Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - Tales from Megans roller derby days!

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

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Today on the Wild Wild Web, how being a waiter could be an Olympics sport. There you go. Welcome to the untamed realm of the world's wide web. A swirling vortex of weirdness, bullying and self-obsessed social media posts. In this digital jungle, Jono and Vienna are your fearless guides. Leading you through the wildest parts of the wild, wild web. This is the wild, wild web. Wild stories from the internet.

The internet is a wild, wild place, and we see where the wild, wild conversations end up. There's a race every year that happens in Paris, where they've already been quite fast and loose With their kitchen stuff Ratatouille was a chef in Paris, right? So, you know Yeah, there's a

So what do they do in this race? So it's a race between actual You have to be an actual waiter To take part in this race You've got to run Well, run, walk, whatever Just go 1.2 miles Through the city streets

Huge crowds actually watch this But you've got to be holding The whole time like a tray With a glass of water 1.2 miles through the city streets. Huge crowds actually watch this, but you've got to be holding the whole time like a tray with a glass of water, a small coffee cup full, and a croissant. A croissant. A croissant. A croissant. And if you spill any of the water or drop any of the croissant or the crumbs or whatever, like I said, croissant.

Croissant. Don't even know if I'm saying that correctly, but it's nice to say. Croissant. Croissant. Croissant. Then you're out of the race, and it's the first person to get over. Like the egg and spoon race that you do back in the day. And this year, they get a big prize,

as well as going to the opening ceremony of the Olympics as well. Is the Olympics in France? Yeah, in France. So they won a ticket to the... Yes, it's just up the road. It's like a trip. Yeah. Well, that's a...

I can never convert miles into kilometres. Yeah. So you say 1.2 miles, you'd say nearly 2km. Carrying a... 1.9km. Oh, yeah, 2km, but you can't spell. So that's that whole thing. That's the dilemma of going fast.

That's really far. Yeah, it's quite far right yeah i thought it was just going to be like a hundred meter situation it'd probably just be easier to buy the tickets to the opening ceremony to be honest i think there's another prize as well but this year they've added an opening ceremony tickets as well it's quite a prestigious event it's one of those things that i guess the quirky things they do around the running of the bulls or the running of the sheep they do in new zealand things like that. You're right, though. Do you go fast and risk the spillage, or do you take it slow and steady?

I waited. I spilled so many things over people. Did you? Yeah, as a teenager. The worst thing was I was at the race course, which was also a function centre, so I was 16, 17, and having to be a waiter for school bulls. Same age as the people at the balls. Oh, yeah, true.

You know? Yeah. And not that it's a big deal now when you look back on it, but then you're just like, this is the worst. You look back and you're like, why was it the worst? It wasn't the worst. You're like, I'm earning money and I'm like. No, but people treat you like rubbish. I mean, they did back when I did it.

Like, they'd just, you you know like call you over with the click of a finger like talk badly to you and complain to you like you made the food all of that you probably do have to put up with quite a lot there was a place in in auckland for a while that used to used to do where you go along and they do it and teach not the before it was the karen's diner there was a place before that was there that was a bad service place uh that was and that was part of it you go along to work there and they give you a grief the lady was it was really funny i sort of like middle-aged couple was up and she was like giving all sorts of grief you know like making snoring

noises as i'm trying to order and all sorts of stuff but then she knocked accidentally knocked a glass of red wine on me not part of the egg not part of the act. Not part of the act. And basically how quickly the act stopped. She was lovely. She was lovely. She was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And luckily I was wearing, I think it was like a black shirt and black pants. It was like, yeah, I was like. First rule of novelty dining, never drop character. Never drop.

Like she could have made that part of the act. Oh, I know. It was like, yeah. But yeah, it was funny how quickly that stopped. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So, so, yeah, no, I spilt, because you're holding a tray. So there's like, if the races are on, for example,

you're standing there at the door holding a tray of juices and champagne, you know, that wonderful combo when you walk into anywhere. And eventually your hand starts trembling. Oh, yeah. And you hold on for as long as you can. And you're like, oh, this has got to go now. And it went all over a poor lady's back oh god

and she you know just the beginning of the races as well so she's drenched in orange juice and champagne and she's like

it's okay it wasn't it's not okay it's not okay it's not okay we did one in in America remember there was a diner

that did roller roller skates the staff on roller skates inside the diner and they they let us serve actual customers. Risky. Risky, yeah.

