Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Alf Child, with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: May 14, 2026

This week, we’re joined by comedian Chris Fairbanks for a conversation about model trains, Alf, bungee jumping, and much more. *Follow Chris on Instagram. *Follow Do You Need a Ride? Podcast on Instagram.  *Listen to Do You Need a Ride?  *Get updates on Chris' upcoming shows, music, and more here. *Get tix to Judge John Hodgman: NIGHT COURT on May 15 at Dynasty Typewriter here. *Grab tix to Judge John Hodgman: NIGHT COURT on June 11 at Coolidge Corner here. *Grab a signed copy of Jordan’s new Baby Garfied #3 comic. Available June 10. *Check out more Amazing Spiderman content from Jordan. *Order Jordan’s new Web of Venom comic. *Check out Jordan’s comic Predator: Bloodshed. * Order Jordan’s new Predator comic: Black, White & Blood! * Order Jordan’s new Venom comic! * Donate to Al Otro Lado. * Purchase signed copies of *Youth Group* and *Bubble* from Mission: Comics And Art!   ~ NEW JJGo MERCH ~ Get  Bronto Dino-Merch! Get our ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store. Grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug! The Maximum Fun Bookshop! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On. Follow producer, Jordan Kauwling, on Instagram. Thank you to engineer Gabe Mara! Thanks to everyone who participated in this year's MaxFunDrive! Still want to get in on the action? Follow this link to support this show (and get in on our limited-time keychain sale to benefit the Center for Constitutional Rights): https://maximumfun.org/joinjjgo

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Under the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and sucks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio, sweetheart. Jordan Morris, sorry for giving you trash. Wait, now hold on, Jordan. Sorry.

Jordan, you've given me a lot of guff in my time, but you've never given me any trash. I hope you wouldn't. Okay, here's what happened. I was in a comic book store You know these places? So this is like, for folks who haven't been to one Yeah This is like a store inside they have comic books

And different people buying comic books Well, there's two kinds There's one it's got a lot of comic books And then there's one with four comic books And 10,000 Funko pops Right, yes, I was in the first kind Got it And this is the kind of comic book store

Where you know, you got your new comics in front and then you got row after row of cardboard boxes. This is the kind, okay, because when I go to the comic book store here in Los Angeles, I feel like every comic book store, because we have a child who wants me to take her to the comic book store, every comic book store I go to is like the, like we'll go to, like we've done some shows at Revenge of comics.

This place is beautiful. It is. Well lit. It's well lit. It's carefully designed. It's cut. compact, but it's full of high-quality products. It has some racks of the newest comic books. It has some shelves of the of the shiniest graphic novels. And that's it. Yeah. Whereas when I was

my daughter's age, I went to Al's comics on Guerrero Street in San Francisco. You know, you know, this is right across the street from the Columbia Park Boys Club. Of course, yes. I can see it now when I shut my eyes. And Al was a little mad we were there. Sure. And he just sat amidst 27,000 four foot long cardboard boxes full of comic books and you'd just be you know it would just be like

three sweaty 20 year olds looking for X Factor 112 under X Factor The first appearance of cable I don't know if that actually is now

but so it was it was more a pile of cardboard boxes than anything else I mean because of the times they had to have a few baseball cards. Sure. But, like, basically it was a pile of cardboard boxes that coincidentally had the latest comics. Yeah.

I feel like every comic book store I go to now is, like, spotlights. Right, yeah. And I think that that kind of store is kind of taking over, I think at least in, you know, your L.A.s and San Francisco's and stuff, the kind of nice, welcoming place for everyone. But I think, you know, you'll still find the, you'll, the owls of the world still exist. I find that more. As a man, as a professional antiques dealer, I find a pile of cardboard boxes full of old comic books much more welcoming than a spotlight on the latest Dan Klaus. No, I understand that.

And I've met Dan Klaus. He's a nice man. Sure. You don't think you should have a spotlight on him at all times. But yeah, so the owls of the world exist. They still have stores. I still go in them sometimes. And yeah, and I was in one of these owl places the other day.

And I saw the peeking out from one of the cardboard boxes. Was my babysitter Darius de Belgadere there? Because he used to work there in exchange for store credit. No, he passed away. Oh, no. Darius passed away. I'm sorry. I wouldn't be surprised if you told me Al did.

He didn't seem healthy. First thing they told me when I walked through the door. Oh, wow. And yeah, just a coincidence that I happened to know you. No, just peeking out from one of the many water damaged cardboard boxes, wet, wet boxes, was not just an Alf comic, but an Alf comic that was parodying the X-Men where the X-Men were kicking on the cover.

I have not read the issue. Al-F is, alien life form, by the way. Do people know who Al-F is? People know who Al-F is. Our guest is not a huge Al-Fair. Our guest is eating a cat as we speak. This is a comic from the 80s of Alf, getting kicked out of the X-Men's mansion,

and he says, I'm going to go start, Alpha Flight, which was the other team of mutants from Canada in the Marvel universe. So I'm yucking it up in this store. Of course you're, look, I'm clutching my sides. Now that you're, from what I understand, having seen a screen cap in the maximum fun subreddit, America's number two bestselling comic book writer. As of this particular week, I am according to a particular chart. Yes.

Yes. Thanks to your work. on Web of Venom. Web of Venom. Very popular. The Web of Venom, let the carnage begin. Yes. Not the actual subtitle, but fun to say after the name of the comic.

Web of Venom number one, which is a best-selling comic book that you wrote for the Marvel Corporation. Yeah. Featuring Dipson. You're obsessed with these Marvel characters. I can't get enough. Yeah, and it's not just Alpha Flight. No, it's the unpopular one. It's just huge names like Alpha Flight, who we all.

know from movies. It's also, what's that called? Canada Force. Sure, yes. What are they called? I think that's Alpha Flight. That's Alpha Flight? Yeah. Wait, so they got kicked out of the X-Men and moved to Canada? No, I don't think so. They're just like a rival group of mutants. Okay. And I think Wolverine was in Alpha Flight for a while. Wolverine's Canadian, so I think there's a little, you know, push-pull there. Do all countries, and I'm only asking you this, because I happen to know for a fact that you've got a digital Marvel subscription that allows you read any comic? book. Do all countries have their own...

Am I Marble Unlimited? Yeah. Do all countries have, now featuring Dipson? Do all countries have their own X-Men's? Yeah, I think I could answer that question. I don't know. Oh, no. I know. Sorry. I don't know. Should we ask our guests? Yeah, I'll just, I'll finish this thought. Let's ask our guest. I want to hear his thoughts on Alph. Alien life form. Alien life form. And I saw this and I immediately, it jumped out. out to me because A, it was hilarious.

Yeah. B, it was Alf. I know you have a kid who's obsessed with Alf, and I think you now have a kid who's obsessed with the X-Men. Yeah. I'm like, here's a perfect gift for Jesse, but I'm worried by giving it to you. I'm just giving you a thing that's going to be clutter. Anyway, that was what I was worried. I mean, Jordan, you've been inside my house. You've seen the top of my dining room table. You've seen that it's completely consumed

by piles of VHS tapes of movies that start David Caradine. Yes. So you know that there's really no way to increase the clutter. There's no number greater than infinity. Okay. So I'm not worried about it. I guess the most likely scenario here is going to be, I would say, number one most likely is

Frankie the X-Men child will be mad at Grace the Alf child for having an X-Men thing. and Grace, the alf child will be mad at Frankie because X-Men got into her Alf. I should have got two. Yeah, I should have seen if this guy had two. The number two most likely is that each of them will reject it for the same reasons. Based on that the other one has a, yeah, has a stake in it.

