Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - November 11 - Guy Williams, Jono's Impulse Purchase, What's The Show Joke?

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

So we've spent the most part of our lives being on TV and radio, but when people ask us to tell us a joke we can never think of one. Jono always reverts back to one that's EXTREMELY dated and not very family friendly...! So we went on the hunt for the best joke and my lord there were some goodies. We even got Guy Williams on to judge the best ones! Jono also bought something for his house that he thought would be very useful and that his wife would appreciate. Alas, she doesn't like it! Have a listen to find out what it is and if you'd like it in your house. And Ben told us a story about how on his wedding day, his wife did something that made him think she didn't want to marry him. Which STRESSED. HIM. OUT. Enjoy!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jono and Ben, new to your mornings. Friends of Skinny, New Zealand's most recommended telco. Happy, happy, happy, oh, oh. Just when you thought you couldn't get enough of Jono and Ben, you can have them anywhere, anytime. Welcome to the Jono and Ben podcast. Welcome to the podcast. We're calling this one You Must Be Joking. I'm going to name the podcast now.

You never do. You didn't run this past me. This needs to happen at our pre-podcast meeting, Ben. So this is today's episode, You Must Be Joking, because we focus a lot on a joke. We discovered that, because we've been travelling a little bit for the radio, and we discovered that we don't really have a joke as such. We can tell people

like, oh, make us laugh, tell us a joke. We don't have a joke. You've got one joke which you reflect on on the podcast. Yeah, it involves I don't want to say geriatric musician but legendary. Legendary, that's a great word. Yeah, legendary. Take out the first word I said. Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac.

A legend. Yeah, she is a legend. And I don't want to say geriatric actor. Legendary actor. William Shatner. Both legends in their own right. Exactly. And old at the same time. Yeah, I guess so.

It involves those two. You'll hear it in the podcast. Mature. Mature. Mature, yeah. Mature. I was trying to say, I'm like the publicist. How can we brand them?

We just say legendary mature. So we've gone to Saatchi and Saatchi. How do we brand these two old folks? Mature? Amazing. Experienced? They're experienced. You're right.

What if we got into this weird hole of trying to pull ourselves out from age-shaming Stevie Nicks and William Shatner? It's not like they're ever going to hear this.

Who's going to get offended by this? Hopefully. I don't know. Someone. There'll be backlash somewhere. So your joke involves them. You'll hear it on the podcast.

It went down alright when you told it the other day, but I feel like we could do better with a better joke. And so today we get some really good jokes coming through. And we had also some great ones that we couldn't even discuss. We wouldn't even talk about in the studio off air. There was some dark content coming through on the text machine. From the hits audience. I know. you're sick You're all sick

We came over here, we thought it was all unicorns and rainbows No, no, no There's a dark side to the hits And it lives on the text machine In the form of some comedy But can I tell you a joke that we didn't get to on the text machine Because it just came in after we had awarded the show joke So this is going to be the one joke that we can all tell

Not just Ben and myself, you as well So not this one you're about to tell, this is the one on the podcast Yeah. This is going to be the one joke that we can all tell, not just Ben and myself, you as well. So not this one you're about to tell. This is the one on the podcast. Yeah, this is just for the podcast audience. Should I do the... Oh, no, here, okay, I'll do this one. Is this part of the joke? I like when you were reading them out this morning

from the text machine, you'd lose confidence and something would blow through. You'd go, there's a farmer in a... Oh, no, no, no, that's not good. Okay, here we go. My friend thinks he's smart. He told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

Okay. That's not bad. That's not bad. Not bad. What did the duck say when the duck purchased some lipstick? What? Put it on my bill. Oh, that's good.

That's good. That works on a couple levels. Because a duck obviously has a bill and then have onions. Yeah, well, that's good. That works on a couple levels. Because Duck obviously has a bill and then... I don't think you need to explain the bill anyway. Put it on my bill is in the... It's a growl, that one. A little teaser. What's about to come, but we do settle on one joke,

and I think it's great. It's clever because it's Guy Williams who judged it as our show joke. Said, you don't see where it's coming from. Yeah, so enjoy that on the podcast titled, You Must Be Joking. The Songy Corn Flakes of Radio. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. We're chugging around the country at the moment and it seems like everywhere we go, people are like, tell us a joke. Tell us a joke.

And I can never remember a joke, particularly in that situation. And Jono, you have one joke. I have one joke, yeah. That involves William Shatner and Stevie Nicks and a lot of explanations so will I recap it now you remember this person you remember this other person well now we've set the scene

it's perfect I'll tell you this joke yeah I mean they have to they have to be familiar with Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks and remember that William Shatner

is William Shatner even alive is he still around yeah I mean it's a dated joke so we're on a mission for the show joke, and we've got an intro. It's Jono and Ben's show joke. Because nothing stresses any human being out

more than being asked on the spot to tell a joke. Now, we want something that's going to work for all occasions. It's not going to... Weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, circumcisions. We'll take them all. Any occasion, any demograph. It has to span the generations. Yeah, we don't want to offend anyone with this.

It needs to be said on the radio. So if you've got something for us, give us a call. 0800 The Hitzel, Texas, 4487. After 8 o'clock, we've got a Billy T. Award winning comedian on the show. We're going to run the jokes past them so they can decide which one is our joke. And this is not just being in my joke. It's your joke as well, okay? It'll be the nation's joke.

Alex, you'd like to submit one from Wellington. What have you got? Why does Sweden have big barcodes on the side of their warships? Sweden barcode? I don't know. So when they come into port, they can Scandinavian. Scandinavian. Not bad.

Not bad. You could even update it and go, why have they got QR codes on the side of the ships too? Okay. For 2020 pandemic purposes. Not bad, Alice. Scandinavian. Oh, that's what I like.

Could be a front runner. Could be a front runner. Hamilton. Kezi, welcome to New Zealand's Breakfast. Oh, good morning. How are you? We're doing well, Kezi. It's lovely to hear your voice.

The show joke you'd like to put forward an entry. Okay, I must admit, I stole this from my 13-year-old, okay? Okay. So, why did the orange lose the race? Why did the orange? I don't know. Why the orange lost the race? Because she ran out of juice.

That's good, that's good, good. Two good answers. Two good responses. They're good. Family friendly, Ben. That was his major concern. Look, to be honest, can we pull them out of the curtain? There's been some some that haven't been.

There's 95% of jokes on the text. We couldn't, I wouldn't even say with these lips. I have to kiss my mother with these lips. They are eye openers. Oh yeah, John is on. I'm trying to delete them off the text machine. John is on, we can't read that one. We can't read, oh, we can't read that one.

We can't read that one. But then we're all loving them. So, Andrew, that's 4487. Have you got a joke for us? We're looking for the nation's joke. Mitchell, you're on the air. Submit your joke. We're going to pitch it to a Billy T. Award winning comedian

just after 8 o'clock to see what the show's joke will become. Sweet. Why doesn't a bull make a good salesman? Why doesn't a bull make a good salesman? Why doesn't a bull make a good salesman? Because they can't speak English? No, because they charge too much. That's good.

These are the ones that you would find generally on the back of a chip packet. You know where they used to print jokes on chip packets? Christmas crack ass sort of thing. They're not out there to offend anyone. Just get out there. Oh, good. To get a hmm.

Yeah, that's good, yeah. Yeah, nice one, Mitchell. Thank you. Linny in Otorohanga, welcome to New Zealand's Breakfast. Submit your joke, Lin. Hey, matey. So I got a phone call at work from my four-year-old granddaughter yesterday. She goes, Nana, why do ducks have feathers?

I said, I don't know, matey. She says, to cover their butt quack. That's good. And you told it like it was a story. I was like, oh, this is good. Yeah, but it was a long play. It was a natural delivery. Well done, Linny.

Linny's still cracking up about that one. Still quacking up. Go on, you. Zach in Palmerston North, welcome to the show. I've just got Lobster Joke here as a note next to your name. Zach, take it away. All right. What's the difference between an old bus stop

and a lobster with breast implants? Old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants. I feel like, okay, we're here now, so I get, what? One's a busty cross station. One's a crusty bus station.

That's not bad. Not bad. Why is a lobster spending so much money on breast implants? I don't know. Unnecessary. Not on a lobster.

Not on a lobster. Put him on me. If you're going to blow that cash. All right, and the producer is saying we need to go five. Shads, you're on a lobster. Not on a lobster. Put them on me. If you're going to blow that cash. All right. And the producer, I'm pretty saying we need to go five. Shaz, you're on the air. We're looking for the show's joke. The one joke that Ben and I can tell and you can tell when we're all put on the spot.

