I've Had It - Uncut Gems with Countess Luann

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Jennifer and Pumps have had it. Pumps describes a horrendous experience she recently had with a toddler parent in a parking lot and Jennifer has had it with overeager servers/retail workers. Later on, Countess Luann De Lesseps pops in and answers every dirty question the girls can think of, such as "do you prefer cut or uncut?" NEW MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE at https://ivehadit.store Come see I've Had It live on the Hot Sh*t Tour! More info & tickets are available at https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast and subscribe to I've Had It wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you to our sponsors: ASPCA Pet Health Insurance: To explore coverage, visit http://ASPCApetinsurance.com/HADIT *This is a Paid Advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company, and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency, Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. This episode is brought to you by Peloton: Wherever you’re starting, get moving with a Peloton Bike or Bike+ rental at www.onepeloton.com/bike/rentals. Terms apply. Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/hadit now to grow your business – no matter what stage you’re in. Bombas: Ready to get comfy and give back? Head over to Bombas.com/hadit and use code hadit for twenty percent off your first purchase. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast  Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Luann De Lesseps @countessluann 

I've Had It is sponsored by Peloton. So we supposed to start the podcast. Ready? One, two, three. Five out of ten. Maybe six. Yeah, I could go six. Six, but that's it. All right, welcome.

Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. What have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is stupid toddler parents. Let me tell you what I mean. So last night I'm driving in to dinner at a restaurant. Okay. There's a bike path and a walk path that you have to allow the pedestrians to go by before you turn.

So I'm sitting there waiting, this couple with like a four-year-old runs across they leave the toddler in the in the walkway where the cars go like in the drive and little girl starts doing like twirly birds and being funny and her parents are Out of the drive area for the car, but they're laughing at her going, come on, come on, come on, she's not. So this goes on for probably, I mean, it felt like five minutes, but it was probably 15 seconds.

She finally goes over and starts holding a pole and leaning back to where my car would drive. And they just think it's hilarious. Never once do they grab her hand and move her on. So finally I rolled down the window and I said, would you mind removing the child so that I don't hit her with driving with my car? And they were like, oh yeah,

she just thinks this is so funny. And I was like, what's not funny is how fucking stupid you are. That you think that the entire world gives a flying fuck if your kid's doing a twirly-wirly in the middle of a drive for cars. Yeah, it's, you know what this is? It's a lack of self-awareness by proxy.

Perfect analogy, that's perfect. And what they do is they lack self-awareness because they're so blinded by their love for their child that they completely lose all self-awareness. This happens all the time where they had self-awareness for themselves to get out of the way. But then all of a sudden, their daughter was on stage for you. She was in a production. And they thought this was a gift for you. And they completely lacked self-awareness.

And what's most disturbing about this is when you roll down the window, they said, yeah, she's just having so much fun. And it's like, don't care, that's not the point. Clear the driving area. Clear the driving area. And I thought, why am I the person worried about your child's safety?

Oh, they're worried about how cute she is. They're worried about how darling she is. You know, this is really ubiquitous on airplanes. It's awful. You got some kid that's doing a lot of stuff, talking super loudly, jumping up and down the seat, just making a big ruckus. And I immediately zero in, like one of the parents going to shut the kid up. jumping up and down the seat, just making a big ruckus.

And I immediately zero in, like one of the parents going to shut the kid up. Because the kid is, the kids that I'm talking about, it's not an infant baby that you cannot control. That's terrible. I feel sorry for the parents and all passengers. It's not good for anybody. The baby's not having fun.

Nobody's having fun. But when you get to probably three and above, you've got to grind those teeth. Squeeze that arm and say, you need to sit down and straighten up right now. Right, or I'm taking the iPad away, or you can't listen to the earphones. I thought this kid, I thought,

where is the parent that runs out, snatches that kid by the hand and says, you're coming over here right now. Immediately you just pick the kid up, wave to the car, sorry. And then move on and then start your dance rehearsal just out of the drive area. But to assume that everybody else is gonna find your child flailing around as adorable as you are is narcissistic and it is a lack of self-awareness by proxy. They don't understand that most people are irritated

by other people's children. Right, the vast majority. I'd say it's 95 plus. Yeah. Percent. Yeah. And then here's the deal. You can't be mad at the kid because the kid's only four.

You have to be mad at the parents because they should have enough sense to know better, but they don't. Yeah. So that just irritated the fuck out of me. Yeah, no, I'm irritated by that as well. I wasn't even there. No, it's irritation by proxy.

