Jordan, Jesse, GO! - 800th Episode Extravaganza, with Katrina Davis

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

Comedian Katrina Davis visits studio to celebrate 800 episodes of JJGo! - complete with stories, summer boi activities, and special guests. Come see Jordan, Jesse, Go! live at the London Podcast Festival in London, England at on September 14th. Buy tickets now at MaximumFun.org/events.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now Jordan, I know that you as yet have no heir. I know that you've been working on getting an heir. Otherwise who's going to live in the fucking castle. Because of the, you know, labor issues going on in Tinseltown, I am no longer doing my catchphrase.

I'm sorry. Oh, that's fine. No, I wouldn't expect you to cross. I could tell you were setting me up for a certain catchphrase that people have grown to love. Look, I just... It might be getting a little annoying at this point. No, I just want people to know at home, obviously, that Jordan

is a union man through and through. Thank you, thank you. A member of the Writers Guild of America. Are you also a SAG member? I'm a SAG member. Also a member of SAG. Haven't acted on screen in some time. But, of course, best known for your work in All About Steve, starring the great Sandy Bullock.

Yes. And, of course, Jordan Morris. We've got to do another project together when all this is over. You know what? There's nothing stopping the two of you from heading down to the Four Seasons and taking lunch. Can I recommend that to you? And we can do some very general spitballing.

I don't think anybody's... I'll have Sandy text your assistant. That would be amazing. I'm not going to give her your phone number. Thanks. But I'll give her your assistant's number. She can get a little needy. I have three heirs, as you know.

And I've entered the portion in my life where. Hey, will they be having some sort of fight for your fortune at some point? That's a great question. Who gets this podcast, Should You Die? Yeah, so I'm working on an Aretha Franklin sort of different wills kind of situation where I sprinkle wills around the country in various forms, written in different manners. How Waka-esque. Yeah, some-

Aretha Franklin was the original Willy Waka. That's what she's best known as. You know, some written by lawyers, some written in my own hand. Some dictated to a secretary and then stamped with a stamp signature so you can't

tell. Working on different stuff. I am at the point in my life where my dignity is under constant assault from my children. My nine-year-old has recently taken to when I talk to my wife. I'll give you an example. The other day. Do you want me to, like, play your wife? Don't play my wife again, Jordan.

Our relationship... I know you always tell me that players play, but, like, I don't know if our relationship, yours and mine, or my relationship with my wife will survive this again. Sounds like somebody's not hating the game like they said they were going to.

I'm feeling a lot of hate directed towards the player. Okay, okay, okay. And not for the game. We talked about this. You know, I'm not as big a fan of the player as I could be. You know, the Tim Robbins, Robert Altman movie. Yeah. I don't know.

That's one where Martin Short orders a Cointreau and Soty. What do you not like about that? That's the best part. That's one where Martin Short orders a Cointreau and Soty. What do you not like about that? That's the best part. That's the best part. Why do you hate the players? Hate the game,

the Michael Douglas movie. I was just listening to Martin Short's autobiography and he said it was a long road from that emotional breakdown on a park bench

to certified Hollywood icon status. Not my words, but those of my staff. I didn't quite follow that. I maybe zoned out a little bit. Okay. I'm sure it was funny. He said that.

Okay. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I could tell that was one of those witty guy things. I went to, it was Martin Short being a smug Hollywood asshole. I love it. There you go. You love it.

He said, not my words, when he called himself a Hollywood icon. Dude's hilarious. But those of my staff. Of my staff. asshole. I love it. There you go. You love it. He said, not my words when he called himself a Hollywood icon. Dude's hilarious. But those of my staff. Of my staff. Okay, I see. He could have said of, you know, my fans. He said, of my staff.

Love it. That's why it's so good. So I... Dude's a legend. I went to park my car in an electric parking charging station out back behind

the pizzeria. Yep. And I came out, and there were four electric car charging stations. Someone was parked next to my car with the charger from my spot in their car. And they, instead of parking in the three open charging stations,

had parked in that stripy area where people get in and out of wheelchair vans. Okay. Okay, does this make sense? Kind of, yeah. They could have parked in any of the three electrical charging stations. Instead, they parked essentially in the handicapped spot and used the charger that was in front of my car

and stretched it over for no reason. I'm complaining about this to my wife. My nine-year-old goes, classic grown-up talk. Leave the podcast to that one. That's hilarious. Okay. I want to do the show with that kid I'm dealing with

the fucking ramifications of this for my own shit you know I'm just trying to

get my put the pieces back together you know it's like the Berenstain Bears broke a vase episode

you know what I'm talking about you know books come in episodes so later this same day episode. You know what I'm talking about? You know books come in episodes. So later this same day I'm going to a

barbecue. I'm bringing some barbecue over to our friends at the Kalin's house. That's nice. Elliot Kalin and his wife Danielle. Sounds like a lot of fun. Two wonderful children. I had been doing some powerful dad work, smoking beef ribs in the backyard. I did an incredible job.

But I needed a side fast. So I went to the store to buy beans. Now, you know how my passion for big, fat, juicy beans. You love them. Much like the old man character in Waiting for Guffman. You got it. A play within a play. Yep, you got it.

The only... Red, white, and blaine. The only thing I really care about is that one part where it says Big Fat Juicy Beans. So I went to the Superior, El Superior, by my house. Legendary.

Great grocery store chain. Yeah. Well, great strong, but a nearby grocery store chain. Yeah. Let's say, strong, but nearby grocery store chain. Yeah. Let's say that. I've done some bowls at those that I really like. I feel like they're like plates and bowls are really good.

I'll tell you this. They have a tortilleria by my house. You can get fresh tortillas and fresh tortilla chips. Oh, hell yeah. Okay. So I went into the Superior, went to the bean section. I went into the Superior, went to the bean section. They have, I'm going to put it at six kinds of baked beans.

Right. None of them are vegetarian. You're looking for like just cans of baked beans to bring? I'm not like criticizing. That's what I'm just wondering. So I went in there looking for ranch style beans because I had made Texas style barbecue. A beef barbecue that was unsauced.

I said, I'm going to get some ranch style beans, which is like a not sweet baked bean. No ranch style beans. So I'm like, fuck, I have to pivot to sweet baked beans. That's fine. Everybody likes those. It'll be off theme. Everybody will be pissed. Whatever.

But you know what? They don't have the vegetarian kind. You know the Kalens. These are chosen people. I'm not going to bring pork beans to their house like a fucking asshole. I had to turn around and come home. No beans. I'm telling my wife about this.

You're not going to believe what my nine-year-old says. Let's hear it. Classic grown-up talk. I love this. So. This could be a meme. This could be a gif. I don't know what image we attach it to.

So there is this kind of withered husk of what used to be me. Right. In the living room. Is the kid doing like a take when they're doing this? Is this like a, are they doing like a Bob Newhart look to camera? This is bone dry. This is bone dry. That's great.

Throw it away. Just throw it away. Don't oversell it. Classic grown up talk. Says the Disney channel. Just throw it away. Jim on the office. I love that guy.

So random. This guy is totally random. You know what? Sometimes I wish they would make the office about my office. Will they or won't they? It would be too crazy. Nobody would believe it. This is too much.

Walk this back, they'd say. Yeah, roll it back. Roll it back. Walk it back. So random. Totally random. Fuck it back. Yeah.

So random. Totally random. So I'm like, I'm going to get these fucking beans. I can't show up without any sides, okay? I had made biscuits. Is this something you said you were going to do, or is this like a self-imposed, like, I told myself I was going to do this? Well, imagine if I said I was bringing ribs to the Kalins' house.

We're all going to have dinner and swim in their pool. I don't have a fucking pool. Okay? So I have offered to sort of... Oh, you're saying I'm bringing the whole dinner. Yeah. Okay. Then okay.

Yeah. I get it. Okay. So I had a salad. I had biscuits. I had ribs. I needed a side. Yep, I get it. Okay. So I had a salad. I had biscuits. I had ribs. I needed a side. Yep.

I get it. So I said, look, we're going to have to leave for the Kalins in 40 minutes. I'm going to go to the Food for Less. Look, I have a Food for Less friendly lifestyle. You know? It's like Ralph's but cheaper. So I'm going to go to the Food for Less. Some of the Kroger products there.

Yeah. You know what my oldest child says? Nine-year-old is quiet. Yeah. My oldest child says, my oldest child says, can I go too? I want to burn you when you can't find the beans you want.

