Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - Hugh van Cuylenburg, Founder Of The Resilient Project and The Imperfects Podcast

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

We talk to mental health coach Hugh van Cuylenburg!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now, Hugh Van Silenberg, he hosts a podcast, a very successful podcast. It's called The Imperfects, and it's coming to New Zealand for a live show in April next year. All the tickets are on sale right now. So the story's about mental resilience, and he's got some amazing stories, including working with some very top athletes in Australia. But Hugh, your life changed when you took a trip to India. Yeah, I mean, I was a primary school teacher who loved being a primary school teacher in Melbourne, Australia.

And my ex-partner said to me, we should go traveling. And then she said, I want to go to India. I remember arriving in this village called Tiksay to volunteer. We're meant to be there for two weeks. And after the first night, I said to the principal, I'm really sorry. It's just going to be two nights because there was no running water. There was no electricity. There were no electricity.

There were no beds. Everyone sleeps on the floor. And I remember thinking to myself, there's no way I can live here for two weeks. This is impossible. It was just the poorest community I'd ever seen. And the next day was my first day in the school. And I remember meeting the kids. And I remember thinking, never in my life have I ever seen joy like this before. I just remember thinking, these kids are so unbelievably happy. And two weeks turned into three and a half months. And I stayed there really because I was

just watching what these people did every day. Because my little sister, Georgia, had been in and out of hospital for a great, a big chunk of her life with a mental illness, anorexia nervosa. And I just wanted to understand how these people who have nothing were so full of joy. And that's what started the Resilience Project, really. What makes them so happy? Well, this is what we talk about a lot in our podcast, and we talk about a lot in the live show that we do. But there was lots of stuff they do. But if I could really distill the whole three and a half months into three things, they practice gratitude, which is the ability to pay attention to what you've got, not worry about what you don't have. And we struggle with that in countries like New Zealand and Australia. We really,

we spend so much time thinking, if I got that promotion, then I feel happy. If I drive that car, then I feel happy. If you want to be happy, have a look at what you've already got. We got so much in countries like New Zealand and Australia, but we don't pay attention to the stuff we've already got. They often talk about the best part of their day. That's how you practice gratitude. You just stop and reflect on what went well for you during the day. They do that all the time. That's the first thing. The second thing is they practice empathy. So they spend time with each other. They ask questions.

They listen. And they're so kind. Like I got sick. I got really sick for about four days. And I never in my life have I been so crowded by people which wouldn't leave me alone. Everyone was sitting with me. I was fine.

I was like a bit about a gastro. I want to be myself, but I couldn't get space. Everyone was patting me on the back. The last thing you want couldn't get space. Everyone's patting me on the back. The last thing you want when you've got gastro is people patting you on the back. You're like, I'm very fragile at the moment. I love these people so much, but I was saying, can you please leave me alone? Just go away. No, no, no.

No, no. You need love. You need love. It's like, no, I don't need love. I need privacy. I'm going to just spew everywhere. Where was those men to you before? A lot of big athletes too in Australia. Like, no, I don't need privacy. I'm going to just spew everywhere. You work with those, Ben, as you said before,

a lot of big athletes too in Australia. Is there one common thing amongst all athletes that they worry about? Because it's a performance-based game, obviously. Yeah, no matter if it's NRL or AFL or netball or soccer, you're right. It's all, you know, trying to be the best. Yeah, there's quite a few common themes that come through

i'm going to say this one because i think it relates i think a lot of us will relate to this in our own lives but for a lot of elite athletes they base their identity is i'm really good at sport and their whole life they've felt like well people like me because i'm really good at sport and if they don't play well they have this feeling that they're not worthy and people don't like them because they're not playing well at the moment and i think think a lot of us have this identity. I'm a lawyer. That's my identity or whatever it is, whatever it is that you do. I'm an accountant or that's our identity. We mix that up with who we actually are as a person. And our self-worth is not determined by what we do. A lot of what I do is try to help athletes just go, hey, what kind of person do you

want to be? And they'll say stuff like, I want to be a kind person. I want to be a generous person. I want to be a grateful person. Okay, well, let's work on that. That's your identity. That's how people will describe you. And it doesn't matter how well you're playing. It doesn't matter how well you're practicing as a lawyer, an accountant, whatever. You can still turn up to work every day and you can still be kind every single day. You can still, all those kinds of things, you can still, you can control those things. The other thing that comes up a lot is, I work with the Queensland State of Origin side over the last two series.

And for a lot of them, it was gratitude. It was just, you know, a lot of them are anxious about the series coming up or they're stressed about it. What happens if we don't win? What if I don't play well? What will people think of me? And I just said to them, just how many put your hand up right now is you know when you're a kid what was your dream i don't know how many of you dreamt to

play uh origin footy for queensland every single hand went up and i just said well hey you're living your dream right now this is your you're living your dream how lucky you i think that's just a room and for a lot of us like we might not be living out our absolute childhood dream of but for a lot of us um we got to be living out our absolute childhood dream, but for a lot of us, we've got to get better at focusing on the stuff that is going well for us because for a lot of us, there's a lot going well. Oh, Hugh Van Salenberg, the Imperfects, the podcast you can catch right now, but the live show coming to the Bruce Mason Centre April 6th. Amazing insight you always offer us on the radio.

We really do appreciate it. Yeah, thanks for having me, John.