I've Had It - Who's That F***ing Nerd?

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

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So we're supposed to start the podcast. Ready? One, two, three. Welcome. Welcome to I've Had It. I feel like you're neglecting that was a great clap. I thought it was... You thought it was lackluster?

I thought it was average. I've heard some robust claps before and I just didn't feel like that was one that echoed through the room. I felt really good about it. Well, just didn't feel like that was one that echoed through the room I felt really good about it. Well, I don't want to you put thunder on my clap Thomas what have you had it with? Okay what I've had it with It's fucking Hysteria from meteorologists about weather

First of all, they break into programming, which is normally fine because I'm not streaming, but if I'm watching something, they break in about weather and then the weather never fucking happens. If I was that bad at my job, I wouldn't have it for years on end if I was standing up there preaching mass hysteria and it never fucking happened. At what point do we as the public say you're full of shit? It doesn't happen. Like this weekend I took the dog schedule completely about because we were going to have all this weather. A couple moms were on a group text because our kids were in Norman. Oh my God, are the kids gonna be safe? Like 47 techs?

And I'm like, it's never gonna fucking happen because I kept looking at the weather and it was like, okay, it's gonna happen at three. Then it's gonna happen at five, then seven, then nine. I'm so sick of piss poor weather forecasting slash meteorologists that are bad at their jobs. Let me tell you how I handled that this weekend. First of all, I was blissfully

unaware because I don't watch the local news. Right. Nor do I Google anything about the local news. And so when I went on Saturday to play pickleball, I noticed the clouds looked somewhat sketch. Right. But it's Oklahoma. We live in the Great Plains. Whatever. I didn't care. I arrive and everybody's like, how's the weather? What's going on? You know, we're supposed to get bad weather. And I go, here's the thing. I've lived here pretty much all of my life. And if you completely deconstruct your entire schedule around every single time these people say there's going to be bad weather, your entire spring season is going to be shot with with unproductivity. And so I just went, everybody showed up, it rained some, I heard some thunder, I

heard some lightning. I refuse to be a basket case or buy into the hype. Can real weather happen? Yes. But here's the thing, your phone will start beeping like a siren. It will start alerting you immediately. So I'm not buying into this. I'm not gonna be involved in group texts. I'm not doing it.

A long, long time ago decided I'm not playing this game. I'm living my life. Now that we live in the modern era, you have a smartphone that will literally beep like a siren, take cover, take cover. A tornado is coming and you will know it like 30 minutes in advance. So I refused to sit around and watch the meteorologist with full blown erections, being hysterical. I've had it as well. I was just gonna say, it's eight hours of them stroking their penis on TV. Nothing ever happens.

I changed my whole dog schedule over it. I'm pissed. I've had it. They're about at their jobs. I put that on you. I know. So let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay.

I've had it with having to purchase 17 different streaming services as a subscription. I need for somebody to come in and just put it all on one thing. Put it all on one big thing. Because I go in, the other day you told me to watch the Stormy Daniels documentary right couldn't get to my TV fast enough I go to the peacock app I thought that we had a really good plan with the peacock well guess what commercials yeah and I thought the reason why you pay the premium price is so you don't have to have the commercials.

I'm going into the settings. I feel like I'm constantly fighting with these streaming services. I feel like they're constantly rebranding, merging with others, re-identifying. One app becomes outdated, then you have to go to another app. It is chaos with the streaming apps. It is total chaos. There is no oversight. There's no regulating.

They are squeezing in commercials. When I thought I bought an ad free thing. Drives me crazy. And then they're rebranding and they have a new logo when they merged with somebody else and the old app doesn't work. So then you got to go download this app. Enough.

Enough. Enough. Yeah, I'm with you. I thought I got the app where I did all the stuff, all my streaming. I had to get like five or six different apps. Then you have to upgrade with the commercials. And I've had the same trouble with Peacock.

I buy the premiums. I don't have to watch the commercials. Then I have the fucking commercials. And everybody fucks you on the commercials. If you don't want the commercials, you have to pay extra. Well, nobody wants the commercials. So everybody has to pay extra. It's fucking racket.

And I'm with you. Like it used to be HBO. Now it's Max. It used to be Showtime. Now it's something else. You can't find anything. It just drives me crazy. Welcome to I've Had It.

