Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - May 22 - Urzila Carlson, Synchronised Answering, The Lengths Your Parents Went For You

Episode Date: May 21, 2020

It's time to premiere our Rap BattleThe lengths your parents went for youWe want to guess your professionSpySavage called inBen's neighbour crashed into an optometristUrzila Carlson called inThe A To Z Of New ZealandSynchronised AnsweringBig News Small TownScrolling Through Your FeedRude AwakeningNews In BeepsSpySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Just when you thought you couldn't get enough of Jono and Ben, you can have them anywhere, anytime. Welcome to the Jono and Ben podcast. Welcome to the podcast on your Friday. Great to have you here. Anyone listen to this, Producer Juliette? Have you seen the insights? Yes, Alan said I think we hit, oh gosh, I can't remember the number now, but the first thing I saw him... Billion, I think it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A billion downloads. Yeah, because we're topping iHeartRadio. First podcast to get a billion downloads. I know, this think it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A billion downloads. Yeah, because we're topping iHeartRadio. First podcast to get a billion downloads. I know, this thing's massive. Thank you. Thank you for pandering to our fragile egos. No worries. It's my job.

I guess she does know the number, but she didn't tell us. Oh, he did say it was a... Oh, no, I can't remember. And then you bowled over and said a billion. Just to make us feel better. Yes. One of our big bugbears, we were saying yesterday, is not knowing what to say in this odd minute before the podcast starts.

I reckon we should just get straight into the podcast Yeah we sort of fumble around Like we're awkwardly looking for a condom or something Before we get things started But I've found podcast conversation discussions Oh good So we'd like to just cover Yesterday was give some advice

Yep Today Ben Give us a recommendation What's your favourite meal? I don't know. The first thing that pops up in my head was spaghetti bolognese. It's not. Oh, that is such a boring meal.

You don't get more of a white person Wednesday night meal than spaghetti bolognese. I don't know why that pops up in my head. It's not my favourite meal. Do you know how many times a week I eat spaghetti bolognese? Every night? Yeah, pretty much. Anyway, enough of us meandering.

Enjoy the podcast. It's a fun one today. Not a morning person. Anyway, enough of us meandering. Enjoy the podcast. It's a fun one today. Not a morning person? Sadly, neither of these two. It's Jono and Ben on the heads. It's going to be a week

pretty much until the Warriors play. Sport is back. Sport a little bit different, of course. And yesterday on TVNZ they were talking about some of the changes

that cricket might have and Anna Burns-Francis had to say this. Cricket Australia is looking at dipping balls in disinfectant. Well, the NRL's bleaching the balls, weren't they? That's what they are going to do. I'm not just saying that for... No, that's true.

That was another news story a while ago to stop the spread of COVID-19. They were bleaching the footballs. Nightmare on the uniforms, though. Bloody white bleachers, you know, all over your Warriors uniform. Yeah, you don't want that, eh? Going through a lot of jerseys. I was watching, speaking of TVNZ, I was watching TVNZ On Demand last night. I don't know if you saw that show The Tribe Next Door. No, I haven't

seen it. Genius idea. So they moved like an English family from London into an African tribe. Oh, I've seen a trailer for it, yes. Yeah, like the sort of tribe you'd see on National Geographic. Right. And so they, yeah,

they build a house, like a proper English house in this village. And so the African villagers live next door to these English people and they sort of blend in with the community.

Oh, I see how they sort of cope living in the... And they don't, the African people, they don't wear bras, do they? A lot of... Well, that's not their... That's their thing.

That's just how they go. But you sort of see over time how much, you know, support a bra does actually provide to a chest. Right, right, right. And eventually they hang. But they get the daughter

from the English family. They're like, you've got to dress like us. And she's like, what? They're like, you look silly. And she's just wearing like a dress. And she's like,

what do you mean? She's like, you need to get naked and dress like us. She's like, I just signed up for a TV show. I don't know what this was. And then my favourite part was the English husband was talking to a guy from the village. And the guy from the village is like, oh, what's your hobbies? And he's like, I like

doing metal detecting. So he showed him his metal detector and the guy from the village is like, this is blowing my mind. So they have no sort of like technology or anything and then they showed them a washing machine and they're like

what but then the guy from the village was like you know what my hobby is and he's like no he's like

what I like doing is leaving my wife at home and going out and sleeping with other girls it's a hobby and the guy's like

oh okay so his hobby's adultery really and I was like why are you saying this on television, you mad dog? And then I was like, well, his wife's never going to see this. He can say it with confidence, she's never going to find out.

Obviously, they've got loose lips, sink ships in that village, no word's going to get out. Like starting your day without your morning coffee. It's Jono and Ben on my heads. Now it is New Zealand Music Month and, you know, I don't think we're helping out, to be honest, helping make it that better because we were issued a challenge from Adam and Megan.

They do the Hawke's Bay Breakfast Show on the hits and they issued us a challenge because Adam turned The Gruffalo, the famous book, into a rap song and did a blimmin' good job. A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood A fox saw the mouse and the mouse looked good Where are you going to, little brown mouse? Come and have lunch in my underground house. Did a wonderful job.

Did a wonderful job of that. And so then he phoned us up. He's like, hey, well, I'm going to give you guys till Friday to come up with a children's book and a rap. And we'll have a battle. And we'll get New Zealand rapping hip-hop legend Savage to judge it. And it's a rap battle. And it's been a battle.

It has been a battle from start to finish. Oh, we're not good at singing and rapping at the best of times, but we thought we'd give it our best shot. We wanted to do a New Zealand book, and you guys helped us out on the text at 4487. And in the end, we thought we'd do The Wonky Donkey, the book by Craig Smith, but that was just so hard to rap. This is Spunky Hacker Cracker Baggy Sticky Dicky Honky.

Take two. Okay, here we go. This is Spunky Hacker Cracker Baggy Sticky Dicky Honky. Okay, I think we've heard enough of that. I didn't get the idea, Producer Julia, that I couldn't rap over that. It wasn't the use of version that Jono... Shall I play Jono's one? Oh, mine was fine.

Just play his one. But I don't think rap is the winner at the end of the day. I don't even know if the authors of these books are the winners at the end of the day. No, everyone's losing. The rap community and the authors. But we wanted to give it a really good shot, and so we went back to the drawing board

and we looked at some other books, and then we found in the Harry McCleary series there's a book on Scarface Claw by Linley Dodd, which is a great book. And then we heard of this song, this old Run DMC song. It's like that, and that's the way it is. which is a great book and then we heard this song this old Run MC song and we went yes Dr. J

and Ben and Em Dr. J and Ben and Em we spent a lot of time focusing on our names and a lot less time focusing on the rap music we did you know the Beastie Boys

sort of shouty sort of white guy rap over this I played it to my wife last night because we got sent to the demo she was like

why are you shouting I was like well because that was the style she was like oh oh and that's what she said oh no you don't want

oh oh that's not good feedback and then she was like oh okay like trying to you know because she could tell my face was like

hurt yeah she was like oh yeah no I get it no you didn't get it okay anyway so we'll bear that in mind it was a shouty era

it was a shouty era in rap music I just feel like I need to say that. Okay, well, this is Scarface Claw. This is what we're going to present to Savage after 8 o'clock. A children's book turned into rap. Here's our attempt at Scarface Claw, the famous book.

Who is the roughest and toughest of cats? The boldest, the bravest, the fiercest of cats. Wicked of eye and fiendish of paw Mighty, magnificent, skull-faced claw Skitty cats tremble and people all shout Whenever this tomcat is out and about No matter what happens, whoever might call There's nothing that frightens him, no, nothing at all Is he frightened of thunderstorms?

Certainly not Is he scared of the dark? Not a jittery jot The wickedest tomcat that you ever saw The mighty, magnificent scofface claw Okay Why are you shouting? That's what she said magnificent scofface claw. Meow. Okay. Why were you shouting?

That's what she said. That was a shouty era. That was a shouty era. I had the Beastie Boys and then I went through and played about 12 Beastie Boys songs just to try and prove my point. Yeah, well we are. No, but they sounded better than us

to be fair. So we need your feedback. Like is this worthy of putting up in the rap battle after 8 o'clock? But you said you're late. It's not too late to pull out. You're a millennial. You're in your early 20s.

It feels like sometimes where you're embarrassing two dads. You are. But I embrace you guys. I love it. Don't agree with that. That's when your role is to go, no, no, guys. You're all right. Oh, you know, you guys are cool.

That's what I say to my dad every time he tries to be cool. And I feel like I've somehow slipped into that. When did that happen? Okay, we're going to... You he tries to be cool I feel like I've somehow Slipped into that When did that happen? Okay we're gonna You used to be cool I went under the hits We need some honest feedback

Because yeah like I said It's not too late to pull out Savage is not on the phone yet What what We just played nothing Just pull out of the rap battle Just say listen Our palms got too sweaty

We started vomiting Mum's spaghetti It was all that business We had to It got the better of us Start your day The wrong way It's Jono and Ben

on the hits. You told me before there's sanitiser. Obviously, you have people using sanitiser all the time because of COVID-19. You paint yourself in it every morning, don't you? You're lubricated up. You've got a shiny exterior. Very glowy, aren't I? You can lick them now and get 99% drunk. But when you have babies,

very small, you know, children. They are very small children, babies. They are. They're a smaller version of big... Just in case you didn't know, babies are smaller children. Yeah. Very, very small adults too, babies. Tiny little adults.