So let me tell you what I've had it with. And it's kind of a situation. It's a situation when you go to a restaurant and you order an entree and they bring the entree and it is like American sized, oversized 2000 calories on a plate. And you're kind of like, Oh God, so and then you have a super eager waiter that wants to please you, probably engages in a little extra chit chat and is really trying to connect with you. So you eat and you make a dent in the meal, but it looks like if you look at the plate that you've barely eaten anything because these American portion sizes are

astronomically huge. So then to not hurt the waiter's feelings, I start smishing the food with my fork to kind of clean an area where it looks like I've eaten. And then inevitably the waiter comes over. Is everything okay with your food? Oh yeah, it's great. It's just a lot. Are you sure? Did you not like the mashed potatoes or this part of that? No, it's good. It was just a lot of food. Like I don't want to eat that much. And then you have to go through the posturing of explaining after I've already tried to make it look like I've eaten more than what I actually done your part. I've done everything I can do.

Right. And then you have to just explain to the waiter and I used to wait tables. And I think you said everything OK with your food. Yeah, it was great. I just got full. Grab the food and go. But the constant, like wanting the exact specific reason for why you didn't eat as much as they felt like you should eat

really bothers me. And then there's a counterpart to this. And it's when you go to a clothing store and you try on an outfit, maybe it fits really great and you could wear it right off the rack, but you personally don't like it and you personally feel like you're never gonna wear it. Right.

But the sales scowls and boys are like, no, you have to have it. Like you're crazy if you don't buy this. Right. This looks so good on you and they just pile on and I mean, I'm like, I don't think I'm ever gonna wear it. I like it. I like the way it fits.

I'm gonna take it home, put it in my closet and never wear it. I'm just trying to buy clothes that I wear. And then you have to go through this explaining the reason why it's a no. I don't like explaining no's. No, I agree. I agree. That happened to me the other day

when I was trying on a pair of jeans. They were wanting me to get these like boot cut flare jeans. And I was like, I'll. I agree. That happened to me the other day when I was trying on a pair of jeans. They were wanting me to get these like boot cut flare jeans. And I was like, I'll never wear those. I just, I don't have any shoes to wear with them. I just want to ever wear them. And they kept bringing them. And finally I was just like, you can keep bringing them,

but I'm not gonna try them on. They're just gonna sit here. Like I'm just not gonna do it. And I felt like there was pressure. Like I was hurting their feelings. There's a lot of pressure. And listen, I used to wait tables when I was younger and I worked in a retail store when I was younger.

And I just think the message is when somebody says no, I'm full, I don't think I'll ever wear this, accept that answer and go find a different thing to hustle. You've got the dessert menu you can offer next. Absolutely. You have an after dinner espresso that you can offer. You could offer another item of clothing, but if you're getting the vibe

that the customer's just finito, pick up what they put down. I think it's a lot of not being able to pick up on social cues that, like I'm not crazy about it. I don't love it. I think the waiters are earnest and they're just, they want you to have a good meal. They have to hustle for the tip

because they hardly make any money. So you're really in charge of how much they make for that hour. It's up to your discretion. And then probably in the clothing stores, there could be a commission type situation. But I think what needs to happen is they need to, number one, people need to make more money in this country. The minimum wage is ridiculous, full stop. But

secondly, I think we need to integrate in no means no, like an everyday life, but it also means no when you're a consumer. Like we need to have that same type of, thank you so much. I really like this outfit you recommended. It's just not my personal taste. I'll never wear it. Right. Accept that and move on. Don't try to force your fashion style onto the person in the fitting room. And I understand that it can be fun or maybe you're bored at work, but it's got to stop. No means no at the table if you don't want to eat anymore. And no means no in the fitting room if you don't like the outfit that the gal picked out for you. Sometimes they'll bring something that's super cute, but it looks like something a 20-year-old would wear.

Right, yeah, I get that a lot. It's like, I would never wear that if I was way too young. Yeah, I'm just not gonna wear a crop top. No. I mean, I like it. It looks great on people. I would've rocked it even 10 years ago.

I might've thought about wearing it now. I'm kinda thinking, eh. Yeah, yeah. No, I think no has to even 10 years ago. I might've thought about wearing it. Now I'm kind of thinking, eh. Yeah, yeah. No, I think no has to be a complete sentence. It does. And I just think if somebody doesn't eat their full meal and they didn't voice a complaint, don't force the customers to have to slide all their food.

I literally will force the food around so I don't have to have that extra conversation with the waiter. So you don't have to explain why you're not eating everything. Right. Why, why, I don't have to explain that I don't want 2000 calories per meal. Per serving. Is everything okay with your meal? Yeah, it was great. I just don't like to eat 2000 calories in a sitting. It would be like table 42 is the biggest bitch in the restaurant.

