Jess & Ducko - Hit Breakfast - THROWBACK | What's on your sex playlist?

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

In this best of show: We find out what songs you've got on in the bedroom, Jess enters her gardening era and we go through penis sizes around the world!Subscribe on LiSTNR: https://play.listnr.com/podcast/nick-jess-and-duckoSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jess and Ducko. Ducko, earlier in the week I told you I'd had a revelation, I had an epiphany, when a girlfriend popped over and my house was an absolute bombsite. And I initially got really anxious, oh my god, she's going to see how disgusting my house is. I'm a pig. Or she'll just see that you're one of us and you're normal. Yeah, we had two loads of washing on clothes horses in the living room, the floor was atrocious,

the baby's playmat had dog paw prints all over it. And I got really paranoid. Oh, she's going to think we're gross. But she said, oh, thank God. This is exactly what my house looks like. One of us. One of us. It was a real moment of, oh, I don't have to kill myself cleaning

just because someone's coming over. And I can just relax in my own home. Except when I come home for dinner tonight, make sure it's clean. 100%. I'll run the steam up around. But I did tell you, I'm going to start living my life like that, except if my mother is coming. Yes.

Now, my mum does live in Melbourne. She lives interstate, and she's actually coming for Easter. Oh, no. So that whole, like, yeah, chill in my own home, it's gone out the window. Yeah, everything's got to be perfect. I'm preparing for her to come. She's coming next Thursday, okay, with my dad and my brother and my sister-in-law.

Very hands-on to a luchi, which is fantastic. It's wonderful, but she's also, she's a very house-proud woman herself, so I grew up under her world, under her reign. Under her reign? Yes, great dictator. I remember saying to my mum something about a mop and she had a lot of opinions and it's like, I've got to be better. When she came for Christmas, the first thing she commented on was how clean

my kitchen was and I'm still riding on that high. Oh, geez, that is good. So now she's coming for Easter. I've got to make sure it's all good. Obviously, I'm not going to start cleaning now because it's next Thursday, but what I did have a look at was my garden. So I have entered my gardening era, Ducco. I'm getting my backyard blitz Jamie Durion.

Doing a full reno on that garden, are you? Because I've been going out into the garden almost every day with the baby, with four month old Lucia, because she loves looking at leaves and I don't know, maybe it's interesting to her. It's shapes and colours and things she doesn't see inside the house. So even though I've been going out there for four months, basically, looking at it through my mother's eyes now, I'm going, it's a jungle out here.

Everything's overgrown. We've got a jasmine vine that started to strangle the frangipani tree. No. I planted a fig tree a couple of months ago. How's that going? Mate, fantastic. But do you know how big fig trees get? No.

I have a very small backyard. It's growing. It's that going? Mate, fantastic. But do you know how big fig trees get? No. I have a very small backyard. It's growing. It's humongous already. Okay. And Angus did warn me. He goes, you know fig trees, they're quite a big tree. I'm like, that should be sweet. Jesus.

It's already starting to overhang the neighbor's backyard. Angus tried to trim our lavender a little while ago. I don't know what happened, but it's all dead now. So it's a lot of rotting stuff. There's got a bit going on in that little backyard. There's a bit going on for just a small space. How's the grass? Is the grass still dead?

Well, grass is not my domain. Oh, that's okay. When I say backyard, I just mean the garden dead. Because dog pee on a grass, just yellow stains everywhere. Just patches of stain, isn't there? And even he likes to do the zoomies in the backyard. There's not a lot of room to zoom. So he's just now just got this dirt track in a bit of a U shape.

But when I say I've entered my gardening era, gardening's one of those skills. You never do a course. You never do a class. It's not like swimming lessons when you grow up. So true. Do you know what I mean? You just expect it to know. It's kind of a bit like cooking.

Unless you purposely seek out a cooking class, you're kind of just making it up as you go along, hopefully learning from adults in your home. No one's taught me how to garden, so yesterday I had a real crack at it. Finished up and looked at it, and I basically just pulled all the plants out. You're like, this looks good. I'll just keep going. I'll keep pressing on with this. I'm like, this bit's dead.

Rip. But the part that's come out also looked alive, So maybe the dead part was attached to the live bit. You tried to rip out weeds? I thought I was ripping out weeds and dead things. There's some sort of grass situation growing in the garden bed that looked a bit weedy to me. So I pulled it and a lot came with it. I went, hmm.