One day those little things will grow up into big adults. But do you use hand sanitiser? That's a question that many parents are asking. Yeah, apparently it's safe. You just have to try and not keep, you know, keep their hands out of their mouth, which is obviously a little bit of a... That's tough.

But no, for the most part, it's safe. And apparently they build up a better immunity instead of washing their hands, the babies that use the hand sanitizer. Oh, really? There's a study done. Okay. And I read the first paragraph of it.

Oh, you sound like you're knowledgeable. That's the main thing. Unlike me, who see the babies grow up to be adults. But, you know, it's just another example of parents going above and beyond. And I thought, your mum, Annie Pryor, you know, she's got a rich history of going above and beyond for you. Well, I'm her only child. That's right. So she's got no one else to love apart from me.

I'm by default. And can I, producer Juliet, there's a story that I like that involved a spade, a shovel. This is the links that your mum had gone to. My mum wouldn't go to these links. She loves me, but this is a whole other level. Why would you do this? I'm talking to a new audience here. I've got a chance to rebuild Brand Jono.

Brand Jono. Are you doing it? Brand Jono is very precious. I'm sorry for spoiling Bran Jono. But yeah, that's a great story. I'm just going to chance here to rebrand myself as a wonderful person appealing to household shoppers. That's the goal. That's the goal.

But this might be appealing as well. Well, listen, many years ago. Let him be the judge. I'll tell you this story because he's just trying to embarrass me and ridicule me. No, you can embarrass yourself. I had a Korean friend, Kevin Kim, and I would go to his house a lot. We were very good friends.

Was this when you were a kid? When I was a kid, about, yeah, nine or ten. And there's a traditional Korean dish of fermented cabbage called kimchi. I don't know if you're familiar with kimchi. That's lovely. Well, you know,

much like North and South Korea, kimchi didn't agree with me and my digestive system. Right. And so I had kimchi for the first time and I was like, oh, this is not going well. So I went to the lavatory, Kevin's house, and what ensues was

a poopsie daisy of pies. It happens, and as a kid Oh no and the system wasn't flushing. Oh no. So I was like

okay what do I do here? So you're a guest in someone's house. I'm a guest in his house and I'm panicking. You're probably panicking because you've been there a while

so that's the other thing as well. There's nothing no more humbling when we're waiting for the toilet to flush. It's not going to flush. So I got a hand towel what

and sort of used that as a scoop how old are you a scooping mechanism I was 10 10 okay so that's good logic

and then I picked it up and then threw it out the window second dropped the chalupa from the second story and walked out of the bathroom

and then I just walked out of the bathroom was like gotta go bye left then I went back home and bathroom and was like, gotta go, bye, left and then I went back home and I was like, Annie This is your mum. This is my mum and she has never looked at me the same way since

It wasn't even a look of disappointment it was a look of what have I given birth to it was a look of confusion which is even worse, so she's like right, well, we'll sort this out.

We went to Dad's shed and we got the garden spade. This is commitment from your mum. This is what I like. Wow. And we marched back up to Kevin Gibbs' house and we did a reconnaissance mission.

We both rolled down the driveway out of sight and snuck out and he scooped it up with a spade. Took it home? I always think, you know,

the person who invented the spade, if they ever imagined it was going to be used for this. That's just not what I thought it was going to be used for. And he scooped it up and we marched back down the road and chucked it on Dad's compost pile. Wow. Does Kevin know to this day?

Did he know? Well, he does because Bencky's making me tell the story on radio. Wake up full of shame. Wake up with these guys. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Now, a few weeks before lockdown, I was out with some family and we met one of my sister's friends who was over from Australia. And, you know, you're bantering.

You're at a bar. You're talking. And I was like, oh, what do you do for a job? And she was like, oh, she kind of just skirted around the outsides of it. And I kind of, even with me being a little slow on these things at the best of times, I kind of got the vibe that, you know. She didn't want to reveal. It's fine. But then later on, it sort of popped up again. She kind of mentioned work, but then she kind of went, and then I was like, oh, and I just sort of smiled. And she goes,

was she the captain of a Japanese whaling ship? Yeah. Well, then she went, okay, well, have a just sort of smiled and she goes, was she the captain of a Japanese whaling ship? Yeah. Well, then she went, okay, well, have a guess. Have a guess. Have a guess what my job could be. And I sort of got to ask him questions and I just could not get what it was. And eventually it turns out that she works

in the tobacco industry in Australia. So she's like- I guess you don't want to go out there and promote that. I understand. What do you do? Well, I peddle cancer. My job is selling cancer. Well, yeah, and I imagine, you know,

and she said, this conversation can go either way with people. Some people go, oh, I understand, you've got to make a job, and that's what they're doing. Other people are like, I can't believe you do that, because that's what, you know, that sort of industry. I feel sorry for the tobacco industry. I mean, they're just so hardworking, and the odds are against

them. They've got pictures of rotting organs on their packets that they have to put on. You can't even see their product that's locked away in a cupboard. You have to pay like... For a time there, they were like the kings. It's like,

they're really battling. There used to be ads with pregnant people, you know, smoking it and everyone was like, it's such a great thing. Yeah, it was like,

smoking kept me slim during my nine months of pregnancy. Yeah, that's not without a word of a lie. And then suddenly their studies came out and they're like, oh, hang without a word of a lie and then suddenly the studies came out and they're like,

oh, hang on. There's a picture in Radio Hauraki, part of the ACC, there's a poster of Sir Richard Hadley. I think he's got a cigarette in his mouth.

He's like, tobacco makes me hit the ball quicker and harder. Well, they spent a lot of money on sport, didn't they? There was Benson & Hedges,

Rothmans, all those sort of things. Yeah, those companies spent a lot of money on sport. I used to love smoking. I went live. It was fun. Were you a smoker? I was for many years. Wow. Yeah, all those sort of things. You know, those companies. Spends a lot of money on sport. I used to love smoking. I went a lot. It was fun.

Were you a smoker? I was for many years. Wow. Yeah, yeah, for many years. Loved it. Loved it. Don't say loved it. You said love it.

You're glad you stopped. If your kids were listening right now. Yeah, no, I stopped. I stopped. And I'm glad I'm stopped. Yes, thank you. But when I was doing it, I loved it. Can't say that.

It was actually quite easy to stop because I stopped when Jen got pregnant because she was like, I'd better stop. And I was like, yeah, probably. But I'm not a. Pleasure. Can't say that. It was actually quite easy to stop because I stopped when Jen got pregnant because she was like, I'd better stop. And I was like, yeah, probably. But not a bad look. I mean, not a good look. Is it a pregnant lady smoking?

Depends what decade you're in though because obviously we're just talking about the... Yeah. 40 years ago it was fine. It kept you slim. So we thought, because I couldn't guess what this lady's job was,

we might question your profession. Okay, this is a good game. I don't know how it works, but I'm just going to roll with you. Yeah. So maybe you and I, Jono, get a question each to ask a person on the phone and see if we can guess what your profession is, what your job is. Okay, if we don't guess correctly, you'll win a Jono and Ben Signature Range face mask.

Thanks to Kind Face, we've got witty slogans on the face masks. Not ideal for smoking, the face mask. No, another good reason to wear them. So 0800 the Hits is the phone number. Give us a call and we'll try, we'll question each and we'll try and guess what you do for a job. Right now, let's head to Wellington, the capital. Steve, welcome to New Zealand's breakfast

on a Friday. How you going? Friday, Steve. It's almost coming fired up. Yeah, I love it. He's playing mixes. We get to ask you one question each. Well, guess what you do for a job, Ben. Okay, do you work in an office? No.

Do you use tools? No. Okay, I'm going to guess. Oh, jeez. I'm going to guess. We should have given ourselves more questions. I'm going to guess you are a backyard plastic surgeon who injects cement filler into people's ka-dunkabunks. Wow.

That sounds a bit more interesting, but still a big fat no. Okay, Ben, this is a holy... Okay, so you don't use tools, you don't work in the office. You're a builder, but you're not a good one because you can't do anything. What is your job? I have no idea. I'm a truck driver, mate.

Oh, well done. You stumped us on that one. We'll get you out of Jono and Ben face masks. Thanks to Kindface, okay? Yeah, mate. Sounds good. Good on you, Steve. Thank you for listening.

We'll head to Havelock North right now on 0800 The Hits. Kerry, welcome. Good morning. How are you? I'm awesome, thank you. How are you? We're doing really well, okay? We're going to try and question your questions.

