Jordan, Jesse, GO! - 640: Deer Chaperone with Cristela Alonzo and Eliza Skinner

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

Cristela Alonzo (To Be Continued Podcast, Music to My Years memoir) and Eliza Skinner (Cool Playlist podcast, Outbreakdown podcast) join Jordan for a discussion of Cristela's new status as a bellionaire in Animal Crossing, Eliza's very real canceling at the merciless hands of Iggy Azaelia stans, and the matching space suits Cristela and her brothers have. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. This is Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective Jesse Thorne, out this week dealing with some family issues. But luckily, I have two fan favorite returning JJ Go heavy hitters with me here today. The first, a stand-up comedian, an author, an actress, many other things, a long, very impressive resume, single-spaced, Cristela Alonso. Cristela, how are you? I'm doing great.

I actually didn't know who you were going to intro first. I just realized the other guest has a very similar resume. That's right. Our other guest, Larry, the cable guy. Hey, Larry. I should say our other guest, also a stand up comedian, a writer, another very good resume, but different than Crisella's in ways that aren't better or worse, just different. Eliza Skinner. Eliza, welcome back to the show. Thank you. I'm so glad to be back. And I would say that, yeah, I also was not totally sure who you were introducing first.

But once you said author, I was like, oh, that's a more classy word for writer. She gets that. It's got to be Christella, not me. Christella's an author and you're a writer. If you'd been like word slanger, then I would have been like, oh, yeah, that's me. That's more of like a tractor pull sort of way of saying writer. Tippity typer. Oh, yeah.

Also small and twee kind of word for writing. Yes, that would have been me also. But the legit one, that's Christella. So we have a lot to talk about on this show, on this episode. Do we? I feel like it's been a slow week. Yeah, let's get into it.

Have you guys watched Bloodshot on VOD, starring Vin Diesel? how many times uh listen i only want to hear your opinion if you've seen it at least twice because it's a very nuanced film and there's just not things you're gonna get on the first watch thank you a lot of podcast hosts would be scared to lay it out that honestly right at the jump. And they'd try to trap people. I'm honest. I'm real. I'm raw. When it comes to my boy bloodshot. I have not seen bloodshot. My boy bloodshot.

Neither have I. I have a neither. I watched that Epstein documentary, but no. Oh, it's a different kind of bloodshot. Vin Diesel also very prominent in that. Actually, no, he's legit one of the good ones. I think Vin Diesel is probably a real good dude. I think he's trapped in the legacy of Vin Diesel. Yeah.

I said Vin Diesel as though he is a Vin diagram of Diesel attributes, which maybe is how he feels. You majored in my genre right now. Where the Vin diagram of man and steak intersect. And car. And car. It's man and machine

but not like in a Robocop way, like in a best friends way. Right. I kind of feel like he would be in an 80s show the the jock that he like had to learn how to read in high school yeah oh they're like a he could definitely slip into that um that footloose montage where he's learning how to dance yes yes yes you know what is that god please vin diesel start doing those kinds of movies i want to see that i feel feel like he would be so excited. That's what I mean.

I think he's trapped in the Vin Diesel of it all. I think he wants to fly free and make his own Footloose. And if you would like to contact the three of us to write it for you, Vin, we will. This is a great cross section. We'll hit the quadrants. Vin, all we need is a two hour coked out Zoom session and we will write your movie that will redefine you in the eyes of the movie going public. Yes, exactly.

Just send us each our own kit of Coke and tab and our own little bark boxes for writers. And we'll open them together on Zoom. Wait, can I pick my own discontinued soda? No. It doesn't have to be tab. No, it's tab. Come on. This is the new era.

It's tab. Sorry. We're the tab generation. Yeah. Get into it. Ah! So one of the many things I want to talk about on today's program, this first thing is a question for Christella. Damn it.

I want to. I want to. Sorry. You'll just have to wait. No, I'm excited for the answer. Christella, I want to confirm something that I saw on social media. Vin Diesel. Do you. Oh, OK. Thank you. Do you... Oh, okay, good.

Thank you. That's what I was going to ask. Was it the imaginary boyfriend question? No, what's that? Oh, who's her imaginary boyfriend? And it's obviously Vin Diesel. Oh, yeah. He lives in Canada.

Oh, my God. Eliza, I wish I could tell you who my imaginary boyfriend is, but I think you would judge me hardcore for it. Like, I'm better than that you know what i mean well now you have to tell me no judgment zone i i can't can we guess is it matthew mcconaughey no man that's an even better one but it's also one that you're better than is it one of the guys from the Sonic commercials? Whoa.

I don't know. I'm just guessing. Have you been reading my journal? I'm guessing random hunks. No, I'll tell you guys later. He's kind of, in a weird way, he's somewhat attainable. And I don't want to put it out there.

Alright, it's Cole Sprouse. And I don't want to put it out there. All right. It's Cole Sprouse. I got it. Wallace Shawn. Christella, do you own a space suit? Yes, I do. I own a space suit. So I saw some videos of you online wearing a space suit. Videos that you posted, I should say. These aren't on some illicit window shades.

Her spacesuits shots got leaked. Yeah. Somebody got some, a hacker got a hold of her phone. Let that Kardashian money come. Sure. Yeah. It all started with some leaked spacesuit

photos. Exactly. I have some, but they're all on my OnlyFans. She's collecting those Gamma Ray J's from the sun. I don't know. I'm sorry. That was bad. I shouldn't have interrupted. No, that absolutely... Eliza, that works. Brian, print it.

No, don't, don't. Stop the presses. Stop the presses. I'm sorry, go ahead. So, Christella, tell us how you got the spacesuit, when you put on the spacesuit. I just want, I just need some more information. Okay, so I bought the spacesuit years ago, right after I saw, I guess, the second or third space shuttle I went to visit. I'm really into space exploration.

