Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - Show Highlights: The Unprofessional Confessional Hotline!

Episode Date: May 14, 2023

Jono has to admit that he lied.. We had an awkward run in at a fancy hotel bathroom! Megan Papas grew up in a nude camp and shares the stories! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Hits, with the Jono and Ben podcast. Thanks to Challenge, putting the service back into service stations. Yeah, the Comedy Festa was on thanks to Best Food Mayo at the moment. So go along and see your favourite comedians. And one of our favourite comedians joining us in the studio right now is just walking in the door. Ben Hurley, good morning. Great to have you here. Oh, I turned the mic on. There we go.

That's nice to turn your own mics on. That's all right. You haven't been doing radio for very long, Jono. I'm sure you don't do that. Only your entire life. I'm sure that doesn't happen in stand-up comedy. You go out there and you're like, oh, I didn't turn my mic on. Does that ever happen? Actually, it does.

No, not turn your mic on, but it's the simplest art form on earth. It's literally a platform and a microphone and a light, and sometimes they stuff it up. We're trying to get kevin hart before his gig and we're wondering like do comedians do like a sound check during the day like do they turn up and then go oh yeah yep no it's working or does someone else do that for them that's a really good question because sometimes you do and they make you come in and do a sound check and you go yeah okay this is what i sound like like you don't have to balance me with the drums or the bass guitar

or anything and so one time i, and it was a big show. It was the Wellington Gala in Wellington, obviously, at the opera house. And we did the sound check and I was, you know, sort of passive aggressive about having to do it because I didn't want to. And then went, yeah, yeah, this is what I sound like. And then when I went out, the mic wasn't working. I was like, oh, I'm glad I came in at 1pm to do that. It's like a thousand people. I'm just going, ah, ah, ah, ah.

You know, the sound check paid off. Paid dividends, baby. Paid off. Hey, we're doing a thing with all the comedians part of the International Comedy Festival. It's the Toaster Talk. We've got a toaster that I was trying to palm off to our producer, Joel.

Even he didn't want it, actually. Pop the toaster down. There we go, and we'll kick into it. All right, describe your comedy act, Ben Hurley, if people want to see you this year. Oh, well, I'm a juggler. And his mic's sometimes off. And my mic's sometimes off. And I guess traditional stand-up comedy. It's just autobiographical.

It's mostly just stories about how I have mucked up in aspects of my life a new order it's called your show this year yes i've got 12 yarns i've got 12 stories yeah and i get i let the audience pick which one goes next oh that's cool that's a cool idea so every show is different so what by so a number so people just go for number four i've got them all on a board they've all got names and i just go go, well, what do you want? And they'll go, oh, I'll have Christchurch number two. It's a little like bingo they call out to that. That's amazing. I guess so, yeah.

Do you? We'll see. I've done it before. Yeah, because I was going to say, sometimes as a comedian, you probably go, oh, I really want to put that story next. That's right. Well, I've taken that aspect out of it. The enjoyable part.

Yeah. And I'm leaving it up to the audience. Some would say I'm lazy Do you have like A best or a worst gig Off the top of your head Like one or the other That really springs to mind

I don't really I've never really Had a bad gig Ben Ever Ever No Never with the mic off

He was still killing it On stage Yeah I hear about other comedians Having bad gigs But not really Ever happened to me Oh let's go Wow At a line up show If you see someone on stage And you're like Oh they've had a tough night Yeah, I hear about other comedians having bad gigs, but not really ever happened to me. Oh, that's got to be wild.

At a line-up show, if you see someone on stage and you're like, oh, they've had a tough night, is there a consoling session for when they come off? Yeah, well, actually, my colleague in comedy and also in television, Rhys Mathewson, said, because he's a bit younger than me, and he was very young when he started out, and he said that he knew that he'd had a really bad gig if I said something nice to him. So if I said, oh yeah, no, no, you almost had them there.

He'd go, oh Jesus. Oh, that was a tank. I've really, really hit rock bottom here. You know, do you run jokes past your family if you're going to make jokes about your family and things like that? Do I ask their permission? Yeah. Yeah, I don't talk about my kids that much. But I definitely talk about my wife.