Tried to prune our mint. We had a mint bush thing going. That's going. And I pulled a bit of dead bit and all the live bits came. So I just got this. What was Lucia doing while you were doing the garden, just sitting there? I had her on a picnic rug. Just sitting there watching.

She was watching. Watching mummy destroy the turf. You know, I've told you for the communication of babies, it's good to talk to them. Yeah. And it does something to their brain. So I'm like, so mummy's just going to prune the rest of the lavender that's left. I'll try and get the dead bits away. Next minute, the whole thing would come out.

So, oh, mummy's made her stuff up. Don't tell daddy. You know, like when you add too much salt to a meal, it's quite hard to rectify. Pulling a whole plant out of the garden bed, it's really quite hard to put the live bit back and just remove the dead bit. Did your husband come home and go,

ooh, what have you done? He said, it's got a bit bare out there. I went, that's all right. We start from scratch. No one taught me how to garden, honey. No one's taught me how to garden. I'm in my era, but no one taught me how to do it. No, I've watched so much Backyard Blitz,

but I don't think I paid enough attention to the landscaping, how to actually properly do it. I just pruned this thing with just the frangipani trees left and a few shoots of jasmine. That'll be the first thing your mum comments on. Well, that's the thing. Now I'm wondering, can I go to Bunnings and just buy full plants to plant so she doesn't just think I've started from scratch

and there's just seedlings everywhere? Oh, those plants look fresh. No, I don't think so. No, no, no. They've caught fire ages ago. They're pretty good. They've been there for a while. So if anyone runs some sort of gardening course,

if Costa Georgiades is visiting anytime soon, I'd like to book in. Just do the gardening course. Just for a gardening course to understand how to be better at life, you know? Yeah. So then I can teach the next generation. So true. Because right now all I'm doing is ripping out plants. We're talking intimate songs.

That's right. Is there a song that kind of fuels your fire? Fuels you in the bedroom. Yeah. Like do you put something on? Get your bit hot and bothered under the collar. You and your partner go, yeah, put that playlist on. 100%.

And this is, I want to make it very clear, a judgment-free zone. Absolutely. You know what I mean? If Celine Dion gets you going, I would just like to hear about that. The funnier, the better. You know, it's up to you. I'm not going to yuck your yum. No, you're not.

Now, the reason I'm talking about this is because Spotify have released different playlists. Sorry, my wife was just messaging me. I was like, is she listening? Oh, is she getting hot and bothered? Is she? Maybe. What did she say? Spotify have released...

No, she was talking about the dog not going out to wee. So it was actually quite unattractive. Morgan, you're ruining the vibe. Don't ruin it. Don't ruin our chat. Spotify have released various plays that you can find in intimate mixes based off what you listen to, off your algorithm. I like when Spotify tries. I like when they try.

Because to be fair, all they're working off is the data we've given them. Yep. But people use Spotify for various reasons. So many things. It might be your phone's connected at work or something, or you've got a kid in your life, or you're going through a phase. So let's see how they've interpreted this. So you've got an intimate mix, a sensual mix, a relaxing intimate mix, a dinner intimate

mix, and then my favorite, the dark love mix. Oh, when I think ducko, I think ducko. Oh, yeah. So my intimate mix, it's a bit of soft electronic dance music. There's a few things. Actually, not too bad. I might give it a whirl. Okay.

Next time you're feeling intimate. Oh, yeah. Just every day. But my dark love mix is where it few things. Actually, not too bad. I might give it a whirl. Okay. Next time you're feeling intimate. Oh, yeah. Just every day. But my dark love mix is where it's at. Oh, okay. It's hit the nail on the head. First song on my dark love mix. Don't blame me, love me.

Taylor Swift, Don't Blame Me. Is this the one you learned about at the concert? I love this song. You said that is an absolute trash. This is a trash. I still play this quite regularly. It's a good song. But I'm like, yeah, is this the one you learnt about at the concert? You said that is an absolute tune. I still play this quite regularly. It's a good song. But I'm like, yeah, okay. This is dark love. Spotify's telling me to go home and make love to this.

It's gritty, I get it. Yeah. But Taylor is one, I feel like, one of the purest artists. Oh, don't put that in my head. Come on, this is my gritty love mix. Don't ruin it. Well, mine doesn't feel much better, Ducco, because when I just look through mine, I don't know much better, Ducco, because when I just look through mine, I don't know any of these artists, let alone any of these songs.

