Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - FULL: Jono's In With The Chinese Government...

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Jono's daughter is embarrassed of him.. Ben has ben saying stuff wrong?? Easter jargon game! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Kia ora, welcome. Thanks to Challenge Petrol Service Stations. Putting the service back into service stations. They're bringing you this Jono and Ben podcast. When you're on the forecourt, are you doing the whole kit and caboodle yourself? Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't remember the last time someone's actually helped me with the bowser. I like that. You always taught me that word, the bowser, the petrol bowser.

Yeah, the thing you insert into the hole. I don't think, yeah. do they still come out and help you I guess you would challenge petrol service stations they would they would if you needed to right

but I think most people generally can cover that themselves I was at a challenge petrol service station the other day and they were quite busy

so there's no one on the forecourt but this old lady came up to me and she's like can you show me how to do this she would have been

in her 70s and she said in her time in New Zealand she's never ever filled a tank of gas up Oh God bless New Zealand And were you like

Mate do it yourself I was like I look like a bloody slave mate Nah and then I pulled the thing out And then The thing was still squirting I squirted petrol on her foot I felt really bad

But Squirted petrol On an elderly lady's foot And that would have cost her Like a hundred No Yeah She's like

Don't worry mate These sandals have been through the floods they've been through it all don't worry don't worry but a petrol won't change all that highly flammable for the rest of the day wasn't she she lit a cigarette it was r.o.p she was sweet sweet sweet lady we'll miss her a lot she'll live in our in our hearts forever do you know the uh the thing that annoys me when you put the bowser in and you pull up the handle and then sometimes the handle doesn't hold back. Oh, yeah.

And you're having to constantly kind of try and hook it on. Because there is that little clip that you can walk away. You can walk away. Sometimes the clip doesn't work. Yeah. I do remember back in the days they used to put in like a $10 or a $20, you know, when you first drive in your car. It lasts you five days.

Yeah. But it's just the reality of where we are in life, you know? That's exactly. There we go. We've done a reminiscing. Joel poured petrol on an old lady's foot. And now we'll get into the podcast. Today, the Easter jargon game.

Of course, we are heading into Easter and we're a real inconvenience for some lady who was just trying to get about her day. I mean, calling just numbers, random numbers, it's a staple of our show it's a staple of you know it's a string to our bow been but the longer we do it and the more we inconvenience people i'm like no one's winning out of this no one looks oh that's on the podcast as well as a phrase i've been getting wrong and in fact a few phrases uh they're probably ones that you've been saying and we've all been saying them wrong that's on the podcast and jono you've reached uh a period in your life as a parent where something's happening and i think i'm going to revel in it i have i hold i wield more power in the family makeup actually you've got you've got two options

you can take it as like hurt and insult you're like oh you can you can go hey i can use this to my advantage and you really are The power is in your hands. What's going on? Find out in the podcast. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. A lot of talk about TikTok recently in the news around the privacy, whether people are getting spied on or whether they're taking your information. You would have seen a bit of it around conspiracy theories.

But I thought this is really interesting. I wasn't aware of this. This is from The Project Australia. They do a version of The Project over there as well. And this is their host talking about TikTok. She doesn't have TikTok, but this is what she said. We don't have TikTok, but if we watch, you know, even not having the app,

we could still have our data collected by TikTok. If you watch a video that's sent to you, it collects your browser type, your phone info, and your IP address. But how else would they serve you the fun little video? So there you go.

Not even with even having TikTok, as if you just... Tell you what, the Chinese communists, they're doing a pretty good job. Didn't we install, I think the New Zealand government's been installing cameras made

by the Chinese Communist Party. And they're probably like, sure, mate, got a great deal on these cameras. How much are they? Quarter of the price of the other cameras. Grant Robertson's, oh, they're saving heaps on the spreadsheet, the budget, guys. Chuck them in, mate, chuck them in.

Where are you getting them from? China. Cheap as, mate. Yeah. Yeah, so apparently, well, hey, they'll probably take over the world one day. Good on them. Yeah. Always been a big backer of China.

Now, Ben, yesterday something happened. My daughter made a request. Why are you laughing? Do you just say stuff? Always. I was just like, I've always been a big backer of China. I'm like, okay. That's why I'm laughing.

