Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Aggressive Counting, with Liz Miele

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

This week we got comedian and retro lunchbox collector Liz Miele in the studio talking about the card game Skip-Bo, Jurassic Park movies, and so much more. Go see Liz Miele do stand up at a club near you!Come see Jordan Morris at the YALLWEST Book Festival in Santa Monica on May 3rd and 4th. Get your tickets to see Jordan here. And if you can't make it to LA, pre-order Youth Group here for a discount.Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code JJGO at Manscaped.com.Style that makes you feel as good as you look—get started today at Stitch Fix dot com slash stitchfix.com/JJGO.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse. You're not going with Trickshot?

You're not going with Jesse Trickshot Thorne? Yeah, I don't think, you know, the audience at home doesn't know that I'm a genius. Yeah, well, let's tell them. They don't know about- Let's stop hiding your shine under a blanket. They don't know about my gifts. Yes. And I think you're right.

I talked to my pastor. That's so important to consult your pastor before revealing anything on a podcast. My pastor told me- I actually consulted my pastor before revealing anything on a podcast. My pastor told me. I actually consulted my pastor before, our extended bit about what Yoshi sounds like when he's eating cum. Yeah.

And he said, go with God. Okay. My pastor told me that God gave me a beautiful gift and it was my job to share it with the world. Yes. My gift is miniature golf. Mm-hmm. And, um, Jordan, you were going, just for context. Yes.

You, uh... That context's so important. You went on or are going on our pals podcast, uh, Podcast the Ride. Yes. Uh, which is a themed entertainment podcast, a theme park and adjacent podcast. And in the exurbs of Los Angeles,

there is a family fun center called... Bullwinkles? Bullwinkles, yeah. Bullwinkles. I was wondering, like, is he, did he forget it or is he just gonna put a little English on it? No, I have lost the word, bullwinkles. Bullwinkles. Yeah. Bullwinkles. I was wondering, did he forget his word or he just gonna put a little English on it? I have lost the word, bullwinkles. Bullwinkles.

Yeah, so you kindly invited me and my family to go to bullwinkles with you. Right. So that you wouldn't be a creepy 40 year old man alone in a family fun center. You know, and I thought it'd be fun. It'd be nice to see us. Sure, it had a dual purpose.

Yeah. And I was frankly, I was excited about it. Yeah. Both because I was excited just that my children wanted to go somewhere with me. And because I actually, I like family fun centers. Yeah, family fun centers are fun. Yeah, like of all the things, I mean, but I don't like theme parks, especially. I like family fun centers. Yeah. Family fun centers are fun. Yeah.

Like, of all the things, I mean, I don't like theme parks, especially. Like I don't want to go on roller coasters. I don't like throngs. I don't like, there's a lot of things. You don't like Disney bounding. No. There's a lot of things that stand between me and enjoying theme parks. I don't hate them totally, but but it's not what I would choose.

Family Fun Center, though, is all the bumper cars, none of the bumping into people because there's too many people there or whatever. And I read that Bullwinkles had bumper boats. I got very excited because I definitely wanted to go on bumper boats He wanted to get splashed just a little yeah, I mean if Disneyland had batting cages, maybe I would feel differently I don't know. Yeah, Disneyland should lean just have a little area of like off-ramp fun center. Yeah

We got batting cages claw machine Just one go-kart race. Yeah. I love go-kart races. Go-kart races are fun. I'd be thrilled to go on a go-kart any time. OK, so we got to Bullwinkles, which was in Duarte? What was it? Upland. I believe it was Upland, near Pomona.

Yeah, Upland. Of course, our listeners across the world know a lot about Pomona, of course. Of course. You'll know Upland as being near Pomona. And the moral of the story here, very exurban. Middle of nowhere, we had to drive east for 40 minutes out of Los Angeles to get there.

And I had looked at the website, was very excited about Bumper Boats, very excited about all this different stuff. And we got there and learned that all of that was closed. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And all that was left was the video arcade and a weird half of a mini golf course. Right, a fairy tale themed indoor mini golf place.

Yeah, and Bullwinkles, I should say, I grew up going to A Bullwinkles. It was a chain, now I think there's, you know, just three of them left. It was themed like Rocky and Bullwinkle. It was like, it was a place to bask in the shared universe of J Ward. So, you know, you had some Dudley Do-Right stuff,

you had some underdog stuff, of course, Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumlee. You know, they were there. Yeah, of course. I mean, you can't build a family fun center without Tennessee Tuxedo. We're kind of a Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumlee. I've always felt that way. Sure, yeah.

So we got there, and there was essentially no Bullwinkle content at all of any kind. Like, there's a Bullwinkle on the front door, but there wasn't even Bullwinkles painted on the walls. Right. And the video arcade did not have Street Fighter, of any kind. Like there's a bullwinkle on the front door, but there wasn't even bullwinkles painted on the walls. And the video arcade did not have Street Fighter, which was the reason that my children had gone is because they know that you will play Street Fighter

with them. Oh boy, will I ever. Yeah. I don't like the part where I have to lose to them eventually, but you know, I can, I can. You did a great job of that. My daughter told me about how great she is at Street Fighter because she beat you last time we went.

And... I don't like her saying that around town, honestly. I do not like her saying that around town. So because the... Rep, god damn it. Because the video arcade was entirely non-marshall in nature. Like, it was just a few things where you get tickets and Mario Kart, and, like, it was just no, like...

Yeah, no, like, classic games. Yeah, usually those places will have a little classic corner with Ms. Pac-Man and maybe a Street Fighter and some stuff kind of like that. Very indifferent video arcade. Very half-assed video arcade. And so we ended up playing mini-golf, which is great. I love to play mini-golf. Same here.

I love, we weren't keeping score, which I loved. Oh, okay. Ever since I think the last made big fight I got in with my dad was over mini-golf, when I was, I'm gonna say 20. Right. Um, and, uh, so I, I like that we weren't keeping score. And my, my youngest child, Frankie, was, um,

is not capable of seeing a game of mini-golf through at age seven, not interested in- 18 holes, that's a lot of holes. Yeah, no, but generally not interested in the way that the game works. And we were able to accommodate that entirely because this was such a chill, semi-abandoned... Yeah.

And... Yeah, you could do whatever on that mini golf course. Truly. And Frankie was. Sure. Like, the mere fact that Frankie did not climb into the water feature was what counted it as a win for me. Like, there was no permanent damage to it. No one would have cared.

Yeah, that's true. That's very true. And something magical happened when we were playing miniature golf, which was I lined up a shot that was the kind of shot where you put it straight down the lane, it goes into something, and then that comes out and makes a full 90 degree or 180 degree turn.

So it turns it all the way back around. So it's headed back towards you. I don't think this was a windmill, but it was like a lighthouse or something. Yeah. One of the things about this fairy tale theme is that it was very loose. It was very unclear what fairy tale each hole was relating to.

It was sort of just some trolls and old shoes, et cetera, themed. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. Like, oh, here's a dragon over here. Right. And... Here are some public domain things.

Yeah. Which is weird because they are, they have a license. They have the rights to something that people like because it's good. Bullwinkle's funny. Yeah. So anyway, the event that you're referring to... The trick shot.

A lot of people have probably heard about it already, so... Right, yeah. Because the word travels fast, but someone does something that's incredible. It was on the chive. Um, but I putted, I putted it way too hard. Mm-hmm. Uh, it bounced, it bounced up into the,

what did we decide it was, a shoe? Uh, lighthouse? Lighthouse, yeah. It bounced up, hit the lighthouse did we decide it was, a shoe? Lighthouse. Lighthouse, yeah. It bounced up, hit the lighthouse, came straight back at me, but at a 20 degree angle, fucking rolled straight into the hole. Hole in fucking one. I got a hole in one while skipping the entire mechanism.

Didn't go in the tube at all. Nope. Fucking task master style. Hole in one. Well, we have a wonderful guest. We style. Whole in one. Well, we have a wonderful guest. We do. On our program. She has a brand new special and album called Murder Sheets,

stand-up comic all the way from New York City, Liz Mealy. Hi, Liz. I didn't know I was in the presence of greatness. Well. I feel like that story was told to like to almost put me in my place Like it was like it was just like come on our podcast say whatever you'd like But first we need to start with a story about how I'm the best

So I guess Liz First question for you. What have you ever done? What's funny is the whole time you're talking I was like, oh my god I wish I met you at the beginning of the week. I did go-karting with my siblings Yes with my my brother my brother my sister and my brother-in-law and me and my brother were nuts Like we did three it we did three runs He won the first one fought that I won the second one and then and then there was like nobody there We went in the afternoon and then by the third time there were people there and some guy named Aiden beat both of us.

