Jono, Ben & Megan - The Podcast - What does a hitman do after the hit?

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Welcome to the untamed realm of the world's Wild Wild Web!  Today we discuss the life of an actual hitman... and somehow ended on wedding cakes?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to the untamed realm of the world's wide web. A swirling vortex of weirdness, bullying, and self-obsessed social media posts. In this digital jungle, Jono and Vienna are your fearless guides. Leading you through the wildest parts of the wild, wild web. This is the wild, wild web. Actual stories from the internet That have caught our attention That we want to bring to you

And we get to talk about them And then we see where the conversation heads off Actually before we get into this I just wanted to quickly mention something else We talked the other day about the oldest man in the world 111 Yeah well now There is another man in Peru

that they've said the Peru have come out and said hey whoa whoa whoa we've got an older one we've got an older one but at 124 years old

why wouldn't they cross that out yeah so now they're looking into it as well how old's the other dude 111

and that would make him the oldest person ever like I think so they're like oh we need to look into this more are their papers correct yeah well i say yes can we see a photo of the peruvian guy born in 1900 yeah 1900 yeah exactly 1900 so because it would be yeah so if it's correct i'm sorry i know we're getting into the hitman story but i just that just popped into my head. Yeah. He doesn't look for

124. I'd be a raisin. He's got a cool little fun hat. Like a little bucket hat. Great name. He's got some good fashion sense too. Someone's literally having to hold his hand up as he holds the knife cutting the cake.

If he is 124. Jeez, they're brittle bloody bones. So it shows, is that his driver's license? And it's got his birth date. It's 1900. But he's in the Guinness World Records. Why did no one check this before? Forget about him.

Why did no one check this before? So he has been the oldest person all along. Yeah. Everyone else is coming and going, and he's like, wait a minute. So there's a bit of a battle now between the oldest person all along Everyone else is coming and going And he's like wait a minute So there's a bit of a battle now between the oldest people in the world That's a huge difference though If that's the case

If the guy in the UK is 111 And this other guy in Peru is 124 years old 12 decades The stuff that he would have The transformation Of the world That that guy has witnessed. Well, I mean, you can all rest easy on the knowledge.

Seriously, I think I've got more wrinkles than him. He looks wonderful. He looks really good, eh? Like, he does look really good. There's a smiling little, I know it's more of a surprise photo here with him here on the couch, but he looks good. Yeah. You wouldn't look at him and go 124, would you? No.

You'd look at him and go maybe, what? 123? No, 80. I'd say4, would you? No. You'd look at him and go maybe, what? 123? No, 80. I'd say 80, you know? Yeah, he does. He's got a fun hat, red hat on. Maybe you just reach a certain age and you don't look, you know, you don't appear any older.

I feel like I've hit that age now. Where is he at? Where is he at in life? But you can rest easy in the knowledge that the 111-year-old is probably too old to care that his title was only there for a week. No. Yeah. Oh, well.

I'll just keep trying to live. Now, today, we take a bit of a dark turn. Got lost in a huge internet hole on the wild, wild web. YouTube. It was a documentary on a hitman. Some great documentaries on YouTube. It's an interview with a hitman. He's in prison now.

And he's just emotionless. He tells these stories like it's nothing. Well, you'd have to be though, wouldn't you, to do that job? Lacking of empathy. Well, you wouldn't, you know, like, yeah. There would be just no, you couldn't have any guilt,

you couldn't have any feeling. Legit question. There must be a difference between like the psychopath that is the serial killer and him. Because he doesn't necessarily want to go out and do it himself, but he is persuaded to by money. You're right, he's not doing it for pleasure. He's not doing it for pleasure, he's doing it for money. But lives don't mean anything to him.

Yeah, he's just completely lacking empathy, but doesn't have the psycho nature aspect. The psychology of it really intrigues me. Have a listen to him. Avril. Some people, when they kill somebody, they go get drunk

and they go get high. Some people, when they kill somebody, they go get something to eat. I go to the Waffle House. Cheese melt, omelette with onions, hash browns. There you go. Sounds like a lovely meal, actually. Cheese melt.