I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star of the show. Kylie, do you have any reviews for us? I actually have a couple TikTok hate comments. Excellent. It's been a while. So we've posted some stuff about moms,

which always gets people riled up. And a lot of TikTokers have been taking the time to make videos about how much they hate us. So there's a lot of good comments underneath. TU commented and said, these two are so disgusting. I report them any time I see a video. Now I know who's reporting us. Right.

They give such negativity to the universe enough with these old hags. Well, that sounds like she is super positive. That's it. And thank god they're throwing positivity out into the world. Right. That was not even clever. That's not even, that doesn't even remotely, I'm disappointed.

I am too. Is that supposed to be a takedown? Bad takedown. That's such a piss poor takedown. Piss poor. I will say I've noticed these type of people, they're not very clever with their takedown. That's what I was going to say. They're not clever people. I appreciate a clever takedown.

I do too. All right, this is from Megs and Toast and they comment, My mom loves these women. Speaks a lot on why we have trouble communicating. A listener tried to chime in and said, They're honestly hilarious though. It's hard to judge off one clip. You need to watch more. Megs and Toast responds again, Unfortunately,

I've seen quite a few of their videos, all insufferable takes. Unfortunately, I've seen quite a few of their videos, all insufferable takes. See, I just, I like her mother. I think she lacks creativity. I don't think she has great sense of humor. Here's the situation is sometimes people, there's a collision. They're selling themselves on this. Motherhood is wonderful. Being a wife is wonderful. Life is wonderful. I have inspirational quotes. I take pictures of my coffee art. Everything is completely contained and pulled together. And then there's, there's something when she goes to bed at night or he like, God, sometimes life, fucking sex, but they just, they're told this is the American dream. This is the way it's supposed to be played out. And then reality slaps them right in the face. Two dried up, bitter women that do not give a fuck.

They say, what was that video about? Was that the video where we talk about people, about labor and delivery? Labor and delivery. They're told, they're told you're supposed to, supposed to live your labor and delivery stories and every labor and delivery story is beautiful and you should share it with everybody. And we said, we didn't want to hear it. Imagine getting triggered by the two of us saying, we don't care about labor and delivery stories. Yeah, there's a lot of snowflakes out there. I don't think there's any question about that. Yeah. All right. I, so I got this alert on my phone over the weekend and it was a Buzzfeed article and I started reading it and I was sitting there laughing out loud while watching tennis. I got totally distracted. I couldn't really

give the tennis match all of my attention because these were so hilarious. And of course I thought I have to share them with you and the listener. What this is, is the most cringe worthy, embarrassing and painfully awkward conversations in all of human history. And I want to give credit to the author. His name is Dave Stoperra. Okay. Here's the first one. It's called the laptop moment. At love dove Clark writes, No, you guys, my dad was watching a video on his laptop in the living room. And I walked up behind him and said, Who's that fucking nerd? And to my horror, the nerd on the screen laughed. It was a zoom meeting. The nerd is one of our company's investors.

Oh, gosh, that's so embarrassing. You're just dying. Who's that fucking nerd? Who's that fucking nerd? Okay, here's the vape moment. Huey says accidentally vaped in front of my mom, but she only saw the smoke and goes, what was that? So I immediately said, no way you saw that too. And now I have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted.

Now you hide your vaping. I appreciate the creativity with that. I've never been that creative, but I mean, I have blamed smoking and vaping on other people, somebody else's. If you see the smoke, it's cold weather. I coughed. I mean, but the haunted house, that's a whole new level. Kylie, do you have to hide your vaping from your mother? She knows.

But I try to hide it just out of respect. Yeah. Let me tell you something. The first time Ana met my mother, which was a really big scary deal, she's face to face talking to her. And Ana just rips her vape and does a whole cloud right there. And then remembered that that was my mom right in front of her. Right. Well, it's just, that's how I do mine. Like I don't even really...

