Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - April 06 - Urzila Carlson, Ben's Mishap On Zoom, Ok Zoomer!

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

Urzila Carlson called inBen's mishap on ZoomOk Zoomer!Mike King called inNominate an Iso-LegendSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is the ISO Luncheon! Please welcome your hosts, he's like shaking his shoulders to insinuate that's his relaxed mode. I wasn't organised for this earlier. It is day one, our new job. But if you are with us over this next hour, you're going to hear some New Zealanders also in isolation right now. This is our Isolunch, a pop-up show we're doing on The Hits. We're joined by a comedian, Ursula Carlson, and Mike King as well. Yeah, very funny.

And we're not trying to ignore that people are doing it tough out there at the moment. And so it's an honour that we're able to talk to you through these microphones into your disinfected furries at the moment. From the bottom of my sanitised heart to yours. You're right. These are really unsettling times for New Zealand, and we are all in this together.

And it's nice to get together and to do a show like this and talk to other people who are all going through the same thing. The nicest thing about it is it only takes us 60 minutes well yeah it's not it's not a grueling uh no this is wonderful so please enjoy uh two annoying radio announcers bantering away with those songs edited out for copyright reasons yeah first off here we go it's comedian ursula carlson the iso luncheon with Jono and Ben on the hits. Right now on the phone, she's our favourite South African turned Kiwi comic.

In fact, she's just my favourite South African in front of Nelson Mandela. Oh, jeez. Just behind Oscar Pistorius. You'll know her from seven days. Have you been paying attention and just been bloody funny? It's Ursula Carlson. How's it going?

Hello, team. Good to have you on, Urs. Now, Urs, I've known you for many years. Love you. Wonderful human being. But I know that you had a thing with germs well before this Corona COVID thing. Oh, mate. So long before.

I'm so germified that I can't travel with blue light because then I'll literally never leave my house. Oh, you know the blue light, the stuff you see on the crime shows where they... Oh, the CSI light. All the time in a teenage boy's bedroom. If you see anything with protein in it, if you know what I mean. Okay. If I see anything light up, I will literally never be able to leave my house. I will acid my

skin off. But I think this is the new way of the world. I think the world's just caught up to you now, Iz. Yeah. Honestly, I am living my best life at the world. I think the world's just caught up to you now, Iz. Honestly, I'm living my best life at the moment. Everyone is making sure they're clean, washing their hands, covering their mouths, and I'm staying at home. I'm not going,

I haven't left my house in six weeks. We've only been in lockdown for two. What I love about Iz is she's so social. She's so approachable. No, it's just because people are disgusting. The fact that we have a virus that is killing thousands of people and it's like because people aren't washing their hands

or staying away from each other. You guys are gross. Humans are gross. I saw that you had a good tip for people wearing face masks on your Instagram the other day involving bad breath. Yeah, because, you know, I've had to go out to get a flu jab, so I had to cover up everything.

You know, I'm even wearing fake glasses. I reckon you would go out in like one of those hazmat suits. You know, you see the bomb disposal guys. Honestly, if you know where I can find one, let me know. I need one in a 5XL. So I went out,

and I didn't realise until I had a coffee just before I left the house and I popped the mask on. Your mouth was foul after a cup of coffee. I nearly blacked out. Because you just, with a face mask on, it's all you. It's all you're getting, right? I can't even blame someone else. I'm like, oh, it smells like I had ass.

Face ass for lunch. I saw a lady on Instagram, she used a G-string as one, as a mask. Oh, a friend of mine used a bra, like a bra, one of the cups from a bra, which is a little different. Yeah, I mean, now you have to feel bad for ladies with small boobs. Now they're putting their lives at risk. Ursula Carlson, comedian, joining us on the ISA luncheon. Now, on a serious front, I mean, you've got a little family to look after.

Are you actually worried or do you think this is going to be fine? And I don't know why I'm asking you because you have no medical expertise whatsoever. No, but I do have a wife with some medical expertise. You know what? If we stay home and stay away from each other, we can smother this thing. We're lucky we've got a fairly, you know, fairly big yard. I feel so bad for people who are trapped in apartments right now with kids. Stop bragging about your big yard.