I've got two daughters, and they both play football, soccer football. And the other week, my eldest, my 12-year-old, scored the equalising goal in the last play of the game. Oh, wow. And she's midfield, so she doesn't score a lot of goals. That's awesome. But she scored, and the team all came in, jumped all over her,

and I started welling up. It was a real moment. I had to have a conversation with myself. Stop crying. Stop crying. Don't cry. You're reffing. I was reffing.

And that's not what she needed at that point. A sobbing referee. Come here, darling. Do you get vocal on the sidelines? It's hard to keep your temper intact, I thought. Only encouragement. There's the toaster. There we go, Ben Hurley.

I thought I was having a stroke. Always nice hanging out with you, buddy. Ironically, we've put no toaster. Always nice to see you. Go along and see Ben Hurley and all the other fabulous comedians as part of the New Zealand International Comedy Festival brought to you by Best Foods Mayor.

The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. We're joined in the studio by one of our dear Hits whanau, the wonderful Megan Pappas. Welcome. Thank you for having me. Now, we've had the joy of working with you for a number of months now, and you dropped a huge bombshell the other day, which we want to talk to you about. Now, this is where you grew up.

Yes. Well, this is where we holidayed when I was growing up. So often we have a caravan and we would go to a – I'm trying to think of what the right term is, but it's a nudist park. Right. A naturist park. Yes. That's right. I i mean i grew up there but yeah uh so we would as a family right from when i was maybe maybe like seven um would go

there and we would holiday naked i wouldn't be naked but my family would be and like all the adults were so this is something your parents have done for many years? My whole life. Wow. And continue to do so? Yeah. So when you go home now with Andrew, they're naked? They wouldn't be naked in front of Andrew but he's actually quite on board with it.

He's like, I want to go and try it out. But they don't answer the door naked. They don't inflict it upon people that aren't aware. Yeah, no, fair enough. Yeah. But I guess if you grow up with it, it's not unusual. It wasn't until later in life that I realized it was quite weird,

but when I started working radio, everyone's like, oh, okay. But it is interesting. New Zealand, I feel like, as a nation, compared to some overseas nation, we're a bit more prudish in some ways when it comes to that. Because you go to Europe, you go to Italian beaches, and there's people naked. compared to some overseas nation. We're a bit more prudish in some ways when it comes to that. Because you go to Europe, you go to Italian beaches, and there's people naked. They've got all their bits and pieces out over in Europe.

And everyone seems to be not battering a lot. It's like, where'd they go? But over here, for some reason, just the culture. Yeah, and then everyone's like, oh, here's a notice park. Like, really weird about it. But I still see my parents naked. And if I was showering, they could come in and out and we'd have chats, you know?

It's not, even to this day, like it's not unusual. What if my parents would brush their teeth in the bathroom and we'd be like, you know, having a chat about our day. Don't forget we've got the dinner with the Johnsons tonight. Yeah, that's totally normal to me, but I know why people think it's weird. No, well, yeah. The other question I had too is we see them on the news.

Once every six months there's a story about naturists on the news and they're always playing the most inconvenient sports for being naked. Volleyball, tennis, a lot of running around sports. Does that happen as well? Yeah, to this day, and I don't know if it's like a good thing or a bad thing, but I can still picture, when I was at the nudist park, I can still picture people on trampolines playing tennis. It's like burned into my memory.

Adults on trampolines? Oh, yeah. So they're bouncing. It seems like they're just doing it so their bits can bounce around. Exactly. Or maybe they're onto something. Now I'm grown up and bits are bigger, I'm like, I don't know if that's actually comfortable.

Like, I don't know if it would be something I would do. All right, everyone, let's do 20 star jumps. And you're like, guys, you can just still wander around without it. Yeah. But I think it's quite healthy because I've grown up, as opposed to seeing, you know, perfect naked bodies, you grow up learning that everyone's bits are very different. And what you might see, you know, like online or wherever it is, it's not always the reflection of what...

No, all different shapes and sizes. I'm not just talking about like the rude bits, but like even just, you know, the size of people's bodies and the shapes and like everyone's different. And I think it was quite healthy actually as a kid. Absolutely. So at the park, you'd have other family friends there.

Would you go, come over to our caravan for a barbecue and everyone's sort of barbecue naked. Generally, generally you don't cook naked. Or you'd wear, they'd often wear an apron. But naked on the back.

