I've Had It - Wrap It Before You Tap it

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Samantha Bee helps us lay down some new rules: Toes should never be separated, movies need a time limit, and JD Vance should be banned from all Ashley Furniture showrooms going forward. NEW TOUR DATES ANNOUNCED! For more I've Had It + tour updates, merch and more at linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: Homes.com: When it comes to finding a home - not just a house - we have everything you need to know, all in one place. https://homes.com. We’ve done your home work. LolaVie: Get 15% off LolaVie with the code Hadit15 at https://www.lolavie.com/hadit15] #lolaviepod eharmony: Give eharmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz, so you can find someone you can be yourself with. eharmony – Get Who Gets You! Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Samantha Bee @RealSamBee   Subscribe to Choice Words with Samantha Bee https://lemonadamedia.com/show/choice-words-with-samantha-bee/

Listen up, patriots, gaitriots, and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever, if you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say?

Cacaw! A little bit more enthusiasm. Cacaw! That's it. That's, that's, Cacaw! That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Ready? One, two, three. Welcome to I've Had It Podcast, a place for open-minded people to share their petty grievances. I'm Jennifer.

I'm Angie. And right before we started filming, Pumps called Kylie Kathy. So from this day forward, we will be calling our millennial lesbian producer, Kathy. Pumps. Okay, first of all, how long have you known me? A long time. Have I ever gotten anybody's name right, ever as far as you know?

No, you haven't because as our listener knows, we had the governor of Kentucky on the show named Andy Bershear and the lead up to it around the office, you kept saying, what time do you think Randy is going to arrive? Hey, Kathy, what time do you think Randy's going to arrive at the studio? I feel like you know who I'm talking about. Do you think Randy's tall? These are the hard hitting questions.

America's greatest legal mind. Meemaw meat curtain. Oh, a listener sent me a little tip, a little sales pitch for your new law firm. Are you hurting? Call Meemaw meat curtain. Tell you what, our listeners sharp as a tack. They're just smart. Sharp as a tack. Memaw, what have you had it with? Why don't you share with Kathy and me what you've had it with.

Okay, so what I fucking had it with in 2024, among the many things I've had it with, I'm adding roundabouts while driving. You know those little circles? Of course I know a roundabout. Okay, it's great in like London. That's a great roundabout. So last night I'm driving home, this guy behind me, it says yield and everybody knows

that nobody knows whose fucking turn it is in a roundabout. Like nobody knows. A four-way stops bad enough but a roundabout it's just fucking chaos. So I yield and I start slowing down. This guy comes up behind me, he's old too, comes up behind me, starts honking at me, go go! And I was like, look fucking prick, I'm just trying to do what it says. And then I just, as I was driving past it, I just thought, that's the best you've got? A roundabout? Here's the deal. Here's the deal with roundabouts in the United States of America. We're too incompetent to do the roundabout. I love you more than anything on the planet, but here's the deal with a roundabout. You got a nose in, you can't stay back and be shy. You got

a nose in, you just go straight into the roundabout. I get passive at a roundabout. That's why you're not a great candidate for a roundabout. Roundabouts are not for passive people. You got a nose in, you can't stay ass back. You got a nose in that roundabout. No, I'm a breaker. I'm a brake rider on a roundabout. I just get nervous. Yeah. See, I like a roundabout. There's a way that I can come to the office where there's a little roundabout down here and I just enjoy it and I nose right in. And if somebody's lollygagging and not nosing in, I'm on the horn. Oh, you are?

Oh, yeah. You're like that guy last night. He was madder than a hornet. Yeah. Which you know,ing in, I'm on the horn. Oh, you are? Oh, yeah. You're like that guy last night. Exactly. He was madder than a hornet. Uh-huh. Yeah. Which, you know, of course, I kind of loved that. Yeah.

It's thunder rile people out. It is. I was just like, God, you're getting mad. But I just, I really did, I just thought, hmm, doing a roundabout here on our brand new little street. The situation for our international listeners is we don't have that many roundabouts in America, especially in a place like Oklahoma. They're so commonplace in Europe. Right. But we don't know that many roundabouts in America, especially in a place like Oklahoma. They're so commonplace in Europe.

