Jess & Ducko - Hit Breakfast - THROWBACK | Sometimes he just needs to rub me

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

In this best of show: The 2000 year old dildo, Morgan lost her wedding ring and the conversations Ducko had at a bucks party!Subscribe on LiSTNR: https://play.listnr.com/podcast/nick-jess-and-duckoSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jess and Ducco. A 2000... Oh, hello. Welcome to the UK, where the study was conducted, in Newcastle University, overseas. Oh, I love this. Okay. Which is very funny. So a 2000-year-old dildo has been unearthed in the UK, and scientists say it is the earliest

example of this kind of ancient Roman sex toy that has been found so far. Okay. So if you're wondering why you've got a hankering, don't worry, your ancestors had it in their DNA and it's just filtered through. They all wanted to do it. It's just filtered through. What do you think an ancient Roman sex toy would be? Oh, now that's a great question, because as soon as you say ancient Roman,

my mind goes to some sort of medieval torture device. Yeah, you'd think that. But this is for pleasure, obviously. Yep. I'm seeing spikes. I don't know why. Oh, it's a disembodied carved wooden phallus. It is?

Okay. Yep. So ancient Romans carved a phallic-shaped wooden object measuring at 16 centimetres. Okay. It could originally have been larger than that, but the wood is prone to warpage and shrinkage over time, they say. It's like a boulder constantly being battered by the sea. It will wear down over time, thus the same as the old sex toy. This was all in the study.

They put this all in the study because they found a bunch of ancient artifacts at this site overseas. I was going to say, when you say study, is it like Indiana Jones and his archaeological team? And they've dug this up. They're looking for, you know, jewels and treasure. What's this wooden shaped thing? It's potentially been worn down from generations and generations of years.

Smell it. No, don't. Wooden. Did you say wooden? Yeah, wooden. Yeahell it. No, don't. Wooden. Did you say wooden? Yeah, wooden. Yeah, okay. That can't be, you'd have to be really sanded back, wouldn't it? You'd really hope so.

Can you imagine a splinter down there? I can't. I mean, they were tough back then. Really tough. They hadn't invented rubber and silicon. They didn't know what they were doing. Do you have a picture of a duck? I do not.

I do not have a photo. I'm sure. Shaga, can you please Google? I want to know how accurate. Veiny? Yeah. sure. Shaga, can you please Google? I want to know how accurate. Veiny? Yeah. And did it have the boys down below? The object was found next to many shoes, dresses and accessories and craft products.

Okay, so it was a lady's. Yes, it was a lady's. Archaeologist at the Newcastle Uni, Robert Collins, told The Guardian that he has to confess, part of me thinks that this is kind of self evident, that it is a penis. I don't know who entered it into this catalogue. Maybe someone who was uncomfortable with it. I love it.

I know you said the length, Ducko, 16 centimetres. You said nothing about the girth. Oh, goodness gracious. She's girthy. That is the American challenge, if anyone's seen that. That thing is huge. Mate, this is unbelievable. I mean, I don't know why I'm not giving our ancestors credit.

And yes, I'm going to keep saying our ancestors. Look how they've carved out the knob area. Oh, yeah. They're actually. Oh, yeah. Down that end. It's quite anatomically correct. And so it starts for everyone who can't see this, which is everyone.

Yeah. And I don't think we can put it on socials because we might get shut down. Well, you can put it on there and just say like it's a kid's toy or a bat. Yeah. I'm not saying it's a kid's toy. It starts really thin, has like the knob, and then it goes thicker and thicker and thicker. Yes. You can almost say, you know when they cut a tree down?

Terrible when they do that. But when they cut a tree down and there's the rings and you can see how old it is, you can almost see the layers of the grading in the wood there. Hang on, Jess, as I read this article further, because I'm a professional. Okay. Collins has come back out and said, sometimes dildos weren't always used for pleasure. So that instrument was used for pleasure. So that instrument was used for pleasure, but also torture.