Space is cool. Good. I'm so glad that it wasn't like I'm really into bear hunting, but I fucked up and bought the wrong outfit. And I was like, an investment is an investment. We stick with it. Yeah. Right. You're like, I bought it after I went to the San Diego Wild Animal Park. And I wanted to be as confusing as possible while I was there.

It was this thing. Remember, like in the 80s, space was really popular. Space was hot shit when we were growing up. I mean, we had space camp. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Space ice cream.

Yes. Yes. The dip and dots. the ice cream of the future. So I was obsessed with it. I bought it a couple years ago at a museum, and I was with my two older brothers, and my brothers are such terrible enablers. I showed them the outfit, and my brothers are like, oh, yes, yes. and i thought they were joking

and then they asked me to ask if there were some in their size so we all bought spacesuits you guys have matching spacesuits oh that's adorable tell me that's been a christmas card photo please we're waiting for you to say yes no not yet not yet not yet we we don't do christmas cards we only know each other so it's really kind of like hey merry christmas still feels like it's worth it take the picture together send it to each other there you go you know what's funny the night that we bought the suits we actually went back to our hotel rooms and we changed into them and we hung out in one of our rooms the entire night wearing it but i so i wear it obviously when any launches happen obviously or anything but also when i'm watching like a sci-fi movie

of any era yeah usually of any era like i'll wear it with the Star Treks from, like, the William Shatner Star Trek. You want to be in uniform for a Star Trek, yeah. Yeah, and you know, I would have, I want to have a Star Trek jumpsuit, but I think that's too much. Next generation? You know what? I think if you have a space suit. I absolutely don't think it is too much. Again, are we saying next generation jumpsuits?

Yes, TNG. I feel like they're really flattering and forgiving. I think they'll probably be hot. There were girls who came to my high school wearing them. Girls in my high school who would come to school wearing them. Right. And I loved them. They were both pale as a sheet of typing paper,

like just like white from the roots of their hair to the tips, like that white, white blonde with like white lashes. And they didn't talk to anyone else but each other, but they would come to school and, oh, and they were like a little bit smaller than everybody. Like they were just like younger and bizarre. And they would come to school in their next generation outfits and i would be like shine like a diamond you weirdos i fucking love it i love it yes are you like not even trying to be cool or fit in just like leaning into what they love god i love them have you

kept tabs on the star trek twins do you know where they are now no no one of them was named grace and the other one god what was it was like it was you know you know like in school when you have those two names they're like hooked together like those two friends that hang out all the time like grace and mary or something right yeah i can't remember what the other one was yeah um but no i haven't they're in virginia so hopefully um they are uh doing well and fucking shit up someplace uh christelle how does this is the spacesuit comfortable how does it breathe you know it's funny um everybody loves the spacesuit when they see it they think it's better quality than

what it would look like just hanging on a hanger. I'm just saying I wear it well. Like, it wouldn't look as good on someone else is what we're saying. Someone else would be like, that's cheap trash. On Cristela, you're like, is it couture? I mean, is this your Met Gala outfit? Oh, sure.

J-Lo. No, but, you know, it's nylon. So it's like you're wearing a windbreaker. So, yeah, but it's not that bad. You know, you know, it's... You just can't wear it in the sun. Oh, yeah, no, I'm not. I actually, I wore it...

You wear it on the moon, Eliza, the opposite of the sun. Oh, boy. I didn't say on the sun. I said in the sun. We have fun on the show. Brian, print it. Yeah, that one can go. I had to do an interview as a favor for a friend of mine who's trying to do this proof of concept for science news.

of mine who's trying to do this proof of concept for like uh yeah you know science news and i decided to show up to the interview uh in my spacesuit and which like she loved and you know i thought it was so funny and we did the interview and she loved it and then on my way home i had to stop at the grocery store and i just decided to go and stop in my spacesuit. And then I found out I needed gas, so I had to put gas in my spacesuit. So you had to do errands. So you had a whole thing of errands to do. Did anybody give you any side eyes? Holy shit, it's an astronaut.

Any of that shit? I had a couple pictures taken it's like that thing where but then i thought well you people probably thought that i was just being very like covet 19 you know socially distant and everything so i don't know like i live in a space station now that's how distant i am i do not live on earth anymore i sometimes beam back down to go to Ralph's. I mean, you got to. You got to.

They don't have the good stuff in space. Those club cards. The club card is always valuable. You get some great discounts with that. I like the bakery item. Yeah, great bakery at Ralphalph's very good bakery um anyway um so so actually i i i'll i'll stop the episode right now to voice a little bit of concern i mean eliza you're a you're a you're a fan favorite guest i mean people always always

love it when you're on the show and you know i know, I don't, I don't want to say like, you're not welcome back anymore or anything, but you were, I just, I want to look out for us and for the, you know, for the enterprise, you were actually telling us that maybe you've been canceled. I am canceled. Yeah. And if that's the case, I don't know. I've been 100% canceled. So, so I mean, if, if if it if it turns out you have been canceled we will delete this uh what we've recorded so far and well yeah i wouldn't want to

sully the jordan jesse go name thank you yes with my cancellation so so yeah tell us about tell tell us about the the circumstances of your canceling and then I can make a decision you know what to do about our well affiliation okay so yesterday um which was Saturday uh I you know I was mostly trying to amplify other voices and and and tweet information yeah I should say I don't know exactly when we're going to drop this episode but um but I think okay the weekend we're recording this uh are kind of the weekend of all the um the the demonstrations and all of the intensity in big cities around the world. Yeah. So it was particularly intense in L.A., the protests and the police response and all that stuff. So, yeah, a lot of people, you know, donating, tweeting stuff about how to support protesters and the like. And that was mostly what i was doing but um as i'm sure the two of you know when even when you're getting serious on the twitter from