Right, but we don't know how to do them. I don't. So when they roll them out here, you've got... It's just chaos at the roundabouts. It is. Our education system struggles world, so we struggle at these roundabouts. I mean, it's trench warfare at the roundabouts in the United States

of America. Some people might even say, and I might even heard you say, the education system is so bad so people will stay dumb. So they'll go maggot. Yeah, sounds like something I'd say. Yeah, all right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Let me check my notes here. Oh, yes. Okay, I've had it with people that assume the role of hall monitor in public settings. Okay, I'm going to give you an example, okay? Josh and I were at the airport and I was going to the gate

because I heard them making an announcement, like we're gonna get ready to start boarding soon, passengers on this flight, blah, blah, blah. So I start walking up to the gate, sometimes you just gotta get your eyes on the layout and the situation. Right, little recon. Yeah, I was doing a little reconnaissance trip.

So as I'm walking up to get my eyes on everything, this guy goes, hey, hey. And I look at him and he's dressed in plain clothes. He's not wearing a uniform that would indicate that he is an employee of the airport or the airline. And I said, yes. And he goes, they're not boarding yet. And I go, I know. I'm just getting my eyes on it.

So then I go back, gather the people that are traveling with me, and they have the lines where you can line up for boarding. Come on, we're gonna go get in line right now. We're gonna be first in line. You do like to be first in line at boarding. And they were like, we don't wanna stand in line. I'm like, oh no,

we're going to because I have somebody who's trying to boss me around in the lobby of the airport. So you know what he does just to flex on me this hall monitor guy? What? So they say, okay, now we're boarding, you know, veterans. And then they go on now we're boarding families with small children. and then they go, and now we're boarding families with small children. He has a 10-year-old. He skirts the system with the 10-year-old, passes me while I'm waiting with the normal boarders and gives me this smirk, smug, go fuck yourself with his 10-year-old and walked right on the plane. And here's the deal, it was infuriating, but I also kind of envied the troll. I did. I was going to say, it's kind of like, you hate it, but you kind of like it.

I kind of thought, you know, he showed me. He did. But here's the deal. I like that he showed you, I like the troll. A 10 year old is not small children. Here's the here's the shit that I've had it with on that. Number one, you're not the boss of the borders. Right. People that work at airplane gates or work on airplanes, these are not wallflowers. These people are aggressive. These people are go getters. These people deal with the worst of humanity, day in, day out, full-time job.

They don't lollygag, they don't pussyfit, they have no problem regulating people. So why this dipshit felt like he needed to boss me around was infuriating. And then he dragged his 10-year-old into his scheme. And I had had it. But I also was kind of like, we were kind of having this war like I was like, well, I'm gonna go get in line if he's gonna tell me what to do. And he's kind of like, fuck you. I'm gonna pre-board with my kids. I'm gonna pre-board with my adult child. Maybe that's what we'll start doing. Families pre-boarding and we can bring all five of our kids, youngest one being 18, oldest 24 and we're going to pre-board family driving for children.

Oh no, he's small. He's just young. He's just tall for his age. Cathy? Yes? Have you seen these public call monitors? I have. That seems like something you might do.

100% sure you would do it. That's kind of what we're- Maybe it's you spot like something you might do. A hundred percent she would do it. You know? That's kind of not where... Maybe until you spot it, you got it. I think it might be. Here's the deal. I mean, y'all are probably right. What you wouldn't do is out loud to say it to the stranger. You'd think it, you'd whisper it to us,

but you would not go up to a stranger and be like, hey, hey, don't do this. Look at this dip trying to pre-board. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what, though. I just, I kind of do love him. He just kind of looked at you like, suck my dick, bitch. He did. He took his adult child and they pre-boarded.

And he literally looked, made direct eye contact and gave me the smug smirk. Yeah. And what are you going to do? You're just like, I want to be like, you started it. I was just doing a little gate time recon. Everybody likes to go get their eyes on the gate. Where are the lines? Where's the gate? Who's working? Who's going to be the, you know, boarding pass scanner? I like to get my eyes on it. I like to know what I'm going to be up against. Right. You know, I'll tell you what, that I really, when you said it, I was just like, you are so right. I mean, people that work for airlines, man, it's fucking complainers. Every...

It's trench warfare. Every day. Yeah. You can't walk into work and be like, hey, good morning. How are you? Can I check in for your flight? Why do I have to pay for my bag? I need to born first.

I think just to mentally prepare to work on an airplane and to work at an airport. Like, let's say that right now we all showed up here and it was an airport. I think that if I were the boss of the airport, I would say, okay, guys, listen, here's our team meeting. As we arrive, instead of being like, hey, good morning, how are you today?