What is it from you? Shaz. Hi. Take it away. Take it away. Why was the washing machine laughing? Why was the washing machine laughing? Why was the washing machine laughing?

Hmm. Because it was taking the piss out of the undies. That's actually... We've got some great ones. We do. I think we've got our top three somewhere. If you've got one, you think you can beat it, text us 4487, 8 o'clock this morning, just after we give away money for Dog Almighty. If you've got one you think you can beat it text us 4487 8 o'clock this morning just after we give away money for Dog Almighty.

If you've got the code word we're going to call a Bellity Award winning comedian and decide which is the joke we need to stick with. Remember to double pump the vogels.

It's Jono and Ben on the hits. I'm a bit of an impulse buyer when it comes to just novelty stupid and generally ugly as hell items. You know in the past I bought a I bought a North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, wall hanging.

Oh, you did? Yeah, remember? Did you? Yeah, and I was wall hanging of him in front of his nuclear ships, just smiling. He's quite a cute character. If you didn't know what he was up to, you'd be like, that guy is cute, cute AF, but he's in front of a nuclear warship and he's smiling and looking adorable

and says, live, laugh, love, on the wall hanging. You know, I bought... That's what I just saw Paul Spierder go.

I'll buy that and put that up where? What did you have in mind for that? I was hoping that was a lounge piece in our lounge and I bought it home. I know, you know, you're genuine wife

and I'm like, even I know that. You know my wife better than I do. You could have told me, don't buy that. She's not going to let you put that up. Yeah. If you're in a flat maybe in Dunedin. Yeah.

In Castle Street, you're 18. Absolutely, you know. So then I've also impulse bought a bucket hat too. Remember a bucket hat? Yeah. Which you shamed me out of. But now, very fashionable. So I have now taken back

I've withdrawn my shaming of that and said I apologise, you're ahead of the trend on that one. And I was at like Lookshark the other day and I bought an apron which has got an animated set of abdominals on it that says my abs are as hot as the barbecue. Oh my god, you're such a dad. I can't even deal. I always thought

a rash shirt with abs and muscles would be good. You know how people wear rash shirts at the beach? You put one on and it's all... She's already calling us dads. Don't talk about rash shirts. Very good. Nothing funny about skin cancer. That's right.

True. Sounds like you are her dad talking to her. I don't put a rash shirt on. That's what I say to the kids. They're like, oh, right, Dad. The latest impulse buy, and I went to Bunnings on the weekend, and I saw this sausage dog door stop. You know if you go to a birthday party, and there's one of those strange clowns there making things with balloons,

and they do a sausage dog. It's that shape, but a little bit bigger, and it's full of beans and beans. And you put it under the door to stop the draft. Oh, the draft's coming through through yeah. And I tell you what that got a cold response and it wasn't due to lack of trying it was trying to block the draft under the door. Oh so you purchased this took it home It's been shamed out of the house as well

I was like this is handy She's like that is the ugliest thing I think I've ever seen So what I want to do is I want to give it away today because it's sitting in the shed at the moment. Right. And I feel that we can run a test competition.

Who wants to win my sausage dog doorstop? Because it's a bit breezy. It's got a dog head, I imagine, on it. And then the body is obviously the doorstop. The long doorstop. And then it's got a little tail on the end. Yeah, that's cute. Yeah, you would like that.

Yeah, I would. Yeah, 4487 if you want the sausage dog. Okay, I'll give it to somebody. Have you got anything that's been banned from the house been oh i totally well i talk about my figurines by simpsons figurines that's right that mysteriously kept disappearing i'm sure a lot more than this a lot more characters they slowly one by one and just keep making their way out of the lounge and they're in there a lounge they're allowed to we've got some shelves and now yeah i put some stuff up there, mate. I put my Deadpool little thing.

I put a whole lot of, you know, there's some Toy Story figures. It looks like I'm married to an eight-year-old. Please remove you. So I come over and go, oh, the kids put their stuff up. No, it's my stuff. Kids aren't allowed to touch those.

They're not for playing with. They do not come out of the box. Yeah, 4487 if you want a sausage dog doorstop because it's not allowed in my house. Serving bowls of lolls for breakfast. Actual lolls may not be served. It's Jono and Ben on the heads. Now, yesterday, friends of ours were having their wedding anniversary,

which was pretty cool. Who are they? Matt and Joe. Matt and Joe. Happy anniversary, Matt and Joe. So it was pretty cool. And we ran into one of them, and we were having a conversation about,

you know, just reminiscing quickly about our weddings and I like to remind my wife about how long she made me wait on the wedding day. Now we got married in Fiji a few years ago and... And linen suits that you ordered online? Yeah, that was the first incarnation. He ordered some free-flowing

linen suits. Stuff that you'd usually cover a couch in. He thought oh, this would be appropriate to wear. But ordered it online, risky manoeuvre, and they showed up. Wasn't good. They looked like pyjamas.

I put them in a clothing bin. I say we never speak of this again, but we often speak about this on the radio. It's my wife and I don't speak about it. It's my only story about your wedding,

and I love it. I love it. I love to think that there's probably, how many were in your party? There's four. Four. I love that there's four homeless people looking matching in linen suits

wandering around the city somewhere. But we got married in Fiji and the weather in the afternoon was meant to be looking like it might be a bit of rain and we're going to get married on the beach, pretty casual, but we decided to go

and they had a little chapel on the beach, just this tiny little chapel and we're like, oh, maybe we should go in there because the weather could be a bit rainy. That's the best thing to use churches for is when you think the weather's going to turn and you need some cover.

I think that's what they're made for. When it's looking a bit cloudy and rainy, you want to get into a church. That's why Jesus started them. One day, people are going to want shelter from the weather when they're in Fiji having a wedding. I'll design this.

Anyway, it didn't turn out raining, but we committed to this. So we were in there and it was glass windows all around the place. So it was basically in there in the afternoon in Fiji, like 30 degrees. It was like a glass house. It was so hot inside there. So I was waiting up the front and a few people were in there and I'm waiting for my wife, Amanda. Already a nervous occasion.

And the heat is adding more sweat. And I don't think the air con was working into this little place. I don't think they had any air con so I was like, oh, this is hot. Here we go. It was 10 minutes past

and I'm like, okay, we can wait. 20 minutes past. I was like, oh, okay. Were you freaking out at this stage? Oh yeah, I was sweating the sweat mainly through the heat

but also... Was she going to turn up? It got to 30 minutes and I'm like, uh-oh. She was half an hour late for the wedding. She was an hour late for the wedding. She was 48 minutes late for the wedding.

48 minutes. In her defence, there'd been a mix-up with the hair place and some bookings and stuff. And a mix-up with their feelings towards you. She had to be talked around. She had a lot of time to talk around. 48 minutes. Well, you know, when someone's questioning marrying someone

for the rest of their life it takes a little bit of convincing it was funny and then it was not funny and then it was funny

and then it was not funny were you getting people to check it was a rollercoaster of emotions trying to get through the thing

and I was like 48 minutes you made me wait but she was like great best comeback ever she's like well you made me

wait 7 years to ask me to marry you so I was like oh great burn great burn yeah so there you go

so I can never win that argument at home, but I just thought it reminded me of it yesterday, talking to Matt and Jo. And then he, do you know what he did to avoid a first dance? He knew he couldn't dance. So what it is, he started the dance, and then like literally 10 seconds later, brought in a friend who was in a costume.

A costume, like a novelty sort of mascot suit. A mascot suit, like a fox, and got him to do the dance. Only at Ben Boyce's wedding with him. He took Tammy on the shoulder and I sat down, they did the dance and I was like... So your wife and this dude just did the first dance instead of you? I started it. And that's how she ended up actually marrying a fox that day.

And not Ben. Silver fox, there's Alva. Alva catch, that's what you want. Eggs for breakfast. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Now, we've been talking about how we've been travelling around a little bit and everywhere we go people are like, tell us a joke. And we don't have any good jokes.

Well, you've got one, Jono, and it takes a lot of explanation. It does. Yeah, we told it the other day in Tokoroa. So. Don't do the joke. It's not going to go down well. Now, have you heard of a band called Fleetwood Mac? Yes.

No, no, no. So there was a singer in Fleetwood Mac called Stevie Nicks. Yes. And she had a secret marriage to another actor called William Shatner. Yep. And they joined their names together, and for a while she was known as Stevie Shatner Nicks. Yeah, not bad.