It's very hard, isn't it? It is, okay. Do you use violence in your job? Oh, no, definitely not. No violence, okay. She's not a UFC fighter or a hitman. Okay, what's the hardest thing

about your job? I'd say the hardest thing about my job would be sanitising 47 children's hands before they come into the room. You are a professional children harvester. Oh, you're so close. School teacher?

School teacher. Oh, well done. That must be a nightmare because I sent the kids off to school. I was like, how are they going to manage the sanitising programme? You know what? I reckon they've nailed it. This last week they stand at the door and they get their little pea-sized pump of sanitiser and they're in every time they enter a room.

But they're getting really good at doing it by themselves. Oh, that's good. Good on you, Kerry. You're doing a wonderful job. I don't know if you're doing a wonderful job, but you sound like you would do a wonderful job. Oh, I love my job. You might have been struck off the teacher's registry.

I don't know. We don't know that. We only got one question. We didn't get to ask that. You have a lovely day, Kerry. You hold there. We'll get you out of John O'Byrne face mask. Leighton from the Manawatu.

Question your profession. One question each. Take it away. Okay. Classic job interview question. Where do you see yourself in five years? Oh, probably still slaving in what we're doing now. Do you wear a suit?

Yeah, or a half. Half suit. Half's okay. Like a swim call? Leave the tie at home. Leave the tie. Oh, he. Half suit. Half, okay. Like a Zoom call? Leave the tie at home. Leave the tie, oh,

he's a casual, a casual, okay. You sell exotic birds on the black market. Oh, very close. Leaky apartments

for elderly people, you sell those. Cars. Cars? Cars, oh, new or used? Bit of both actually.

Bit of both. No, no, you don't say used, now you say pre-loved you don't say used now. You say pre-loved, don't you? I said that to the car dealer the other day. I bought a used car.

I was like, oh, this is just a used car. He's like, pre-loved. Pre-loved. That's a good term, isn't it? I like that. You know, my favourite interaction with the car dealer was we got a car for my wife, and he's like, mate, why use your money when you can use ours? It's a good one.

Have you thought about our finance program? No, no. It sounds great. So that's how I've signed up. That's the line that works. It's the line, why use your money when you can use ours? And pay five times the amount for the car. Yeah, yeah.

He didn't get into those details. Hey, thank you very much, bud. We'll get you out a Jono Bean face mask later. Thanks for listening. Cheers. out a Jono being face masked late. And thanks for listening. Cheers. Want more Jono and Ben? You can catch up with the boys anytime. Just search Jono and Ben on Instagram.

12 o'clock today, we find out if Simon Bridges will be building a Bridges to get over the National Party, not wanting him as leader. That's all happening at 12 o'clock today. With Muller. Muller is, I don't even know his first name. Todd Muller and Nicky Kaye, I think are the two people up for the job. Muller, we didn't know who Muller was, but he

was the one that Chloe Swarbrick said OK Boomer to. That's the thing. But he didn't really get shown in the shot that went around the world, right? No, that's a great marketing campaign for National. This is the OK Boomer guy. This is the guy. Yeah, OK Boomer. Yeah.

Spy. No WhatsApp. Spy.co, OK Booba. He'll be like, yeah. Spy. No WhatsApp. Spy.co.nz. All right, producer Juliette's waiting for the celebs to slip up so she can talk about them on Spy. What have we got? Mike Tyson might be making a comeback to fight Evander Holyfield, and he spoke about it, and I'll just let you listen.

Hey, listen, I'm just having fun, looking good, showing off my new bod and stuff. Anything is possible. My ego is starting to get elated and stuff, but we'll see, right? No, listen, I don't know if me and Fanta's going to get in the ring or something like that. That would be awesome for Charity 2 Magic. Can you imagine that me and him going in the ring

together, arch enemies, doing it for the humanity of people and people less fortunate than ourselves. I understood 30% of that. Yeah, so the second half of that was him saying that he'd probably go on the ring with him if it was to raise money for people who need it for coronavirus, all that jazz. I like how honest he is.

He's like, I had fun with looking all good with my new body and my ego's out of control. I'm looking great. I was reading actually the other day about Mike Tyson that his first wife, he caught his first wife in bed with Brad Pitt. Really? He came home. I think they'd separated at the time or whatever, but they came home and Brad Pitt's like, oh. Wow.

You know, that's a very confronting situation, isn't it? You know, the last person you want to walk in on you is Mike Tyson. He's got a weed farm now, doesn't he? He sells weed. Yeah, it was legal in many states in America. True. And so I think he sells a lot of medicinal marijuana. He's also into Yeah, it was legal in many states in America. And so I think he sells a lot of medicinal marijuana. He's also into meditation, I read.

He loves his meditating. I'm like, oh, that surprises me for a guy like him. I don't know. He likes punching people. I saw an interview with him. He's like, I need to smoke weed just to keep myself calm. Oh, I had a good calm. Wow.

Because without it, he's just... Psycho. Yeah, no. Here we go, Mike Tyson. And in other news, quickly, if you remember the Fyre Festival, it was this massive fraudulent music festival. People were promised the most luxury, amazing festival with acts and everything. It was a complete flop.

And Kendall Jenner was paid to promote it as well as a bunch of other celebrities. She's now being fined $150,000 to settle a lawsuit while she's paying that because in the caption to promote it, she didn't say hashtag ad or hashtag sponsored. She has to pay $150,000 for that. Wow. And obviously the post is deleted now. We always wanted to do the prior festival, didn't we, as a promotion?

Oh yeah, the Jono prior festival. Too much time's passed now, we can't do the prior festival. There's another shambles of a thing going around the world now. COVID-19. I wish for the fire festivalre Festival now, yeah? My favourite thing about the documentary was the organiser guy who... Oh, yes. The water son.

The Evian water. He was willing to do some very unsavoury things to get some bottled water into the country. Thanks for just doing that. Would you do that for the show, Ben? Oh, well, yeah, well, maybe. We'll see. See how I got the job here.

Low in calories and low in laughs. It's Jono and Ben on my hits. Good morning, New Zealand. It is Jono and Ben, 8.05 the time. No, it's not Jono and Ben. It's Dr. J and Ben and M. Thank you very much. Well, it's Friday morning and normally you feel good going into a Friday but right now I'm a little bit nervous

because we got called out by Adam and Megan. They do the breakfast show in the Hawke's Bay, the hits breakfast there. And Adam had turned a children's book, The Gruffalo, into a rap song. A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood. A fox saw the mouse and the mouse looked good. You'll hear more of that soon.

He did a very good job. And then we had a challenge, a week to come up with our own children's book. Well, no, to turn a children's book into a rap song. And we chose Scarface Claw from Lindley Dodd from the Harry McCleary series. That's enough of that. Okay, you're going to hear all

very shortly. We're like the rap Wiggles. We could do a drive-by singing in the big red car or something equally as badass. It's going to be judged next who did the best rap song, our rap battle by Savage, you know Savage, a hip-hop star from the likes of Trumpets. He knows what he's doing, right? Yeah, Savage is going to lower his standards to appear on the show.

At the end of this week, I'm like, Chris Martin from Coldplay would have had more credibility in a rap battle than us two. But we played our version in its entirety at 7. 7 this morning. I don't think we can play it Tom. We just wanted to get some feedback before the rap battle because it's not too late to pull out. You know how radio works. We can move on. We can talk about something next. Should we play it to Savage or not? Angela,

your thoughts. Give it to us straight. It was a lot better than the Eminem and the Snoop Dogg and all that. Oh, so it was better than our previous attempts? Yep. Okay, good. But is it worthy of putting forward in the rat battle? Because, you know, like I say, not too late to pull out.

I can run away from this battle. No, no, no, do it. Yeah, I don't know. Just the Gruffalo and all that seemed a bit slower. But yeah, I think Feisty Boys will do it. Okay, all right. You don't sound confident. No, you don't sound confident no you don't

you're like go out there and give it a go you know win or lose doesn't matter at least you participated sort of thing

I don't think it would have worked with the Wumki Domki no yeah that was tough glad we pulled out of that but again your confidence

the voice is not sounding anyway thank you John thanks Ange Mel's in Palmerston North. Welcome, Mel. Give it to us straight.

Give it to us straight. Let's be honest, Mel. That was awesome. I thought you did so well. Oh, you're like a supportive parent. Yeah, I love it. I like it. Like, deep down, you're like, you had a shocker, but...

No, you guys are great. Hey, as a kindy teacher, reading the Wonky Donkey, it does get a little bit tongue-tied without rapping it. Yeah, well, that was too tough. And then you've got your Dr. Zeus and stuff like that. So you've just added, like, a new genre to Linley Dodd. That's awesome. Oh, a new genre?

Is that okay? Whether it's a genre she wanted? Yeah. I appreciate your feedback. Okay, thank you, Mel. I'm getting a false sense of confidence here going into this battle. It's audience. They're lovely.