But I've seen one and my brain immediately went, how is that sexy? It's the 500 Miles song. But how would the world find 100 miles? It must have been quite upbeat. Or at least I thought so. Oh, yes. On closer inspection, it's not by the Proclaimers,

it's by someone called Sleeping At Last, and this. Oh, yes. On closer inspection, it's not by the Proclaimers. It's by someone called Sleeping At Last. And this is the actual song. But I would walk 500 miles. Are you guys going to cry and hug? It's a cover. I mean, this is the most dull. I can see straight missionary just staring into each other's eyes. I am a, you know me.

I'm very lazy in the bedroom. My husband has to work overtime. What is it? So I get that, like, maybe this is capturing what I'm reading. You're having a little sleep? I'm usually very full. The dinner tarp is still laid out on the bed. That is so boring.

And the only thing I can think of is that I pretty much use Spotify as the nighttime playlist to get Lucia to go to sleep. So has it pulled up that I'm playing so many like lullaby-esque songs that that's what it thinks I want? It is funny. That's dumb. Also, definitely put it on a Don't Tell Angus and see what happens. We've got Shark Eyes here.

This is his first one. Shark Eyes, that's so weird. No, we don't. We actually do. You've given me your Shy Guy. I'm pretty jealous about this. This is good. Bullshit.

Show me your phone. There is no way. Did you have this? There is no way. Look at him out there lying. You're such a liar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way.

I know we've only known Shy Guy for 36 shows. I don't see him getting down to this. I don't believe it. I don't see you boning to this Shy Guy. What about Babs? Has Babs given you something? Babs has given me one. I think Babs's is real.

And she said hers were actually pretty good. She's like, mine's good. Reeks of Babs. It does. Sweet Babs. It's literally got kiss Me in the title. It's a 90s teen movie, you know what I mean? Hang on, careful.

Reign it in, Darko. Babs' grandfather listens. Sorry, so sorry, so sorry. Don't ask her stuff like this on air. How could I? So we've got to know 13, 10, 60. You love making songs. What's the song that gets you in the mood?

Maybe you've had a look at your intimate playlist and you're happy with it like Babs is. Yes. What's the song? Let's get into the mood, Ducco. We'll unpack maybe our real ones next too. Oh, okay. 13, 10, 60, lovemaking song.

Give us a call. Jess and Ducco. We're talking sexy songs. We are. 13, 10, 60 if you have one because Spotify's just released certain playlists that you can look up now. So if you want to go to your Spotify and you literally type in intimate mix, it'll show you your intimate mix, your sensual mix, your relaxing intimate,

your dinner intimate, and my favorite, your dark love mix. Doug, you're skipping over Goblin Core. Yeah, I don't know what Goblin Core is. What is that? Goblin Core mix. Is that if you want to get nasty in the bedroom? Freaking sheets. Get your goblin on.

What's Shy Guy's Goblin Core? Here he goes. When I really want to satisfy my husband, I go goblin. I love a noodle. Yes, you do. Hey, so I wanted to talk lovemaking songs. Yes, because you're into my playlist. You had Taylor Swift on there.

That's what Spotify is suggesting for you. This is suggesting I have my dark lovemaking mix. Dark love. We had some good ones. Yours was my favourite. Jesus Christ. This would put me to sleep. But hey, if you want to just light some candles and stare into each other's eyes,

maybe cry a little bit. Whatever. Because I'm so lazy and I just offer nothing. And he's like, please. He puts on his cry. Do you actually have eyes? Do you know what? No, Ducker.

I genuinely, I'm not a fan of music in the bedroom. Oh, it's the best. No, so do you curate a playlist? Sometimes. Or will you do sort of this sort of thing, let maybe the universe guide you and just what comes on next? I usually do the players thing because there's nothing more high pressure than when you're standing there naked and you look at your phone

and you're like, quick, hurry up. And you're like, hold on, I've just got to – what are you vibing? Because you know your first song you put on that you're going to get so judge-shocked. It's going to set the tone. Exactly. The equivalent, it's like when you've got a hot meal straight off the pan and you're trying to pick a show. That's the only thing I can relate it to.

It's time pressure. Hey, so show. That's the only thing I can relate it to. It's time pressure. Hey, so true. That's what I mean. But I do have a go-to that I like, that I like making. It's the weekend. The morning. He's a sexy man. This is old school weekend.

See, my issue is I'm a big rhythm person. This one breaks down, man. Don't you worry about that. Are you thrusting to the beat? There's no beat. Hey, shut up. Let's go to your bedroom. Here's Jess and Angus. Come to the duck man.

Oh yeah, what's good? I'm picturing you in the bedroom gyrating. Should we check on Shy Guy? There he is. Anyway. But at least he's... Oh, this is kind of a quick beat.