Let's just walk in and be like, fuck you good morning, how are you today? Let's just walk in and be like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and who's next? That's how we're going to greet each other. People might behave better. That's how we're going to greet each other because we've got to get the right mindset because we're dealing with incompetent, entitled public that most of them act like they've never been in airport before. We have literally got to keep these people regulated. And I think you just pleasantries have to just go by the wayside. Right. No pleasantries.

I agree. Kathy, what's going on on the World Wide Web? I've got two reviews for you. This one is five stars titled, a hog tied them with their pearls. And she writes, let them titty babies clutch their pearls, taking on teeny weenies and turning them into innies. Jen with her godlike wisdom and long knockers, AKA sag and dragons, AKA pumps,

are princess of the world. That's so nice. What about taking the teeny weeny and making it an any? I like that. Oh, of course you would because you're a closet dominatrix as we've expanded on on Patreon. I just think that's just too... All I said was if my ex-husband had a ball gag, I would probably like it because he would shut the fuck up.

I wasn't saying I want to be a dominatrix, but anyway. But just because, okay, I have to let the regular listener know what's going on on Patreon. You also admitted that the idea of criticizing and humiliating MAGA men, like sexually demeaning them, was appealing to you and sounded like a fun sport. I just- Did you or did you not? I do, I do think it'd like a fun sport. I just, did you or did you not? I do, I do think it'd be a fun sport.

Right. All right, last review. It's titled whores and it's four stars. Four. And Austin writes. Wait, hang on. W-H-O-R-E-S whores, yeah. Okay, okay.

Yes, okay. It's an okay podcast. Reminds me of the Golden Girls, but I like that the scrawny one likes Hairless Cats. I don't know that we've ever received a more honest review than that. It's an okay podcast. I mean, it's okay. That's all right. It's nothing to get riled up about. Don't get too excited.

In a pinch, if you have completely finished and graduated from streaming TV and you're completely desperate to not be alone, we'll do in a pinch. Right. If you're driving cross-country from California, and you finished all of iTunes, if you've got through the whole playlist. What about I've had it? It's all right. It's all right.

OK, it's amazing. But I mean, four stars is, I think of a four star as like a B. And I just, I'm going to say again, I like that somebody called me a whore. Okay, so we got an email from Nick G and he answered the call for the meat curtain me ma attorney at law jingle. So listener, this was a couple weeks ago when we rolled out the name and branding of America's Greatest Legal Minds on the fly, mind you. That wasn't even planned.

No prep. No, zero prep for that episode. Didn't have to park it. We didn't scramble a jet. They were all completely on off an idol position. For America's Greatest Legal Minds law firm, personal injury, meet Kurt and Meemaw. And I asked Nick, our podcast musician, songwriter, rapper, to make a jingle. And he immediately delivered, did he not, Kylie? Day of?

Within 30 minutes of the episode dropping. God, you know, he's really talented, truly. That's the kind of intensity that I like. Right there. I mean, self-starter. Right. For an OK podcast, that's a pretty good turnaround rate from Nick G. For just an OK.

Imagine if we were an excellent podcast. Right. Imagine if we were five stars. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Seth, let's play Meet Kurt and Mima's jingle. Hi. Hi, you're trying to reach Meet Kurt and Mima?

Sure. She's on a quick vape break, but she'll be right back. You sound hot. What do you look like? Nice. Can I have your number? Wait a second. Here comes the jingle real quick, alright?

Hold on one sec. Yeah. One, two, one, two. Hey, you in an accident? No need to fret, you a patriot. For the claim process, you ain't gotta be uncertain. Just de-stress and think meat curtains. Even if you at fault, no need to worry the meat curtain camel so can really

flip a jury. One triple eight meat curtain meme ma get processed faster than you can say, kaka! Yes, you know, I might be ready for you. Meemaw's ready for you, baby. Woo! When you're done talking to her, I am gonna want to get your number, okay? All right. All right. Thank you.

Bye. Here she comes. Be nice to her. Just another brilliant hit. We got to get that on Spotify. We got to drop an album. That's so good. That's so good.

I mean, like, I'm probably going to smoke, smokey up my eyes, get the eyeliner and go on again. All right. So listen up, patriots, gots Gay Triots and they triates Me curtain. What does an eagle say? You're gonna take our podcast ranking from okay to poor. I'm laughing so hard. I'm sweating. That was really funny. All right, listen, we have really a spectacular

guest in store for you today. You're going to know exactly who she is. Her name is Samantha B and she's the host of the podcast Choice Words. Pumps, do you know who Samantha Bee is? Of course I know who Samantha Bee is. I used to love Full Frontal. I mean she's hilarious. She's hilarious, she's smart. I mean she's just everything you want to watch on TV. Strong female presence.

