Joel Osteen Podcast - Having Realistic Expectations In Relationships | Joel Osteen

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

If we want to have good relationships, we have to give people room to make mistakes. When you offer others grace, your relationships will flourish.Your best days are still ahead, and together we can make a difference in this world with the message of God's hope and love. To give visit JoelOsteen.com/GiveHope.Start every day with faith to move mountains and peace that surpasses all understanding. Our 2025 Today's Word Daily Devotional includes 365 days of Scripture, inspiration, and prayers. Let this January offer encourage you all year long,https://bit.ly/3ZWYzX5. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of the Joel Osteen Podcast ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hi, this is Joel and Victoria. Thanks so much for listening to the podcast, and thanks for supporting the ministry. We believe you're going to have an awesome 20-24, healthy, productive, and favor-filled. God bless you today and enjoy the message. Well, God bless you. It's a joy to come into your home. We love you. We know God has good things in store for you.

He rewards the people that seek after him. I believe that's you, or you wouldn't have tuned in, or you wouldn't come out today. But thank you so much. It's just great to have you here. I like to start with something funny each week, and I heard about this husband and wife. They'd been arguing. Now they were giving each other the silent treatment. The man had to catch a flight early the next day, and he needed his wife to wake him up at five in the morning. Not wanting to break the silence, he just wrote a note and put it by the side of her bed that said,

please wait me up at five. The next morning, he woke up at eight in the morning. He was furious that he had missed his flight. He went back in to find out why his wife didn't wake him up. And he noticed a little piece of paper by the side of his bed. He opened it up and it said, wake up. It's five. All right. Hold up your Bible. Say it like you mean it. This is my Bible. I am what it says I am. I have what it says I have. I can do what it says I can do. Today I will be taught the word of God. I boldly confess my mind is alert. My heart is receptive. I will never be the same. In Jesus name. God bless you. I want to talk to you today about having the right expectations in your relationships. Too often, we expect the people in our lives to perform perfectly, to never disappoint us,

to always be there for us, especially in our marriages. We expect our mate to cheer us up when we're down, to always be understanding, always be loving and kind. But really, those are unrealistic expectations. There's no such thing as the perfect spouse, perfect boss, the perfect friend. No matter how much those people love you, no matter how good of a person they are, at some point, they're going to disappoint you. At some point, most likely, they're going to hurt your feelings. And it doesn't mean that they're bad people. They're just human. And if we're going to have good relationships, we have to let people off the hook. We have to give them room to make mistakes, to have a bad day once in a while,

we have to realize they may not always be sensitive to our needs. You may spend a couple of hours cooking dinner one night and not one of your family members thanks you. Or maybe you have a friend. You went out of your way to include him, to make him a part of your group, but then he turns around and leaves you out, includes everybody except you.

People will disappoint us. Many times when these things happen, instead of letting it go, realizing that's just a part of life, we start to get resentful toward that person. We start treating them differently. Before long, we're a little cold. We don't show them the respect that we really should. And it's these little things that are the seeds that begin to destroy our relationships. It all started because we had unrealistic expectations. But we have to accept the fact that nobody is perfect. And the people, the people, you're in relationship with probably have a few things about their personality that can get on your

nerves, a few things that can irritate you. Maybe your husband is a little sloppy, leaves clothes on the floor. Or you have a friend that's always running late. You get there on time, but then you have to wait. Or maybe somebody at the office has a loud voice. When they talk on the phone, it just booms out through the whole workplace, kind of gets on your nerves. Well, you have to ask yourself, does the benefit of being in relationship with that person outweigh the irritations? If it does, you need to make adjustments. You have to train yourself to focus on the things you like about that person and not the things you don't like.

Most of the time, you'll find 100 good qualities and only a few things that irritate you. But if we're not careful, we'll focus on the irritations and the things we don't like And that's what poisons relationships. I know this lady, her husband, has a habit of chewing ice. He constantly has ice in his mouth. Everywhere he goes. At home, watching TV, driving in the car, he's chomping on that ice. Just a little quirk, something he likes to do, and she can't stand it.