That's why it's thicker at the end. So it'd be a little bit of pleasure halfway, and then if they're naughty, it's all in. So it's like, you know, for the, I'm going to bring up children again. Yeah. You get, no, I'm going to say kiwi. You know, for Kiwi, you get the one utensil that's a knife on one end and a spoon on the other. A spork.

What, that's a spork? Oh, a knock. That's a spoon fork. A knock. Yes. So you only need to have one instrument. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's what this is.

It's one instrument for pleasure and for pain. It is. Oh, my God. Cue Rihanna S&M. Also smart from them. Very smart. Like that's just, you know. Storage may have been an issue.

I can only have space for one device. Make it a dual purpose. Why not? Why not make it a dual purpose? Oh, my God. They can't be certain of its intended use, but that's what they think it is. Of course, it's 2,000 years old. Yeah, but it is a phallic-like object.

It does have a knob. And it looks like it was found in a woman's clothes. So it could be a good luck charm. What a find for Rob Collins and his team. I didn't know the ancient Romans and Greeks used sexual implements. Apparently it was quite common. Yeah, of course. Oh, kinky.

Yeah, you know enough Italians. You're a kinky bunch. Naughty birds. Jess and Daco. How do you lose arguably one of the most expensive things that someone owes? So the engagement ring, I mean, a lot of dudes don't know this until you get married. I sure didn't. I thought when you get the engagement ring, that was it.

Like, you don't need another ring. I didn't think the wedding band. Then all of a sudden, no, you've got to get a wedding band that matches the engagement ring, that slides under the wedding ring. That's also like, you know, anywhere from $1,000 to $1,500, maybe even more money. And you're like, okay. Because no one puts, well, some people do, the engagement ring back on the finger during the wedding. You need another piece of jewelry to solidify that commitment.

Just seems like a money-making trap, that whole thing. But hey, it's love. Boys only get the one. They only get the wedding band. So we go to the gym yesterday afternoon. I work out. May couples who train together stay together. Here's the thing.

I'm trying to get Morgan to a good gym routine because Morgan is actually very, very fit and very athletic. I'm just trying to get her back in the zone. And I said, I'll wait till the afternoon and go with you at 4.15 p.m. to the class. Which, for people who wake up at 4 a.m., kudos to you, brother, because that is very late. Yes. I normally go at lunch, and I love my lunch class, but I had to wait till the afternoon. It was fine. Morgan and I went yesterday, and she was wearing just like, just her gym, like, short tights,

legging things, whatever. And she had her rings on, right? Now, then we start using a barbell where it's going to scratch the rings, et cetera. I never understand when I see women wearing rings at the gym. Now, I don't go often, but it always has confused me because they're very expensive pieces of jewelry. Yeah. Scratchy, exactly.

So then she takes them off. I didn't see this, but she takes them off and she puts them in her back gym pockets. So you know how some of those gym pants have like a little slit that has pockets in them? They can have like a little hidden one. Correct. It's like a little one above her butt. So she puts them both. Zip bar situation or just a pocket?

No, just a pocket. So puts the engagement ring and the wedding band in there. Okay. I didn't know this. We're then doing some stuff with the barbell, some push press and things. We're doing box jumps, but seated box jumps. So you sit on something and you jump up onto a box. Okay.

So you're sitting and you're jumping. You know what I mean? It feels like the rings in your back could maybe slide out. There's a lot of motion in the ocean there. Correct. Rattling maybe, precious jewelry around. So all of a sudden, halfway through the session, we're getting to go into the machines, like the ergos and stuff.

And then Morgan comes to me and goes, I can't find my wedding ring. And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, my wedding ring's not here. I've got my engagement ring, but not the wedding ring. And so we're like frantically looking around and the instructors. So one fell out, the other one didn't. One fell out, but the other one didn't. And I was like, where'd you put it?

We're going on. Trace back your steps. But also, honey, got to get the gains. The session's still going. You're looking at your heart rate on your fancy watch going, I can't be still this long. We need to keep going. And then the coach came out and he's trying to help us,

but he's also got to run a class with like 20 other people. Yes. So then we had to finish the class. And obviously the whole time, Morgan, I can tell she's stressing. I'm thinking, oh, no. Good for the heart rate at least. Keep the heart rate up. I'll keep it very, very high.