I really like her. I was going to tell you though, strong female presence. I really like her. I was going to tell you though, I did see that her podcast was with Liminata. Remember when I first saw that, I was like, does anybody know anything about this pod company, Liminata? I do remember you saying that. Just in the vein. And I do remember the other day, you were going to order an acai bowl and you left the office

and you said, Hey, hey, Jenny, do you want one of those acacia bowls? I'm like, what is an acacia bowl? Yeah, I ordered one last night. Kathy, do you know what an acacia bowl is? No, she said that to me too. I haven't heard you say it right since we corrected you either. No, I did say it right. Acai, acai, acai bowl, acai.

Right? What does an eagle say? Caw, caw. See, I can do that. All right, listen, listen, we have a very important guest. We do. We digress. Let's welcome to I've Had It Samantha Bee.

Pumps, our ability to suck and then wake up the next day and suck more than the previous day is undefeated. It's unparalleled. We are the champions. If you would like to see how bad we suck, please join us in Seattle in September or New York City in November for, you know, just some world-class shit-talking. That's right. Live. Live and in person. That's right. Hey, I've had it, listener. This episode is proudly brought to you by Lola V, an award-winning hair care line founded by the fabulous Jennifer Aniston.

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Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Your hair will thank you. Homes.com knows that when it comes to home shopping, it's never just about the house or condo. It's about the home. And what makes a home is more than just the house or property. It's the location and neighborhood. If you have kids, it's also schools, nearby parks, and transportation options. That's why Homes.com goes above and beyond to bring home shoppers the in-depth information they need to find the right home. And when I say in-depth, I'm talking deep. Each listing features comprehensive information

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That's probably why y'all listen to our podcast. You stay true to yourselves and have had it with pretending to be someone you're not. That's especially true when you're out there on the dating apps. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps. And what I love about eHarmony is it's real people for real relationships. You heard her, listener. That's why we've partnered with eHarmony

because dating on eHarmony is different. eHarmony knows that to find something real, you have to keep it real. You can't be out here trying to be some fantasy Instagram version of yourself. eHarmony is designed to help you bring out your personality on your profile with their unique personality test. They even highlight similarities with your potential matches. And that's when the magic happens when you form genuine connections and authenticity leads to intimacy. Listener, give eHarmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz so you can find

someone you can be yourself with. eHarmony, get who gets you. All right, as promised, our guest today is Samantha Bee. Samantha, how are you? I'm so great. And can I, I was, I didn't know whether to say it in the recording or not but I want to say I'm a goddamn huge fan. I love your podcast so much instant

like I was very I'm excited to be here. I'm so excited that tell you that's why I'll crazy and yes, I I just had it was so That's wild because we're huge fans. Yes. I've just had it with so many things. So I like share your feelings. Yeah. It's a very therapeutic bonding experience to shit talk with friends. I mean, it's just a unifying thing that Pumps and I, it's given our friendship so much longevity.

So I invite you to be our throuple. Yes. All right, Samantha Bee, what have you had it with? Oh, I had it with so many things, but I actually, as I was getting ready for this, I was like, I know that I reflected that I've really had it with young people fashions. Like I've totally had it.

But I was going deeper and I was like, actually what I've had it with is as a middle-aged woman, feeling like a cultural punching bag. Thank you so much. I think that my resistance to like the way that people want everybody to dress has more to do with the fact that I just feel like they want to see us in things that make us look so dumb. And they want to see us in particular, like

in just like humongous pants and a little top. And I hate it all so much. Thank you. What about the pants with the sagging crotch? Have you seen these pants? They're kind of like, I would say they hit like mid-calf. I went to a clothing store recently and they're like try these on these will look great on you and I put them on and the crotch was like down to the knees. They were like little pirate pants and I'm like is she fucking with me right now? You could break out into MC Hammer at any moment. I agree with you. They're kind of fucking with us. now? You could break out into MC Hammer at any moment. I agree with you.

They're kind of fucking with us. I think they're setting us up for ridicule. Such ridicule. I tried to, because then I heard, so I was like, OK. My daughters kept looking at me. They kept looking at my socks. And they were like, what's going on with your socks? And I was like, I don't understand what you mean.