time to time you just you just gotta burst that bubble and and and and poke in a little a yuck you gotta throw in a little teehee a little party har har right and i wrote um if you see unknown white people at your protest casually mention that iggy Azalea is the greatest rapper alive to check to see if they're narcs. Solid joke. Thank you. But it was found by an Iggy Azalea stan who was like, oh. And I call them an Iggy Azalea stand because that's what they call themselves. And they were like, oh, bitch, you're going down now. We're coming for you. And I believe they

said, Azaleas, let's ride. Azaleas? Yeah, I think they call themselves either Azaleas or Zaleas or something, whatever. But yeah, they keep like taking photos of me like first of all they had to scroll way back in my instagram to find a photo of me you know without makeup on looking less than gorgeous and um posted that and they were like this is who we're canceling you're canceled bitch and then they've like just been heaping all this shit on me like you ugly bitch you are like you need to get a job you're the worst person in the world um and plus you're jealous and get iggy's dick out of your mouth and i'm like there's a lot of different ways that you guys are that that you're exploring right now yeah um this is just going this is

zigging and zagging um all in in one tweet but the thing is like it's like one person over and over cutting and pasting these into different accounts or even if it was like all different individuals it's like maybe 12 different accounts okay and so i like at first i was kind of playing with them and being like oh no, no, I'm so wounded. So you question the numbers of the Xelius. I do. But also, I'm like, like, it's a really mild joke. Like, you could even take that as maybe the Narcs are the ones who don't recognize that Iggy's great, you know?

I was going to say, initially,, like you take it as a compliment, right? Like, I don't understand. Like, well, one of the mean things they said to me was like, okay,

if you're, if you see unknown white people at your protest, casually mentioned that Eliza Skinner is a, is the greatest person alive to check to see if they're narcs. And I was like, cool. Thank you. The greatest person.

I didn't even look into what your job is just person yeah oh it's that's the thing like and they're like maybe you should be doing something instead of spending all day tweeting about iggy and i'm like it's literally one and i've been doing something all day and they were and oh man like the one that really got me was like, you need surgery. Look at all these, look at how ugly you are. And they picked like just gorgeous photos of me, like, like really good photos of me. And I'm like, I, I don't know. Like, there's definitely ways to get me. There's stuff that like, I am. Look how the light dapples off your eyes. I'm sorry. A stranger saying that I am unattractive. Like, I'm just not. Guys, I'm not. Like, I don't walk around being like, I'm hotter than you, hotter than you, hotter than you.

Like, that's not me. But also, if someone's like, you are an unattractive person, I'm like, that's just a lie. It's just not true. Like, find something else to come at me with. Like, say I'm a bad girlfriend. I'll be like, shit, they fucking nailed me. I don't listen to a lot of like pop hip-hop type music so i definitely kind of know iggy azalea as like i know she's famous i know you know that she kind

of has a punchline associated with her the only like thing that comes to mind when i think of iggy azalea is a viral video i saw once of her freestyling yes and i think it was on um oh fuck that uh uh the breakfast club the morning show right yeah the breakfast was like charlamagne show who knows charlamagne and not breakfast club what the fuck is wrong with me and she she she is is is freestyling with a lot of force but you cannot understand what she is saying at all. Well, also, it's not freestyling. It's that twisting of the concept of freestyling where it's like, oh, these are the bars

that I have memorized, and I can do over whatever track. You're not actually making them up. The only thing I remember from the video is her going, papa poo now? And so every time anyone brings up Iggy azalea i think papa poo now it's like it's just stuck in my brain i'll just remember that until my deathbed well it's also fun to me because like when you brought this up i real quick went on twitter and

like looked up my name iggy to like find the actual tweet um and i have so many much meaner jokes about iggy azalea that they like never bothered with man over the year my i have some like in in 2014 i said i bet sharks find iggy azalea's eyes chilling wow papa poo now i'm just gonna punctuate everything with that in 2016 i said iggy azalea is playing the LA County Fair tonight. It's like when you show up early for a gig, but 20 years early. Papa Poo now? Works. 2015, I just woke up from a nap.

Iggy Azalea, was that a real thing? The closest experience I've had to this, as I had a similar set of stans descend on me maybe five or six years ago when I made a similarly benign joke about Lana Del Rey. Whoa. The Lana Del Rey people came at me in a very weird way. All of them either have Lana Del Rey as their avatar or Jack Skellington. It is one of the two. Jack Skellington, I feel like,

is the great uniter for all stans. Yeah. They're like, you don't get me. I'm different. I like Disney, but that one, okay? The spooky Disney that they only put up once a year. I'm very unique. And so the bond I have with the person i am a fan of is unlike anything

else uh speaking of uh getting together on twitter with other stans by the way hold on hold on okay i just want to go on record that i have no idea who this person is and i have been meeting the azalea the rapper chick i have been googling her while both of you have talked wow first things first were you asleep in 2014 that's the year i had my show she's the realist that's the year i had my show i was oh well then yeah you were yeah she was in production eliza i'm sorry yeah first First, she's the realist. She's so fancy. She's a white lady who was a rapper

and really leaned hard into sort of a generic rap patois. Oh. He's my favorite rapper. Despite being an Australian white lady. my favorite rapper despite being an australian white lady and um yeah she she eventually she got she got canceled pretty much she she sort of has disappeared um which is the other thing wow really people um yeah is there is there a similar christelle is there a similar um kind of reactionary vitriol in your Animal Crossing Twitter group that you told me you were a part of?

Okay, well, first of all, I don't understand. I don't understand. What do you mean? You mean my new family? Yo, oh wow. He's looking for the dirt of your Animal Crossing. Come on, you can't all be

hearts and roses and turnips. There's dark shit happening. People are selling each other cross. Come on. You can't all be hearts and roses and turnips. There's dark shit happening. People are selling each other out. Thank you. Someone's fucking Tom Nook. What's happening? Tom Nook is a Jeff Bezos of Animal Crossing. Well, and someone's sucking his dick.

