Jocko Podcast - Jocko Underground: Obsessing Over Your Spouses Past

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

>Join Jocko Underground<How to not obsess over your partner's past. What to do if your family does not accept your life choices. What to do when your spouse does not follow through with the important things. How to be a good student. On and off the mats. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/jocko-podcast/exclusive-content

This is the Jocko Underground Podcast number 1944 sitting here with Echo Charles. We have received some questions from the UG Troopers. And we have some answers, some guidance, some recommendations on courses of action for you all. Let's get into it. Yes. All right. As we close out the year 2025. New years coming to a close.

Having courses of action is better than not having courses of action. Definitely. Definitely for sure. Let's get into it. All right, first question, Jacques, welcome. Recently, I've been under a huge lot of financial stress and custody battle with having equal rights for my son, etc. In light of all this stress, doctors put me on meds again. The main issue is, I don't know if it's a result of the stress, but I've been getting really bad OCD, like compulsions,

questioning my partner about her past, asking when, where, and who she slept with. I'd need to know if I knew them, and I'm constantly digging. for answers. We're a blended family, she has two kids, and I have one. But I fear these compulsive tendencies of mine will ruin what we have built. I feel like this is rotting my brain. Any advice on what kind of mindset or things a man slash leader you would do in my situation? I really appreciate the work you guys do. I'm a daily listener and got my blue belt and jiu-jitsu this year. So thanks. Yeah, man. I would start off just by saying this. You do not want to be

living in the past bro you do not want to be living the past you can't change what happened in the past you can't fix what happened in the past it doesn't really matter what happened in the past it's like where are you now that's what that's what matters and that's what matters with where your partner is now right um these are what's important now and the future is what's important and that's what's important and that's what you need to focus on focus on being an awesome man Right. That means being an awesome dad. That means being an awesome worker, whatever your job is.

That means being awesome at Jiu-Jitsu, as awesome as you can possibly be. That means being an awesome partner with your partner. So let's focus on being on awesome on those things today. Getting a little bit better every day at these things. Because dwelling in the past, it doesn't give you anything. It doesn't do anything beneficial for you. It gives you nothing. Well, I can't really say it gives you nothing because what it does give you is like heartache, paranoia, and stress.

And yeah, I think probably if I was to have to guess and I'm not a psychologist, but as Echo Charles likes to say, it seems like some things are a little out of your control right now. Meaning you're in a custody battle like the court, the court does what the court does. It's very hard to control it. They're going to make decisions that they're going to make. The financial, like you can only make so much money. So there seems like there's things that seem more out of control to you right now. Again, finances, lawyers, judges, custody battles, legal decisions like those things are very difficult. And you don't feel, you feel like you have limited control over those big things.

So you're probably like searching for things that are in your world that you can control or do you think you control? and you think you're getting control of things by focusing on the past, but in fact, that's not happening. In fact, what I see happening here is the past is controlling you. And we're not doing that, man. That's not a good game to play. That is not a good thing to focus on. We live in the present. We plan for the future.

That's what we're doing, right? So, again, I know it's easier said than done, but listen, What is your the girl that you're with right now? Like, okay, cool. She's cool right now? Good. You're cool right now? Cool.

Get cooler. Like, that's what we're doing, man. Just dwelling in the past and worried about what things she's been through and who she's been with. Well, those are questions. It doesn't, it's totally not pertinent at all to your current situation. Not pertinent at all. You can make it pertinent by freaking out about it and constant. trading on it. And by the way, you know what that is? That's super insecure. And it looks insecure. And it looks

desperate. It looks weird. And it looks jealous. And it looks weak, bro. It looks weak. Don't look weak. Just be like, oh, yeah, cool. You used to date guys. Cool. Yeah, you got a couple. She sounds like she's got a couple kids. What? She has two kids. Yeah. Cool. That's awesome. Glad you had some good relationships in the past. Had these beautiful kids. Cool. That's what a man, a confident man does. A confident man's like, Oh, cool. Oh, that's your ex-boyfriend over there? Oh, cool. Nice to meet you, man. Cool. Good luck. Whatever. No factor. An insecure person is like, who is it? Why did you? What was that like? What is you? That's just insecurity. No one likes that. Don't be that guy. Don't be insecure about it. You got her now. She's your girl, right? You guys are in a relationship now? Awesome. Be stoked on that. Be like, yeah, cool. Oh, yeah. I dated some other girls in my past. It sounds like you got to have. a couple kids too, maybe.