Wow. You were expecting them to zig and they zagged. But you know what happened? I found the fan ranch style beans there. There's still a little gas in the tank. Daddy can still get his dick up. Okay. Well, nobody accused you of impotence.

Only for my wife. Only for my wife. Only for my wife. Or if there was another appropriate situation. I can't think of. Nothing comes to mind. Erection contest. Max Fund Drive's coming up. And we're headed to Cabo.

Right. For some sword fights. Bring your roses and your hard-on. Yep. What's going on again? 800 episodes. 800 episodes. Congratulations.

800 episodes. It's your own fault, folks, for listening to this. You've only encouraged us. Happy 800, everybody. We have a wonderful guest on the program. We sure do. She's a first-time guest, so I can only imagine what this experience has been like for her, sitting politely in the corner of our studio. She is a brilliant stand-up comic.

She is also a podcaster, the host of the Best Friends podcast, and she has her own art history podcast. Whoa, cool. I didn't know that. Katrina Davis. Hi, Katrina. Hello. How are you? Thank you both so much for having me.

What a joy. I really want to open by saying I appreciate your support regarding the question of whether it was important for me to bring a side. I was silently riding that wave with you the whole time, and I absolutely understand that you had to complete it. Because before you said salad, I was going to be like, why were you so stressed out? You could have just gone with coleslaw,

but you had a salad and I was like, I get it. It all makes sense now. So I'm glad they had what you wanted. I didn't have any fucking, you think I had a cabbage on hand?

But what do they make a ranch style bean with? Is there no like maple sugar or something? No, a ranch style bean is not a sweet bean. bean is not a sweet bean. This is not a sweet bean. This is like

a chili-without-meat-in-it kind of bean. But it's still a baked bean, but it's not... Yeah, it's like a cooked bean. I think of it as having onions and peppers in it, but I could be wrong. I could be thinking of a different bean. Sounds like I'm thinking of the right bean!

No, this is a range style bean. Range style bean. I'll tell you. Well, because now, what kind of bean is a baked bean? What actual kind of bean is that? Oh. That's going to be a navy bean? That's what made me wonder what makes them that sweet anymore.

It's just a bunch of tiny little funny faces. We're mad that you can't say anything anymore because everybody's too sensitive. I think I briefly considered, I mean, we've addressed the fact that at the Superior Grocer by my house, there's a completely inexplicable Cajun section. This is primarily a Latin American grocer. You know, it's a regular supermarket, but substantially Latin American because it's an independent chain in LA. And for no reason at all, there are no other, you know, culturally specific sections other than, culturally specific sections other than, you know, one shelf of like Asian stuff that's in most supermarkets in major cities in the United States in 2023 and a big Cajun section. And the Cajun, there's no Cajuns. There's no, I don't know if Cajun food is popular in El Salvador.

You've never seen someone bursting in there demanding what they need for an entouffee. Salad rinds. Yeah. Somebody's riding in on a fan boat. I need dirty rice stat. All right, slow down, talking gator. But I did consider, like, as I was dealing with all these fucking beans, there was a bunch of cans of red beans. I was like, should I bring Cajun beans?

Because are red beans kidney beans? I think they are kidney beans. Yeah, red beans and rice. I'm getting my beans all mixed up. But they're seasoned. Aw, beans. If we keep talking beans, we're going to fill this place with farts. Thank you.

Katrina, what would you say are your top beans and bean preparations? Ooh. Hmm. I do like baked beans. Like a classic New England baked bean. The maple sugar kind of. Yes, that kind. I did make

chili for a school project once. Ooh. So I have to pick that kind of bean, like a chili bean, which I guess is a kidney bean. Wait, so tell me about what the name, was this like a country report? No, it was, I think it was directions, and I just made chili for everyone.

Oh, like you. But it was really good. Gotcha, yeah. Yeah. Wait, like north, south, east and west? no like you know when they do that silly project with following directions where the teacher

will say like I'm gonna make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tell me how and they'll be like well put the peanut butter on the bread and they just put the jar of peanut butter on the bread like they literally do everything like you have to tell them to open the jar you have to tell them to stick and they're like teaching you how to do actual super specific directions so then everyone had to pick a thing did you go like a crazy kinky

middle school no what's a kinky middle school like a fucking sub dom situation montessori school um you like take the peanut butter out of the jar. Give me your bank account number. No, it was like showing you how specific you have to be in directions sometimes with people, I think. It was like a whole unit of directions. And you were able to walk someone through chili? That's impressive. And I had just like typed out for everyone all of the different steps to make chili and then brought in chili for everyone.

Was this your own chili recipe? It was like our family one, but it's literally a McCormick packet. But it is pretty good. Well, you're a blast. Davis is your stage name, McCormick. You're from, you're of the... Of the McCormick.

Well, my grandma did work in McCormick for like 30 years. Oh, okay. So we do... That's more of a family recipe. We do, for no reason, buy a bunch of like McCormick for like 30 years. Oh, okay. That's more of a family recipe. We do, for no reason, buy a bunch of McCormick seasoning in our family. Everyone's like, hey, make sure you buy the McCormick one. Right. For no reason.

Don't fuck around. Because my grandma worked in the assembly line. Spice islands? Fuck you. You're out of the family. Get that shit out of here. My grandma died of lemon pepper lung. We need to carry on her legacy.

Oh my gosh. In the cumin fields. Prepping some barbecue for the Kalens. Great summertime activity. I had a pretty wild summer weekend. Katrina, how's your summer going? We're talking summers. It's great, even riding here I was in a good mood

because I just love that it's light longer so I was just riding here watching the sunset being like this is the best I just like when I can enjoy all the sunsets and people are out, the Meg 2's coming.

I'm in a great mood. We're all just excited. Barbenheimer who? I'm very excited for the Meg 2. Matt, look up the movies for the weekend the Meg 2 comes out and let's find a portmanteau of movies

we can see. Really blow this thing out of the water. I wouldn't go to blow this guy out of the water. You got it. I wouldn't be able to blow this guy back into the water if he was in the fucking town wreaking havoc. Oh, yeah. No. If the Meg got on land, oh, boy. I'm going to save that for the Meg 3. Were you a fan of Meg 1?

I love the Meg, and you saying it going on land made me think I did also recently watch like the third Sharknado oh yeah and I just like yelled the whole time but it's fine I do like the Meg better than Sharknado I think my daughter is a big shark fan and shark film fan and her number

one is Santa Jaws okay has she seen Cocaine Shark yet she has not yet seen cocaine jerk but i'm really excited about that yeah there is a i they just do they just keep cranking out the like direct to i mean not to direct a dvd anymore direct to whatever shark movies based on straight to stream straight to stream yeah how appropriate for a swimming villain um but yeah i guess they capitalize off cocaine bear with a cocaine shark. I definitely thought you were doing a bit.

It would be a great bit. That's already a thing? Yeah, it's already a thing. Oh my goodness. I mean, I'll watch it, but also, oh my goodness. Yeah, I want to buy it. I want to buy the Blu-ray. I've seen Deep Blue Sea, I don't know, two dozen times.

Is that why your hat is so much like a shark's fin? A little bit. LL Cool J is my idol. Yeah. That's the best shark movie. Jaws, sure, fine, invented the genre. Deep Blue Sea is as good as it gets. Have you guys watched Deep Blue Sea in the house?

We haven't watched Deep Blue Sea. I was trying to think if that's appropriate. I mean, none of it is appropriate. You can see the shark's dick. The shark does have a big... But he's not erect. Very explicit sex scene. Him and Samuel L. Jackson

go to town. It does not cut. No. Samuel L. Jackson looks right down the barrel of the camera. He's loving it. The shark's loving it. But yes, the shark is flaccid the whole time. Yeah.

Somehow to me, the flaccidity of the shark is almost more inappropriate. Yeah. Just the way it sort of flaps around. You think you would be more into all of that murder? Like at least get a chub going. Yeah. I think that's what sharks chub going. Yeah, he would think he would have a chub going. I got all those movies.