Yeah, number three is probably going to be that Scarlett, the one that likes comic books the best, will just sort of glaze through and grab it. Okay. But she just told me she does not like Marvel. or DC comic books. She only likes Invincible. The reason she likes Invincible

is that you only have to read one thing to know what's going on. Okay. She gets really mad when she doesn't know. Well, there's a Battle Beast spinoff now. I don't know. Scarlett knows what she's talking about. All right. Oh, there's a Battle Beast spinoff.

So that's, anyway. Battle Beast from He-Man? No, from Invincible. All right. Well, I don't know. Battle Cat from He-Man. How many people... Otherwise known as Cringer.

From the TV show of Invincible, how many people have been on Jordan Desico? Let's see. Is anybody from Invincible been on? I feel like Jason Manzukas is on Invincible, right? Yeah, he's one of those characters. I don't know. I don't know either. I watched the show. It's pretty good. It shows is good.

Manjikas is hilarious on it. He is Rexpload. Rexpload. Thank you, Gabe. Thank you, Gabe. Fill it in his producer. I enjoy watching it. I can't really tell... I mean, this is true of a lot of these things. Yeah.

I don't really know what's a parody and what isn't. It's all a parody. Unadvincible. Oh, okay. Okay, got it. Should we introduce our guest on the program? Okay, he's a legendary Montana skateboarder. Yep.

He's a stand-up comedian. Check. He's a man who gave his bedroom a deer's grazing in the forest theme. Yes, I did. Good memory. Chris Fairbanks. A good friend of him. ours, one of our, one of our, one of the best friends ever of Jordan Jesse. I wonder how many times

I've been on is this episode. Could it be 10? I mean, it's got to be over 10. It's got to be over 10. It's got to be over 10. We've almost come up on doing the show 20 years and you come on at least five times a year. You were on once even before, I think if I'm not mistaken, before he left the X-Men, right? Right, yeah. And started the Montana X-Men. Right. It was kicked out. Montana flight for also doing something to cats. Yeah. I can't help it, but especially if it's cold. I love taking a cat's ear and pressing it between my tight lips. I'm not biting the ear. No. But I do with quite a bit of enough pressure to make the cat uncomfortable, and that got me kicked out. First of all, Chris, this is something we've

talked about on the show before. So I don't want anybody to write letters, say, oh, Chris already brought brought up the fact that he wants to put animals' ears into his mouth between his lips and go, mum, mum, mum, ma, yeah, yeah, there is a humming. And one of the reasons that I want to make this clear is because I also want to make it clear that that's all I want in the world, and I do it all the time, all the time. I got two dogs, I get their ears in between my mips, and I go, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, And the teeth are being hidden by my, by my lips. Yeah, you turn the lips in. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a trumpet playing. I blow my cheeks out. Like dizzy glist. Yeah. Chris, you were, I feel like you were nodding when Alf came up. Do you have any feelings on Alf? I feel like something else on another network was playing during Alf because I don't believe

I, of course, am familiar and I knew he liked to eat cats and that was pretty edgy for the time. Oh, yeah. They got a lot of letters about that. And the dad talked like this. Owl. You're talking about Willie.

I'm Elf, dad. Yeah. And then, all talk like fools. But I don't, I think something else was like I've never seen a home improvement because that's when Seinfeld was on. Okay.

Yeah. And I think that there's households during that time that sat down as a family and watched. improvement and the other ones sat and watched Seinfeld and that that started that's ground zero of the political divide today in this country alva is an interesting show because it really makes vivid how shows family sitcoms in particular but like also to some extent all shows besides cheers

yeah between like the tail end of your norman lear shows yeah and and like the Seinfeld and Friends era. Yeah. Like that whole decade or so of mostly the 1980s, there was so much plot going on on sitcoms that did not have jokes in it. And on Alf, they, I mean, they made the great decision

to put Alf at the center of the show. The reason I say this is a great decision is because Alf is hilarious. And the kids suck. Let's face it. Terrible kids on that show. Honestly, Alf is funny. Like, Alf, I've seen a lot of Alfs with my daughter, and sometimes I get a little bored,

but the truth is that Alf is funny. And he talks funny. It's funny that he eats cats. It's funny. He comes from the planet Melmac. He has a funny relationship with the people in the house. And then besides that, the only thing that's funny is that the guy who plays Willie is on a sitcom. Like a man who seems like he's always about to start crying and hates everything going on

around him is the second funniest part of the show. That's the dad. Yeah. And like the mom does a good job of like being pleasant and is a good actor and is pretty. Yeah. And you're like, but, and the kids are kids. I mean, they do, you know. Yeah, the rest of the family, I can't imagine.

I just see pixelated faces. Right. And Alf is the part of it. You'll tell you this, I just learned about Alf. I'm glad you brought up Alf because Grace just told my demit. Oh. My oldest daughter is the Alf daughter. You know how there's like a diamond anniversary and your oldest child is your Alf child. Sure, sure. Grace told me that they tried five times to get Alf to host Saturday Night Live. But the creator of Alf would only do it if they built a bunch of tunnels for him to Alf from. Because, you know, you have to move Alf around. You have to be in a hole. Sure.

to fit and Saturday Night Live was like look you can be behind a sofa or something and he's like no you need to rebuild all the sets like all of the stages at Saturday Night Live in order for me to be Alf and host Saturday Night Live. Is that was it some version of that story that was the reason they they had uh was it Frank Oz who's the that's the voices who made the Muppets Jim Henson Jim Henson was a major character in that Saturday Night Live movie that was just some bizarre version of those people. Yeah, I watched about eight, seven minutes of that. I found it's so discomforting. I turned it off. Yeah, yeah. It had moments. It was fun to watch J.K. Simmonsby, Milton Burrell, and all that.

But, yeah, there was a weird Muppet thing. No, but I thought they were going to. Seems like they should. I think there was a flump sound effect when he unzipped. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then... Gabe, would you add some flump sound effect?

effects to this episode, please? Thank you. Gabe got the thumbs up from Gabe. Time to whip it out. And here's where you put in the flump. I can't believe you guys don't have a folie artist yet. I would say, we've got to get a folly artist. Gabe, use the archival flumps from past recordings

and just repeat them in. Yeah, Google Ground Beef slapped on countertop. That's a popular one. Google that. Did you know you can go to Costco, you could buy a tube of ground beef, you have to ask for it.

But they'll give you like a 10-pound tube. I mean, I'm talking about the size of a pike. Okay. Like the fish. I'm talking about like a gar of beef. Wow. Not a full alligator. I wonder if you can ask for other shapes.

I want a giant ice cream cone of ground beef. I think it's called a chub of beef. I think you're right. What else would it be called? Yeah. That's the perfect name for that. Yeah. Yeah, Chub used to be a common word and it got ruined by a...

Or you get yourself a chubb of beef, ask if they could make it into a dog for you. Party balloon... Yeah, part of a balloon animal style. Yeah. Did a young Chris Fairbanks collect anything as Jesse's kids collect alf merchandise? It's a great question, Jordan. Thank you. Babes. I, like, not all comic books aside, just anything, did I collect anything?

I'm remembering I collected tiny football helmets. I think from Dairy Queen. Yeah. Or out of the gumball machine? They had those in the gumball machine. Yeah, they were. I had like almost every team. I didn't care about football really as a kid,

but I wanted all those helmets. A tiny helmet is a really appealing object. I love miniatures. I just went to the Pasadena Model Train Museum. If you haven't been, it's a delight. It is a hundred times better. than you're imagining it. All these older men retired,

volunteering their time, paying to be part of this group, and they are freestyling. They are dispatching trains. They have to then call to a track guy, and he makes sure. They're not freestyle. It is not planned.

