They've just contradicted themselves 17 times and they've got them in like this intellectual headlock is the easiest thing on the planet for them to do.

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38 to 46 H, plus get free shipping on orders over $75. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. Pumps, I have to tell you, I have been preparing food at home. Really? Yes, I have discovered this new service called Factor. Factor is delicious, ready to eat

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That's code HADIT50 at factormeals.com slash hadit50 to get 50% off. All right, this one's titled Naked Neighbors. Hey guys, has anyone else seen the elderly couple who are walking the streets nude around 6.45 a.m. every morning? I know when they're walking by because my dog starts going crazy. Please let me know if you know them or if you've seen them. I would like to join them.

It seems super liberating and fun as there aren't many people out at that time. Thanks. What on earth is going on in that neighborhood? 265 year olds naked walking down the street at 645 and this guy's not horrified he's wanting to jump in? I mean I just am kind of like you know whatever. That just not sound good at all. I mean I like the liberation factor like run around in the backyards together, have a swing and singles naked party all day long. But I just, for me personally, I don't want to

see it. All right, I want to play Would You Rather real quick. Okay. Would you rather go on a cruise, the world's largest cruise ship, 8,000 passengers, lots of children, okay? And you have to dine with people, you have to interact, you have to do activities for 10 days, or go to an exclusive all-nude resort for 48 hours, easily the new resort for 48 hours. I don't have a problem with the nudity, but just on the street. 48 hours easily the new resort for 48 hours.

I don't have a problem with the nudity, but just on the street. All right, let me sweeten the deal here. At the nude resort, there are group activities such as nude volleyball, oil wrestling, mud wrestling, bubble time where everybody's in the hot tub with bubbles, all of those freak show things that they do at these nude resorts, and you have to do a full light nude yoga, you know, fluffing massages where you, you know, you're like a fluffer to get people

ready for sex and whatnot. 48 hours. And I mean, you have to do a full itinerary of all the naked shit or 10 days on the carnival. I'm going to the spa. I mean, because when you said that, I thought, I could probably, if I really try, I will oil up the dragons, and then I could do like a volleyball. You know how you serve a volleyball? I bet by the end of 48 hours, I could serve volleyball with a dragon.

Is that a clue? I mean, I really do. I mean, that's immediately what I thought. I could work on mine. Would you just kind of just be like, okay, I'm here for 48 hours and I'm naked. So I'm just gonna oil up and I'm just gonna be loud-pressed.

I'm gonna shimmy it around. What would you do with your pubes? With my pubes? Yeah, prior to your 48 hour debut at the Nude Resort. I would be a high and tight, complete trim job. Would you have any or would you go full Brazilian? No, I'd have some, not full Brazilian. Little landing strip.

Just a little tiny patch, yeah. For maybe Jerry O'Connell if he were there to land the plane. Yes, just a few directions, guiding directions. Yes, yes. Oh man. But there's just very few things that I would not do to avoid a group activity of 8,000 people. A cruise ship of 8,000 people for 10 days.

I mean, I just can't even imagine. What do you think we can do, Kylie, to make this 48 hour at the nude vacation hotel happen? I think we could post it on Patreon. It sounds like the hanger trick's gonna be whipped out if we're doing volleyball service. Oh, for sure, I'm doing the hanger trick. I might even be the star attendee.

Of the nudist colony. Of the nudist colony. If I could go around and teach the group how to hang a hanger. On their nipples. On their nipples. Maybe I could do enough hanging on the nipples with wire hangers.

My goal could be to get back to a wooden hanger or even a big coat hanger. Okay, let me ask you this. Let's say that like you go to nude morning yoga, then you have nude breakfast, right? They're serving like sausages and all this phallic shit, right? Hot dogs, you gotta eat all that feeling about this. You gotta eat all that shit. And then they have, you have a choice for your mid-morning activity. You can either go to

booty twerking class or hot tub circle jerk, where everybody sits in a circle in the hot tub and massages each other in oils. Are you twerking your booty? Are you doing the circle jerk massage? Circle jerk massage. I thought you were going to say I had to stick a hot dog or a sausage in my machine. That's what I was preparing myself for. I was like, oh, God.

I mean, here's the deal. I'd still go to the resort. I just take a sausage link and just fucking own that shit. You've got to get like you're over there, grab it. And hot dogs up your twat. Because you're so desperate. But no one asked you to do that. No, but that's what I thought she was getting at.

