I've Had It - Unhappy Occasions and Happy-Endings

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps are joined by comedienne Kristin Key. The three discuss everything that is wrong with baby showers, baby sprinkles and the wretched Mammogram. The girls relive the time Pumps got Jennifer pregnant using Josh as a sperm donor and the not-so-happy-ending massage experience in Mexico. Kristin closes the show out performing an original song about one very NASTY grandma... Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Kristin Key: @thekristinkey Check Out: Kristin Knows Blank  

So we're supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. That was so good right off the bat. That was a really good one. Pops, look at your cute little smile. I know, I'm so happy. You're so proud of yourself. Yeah.

It's a low bar. It is a very low bar. Well, pops, you know, I know you're happy and everything, but tell me what you've had it with this week. What I've had it with is face timing, and not just, I mean, I have a million bitches about face time. I can do that, but in specific to today, my hate of face time and what I've had it with

is that when somebody FaceTime's me and I answer it, the person looking back at me, which is me, looks 110 years old. Yeah. I mean, it's like, can't we put a filter on that? Yeah. It is so bad. And I don't consider myself particularly vain person,

although, did you know about the badges at the courthouses? So attorneys, you have to go through metal detector and attorneys just they can get a badge. It's like $25 to go get your picture made, whatever you badge in. Because my pictures look like an old woman, and in my mind, I'm young and cute. I stand in line with the criminals. So I am a little bit more vain than I think I am. I think everybody's vain. But I'm just telling you, when I face time, it is horrific.

No, I know exactly what you mean, because in my mind, like you. Right. I'm around 30. Right. I have a little bit of age wrinkles, but they're sexy kind. Absolutely. You know, everything's high and tight. Right.

And I don't feel that mature as evidenced by the production of this podcast. Right. We're profoundly immature. And then I see in the face time, I'm like, who is that woman? Who is she? Who is Taylor to get Botox and filler and all kinds of things? No, it's rough.

Aging is rough. It's really, really hard. I mean, it's bad enough that like, you can't do what you used to do, but just the looks department, right? Like every time I watch one of these podcasts, I'm like, I don't have a double chin in person, but I'm carrying around 15 double chins every time I look at a video. I'm just noticing today in your Barney the dinosaur purple sweater. Your boobs really are ginormous. I know. I hate them. I mean, they are awful

Ganty. It's horrible. What is size bra, is that? I think it's a 40D. Okay. I mean, it's a big one. I probably can go double D, but I look. But anyways, so back to the FaceTiming.

If somebody would stand on the top of the building for me and hold the phone, I look better if I'm looking up because like gravity pulls it all back. But the gravity, like you gotta, if I'm ever gonna be on FaceTime, I need somebody on a ladder holding it. Yes.

Like what are the people with stilts on at the circus? Stilt people? The stilt people. I need a person that is on stilts, can't be. Right. But nobody FaceTime's maybe because they know I have a blanket, no facetime. Well, I used to facetime you and you would get, you wouldn't answer. I wouldn't answer.

And then you would get so mad at me because I wanted to see your face or show you something and you were such an inseparable bitch when I facetime you. Yeah, no, I'm an inseparable bitch when it's facetime. Now, if I, like, if you want to show me something for a minute, I can do that. But it drives me crazy when people face time each other. Like, if you and I were to face time each other, like, we see each other every day, we know what each other look like. Why on earth would we face time all the time? I'll tell you the face timing, like, so my son goes to school in New York.

It's great to face time. 100% that's a great one. That's a great one. My nephew just had a baby and he lives in Georgia. I've seen what the baby looks like. I've seen the baby smile, queuing. And so there are benefits to face time. Totally.

Yeah. Out of state, people that live apart, right? Unless you're shriveled up like a fucking raisin, which I guess I am. Then you don't want to FaceTime. And I clearly am a raisin because it is just, it's more than I can take. Let me segue to what I've had it with

because bizarrely these are very in sync. Okay. So, you live your life, okay, and you see NFL football players and you think they're men, right? And you go to the doctor and it's an adult. And then you see basketball players, NBA players and they're men. And you see these models and they look like grown women.

