I've Had It - You Can't Babysit Your Own Kids

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Jennifer and Pumps go down the rabbit hole of Boomer Facebook, reading all the hilarious and highly unsuccessful attempts the generation makes at using the platform. The girls also listen to your submissions, which leave *Jessica* and Pumps tearing up in laughter.  Thank you to our sponsors: Jenni Kayne: Find your forever pieces @jennikayne and get 15% off with promo code HADIT at jennikayne.com! #jennikaynepartner Hint Water: Visit hintwater.com to get $1 a bottle with free shipping, when you order 3 cases. That's 36 bottles for $36 plus free shipping. Just use code HADIT at checkout. Subscribe to our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/IveHadItPodcast Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps

So we're supposed to start the podcast. One, two, three. Try again. Okay? One, two, three. Better. All right, better. You sure are dolled up today?

Well, dolled up. For you, I mean, you are dolled up. Listener, if you listen to us, you may want to hop on over to YouTube so you can get your eyes on this hot piece of acid next to me, pumps, and her little black ruffle-sleeved mini dress. Yes.

Hooker red lips. This is my new lipstick. I like it. Do you like it? I like a Hooker red. I like a Hooker red too, but I didn't think this was. Don't mean to hookers. No, I love a good Hooker, but I'm just saying, I didn't think it was hooker red. I like a hooker red too, but I didn't think this was. Don't be mean to hookers. I love a good hooker, but I'm just saying,

I didn't think it was hooker red. I have hooker red, but maybe I was wrong. Well, I want to welcome everybody to, I've had it. My name is Jennifer. I'm Angie. And we call her pumps. And there is some debate as to who is the store of the show. Some people say pumps.

Some people say me, please go to Apple and write a review after you give us five stars and place your votes. For who is the star of the show because it can't be both of us. Why? Star is singular. Okay. All right. So, I want to listen or we're going to do something fun

today. We're going to take your voice mimos. But before we get into all of that, Kylie and Richard are here and I want to address a very serious issue facing America right now. It is very serious and it is the issue of boomers on Facebook. It is a huge problem. Huge problem. I mean, they are over there wound up like cheap clocks. They do not know how to operate the device, right? The app.

And it is a disaster, an absolute disaster. So Kylie and I have been scrolling the internet trying to find examples of this. Okay. So, I'm gonna start off, all right. Joan did her Facebook page, and then in her bio, which is supposed to give a description of herself, right?

She writes, I recently learned I have been taking the wrong medication for some time. Well, Jim, thank you for letting us know that. That's her bio. Like, yours would be like, star of I've had it, you know, hotter than Jennifer. Hatter than Jennifer. But hers is just about her medication. That's it. Nothing else. Exactly. Here's another one.

Thelma writes, and this is cat blocks. I love God, my family, my president, and my country. I have high blood pressure. Oh my gosh. She was doing fine. You know, you know, who's the worst boomer on social media ever? Who? Donald Trump.

For sure. I mean, he is the worst. But he's the most entertaining because he's such a lunatic. The 3 AM cap-block tweets that are always misspelled. Totally misspelled. And they don't understand. We're first to him, self-in-third person and puts quotations around his name.

I have always. No, no wing that he's owning himself when he does that. He puts president Trump in quotes. And that's like kind of saying, wing, wing, not really president. I just love how many crimes he admits to in all of his social, I mean, like as an attorney, if he were my client, I would have to fire him immediately.

I think they all have. Because he just rats himself out time after time after time. Okay. Kylie, what did you find about these, what do they call it, gray book? Gray book. Is that like old people on Facebook? You know, I read an article before we started

and that was written in the Atlantic that Facebook realizes they have a demographic problem because it's mainly people like 50 and older that are on it. Do you guys have Facebook? I do not have a Facebook. I have one. And I use it for investigative purposes. So you like stock other people on it.

Like if somebody is like, no, I support the stocking. Like, hey, do you know such and such? I'm like, let me look and then I can look. Okay. Kylie, who did you find? I've got Bob who just wanted to leave someone a really nice birthday wish. Okay. He writes, happy birthday, buddy. Bad news. Harold died. birthday buddy bad news Harold died. Wait, that was like he wished somebody a happy birthday and then just followed it up with somebody died. Yeah, all in one sentence. Only a comma in between.

I think you just get to an age where it's like, Hey, happy birthday, another one bit the dust. Yeah, I think that's true. Okay, Dolores, and this is her bio, her Facebook bio, about her section. She writes, I do not give Facebook permission to print anything off my computer.