Gets her so uptight. She is complained and complained, and he's tried to stop. A couple of times he's quit. Then he starts right back up again. She's so frustrated by it. And here her husband is a good man, a loving man. He's got all these great qualities. But she's allowing this one irritation to upset her

and start to make her resentful toward that man. And I told her what I'm telling you. You're focused on the wrong things. You're expecting that man to be perfect, not have any flaws. That's not realistic. You have to give the people in your life the grace to be human. Remember the reasons why you married that man. Remember the reasons you fell in love

with that young lady. Focus on those qualities and learn to overlook the things you don't like. I'm sure there's a time you can talk to them about it. You can express your concerns. But even if they never change, we should not allow a little quirk in somebody's personality to cause us to be resentful and lose the respect and admiration we had for that person. person. If they don't change, you're going to have to change your approach. You've got to change the way you deal with it. I remember one time when I was younger, I went to a summer camp. My roommate was one of my best friends. We stayed in this little dormitory together, and we always got along. We played sports together, hung together after school. And at this camp, he brought along his stereo system,

and he had this favorite song that he played over and over again. I don't mean one time. Every time we were in the room or even near the room, he would put the song on. And at first, it didn't bother me. We were at camp, no big deal. We were having fun. But after about the fourth day,

that started to get on my nerves. I must have heard that song 500 times. I could practically hear it in my sleep. It was by a popular Christian artist. I thought if I saw the guy I'd probably ring his neck. I was sick of that song. And my personality type, especially back then, I would never confront anybody.

Even though I never said anything about it, down in here, I was so irritated. Every time I'd go to our room, he'd come in, turn the song on. I'd tried to hint, hey, won't we listen something else? Oh, no, Joel, I really like this. You don't mind, do you? No, I don't mind a bit. I was lying through my teeth. And what's interesting is instead of just being honest and say, yeah, I'm ready for something new.

The way I responded is by treating him differently. The rest of the camp, I didn't hang out with him. On purpose, I avoided him. When I did see him, I was cold. I wasn't my friendly self. I allowed that one irritation to come between the two of us. After camp, we went back to being best friends, hung out the rest of the summer. But so often, we do just what I did.

focus on a small irritation. We let it get under our skin. And before long, we lose sight of all the other great qualities about that person. And we start to resent them. And the truth be known, most of the time, it's not something in the big picture of life that's even worth losing a relationship over. I know if I'd been honest with him, he would have quit playing that song. And even if he didn't, I could have overlooked it. I could have changed. I could have made a just After all, it wasn't harming me. I just made the mistake of focusing on it. And what we focus on, we magnify. It becomes bigger than it really is. That's why it's so important that you learn to focus on the good qualities of the people you're in relationship with. Every person has things that can get on our nerves. You may think, man, I wish I was married to him. I wish I was married to her. She looks so nice. He looks so perfect. Now, you wouldn't be. around them for a few days before you found something that kind of irritated you. But the difference would be most of the time you just overlook it.

See, when we're dating, when something's new, we don't necessarily magnify the negative. We focus on what we like. We see all the person's good qualities. But it's kind of sad to say many times when we get married, we change our focus. We think, man, I didn't know he did this or that or she's got false. he's got false. But if we're going to really have good marriages, we need to live like we were still dating. If we'd put forth the same effort to keep that person that we did to get the person, I'm sure we'd have a lot better relationships. We'd have a lot less breakups. I mean, when you were dating, that girl could do no wrong. You'd go anywhere with her.

In your mind, that guy, he had no faults. I remember when Victoria and I were dating, I would go shopping with her all the time. follow her around, carry her bags, as happy as can be. Now she can't even talk me into going to Walgreens with her. One time when we were dating, we were driving down the road on our way somewhere, and Victoria saw this new, big office building that had just been built. She said, Joel, let's pull in there and go look at the lobby. Sure enough, we pulled in there and looked at the lobby. She said that to me today.

I would think, Victoria, are you feeling okay? Some of you can remember back when your husband used to take you to the high school football games on Friday nights in his souped up car had those big wide tires on the back. Well, you shouldn't treat him any differently just because he's wearing those tires. I'm too nice to say anything about the ladies. But what I'm saying, husbands, wives, don't focus on each other's faults. Let's live like we were still dating. The scripture says here in Romans 12, 16, that we need to adapt and adjust in order to keep the people. some of you, if you just start

making some adjustments, not focusing on the other people's faults, not magnifying what you don't like about them, and instead give them some grace, instead overlook some things. If you do that, I know you would enjoy your life a whole lot more. But a lot of times

this goes against the grain. We think, well, Joel, I don't want to adapt. I want my husband to change. He's the one leaving the dirty clothes on the floor. When he picks them up, then I'll be happy. Now, sometimes you're going to have to just swallow your pride, pick it up, and move on. And here's the key. You've got to do it with a good attitude. You can't go back and find him and just say, I want you to know. I picked up your clothes