Okay, Matt, okay, so okay, we're gonna do this. Yeah, we're gonna do this. Barbenheimer Who, what else is coming out the weekend? Okay, so The Meg 2, The Trench comes out Friday, August 4th. Got it. And then The Trench, by the way, The Meg 2, The Trench is also the way, the Meg 2, The Trench, is also

the name of the Meg 2 porn parody film. They don't even have to change anything. Stick it in my trench. Don't neglect the trench. Anyway. The other movie's coming out. Shortcomings. This is a group of young Bay Area urbanites

navigate a range of interpersonal relationships. Oh, based on the great graphic novel. Directed by Randall Park, I think. Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, that's right. This could be fun. Till death do us part, a runaway bride must fight for survival

against her vengeful former fiance and his seven deadly groomsmen. That already came out. Nope. Is it the second one? I think it comes out wide, maybe. I don't know. You're thinking of Cocaine That.

Cocaine Bride? You're thinking of Cocaine Bride, yeah. It's on Tubi for some reason. Mob Land. Mob Land? Mob Land. Exactly what it sounds like? Yeah.

Except for it's deep in the heart of Dixie. A small town is struggling with ravages of addiction and a local sheriff john travolta tries to maintain the peace when desperate uh family man shelby uh robs a pill mill mob land and john travolta's the sheriff yeah he's a sheriff of on board i'm looking forward to seeing John Travolta hook his thumbs into his belt. Yeah. Here's the thing. Have either of you happened to have seen John Travolta in Paradise Island?

Another straight to stream, I'm pretty sure, Jem. I'm curious to hear about it. Because, yes, John Travolta has kind of done what Nicolas Cage his his old face-off co-star did before him which is just be in whoever would make his like whoever gave him his quote he would just be in the movie he's doing some fun stuff yeah I've never heard of this it's so silly he has also gotten to the point where his head looks like a bald cap and he has a beard that looks like it's been drawn on his face yes like it's so deeply dyed and that's what he looks like in this movie and he's like a super villain on this island and bruce willis is also in it and it is wild and i watched

it with my dad over christmas break and just refused to believe that it was a real movie but then like a couple months later i saw it on the front of Netflix. It's, like, out there now. But it's pretty fun to watch if you're ever bored. As a bald person, I feel like I should be supportive of John Travolta finally showing his baldness. I mean, he was famously rumored to be wearing hairpieces for 30 years.

Oh, I don't think I ever knew that. But, like, when he finally embraced that baldness, it was an embrace of baldness that I feel like I should get behind. And it's so intense and distressing. I find myself wanting to support it, but it also, like I said, I think it but it also like I said I think that like it makes him look like a

like a melted baby doll or like something like it's visually jarring the difference between it it's too like rubbery and false looking it looks like a doll you would win at a fair in the 1920s.

Yeah, exactly. He has a Kewpie vibe. Yeah. Yeah, Kewpie core. Well, no, even looking at you like naturally being bald, it's almost like

he rejected it for so long that now he's too bald. Yeah. Like he doesn't look like he has any hair at all and then he has like an aggressive chin strap that has no salt and pepper in it. Sure. So he doesn't look like he has any hair at all. And then he has like an aggressive chin strap. Yeah.

That has no salt and pepper in it. Sure. So he does look like. Where does it start? Yes. You look like L.A. Wooly Willy. It's all magnetic. John Travolta, all magnetic.

Because it's so perfectly manicured and sharp, but it's still that look. Yeah. If you shake him too hard, it'll fall off. It's very all or nothing. Better redo it. Yeah, he's attached to a film based on that iconic character. Right. Barbie has been such an incredible success.

Sure, yeah. They're going to go kind of satirical with it. He's going to unpack what it means to be Wooly Willy. Yeah. But, okay, so, Matt, we gotta decide on this portmanteau. Okay, so we have Mob Town, Mob Land. Mob Land. And what was the,

what's the Randall Park one? Shortcomings. Shortcomings. Meg Land. Yeah, Meg Land scans perfectly, it's good. You know, might be great to support this other movie. Trench?

Trench Cummings? Yeah. Trench Cummings. Can we all get dressed up for Trench Cummings? Because there's angsty surfer kids? Yeah. Meg Cummings is pretty good. Meg Cummings.

Meg Cummings is great in everything. She's incredible. Right. And all the best 90s rom-coms. Meg Cummings. Our queen. We stan. Till Trench do us part. Tillcoms. Meg Cummings. Our queen. We stan. Till Trench to us part.

Till Trench to us part. Sure. All right. And that's what we're doing. We're all doing that the weekend of the 4th. Get dressed up. And it's like a wedding dress and just like a fin. Yeah.

Or a wedding dress and scuba shit. Oh, I like that too. Like scuba top. Scuba top. Wedding bottom. Right. You indicated scuba top as though scuba top was like a type of sexy halter top. Yes.

I was imagining like the long sleeve. Like a bustier move. Like a little long sleeve crop. Hello, boys. Who wants to go in the trench? Follow me. I've got a spear. Who wants to get some abalone?

in the trench. Follow me. I've got a spear who wants to get some abalone. Jordan, you did a classic summer activity. You went down to San Diego for Comic Con. Yes, that's right. I didn't, I thought maybe I would have some professional

reasons to go other than general schmoozing. It turned out I didn't, but I'm like, hey, I got the badges. This guy's got badges. I got the badges. What do they even have there? Comic books? Because everybody's on strike. Yeah, I know. Yeah, people are like, well,

comic books and, you know, like bins of old trading cards, Ziploc baggies full of Legos. Are the cosplayers standing in solidarity or are they crossing picket lines? Yeah. I don't know that they've read the SAG guidelines.

The cosplay is always kind of interesting to see at Comic-Con because you can always like... It's fun to clock what there's a lot of and to kind of like see if you can suss out what people are actually into. This year a lot of Barbies, a lot of Spideys.

Both those characters having a great year. I noticed that this year, a significant drop-off in Deadpools. Hardly a Deadpool to be seen. So it's like maybe... Maybe everybody's just got to stick up their ass. Yeah, I know, right. Well, I mean, if Deadpool's not sticking around, reach for a comment.

Fourth Walls Everywhere said, Phew. Thanks, Jordan. Phew said the Fourth Walls, because this guy, he breaks them. Apparently the national mood is reverent? Right. We're tired of your snarky irreverence, Deadpool.

Salute the flag, Deadpool. Yeah, so not a lot of Deadpools. Yeah, but just a general great time. Stayed in La Jolla. Obviously, the hotels in San Diego, a little

tough to find. Nothing wrong with staying in La Jolla. No! La Jolla's beautiful! I'd kill to be in La Jolla right now, Katrina. La Jolla. Come on. I'm going to be honest. I've never been. Heard great things. I haven't either. I haven't heard anything about it. Well, thank you for yes-anding my

excitement about La Jolla. 800 episodes, right? This is the kind of chemistry you get. Congratulations on 800 episodes. Thank? This is the kind of chemistry you get. Congratulations on 800 episodes. Thank you, Matt. Thank you, Matt. Katrina, what's been your favorite episode? Oh, I mean, I've listened to a few of your episodes, I will say.

I mean, I have to. No, I was going to say Amy, but I feel like it's biased because we're friends. Oh, yeah, she's funny. But that's probably one of my favorite. Amy Poehler. Her also. Amy Sedaris. And Silverberg.

A lot of great Amys out there. Funny first name. Yeah. I stayed at the Grand Colonial. Lovely hotel. They have a section on their website. Grand Colonial, you're canceled. Yeah.

Sorry. Take it back for the people. The Grand Peoples, they should call it. They have a section on their website labeled Hauntings. Oh, that's nice because I feel like often

you have to go and find the hauntings information. It's like sprinkled in with the where the printer is. Yeah, you gotta, you know, get the bartender as he's closing up. It's nice as top level navigation. Right, it's right there

where you make the reservations. Katrina, you got excited. Are you like a ghost fan? Are you a ghost? Are we ghosts? This whole episode, there's just no audio on my end. Yeah, who are they talking to?

this whole episode there's just no audio on my end who are they talking to i love anything that is haunted enough for them to document it and tell you different ways or times that people have said like i feel like that's like a bed and breakfast kind of thing does that make it more or less scary that they've put it on the website? It makes it more intriguing, but makes me less afraid to stay there. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like it's somehow because they've advertised it so much. It's like, not that I don't think it's not real, but I also feel like it's safer because it's like if it was real and like something worth telling a story that will really like rattle your bones forever they would probably not put it on the website yeah right because you're like what I heard this crying last night yeah like the you

know but when it's just like sometimes people see her in the hallway like on Sundays at six I'm like oh I'm down for that like I'll come see what's up because I feel like I probably won't see it. The website's not going to be like last week. The basement was full of human meat. Exactly. They don't talk about like the hallucinations that people have of like blood running down the walls. Like, yeah, that's the that's the stuff I really want. But I'm intrigued by this. It's like the ghost of a dog won't stop rolling over on its back and presenting its tummy for rugs yes you just hear like a collar that you don't see

I'm down for that ghost puppy so there's some pretty down the middle hauntings on the website you know like the phone you know the phone rings at the front desk but it's to you know it says a room that's not occupied

you know hotel haunting shit there's one there's one here it's labeled It says a room that's not occupied. You know, hotel haunting shit. There's one here. It's labeled Abigail and Abraham. A guest reported seeing a soft glowing presence in her room. It was a young woman with brown hair wearing a light lace dress. She thought the apparition's name was Abigail. First of all, like, what the fuck?