Like starting your day with Panda Eyes. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. We got challenged by Adam and Megan. They do the show in the Hawke's Bay. A rap challenge. A rap battle. A commercial radio friendly rap battle. Well, you know, with no ill language.

In fact, the opposite of ill language. Our lyrical content had to be based on children's books. Adam kicked it off in the Hawke's Bay by rapping the Gruffalo over Eminem. And we've spent all week floundering, flustered. Oh, yeah. I've never felt more white, you know, in my life than trying to do a rap this week. Nothing's made me feel so uncool this week. And credibility, we only had an ounce of it left,

and it's disappeared over five days magically. But joining us on the phone is both Adam from Hawke's Bay Hits Breakfast. Welcome back, Adam. Kia ora, guys. Thank you very much. Nice to be with you again. And our adjudicator, the Simon Cowell of this family-friendly rap battle. The one and only Savage, live from Australia.

Thank you for joining us, Savage. The Simon Cowell, you reckon? Minus the multi-billions and billions of dollars. Now, Savage, you're going to be the judge of our rap battle. What are you looking for? What makes a good rap?

I reckon whoever makes it sound more natural and not so forced. Jeez, we went really forced. No, we did. It's hard to not make it sound... I mean, what you do, you do a really good job

of what you do, Savage, to make it so natural sounding. Because, Adam, you can present yours to Savage. You can give him a bit of a background, and then we'll play it, and then we will do the same for ours. Yeah, all right. So, Savage, what I've got for you today is a little bit of a book called The Gruffalo. We went with The Gruffalo because it lends itself to a pretty natural cadence

when it comes to rapping, you know. I think it slots in there quite nicely. It's a pretty good case, Savvies. There's a bit of a background. Now we present to you The Gruffalo. A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood. A fox saw the mouse

and the mouse looked good. Where are you going to, little brown mouse? Come and have lunch in my underground house. It's terribly kind of you, fox, but no, I'm going to have lunch with a Gruffalo. A Gruffalo?

What's a Gruffalo? A Gruffalo? Why didn't you know? He has terrible tusks and terrible claws and terrible teeth and his terrible jaws. Where are you meeting him? Here by those rocks and his favourite food is roasted fox. Roasted fox, I'm a fox, said goodbye, little mouse, and away he

sped. Silly old fox, doesn't he know, there's no such thing as a Gruffalo. Ah, so good, so good. So Savage, your initial thoughts on the Gruffalo? Man, I thought I was listening to a kid's audio book right there. Oh! Was it natural? It sounded natural? It was very solid, man. It was very solid?

Solid. Okay, okay. Now, Savage, a little bit of a bit. This is a very polite rap battle we have here. We present a lovely background. Yeah, I even said how good to the other one. I shouldn't be saying that. No, no, we need to talk smack.

So, Savage, we started out wanting to do the Winky Wonky Donkey. We were going to be the rap group, the Wonky Honkies. Yeah. And. It was too fast. It was too fast. The rhyme scheme was, you know, a great book, but just didn't lend itself well to rap

So yeah, it wasn't great Savage So it was a panic yesterday To find another children's story And a new beat I don't know if you're familiar with that Linley Dodds, Scarface Claw Oos Oos

One of the greats So from the Harry McCleary family of books, we found an old school beat from Run DMC and we thought we'd try and rap Scarface Claw to Run DMC. Who is the roughest and toughest of cats? The boldest, the bravest, the fiercest of cats. Wicked of eye and fiendish of paw. Mighty, magnificent, skull-faced claw.

Skinny cats tremble and people all shout. Whenever this tomcat is out and about. No matter what happens, whoever might call. There's nothing that frightens him, no, nothing at all. Wow! Is he frightened of thunderstorms? Certainly not. Is he scared of the dark?

Not a jittery jot. The wickedest tomcat that you ever saw. The mighty, magnificent scofface claw. Oh, God, that's enough. Wow, geez, a little bit of me. Oh, God, that's enough. Oh, jeez. A little bit of me died inside listening back to that, Savage. That was the longest 50 seconds of my life. In fact, in hindsight, I'm sorry to drag you into this, Savage.

Yeah. Bloody hell. Bloody hell. I think he means it in a positive way, but we'll hit the music, Producer Jew. You've heard both of them. You've heard Adam's Gruffalo. You've heard Scarface Claw.

The mic is now in your hands, Savage, to adjudicate the rap battle. Man, you guys lost me with the cat. Oh, we lost you like the cat? You didn't like the meow? Yeah. In the rap game, the meow was no good? You lost me at that, man.

You know, for many years I've been dealing with you two and you guys always try to tell me that you guys can rap and I keep telling you no. You keep pulling me into certain things and start rapping again. But I just have to give it to Adam and the Gruffalo. Oh! Well done, Adam. Well done, mate.

Yeah, well done. No more, okay, guys? No more. No more. Savage is like, please don't call me again. Delete my number. Well done, Adam. Well done.

You took it out, deservedly so. Oh, cheers, lads. Outstanding effort. I got a bit of a Beastie Boys feel for it, like a really, really kind of weak, lame, scary-ish Beastie Boys. Hey, you've won. You've won.

You've won, right? I love your work, Savage. Thank you very much. Adam, thanks for giving us a lot of fun this week. It's been great, mate. And you guys have a good weekend. My pleasure, man. Thank you, guys.

See you guys. I'll tell you what, Scarface scored. Not the only one scarred after that. Me and you, John O'Cheese. It was brutal. It was brutal. The rap game. They said it was going to be brutal, and it was.

I think we leave it. I think we leave it. We played the game. We didn't change the game. We didn't even alter the game. Now we step off the field. All right, retired. We didn't change the game. We didn't even alter the game. Now we step off the field. All right, retired. We apologise in advance.

It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Oh, 100 to the hits. That is our phone number. You can text us any time. 4487. We want to know why you should be in the driving hall of shame. You're a shocking driver. I am.

You always complain about my driving. You say I'm reckless on the roads. You are reckless. I've had no accidents. You're the one who's the accident I've wrecked my car off twice in my own driveway

true story what? twice in my driveway that's a story for another day but yeah I think I'm the only person in the history of the world to write two cars off

in their own driveway but what day? you say it's a story for another day? let's book it in now I know how the radio thing works this is not where we're going

let's go Monday okay Monday Monday okay story for another day it'll be Monday I always locked it in really wanted to avoid I know how the radio thing works. This is not where we're going. Let's go Monday. Okay, Monday. Monday. Okay, story for another day. It'll be Monday. I always locked it in. Really wanted to avoid telling that one of the hits, but okay. So my old neighbour in Marsden, lovely old lady,

I'm getting on a bit now. Was she though? Because we always say that about our old people. Lovely old person. Just because they're old, they're not lovely. Might be a monster. We used to live next door. Used to always invite us over as a family and stuff.

She was great, but she's getting older now. And this was obviously a few weeks before lockdown. She had to go get her eyes tested to pass her driving licence. And she went into the optometrist and it didn't go well. She wasn't very happy about the result. Now the old people are like, I can drive. It's like, mate, you're on the wrong side of the motorway. She was quite confident too, because she'd driven on the way down there

and actually she'd been past the super liquor and got herself her, you know, her favourite gins and all that sort of stuff. Or maybe it wasn't the eyes that was the problem. No, she hadn't started drinking. But she went in there and she failed her eye test and then she got back into the car to take off in a bit of a huff and put the car into, instead of putting it in reverse, put it into drive and drove through the

window of the optometrist. How you like me now? How you like my test now? Totally by accident. But then she had also had gin in the car and alcohol and that was like, that broke up. So when the cops arrived, the car just stunk of alcohol. She hadn't been drinking

and of course she'd smashed through the optometrist. So that's why she deserves to go on the driving hall of shame yeah good on her good on her I deserve to go on the driving

hall of shame because in the morning on the way here oh no I don't want to hear this story I know what you're going to say I'm a good campaigner

for it no I don't want to hear story I don't wait for red lights you're not setting a good example it's four o'clock in the morning

no one's on the road no you're not setting a good example an example for what for driving on in the morning. No one's on the road. No, you're not setting a good example. An example for what? For driving on the road when no one else is on it? No, an example for people listening right now. I'm not saying peak it.

I'm not saying right now go and fang through red lights. No, but just like, oh, Jono did it, so I did it. What if it's an accident? What if you don't see... Well, don't say Jono did it. I did it.

That's not a great defensive chord. These things are here for a reason. Yeah. What? Safety. Safety. Safety. Just wait. It's not going to take 30 seconds out of your day.

Too much. Too much time. I don't like waiting at red lights in the morning. You have to. It's the rules. Making poor life decisions every morning. It's Jodo and Ben on the hits. Now, it's very exciting that the country's slowly returning to the new normal

and Live Nation New Zealand have just announced a series of small weekly social distancing events. So you can go along and see some live comedians, some live musicians. It's all backed by Vodafone. It's called Together Again. It begins Friday, May 29th and one of the first people signed up to do it is comedian Ursula Carlson. How's it going, Urs? Who is this?

