Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - Show Highlights: Ben's Lawn Mowing Dilemma...

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Ben's lawn mowing dilemma Ghost stories The lie Jono and Ben told about someone making love to a ghost... See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Hits, with the Jono and Ben podcast. Cheers to Dilma, making the world a better tea. How's your day, Ben? I know you're getting frothed up for Halloween. I'm excited. The weather's looking a bit crappy for Halloween tonight, isn't it? Just about to say, rain, hail or shine. It's Ken and Buck, as you are going, it's Ken and Barbie.

Rollerblading too, which, you know, underfoot if it's slippery. Dicey conditions. You still committing? Still committing to going out, but yeah, it's got to be cold. Why don't you go dressed as a comfortable person in a raincoat with an umbrella? Yeah, but that's boring. But also dry. Yeah, I know.

I can still have an umbrella, but yes, it'll be interesting to see how the Halloween is for kids around the country if it is wet. Jesus, reading a lot of the news yesterday, and poor Wayne Barnes, the referee from the Rugby World Cup, I know we don't want to keep banging on about it, what's happened's happened, just he's been getting death threats. I mean, that's horrible, eh? I thought it was quite a reasonable, level-headed response, to be fair.

His wife's been talking about it as well, saying how she couldn't wait to get out of the stadium. She's been given threats as well. I mean, it's horrible. He is just, at the end of the day, doing job and he you know as a referee you're gonna make some mistakes you're gonna make some good decisions that you know and it's yeah it's it's sad when new zealand kind of turns we get like the pitchforks and we kind of you know because he doesn't deserve that and then we're not going to have any refs no one will want to be a referee

in any any sport no it seems like one of those jobs where you're like why are you doing this to yourself like a parking warden. You know you're in for some angst somewhere along the line. And it's important to remember too, not but two years ago, we weren't even allowed to leave our house. The government was telling us to, you know, when we can.

Bit of perspective, eh? Who could use the toilet in your house when they came out. We were knocking on our neighbours for having three people, you know? And I've just had a call, actually Ben, I've just had a call from,

oh, it's the people on the Gaza Strip saying hey guys feel your pain man sorry you had a bad rugby game we had you know we had I was thinking about yesterday as well because you kind of reflect on it

and we had a lot of chances we turned down shots at goal to go for tries which was awesome and the game we were like yeah we're going to go for a try but we had other shots at goal we missed shots at goal

you know it feels like the All Blacks have said, hey, we had chances to win this. There were some decisions we'd like to change, but that's kind of sport. Who tracked down Wayne Barnes' wife? Taking the old cyberstalk into her necks. Who knew that she was his wife?

That's really sad. It is sad. It's horrible when people do that as well. It's only a game, guys. So yesterday I thought it was an interesting stat. South Africa won by one point in the quarters, the semi, and the final.

Yeah. Their fans will be like, oh jeez, this is a rollercoaster, isn't it? Getting all the way through. And now Ian Foster's like looking for a job.

Producer Joel, you had quite a good little hashtag you wanted to start up. Fozzy to Aussie. Fozzy for Aussie. That's a great hashtag, man. Yeah.

Have you started it? It definitely wasn't me as well. I heard it somewhere else. I'm back in Fozzie to Ozzie. Fozzie for Ozzie. That's a great hashtag, man. Yeah. Have you started it? It definitely wasn't me as well. I heard it somewhere else. But I'm backing Fozzie to Ozzie. Yeah. Why wouldn't he? Yeah. Well, jeez.

They need a coach. Eddie Jones resigned? Yeah. Yeah. They need a coach. Yeah, exactly. They'll definitely take him. Everyone just, you know, take a breath.

Take a breath. It's sad. You know, we wanted to win that World Cup. But, hey, it happened. And if you can't take a breath, just bully Wayne Barnes online, okay? Don't do that, dude. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. You know me, Jono.

I don't enjoy mowing. For some reason, I don't like mowing the lawn. No, you don't. You've plastered your entire property with artificial grass. I have, out the back. I put some- Tennis court. Yeah, artificial grass.