Fom it on my sweater already. Mom's spaghetti freestyling. There is one guy that does that, but he just has Tourette's. He has a rhyming form of Tourette's. Yeah, and measuring tape. suspenders. Some people, some people with Tourette's make noises, some say slurs or vulgar words, some freestyle rap. This guy just has bars. Bars syndrome. The detail, there's a little cow

getting sucked up into a flying saucer. There's little things you can look. There's a couple that was having a fight by a little campfire that's glowing in the woods and you can see him looking off at her and she's just standing looking off like she's about to jump on train. tracks above this. Wow. It's like kind of, they have artists go in and hide little Easter eggs and there might even be Easter eggs. It's so the detail is amazing.

Do you think if you're in one of these groups, do you think that they break the board up into squares and everybody gets one square, do you think that if you're going to introduce a notable storyline, you have to get approval from everybody else? Like, how do you think the mechanics of the situation worked? Do you think it's like mutual acclamation, like a we are the 99% rally? I got the impression by talking to several of these men, which filled a void that I guess has been there since my grandfather first terrified me, both of them, very scary men. But these guys were sweet old guys, and I got the impression that they just were the complicated

world. Like, you know how there's a map of the subway system or that new hijack show where they show the train? It is just like that. And they're making sure it's available as a train leaves. They're stressed out. They're sweating. They treat it like its actual railway play. Artists come in. But you could, I mean, if something goes wrong, if they don't switch that track at the right time, they could kill a miniature. Right. They could kill with that apparently has a little backstory and a husband she's fighting with. No one could quite illustrate why the stakes were high. Yes. I guess the trains are expensive.

Chris, don't talk to us like you've never done railplay. I mean, I've, I had the hat. I had a train set because of the in Arthur, he had a train set. My dad and I sat down. It looked great. Paper mache, snowy scene. There was an ice skater. There's little trees, but it was nothing compared. this place.

There is a form of, first of all, I think we've established on this program many times that if I had any attention span, interest in electrical engineering or artistic skills, I would be deep into model trains or interest in trains. I also don't care about trains. But I love a model train setup. If I, if I, like, my youngest child likes to, like, paint landscape elements for war, If I had that gene, I would be doing that. If I knew how to run an electrical switchboard, I would be underneath, you know,

inventing computer programming. Yeah. But I have none of those skills. Right. However, I do admire them. And we had a guy come on Judge John Hodgman who he is into model trains, but it's a form of model trains where it's like the side tracks of a train system, you know, like where you take the train off the tracks to get it into the yard or whatever, or to store it or something like that.

Yeah, there was one guy that took care of that. There was a carousel and he would park them and yeah. So there's there's a form of model trains where it's just that. But so it's like a puzzle. How do you get it on and off the tracks with this other train and not? like it's exclusively just it's like one of those things where you like have to like get a marble around a thing with two sticks or something but it's a math problem of staring at some tracks that are next to each other oh wow like you can just put it like he had them on he had the shelf but in his office so i mean we're talking about like a foot wide or two feet wide so a diorama of it's just tracks it's only tracks oh it's a it's parallel tracks with things that connect them, and then somehow that's a train puzzle. Okay. Oh, okay. That is the part that interests me less, and the trains

also. There was kids there. You're an artman. Right. And I'm not a trainman. And there was some tiny trainman kids there that were yelling like, oh my God, we're going to see Engine 57. And they were like high functioning spectrum kids that were like probably

could do math I've never even been able to look at. but I was there like a lot of people for the art of the and it was separate artists went in handmade all the they don't store it's not store bought gravel they they cut up little pieces of rubber band and sprinkle it and the little lights everywhere little forest fires that were lights with blowing little tiny crate paper I it was insane as I mean you've done some miniature stuff yourself did you are you like Maybe I'll join them. These are my people.

Yeah, it's 35 bucks a month, but that's just for the opportunity to go there and donate your time in an un-air-conditioned building. It used to be a place that manufactured stamps. And because of stamps, I guess, it has to be hot and humid. Yeah, there's probably some leftover stamp fumes, too. You don't want those stamps desiccating. Oh, well, you don't know me in my relationship with glue. All right. I had to leave. You've done a little stamped esication play in your time.

Yeah, it was hot enough that I was like, I don't know if I could make this a regular thing. If they just got some air conditioning, right. What about a swamp cooler? Would you settle for a swamp cooler? I do in theory, but the more that you read about swamp coolers,

they do provide a lot of humidity. Maybe a swamp cooler and a gator of ground beef. Yeah, a swamp cooler. I don't know what a swamp cooler is. It is a giant water-based vapor cooling system. And I don't know. I refuse to believe that they work. Yeah, it exchanges water in a tank for water in the air or something.

Yeah. And somehow that makes it cooler inside. Is this? I'm getting, this is something that maybe RFK uses to cool a house because it's more natural. No, I don't think, I don't think that's what it is. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Like, why would you, oh, you have some.

I think you use one of these. I think they're more energy efficient. than using air conditioning. Yeah, it's like basically a fan blowing on a block of ice. Yeah. Okay. If you were to make one at home. Or a fan blowing on a kiddie pool.

Yeah. Oh, God. That brings back memories. All these HVAC people in our audience right now are writing us angry letters for mischaracterizing swamp coolers. I'm just, I just want information. Yeah. I just want information.

You know what? Why are you asking us? Ask a swamp expert. Ask celebrity chef Paul. He'll tell you. Oh, yeah. That guy loves the Bayou. The Bayou.

Is he the guy that looks like Dom Deloese? Yeah. Well, Dom Deloese is the guy that looks like celebrity chef Paul Prude Home. Right. But then confusingly, he also did some chefing. Yes, he has his own cookbooks. Dom Deloese also has his own cookbooks. It will confuse a kid and still, and then when that kid becomes a man, he's still confused.

One of those guys should have yielded and changed their appearance. I think at some point they probably had a historic summit regarding who. who was going to drop the wearing of Applejack caps and who was going to pick up like short brim fedoras or something like that. Yeah. But they couldn't come to terms. Like the time Bert Reynolds promised Tom Selleck, he'd never wear a baseball hat. You have to have meetings. Yeah, exactly.

At the end of the day, you got to have meetings. Yeah. That's the thing with the Model Train Museum. Too many meetings. It always seemed weird to me that for a while there was a like Jimmy Buffett Sammy Hagar arms race as to who was going to be that guy. And it seemed like Jimmy Buffett just fucking blew Sammy Hagar out of the water. But there was a minute where it was like, Sammy Hagar's like, me too. I'm also the flip-flop guy.

Yeah. Yeah. And there was like two, they had dueling restaurant chains where like that was the theme. Anyway. I mean, Jimmy Buffett seemed a lot less troubled than Sammy Hagar, right? I don't know too much about either of them as men. I would guess that both of them have their dark passengers. Uh-huh.

But I think if I was to guess which one was more trouble, I would probably think it was, yeah, Sammy Hagar. Yeah. Jimmy Buffett knew how to drive under 55 miles and not. Right. For example. It's just one of the many life skills he had that Sammy Hagar didn't. I mean, and probably, I would guess Buffett's, you know, feeling on the matter is like,

hey, why you got to go so fast? Where do you got, where do you got to be? Be here, Nat, you know? One gets the feeling that, like, with the late Jimmy Buffet, this was an expression. of his passion for relaxing and money-making. Whereas with Sammy Hagar, you kind of get the impression that maybe he was drunk and passed out on the street somewhere and a sharp businessman grabbed his hand and signed a contract with it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I know. Yeah, it seemed a little, yeah, it seemed sweatier. Or maybe he was like in a restaurant running in circles and going, whoop-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup. And somebody was like, put some flip-flops on that. guy, we can get rich. Put some flip-pubs on that guy. Get him a signature cheeseburger.