I was just patched through. I don't even know who this is. I was just patched through. I don't even know who this is. I was just patched through. They always surprise me with you guys. Otherwise, the answer's always, hell no. Yeah, yeah. But then they go, we've got an interview lined up for you. And before I can go, who is it?

Then, hi, it's John O'Dell. You're patched through. You're patched through. We don't go direct to you now. We have to go through a publicist. Yeah, yeah, because I've got strict rules now. I'm like, definitely not those two. Well, we got you again.

No, I've got really high dreams and hopes. I'll only talk to Oprah or Gayle or Anderson Cooper. And my publicist is like, okay, girl, I'll patch you through. And it's us. It's Jono and Ben again, eh? Bloody Jono and Ben. Well, it's very exciting, though, as a comedian, getting back into a live gig.

Oh, mate, I'm so excited. I can't wait. Like, the whole time, I didn't think I'd miss the audience as much as I do. And then when they go, look, it's going to be a really small room. Everyone's going to be spaced out. I go, I don't care. Just give it to me.

Just hit me. I need the affirmation. That's what drives me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just need someone's happy face to look at me, not the kids going, what? Oh, speaking of kids. Yeah, don't warn that one out.

I saw you had a birthday in your household the other day and you were buying a scientist Barbie. Was that right? Yes, that's right. Trying to go high with this one instead of, you know, because every time I take it, because there's so many, you get like 150 or 180 different careers, and my daughter always goes to the pole dancer.

And there's nothing wrong with that, but I really don't want to put, like, structurally, I know our house can't take it. What about the poles? Yeah, I can't insert a pole in it. We don't have enough cross beams in the house. I don't want it to go for a career that's going to flatten our house. Yeah, I mean, shout out to everyone who does insert a pole in their house.

I mean, there's a lot of stuff you have to go through. I mean, the council papers to get a pole in your bedroom. But look, it has been proven that those poles do make the structure stronger because look in Christchurch when the earthquake happened, show girls down there, there were four floors of it, not a brick out of place. So it really held it in place. Now we're joined by comedian Ursula Carlson along with Live Nation.

They're bringing live events back, socially distanced, starting May 29th at Togetherson, along with Live Nation, they're bringing live events back socially distanced starting May 29th at Together Again gigs along with yourself and Holly Smith. You can head to livenation.co.nz for more details. Now, Urs, I was actually reading you've got a book on Audible. And did you get to read the book? Were you the voice of the book? I am the voice of the book, so what a delight.

Now you can download that and I can be in your ear holes for eight hours. What's the book? I am the voice of the book, so what a delight. Now you can download that, and I can be in your ear holes for eight hours. What's the book about? It's delightful. It's Earth's Life Story. It's about my life, rolling with the punchlines about growing up in South Africa, moving to New Zealand, and I don't know if you guys know that I'm on Netflix, so that teaches quite heavily in the book. I wrote the book, and then I got a Netflix special,

so I re-released the book just so I can write about that in the book. Because I would hate to be hit by a bus and die and then it's not in my book and then people don't know about it. You said a Netflix special. Did you add on another chapter the day I got a Netflix special? Yeah, I've got another Netflix special coming out soon. Wow. So now I'm going to have to re-release another book.

And then I've got another Netflix special. That could be its own trilogy. I think I've just got to go to every warehouse bargain bin where you can find my book and just put little post-its in the back, by the way. There's another one coming. Because Dom Harvey from The Edge, he had a book out and it went on Audible.

And even though he's a radio announcer, he had to audition to be the voice of his own book. And they didn't choose him. Because he insisted on doing it all for treadmill. It was a running book. It was a bloody running book. Chapter one. Oh, jeez. Ursula Carlson.

Now, you say you've got a book. Were there crazy stories from growing up in South Africa? Because, I mean, you hear things about you can't drive down the road or you can't even at a red light at night. You don't even want to stop. You know, like whenever South Africans hear tell stories, it's always like about their worst experience or about the worst experience they've ever heard of.

But it's not like that all the time. Like people expect when they get off a plane that you're going to have to drop and roll to avoid the gunfire. And it's not like that all the time. Like, people expect when they get off a plane that you're going to have to drop and roll to avoid the gunfire. And it's not like that. It's not half as wild as people expect. You know, when you go to South Africa, it's hands down the most beautiful country

that I've been to. And I always say, if it wasn't for the high crime rate, you wouldn't know South Africans because none of us would leave. It's beautiful. The food is amazing. The people are amazing.

The weather is amazing. But then, you know, you've got to watch your butts. Oh, it's the person. It's always good to catch up. Like Ben watches the butts around this office. Oh, hey, stop it. I've heard that. Yeah, I know, the word's out there. Oh, jeez. The whole industry's talking about Ben's butts.

Yeah, that's right. You know how everyone's turning on Alan? It's all about to happen to you too, Ben. Oh, God. They're coming for me. It's the cast. Always good to catch up, even though you don't really want to talk to us. It's so good that you're back and doing some live gigs soon. That'll be great.

Yeah. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Next time, don't say you're Oprah Winfrey and trick me into coming on your show. You guys will always be Galen Oprah to me. Oh, thank you. Because that's the closest you're ever going to get to them.

She's got Netflix specials now, too. Oh, damn it. See you. See you. Want more Jono and Ben? You can catch up with the boys anytime. Just search Jono and Ben on Facebook. Simon Bridges, could we go on from the National Party this afternoon?

Midday, they're having a meeting. How awkward would that be? So he'll still stick around, you'd say, in the party, right? I imagine so. But then what if he gets booted out as leader, does his pay automatically decrease from midday? Does he have to pack up the office degradingly this afternoon? That'd be a little bit of a like, oh. Poor guy.

Oh, hey guys. She's a savage game. It is perfect, say. It's a savage game. But he did the same, didn't he? Oh. No, I think he was. Eh?

Did he do the same to Bill English? I can't remember, mate. What is this? Newstalk ZP? Didn't they vaguely remember something? Imagine having a talkback show where you vaguely remember political details. I had some notes here, but I can't be bothered reading them.

We'll just say some stuff. A lot of people are like, is this too last minute for the election? But remember, Labour chucked Jacinda in there like two days before the election. That might be an exaggeration. But it was pretty close to the election. It was, yeah. And she took it out.

Anything can happen. I don't know what you say in this situation. Do you say good luck, Simon? Do you say... I don't know. Just say anything can happen. The A to Z of New Zealand. This is where we call a different town or place in New Zealand every day. We do one a day and we're doing it alphabetically. We're going

from A alphabetically all the way to Z. Hold on. Thank you for explaining how the alphabet works, Ben. You're welcome. You're welcome. Today we're going to Amberley, which my grandparents used to live for many years when they were alive in Amberley Beach. Now, this is your grandparents who had a house, but then they lived out the back of that house

in a caravan. Yeah, they had a nice place on Amberley Beach. Yeah, and they lived in a caravan. Yeah, they had a nice place on Amberley Beach. Yeah, and they lived in a caravan. They were quite quirky. They also had a full bookcase in the bathroom, like with the toilet. In front of you, you had like a four or five shelf bookcase just sitting there.

You had to help yourself to read a book while you were there. I don't know how long they expected you to be there, but it was all there. It's not often you get a library in the toilet. No, a library in the toilet. It sounded like one of those bathrooms that was carpeted. Was it a carpeted bathroom? Yeah, yeah, it definitely was.

And it's about 40 minutes out of Christchurch, I know that because that's how long the ambulance took when I accidentally put superglue in my granddad's eye. Is this the location? This is the location, yeah. So the superglue was above, right next to the eye drops. They were like, can you put eye drops in the granddad's eye? I grabbed the wrong bottle. Why did you, what, was your granddad unable to the eyedrops. They were like, can you put eyedrops in the granddad's eye? I grabbed the wrong bottle.

Why did you? Was your granddad unable to move at the time? It was just like, can you grab me that? And I was like, yeah, sweet, and put it in. And yeah, I don't know why I was instructed to do it, but it was a bad idea. Why didn't he read the bottle? Why didn't he go, oh, is this clear eyes before?

I know why, because he just trusted his grandson not to be an absolute idiot and get the super glue. Yeah, so Ambley Beach, an odd beach. Like, it's one of those beaches you don't really swim at and you don't really lie down on because it's quite stony, you know?

Oh, so it's just a bit of coastline. Yeah, but it's a nice walk up and down. But anyway, enough about me telling you about it. Let's get someone else to tell you about it. Okay, we'll go through to Ambley now. Ben's ripped the heart out of the beach. Oh, no. It's some of my best

family memories in Amberley. Hi, Lily here. Studio Jack speaking. Jack, it's Shona and Ben from The Hitch. This is the A to Z of New Zedland.

We're calling every town or city in New Zedland. Yes. And you're 14th on the list. There's 570 of them. Yeah. Well done, Amberley. Oh, awesome.