Like, I've been wearing these socks. These are socks. They were like, what's going on with your socks? And I was like, I don't understand what you mean. Like I've been wearing these, these are socks. They were like, they're so short. They look so stupid. Like why would you go out with, they're just like little short, they're just like little athletic socks, like for athletic stuff. And so I'm hearing whispers

that we should all be wearing like long socks with our loafers, like long sweat socks with our loafers. And so I tried to pull some, I tried to do some longer socks the other day. And my husband was like, are you just wearing those because your children told you to? I was like, of course I am.

I'm gonna wear these socks. And he was like, of course I am. I'm going to wear these socks. And he was like, you look honestly homeless. He was like, I'm sorry, you're not pulling it off at all. I'm like, well, what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? I'll tell you what, there's nothing more humbling than putting an outfit on and your daughter has a comment. more humbling than putting an outfit on and your daughter has a comment. I mean, I'm either too old, too young, too tight, too loose. It's just, I could come out dressed like the Queen of England and my daughter would have a snarky comment about it. The other day she's cleaning out my closet. With all respect to your daughter, Queen Elizabeth wasn't that great of a fashionista. Well, I'm just saying, I couldn't think of anybody.

If I could come out like Cindy Crawford. Maybe Princess Diana. Princess Diana. There you go. But they just, there's nothing, like I'll come out, she's like, are you gonna wear your hair like that? Don't you think that makes you look old? I'm just like, no, I don't.

Obviously I don't because I came out and then now you're telling me I look old. I actually don't. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it one more minute. Like side parts, middle parts. I'm not trying to break a record. I'm not trying to be on the front of a man.

I'm not trying to do anything except look like a normal woman who is deserving of some attention. Like, you know what I mean? Just like the tiniest bit. Like for I'm just deserving that someone will, if I walk into a store, they will come over to me and not just like summarily reject me. But everything I do. Yeah, my daughters are like, are you, is that, that's too, that's like work wear. Like you're, you look like you're about to go into like court. And I think it's unfair. It's very unfair.

It's, it's the judging nature of it. It may be, maybe they're, I'm just going to lean into a little bit of psychological analysis here. Maybe we deserve it and maybe there's some accuracy to the criticism from the youth. Because I'm sure we were assholes when we were their age. A hundred percent. I know I was. A hundred percent.

One hundred, one hundred percent. So I guess that it's fair, but it's just, I wish that everything wasn't so like when I put it on or when I tried to go outside, I wish that everyone didn't think it was like yucky. Do you know what I mean? Like I wish that everybody was just like a little more like you, you look good. Instead of like, instead of like, ew, like the reaction is like, ew. That's when I looked, I was looking back at old pictures the other day. And when we all wore, you know, like tight jeans, like whatever, those skinny jeans and stuff. And honestly, my whole family looks at those photos of me and I'm always wearing skinny jeans. And they're like, Oh my God. They're like, Oh God, that's disgusting. That's disgusting. Why did you wear those? And I'm like, I didn't

make them up. Right. All right. Samantha, what's going on in our correspondence prior to this and your laundry list of grievances that you sent us. Okay, yeah. It came to my attention that you've got some issues with mesh shoes. And I need to know what's going on with mesh shoes. A lot of my, a lot of the things that I've had it with are fashion related today. They're like everywhere. Do you know what I'm talking about?

They're like little webbed shoes, like little netting shoes, like little netting shoes, like little like like a sieve that you wrap around your foot and put us like a Mary Jane strap on. What the fuck are you doing? Is this a fucking joke? Like are it's kind of flows off of the last thing that I'm like, this is a joke, right? Like it's like a, these are, these look awful. What about the shoes that have the little inserts for the toes? Have you seen these? They're like mesh shoes with like fingers on your feet. It's awful. Stop it. With a little Mary Jane strap I've seen. Yes. You know, I don't know what the need is to separate and define the toes in a shoe.

I thought the agreement was when you went shoe, with the exception of the flip-flop, the toes stayed together, that they weren't being separated. It's a mitten for the foot. When you start doing things that your body is not used to, such as separating your big toe from the rest of your, like giving each, giving each toe its own little cocoon, you're going to end up hurting yourself. And I don't know how. I don't even know why, but you are

because you're not used to that. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. And it looks ridiculous. It's like, are we, it is neat. You look like a Neanderthal. Yeah. You just look like a natural history museum person. We hadn't figured it out yet that you could cover the whole thing. And then we figured it out and now we're trying to undo all that work. Exactly. We had agreed that the toes stay together, the piggies stay together, they don't need to be separated. And then somebody thinks, you know what happened?