You were actually not a comedy for, but ended up. Again. Spilled it all over this poor lady. You're not meant to serve people. No, especially on skates. You're like, oh, God. It was her. So the lady who ran the diner, I felt like she was part of the Sopranos,

but it was her son, and he was there with some of his, he was on a date, double date, wasn't he? That's right. And I'd spilt it over one of the babes. Yeah. Oh, terrible. And yeah, she wasn't entirely thrilled. Risky conditions though. Well, yeah, exactly. What do you expect? What was the

outfit, like the uniform? Just like an old sort of 60s diner. Yeah, right. They're all, well. Was it like little skirts? Yeah, little skirts. We're the only ones that were probably, I don't know now if it's okay to,

but we were men. We're the only men that were working there at the time. Yeah, I kind of figured. Yeah. You would be fine. You were handy on roller skates.

Yeah, it does sound like a bit of me. That was your, your background, right? Roller derby? Yeah, I could like, I reckon I'd really nail that. What was your name?

You had a great stage name. Chloe Kabashian. That's right. That's the good thing about it. That's what we like. We did it a couple of times for TV shows over the years, but not been very good at it. But I love the names they come up with for themselves.

I'm trying to think of one for you now, Ben Boyce. It's good if you can do it with Ben. I was the jammer. Ben Jammer. I had no point being that. There was no reason I wasn't good enough to be the jammer the jammer's the star

of the show I know and I wasn't the star of the show that's what I wanted to be going into Derby but like I wasn't fast enough or agile enough

neither was I but they just said for TV it's funny to have one of you guys doing it and because my name was Benjamin they were like

Ben Jammer and it worked well it worked well on name basis but not on technical ability and the jammer's the one that everyone's gunning for, so you're going to end up on your ass.

There was one lady that would just come around. Every time she'd see me, she'd just drop the shoulder. I'd go flying. I was like, oh, my goodness, this is scary. Upon first watch, very confusing. You're like, what is happening here? You can't quite figure out the sport. Yeah.

But when it's explained to you, it makes a lot more sense. So each team has a jammer, star on their hat, and they get a point every time they make it through the rest of the teams. Yeah. Yeah, they get a lap and they make it through.

That's just essentially the most points won. But everyone else is trying to block them and you are blockers. So that your team's trying to block the opposite team's jammer and essentially just block everyone. But then your team's blocking the other team from blocking. Yeah. So you can get through as the jammer. And trying to block the opposite team's jammer and essentially just block everyone.

But then your team's blocking the other team from blocking so you can get through as the jammer. And trying to, yeah. And then there's things called whips and stuff where I as a blocker could pull my jammer through and literally throw them across the track. So make them go faster. Yeah.

Oh, so they would grab onto your arm, you mean? Yeah. You'd give them an assist. Slingshot them. That's why a lot of them wear belts and stuff. So like I would wear a belt and they would pull on your belts. Or you're on your skates and then you might not see them coming. All of a sudden they pull your belt and whip past.

Whip you past. Or you have your arm out and you can whip them through. What? How did you get into that? I watched Whip It. The movie. It's a good movie, that. Such a great movie.

And I was like, that looks so cool. I'm going to be a jammer. I wasn't. I was shit. And I was just a blocker. And I hurt myself quite a bit, but nothing too serious. Yeah, well, you wouldn't have done filming in there. Someone injured themselves, though, just before we started.

It's fine. You don't get many injuries. And this lady went, wha-bang, broke her collarbone. Yeah. Yeah, I saw a broken collarbone. I saw a chick rip her chin open I like not exaggerating Rip her chin open

Was that like a Yeah because we were on a track That had little plastic tiles And when she fell over chin first Her chin caught on the tile It was horrific So her chin was dangling Yeah

Oh gosh I had a groin injury I think Dan Carter had one at the same time Oh, so the chin was dangling. Yeah. Oh, gosh. I had a groin injury. I think Dan Carter had one at the same time. I had to go get physio on my groin. Your groin wasn't dangling. No. The chin wasn't.

What happened there? Was that a plastic surgery? She had a lot of stitches. But there was blood everywhere. And she was just literally trying to hold her, the flap of skin back up. Her chin holding it. The ambulance came and she had that morphine inhaler. What was that bit? Inhaler.

Yeah, yeah. She took that one on the chin. Yeah, definitely. So how many years did you play of this? Two, two and a bit. So you were right on the skate. You must be pretty good on skates. Yeah, I went to Adelaide and part of a rep team and played in Adelaide.

Did you? Yeah. I think I was probably last selected, though. Like, numbers. Still, right? Making up the numbers. There's a time for you to dust the skates off again for a radio promotion. Yeah, I'll get you back.