It's not much of a grass area, but I've just put some artificial grass down. And there's not much at the front that I now need to mow, but every sort of three weeks I'm like, I better mow this little area and the berm. You know, the front bit of the berm just out by the footpath. Why don't you just roll some AstroTurf over the top of the berm? I have thought about it. Yeah, the council, I think, technically own that,

but they don't cut it anymore, right? So it's up to you. So if it's your responsibility, you just go, hey, I'm going to turn it into a tiny little strip of tennis court here. I've thought about that. Could be like a little cricket wicket. Yeah. So there's, outside the front of my property,

you've got the driveway, and then you've got the berm on one side, which pretty much covers, that's in front of the house. So I know that's my berm. But then on the one, to the edge of the other driveway, there's just a little bit, like half a metre, if that, of that store on my property, if you're looking directly at the house. And then there's like 10 metres of like the neighbours.

So I'm in a situation now where I don't enjoy mowing the lawns. And I'm like, well, what do I, like when I mow the burn, but then I mow this little half you do that little passive-aggressive strip yeah I did that the other day my wife said oh that's petty it is when you drive past those in the street you're like oh really that's that's the neighborly relationship going on there is it I look at this and I'm like well that's only just a little bit look at all this other bit and so just give and take you do it one time but they only have to do a little bit of mine it It's not like it's fair, you know?

So what do you do? Well, normally I've been, last time I did it I was stripped. So this time I'm like, no, I'm going to mow the whole thing. So I'm going to go out and mow the extra 10 bloody metres up and down, up and down of the neighbour's burr. I feel like 10 metres is an awfully long way. Felt like 10 metres. I'm huffing and puffing in there.

And then halfway through there, because I could sort of see him looking out, and I'm like, is this almost like a, maybe it's me sort of going, hey, you're flexing and going, look, you need to mow your lawn. You know, is that one of those? Like, you came up. Because the guy came out, he goes, oh, I'm so sorry.

We're going to get to mowing the lawns. You know, like, I'm like, oh, no, I was just trying to. And I'm like, thanks. You're like, there goes the neighbor. Went back to my wife was oh thanks a lot i was once i was looking petty and now i'm looking even more petty because i'm looking like i'm mowing their lawn and frustration i've had enough of them not and it wasn't even that long it was only because i was mowing it and i'm like what are you doing that's so what because i know generally in those when you are confronted with those sorts of conversations,

you end up just talking, just saying stuff. Yeah. What did you say to the neighbour? Yeah, a whole lot of just, no, no, no, I wasn't trying to say that. It was just because I used to mow the little bit and I wanted to mow, you know, just rambled a whole lot of stuff quite quickly, nonsensical stuff to the neighbour. And they went, okay, I guess.

Sort of just went back inside. So, yeah, I don't know. They need a rule. They need a ruling for the, you know. So everyone knows. Well, my dad's just, he's ended up doing the whole streak. Oh, that's great. That kind of solves all problems.

He just does it out of boredom in retirement, I think. Maybe that's what you need to do. That's the only way you can get past this. And they'll be like, geez, that guy at 22 is really finicky about his burns. He's smoking everyone's burn, that's for sure. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. Yesterday, productivity across the country, probably one of the least productive days

that this country's probably seen in a while. Yeah, you're right. You can imagine. A lot of people sad, a lot of people feeling the effects of Sunday came through. I was pitching that maybe we go to Chris Luxon, first big one, first big move he makes, National Sick Day. National Sickie Day.

He could have made, if we had won at that point in time, we could have gone, hey, if you want to pull a sickie tomorrow, it's all G with me. I don't know if that's quite what the National Party are all about though, eh? But then he was gloating that the All Blacks are back on track, his National was in power,, I don't know. But then he was, you know, gloating that the All Blacks

were back on track, you know, his national was in power. So they didn't quite get across the line. But work also, I know a lot of people's theory as well, if I'm feeling tired and whatever, I'll just go to work anyway because I can be paid to be useless

as opposed to just sitting on the couch at home. Now, Producer Joel, you, I'm not, I'm not. I wonder if it sounds like you are. You work by this theory Monday to Friday. I'm not tying and being useless at Producer Joel. It seems like you are.