Oh, you've got two laughs. Very, very dated joke. We need something better. We need something we can tell on all occasions. So we've had some suggestions come through this morning, right? All morning, yeah, for the show joke. Not just the joke that Ben and myself can tell, but you can tell as well,

because no one likes being put on the spot with tell us a joke. And right now we have the tallest, loudest, and most available comedian at this early hour on the phone to make a decision for us. Guy Williams from Taskmaster. Welcome to New Zealand's Breakfast Guy. Hey, thanks for having me, but I'm not Guy Williams from

Taskmaster. I'm Guy Williams from Jono and Ben, the best TV show ever made. That sounded so patriotic with the music playing behind you. I don't know if you could hear the music, but boy, that sounded great. It did, it sounded like, yeah. Guy, we really appreciate it. Now, I imagine you being a comedian going all around the music, but boy, that sounded great. It did, it sounded like, yeah. Guy, we really appreciate it. Now, I imagine you being a comedian

going all around the country, you'll get, all the time, people will be like, tell us a joke, tell us a joke. And that's your job, to tell jokes, right? Yeah, it's a weird one because people yell at you on the street

and it's like, you know, you don't yell at other people on the street. You don't yell at us. The mechanic goes, fix my car. It's annoying. Like, I will tell them a joke if they just buy a ticket to my show. Cheap buggers. Yeah, I'll tell an hour worth of jokes.

Now, Guy, we've narrowed down our top three. Plenty of submissions that have come through the text machine this morning. 98% of them we can't even air on national radio. But you've made some big decisions in your life. I mean, you decided to ditch your university degree in political sciences for a low-paying career and people abusing you in comedy clubs. So this will be easy to make this big decision.

We present to you our top three. Here's finalist number one. Finalist number one. Now, why do ducks have feathers? Don't know, matey. She says, to cover their butt quack. Ducks have feathers to cover their butt quack. What do you think, Guy Williams?

Well, that's a basic, you know, pun, and I'm going to say a poor one at that, but I really love the delivery. The delivery sells it. I'll give that maybe a six out of ten. Six out of ten. Not loving the pun quality.

Well, he's going to hate the next two. Finalist number two. Why was the washing machine laughing? Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the undies. Taking the piss out of the undies. What do you think? I reckon that's much better.

That works in multiple ways. I reckon that's much better. That works in multiple ways. I'll give that, I reckon that's a 7 out of 10. That's solid, that one. Oh, it's leading the charge at the moment. The nation's joke. And finally, here's our contestant number three. Finalist number three. Why does Sweden have big barcodes on the side of their warships?

Sweden barcode, I don't know. So when they come into port they can Scandinavian yes yes that is the winner Scandinavian the Scandinavian joke

perfect joke what I love about that is the set up is so poor you're like where is this guy with the Swedish Barcode

and then the pun is so bad it's actually genius. That is a perfect joke. That guy nailed it. That's awesome. That is the show's joke then.

Scandinavian New Zealand. You can tell that whenever you're put on the spot. You can catch Guy Williams tonight on Taskmaster New Zealand TVNZ2. 9.30 tonight. 8.30 tonight, Guy.

You almost nailed the timer. Well done, Jono. Basic competency, mate. One of those two times. It'll. Well done, Jono. Basic competency, mate. One of those two times. It'll be on TV at some stage tonight. Just keep watching. Flick around if you don't know what channel. Catch you on demand.

Guy Williams, always good to catch up. Love your work. We'll talk to you soon. Cheers, Rose. Appreciate it. Want more Jono and Ben? You can catch up with the boys anytime. Just search Jono and Ben on Facebook.

Earlier this morning we found out the huge salary that Johnny Depp got for his new movie that he's now had to pull out of. Yeah, because of losing his court case, he had to resign from Fantastic Beasts movie, but he'd only filmed one scene on one day and he got $10 million for what would have been his payout and pay for the movie. He looks like a guy who needs more millions of dollars

so I'm glad they're helping out Johnny Depp there. I think he's spent quite a lot of it according to some of the court cases and things that have been revealed. Some of his lavish spending. He's got property all over the world though, weren't you reading the other day? He's got an island, he's got a French village. I think he bought a small village

in France. Well as I always say, if everything turns to custody, you can sell your island. That's got an island, he's got a French, I think he bought a small village in France. I mean, yeah. Well, as I always say, if everything turns to custard, you can sell your island. That's the ethos that we've all lived by, hasn't it? Buy your first island, get into the island game.

Yes, get into the island, you're right. It's never too soon to get into the island game. Get on that ladder, right? But that is a short stint at work, isn't it? One day,

one day's filming. And we want to open up the phones right now, 0800 the hits, 4487 if you want to text us. Shortest stints, whether they be employment, whether they be courses that you began and you were like, actually, this is not for me, and you pulled out a day later.

Whether you got fired, whether you decided to walk from a job, we'll take it. Just your shortest stints. We've got some hell pizza up for grabs on 0800 the hits. Jono, you walked out. I'd like to remind you about this. You're waiting mid-shift. Mid-shift when you were waiting.

Yeah. Had you done a shift previously? I wasn't. I had done one shift, but the second one, I was like, I am not waiting for waiting. I am getting out of here. The hospitality industry is not for me. I always think about those people.

They made their order with you. They were like, we'll be back here soon. They're probably still waiting for their cordon bleu. They're very patient people. But you know, I did walk out mid-shift and there's people

that you watch in hospitality and you're like, you're in the right job. I think it'd be great for hospitality. You know, if you're talking to people, you'd be like, oh mate,

there's this and that. I wasn't good at the back end, at the back of house. I wasn't good with the tidying up and the dishes and the, you know, remembering orders. I was shocking at remembering orders.

And handling trays of drinks. Well, you know, when I ever see someone now with 20 drinks on a tray, I have full respect to them. Full respect. Because the strength required in your four-hour muscles to hold that tray up, I couldn't do it. My first day, I spilled a whole bunch of champagne down a poor lady's back. And she was like, it's all right.

And you know when they're like, it's all right. But it's not all right. It's not all right. I know it's not all right. You know it's not all right. You just want to throw that champagne in my face, and I'll let you do what happened. So your shortest stint, as John has said before,

whether it was for work, you got fired, whether you resigned, or whether you were, you started a course, you're like, nah, not for me. We'd love to hear from you on 0800 The Hats. Adrian, you're on the shortest stint. What is it for you, mate? Is this that phone line that keeps cracking? Is this the cracky phone line?

How are you, Adrian? All good. What was your shortest stint? I'm not quite sure if it actually really fits in with what you're asking now, but I got a job and I had to wait for the start date and before the start date happened, I quit. Oh, no, that fits in with our... You've hit the wheelhouse right in the middle, Bullseye.

You actually probably won it, to be honest, because you didn't even start it. Why did you quit? Well, it was mostly the fact that the time management had changed and I wasn't able to fit it in properly, but I think it was also because was also a long time ago now. I really didn't like the idea of working in a pizza parlour. Oh, no, that's fine.

Hey, that's fine. Pizza parlours, they're not for everyone. They're not for everyone. I wish you had a more exciting answer to that question why you quit beforehand. I'd been there and done that, so I didn't really want to do it again. Fair enough. You don't want to go backwards in life.

Didn't even make it to day one. I don't know if we can beat that. Lucy's on there from Christchurch. You lost your job where, Lucy? So I had a job at a fast food restaurant. It was over the Christmas period. I was quite busy, and I was in the middle of my, yeah, they used to do 90-day trials, and I just

I was too slow. Kept dropping things everywhere, they used to do 90-day trials, and I just, I was too slow, kept dropping things everywhere. So after, I think it was four days, I got let go. You're still like, I've got another 86 days to prove myself. I know, but clearly they just, they needed someone with faster hands. Reliable hands. Reliable hands. Reliable hands. You can't even think of the name for them So no wonder you can't use them

What are these Oh these Oh these things Oh these things Am I meant to use these things Am I to hold stuff Oh hold the line We're going to send you out some hell pizza

We appreciate your call alright Thank you Good on you Lucy Someone's texted in 4487 I worked at a video shop A new guy started day one He thought it'd be funny

To put on an NSDFW video On all the screens Uh oh And he lost his job After three hours It wasn't that funny It is funny though isn't it Guy started day one. He thought it'd be funny to put on an NSDFW video on all the screens. And he lost his job after three hours. It wasn't that funny. It is funny, though, isn't it? The long-term employment option is not funny. We'll go to Nigel in Tauranga.