Yeah. But that's what he does. He goes and gets a meal after he's done a hit. Just to sort of download and decompress. Decompress. Yeah. Wow. There's people like that out there i know you believe that yeah because sometimes you think all of the stuff you see in movies is just not real but and would you know like if you're in that job would you like

and someone said hey i want to put this hit out and someone i'm going to pay you this money would you want to find out if this person was a bad person if it was a genius or just go i'll get the money you know do you look into that or just go okay does he ask why yeah so megan snaked me in the work car park she pulled in she saw me indicating it was like you know like that justified or not justified i don't think you'd want to know any details would you no you don't want to know anything about the person you like. But I kind of would. I'd feel better if they were a horrible person. Yeah.

But at the same time, you're right. You'd make a good hitman. Ben would make a good hitman. Ben would make the worst hitman. He's the opposite. Lying awake at night. Too much of a conscience. What have I done?

What have I done? He doesn't even like breaking the rules anywhere. I don't even toot my horn when I'm driving the car. You'd go and do the hit and you'd be like, I'm so sorry. You just seem like such a nice person. You just want to go hang out? We'll do some stuff.

Yeah. We'll just have the hit go, mate. Oh, it was great. We didn't watch the Warriors. Had a great meal. There's actually a thing in prison. There's a thing that popped up on Netflix last night. Now, I haven't watched it, but have you seen it pop up?

It's like an experiment. It's a reality show in a prison. And they give, it was the guy coming in going okay this is the experiment we're gonna the cells are going to be unlocked you're not allowed to leave the prison but everything we're not going to lock you in your cells at night and it's to see if it if the and he's like you guys need to work together as a community and if you don't work together if there's fights or whatever they'll shut back up and that's it could take 10 minutes or 10 minutes we'll shut the but if you if you work together and work as a community then you can have a bit more i guess autonomy a bit more like of a free reign over the prison without and it's quite interesting and what you don't know what the result is i just watched the preview

and i was like oh good tease but it's like yeah it's like a reality series that i guess follows the journey of to go they don't let them them. At first I'm like, wow, that's a lot. This is wild. Be back by five o'clock guys. All right, no worries. But you know,

so they don't leave by the sound of it, leave the prison. But they're not confined to a cell. No, they don't have, so they've got a bit more independence in some ways, but if they screw it up. Right.

You're relying on everyone to care for everyone else. The guy's theory was that maybe it would mean a more harmonious prison if they all went in there. It's a great theory. Because in some respects, being locked into your cell at night would feel safe to me. Well, with all sorts going on. Rather than, yeah.

I mean, if I was in prison, I'd say I'm not coming out of here. Lock me in, everyone else out there. You leave the doors open at night? What? Yeah, exactly. No, I'm not on board. Can we have a vote

I'm definitely not on board with this yeah true but maybe it was a bit more like run of the you know like a bit more independence but it's a great theory

because sometimes you feel like people probably go to prison do their time come out and they've probably just learned to become a better criminal

in there whereas if you actually maybe give them a bit of responsibility and go this is on you they might they might have that in the real world though Didn't they But I don't know

If it's going to work or whatever like that But it was interesting I love the end of the series to be like this stressed out prison warden Who's like shit this was a terrible idea They've taken over the prison We can't get a hold of them They've got all the guards guns How do you think you would handle One night in prison Not great Get a hold of them. They've got all the guards' guns. I'm just a new black. No, it's fine.