We talk about this a lot. You've got some millennials at a round table and they start using language like this. Let's pull this out of the parking lot, let's scramble the jets, let's workshop this. And that's what happened. They came up with this, this mesh shoe with separated toe cocoons. And that's what happens when millennials scramble jets. I honestly feel like they're like, what can we do to make everyone like, they're like, I, I bet no one will buy this. And

they're like, I'll take that bet. I'm gonna bet you $1,000 people will buy this if we tell them to with enough lead time. They're gonna be so into this. It's like Crocs. Like when those first came out, I was like, who the fuck would buy that? And now you can't go anywhere. You don't see them. I even had a pair myself, not the croc Crocs, but the flip flop Croc. Oh God, you did. They were wretched. They're like red.

OK, Samantha, can we talk? Can we get really petty right now? Yes. Michelle Obama always said, when they go low, we go high. And I always kind of felt like, I like that. I like that she's a better person than I am. But I kind of want right now, when they go low, I want to go lower.

I really want to fuck with these people. I want to just bully some MAGA all over Twitter. And I feel like we're finally doing it right now. And the first thing that I want to talk about that's really petty, but it's super important to me, is the fact that they trot out Kid Rock and Ted Nugent and John Voight at the RNC and Kamala has had Megan the stallion and Quavo and I just fucking love that.

My petty cold black heart just wants to tap the vein. Who's next? Which A-lister is next with Kamala? And I live for this shit, Samantha. I live for this shit too. And also, did you, like yesterday, they were like, we don't even care. We don't even need celebrities and stars at our event. And I'm like, well, that's nice for Kid Rock because he thought he was a really big deal until you shat on him. What's like, what is Dana White thinking today? He's like, I'm a star. Like you've penetrated. Hulk Hogan is so hurt. I live for this shit so hard.

I am so with you. I'm like, in a wonderful world when they go low, we go high, it works, but we do not live in that world. We do not, it just doesn't work. Well, and we lose. We lose, and they go so low, they go so low. Like they go lower than you could imagine anyone ever going. So it's not like I'm even trying to compete. You can't even compete with that as low as we're going. It's not as low as they would go. They'll go anywhere.

Right. I mean, apparently the rumor is, I've seen it, I'm sure you've seen it, their vice presidential candidate has sex with sofas. And I mean, I just, I don't like to spread rumors. I'm just repeat rumors. But you know, I mean? They've got a lot of optics issues right now that I think it's important that petty people like us keep in the forefront of voters' minds, that you have people that prefer to have sex with sofas. I think that's just an important component that the electorate needs to be made aware of at all times.

So it's vital. That is my favorite. That is one of my favorite rumors. Because true, not true. It doesn't matter at all. The fact that they have to deflect the idea that he put a rubber glove in between the cushions of his couch and wrecked it. The fact that they have to have a meeting, get together, get a PR team, scramble the jets. Everybody like, and he has to tell a whole group, he has to sit there and go, hey, I didn't put a surgical glove in between two cushions and fuck it with lube. And there's like professional people going like taking, they're like, did not pork a couch. That is so satisfying. It

just, none of it. It just doesn't matter. It's so delightful. It is top tier satisfaction for me. I actually like, I'm like, JD Vance, go live your life. Like I don't actually care. Fuck a couch. I don't care about your life. Like I don't want to change the rules for your life. Like I don't want to make the laws that you have to live under. I just want to like have my own life and live under laws that you have to live under. I just wanna like have my own life and live under laws that kind of like govern everybody sensibly. But he actually wants so many restrictions and limitations

and like thinks probably that someone like me is a complete heretic and I kinda go, well then fuck you man, I guess you fucked a couch. Exactly. I don't know. I didn't do that. Yeah. Well, and he's on the record saying that he thinks that the federal government should

monitor women if they travel out of state to seek reproductive care. And I'll remind the listener and tell you, we live in Oklahoma City where there is a total abortion ban. So we already live in Oklahoma City where there is a total abortion ban. So we already live in a Christian nationalist state. And so the way these people operate is like this. This is how fucked up these people are. If there were somebody on the Democratic side that was rumored to have fucked a couch, Ted

Cruz and Josh Hawley would be passing legislation via Mitch McConnell and they would say, we are outlawing furniture fucking. That's what they would do because they are so insane and so crazy and it makes us crazy living here. But there are tons of women and men and members of the LGBTQ plus community that live in these red states that are normal, decent fucking people that don't give a shit. If JD Vance just fucking pulls a train on couches at Ashley Furniture store, we don't give a shit. Pull your train JD. Go one sofa after another, after another.