I'm like, do you even listen to the words that come out of your mouth sometimes? I mean, it's fine if you want to be a backer. But I'm like, has he? Has he? I don't out of your mouth sometimes? I mean, it's fine if you want to be a man. But I'm like, has he? Has he? I don't know. Well, maybe he has it. I don't know. We haven't had conversations about it.

I'm just saying that now that I'm worried they're going to take over the world. I'll get this audio and I'll play it to them when it all comes down. I was taking my daughter somewhere and I was actually telling her what a big backer of China I was taking my daughter somewhere, and I was actually telling her what a big backer of China I was. Boy, I said it. He'll vouch for me. And she's like... Those security cameras we installed at home.

They're great. Yeah, call her at the price, mate. But no, she's like, can you... So I'm taking her to school. Can you drop me down the road? You know, she had some after school activity. Drop me down the road. I've hit the drop me down the road stage.

You're at that stage. It happens, doesn't it? My daughter's at the, I'm just taking the bus stage. She does that, so I don't even have to take that part of that. So embarrassed. They're just embarrassed by our existence. This is a very powerful position we're in, though, isn't it? You and me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, you can definitely swing into school, through the thing, park right out front, toot and wave. Arms open. Darling! There's no worse moment, though, when you're growing up, is there, than having to be associated with the people that created you.

We've all been through it. I know. For a while, it's great, and then it's like, oh, these people, they're here. Yeah. When she was like, drop me down the road, I felt like a bloody getaway driver. I was thinking, do I do a ram raid or something? No, wait, here, you come running out with the goods. But there we go.

Big backer in China. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. Heading into an Easter weekend where the weather looks not the best, not the greatest. Heading into a long weekend. Very, very busy day at the airport. It's on the roads around the country today. So allow yourself a little extra time if you're heading anywhere today.

Now, what we like to do sometimes in moments of topicality, Ben, is a call with jargon to restaurants cafes bars to book tables and what we need to do the game is that we try and insert words or jargon you know and seamlessly into the conversation so being easter we thought yesterday after the program let's call a cafe yeah around about lunch time which is probably not the right time to call a cafe to be honest because they're busy it's a busy time and we're trying to, well you're trying to insert words, Easter related words into a conversation.

Just say whatever you need to say. Don't make it so confusing. Let's get this booking done. So this is, we phoned Pete Tivey yesterday. Now this is to Jono and Ben continue the tradition of inconveniencing hard working Kiwis. So here we go. I'll try my best to get some Easter jargon in there.

You'll hear a bell ring every time he gets one. Good afternoon. I want to come and sip my hot cross buns down at one of your tables. Say that again. I want to come and sip my hot cross buns down at one of your tables. You want to bring hot cross buns down at one of your tables. You want to bring hot cross buns here?

No, no, I want to sit my hot cross buns down at one of your tables. Oh, yes. No, we don't take bookings, but we've got a few tables available, so you should be all right. Is it okay to walk in? Because my family will crucify me if we don't get a table. How many of you are there? Four.

Four. Yeah, we're just starting to get a bit busy, so I can't guarantee, but we do have heaters outside. Now, my partner's very hot. Cross the road, actually. You might know her. Who's that? No, that's fine.

If you don't know her, that's fine. Is there an old... I'm not sure. Yeah, all I fine. If you don't know her, that's fine. Is there an old... I'm not sure. Yeah, all I can say is come and have a look, but I've only got two tables available inside at the moment and probably four outside. Do you serve rabbits? You may or may not get one.

Do you serve rabbits? Although potentially some people will leave too, so it's always worth a try. Do you serve rabbits? Okay, hopefully we'll see you soon. Thank you. Do you serve rabbits? Bye. Before you go, it's John and Ben calling. Do you serve rabbits? Okay, hopefully we'll see you soon. Thank you. Bye.

You there? Before you go, it's Jono and Ben calling from the Hits radio station. Oh, you're kidding me. Yeah, that's Jono was trying to insert as many Easter phrases into the conversation. That's why it was so random. Oh, no.