How do you think you would handle one night in prison? Not great. Terribly. I remember years ago, we were at school, and we did a tour of a prison. I can't remember which prison it was or why or where the prisoners were, but it was terrifying. And the cells are gross, and was like horrible things written on the

walls and i was like even just being here in this scenario when there's no one else here is terrifying let alone a whole lot of people yeah and you imagine you like that's literally you're confined to that area we gotta i mean obviously i've talked many times in the wild while we're about getting arrested for the tv sketch that went wrong but we were in a holding cell there and then they were while you're waiting to get processed and that was quite interesting because you're in with a whole lot of other people who are kind of standing around after for hours and you're kind of like oh what did you what did you do what did you you know like what did some of the people spark out conversation i mean a lot of people

they kind of initiated that conversation but yeah they kind of were like what are you guys in there for and we're like i was was TV skits that went wrong. And one of them guys was like, oh, guys, come on. I was sort of talking to us. I'm like, what? Looking down on you? Yeah, that was a silly thing to do. I was like, yeah, OK, we get that.

You just literally robbed a bank. I went judging you. Yeah, I got a little judging. And what had they done? Well, yeah, some of them had done some other, you know, they didn't really get into too much detail. Right, because it was bad. You'd done a silly TV sketch. But fair enough. enough it was a silly thing and then we got processed and

then put into our own individual cell with nothing going on or holding cell type thing but that was enough it was like shit maybe they made the social decision once you had come forth with the information about what you had done and they're like well we probably don't want to make them feel uncomfortable by telling him what we've done yeah Yeah, exactly. We'll take a quick break from the Wild Web. Welcome back. That was too much for me. How long were you in there for? Most of the day, like in the morning till, yeah,

we arrived in the morning and then we're probably out about 7 or 8 that night. So probably about 9 in the morning to 8, through the whole process thing and the whole, you know. You could say you've done some time in prison. It doesn't work. Well, it's more of the holding cells than the police. They don't work at a fast pace, but I think that's the point. You know, you don't, you know. You've got to sit there and think about what you've done.

It's not like checking into a hotel where, you know, get me through, here we go, you know. What about the toilet? So I think, yeah. Oh, Jesus, it's been so long. I think we're allowed to let out to go to the toilet. But, yeah. But, yeah, it's a really good point. I must have had to go to the bathroom across the day across the day did you

blank it out of your mind yeah well there's a lot i've tried to forget about it although we keep bringing it back up in this uh wild web i think it's so interesting though because you are like such a i don't want to say goody good but you are you're very like i'm trying to break too many rules i'm trying to be now i mean when you have that sort of thing happen then you're kind of like that china definitely shapes the way i am a lot more now i was probably a lot more like up for loosey-goosey yeah well yeah not not but you know i had those times particularly with tv sketches and stuff you're like oh it's fun you know now you're like oh okay here's here's the worst case scenario yeah yeah so kind of changes you which is i guess you should a lot of these

experiences should probably change who you are otherwise you don't learn from them I guess yeah yeah trying to learn from it you know because the worst thing

would be oh mate back in again we did it again really what an idiot less leniency when you haven't learned

from the first time around I'm trying to but definitely not perfect that's for sure the sequel yeah that's for sure crazy I remember? Yeah, that's for sure. Crazy. I remember we filmed something with a former mongrel mob leader,

and we were filming like a prison sketch. Actually, Ursula Carlson was the prison warden. And we filmed in the Hawke's Bay, and he had actually been in that prison. He was telling us about it. He said sometimes at night people would jump out, go see their partners, climb back in by the morning. You're joking.

This was many years ago, not like a maximum security. Yeah. It was back in the day. Have you done Alcatraz? You've been to San Francisco? No. That's a fascinating place. They've got audio tour.

You listen to like, yeah, you go around. It's kind of like a radio play. You go along and it's like walk over here and they have a little radio play going on in your head about the Germans. It's really cool. It's really, it's an eerie place though to go and to go.

It's not that far from San Francisco and you're like, well, people, they're like people, some people escape, but they reckon they got caught by the tide. You're like, what's up?