I've got multiple uniforms. You guys could wear some uniforms. Well, I've done it twice. It'd be no good either time. I had purple sparkly hot pants that you can try now you're tempting me I was part of mascara massacre

I'll get that uniform I think it looks nice and purple and green now just to clarify are you tempted that you'd be wearing them or are you tempted that you'll see me

get in them what was the temptation there I'd say wearing them I don't know no no I'd like to see you wear them oh that's that's a really interesting sport to get into.

It's wild. Ben boys play cricket. Yeah, cricket, rugby, just to bore the year. Boring. Yeah, the boring, you know. Yeah, exactly. I really wanted to play league growing up, but they didn't have a league at schoolboy level

when they wired it up at the time. Right. So, yeah, we used to play at heaps at lunchtimes and after school. That was kind of the – that was always the dream. But I always get smashed, but it was probably like yourself but i always want to get involved i like the niche sports it still goes on all around the country too if you sort it out you'd be able to go watch a game right across the country it's i don't want to stereotype it but it's definitely more female leaning isn't it the sports do they have male teams yeah yeah they do i there was one

male team I remember but most of the time the guys the referees or the umpires I can't remember which one it was yeah right

in striper shirts yeah bloody good sport that yeah lovely people go watch a game lovely people and you're lovely people for listening to this podcast too

are we ready to wrap up yeah we can wrap it up if you like everyone said what they needed to say today I think so where did we start oh we started with Paris

didn't we Megan that's you've been there roller what they needed to say. Why don't we start? Oh, we started with Paris, didn't we? Megan, you've been there. Roller derby needs to be up. At the Olympic sport. At the Olympics. Yeah, I have been there. You've been to Paris. Well, yeah, you know that from my mentalist.

Yeah, from a mentalist. That was the story she got led into when she went and saw the illusionist magician. But the thing that blew my mind is when you told me that the show you went to, the person said Paris as well. So he must have Paris and the Eiffel tower. So that must be a story that he planted in my head somehow. We went there for work to Paris and we were so tired and delirious. It was at the end of like a fortnight of just filming nonstop.

And we ended up going to the Moulin Rouge. We auditioned to be in Moulin Rouge backstage and we were just in a weird, delirious mood. We created this false story. They were in the hotel. We're like, oh, we don't have a story for this Moulin Rouge thing. Because it was meant to be like X Factor. So we're like, oh, we'll make it like X Factor.

Everyone's got emotional backstories. And so then we made up a story that my wife was just a torso. So, yeah, we were very tired. Not true. It would have been like a rollercoaster accident or something. Yeah, a remote end. Or a long flume or something. They'd gone wrong.

And her arms and legs came off. And so I was married to a torso. And that's the reason why we were doing that, to get a pillow. I don't know why we did it. Did you tell Jen, your wife? I think someone went on TV. Someone caught it because it was terrible. But we went on to Boulogne Rouge and we were like telling this lady who was French.

My wife's just a torso. And she was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And she's got no arms or legs. She just sits there. And then I went down on my knees and just sitting. And I was like, this is my wife. Yeah, it was a bit far. It was a regrettable moment.

I remember going to that. Yeah, we did the filming. It was weird. And then we watched moulin rouge yeah yeah had some champagne and watched them do what they do on stage the comedy nothing clothing for sometimes you know they're not wearing well the hot pants they might have worn but not much yeah yeah it's a bit of it's uh it was a uh honor to see Yeah, it was a very famous sort of thing. An institution. It was an institution. But yeah, very odd.

That's right. We brought a very unique brand of comedy to that, which they... They had that hotel room. It just had like a big... Everyone got like... It was almost like a computer. It was a computer on the screen, eh?

And it would just have like files of movies. Of pornography. Yeah, pornography was part of the files as well. You'd be like... Are you joking? And so it was always the joke that someone to rush into someone else's room play it real loud it was like it was Ozzy it was a it was a computer on screen you see the tv you're like all these files of movies not just all pornography other movies but a lot of pornography they're very free aren't they yeah that's the

thing they don't yeah maybe we are prudish over here in new zealand when you go over there and you're like well we are very conservative and stuff and you're like oh my goodness this is they're probably like oh well if you want to watch that then watch it and they trust people to watch it for free too we get charged over here in hotels I know we make it more of a thing

they're like here's the files yeah here we go help yourself it's all there no judgement here it's pretty weird stuff whatever you like

there's something for everyone that's right yeah they're doing it better in France aren't they that's for sure well have a great day thanks for listening