You spend some time sleeping at work. You're not used to that. Yeah. But on the weekend. But you actually were at work and then you had a break in between. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We watched the cricket. They went to about 3am on Sunday morning and then had a bit of a nap and then got on, yeah, and watched the All Blacks. So this was the alternate commentary collective, you know,

the ACC that do alternate commentary. They were doing sort of a watch along. It always feels dangerous sleeping at work, doesn't it? Yeah. Like a place I used to, because I used to work overnight too when I first started, sleep everywhere. I'd sleep inside. They used to have overnight too when I first started, sleep everywhere. I'd sleep inside. They used to have giant mail sacks.

Oh, yeah. And remember when mail was a thing? Yeah, yeah. And I could tuck into those and they formed a nice soft cushioning. So I'd sleep inside the giant mail sacks. I don't know if they were made of fiberglass or asbestos or something because I'd come out with a full body rash from the mail mail sacks have you slept on the job no i don't really i'm not a napper uh so you know if i even struggled with sleep at home uh you know or anywhere so not like not really not really my thing sleeping you know so if i could avoid sleeping i would you know what

my body pretty much does anyway but if i did then i'd be happy to yeah you'd so if i could avoid sleeping i would you know what my body pretty much does anyway but if i did then i'd be happy to yeah you'd so you'd happily just go 24 hours a day just doing stuff just like just yeah but i'd like to you know i get the fact that you know makes you feel you know you re-energize and stuff like that you need it's a necessity yeah exactly but if you didn't have to do it then i wouldn't want to what's this okay what stuff you're doing over that sort of five to seven hour period? It's always stuff, you know. I've got a garage full of costumes I need to organise.

I've got a cow, a fibreglass cow that I keep going, oh, I'm going to fix that up. You know, things like that. It's not an answer that's important, but that would be, you know, if I... What's he doing? It's two in the morning. He's painting his fibreglass cow. He's alphabeticising all his costumes in the garage.

Yeah, I've been doing all that sort of stuff. Fraser, how are you? How are you this morning, mate? All right? Good. Lovely to have you on. What happened? Yeah, work break up.

Had a big night. And had to go in on the Saturday to serve his bus. So you've got to climb into the luggage compartment to get at the engine. And while I was in there, I decided it was nice and dark, so I just closed the luggage compartment door and went to sleep for half an hour. Yeah, right, so it's in the guts of the bus. Yeah, pretty much. It kind of works, though, doesn't it?

I could see in that state, you'd be like, oh, this is dark, it's cozy, it's comfy. Engine was warm. Yeah, it sounds greasy, diesel-y, and filthy to me, inside by the engine. Ideal situation. Yeah, great sleeping conditions. There you go, in the luggage compartment of a tour bus. Good on you, Fraser. Have a good day, mate.

You too, bud. All right, have you fallen asleep at work? Sleeping on the job, literally. The Hits, the a good day, mate. You too, bud. All right, have you fallen asleep at work? Sleeping on the job, literally. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. I, Jen, my wife and myself, during the lockdown period, got big fans of isopropyl alcohol. Got really into it. You could buy big bottles of isopropyl alcohol.

What do you use it for? Basically just disinfecting stuff. You can use it to clean screens, like computer laptop screens, phone screens. Just basically 99.99% alcohol. Right. Very powerful, potent stuff. And so sometimes I just wipe. You look at your laptop screen sometimes and you're like,

dear God, what's happened to that? How has that ended up? What have I done to this thing? And once every three or four weeks to just wipe it with this stuff but i put it on in a bowl you just have to squirt it in a bowl and it's just a tiny little white bowl and i'm running invisalign at the moment which is kind of a mouth guard bullying your teeth to straighten up so i look like uh there's someone who's on their way to rugby training with a mouth guard or I just finished a rugby game. And so when I'm eating or whatever, I'll just put these Invisalign in a white bowl.