Fucking Aiden! Fucking Aiden. Believe me. Fucking Aiden! I mean like we got the printouts, my mom. Don't get me started on Skylar by the way. Oh my God. It's always an Aiden or a Skylar.

But Aiden, and Aiden like spun out a couple of times. You can tell how he drives in LA for real. But we did go-karting, we did mini golf. Nobody got a hole in one, sorry. I'm glad I didn't invite you. But like, it was, I did some shot, I mean keep in mind I played shit the whole time. But I did some like three par shot

that was that kind of magic for me. But it was like, you know, different levels, right? If you're at a Tiger level, I'm at whatever, you know, minor leagues of mini-g Yeah, a baby Tiger. I did a baby Tiger. And what else did we do? We just did, like, I mean, we play a lot of card games. Like, in general, it's just been...

You guys sound fun. You guys are really doing family fun activities. Well, it's because it's half our family. I feel bad. So I'm one of five kids, and my dad's not here, my older sister's not here, and my younger brother's not here. So it's the-

They died in a car accident. Yeah, they're all dead. So it's the middle kids and my mom, and we're the ones that do things. Wow. Did you have any children with you or was this all- No, we are the children. Man, that's great, love it.

Yeah, my siblings are younger than me, so I'm 38, Em is 32, 33, and Sam's 30. So it's just a bunch of mid-30 year olds and my mom. Was there like a family sign up sheet or you know, Zillow, what do you call that? What's the thing where you check when you're available and you're not available?

I know what you mean, it's not Zillow. It's a real estate website. I do know what you're talking about. So. Did you guys all buy a house on Zillow together? We did, we built a house together. You guys opened a surf channel, is that correct? This has accidentally happened a couple of times

and then we've just kind of gone with it because my little sister moved to LA like seven years ago and my mom doesn't like flying and she absolutely doesn't like flying by herself. So she'll come with me when I'm doing gigs out here. So then it became my mom, me, and Em. And then Sam was living at home at the time, and he's like, I'll come.

And so it was like a way for him to fly with my mom so I didn't have to fly with my mom if I was already gonna be on the West Coast. And then my older sister has kids, my baby brother has a real job, he's a lawyer. And then my dad. My little sister's a lawyer. And then my dad. My little sister's a lawyer. Yeah, there's always one child

that has to make somebody proud. One sensible one and one creative one. Yeah, yeah. And ours is like it's a bracket of sensible kids and then the middle is just like where, I guess my mom smoked. I don't know, none of us have real jobs. Mom smoked for a period.

Yeah, no, she was sad in the middle. And my dad just doesn't want to be around us. So it's like, it works out. But like, we come together for the holidays and stuff. Oh my gosh. But it is, it's become this half-vacay, and it's kind of around my schedule, and then if my sister can take off, she'll take off.

So it's like, it's kind of all accidental, and we do the same thing. Like, my boyfriend is working out here, and I was like, you want to come hang out with my family? It's this. Oh, yeah. Had they met, or was this mini-golf thing, like, meet the family and play mini-golf with them?

Well, he has to work during the day. So he comes in and has to. I made him play card games mostly. Like, he'll be, like, tired from working 10 hours. What are we talking about? Pinnacle? Canasta? OK, Skippo, which is just counting,

if you don't know Skippo. It's just aggressive counting. We'll do Exploding Kasta. Okay, Skippo, which is just counting, if you don't know Skippo. It's just aggressive counting. We'll do Exploding Kittens. Two, three, four. I've never heard of this game before. You've Skippo'd before, Jordan. I hear you've Skippo'd before. Was I doing it there?

You were Skippoing. Whoa. How'd I do? It's a, you did great. You actually won. I'm a little Aiden over here with the Skippoing. Five. More of a Skyler. I don't even, my friend got. I'm a little Aiden over here with the skip-owing. Five! More of a Skyler.

My friend got me into it a couple years ago and I taught my mom, my parents, it's just like the perfect, you can be mean and hurt people but you don't have to fully be mentally in the game. Right. I think that's important. So it's a nice game that gives you cover for cruelty

without requiring too much of your attention? 100%. So could you have something on TV in the background? Yes. I love this. Yeah, no seriously, it's a very simple card game and you just kind of have to look around and make sure that you're screwing somebody over

as you're taking care of your own needs. And I think that's really what we all aspire to. And then you can mostly pay attention to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Yeah, absolutely. And so we do, we play it during the holidays. I just like to put on old parades on YouTube. Yeah, no, you should.

That sounds nice. Pretended Thanksgiving. See if Garfield falls on someone. Ugh, I love it when Garfield falls on someone. But yeah, I don't know. I think we are a family of shit talkers and anything. So like mini golf, you can shit talk. Oh yeah, we can.

I mean, I feel like card games, you can shit talk. I can't. Board games, all board games. That was kind of where we landed with Frankie was that like, she didn't, she kind of stopped wanting to try and do the golfing herself but wanted to interrupt our golfing, which was fun. She wanted to be kind of a human obstacle.

Yeah. How old is she? Which is seven. Oh, yeah. My niece is six, and she's hurt my feelings. Like, she is genuinely. I was like, oh, I wish we didn't teach you how to talk. That was both really smart, funny, and hurtful.

Are you as famous as Amy Schumer? No, she's not there yet. She doesn't know what I do, but thank God. But she, I don't know, she's just, they pick, I don't know, I have to see the movie Trolls. I feel like half her personality is from the movie Trolls because they watch it all the time. And she said some sassy stuff that I'm like,

if you came up with that yourself, I'm proud of you, and if you didn't, I'm hurt. It's just something Justin Timberlake said. Yeah, yeah, probably. My little sister just had a baby. My baby, she had it a while ago. Baby's almost a year old, and his first words... How long ago would you say that she had this baby?

Well, almost a year ago. Okay. That adds up. Okay. His first words to me were, when are you gonna be on SNL? Yeah, no, that's every baby. Yeah are you gonna be on SNL? Yeah, no, that's everybody So yeah, you should go on SNL. Yeah, a lot of babies tell me oh you're a you're a writer Have you seen have I seen anything you've done?

No I told you no You ever watch action sports television Remember deep cable I was huge on deep cable remember channel 416. Did you go to any sports bars in 2010? Liz we're making fun of the low points of my resume high points. Oh, I don't know what they are medium point an interesting point Thank you nice of you. That was a cool job, that was a fun job. Nice of you to say.

What I think is really important is nobody looks at resumes anymore. There you go. So I really think it's a thing we built up that nobody even cares about anymore. I just try and send, I just send people DVDs of the IFC 15-minute television program that I hosted for nine months.

I love that. And that's gotten me a lot of respect from my family. Well, physical media is kind of fun now. It's like, oh, look at these. When's the last time I put one of these in? And people kind of have fun with it. You can upcycle them, make them into earrings. That's true.

Sharpen them, make them into ninja stars. Like, it's really about figuring out other ways to use your career for the benefits of others. I love creative weaponry. Me too, me too. I actually just bought, speaking of physical media, I just bought a hundred video rentals. Oh!

What does that mean? Well, a video rental is like, there's like a store, the racks of films, and then you choose one, and you get to keep it for a few days? They have those still? Yeah. So for a long time, right on the corner by my house, there was a ceramic studio.

Yes. And it was an interesting experience to have the ceramic studio there, because the woman who owned the ceramic studio was always looked very angry and was always smoking out front just kind of always smoking out front and in fact I would say half of the Yelp reviews of this ceramic studio involved this woman smoking right sounds like her kids are gonna be creative the studio she owned the studio okay I was just confused okay yeah all right her ceramic studio well I don't think you've ever

owned a ceramic studio, so you don't really know the stresses of that lifestyle. That's true, Jesse, that's true. And I do feel some judgment when you don't really understand the difficulty of clay. The price, yeah, clay can be difficult, the price of clay keeps going up. I know that for some time in the 80s,

your mother, I understand, had owned a ceramic studio. Yeah, no, I come from a long lineage of ceramic owners and I just feel like you came in pretty hot, judgmental. Horny couples just wanna go in and do the ghost thing and you gotta look the other. Yeah, they don't take the craft seriously. Right, they're just there. They're just there for the paranormal

and it's not just about paranormal. It's really about the shape. It can be a little oblong, it can be a little off. That's okay. That's a creative choice, but you have to, your heart has to be into it. So I had taken a ceramics class at the Barnes-Dahl Arts Center, a park where you can take arts classes, and I did very badly, like actively very badly. And there was, class was run, I had had this very nice experience

taking a photography class there. We have famously delicate hands. It's true, I do, I do. You're always cracking those safes. And, and the woman who ran the class was a very contemptuous French woman who had no interest in helping me. She was really just upset that I was not doing well.