I thought that was her name. Like, you can't. Did she say it? Did she look like an Abigail? I, I guess not. I guess so. I guess she's like, eh, she looks generally old-timey. She strikes me like... Maybe she was wearing a bustle.

I don't know. And then here we have, one morning a young boy reported seeing several small Abraham Lincolns jumping around in his room. Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! What room was that?

Give me that fucking room! Give me the tiny Lincoln suite. How many? It just said several. Several? That's crazy but like that sounds like a nyquil dream yeah well also it sounds like lies concocted by a fucking nerd too like this is a are you accusing elliot of making this up right a young elliot calen stayed at also, like— I don't know why I imagined them dancing to Puttin' on the Ritz, but I did. Like, all of them, like, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da. Like, the way they would spin in one of those old-timey, like, skeleton things. But Abe Lincoln's—

I don't know why I made him that, but— I kind of imagined more of a Cab Calloway situation, but either way, I think, would work. Yeah. I did find myself, every time I went into the shower going like, all right, tiny Lincolns, I'll be showering. I do definitely talk to ghosts just in case if I am really scared. Like if I on some deep level do, even if I'm like, this is dumb, I'll be like, I don't mean any harm.

I'm going to go to sleep now. Be cool. I intimidate the ghosts. Oh really? Yeah. If I have any concerns, it's like, Hey,

you want to try me? That's what I'll say. Hey, you fucking, Hey, Hey out there. You ghouls. Hey,

I'm a dad. I can still get my dick up. You better not go out there trying to haunt me. We didn't say you couldn't. We didn't say you couldn't. We're all a bunch of Lincolns dancing to putting on the reds. Just put him on the defense immediately. Whoa, okay.

The Lincoln takes his hat off. I didn't mean any harm. Yeah. You seem cool. Hey, little Lincolns all say, you can't take this dick. Little Lincolns. Oh, yeah? Just watch me.

Stick it in my trench. 800 episodes! Congratulations on 800 episodes. Thank you so much, Matt. Thanks to everybody who supported us all these many years. We finally got here. We're ready to die. You guys want to plan our funerals and then come back for a little bit more?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Oh, Russ. Oh, I'm glad I found you in line. These clouds are really freaking me out i hate having to stand in line and boy what a line these giraffes do not smell good no they do not and they have such short necks but i'm hearing we need to get on this we gotta get on the ark it is about to rain god is about to destroy humanity hey oh sorry sorry sorry are you noah yeah i know we look like

humans but we're actually we're podcasters we We are podcasters, so it's different. Have you heard of Ono, Ross, and Carrie? We investigate spirituality, claims of the paranormal, stuff like that. And you have a boat and say the world's going to end, so it seemed like something for us to check out. We would love to be on the boat. We came two by two. What do you think? Ono, Ross, and Carrie, available on MaximumFun.org.

It's Jordan Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Katrina Davis, saver of lizards. Is this just a general state that you're in? Like just an identity thing? Or is this a specific event that happened recently? Oh, it's someone I've been in my past. Your dark past.

I don't like to talk about it. No, I'm just joking. Just growing up in Florida, there's lizards everywhere. But my mom is afraid of them. So I used to have to save them. From your mom killing them? From my mom killing them. I'd be like, don't kill it.

Let me catch it and take it outside. Wait, there's lizards inside? I mean, they get inside. Your face right now. Yeah, they get inside. They're little. Like, I like lizards. I had a few pet lizards

as a kid. I think lizards are cool and cute. I don't want them loosey-goosey. I mean, it happens. It's hot. Running up the walls. Yeah. And the little cute see-through ones like hang out by the like light of night. Hold on. Little geckos. Time out, time out. T-O-T-O

T-O-T-O-T-O. Finally, finally some Florida ass shit on the show see through lizards well like geckos they're like that opaque color and then when they're by the lights you can kind of like see through them they're so cute i would love to see a lizard like a visible man kind of like um almost like inside out Boy. Remember that Claymation short? When he went over the swings? He went over the swing and he turned inside out. Kind of like that, but in a lizard.

But then the regular ones will sometimes just get inside and my mom would freak out. And I would have to catch it and save its life. That's really nice. What are you doing in catch? Are you putting a bucket on top of it? You gotta kind of collapse your hand over it. They're fast. They're fast and they don't want to be caught. It's really nice. What are you doing in catch? Are you putting a bucket on top of it? You got to like kind of clasp your hand over it. They're fast. They're fast and they don't want to be caught.

It's kind of hard. And you can't do it just by the tail because they can detach from the tail. So you got to like cup your hand over the body and like get up underneath it. You got to cup the body. Don't neglect the body.

So important. It is so important not to neglect the trench. Something about it. What is a trench but to neglect the trench. Something about it. What is a trench but an extension of the body? Thank you. I don't like how you closed your eyes and you did that. Katrina knows about space and negative space.

She's got her own art history podcast. A little bit. It's a little bit of a podcast. Just a little slice of podcast. When a lizard's tail comes off, you know, it's obviously one of nature's greatest miracles. Are you going to ask if it's full of poop? Tail goes back. What's in there?

Does the poop come out? What's in there? Poop or hard candies? Those are your only two options. Those are your only two options. No, I think my memory of it is that because it's a miracle, you forget that it's still kind of red and bloody. Yeah, I was about to say it's bloody. It's like you're not supposed to.

We would kind of like that was our kind of a little kid telltale sign of other little kids. Like if you scare lizards enough that they detach from the tail, it's like, don't do that, dude. Come on, you're messed up. Like that was, you're taking it too far. This was like a tea leaf situation. You bring a new kid over by the lizards and if the lizards, their tails popped off, that's how you knew there's new kids trouble?

No, that's how you know like that. That's how you spot a troubled kid. Yes. Is the kid enjoying taking off the tails? They're too rough with lizards. And it's like, don't talk to Timmy. He's over there messing with lizards until their tails come off. They want to get away from him so bad.

He's a tail chopper. That means that you are handling them so badly that they think they are going to die. And they're detaching from their body. I am out of here. You've got to cuff the body. You would handle them softly, almost romantically. I mean, it's kind of like you've got to catch them by surprise and they'd be like, it's okay, little guy.

You're fine. You're fine. Because it's still stressful. Like, I get it. You're doing great. But also no poop. Poop underneath the tail, not like out of the tail I'm not saying

I have a lot to learn about poop I'm not saying where it comes from I'm not saying there's a whole self-help book in this

but I am saying at the very least there's one Drew Barrymore show segment for you like one segment about what it means

I just become the new Jack Hanna of daytime TV and Drew takes I just come on new Jack Hanna of daytime TV. Drew takes me. I just come on with lizards. I mean, yeah. But also talking about how, you know, what it means for interpersonal relationships,

for self-care. For lizard handling. We all need to just cup our bodies. Cold blood, warm hearts, you know what I mean? Cold blood, warm hearts, yes. Another possibility. Drew herself. You could do the same thing but in Brooklyn and get into the style section of the New York Times.

Yeah, a lot of great options. Just me not smiling with a bearded lizard on my shoulder. A think piece. The lizard woman of Greenpoint. So it's summertime. You probably know from summer. I mean, Jacksonville, Florida, that's summer country. Yeah.

What are the top, what are the top activities? Have you ever been on a Sea-Doo? Ooh, I do not have Sea-Doo friends, but I do have. I bet the Lizard Kids were also the Sea-Doo Kids. The Lizard Tail Choppers grew up to be the Sea-Doo Riders, right? Ooh, no way. I feel like Sea-Doo Kids would never be bothered with lizards to begin with. Okay.