And then something happens through time that all of a sudden, these NFL football players look like children and the NBA players look like children. And the doctor walks into the room and they're younger than you are. No, it's terrible. And I'm starting to experience this. Right. Like even if somebody's 10 years younger as an athlete, it's still kind of the same generation,

but when you get to 20, 25 years younger, it's jarring. It is jarring because you're like, oh my God, he's 22. Right. Or like some of the NBA players are like 19, are kids age. Yes, no, it's terrible.

No, it's terrible. And what's weird about it is, I remember watching football and thinking how cool it was, you know, that they were older and they were playing football, yada yada yada. And then when I had my first child, I thought, oh my gosh, we're about the same age. Like I'm the same age with the people that I'm watching on TV. Right.

And now I'm old enough to be their grandmother. What? Did you just say that to be published on? I mean, it's the truth. I really, I forget how much older you are than I am. I fuck you, that is not even true. We could be grandmothers. I, I, you speak for yourself.

No, but if we, like, if we have 20 year olds, I have a 20 year old. It's possible. It's mathematically possible. We don't need to be broadcasting that energy. I'm just saying that. We don't be broadcasting. I don't know. It's not broadcast. That we're grandmothers. We're not grandmothers. I mean, we could be. Right. Zip it. For God's sake, are you going to have your grandchildren call you Ms. Welch?

I don't know, but they're not. I mean, I'm gonna embrace it, but you don't just need to be over here blabbing all this blasphemy about our age. I mean, I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you, but I remember when I was younger, my mother would be so offended if we referred to her as old and I never quite understood it until you started with all this nonsense about us being old enough.

You need to zip it. Welcome everybody to I've had it podcast. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. We call her Pups. Today we are going to talk about baby showers. Got it. Sip and Sees.

Okay. Okay. Have you had it with those? I've had it with all of those. Yes. Yes. I have had it with those as well. And we have a guest today. Her name is Kristen Key. She is a comedian, a musician, a crocheter, a very proud lesbian, hilarious. I did a massive, massive deep dive into her Instagram account. And I think she has just the type of smart cynicism that we're after. So without further ado, let's welcome to I've had a podcast, Kristen Key.

Hi, Kristen. Hi, we're doing it. We're here together, the three of us, as we were intended to be. I love your background. Are those framed pictures of cats behind you? They are. Yes. Okay, so I was just introducing you and I said she is a comedian, a musician,

a crocheter, a proud lesbian. And it looks like a cat lover. Cat? I love cats. You do. You know, some people I have a cat and. A cat? I love cats. You do. You know, some people, I have a cat, and I've had it with my cat. My cat's got diabetes.

She's overweight. She's lazy as fuck. And I think she could potentially be a Trump supporter. I think you just got to put that cat down. I can't. I take care of her. I give her her insulin, but I don't think we're compatible. I've had her since 2009, but we've just drifted. I know we drifted.

Well, I'm just going to get to the doctor. I'm Martin from the office. I gotta give her her insulin. All right. Yeah. That's true. So we want to talk about what you've had it with today. Oh my God. Where do we begin? First, first, right off the bat, it's baby showers. I've had it with baby showers. I've had it. Yep. I got out of baby showers

for several years because when I got sober, I said, that is one thing I will never do again. And I used that as my card. I can't go to a baby. I don't know why that was my heel to dad. It's like, it'll make me drink. It's so miserable. I mean, you get like one card when you get sober. It's like, oh, I can play it not very often, but I played it at baby showers. I was like, I'm not going to baby shower. It's a trigger for me.

Right, I just hate him so much. That's genius though, actually. Thank you. I mean, it's worth getting sober just to skip a lot. No, shit. My husband's in recovery too, so we're able to get out of a lot of shit because it's a wonderful car.

It's absolutely awesome. What is your least favorite part of a baby shower? You don't get to hold a baby. See, I don't like babies to begin with, so I don't wanna hold a baby, but you like babies. If, yeah, I wish it was more like, like it's a baby shower. Everybody gets a baby when you show up

and you get to have the baby the whole time and you leave the party like, oh, thank you. But I think it's just like you just have to go around be a bunch of women and then a fun way. Right. Well, so we did a little research about baby showers before you came on. And there was a reddit thread.