And it's like, this is not a graded course. Is she Italian? I don't know. I gave $15 to the city of Los Angeles that I was not doing well. And it's like, this is not a graded course. Is he Italian? I gave $15 to the city of Los Angeles to take this class. So I had a little bit of resentment against the world of ceramics. And I think I also like, it attracted a certain kind of very attractive 31-year-old woman

that I was uncomfortable being around. Like, they stood out very conspicuously in my neighborhood, which is not a neighborhood that is very ceramics. My neighbors are not, we're not taking the ceramics classes. Let me put it that way. So it was an awkward fit for me. That moved out and a video store moved in. And this was, I mean, as you know, Jordan,

my oldest child, Gracie, is obsessed with physical media, obsessed with old movies, and has collections of VHS tapes and 3D Blu-rays. How old? She is now 12. But this has been going on since she was like five. Wild. Did you have a little kid obsession?

Did you have a weird collection? Yeah, I still do. I collect 80s and 90s plastic lunch boxes. OK. Yeah, my cat's name is Lunchbox. OK. That brings it. Do we have an extra Bravestar Lunchbox here?

Shut up. I like the plastic ones. It's a plastic one. What are your top lunchboxes? Thank you. Other than your cat. Thank you so much for asking. I have Mork and Mindy. I got that when I was 15 for $3.

That's a good lunchbox. I have New Kids on the Block. I got in Tennessee for $2. I've had four people try to buy it off me and I was like, no. For how much? I don't care. I never asked. for $2. I've had four people try to buy it off me, and I was like, no. For how much? I don't care. I never asked. It was, I found it. It's mine.

Every lunchbox has a price. The plastic ones are actually kind of harder than the tin ones I found. And they're starting, like, and I won't, like, I've only bought one, like, online because I wanted it. It was the Ghostbusters. But for the most, like, most part, it's like I like the finding of it.

It has to come into your life. Yes, I feel like it has to organically, like it has to choose me, because like, I go on, I pretty much do, people ask me if the road is lonely, and maybe it is for other people, but I do the same thing I would do everywhere in every city I go to. So I usually get bubble tea,

I go to find like a cool coffee shop, I like local art, and I like like vintage stores, and I get, when I was, when I had no money, money. These are great go-tos, oh my gosh. Thank you so much. When I had no money, my budget was $10. And now that I'm doing a little bit better, my budget is $30. And you can get a lunchbox that nobody wants

for under $30. Oh yeah, no, a lunchbox, a plastic lunchbox. I would say that's an antique small item. It is, and you know what? You can put stuff in it, it fits in your bag. So it's a perfect chaos. Well, we may literally have a Brave Star lunch. Like, I was not making that up. That we had years ago, I mentioned my Brave Star lunch

box that I got as a child despite never having seen or having any interest in the television show Brave Star, which was a Space Western of some kind. And when I say Space Western, I mean like there was a horse that wore a cowboy hat that stood on his hind legs and shot laser guns. Yeah, of course. And I think Hodgman sent it in the mail.

I think beautiful. He ordered it. But I may have thrown it away because I hated looking at it because the Brave Star lunchbox is very ugly. Yeah, I mean, lunchboxes, all it is is a piece of plastic with a sticker on it, but it's a sticker of memories.

Yeah, that really is a sticker of memories. Peewee's Playhouse, that's the one I'm the most proud of. I was gonna ask, two questions. One, do these- I will give you one, sorry. Okay, okay. I know this is a podcast. Okay, I gotta choose between, is the thermos still in there, or what's your grail box? Grail box?

Like your, holy grail. What's your white will? Like if you're- Where have you been searching for? If you're out there at, you know, Minneapolis, and you're going to the, you know, St. Vincent de Paul. That's such a good question. You can think about that. I do want to hear about Jessie's 100 video store rentals.

Is that something we should come back to? We should come back to it. Okay. Or come back to it. Okay. Or come back to it like immediately. Be tough to beat Pee Wee's Playhouse. Tough to beat Pee Wee's Playhouse? So the one that I got that took, is the only one that I bought

cause I like needed it, was dinosaurs. Cause I remember watching it, like not the mama. Oh, the Jim Henson. Yeah. That's a good one. We were a big dinosaurs house. I'll be honest, I paid 30 bucks for it, like Not the Mama. Oh, the Jim Henson. Yeah. That's a good one. We were a big dinosaurs house.

I'll be honest, I paid 30 bucks for it, which is crazy, because for the most part, I've never paid more than like $7 for a lunchbox. Does it say Not the Mama on it? No, it's just like the whole family, but I have to say, I like, I saw it, and I was like, oh, I need it. Like I just, I mean, my whole family loved that show.

I was in the third grade, like I just, I needed it. Yeah. I'm a dinosaurs family here too. My mom liked watching dinosaurs. Oh yes! You've met my mom, my mom doesn't like watching any normal thing. Dinosaurs is pretty weird.

I mean I think given your mom's... Parents liked it, it was weird. By both my parents. They had good values. The dinosaur kids never talked back to the dinosaur parents, except for the baby who hit the dad with a frying pan, which is a kind of back talk, I guess. And said, not the mama.

And said, not the mama. And then he rapped as well. But now I understand what you mean about physical media. So I'm like, oh, I guess I am that kid. I didn't realize. You taught me something about myself. So my child is completely obsessed with this stuff. And so it was like a real miracle to have this move into the...

Yeah, this is video tech, right? Video tech, exactly. This was in Pasadena near me. They moved. I was devastated. Pasadena's lost. You're gained. It's like very close to your house.

Yeah, I mean, it's like... With a dock shoe. Yeah, I could throw a rock at it from my house. And I have. And I feel bad about it now. You didn't get to throw rocks at something. It's hard enough to run a video store without a guy breaking your windows with rocks just to show how far he can throw.

But I also just put a shed in my backyard to work in. And there wasn't room in the wall for a television, because where the windows are and stuff. So I put it in a projector. And then I was like, well, if I'm going to have a projector, I should get a 4K Blu-ray player. Then I got that, and I was like, well, I'm not going to buy 4K Blu-rays.

I'm not that guy. And I was like, oh, but shit, there's a fucking video store across the street from my house. So you're watching high-def video in the shed. Yeah, so I'm watching fucking ultra high-def off of disk, like God and New York Times columnist Jamel Bowie intended. When you said 4K Blu-ray, I immediately thought of Jamel Bowie.

Yeah. And, uh. He'll tell you when you get the good transfer of Hunt for Red October. Exactly. And I went in there, and they had a whiteboard behind the counter. I don't know how they're doing.

I hope they're doing well. I want them to stay around for a long time. Yeah, I used to go a lot when they were in Pasadena. And yeah, there's always a fun crowd of people with David Lynch shirts in there. Exactly. Yeah, they got a little section of records. They got a couple old arcade games.

It's a very fun store. Yeah, the volume of WFMU bumper stickers on my street has exploded by 10,000%. But I went in there. I have a quick question. Do you feel it's almost like a fuck you to streaming? Yeah, I mean, I think people like, people want to have the specialist version of it

because they're the most special and serious about it. And I think also the streaming services are all kind of a weird shitty mess, right? There was like a moment where you're like, I can't get any better than this. And then they, I don't know if it was between making their own content or fighting for the ability to have old shows.

But now there's just one show on every streaming network, and that's the only reason you have it. Well, what it is is it's like you turn on the streaming thing, and then there's just a giant picture of that one show, and you can't figure out how to get away from that. You press left, left, left. I don't care if it's cake. I don't care if it's cake.

It keeps showing it to me. It keeps showing it to me. Keeps showing it to me. So they- And like streaming services don't have any old shit anymore, basically. It's like they will have one or two black and white things just to have them. They'll have charade or something.

I don't think charade's in black and white, but you can do what I'm saying. But charade is in the public domain. So they do all have charade. Oh, is it? That's really funny. I didn't know that. Yeah, so like- Nobody hasn it but charade is in the public domain so they do all actually funny I didn't know that yeah so like he hasn't watched charade I was basically the best public domain thing you could ever watch in a million years or a great movie and but yeah I think the last thing I rented at the

video store before it moved was the long long trailer the Lucy Desi comedy about the trailer fad that was apparently a thing. They get a trailer and it falls over a lot, real funny. Excellent, yeah. But yeah, that's something that will not be on anything you subscribe to. And so yeah, so I think if you like movies that, you know. Or just talking to a friendly

but also vaguely contemptuous lady with a nose ring. Yeah, no, I mean, that's half the reason you choose what coffee shop you go to. Right. Yeah. It's a total dream. They're so great. And there was a board behind the thing that's... because it cost five bucks or something to rent a video.