one more time. No, just let it go. Don't make a big deal about it. Really, it boils down to this. If you're going to be in relationship with anyone, no matter how loving and kind, you're going to have to put up with some things. Quit expecting the people in your life to be perfect. Quit letting little irritations get under your skin. That's just a part of life. Another thing we should understand is just as other people have faults, we have faults. Just as they do things that irritate us, I'm sure we do some things that irritate them. It's all what we choose to focus on. And if you live with these unrealistic expectations thinking my spouse, my friends and my kids, they're never going to disappoint me, never irritate me, they'll be there to meet every one of my needs. All you

doing is setting yourself up for disappointment because that's impossible. No one person can meet all your needs and keep you happy. You would have a lot better relationships if you would take the pressure off of these people and quit making them feel like they got to perform perfectly or they're going to fall out of your good grace. A better approach is to say, no, I know they're human. I love this man. I love this lady. They've got great qualities. But I know at one point or another, they're going to disappoint me. They may hurt my feelings. I know they're not going to be able to meet every one of my needs. And I've already decided, though, the benefits of being in relationship with them far outweigh these little irritations. So I'm not going to focus on those things. I'm going to focus on the good

qualities. I really believe this is a key. Victoria and I have been married going on 20 years. I have never once heard her ever say anything negative about me. And I know sometimes I get on her nerves. Sometimes I'm caught up in my world, doing my thing, writing my sermons, but she always sees the best in me. I hear her tell people all the time, Joy is the most perfect husband you can ever find. I know she's either lying or calling it by faith. But my point is, she doesn't focus on what she doesn't like. She focuses on the good. We all need to learn to magnify the good things in the people that we love.

and the things that we don't like, let's learn to overlook those things. Don't dwell on it. Understand, we can't change people. Only God can. You can nag that man or woman night and day, complain and give them the cold shoulder,

but all that's going to do is make your life miserable. Don't be a complainer. Don't be a nag. Don't go around telling that person what you don't like night and day. No, just let it go. I mean, you have to realize

some of the little irritations that people have, they may have that their whole lifetime. That may be with them until the day they die. You've got to choose, am I going to let this upset me, cause me to be resentful toward them and sour my relationship, or am I going to take a better approach and just overlook it? Am I going to let it go?

You don't have to let it upset you. And when you're with your friends, don't ever say anything negative about your spouse. No matter how upset you are or what they've done, don't call your friends and say, well, let me tell you this about my husband. husband. Can you believe what my wife did? She sew this, she's so that, she gets on my nerves. No, no matter how frustrated you are, don't portray them in a negative light. When you talk bad

about your spouse, it just makes you look bad. Comes right back on you. Not only that, you're sowing the wrong kinds of seeds. You should be your spouse's biggest encourager, biggest defender, biggest ally, biggest fan. You should make them look like they're the great person in the world. And they may not be right now, but the scripture says in Romans that we overcome evil with good. We all have good things on the inside, and we have some things that are not so good. And when you're a nag and you just focus on the negative, all you're going to do is draw the negative out of that person. If you want to help them come up higher, start focusing on the good. When you magnify the good and you encourage your spouse and appreciate

and praise them for the things you like, not only will you draw out the good, but that's a seed that God will use to change the negative things. But we don't overcome evil by getting resentful, holding a grudge, being upset. We overcome evil by staying in peace,

by magnifying what's right and by focusing on a person's good qualities. If we're going to have healthy relationships, we need to be secure. Some of you today, you need to toughen up. quit getting your feelings hurt so easily. Don't be so sensitive that people have to walk on eggshells around you, afraid they're going to upset you, afraid they're going to do something wrong.

Now, that's a sign of a very insecure person. And insecure people are some of the most difficult to be in relationship with. They've always got to have somebody that keeps them, quote, fixed. By that I mean, if you don't cheer them up and compliment them all day long, then they're going to get all down. the slightest little thing, they're going to get their feelings hurt. No, if that's you, you've got to change. Quit relying on the people around you to keep you happy and start keeping yourself happy. And don't be a baby. Just because somebody didn't speak to you one morning, that doesn't mean they don't love you.

Maybe they were having a bad day. Maybe they had a lot on their mind. You've got to show them a little bit of mercy. Even if they were rude, even if they did it on purpose, that's okay. They're human. Sometimes, I'm sure we're rude. When people hurt our feelings, we need to ask ourselves, have I ever hurt somebody's feelings? When we are irritated by them, well, have I ever irritated somebody? Sure, we all have. But that doesn't mean we don't love each other. Doesn't mean we're not good people. I mean, Victoria, you cannot find a more loving, caring person, but sometimes she gets on my nerves. Two things I always remind myself, number one, I get on her nerves. And number two, the benefits of being in relationship with her outweigh the irritations most of the time.