Yeah. Get him a take on the margarita. If you had a model train layout of your own right now, what kind of layout would it be? Would it be a representation of Southern California? Would it be fanciful? Would it be in medieval lands? Those are the three choices.

Yeah. I mean, I like the buildings. And it would have to be a small town. like surrounded by mountains, a truckie California. Oh, sure. All saloons. Even when I was a kid, I wanted to make the frontages with my dad. We went to a craft store, bought all the balsa wood and everything to make like a mercantile and a Wells Fargo bank.

And I just wanted to make that. And then I saw how much work it was. And I waited until COVID to do my first. That's consistently been my problem. I can't do anything that takes a lot of work. If you have to focus the entire time and do something, I'm out. Yeah. I am out.

It's a shame because as a kid, I was willing to put in the hours. But during COVID, you did? What did you build miniature of in COVID? A bookstore with little books and little furniture. A lot of it was from a kit. But all the instructions were I couldn't read them. Another language. I'm not world.

helply enough to know what language they were. Dutch maybe? Seems Dutch to me. Czech. Yeah, yeah. Or Swedish. Slovak. It did look like IKEA furniture.

Can I just say, if you're out there in your check, don't tell other checks that I said it was Slovak, okay? And vice versa. I mean, check please, right? Thank you. Slovak, no thank you. No, thank you. Check please.

The best part of that whole process was there's a little chandelier that I turned into sconce lamps and it came with a little battery. And at one point, putting together this chandelier, I got the most adorable little electric shock from the battery. A wee little shock. When you turned the chandelier into sconces, did you have to wire up the sconces to connect them to the guts of the chandelier? I had to add other wires. I'm into lighting, it turns out. That's the whole reason.

No, the reason I did it, I like the backgrounds of Wallace and Gromit animations. That kind of miniature. Those, like I said, like dioramas, like fake brick walls and buildings and an old trash can. I like that. And now it's a thing. Like my social media is constantly giving me like miniaturists. I got it. That's the new thing.

I got to tell you, one of my kids, my youngest kid Frankie, who has had this interest in making miniature shit. And he doesn't have any particular artistic gifts at all. He's no Chris Fairbanks, but maybe they'll develop. We'll see. Okay. But he watches YouTube's of mostly Warhammer people. Warhammer is like figurine-based dungeons and dragons-y kind of thing.

And these people, on YouTube, what they put into a hillock. Right. Just the heart and soul that they pour into the like sawdust that they're sprinkling on something. A monocle and then they take a tiny brush and fleck blood splatter. Yeah. Like eight color gradients of model paints. Like, oh, well, if you put a sheer this on top of a mat, that, and then you build the, you're building color here and you're doing this. and then we got to add a little bit of turmeric on top.

Yeah, yeah. For anti-inflammatory reasons. Like, it is incredible. And these people that do it are the sweetest men on earth. Yeah. Like, they are so lovely. Yeah, Chris, I was going to ask you in your feed, what are the miniature influencers like?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, like. Do they know the miniature wife when they introduce me coming soon? There is a guy that on Instagram that, He only had a couple videos, and my feed me it early on, and now it's wildly popular because he made all of New York City. When he puts it all together, he doesn't even have enough room. They're all on pallets, millions of buildings, handmade from just random objects, and it looks like a photo, realistic, tiny, all of New York City. and you would need a whole warehouse to assemble it all together.

Meanwhile, he's in his apartment. They're just stacked or in storage. And he seems like mentally. Yeah, he's having, yeah, sure. Something's going on. But it's so, so much talent. And, yeah, I guess I was always into it. Like I made a war scene with melted soldiers and the mud was made of tile grout.

And I just bought some tank. and, you know, some models, but just spent a lot of time painting them and putting a thin layer of snow and just had it on a three-by-four, like, wood palette. And I got best in show at the Western Montana Fair. Whoa, hold on. Meanwhile, this old man made a rocking chair out of one piece of wood,

and I got best in show, and he got, like, second. And I felt, even as a kid, I'm like, well, that guy made a chair for years. I remember feeling really bad about that. Should we go put your blue ribbon on his grave? Yeah, I feel bad. It was the gimmick of me being a kid. Sure.

Yeah. You got some kid points. That had all this unresolved. That's how I got my own public radio show. Oh, yeah, yeah. Little kid outfit. My childhood best friend is an artist, and he one day sent me the work of this guy that he knew in San Francisco. His name is Malcolm Kenter. And he made miniature versions of buildings

from the neighborhood that I grew up in. Wow. And they'll be, they're generally like very unremarkable buildings. So like liquor stores, drug stores, things like that. And like, he doesn't just represent them perfectly. Like they're kind of like nasty and dirty in the, the same way that they were. I mean, like, I'm a little bit from the hood. So, like, they look like that. Like, they look like, and because of the, like, adolescent feelings around gentrification that I retain in my heart from 30 years ago.

Yeah. Like, I remember looking at these buildings, and there were buildings that I recognized immediately, like, immediately, like 49ers liquor store. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And I just like just started pouring tears. Wow. Looking at these miniatures of buildings that don't really exist anymore.

You know, or maybe they're, you know, whatever, a dispensary now or something. Yeah, yeah. Like that experience of seeing a real thing tiny is a very, have you ever been to those miniature interiors at the Chicago Institute of Art? Isn't that where there are they Chicago Institute of Art? I've gotten so many, since I made my little bookstore, dozens of people want me to go. see that. If it's fucking incredible, that's why. They're fucking breathtaking. I gotta see it. Yeah. And I am, that does speak to me.

An alleyway with a dumpster and a cat and a puddle of mud and some syringes. I like the... Yeah. Okay. Look, I'm gonna go I'm gonna go stick my finger into a tiny, tiny syringe.

Okay, sure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne. America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Jordan, have I got news for you, buddy? I love news. Every episode of Jordan Jesse Go is brought to our audience by our audience. Yes, that's right. I refer here to the folks who are members of maximum fun. Thank you members of maximum fun. You're wonderful. Thank you. We love you. You're the reason we do a show.

You're the reason we do a show. Audience of Jordan, Jesse, go. Very beautiful. also have a message up on the Jumbotron this week. That's where our listeners can share messages with our listeners. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron. This is a message, by the way, Jordan. Today I was talking to my mother. Mm-hmm. You know, Judy. It's Mother's Day. It's the time to talk to Judy. And she has like a little shed in her backyard. She put up a TV in there. Oh, yeah? You know what she calls that room? What did she call it?

The Jumbotron. That's fun. Yeah, she says it's cozy in there and the Jumbotron. I'm like, okay, Mom. Oh, she called it the whole... She called it as far as I could tell. The structure is the Jumbotron. My mom's language is not always heavy on clarity.

Sure. There's a lot of big ideas in there. A lot of words that even I don't know, be they made up or, you know, terms of art in academia. Yes. In this case, I think she was referring to the whole room as the JumboTron. Gotcha. Because there's a Jumbo TV in there. So it sounds like a Jumbotron can be anything.

It could be a shed where you watch TV, or it could be a message that's shared on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's like a John for people who live in Philadelphia to refer to anything. We have a message up on the Jumbotron, a message for Rents from Candice. Happy Birthday Rents. this thoughtful gift to express how much I treasure our friendship. As I am now writing from the past, I wonder, what did you do to celebrate my birthday last month? I bet it was really nice. I bet you didn't forget at all. And good thing, because if you did, that would definitely

mean I'm the better friend. Love you, pal. These two clearly have a fun dynamic. I want more Jumbotrons. I don't want them to be negative per se, but I want them to include cheeky challenges. A little sass, a wee bit of sass. Yeah, give a little bit of a little something extra.

Yeah. You're paying the bill. Listen, our show heavy on sass, I think the Jumbotrons should be as well. And you know what? If they're going to be heavy on sass, why don't I make them heavy on ass? Show that thing.