You can back yourself. You almost go, I was just close enough. Nothing to lose. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So some people did escape and then they end up

they ended up making fake heads and fake bodies in their beds and stuff and then they went into the water and they were never seen of and they reckon they drowned

but who knows maybe they escaped were they shark infested waters too well probably I think the currents are the swift quite swift there aren't they

yeah but you know you would back yourself yeah well you give it a go right what have you want to lose exactly you're kind of there no sorry i was gonna say the surprising thing was there was a community there because it was people living with kids and the you know people that worked at the prison we had kids there and they had like a little school with the you know not in the in the actual but in the island on the island and it's not a big island yeah i always thought the island was like tiny it's not a big island. Yeah, I always thought the island was tiny. Yeah, it's tiny.

But they had obviously people that worked there and they had their kids. You see photos of people with their kids. Like, great. That's an unusual place to grow up as a kid. Surely you'd just catch the ferry to work each morning. Yeah, go back across this. Have your family in a normal suburban...

Yeah, or a different time, I guess. But yeah, very unusual. Were you a big fan of Prison Break when it first came out? That was a great series. Yeah, that guy was hot. He was hot. They really lost me when they escaped once, then they kept getting caught.

They threw him back in prison. It's like Ben's thing. It's like, you didn't go back to the airport and do that again. So why are you messing around with prison stuff? So if you hadn't seen that show, his brother was in there, right? His brother was in prison. Then he did something. Wrongly accused the brother.

Yeah, so he was like, I'm going to get you out. So he did something light to TV sketch going wrong or something. But then he had to get his whole body tattooed. Yeah, because he had

the blueprints of the way the escape route and stuff of the prison on his body. That is a commitment to tattoo as well. But then I think also a commitment for the show because you notice, because I watched the second series, he's out, they're on the run.

And then, spoiler alert, they get caught again in the third series, they're back in prison in like Puerto Rico or something. So they're back in prison break. But he wears a lot of long-sleeved T-shirts. In very hot conditions. Yeah, like a lot of the time That character's wearing long sleeves I think just because

There's been a pain in the ass To draw on his tattoos all the time Of course Wentworth Miller Yeah And the brother Is with old bloody Tish Cyrus I know yeah

Just married Miley's mum His brother in the show Yes Yeah And he was with Dominic Perel or something Yeah

He was with Miley'serel or something Yeah He was with Miley's sister They were dating And then he He disputes that They're not sure Are you talking about Noah? Noah Cyrus?

No he was dating I only read the headline of a TNZ Yeah there was something that came out After it saying And then I think I mean Miley and the mum are saying That she's making that up

So I don't know But that family is not harmonious at the moment. No, it's weird. It seemed like a really tight-knit family for many years. I think it was, yeah. Now not so much. Because Miley doesn't really even talk to her parents, for all accounts, right?

Talks to her mum. Sorry, dad. She was a bridesmaid at her mum's wedding, but doesn't talk to her dad. But also, side note, talking about that wedding now, the caker in New Zealand made that cake for Miley Cyrus' mum's wedding. Really? Yeah.

She made a beautiful cake for that wedding. That's awesome, eh? She's incredible. Jordan Rondell, the caker. She told a story about how Miley wanted a cake for her birthday. Yeah. I think she phoned her and she's like, I need a cake this afternoon. She's like, what?

Yeah, yeah. She just did it. Crazy. She took the cake? Yeah, good on her. Good on her. We've moved swiftly along to wedding cakes. We've gone's like, what? Yeah. She just did it. Crazy. She took the cake? Yeah, good on her. Good on her. We've moved swiftly along to wedding cakes.

We've gone wholesome, eh? Actually, we started at a nasty place and we got to wedding cakes. Maybe it's reverse engineered it. Did you get a wedding cake? Did you have a wedding cake at your wedding?

Which one? I had two. Two wedding cakes. We didn't have one because I'm not a cake person. I was kind of like, do we need to have one? No.

We didn't have one. No, we had a carver, not a carver bowl, we of like Do we need that one? No So we had a No we had a carver No not a carver bowl We had like a It's a punch bowl Sort of thing And it was like People can like

Help yourself to an alcohol It was like an alcoholic bowl You know it was punch I did that instead of a cake So people can have it Help yourself to that If you wanted it It's just a dessert right?