I'm trying to thrust to this. Come on. Oh, come back to my room. Anyway. Hey, we want to know yours on 131060. We're not judging, are we, Jess? No, no, of course not. Hey, man, I do it in silence.

We're trying not to wake the dog or the baby. We're not judging, are we, Jess? No, of course not. Hey, man, I do it in silence. We try not to wake the dog or the baby. We go to Sandra. Good morning, Sandra. Good morning. Sandra, what song do you like to do it to? Well, I had to say Sexy Back. Oh. Yeah, that's good. Now, that's

a good beat, Sandra. Do you feel like you get into a rhythm with Justin? Absolutely. How could you not? How could you not? That is a good one to do it to. That's so smart. And, Sandra, on the standby list to see JT doing that live in New York City.

Thanks for getting involved, Sandra. We've got Louise on 131060. Morning, Louise. Good morning. Lulu, what song gets you in the mood? I can see here you've looked up your playlist. I did. Well, it wouldn't get me in the mood, but I had it for my dad's funeral song.

It was Johnny Mathis' The Twelfth of Never. We're not going to have that in the system. Can you just – you don't have to sing it, Lou, but how does it go? Oh, gosh. How does it – oh, no, I can't. We need to hear it. I don't know the song. It goes like, you asked me how I love you.

I love you like that. Hang on. Now I'm picturing Lou making love to Lou singing. Spotify. No. Did Spotify offer that to you in your sexy playlist? Oh, that is. Oh, no.

Imagine if that came on while you were in the sack, Lou. Oh. Last time I saw this, I was putting Dad on the ground. What am I? Oh. Oh. That is very interesting, Lou. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Lou. Great singing. Great singing. That was a beautiful voice We've got a Gary, Gazza Talk to us, big fella Hey guys, how are we? Yeah, fantastic Gaz, what's the song that puts you in the mood Or have you looked up your playlist on the Spotify Intimate?

My go-to song would have to be Your Man by Josh Turner You know the one that's like Baby lock the doors and turn the lights down low. Mate, that is trending audio on TikTok. Gaz is up with the times. You're the man, Josh Turner. That's, um, you, I feel like your personal voice suits that song very well. Do you usually sing along?

Oh, definitely not. That'd be straight out of the bedroom. Oh, okay. Keep me kicked out. I don't want to hear the job we didn't have in the system, so I can't play it. That's okay. I feel like Gary took me there.

Yeah. Gary, can you just sing us out, mate? Get us into the ads? Yeah. Baby, lock the doors and turn the lights down low. Yeah! Jess and Ducco. Sorry, Ducco's just giving me a glimpse into the story that's to come.

Yeah. One particular part of the male anatomy I've never heard of before. No. I thought I knew my fellow man well. Yes. I've never heard that body. I thought I knew myself well, but I've never heard of this either. Have you got one?

I don't think so. There's been a study done in Germany to work out the penis sizes of countries all over the world. Genuinely every country, the average size of their schlong. I love this. I mean, with all the problems in the world, Duggo, I love that researchers are dedicating time, money, resources, energy. You know what they say, Jess? He couldn't crash with his Johnson out.

No, you can't. You just cannot do that. Anyway, researchers in Germany reviewed more than 40 recent studies involving thousands of men and their... The pork sword. And they extracted data on the average sizes from nearly 90 countries with measurements having been independently verified. Now, this is...

I love that independent... Because I was going to say, hang on, am I just getting the data from that country? I can't trust that that is accurate. You can't trust that Graham's adding a few inches. Exactly. No. Graham from Nicaragua.

Like, I need to get independent boots on the ground. Well, apparently, apparently, 90 countries are measured. Wherever possible, the team avoided using studies where men had self-reported their sizes. My huge Johnson. I love that asterisk. That's good. We can't have self-reporting in Australia

because I know you cheeky boys. Oh, yeah. You're always reporting a little bit longer, a little bit bigger than the truth. What's a mil more here and there? Yeah, exactly. What's a mil amongst friends? This is the line I told you off air, which makes no sense. In cases where individuals had a fat pad above the penis,

this was slightly compressed to help with measurements. What is that? I'm going to have to Google what that is. I don't want to Google that. And why was it slightly compressed and not all the way compressed? I don't know. Don't Google it on your work device. No, I'll do it on my app.

I'll also get an email. It's all right. A fat pad. Oh, you can do fat pad in the knee and the elbow. Oh, I see. I've got the knee definition. A mass of closely packed fat cells surrounded by fibrosis tissue. Oh, okay, so you can have one at the base.