That's what happens. Oh, yeah. You know Nook gets it wet. Nook gets domed, buddy. You know it. You know nook gets it wet nook gets dome buddy you know it you know nook gets dome look by any means necessary you want to rise up the ladder for animal crossing you do what you gotta do sure you play the game before the game plays you do you want a good exchange rate when you trade bells for wishes? I don't know. I don't know anything else about the game.

My polls are gone. It was that spooky bunny for a while. I don't know. Yeah. Christella, talk a little bit about where your Animal Crossing obsession is at, how you got it. And I guess I want to know, were you a video game person pre-Animal Crossing? Yes. I actually, this is, okay.

I play a lot of video games. My thing is, I really have to limit myself because I get obsessed with games, right? So I hadn't played a game like, you know, this amount of time. Like what I've devoted to Animal Crossing in a long time. And I realized we were on a lockdown, so I had nothing to do. So I had all this time to start doing Animal Crossing. I

bought the game when it came out. And I didn't, it took me about two months to start playing it. Just because I was worried at how obsessed I would become with it. And once I started playing it, I lost my fucking mind. Like, I lost my mind.

The whole game is about building an island, right? So basically, you get to gentrify an island that was... Wow, sounds pretty Epstein to me. I just, like, that's the only other place I'm hearing that narrative. I mean, look, but it's for kids. You build an island, you get Chris Tucker and Oprah on a plane. Yeah, yeah.

And it's fun for kids. Great. I love it. So I've become obsessed with it. I actually, I mentioned that I was playing it and a friend of mine added me to this Animal Crossing group that he had that he started. And then when I got into it, I was hooked. Like now we all help each other. Like we'll check in with each other to see what we have on our islands to see if we want to barter or sell or anything to each other. Like it's legit real. Oh, so you're like gaming the system.

You're like alliances like on a reality show. So the main deal, like the way that you get money is by selling turnips. Okay. Yeah. Just like the roses on Craigslist. I get it. Yes.

I get it. So every Sunday, this girl shows up on your island to sell you turnips. Oh, I bet she does. You know, I know. And she does look like the one we had. Yeah, she's giving Matt Groening a back rub. Yeah, she's got, he has gross feet, according to her. Foot rub, foot rub.

But, you know, you buy the turnips, and then you have a week to sell the turnips. It's the turnip exchange. So each day your island will sell turnips, will buy turnips at a different amount. So everybody in my group, we all kind of trade to see, we all check in with our turnip prices every day to see who has the highest one. And whoever has the highest one, we all go sell our turnips to that person. So sometimes I bought a turnip for 80 bells. Like I bought

a bunch of turnips for 80 bells each last week. Is that a good exchange rate? It's okay. But I sold it for 580. Holy shit. You're rolling in those cups. Whoa. Holy shit. You're rolling in those cups. You're making bells.

Yeah, bitch. I'm a bellionaire. That's what we call each other. Oh, boy. Oh, no. My way was better. My way was better. I mean, this week, everybody in my thread became millionaires because one of the days my island had it for like 500 something.

So now we're all rich. Instead of making it rain, you make it ding. Is that something? You know what? Brian, print it. I'm like obsessed with it. And now when I post pictures. Ding dong, motherfucker.

Okay, I'm sorry. We've moved on. We can come back to it though i'm obsessed there's not enough there i'm obsessed with it i've made my island into like i have a wrestling ring on there i can have like wrestling matches on it i created an amusement park on my island i mean it's legit i'm building a comedy club there oh wow okay so who's booking it is there a way for me to get some time um well you've already got some great bell material which i think yeah ding dong motherfucker yeah you got listen you gotta throw in some local stuff you guys you guys you guys ever

hanging out on your island and you're like why do i even have all these turnips right i don't even like turnips we've all sucked tom nook's dick right throw in some azalea stuff for no reason this would kill yeah man they would be they would be nuts for us and just just think, at the menu, you can have turnip fingers, or turnip wraps, turnip tots. Jenny Yang's doing a stand-up show

on her Animal Crossing game. Really? Is there a way to transmit your voice or text? I haven't learned it, but Jenny, I saw saw so she's like the travis scott of animal crossing yes yes don't do it i i swear she she's doing it if not tonight or tomorrow something there's like six comics on the lineup and you can actually

yes and the the show poster is actually like their Animal Crossing characters. It's amazing. Man, now I got to get a Twitch. Damn it. No, a Switch. It's a Switch. I don't know what you kids use. I have light switches. Will that do it?

I'm kidding. I'll bring you tater tots. Stay in the basement, kids. Get out, Mom. I'm leaving. Make the bagel bites. I'm going. I'll come back, though. I'm going to Make the bagel bites. I'm going. I'll come back, though.

I'm going to bring Totino's. Oh, you guys love Mom when she's got Totino's. Yeah, Mom's all right. Mom's cool. What's hilarious is that I actually bought Totino's today in my spin. Wow. Just like the astronauts eat. Oh, man. Imagine floating around a ship just eating Totino's out of the air.

Oh, man. That's the life. That's what I think space is like. That's what I totally think space is like. Definitely some Blue Danube stuff happening there. Yeah, no. No, you should check out the show poster. I'll have to send it to you because it's hilarious. She found a way to do it. And you don't even have to have Animal Crossing check out the show poster. I'll have to send it to you because it's hilarious. She found a way to do it. And you don't even have to have Animal Crossing to watch the show. Ooh.

Wow. Yeah, Eliza, have you thought about doing this? You're not too much of a video game person, right? I am not. No, I didn't play video games growing up. I begged desperately for all the consoles as they came out, and we were just not a video game house. So I just never really got the video game gene i always feel like it's like they say that if you start learning a language

before second grade you kind of like save a space in your brain for it so you can pick it back up but if you don't good luck learning another language and that's that's me and uh and video games i just i can play it for like play one for like a little bit and then I get bored and walk away. Some of those phone games, you know, like your Candy Crush. Yes. Your woodblock Tetris type things. Yeah, sure. Okay.