I don't know. And behind the desk, there was a whiteboard. You know how some people have art talent and then they decorate things in stores? Mm-hmm. Like, you know, crater Joe sign sure yeah I don't know how people can do that. I can't do anything. Yeah, anyway, it's amazing It was all decorated and it said for 250 bucks you get a hundred video rentals And I'm like fuck it do it just giving them 250 fucking dollars

And then my kid can walk across the street and get a video whenever she wants she she needed to watch She needed to watch like the the she needed to watch, like, the fall of the House of Usher or something, except it wasn't even the fall of the House of Usher. It was a second tier. It was the haunted mansion. She went in and said, do you have the haunted mansion? And they said, uh, 1958, Vincent Price?

And she's like, yeah. And they're like, yeah, let me show you where it is. Yeah. That was my experience in that place, is I would ask for something kind of weird and they would say they would know exactly Where it was go over here And I don't think that they could control the I know I think they're nice people they just communicated manner Yeah, like I think they live their life in a, like it's a resting bitch face adjacent phenomenon where they just live in a constant state of,

ah, but actually they're being very friendly. Sure. They're just doing it while also going, ah. Anyway, it is... Congratulations. It is very exciting for me. Went ahead and rented Jurassic Park 3 in 4K. Which, guys, I'm not a liar,

so I'm not gonna lie to you. I watched Jurassic Park 3. I liked it pretty well. Jurassic Park 3 gets a bad rap. It's got William H. Macy. It's got a Spinosaurus. It's got all the Ta-Le-O-Nia you could ever want. All the Ta-Le-O. When did it come out?

Yeah, late 90s, early 2000s. I'm gonna put it in 1998. Which one was the girl that did gymnastics? That was Jurassic Park 2. You know what else gets a bad rap? That movie. I like the gymnastics. Well, I was a gymnast when I was younger,

that's why I remember it. Were you stoked? Yeah, of course I was. I was just like, yeah, I wanna fucking do a whatever spinny thing, I can't remember what it is, and kick a dinosaur. Like, I wanna. Yeah, that's exactly what you wanna do.

Like, why else would I learn those skills if I couldn't use it to protect my family? Yeah, you're not gonna use a fucking gymnastics skills to pet a dinosaur. Yeah, well, not if they're gonna act like that. Those are some violence. Not if they're to protect my family. Yeah, you're not gonna use a fucking gymnastic skills to pet a dinosaur. Yeah, well not if they're gonna act like that. Those are for violence. Not if they're gonna eat my family. If we learned anything from Gymkada.

That's right, that's right. Gymnastics are for violence. I really love that you bought this gift for your daughter and now she can just, I don't know, go in there. She can rent as many Jurassic parks as she wants. Yeah, that's like, I don't know. That's kind of beautiful. It is kind of beautiful. And next thing you know, she's. Yeah, that's like, I don't know. That's kind of beautiful. It is kind of beautiful.

And next thing you know, she's gonna be out of the house kicking raptors out of windows. Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon. So do they just, they keep track of your 100 rentals. I just, I love the idea that that's the milestone, right? Like you go to prom or you go to college or whatever, but the milestone is we're gonna be like a hundred and then you guys have like I don't know. Right. I think it's kind of videotaped pinata. I think there's a three

month project. Yeah. I really think I think these movies are going down. I think we're not gonna knock them out. I'm trying to get my kid to watch The Sting with me which is the biggest dad move I've ever pulled in my life. That's advanced dadding. I know, trying to get your kid to watch The Sting. But you know what? I really wanted to watch this. I haven't seen The Sting in a long time. Fucking love The Sting.

Just say it's exactly like Jurassic Park 3, but with a casino. Yeah. Wanna know my favorite dad moment? What's that? My dad loves Hallmark movies, like those Christmas Hallmark movies. Really? Interesting.

Loves them. Okay. Loves them. OK. Loves them. Lives in a fantasy world, loves them. And so that's like the, like me and my sister will make that promise for Christmas that we'll watch one of them with him. But they're so bad.

Like they're so bad. And he doesn't like when we make fun of them, because we make fun of them hard. How many of them will he watch in a given holiday season? Because there's dozens now. I mean, there's a Christmas. Is he Hallmark specific? He's Hallmark specific. I mean, he watches other Christmas movies.

He likes all the classics and stuff. But he'll get mad at you if you watch a Christmas movie in July or whatever. He's like after Thanksgiving to Christmas is you when you watch the Christmas movies. And it has to be in that bracket. But he likes watching them. And so that's literally one of our gifts

is that we'll sit down and watch them and not make fun of them. And so it was like during the day, maybe like... Did you at least get to like pick that you're gonna watch the Lindsay Lohan one or something? Um, he'll usually give you a couple of descriptions. So he gives this description and we start watching it, and I feel really bad. It's like a different level.

The other ones are like kind of funny bad. This one's like one to jab your eyes out. And they start with a business woman moves back to her hometown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I looked at my dad and I go, dad, this is like a really bad You've Got Mail. And he's like, it is.

I was like, can we just watch You've Got Mail? And he's like, yeah. And then we watched You've Got Mail. And it was just like, it was like, and I felt really, cause I was like, yeah. And then we watched you've got mail. And it was just like, it was like, and I felt really, cause I was like, I made this promise. And this is like a thing I told him what to do. But it was like, I mean, I was like writhing. Like I could not sit still and I'm trying not to look

at my phone, but anything is better than this acting and the script. And then when I said that to him, he's like, yeah, it's a great idea. And then we had the best time watching you've got mail. And that's, that's called compromise. My dad taught me that word. Could you just get him to watch This Christmas with you?

This Christmas? Which one is This Christmas? That's where the lady from Game of Thrones, the little blonde lady from Game of Thrones, and a hunky Asian guy whose name I don't remember, very hunky though. Sounds hunky. Are in a movie that Paul Feig directed.

I love him. Based on the Wham song. Or George Michael song. Is it a Wham song or a George Michael song? I think it is a Wham, but. Okay. This is like a Mad Libs. Last Christmas, last Christmas.

Now this Christmas is done. If it is a Wham, I'm gonna say thank you ma'am. Okay. Did it come out recently? I think I do remember advertisements for this. Gotta put it at five years ago. Okay. And you know what? It's fucking great. Did it come out recently? I think I do remember advertisements for this. Kind of put it at five years ago. And you know what?

It's fucking great. Has a very weird premise that I would be a spoiler for me to reveal what the premise is. And that part's weird. But it turns out that the little blonde lady from Game of Thrones is a great romantic comedy actor. She's legitimately really funny and delightful in the movie, just delightful.

I'm gonna pass that on. But can I guess the twist? Yeah. He turned out to be a raptor and she kicks him out of a window. Yeah, you guessed it. Yes, yes. Now Liz isn't even gonna watch it.

Yeah, I know the blending. Now that she knows what happens in the movie. Well. Why don't we take a break and- Let's take a break, let's find a new Christmas movie to watch cause that one's spoiled and we'll come back later. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This episode of Jordan Jesse Goh is a salute to the members of MaximumFun.org.

This one's for you, babies. That's what I've got. We've got Don Rickles here in full uniform. Right. Yes. Bob Hope is singing right now. A salute to our boys, girls, and others who support Jordan Jesse Goh.

Thank you. Thank you to you. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's the Coach Thieves song. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Our act in this salute is singing the Coach Thieves song.

We're also supported this week. Ladies and gentlemen, Dabber. Dabber. Dabber. Dabber. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. He does the same act. Well, then.

He wasn't paying attention back there. He comes out to Genuine's pony. Ha ha ha. Bow. Bow. Bow. That's how that song starts. Uh, okay. Um, Manscaped.

Manscaped! Also supported this week by the folks over there at Manscaped. Nice to have Manscaped back. My bush was out of control. Oh, yeah. Listen, Manscaped isn't supporting the show. Jesse and I are a mess downstairs. We're just downstairs.

It's a nightmare. Downstairs disaster. It's a nightmare down there. Here's what Manscaped does. Manscaped is, of course, the company that makes grooming your carpets and drapes easier. That's right. With their new lawnmower 5.0, Jordan.

That's even more, I mean, what's Windows on, 3.1? Oh yeah, Manscaped is so much better than Windows. Well, maybe we gotta wait for the Lawn Mower 95. Sure. It has the start button. Yeah. Here's the thing. These Manscaped trimmers, and I'm speaking specifically about the Lawn Mower 5.0,

they are such a pleasure to groom with. I love using my manscaped tools on my tools. You can use them in the water. Yeah, I like doing it. I manscaped in the shower, Jesse. Yeah, that is the absolute place to do it. And the new fifth generation, two different skin safe blade heads, a standard one for taking a little off the top,

and a new foil blade to go smooth wherever your heart desires. I went smooth. You went smooth, that's really nice. Oh, I went smooth, I went smooth. You used that foil. Hey, spring cleaning doesn't just apply to the nether regions.