You sound very busy. I'm so sorry to interrupt. That's all right. Sorry, I'm just a bit busy. No, that's fine. Jesus, there's You sound very busy. I'm so sorry to interrupt. That's all right. Sorry, I'm just a bit busy. No, that's fine. Jesus, there's a lot going on. There is. We're the best cafe in Greymouth.

Now, do you have tablecloths? Are they holy? Yeah, there you go. There's another one as well. You didn't get eggs in there, did you? No. How are you going to weave that in there? Well, do you serve eggs?

Oh, good one. We do, but our breakfast menu's finished. Okay, well, let's just pretend it's open. I can pass you on to someone else. No, no, no. We've held up enough of anyone's time over there. Hey, we're going to send you out something. You're a good sport.

Oh, thank you. Have a good day. Bye. Have you got a... Oh, okay. She was so busy and so lovely to hang around. But if we just look back, there were multiple red flags for that phone call. Multiple times she tried to go, okay, thank you, I've got to move on with my busy day.

Us, soulless commercial, desperate radio announcers, we didn't pick up on these signs. I want to come and sip my hot cross buns down at one of your tables. Say that again? Is there an old... I'm not sure, all I can say is come and have a look. Do you serve rabbit? Okay, hopefully we'll see you soon. Thank you. I can pass you on to someone else.

No, no, no, we've held up enough of anyone's time. Oh, thank you. Have a good day. Bye. Have you got a... Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm very, very sorry. We're annoying, aren't we? Oh, yeah. And I'm like...

Sometimes you go, what are we doing for a job? The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. Long weekend, going to be a bit of traffic around. Busiest day at the airport of the year, they reckon, today so far. Tonight, we're in airports around the country and the weather not looking that great. In fact, we'll have a bit of a weather update in the next 15 minutes for you. Yeah, Phil Duncan. Now, you've been getting a saying wrong.

Yeah. You've just learned it. But when you said it, I was like, damn it, I've been saying the same thing. There's a couple. There was one the other day, which led me to the one that we were talking about, where I was just adamant with my wife. I said something, and I shouldn't argue with my wife when it comes to sayings because she's a teacher.

But anyway, I said something, and I said said you should just never argue with your wife well happy wife happy life what about happy me what about you know I want to be right on one of these things I said something the other day and I said for all intents and purposes and she was like what'd you say and I said for all intents and purposes and she's like but when you when you get the what did you say you start to mumble over it yeah and I was like and I. And she's like, stop. But when you get the, what did you say? You start to mumble over it. Yeah, and I was like, it's all intents and purposes. All intent and purposes. And I was like, what?

No, no. It's one of those things I've said quite a few times throughout my speaking career. And it's been illustrious, your speaking career. But isn't that like a practical thing? Yeah, well. Does that mean it's practicality, all intents and purposes? Yeah, all intent and purposes. Intent and purposes.

Yeah. So I went away. She's like, Google it. I went away and she said, what did Google say? And I went, you know, like I was wrong. I was wrong. I was in that position. And I was wrong.

And I didn't want to put it on. Wi-Fi's down. Can't get on. Yeah. But it's with sayings. Look, and then it led me on to other sayings that people get wrong. And there's a lot with sayings. Look, and then it got led me on to other sayings that people get wrong. And there's a lot of sayings. Some I found more amusing that people say, like some people say escape goat, like a goat that's escaped rather than scapegoat,

which I quite like the escape goat. I think it sounds quite cool. There was a guy at our old place of work who would say, whatever floats your goat. And no one corrected him. That is whatever floats your boat. No one even knows. I'm sure goats probably do float.

But, yeah, but you're right. The other one that said a lot of people say nip it in the butt or nip it in the bud is the other, you know, which way it is as well. It's not nip it in the butt. It's nip it in the bud. Curl up in the feeble position. A lot of people say that as well. It's fetal position.

It's actually card sharp, not card shark. Oh, card shark. Oh, card shark. Oh, really? Yeah, so that's one. I was like, another one, I was like, oh, I've been saying that wrong for many years. And it's actually on tenterhooks, not tenderhooks. That was one we were talking about.