They're not even there. No way. They're not even fucking with the lizards. No. Is Jacksonville more of the South Florida or is it more of the Caribbean? We are more the South Florida because we are on the north side underneath Atlanta. Like we're – people call us Southern Georgia. Like we're like right underneath and we're not on the west coast where the beaches are pretty and we're not far enough south for like old people money or like vibrant Latin culture.

Right. So there's not a good. Just, yeah. Up there in the corner living our life. Not a great sea-dew venue. Well, we, I grew up like on the river a lot every summer. So we don't have sea-dews, but I do tube a lot. Now we're talking.

Oh, hell yeah. So it's like one click below that. Beautiful. On the river that used to be so polluted they made a song about it. Somebody's making a song about the river. Who ever makes songs about good rivers?

You know who that smell? That's us. Have you found a place to tube here in Southern California? No. I have not really even been... I've not really even been, I've been in the water, like the ocean water, I think maybe once or twice since I've lived here

in like eight years. You're not going to tube in the- Yeah, that's what I mean. I don't get out in the ocean the way I did like bodies of water. You're not going out to Malibu to tube. Or like springs. I swim in springs a lot back home.

Oh, that sounds nice. So it's like I just don't, yeah. We're a crick. We're getting to tube. No. Or like springs. I swim in springs a lot back home. Oh, that sounds nice. So it's like I just don't. Yeah. What about cricks? You ever get into a crick? I do not mess with cricks. They're too small. I feel like that's gator country.

Yeah, you don't frick with a crick. What about wallows? Would you ever get into a wallow? I would kayak through a wallow. Yeah. But that's, I don't think I would. You'd want something relatively flat bottomed. I don't think I would want to wade through a wallow. Yeah. But that's, I don't think I would. You'd want something relatively flat bottomed. I don't think I would want a wade through a wallow.

Yeah. I'd put a catamaran in a wallow, personally. Yeah, that'd be great. You know what I'd love to ride on?

Hmm. One of those, what if we got, you and I have been pretty successful in show business. I think we can, we can agree.

Sure, yes and, yeah. I mean, you're in SAG, I'm SAG eligible. Sure, yeah. So, here and, yeah. I mean, you're in SAG. I'm SAG eligible. Sure, yeah. So here's my thinking.

You could be getting screeners, bud. Here's my thinking, Jordan. Lots of awards, yeah. We pool our money together. Yep. And we get one of those boats where when it goes really fast, it comes up out of the water on like a wing.

Okay, sure, yeah. Like I'd probably have to sell my house. I don't know how much these Yeah. Like I'd probably have to sell my house. I don't know how much these boats cost. I'd probably have to sell my house. It'd be tough on my kids. We call it the cocaine shark. Oh, God. Wait, it's like a hover boat?

No, it's got a wing underneath it. Yeah, I can kind of sort of picture this. What do you mean it's got a wing underneath it? Like you know how a race car has a spoiler on the back? Oh, okay, okay. Imagine that the race car is upside down and it's a boat. So does it catch air? Yeah. Oh. That's what makes it go

so fast. That's what I mean, but only for like a second? Yeah. Like it'll go, wow! No, no. It stays up. If it's going fast enough, it stays up in the air. That's what I'm saying. So it hovers. That's a hover boat, but not with like a But the wing is in the water. Okay. The wing is in the water. Fair enough. The rest, the whole thing isn't coming out of the water.

This is still very tiny. It's not going woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Yeah. So, yeah. But it does that thing where it goes in a circle. Yeah, the hover noise. Yes. It's not making the hover where rings that are kind of expanding and contracting.

Whatever that science is. Yeah, the hover beams. But if you don't put your hand up in front of your nose, it'll poke you in the eyes. Is this a Three Stooges joke? Yeah. We're not talking about the Three Stooges? I don't think so. Why is it going whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop?

Because he thought it was going whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. That was a, okay, long walks, yes. Yeah, I remember. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. We're in a circle. Yes. On the ground. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Do not ask this boat to paint your house. It will fuck things up. Congratulations. Not invited to your ball. Congratulations. I just got a letter from Governor Gavin Newsom to congratulate us on our 800th episode. Wow.

Thanks, Gavin. He says the show is perfect as always. Right. He says, whereas Jordan, Jesse go is coherent and totally makes sense. But you can't tube on that boat. You die. No,

this is not for tubing. It's too fast. Jordan and I have an action lifestyle. You're a relaxed Southern gal, but Jordan and I are, Jordan. Fast paced. Jordan and I have a fast paced

West Coast lifestyle. I get it. Call us the cocaine sharks. You're a fast paced West Coast lifestyle. I get it. Call us the cocaine sharks. You're moving and shaking. We're moving. We're shaking. Anyway, what are your top two summer activities in Florida? Ooh.

Tubing is a great one. Yeah. But I'm excluding that from the top two. I'm presuming that's in the top three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tubing is definitely up there. You can give it some thought. We'll come back to you at the end of this seg.

We have a caller who called us in. Called us in? Yeah, sure. They called us in. Yeah. For a wellness check. They're sending someone over, a nice social worker, to end the podcast. Yeah.

Yes, they gave us a call, 206-984-4F fun, and apparently it is someone wanting to share their latest summer boy activity. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to say Claudia O'Doherty. I'm calling in with a classic Australian summer boy activity. Alice Fraser was in your show recently, and she failed to mention the summer staple wheel of go goon it's when you get a sack of box wine which we call goon and you peg it to a hill's hoist which is a rotating washing line stand that kind of looks like a big spider web then you stand in a circle around it spin the hill's hoist, say Wheel of Goon! And whoever

it lands on when it's done spinning, you have to take a drink. Alright. Love you. Australia is fucking... Australia is off the charts. Much better than America. That sounds so fun! Yeah, that does sound really fun. How do you fix

it, I wonder? What's amazing about Australia, they really like, like, you know how the Galapagos Islands has its own finches with special beaks? I know a lot about science. It's like that, only with dissolute whites. Right. You know what I mean? Like, they just took a bunch of the Western Europe's most messed up fox. Dangerous criminals. Yeah.

And then dumped them on an island to do weird shit. And I'm not, look, I'm not here to elide the atrocities perpetrated upon the native population of that island. population of that island. However, these troubled whites came to this island, started breeding willy-nilly, and they didn't have any natural predators to control their behaviors. And all of a sudden, they've got hills hoists. Right. They have their, did she say they nail a bag of wine to the hills hoist? That's, yeah.

It sounds like wine tetherball almost. Yeah. Like it would spin that way and stop on someone and you drink it. Yeah. It's like a spin the bottle with a bag of wine and they don't have dryers because it's always hot. I'm guessing, you know, there's some part of this I don't understand. You know, how do you affix it? What are the rules?

How do you guess where it, you know, how do you know who it's pointing to? Where do the dingoes come in? Sure. And I think the answer to all of these questions is when you start doing this, you're already drunk. You've been drunk for a few hours. Very fair. And the rules to this are probably lax. I have a question.

Yeah. Do some marsupials have eggs and some marsupials have live births? I don't think so. Well, what about a platypus? I think that's something else. A platypus is something else. Yeah. Is that a platypus? I think that's something else. A platypus is something else. Yeah.

Is that a marsupial? Do they lay eggs? They don't have live eggs? I think a platypus lays eggs, in my opinion. Yeah. Again, I know a lot about science. But also, platypuses are weird. They're doing a lot of stuff on their own. Yeah, no shit.

Have you ever heard anything about Australia? This is just an entire nation of dipsy-doos. Right. Yumbos. That sounds delicious. The Burger King is called Hungry Jack's Chaos. Literally, their king is Crocodile Dundee. Right.

That is, they are part of the Commonwealth, but where the queen should be on their money is just a picture of Crocodile Dundee. And if he comes to America, he gets arrested, but they protect him over there. Their national anthem is a guitar solo by Yahoo Sirius as young Einstein. Right. Just ripping off. The movie is about the solo. The solo was written first, and then the movie was written about the solo. Yeah.

It's incredible. Directed by the director of Mad Max and Babe Big in the City. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he's Australian. Oh, I didn't know that. No, just this version of the movie that we're imagining. See, you know, Guy's got a crazy filmography, George Moore. He does have.