It's probably a coping mechanism. I have one trick I do. So like family Christmas, I'm stuck at the house. I need to be vaping. I'll get like a cup of coffee. I'll hit the vape and then I let it out in the cup. So it just looks like hot coffee. Steaming coffee. Steam. Like it's steam. Oh, that's a good one. That's pretty impressive. See, coffee. Like it's steam. Oh, that's a good one. That's pretty impressive. See, I just hold it in. I don't know that that's good. It's effective. I know, but I don't know that that's good to just let your body absorb what's supposed to come out. Yeah, I know,

but on an airplane sometimes you're just stuck. All right, moving along. Fiona says was once followed by an oddball in the supermarket was frightened so started to speed up. So did he ended up with him literally chasing me up and down each and every aisle. Eventually he caught up and then he asked if he could have his trolley back. She had his cart. She had his cart. Oh, that's something I would do. Pumps, I could not function without my dogs, Tebi and Cha-Cha. I couldn't function without Blaze and Ollie.

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I was on the phone with somebody. I think it was Rui Quintana. What? No, I... What? You told Olive Garden Hostess that you loved her? I did. Okay, so I'm leaving the restaurant and I'm on my phone as I'm leaving the booth and I

always say, bye, I love you to my kids. So I was like, bye, I love you. And so then I was passing by the house. I just hung up. I'm passing by the hostess. She said, bye. And I said, bye, I love you. I did.

The Olive Garden. The Olive Garden of all places. I remember it so specifically because I was like, oh my God, that's embarrassing. Like that is stupid. Yeah. Bye, I love you. Okay.

All right. Here's one from Al uh, Alice Dare Kennedy. My granddad was on the train once and noticed that a passenger had forgotten his bag. He grabbed the bag, ran after him, yelled, wait, you forgot this and threw it out onto the platform as the doors were closing. Turns out it was another passenger's bag that was still on the train. That is so something you would do. I would totally do that.

Oh my gosh, that's the worst. I can see me doing that, trying to help, fuck everything up. Okay. Sophie says, the worst thing has just happened. I will never recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn't free samples. It was a man holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man's chicken. chicken. So she walked by and just grabbed his lunch. She just grabbed a piece of chicken as though it was a sample and then just ate it and she stole chicken. Oh God. Sophie's

out there still in chicken. Okay, I have to say my dirty mind, it came back. I thought you were going to say he had his dick in the back bucket and she grabbed his always. I'm just saying that when you said his chicken that was my first thought. I was like, she did a little why you rub and tag and it was just oh God she stole his lunch though. Okay. This is funny. So a guy orders a sandwich, okay? And then the bag that the sandwich goes in has the description and it says, must let Tom pick onion. So the guy spent five minutes trying to figure out who Tom is and what his onion picking skills

have to do with my sandwich. Because obviously must let Tom pick onion is abbreviated for mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickle onion. Yeah, I'm sitting there like, why is Tom picking the onion? Right? That's exactly. And when you see it, it's even more hilarious. I love that.

Okay. Ginger says, I met a new business contact for the first time in a bar. I dipped into the bowl of nuts at our table and popped a few in my mouth. They were the hardest nuts ever. That's because they weren't nuts. They were all of stones left by the person before us. And now they were in my mouth. Oh, gosh, I hate that. It's bad.

So something else is something you would do. I've thought that on every single post kind of. This is just a theme of pumps might do every single one. I would do every single one. Every single one. Yeah. Why are they letting Tom pick the onions on my sandwich? Right. Who's Tom? Why does he care what I eat?

Asterik writes, please help. My biology teacher asked, what's the opposite of dominant? And I confidentially answered submissive to the whole class. Yes. Just came out before you could stop it. Now that's a me too. For sure. Okay. Roxy Horror says, in eighth grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving and I was going to switch schools.

So I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school. Eighth grade, the most horrible, miserable, the most miserable time of your life. And other kids are miserable. They're mean. Getting hormones, it's insufferable. So she thought it was her swan song. Yep. And it wasn't. Oh my god, that's like where you literally think you're not going to survive. Yep. Okay, what's the worst thing you can say in an elevator full of people? Jumpkicker writes, true story. My mom and dad were in a crowded elevator while my mom was very obviously pregnant to the point of bursting. I guess she looks

at my dad and says, when are you going to tell your wife about me? My parents are happily married. She was just pranking him. My dad said it was the longest elevator ride of his life We need to bring more of this shit back I like that it's so great that's clever I mean, you know because the people that get off the elevator. Oh my gosh. Uh-huh. All right the checkout moment I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and I guess the customer I rang up Was an IG baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn't. And when I checked her out, she was like, this line is so long, don't you know who I am? And I said, No, sorry. And then her credit card declined for $1.35. Here's the deal. Anytime anyone says, don't you know who I am? Immediate red flag,