My own. Because I'm loaded. I'm lucky. I've got a ginormous yard. I mean, I've got an acre and a half. The size of seven Eden Parks. Yeah, I think, like, the kids are on the back hectare now. You're actually speaking to rich people also on your Instagram.

I saw you're worried about rich people as well. I am really worried about rich people. Those poor bastards. Now, all of a sudden, they have to let all the staff go home, you know, because everyone has to isolate at their own place. That's a good point. So the nanny's gone, the cook's gone, the driver's gone. Now they have to find out what the kids' names are.

Can you imagine how confusing it is? Especially if you use the surrogate for one of them. You're like, who the hell is that? Now this is a worthwhile cause. Let's help the rich. Let's help the rich and wealthy. Ursula Carlson. Think about the rich.

Love your work, mate. You keep safe, and thank you so much for joining us on our very first radio show here on The Hits. Yeah, thanks, boys. I mean, I haven't listened to you in years. She won't after this either, that's for sure. I'm just glad you guys are back from the UK. I know

you're not Ant and whatever. Hang up on her now. Well, thanks for pulling our careers, Ursula, and you have a wonderful day. Oh, yeah. See ya. Take care of yourself, Ursula Carlson. You guys stay safe.

I'm actually leaving my house right now. You go pick up some timber. Okay, all right. That's an unusual task, but you go and do that. Yeah. Well, abians gotta do what a Lesbian's gotta do Good chatting to you, buddy

That's how well doesn't stuff itself I don't know if we're still on here but I hope we're not Why haven't we grabbed this up? I thought we did and we moved on now we're back

talking about timber Jono and Ben's ISO luncheon on the hits Jono, I haven't actually told you this story but everyone's using Zoom at the moment, which is like a video meeting app, right? Yeah, a very popular platform to see other people.

Kind of like Skype or FaceTime. Having watched my lovely wife, Jennifer, she's been working on Zoom. Day one, turns up in a power suit. All right, yeah. Day two, she's just lying there with no clothes on. Just naked, naked Zooming. What?

Is she? I don't think that's true. No, I might have made every part of that detail up. She'll hate me for even saying that. But people do get a lot more casual, you know, like in some jobs. But the first day we used Zoom, it was you and me, we actually had a Zoom meeting.

It was day one of lockdown. I hadn't used it before. We had a meeting, just the two of us in the morning. I was like, oh, that was fun. Yeah, we got to see each other's faces. Well, that's the thought. What's the obsession with having to see other people? Even if I trust you.

I trust you there if I'm talking to you. You can just, like, your voice is fine. Yeah, because I'd rather be doing other things but also talking to you. But anyway, we did that this morning. And then later on that afternoon, because we're in lockdown, I was sitting on the bed with my laptop just chipping away at some work, doing some stuff. And, you know, because you know no one's going to come around and visit you at the moment.

No one's going to turn up unannounced. So you kind of let your standards slip. I was dressed like you dressed normally. Yeah, full time. You came down to my level. I did. I was at Joe's level. So I think I had shorts on, but I might have been,

I think I didn't have a top on, or if I did, it was like a singlet. It was very minimal. And I'll tell you what, that is a wonderful side, a topless Ben Boyce. You're like, am I looking at a seven-year-old child, or is that a fully grown man? So I was at home on the bed, shirtless and shorts, and then a Zoom meeting request popped up.

I was like, oh, I must have missed this one. This will be Jono, because he's the only one that's, I've Zoomed so far. This will be something I've forgotten. This is a meeting from Jono. I'll be like, I hope I must have missed this one. This will be Jono because he's the only one that's, I've Zoomed so far. This will be something I've forgotten. This is a meeting from Jono. I'll be like, I hope Ben's not going to top on. I'll just try this. Just try my luck.