Here are some of the worst gifts that mothers, expecting mothers have received at a baby shower. One woman received a cross for her Jewish child from her mother-in-law at her baby shower. Oh my gosh. I hate the mother-in-law. Total CUNT-N-T. That total. Yeah, that was on purpose.

I want you to see the balls, but the ovaries on that woman. To me. I was saying, if it was like from someone who, you know, if it's the Midwest, you don't know someone's Jewish, the Midwest, across for everything, you have a cross, you have a cross, and look under your chair. Right. If it's someone that full on nose,

that your Jewish like this will fix you, cost for you, it's like, that's a bitch. That's a bitch. That's a total bitch, right there. Total bitch. Okay. Another woman received a card from her sister-in-law saying, I know you're not ready to be a mom, and I hope you don't mess up your child,

but here are the what to expect when you're expecting books. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That's unbelievable. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. I don't even know where to begin with this woman. Right? Okay, editing.

This was a card edit. This should have been a, you write it and you show it to your spouse. They're like, oh, maybe just like congrats. We're not going to be to congratulations. Maybe you can go to the shower. Right, if you're such a bitch, don't go to the shower. Okay, then some people are getting these onesies.

So you know these, you know, they're adults wear shirts with words, and then they project the shirts with words onto children, and they come in the form of onesies. So here's one that says, I'm not milk drunk, I'm tit-faced. What every baby needs. This is another one.

Made in Vachina. That? It doesn't have a choice. The kid has no choice. Right? Put in this. It is quite, this is, it is now the spokesperson for tit-faced.

What? Tit-faced. TitFACE. TITFACE. Here's what I think about baby showers. I think they're kind of inseparable because you have the circle jerk of women that are going around, holding up these horrific onesies, right? Right. I mean, baby showers are a big grift.

We all know it. It's to get people. And listen, I have had baby showers hosted for me. I have two children. She's had baby showers hosted for her. So we're a huge part of the problem. Right? No doubt. As you know, as you should. Yes, but we just hate them. And they're just their miserable. Yes. And there yes. Okay. So let's bring up. Have you ever heard Kristen of a baby sprinkle? Yes. Isn't this the wait? This is the second kid? Yes. Isn't this the, wait, this is the second kid? Yes. Second or third or fourth. Nailed it.

And you still want a party and gifts? Yes. So instead of a shower, a rain shower, it's a little sprinkle. So I had never heard of this until about six months ago, a girl that I adore, sends me a text, a screenshot of an invitation. And it says, please come to the baby's sprinkle. And I was like, well, what the hell's a sprinkle? So I Google it and it's a millennial thing

where, you know, because they celebrate everything. Everything is produced and celebrated. And so it's a baby's sprinkle that they're having now for the second kid or the third or the fourth. So not only have you had to go to the gender reveal. Right. Watch all the shit on Instagram. The nonstop, this is the first person that has ever bred

and is producing a child on the planet. Then you go to the baby shower. Then you go to the sippincy. Then you go to the fucking diaper drive. And then they're just knocking out another one again. And then you've got a baby sprinkle. A baby spray. It's never ending.

I think, first they need to change the name to oops, we did it again. More people would come. And maybe make it Britney themed. But it's too much. It's too much for one baby, you know. I mean, I guess the sprinkler's okay because I was a second child

and I feel like we did not get near as much attention. So who knows what this is gonna do to like middle children and third children down the road that actually, oh, we, we, someone knew we were there. There are pictures of us. It's great. But other than that, from the friend point of view,

the person, I will send a bigger gift if I don't have to go. 100% that's a great, I love that. I am 100% with you on that. I'm like immediately scanned the invitation for the registry. I'm like, I will spend an additional $100 on this. If I don't have to. To not have to go because I will go to the ends of the earth to avoid unnecessary interactions.