But they just don't grab me. Yeah, I love video games. I play a lot of video games but but animal crossing baffles me and the thing i can't get my brain around is i'm like there's no guy to kill at the end how do you how do you end it there's no big boss yeah i i mean i guess it's tom nook probably is there a way to slay nook and finish the game i hope so do you i'm sure, like, I feel, I feel like I talk about this so often

that I've probably talked to you guys about it before, but do you know about Perky Pat, Philip K. Dick's thing? It was in a lot of Philip K. Dick stories. I don't think so. So this was an element in a bunch of different Philip K. Dick short stories. I don't know if it made it into a novella or a novel,

but it was this thing he kept bringing back where people in post-apocalyptic worlds of different Philip K. Dick short stories. I don't know if it made it into a novella or a novel, but it was this thing he kept bringing back where people in post-apocalyptic worlds or like living on Mars or whatever, it was always in really destitute places, would have were obsessed with these Perky Pat dolls where you would collect the dolls and the play sets for them and the world for them and so rather than paying attention to where they actually were they were like focused on building their perky pat worlds and in one story they meet some of them meet people who uh they have like a different thing it's like like cute kelly or something that's not the word the name but they're and they're like fuck cute kelly cute kelly sucks perky pats oh the only one that matters. And with these games like this

where so much of it is about building your world and picking out your outfits and decorating and just getting it how you like to be but you're never actually there, I always think about Perky Pat and I'm always like, ooh, PKD. Calling it again. It's really cool, you guys it sounds cool i know i just mean it's like a place that you can exist kind of like you're

you kind of like like i i did i i was reading a book recently and it ended and i was like oh fuck i'm back in the real world now my fun book and oh same thing playing a role-playing game i'm doing this uh weekly role-playing game it's based on the um the alien world oh wow um yeah uh but yeah how did yeah how does that go down it's fun i mean it's i think it's like a game that's out there my friend andrew was like i'm gonna dm this game will you be in it and i was like, I'm going to DM this game. Will you be in it? And I was like, yeah, man, that sounds great. Because he knew I liked Alien. And so me and a bunch of other nerd dorks get together once a week on Zoom and do our little game. But then at the end of it, every time,

even if we've been like being, you know, burning in acid rain and, you know, attacked by aliens or just doing boring bureaucratic things. When it's over, I'm like, aw, shit, I'm back here. Dumb real world. I'm not in my, yeah, I'm not in my cool space adventure anymore. I don't have a clutch of eggs in my chest ready to burst out.

Yeah. Now I just have all these stupid masks I have to wear when I walk my dog. Yeah, stupid world. In the game, are you a space marine? Are you a salvager? Is it all kind of like stuff that's been in the movies? Well, it's just like the world. Like it's not the narratives of the movies.

So, so far we've been doing a bunch of different practice games. So we've been able to try out different characters and stuff. I've played as a Colonial Marshal, Colonial Marine. Most recently I played as a Kid Stowaway, which was a little bit, you know, it was a little bit difficult because you don't have as much resources. But you can also say cooler things so like the gameplay like the moves you can do not as cool but like you could just be a real sass mouth asshole which is fun you could yell at your mom for not bringing the totino yes exactly exactly um yeah it's super fun i think we're gonna stream them at some point but because you know when comedians do role-playing games you gotta let people watch you gotta let the people watch

do you guys uh do you guys rpg you guys are rpgers No, you know, actually, that is a, I am a fairly, you know, by the numbers standard nerd man in a lot of ways to the point of being, I would say, uninteresting. But I, that is a like gap in my standard nerd guy knowledge of like, that's just, I've never done an RPG. I've never done a Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, I just never have.

I don't quite, it's kind of like Animal Crossing. I don't really understand how it's played. Jordan, no offense, but you seem like someone that would be like the mayor of all of the games. Yes, it does. I agree with you. I'm disappointed in myself. It does seem like, and I think it probably would be my shit,

but yeah, it never made its way into my life in any kind of way, and I'm not resisting it. Yeah, were I to be invited to a D&D, I would gladly come to a D&D. Well, you don't call it a D&D. Maybe that's why people are not inviting me. That's like saying if i were if i were invited to a monopoly i would do the monopoly i would love to do the monopoly with you madame yeah um i would love to park a place in your boardwalk what are you talking about that line works that line works yeah i think i am a guy who you assume who you assume could do

could do a dnd and then he gets out his dj tables and fucking blows you away i dropped the fucking nasty bass like this guy was cool all along did you guys see the clip of david guetta i think i'm saying his name right uh remixing the martin luther king speech this week no yeah it was it was for healing well i well maybe that's why i'm not feeling healed as i haven't seen that yeah yeah you probably should he i am not i'm not a huge fan of his so i i can't really speak a whole lot about his um catalog but uh but yeah it was a bold move like behind it behind dj tables with like i guess he had a green screen or something because he had like floating background and was like all right yeah for everyone out there i know we're hurting

a lot but so here it is and then it was this uh martin luther king speech and him being like and then like goes into the song and it's like no that ain't it man that's not i mean i guess it's like everybody just like trying to to look in their own bag and being like what can i give i want to give some of my stuff to make things better but sometimes it's like oh that's not the thing that's the thing about dr king's words is that they're so powerful when you're on my yeah like when you're at a pool party in vegas you get it you know right exactly i tell you i a dream, and that's for a beat behind these fucking words. Yeah.

Bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, bwam, b Go in the chill out tent and heal. Maybe have some bananas and some water. We'll be back in just a minute with more Jordan, Jesse go. Hey guys, this is Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective here to share a jumbotron message from one of our fantastic listeners that went to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron because they wanted to share a message with you, the Jordan Jesse Goh listener. This is that message right now visit brick of chicago.com for virtual and audio architecture

tours and follow at brick of chicago on instagram this is a message from that person i'm an architecture historian and photographer obsessed with chicago's neighborhoods and brick architecture as brick of chicago i normally lead architecture walking tours, but during quarantine, I'm using Zoom and my photos to lead virtual architecture tours of brick architecture in Chicago and around the world. Voted one of the best architecture tours by Curbed Chicago and at Brick of Chicago, voted best Chicago Instagram by Chicago Reader. Wow, I sure said the words Chicago and brick a lot in that announcement. But man, that does sound like a great time. Brickofchicago.com.

Yeah, now that traveling's a little bit tougher, seems like you can go on a little virtual vacation from the comfort of your computer. Brickofchicago.com. Thank you very much for supporting Jordan, Jesse, Go. And if you want to support Jordan, Jesse, Go and share a message with our listeners, they are very affordable and you can get them at MaximumFun.org

slash Jumbotron. All right, back to the show. Short and Jesse Go, I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Christelle Alonzo. I forgot my nickname from last time. You do the same one? I make up a new one all the time. Oh, man. Okay, Eliza, you go first, and then I'll pick one.

Okay, I'll do it. Hey, it's Jordan Jessica. I'm Jordan. Hey, it's Eliza Skinner. No, now I'm on the spot! Fuck! I'm gonna retreat to one of the old ones. Eliza Skinner, clankety car. Help us, David old ones. Eliza Skinner, clankety car. Help us, David Guetta.

Eliza Skinner, clankety car. And I'm Christella Alonzo, the golden plated girl. Shit. Nice. Every week on the show, we like to reach deep into our phone call bag and pull out some delicious phone calls given to us by you, the listener. Did that make sense? Yum, yum, phone calls. Oh, I love a phone call. Yum, yum. More phone calls, mommy.

My tummy is empty. Put some phone calls in there. People who call us at 206-984-4FUN and leave us a message. Let's hear our first one. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Do. This is Josh calling from Wisconsin. I went to a wildlife

zoo today and I'm putting a baby deer right now. Hope you guys have a good day. Bye-bye. I'm fucking angry now. Yeah. Who is this motherfucker?

What is that shit? That's like calling up and being like, getting my dick sucked right now. Hope you're having fun. Bye. Like, great. Where's my deer? Yeah.

I don't understand how, like, he's holding a deer, and the first thing he thought was Man Jordan and Jesse need to hear about this I guess I bet he called a bunch of different podcasts I bet he was like dunking on everybody He was like hey Mark Maron what's up I got a deer in my hand click

Comptown you guys know about this deer Fuck you Hey Comptown do you guys take phone this deer? Fuck you! Hey Comptown, do you guys take phone calls? I don't know Hey Spoon Nation! Oh, you know that'll piss off the doughboys if you're petting a deer You know those assholes love to pet deers Y'all got a deer? Cause I do!

Click! Petting this deer is five quarts That's right. I ate him. I ate him after I pet him. Five forks. Oh my God. What a solid,

oh, I love that. How solid that. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how long this call's been sitting in the call bag, but yeah, who is this man?

Where does he live? Where he can go out to wild animal parks and just pet deers. Somewhere in Wisconsin. Maybe he broke in. Wisconsin oh yeah oh to live in wisconsin yeah man there's you know it's be we're reacting to this time differently all over the place my neighbor in the the house in front of me um her brother drove from maryland to california and like, yeah, there was just sort of no telling each place I stopped what the situation was going to be there. Like how locked down it was and what you were allowed to do and what you

weren't and how people would act about you being following the rules or not knowing them. So who knows, man, maybe Wisconsin is like masks all the time. No touching people. Everybody has to have a deer with masks all the time no touching people everybody has to have a deer with them all the time and sleep i shall not yes thank you such a beautiful verse oh my god yep a large prayer uh yeah it works a little better if it's big it works works for me uh bride we got another phone call in there hey jordan jesse go this is hannah with a momentous occasion i just watched my cat fozzie eat a lizard. It of course intervened, saving both halves of the

lizard. I took them outside to regenerate or rejoin. Both halves were still moving, so there's hope. Then I called my mother to tell her what had just happened. And she responded by telling me that our dog had just gotten into a fight with a bear while out on a run. So what up 2020? Nature is healing. Nature is healing. Beautiful.

Oh man. Like that's a lot of science and a lot of stuff happening all at once. What a day. Yeah. I don't know that's how lizards work. I was about to say the exact same thing. I don't want to shit on her hope, and I guess she has her answer by now. But yeah, you can't grow a full lizard from any old part of a lizard.

That's not... You guys, I thought it was... If their tail snaps off... I thought I had been absent that day of school. I'm like, wow. What did I miss? Yeah. That is not how lizards reproduce.

Christella, you've been growing lettuce from other lettuce, though, right? Yes, I have. I've been doing it. How does that work? Basically, I bought an organic romaine lettuce because that's all they had left. And I ate a salad and I kept the little stump after you chop it. And then I put it in a container, just a little plastic bowl. I filled it with water so that the stump would get the water, but it wouldn't overfill.

I'm not drowning it. And within a week, it was already growing a lot. So it grows. You get like a whole new head of lettuce, pretty much. I'm doing that with spring onions. Ooh. That's a fun tip. Yeah, so you can just take some scissors and snip off the green parts,

snip them down and put them on whatever you're eating, but then keep, you know, about an inch of the white part in a little cup of water. And they grow super fast. Yeah, it's amazing. I was doing the same thing with lizards and it just not working. I'm disemboweling them with a pair of, you know, kitchen scissors. No, you have to keep at least an inch. It won't grow.