We were like, oh, we've both been saying that wrong for many, many years. We had a wonderful boss at a previous radio station. And he would try these sayings and get them about 85%, 90% correct. But his big one was balls to the floor. Yeah, so we're entering a busy period in work. Everyone, put your balls to the floor. And we're like, I'm pretty sure everyone was like,

balls to the floor. And it's actually, I think it's from airplanes. They've got balls on top of the levers that speed up the plane. So the saying is you pull those towards the wall behind them and then they take off. You don't put them on the floor. You always want to crouch. How busy are we heading? What's happened?

I think the money bunny might have just run out. The money bunny is deceased We started this Battery operated bunny At 6.05 They weren't brand new batteries It's not going, it's dead Every minute it's been operating It has gained a dollar

It's going into the prize pool If you've texted, what's the time? 8.25 Let's find out who the closest is went off but let's let's find out who the closest is to that and they will win next with the money bunny on the hits the hits the jonah and ben podcast getting into a long easter weekend and so we've got a battery operated bunny in the studio called the money bunny which plays a song on loop over and over again we've had to put it in the soundproof booth.

We keep putting it in there because it's quite noisy. But what you need to do is text 4487. We put some old batteries in. We don't know how long they're going to last, but if you want to guess the time that the batteries run out, you'll get the money. And every minute the bunny goes for, more money gets added to the telly.

What are we up now? So what? We started just after six, about five past six. It's five past eight. So $120. $120. So far, the telly. What are we up now? So what, we started just after six, about five past six. It's five past eight. Producer B. Hums is... It's $120. $120. So far, the money bunny.

Yeah, so just text, you can text as many times as you want, what time you think the bunny will run out of battery. And as we keep saying on Morning, hopefully soon, because that song, you know, it's kind of annoying. Now, this weekend, obviously, wonderful weekend. Doubled in size, didn't it? Like me coming out of a government lockdown, it had doubled in size this weekend, four days. Yeah, you're right.

And there's a job that I have been putting off for three, three and a half years probably. Cleaning the windows. Right. Do you enjoy cleaning windows? No. That is the one chore. I don't think even window cleaners enjoy cleaning windows.

And it's, you know, when you sort of sit inside and the sun's bursting out of the window, and you're like, oh. But then you're like, it's going to be nighttime soon. Yeah, you just wait for the sun to go away. Don't worry about it. When you're outside with the hose, you can spray it a little bit with the windows

and say, that's a cleaner windows. You're right, I couldn't remember the last time I cleaned the windows in our house. No. And I'm like, maybe, because I get to a holiday period, and I'm like, well, this is the time, if you're ever going to do it, Christmas. Christmas, New Year's, clean the windows. And you're ever going to do it Christmas Christmas, New Years

clean the windows and then I get to the tail end of Christmas, New Years I was like well you know buddy what's coming up Waitangi weekend

wait until Waitangi weekend Waitangi weekend comes and goes what's the next one Easter? Yeah probably Easter and I'm probably going to get to Monday

and go Labour weekend it's going to be the time but you've got you're like me. You've got a dog. You've got kids. People put their hands.

You know, it's probably just leave it. Let it be. Let the windows be. I'm seriously considering just smashing them out. Having no windows at all. So we want to know this morning, is there a job, is there a chore that you've been putting off for the longest time?

For the longest time. For us at home, our bedroom, for some reason our light went off in the bedroom. Like it just went, the power went off. And couldn't turn it back on, tried the fuse, couldn't. So the plugs work, the bedside light works, but the main light in the bedroom doesn't work. And it's kind of at that,

it's probably been about six months now. We're at that period where we're like, well, you can still function in the room because there's another light. And you got used to the dimmer setting? Yeah. Like if you replace it, it's going to be like a sun. Yeah.

So we have just decided, and it doesn't feel like enough of a thing to get a job or get an electrician around, so we're like, well, just wait. And we've left that one for the longest time. I pointed to you, mate. That was when you were going to play that song. Too busy playing Marvin Gaye, aren't you, in the background? Producer Jolly's not going to come through with no producing?

Okay. All right, that's fine. We'll keep rolling on. Oh, 800 of the hits, though. What have you been putting off for the longest time? No, still not? No, still not. What does he mean?