That's what I was preparing for. And then you have a microphone and you just went ahead and volunteered that you're cramming hot dogs and wiener schnitzels up your twat. Well, in the interest of full transparency, if it's a would you rather, I just can't be on a cruise ship. But was your would you rather? if it's a would you rather, I just can't be on a cruise ship. But would you rather, that wasn't my would you rather,

that's all your idea. That came from the, from the depths of your second, I'm just picturing you twerking, you know, to baby got back and stuff. And I'm thinking how fun that would be and how much I'd like to watch it. I can't dance. That's why it would be so fantastic.

I had no idea where your mind was going. We had no idea how sick I was. Where you're eating stuff through your vagina instead of your mouth at the breakfast at the all-inclusive nude camp that Kylie and I are clearly gonna sign you up for with the help of our Patreon members. Those filthy animals over at Patreon would love it.

Yeah, yeah, that's where I thought I was going. Oh my God. I just love pups, Kylie. What about you? You simply mentioned breakfast. No, she said, fallible reference, and I thought. Sausages and hot dogs. I just never had stuff it up your twat though.

Did you mind if I were there? Not at all. Mind it neither. That's where I thought it was going. I was using a narrative, a descriptive narrative for a listener to explain that like, this is a naughty, you know, there's a lot of sexual innuendo at the nudist vacation hotel.

And so I'm just painting the picture in a descriptive way. Bumps is grabbing those sausages and hot dogs. And cram them up her vagine. And then telling everybody that's what she was thinking about to all 10 of our listeners. Admitted it. Admitted it. Yeah.

That's where her head went. And I mean, she didn't even bat an eye about the nude thing. And then the next thing you know, she's crammed stuff up her vagina. You know what? I think you would probably, I think you'd probably get laid a ton. I think you'd probably think something.

I actually do, yeah. It would be great. I'd probably fucking love it. I wanna go back the next weekend. You could just get laid left and right. I could just, I mean, I could do like three or four in a weekend. Yeah. Maybe a day.

Yeah. The dragons are out. They're playing volleyball. They're oiled up and ready anyway. Yeah. I'm lubed up from head to toe. Weiner's coming in and out. We'll just end up for breakfast. I'll just take the weenie leg, the sausage, and just be like, who else coming?

I am so sorry. It always, this is what always happens with us. Yeah. We're just not, this is what always happens with us. Yeah, we're just not this is what always happens with us. So the two are young younger listeners You never really grow out a fun potty humor. No, you don't and if you do then I don't want to be the their friend no The crass parts of the fun part. Yeah, if you don't have a friend that would go to a nudist hotel and during breakfast cram hot dogs and wiener schnitzels and Sausages up their vagina just for kicks and it would you rather bet then get new friends?

You've got the wrong friend. You got the wrong friends pumps is already taken. She's mine. I'm not trading her in today Not today Okay, Jean posted, people, when you are sitting in the comfort of your own home watching porn, apparently on a sound bar from what info I can get, you may not realize that you are broadcasting it through my Samsung Smart Hub refrigerator. Please disconnect from my device.

That's fantastic. So this is a neighbor that's got their porn going and it's coming out on this woman's refrigerator. Yeah, so it probably has a Samsung sound bar, right? So it's Bluetooth connected. So he just clicked Samsung for a sound bar. The neighbor's got a Samsung Bluetooth refrigerator, which I could only imagine is something like this happened at the pumps residence. If porn started coming out of the refrigerator, I don't know. I mean, with all of this, you know, the Sahara Desert drought you're going through. No sausage would be safe. No sausage would be safe. No sausage in the neighborhood would be safe.

I mean, we just have to appreciate, like her refrigerator is plain porn for, that's pretty amazing. I mean, that's, we have come a long way with technology. Yeah, the marvels of modern science. How about that? That's funny. I really like that. Alright Joel writes,

can one of you guys that drive 50 miles per hour down my street run over that lady that walks her dogs at 430 in the morning? Thank you. I'm with him. I think that's a great comment. Okay here's one. To the little girl that threw a fully grown adult potato at my head this evening. I hope you are happy with yourself. I hope you had a good laugh when that potato bounced off my car and hit me again. I am a proud family man and Lexis owner and don't deserve vegetables flying at my head.

This town has taken a turn for the worse. Thank you. That's just a big fat titty baby right there. I didn't realize that Lexus owners had a preferred treatment over other car owners, did you? No, I didn't either. And I fucking love the fact that the potato bounced off the car and hit him again.

Yeah, he deserved it. He deserved it. I mean, who gets mad at a kid that does something stupid like that? I mean, that just happens, shit happens. Yeah, he deserved it. He deserved it. What? I mean, who gets mad at a kid that does something stupid like that? I mean, that just happens. It happens. Yeah. Titty, baby, deluxe. Titty, baby, city, baby. Titty, baby, city, baby. All right, this one says, Hello, I might be in need of a summer nanny. I have an eight year old daughter and an 11 year old son. Pam responds, do not have Joe Biden watch kids. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to respond to this and take the job. You know what, President, I've got some downtime in the summer, I'll be a nanny.