immediate stay away from me. I immediately hate you. Immediate. It's just like, fuck off. And it's just poetic justice that are card declined for a dollar. And like the, the self manufactured Instagram fame, I'm, I'm, hey, I'm all for it's a free country. You started with your phone and started hustling and you're made all the way up to what, however many followers it is that you want to be successful. But to think that you deserve like to be cut in line and shit like that is gross. It's gross. And I have a friend that owns a clothing store here in town and she says people

will come in all the time and be like, I'm an influencer. So do I get a discount? It's it's wild. Influencer culture is wild. I mean, it is just really, really wild. There's a video going viral right now. There was a big after party that someone threw and the influencer is posting it. She's like, I'm leaving because look at this. And the entrance of it, there's a sign that says an arrow to the left, enter this way if you have 1 million followers or up. And then the other half of the party to the right, if you have under 1 million followers, you go this way. So there's separate, I mean, literally, that's the first thing you see when you walk up,

she was like, I'm leaving because this is disgusting. Well, I kind of appreciate it a little bit. Like you think you're big time, how big time are you? Which door are you going in? Were they two separate parties? Yeah. So one was better than the other. One million and up and then lower than one million.

Yeah. See, I guess the situation is number one, I'd never go to an influencer party right out of the gate or a party pretty much anyway. I would say I respectfully decline. Thank you so much for the invitation. Number two, I kind of leaned to pumps a little bit. It's kind of like our, we want there to be a line at TSA for the people that are good at it. Right. And the people that aren't good at going through TSA get the shitty line. But I would feel

bad for like somebody who had built a really fantastic Instagram profile, maybe was a better influencer than somebody else who has like three million. They just went, had one viral video. I don't know. I just think it's, I mean, young egos and the internet influencing is tough business. Lots of hurt feelings, lots of but hurt shit. It's just, they put themselves out there to be vulnerable and then they get dissed and they have a lot of anxiety. See, being an old hag, you're just immune to that shit. You don't care. You don't give a shit.

There's just a lot of butthurt around. Kylie read those hate comments to us and I just, you know, number one, it wasn't that great of a hate comment. Right. Number two, thank you for taking the time to comment on us. Right. You know, but when you're young and you're in your 20s, that can be devastating to read that shit.

Especially when that generation is so focused on their social media presence. Oh, yeah. So the humility probably was just a tough pill to swallow. Okay, here's one called the meow moment. I was just singing and singing into my meeting and my microphone was on. Worst part, I was using the word meow for all of the real words. I was meowing to the final countdown. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow meow. That's the shit you do at home alone though. I got a wonder. I mean, why are you meowing the words to the final countdown? Meow meow meow. You've done shit like that. I totally get that. You're bored to tears. I know, but the meow.

Somebody's grandstanding words. Somebody's grandstanding on the Zoom. So you just start. I think that's the most relatable one we've read. Meow meow meow. meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. I like that she was embarrassed to do it. You're just doing it on your podcast for everybody. Totally.

I totally relate to that. Like you're just bored. I would do the humming. I don't know that I, I just don't know that I'm creative enough to do the beyond. Well, the eye surgery moment. A friend had eye surgery, even though his vision was still blurry. He went to a restaurant. He went to the bathroom where he saw a man approaching him and they awkwardly did the no, you go you go no you go for a couple of minutes. Turns out he was standing in front of a mirror the entire time.

Oh gosh that's my future. Okay here's one Connor says that's nothing. My wife and I met her friend for lunch one day. My wife and I met her friend for lunch one day. I bent over to give her friend's baby a peck on the cheek. Didn't see she was breastfeeding until it was too late. It wasn't her baby that I kissed. So we've reached down and kissed this woman's breast the first time you met her. It's hard to recover from that. It's so hard to recover. Okay.