Yeah. somehow. We'll describe it. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Send us a picture of the dumper. We'll say what it looks like on the show. Jordan, I have two big Judge John Hodgman shows coming up.

Incredible. On the 15th, Friday of the 15th, as the day after this episode is released, I will be with John Hodgman at Dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles, performing the night court show. With us will be two all-time Jordan Jesse Go favorites and good friends of ours, Jordan, Mr. Al Madrigal and Mr. is Cristella Alonso. Incredible. What a line up.

That's going to be a ton of fun. You know, you know what Al's full name is? I don't. Alfonso. Okay. I asked him one time. Alfonso Madrigal and Cristella Alonzo at Dynasty Typewriter on Friday evening. We also have a show in the Boston area

in Brookline, Massachusetts on June 11th, June 11th, at the Coolidge Corner Theater, Jordan, this is a now of fully renovated nonprofit theater that in its time was the workplace of one Mr. John Hodgman. Fun. It's the movie theater that John Hodgman worked at when he was a teen. Now it is a beautiful stage-in-screen spectacular venue where we're going to do the night court show.

Awesome. And, you know, we don't have any guests booked, but I'm going to say probably we'll get groanck. It's Boston, right? We'll get groanck. What's he doing? We can get gronk. Probably.

Have you seen that movie, by the way, with the remake with Sylvester Stallone, get gronk? I missed it. I'm waiting for it to hit streaming. Yeah. It wasn't a full joke, but, you know. Yeah. You got anything going on, Jordan? Yeah, listen, I'm just encouraging people to go to bit.

bit.ly slash cool garf, bit. dot ly slash cool garf. That's the website. Everybody's going to say it with me, Jesse. Bit.ly slash cool garf. Cool garf. That's where you go to order a signed copy of Baby Garfield number three, featuring a story from me,

an Eisner winning artist, Tin Fam, baby Garfield. He baby. He be? He baby. Oh. Well, Goo Goo Gaga, my friend. He baby, yes.

The fun for the whole family Garfield Comics Adventure, signed by me, shipped to you from the good people at Golden Apple Comics, Bit.L.Y slash cool garf. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. Chris, you've been on the show over 400 times, and all you have is today's guest.

That's all I've ever done. It's a callback, Joe. If Chris Fairbanks doesn't say, I'm Chris Fairbanks, today's guest, people are going to freak out. What if he said today's special? People would freak out. Because that's a Canadian TVS show. Yeah, I ran on American PBS, but I think it ran on regular TV and camera.

So usually someone takes the reins and yes and's your improv with a and I'm a, I just got my boilers license. Yeah, that's typically how it goes. But I think you have been saying today's guest in that cadence. Well, I believe you. I don't remember this. I guess it's certainly it appears that it is I who are the fool. This is a beloved, it's a beloved meme. Yeah.

Jesse, are the fool? Yes, that is. Chris Irvanks, today's guest. It's in, you know, hey, Chris, are you looking forward to eating that apple finally? Oh, God. He has an apple. I'm just looking at the contours of my jacket, which I'm not wearing, and it's bulging. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait, where is it? Oh, that discerning apple. What's that bulging in the jacket then? It's just an apple. It's a tumor. The jacket tumor. I mean, Chris, you're, Jordan and Chris, you're both underselling this apple. This apple is a monster.

This thing is a beast. This is like a two-pounder. Yeah. Oh, my God. He has it. Okay. Yeah. It's it out of the pocket.

Yeah. It is. It's a honey crisp. Ooh. A honey crisp is pretty good apple. Yeah, yeah. I'm very excited. I've learned from past podcasts.

People don't like when you eat into a microphone, so I won't be doing any ASMR. I guess some don't like it and some really like it. So it's, you know, who do you, who is our master, you know? Some people can only come if Chris Fairbanks is eating an apple. Specifically a honey, Chris. No gala's. And the visual has to be a snapshot of my toes. Would you say Apple is your number one fruit, Chris?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you've got to keep that doctor away, right? Yeah, yeah. I hate doctors. I don't trust them. Keep away. Keep away, sir.

Or, madam. Thank you. Thank you. I want both you to stay away, men and women. What if Apple a day was exclusively a matter of just pure anti-doctor sentiment?

It wasn't pro-health. Right. It was just I eat an apple every day. Because I, so that I don't have to look at a fucking doctor. Tung depressors. Their little mirror hats. headbands with the little mirror. Yeah.

Well, hey. I am kind of anti-doctor. Oh, yeah? Not a fan? That's why you have that swamp cooler. Yeah. That's why I do all my research and tell them what I think is wrong with me, and I don't let them get a weird end-edged price. I'll tell you what, I feel like if I'm at a doctor,

I'm talking about a primary care physician PCP, yeah, who had one of those solar collectors on their forehead. You know what I'm talking about? It's like a doctor, doctor headband. Yeah. So this is like what you would see, you know, a doctor and a cartoon wearing. Oh, sure. A headband with a reflective disc.

Oh, early, like a Deadwood doctor. Yes, sure. Like a Norman Rockwell doctor. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If I met a doctor who had that on and it wasn't just like, yeah, and then on the weekends I work at the hat store. You know what I mean? Right, right.

It wasn't like a whole, it wasn't like a fucking sleeve garters thing. Although a certain Who wore sleeve garters I would also be interested in that Might be interesting But if I met a doctor Who had just You know, maybe his dad gave it to him

His dad was also a doctor Or his mom Or his mom Or her mom Oh Or her dad Sure Or their cousin

So wait I think we've covered all the bases There are garters That a man used to wear on his calf to hold up his socks. Yeah, and then there's a garter that holds your sleeve so that the cuff doesn't slip down onto your hand when you're doing something with your hands,

specifically dealing cards, making drinks. Oh, yes. You don't want your cuffs to get into the stuff, so you wear something that holds your cuffs up above your wrist. Keep the cuff at the stuff. Yeah, it used to be a big problem in America. Your cuffs getting away from you. People were getting cards up.

People were putting cards up. Oh, that's the reason. Chris. Anyway, what I'm saying is if I met somebody with one of those discs on their forehead and they came by it honestly, that would be my new primary care physician. Yeah. I wouldn't want them to be doing it as a bit. Right.

And I wouldn't want them to be doing it as a, you know, because they're also wearing a bowler hat. Right. But if they come by it honestly, I'm in. Sold. I guess I don't know what that was for. I think it is for lighting lizards on fire. No. Yes.

Yeah. It is. Point your head, right, the lizard? Pre-battery, pre-electricity. Yeah, when you didn't have a good flashlight, you had a bowl on your head that collected whatever light was there and pointed it towards where you were looking. Yeah. It's a light focuser. Okay, so you can get a look in the mouth or.

Yeah, it's like one of those, it's like one of those skyscrapers with the reflective stuff on it that lights someone's carpet on fire across the street. I'm learning a lot. Right, right. learning a lot. You're in luck. It turns out you're not sick. You're just covered with ants. Let me burn them off.

I really want you to be... I'm looking forward to you getting to enjoy that Apple, Chris. I can't wait. It's going to have to be a post-show Apple. We don't have time. Yeah, we don't have time. Oh, I forgot to mention. Not a wasted second on this podcast.

Those tiny football helmets were stolen. I had a vague memory of... Someone stole them from me, and I was pretty bummed. out. Years later, I was at a party for a going away party at a restaurant. I was dancing with a clock, a snap on tools, nudie lady, clock that I took off the wall and, yes, I was drunk, but I hung it back on the wall. Suddenly... Sounds funny. Sounds like a good bit. Yeah, it was... It was a killing. Everyone laughed. And that is like, I've had my fun, put the clock back on the wall. Suddenly, the clock was missing. The chef of the restaurant that we were partying at accused me of

stealing it. The guy who was dancing with it earlier. And yeah, exactly. It made sense. But I was, uh, in that moment realized he was my neighbor when I was a kid. He's the one that stole the football helmets. And I'm like, actually think I, yeah. And I realized it in that moment. Okay. I'm like, no, Kevin.