Right. Well, I got in trouble the other day because you didn't like something and you didn't eat it. And the server came over and said, is everything okay? And I guess she didn't like it. And you and Kylie both were like, I wasn't going to tell her. So listener, we were traveling for a show and we had a lunch and it was a macaroni and cheese with like crab meat or something in it. And it just wasn't good. They missed the mark altogether. I had like two bites of it.

I didn't want to tell the waitress. I didn't like it. There was nothing I could do. I ordered it. It was a bad order on my part. It was more than happy to pay for it. And Pumps was like, do you like your mac and cheese? I was like, no, it's just really not very good. So the waitress comes over, is everything great? And I said, yeah, it's great. And she just, no, she actually didn't like her macaroni and cheese.

And I was just like, I want to crawl under the table right now. But she removed it from the bill. Yeah, and I didn't, I wasn't gunning for her to remove it from the bill, but I was just like, it wasn't good. See, I just don't like to remove it from the bill, but I was just like, it wasn't good. See, I just don't like to have those conversations. Yeah, no.

There's nothing- Karen enjoyed it. There's nothing she could do about it. She wasn't on her. She didn't make the macaroni and cheese. And I just thought, you know, it just doesn't matter. I didn't like it. So be it.

Bad order. Bad order on my part. Lesson learned. Don't order crab meat in macaroni and cheese. Sounded good. An actuality was probably a bad idea from inception all the way to the table, to the bite in my mouth. Call it.

Yeah. Yeah. I just didn't want to talk to her about it. Yeah. Of course. Pumps likes to talk to restaurant staff about grievances. All right. Welcome to, I've had it.

I'm Jennifer. I've no complaints whatsoever. Never, I'm Angie. We call her Pumps. Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women? If so, please go to I'veHadItpodcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking ex, formerly Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, etc.

And click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour. Right pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there. Hot shit to her, right, pumps? Tell them. It's so fun. We hope to see you there.

Ha ha ha ha. You know, pumps, there are two creatures in this world. They are consistent, kind, and my constant companions. Of course, I'm talking about Cha Cha and Tebi, my beloved French bulldogs. They live so much shorter than humans do that I want to make sure they have the most amazing life and access to the most amazing healthcare imaginable.

This is why I've signed my PetsUp for the ASPCA Pet Insurance. Their program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier for pet parents like myself to get my pet the care that they may need. Because if that builds, they can really add up, especially when you're least expecting it. Listener to explore coverage for your beloved pet, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com. That's ASPCAPetInsurance.com. Again, that's ASPCAPetInsurance.com.

This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Pumps, you know what the worst thing is about exercise? Starting it. That's exactly right. Sharding it is everything. That's the most important factor when it comes to fitness. I can't tell you how many times I've joined a gym, then quit, then rejoin, then quit again.

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thing. Wherever you're starting, get moving with a Peloton bike or bike plus rental at www.1peloton.com All right, I've got some five star reviews. We're gonna be positive today. Okay. So first, it's titled Nothing but Snatch. And he says, I'm from San Diego, and these borderline angelic women light up my gay life daily. There was some time ago where they referred to pumps as a snatch master. Diego and these borderline angelic women light up my gay life daily. There was some time ago where they referred to pumps as a snatch master. I'm here to report that they all fall into the snatch category because the entire podcast is giving nothing but C U N T period.

I love that. That's the best review ever. I love that. And you know what? The gay delivery, I could feel his I totally homosexuality through the comment and there's nothing I love more than a gay man. Right and it's just cool factor you could read the cool factor you could hear the cool factor in the words for sure. I've got another one that I assume is also from a gay man five stars.

Girl Pleas is a compelling docu dramadrama podcast that follows a youthful social media hotshot as she frees her lesbian aunts from the obviously advancing grips of father time. It's a charming mix of Muppets take Manhattan and weakened at Bernie's. If I could give it 5.1 stars, I probably would. You know what I like? You know what I like about these comments from the gays? What? They're genuine because the gays don't throw out

superficial flattery. No. They only comment you if they're serious about it. Otherwise you just get like an eyebrow. Like I had this gay friend of mine growing up in my early twenties, his name is Daly, still my friend. And Dale, if I'd put on an outfit, but it was pretty cute, he'd look at me and go, oh honey, almost.

So you know when you get a compliment from a gay man, it is legit. There is no superficial flattery. There's nothing I hate worse than superficial flattery. That is funny. We can get Bernie's. Okay, there's something we've talked about that I saw on the internet. Okay.

It's this new, old, new phenomenon on TikTok. And it's the stay at home daughters. Have you heard of this? What is that? You know, stay at home mom. Right. Stay at home dad. Stay at home daughters. Question. How old is the daughter?