Welcome, Nigel. How long did your stint last? It wasn't me. It was my wife. She worked at KFC for 45 minutes. She didn't like it. It was hot and sweaty, and the guy that was showing her was sweating all over the food as he was showing her what to do.

So it was a sweaty situation. Everyone was hot and sweaty. Are they about to hook up? What's going on? I imagine it's quite hot and sweaty back in the kitchen. There's a lot of deep fries going on. I've spent longer in KFC eating lunch than your wife worked in KFC. 45 minutes, you know, back in the kitchen. There's a lot of, you know, deep fries going on. I've spent longer in KFC eating lunch than your wife

worked in KFC. 45 minutes, you're like, I'm done. Did she quit or get fired? No, she quit.

She just told them it wasn't for her and she walked out. Did she get to keep the uniform? No, she didn't want that. She's like,

you can have my sweaty shirt back as well. Hot and sweaty. Not just the chicken getting hot in the deep fryer, also the staff. Appreciate that. MJ, on the air, welcome. Oh Hot and sweaty. Not just the chicken getting hot in the deep fryer, also the staff. Appreciate that. MJ on the air, welcome. Oh, and goodbye. What a wonderful conversation.

Stint on our phone topic as well. We really won that one. Just like a chocolate milkshake, only white and disappointing. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Now, Shera Coke is back for this summer. They've added more popular Kiwi slang onto the sides of the cans and bottles. Nicknames like Mum's Fave,

Good Sort, Old Mate, Good Bugger, and Hard Case. And we're looking for some good buggers around New Zealand right now. We're meeting some wonderful people. Yeah, we've travelled all around the country since Friday, actually, and hit the music.

I saw Joe Biden playing this when he came out. Was he jogging out? He was jogging out. It almost feels like he has to jog out because everyone's like, oh, he's so old. He's like, no, I'm sprightly. He's sprightly.

My cardiovascular couldn't be better. I feel as if I was 30. You were saying Joe Biden was really hot when he was young, Julia. Oh, my goodness. A photo has resurfaced of him, and damn, I would get around that if I was back in the day. Oh, he's still hot now? What, you say he's not hot now?

No. I saw a match between Justin Trudeau, the Canadian Prime Minister, and Joe Biden when they were younger. I'd like to Trudeau their Bidens if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. Anyway, so simply the best, yes, because these people are simply the best. We started on Friday. We don't know what you mean. Anyway, so simply the best, yes, because these people are simply the best. We started on Friday. We went and visited the retirement village.

There was a wonderful chef named Peter who comes in early during a sheet, doesn't have a lunch break, spends time with the elderly folk in the retirement village, and we awarded him. I'm a little bit nervous. I've never been part of like a surprise moment like this. You're so hot in here. Hey!

Peter has arrived. Your friend Ange has nominated you for this Good Bugger Award. Oh, my. You get this trophy. You get a T-shirt. You get a Coca-Cola that says Good Bugger, and you also get $500 to say thank you for everything you've done. That's pretty awesome.

We're well-deserving with Peter. Then we went to Tokoroa, and they put on a wonderful welcome. There was about 170 people there. That was for Christina Richard, who run the Eclipse Centre there for the youth in Tokoroa, doing wonderful work there. And then yesterday, Ben Boyce, it was back to you. Back for you to the police station. No stranger to the cells.

Last time you were there, you were with a lawyer negotiating a plea deal. Many years ago, but I won't reflect on that. Thanks for reflecting on that. And you're saying a police station is probably the last place you want to turn up with a bunch of coke, but we did. And they were happy for it, weren't they? Yeah, they were. They were happy because they're doing wonderful things

in the community this Christmas. We went and saw Lyle at the Mount Wellington Police Station. Here with Lyle at the police station. Wonderful to see you. Wonderful to see you too. Now, do you have to check Ben's bags since we're here? Let's not go for the obvious joke straight away. No, he left his bag

just at the counter. If you want to have a look now while we're in here, it's over to you. I think he's pretty legit. He's pretty legit. I'm here because Shera Coke is back this summer and we hear you do wonderful things in the community. Someone has nominated you for this award. So what exactly do

you do for the community? Well, this year for Christmas, we're going to give presents to kids that otherwise aren't going to get presents. It's been a really tough year. So we're gathering up presents with our partners and our staff and making sure we can get presents to kids this Christmas. Yeah, and so if you've got something that you could donate or you could help out a family in need. That would be most useful. But what we're going to do today is we're going to acknowledge the good work that you and the police are doing for these families in need. The hits are going to give you $500 and we're going to

share a coke with you. What? Woo! Awesome. So we'll be going down to the Silvia Park shopping mall and spending that $500 for these kids. Oh, that's what's going to be put to good use. Good on you. And that's why you're a good

bugger, because I would take that money and spend it for myself. We definitely won't be doing that. There's plenty of kids out there that need that. Have you been on Police 10-7? Yes. Have you? And she's been on Police 10-7. Could we get a better person? Well, nice. So has John, but we can Lyle Norris. His name's John O,

but we can't talk about that. He had a pixelated face and stuff. You knew I was him. That was Lyle from the Mount Wellington Police and very deserving of that $500, the Good Bugger Award. And today we go off

and share another coke with some great people which we'll play in a minute. But as we're driving away from the police station yesterday, the song that came on the radio, remember that? Oh, yeah, it was Bad Boys in a Circle. And I tell you what, you couldn't have any less bad boys.

It just happened to be on the radio as we drove away. Walking out of the police station and we're like, well, we're not that bad. We just rewarded the police, if anything. I always used to think the start of it sounded like Ben Boyce, Ben Boyce. Ben Boyce, Ben Boyce. So we had to steal a pen or something from the police station, so Ben was a bad boy. We did take a taser, though.

We've had a lot of fun with that taser over the last 24 hours. We're going to just be tasering everyone. Say, good morning, Juliet. Today we're off to see Keith and Sally up in the far north of New Zealand. They do wonderful things in the community. Keith goes around and picks up rubbish every day, and he also makes these massive bubbles to entertain everyone driving to work and the kids in the community. Keith goes around and picks up rubbish every day and he also makes these massive bubbles to entertain everyone

driving to work and the kids in the area. Can we get inside a bubble if we come and visit you? Oh, you're too big. I can put kids inside a bubble. Oh, well, you can put Ben and he's the size of a child.

Yeah. Okay, can you fit inside a hula hoop? I can fit inside a hula hoop. Yeah, we can give it a go. How big do you think we are? Fit inside a hula hoop. Most people can fit inside a hula hoop? I can fit inside a hula hoop. Yeah, we can give it a go. How big do you think we are? Fit inside a hula hoop. Most people can fit inside a hula hoop.

That's why they're designing it. I can't wait to meet Keith and Sally today on the Coca-Cola Good Buggers Tour. Hey, you've got toothpaste on the side of your mouth. It's Jono and Ben on my hips. Oh, listen, I feel like it's taken me two days to wake up into this week. How about you guys? Yeah, a little bit like that. Exactly the same. Yeah, well, we're here now, aren't we? We're alive and well, so I apologise for the me two days to wake up into this week. How about you guys? Yeah, a little bit like that. Exactly the same.

Yeah, well, we're here now, aren't we? We're alive and well. So I apologise for the last two days of shows. Must have been very bleak to listen to. But did you notice something yesterday in the meeting, Ben, that we were having in the afternoon with our wonderful colleague? Fast becoming a friend, Nick. Yeah.

Did you notice anything unusual about me? Because I was trying to cover something up. No, not in particular. My stomach was out of control. It was making a lot of gastrointestinal noises. You know how you get the squelchy, the squelchy noise? Right, you're just like,

when your tummy's just like, I want to pipe in and contribute to this meeting. Yeah, and you've got no control over it. It's like an intoxicated friend who hasn't read the room and you can't shut them up. You are, mate. And you just try and talk over it. And eventually you have to, you know,

you end up apologising for it, don't you? But I didn't yesterday. I wrote it out. But it got worse in the car ride on the way home. This was, I was putting it right close in the car park. Oh, wow. Listen to it. This is a lot. Sounds like right close in the car park. Oh wow. Listen to it. This is like something out of Jurassic Park, isn't it? There's a lot going on in there,

isn't there? I feel sorry for your stomach. We talk about this all the time. From four in the morning to what, six at night. You don't give it anything other than coffee and maybe some drinks, you know? Coca-Cola. Yeah. You don't give it anything. You don't give it any food. The stomach's just like, just give me some food. you know? Coca-Cola. Yeah. You don't give it anything. You don't give it any food. No matter if the stomach's just like,

just give me some food. And we were eating lunch at that meeting, Nick and I, so your stomach's probably sitting there going, why can't I have some of that? Just give me some of that. Why can't I? Look, you guys are eating lunch. We're actually like, it's not taking any more time out of your day. Do you know I researched this too afterwards?