First of all, Dolores, I'm just gonna bet there is nothing on your computer that would be salacious enough for anybody to care. My favorite part about this, though, is she thinks Facebook is mining her information to print it. That's what Zuckerberg's doing. He's just getting everybody's information.

He's printing it and then putting it at Facebook headquarters. They're not printing shit. This is Doris. Here's her stuff. All the stuff off her computer. Yeah, she looks like a Dolores. Okay, here's one. This is hilarious. Okay, so somebody posts like in the marketplace on

Facebook, two beds, one bath house. Okay, and Ruth responds, good evening. Is this available? And the person that is trying to rent the house says, yes, it is. And then Ruth responds, please leave me alone. We are sleeping. What? Then the person that's running the space responds question mark. And Ruth puts no more contacting please. Thanks. Appreciate. Why did she write back in the beginning? And then the person says, you contacted me. She says, I know. I'm no longer interested. Please stop contacting me now. I will contact the attorney general if you do not stop. What? What a nice.

I mean, that's fucking bananas. Like she's going to contact Marik Garland and be like, Hey, here's the deal. Somebody's harassing me at Facebook, but I started it. Right. I started it. Do you remember my ex has been used to constantly call me and say, I just want you know, I'm going to be too busy to talk on the phone. And I'm like, you called me.

Like, like I would give a shit, like I would call you. I remember that time, your ex-husband. So we both have the same audio visual person. Right. And he names all of our Wi-Fi's like FBI surveillance van and that's your house number. Right. So he's over at your new house and he sets up the Wi-Fi. And your ex-husband comes home and he sees this Wi-Fi name, FBI surveillance van. So he calls the federal bureau of investigation and says, hi, this is such and such. I live on such and such street. Do you guys have a surveillance van in the area?

Like anybody that was at the FBI would call it FBI surveillance. I mean, there's so many ridiculous things. And I want to remind you, you had three kids with him. Triple damn. Triple damn. Triple damn. Nobody ever said I was smart. I think you're smart. Thank you.

That was a huge lapse that. Okay, Kylie. Ethelposa status that just says, price for applesauce at Walmart. She then comments on her own status. Apple sauce price Walmart. What? Help. Price for applesauce at Walmart.

Sauce made from apples at Walmart. I need the price for applesauce at Walmart. Oh, is not the goggle. My bad. She thought it was the goggle. And these are all separate comments. She's still going. Search Google for applesauce price at Walmart. She then tags someone she knows and says, help me search Apple Sauce price at Walmart, which they respond. www.google.com. And she says, thank you. Love grandma.

Her sweet little granddaughter just to have to help her out. So sweet. So sweet. OK, but I think the bigger question is, why is she googling the price of applesauce at Walmart? Who knows? I mean, she's retired, boarded tears, and probably is price-shopping something.

I mean, you got to come up with something. It's better than her sitting around watching fucking Fox News. Oh, that's true. Okay, here's speaking of grandmothers. Here's one. And this is her bio. Again, I have nothing to say in what is new

All I know is I have a very unpleasant granddaughter Love her She's I mean she's had it with her granddaughter. Okay, Holly D. Post Facebook please put pictures from Christmas on here What Mike says grandma? what are you talking about? Holly says, I'm trying to put the pictures from Christmas on the Facebook, but it won't work. Okay, here's one.

Somebody like posts an article and it says, Aldi, the little grocery store. Aldi goes fully organic, bands pesticides and rivals whole foods as health little grocery store, Aldi goes fully organic, bands pesticides and rivals whole foods as healthiest grocery store. Betty responds twice. Her first response says, I love this store and hate to hear this. She sounds like somebody we would be friends with.

I would not be friends with her. Here's her second comment. And she says, I don't want to pay the prices. And fruit doesn't last as long. And the Lord is returning soon. Okay, I don't want to be a friend anymore. You and your new best friend, Betty, can have fun during the rapture.

And I'll be down here with the normal people. Yeah, but I'm just saying like, I respect somebody that's like I've had it with all the past decided, nor gain. I, I guess I am. Science on that is sound. I just don't. I know, but you also drink 95 ounces of stevia and vape all day long I have no stevia in that by the way. Well, let's have a god damn parade. I've had it studio

I would like for you to drop Anymore Kylie Yes, Lorna was trying to reach her son. She says, hello, Daniel, this is your mother. How do I get back onto my Facebook page? Isn't she on her Facebook page? Yes. She did not send it to Daniel. She sent it to the Avaan and Somerset police department, which they kindly responded. Hi, Daniels mom. This is the police. If you click the little arrow icon in the top right hand corner of the page, it should give you an option to log out.