Most of them are 20s. What? So I've seen there's two sides to it. The first side is the super rich. So the stay at home daughter spends her parents money as her full-time job and she posts that. So like she says, my full-time job

is to spend my parents money. Yeah. And I consider that a career. Correct. Okay. The other side is the more daunting side, and it's the fundamentalist Christian side of it. I already hate it.

Yeah, and there's a lot of this. So pretty much adherents believe that daughters should never leave the covering of their fathers until and unless they are married. There's no point in these girls getting an education or training in a job because the job is to be a homemaker. So until they're married, they home make at home as a stay at home daughter until they finally get somebody's hand in marriage.

That's so fucked up. So these girls are posting, they're like, a day in the life of me as a stay at home daughter and she's cooking, she's cleaning, she's doing all this stuff for her mom and dad. Want to point out that your stay-at-home daughter slash influencer. Exactly. You know what I mean. There's a contradiction there. And a stay-at-home daughter, okay first of all any time you hear a stay-at-home situation that's a class issue. Right. A lot of people can't afford to stay at home anything. However, a lot of our country's inability to provide a social safety net for mothers,

since allegedly we care so much about children and raising children, they're forced to stay at home because the minimum wage is so low that they can't justify daycare because the daycare cost exceeds what the income is. So this is 100% patriarchal sexism at play, the same as the tradwife. And a stay at home daughter to glamorize that, till you wait for your husband to come marry you. It's really gross.

And the whole religious fundamentalist Christian idea of the dad's relationship with the daughter creeps me out. No, daddy daughter dances creep me out. Purity rings creep me out. I think it's a very strange, strange deal. Well, when she was reading that, I was thinking, so this is going to be, she has to live at home thinking, so this is going to be, she has to live at home and be under daddy's control until she can have a man take control of her because she's not capable of making decisions.

I mean, that's what popped into my head. And as a mother of a daughter, I just can't imagine anything worse. I can't imagine any less preparation for life and the ups and downs of life than thinking that my daughter had to stay home and care for a man. I mean, that just completely repels me. I think it's appalling. It is.

And I just think that rich girl that's spending daddy's money, I just think she's probably the biggest, most entitled asshole that ever had the planet. I mean, don't you know? Today, I'm gonna spend mommy and daddy's money on whatever. Here's the thing. That one is disgusting as it is.

It's obnoxious. It's obnoxious. She's owning it. She's owning it. Okay. The other one is so insidious that she thinks her role Other one is so insidious that she thinks her role is to be a daughter until she's a wife, but she's also slash an Instagram influencer slash TikTok influencer grifting on the internet.

But the whole, the glamorizing of the trad wife stuff and the stay at home daughter stuff disgusts me. It's disgusting. And people will say, no, that's what they want to do. That's their choice, you know, to, and it's like, okay, let's talk about it. These people were deeply indoctrinated. They had no choices to what their religion was. They were, you know, what your religion is,

is based on two factors, geography, where you're born, and the time in which you were born. For example, if you were to worship Greek mythology, you would have been born 2,500 years ago in Athens. Geography and timestamp. So the United States of America, particularly a southern state like ours, people think their religion is so unique, and they chose it. And it's like, bitch, you were just born in the Bible Belt during, you know, Pete Christianity. I mean, it's not, it's not like this huge thing that this person sought out and found

enlightenment for. It's pure indoctrination. And the whole idea of some of the Abrahamic religions and the subjugation of women, it just disgusts me. It's disgusting. And of course she thinks that's what she needs to do. That's what she's been taught her whole life. She's never been given a choice. Never been given an opportunity for education. She's never been taught critical thinking skills.

She thinks her daddy has to think for until her husband does, so she's perfectly content. I mean, I feel sorry for her. Yeah, I don't, you know, my feelings about religion and how much I think it halts women in society. Furthermore, if men have done such a bang up job in this country and if religion was doing such a bang-up job in this country, the southern states would be the most superior states in all categories, but much to the contrary, they're all dead last. It's exactly right. Which leads me to two conclusions. Number one, Jesus doesn't like the southern states or number two, the concept doesn't work entirely.

All right, speaking of women and how fun it is to be a liberated woman and be beholden to no one, to not be a stay-at-home daughter, to have your own career, to have your own life, to have your own autonomy, to have your own life, to have your own autonomy. Nobody does this better than our next guest who totally has the word of the day snatched, right? Snatched life.

Absolutely, killing it. HBIC. Killing it. And what I particularly like about this guest is age seems to be irrelevant. No, to her likeability, to her success, to her ambition, which I absolutely love how much she's been embraced the last probably couple of decades now. No, she is, she, age looks great on her and she makes it better every single year. It's unbelievable.