Why it makes noise. Do you want to know? Yeah. Okay. It's when the abdominal sounds are made because the intestines are hollow and so the bowel sounds echo through the hollow intestines in your abdomen. And that's what makes noise. If you want

to stop it, apparently you drink water. You can hush it or clench your bottom. There's another thing you can do. So if you find me sitting there in a meeting from now on, what's wrong with him? Nothing. You've been writing out this not eating food for a long time,

don't you? Yeah, it's going on probably 10, 15 years now. I don't know why you do it. I just trained myself to do it. When we were doing two jobs, I didn't have time for it. And so now it's just become a part of the routine. But it's all right. You always look sorry for me, don't you? I do. I didn't have time for it. And so now it's just become a part of the routine. But it's all right. You always look sorry for me, don't you?

I feel sorry for your stomach. And then you slap a big Endeavor tattoo, like boat tattoo on your stomach, just to add ultimate insult to injury. You put a tattoo of one of the first ships to New Zealand or something. I wanted to pay homage to... Don't give me any food.

So why are you doing this to me? And you put a dog smoking a cigarette on me? Yeah, nothing at all. What have I done to you? You've done nothing. You haven't been able... I haven't been able to do up my pants for the whole year too.

I keep getting into these suit pads that Ben's got for us when we go and do MC gigs and they don't fit. I'm sure these are your pants. He's like, no, no, no, they're still yours. This passive-aggressive way of telling me this is your ideal weight, buddy.

New Zealand's breakfast. Just don't eat them. They're chewy. It's Jono and Beryl the Hits. Low fare ride share is finally here with Didi. It's launching in Auckland and it will launch in other regions soon enough. It's the Didi

ride share. It's the lower fare, it's Didi Rideshare. It's the lower fare rideshare option at the moment. They're 10% lower than other comparable services. And we've got a Didi car that's travelling around New Zealand. If you register at the hitstockco.nz and we turn up outside your place, you've got 60 seconds to run out to get to the car. And normally it's 500 bucks, but it's jackpotted to a thousand bucks today, right?

After yesterday, yes, we had Felix from the Hits in Christchurch outside Ollie's house. The 60-second timer was ticking down. 20 seconds left on the clock, Felix. Any movement? We're not seeing anything right now. I'm feeling quite stressed. This is devastating.

We're getting no answer on the phone. There's no one running out, and there's the timer up. Ollie did not run out of the house and then phoned us probably two minutes later. Nice. We got it. Yeah, how's my shower? What do you want to say to the future

cash car competitors? Don't have showers. And that's a lesson we can all take away from this. Hi, Gene. Got it for Ollie, good friend of the show listens quite a lot. So it was a shame to miss out on that money. It was almost worth Ollie running out of the shower naked with his DD out down the street chasing down the cash car.

But hygiene took priority over cash that time. So today we've got the cash car out and about. Should we find out where it is? And it's up to $1,000, of course, because Ollie didn't come out yesterday. We'll head to Invercargill. Jodie, how's our mate Jodie? She's doing well. Thank you very much, boys. Yeah, head to Invercargill. Jodie, how's our mate Jodie? She's doing well. Thank you very much, boys.

Yeah, how's Invercargill this morning? It's absolutely glorious here this morning. It's very mild. It's about 12 degrees with a wee bit of cloud, but, you know, it's not raining. And that's the main thing, isn't it? Now, Jodie, you're outside someone's house who's registered at the hits.co.nz.

Can we get a name? Can we get a description of the property? Nicola Blanche is the name, and the description of the property is it's a red brick house, and I can see somebody looking out the window at me. Oh, okay. We need to start the clock then, I guess. All right, it's a red brick and tile.

Nicola's got 60 seconds. And it's no exit street. Yes. No exit street. Jodie, any movement out of the house? Someone's been peering out of the curtain, maybe thinking you were spying on them, doing an undercover operation or something. Anyone coming out?

I've got people. I've got a couple of kids who look like they're coming out. Okay, kids are running. Let's go get their kids. That's all. There's a cat here too. Now they... There's a cat.

Everyone, the cat... Can you see her out? The cat, the dog, the kids, everyone's running out., too. Now they... There's a cat. Everyone, the cat... Can you see her out? The cat, the dog, the kids, everyone's running out. Is anyone coming to the cash car yet, Jodie? Oh, the time is running out. Ten seconds. She's getting out of her jammers. She's getting out of her...

No time to change. Oh, jeez. It's a thousand... She's got time to get changed. She's got to come out now. A thousand dollars. Clock has ticked. I see ten seconds.

We've got 20 seconds left now. Sorry, it was 30 at the timer 20 seconds left Juju she's racing she's got about 5 seconds come on

in it for Cargill for $1000 quick quick is she going to make it is she going to make it yes she's got the gate open she's going to go through the gate

quick quick is she there yes she is and she's in the car. Oh, she's in the car. I think we'll do it. Okay, it's over to you, Jodie. Did she get Nikki?

You think she got in the car? Because the buzzer sounded. Yeah, she's got the car, and she's just found something. And, whoo! No, you can't say those words. Okay. She just... Hang on, I'll just put you on to Nicola.

Okay. Hello. Nicola. Okay. Hello. Nicola, welcome. Whatever words you said to Jodie, please repeat them now. No, no, sounds like that. Okay, thank you so much. Wow. You made a mad dash from inside.

Yeah, I was getting the kids ready for school. And you got changed somehow and got to the car within a minute just, we understand, you just got there. Yes, yes. You've got $1,000 thanks to Dee Dee. Whoa, thank you so much. That was intense. That was really intense. We were wondering what was happening actually.

When Jodie was like, she's getting changed, I was like, why is she getting changed? Get out there. You literally made it into the car as the buzzer sounded. Yay. Yay. Oh, high drama with the cash car this morning.

Yay. $1,000. That's a great way to start your day. Oh, yes, it is. Thank you so much. You're very welcome, Mark. Go and have a lovely day.

If you want to register right now at the hits.co.nz the DD Cash Car will be in another location somewhere around New Zealand tomorrow. $500 on the line once again. Oh, hits.co.nz. The DD Cash Car will be in another location somewhere around New Zealand tomorrow. $500 on the line once again. Woo wee!

That was high drama. Morning! It's Jono and Ben on the hips. Buy the What's Up by .co.nz. All of the people in this bulletin brought to you by Botox. Botox for when you want to trick people into thinking you're five years younger. Over to you, Juliet. Thanks very much. Now, Phil Collins, his ex-wife, and they're going through a bitter sort of split.

It feels like it. It feels like she's saying all sorts of stuff about him all the time, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think she was living in his house and he's trying to kick her out. And there's all this drama there. But she has said that he refused at a point when they were together to shower for a year and that he stunk so bad that it got to the point where he would just refuse to hang out with people outside his house. So he tried to smell her out of the house with his odour.

He's like, I've tried everything. Yeah, and apparently also didn't clean his teeth for a year, which is just... Sorry, that was a weird noise. When you're that rich, you can do anything, though. Because you can know a year later, well, I've got enough money to fix myself up if need be. I get new teeth.

I get new teeth. Yeah. Like Hollywood movie teeth. But he reckons that his ex-wife's trying to defame him and say all this stuff that's untrue. It's unusual defaming. He didn't shower for a year. Surely there's stronger hooks she can lead on to.

Yeah, true. But that's just disgusting. Have you guys... I haven't gone a year. I've probably four days, maybe, a good one. Yeah. Oh, true. But that's just disgusting. Have you guys... I haven't gone a year. Probably four days, maybe, a good one. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, you'd be a daily. You'd be twice daily. No, definitely

once a day. I mean, if you've got... Camping would be probably the only time that you wouldn't probably be doing that sort of thing. True. And it's all about your environment. If you're around other people who aren't showering, then you're in it together, aren't you? Yeah. True. Yeah, I think sometimes at a festival, when you're like three-day camping, I've gone that time probably without showering or just going in the ocean for a swim as my shower.

God, I really roughed it up at festivals. When you actually do have a shower after that long period of time, you feel sorry for the drain. You're like, I'm sorry what I'm doing. What's going down here? What I've caused in this issue? Yeah. But I know that we know a guy called Seven Showers Tony, don't we?