And I'm looking at all the cracks and crevices. I'm trying to look under mats and things, looking everywhere. We finish the session. We're looking. A few people from the class stuck around to help us. And it gets that awkward period where they're kind of like, it's been 10 minutes. How long do I keep looking? I don't know you people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of want to go. And then we're trying to ask Morgan. We're tracing her steps. She's starting to get a bit like. She's right near where you were doing the box jumps. That's what I would have thought. Couldn't find it anywhere.

You thought maybe someone's kicked it and it slid. Or it's landed on its side and rolled away. I said to her, I said, go into the bathroom, pull down your pants and check in everywhere. Check in your undies, check in your pants, check everywhere. Because it could, and she's like, I can't feel it. What if it slipped in? She's like, I can't feel it.

So she went to the toilet. As she's doing that, we're looking, looking, looking. She comes back. It's not there. She's as pale as a ghost and she's starting to get a bit angry. And I'm a bit frustrated because I'm like, why would you put your rings in a loose open pocket when we're doing jumping box jumps? Be honest. Was part of you like, is that how little you think of our marriage?

No, I was just more worried. I was like, to be honest, truth be told, I want to buy new golf clubs. So I'm just sitting there going, this has really put a dent. Oh, does she know that? This is all fake. She's just like, I need to take money out of our joint account. Correct. I then said something that wasn't good.

We get in the car and she's looking up our insurance policy. Oh, so you let, you go, you gave up? We looked for ages. A new class had started. They were looking. It got to the awkward point. We had to leave the gym. Okay.

We then leave. We tell the instructors they're going to look for. I post in the Facebook group. I'm driving home thinking, well, that thing's lost. Like, that's gone. We're in the car, and Morgan's stressing. I go, look, I don't think we worry about it. You've got the engagement ring.

That's the most important part. The wedding ring's had a good run. Like, we've got the photos. Sorry, the wedding ring's had a good run. You've been married two years. Yeah, but, like, it doesn't matter. The wedding ring's the boringest part of it. Like, I was like, I don't think we need a new ring.

And then she goes to me, well, I don't think you need new golf clubs. And I was like, hang on. I didn't lose my golf clubs. Now we're tit for tat. I didn't miss. All of a sudden, tempers are rising. I'm like, I didn't lose my clubs. Let's not get into that. We get home. We get home. How's this? We get home. Morgan takes off her pants and you hear, cling, cling, cling, cling, cling. Where did it fall out of? It was in her butt somewhere. It was in her pants somewhere.

She's been doing too many squats. She couldn't even feel the wedge of the ring. We think, so 13, 10, 60, I wanted to do, you might think I want to do, where was the wedding ring to lose the ring? I want to do what was in your butt or what was in your pants. What was in your pants? What was in your pants? I'll your butt or what was in your pants. What was in your pants? What was in your pants? I'll take what was in your pants.

Okay, what was in your pants? Because I said to her, I said, go to the toilet and check your pants, and she did, and she didn't find it. Because maybe she just rolled them down to her ankles and it kept staying in all the folds or something. Are you Kim Kardashian? Where's this thing been hiding? Yes.

And she was so embarrassed. She'd make a great smuggler. She was so embarrassed about it's like a great smuggler. She was so embarrassed about it. Of course. Like so embarrassed about it. And I was like, you were meant to check your pants. We think there's a slit, like a hole. Yes.

And it's. Within the fabric or something. And it's slid into the fabric of the leggings. And so she hasn't worked it out. And so we found it. And it's funny immediately when you find the ring, all those arguments and everything just falls back to normal. And she's like, I'm sorry.

Of course you can get new golf clubs. And I'm like, of course we were going to get you a new ring. all those arguments and everything just falls back to normal. And she's like, I'm sorry, of course you can get new golf clubs. And I'm like, of course we were going to get you a new ring. I love you so much. I love his love. So 13, 10, 60. I mean, cool if you lost your ring somewhere, sure. I love it. What was in your pants?