He's been putting off playing that for the longest time right now. Right now. What's up? The hits. The Jono and Ben podcast. President Trump, former President Trump, arrested in America yesterday, causing big news around the world.

But he liked to use, he turned it into a bit of publicity and he talked about his perfect phone call for some reason. Have a listen. Local racist Democrat district attorney in Atlanta who is doing everything in her power to indict me over an absolutely perfect

phone call. Even more perfect than the one I made with the President of Ukraine. Remember I kept saying that's a perfect call. This one was more perfect. That's a perfect call. He made a perfect call. I know he's got a lot of downsides.

A lot of nigs. Yeah, a lot. The audiograms for our show and content, you just miss it, don't you? That's a perfect call. Biden's not coming to the party with that sort of stuff, is he? He's not making a perfect call, is he? No, he's asleep by four in the afternoon. And he'd be one of those people that'd be talking on and on, wouldn't he, Biden? Trump's just got a little, it was perfect.

How, like, I just want to know how much more perfect it was than the one to Zelensky. That was a perfect call. I answered in two rings. Hello. Got all the questions out. It was perfect. Tell you what's not perfect is jobs hanging over your head in this weekend. A lot of people are sucking up there.

We spoke to someone at 720. They're like, my backyard looks like a forest. Looks like the Waitakere Rangers out there. So they've employed the help of 20 of their friends to just mow it down. Yeah, that's pretty awesome, isn't it? We could burn it too. A lot of people just burn it, don't they? The forests.

So, Trey, what have you been putting off for? For the longest time. I have a light bulb in the wash house. When you turn it on, it flickers off and on like a disco light. And when you turn it off, you've got to turn off the switch and then tap the light bulb and it turns off.

It's been like that for over five years. I love it. I love it that you've just said that. I mean, it sounds very dangerous, but at the same time, we want to hook you up with some hell pizza. Cool, thank you. Well done. And you do, and you're like, you step back

and you pull yourself out of the situation, Trey, and you're like, all I need to do is go down to even to a dairy, get a light bulb and screw it in, but no, it's easier to just tap it. Oh, well, in terms of light bulb, it's a electrical problem.

Oh, yeah, I see what you're saying. Well, Emma, we'll get you on. What have you been putting off for? For the longest time.

Oh, I'm packing my house after moving. Oh, that's never a fun job, is it? How long have you lived in the new place? Only after moving. Oh, that's never a fun job, is it? How long have you lived in the new place? Only a year.

You've got the essentials out. You've got your bras and knicks out, don't you, Emma? Yeah, yeah, and the husband and the kids. And, yeah, I think, you know, that's fine. You've unpacked the husband and the kids. That's all you need? Yeah. What's hidden away that you haven't got to?

Do you know, I don't even want to know. I just go into the garage and it makes me sad, and so I just leave again. Yeah, good on you. Shut the garage door. What I found is when we moved, because you have a lot of stuff in storage, you forget what you've got in storage. It's like none of the stuff I needed. Same with me, except for the Christmas decorations.

That was the only thing in a year that I was like, oh, my God, that must be there. The rest of it I'm like, get rid of. I don't need any of this in my life. Yeah, sell it to those people who buy containers and that sort of thing. Good on you, Emma. Hell pizza on your way, okay? Thank you. Good on you.

Hayley Hamilton. How's our maid Hayley this morning? Hello, guys. How are you? Yeah, we're doing well. Nice to hear from you. What have you been putting off for? For the longest time.

Well, you're not going to be impressed, but cleaning my spa pool. Well, I'm impressed you've got a spa pool. That's pretty cool. But then at the same time I'm like, well, is anyone sitting in the spa pool? How long has it not been cleaned? I reckon it's supposed to be cleaned every

like, I think, 8 to 12 weeks and I reckon it's been closer to 6 months. But I just pour in that chlorine and hope it's for the best. And layers of your skin slowly peel off with the chemicals. Yeah, when I start itching, that's when I'll clean it. Hey, good on you, Hayley. We'll get you some hell pizza, all right? Thanks, guys.

Thanks, and thanks to Billy Joel as well. Yeah. Yeah, it was nice to have a little bit of Billy Joel through that, wasn't it?