Lube them all up. Just get the lube out, just start squirting it and then just go for it. Like wipe up after yourself. Right. Like don't plague the people at Ashley Furniture with your... Wrap it before you tap it, JD. Emissions, yeah. But like exactly. Like we don't, we're not trying to rule over his life and like change things.

So I feel that we should have at it as much as possible. And that gives me joy. It actually feeds my soul on such a petty level. Yes. Yeah. Just my favorite. Okay, Samantha Bee, we want to play a game with you. It's called Had It or Hit It. Okay, I'm ready.

Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it. Had it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Had it or hit it childless cat ladies. Oh my God. Hit it. I love childless cat ladies. I have two cats. I love them. I love childless cat ladies. Hit it for sure. Hit it, hit it hard. Agree. Love it. I don't like cats.

I don't want a cat. But because of the childless cat lady, I'm kind of thinking, if anybody needs somebody to foster a cat, I might be your gal. Like I've done a total 180 on it. I love, I feel like all the cats in shelters right now are like, wait, I hear someone calling my name. What's that? Does somebody want to take me home?

Okay, I'm going. Yeah. Okay, you'll have to educate us on this, but had it or hit it, and I might mispronounce this, auteurs. Oh, I've had it. What is it? I've just had it with like, I've just had it with like very self-important art pieces and movies that where the timeline is backwards and you have to piece together the puzzle, the three hour story that you go to the movies and you're like, oh, I think it's like, it's going to be fun. It's like, it's like a fun, like creative action movie. And then you're being forced like, no, it's a Christopher Nolan. I need the movies now to be either one hour and 30 minutes

or one hour and 45 minutes and absolutely no longer because you've told all the story you need to tell. Now you're just like wanking and you can't do backwards timelines or do anything overly artistic anymore. It is so overdone. I agree with that. I like the time limit. I agree with that. Also this is something that I think all people in the movie business need to consider. You need to consider the bladder. Right. All right. We want people to still visit movie theaters and not stream from home and we want to keep that alive. Yeah. Consider

the bladder when you're grandstanding with your script and you're grandstanding with your crew and you're grandstanding in the editing room. Start cutting the fat and think can the person pee before the movie sit through this entire thing and then go pee after. Because when you have to pee in the middle of the movie, when I see a three hour movie time, now I say I'm going to wait for it to come out on stream and I'm not going to go to the movie theater anymore. And I need things to motivate me to get out of my house because I really like being at home, especially right now on Twitter, reading about the pettiest of political news as priorly discussed. Yes, I need, if you can't tell us a movie story in an hour and 45 minutes, then you're

just not a good enough storyteller and you need to get half of me. I can do it. Others can do it too. You need an editor and you need someone who me, I can do it, others can do it too. You need an editor and you need someone who's saying no to you. Those things are so critical. You need a no person in your life. You need a good friend who's like, no, stop it. And I can be that person, I don't have to be.

I just need that. Everybody needs someone who's like, that was fucked up. You did a bad job. Everybody needs that person. I don't have to be. I just need that. Everybody needs someone who's like, that was fucked up. You did a bad job. Everybody needs that person. Yeah, I was gonna say she's my that person. Okay, last one. Had it or hit it, Kamala Harris. Oh, hit it.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. So excited. I did just a whole Zoom last night, like one of those like big Zooms, everybody's just like vibrating with excitement. So I'm into her. I've always thought she would make a really great president.

Like even when she announced, when she was running for president years ago, I really like her. I like her personally. I've met her a whole bunch of times. And I was like, she's really funny. I like her laugh. She's awesome her a whole bunch of times. And I was like, she's really funny. I like her laugh. She's awesome.

She's strong. She's smart. She's strong. She's powerful. Has she been the president before? No, of course not. Will she learn the job? Of course.