Gari says, once a guy DM'd me on Instagram and I looked at his profile and saw that he had just posted pics of his engagement a week ago. So I DM'd the girl in the pics to say her fiance was DMing me. She told me the guy that DMed me was their photographer. And that's why I hate myself. Oh my gosh, that is so bad. She thought she was whistleblowing. She was like, I'm doing I'm helping a girl out. Yeah. And it was the photographer. It was the photographer the whole time. Oh God. Now that is something I have to say. We should talk about people, men or women that think that they can get away with cheating in DMS because it's screenshot.

It's a track back to the real life. and it's just fascinating to me how people still Continue to do it when it is a digital Record of the infidelity right you would think that they would at least go out of their way to make a burner account But so many of these people don't know they just do it now It's unbelievable. It really is They just do it. No. It's unbelievable. It really is.

But you know what I like is people now like screenshotting it, sending it to the person, the whistleblowing. I like the whistleblowing. Now, this particular case, it was a fail. Right. There's a lot of positive whistleblowing. Yeah, I just think at the end of the day, like, I without like 100% proof, I'm not meddling in somebody else's shit. For sure.

I'm not going to be a whistleblower. I'm not going to snitch out that shit. No, I wouldn't either. But I think it's an important service in a lot of relationships. I do too. All right. The 7-Eleven moment. This morning I got a drink from 7-Eleven and the cashier said, you could get two more if

you wanted. And so I got two more because I thought she meant there was a promo, but there wasn't a promo. I just paid full price for three of the same drink. Why did she do this? Why did she? That's so smart. You can get three more if you want.

That's what I thought. I thought he was going to get half off. Why would you say that? Why did she do this? You can get three more if you want. That's what I thought. I thought he was going to get half off. Why would you say that? Why did she do this? I would have fallen for it. You know what? Here's the deal.

I kind of am team cashier. She's just like, look, I fucking work at 7-Eleven. I'm not getting paid well. You know, it's just a mix array, mixed bag of people that come into this place. I'm going to start fucking with society back. Somebody comes up, they put a snicker bar down. You can get sweet tarts in a Milky Way, too.

Oh, OK. And then ring them all up. I'm kind of into it. I kind of dig it. I think it's innovative. I think it's industrious It makes me think like was there a run on that product like if you sell a certain amount of product you get I think it's just like in with general back. I think she's just fucking with people you can get two more if you want I'm into it. I

Like it. I was raised and got he sitting here saying, why did she do this? There wasn't a promo. I just paid full price for three of the same drink. You know what Karen would have done in that situation? Well, I don't want the other two if they're full price. Then you have to go through the whole transaction again. It'd be a huge pain in the ass. Pumps now that the heat is rolling in I'm playing so much tennis and pickleball that I have to be constantly aware that I don't stink because body odor is totally canceled and thanks to the Lume products I smell fresh as a daisy. I love the Lume whole body deodorant. It's safe to put anywhere on your body especially like it on my under boobs, thigh folds, belly button, and butt crack.

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get support at any hour if things aren't going as planned. Download the Viator app now and use the code VIATOR10 for 10% off your first booking in the app. Find the perfect travel experiences for you. Do more with Viator. Okay, here's one. Guys, for the past two years, the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire chatting about life. Other days, he won't even return a hello. Turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there. Two separate men. This is going on, been going on for two years. The identical twins just fucks with people.

Yeah. Fucks with me. I mean, I get it. I fall prey. You know, I do though. There are people in your life. I mean, it's not completely unheard of where you see somebody one day and they're super nice and then the next day they act like they don't know you.

That happens all the time. All the time. I feel like I deal with this all the time without it being a twin issue. Right. I feel like it's nonstop. You have a friend and you're like, oh my God, this gal's so great.

She's so nice. She's so friendly. And then you see her or him a few days later and you're like, what a dick. Total dick. There's this one gal that our kids went to elementary school together. She's super friendly, saw her multiple times. And then I saw her a few other times and was just a total bitch. And now she's back on being

nice and I, you know, you have to realize at first you think it's about you, but it's typically not. It's typically about that person, you know? And you know, maybe it's more authentic to just not be friendly all the time and feign right. If you're in a bad mood, just say like, fuck you. I don't want to talk. Right. I mean, part of me, I can go for that. My mom and little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying, laughing my ass off. The text is sent to the phone and it says, need bud? Question mark. And the mom responds, my son no longer has this phone number. Does he need what? And the friend responds, bud, a buddy. I heard he lonely AF. It's a good friend.