And is this fun for the mom? Like the pre, there's a pre, because I always look at the pregnant lady in a room full of drunks. Little Oliver friend is like, champagne, shit face, like I want to touch your belly. And she's really uncomfortable and sweating. Really, really pregnant. So who is this, who is this fun for? So I think the grandmother's number one. Well, no, when I was pregnant with my first child, my best gay guy ran through a couple shower for me,

okay, and it was fabulous. So it's men and women that can come. And so about the first 30, 45 minutes, and you don't feel nor look your best. I'm incredibly shallow in vain about my appearance. So I did not like being eight months pregnant and I realized that's really bad, but I just am. And so we go to the party

and about the first 30, 45 minutes, everybody's great greeting everybody's nice. Well then I certainly notice everybody's pupils are gigantic. And like 12 of the guests are totally tripping Molly at the baby shower. They all get drunk. I end up leaving around nine.

I think they all raged until three to four in the morning. So to answer your question, is it fun to be the pregnant woman at the baby shower? The answer is a resounding no. It's not fun at all. I remember at my baby shower, I mean, and there were several, I'm going to go ahead and minute. I would hate, like I'd open up a gift and I would be so appreciative of the gift, but that

I would immediately get resentful because of the thank you notes. Yeah. I hate writing thank you notes. Yeah. And I would almost rather not have the gift so that I don't have to write the thinking out like please keep your gifts. I don't want to write you a thinking out Yeah, how I feel about it. Yeah, what we what happens if you don't write the thing you know I'm curious nothing nothing but your mom thinks you're an asshole and they're friendly The grand mom that crew talks to each other

But your mom already thinks you're an asshole. Right. For sure. But I'm just saying like, then you would get other people's moms. Well, I don't, I mean, at the time I cared, now I would just send out a group text. Thanks so much and call it. But back in the day, I wanted to make sure I didn't offend anybody that gave me a gift. God, who was I?

Exactly. It's just a minefield of proper— Pleasant trees. An etiquette. See, I didn't— It's another good reason to get sober. You can just be like, oh, thank you, cards are a trigger. I can't.

I just can't. I can't. I used to write it when I was drunk. I can't. Well, I sort of think—I I think Pamp's actually had what, now we know as a baby sprinkle, but she had a baby sprinkle for me. I'd already had my first child

and I was actively wanting to have a second child. So Pamp says, I'm gonna be your fertility coach. Right. Oh, God. She's like, I've got this. Full proof. What's the first date of your period? So I tell her, so she's calculating.

And then she calls me, you need to have Josh come home from work right now, and you all need to have sex. And here's the deal. You need to have a pillow under your pelvis. And then when he's finished, just keep your legs up in the air and 100%. It will be a girl. Because I wanted my second child to be a girl.

I do exactly what she told me to do. I had read the book on it. Right. Okay. Yes. So I do exactly as instructed, me to do. I had read the book on it. Right. Okay. Yes. So I do exactly as instructed. Josh comes home. We have sex.

Keep my feet up in the air. Under the pillow, the whole nine. About six days later, she's like, hey, I bought a pregnancy test. Please come over to my house. So I go over to her house and I said, hey, I think it's going to be like 14 before it shows up. No, do it. I've done everything perfect.

Exactly the way the book told me. I was so proud of my performance. I pay on the pregnancy stick. I'm pregnant. Yes. Josh is like literally all he is in this child is the sperm donor at this point. I mean, she has basically we're having a baby, right?

Right. It was our baby and it was a girl. Yes. So which craft? You conjured that baby. Yes. Yeah. So it was 16 years ago and. So witchcraft, you conjured that baby. Yes, yes. So it was 16 years ago. And so you had to wait to 20 weeks

to get the ultrasound to see if there was a vigine or a little peepie. And so we wait for the 20 weeks. And I'm like, you can go get all the ultrasound you want. That's a girl. I nailed this thing. I mean, I nailed it. Guess what?

Ball's penis. And then I start her daughter. Remember Stephanie took you to the hospital. Her sister is a radiologist. So she did an early ultrasound and said, there's a penis. Now her sister is a radiologist, physician. I start arguing with her that it cannot be a penis. Because I got her pregnant with a girl.

I remember, and Stephanie was like, you're a fucking lunatic. Yeah, yeah. So. I can see that as well, but no, I, I, I, like, I wondered, did you use the wrong pillow? I, I, I, I, seriously, I was butt hurt about it, not being, and so I've decided certain males are only female sperm, only male sperm. I'm convinced if Josh had a hundred kids, they'd all be boys that makes me feel better.