So if you said he directed Young Ives, I would be like, oh, interesting. Happy Feet he also directed. Yeah, yeah, sure. Directed Happy Feet as well. Wait, I would be like, oh, interesting. Happy Feet, he also directed. Yeah, yeah, sure. Directed Happy Feet as well. Wait, Paul Hogan did? No, no. George Miller. George Miller, the director of the Mad Max films and Babe Pig in the City, also directed Happy Feet.

Wow. Interesting career. I was about to say, what a list of films. Yeah. Yeah, you could just tell me he directed something like oh interesting yeah yeah i believe you um yeah i mean this is the one this is the one thing that i'm wondering about this summer boy called if i know anything about science i think we've established that i know a lot tons you definitely know what a platypus is. Guess what it is right now in Australia.

Right now? Yeah. Daytime and Christmas? Exactly. It fucking is. It's Christmas Day. Santa's been fucking gone for eight hours. They're not having,

these fuckers aren't having dipsy-doos and shit right now. They're not having, these fuckers aren't having dipsy-doos and shit right now. They're building fucking igloos. These guys are carving ice blocks right now, and she's calling in to claim that they're gluing a box of wine

to an outdoor whirligig dryer. Jesus Christ. How stupid do these people feel? You liked them at the beginning of the call. Now you're mad? You really flipped on these people. You think I'm here to take shit from a bunch of fucking Australians?

I thought the coon thing sounded fun. I don't know what you're... Okay. You're mad now. You're upset. You know what, Jordan? Do you need a fruit snack? Go put a fucking pineapple on a cheeseburger.

Wow. You're one of them. Is that an Australian fuck? Is that an Australian thing? Go put a pineapple on a cheeseburger. The Prime Minister of Australia just called. Oh, wow. Okay.

Wow. And they wanted to congratulate you guys on 800 episodes. No, Matt. Hatch him through. Oh, Matt, patch him through. Oh, sure, sure, sure. One moment. Hello? It's me.

Mr. Hogan, it's an incredible honor to talk to you. Hey, how are you guys? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to ask you to do this. I know that you're busy doing the people's work of the great nation of Australia. Yeah, right now I'm about to light up a first christmas tree yeah i'm wondering i'm wondering sure i don't i don't mean to put you on the spot but no i don't feel put on the spot at all

mr prime minister hogan yeah is this a knife you want me to do me catchphrase, yeah? The problem is there's a... I'm not doing my catchphrase. Yeah, neither am I. There's a sag strike right now. Okay, fair enough. And I can't do the catchphrase.

What's going on in Australia right now, Katrina, just so you know, is that there is a sag strike. And so Prime Minister Paul Hogan isn't able to pass laws yeah i wish i wish i could but i can't and i've got a oh no i've got a lovely christmas tree real quick is this british now bye it was incredible vladimir ilanovich Lenin, Prime Minister of Australia. Wow. You know what's incredible about this show to me? It's like they always say about the Herald, how all the pieces come together.

That was a huge guess, especially considering what time it is. It's a busy schedule. Yeah. On a holiday, none the less. Usually, ordinarily, if we were going to book the president or prime minister of Australia, Paul Hogan, Crocodile Dundee, it would probably be, what, in the late evening, right? Because that's when he's done with his presidential duties and, of course, wrestling the crocodiles

and the tax evasion was a major issue for him. I think so. And then it's middle of the day there. So it's crazy that we got him on the horn. I know. This guy's supposed to be doing the people's work right now. But this is the people's work. The people listen to this show.

You know what? Sydney Opera House is nice. I don't have a problem with that. Okay. Right there on the Sydney Harbor. I'm glad we've come to a truce. Let me say one more thing. A temporary truce with our neighbors to the south or whatever. Yes. Melbourne,

you're on thin ice. Okay. I'm putting you on warning. Sure. Okay. I'm not saying on probation. Probationary period for Melbourne. Sydney Opera House, we're good. We're fine. We're cool. Yeah.

All right. Well, hey. Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, I have my summer activity. That's right. Great. Amazing.

Thank you for keeping this on track. We are going to take a little break, but first we're going to hear what Christina Davis's top two Florida summertime activities are. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm definitely going to go with tubing, but the second one... No, that was number three. Remember? Jesus Christ. We'll be back in just...

We'll get to this after the break. We'll get to it after the break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Okay. Zebras, orangutans. Oh, sorry. Hi. Not used to the animals talking. Who are you? Yes. My name is Carrie Poppy. I co-host a podcast called On a Ross and Carrie. This is my co-host Ross right here. Okay. We investigate spirituality, claims of the paranormal, and we were wondering if we could get on the arc. You did come two by two. I appreciate that. Though most of the paranormal and we were wondering if we could get on the ark you did come two by

two i appreciate that though most of the things i'm letting on the ark don't talk i'm gonna be talking all up on this boat do you mind both i prefer ark okay i'm not listening but if you let me on then i will make my really good podcast on your boat can you at least help clean up all the poop i guess i don't see why not. Well, check out the podcast. Where do I find it? It's on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Katrina Cannonball Davis, everybody. Hell yeah. The cannonball is back. Hell yeah. Can I tell you I jumped into Elliot Callen's pool? Cannonball style? Jackknife? What'd you do?

What's your dive of choice? I just did a foot dive. I get up to the surface. Everyone is booing me because there's not enough splash. I don't know. I don't know how to even do a regular dive. Did you not know you were being judged? I would thought I was impressive that I jumped in from a diving board because I haven't done that in many years.

And it was never something I did as a matter. Look, I didn't have access to private pools. Public pools, you're not allowed to use the diving board. Too dangerous. You were just having your knees didn't buckle under you like Rick Ross. You got to tuck, Jesse. You got to tuck. I haven't seen anything you'd like to fuck with courtesy of Rick Ross.

Wow. Katrina. Yes. You were going to help us all out with some summertime activities. From the great state of Florida. If we're ever in Florida. Top two. Of course.

Tubing is one of the all-time great activities. That's one of the top three. Tubing is one of the top three. Okay. And we've asked Katrina to come up with her top two to fill out the three.

So I said cannonball because that is going to be my next one. Hell yeah. It is. I did grow up with a pool which made people think I was cool but it is Florida,

so it's really just something that they give everyone to keep us alive. And making wave pools with a boogie board is like one of the best summertime activities. You can basically just make it adventure landing in your backyard for a second. Who needs expensive water park tickets? you can basically just make it adventure landing in your backyard for a second so i'm gonna need expensive water park tickets just throw a kid a ten dollar target boogie board yes you can go to sam's club and use a boogie board until it literally disintegrates switch off um in the bay area we had to try and make uh we didn't have an adventure landing so we had to try and make a marine world africa usa and i spent so much fucking money buying an orca for my friend's pool.

So many paper routes to buy that fucking orca. Oh, like a big, nice, fun orca inflatable one? No, no. What's an orca? It's a killer whale. It's a man-eating shark-like fish. I know, but wait, like an inflatable one? It's like a type of shark or fish.

I think what you were – maybe I'll explain your bit. Yeah. I think you were talking about there's a theme park that was around where you grew up that had – it was like a SeaWorld where it had – Yeah, it was like a SeaWorld. Marine World Africa USA. Jesse's joke was that instead of buying a boogie board, he bought a whale. I'm so sorry. So to make Adventureland with the boogie board, you'd use the boogie board.

But then to make Marine World Africa USA, I didn't have the sense to do the boogie board thing. I just bought an orca. Yeah. And you know what sound those guys make? Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Oh, my God. Boing, boing, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Oh, my God. Boing, boing, boing. That's how I feel.

That's the sound of me getting a hard-on whenever I want. There you go. No one said that. All right, man. Me and the other Lincolns are out of here. And then my last one. I don't know if anyone else. Can I just say, my number one fantasy,

and a lot of Georgia Seagull listeners ask me to list my fantasies on the show, is to get my dick sucked by multiple Lincolns. My turn. Don't hog the dick, Lincoln 2. Lincoln 3's got to suck. Just a tiny Lincoln tapping his foot. Come on! Tapping his foot.

Looking at his watch. But it's like a, you know, a Dwyer pocket watch on a chain. Tiny, impatient, horny Lincoln. Blast on my hat. Blast on my hat. All right, Neiman. Blast on my hat. The last time I got my time with that dick was four score and seven years ago. Oh, my goodness. Why don't you get over here and emancipate that boner? Yes.