So I clicked on it. And then suddenly I was watching a sort of, you know, 20-something lady dancing to Lizzo, sort of doing some hip hop dancing. I was like, uh-oh. Oh, like twerking? Yeah. Yeah, right.

I was like, what's this? And what had happened was my daughter, she does a hip hop dance class. I was like, uh-oh. Oh, like twerking? Yeah. Yeah, right. I was like, what's this? And what had happened was my daughter, she does a hip-hop dance class. Her dance class was over Zoom and I didn't realise my login was her login. So suddenly I was watching this lady. Classic Ben. Creeping on the online twerking classes.

No, I panicked. I panicked. No, you didn't. I didn't. This seems like a very elaborate backstory. It doesn't. I panicked. I was like, oh God, I'm a little bit flustered. Made your screen bigger because I was you did. This seems like a very elaborate backstory. Does it? I panicked. I was like, oh, God, I'm a little bit flustered.

Made your screen bigger because I was forced it. Well, that's the first sign of panic is how can I make this image I'm looking at larger? I was trying to click off this dance class that I was watching. And then, you know, like a sitcom, my wife and two kids walk into the room as i'm watching a lady dancing to lizzo uh doing a dance that's okay so how many twerking classes have you accidentally ended up in just out of you know one usually he's having to peer through a window in a bush this time he's got the convenience this is day one don't make me out to be like that this is not true how long is twerking class isn't it just the same move over and over hip? Well, that's hip-hop class. Oh, it's hip-hop class, right. Okay, 0800 the hits.

Is that the number here? Yeah. Call us now. Has Ben turned up to your twerking class? No. This is not meant to be a phoner. The nation wants to know.

We'll go live to the phones. This is meant to be a chat. We're not going live to the... No. Has the smut peddler turned up to your 0800 the hits? Have we got someone? Producer Jew, someone's phoning.

This is a stitch. We've got someone. Take them. Hi, has Ben turned up to your online twerking class? Yeah, he did. He turned up to our twerking class last week. Last week. Oh, this is not true.

No, this is not true. I'm wrapping this up. I don't know how to because it's day one. Can I start it though? You just stuck around a little bit too long for it to be a mistake. Well, no. Apparently he's panicking. Oh, that's him panicking.

That's him trying to shut it down, but he accidentally makes the window bigger. Okay. Wrapping you up. Wra wrapping you up, wrapping you up, wrapping it up. These two germs are the 0.1% hand sanitizer can't get rid of. Jono and Ben's Iso Luncheon. On the hits. Okay, Zuma. Zup, zup, Zuma. This is Okay, Zuma, where we give the boomer in your life

a chance to win a prize for you involving the video calling app Zoom. Yeah, I don't know what everyone's obsession is with having to see people. Like, why can't a phone call just suffice? I don't know, but yeah, Zoom has suddenly become a big thing, right? It has, it's blown up and I've said to you many times, Ben, I think this is the communists gathering information at Intel

on us all. It's too good to be true. Like, why is it a thing? Why am I not paying for this? Anyway, so what we're going to do right now is we're going to talk to Ella, who's going to see if her boomer in her life can win her a prize. Yeah, Ella, welcome. Good to have you on. Thank you. Good to be on.

Your confidence level's going into this with your father. Do you think he's going to be able to hit us back on the Zoom within a minute? Absolutely not. And this is why we do it. Sorry, Dad. Okay. It's our love of up-to-date technology

and mocking boomers for no reason. No, yeah, no reason at all. It's combining our love. I mean, they don't deserve this. No. They've done nothing. All they've done is raise us and ruin the planet. I was just talking before how I blow out on Zoom,

you know, like, I've done it, so why are we doing this? No, it feels very ageist of us, but we're here now. Okay, we're here now. We're going to fill a break. That's right. So we're going to call your father. What's his name, Ella? Mark. Mark. Okay, let's give Mark a call, and we're going to really surprise him here. He's going to have to get his head around logging into his email,

how to answer the phone. Turning on the laptop, that's probably going to be the first thing. And that's going to suck up at least three days. Well, he's got one minute to basically get back into our Zoom meeting. Hello, Mark speaking. Oh, challenge one accepted. He's answered. Mark, it's Jono and Ben here from The Hits,

your favourite radio show you've never heard of. You're completely right. Thank you for your honesty. We appreciate it. You're part of our new game show. It's called OK Zoomer. What we're going to do is we're going to email you a Zoom meeting request. You've got one minute to accept that and Zoom yourself back to us.