That is a good friend. Totally covered. I mean, good friend. Totally covered. I mean, totally covered it. Yes. I love that. How about, okay, so the mom and the son switched phones and then so they didn't tell anyone. That's pretty dicey. That is dangerous.

That is dangerous. Well, probably the mom switched on purpose. No, I know. Right. And didn't tell anyone. Right. For the purposes of this type of ambush. switched on purpose. No, I know. Right. And didn't tell anyone. Right. For the purposes of this type of ambush.

That friend caught it right away. I would have been like, what? Is this not so-and-so? All right. So Paul writes, so this is how I learned my work calendar wasn't private. Paul, I want to do the product intro to Blank on Friday. And on the only good spot for most people, you have a blocker called, Get a Chicken. Is that something you could move to join us?

So the guy's writing his to-do list on the calendar and it's a shared calendar. This is like you in the first eight months of the podcast. I did it. Put down your doctor's appointments and all of the things that you needed to do. Invited everybody to everything. You invited, you sent out invitations to your gynecologist appointment. Somebody writes on Reddit, how do I communicate with blind people? Like obviously there's Braille, but is there some form of clicking I can do with my tongue

to simulate Braille verbally? And then some time goes by and he writes, edit. Never mind. And then some time goes by and he writes, edit. Nevermind you could just talk to them. I'm surprised you just didn't get devoured on Reddit for that. Like fucking talk to him you bozo. This is 100% something you would do. Okay. Vittone writes, happy and I visited winery in Sonoma and the man running the wine tasting

demonstrated taking a sip of wine and holding it in your mouth while inhaling air to release the flavor slash scent. Happy tried it, choked on the wine and projectile spit it out all over the wine guy. Horrifying. 100%. I would totally do that. 100%. I'm trying to even think how you would do that. That's tough stuff. Oh, you know, there's so much fuckery that goes into wine tasting. Right. there's a lot of drama. And it's a lot of theater in it. And it's such a rich person thing where it's like, you know, you're talking about all of these things. And here's the situation. I think you can put down like seven or eight glasses of wine and pretty much to the 95% of all consumers of it

are not gonna be able to tell a huge difference. But we're trotting out sommeliers. We're trotting out all these wine trips 25% of all consumers of it are not going to be able to tell a huge difference. But we're trotting out sommeliers. We're trotting out all these wine trips and people feign as though they're interested in the type of grape and the hints of flavor. And the fact of the matter is all anybody's interested in is getting tipsy. They don't give a fuck about all of the other shit, but there's so many things that we feign interest in to seem cultured. And I'm going

to tell you, I have fallen prey to the wine culture bullshit. I've been to many wine tastings back when I drank. Right. And here's what sucks about a wine tasting. You're going like I, when I drank, I wanted a glass or two of wine. I wanted the entire thing. Right. Well they pour this tiny little half an inch sip and you twirl it around and you look for legs. Then you take a sip and it's just like you don't even get the buzz because it's all of this grandstanding about the legs on it. The scent, this guy's projectile spitting all over the wine person. It's a racket.

I've had it. It's a huge racket. And I am one of those people that I cannot tell my ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to wine. They all taste the same. Next up we have the dumpster moment. I didn't realize my mic was on this work meeting and just asked my cat, who's my little pee pee boy? Because he was being, I'm going to go sit in a dumpster now. Here's the deal. I want this to happen on our zoom call. I do too. Or I want somebody to stand up without their pants on. Here we go again. No, but you've seen that all the time. You probably want someone to just start beating off. Get out the lotion and the tissue.

Pumps is going to be like, oh, this is getting good. No, but you see all that all the time. Our Zoom's nothing ever exciting like that happens. Never. It's just always professional, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, corporate speak, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. No dicks.

No lotion. No lotion. No tissues. No masturbating. No who's my little pee pee boy. No. We're just not on the right things. No, we're not. Because these are the zooms that I wanted part of. I would be interested in that thing. Okay. Last one. Javier Acosta says, my friend lied on his CV that he mastered the piano at age 15. And now he's been asked if he can play for the board of directors on Friday. Then Javier follows up and read and responds to his own tweet and says, man has been sitting in the car for the past half hour

Googling the most painless way to break your fingers. I was just thinking I would literally break my hands. That's what I was thinking. I would go to Walgreens and get one of those things that you slide on your finger and say, oh my gosh, I broke my finger. First of all, I didn't even know people read resume deals anymore.