Thank you. Emancipate that boner. Third activity. I don't know if anyone else did summer camps. But the last day of summer camp, we would have a water fight. I think a fair number of people have done summer camps. Water fights are the best. We would come locked and loaded.

People would spend days making water balloons beforehand. We would store water balloons in like Tupperwares the day before people would like double gun like with super soakers it was the best day ever so that was that's gonna be my number one just off like memory of the intensity alone it's like you forget it's water you get so wrapped up in it as a kid sure like you start running you're like wait it's hot I technically want to get hit by this, but it becomes such an intense game of tag. Getting hit by a water balloon can hurt.

Yeah. I feel like there were psycho kids, the ones who would tear off the lizard tails, this kind of kid, would have some sort of strategy on how to make a water balloon hurt the other kids. Oh, yeah. It's like the degree to which you fill them or how you tie them.

I was just about to say you keep them kind of like small. Right. You get more like a rubber bullet. Right. Like I'm small for my age. It's like if you got hit by a big enough sixth grader, you could black out. Sure. That's why so many people on January 6th had water balloons.

Right. They're just a little bit under-pressurized. They were just trying to cool off Mike Pence. Water balloon technology, I don't know if either of you – Jordan, I know you don't have any heirs. Yeah, not doing the phrase. We need forever solidarity. Right, Paul Hogan? We're not doing our catchphrases.

Katrina, I don't know if you have any children. I do not. Water balloon technology is out of control. Oh, yeah. What? Since my childhood, certainly. And Katrina, you may be somewhat younger than I, but there is a type of water balloon that you buy now

that you just go to the corner store, just or the dollar store, wherever you're buying your water balloons. And instead of buying a bag full of water balloons, you buy this one thing that has a hose attachment on the end. And then it has – it's got like spines coming out of it like a porcupine. And on the end of every spine is a water balloon and there's like 30 of them. And so you just attach it to the hose, turn the hose on, and it fills all of them up. Then you turn off the hose, and you have like 40 full water balloons. Whoa. I want to do that.

It's absolutely fucking insane. And the problem is that all of a sudden your backyard is just nothing but broken water balloons. Right, sure. Dogs choking on them. Yeah. That wasn't that funny. I know. We don't want the dogs to choke. We've had two

unless they're fucking Australian shepherds. Okay, hold on. Where did this come in? I thought you liked them. Is this from an episode I haven't heard? No. What is happening? No, nothing makes sense. Don't look for logic. I'm so sorry. We're just saying stuff.

Maybe if they're from Melbourne. Melbourne, you're on notice, but you're not. Australian Shepherds at the Sydney Opera House are fine. Hey, I was just going to ask about them. Yeah. The very certain dogs at certain opera houses. I mean, this is a weird opera, to be fair. They do opera weird down there, okay?

Just a shepherd herding people into their seats. But we had to stop having those because it was too many water balloons. Like, it was overwhelming. Sure. The amount of work that goes into making the water balloons is an essential sort of like population control on the water balloons themselves right like the fact that you have to put each water balloon onto a faucet is the only thing that keeps a backyard from being completely paved and broken water balloons so we've had to switch to reusable water balloons, which is a new escalation in water balloon technology.

And these look sort of like pokeballs. Okay. Oh. So they're filled with like— Squirtles. Okay. Well, because I was going to say, how do they break if they're reusable? But okay, now I get it.

Yeah, they have a—they like—you know, they sort of bonk when they hit you. Got it. So they hover. What? Just imagine a Pokeball. So you know what a Pokeball looks like. I'm wet. You know what a Pokeball looks like, right?

Yeah, like the little button. But it has got a, it's hemispherical. You know, one part's red and one part's white. Right. So imagine if along the hemisphere it's hemispherical. You know, one part's red and one part's white. Right. So imagine if along the hemisphere it burst open. Okay. Like a clamshell style. Right.

When it blonks onto you, that's how it gets. But how soft is it? It's moderately soft. Soft enough. Okay. I mean, I wouldn't know, obviously. I'm not the one getting hit with these reusable. No one said. Cannot wait one getting hit with these reusable.

Cannot wait to hit you with a reusable water balloon. Yeah. Really fun. But, yeah. Okay. Well, that's a lot of fun. Sounds like you got great summers over there in Jacksonville, Florida. I mean, we definitely made the most of it.

Like, a lot of hanging out on the river. Like I said, tubing, hanging out with alligators you know did you did you get to tube like in in adulthood where you could like have the cooler of beers and stuff i've done a lazy river that way as an adult so not so much tubing because here's the thing tubing to me is stressful okay because you maybe you, tubing is getting dragged by the boat. Yes. Oh, okay. Got it.

I was thinking of a lazy river. Although these are both great activities. No, lazy rivers are awesome and way more laid back. And one time, a long time ago, we were on a lazy river. And the people will put ropes up that you can swing off of. Yeah. And the people will like put ropes up that you can swing off of. And sometimes the like boat patrol, like the people that are around making sure no one like kills themselves will come and like cut down the ones that are too close to things or like will hurt people.

And so at one point one summer, they had cut down the rope and everyone started booing. And so they like threw they like drove away a little bit in their boat and then threw it back and everyone was like yeah and so like they'll be like okay this is kind of illegal but also we know people want to have fun how many people are there oh on a lazy river in summer yeah like it can get very full and then you can kind of like pull off to the side and there's little sand embankments where you can like have. Right. People will have like. And dudes have like themed hangs.

So there'll be like, I'm the fucking Frose dude. You know, something like that. Oh, and see, there's always just like a big drunk guy on a blow up doll. Like there's like characters of the Lazy River. But I haven't seen like a full themed party people will have like a full inner tube just for their cooler yeah and like have the cooler in the middle like with all their drinks but then people also pull off to the side and have like nice little sandy nooks where they like sit and get drunk and eat and then keep floating there's a lot of different

ways is this a real river yeah or is this, this is a river of the mind. Pirates of the Caribbean or something. It's like when... It's like those discos where you have headphones where everyone's like in a proverbial river. No, you're in a real river. And you're just like moseying. It's just that it's very slow. But it's so full that there could be applause?

Yeah, because it's like a bunch of people just enjoying the coolness of like a spring. And there's some areas where just a guy has frozen. Yeah. Yeah, because it's everyone drinking on the river because it's going that slow. And you kind of like, you'll either drive to it and like walk. There's different ways you can do it.

You can park and then walk up and then ride down and then you end up back where your car is. Like there's a lot of different ways that you can do it you can park and then walk up and then ride down and then you end up back where your car is like there's a lot of different ways that you can are there people are there people like selling food like a train station

in India I wish there should be that's the only thing that would make the lazy river better in Florida as if there was a woman

with a hot cookie sheet selling bacon wrap hot dogs in one of the sandy nooks you can just venmo her on the way by yes please that would be the best how do you get back i'm sorry that i don't know anything about the lazy rivers inner city youth here what the what are the different ways that you get back to your car? I just assume that your uncle drives the car or something.

No. Like your uncle drops you off and then meets you downriver. No. They'll have it set up where they will have the parking destination and then you walk up and then ride down. Sometimes you bring your own tube. Sometimes you rent a tube. Wait, you have to walk all the way as far, you have to walk as far as you ride in the tube?

Like, it doesn't feel as far as it, it isn't the full length, but you do kind of sometimes walk up to end up back where your car is. But no, it's like, they also kind of like set it up the way a marathon is, where like you end up back where you need to be. Also, you've been drunk for two hours while this is happening. You're not registering this.

Also true. Yes. Like by the end, you're so like drunk and sun tired that you're just like, yeah, done. Do you wear a special hat? Like a big hat? You would absolutely need to wear a special hat. Okay, that was rude. First of all, that's rude. You and John Travolta

happen to be doing this. John Travolta what hat he wears. I happen to be playing a sheriff in the Deep South. This is for a role. This look is for a role. I would be heavily applying SPF on a lazy river. I'll say that.

I do too. But yeah, no. And you're saying, you're being clear because you're both a fully haired and African-American person. Yes, I am fully haired and black, but I still wear tons of sunscreen. But it's like you're moving so slowly that, yeah, you'll kind of like walk up maybe, I don't know, even maybe like a 20 minute walk. But that ends up being when you're like weaving in and out for

like an hour. And there's also different places. Like you can go farther up and go for like three hours and sometimes I'll be like, I don't want to be on this river for that long. And I'll kind of like hop in at a different part of the river. There's like different inlets. Jesse, how long are you on the river? that long and I'll kind of hop in at a different part of the river. There's different inlets that you can come to. Jesse, how long are you on the river?