That's Z-O-O-M. OK. We've got your email from your daughter Ella off here. And I'm pressing send now. Okay. You've got one minute to head to the desktop, the laptop, whatever it is, and zoom yourself back into our meeting. The timer starts now.

Are you on your email? I'm on my email, but it hasn't come through. Okay, well, this is taking up. We didn't factor this in, did we? No. Did Jono send the right email? Maybe. Did I send an email?

This is really backfired. Did we have one in, did we? No. Did Jono send the right email? Maybe. Did I send an email? This is really backfired. Did we have one job, Jono? No, I didn't. Okay, Ella, I don't need you chiming in, mate. All right? I'm very stressed out as it is. Okay, has it come through yet, Mark? Silence.

Silence. Come on, Mark. Is it there? No. Inbox. No. Inbox. No. Inbox. The ridiculous thing is I have just received an email

for a Zoom meeting from somebody else. Don't answer that one. No. No. It's true. It's true. Okay. Suit yourself for the meeting.

Time starts now. Here we go. He's got under a minute. For grabs, a Griffin's isolation snack pack. It's got everything including Griffin's Bickies, Eater Chippies and Nuts, Huntley and Palmer's Crackers, Nice and Natural Bars,

all the things to keep you going through lockdown. Thanks very much to the Griffins for that. It's awesome. And wonderful filler content there, Ben, as we're trying to eat up

60 seconds and Mark to log on to the Zoom meeting. Go on, Mark. It's there. Are you logged in? 90%. My meeting will begin at 90%.

At 90%? Your meeting will begin at 90%. At 90%? Your meeting will begin at 90%. That doesn't make sense. Well, we're 100% wanting you to come through. You've got 20 seconds, Mark. Come on, Mark. You can do it, Mark. I'm here.

I'm waiting. I can see myself in the meeting. Come on, Mark. You can do this. He's got 10 seconds. Come on, Mark. Nine, eight, seven, 6, 7. This is okay, Zuma.

Can Mark zoom his way into our meeting? We'll let you in. Did I just count from 9, 8, 7, 6, 7? And the time is up, Mark. Oh, Mark. Oh, seriously. I can't believe it. Ella's not happy.

Okay, tensions are high in the household. Oh, look, I can't. Their bubble is about to burst. I keep sweating. Because this is all about sharing the love and being kind, we... Their bubble is about to burst. Okay, so waiting. Because this is all about sharing the love and being kind, we're going to send you out that pack anyway, all right? Thanks very much. I'm sorry I failed.

No, it's all right. No, don't worry, mate. Okay, Zoomer, it's a fun game. Oh, there you go. There we go. Oh, no, that's not him. The ISO Luncheon with Jono and Ben on the hits. Our next guest joining us from lockdown,

a legendary Kiwi comic turned even more legendary in New Zealand. Does a great, a lot of great work for mental health. And he's joining us on the line right now. Mike King, how's it going, buddy? Yeah, good, brother. How are you? Good. You've turned the corner, haven't you?

Here we are, mate. We're family friendly now, mate. Mediaworks, no money. All right. Let's go to the establishment. Let's go where the money is. That's what we're hoping. There's only two blokes that should be worried.

I know the power play. I know what's happening. Sionville, look out, man. You still did me. Here we come. 15 years is us. John Owen Ben, old boy, step aside. No, it's a long play.