Is he Seven Showers Tony? You said that with no confidence. I thought he was Seven Showers Tony. But he has seven showers a day. Maybe you know him more better than I do. I don't know if I know him. Anyway, my friend Seven Showers Tony. Yeah, he has seven showers a day.

Wow. It sounds like a lot, but when he explains his daily routine, you're like, it actually makes sense. Right. Yeah. And he's working in a job where he gets mucky. But yeah, big shout out to Seven Shows Tony. Seven Shows Tony.

You're a good friend of ours, Seven Shows Tony. And that's five. For more, you can head to thehats.co.nz. We all know you. You know Seven Shows Tony. I feel like with a name like Seamus Charles Tony I would know I'd remember that

I'd be like oh yeah it's the guy that had Seamus Charles right oh yeah well maybe he's only a dear friend to me

Seamus Charles Tony thanks for tuning in he's very clean and hygienic so I think I'd like him I'd like him it sounds great what more Jono and Ben

you can catch up with the boys anytime just search Jono and Ben on Instagram the A to Z of New Zealand we're calling You can catch up with the boys anytime. Just search Jono and Ben on Instagram. We're calling every town and city in New Zealand. We call one a day and we're slowly making our way all around New Zealand alphabetically. Yeah, we're getting to Hou Hora this morning, which is 41km north of Kaitaia in the North Island, top half of the North Island.

Looking at the pictures, it looks like a town where you could drive a ute that last had a warrant of fitness in 1996. You could ride a horse to work and on the way home you could ride a whale. These are your options in Ho Horta, but it looks like they probably don't even know there's a pandemic going on. It looks like a place where we'd all rather be right now. We're going to head through to the four square in Ho Horta now. Good morning, Wolf. Hello, sorry, who did we have here? Jackie.

Jackie, it's Jono and Ben from the Hits Radio station here. How are you? Good, thanks. How are you? Good. We're phoning every town in New Zealand and it's Hohora's turn. Oh, yay. Now, where is this place? Hohora, so it's like right up the top of the North Island, about like an hour's drive from Cape Reinga. Oh, yay. Now, where is this place? Ho'ohara, so it's like right up the top of the North Island, about like an hour's drive

from Cape Reinga. Oh, nice. We're about to the sand dunes that you get boogie boards and you sort of slide down on. How close to that are you? Te Paki Sand Dunes. Yeah. Yeah, so that's like, that'd be like an hour from here. Okay. Definitely well worth the trip up there. It's not a fun load, but walking back up,

whoa. Yes, it's emotional walking up there, especially in this hot heat and that sand. I keep having to pretend that I was watching other people do it, because you get halfway. You can't breathe, you get halfway, you're puffed. You're so loud. You're nearly there, you're nearly there, but not quite. Watch the people do it. Yeah, there we go.

I'm definitely watching people, and now I'll go back up again. Is the reward of going down the hill worth the pain? Oh, it's fun. It's really fun, but it's quite quick. Oh, it's fun. It's really fun. Oh, it definitely is. Yeah, it's worth it. There's a 10 seconds of joy. And then 35 minutes of climbing up.

Yeah, it's like walk up for how long, takes forever. No, not really. But sometimes it does and you get halfway and you get down and you're over in two seconds. Get a bit weak. You're going so fast, you're getting whiplash from the sand. You're really not doing a good job of selling this attraction. Oh, it's fun.

It's a lot of fun. Would I have to take my Ventolin inhaler? Possibly. Yeah, probably, yes. Is everyone up in everyone else's grill? Not quite, no. No, but small town, word gets around pretty quick. That's for sure.

You tell us some town gossip. Oh, no. Just some juicy gossip. Just some friendly, juicy gossip. Friendly, juicy gossip. It doesn't have to be too juicy. No, no, I just stick to myself. What is there something we can do there?

If we came along, what would you recommend? Fishing charters. Definitely fishing charters. Up to the Cape, though. Check out the sunrise or sunset. Cape Reunga is a very magical place, isn't it? It is, yep. It's definitely beautiful up there.

The view's amazing. Yeah, we went up there. It's so stunning. You're like, is this even part of New Zealand? It is, yep. It's definitely beautiful up there. The view's amazing. Yeah, we went up there. It's so stunning. You're like, is this even part of New Zealand? Yeah, I know. It's stunning, eh? But not a lot of people know where it is. Like, they get up here and they're like,

oh, how far is the Cape? And they go, oh, it's like an hour's drive. It's really worth the drive if you go up there. It's amazing, yeah. Yeah, can I tell you a story? We were driving up there and we ran out of petrol. And I was like, uh-oh, this is really too, and this is like a quarter of a tank.

So we stopped outside the meatworks, I think in Kaitaia. Yes. And there was like a petrol pump there. I'm like, this is ideal. And you could prepay with your FPOS. And so when I was putting the petrol in, I was like, that's unusual.

The nozzle doesn't go directly in, you know, the bowser. The bowser, yeah. So we were holding the flap open and pouring it in in the middle of nowhere, 5 o'clock in the morning. Oh, shit. Jumped in the car, and it turned out it was diesel. Oh, you put the wrong petrol in. Oh, no.

So we were stranded, and we were due up at Cape Reanga, I think, in about 40 minutes. Yeah. And a wonderful guy from the meatworks came hooning out, and he rolled his car into the ditch right in front of us. Oh, shit. And then he's like, give us a hand pushing this out.

Oh my God, that's a lot of experience, eh? And then he dropped us up at Cape Reinga and then drove back home. Holy moly, what a good guy. I know.

The hospitality in your part of the world is outstanding. It is, definitely is. People up here are lovely. Have you rolled your car into a ditch and casually just pushed it back out?

Yeah, just pushed it back out. No, but you do see it often up here. Nah, all I can say is up here, it's beautiful. It's paradise. It's home. Yeah, good old me. Yeah, home sweet home. Oh, that's lovely.

Hey, mate, what are you listening to in the background? What are we listening to? Oh, we're listening to some old school reggae. We're listening to old school reggae on Spotify. Don't tell people about Spotify. We don't want the audience to know about Spotify as a thing. What is Spotify? I've never heard about Spotify. We don't want the audience to know about Spotify, is the thing. What is Spotify? I've never heard of it.

You don't need to know about Spotify. It uses up your data. Have you thought about commercial radio? Songs with music and annoying people talking in between them. People like you guys, nah. Love your work. People who have too much time on their hands. Hang up on her now.

Nice talking to you, buddy. Awesome. Thanks, man. Have a good day. More painful than your alarm clock. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Scrolling through your page. Whether it is the international US election or a local statue erection,

this man is honoured. Ben Boyce with the news is broken overnight. The Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, she gets sent gifts all the time and she got sent something. She put it on her social media yesterday. It was a box, a brown box, that said on the outside, you'll never guess what's inside.

And it was from David Seymour and says, let's form a coalition. Yeah, she wouldn't have guessed that. Well, just not quite as surprising as that would have been, but almost just. And so it was a potato. Just a single potato?

I had some other stuff around it, but the potato seemed to be the vocal point. And there was a lot of puns. She was saying there were spud-tacular puns, and it was a congratulating her on a spud-tacular victory. You've smashed it again. It was all sorts of stuff. There was all sorts of pun-related.

Spud-tacular? Yeah, spud-tacular. That doesn't work, does it? He said her big smile was appealing, which was good. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, so yeah, there was lots of pun related. Spudtacular. Yeah, spudtacular. That doesn't work, does it? He said her big smile was appealing, which was good. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. So, yeah, there was lots of puns in there. Maybe they thought she was lacking vitamin B and C.

Do you know potatoes contain quite a lot of vitamin C? Do they? Yeah. My wife told me that the other night and I was like, rubbish. And I had to Google it and it turns out it wasn't rubbish. A lot of vitamins, yeah. Not just your classic oranges. Get your vitamin C fix from potatoes.

Potatoes are a great, if you had one food, I'm not talking about like a pizza or a burger to live on for the rest of your life. Potato would probably be the option. We knew someone who went on an all potato diet, didn't we? That's right. Cowboy Dan wore a cowboy hat. Yeah, he did.

And he went on all potatoes. So every meal he'd have potatoes. And he lost a lot of weight, I think, because he got sick of potatoes. He just didn't want to eat anything. I'd rather starve. Yeah. Wow. They're a versatile food, aren't they?

You'd think that you'd sort of put on weight if you only ate potatoes, because it's quite a carb heavy. Starchy and carb, yeah. But, oh, well. Worked for him. It just worked for the Irish for many years as well, just to cast a stereotype. For no reason as well.