Call John Travolta. I assume that the river part... Go hat shopping. Get out there. Get some tubes. Break your lifelong sobriety. Start chugging Frosé. It's fun. The water's clear and you can see to the bottom. There's just like little fish and stuff.

Once in a while I'll take a sip of my wife's cocktail. I'm curious what it tastes like. Just do that, but it's you and Travolta getting wasted on Frosé. Wearing your special hats. That does sound like a good time. That does sound like a good time. A Lazy River with John Travolta. God, that's the dream.

Straight to Redbox. I hope that that's his comedians in Cars With Coffee is him on a lazy river. Cuban with Travolta? Yes! Matt, put John Travolta through. Hey, yo, it's me, John Travolta. Wow. Yep.

Katrina had a great idea. Hey, let me hear that idea, Mr. Cotter. Oh, to your 70s Travolta. Need to know my character from the 70s show I did. Yeah. Welcome back, Cotter. Welcome back, Cotter. Yeah, that's the one.

Mr. Cotter. Hey, Horschak, you're talking too much. I don't know. I've never seen the show. I don't remember the show. Was that show even on television ever? Was it on Nick at Night or something? We had reruns of it.

Really? My mom loved it. I feel like I've seen him come downstairs. That's the only thing I have of him in my head. Did you have a question for me? You're thinking of Ray Romano on Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh, Mr. Travolta, what do you think about... Cancel culture.

We just want to steer it in another direction. Mr. Bean was telling us that you can't say anything anymore. Is that true? I'm sorry, I'm getting a call on my cellular phone from the Prime Minister of Australia. I gotta take

this. Also, he called from a landline? He says it's a... He's on a landline with us. He's old school. He's on the home phone. He's on one of those kitchen phones with a little notepad next to it. Congratulations on 800 episodes. Thank you, John.

Thank you, John. Hey, I gotta get out of here. All right. So, hey. A cavalcade of stars here. I mean, I would expect nothing less for our 800th episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Gosh, thank you so much to everybody. Incredible.

Katrina, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much to the great John Travolta. John Travolta, Paul Hogan. Elrond Hubbard. Elrond Hubbard, yes. Hovercraft, thank you Hubbard yes with Hovercraft thank you for being here

Hovercraft Moe Howard a cavalcade of stars yeah yeah Dan hey thank you

thank y'all out there for listening 800 episodes pretty wild that we've been able to goof around for that much love doing this show greatest greatest bunch of fans there for listening. 800 episodes. Pretty wild that we've been able to goof around for that much.

Love doing this show. Greatest bunch of fans you could ever hope to do anything at all for. So thank you, everybody. What fun. People that are into Harley Davidsons. What about them? It would be really cool if you made Harley Davidsons and you were the Harley Davidsons fans. Oh, hell yeah.

That'd be great. Listen. So probably ours is the second greatest. There's a lot of great fan bases out there. I mean, what about Arsenal? Arsenal fans. Yes, Arsenal supporters. Oi, oi, oi.

So Jordan Haskell fans are top three. I would say Arsenal fans. Right. Harley fans. Harley fans. Because they have, what do you call that in North Dakota where they all Stafford. Oh right where Smash Mouth

gave everybody COVID. That thing. They got that thing. We should get it. We should have a ride in. Oh yeah sure. Jordan and Jesse go ride in. We'll start planning it. Bring your mopeds, dorks. Bring your recumbent bikes.

Okay. Anyway, Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Producer Emeritus Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter, twitter.com slash JordanJesseGo. You can find us on Facebook, facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. You can find us on Facebook, facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. I would think Reddit is a nice place to share dank memes. Yes.

If you have a meme, if you've got a dank meme, if you've got a, that's some grown-up talk meme that you want to share, hit us up on Reddit. Classic grown-up talk. Katrina, can we set you want to plug your podcasts? Oh, Pop En Garde. You don't have to do Best Friends, though. Let's say it. Which one? What's active? Yeah, Pop En Garde. That's why

I said that. Now, Katrina, before we go, I have alluded several times to the fact that you have an art history podcast. This is not a joke. No. How did you come you have an art history podcast. This is not a joke. No. How did you come to have an art history? First of all, are you an art historian? At all? No.

That's why earlier I was like, no, I'm the dumbest person on the podcast. I do a podcast called Pavangard. On that podcast. You're obviously the smartest person on this podcast. Like 100%. No way, not at all. I do a podcast with other women who are art history majors and they know way more than me

and I make dumb jokes while they teach me stuff and it's really fun. But I do love art and I'm very like emotionally connected to it and then I also learn about like artists that I like. I like photography a lot so I do a lot of photographers

just like by chance but it's a really fun podcast. You just get to learn about... We like to focus on female and diverse artists that aren't the super well-known ones as much sometimes,

and then sometimes go in-depth on ones that you do know or have heard, but hear more about them, like Rothko and stuff like that. So, yeah. Guess what? I know the secret identity of one of the gorilla girls. What?

Yep. Yeah, that's right. I know her secret fucking identity. I met her. Drop it. Drop it on the podcast. No, I would never. I would never reveal the secret identity of a gorilla girl.

She's a really cool lady. She's really nice to me. I bet she wears really cool shoes. She's so really cool lady. She's really nice to me. I bet she wears really cool shoes. She's so fucking cool. Oh, yeah, she was wearing cool shoes. I feel it in my bones that she's got cool shoes. Oh, you'd say your ass she was wearing some cool shoes. Cool ass lady.

They're awesome. I wish I did anything cool like that. Anyway, for a while I had a gorilla girl's air freshener in my car that was a Gorilla Girls gorilla mask and then it said erasing the stench of the patriarchy. Nice. That was very fun. Does it smell like lavender? It smelled like bananas. Oh, nice.

What's a top artist that you've learned about on Podvanguard? What's a top artist that you've learned about on Podvanguard? Ooh, okay. Well, one that we bonded over was Artemisia Galeshi because she has a famous painting of a rendition of a beheading that people have done tons of different versions of, but they were all done by male artists and hers uh is super metal and shows like the actual cutting of this man's head and it like ties back to an assault that she had in her life and it's like this super hardcore story but the picture itself is the one

that inspired us to start the podcast because I had like gone to Italy and seen it in real life and kind of fallen in love with this painting and then my friend Andrea Guzzetta who is an amazing artist and the other person on the podcast was like hey I want to do this art history podcast and I want the first episode to be for this painting and it was that painting I was like are you kidding me I love this person so that's probably one that just like kismet wise is special. But I also did one on Lorraine O'Grady, who is just awesome black female photographer from like the 70s and 80s who did like real time stuff in Harlem that also was like photographing real time life experiences in a way that I really appreciated with things that the way even the way people are kind of doing uh photography at the strike and things like that it kind of reminds me of that um real time powerfulness of like one of her installations is pretty sweet

so that's probably my other favorite one um well hey, sounds like you've listened to 800 episodes of this. Go listen to that. It sounds like it had some substance. Listen to a couple episodes of that. Because it's also them talking about amazing art techniques and me comparing it to the Homer meme of him going into the bushes. One of the best memes. One of the best memes. You know.

On your show, do all the themes come and sort of connect at the end and it becomes like a really powerful. Thank you, Del. Thank you, Del. Thank you, Del Close. Charna, Del. Not at all. They cry and I yell at them. Stop crying so much.

I'm kidding. I don't. But yeah. You'd kick them if you had to, though. I would. Oh, yeah. Squaring the shins. That's what I'll do to you, Melbourne, if you It's good. You'd kick him if you had to, though. I would. Oh, yeah. Just queering the shins. That's what I'll do to you, Melbourne, if you come fucking crossing.

Why are you looking at me when you're talking to Melbourne? I'm not the place. So you say. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not the place. If you're Australia, look the F out. Keep your head on a swivel. Yeah.

New South Wales. I'm afraid for you. You're on notice. New South Wales. I'm afraid for you. You're on notice, New South Wales. We're going to get the, we're going to see in the newspaper, Jesse Thorne killed by a spinning box of wine. Gooned upside the head. Gooned upside the head. Youngest child taking over podcast. My favorite Gap Band song is gooned upside your head.

Okay. That's all. God, what are we doing? Thank you for listening to 800 episodes of our show. We're very proud of it and very grateful to you. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. love you