Get the full grooming experience with Manscaped's signature Beard Hezure Pro Kit and Handyman Electric Face Shaver. There's, look, there's a, there's a Manscaped for every hair. That's true. If there's a hair, Manscaped can pull it out if you want. They do make some pet groomers, too. Do they? No. OK.

But for your nards. Oh, yeah. There you go. They got ones for your nards. There you go. Get 20% off in free shipping with the code JJGOATMANSCAPED.COM. That's 20% off in free shipping with the code JJGOATMANSCAPED.COM. Nothing like a little spring cleaning in your pants.

We're also sponsored this week by Stitch Fix. Now here's another old favorite. We love them. Stitch Fix, a great service. You get a personal stylist. They understand your style. They understand what you like, what you need, your sizes. That's very important. Your budget. And the stylist does the shopping for you. They send you a nice little box of clothes and shoes

that they think you'll like. And in my experience, I usually like several of the pieces. The ones that aren't for you, you send them back in a convenient envelope that is big enough for everything. This envelope, I know that we really focus on this envelope when we should be focusing on the great clothes that they pick out for you. The clothes are great, the envelope, it's huge! The envelope is such a thrill every time.

Yeah. Because it's got everything on it already. You don't have to, you don't even have to print out a thing and tape it to something. You don't have to print a thing, you don't have to find scotch tape, it is ready to go. You just put the stuff in the envelope and throw it at the mailman and you're set. There you go. It's so easy. It's so much fun.

And the clothes that Stitch Fix sends are great. For instance, Summer's coming. It's a-coming and I'm going to need some new shorts. Summer, she's a-coming. And I just told my Stitch Fix stylist. Sumer is a-coming in. Sumer is a-coming. I was just, Sumer is a-coming.

And they knew exactly what I was talking about. And in my next box, I'm going to get some short options. So I'm looking forward to the short pants that Stitch Fix is going to send along. And you know, when you say that they have all the sizes, not only do they have a huge array of sizes from very, very small to very large, they also know your size. So more than just large, extra large, 3XL, whatever, they know what your body is like because they know what has fit you in the past and what you've told them about how you like clothes to fit.

And they will send you things that actually fit without you having to try on 75 things in a row. Style that makes you feel as good as you look. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. That's StitchFix.com slash JJ Go. StitchFix.com slash JJ Go. Jordan, I went and bought you and Elliot's comic books at the comic book store.

Oh my god. Thank you so much. Yeah, it was really fun. Then I found out apparently I bought the wrong one of yours because I bought the classic one instead of the newest one No, Jesse, you didn't you bought so there's been two issues of pops chocolate shop of horrors from Archie comics Yeah, you bought the first issue. Yeah, which is like sold out. I don't know how you got this thing I haven't seen one of these in the wild. I went to the comic book store. Oh, yeah. Well, I asked the nice man

You know what the nice you know what the niceyear-old young man that worked at the comic book store said? I said, oh, yeah, I'm getting one of these Archie comics. And he goes, oh, you like this. They're funny. These are funny. Stamp of approval. Yeah.

These are funny. Stamp. When you set out to write a comic book, that is all you want, is the approval of the comic book store guy. That is what you are working for. These are funny. Amazing. I feel so good. He didn't say that about Elliot's comic though.

Sorry Elliot. Maybe he probably just hasn't read Elliot's. I've read some of Elliot's Disney comics. Elliot did Hercules number one, yeah. But I'm just saying. Didn't get the... Yeah, only about Jordan's. But yeah, Pops Chocolate Shop of Horrors, colon fresh meat. Ah. yeah, Pops Chocolate Shop of Horrors colon fresh meat.

Ah, that's the sequel. The latest Pops Chocolate Shop of Horrors should still be available on the Archie Comics website and at your local comic book store. And you download it in your comic book app. Do that too. They got electric comic book apps now. There's tons of them.

And hey, if you want to come see me in person and get some comic books signed, I'm going to be at the Yall West Festival in Santa Monica, May 3rd and 4th. May 3rd and 4th, that's a ticketed event and my birthday, so you should probably come out to that. But May 4th, that is free for everybody, so if you're in Santa Monica, go to the Yall West website. And if you are not in Santa Monica and you want to buy some books to the YallWest website. And if you are not in Santa Monica

and you want to buy some books through the YallWest website, some of that money goes to cool programs for kids in underfunded public schools. So come on out to the thing. And maybe if you can't come out, check out their website. There's like tons of cool authors. And if you buy their books through there,

the money goes to a good cause. So you can get yourself a bubble. You can get yourself a youth group pre-order. Yeah, All West, great festival run by our pal Jennifer Marmer, the producer of Judge John Hodgman, her husband Shane. I don't know if he's still running it, but he helped found it. He's involved. He's involved, great. Wonderful dude, great festival for young adult literature.

So if you're in Southern California, get your butt out there and you know, send your librarians, all the librarians you know to. That's right, yallwest.com and yeah, just browse for some books over there if you can't make the festival. You know what, just browse for some books. Browse for some books.

Go on the website, it's your own little fucking book fair. Have a fun little book fair. And you know what? Once you choose the book, choose any pencil you want. There you go. You can't get a Ferrari poster, but... You can pre-order Youth Group. Yeah, okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Just a go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Norris, boy detective. Liz Meili, go-kart champion. Did you know? This is something I learned recently about go-karts. Okay, so I've gone in driven go-karts. I don't know if I've done it. Maybe I've done it once as an adult. But Liz and I were talking during the break.

Her family lives in Northern Virginia. My family, much of my mother's family, lives in the Washington, DC, and sort of central Northern Virginia area. And I had an uncle who was a bit of a, you know, he was a fire chief and had a powerboat and livestock. You know, this kind of guy. Man's man.

Yeah. And he took us go-karting. So when I would go visit my aunt and uncle, we'd all go go-karting, me and my two cousins. And I just thought of it as like an innocent family fun activity, which it was in that context. But did you know that like race car drivers race go-karts until they can get license, driver's licenses?

No. There's like youth motorsports is driving go-karts. Right. So like the little league of NASCAR is go-karts. So like the little league of NASCAR is go-karts. Is driving super, super fast go-karts. That makes sense to me. Yeah, it's wild.

And I mean, that's the little league of. It's also a gateway. It's a gateway, yeah. The little league of underground fighting is playing Street Fighter at the, yeah. It prepares you to go into an international fighting tournament, where some people have superpowers and some people don't.

Yeah, do some of them not have superpowers? Let's see, who, god, this is gonna be great. Jordan, don't fuck this up, because we will get letters. Well, yeah, I know. Balrog does not have superpowers. He's just a boxer. OK. Vega, no Vega, no superpowers.

He just has a claw. He has a cool mask. And a cool mask. But he has a claw? Yeah. I mean, is that a type of superpower? That's true claw ownership. Yeah, he could just simply stab someone to death.

That's true. This is really speaking to you guys' claw privilege. That's right. That you wouldn't recognize that not everyone has a claw. I think it's normal to have a claw. Of course it's a super-polite- Well, I inherited my parents' claw, of course. I've inherited claw wealth.

Some of the guys from Street Fighter seem like regular guys until they shoot fireballs or whatever. You're right. So like some guys, like one guy is super stretchy, that's a superpower. Mm-hmm. Right? One guy is big and green, that's a superpower. Sure. Okay? Some guys are just regular karate guys and then they're like,

oh yeah, I forgot, one more thing. Yeah. Pfft! Zangief, no superpower. I guess he has some supernatural wrestling moves. It's like the Russian-y guy? That's him. Yeah.

I would be really upset if I was one of the ones that didn't have superpowers, which I think is the whole plot of Encanto, by the way. As you're talking, I was like, oh, this is, this is, I cried during that movie. So I think if I was one of the people that didn't have superpowers, like I'm just fighting, I'm like, you what, what do you mean? I'm just trying to punch you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this isn't a fair fight.

I liked the movie in Kanto. I liked it too, but I had some real middle child feel, like I cried pretty hard and I called my sister and I was like, I don't know, I might have to call my therapist. I was like, I think I just, I triggered myself somehow with a Disney movie. Right, you have to email your therapist,

can we have a midweek session? And she's just like, you saw in Kanto, right? Yeah, no, I've had a very busy week. Yeah, a lot of people are scheduling new sessions because of Kanto. Yeah, no, it was great, but it was a lot of feeling not good enough and not wanted and middle child syndrome. Let's you'll get those superpowers someday I don't know if that's true. You will you know what? Listen, just find yourself a radioactive spider. Yeah

Or some gamma rays honestly, I drop I'm one of those people that drop their vitamins I take a lot of vitamins. Don't know if they do anything I drop them they're on a dirty floor and I'm like, whatever, the vitamin will cancel out the bacteria and it'll be fine, and I've yet to get superpowers, because I think that's how I'm gonna get them. I feel like I'm leaning into, because you bring briefly up the vitamins

in your stand-up comedy ways. What is the most unusual vitamin? Because I know, I mean, look, C. We all know that vitamin. You gotta love C. Yeah. I mean, C for classic we all know that vitamin. You gotta love C. I mean, C for classic. That's a classic. That's a classic vitamin, thank you man.