Oh, gotcha. Yeah, it's a big bopper. So slightly compressed. Does everyone have that? I feel like you should know if you have one. I feel like you'd see it. I feel like you'd see that fat pad popping out. Is that the technical term?

That's what it says. That's what it says in this article. Fabulous. Now, Shaka's got a world map over there. Yep. This is also a geography lesson for me, by the way. Okay. It's got the entire world, and you can click on any country, and it'll tell you their swan

size. We've got to start. Australia. If you want to do this at work, by the way, worlddata.info slash average penis size is where you want to go. Australia? Where do we rank? Australia is that country.

I can tell you we ranked 43rd. I'm going to look at it on the map. We ranked 43rd. Do you want centimetres or inches? I've got both. I think centimetres. 14.46 centimetres. Okay.

That doesn't feel bad to us. What about our mates over in Canada? Ah, Canada. That starts with a C. He's literally Googling the countries. No, he's dragging his little trackpad around a map. See, that one's in inches. 6.19 inches.

Yeah, see, this is going to get tricky because they normally use inches. What about Ducco's cousins in France? Here's the thing. Australia is 5.7 inches and 14.46 centimetres. So Canada's bigger. Canada's bigger. Canada is bigger. What about France?

Ah, my kin. Your kin. Oh. Oh, hello, Viv Ah. Where is France? Have you got a fat pad? Have you got a fat pad? C'est tard. Voulez-vous avec fat pad?

Je m'appelle fat pad. Wait, I know where France is. What's wrong? Like, you wanted to do this. 15.74. Centimètres? Oh, they're bigger than us. It's not inches.

Yeah, they'd be huge. I would have thought, no offence to your countrymen, I would have thought smaller. Babs, you tell us what you told me off air this morning. Last night I sat on the lounge and did this with my housemates. And what were you surprised about? Did you discover anything interesting? They're big over there.

Are you just putting a blanket over the whole continent or was there a country? She's not wrong. Ecuador is sitting at 6.9 inches. Yeah, well, funny you say that. I think Ecuador are one of the largest. Hang on. Ecuador is in South America, not Africa.

Oh, sorry. Jesus Christ. I told you I'm not good at my geography. You went to Africa, though, Babs. Yeah. You checked that out. Specifically where? Africa's a big, big continent.

I just kept clicking on a bunch of them, and they were all very similar. Go to Africa. Let's see if Shy Guy can find Africa. It's on the other side. What do you want, Bolivia? No, you're were all very similar. Go to Africa. Let's see if Shy Guy can find Africa. It's on the other side. What do you want, Bolivia? No, you're still in South America. Go to the other side. Go to the other side of the world where South Africa is.

Jess, can you help him? Ecuadorian men, I can say this though. They were one of the top. Seven inches. He's found it. He's found it. Okay. Tell us one.

Egypt. Egypt. 15.67 centimetres. It's gone real north. Give me somewhere in the central. Chad. Oh, the Chad. Yes, what's the Chad packet? 15.67 centimetres. It's gone real north. Give me somewhere in the central. Chad? Oh, the Chad. Yes, what's the Chad packet?

Chad, 15.39. Jeez. Centimetres? I don't know how to pronounce that one. Is it Djibouti? Give it a crack. No, I don't want to offend. This one, Jeff.

Mate, you've just... Cote d'Ivoire. Cote d'Ivoire. Yep, that one. 15.22. Okay. So what we're getting is we... So this is a great one, geography lesson.

What's the site again, Shona? Worlddata.info slash average dash penis size. I love that. People put money and resources to that. I, too, was going around last night like Babs in a housemate. I was looking at that because you can just click anywhere and go, oh, my God, North Korea. Unfortunate.

It's basically learning. It's tricking. It's tricking us into learning. Shy Guy's just learned that Ecuador is not in Africa. Russia's here. Yeah, he's learning geography over there. Russia is surprisingly very little as well. It's very cold over there.

And China, little. Okay. Yeah, 13.7 for China. We've got 13.21 for Russia. The UK and US aren't even in the top 50 and we're 43rd. So there you go. Well, there you go. What have we learnt, team? 13.21 for Russia. The UK and US aren't even in the top 50, and we're 43rd. Wow. So there you go. Well, there you go.

What have we learnt, team? Well, what do we always say, Jess? It's not about the size. It's about... The fat pad. Yep, that's what we always say. That's what my tattoo means.