You will then be able to log back into your own account. You can thank us later, Daniel. I love the police doing that. That's a great response. Support for today's episode comes from Jenny Kane. Jenny, what did your boys get you for Mother's Day? Well, pumps, as you know, Josh has incredible tastes, but I don't want to go on about that because I've got to keep his ego beaten down. But nonetheless, he did nail my Mother's Day gift.

Well, that's no shock. He has a great taste. I got the most amazing Kashmir knit sweater from Jenny Kane that I'd been secretly hinting at for weeks. Shut up. I love Ginny Kane. The pieces are simple, stylish, comfortable, and chic. Every time I wear something from Ginny Kane, I get non-stop compliments. Well, Pops, is the star of our show?

It is incredibly important that you wear things like this so that you stay the hot one. And now you have Jenny Kane to thank for that. I sure do. To find your forever pieces, visit jennycane.com. Our listeners get 15% off your first order when you use code had it at checkout. That's 15% off your first order J-E-N-N-I-K-A-Y-N-E.com promo code had it. Mom, it's your month. So treat yourself. Okay. So I also did a little troll of my mother's Instagram. Okay. And my mother, I bought her a really cute pair

of like animal print sneakers. And she posted a picture of them on her Instagram and she wrote, Jennifer, I woke up from nap and putting away Christmas things. Did I leave cheetah shoes at your place? If not, they must be in truck, ricks out with the dogs now. Again, thanks.

They're so cute. Wait, she put this on her Facebook Instagram. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Did she think she was texting you? I don't know, but here's my favorite one on my mother's Instagram. She posts a picture of her dog, and she writes,

Sandy, here's Bentley. Look how he turns his head when Rick talks to him. And then Sandy responds, oh my God, they are so cute. How old are they? Have fun at the park babies? Hi, Rick. And my mom responds, that's a beautiful ice skating rink. So my son's Dylan and Roman, like they every time they're with her.

And my mother has, as you know, an incredibly dry sense of humor. And as a very cool grandmother, but they always like get her phone and hack into her Instagram. And so they'll post pictures like he'll post a picture of Tony her other grand sentence. But doesn't my granddaughter Margaret look great? My mother gets so furious. She's like y'all are trying to make me look like I'm old in senile. No, but the nap in the cheetah she's she is going to be furious with fury sharing this mother you are hip. Yeah, you are cool, but your Instagram usage is somewhat aging you. Yes, yes, just to touch. Yes. Well, listener, now we are going to move on to one of our

favorite parts of our show, which is hearing from you all. Yes. And Kylie has lined up. She's picked some winners, because everybody sends these voice memos to our Instagram. So if you would like to be featured, just send a voice memo to our Instagram feed. But Kylie, who is our first contestant? Okay. Up first, we've got Joy Kay. contestant. Okay, up first we've got Joy Kay. Hi, Jennifer Poms. My name is Joy. I'm calling you from Nigeria and I totally love your podcasts. But I've had it. I've had it with own solicited advice. Like, what would you advise me? Don't

do that. If I wanted advice, I know where the hell to get it. Your life is not even near as good as mine. Are you giving me advice? Nah. Please keep your advice. I've totally had it. She is so right. She's so right. That unsolicited advice is unwelcome everywhere, including Nigeria.

Right. How exciting we have on this very line. I mean, what? I'm like so excited about that. That is so amazing. And we were a sucker for, I mean, a non-American accent. Yes. Love and we are like, we are totally in.

You know what my favorite part of that whole thing was though? Not only did she not want unsolicited advice, but then she made the point to say, my life's better than yours anyway. So that's great. Yeah. I mean, I don't like solicitations in any form. As we all know, I have an ongoing problem with my office door. And I solicited people coming in to my office either lost or trying to pedal something on me. And then if we were to get to, you know, like somebody just offering me advice on how to do this podcast,

or which probably we need, and I was like, should I listen to, right? But, or how to run my interior design design business or how to be a better mother, I would just be like, fuck off. Right. The unsolicited advice about your kids. I mean, I think that's a tricky one. I mean, if I said, Hey, I've got this problem with one of my kids and I opened it up for discussion. That's one thing. But for you just say, Oh my God, I saw your kid and blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's like a friendship, Inder you just say, oh my God, I saw your kid and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's like a friendship-ender, Peary. Right. Right. Like, day away from my kids. Yeah. When you can call me everything in the book, all that don't care. But start giving me advice on my kids, then we will hate each other's guts