All right, let's welcome the icon, the mother, Countess Luanne Dilliceps. Let's welcome to, I've had it, the one, the only, the iconic Countess Luanne. Countess, how are you today? I am so good. Thank you. How are you today? I am so good, thank you. How are you? We're fantastic. We were so excited to have you on.

And before you came on, we were talking about how amazing it is to see women that are crushing it for decades. That are just going out, defying everything, and we absolutely love that. It gives us and all women a lot to hope for, about defying everything and we absolutely love that. It gives us and all women a lot to hope for, to just keep working, to keep being fabulous.

I love it. Oh, thank you. Thank you. You know, I tell you, 50s is the best decade of my life. I must say, I feel like I'm in the driver's seat. I'm happy. I'm single and I'm loving it for the moment.

Don't you think as you age and you get to know yourself more, you love life more? I do because I agree with that because you know, at a certain point, what you do like and what you're not gonna put up with anymore. Do you know what I mean? Especially when it comes to finding love you know it's like you know I recent experience with a guy

that you know he said he separated but he's really married and you know and so yeah it's people can disappoint you all the time but that disappointment is not going to take over how I feel about myself. And that's what it is you know what you think of yourself really matters because it's what other people are going to think of you. Right, it's a great point let's talk about dating when they're

when they're available and they are not married and not lying liars let's talk about if you're in a date with a man and he were to get his phone out. Do a text in the middle of dinner or cocktail. Well, listen, I mean, it just depends on the situation. If it's a child trying to get ahold of daddy, that's one thing.

If it's for no other reason than to be on his phone while he's in your company, that's no. Yeah, I agree. That's a no. I think you can't get on your phone if you're on a date, I agree. That's a no. I think you can't get on your phone if you're on a date. I think it's a red flag. No, I think you can check your phone. Like if you have a child or et cetera,

or you have something important that needs to be addressed. I mean, I'm not such a stickler to say you can't look at your phone at all. But there's a difference between looking at your phone and actually being on it or calling someone while you're in the middle of the date. It's just disrespectful. What about texting on a date? If you make a lady wait, she'll take a pass.

She say, Levis, say, bon, bon. This is all part of my lyrics for my music because, you know, part of the music is I'm fed up with bad manners. What about the men that are like trying to flex about how busy they are when they're in public on a date or a group of friends for dinner? And it's like, oh, hang on, I got a big deal coming through. And they announce it to the table.

They don't just quietly kind of text under the table, but they use it as a way to chest beat. Like look at what an alpha male I am. Look at all the bacon I'm making, baby. And it amounts to everybody in their chest beating about what badass businessmen they are on the phone. I've had it with that. Yeah, I've had it with that too.

You know, it says a lot about the person. It screams narcissist to me. Yes. It also screams, I'm not as important the person. It screams narcissist to me. Yes. It also screams, I'm not as important as I want you to think I am. If I have to tell you how great of a businessman I am, probably not as great as I think I am, if I were guessing. Exactly, exactly.

If you have to gloat about it, like, I'm having so much sex, well, they're not having sex. That's true. 100%, whatever anybody is overtly bragging about, you immediately know they're not good at it. That's right. Yes. Okay, so have you ever had like a situation in a date

where, because you are so Googleable, where somebody's totally Googled all of this stuff about you and as you're talking, they reveal inadvertently that they know all of this stuff about you. And as you're talking, they, they reveal inadvertently that they know all of this stuff about you. Oh yeah. So that happened to me. I had like the worst date with a billionaire you can ever imagine. And we won't mention any names, but you know, he knew that I was at this party and it was a bet,

bet middlers Halloween party that she does in New York. And anyway, it was like he pretended not to Google me, but he definitely did. And again, it goes back to just be honest, you know, if you Googled me, that's okay, but don't lie about it. No, I agree. Right. It's kind of creepy if you lie about it.

Yeah, it's creepy. I mean, I, you know, I'm fed up with Google too. I feel like I said, I feel like that I really want to get to know somebody before I, you know, know everything about their life because you can find out everything about everybody. And so, you know, and the same goes for me, it's like they think they know me from the Google search, but they don't know the human of Luanne. And so, you know, I think Google is can be dangerous in terms of, you know, dating and getting to know somebody because you've already got your notions before you even get there. Have you been on any like dating apps or dating sites ever?

Oh, yeah. Well, during COVID, I was like, that's how I found Garth. I mean during COVID I was definitely on there and you know and I actually have a date tonight with a guy from Raya, which is a celebrity dating app. Good luck finding any celebrities on there, but anyway. So yeah, I do. So I do go on the apps and I like to meet people in person. So, you know, listen, it's like being bisexual. I'm double my chances.