What was in your pants? What was in your pants? Give us a call because I tell you what, my day flipped upside down yesterday. Wow. Jess and Ducco. 13, 10, 60 is the number. We're asking you what was in your pants. Yes, what was in your pants.

After you had a hectic Monday. Stressful. You just missed that story. Rundown. I went to the gym with my wife. She put some wedding rings in her back tights pocket. That was open. The wedding ring and the engagement ring.

One ring pops out, which was the engagement, but not the wedding. We looked everywhere, posted in the group Facebook page, messaged the coaches, people in the classes were helping us. We were arguing. She then said I couldn't get new golf clubs because we had to buy this ring and I was like, hang on. Well, the wedding ring's had a good run. You've been married for two minutes.

That didn't go down well. I just figured, like, would you miss it? Would you really care? Turns out she does. Yes, it's a symbol of your love and commitment. Anyway, told her to check her pants and her undies in the gym. She did, didn't find it. We get home, takes her pants off and the ring bounces on the floor. So hence the question, what was in your pants? What was in your pants? The woman's also texting me saying, thanks so much. All I was thinking about yesterday was when I was stressed was, oh no, this will be on the radio tomorrow.

You know what, you're married. Well, if you did have to buy a new ring, at least it's a tax write-off. Emily on 131060, good friend of the show. Good morning, girlfriend. Good morning, guys. How are you? Welcome back to 2024. Thank you, babe.

Tell us what was in your pants. Well, it's not what was in my pants. So I used to be a manager with a large supermarket, and our store was high in theft. So I've seen Wagyu rump steaks. I've seen half hot roast chickens. I've seen prawns. I've seen mascara. I've

seen condoms. Everything that you can think that could be stuffed down your pants and they will walk funny out of the store. I'm like, I can see that hanging out of your pants. They're like, I don't know what you're talking about. Just hanging out, some prawns just dripping down your leg. I've seen it all. How are they putting a half chicken in their pants?

Can you imagine their balls? It would just be so hot. I was going to be running around the supermarket with warm balls. Like, what is happening? And how do you, Amber? I mean, you may have seen them in the ag, but how do you approach that? Do you say, you know, because if it's a bag, can I check your bag? You can't be asking strangers, can I check your pants?

No, you're not allowed. No, you're not allowed. You just have to let them go. Oh. You just have to let them go. There you go. Well, don't be putting hot chickens in the boys. Don't do it.

Oh, thank you, Emily. We go to Jo. Good morning, Jo. Good morning. How are you? We're fantastic. What was in your pants, Jo? To be honest, I had a spare pair of undies in my pants.

So you're wearing a pair, but you had a spare touching. Got the jeans on. Get on the train, going to Sydney on a day out with my kids. I said to them, oh, something's irritating the back of my leg. I couldn't work it out. Doing the whole hand down the pants, shuffle on the train, going, oh, my God, it's so irritating. Ended up getting one of the spare jumpers, put it over myself, put my hand down my pants, just couldn't cope, and yeah, pulled out this spare pair of underpants.

So I'm assuming when all the washing's been done, the spare pair's gone in there, I've just put them on. I whacked them in there. Tangled all up. Yeah, going to Sydney on the train with these bolts in the back of my leg and this spare pair of undies. Well, at least you noticed, Jo, unlike my wife, who's just rolling around with the ring in there somewhere.

Yes, couldn't feel it. Yeah, well, you know. Yeah. Thank you, Jo. There you go. Fantastic. That didn't disappoint everyone. So all's well Yeah, well, you know. Yeah. Thank you, Joe. There you go. Fantastic. That didn't disappoint everyone. So all's well that ends well, Ducco.