by the time we're done. Okay, who's next? Next, we've got Nari. I just want to say I love y'all's podcast so much. I am in love with Jessica in pumps like oh my god What I have had it with for my whole fucking life is when I send a text message Everything's in the message. It's detailed. It has my grievances what I want to happen what I want at what actions I want to follow this text message. And the

motherfucker responds with what? What do you mean by that? What do you mean what? Bitch, read the message over. I have had it with people who do not use context clues or even just common sense when reading a fucking text message. I could not agree more. Jess, what do you think? Look at Kylie over there. I mean, she's super out of her stuff. Just like the cat that ate the cat. Let's see what it is.

So Kylie's the one that if you really want your grievance to be aired, you've really got to suck up to her in the DMs. So Kylie obviously heard her call me Jessica, which is a total dunk. I get it. I mean, it's a total. Y'all are totally dunking on me and it is hilarious. And I know y'all are going to call me Jessica forever now. I won't remember long enough to call you Jessica past today. Kylie will 100% Kylie's young and sharp. But she is right about when you send a detailed text. It's unbelievable. You know what a detailed text is followed up with? A stupid question always. So that whole saying and we're going to repeat a lot

of things here that we're trying to eliminate from this planet. And one thing is stupid questions. So if somebody sends you a very detailed text where they've answered every imaginable question in the text and you respond with a question, there's a 99.9% chance that you're asking a stupid question. Right. And repetitive. Right. Here's the deal.

I will say, I send very detailed text sometimes and nothing makes me more furious than when the person calls me and then regurgitates the text for example. Okay, so you want me to blah, blah, blah. Yes, that's why I said that in the text. Right. Okay, and so to do that, I need to blah, blah, blah. I'm just like, can you not fucking read? Like, what is the deal?

However, when someone sends me a detailed text of like exactly what I need to know, I love it. I mean, I'm just like, thank you. Right. Thank you so much. So I don't understand when people initiate a phone call to talk about the text, when it makes everybody's life easier just to read it Maybe read it twice. We have two things colliding here. Okay. What are they a yak mouth for a stupid question? Right, right?

Yeah, if you send me a very detailed text with all the pertinent information that I need and then I follow up to grandstand about my information that I need. And then I follow up to grandstand about my comprehension of the text. It is a yak mouth. And then if I ask a question that you've already, I think in legal circles, you call this asked and answered. Yes, right? Totally. Objection. What's even worse though, is when they act like the question wasn't answered in the text. Right. I mean, do you think it's rude just to be like, did you not read it? Because if you read the text, you'll see.

I think at this stage in the publishing of this podcast, I think we've really flown right by rude. I mean, I think that's in the rearview mirror. I think we are like now going to be straight to asshole island with all these mother-fuckers going down with this. Right. That's okay. Yeah. I'm okay to be on asshole island. Yeah. I'm not going to let. I didn't even listen to the rest of her thing. I like didn't even know what the topic was. I'm glad it was good. Did you and Anna

pick that together? She said Jessica and I was like done. Yeah, was Anna for sure. Yeah, so a listener Anna is Kylie's girlfriend whom I adore precious and I know that the two of you Just probably sat there and just giggled with Judy the dog and y'all thought it was the funniest fucking thing ever And I'm dying now for someone to call pumps the wrong name But see you have this iconic nickname. It's probably not going to happen. Sometimes they call you Pump, which is singular, which is not as good as somebody called me Jessica. What my name is Jennifer. It's a fuck you, fuck the collar, even though I love your hat it. Fuck Kylie, fuck Anna. Just fuck everybody. Richard just might throw you in for good measure, guilt by association for doing the sound.

Okay, everybody. Richard just gonna throw you in for good measure, guilt by association for doing the sound. Ha ha ha ha. Poor Richard, you're gonna do a damn thing. Ha ha ha. Okay, next we've got Lauren P. Hi ladies, I've had it with automatic toilet flushers. I can't fucking stand being splashed

with bacteria getting festive water. I didn't consent to it. I wasn't finished peeing or pooping. I wasn't done. How does a motion detector get to dictate when my toileting journey is over? It's ridiculous and I've had it. Sounds like she's potting in public places. Puping in public places. Aren't you a public place, Pupr? I mean, aren't you a public place, Cooper? I mean, only fits an emergency. See, I can squeeze that ass like nobody's home.