Okay. Well, I'd like to test that there. I think we should take some of the sperm and start impregnating women and just for this show, I mean, if they're only to the world to do this. We can just get the turkey based her out, line up lesbians and then just to pregnant them. Yes, you know, just a line of lesbians. They're all put on the pickleball battles.

We need to try and experiment. Like to the air. No, so back to pickleball. So I play all the time in a big part of our group are lesbians. And I get so mad because they beat me all the time and I'll say, you know what? There's no more LGBTQIA for me. It's BTQIA. Screw you bitches. You beat me all the time on the court. I'm no longer an ally.

And of course, we all know of course we all giggle and laugh, but I mean they are so good at pickle. I mean, yeah, I mean pickle balls one of those sports is so competitive. You can turn to gay bashing when you're upset. I do. I totally fear. I bash the elves. It's funny that we, that lesbians are so into it because it was, it's such a, like, it started with old people.

And so then it was just old people and lesbians. And I feel like these are two groups that needed to come together to agree. Because I play on cruise ships a lot because I work on cruise ships often. What are you doing cruise ships? I'm a stand-up comedian. Oh right. Okay. So you're at the entertainer. Yeah. And so I'll end up playing in the mornings with you know 60, 70, 80-year-olds and me. And sometimes I'm the first lesbian they've ever said hello to. Right. But it's such a good game for like like integrating people. It is. Everything on the court though, it changes because it does.

I was in a tournament with a guy in a wheelchair and we did. We just kept hitting it as wheels and I'm not proud of this. I'm not sure. Because we wanted to win and we did. Yeah, that's what you got to do. Did you just say I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ashamed. Maybe, maybe, I might have. Let's move on to the subject. We've established that you have crossed over in your 40s and you're starting to do the

things that 40-year-old women have to do. And one of those things is get a mammogram. I've had it. I've had it with mammogram. I've had it. I had, okay, so I got a mammogram like you you're supposed to, and everybody out there, if you're over 40, get your mammogram, talk to your doctor, whatever. I did that.

I was like, I'm a good girl. I go get mammograms. I get my parts checks because it's preventative medicine. And no one prepared me for this. And I talked to lots of women. And the day I'm going, another comedian friend of mine, Debbie Gutierrez, she goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm getting a mammogram.

She goes, oh, honey. And I go, no, no, my wife said it wouldn't hurt. She goes, girl, it hurts her hair. It's awful. I was like, what? She was right. I'm so glad she said that because it was awful. It is so painful.

It hurt me real bad. Like I wanted to cry. And anyway, I had to get to. And then after the second, like I have dense breast tissue too. Me too. Oh my God. It's a nightmare. So at the end, it was just an ultrasound

which you thought would be better. It's like, oh little wand, that they just put on your nerve. And dig in. But anyway, none of it's good. I might, my issue, here's why I've had it. I don't understand how this is the best imaging technology we could come up with for a breast in 2023.

I agree. Essentially, like taking your boog and rolling it up in a car window. That's your best pick. I mean, you couldn't just... Right. We can see inside your colon. Exactly. Exactly.

Why can't we just walk through a thing? Put your arms up. I agree with you. It's unfathomable that the technology has not advanced more. And I guarantee you, if it were a scan of the penis, it would not be so invasive. They would not pinniny that bitch. No, I would not.

No, they would not. You look a human smore in there. It's awful. So the first time I ever had one, I go in there, the breathing, like, hold your breath. Yeah. Okay, exhale. Okay, hold your breath.

And then they squish the baby. So this goes on and on. And I have the dense press. So they had to do it over and over again. What does that mean? Are they stupid? Are they? They're like, it just, it just, we are women.

I mean, we're vulnerable. Find a nicer way to put that. You know? Exactly. Like you got big old tough titties. You know? So I pass out, Kristen. I pass out.