I didn't steal the clock. But you stole my football helmets from me when we were kids. Fucking Kevin. I saw. The pot has called the kettle black. Yes. Me stinks. on this day. And he was, he thought that it was some sort of witchcraft. He had forgotten that he stole

did. Did he steal the helmets? Yes, I know he did. Wow. He played it cool and maybe I just lost my mind and he wasn't the culprit. Well, you're owed that clock then. Yeah, yeah. That clock should be yours. It's still in the building. I think the building has since burned down and rebuilt, but that clock is still. You built down the, you burned down the entire building just to cover your tracks. I was away on a church retreat. read. I remember getting the news and we were in Canada. Yeah, I just blocked... How convenient. I was listening to Blood Sugar Sex Magic

before that band was controversial and I was out of the country when the mansion burned down. Power of equality was one of the real songs on that album, if I remember my 11-year-old year of school correctly. Yeah, it's so funny what you watch, like we were saying, with sitcoms. Did you guys enjoy your 11-year-old year of school, the way. It was a magical year of school. Yeah. The magical year of school for everyone. Yeah, the 11th year.

As they all called it where I'm from. We were, we were a home improvement family. We would all sit down and watch Home Improvement. I did not learn about the, yeah. That's just how I say what? That wasn't like a cheap to melon bit. Oh, well, it was really good. Yeah, I know. I didn't, I didn't discover Seinfeld until like later until it was like almost off the air. Did Seinfeld and Home Improvement were at the same time? Thursday night. I think so. Yeah, I think you had to pick one. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Because I remember both. I remember watching both of them. Okay. Maybe not. Maybe I... Maybe they diverged like two roads in the wood. I took the road less traveled. I took the road less traveled. So yeah. Yeah. I remember during commercial breaks skipping over and it's like,

oh, it's still this bullshit. And then we go back. I don't think, I think if you are watching home improvement, you skipped over to Seinfeld. You'd be Pretty fucking baffled. Yeah. Whereas if you were watching Seinfeld, you switched over to home improvement. You're going to get a couple decent gags in there and check back into Seinfeld. Yeah. The stream is much more important in Seinfeld than it is in home improvement, I would argue.

Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of streams, we got some calls. Oh, I thought. We pulled those right from the stream like fish. I thought you were going to ask about my urology appointment. Oh, speaking of streams. That's your piss.

Oh, cloudy. Let's all go around the room and describe our piss. Not a wasted moment on this podcast. What kind of work you think Jonathan Taylor Thomas does? Just like in the world now? Yeah, 2026 JTT. It's like. 2026 JTT.

I think powerful stream. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Do you think he gets enough residuals that he doesn't work? Could be. I mean, I think if you were on a big sitcom in the 90s, you know, you probably, that's when you're getting those big residues. I know that he's done a real middle child from Malcolm in the middle.

Not Malcolm. whatever, the young one who's not an actor anymore and lives a normal life. I think he... Did one of those? My phone likes to say, I clicked on a few, the oldest kid, being arrested for DUI videos and... It now thinks you want to know about all the kids. It's updating me on the whole family. Yeah.

Yeah. JTT is not an actor anymore. I don't think so, yeah. He's just a normal dude. Yeah, let's do this. Let's listen to a call. Gabe researched the last 20 years in Jonathan Taylor Thomas's life. if he's passed away or something depressing has happened,

we'll cut this all out. But if not, we'll talk about it after we hear a call maybe, right? Yeah. Yeah, great. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, I guess. I'm a guest.

W. Camel Bell, who's Jackson and Minneapolis calling with a momentous occasion. I'm on my way to a job site. One of the first nice days in spring and riding my bike down there. And I see this guy pushing a stroller down the street. Look over at the stroller. It's got two giant speakers in it, each of them the size of like a five-year-old. And as I look over, when it starts playing, living just enough of the city by Stevie Wonder. He's bumping it hard.

Fucking rule, goddamn tremendous. Float that boat. Fuck ice, go twins. Love you guys. Whom, wom, wom, wom. That's a fucking great part when that song really kicks in. In this neighborhood, the very one we're in now, I was walking around. and saw a guy pushing a wheelchair with a giant speaker in it.

And I'm like, this is a good, this is a fun move. Yeah. This is a man, this never heard of rules. I hope that, I hope that, you know, the wheelchair. I hope there's not someone who needs the wheelchair, who doesn't have it now. You think maybe somebody got pushed out of the wheelchair. I don't know. I just don't know why he has the spare wheelchair that has a speaker in it.

You know what? I hope that if anybody got pushed out of the wheelchair, it's the guy in the wheelchair who jumped me when I was 12. Oh, yeah. He deserved a guy in a wheelchair. A lot of people right now are imagining actually jumping you like evil can evil. I might have been ten. I was at the bottom of the Snake River Gorge. First this guy in a wheelchair jumped me.

Then he jumped seven flaming school buses. It was just an injured evil caneeble. I was laying down near some barrels. And then. What if the person in the wheelchair was singing an out of tune living just enough for this? that they pushed him out and then put a speaker in and said, this is how it's supposed to sound. Yeah.

Yeah, that doesn't make a sense and wasted our time. No, no, no. You can't waste time on this show, Chris. You could only fill time with words and talking. In her, what was that that Stevie Wonder album is my first cassette tape I ever bought? Oh, that's a great choice. Yeah. That's a great choice.

When I was in high school, our jazz and hip-hop dance teacher, who was also, a Golden State Warriors dancer. Very beautiful young woman. She choreographed a dance to Living for the City, which number one is weird because it opens with an extended skit. Like the amount of dialogue at the beginning of Living for the City when he gets off the bus and says, New York City, just like I pictured it. And the cops immediately pick him up.

I'm just walking across the street. Yeah. This is all like, I listened to that, there was a podcast about Stevie Wonder called The Wonder of Stevie. And it was very interesting Wesley Morris from the New York Times hosted it. But there was a lot of talk about like the level of poetry and Stevie Wonder's words and stuff. Yeah. And I'm like, I believe that this is the greatest American songwriter.

However, I'm not prepared to go there with you. Yeah. Just based on New York City, just like I pictured it. And then he just gets arrested right away. Yeah. But the thing that I remember most vividly, is when we were choreographing that dance, there was a move that was,

and Jordan, you're going to have to describe this. Because I, you know. Okay, yeah, Jesse's jutting out his hand. My left hand with a pointed. Right. And then he went, and you clap, and he slapped the extended hand, and you bring the clapped hand up your arm.

And then cup it over your other armpit. So you clap up front. It's a cool move, and you slop. and you slide. Slide it over your cuff garters. Until you're formally extended forward. To prove you haven't palmed an ace. Until the formerly extended forward arm is now all the way out to the side.

Now you're doing some sort of a straight neck dab. It's sort of a bit of a, it was a proto dab. It's a precursor to the dab. She would say, she would go, okay now, drug line, drug line. That was a dance move symbolizing. intravenous drug use that she taught us. Wow. That's how I can tell you're going to arts high school if a Warriors girl is teaching you how to do an IV drug dance.

Yeah, that's some Juilliard shit. Sorry, LaGuardia High School. Gabe, do we have an update as to what Jonathan Taylor Thomas has been up to? Hopefully it's not depressing? No, not at all. Oh, good! He attended Harvard. And also the Harvard University.