All the way home. Oh, yes. But I'm just going to say and everybody's going to be mad at me and the people on YouTube. I've seen your comments like we're going to start a timer when Jennifer mentions pickleball. So here's the moment. Okay. 30 minutes in.

30 minutes in. Here's the moment. At the place where I play pickleball. They have those automated flushing things, right? But they don't fucking work. So every time you go into the restrooms, everybody's pee and toilet paper is just sitting there because there's no lever and it has like a digital like red button. So you just assume that it's an auto flesher. Right. It's a racket because there's a green button on the toilet that you have to manually push. It is masquerading as an automated toilet and in fact it is not. It's

some button pushing public toilet. I don't like to touch things in restrooms. So I have to get my pickleball shoe up, push the little button in, and then you're lucky that you can push the button in with your foot. Oh, I mean, pops. I'm an athlete. Okay.

I'm not like, like your finger, you know, most buttons are about finger size, like that you could actually, I didn't know. Again, I'm an athlete. All right. so I mean, I know that that's impressive and Everybody on YouTube can fuck off too Okay, you know what's the worst about that? I will say if I have to choose between a little splash on my ass Or walking into a public toilet and having poop in it. I think I'll do this splash on the ass I mean it just every time I

if that happens, I just gag. It's awful. Oh, it's just horrible. The public restroom situation, I mean, if I've said it once, I'm just going to go ahead and say it again, we need to invest more money in this. There is just not enough cleaning enough and people, here's a grievance that I have. If you're in a public restroom and you wash your hands and they happen to have that, you know, brown recycled paper instead of the dryer, go ahead and get it, dry your hands off and then do a wipe down of the sink.

Right down the counter, I always do a wipe down. I don't know what a wipe down. Yes. If you have the availability of a towel, go ahead and clean it up. Make sure your stall is clean. Right. And if you have taken a fucking stage five greaser in a public toilet, stay in the stall until you know that motherfucker is down the drain for God's sake.

Preach. That is the... I have had it. That is the advantage. I have had it. I mean, that is so. I'm like, who would not double check that it was fleshing? What kind of, what kind of sociopath is out there leaving a fucking greaser in the toilet? It's horrible. It's horrible.

What on earth is going on? I know. It's bad. It's so bad. It is awful. But I mean, if I think about greasers, I do remember one of our first dates. Right, but I was pregnant.

I don't give a shit, but I flushed it. Our first date, and if we've mentioned this on the podcast before, I'm sorry, it's a great story. It's right there with the teaspoon up the ass. So we were going to go look at plumbing fixtures, I believe, for your kitchen, because pumps hired me to redesign her kitchen. And she's driving in this white suburban that I affectionately referred to as the Petri dish. Right. Because I just germs and kids chicken nuggets and carseeds and shit everywhere. And she's like, oh my god, I've got a poop. I've got a poop, I've got a poop. She turns into firestone and there's like a person behind the counter and then right

next to it is a bathroom and she goes in and it is like a nuke bomb. Lie to the guy, say you're looking for your mother, right? Go and drop a bomb, do you think you heard it? No, I don't think you heard it. But I mean, it was bad design that the cap, like the pay counter and the toilet were just right there. And I'd started in with the lie

before I knew that the bathroom was right next to him. Yeah. I thought I would just like sneak back to the back toilet, but no, it was bad. Yeah. I probably would, if, no, I wouldn't have thought he heard it. I would have put the water on. Yeah. And I damn sure would not have left a floater

That's awful. I've never heard of it a greaser Grocery's term for it. I've ever heard yeah, yeah, it is grace It is grace, but it is gross And the thing that we're talking about you kids like putting you know lipstick on a pig right you can't you can't it is a it is a Greaser Kylie I I have a problem Pitten, you know, lipstick on a pig. Right, you can't, you can't do it. It is a greaser, Kylie. I have a problem, listener. It's a really big problem. People that I have in my life have a toddler-like

compulsion to poop. One of them is pumps, and the other one is Josh. And they both, when they have to poop, there's no ability to squeeze the ass tight and hold it in I mean I can hold it for hours. Oh, I can't to the ends of the earth I will not shit in a public toilet. I just will not fucking do it You got a high-end tight asshole right you do I definitely do I do I can't I have a very high and very tight ass whole I do. I can't. I have a very high and very tight ass hole.