And I forgot this morning that I had left about half the bowl full of isopropyl alcohol. And I put these things in there last night, went off to the shower. So they had just been marinating in 99% alcohol for probably 40 minutes, 45 minutes. Gotcha. Then I put them in my mouth without even thinking and start going, gagging. So I don't know a lot about isopropyl alcohol. So I imagine that's not something you can drink.

It's one of those things That's like If ingested Call the poison centre Right So I'm like So this morning I'm like phoning this

24 hour 0800 poison number I'm like That is a problem Alcohol And lovely I mean she was lovely And she probably deals

With very panicked people I imagine all the time Go I've just drunk And bleed And I've just swallowed A bottle of palm olive Or something And then The first advice That you never want to hear to people I imagine all the time go I've just drunk and bleed Julian I've just swallowed a bottle of palm olive or something and then the first

advice that you never want to hear okay sir be calm I don't want to be calm I've just poisoned myself with isopropyl alcohol and she's like have you done this on purpose oh really that's a ask that well yeah and I'm like no I get that there might be instances

where people have But you're having to go through These protocol questions And she's like Is there anything you need right now I was like yes Just tell me what I need to do Do I get the isopropyl alcohol out

Anyway As it turns out Have a drink of water Get on with the day Oh is that it That was it Well probably monetary situation Or anything like that

Yeah so I feel very intoxicated it's funny when those things happen it's good I mean a good result but my mate had a like he had this massive sort of a panic attack couldn't breathe at

this we're at this concert thing we're at and he was like oh my god I think there was an ambulance rushed over like that they gave him a paper bag to breathe in and out

of and it works like it works but he was like the ambulance checked out there here mate take this I'm watching works but he was like the ambo checked out there here mate take this i'm watching this we're gonna rush through we're gonna get him in a middlemore hospital and it was like no just paper bag it just calmed it down worked perfectly it was like same situation it was just like oh yeah i'm good now thanks a lot sorry i made such a hassle yeah you can have a lovely day yeah the hits the Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. Now, Kim Kardashian over the weekend launched a brand new fashion accessory, a new bra with producer Taylor.

It's got what? Built-in nipples. Yes. Yes, correct. And so this is her effort to kind of do her part in fighting global warming, believe it or not. Well, yeah. I think some of the profits go, well, some of the profits go to her of the profits go, well some of the profits go to her.

A lot of the profits go to her. The company's worth $4 billion. Saving the planet as well too, as well some of the profits go back to her. But it's a bra with built-in nipples and here was Kim Kardashian in an ad that was very funny. I'm introducing a brand new bra with a built-in nipple. So no matter how hot it is, you'll always look cold. There you go.

Don't you want to appear like just sort of nicely room-temperatured? I would imagine. Yeah, I would also imagine. But a lot of women are saying this is going to save them money on getting a boob job as well, right? Because instead of getting a boob job,

you can just put this bra on and your boobs look... Oh, because they're raised with the positioning of them, I see. and it looks like you're not wearing a bra. It creates that whole illusion. $62. How much?

$62. Which I guess, you can pay a lot for bras, right? Yeah, oh god, yeah, like,

that's pretty, that's pretty decent, to be fair, yeah. There's never been enough nipples on clothing, has there? We had an idea, well,

it wasn't our idea, actually, our friend Nick, we almost went into business with him uh he had a controversial fashion addition to just your humble t-shirt right he wanted to create the tummy window uh unisex piece of fashionable clothing a tummy window so it's essentially just a clear window on a normal t-shirt which just gave you if you wanted to have a little tummy show kisses if that was your thing

right they do say the tummy is the window to the soul and we had a tummy to the window of the soul so it was a silly idea so we did but Kim Kardashian

is probably going to make it's legit right yep it's a legit product that you'll be able to purchase yep and now she's signed a deal with the NBA as well.

Skims? Yeah, a company that's official nipple wear of the NBA. So yeah, LeBron James will be running on the court with – Looking cold. It's been cold in here. No, I think it's more the underwear actually. No, I can't say it. So yeah.