You need an inch of lizard intact. I was very confused by that. I'm glad I wasn't dumb. Yeah. Okay. We don't want the lizard to die. We wish the lizard well, and if it grows into two new lizards, that's great. We don't think that's how it will go down but we want i want that to be the case yeah the the way it works

is that a lizard's like if their tail snaps off which happens they're they're sort of snap offable sure for this so like if a cat catches a lizard's tail the lizard will be like oh fuck you and like wriggle out of it you know like it's like a pair of jeans, the lizard will be like, oop, fuck you, and like wriggle out of it. You know, like it's like a pair of jeans. I mean, not quite, but like same sort of thing. If somebody had like grabbed your jeans and you were like, oops, I'm naked now. You don't have nothing. It's like that.

And then he'll go off with his little tailless butt and grow a new tail. But it can't be like a full on half of a lizard. But it can't be like a full on half of a lizard. So for our next phone call, this will require a little bit of explanation for Christella and Eliza. And this is something it's because we're women. Yeah. I mean, no, but you're very brave and I don't mean to and I love killing yeah please mansplain the bit to us Jordan I mean

do you know about the Walton Goggins vodka bit I mean no we know I'm sure why would you assume that we would there's absolutely no way we would right right because we're women I don't know please tell me an Apple album is great I love it

cutters i got dragged for that one too no no eliza you can't start you can't go after our queens no i was not understanding it um and i uh i'm i'm a naughty bad little baby is all it is. Oh, I remember that one. I remember that tweet. Yeah, yeah. That one made it on Reddit. I was gatekeeping Fiona Apple from men. Yes.

Or that's what they said. Yes. Well, I'm not, I think you were both very brave and I wanted to let you in on this bit so you can effectively go. So here's the bit. I saw, I was in a store and i saw that the actor walton goggins had his own vodka i made up a little song that goes like this walton goggins

has a vodka walton goggins has a vodka walton goggins has a vodka goggins has a vodka walton goggins anyway that was the song. It became a huge hit. It inspired America to record their own Walton Goggins vodka theme songs. We've gotten them in a variety of genres. Are they remixes of this or are they complete originals? These are complete originals. A lot of them are parodies.

We've started to get a few originals, but we had one to the tune of Zoot Suit Riot, Walton Goggins vodka, that sort of thing. Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. Oh, wow. A lot of good stuff. So, yeah, apparently these people are going insane because they don't live in Wisconsinisconsin where they can freely pet deers so um so people have been recording walton goggins vodka theme songs and sent and they've been sending them into us uh brian do you want to play the uh latest entry My cocktails are like luster.

They're barely passing muster. Recipe needs adjusting. With liquors I can trust in. Healthy. This drink is on the dull side Help me I feel so unfulfilled Help me The only thing that works for me

Is something that an actor distilled I want a vodka that's artisanal This is the spirit that I've tried I want a vodka that's artisanal. The smoothest spirit that I've tried. It makes a cocktail that's incredible. I'm on my knees thanking God for that vodka from Walton Goss! Outro Music Wow. Wow. That was pretty amazing.

Yes. Wow. Thank you so much to Trent Reznor. Trent Reznor himself re-recording one of his most famous Nine Inch Nails hits. If you have a Walton Goggins song, you can email it to us, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. And if you have a momentous occasion, a moment of shame, something else that you would like us to play on the show, 206-984-4FUN. We'll be right back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. We are the host of My Brother, My Brother and Me.

And now nearly 10 years into our podcast, the secret can be revealed. All the clues are in place and the world's greatest treasure hunt can now begin. Embedded in each episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me is a micro clue that will lead you to 14 precious gemstones all around this big, beautiful blue world of ours. So start combing through the episodes. Let's say starting at episode 101 on. Yeah, the early episodes are pretty problematic, so there's no clues in those episodes. No, no, not at all. The better ones, the good ones,

clues ahoy. Listen to every episode repeatedly in sequence. Laugh if you must, but mainly get all the great clues. My Brother, My Brother and Me, it's an advice show, kind of, but a treasure hunt mainly. Anywhere you find podcasts or treasure maps. My brother

and my brother and me. The hunt is on! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Listen, I'm a hot shot Hollywood movie producer. You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea. Go. Alright, it's called

Who Shot Ya? A movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. I'm Ify Whiteyway, the new host of the show and a certified BBN. BBN? Buff Black Nerd. I'm Alonzo Doraldi, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies. I'm Drea Clark, a loud white

lady from Minnesota. Each week we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. It's like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner meets Cruising. And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode. I'm sorry, this is a podcast. I'm a movie producer. How did you get in here?

Iffy, quick, start flexing. Bicep, lats, chest. Who Shot Ya? Dropping every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you listen to podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Eliza Skinner, clankety car. And Cristela Alonzo, golden plated girl.

Two pros here with us on the show today uh oh uh our producer sunny d uh let me know during the break that um the poop poop cheep poop poop cheep that you heard uh was our guest uh a few weeks ago helen hong doing some beatboxing uh so that was the beatbox skills of helen hong you heard there track so way to go i knew knew of so many of Helen's talents and didn't even know that beatboxing was among them. Yeah. She's a multi-hyphenate, I think. Yeah. Comedian, actor, host, beatboxer.

Helen Hong, she does it all. So yeah, thank you very much. Yeah, let's incorporate more audio from the show into your goggins songs that's always a lot of fun um speaking of multi-hyphenates uh cristela alonso you not only have a book out that people can purchase it's called music to my years it's a humorous memoir yeah i have read it myself and it is hilarious. It is heartfelt. It's harrowing in some places. It's a really, really great read. And you are very, very funny, but also very, very insightful. I recommend people pick it up, Music to My Years. Thank you. You also have a podcast

that you maybe weren't doing for a while, but have started doing again. Yes. Look, I am in awe of you guys. How long have you been doing the podcast? 72 years. It's insane. For me, podcasting is such a foreign medium that I started doing a podcast in 2016, but I had no way to see if anybody was listening to them. So it was overwhelming. So I just started thinking, who's listening?