I mean, that is my mammogram. That is my barest thing. So now when I go, I request a chair and I sit down for the whole thing and I still get light headed it's that you have to hold your breath and I'll try to exhale and but you're a weeny about any kind of medical thing a total I admit it. Faining at your my emigrant that's I did. I did. I did. Wait I wonder if I could play my alcoholic card. Oh I can't get a mammogram. I can't get a mammogram. It makes me want to drink. Okay this is the question I remember feeling her hand. So I think the first one,

he said, real warm hands. I was like, this is going to be awesome. Like this is not going to be battle. And then she really manhandled me.

And I'm like, you like she turned, you know, from just like, oh, where this warm robe did like, damn,

damn, I'm going to check next time. I don't remember. I remember feeling her hand. So I think the first one then she really manhandled me and I'm like, you like she turned, you know, from just like, Oh, wear this warm robe to like take your clothes off. She never ratchet. I was going to say, I don't care if they wear gloves as long as they don't have like Cheeto dust on their fingers. Right. No, I didn't care. It wasn't like sexual

or anything. I just thought, we have to wear a mask in here. And you're just flopping my boob up there with no glove. Okay. I mean, I was kind of like, it's weird. I appreciate that you verified for Kristen and me that the mammogram wasn't sexual. I appreciate that, didn't you? I didn't think they were like hitting on me or anything. Then I asked her to stick her finger in my ass, so anything that was tracked from the machine, like I would, I'm not a big ass play person, but if it makes me not think of the mammogram, I'd be like, let's try it. I'm up into anything at this point. We need a second nurse to work on the

back. So the plan doesn't play. Oh, it's over. That might be better. Bob, she went, one time we were in Mexico on a girls trip. Here we go. And we go get massages. And we're, we all are in individual rooms. And then after we get the massage, she comes out to me. And she says, I think my masseuse was hitting on me. I'm like, she was not hitting on you.

She's like, no, 100%. She kept, she kept looking at me saying, kiss me. That's what I thought she was saying. And I'm like 100% that just wasn't not happening. She's like, I swear to God. It's a five-star hotel. I'm like, that absolutely was not happening. But I never had a massage before that they did your boobs either. It was the first massage that she ripped down my thing. It was massaging my boobs. Plus, I was intoxicated

to the max and maybe a little stone and maybe a little stone and I felt like she went right into my ear while she was rubbing my boobs saying kiss me and I flew out of that room with my hair on fire because do you remember me coming around that corner because y'all were all sitting there and you're like what the fuck happened? Oh my God. She did. She's like the Missus, the Missus massage my boobs. I go, you know, we're in Mexico and Europe in places they're not prudes like Americans, they do the full body.

Yeah. She's like, she kept saying kiss me. Like, they just wanted to happen. You know what that is? I wonder what she was saying. Yeah. I don't know. But I didn't kiss her if that's what you're wondering. I was like, how do you ran?

Was she a bad kisser? I've had a masseuse. I'm like, oh, that's nice. That's gentle. I had a male masseuse that would massage your hamstring, and then there's a growing area that I dated a masseuse for a while, and she talked about that massage and how good it is for you.

And so I was like, oh, you know what, I'm gonna roll with it, this is good, but he got fired shortly after, and I'm like, oh my God, was I illegal was I, was I illegal? Should I not have let him do that? Let me tell you what we found out here in Oklahoma City at since your parents are in Broken Arrow. This is a public service announcement.

There are happy ending places, massage places for women. We just found out about this like two years ago. That's gotta take forever. Yeah, Right. I was like, what? You always know the men go for the happy. Right. And these are heterosexual, church going, carpool, fire,

attending, yoga attending, Starbucks carrying, target shopping, housewives, power moms that are going to the massage parlor and getting finger dittled by the male masseuse. Like happy ending for girls. Did you even know that existed? I did not know that I didn't either. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. It's a joke. It's a joke. No, it's real. Of course, pumps and I immediately did a drive by the massage parlor. We didn't crack any case yet, but we need to put that on our list to go drive back by there again. I kind of want to get a massage

Can't be to join him I'd be the one that got put on the purplock that cops would immediately bested right as Exactly at my timing that's exactly what would happen to me. I Didn't know it's my first time. I've never done anything like this I didn't know it's my first time. I've never done anything like this before. Well, Kristen, can you think of anything else? Do you bring your guitar? I have four right next to me. Can you do a little bit?