It's a long 15-year play, Mikey. It's a legendary play. No one's going to see it coming. Everyone expects you to go to the breeze. We know. We know. Hey, Mike King, always love talking to you. Last week you had your Gun Boot Day, National Gun Boot Day,

on a bit of a different level? A completely different level. This is the first year that we didn't feel like we could ask people for money, given the struggles that everyone's under at the moment and the uncertainties. So we didn't

ask for money, yet we still came out of it and it looks like when it's all in the wash up, we're going to be able to get close to 4,000 free counselling sessions out, so it's a good the wash up, we're going to be able to get close to 4,000 free counselling sessions out. So it's a good result, New Zealand. Well done. Well, Mike, you've done amazing work for mental health in New Zealand over the last few years. But obviously it's a time right now for the country that a lot of people would be suffering from anxiety, worry about the virus, worry about jobs. What advice do you have to pass on to them to hopefully get through this next whatever it's going to be in lockdown?

Well, it's pretty simple, really. You know, it's like at the moment, you know, no one used to drive to work in the morning traffic and you're bleeding about, you know, and you're getting all upset about the traffic jam. It doesn't clear the traffic jam. So the only thing that has to change is how we think about this. And like, for example, for myself, I've got to look after my charity. I don't get paid by my charity, but I've got five other people there and five other families that I have to try and continue to support. All my work dried up for the rest of the year, so I've got no income. But the way I look at it, everyone's in the same boat. And if I sat down there

and started going over and over, what am started going over and over what am I going to do what am I going to do what am I going to do then I'm just I'm just wasting my time completely so I'm not worrying about what's happening in the future I'm not worrying about any of the decisions I've made in the past I just stay focused on where we are right now I've just seen my wife and my little six-year-old shooting up the road with the dog and she's riding her bike and I'm just so happy and thankful that you know that they're still with me and you know and and I've got a lot to look forward to when I wake up tomorrow and that's what I urge everyone to do stop catastrophizing don't worry about what's going to go on in the future because no matter what happens it's happening to us all and so no one's going to starve to death no one's going to starve to death. No one's going to starve to death.

We're all going to make it through tomorrow and the next day and the next day. And we should do that as positively as we can by focusing on what we've got. You know what I like about Mike is he's just got such a good way with words. I could never say anything like that. No. And what you've just said there is like a Martin Luther King style inspirational speech. I could never pull that off. No, thanks, man.

But, you know, it's true. I just wake up every morning thankful that my baby's still here. I mean, I know for a fact that there's at least one family this week that's going to wake up and be told that their baby's got cancer. You know what I mean? So who am I to sit there and go, whoa, whoa, it's me. I'm just completely thankful that, you know, that my family's good at the moment. And I'm not going to wait for something bad to happen.

I'm going to enjoy it now, right now. And, you know, the other thing that I'm thankful for is, you know, we've got people like yourselves out there. I mean, it's a really tough job you guys have got now, right? Because you go, where's the line between funny and staying serious? And no one rides that line better than you guys. And we need people like you in this country right now to lift our spirits and remind us we've got so much

to be thankful for, man. So much to be thankful for. It's just a super cool country to be in right now. Now, Mike, of course, you were New Zealander of the Year a couple of years ago. Where's that award? Do you take it around? Do you get to park? Any park in the car park or anything?

You want the truth, bro? You want the truth? Yeah, I want the truth. All rewards go straight to the trailer, mate. Go on to the refuge station. Actually, not like a movie star trailer that you've got outside. No, so he takes it to the dump. No, no.

No, no. A trailer full of shit. That's where it all goes, no. Into the dump. No, no. A trailer full of shit. That's where it all goes, brother. It all goes. I mean, you know, how many of your

TV awards have you guys still got? Well, we only ever got one and it's... I've still got that. And it's on top of my bed where it belongs.

So that I tell my wife every night... If we had one a lot more, you're right, we would have got rid of them. Oh, Mike King, because I would have thought if you're a New Zealander of the year

and you have an argument with your wife, you're like, do you know who you're currently disagreeing with? The goddamn New Zealander of the year? Mate, so every time I drive, I'm the world's worst driver and so I cut people off.