Butts out. But you'd Wear an apron To protect the front What happens if it gets cold? Well you wear a jersey Oh you can't put a jersey on But you're still naked In the bottom half

Donald Duckie Donald Duck I've definitely seen people Wear jerseys and nothing else Like I've seen Honestly I've seen it all Like some people Their top half gets colder

Than the bottom half Do you have to Geez they must mow Through the sunscreen. Because you've got, you know, 30% extra body to cover. Extra bits, yeah. But also they're boomers who famously weren't big fans of sunscreen. Oh, yeah.

They're just sizzling away. I'd get like, maybe there's a market for like a little umbrella you can put down on your, you know, so it's got a band on it. Like a little cocktail umbrella. Yeah. That's the size. Is that all you need? Why don't I stay cocktail with this?

It sounds a lot worse. It's just like those ones with the wooden stick. Just poke it in. Aw, cute. With that sorted out for you. Like a tropical holiday. That's great. It's all right. it fun for us to catch

her again on the day show. The Hits. The Jono and Ben Podcast. Listen, over the weekend something happened and I couldn't tell if it was a dig or not. And I just want to get the vibe from the team of five million on this whole thing. Holding doors open. We all do it.

Don't we yeah yeah we do sometimes ben you like to hop in a lift and pretend you can't hold the door open and then go away as the door's slowly shut that's when i don't do it but you're right that's when i'm in a rush for something and someone's too far away you like to hold it for a long time yeah sometimes 20 30 meters the person's away and they have to sort of speed up their walk like an olympic speed walker and that's where i feel sorry for the person that like because they're like oh jesus guys and they have you know get up a sweat and put deodorant on after running through the door you know yeah i'd say uh yeah sometimes you can never have a door holder come into contact with another door holder because

then you're trying to out polite each other and no one's going through first righty right so i held the door open for a lady over the weekend she walked past and said thanks from the 1950s and then kept walking and i was like that's definitely a dig but at the same time a little bit maybe unnecessary because i feel like that's just a nice thing to do that's what i and the human race no matter what you know whatever it's that's just a nice thing to do i uh yeah and and the human race no matter what you know whatever it's that's just a nice thing to do i uh yeah and you know when someone says something like that and it rattles you and then you sit you think about it for you know two hours afterwards non-stop and i was like

i wanted to go and hunt her down and then reignite the conversation and go hey regardless of gender sexual preference age whatever i'll hold the door open, thank you very much, and then walk off again. But I couldn't find her. So, yeah, what do you think? Doors for females. Men holding doors for females, holding them open. Is it sexist in 2023? What?

No, I mean, if you said a comment or something, as you were doing it. I mean, don't get me wrong. You get a great view of their cabooses they walk past. No, you don't. And it was the female toilet door as well. so there were a couple of things working against me. I feel like it's fine for anyone to open the door for anyone. It's a nice, polite thing to do as a human being.

I would have thought so, and this is why I just want to go to the phones to make myself feel better for an awkward interaction. Terry, can a guy hold the door open for a female? A hundred percent. And a female can hold the door open for a guy. I just think it's lovely. And you've been brought up very well. Thank you very much. Too well, though.

Apparently I hold them up for awkwardly long, according to Ben. 20, 30 metres away. Yeah, that's slightly odd. I am slightly odd. Hey, Terry, you're going to have a wonderful week. Appreciate it. Cheers, Eddie. Bye. You happy with that? You happy with that? to have a wonderful week. Appreciate it. Cheers, Eddie. Bye.

You happy with that? You happy with that? Not happy she called me sweetie, mate. It's 2023. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. Yeah, that was on Saturday, Ben. We went to a very fancy hotel where Momoa was staying. That was lovely, wasn't it?

Yeah, to do the interview. Now... Did the lady bamboozle you? We spoke to that lady, and I thought she was working for the movie company and she was like well she went to the hotel yeah the restaurant she's like oh it's gonna be a big day tomorrow and we're like what's happening tomorrow because this is on saturday and she's like oh come on you know about tomorrow i thought it was some industry thing that we didn't know about some special thing and i was like this is awkward whatever it is we haven't been invited to it and she was like

it's mother's day tomorrow i'm like oh yeah is awkward, whatever it is, we haven't been invited to it. And she was like, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I'm like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. And it was a big day, Mother's Day, wasn't it?