Because she's just come out with a male line for Skims underwear. Wow. And she's got the brand ambassadors. Do you guys know the soccer player Neymar? Yeah. He's like the face of it now. Well, not personally, but I know the name. He's like the face of it.

It's pretty great. She is. I know, again, the people love to throw shade at the Kardashians, but she's really good at her business stuff. She's very smart. Yeah, very smart. Yeah. You can say what you want about them.

They're a lot richer than you and I will ever be. And they don't care, Yeah, you can say what you want about them. They're a lot richer than you and I will ever be. And they don't care, probably. We can say what we want about them. They've reached a stage in life where, well, hey, they can chuck nibbles on clothes. They can take a risk. We can't. No, we're all right.

We just tried to invent a tissue over the window. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. I find they're very obsessed hitting those candy goals on Halloween evening. Oh, just get candy, candy, candy. And they sort of come home with an abundance of stuff that sort of slowly, they stop eating over a period of time. And it just sits and gets stickier over a six-month period.

And you're like, do I chuck this out yet? Where are we at? Because they don't want to put it out in the lounge because that's their cat, their candy, their lollies and stuff. We got ants last time in one of the kids' rooms because it's stashed away. Ant infestation. I think we need to start to pull pin on this old Halloween candy. Yeah, but they love it and they're looking forward to it tonight,

if it's not too wet. Now we want to get, hey, we know this is a well-trodden road. Radio that's gone before us has mined this well many a times. But ghost stories. We like to do a thing once a year where we scare Ben. You're not much of a ghosty person, are you? No. Very jumpy.

And 0800 the hits. If you can give us a call, we've actually got to come clean on our own ghost story. A bit of a confession of sorts, actually. It was probably about three or four years ago, was it? Yeah. We were on another radio station, on The Edge actually at the time. And it was around this period. And there was an international story about a lady who was in a long-term relationship with a ghost.

Yeah. All facets of the relationship were being covered off. I know. This was huge international news. And so we went. Before the show, we had a meeting. We were like, well, we should say, let's put it out there. See if anyone would call up and if this is happening happening to them are they in a relationship with a ghost in

new zealand and our boss at the time was like that's stupid stupid stupid i just said what don't even go ahead and so it kind of became a bit of a uh battle of determination from from our point of view we put it out we took it to air we took it to air okay have we got any people currently sleeping with ghosts? We're like, our boss doesn't think anyone's going to call up. Someone called up. We're like, oh my goodness. And it was an amazing story.

Her partner sadly had passed away and they had been in a relationship since together, doing all sorts of stuff. All sorts of stuff. She gave a very detailed description of their erotic liaisons. And it was almost like listening to a Fifty Shades of Grey book about how the ghost would sort of turn up in the middle of the night. We're like, wow, this is an incredible story. And on the radio, and then it got picked up by New Zealand News,

got picked up by international media. We're like, look at this, boss. The New Zealand lady making love nightly to the ghost for hours on end. We're like, to the boss, look at this, away it goes. We were like gloating and then our producer at the time, Dan, he came up and said, hey guys, you probably should pull back just a little bit on the gloating.

And he sat us in the studio next door and I thought, it was very serious, I was like, has he been dumped? Has he been made redundant? What's going on? He's like, you know that ghost story? We're like, yeah, the one that went international. The biggest thing we've ever done. He's like, I teed up that caller.

I made it up just because I didn't want to let you guys down and have no one call. We're like, what? We didn't even know there was an option to make these things up. So, you know, why would you do that to us? Yeah. So that was the story there. We haven't spoken about it to this day.