I just do my own thing, and, like, I run the occasional red arrow. I love it. I just do my own thing on the road. Did you just have an accident a couple of months back? Yeah, I did. I did. The cop said to me,

the cop said to me, you still don't have your full licence, so I go, yeah, but I'm New Zealanders. Really, me? Are you going to carry? He said, like, true story. He said, are I'm New Zealanders either. Really, me? They're going to carry you. He said, like, true story. He said, are you going to, you're going to,

he said, we're going to have to make you do it. I said, listen, dude, I'm never riding anymore. I'm done. We're finished. He goes, okay, case closed. Bikes are all gone. Bikes are all gone.

Wife's happy. Dog's happy. Child's happy. Oh, Mike, it's always so good to catch up with you you are always so positive and you do such great work for our country

we need you and we need positivity like this so thanks for your time buddy oh no thank you I still can't believe they gave you guys a job okay wrap him up guys

wrap him up he's still on turn him off Mildew okay okay we don't know how the desk works here it's day one thank you boys you're a good man thank you see you Mike see you mate Okay, okay. We don't know how the desk works here. Stay one. Take care, boys.

Yeah, good man. Thank you, mate. See you, mate. Jono and Ben's ISO luncheon. All the hits. The ISO luncheon almost coming to an end, but before we go... Oh! It's gone so quick.

It's been a lot of fun talking to everyone today. I haven't worked for three months and we're starting with a very gruelling hour of radio. Before we go, we want to reward someone who's doing the hard yards for New Zealand while we're all in isolation. You know, essential service worker, whether a doctor, a nurse, supermarket worker,

taxi driver out there. Oh, the Bitcoin traders? They're good? No. No, no, no. What about those Nigerian guys who come into millions of US dollars and just want to conveniently deposit that

into your bank account? If you know someone, thanks to GrabOne, we're going to give them a $250 GrabOne voucher each day on the show. So let's call someone now. I was looking at the GrabOne website today. You can do online te reo classes starting from $200. You can do that. Get a bike.

You can do anything. Get restaurant vouchers. You can use those at the moment. Well, you can soon. I mean, yeah, it's a great thing to have right now. Hello, Des speaking. Well, you can soon. I mean, yeah, it's a great thing to have right now. Hello, Des speaking. Oh, Des. Guess who,

no, you guess who it is, Des? The radio station. Who is it? Your two favourite radio hosts? Don't do this, it's day one. Son? You name them.

Who are your two favourite radio hosts? Oh, I can't think because I'm not home to listen to the radio. Oh, that's right, just name your favourite radio host. Don't do this.

There's no good can come from this. Is it Ben? That was with confidence. And the other guy. Who is he? Oh, no, I can't think. Hey, Dez, it's all right. Hang up on her.

Dez, we want to reward you with a $250 Grab One voucher for all the great work you're doing at the moment. Oh, lovely, yeah. What do you do, Des? I'm a cleaner in Kenapuri Hospital. Oh, mate, and I tell you what, you would be one of the most exposed to it. Yes, on the wards, we're pretty safe at the moment.

And that, yeah. Nurses are lovely and everything, yeah. I imagine when you get home, too, there's probably like your clothes and all this sort of stuff, there's probably a lot of cleaning to go on there. Yeah, wash your uniforms every night and that, yeah. Well, Des, New Zealand couldn't get through this very fiddly period without people like you and your two favourite radio announcers. What are their names again?

I'm going to give you a $250 Grab One voucher for you to spend, and it's a very small token of Aotearoa's appreciation for your work. That's lovely. Thank you very much. It was lovely. I've never seen anything so lovely. Take care of yourself, Dears. Thank you for all the work you're doing, and thank you to Grab One for that $250 voucher. Everyday Essentials delivered today.

The hit stock code at NZ if you've got someone to win that voucher tomorrow. We'd love to hear from you. We'll be back tomorrow with Chris Mack from 660. Tony Street's going to be joining us from the breakfast show as well. Yep, and Ben wanted to sign off for our new show and I haven't run this by him. Not this one. So I'm going to start now. Here's our official

sign off. New Zealand, stay safe, stay sanitised. Good day.