Nothing to do with what we're talking about. Just thought I'd crowbar that in there. And the bird of the year. We have this competition in New Zealand every year, right? Hence the bird of the year. I mean, there's no new birds. They're the same birds every year. They don't breed new ones for the competition. But the little spotted kiwi, there's been

over a thousand fraudulent votes. Stop the count on this one, guys. This is the one thing we should stop the count on. Where are the swing states here? Yeah, so they reckon between one and three in the morning, over a thousand votes from the same IP address basically got entered in for the spurt of the year and they've now taken it out.

But yeah, I don't know if it was Russian hackers or who was involved in this, but yeah, that sounds like they've tried to get the Kiwi through, but it might not happen. And why did it have to happen in the middle of the night? Does the voter not know you could have done that during more acceptable hours? Maybe between 10 and 12 in the morning would have been better.

It's a long time to cast 1,000 votes for the Bird of the Year competition. And there's nothing riding on it, is there? There's no power or financial gain from the Bird of the Year. I don't know if the bird gets to live in a White House or something. I don't know. I don't know what the bird gets. We have got to check in history with the Kiwi, don't we?

Yeah. We don't. Personally, I don't want to speak on behalf of Ben. I think the thing is a precious little hoity-toity. Oh, they see you not speak on behalf of me. It's our national symbol. It's our national symbol. When we went and met the Kiwi, we couldn't look at it.

We couldn't touch it. Yeah. We had to be in a dark room. I didn't even see it. They're like, it's in here somewhere. It's our national symbol. When we went and met the kiwi, we couldn't look at it. We couldn't touch it. Yeah. We had to be in a dark room. I didn't even see it. They're like, it's in here somewhere. I was like, is it? Because you couldn't just have a whole bunch of ferns and leaves in here, and I wouldn't know.

And that's what I think some zoos around the country do, is they're like, here's the magical kiwi. And everyone's like peering up. So they've got their face up to the window, you know, when you put your hand over your eyes trying to find it. You know how to get a zookeeper with a puppet will sort of come up from the ground and sort of move around. Oh, look, there was a leaf rustle.

Must be the Kiwi waking up. Well, true, they are very dark, those rooms. You don't really see anything. You're like, I think I saw it. Yeah, I definitely saw it. I mean, it's major talent is getting eaten by stoats. And that is scrolling through your feed this morning. Not a morning person?

Sadly, neither of these two. It's Jono and Ben on the hits. Now, we spoke a couple of days ago to a former journalist, Tim Wilson, who's now working for a charity as well. And he met Donald Trump. This was before Donald Trump ran for office. And he talked about Donald Trump's handshake. And he grasps your hand and he does the power shake.

You know the shake where you flip it and he's on top and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, and he holds it for a very long time sort of trying to assert power looking you dead in the eyes with tiny, tiny hands as well.

He does have tiny hands. So you would imagine his hands wouldn't even wrap around another human being's average-sized hands. But that was his handshake interaction with Donald Trump. Now you want to hit me up about a position I put you in yesterday.

You did put me in. A questionable shaking hands position. Yeah, those handshakes have had a rocky time. A rocky 2020. They've had their shakes. It's not been a good year of handshakes. They've been in fashion. They've been out of fashion.

They've been back in fashion. There's been the elbow bump. There's been weird alternatives. Yeah, they've been thrown out there. And now it seems like we're in some sort of, and overseas, definitely there's no handshakes going on, but New Zealand, we're in some sort of weird. Transition phase.

Yeah, where everyone's like, I think we're doing this, but we're not sure if we're doing this. Sometimes you go in for a shake, and then someone goes in for a bump, and then you try, you cancel both of them out and just end up hugging, which is like completely defeating the purpose of either. But yesterday we had, you know, we're company men.

It was a bit of a work, company function. We're out there, you know, trying to- Dressing the flesh. Two things. Drinking the Kool-Aid. Good things for the company. And there was a bit of a lunch, a bit of some food that we'll, after meeting some people, we're making our way towards the food area

to grab something. And I was following you. And at this stage I was like, oh, hey, we are three or four metres away from the food area. From the buffet. From the buffet. We've shaken hands. We've talked to people.

We've done weird elbow bumps as well. We've done all those things. But now we're a couple of metres away from the food. I'm safe now to put my hand in my pocket, bring out my hand sanitiser and put that on my hands. One of his favourite hobbies. Leather up, because I'm going straight for food. I'm metres away from food.

He pours hand sanitiser on his hands like balsamic vinegar to a salad. He is just dripping. So I did this thinking we're comfortable. This is food time. We've done the handshakes. And just as I was following you, you made a sort of like a little left foot step, like sort of Bowdoin Barrett in an all black game.

And you went to two other people off to the side. Did it be Lloyd? Yep. Another couple of ladies in some quite flash business type suits. And you're off to the end. I was like, oh, here we go. He's going to introduce. And I can't just go straight for the food now.

I've got to follow you across there. I'm like Biden on the campaign trail. She's like, g'day, how you doing? John, how you doing? She shook both their hands and I went in to shake both their hands and my hands were just covered in hands. Sopping wet.

Slimy hands, you know? And in that situation, you could see the lady, the first day I shook her hands, she just looked at her hand afterwards and sort of just wiped it on her top. I don't know what to say. And you didn't know them well enough to go, oh, that's hand sanitiser.

So you just left her thinking, wow, that guy has got very sloppy, slimy hands. I mean, what do you do? It happens sometimes when you come out of a bathroom as well where you've just washed your hands but you may not have dried them properly. I always like to go, oh, don't worry, that's just pee. That's what everyone's thinking. You just come straight out. It's not what you're thinking.

This is actually your ride. I did that, yeah. Thanks. Starting your day without your morning coffee. It's Jono and Ben on my hits. You might have seen these books floating around the country. I don't know how to say it because obviously there's a word that we probably can't say too often on the radio.

Do you want to, well, the S-Towns of New Zealand. We can replace it with the William Shatner Towns of New Zealand. Yeah, okay, so the Shatner Towns of New Zealand. A couple of books out there and now they've got the William Shatner Moments in New Zealand Sport, a brand new book, and we're joined in the studio by one of the authors, Jeff Rissell. How's it going?

Oh, thanks for having me on. Now, what we're doing here is very confusing for the book-buying audience. Is they going to go into Paper Plus and go, have you got the William Shatner, Moments in New Zealand Sport? But wonderful series of books that you've released. Do you get any backlash from the towns? We've had a fair bit. We've had a few mayors issuing death threats.

Oh, jeez. The mayors do? Jeez, they love their towns then. They very much do, yeah. Some of them lost their elections afterwards, though, so maybe towns don't love them so much. There was a Mexican restaurant owner in Cromwell I think still wants to fight me in the main street.

Not even a side street. It has to be the main street. Like a Western movie, I think. He's got a Mexican restaurant. I like an honest book like this because we spend so much time on the international stage going, oh, look at New Zealand, most beautiful country in the world. We're clean, green. Celebrities say something nice about us.

But we've got some shocking towns. We've got some shocking parts of this country. Oh, careful. Now, let's talk about, sorry, we've spent a long time talking about the towns in New Zealand. But you've got a book all about the worst moments in New Zealand sport. Yeah, that's right. It sort of started after the World Cup.

I needed a bit of therapy, so I tried to write my way out of it. And that's really where the idea for the book's come up. So obviously the cricket World Cup. The cricket World Cup, yeah. I know. Yeah. He's a big cricketing guy. I know.

It's so close-knit. You're depressing me, the both of you. Sitting is like a funeral. So what sort of moments are we talking about in the book? What sort of things are you looking at? Great choke jobs, disappointing upsets, moments where people have had victory taken away from them at the last moment, cheating, all those things that are really disappointing if you're a sports fan.