But one of the joys of doing our job is we wear matching suits, Ben. And another joy is we have no trouble getting changed anywhere. You name a location,

we'll get changed. Queen Street got changed. Bus stops. Colombo Street. Gosh, you know, side of the road, rental car, car, whatever it is, we'll just get changed. We'll just get changed.

And so you're like, I bought the suits, let's go get changed in the public restroom. Now, we did that. And we're in the main area of the restroom. We weren't tucked away in cubicles. This was like common real estate for every person to use. Now, a gentleman walks in we're bang both in our underpants clothes strewn all over the bathroom floor just stuff everywhere and he's like whoa

okay hi and uh look like yeah we looked a little sheepish he was a little flustered and he was like i'm a tour guide i'm in charge of 150 k Koreans. And that was the first thing he came out. He was so frightened he didn't know what else to look after. I said, that's a lot of Koreans to look after, 150 of them. So anyway, we got changed, and everything worked out for the better. He went and did what he needed to do. He shut the door. We were still getting changed and talking.

And I just wanted to send a big shout out to, you know, the likes of Superman, Superwoman. They're getting changed in public phone booths. Yeah, you're right. And I've never seen Superman pick his clothes up after he's been changed, so I must just leave them. Well, that's true. That's a good point.

In the booth. I think we bamboozled that poor guy so much that he didn't go to the bathroom. I think he just spoke to us. Did he? I'm a judge of 150 Koreans. And then he left. Yeah. He was a little rattled, wasn't he? Apologies.

Apologies. He listens to the radio show, so I want to apologize to him as well. And I hope he didn't lose any one of those Koreans. The Hits, the Jono and Ben podcast. Now, I need to come clean. A part of the show is, you know, opening up, don't they say, open up our hearts, our deepest, darkest secrets, Ben?

And I lied over the weekend. Oh, did you? Yeah, and I want to set up an unprofessional confessional here. The unprofessional part is that we have no qualifications to offer any therapy, but if there's something you'd like to come clean on, 0800 the hits,

because one of the most common questions around our household, around the whare, is from me. Where's my car keys? Where's my wallet? Lose them daily, multiple times a day. Forget where I've put them. I should just keep them in one location. I know there's a simple fix. I know you're looking at me like,

why don't you just leave them in the same place every time? But I don't. And so, Jen, my wife, she was getting sick of this question being constantly barked out into the ether as well. Like, I'm just expecting people to go, it's in the bathroom or it's in the thing. And so she bought me an electronic tag. So you put this tiny little tag and you put it in your luggage if you're traveling or, you know, attach it to your car key gotcha i've seen those yeah yeah and so then on an app you can see exactly it just tracks where your wallet is unless you don't have your phone and then you're when you're where's my bloody phone because i need to track where my wallet is that's where everything falls apart

there's a hole in the plot there but But on Friday, now this is only a day after I've received the tag. I'm like this is great. This is going to solve all the issues. Very thoughtful present. And 24 hours later I'm like I've got my wallet. I know where the wallet is. But then I've lost the tag. I've lost the electronic

tag. Anyone seen the electronic tag? And Gina's like well this is when you go onto the app you can use the app now yeah yeah find it and i was like well this makes sense and i look on the app and i'm like oh she's it's 0.8 meters away and i'm wandering around i'm like where is it where is it looking high and low 0.8 meters away and it's like 0.1 meters away i'm like where i could i couldn't see it anywhere then i checked my pockets i've been wandering around with it the whole time what in my pocket now at this point i'm like

gotta save face here prior so then i slipped the tag under the dog's bed and i was like lifted up the bed and i was like oh milo myo. Milo clearly had got my wallet, opened my wallet, pulled out the tag and started playing. I was like, damn dog. Such a dog thing to do, isn't it? Yeah, and she doesn't know the truth. Now I'm going to come clean on it. Well, that's the unprofessional confessional. That's your, you confess to something. I feel better.