Okay, I wanna get to your Raya profile. Does it say Luanne Dila-Seps or Countess Luanne? No, it's Luanne Dila-ps or Countess Luanne? No, it's Luanne Dilliceps and- Read us your bio. And there's my age and there's every, I didn't do bio, because then again, I just put my interests, which were like the craziest things,

like kind of cookie funny, like marshmallows, blueberries. Okay, what age did you zero in as your potential dating pool? What age demographic did you zero in on? Well, I'm going to tell you ladies, you know, men in their 40s are all up into my business. Okay. Guys in their 50s are like, Oh, shit, I'm 50. I need a 20 year old. And the 60 year olds have a little problem in, you know, the business department, you know what I mean? a little problem in the business department. You know what I mean? So I feel like 40s is really my sweet spot. OK.

I like that. So the guy that you have the date with, Sen, what do you know how old he is? Well, actually, I made an exception to the rule because he's very handsome and he's 62. OK. OK. We can help for Viagra for him if it gets that far.

Well, he looks good on the app. So let's see what he looks like in person. Okay, that was my question. What are the odds? Because I'm always thinking like, number one, I have the worst picker on the planet. I will always get the serial killer hands down. But then my next question is, how often do they put like a super great picture on the profile and you meet them in person and you're like who the fuck is this this looks nothing like them. You know what it hasn't been my experience really that has no hasn't happened to me yet. I mean, Garth when I saw Garth I was like, oh my God he's like a superhuman so attractive much more attractive than on the app. And then I've only had a couple of dates

to tell you the truth. I haven't been that active because I've been busy, but it hasn't been my experience. I've usually had, but guys tell me all the time that women do that all the time. They put these really hot pictures up and then they get there and it's like, oh my God. So I know that because when I get there,

they're like, wow, you really look like you do in the app. I don't like to fool people. It is what it is. Take it or leave it. Okay, what are your make out rules on the first date? Do you have any, or do you just let your hormones take you? I let my gut and my hormones take me, I really do. I feel like at this point in my 50s I know what I want.

And you know a 60 year old man certainly knows what he wants. And I just think sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I mean I slept with my first husband literally days after we met and we got married two weeks later. So, you know, we were married for 17 years. So I don't think there's any rule. I think the rule of thumb is to go with your instinct and your gut and that's it. Okay, so the 62 year old, like I'm with you on that. I think you go with your gut, you get to be the boss of you.

So if you go out with him tonight and you're deeply attracted to him and pheromones are popping off and you're like, I him and pheromones are popping off and you're like I'm gonna jump his bones tonight. Do you go to his place or do you bring him to your place? Huh, I go to his place for sure That it says everything about who he is. I agree. That's a great way into their space Yes to see if it's clean if it's not clean. Yes, what kind of shoes are polished, you know, shoes are an

important thing. If a man has time for shoes, he has time for everything else in his life. That's a golden rule for me. And, you know, I love European men because they're always well dressed and they always take care of their things. Um, you know, so let's see how this American does. I I'm not gonna count my chickens before the hatch, but I would say, yeah, I mean, if you feel comfortable with somebody and it's a doorman building especially,

I would be okay with that. What are the full stop knows? Like, okay, this guy that you're going out with the 62 year old, what are the top three things that would be absolute no turnoffs on the date that you would not go back for a second date? Well, I think for me, a man's teeth in his mouth or everything, you know what I mean? I can't deal with like a mouth that's like not taken care of. Yeah.

Um, I can't deal with bad shoes. Um, and I can't deal with bad, um, manners. I think those are really good. I think those are all solid. Halitosis, hit the bricks, right? Great. The bricks with your halitosis. I totally agree with you on the shoes.

They tell a lot. The shoes are a huge identifier by, it can even be a nuance into their personality if it's some sort of like street sneaker that's kind of a cool, you know, sometimes guys can wear like street attire, but it's very hip kind of Euro with a really cool sneaker. And you'd be like, this guy's at the top of his game. I'm with you on the shoes. Right. No. And you know what the billionaire I spoke about, one of the things that he had was the man had shoes on it look like he had them by the door to go and walk his dog in the

morning when nobody's looking. Now he had a suit jacket on whatever, but the shoes were a dead giveaway, you know? And then he was a narcissist on top of it and a gas lighter. So, you know, no can do. The shoes were the tell. I had a date one time with a guy and we go out for drinks or whatever. This was when I was young.

And I found out halfway through the date he lived with his mother. And I immediately had to act like I had something to do, like came up. I was just like we're not going to be in our 20s and living with mommy that's just no that's a full stop no do you mainly date because you said tonight it's going to be a an American man do you mainly date European men you know I it just so happens that I've been meeting some European men out here. I met a guy from Germany recently out in the Hamptons. Um, and actually I'm going for drinks with the Raya date, and then I'm going to meet a Frenchman for dinner.