Listener, you know how I feel about oversized beverages and the ridiculous amount of sweet tea and sugar pumps is ingesting daily. And I just want to reiterate how disgusting and unhealthy I think it is for the permanent record. Actually, Jenny, for the permanent record, I haven't been drinking as much sweet tea and have stopped using artificial sweeteners. What? You will be thrilled to know that I have finally taken your advice and switched to drinking hit water.

Hit water is pure, fruit-infused water that satisfies my sweet craving and I already feel so much better. This is a huge relief, both for me and your kidneys. I know, and Hint water has zero sugar, calories, and no artificial sweeteners. They have many great flavors. Blueberry lemon is my favorite.

I am so proud of you, Pumpers. I knew you would be. You can buy hemp water at retail stores like Walmart, Target, or Croaker, or you can have it delivered right to your door by ordering from hintwater.com. New customers can get hemp water for just a dollar a bottle with free shipping when they order three cases. That's 36 bottles for $36 plus free shipping. Just use code, had it at checkout. Okay, up next we've got someone with the username,

Kitty Pop Off. This is gonna make me sound like a joyless cunt. By my defense, I am one. I've had it up to the tits with the electric scooter, the bird scooter, the lime scooter, whatever the fuck it's called. There is dignity in a city bike, there is dignity in a certified Italian on an actual Vespa, this is neither. At my present station life childless, there is no reason for me to ever come within a meter of this cartoon method of transportation. And I thought that that was part of a larger social contract. So tell me why first thing in the fucking

morning on my way to work, there's a little business man, you know, careening down the street, which is for vehicles in front of me, you know, necktie, billowing out behind him, this has got to be some sort of dark humiliation ritual and he's made me party to it without my consent. I fucking had it. I love the self-described joyless cat. And what about a certified Italian? I love that.

I don't know if that's bad. They get a complete pass, total pass, total pass. Italians get a pass for almost everything. Yeah, French, share. I mean, one of the greatest loves of my life is this tennis player named Mateo Baratini. Right. And if you don't follow this guy on Instagram, go checking out right fucking now. And you can thank me later because even men think he's hot.

Yeah. Kylie, you know what I'm talking about? No. You don't? Well, you've never looked at her Instagram then. Do you follow me on Instagram? You're blocked. You're blocked.

I'm telling you, this guy is, if he, okay, here's the deal. I wonder if Kitty Pop-off, I wonder if the guy was hot, if it would make a difference. Because it sounds like she's seeing like dorky men. Right. Trying to be cool. Here's the deal though. Nobody should be on that with the car and the same thing with the car.

Aren't they outlawed all those things outlawed? In big cities, it's kind of chaos. Yeah, I remember we were in like Santa Monica and it's been a while, but the kids in Josh and Aaron Santa Monica and everybody had the scooters and we got some and we wrote them around. But I can see how it would just be incredibly grating to see grown men with their backpack and their tie.

I mean, it probably looks like a bunch of Mormons, you know. Yeah, no, I would think it would, like it makes me nervous for a motorcycle to be by me when I'm driving. So that would particularly make me nervous. Yeah, I think that because we live in Oklahoma city, we don't experience, I see these deals downtown. Are they downtown? Yeah, I've ridden quite a few.

Are you drunk when you do it? No, that's illegal. Bumps. I've been pulled over on one before though. I've rea- You were pulled over on a scooter. Did you take a breathalyzer? No. Why are you saying? Why are you asking if she took a breathalyzer? Her mother listens to this podcast for God's

saying. Oh my God. Mother, I was sober. She was sober. Don't call sober. Nobody is taking a breathalyzer if Kylie on the scooter. Well, but if they pulled her over, are they just breathalyzing everyone? Is this what happens to you when you get pulled over? You breathalyzed constantly counts. No, no, no, no, no, but I'm just saying like if they pulled her over, I don't know. I just assume most people on Vespas are drunk. Contact pumps, attorney at law. For all of your DUI needs, she specializes in family law. But if you were drunk on a scooter, call pumps.

Yeah, I just, I didn't know people read they said what? She will demand the cops, give you a breathalyzer. Brethren, I said what? Yeah, no, I'm not coordinated enough to even ride one of those, so I've never been on one. It's an electric scooter. I know, but you know how uncoordinated I am. I want a bundle of underwear.