Harvard University, where he studied philosophy and history. in history. With Sierra Caddo. Yes. And he also went to a university of St. Andrews in Scotland, and he went to Columbia. Nowadays, he is a board member of Sag Afra. And he also appeared and directed a few episodes of Last Man Standing, the other Tim Allen show. Okay.

So he's still in the Tim Allen universe. What are his politics? No need to Google that. Let's not, let's, you know what? Let's stop there. We're having fun. We're proud. of him. Let's not Google about what he thinks about issues. If I know what he thinks about the current

no, no, no, no, no, bathroom's fine, Olympics fine. We don't need to know about any of this. So he went to Harvard just for shits and giggles and then went back to directing Tim Allen's. He went to the universe of St. Andrews. Presumably, he's like, I'm going to keep doing hacky Tim Allen shit. Yeah, okay. I thought maybe I was going to do a life in academia ideas. He's like, I loved, I enjoyed philosophy, but I've never at Cat Dennings. Right. That might be fun. Maybe she can introduce me to Andrew W.K.

Who she's married to, I think still. I think so also. That seems right. We got another call of the old call river. Can we reach in and grab another call? I think this is, Chris, obviously, you know this because you've been on our show so many times, but we think of a lot of segments for the show. So this isn't just someone calling in to say some shit they wanted to tell us.

It is. claiming it's for a segment. Right. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go. this is Zach from Minneapolis so also a hello guest I am calling in for your signature

segment cryptid breakfast clubs last week you said that the Yeti was a real nerd and I just had to call in because obviously

Ali Sheedy is Mothman Thanks love you lots God to have someone describe what happened on the show. I'm like, I don't know. Why would you listen to this? Is that what happens on the show? That? Allie Sheedy is Mossman? I don't know what any of that means. Is this a, do you think that we just activated a sleeper agent? Maybe. Yeah. Fucking weird. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to respond to that. It was all nonsense to me. Is Ali Sheedy one of the breakfast clubs? Yeah. Yeah.

Is she the nerd of the breakfast club? She drew a covered bridge, like the one from that Madison County book or a movie. And then snowed on it with her dandruff. Oh, yeah. I got confused right from the start or right from the end when he said he was from Minneapolis, but he didn't end by saying fuck ice go twins. Yeah.

Which I was, my understanding was, if you're calling in from the Twin Cities, you end with fuck ice go twins. I guess this is this batch of calls is proving that Minneapolis, that's where our people are. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe these two can get together.

Or maybe you guys need to take this show on the road to Minneapolis. Maybe. Can I tell you something about Minneapolis and the twins? Yes. Let's find out what they think about the new pope. Let's see how they feel about today's politics. The Minnesota twins probably have good politics, right? The guys on the twins, they're all from Tampa or whatever. Let's not. Wait, there's a newer pope than the one from a year ago? I think we still got that American pope. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm calling him the new pope still. Yeah. And he's proving to be pretty good, not evil.

Yeah, I mean, there's some classic Pope problems. I'm sure. You know, there's a few built-in problems to papacy. Yeah. You know what I mean? But overall, he's pretty kick-ass. Okay. As far as Pope's go.

As far as Pope's go. Okay. If you just compare him to other guys who wear that hat. Right. He's right up near the top. And he's like from New York or something, right? He's from Chicago. He's a White Sox fan.

Oh, wow. Okay. There's a video of him at the World. World Series on TV from the World Series TV broadcast the last time the White Sox were in the World Series. Oh, wow. Well, go twins. Yeah, go twins. I don't know much about

baseball. Or White Sox, if you're Pope Leo. Yeah, sure. Right, right. Thank you. Hold on. Let's figure out what baseball team is from what city. We'll take a break. Come back for a little bit more. Uh, fuck ice, go twins. We'll be back in just a second on, Jordan, just ago. La La La La. all the Max Fund members who supported us during Max Fund Drive.

You're helping us as we try to put more good into the world. And as part of putting more good into the world, we've opened our annual Post-Drive charity sale. Max Fund members at $10 per month or more can purchase Max Fund Drive keychains featuring designs for shows across the network. And all members can buy our charity exclusive keychain starring Mikey, our little microphone buddy from this year's Max Fund Drive.

This year, we've decided to send the proceeds of the charity sale to the Center for Constitutional Rights. They're dedicated to the creative use of law as a positive force for social change, tackling issues like human rights abuses, racial injustice, and sexual and gender-based violence. These folks are fighting to make things better. So to get your keychains and support the Center for Constitutional Rights, head to maximum fun.org slash charity sale. And if you're not yet a member, we can still get in on this.

To support the show you're listening to and get access to bonus content and the charity sale, just click the link in the show notes. The sale is live now, and it ends on Friday, May 15th. That's maximum fun.org slash charity sale. And thanks again. Sleep is important, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm John Moe. On sleeping with celebrities, famous people help conk you out by talking in soothing voices

about unimportant things. Maria Bamford on parking. I parked in a bus stop. That's just not right. I am not a bus. Roxanne Gay on airports. My favorite airport is Indianapolis. It has a really smart layout.

Alan Tudik on yardsticks. You hand somebody a yardstick. Yard sticks become part of the family. Granted, it's a weird idea, but it's lots of fun and it works. Listen, wherever you get podcasts. It's Jordan Jules. Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Ooh, Jordan Morris, boy, detective.

Chris Fairbanks, uh, house inspector. You can still do today's guest. You should don't, don't let old Jesse Thorne get in your head. It's my fault. I'm the one that doesn't even pay attention to what's going on on my own goddamn show with my friend Chris Fairbanks. It's okay. It's just most of the calls have said hello to you and hello to the guest.

Yeah, W. Camel Bell. Yeah, it's, What? What? I didn't, I missed that. People just say who they think the guest is in case they're right, so they can feel special.

Camau is our friend. Sure. Do I text with Camau occasionally? Yes. You may leave a comment on an Instagram that he made or vice versa. Yes. Have we known Camau for now 20, more than 20 years? Yes, that's true.

But Camel lives in Oakland, so he's not in Los Angeles very much. and when he is in Los Angeles, he's busy doing real show business things that pay real money. Did his mother go parasailing when we were on that cruise ship? Dude, Debbie Kamau Bell's mom was going wild when we were on that cruise ship. I loved her. I was seated next to her during dinner. Did you know that she had an entire career self-publishing books of inspirational African-American quotations? No. And selling them black bookstore to black bookstore across America and like became,

middle class and upper middle class by doing so. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, she's so fucking cool. She's the coolest. Hopefully she's still with us, knock on wood. He didn't want her to go parasailing, and I talked her into it, and I really feel like, and he's like, see, you don't want to go now. And she's like, I've changed my mind. I think I would like to. And she looked at me, and I just looked up at the ceiling. I really want to know how that. Chris Fairbanks said it was a good idea. No, no, no. Don't quote me on that and sell it for profit. But yeah, maybe she's still parasailing to this day. Thanks to your encouragement.

I hope so. I hope she did. Get out the hay. It was a delight. Mrs. Cheatham Bell, I believe, was her time. Yeah, she was the best. Yeah. And is. We all love W. Camel Bell's mom, right? Yeah.

I've not met her, but she sounds great. It sounds like you really fucking blew it. I know. I would love to meet her sometime. Have you ever been parasailing? I've never been parasailing, no. No, that's sort of where you meet. chicks like that. Yeah, I know. I know. Parasail here much, you say? Did you pull up alongside

them? Yeah, it's a good way to break the ice. Yeah. But don't like run into them so you both plummet to your death. Oh, this is mid-air. Yeah, this, I think it's, I think that's what Jesse's suggesting, right? Yeah. Chris Fairbanks, what flying have you done? Which forms? Uh, 400-foot bungee jump. Hell yeah. Whoa, for real. Uh, how much do you weigh? Uh, okay. do you want your head to dip into the water or no? And I'm like, all right.