I tell pumps about your guitar, comedy stuff. I think it's so clever and so awesome. So could you do a little bit to close this out? All right, Ella, this is, it's not clean, but it's not dirty. I just crocheted last night. This is a true story there in the other room. I crocheted a boob for this other show I'm going on later on today.

And I made one and my wife said, and I said, I gotta make two because you need two boob. So my wife said, well, don't you make three? I said, why three? And she goes, because then you could juggle them. Anyway, I've crocheted some weird things, but I crocheted a penis a while ago to raffle off, but I didn't know how much I could sell it for. So I looked on Etsy. And there's a lot of Etsy shops with crocheted penises. And I wrote a song about my favorite.

Her name is Nasty Grandma. And this is called Nasty Grandma's Handmade Wings. Well, nobody knows what's gotten into Granny. She's always crocheted, but lately it's nasty. If you go for a visit, don't bring your kids. Cause nasty grandma won't stop crocheting dicks. That's tick-gumma won't stop crocheting dicks. She puts squeakers in the balls and she even surricumsizes the tube! She ain't seen a real one since 93 so she makes them all from her memories and nasty

Grandma on Stop Crochet and TOO! Well she's kinda old and her income is fixed but she does all right with her little dick business Her god-grand-of-with, one in his mouth, and now the mailman won't bring mail to her house Her couch is covered in wang-shaped pillows, and her salt and pepper shakers are test-deco Cassidy Grandma, oh, stop crushing things Cassidy Grandma, oh, stop crushing things Last week Grandma won't stop crocheting teeth. She bought the squeakers in the balls and she even took some size of those tears.

She ain't seen a real one since 93 so she makes them all from her memories. I remember this beautiful deck I saw back before the war nasty Reholt the crochet and day. Yeah. That was amazing. Amazing. God, you make me and Pemps feel like we're total failures. Losers.

Yeah, you even have a good voice. I'm not intended. No, no, no, no. I know it's supposed to be an uplifting song. Definitely. You're just, you're funny, talented, talented, great skin. Yes, like sunscreen is paid off. Kristen Keigh.

Oh, I could talk to you guys all day. You just keep going. I shut up. Love your song. That was great. It was so great. Kristen Keigh, thank you so much for joining us. Our listeners can find you at the Kristen Key and on her podcast, Kristen Knows Blank.

Kristen Knows Blank, I play a, I play a mad lib with a comedian every, every episode. How fun. That is so fun. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Next time on our channel, we'll have a moment.

Think of us. Absolutely. Yeah. I'll be at Oklahoma City this summer. Perfect. Text a call me, Kristen. Call me. You got a girl. You call me. We'll play Pickable. We'll go to the massage farm.

We'll play Pickable. We'll play Pickable. And then we'll go to the massage. And then we'll go to the massage. By Kristen, thank you. Thank you so much. So much for having fun. I love her.

She's so funny. Fantastic. I love the bag of dicks. Yeah, she is so funny. Fantastic. I love the bag of dicks. Yeah, she is so fun. So I like the idea that she plays the, I can't go to Baby Showers because it's a trigger. I'm gonna tell Josh to update his trigger list. Yes.

Anytime you don't wanna go anywhere, that trigger's Josh. I'm gonna update the trigger list. Right. To pretty much cover everything. Graduations. I'll be furious if you get out all the graduations. Sip and C's.

Here's the deal on graduations. You should only have to go to your own children's. To your own children's. That's right. I would never expect you to come to Dylan Aromans. Never. I would never do that to you because I care about you. Wait!

I love you. I don't want to torture you. That's right. If I ever have another baby because I am still able, right, I would not make you come to my baby show. Maybe I should try to get you back again. Maybe you could try to get me pregnant again. Oh my God.

We can't use Josh's sperm because I'm convinced it's only boys. Oh my God. Listener, we will see you soon. I think we listen to our We Will See You Soon. I think we need to wrap this before Josh taps it. Please send us a voice memo via Instagram, follow us, like us, subscribe to us, and we will see you next Tuesday. What's your name?

I'm Aaron. I'm Aaron. I'm Aaron. I'm Aaron with that.