You're not out of pocket a couple grand to replace the ring, and you get to get yourself some new golf clubs. That was the biggest takeaway. I was so relieved. Jess and Ducco. Ducco, right now I need your help. I'm in a little bit of a pickle with my husband. We're usually very good at compromise and talking things through,

but we're at a bit of a loggerheads, okay? Now, you were very complimentary last week about my work ethic and the energy I'm bringing to the show. And Angus, again, behind the scenes, he's also doing, he's very complimentary and very, very supportive. And it's been so wonderful. And it's translating into something that's never really been a part of our relationship before.

Okay. And that's massage. Now, my husband doesn't like to tickle me. He doesn't usually like to massage. He gets bored. Yeah. And he's like, can't we just go get you one professionally? Why do I have to do it?

I'm like, because we're on the couch together watching our shows. Can't you just touch me a little bit? Yeah. And then over the weekend, maybe it was because of the lovely, you know, we're on the couch together watching our shows. Can't you just touch me a little bit? Yeah. And then over the weekend, maybe it was because of the lovely, you know, things you were saying. He sort of took it a bit more seriously and he said, I'd love to, I'd love to give you a proper massage. I went, where's this come from? You're welcome.

Thank you. I don't know what sparked it. Ultimate wingman. But something did. And he went, but not so much even just sit on the ground and I'll rub your shoulders. He went, lie down. Oh, like a full proper one. Let's get some oil. It's times like that I always wish I had a massage bed at my house just quietly. 100%. Because we're doing it on the couch and I genuinely was suffocating because my head, like there's no hole obviously. What do you do? But if I turn my head

to either side, I get nervous about, this can't be good for my neck. One time I lay on the dining table, it wasn't comfy. What do you do? You know? What do you do? Anyway. And this is the thing. I find the bedroom, it's too sexual.

So it's like, well, we must do it on the floor or the couch. Right. But he got the oil out. I laid down a towel. So I'm going to get oil on the couch. Yes. I just had it dry cleaned from Electro-Dry. But he's there and he's doing the massage.

And I thought, he'll last five minutes. Mate, 15, 20. The thing, he was going on. Like a the massage. And I thought he'll last five minutes. Mate, 15, 20. The thing, he was going on. Like a proper massage. Proper massage, Ducco. Yeah. Which I'll be honest, then led to some nice adult time. There we go.

That's what I was waiting for. However, no, turn this off because my issue is, Ducco, I then said to him, that was so lovely. The massage I meant also, but the massage more so. After everything though, after everything wrapped up, you said that was lovely. I said that was lovely that was so lovely. The massage, I meant, also. But the massage more so. After everything, though. After everything wrapped up, you said that was lovely. I said that was lovely. And he went.

He's probably thinking, yes, it was. He goes, well, if that's what it's going to lead to every time, I'd be happy to do it more often. I said, no, no, no. Sometimes I'm just going to want a massage. My body hurts a lot from the weird positions you are in, breastfeeding, picking Lucia up and down. I'd love a massage every now and then, but I can't guarantee every time.

I bet you would. It's going to lead to hanky-panky. And he went, well, no massage then. And also, don't call it hanky-panky. Nothing will turn anyone off more if you're like, are we going into hanky-panky after this rub? Listen, I realise that's not sexy, but we're still on radio. I'm trying to be. So are you saying you don't want to go that way every time

or you just don't have the energy sometimes? I don't want that expectation that it will always lead to... Bumping uglies. Hey, you give a bloke an inch, they take a mile. Exactly. You've opened the doorway. No, he opened the doorway. You've opened the stairway to heaven.

I want to stay in the doorway. And he wants to go up the stairway. No, sometimes he's going to need to just rub me and then. I just like that. I'll have that forever on my button bar. Thank you so much. And not that he expects anything else, but it should not lead anywhere. Sometimes I'd want to massage and then to continue watching our stories.

Not for it to lead anywhere else. So you've been no help. I don't know why I came to you. Relationships, you know, it's all about compromise. You want the massage. He wants the sexy time. Meet in the middle. Bada bing, bada boom.

You know what I mean? I don't know why I'm bringing my dad up in this context, but he always said. Hold on, we've got hanky panky. He always said the key to a good relationship is compromise. Hey, I guess if you're listening, next time you're doing it, it's because of Jess's dad. And you.