But no one has it for dessert It seemed like In a lot of weddings You go Nah it's a waste of cake A lot of the time Yeah Ends up in a food fight

Yeah Yeah We were eating cake For a of the time. It ends up in a food fight. Yeah. We were eating cake for a very long time. Yeah. Did you do that thing where you put disposable cameras on the tables and get the guests to take photos? No. Yeah. That was a popular trend before cell phones.

Well, not before cell phones. Before, you know, the camera phone technology had accelerated to where it is now. But you'd leave a disposable camera on a table and trust the old grunter who you've invited along from the rugby club to take a lovely photo, but he just goes and takes one of his nuts. That's what I was going to say.

I think I went to a radio person's wedding and they did that and it was just penises. And then you had to go down to the mall and get them printed out. And they're like, where is this? That was a long process, eh, to get photos. I was telling that to the kids the other day and they were like, oh is this? That was a long process, eh, to get photos. I was telling that to the kids the other day. And they were like, oh, this is a boring story.

But I was like, we would go and you'd take it. And there was fast places that would do it like in an hour or two hours. You're like, pay a bit more, but they'd get your photos back in an hour. And it's blurry and you look like shit. But hey, that's the photo you have from the night. You never think about it. Yeah, it was a wild time. That was it.

Sunlight and sunlight would be blasting into the camera. One shot to take a good photo. Mum would get it and bang, there it was. Why did you only ever take one picture? There's more photos. Like, take a few. But there was only 24 or whatever in the thing. And it cost so much money.

Mum was like, oh, we're just going to get one. We have one opportunity for this one. Then you get the thingy. Oh, shit, shit, shit. Oh, that one's okay. oh that one's okay you know you keep about four photos from the whole thing your trip to australia come back with like four photos to show everyone now you're like i'll take a burst of like 19 photos in one second yeah r.i peter kodak hey that bloody yeah they would have got all the photo printing places just overnight they're Gone. Industry has changed so much. Now you take too many photos, I think.

I know. We're photographing too much stuff. Like, with one image, you can do a burst of 20, and you never get around to deleting them. Oh, yeah. I think we need to pull back on filming and photographing. There's an app that you can get, isn't there, that cleans up all the bursts and stuff.

It just picks the best one. Oh, that's handy. Does it? Yeah, but I can't be bothered down yeah i've got so much yeah like and you're just i need to go through and clear it but it's one of those jobs you just don't want to do yeah go through when we're old and wrinkly and at the rest time we're going to go through literally millions of photos that's a good idea and then you can go around i'll save that till then it's all the rhyming yeah clear out the old photo string You're right So look at this one for example My daughter

She's in an over thing On the motorway An overpass She's like Take some photos of me And then it's just like 30 photos of her Wait no she's doing a high kick

Doing the splits Maybe that's her hair Looking at it Beautiful So many Just pick one Just pick one My daughter

Yeah same They'll grab the phone They'll take a 0.5 of their hair I'm like I'm not going to keep that Why are you doing that On my phone What's kids in the 0.5 Then she's like I'll take one of you So I've taken 30 of her She's like I'll take the phone, they'll take a 0.5 of their hair. I'm like, I'm not going to keep that. Why are you doing that on my phone? What's cats in the 0.5, eh?

Then she's like, I'll take one of you. So I've taken 30 of hers. She's like, I'll take one of you. I'll get one average one. And then it's back to the old Elizabeth. Oh, it was literally one of you. There we go. But she was funny the other day.

Went to the zoo. Documented the whole thing on camera. And it's just girls on school trips. They're just screaming at the animals going so cute oh and there's the whole MP video Mr Campbell

come look at this Mr Campbell look how cute the tiger is I should do a montage of it when we're back yeah it was better than my kids first trip to the zoo

last weekend they literally went no no didn't want to go no it was like there's a lion

no just scared of all the animals. I was like, I'm so glad we're here. Oh, they'll come round. They'll come round. And that's today's episode of the Wild Wild Web.