Oh, you have one? You have one kid? Cool. What did that? Was that, where'd that kid come from? Oh, you had a relationship with, so you're a human being and she's a human being and that's what it is. So let's just be ultra confident and secure that we're a good dude and doesn't really

matter who she was with the past because you're the man now. How's that sound? Am I off base here, Echo Charles? No. Okay. I do not believe so. Right? Like, we don't want to show.

insecurity and being desperate and being freaked out about thing in the past. You should be confident. And listen, if you lack confidence, don't show it. How's that? Am I being, what's the word? Duplicitous? Am I being too phased? Like, oh, I feel bad about it, but I'm not, I'm going to acting a different way.

Yes, I'm telling you to do that. I'm telling you do not act insecure and like worried about this stuff in the past. No, I'm telling you do not act that way. I'm telling you to act to be like, oh, cool. You had relationships in the past? That's cool. Yeah. I'm glad you, you know,

glad whatever got you to be here, this cool chick that I'm with right now, awesome. I like it. What do you want for dinner? You see what I'm saying? I see what I'm saying. Gosh, it's,

people get wrapped up in this stuff, man. Looks bad. Feels bad. Yeah. Fake it. Fake it. Pretend, if you have to,

that you're like, oh, cool. You date other guys? I don't really care. Because you're with me now. That's the important thing. Got a couple cool kids. That's cool.

I got my kid. We're kind of like putting our own little system together. We've got a little fam going. That's what I'm concerned about. Be that guy. Be that guy. Move forward. Don't dwell.

Get after it. That's my assessment. Yeah, it feels like he's the one bringing it up too. So it's like you're expending more energy like doing the wrong thing, you know, kind of a thing. just don't bring it up, which exactly what you're saying in my opinion. Like, yeah, even, look, I get it, bro. You have internal feelings like everybody else. I get it.

But, brad, you got to develop that barrier, bro, that filter of like, I understand you're going to feel. But the difference between what you feel and how you behave, right? You got to make some, you know, put up some boundaries. Make some decisions about how you're going to be. Yeah. So that and that was, that was like, I'm going to invoke this little mantra again. What, uh, you got to, you got to decide what. outcome do you want you know it's gonna have a lot to do with like how do you want to be

how you say like who do you want to be this has to be like part of who you are now you know so you have to understand and why and identify what do you want the outcome to be and then obviously these two issues that he brought up which is the custody and the stress part of it so the custody um you know the stress of xyz what do you want the outcome to be and then behave towards that outcome same thing with your partner that you obviously built something got a blended family cool sweet What do you want the outcome to be? And if you can really understand that, all this other stuff is going to be easy or simple.

You're going to know what not to do. Because if you want the outcome to be positive and strong and secure and stuff like that, basically the thing that we all want, you want that to be the outcome and you're conscious of it, you're not going to be busting out these, who are you with?

How many guys were you with before me? All this stuff. You just won't do that. So you're saying? And then you just sort of become the person who is like that. Yeah. Just carry on,

bad. There we go. Next question. There we go. I thank you and echo for the time and a podcast. I'm a naval officer, thanks to your podcast. How do I keep my peace while also maintaining my relationship with family who cannot accept my choices?

Thank you. I'm assuming these choices to join the military. I have no idea what to assume these. There's a lot of context around a question like this that's not here. Because what kind of choices is this dude making? Right, right, right. It could be that his choice. So that is a little excerpt.

of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground podcast. So if you want to continue to listen, go to jocco underground.com and subscribe. And we're doing this. We're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms. So we are not subject to their control. And we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko podcast, which will remain as is free for all, as long as we can keep it that way. but we but we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors and we're doing

it so we can give you more control more interaction more direct connections better communications with us and to do that we are we're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen this legion of troopers that are in the game with us so thank you it's jocco underground dot com it costs eight dollars and eighteen cents a month and if you can't afford to support us we can still support you just email assistance at jocco underground.com and we'll get you taken care of until then we will see you mobilized underground