And me. There's so much to think about for one poor bloke. See, stick with the massage. He won't get from six till midnight. Not a chance. Jess and Ducco. So this is just like a little PSA. You know, when fellas go out on a bucks party,

all the ladies are there going like, what's my man up to on the bucks? They're probably out cheating. They're probably out cheating. Looking at boobies. Jeez, looking at those. What are they doing? Are they up to no good? Well, I'm just here to reassure you ladies that we're pretty simple creatures.

You're speaking on behalf of all men here? I'm speaking on behalf of the dudes here. Okay. Or the dudes. The Okay. All the dudes. The dudes. I've been to a few box parties in my time. Yep. And.

You've had to plan? I've had to plan a fair few. Many. And the thing about boxes is like they start off, you know, there's only so many things you do. There's golf. There's a long lunch. Maybe a cruise.

Yeah. All that sort of gear. I planned one of my best mate's boxes. You remember that? I was mate of honour. Yeah. And we hired a house. Yep. You know. You hire a house. In the middle of nowhere. I planned one of my best mates boxes. You remember that? I was mate of honour and we hired a house. You know, in the middle of nowhere. Get a spit.

With cost of living though and hiring a house and you get people who only want to go for a day, not two or whatever it may do. The coordination. It's like herding cats. You get people to pull out. Anyway, this was a lunch we had. We all went together. Now, this is what the boys talk about on the box party. You're probably talking about cheating on your missus.

Ah, probably. You know, gambling. Oh yeah, absolutely. You know, talking about alcohol. Hell yeah, baby. And engines. I want to run you through the reality of what we're actually speaking about. Yeah. All sort of like, you know, 30s, mid-30s. How many of you are married? You're married, obviously. I'd say 80% were married. Oh, okay. A few have kids now. Some have kids on the way. Okay, we're painting a picture.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When the food comes out, really nice food. We pay for this three-course meal, part of the bucks. All this food comes out. My mate's just like, well, I can't have shellfish. I can't have that. I can't have that. And I was like, why not?

As in allergy? No. I was like, why not, mate? Because I know he loves his food. And he goes, I've had my cholesterol checked. And to be honest, it's not good. Like, it's bad. So this guy's in his early 30s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, I could see this one coming. He goes, it's bad. I need to make some changes. I need to start now. I was like, well, maybe the 45 beers you've had today aren't going to help either. But we won't unpack that. Also, sorry, you've paid whatever, 200 plus, 300 plus for this meal.

We should have flagged this beforehand. Well, then it gets worse. If you weren't going to eat anything. It gets worse. One mate hears that and one mate goes, yeah, I had me heart checked. Worked to a heart screen where they check like the chambers and the valves. Had my heart checked. I got an irregular heartbeat.

So I had to go and do his heart. Oh my God, he's got an arrhythmia. Oh yeah, yeah. Had to go and do his heart stuff. It's fine. We've caught it early. You know, boys, it's better to catch it early. Another mate.

Yeah, you know what I did? I had a colonoscopy. I was like, wait, I thought we didn't need colonoscopies until our 40s. He's like, well, it's always better to get it checked in case there's polyps. And you know what? Peace of mind. I'm glad I did it. Hang on.

Hang on. So the first course has just come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the chat has already turned to polyps. That's what's up, baby. What is your life? I texted Morgan. You come across like you're still with it.

You're happening. You might be married and, you know, paying a mortgage, but now I've still got it going on. No, you don't. One of them goes literally the minute you get over 30, it's like things just start going wrong with your body. You can't drink like you used to. People are pre-planning for the hangover the next day.

Yes, the nose and ear hair conversation. Probably like, what's your trimmer of choice? I messaged my wife and I'm like, hey, some of the boys have had heart checkups and some of the boys have had colonoscopies. I was like, I think we should book one for me. She just replies like, so the Bucks is going well then? That's it, baby. Mate, don't worry about the wedding hashtag, the box hashtag.

Oh, what the fuck?