I think she would be great. And I swear if there was something that I could do, if there I would do literally anything to make it happen. Yeah. That she could be the president because I have to let go. I cannot believe that we are even having the conversations that we're having to have about the other. Agreeing guy. No, it's we talk about the whole, the other side. It's just, it's breathtaking incompetence and it's just really, you know, it's, it's breathtaking incompetence and taking and it's just really you know it's it's an alternate universe. It is a complete just for grins and giggles just so I know what's going on on the other side. At least

once every couple of days I type in FoxNews.com on my phone to see what their headlines are so I can realize what these people are being fed because they just don't see anything outside of that and the headlines are. So I can realize what these people are being fed because they just don't see anything outside of that. And the headlines are so sexist and so racist. It's like Kamala's nasty past catches up with her. And I'm like, Oh my God, nasty past. She won't talk about a nasty past. Let's look at Cheeto fucker for a little bit and then we'll move on to sofa fucker. Let's look at their nasty past. I mean it just pisses me off. I know it is just like willful, just like willful blindness and people still talking about the fact that he's like a successful

businessman. Oh I know. He's no one has ever bankrupted more businesses. He's very dumb. He's very dumb. Very dumb. Yeah the business business man thing, I just, it goes all through me. I'm like, this fucker inherited half a billion dollars and he has gone broke so many times. And for somebody that doesn't need your money, I've never seen a grift. I've never seen tennis shoes, Bibles, coins, gold bars, Maggahas. I mean, it's just like, you're the biggest fucking grifter. Like Joel Olsteen is the competition for him. Bibles, coins, gold bars, MAGA. I mean, it's just like, you are the biggest fucking grifter. Like Joel Olsteen is the competition for him.

Yeah, it's really incredible. I'm like, even if you took, like, if you cut away everything, like if you lived, like if you were in a coma for the last 10 years and you don't know what happened, and you woke up and people just told you one sliver of a thing. If you woke up from your coma and people were like, there's a man who's running for president and he never pays his contractors.

I'd be like, that person should never be president. It's just like a droplet. It's just like a droplet. It's a small thing that's a hugeplet. It's just like a droplet. And I mean, that's such a, it's a small thing. That's a huge thing. That's a practice. And we can start listing those right now, Sam and Not Finish. I mean, it could be an entire podcast series, four seasons, five seasons. It could be the nightmare three hour episodes, movie style that you despise. And we could just go and go and go with no bathroom breaks,

with reckless disregard for the bladder, because it's unbelievable how morally bankrupt this man is. And it's so depressing. Yeah, how many millions of Americans go, that's my guy. Yeah, love him. That's my guy, love him. What a looker, he's my guy. Yeah, love him. That's my guy. Love him. And what a looker. He's very handsome, smart, gorgeous.

This is why I feel like I'm breathless with excitement for Kamala Harris because, you know, that's part of it. I'm excited for her on her own merits though. Right. Oh, same. We interviewed her. She's as sharp as a tack. Oh great. When you meet her in person, she has a very commanding presence. So we're so excited and we're so happy that we had you on our pod. And I'm just shocked that you knew who we were. I know.

Before you came on. More than knowing who you are. Like I embrace what you're doing. I love your show. I think you're great. Thank you so much. This has been a real treat. Thank you so much for being here. It has been a real treat. It has been a treat. What a treat.

What a treat. I'm wearing my astronaut diaper. I made it all the way through. All the way through. Bye, Samantha Bee. Have a great day. Okay. I really love Samantha Bee and it kind of freaked me out that she was like, I'm a huge fan of yours. I was so stunned because we both, when she got on, we were both like, like stupid people. Yeah. Well, I mean, we were totally. Well, right. But I mean, more so than even normal.

Yeah. Yeah, we were especially moronic. We weren't okay. We were below average. Yeah. Below average. She's great. She's so funny. The dry delivery is just it's a it's an avenue straight to my heart. Yeah. She's great. Yeah. All right. Listen up, listener. We are going to be in Seattle in September,

the New York Comedy Festival in November. going to be in Seattle in September, the New York Comedy Festival in November. And check us out on our YouTube page for hot takes on politics all the time on IHIP news on our main YouTube channel, Pumps. Tell them. Okay, Chris is in my head now. Chris Pride Flag is in my head. We'll see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We'll see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It just doesn't roll off like it used to. It just doesn't. You nailed it.

I know. I know what you do. We'll It just doesn't. You nailed it. I know. I know what you do. We'll see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Caw-caw. That'll do it. That'll do it. Do it. Okay, I'm going to do it so serious.

We'll see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Caw-caw! I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's share it. I've had it with them. I've had it with them. I've had it with them. I've had it with them. I've had it with them. I've had it with them. I've had it with. Let's hear it. I've had it with that.