And they needed to weigh me. They had a scale. It was on a train trestle in Truckee. There was a guy with a scope looking down one, like the tunnel and a guy with the other. And a train started to come. We had to gather everything because bungee jumping is illegal. And we had to hide under the train bridge and then hurry up. Like you had to run to the end of the train bridge, go under.

underneath on the hill? With all the bungee cords and I'm like, wait, do we know which cord was mine? We decided which one was mine for my weight. And then I really thought when I jumped off, the cord would be too long. But my head dipped in the water. Wow. And they give you a second jump. And I'm like, no, no, one was enough.

It felt like dying. How do they get you back after the first one? They reel you in? Do you climb up? They do. They pull you up. Yeah. and you kind of sprawl out in a in a in a in a in a JC pose but I did the dive I I

curled into a ball I did all the flips and then it's being pulled up towards the bridge slowly that it's terrifying wow and they I didn't do my second job but then afterwards they pulled out a automatic like an Oozie and shot it against who are these viewers they truckie california it is This is Debbie Kamau and his mom. It is Vertigo bungee jumping as seen on MTV. I remember the card. Wow.

Yeah. That was the only... Did you seek it out? Did you seek it out? You choose this? Yeah. Are you like, I got to do this? Someone said, do you want bungee jump for free tomorrow?

And we were up late. Yeah. Maybe I was doing drugs. There's a lot of drugs in that town. Sure. In Truckee? No. Yeah.

No. I had flame. died into my hair. It was during a period where it's dying my hair a lot. And yeah. Okay. I, uh, punchy jump and it was terrifying. And the water put out the flames when you. Yes, yes. I came up and it was sizzling. Yeah, yeah. Like, uh, yeah, like, uh, yeah, like that. You didn't find it to be life affirming? No, it was terrifying. It, it just felt like I, I did not get anything from it, except I will not be taking my second jump. Thank you. Did it hurt? no no it just felt like dying

except for the dying part and then I was happy to be alive and yes it my head did dip in the from that high up for to dip your head in the what most spongy jumps I think are like 200 feet this was over 400 it was really scary it's really high up I think I wouldn't want my head to dip in the water 40 story building

yeah yeah I'm saying you're dumb for choosing I know I personally wouldn't want to dip I felt like they wanted me to say, yes, I want my head to dip in the water. And then everyone was just jumping off, climbing, standing on the railing of a bridge and jumping off. And my knees were shaking so much that I had to get them to help me. Had they all done it before? I had watched three or four people go before me. And then it was my turn.

I think we did it. And then you shot an Uzi at a wall? I did not touch the gun. And I'm not a big gun guy. And it was hitting a wall. I mean, legends of the fall. the ricochet. It's how I lost his wife. That's all I was thinking of is. Have none of you psychos? Have none of you drugged up psychos seen legends of the fall?

I just was up at South Lake Tahoe nearby and sure enough, after the comedy show, they wanted me to shoot automatic weapons with them. And it's just what people do up there. Yeah. I'm not a big gun guy. Yeah. But you, is that the most daredevally thing you've done? Is that jump? other than just snowboarding and jumping off stuff What about if you ever use a parachute or paraglided, parasailed wingsuit

fly your own small aircraft John Denver style? No, no I would have guessed that you would hang glided I have not hang glided but there is a very famous hang gliding spot on the hill I grew up on

And I'd watch them all the time. I had access. I've hiked up there. I see where they go off, but I've never, I don't want to. Right. That's too, uh, no control. If you could get your own glid, you would have, but.

Yes. I just don't want. You could. Yeah. I wouldn't want to. I don't want to do any high up. I don't want to do any high up stuff. Arvin,

Arvin Tyler from college went through a period where he was obsessed with parisailing. Paragliding. Paragliding is the one where it's like a hang glider, but you can have more control over, like it's like a parachute. Oh, I don't know the difference. Yeah.

And paragliding. You don't say it's paragliding. It's where there's a big thing with foils and you jump off a thing and you can fly around for quite a long time. Oh, yeah. And he was completely obsessed with it. And then one time he broke his leg doing it, which was not a problem for him. But while they were bringing him to the airport, to the hospital, somebody stole his parasail,

his paraglider. And they cost like $3,000. So he couldn't afford to buy a new one and he just stopped paragliding. Yeah, yeah. But like, who's wandering around the hill? stealing paragliders. I think it's probably just someone doing general wandering and they saw an opportunity.

Yeah. I don't think you're wandering to do that, like a mushroom forager. Maybe they were metal detecting. Yeah, it could be. Or like doing some unrelated crime. They're just hiding a body. They're sweeping back and forth.

Yeah. And you see the opportunity and you take it. It's like a simple plan, but with a paraglider. Yes. And it does not end well. Chris, do you need a ride as the pie? I've been on it several times. It's a delight.

You host it with Karen Kilgariff. It's the best. Thank you. Still out there. People can get it anytime. Still enjoying it. Still will continue to do it. No plans on stopping.

Take your time. Take your... Listen to it when you get to it. Don't do it now. Diner, T-Y-T. Yeah. So what I always say? Follow Chris.

You know what I recommend follow Chris on social media? Great. Because then every once in a while, your Instagram or your TikTok or what have you, I'll show you a little bit of Chris Fairbanks doing comedy, one of the most enjoyable things that there is in the world. Oh, thanks. Just see Chris Fairbanks and do a little joke where you can't say all the words in it that good. Yeah. And he sort of starts and stops a few times.

What a delight it is to watch that. That's one of the funniest guys. One of the funniest things in the world. Thank you. Any plans for your band that just plays, music from skateboard videos to get back together? Yeah, we're going to do a Sikh skate camp during adult week up at Mount Hood. Okay.

Yeah. And it's all Sikhs or is it over by the Goodwara? It is. It used to be high cascades snowboard camp, but it's, yeah, it's like adult week. Everyone's in their 40s. And I might be doing stand up at Woodward skate camp. Again, it's just this weird corporate gig I've picked up. But the band, yeah, we will play again.

We play like once or twice a year. Relearn all the songs. You got to get a SoCal date on the books, man. I know. I really do. It'd be huge. People would love it. Yeah.

It has to be kind of an old, like the songs are so specific to very specific skate videos that it's not the Tony Hawk Pro Skater soundtrack that everyone thinks it's going to be. It's a generation before that. Yeah, yeah. And some of the songs are like suicidal tendencies in both those sets. Yeah, there is suicidal in it. There's fire hose. There's, uh, dead kennedies.

I'd like to see you throw in a few like Souls of Mischief songs. Those are the ones I remember from skate videos when I was a teen. And we kind of stop early 90s. I want there to be more mid-90s. Uh, I don't know that I'm ready to white guy rap, souls of mischief, but I could do it. I think, I think you could do it. There's something about that and do you. You know what?

I say expand it. Let's do a few and one mixtapes. Yeah, yeah, I think that I just need to break out of my comfort zone. I've asked them many times to get a real singer, but I'm one of the founding members. Nobody else has that kind of Riz! And now I got a foot pedal that helps me mimic all the voices

in different settings. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah. Chris, you got to play Santa Ana. You've got to play Fullerton. These places will love you. I want to sound like each singer, and with this foot pedal,

I just cycle through all the settings. and it's really given me confidence. Cool. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I hope to see it someday. Gabe Mara is our on the boards this week. Jordan Cowling is our producer.

You can find us on social medias. Jordan David Morris and Jesse Thorne very famous on Instagram. Jesse Thorne and Jordan Morris and Jordan Jesse Go on Blue Sky, Facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go and so forth. And we will talk to you. Oh, our theme music. That's love you by the free. Design, courtesy the free design, lighting the attic records.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. A Worker Own Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.