Yeah, so tell us about Amberley. Oh, my gosh. Really? Yeah. Well, so tell us about Amberley. Oh, my gosh. Really? Yeah. Well, to be honest, we're not the boss of you. If you don't want to, you can hang up and get on with your day. I was just talking about the beach because my grandparents,

that's where their house was for many, many years. Oh, yes. He superglued his grandfather's eye shut. Accidentally. Accidentally. The eye drops were next to the supergl super glue and it was an honest mistake. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, no, it was savage, isn't it?

I got to tell the story on Graham Norton, though, so I guess there was some good thing that did come out of it. So you tell us about Amberley because Ben said you've got a shitty beach. No, no, I just said the beach, it wasn't really a swimming beach or a lying down beach, but lovely for walking. Right, yes. No, I actually don't go to the beach, but I know a lot of people do walk down there. Yeah, great for walking,

but in the township, what's an Amberley township? There's a statue? Yes, there is. Yes. That's what I was trying to lead you into, who the statue was of, but anyway. Okay, you've got 10 seconds to sell Amberley to the rest of Aotearoa. Oh, no, I'm not very good

at that sort of thing. And that's a wonderful sell. I think you've run the wrong place. And that's all we need. I'm not very good at that sort of thing. And that's a wonderful sell. I think you've run in the wrong place. And that's all we need. I'm not very good at that sort of thing. I think you've run in the wrong place there. Why wouldn't you go and visit Amberley? It's a great place. Some of my favourite memories growing up as a kid was spending time in Amberley.

What's that? He was just doing a little emotional piece. Do it again. It was just like some of my favourite memories growing up as a kid was spent in Amberley. Oh, that? No, I don't. He was just doing a little emotional piece. Do it again. It was just like some of my favourite memories growing up as a kid was spent in Amberley. Oh, right. Yeah. My granddad was the reverend at the church in Amberley. Oh, good.

I feel like I'm just... I think Jack gives zero craps about your connection to Amberley. He's almost oversold the... Why are you moved out here to marry a farmer? Yeah, I know. It's like, okay, well done, mate. You've been to Amberley. I feel like I should fly the flag for Amberley.

Okay, but no, fair enough. Hey, you look after yourself. Thank you. You keep safe, and I apologise for interrupting your day. Oh, good. Okay. All right, see you, mate. Bye-bye.

See you. There we go. Wake up and smell them. Actually, no, please don't smell them. That's odd. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Synchronise answers. Yeah, this is a very fun game where a producer,. Actually, no, please don't smell them. That's odd. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Synchronise answers. Yeah, this is a very fun game where producer Juju asks Ben and me a question.

We have to give them an answer within three seconds. We have to answer the same thing at the same time. We did it once. And name for me a 660 song. Don't forget your roots. Yes! Yes! We did it!

So happy. We need more excitement in our lives listening to that, actually. Because we're so excited about it. Because, I mean, these questions you ask us, Producer Julia, you know, there's multiple answers that we could do. So it's very hard. We thought it would be impossible for you and I to sync up our answers, Jono. Yeah.

Because we haven't pre-planned this. We don't even know what you're going to ask us. We're just going to say the, well, sometimes I say the first thing that pops into my head, but then I often change it within three seconds. Yeah, I try to look deep into your sweet, sweet eyes, those beautiful eyes, and get lost in them and try and figure out what you're thinking. Joining us on the phone from Wellington, the Queen of the Capital, they call her Leanne. Welcome.

Hi. What do you do for a job, Leanne? I work at a real trading retail outlet. Okay, I have no idea what that does, but I'll pretend like I do. For once, I just like to go, what do you do for a job? And someone's like, I'm an international drug trafficker. And you're like, oh, great. Great, keep going.

Hasn't happened. No, hasn't. Well, maybe one day we'll get there. But Leanne, so far, you've won a double pass to the movies. Well done. Oh, awesome. Thanks. Thanks to the Reading you've won a double pass to the movies. Well done. Oh, awesome. Thanks, Leanne. Thanks to the Reading Cinemas.

You're going to the movies. Unless, unless Jono and I get one of our answers together in sync. All right. First one. Ready? Okay. Name for me a comedian. Jerry Seinfeld.

Billy Crystal. He's a great comedian. Is he still alive? Yeah. I was watching Monsters, Inc. the other day. It was Mike Wazowski. Great role. Oh, Mike Wazowski.

Yeah, Mike Wazowski. I love him. Oh, Mike Wazowski. I love that movie. All right. Name for me a beverage. Coca-Cola. Oh.

Oh. Oh, Leanne, we're teetering, baby. We're teetering. We almost. We're sinking. We're sinking up like your iPhone to your Mac. She's ordered all the beverages. We went down the...

The cola route. Yeah. Okay. All right, name for me a sea creature. Octopus. Oh. Okay. Should we do one more?

One more? One more? All right. Name for me a New Zealand politician. Nicky K. Simon Bridges. Oh, there you go. Why would you go to Simon Bridges?

He's the one everyone's talking about today. Yeah, but Nicky K's going for the job, I thought maybe. Nicky K. This is great. Hey, Liam, well done. That means you're still off to the movies, and we haven't singed up today, but thank you so much for listening to the show, buddy. Awesome. This is great. Hey, Liam, well done. That means you're still off to the movies, and we haven't singed up today, but thank you so much for listening to the show, buddy.

Awesome, thanks, guys. You look after Wellington for us. It's all on your shoulders, okay? If anything happens in the capital, I'm blaming you. Some people skip breakfast, the meal, and also this show. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Now, this is the big news. Small town.

We take a look at stories that are going around New Zealand that otherwise might have been overclouded by the big news. Small town. We take a look at stories that are going around New Zealand. It otherwise might have been overclouded by the COVID coverage. And 5G, you know the 5G network? I'm not on 5G. I'm on 4G still. But some phones and households can run off 5G, which is a whole G above 4G.

Yeah. And 4G is above 1G. And 2G is above 3G's. You get the point. Yeah, I get the point. I realise how that works. So it's a very fast internet network. But there's some

conspiracy theorists saying that it's spreading worldwide radiation. Oh, really? Some are even saying it's responsible for

COVID. Yeah. I just joined the show and someone was calling it COVID to me yesterday. I like COVID now. I'm going to roll with it. But David Farrier, the documentary maker, you know, he used to be a journalist on 3 News. He did Tickled on Netflix.

Yeah, the documentary that went worldwide. Yeah, and also The Dark Tourist. He's the host of that show on Netflix. Great show. So he's the face of 5G's network for Spark, the advertising face. That's right. He was in those ads going around in that futuristic machine.

And he has just been getting abused in the street by conspiracy theorists. He's been getting attacked online. Oh, what? Because he was in the ads for it? Correct. So we're going to go through to David now. He's up early editing a doco at the moment. Hello, David. Yeah?

Hello, David. How are you, Jono? Mate, it sounded like an answer phone. I thought that was a message. It's been here as well. How's it going, mate? But then you actually

answered. It was very confusing. Oh, well, I'm in an edit booth, so maybe I've got, like, my official voice on. Yeah, no, it sounded very official. It sounded like you were about to roll on with a please leave a message after the tone. Yeah, I'm in an edit booth, so maybe I've got my official voice on. Yeah, no, it sounded very official. It sounded like you were about to roll on with a please leave a message after the tone.

Yeah, we're like, oh, okay. We didn't get David Ferrier. And this is why you are the evil eye at the centre of the storm of 5G. Tricks like this, shenanigans like this, Ferrier. It's true. What can I say? I saw you on The Project the other night.

This is a crazy, crazy story. Now, I've only, as I do, I've only read the first paragraph of, you know, the New Zealand Herald article. But you're bearing the brunt for a conspiracy theory that the 5G network is spreading COVID. Yes, and I sold my soul and did an ad for 5G last year. Oh, don't talk to us about selling souls, mate. We're well ahead of you on that game.

But I thought people were going to abuse me because I'm a journalist and I make documentaries that are sold out to big telcos. But that didn't really happen. I was just suddenly getting abused in the street for basically selling this thing to New Zealand that would kill us all with radiation. So I found that really fascinating.

And then I'm a real masochist, so I joined every anti-5G group I could in New Zealand. And this was before they started setting cell towers alight. Because there were stories, as you mentioned, of cell phone towers. A couple in South Auckland got burnt down, a couple of the 5G towers. There's up to 15 attempted arsons now in Northland, Auckland, down in Wellington. So this isn't just one random sort of person, like high on meth, running around lighting a tower light. It's like a lot of attacks all over the country,

which is, I mean, it's really alarming because you need a cell network to dial 111. But people out there are convinced that 5G is 100 times worse than 4G, that it's ionizing radiation that's going to kill us all. And I think it's combined over lockdown time for a lot of New Zealanders who are at home watching YouTube videos, already on a conspiracy train about COVID-19 stuff, and then this 5G comes in and it just goes ballistic. It's been really odd to watch.