Why don't you take the pressure off the people in your life? Why don't you quit making them feel like they've got to perform perfectly or you're not going to be happy? The next time your spouse comes home, a little tired and he's kind of short with you. Instead of letting that sour you and ruin the rest of the evening, why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt? just have that attitude, oh, no big deal. I know he loves me. He's just having a hard day. I'm going to let it go. When you do that, you're going to draw the good out of him, not the negative. I talked to a lady the other day. She's been married for over 40 years, and her husband is not a big gift giver. In fact, in those 40 years, he's only brought her flowers a couple of times. And for her birthday and special occasions,

he doesn't give her a gift. He just gives her a card. And I was amazed at this last, lady's attitude. That didn't bother her. She was as happy as can be. She said, Joel, my husband treats me like a queen. I know I can buy whatever I want during the year. And I've just accepted the fact that he's not a big gift giver. And I thought, lady, that is a mature attitude. I would try that on Victoria, but I may not be here next year. But what she was saying is, I'm not going to let this little quirk in his personality offend me. I'm not going to let the fact that He doesn't buy me gifts, cause me to be resentful toward him and start treating him differently. No, I know he loves me. I'm just going to enjoy my life anyway.

See, she recognized that's something she had to overlook. She had to adapt and make adjustments in order to keep to peace. But some people today, as I said, if you don't stroke them all day long and keep them encouraged and complimented, they're so easily offended. Well, my husband, he doesn't love me, didn't tell me today. My wife, she didn't do this or that. No, some people are just different. Don't allow that to sour your relationship. And sure, there's a time to confront, there's a time to bring things to light and say, hey, you know what, this is kind of hurting my feelings. But what if people don't change? Or what if they change for a little while and then they go right back to their old ways? Well, that's when you have to dig your heels in and say, you know what,

I am secure in who I am. And I realize my husband, my wife, my friends, they love me, but they may not be able to give me everything I need, so I'm going to start trusting God. Some of you today, though, you're expecting another person to keep you fixed. When you're discouraged, a friend has to come cheer you up. When you're mad, your wife has to calm you down. When the boss has been negative toward you, your husband has to smooth everything over. And if they don't keep you fixed, you get all irritable, you're no fun to be around. But no, here's a key.

Your joy is your own personal responsibility. quit making your spouse, your friends, your parents keep you happy. That's not fair to those other people. If you're always depending on someone else to keep you encouraged and keep you fixed, sooner or later, they're going to let you down. Sooner or later, they're going to disappoint you. They're going to have their own problems. They're not going to be available. And if you're not careful, you'll start blaming them and thinking, they're the reason that I can't be happy. No, you've got to keep yourself happy. people will disappoint you. People are not always going to be

sensitive to your needs. So instead of running to people, you need to learn to run to God and just say, God, I realize these people can't keep me fixed. I'm asking for your strength, for your joy, for your encouragement. Sometimes we're trying to get

something from someone that they're not able to give. You can't give away what you don't have. Some people never got the love, the acceptance, the approval, the affirmation, they should have when they were growing up. And if a person wasn't raised in a healthy environment where they saw the right things modeled,

they may not have that to give away. For instance, in communication, if all they saw were their parents living together with no real relationship, well, that's just normal to them. Sure, they can change over time, but you cannot expect them to be a great communicator and meet all of your emotional needs.

They may not have that to give away. You shouldn't fault them. You shouldn't be resentful. Just recognize they never learned that. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. They can learn it over time. But what I'm saying is no one person, no matter how well-rounded, no matter how loving and kind, one person cannot meet all of your needs. And you should not pressure them and try to make them keep you happy all the time. That's never going to work. You have to keep yourself happy. I know I came from a healthy environment. I grew up with loving parents and a loving home, and I felt very secure. But I realize even now, I cannot meet all of Victoria's needs.

We all only have so many strengths. The truth is, Victoria is much deeper than I am. She likes to figure things out, talk about history and how things are the way they are and why they work. You know, sometimes we'll be watching TV at night. and she'll go deep into the storyline. Tell me all kinds of things that are happening and why this character's doing this and why this guy's doing that. I'm thinking to myself,

is she watching the same movie I am? I don't see any of that. I mean, I'm not that deep. This is about as deep as I get. But isn't it funny how God usually puts you with somebody that's opposite than you are? This may surprise you, but I'm not a big talker. I'm naturally quiet and reserved.