Double booked. I love it. I'm with you. Like the European men, they're the effort that they put into putting their outfits together. And I'm not saying that it's a full blown, they're overdressed. There's just a little bit more time and care and fashion put into it that I really, really appreciate. Yes.

And they're also sexier. They're not, you know, they're not, they're much more sexual animals, do you know what I mean? They're, which I prefer, you know. I like guys who, you know, enjoy women who, you know, extend their hand, you know, to maybe touch your, yours. You know, guys who are not afraid of their sexuality or who are not afraid to show how much they really like you

as a woman. I think it's that there's just less Puritan culture in Europe. And so that is, it makes the sex as not as taboo and women seem to be more freely and uninhibitedly adored and seen men don't have a problem being effusive and saying you look lovely, you look so sexy. Where exactly the period and culture just kind of like really stunts all the mating

rituals that we have awkward and weird. It's 100%. 100%. You know, look, I was married to a Frenchman. Tom was a wild card, but checked all the boxes in terms of a well-healed American. He was just not so good at fidelity. And then I was with Jacques Freer, who was French. So yeah, there's this level of sophistication that is kind of lacking. Pumps, I don't know if you know this, but socks, teas and

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Listener, sign up for a $1 per stage you're in that shopify.com slash had it. Okay, I have to ask this question because I'm just curious. Do you prefer a circumcised or uncircumcised penis? Circumcised. All right. I was just curious because it sounds like you've probably had your sampling of both. And I've been with my husband, American for 22 years, only one European in my youthful

days. Pumps did have a trist with a Frenchman when she was back packing across Europe. But I don't know if she asked me if he was circumcised or not. And I'm like, I really don't know. And we can't remember. I can't remember. It never occurred to me. She's recruiting for two days straight.

I did. And I never knew. Oh, wow. Really? Well, I guess you didn't spend much time down in that department. Wasn't great at the oral sex, it sounds like. Sounds like an exquisite. Exactly.

Yeah. Exactly. But you prefer circumcised. So an ideal man would be a sexy European man, well-dressed, great man. And maybe even Jewish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And David Jack is, Jack is Jewish, right? So he's Sephardic and Ashkenash. And my friends are like, only you could find a Jewish European man living in New York City. Oh, well, and Jack was the best, best lover of them all. Really?

Really, that's a nice compliment. I love that. All right, so we're gonna play a game with you called had it or hit it, okay? And if you don't like something, you'll had it and if you like it you'll hit it Okay had it or hit it open relationships. Well, that's a tricky one open relationships. Well, that's a tricky one. Open relationships.

I've had it with that. Yeah, I don't think I could do it. I'm not that evolved. Yeah, I mean, it's tricky. I think for a certain amount of time, you can have an open relationship until you know that this could hurt you. Yeah.

I think the point to get to is like, because maybe he's had a relationship, but then he fancies you and he actually really likes you better, but it might take him time to realize that. So why put that kind of pressure on somebody? When you run away from a man, he runs after you, right? So I think to a certain extent, but ideally, I would like a relationship in which it's not open.

Yeah, same. I think it would just screw with my serenity too much. Yeah. I just, my default setting is not to get jealous. I'm not a jealous person, but I think if I was in an open relationship, I would find myself feeling those emotions that are not my default setting,

and that would really affect my serenity. And I don't like my serenity be fucked with. Yeah. Talked with. Right. Voluntarily. Okay. Had it or hit it Ramona Singer. Oh, hit it. I love Ramona. Thank you too. Ramona, I mean, look at Ramona. I mean, she's in her 60s. She's living her best life. You know, she's given her blood, sweat and tears to the show. She's got a nice man in her 60s. She's living her best life. She's given her blood, sweat, and tears to the show.

She's got a nice man in her life. She lives exactly where she wants to live. She's living the life. I love it. I love it. Okay. Had it or hid it, skinny girl cocktails. Had it.

Had it. I mean, those are so, you know, 2000, right? God, I love you, Luanne. Okay. I'm honest. What can I tell you? I love it. All right.

Now we're going to play, since the name of your show is Mary F. Kill, we're going to play two rounds of Mary F. Kill. We're going to have a boy round and a girl round. Here's your boy. My favorite new game. Okay. Fuck Mary kill. I'm going to play two rounds of Mary F. Kill. We're gonna have a boy round and a girl round. Here's your boy round.

My favorite new game. Okay, fuck Mary kill Hugh Grant, Andy Cohen, Bradley Cooper. Geez, well, you know, I'm going to Mary Hugh Grant. Love him. I'm gonna have marry Hugh Grant. Love him. I'm going to have to kill Andy. He doesn't want to be with me, and I'm going to definitely have Bradley Cooper. That's a good choice.