Now, this is a great book, I think, to get siblings, parents, for Christmas, dads. We know they like sports. We know they like reading books on the toilets fantastic you've got your target market sorted the toilet sitting father

now we've got we game we wanted to play with you some moments from the book we've got some famous sporting moments we're going to stop it at a point you've got to tell us

what that moment is what happens next alright New Zealand's only hope now is a six off the last ball for a tie pretty easy this one

pretty easy what happens there? That's the underarm delivery. Of course, the underarm is featuring on the front cover of your book. It's an iconic shit moment in New Zealand sport. Let's make sure it isn't underarm, but I've got the feeling we're going to got an underarm. That's a disappointing

finish. Even the Aussies in the crowd would be. It's a great moment because it shows Aussies true nature. They love winning, in the crowd were booing. It's a great moment because it shows Aussies' true nature. They love winning, but they love cheating even more. I just love the fact that beige uniforms, I mean, it felt like they're really, I don't know how we ended up as a country in New Zealand where our flag or

usually our national colours, none of these have brown colours in there at all, but we ended up playing cricket in brown for a while. I think they were like, oh, it's a bit hot to play cricket in black so let's just pick another dynamic colour like beige we've got a beige nation haven't we

alright in the next sporting moment I want to give you the opportunity to say whether or not you regret that occasion I know things can happen in the heat of the moment

oh the late great Sir Paul Holmes yeah it's a great moment in New Zealand TV history it's Dennis Connor chucking a bit of a tanty on the first episode of the home show

the first episode was it the first episode it was the show. The first episode of the... Was it the first episode? Yeah, it was. The Paul Holmes show. He got Dennis Conner from the America's Cup. He walked out.

I would like to wish you luck in the future and sure look forward to being down here with the New Zealand people and their upcoming fabulous event. Thank you very much

for having me. Hasn't he got an adorable little voice? It's a cute voice. He walked out, but lovely wrap up though. Like if you just heard the audio, you'd be like,

oh, what a great end to an interview. He actually just got up and walked out lovely wrap up though like if you just heard the audio you'd be like oh what a great end to an interview but he just he actually just got up and walked out so it wasn't the storm off but great great ep one of Holmes

there to get a walk out you can only dream of that and finally he can do a walk out on us too so we can just go thank you for that was a great interview

and then just walk out and finally our next moment in New Zealand sport the World Cup is officially back home. Well, this is a bit...

What happens here? Oh, um... May have involved a leader of a country. Oh, the John Key three-way. Yes. The three-way handshake. And John Key went on television and explained what went on blow by blow.

I just want to say, for the record, go and have a look at the YouTube slow-motion video of it. Bernard Leppard say he comes over the top. I'm looking into Richie's eyes. He's just won the World Cup. That hand comes like, honestly, it's not for me. He's saying the World Cup official came in over the top. He joined in on John's handshake.

He's joined the ruck from side position. Exactly, he is. It seems like an awesome book. A really great idea. It's just in time for Christmas, which I'm sure you planned quite nicely. Yeah, it should work out well. SHIT Moments in New Zealand Sport.

Rick Furphy and Geoff Rissell, it's out right now. It looks very good. Nice to catch up with you. Keep up the good work. Start your day the wrong way. It's Jono and Ben on my heads. Spy. No WhatsApp.

Spy.co.nz. All right, her mother wanted her to work on Mike Hosking's show on Newstalk ZB, but she's ended up here with us reading stories about reality TV stars, affairs and infections. True story, that one. It is a true story. Yeah, Juliet, you could be at a better place in your parents' eyes, but you're here with us. I tell Mum and Dad, sorry, mates, not living up to your expectations. Sorry, mates.

So, Beyonce's eight-year-old daughter, she has had a very good life so far. She's made the Billboard Top 100. She's placed bids on expensive pieces of art by the time she was six years old. She's won awards. She arrived out of Beyonce. Yeah, I mean, that's an achievement in itself. And now she's a narrator of books. So she has narrated a children's book called Hair Love, which is a story

about a dad trying to learn how to style his daughter's hair. And listening to it, she sounds very professional. And when my hair is in two puffs, I'm above the clouds like a superhero. Isn't that cute? Oh, isn't that adorable? Every time I

see Blue Ivy, photos of Blue Ivy with her parents, she looks like she's just hating spending time with them, which makes me feel good as a parent that, you know, Jay-Z and Beyonce, you couldn't get any cooler parents. Yeah. And even she's like,

oh, mum and dad. Yeah. Why would you take me to the Lady Gaga concert in the front row? What a hard life. Yeah, I can't do my daughter's hair. I'm not good at doing ponytails or the hair tie. A ponytail, that's about it.

You know, the plaits and all that. That's a whole step too far for me. I feel like French braids and plaits is kind of just like a default on the mum, isn't it? There was that trick on YouTube a while ago where the dad had the end of the vacuum cleaner. Oh, you can suck it through the pipe and put the hair tie on the stick. Oh my gosh, that's genius. And then straight on there and you're like, done. Have you guys tried that on your daughters?

I tried it once this year. Did that work? It was a little bit loose. Her hair was then full of dust and termites. Yeah, but it was fun. And Johnny Depp, so he, if you missed it, he had to resign from his role in the Harry Potter

spin-off Fantastic Beasts because he lost his court case. And it has just come out that he is going to receive his full salary, which is $10 million, even though the only work he did on that film was one day of filming. One day. No wonder he agreed to go happily. I know. Like, that's insane, isn't it?

Hopefully, well, they might be able to use that footage somehow. What happened to that guy? Oh, I. I know. Like, that's insane, isn't it? Hopefully, well, they might be able to use that footage somehow. They'll be like, what happened to that guy? Oh, I didn't know. He's still waiting for, I know he's not coming back. Yeah, no, he's not coming anyway.

I think he's off dealing with a court case or something, but on with the movie. Yeah, so it's incredible. And then they'll probably have to, you know, So they'll recast him, right?

Yeah, they'll recast him and probably have to give a similar amount to the new actor. Yeah, they'll be like, hey, I know he was getting paid $10 million. You're like, oh, yeah, true. From a movie company's point of view,

maybe the damage to the brand would have exceeded. You know, they probably would lose three times that in ticket sales, maybe. Seems like an enormous amount of money to make back, doesn't it? But anyway, that's Hollywood movies. That's Hollywood, baby. That's Hollywood. Look, I know what Hollywood is. That's just Hollywood. That's showbiz. Thanks, baby. It's Hollywood. Look, I know what Hollywood is. That's just Hollywood.

That's showbiz. Thanks, Ben. Just looking for a way to wrap this up. That's Hollywood, guys. Hold on, Ben said that's Hollywood. Time for us to end. All right, and that's five more. You can go to theheadstock.co.nz.

That's Hollywood, baby. That's how it ends. Want more Jono and Ben? You can catch up with the boys anytime. Just search Jono and Ben on Facebook. Now, we started this morning Jono was talking about something you bought The latest impulse buy and I went to Bunnings on the weekend

and I saw this sausage dog door stop you know if you go to a birthday party and there's one of those strange clowns there making things with balloons and they do a sausage dog. It's that shape but a little bit bigger and it's full of beans and beets and you put it under the door to stop the draft. Oh, the draft.

Or for a seven if you want the sausage dog. Okay, I'll give it to you. Just a long list of impulse buying purchases I've made along with a Kim Jong-un flag and a bucket hat and many other things. And it got voted out of the house, this ugly dog. I mean, it was useful but ugly at the same time, granted. And someone's phoned through. Jess, you want the sausage dog? Yeah, yeah.

I think I owe my friend a bit of an apology. What happened? So she actually bought a real sausage dog and I think we didn't quite agree with her decision there. Oh, you dog-shamed her, did you? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Dog-shaming.

Now you feel bad and you want to give her an apology, dog? Yeah, yeah, I think she deserves it. Okay. Thank you. Well, at least it's going to a good home. Thank you, Jess. We'll give that to you. You're going to have a good day, okay?

Thanks so much, guys. All right. Rebecca, why is it going to be a good day for you in Te Awamudu? It's my birthday, yay! Happy birthday. What's your plans? I'm going out for brunch. I'm going out for lunch.

I'm having dinner with the kids. If you could invent a new time of day to eat and have a meal around that, you would do that today as well. Oh, yeah, probably. I usually do night shifts, so it's weird that I've actually got a day during the day. Well, you enjoy your time,

and as Carol Baskin would say... It's your birthday. We're going to party like it's your birthday. We're going to sit the party like it's your birthday. And you know we don't give a fudge that it's your birthday. There we go. They could have done a take two on that, but they decided not to. A little more enthusiasm. Yeah, thanks for that, guys. No worries. Have a great dayudge the next year birthday. There we go. They could have done a take two on that but they decided not to.

A little more enthusiasm but anyway. Yeah, thanks for that guys. No worries. Have a great day. Have a great birthday. We're off today driving up north.

Kere Kere. We can't wait to that. The Coke Good Buggers trip. We'll bring you the highlights of that tomorrow from six. Have a great day. Want more Jono and Ben? You can wake up

with the boys weekdays from six on The Hits and via the iHeartRadio app. Jono and Ben on The Hits Breakfast. Friends of Skinny.