Of course there's D. Of course, you guys don't need it because you have the sun, I'm in New York. I need fake D. White vitamin, what's the most, what vitamin would make me say, wait, what? I've been all over the place, because I used to have really bad stomach issues,

and I read every book on gut health and all that stuff. And the problem is, is I'm dyslexic, so I don't know how to say the name of half of them. But I have been, my boyfriend makes fun of me now, but I've been on dates where I'm like, I don't care, I have a bunch of vitamins to take, and they'll be like, what is it? I'm like, I don't know, I have a bunch of vitamins to take and they'll be like, what is it? I'm like, I don't know, I read it in a book

and I take it now. I'm gonna eat a handful of pills, don't ask me what they are. Dude, and I did a whole European Middle Eastern tour in 2016 and I think it was in Jordan where I just had like a bag of pills and they're like, what are these? And I was like, these are vitamins, this this is the vibe like I was like ready for

somebody to ask me this because I was gone for three months and I had so many vitamins and I was like just I was really sick and I was reading all these books and I was like I'm gonna heal and I think something did something I took too many to know what this is I'm glad that you brought this up my what's going on with your international comedy tour? It's very international. You're headed to Europe. I'm going all over the place. How do you even...

Manage it? How do you get a gig in Jordan? So that one was... I've got a gig with Jordan. Yay! My friend Jordan from college. Put the claws away, Vega. Well that one I did in 2016 was half military tour.

So I did Cuba, Jordan, Egypt, Turkey, probably somewhere else and I can't remember. And then, oh Italy. And then I went to London and then I did the in a French festival. So it was like that was like a whole whole thing. But I've been going to Europe for about 10 years now. And it started out as like I used to perform at Carolines on Broadway in New York City.

And it was always English people coming up to me being like, you're really funny. And I was like, nobody feels that way. And it was like so consistent that I was like, oh maybe I was born in the wrong place. Like it was so many English people telling me that they liked my humor. That is a career. Like 100% there are famous American comedians in England that no American is familiar with.

But vice versa, like if you listen to John Oliver, he talks about how he wasn't famous in England and he's famous here. Or if you think of Ronnie Chang, who made more of a splash in Australia, and then over here. Our friend Maria Bamford, very famous in Australia. Arj Barker, a very famous comedian in Australia. Yeah, Arj Barker.

Rhodes. Yeah, Tom Rhodes. Tom Rhodes, thank you. So Tom Rhodes in New Zealand. I think he also is famous in the Netherlands. Oh, the Netherlands, that's what it was, sorry. Yeah. But it's...

Hosted television shows? San Francisco comedian Tom Rhodes hosted television shows in the Netherlands. He was like the Johnny Carson of the Netherlands. Yeah. So I think there was a little bit of a frustration in the U.S. but also, like, seeing where people did like me. I think, I don't know if I consciously understood this,

but I knew that even if I wasn't doing well, I knew I did not wanna do standup. I liked it enough that if other people don't like it, I'm not gonna stop doing it, because I like it. But I was starting to think maybe I wasn't good at it, because people didn't enjoy it. And it was just, like I said, it was usually English people that said they liked me.

So it became a goal to get to London. And then I went to London and I ended up, the first time I think I just stayed in London, just stayed in the UK and did a couple of places like outside of London, but then the next time I ended up booking like seven countries, like and doing this like month and a half tour on my own and Whenever you go anywhere like at least for Americans going overseas all the bookers were like well

we have to make sure that like people get your sense of humor and people like you and culturally people understand it, but it kind of seems like bullshit because like Everybody takes an American television movies seems like bullshit because like, everybody takes in American television movies. It seems like bullshit because everybody likes Liz. It's bullshit because I'm doing great. But no, but it was like bullshit just in the sense that everybody takes in so much American television, movies and music that if I say Rihanna,

the world knows who Rihanna is. If I say Marvels. You're like, I am as exactly as funny as young Sheldon. And everyone loves that across the world. Everybody knows it, Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. In Australia, they raise their hand and say, I think you mean young Einstein, starring Yahoo!

Sirius. Right. Nothing has been young in Australia. You know, everybody's old. They've always been old. But you know how it is. It's this idea that we're all so different. but really, I mean, I think the internet's made the world smaller in a lot of ways.

And if I talk about high school, they understand it because they've seen every single kind of movie that we've made that mentions high school. Do you think you're an avatar of American-ness to them, the way that, you know, small, bespectacled teleprompter reader John Oliver is an avatar of Englishness to Americans. Like, do you look like whatever the American equivalent of Harry Potter is? I don't know if look is the right thing, but I would say attitude and how I talk. Like, I, again, every movie and show is in New York or LA, right? And I am, I'm such a Jersey, New York, ah, go fuck yourself kind of personality,

that I do- You're walking here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Forget about it. I will. Sorry about what? We, it actually reminds me of my favorite story. We're all dyslexic, and me and my brother

were going over the Brooklyn Bridge, and they have like a little like, welcome to Brooklyn, forget about it. And my brother's like, what's fudgit about it mean? And so every time I go over to the bridge, I go, what's fudgit about it? It just makes me laugh. That's very funny.

But I just, I think in some ways, I'm so what they expected in a lot of ways and almost a caricature of New York, even though this is like my personality. But then also I talk about my feelings. I've done the road so much where your opener just talks about like I-95 or talks about like certain communities and they're killing,

you're lost, you don't know what they're talking about. And you're like, oh, I'm gonna bomb because I can't, I'm not on that relatable level. But in some ways, because I just talk about breakups and my feelings and bad days and being angry and just these kind of generic things with specific situations, I've toured over 40 countries, changing nothing.

I think what we found in our years, because we've been doing Georgia Jessica for 15-ish years, is that there are certain things that bind everyone together. I guess I'm mostly referring to the Verdugo Aquatic Center. Yes. All of my jokes about the place I swim, the Verdugo Aquatic facility.

Zancoup Chicken. People love, yes. You can't goerdugo Aquatic Facility. Zankou Chicken. Zankou, people love, yes. You can't go anywhere in the world without hearing about Zankou Chicken. Every, yes, of course. I was in London, England, and they said, tell me again about Pie and Burger in Pasadena, they said. Well, where are you headed next? Where are you headed in Europe?

London? Okay, it's like a mostly German tour at this point. I have Edinburgh, Dublin, London, Berlin, Frankfurt, Paris, Amsterdam, a couple of German cities I don't know how to say, like, Holdenburg and something with a K. Killed it. Yeah, thank you. I just added Munich, I'm gonna be in Istanbul, Geneva, Zurich, Brussels.

I love this. It's kinda cool, I mean, I try to always add a city, like I added- Anywhere where there's an American school, that's where you're going. Oh yeah, and that's the other thing, is that like, I find it so funny that people are like,

oh, who's coming? And I was like, certain places it will be a lot of expats, but for the most part, it's people that live there. Well, I do, I have to appear before the world court. Yeah, every time. Uh. I don't, I think that's, I mean, because most of my career's been made on the internet,

I feel really fortunate that people know what they're getting themselves into when they come to see me. I remember I got a comment recently where people were like, she just complains about things going on in her life, and I'm like, yes. I'm performing standup comedy, ma'am.

I don't, am I supposed to be like, I had another great day, and I wanna share it, like. Standup comedy, a celebration of life's successes. I was just like, oh, I guess, all right, yeah, no, I'll try to mark more of my good days. Okay, so speaking of marking good days, Matt was nice enough to send us, we've been doing a segment called I read it on the internet.

Some of our most magical Reddit posts we're sharing here on the internet. Right. Some of our most magical Reddit posts we're sharing here on the show. And Matt, we previously had read one about a person who wanted to have sex with a clown. Is that correct? That's correct. Someone who desperately wanted to fuck a clown and took to the internet to tell people.

A lot, like a live clown? No, like just a lady. Not a dead clown. No, I don't think so. I know that. A lot, like a live clown? No, like just a lady. Not a dead clown. No, that's not it. I know that, I assume it's a live. Like a person that identifies as a clown? A person wearing clown stuff who does clown stuff. Yeah.