So I just, I avoid them like crazy. Okay. Okay, up next I avoid them like crazy. Okay. Okay, next we've got Catherine M. Okay. I was on a flight recently and reminded of this, I've had it unfortunately, which is people who insist on clapping when an airplane lands. Like thunderous applause, like the pilot has just given the performance of their lifetime. Like it's freaking 1902 and they're the right brothers up there peddling their little legs on a

hamster wheel to ensure that we don't crash into the Rocky Mountains. It's just like what was the alternative? What are we clapping for? The pilot is just doing their job. I didn't sign up to die today. Thank you very much. And I just feel like this goes back to our society's obsession with celebrating mediocrity. And this case literally applauding mediocrity. And I freaking had it enough. She just got you right where you live in your sweet spot. Are you ready? I'm ready. Are you ready? I'm ready. Jenny's gonna blow. Jenny's gonna blow. I have fucking had it with people celebrating other people

doing their fucking jobs also praising normal behavior for example I showed up on time to work today and Then there's this pregnant pause where they're waiting for people to clap and say, great job. Good for you. When our kids were younger, I remember Josh used to say, I babysit the kids last night. There's nothing worse than that.

Motherfucker, no you didn't. You're simply living your life in your home with the people that you made, with your family. There's no fucking babysitting your own kids. Now, you cannot babysit your own children, bragging about putting dishes in the dishwasher. I remember I used to always say, I mean, is there a parade down in Whipper Will

for doing a load of laundry? Like I do 10 a day. Like I can't hear about your great achievement of emptying the dishwasher. Listener, one thing you have to know about me is I'm an incredibly punctual person, very much so. And being on time to me is a sign of respect, both for time and for other people,

and both things I value, I value time, and I value people with whom I spend time. Somebody that is on this podcast with me, that is also on the photograph of the podcast with me. But she'll remain nameless, whom I will not out on this podcast, shows up to things late. She shows up to events late. And for years, she knows because I'm looking at my watch, like say we're supposed to meet somewhere at four four or five Girls around and then all of a sudden I just laser lock on the entrance to the restaurant and steam is just starting to come all over me I mean anybody else could be late and I'm not going to be that mad about it

But if it's her it just really gets in my crawl so she comes in she immediately senses the lasers she comes in, she immediately senses the lasers, to completely divert her eyes away from me. Makes a huge to-do to everybody says, hello, hello to everybody, and then sits down and I'm like, are you not gonna say hello to me? She's like, well, hi. And then like the next week we have to meet and she'll show up, like say it's 2 p.m.

She'll show up at like 202 and she'll go, I was on time today. I think two minutes is within the realm of on time. Two minutes is two minutes late. Okay, we're off to topic. No, you brag when you're two minutes late. I know, but I because I used to be 30 minutes late or 15 minutes. This is what I'm talking about. She's bragging about normal. I think this is what the caller. I knew this is what she said It was perfectly we were talking about we're talking about you. We were talking about other stuff And I've completely it's a pivot it's talking about it. It's a total pivot and we're talking about what an asshole

You are and how myself and the caller in particular has had it Well, Jessica, I appreciate that. I was trying to chew better. I think the only people that clap on a plane are Southwest. I just feel like that's right. I think Southwest is one of the worst offenders, but I've been on flights where people start clapping. And it's just, I know, if I'm the pilot,

I would probably be up there like, shut the fuck up. I landed a plane, I do it all the goddamn time. You know, it's just not a clappable action. No, landing a plane if you are a pilot for a commercial airliner is not a clappable action. We shouldn't be so impressed that you did it. Right, I mean, it's like,

do you, at the end of going to the grocery store after the clerk rings you up, do you stand there in clap? No, I do not. That's a very valid point. Right. When you go to Starbucks and the barista makes your coffee, do you clap for them? I do not. Right. I don't really go to Starbucks. Well, I'm, for example, for example, she's always caught up in the semantics of everything. I'm just always just a detail person. Just a detailed

Tarty ass bitch for mail. All right, all right, I have to move on. Okay, next we've got Becky F. Okay, ladies, I had to stop the podcast right in the middle of Asin, nose out because I have some thoughts here. I drive a minivan. Thank you very much. I know, fuck off. I have three kids. I bought it on Facebook at two o'clock in the morning when I was breastfeeding my third child.

And that's where I am in life. I always park Asin, nose out. And here's why I can't fucking see what's going on in front of me and my camera is the only thing I rely on. So whether I look like a Bozo or not, I just needed to let you know, there are people in the world doing this because they have no depth of perception

and rely on these goddamn cameras to make us Asin knows out. Love you. She's great. I love her. I love her because she just completely undershit. I owned it, I bought it's out. Love you. She's great. I love her. I love her. She just completely undershed. She just owned it.