But to put that you mastered the piano at 15 and not be able to play it, man, fucking sucks they read that. I mean, that is the making those type of extraordinary lies. It's impossible to sustain. No, I mean, because look, this guy was like, oh my gosh, he mastered the piano at 15. He's got to be great. Let's have to sustain. No, I mean, because look, this guy was like, oh my gosh, he mastered the piano at 15. He's got to be great. Let's have him play.

Let's have him play in front of everybody. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be getting me a brace on that finger. But he must break your finger. It's so bad. I mean, okay, in a situation like that, do you go in, if your job has nothing to do, you're like performing well at your job, everything's so bad. I mean, okay, in a situation like that, do you go in, if your job has nothing to do, you're like performing well at your job,

everything's going well, do you go in and say, you know, I put that on my resume, but I really need to take it off? Here's the situation. You just write it, wear braces. I think at that point you have to write it, because if I had an employee that wrote something like that, okay. And then I found out six, seven months later that it was complete bullshit.

And then they came and confessed, hey, you know, you keep asking me to play the guitar at our holiday party. I actually can't play the guitar. I would know that this person was some level of a psycho. Maybe not full blown, maybe not a 10, but I would just know that I have got to do everything in my power to figure out a way to fire this person because they can no longer work for me. I don't think that as an employer, I could get past it.

You wouldn't put them on a watch list. You'd be looking for a way out. I would be like, okay, listen here, I'm going to like start documenting every second they're late. I would figure out a way to fire the person because I do not think that I personally could get past it. I would be and then I would have so many like, why would you lie about that? Why the piano? That's my question. Why the piano? Why? It's kind of like the guy at 7-Eleven. Why did she do that? Right. Why? Because she was just fucking with him. And that I kind of get. Kind of get that. She's working at 7-Eleven. Life might, you know, she's not probably getting paid

what she deserves to be paid dealing with all this bullshit. She wanted to fuck back with people. But the grandstanding about a skill that you don't have. I can't get on board with that. You think they were just trying to set themselves apart and be special? I think that lie doesn't exist in a vacuum. I think what you have right here is a compulsive liar. 100% you've got a compulsive liar and this person probably says they speak five to six languages, they only speak English, and it could go on and on and on. How I know this is I have had a friend that was a compulsive liar and told these fantastical

lies that were verifiably false. You can also look at maybe like Donald Trump. He's a compulsive liar and he tells these fantastical lies on and on and on again and they're all verifiably false. This is just why I think you cannot trust it. I think it's a slippery slope that leads directly to Trumpism. It starts with saying that you can play Mozart, the next thing you know, January 6th, horns on head, bullhorn, hanging mic pins. Somewhere on that slope. Is there a Stanley cap involved? 100% when the person types that on the resume,

they did it right after sipping from a Stanley cap. There's no question. The lead in the Stanley cap causes compulsive lying and leads directly to Trumpism and a crystal meth addiction. I didn't tell you I added that to my research over the weekend. You just added that over the weekend? A lot of anecdotal evidence to that? Stanley Cups? A hunch. Stanley Cups lead to Trumpism and an addiction to crystal meth. The gateway drug. As well as a life in prostitution. Not that there's anything wrong with sex workers.

I just have heard that's what happened. Speaking of lying and making shit up. At least that's more interesting. Yeah. To play the piano. That, I mean, could you imagine the stress? No, I can't lie. But here's the deal.

That's not the only lie. That's such a big lie. They probably said they graduated like summa cum laude or something. There's a bunch of shit. I guarantee you that person, the faux piano player has so many lies on his resume and just in the day to day life. I bet there are so many lies on his resume and just in the day-to-day life. I bet there are so many. Because like, why?

Why put that on there? I would never even think to put on that. I'm not that creative. I'm a concert violinist. I can play the cello. I'm an astronaut. I'm a good podcaster. Lie. We know that's a lie.

All right, listeners. That's it. We're going to start our Patreon post show right now because we want to and we can and on that episode, Pumps is going to play the cello. Right. And we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both.