Okay, so it's not like, I don't know why in my mind. And like a classic clown, not like a, we all wanna fuck Cirque du Soleil clown. Yeah, of course, of course, they're so bendy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, not like a French clown, but like an American, you know, classic. Red wig, red nose, big old shoes. The Irish stereotype clown.

And not like an LA art clown revival, illusion theater type clown either. None of that. Yeah, a lot of newfangled clowns out there that frankly won't last. Yeah, no, they're just mailing it out. Red wig, bow ties. And not a congressperson, if you know what I'm saying.

Not those clowns in congress, absolutely not. Okay. And we're talking about flower that has- Hold on, put away the claws, Vegas. So thank you to Holden for sending in a follow-up to that, which is that there was a follow-up post on Reddit from that same person, right? I Fulfilled my dream. I had sex with a woman in a clown costume and it was everything I wanted and I'm so happy when people

Like, you know, they have they put it out there. They have the little board where they're like every day I'm gonna try a little bit. Yeah, I met a woman after my post went viral. She messaged me We got to talking and hit it off and she's kind of got a clown thing too. As it turns out, she was only a three hour drive from me and after sharing pictures, we decided to meet in a neutral location between us. I booked a hotel room and we met Sunday evening. After I'd been waiting in the room for about an hour, I thought I might have been ghosted or catfished again.

Again? Aww. Oh, clownished again. Again? Aw. Aw. Clown fucker. We love you. As my heart started to sink, there was a knock at the door. I opened it, and there she was, the beautiful, sexy clown woman of my dreams. Her outfit, her makeup, and her big red nose were perfect. So perfect, it ached.

It, I think, would be the... His penis? Yeah. She came in. Or balls. She came in, and perfect it ached. It, I think, would be the... Is it penis? Yeah. She came in... Or balls. She came in and she started making balloon animals as we made small talk and put them all over the bed. Then we made love, the hottest and most passionate sex

I could ever have imagined, and she had plenty of clown antics to surprise me. Antics. Including hitting me in the face with a small pie as a surprise when I came the first time and honking her nose. Oh, that's really beautiful. I mean, this is a rom-com, guys. Yeah.

Yeah. I was so happy. Actually, emphasis on the com. Yeah, yeah. After hours of lovemaking, we sat there holding each other and kissing while I occasionally honked her nose and tried to hold back my tears of bliss. I couldn't. I was so happy to have the connection

I've been denying myself because, quote, it's weird, unquote, and that I've desired for so long. Holding her in my arms as my legs still quivered, I cried as she held me because I was so happy. She began to cry too, and we're definitely going to be together now and are both so happy with each other. Oh my gosh. I feel like a hole in my soul has been healed

and that my life is finally on its way up. Thank you for the love and support everyone. So many of you have been so kind. It means the world to me. Thank you again. Wow. That's really beautiful. That is really.

In a wacky kind of way. Yeah, I think it's sort of kooky. There's a kooky element to it. I feel like we needed somebody to play a slowed down. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I'm trying to put my finger on what is wacky or kooky about it, though, man. Well, I think it's the...

You know how, like he said, as he came, she hit him in the face with a pie? Yep. Like having that prepped. I'm almost so sorry you've never experienced love. No, it's true. I mean, I guess, like, my kinks are... They're really... They pale in comparison

You know that they that she had it prepped well might have fucked their way over the Marie calendar I guess where I get I guess off is yeah sure Yeah, yeah, of course. Um, I guess confused slash Yeah, yeah, of course. I guess confused slash... This is how I feel as a non-clown woman. What happens, she has to take the makeup off. It's just not good for your skin.

Does he always need her to be a clown? Can he love her not as a clown? Wow. Do you think that maybe... if she really liked him... she obviously can't wear the makeup everywhere. She can't wear a clown wig everywhere. Unless it's her job. Yeah, but you still have to shower, Matt.

What kind of job do you wear clown makeup in, Matt? Ronald McDonald's friend. No, that's somewhat, that is called a domestic violence counselor. Although, there was a guy in my old, sorry, in my old neighborhood that was a clown and I would see him, I never saw him not in clown stuff. He would ride the subway in his clown stuff, like he would walk home in his clown stuff. She could become a crumper slash clown now. Did you ever see him performing or just kind of going back and forth?

No, he was always going to work. Okay. You see him murder once in a while. Yeah, no, I definitely, sometimes it was blood and not makeup. But you know, how you make your money is how you make money. You couldn't wear the shoes, you couldn't wear the makeup, you couldn't wear the wig to your job at the bank or whatever. I think he could wear those overalls.

Oh, for sure. Right? She could wear the overalls. Oh, for sure. And she could wear the overalls. You could have little clown touches. Honestly, baggy pants are back in. Baggy pants are back. They're back. You could say, I'm remembering the 90s, but secretly you're like, I'm being a clown for my sweetie.

Yeah. Yeah. And like big hair clips. Big hair clips. They're back. And if you don't have to work with people, then you can keep the little hand buzzer. So this would be like a WFH situation where you're zooming and they don't know that you've got the hand buzzer on your hand. So all you do, you go like this to the camera

to shake hands with them, which we all do and we're having business meetings by Zoom. But they wouldn't necessarily see that there was a joy buzzer on there. Right, yeah. Do you think part of clown sex could be joy buzzer on the junk? It's gotta be. But they wouldn't necessarily see that there was a JoyBuzzer on there. Right. Do you think part of clown sex could be JoyBuzzer on the junk? It's gotta be.

I think so. In fact, I'm surprised that wasn't in there. Buzz in the junk? I would say this too. I think more and more people, just regular middle class people, have seltzer machines at their homes. Yeah, it's actually just normal now. Home seltzer is very popular.

Everyone's trying to have seltzer water. Yeah, it's actually just normal now. Home seltzer is very popular. Everyone's trying to have seltzer water. Yeah. Yeah, and it's like there's the microwave, there's a refrigerator, there's the seltzer that squirts in your face. Yeah. And also people got really into baking during the pandemic. So I think people are making banana cream pies.

And with gas prices like they are, thanks, Biden, you might as well drive around with 10 other guys. Exactly. Yeah. That's a really good point. Mm-hmm. Oh, fucking carpooling everywhere. Yeah.

I feel like a clown. Mm-hmm. Biden's got me carpooling in a car with too many people in it. Yeah. President Joe Biden. Yeah. I'm just speaking of clowns. Yeah.

This guy wrote me a letter. He said, Jesse, you get in a car with 10 other people for the environment or something. Man. Oh, thank you, the environment or something. Thank you. You got an email. But I didn't get an email. Jesse, I hate to ask. Would you drive around with 10 other guys? Joey, I think you love to ask. Yeah. Yeah. Asking asking to take away my freedoms is like your whole thing. Yeah, Joe. Okay, well I've sort of lost track of the satirical perspective of that bit.

Because we're being fake. God. We're doing great. I'm not being fake or not fake. Oh, okay. I'm an NPR journalist, so I have no political opinion. So we're just saying things, John. You know.

I'm just saying phrases. When something momentous happens to you, like you get a letter from President Joe Biden, give us a call, 206-984-4-FUN, or send us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. By the way, if you got one of those reddits, send us to us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. We don't always want the craziest one.

We want the one with those little magical touches of what the fuck. We don't need the bonkers, insane one. We just want one where you're like, sorry, what is that? I have so many follow-up questions. Yes, exactly. We wanna have follow-up questions.

We wanna have follow-up questions. Momentous occasions, et cetera, et cetera. JJ, go at maximumfun.org. Someone called one in. Here it is. Hey Jordan, Jesse, and I'm gonna guess Mickey Rooney. That's close. Tried.

My name's Alec. I've just spent the entire last like 48 hours making sure a friend has gone through some mental health stuff. Wasn't going to do anything drastic and I'm convinced that he's not now. And the cherry on top is on my way home from the ER with him. We saw two cars pull up next to each other at a stoplight and pass pizza back and forth between the car windows. So that felt pretty momentous. It's been a long day. All right. Thanks. First of all, I've been there on multiple occasions,

so thank you for doing that. I'm glad that your buddy is passing through that. It is a transitory state, so... Yeah, so you'll pass through it like pizza through a window. Yeah. Pizza through a window, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. What do you mean? No, it's all right. No, it's fine. I mean. I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you mean. What do you mean? What do you mean by that?

What do you mean? No, it's fine, I'm not gonna. I wanna know. No, I'm talking about, I'm talking about dookies. Oh! Okay, okay, okay. I'm talking about, sorry Liz. It happens.

Sorry Liz. It happens to the best of us. Sorry Liz, Liz keeps it clean. Liz is a clean, Liz is a Christian comedian. I am. That's right. They don't do dooky stuff. We prayed before we started this.