I bought it at 2 a.m. I was breastfucking. She's through when I fuck you. I like her. I mean, that's the sign of a good friend, because we tell each other to fuck off all the time. Right. No, I love it that she sent it in.

OK. To make a point. I do think this could be an issue that I personally could evolve on. And let me tell you why. For the YouTubers that monitor how many times I bring up Pickaball here is time number two. This girl that I play Pickaball with, she and I had a private lesson this morning together at 7.30 a.m. She is an Asin nose out Parker, like exclusively, right?

Exclusively Asin nose out parker. Like exclusively, right? Exclusively, ass-in nose out parker. And she wanted me to tell you that she can whip it in, ass-in nose out quicker than you can nose in ass out. Well, I might need to go up there and we'll try it. You can come up and watch, when you can watch me play pickleball. I don't know, you've been dying too. I'm dying too.

So anyway, as we leave our lesson this morning, her car is ass, we're the only two cars there because we're the only two crackheads that show up is 70 and to take a pickle ball less. So her car is asked in nose out and it's perfectly centered in between the two white parking lines. Okay. I mean, it's perfect. next to her car is my car, nose in ass out, not centered right at all. Like I've got an inch tire over the white line. Yeah. It's a shit show. And she kind of flexes.

She kind of like, you know, she's a pretty humble woman. And she's kind of, hmm, look, look at this. And I'm like, I'll tell you what, that is impressive. And she claims, I wish probably time her and do an experiment, but she claims that she can ask in, nose out as quickly as you can, nose in, ask out. I suspect that's probably true.

Yeah, she's pretty competent. Well, my nephew came up to me like out of family deal on Easter and was like, I do ask inin nose out because that's the only, I mean, he gave me some explanation, but apparently you're a better parker if you do that. This is what the Asin nose outers claim. Right, so I mean, he told me all the reasons,

but I don't remember what they were. I was just like, okay, they claim to be superior parkers. Parkers. That they kind of have, you know, the World Bites tale, right, early bird catches the worm. Right, well they are the early bird because they're just flying out of that parking lot with their hair on fire.

I mean, there is a lot of confidence that comes with this activity, right? So, I mean, I don't know. I think maybe we could do on our Patreon and ask in nose out video Kylie. I think so. Out in the parking lot. Yeah.

Black and white checkered flag. Get the cones. See who did it better faster. Get the cones. I'll get my pickleball the parking lot. Yeah. Black and white checkered flag. Get the cones. See who did it better faster. Get the cones. I'll get my pickleball friend in here. Let her. I mean, I don't know. I love the colors.

She told us to fuck on. I love her. Between that and the joyless cat, it's just been a banner episa. I love these people. I love these people. I love that she said joy. I know you're going to think I'm a joyless cat. Love it.

All right. Listen, Applissner. We have dissected and sliced and diced from here to Nigeria and back to here. But here's what we need you to do. Please go to Apple and give us a five star review and write a physical review because this helps us more than you know. Also, subscribe to follow us on Patreon. I think we're going to do a little parking experiment and we're going to do a drag show

at some point. I mean, we're not the performers. Right. We're going to do a drag show. No, but we're going to a drag show at Branch. We're going to go this weekend, but it was sold here. We're going to go to a drag show because we support drag queens and that'll be fine. And you cannot not have offended a drag show.

It's impossible. Right, but I think there's a bunch of fuckers that are mean to drag queens and we're going to support the drag queens. Well, of course, but those people are dicks. All right. the drag queens. Well, of course, but those people are dicks. Ha ha ha. All right, so follow us, rate, review, subscribe, DM our Instagram account with what you've had it with. Yes.

We will see you next Tuesday. We will see you next Thursday. And regardless, we're joyless cuts. We're joyless. That's our new thing. We have to borrow it from Kitty Pop up. Kitty Pop Up. All right, by listener.

By listener. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I'm gonna do more than just drink and party on this podcast mom. I know, I know. Okay, if you don't know who I am, well, I'll remain a singer, and that's my daughter, Avery. And you probably know us best from the Real Housewives of New York. And now you'll get to know us even better on our podcast, Turtle Time.

Let's make more iconic moments together every Wednesday. It's Turtle Time. Follow Ray and review now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.