And of course, I know, know in relationships, communication is essential. But there are some nights, especially when I'm tired and I don't feel like talking, Victoria wants to talk. Well, she doesn't get upset and offended at me. She realizes that's not one of my main strengths. Instead of being resentful toward me, if she wants to talk, she'll go call her friend. She'll go call her mother. They can talk an hour about nothing. I hear in there laughing, having fun. The point I'm making is quit pressure. your spouse or some other person to try to meet all your needs. That's impossible. And the sooner you let them off the hook, the better off you're both going to be. One thing I appreciate about

Victoria is she doesn't pressure me and try to change me into something that I'm not. She doesn't make me feel guilty because I'm not, quote, keeping her fixed all the time. She recognizes my strengths, the areas that I'm good in and the areas where I'm weaker, she recognizes I may not be able to meet her needs in those areas. Some of you may be living with somebody that's never going to talk as much as you would like, but that's just not who he is or who she is. You shouldn't fault him, you shouldn't resent them. You have to accept the fact, not one person can meet all my needs. And I'm certainly not saying to get involved inappropriately outside of your marriage. What I'm talking about is not pressuring one person to try to keep you happy and to possibly

give you something that they can't even give you. You've got to go to God, ask him for his help. But don't be resentful toward that person and start treating them differently. You have to make allowances for each other's weaknesses. And remember, most likely the good qualities far outweigh the negative qualities. But I know a lady right now, she lives to try to change her husband. She's very outgoing. She loves being around people, loves being at social events, but her husband is just the opposite. He'd much rather be at home, alone with his family, than out with a bunch of people. And for years, this has frustrated her. That's all she focuses on. If I can just get my husband to come out of his shell. If I can just get him to be a little more outgoing, then we'll really be happy. Then we'll start enjoying our lives.

But sometimes, that's just not who that other person is. If you're constantly trying to change him, you're going to be frustrated. Not only that, you'll start to resent him. And what that is, that is, is a missed place expectation. You have to accept the fact that's who they are. If you're going to be happy, you have to adapt and make adjustments. And I'm not saying they should stifle you and keep you from being your best, but you cannot expect them to be something that they're not. And I'm asking us today to take the pressure off the people in our lives. Don't have these unrealistic expectations. Recognize people are going to make mistakes. They're going to do things that irritate you, but you know what? That's okay. They're human. Don't make the people in your life

have to perform perfectly or you're not going to be happy. Give them some grace. Learn to overlook things. Make allowances for the sake of peace. If you'll have the right expectations in your relationships, giving mercy, giving people room, I know those relationships will get better and better. God will honor you for doing your part. He'll pour out his blessings in favor and you'll live the of victory he has in store. Amen. Do you receive it today? We never like to close our broadcast without giving you an opportunity to make Jesus the Lord of your life. Would you pray with me? Just say, Lord Jesus, I repent of my sins. Come into my heart. I make you my Lord and Savior. Friends, if you prayed that simple prayer, we believe you got born again. Get in a good Bible-based

church. Keep God first place. He's going to take your places you've never dreamed of. It's a new year, an opportunity for a fresh start. It's a new year. Time to forget the struggles of the past and make room for new blessings. It's a new year, the perfect time to build expectation and faith for an amazing new season. The beginning of the year is a great time to start a fresh and a new, to let go of negative things of the past and to get ready for the new things God has in store. Every January, we create a new devotional calendar. When you start off each day in faith, grateful for what God has done, making positive declarations over your future, you're setting the tone for a blessed day and a victorious year. This devotional calendar will help you get your mind

going in the right direction so you can live in faith expecting the goodness of God. As our way of saying thank you for your gift of any amount this first month of the year, we would like to send you a copy of our brand new 2025 365 day devotional calendar. Using this devotional calendar is as easy as one, two, three. One, wake up with an expectancy in your heart. Two, reflect on the daily scripture verse and devotional from Joel. Three, capture the Lord's promises to you on journaling lines for writing and reflection. This is going to be one of your best years. Our 2025 devotional calendar is going to help

you stay in faith and see the goodness of God in ways you've never seen. Victoria and I pray for you and your family every day. And thank you so much for your prayer and support. Your generosity is impacting lives around the world. A special thank you to our champion of hope partners for your monthly gifts. If you're not a partner, I hope you'll consider becoming one. Remember, you can watch the services online live every Sunday morning, download our daily podcast, watch on YouTube. Now the new Joel Osteen Network 24 hours a day, and of course listen live on Sirius XM as well. But until we meet again, may the Lord bless you and keep you.

May you show you his favor and watch over you. Be sure to request your copy of the 2025 devotional calendar today. Visit Joel Osteen.com or call us toll free. week.