As a side hustle. As a side hustle. And how about somebody that may need a nanny? Like you either need a nanny or you don't. This is so unhelpful. This is so unhelpful on so many levels. Here's one, very angry. I'm very upset at some of my neighbors.

In fact, I am completely disgusted and disturbed. I cannot believe the disrespect that I have encountered in this neighborhood. When I am walking my pet iguana, I expect to be greeted with joy. Thank you so much, Brad, my lovely teenage neighbor for calling me a weird lizard lady and telling me to go home and proceeded to then call me a waffle stomper. What does that even mean? I will walk my iguana with confidence. Never again will me and John McCain, my iguana be disrespected. Next time, I will be calling the proper authorities. Brad was mean to John McCain, the Iguana, and she had had it. She's had it with that.

She has had it. Nobody is going to disrespect John McCain except for Donald Trump. That's right. Everybody knows that. I mean, he's the only one allowed. Here's what my thought is. If you're a weird lizard lady and you walk your lizard, why don't you just own being a weird lizard lady?

It's highly unusual to walk a lizard. It's highly unusual. I think it's a weird name for the lizard, John McCain. I think so. Maybe she had a crush on him. Maybe she admired him because he was a war hero. I hear we are back with the crushes on men. It's always a lizard.

Now it's a lizard. I think this woman's a nut. And then if a kid, a teenage kid, Brad, is calling you a weird lizard lady. I mean, that's just grow up. Aren't you a weird lizard lady? I mean, the facts indicate you are a weird lizard lady. Yeah.

So I mean, I think he probably has called the situation. Let me ask you this. Are you a weird nudist colony lady? Is that what you are at breakfast? Is that what you are at pumps? In that scenario, absolutely I was. And you know what, here's the deal. Fuckin' own that. What about the volleyball?

You're the weird volleyball servin' off your titty. Here's the deal. If I could serve a volleyball of my old Sagin' Dragon, I would be so proud of that I might post it on Instagram if I knew how. You'd be the star of the Internet, honestly. I'm here for it. Wouldn't my kids be delighted?

You know what? There are so many ways that we as mothers can make our children proud of us. Absolutely. You know, and I think that's one thing. We haven't, I don't think anybody's ever discussed that. Right. I've never heard that on a podcast or in the news.

Kylie, have you? I have not. Yeah. We could maybe even turn on a podcast or in the news. Kylie of you. I have not. Yeah We could maybe even turn it into like a trial Olympic sport. Yeah Get one of the trad moms out there or what do they call trad mom? Yeah, trad mom Get see if she can we could compare her Serve if her husband lets her if after she has permission from her husband, of course And after the bread's rising, right, right, right. Well, I mean, we could go on and on, but we need to save some of these for the next time

we whip out a Neighborhood App episode. But I think that was great. We learned a lot of great stuff about pumps today. We have some goals for you. We have some goals. We have some new outdoor activities I could be trying. I just, you know what? I can't believe, I can't believe how hot you are

that we haven't received just a deluge of applications of suitors chomping at the bit. Oh yeah, it's a real shock. Ready to take you out and razzle-dazzle you. I'm dead serious. I mean, I see it in the comment section. Right, well, maybe one has a friend they can set me up with. Well, all right, let's continue this conversation about your dating arc on our Patreon and our after show. If you have not joined our Patreon yet, we do after shows after each podcast for more content. When we get one million subscribers,

Pumps is going to strip down naked and balance a wire hanger on her nipple. I'm also gonna add to that. I'll serve a volleyball off one of the dragons. Or at least a temp tube. Oiled up? Oiled up. Butt naked.

Butt naked. Oh God, that's great. We're so short of this goal, but I mean. That's why I mean, I might even say I'd put a sausage in my vision. If we got a million, why not? Why not throw that in? I mean, sky's the limit for us on Patreon.

Yeah, all right. So join us on Patreon. Come see us on the hot shit tour. Still pretty butt hurt that the number of downloads we have do not correlate with the number of five-star reviews. It's just a little side grievance of mine that I guess I'm gonna continue to have as long as we have these lackluster,

unengaged listeners. What else do we tell on Pumps? Subscribe to all of our stuff. Subscribe and send a voice memo about what you've had it with too. I've had it podcast on Instagram. And if you're in Patreon, in the top tier of our Patreon cult,

you have a direct line to Kylie for your grievances to be featured on an episode of this hammered shit podcast of ours. Pumps tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both.