That's a great choice. That's a great one. Okay, here's the next one, the female version. This one's hard. Anna Wintour, Taylor Swift, Kamala Harris. Wow. I know we really screwed you on this, Lou Ann, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm telling you.

I know. So Kamala Harris, Anna Wintour, and... Taylor Swift. Well, I'm going to marry Taylor because she's hot and she's young and she's rich. Anna Wintour is just too much. I'm gonna have to kill her. So I guess I'm gonna have to ask Camilla Harris. I'm not gonna ask Anna Wintour.

Love it. Oh my gosh, Luanne, those are so good. You just, I love the way you just attacked those and answered them so well. I absolutely love it. This has been a treat. You are an icon. You are so fabulous.

We were so excited to have you on. I mean, everybody, even if you don't watch The Housewives or have never watched it, people know who the Countess is. That's right. All right, tell our listener about your cabaret show. Oh, I will. Well, you know, I say it's cabaret meets comedy,

meets pop culture. So I sing my favorite songs, not only the ones I've written and recorded like Money and Sheik, but I do a lot of covers which are my all time favorites. I tell you stories on how I got to that song and it generally involves a housewife or two or an experience in my life on dating because it is Mary F. kill about who we marry who we have and who we.

He'll be right killing anybody we're just the ones we get rid of. And so it's really a pop culture ride it is so much fun it is a full on party. It is so much fun. It is a full-on party. I see people come into Toyota and they drive out in the Rolls Royce because I put on a great show. I have a new director, Richard J. Alexander, who directs Kristen Chenoweth, Barbara Streisand,

to name a few. And so I'm working with the best people in the business and I have a new song, Mary F. Keldt that I'm premiering in my show, written by Bruce Roberts, who is a new song. Mary F. Keldt and premiering in my show written by Bruce Roberts who is a major producer in Los Angeles. And who now lives in the Hamptons. I'm so lucky I get to be around all these you know it amazingly talented people and I get to do what I do best which is you

know cabaret it's really a love affair of mine I love doing what I do and a girlfriend of mine said to me the other day, she said, you know what, I don't have any passions. I wish I had a passion like you love doing cabaret. And I think it's so important to have a passion and do what you love. And that's what brings the smile to your face. And hopefully I'll bring a lot of smiles to people's faces

as I go along on my tour. And I'm sure you'll let people know where they can get tickets and yeah, I'm excited. Yes, we will link Luan's website to buy tickets in our show notes and obviously you can find her, is it Countess Luan? Countessluan.com for tickets and all my dates. I'm going to England for the first time on tour this year in June, so I'm thrilled. Oh, that's exciting.

And you know what you're going to find in England? A lot of European men. That's right. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Well, you know, I have to get over the jet lag, so I'm going to go to France to visit a friend first. There you go.

So do you. And then I'll mosey on over to London. Do you, does your Raya like relocate to where, which city you're in? Oh, that's not the exact. Léa Ann, it's going to be High Times in France and the UK for Countess Léa Ann. I know. We might have to have you back on for a little follow up. Right, yeah, follow up.

I would love it. Gossip session about, yeah, who you tagged and if they were cut or not because that's a really fun subject for the three of us. All right, well, Countess Less Luan, thank you so much for joining us, you are gorgeous, you are fun, you are fabulous. Great to have you. Thank you, thank you ladies.

I'll see you on my show soon. Yes, we need it, we want it. Yes, okay, bye. Check out the dates, yes, bye. Bye. Can I just say I fucking love her? Countess Luan. She's amazing.

First of all, she's so fucking gorgeous. Yeah, she's really pretty. I mean, it's unbelievable. Yeah, no, she's aged so well. She looks hot. And I like the whole her dating app. She's dipping outside of her comfort zone with a 62-year-old. I just kind of want to know.

I wish we had her number, because I kind of be like, OK, did you fucking, what happened? Was it cut or un-cut? I kind of want to live vicariously through her sex life and dating life. I absolutely want to live vicariously through her. Yeah.

I needed to ask her how you flirt. That's what I should have asked her, but she's good at it. Yeah, I'm sure she's phenomenal. Yeah, she's very sexy. She's a very sexy guy. Totally, and she's like your height, super thin. I mean, she's gorgeous. Yeah, she's very sexy. She's a very sexy body. Totally, and she's like your height, super thin. I mean, she's gorgeous.

Yeah, she's really, really. She's so fun. All right, listener, thank you so much for joining us today. Please give us a five-star review. Please check us out on our Hot Shit Tour. Join us on Patreon for a post show and pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. you you