Got to come clean feel better now I know I don't think we ever told our boss too to this day he thinks that

we yeah it was a great bit of radio and it was it was and then we're like

should we enter it in the radio awards and we're like we can't I did a seance when I was younger too and you never would believe me

we got Luigi brought out and we were talking to a lovely ghost she was adorable was this in your house or someone else's house? someone else's house my friend Christopher Lane yeah

and we all sat around and I said what am I having for dinner tonight? big questions out of all the questions you could ask a ghost you know

what's it like on the afterlife you know do you yeah how did the ghost know? it'd been it like on the afterlife, you know, do you, yeah. How did the ghost know? Well that was the thing,

and then I was thinking about it afterwards, well the ghost isn't a psychic, the ghost is just a ghost. Unless it had

been like haunting your mum while she was preparing something in the kitchen. Anyway, the ghost spelt out Annie Primer

Mother's signature dish, coq au vin. And what was that French dish? I feel like those teenage boys just trying to spell

something else on a Ouija board. I went home and I had a beautiful plate of coq au vin and it was that teenage boys just trying to smell something else on a ouija board it was a weird moment i had a beautiful plate of coq au vin chicken dish and uh that that psychic ghost really uh i don't believe it but anyway karen uh you're on from wellington welcome good morning uh all right scare us what have you got well the last um building i was working in wellington a few years back now was somewhat haunted. We used to see orbs in the security cameras floating through most of the rooms. And there was this one evening that one of our receptionists was out in our designated smoking area and it was quite dark

out there and there was a tall, dark, shadowy figure standing across the table from her. So we gave her a call and asked her you know who's who's in there with you who's that and she's like nobody I'm here alone so we took a still image of it I've still got it to this day and it was a few weeks later after that I was at the same table walked out to have a cigarette and cold during winter I had this huge fluffy black-ass jacket on and clear as day somebody sidled up behind me and put their arm right around my waist, nice and tight, not around the jacket,

inside, just around my waist and scared the shivers out of me. You're half edited yourself there. Yeah, didn't need any nicotine after that. Straight back inside, yeah, back to the office. Jeez, that's an HR handsy ghost. Handsy ghost. Definitely, it's very handsy.

Very, very, very close, very intimate. And, yeah. That ghost touched me that day. Can you send us the photo you've got? I could send you the picture, yeah. You put it up on the hits breakfast. Yeah, that's a great idea. Hey, thank you very much, Karen.

Really appreciate it. Happy Halloween. You too, mate. James, up on the Hits Breakfast. Yeah, it's a great idea. Hey, thank you very much, Karen. Really appreciate it. Happy Halloween. You too, mate. James, good morning. How are you? How are you? We're doing really well.

You've had a run-in. You've had a ghostly run-in. Yeah, yeah. I mean, cynical people could say you can explain all these things away,

but I'm always open to the thought that it could be something different. Yeah, well, listen, not this morning. We're not explaining anything away. We need radio content.

We're taking it all on. Okay, okay, all right. Good on you. Good on you. So where did this happen? This happened at a hotel, we understand? I can't quite recall the name of it. It was just a normal sort of hotel. It might have been, God knows, mid-2006.

Me and my partner at the time were just staying there one night I think it might have been a circus show not that that's relevant and I remember waking up one night during the night rather and just sort of felt a little bit of a weight on the side of the bed Now without going into specifics

we used to have separate beds but that's another story I love it, you're giving us a good background beds, but that's another story. I love it. You're giving us a good background on everything. That's good. I was sort of lying there. It was sort of the middle of the night. I remember feeling like a weight on my feet, if you like.

But then didn't really think anything of it. And then in the morning, she said to me, why did I tickle her back? I said, well, I did. And I spent the whole night. She said, no, I woke up to tickling on my back. I said, oh, okay.

Then I relayed my story to her and yeah, then there we go. So, potentially a bit of a ghostly encounter, but. So, you felt someone sitting on your feet

and she felt someone tickling her back? Pretty much, yeah. I mean, it could be a sicko, I guess, but I'm going with a spiritual encounter because that sounds better.

I'm going hotel pervert. Well, potentially. No, but we're not explaining anything away this morning. It's a numbers game with ghosts, isn't it? They're probably just a reflection of society as well. For the most part, you've got good people. For the most part, there's a couple of bad eggs that come out and fire up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, yeah. But again, it's like, you know, you can explain for anyone instance away. It appears to be a lot sort of happens around me over the years, that's all. Yeah, well, hey, James, it's been a pleasure talking to you. And make

sure you don't ghost us. Keep in touch. Oh, well, alright. Hey, thanks very much, mate.