They don't do dooky stuff. We all joined hands and we prayed. You think if Caroline's on Broadway, they do dooky stuff? I don't think so. Well, it's gone now. It's not dooky stuff. It's just what have you noticed about this and that?

Sure, Stanley cups are big. Yeah, Stanley cups are big. Liz, do your famous Stanley cups are big bit. Yeah. I can't, it's private. Oh. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Between you and the Lord.

Yeah, I don't think you really know much about my religion. Wow, yeah, I guess I don't, I'm so sorry. Yeah, so it's, I mean I. I stepped in it like that. Having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ means that he, capital H, is our influencer. Yes. Yeah, so thank you for respecting my boundaries.

I buy whatever supplements Jesus Christ says. He's got a garage full of leggings he needs to move. It's called vitamin J. It's called vitamin J. Called vitamin J.C. and it's all I need. I'd love to have somebody pass me some pizza. Yeah, I'd love to have somebody throw some crazy bread at me from a bus.

I'd love to go to a hospital. That would be great! That would be nice. I like how Matt's like, I just want health insurance. Yeah, it'd just be nice to hang out. Yeah, go to the vending machine. Yeah, they have a good cafeteria at this one. Watch the local news on a little TV.

Yeah, and then also you get a nice little bed that goes up. Well, there you go. All right, let's do this. Let's take a little break. We'll research what hospital we're going to go to after this and come back and finish up. Maybe just an urgent care center. Oh, yeah.

I was getting blood transfusions for a while. I just went to a nice urgent care center down by Long Beach. It was in a converted Home Depot. Sure. Just sit back, relax, have your arm feel cool. And then for some reason, there's a channel on the television that just plays riff tracks. Oh, yeah?

It was wild. I don't know how that happened. Pluto TV or something. Yeah, something like that. OK. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Goff. La, la, la, la, la la la la la la la la la. Video games can make you laugh.

They can make you cry. They can even make you sing. We're the hosts of TripleClick. It's a podcast about video games. This is an exciting time for new games, from Diablo to Final Fantasy. From Starfield to Street Fighter. From Zelda to, oh, who are we kidding? We're

just going to talk about Zelda. Whether you play games or you just like hearing about them, we've got you covered. Find us at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Bye. Hey, when you listen to podcasts, it really just comes down to whether or not you like the sound of everyone's voices. My voice is one of the sounds you'll hear on the podcast Dr. Game Show, and this is the voice of co-host and fearless leader Joe Firestone. This is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners and we play them with callers over Zoom we've

never spoken to in our lives. So that is basically the concept of this show. Pretty chill. So take it or leave it, bucko. And here's what some of the listeners have to say. It's funny, wholesome, and it never fails to make me smile. I just started listening and I'm already binging it. I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

I wish I discovered it sooner. You can find Dr. I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I wish I'd discovered it sooner. You can find Dr. Game. On our fucking show. Yeah, I don't want you to be intimidated. I am, sorry. I am. I had experienced you in corporal form as a sort of mist blowing through my life previously. Yeah, for sure, yeah.

Now that you're here in the flesh. Yeah, no, and I can see the tears in your eyes. Yeah. And I appreciate that you are composing yourself in the presence of greatness. Yeah, no, and I didn't, I can see the tears in your eyes. And I appreciate that you are composing yourself in the presence of greatness. Yeah, wow, this really is... I'm gonna go talk to my pastor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all you can do. You guys don't mind. I'm just gonna go talk to my pastor. I don't mind at all. I'm gonna talk to my pastor. Matt, Jesse wants to talk to you. Um, Liz, you've got this international comedy tour. I do.

We're talking about thousands of countries you're going to. Yeah, yeah. Also going to Minneapolis. Also Minneapolis. Thousands of countries and Minneapolis. Yeah, no, that's how I do it. Minneapolis is known, Jordan, among Jordan and Jesse

Goh listeners as the Portland of the upper Midwest. Mm, so true. It is the Portland of the upper Midwest. So true. It is the other place, the other place where people listen to Jordan, Jesse, go. There's two places. Yeah. And so I'm sure that there's a lot of people in the twin cities who were going to go out to see Liz. Uh, you got any more stuff going on in the, in the States? Um, I have, I have tons. I mean, I think what makes me a This woman works.

Road dog. I'm everywhere. I'm going to be in Texas. I'll be in Providence. I'll be in Boston. All the classics. All the classics. Well, I find it really funny because I

do like three weeks in Europe, then I'm home for like a week, and then I go to Stanford. And everybody's just like, whoa, Europe and then Stanford. That's how you do it. But like every time I do a European tour and then the next city, they always make fun of the next city. I'm like, yeah guys, I have to come back to America and do a place.

And I usually do something close by because I'm tired. But it's so funny to me that they're like- Just through Paris, Texas. But they do, they make fun of it immediately. And I'm just like, I don't, I'm sorry, I'm tired and I live here? Like. You also got an album out there.

You can watch it on YouTube or listen to it on streaming services. Am I right about that? Did you know Jordan that Liz is a streaming phenomenon? No, he didn't, tell me more. I didn't know this either. Our Liz was- Wait, so you're like the office?

Our friend Hari Kondabalu said, my friend Liz is gonna be in town. You guys should have her on Jordan Jessica. I said, whatever you're like the office? Our friend Hari Kondobalu said, my friend Liz is going to be in town. You guys should have her on Jordan Jessica. I said, whatever you say, Hari. I'm a Hari. You're the boss of us. Hari Finn doms me, which is financial domination. So I give him all my check.

He guess doms you. He guess dominates. You have to have anybody on. He said no three times. And here we are. And I listened to Murder Sheets, Liz's new special and album in audio form. I listened to it on Apple Music.

But then when I was worried I was going to mispronounce Liz's name, I went onto YouTube to see how people introduced her on YouTube. And I watched a few minutes of her preceding special. And her preceding special, I was like, oh shit, millions of views. Millions of views.

Millions of views. No wonder she can tour to Dusseldorf. All that in Go Karts 2. She's the biggest shit in all of Dusseldorf. Wow. Love it. I told you I was a champion. Dominating Dusseldorf, like Harry Kondobrol

who does my checkbook numbers. Sure. The numbers on my, she says I have to send him all the numbers on my checkbook. No? Or you can't jack off? Or I can't jack off. Gotta jack off?

I need to jack off so bad, Harry! You gotta jack off. Harry, I need to jack off so bad! So weird that his ears are buzzing and that's what he's hearing. I know, I know. Harry's like, yeah, daddy needs a new Mets hat. Sure.

Just give me those checkbook numbers. That's how he spends his money, not on his children. Well yeah, lot of Liz out there that you can ingest. We suggest that you do, very funny. The special is great. Thank you. And yeah, and then go to CU in thousands of countries.

Yeah, lismily.com. Lismily, M-I-E-L-E. Travel around like a dead head. Yes. And follow you to all the countries. I'd love to see that. That'd be great. Would you be willing to tolerate parking lot merchandise?

What do you mean, people selling my merchandise on my behalf or like bootleg? This would be bootleg merchandise that they made, like the Grateful Dead. Yeah, but I want them to do the art. Like, I don't want them to, like, screen print, like, a picture they got from the internet. I want them to be like, this is what I think she should sell,

and it's just, like, an artistic version of it. Yeah. That's a good policy. Yeah. You hear that out there? Let's see some artistic versions. Original art knockoffs. Yeah.

And no just typing it into chat, GPT or whatever. And yes, you can trade the shirts for shrooms. Yeah. Always. That's always been my policy. Yeah. Yeah. Or whippets.

Or whippets. You know, whatever is necessary. Whatever you need. Whatever your march is. Whatever. Get you high, baby. Liz, it's been a joy. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design,

courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them, our producer is, hey, Matt, how's it going? Hey, I'm doing great. How's it going out there? So good, thanks. Thanks for producing the show. Hey, thanks for the money. Matt Lieb, you're welcome.

Hey, thanks to all the members of Maximum Fund for Matt's money. And join us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit money. And join us on Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com. Join us on Instagram at Jordan David Morris. And again, I got a new Instagram account. New Insta, hot new Insta. I'm finally getting in on this hot Instagram thing. No, my old account put this dot on,

it's still for my vintage business, but follow me at Jesse Thorne, very famous. Look, I was seeing a nice picture of me and Miranda July. Amazing. Just posted that today. Who wouldn't want to see that? Me and Miranda July. Who wouldn't want to see that?

Right there next to me and Alison Breeze. Just me and America's classiest movie stars. Sounds great. OK. Right at maxpumpfund.reddit.com. Yeah, we got it. Yeah, we did. We pretty much make a show. Oh, Matt, we weren't recording. Did you press record?

No, I just wanted to hang out with my friend. Aww. This is more special. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun.

Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. Maximum fun. I do love you.