David Farrier with us on the phone. Well, listen, hey, thank you for explaining that. It still doesn't make a lot of sense as to why they think 5G, is it the radiation? They think, I mean, yeah, they think it's ionising radiation that will lower our immune systems and eventually we'll all die. They're also angry, I think, that they haven't been, that the government hasn't done a lot of consultation

about installing this stuff. But I'd just like to state really clearly, studies have been done on this stuff. It's not dangerous. It's fine. It's less dangerous than 4G because it's a higher frequency, which is actually less dangerous for our bodies. But trouble is, no one's going to believe this

because I sold out to a 5G commercial and I work in the media. So there you go. It's a losing battle. Well, listen, I tell you what, I would lose, I would happily lose 10 years off my life just to have my Instagram account not falter out.

So thank God for 5G. In fact, take 20 off me. Go 5G. Go 5G. Although I can't sleep next to my phone. Ben doesn't do it. Ben's paranoid about the race. I don't know, David. I don't know which camp I'm in. Oh no, we're losing you.

We lost him to the 5G crazies. I love your work, David Ferrier. You have a great day, buddy, and keep safe. You too, boys. See you, bud. This is your new breakfast. Health Star rating still pending.

It's Jorow and Ben on the heads. Scrolling through your feed. Sorry, turn my mic off there. Very professional broadcasting. You wouldn't hear Hosking doing that on ZB, would you? No, no. Or even talking about it, posts doing it. Even if he did it, he wouldn't reference it.

He just moved on. We sift through your feed and see what's floating on. Not like your meal. We don't put our fingers in your dinners or your breakfasts. That would be unhygienic

to finger your meal. It's just your cell phone feed or whatever it is. Those sort of things that you would do in the morning, we like to tell you about it so you don't have to. And yesterday,

we're trying to cut off the internet at the pass before you decide the internet's far more powerful than the medium of radio. Everyone was talking about the bars and clubs open yesterday and Breakfast TV, I think, on TV One,

they were already drunk because they spelt the word drink wrong. You'll now be able to grab a drink at your local water and poultice. I think I would have spelt drink somewhere over there. Brilliant. You'll now be able to grab a derururik.

Oh, I love Campbell. Isn't he a wonderful man? He's great, isn't he? Very nice guy. But last night there was a lot of talk about random pashing at the bar. You know how, like, if I saw you across the bar, being that I just need to kiss those sweet, sweet lips of yours. As has happened previously at a Christmas party that you like to forget about

and never reference. Never called me the next day, Juju. We couldn't look each other in the eye for a whole week. It's been awkward ever since. You're right, because you couldn't really randomly hook up in the bars at the moment. No, so they've asked the bartenders and bar management to keep an eye out. Sort of be pash perverts. You know, be those weird people.

To break up a pash is an awkward thing. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. The pash police. The barman. Sorry. The patch police.

The barman. Yeah. But now they've had to release a whole range of adjusted songs to suit the current COVID climate. Oh, have they? There's some pre-prepared comedy for you. Are you ready for this? Something I love more

than pre-prepared comedy. Yeah, well, prepare yourself right now because this has been something I prepared earlier. I love it. I love it. Please take it away, Juju. Thank you, God, it's not me, because she just tested positive for COVID-19.

That's one song. Here's another one. As long as you're not showing any flu-like symptoms or travelled overseas in the last six weeks. Yeah. Freaked the hell out because I think she may have coronavirus. Oh, jeez. So those are the new songs.

So you can kiss goodbye to kissing strangers. Also, bar hopping is not really a thing I heard them talking about on the news this morning because, you know, you go into one establishment, you've got to sit down, and you can't really go, oh, we're going to go to another bar. There's a lot of admin involved these days.

So a lot of people just stick into one place. One of my favourite things is travelling from bar to bar not knowing if I'm going to get punched in the face on Queen Street. It's one of my favourite hobbies. And you're saying

I can't do that now? The bouncer to decide if I've got the right shoes on or not. Or I'm not with enough girls to be let into the bar. Also scrolling through your feed this morning,

the big planes, the A380s, they may be no more. Well, yeah, France has permanently grounded their planes. I know Qantas had, Qatar, Emirates has called time on them as well. But in February 2019, Airbus, who makes them,

it already said, oh, listen, no one's buying these things. They're massive. They're like giant whales that somehow managed to take off and sit in the air. Because all the airports had to extend their runways for them. Oh, really?

And now there's no demand, obviously, with the current pandemic for international travel. So a lot of the airlines are like, we've got no use for this enormous plane that can hold the population of Palmerston North. Well, they've got like two stories on those things, right? They've got a whole staircase that go up to another level. It's crazy. It's disturbing to even think how they take off from the ground. But Juliet, we spoke to someone who said we need to ask you about

a flight you took from Christchurch to Auckland. Speaking of flying. I was down at the races in Christchurch with back then the drive show of the hits and we were flying out the same day, flying back to Auckland after the races. We'd finished broadcasting the show but we'd been given a whole bucket of cold beers, champagne.

And as soon as the show finished, I was like, right, yes, free stuff. And I think I was... Not when the show finished. I'm sure when the show was going, you were still doing it. I like how she made it look like she was a professional broadcaster. I work hard. And all my friends were out in the race, like, having so much fun. And I was like, well, I've, like, finished.

I'm going to go hang out with them and with all this free alcohol and then next thing I know I'm sitting in the co-lounge on the floor

being force fed sandwiches and then the next thing I know I'm sitting on the plane with a spew bag in front of me full of spew

and we're descending to Auckland and I'm like oh my lord what has happened turned out I delayed a flight on Air New Zealand

from Christchurch to Auckland because I was so inebriated. Who was force feeding you sandwiches? I think it was Stacey Morrison or Phil Finney or something. She's like, this is a low point in radio. I know. That's the news you needed to know. It's something you did need to know this morning.

I can't wait till we have to force feed you sandwiches, Juju. The radio version of Morning Breath. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. I can't wait till we have to force feed you sandwiches, Juju. The radio version of Morning Breath. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. What's that? Oh, no. Shut up. Now what? Oh, it's Jono and Ben's rude awakening.

We are up early in the morning and we like to get other people up as well. Thanks to Hell Pizza, hell.co.nz. We can get plant-based Turetso right now on any pizza. Yeah, welcome to the rude awakening, Ricky in Rotorua.

How are you, buddy? Good, mate. What do you do? Why are you up so early in the morning and where are you heading? Tell us about yourself. I do road work,

so I'm just on my way down to Rotorua. That's where all our contracts are at the moment, so you've got to put a work on down that way. I always see the cool trucks with the cones on them

and you can see the dudes in the Hiver's vest just riding on the side, you know, like on the platform, hanging on, and I was like, I always wanted to do that. Yeah, it has you put fun on there, Rick. Yeah, I've got a very low aspiration to dreams. You're right, it does look lots of fun. Doesn't it? It does. Every time you know, like, when

you see the people on the back of the rubbish trucks, I was like, that looks fun. Jumping on, holding on, yeah. Oh, good times. A lot of cones too nowadays, Ricky, aren't there? Oh, yeah, that's pretty much all you've got between your shelf and those cars. There's a few scary people that come through at times, but then again, there's a lot of people that are pretty good too.

Those cones are more expensive than you think they are as well, aren't they? They're like probably $100 a cone, aren't they? Yeah. It doesn't take much for them to get run over, and then it's a cone down and another $100 for another one. Or crazy millennials like Mildew, Juliet, our producer, taking them home to their flats and wearing them as hats. Yes, yes. You're like, come on, guys, these are expensive.

I think I collected them at one stage. Oh, jeez, there we go. So who are we going to wake up this morning? Going to give my wife a ring. You see, she's either, the kids will either wake her up already or she'll be... Well, she's getting woken up rudely by us. This is the rude awakening. $40 for the hell pizza.

It's very rude. Ben doesn't even use his manners. That's how rude this is. Hello. Good morning. Hi. Is that Alicia? Yeah.

I should probably stop sounding like a creep. You do sound quite creepy. It's Jono and Ben calling from the hits. Oh, hi. How are you? Jeez, that woke you up quick. And we've got Ricky on the phone. He's on his way to work.

He is on his way to work. Now, he's got a shocking secret he wants to share with you. Oh, God. It could probably ruin your marriage, and he's going to reveal it right now. That shocking secret is you're involved in a game show. Oh, God. And you could win $40 worth of hell pizza, Alicia.

Okay. Here's your first question. Elon Musk founded which company? A, Tesla, B, Watties, C, two cheap cars. I'm just going to say Watties. I have no idea. Oh, okay. All right. What if you said Tesla? I'm just going to say Wattie. I have no idea. Oh, okay, all right.

What if you said Tesla? Okay, I'll say Tesla. There we go. There we go. We know it's early in the morning. Well done. Kiri Takanoa is what? An opera singer. B, a heavy metal singer.

C, a badass bish. I'm sorry, a what? A badass. A badass bish. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'll give you that one. She is. I know you'd never want to get on the wrong side of Carrie Ducato.

I should eat you alive. Yeah, all right. We'll give you that one. $20 Hell Pizza coming your way so far. Nicole Kidman is from which country? A, Fiji, B, Namibia, or C, Australia? Australia. $30.