So I would stop. And then with the lockdown, I decided to just do it on a weekly basis. And it turns out that people listen to it. Yeah, it turns out when people like it, when hilarious people do podcasts. My running joke has always been that I have four listeners. So when I post a new episode, you know, people will be like, Oh, I'm listener number five, or I'm one of the four, blah, blah. And it turns out that people listen to it. It blew my mind. Yeah, that's amazing. Do you, now, how much of the podcast is Animal Crossing tips, turn up pricing, that sort of thing? Yeah, like, will we understand it as non-Animal Crossers?

I'm not kidding. In the past couple episodes i have talked about the people deserve to know um the the podcast is called uh to be continued with cristal alonso and it's basically like 45 to an hour it's just me talking uh talking's great just you just me whoa yeah how do you prepare for that yeah what you need is what you need is another guy you went to college with i just feel like every time like because have you have you guys done any of those zoom shows no i've watched a couple of zoom shows i haven't like performed on any stand-up how are they like that but they are weird and the first one that I did, there was, I couldn't hear myself.

Because, like, you know, when we record these things, we don't get ourselves in our own headphones. Like, I mean, I assume you guys aren't hearing yourself. I'm not hearing myself. But so you're not hearing yourself, but you're hearing everybody else. But you also are not hearing any laughter. So once it's like, all right, here's Eliza. It was just me looking at my computer which had me on it talking to silence and i was like okay i can do it you know you know when you're like dog paddling

when you're not getting much from a crowd and you're like staying above the water you're like it's okay it's okay i'll get them i'll get them and i just there was no way of knowing if anyone if i had and so i just i totally melted down and unraveled and i was like this feels like insanity i feel like i'm losing my mind alone in a room and wasn't there wasn't there some sort of like web video series or something that made comics there was without an audience yes um And the premise of this is watch them go insane. Yeah, like even... What? Yeah. They would do it

in a live theater and lock somebody away and give them noise-canceling headphones in a green room nearby the theater and then project them onto the screen

in the theater. So the audience was laughing, but they couldn't hear any of the laughter. Oh my God. And so they had no idea. And that's what the Zoom shows are like.

So when you said that your show is just you talking for an hour, that's immediately what I thought of. And I was like, oh, if that was me within three minutes, I'd be like, I am crazy. I don't know what things are. I'm sorry what I said about Iggy Azalea. I didn't mean it. Where is the line between me and Iggy Azalea?

Are we not all one, Azalea? No, you know, I do it by myself, and it's so weird. You know what's funny is that I'm actually glad that you mentioned that. I'm doing a corporate gig. Oh, boy. Check this out. Yes. So it's online. Oh, boy. Here this out. Yes. So it's online.

Oh boy. Here's the thing. I'm pre-recording my standup. So you're just making a special for them. It's 20 minutes. And I'm supposed to use a mic. Okay. Like for,

for a visual thing or for, for sound, like does it need to be for sound, but I need to hold it. It's one of those- They're like, we want you to look like you're doing standup. Yes, a little bit of both. So it's 20- Stand in front of a brick wall.

It's 20 minutes of standup and it's just me to my iPhone in my apartment. Wow. So I'm worried with no laughter, no anything, 20 minutes is really going to be longer than 20 minutes. You know what I mean? And I have to do that tomorrow. Jeez. Have you thought about having just someone on another line with a button that they can push to make a studio audience from married with children laugh or something? I did another another i did another zoom show

the other day and just the host was still live or actually this was a whatever a facetime show or something but um the the host was live and just having one person laughing is like eight million times better than having absolutely nothing i bet right of course i mean i i yeah i we were I bet. like like i'm normal you know but you do you know sounds like you do the podcast you you're you're practicing with just the kind of solo monologue wow yeah that's that's good that's a good point jordan um eliza skinner uh you have uh many cool uh projects that people can uh check out when they're uh poking around online for entertainments yeah uh you have a podcast yourself yeah i've got well i have two i've got um cool playlist which i haven't uh done a new episode for for a while but we're trying to figure out how to do those um and a new podcast called out break down with aaron and eliza which is my

friend aaron whitehead and i just just talking once a week trying to check in during this weird time um and i'm also singing a jingle for uh uh uh what drink goggins rum drink goggins rum drink goggins rum the Goggins rum that is, um, no, I also have an album coming out. I don't have a date yet, but it's called, uh, regarding my lovers and it should be up.

And this is an album of music. Uh, it's both. It's standup comedy. It's, uh, uh, a show from,

uh, that I did in, in Vermont. And then the second side is yeah, songs. Original songs. Nice! Thank you. It's a little ways down the road, but you were the head writer

of a very fun show that I worked on called Earth to Ned. It's coming soon to Disney+. Yes. Yeah, it was a goddamn blast. It's such a cool show. I can't wait for people thank you yeah and christella is on it too yeah um yeah yeah uh well you know i try i try to keep the people that i know are funny and um remarkable in as many uh projects that i'm involved in as possible so this

is uh it's gonna be on disney plus it's from the people at Henson. There are giant puppets. There are celebrities. It's really fun. Yeah, it's a late-night talk show hosted by aliens. The thing is with Disney+, since it's so huge, we had to not only finish the show, but then translate it into like, I can't even remember, like 22 languages, 30 languages? Oh, wow.

Yeah, so that's taking a long time. So if you want to watch the show in Tagalog. Yeah, you're going to be able to. See? Wow. Yeah, that was a blast, and that'll be on Disney Plus at some point. You can quote me on that.

Eventually. Should we as a species still exist through the end of the year, it'll be out. Well, thank you so much for tuning in to Jordan, Jesse Goh. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, who has been really working his butt off to bring you these socially distant shows.

They're way more work than our normal show and he's doing a great job. So huge thanks to Sonny D. Fernandez. And yeah, our theme song is Love You by The Free Design. You can discuss the show on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com and hashtag the show JJ Go if you want to talk about it on Twitter.

That is it. Good vibes and good thoughts to Jesse Thorne and his family. They're going through some medical stuff right now and we hope he will be back here ASAP. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.