And that's what we want. Little things that maybe you do or you have done that you can give us a call on 0800 the Hits or 4487 and confess to something give us a text too, you've done all that mate, shut up prior the unprofessional confessional what are things that you can admit to

Jono just admitted that he blamed the dog for something for an electronic tag that I lost and then I found through the tracking device that it was in my pocket the whole time, the dog took the hit on that one and apologies to my long suffering wife forering wife for my behavior uh i could i'd like to confess that uh something that i do i'd like to come clean literally uh i do a lot of the washing at home and there there's a pair of socks i've never been able to find the the matching pair to other these

socks they have gone i just keep putting them back in the machine they've gone through about honestly about 35 different cycles i'm eventually gonna go oh i just keep putting them back in the machine. They've gone through about, honestly, about 35 different cycles. I'm eventually thinking I'll just put them back in again, wash them again. The washing gods will magically make them match up. It hasn't happened but they just keep, so they're the cleanest socks in New Zealand but they don't have mates. We always

thought sock tinder would be a really good thing where we start off thinking, hope people post a solo sock and go, oh have you got a matching one for this? Yeah I do, oh you can have that, it's a match. Yeah, we should get on to that. It's solo sock and go, oh, have you got a matching one for this? You're like, yeah, I do. Oh, you can have that. It's a match. Yeah, we should get on to that. It's a good business idea. Well, so you're going to come clean on the fact

that you've just been putting the single sock through every wash cycle. For a long time now. Let's head to Waihi. Jazz, you're on New Zealand's Breakfast. Morena. Hi, good morning. Good to have you on, Jazz.

Now, you can come clean. It's the unprofessional confessional. Not like a real confessional when you go and confess your sins to a priest and you're like, well, chances are some of these priests have probably done far worse than I have. Probably, yeah. But anyway, Jazz, what do you want to come clean on? Well, I just hope my mum's not listening. Sorry, Mum.

So over the years as a teenager, I watched her get great enjoyment out of her annual drinks she would have, share at the family dinner on her birthdays, and it was the bottle of Baileys. So every year she would get a new bottle and it would sit in the cabinet until the following birthday. I was an experimental teenager and I wanted to try that enjoying-looking Bailey's

sitting in the cupboard, so I did, when she wasn't home, and I'd top it up with milk. So when her next birthday came around, she went to open that bottle, and it came out like cottage cheese. And she's like, oh, the Bailey's has expired. The worst part was she took it back to the liquor store she got it from and complained. And they said, somebody's been putting milk

in this. Oh, did they work it out, did they? Yep. So, yeah, she got me back, though. She got me good one day and said, all those years that you thought you were drinking the good Milo, I'd top it up with the cheap stuff. Yeah, the unbranded Milo, battler Milo. And what a way to pay back. Jazz, good on you.

Thank you very much for phoning up. You have a great week, okay? Well, thank you. All right, the unprofessional confessional. We're going to roll on to Jane. What do you want to come clean on, Jano? Hello. How are you? What would you like to confess? I'm good, thanks, and you? Yeah confessional. We're going to roll on to Jane. What do you want to come clean on, Jane-o? Hello. How are you?

What would you like to confess? I'm good, thanks, and you? Yeah, no, we're good. I need to confess I used to sell sex toys for a period of about three years after I met my partner. Oh, that's – does the partner not know about that? No, he doesn't. I sold it online.

Oh, wow. Does the partner not know about that? No, he didn't. I sold it online. What are all these buzzing devices in the garage in these boxes? No, I didn't. It was sold sort of third party. Oh, right. You were clean. Your hands were clean. You were the middle person to the whole thing. I was.

I was. Did he ever find out about it? Never. Not to this day. Oh, jeez. Well, hopefully he's not listening right now. No, he doesn't know. And so you got out of the game, did you?

I did. I had to. I had to get out of it because it was just, it was saying too much of my conscience. And I thought, no, I can't, because he's conservative. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, why didn't you say, hey, look, I'm doing this? It seems like a legitimate and a good business idea. No, he kept saying every time things came up, and every time things kept coming around, he kept saying, oh, this is not such a nice thing to do for people.

And I went, oh, God, if only he knew. Yeah, well, there is not such a nice thing to do for people. And I went, oh, God, they're new here news. Yeah, well, there you go. Hey, Ben, next time, let's not get your adult toy sales rep on the phone, shall we, mate? She was our best rep for many years, mate. I want to get her back. I know. I've bought you the month every month for many years.

Hey, good on you, Jane. Have a great week. Thanks. Bye.