How old are you? $30. And your final question. Steve Jobs created Apple. What does Apple make? A, computers and phones. B, a billion dollars a year. Oh, both.

It does, it does. It wasn't an option, was it, Jono? But yeah, she got it right. You got $40 hell pizza. It doesn't really matter what you answer. We just woke you up and we feel bad. So we're giving you the pizza. Oh, awesome.

Thank you so much. Ricky, take us out with some lovely words for Alicia. Have a good day, honey. See you, much. Ricky, take us out with some lovely words for Alicia. Have a good day, honey. See you. See you tonight. Pizza for tea, eh? There we go. There we go.

Just a bit of an awkward fade out at the end there. Alicia's been woken up. We're all a bit rattled. You guys have a lovely day, and thank you very much for listening. Thank you so much. See you guys. The Root Awakening is all thanks to Hell Pizza. It's finally here.

Hell's Reuben Pizza. It's loaded with beef, brisket, pastrami, and it's available right now. Love those meats. Love brisket and pastrami. Some wonderful animals perish for both those meats. Want more Jono and Ben? You can catch up with the boys anytime. Just search Jono and Ben on Instagram.

We're going to play a brand new game now. Kia ora. I'm Ash Thomas, and this is the B***ing News. Wonderful Ash Thomas who reads our news in the morning. She's a great lady. And Juliette has sourced some headlines from the internet. We've beeped out certain words. Yes.

Ben and I haven't heard these and we've got to figure out what the beeped out word is. Oh, okay. This will be fun. Yeah. I like it how you're like, oh, I explained the game. And then you're like, oh, this will be fun. But actually, in reality, you came up with the game I started off

Alan to be honest I started off Alan's show yesterday we're really pulling back the curtain she does a similar type of game

I was like oh let's do that as well they look like they weren't enjoying it but I was like this looks like a fun game Alan constantly looks like she's hating life

well I guess at the moment it feels like the world's turned against her the world's coming down on Alan right now and then she's got her old dancing DJ mate. He's working his ass off on Zoom.

Oh, yeah. And then weirdly she's got her, like, some producer standing in the background outside the house. In her mansion? Yeah. It seems a bit odd. But anyway, that's enough about her. Let's play a fun game that I definitely came up with. All right.

You ready for your first headline? Here we go. Okay. David Beckham upsets locals as he parks on... Old lady. What? Old lady. Parks on your mum?

No. Victoria Beckham? No. Mountain? So what do you say? Buckingham Palace? It's got to be something. Fire hydrant.

It's got to be something like a fire hydrant or something like that. You're getting closer. A disabled person in a wheelchair. No. Oh, jeez, that would upset the locals, that's for sure. Like the lines. Oh, do you want to hear it? Yeah.

David Beckham upsets locals as he parks on double yellow line. He's a mad dog driver. I've seen him. Yeah, I've seen him in the Daily Mail, and they're like, Beckham driving again on his phone, or Beckham runs a red line. He doesn't give a... He's like me. He doesn't care. True. I guess

he wouldn't have that famous. You probably think he can park anywhere you want. That's right. And he should be allowed to park anywhere. I mean, if he wanted to park on top of someone on a wheelchair, he should be allowed. He's David Beckham. He's gone. He can park on you. Alright, that's why the next news headline that's been beeped. This is the news and beeps. Your car knows about you. Here's how to yourself.

Your car knows your nose. Here's how to yourself. Your car knows your nose picking habits about you. It does. Here's how to pass yourself. That seems logical. Your car knows that you ate a whole cheesecake on the way home the other day, Jono. True. You told us about it.

Talking about my bad driving, I should probably be concentrating on driving, not eating an entire cheesecake on the motorway. How did you even manage that? I was cut up into slices. So yeah, it was pre-cut. about my bad driving, I should probably be concentrating on driving, not eating an entire cheesecake on the motorway. How did you even manage that? Was it, I wasn't even able to. I was cut up into slices. So yeah, it was pre-cut

and so I was eating a slice. I wasn't like just grabbing hunks of it and jamming it in my mouth. I was like, juju, I'm not an animal. I'm just wondering

how you're such a good multitasker, you know? Your car knows, no, I don't know what this one is. Okay, should we play it? Your car knows secrets about you.

Here's how to protect yourself. Oh, what secrets? So basically, you know how smart, Okay, should we play it? Your car knows secrets about you. Here's how to protect yourself. Oh. What secrets? So basically, you know how cars are becoming smarter and you've got your Teslas and your Elon Musk inventions. They know your Wi-Fi password. They know who your contacts are when you're calling people in the car. They know where you're driving to.

So they kind of know a lot about your life. They know when you cry on the way home from a radio show. Eating cheesecake. Eating cheesecake. They know everything you cry on the way home from a radio show. Eating cheesecake. Eating cheesecake. They know everything. That's the thing. We've got a bloody, Jen bought, my wife bought home a thing from work, the Alexa. Oh, no.

Have you read about Alexa? Oh, no. Is that listening to everything? That is listening. I wouldn't even plug it in. She's like, turn it on. We can't argue. Alexa's in the room.

Exactly. Let's see one more, and this is the beeping news. Hollywood filming in New Zealand begins without... Cameras. Oh. Probably true. Cocaine. What's the answer?

Hollywood filming in New Zealand begins without stars. Oh, okay. They started filming again. Well, yeah, so they've resumed big films like Lord of the Rings and Avatar, but because the stars can't come back in at the moment, they're just doing what they can, setting up the... The cocaine, the cameras. Setting up all the sets.

They're all ready to go. They just haven't got the stars. They'll arrive soon after quarantine. That's a fun wee game. And speaking of which, speaking of celebrity stars, Juju's in next with the spy news. Yes, and a star that you will probably know from a bit younger is going to prison, unfortunately.

We're making you work hard this morning, Juliette. Hosted this game show you're reading back. This is the hits breakfast with Juliette. The soggy cornflakes of radio. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Producer Juliette has gone to the deep, dark places on the internet, the stuff she's seen. She even visited a website where you can buy kidneys from Singapore.

Did I? Wow. Just to get this celebrity gossip. Did I? Exactly. Well, this one wasn't actually too hard to find, and you'll know this song. From Full House. Now, Laurie Loughlin, who played Rebecca, she...

Aunty Becky. Aunty Becky, is that what she was called? She has officially pleaded guilty for her involvement in the college admissions scandal. She tried to bribe a University 500 grant to let her daughters in. So her and her husband did this.

We're just reading a very severe punishment that they're going to get. She's going to get two months in prison. He's going to get five months. $150,000 fine for her, $250,000 fine for him. She gets two years of supervised release after prison. And he has two years of supervised release. And community service as well.

And community service on top of that. It's a lot. It's a lot. Why don't I just send the kids to a bloody community tech or something? You know, like an AUT. I'm sure in hindsight now they would do that. So she's in Fuller House too, isn't she? She makes a couple of appearances.

I was reading she got a prison coach. What? Obviously predicting that she might do some time. Many people are saying it's like a white-collar prison. I don't know what the difference between a white-collar and a blue-collar. I'd like to go to a tuxedo prison if I ever get the chance. But she got a blue collar. I'd like to go to a tuxedo prison. I'll probably get the chance. But she got a prison coach. I taught her some martial arts manoeuvres.

Really? Oh, really? That's like the Will Ferrell, Kevin Hart movie. It is? Yeah, that's the... Today's shank class, how to make a shank out of a... Oh, my word. So she's prepared, ready to go.

Oh, she could shank anywhere. She'd shank you, mate. Now, you know Andy. Mate, Andy, him and I, we went to San Francisco. We spent a long time trying to find the full house houses. Oh, yes. We're like, why are we doing this? There's two different houses.

So in the opening shot, there's those tall, skinny houses, the Victorian-style houses, the park. They have that lovely picnic scene. So that's one location. And then when they go close up on the house, there's another house with the red door. And we went to that house as well. And then when they go close up on the house, that's another house with the red door. And we went to that house as well. And then you felt sorry for the people that actually lived in that house

because there's like a line of people just getting a photo outside. We didn't go on their property, but you're like, oh God, imagine living in that house all day. That was the same one as the outrageous fortune house, which is in West Auckland. On Saturday night, these poor people, people will be turning up like drinking Woodstocks and doing burnouts on their driveway.

And they're like, we're just a nice family who rented a house out for a TV show. And these bogans are like, yeah, my dad. Surely you get the house as a discount if it was you, you know, like to put up with the punishing people turning up. I guess you would know that at the time. People would probably pay more going, oh, this is the house from such and such. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they even said someone were like fornicating on the lawn once.

Oh my goodness. The production company was like, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I think they had to get a security guard out there. Oh, wow. This is the problem with West Auckland. For more spy, you can head to the hits.co.nz. Want more Jono and Ben?

You can wake up with the boys' weekdays from sex on the hits. And via the iHeartRadio app.