Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Baby Hairs Are On Fleek with Kimberly Clark

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

Kimberly Clark joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk about Jesse's return to Skyrim, the top 4 mall stores and the 2023 new year slogan.Check out Kimberly on They Ready on Netflix or go see her live at the UCB in Los Angeles on January 24. Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use JJGO for 30% off + Free Shipping. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, back on my bullshit. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Yeah, that's right. Fucking gathering lavender again, Jordan. Wait, are you... Are you playing Skyrim again?

Have you restarted Skyrim? Jordan, I've tried other video games and I wasn't crazy about them. Yeah, not enough lavender, not enough herb work. Got a lot of mountain flower, all different colors of mountain flower. It's different this time though, Jordan. So yeah, I guess I, from what I understand, I've never played Skyrim. I would like to play it at some point. It's obviously a, you know, favorite video game of many people I know. I think people would put

it on their all time list, big kind of long involved role playing game. And yeah, from what I understand, they just kind of keep, instead of making a new one, they will just kind of keep re-releasing it on, you know, whatever the latest hardware is. You know this, Jordan. Yeah. I don't read Nintendo Power. Right. You don't know what's going on with Howard and Nestor, the comic characters in the back of Nintendo Power?

I don't know when the next big releases are. Right. So I'll go on social media. And some of our followers on social media are in the gamer gang right and i'll say when is there going to be a new skyrim and for 10 years they've just been saying yeah there's going to be a new skyrim at some point yeah and there's like one video of a dragon flying over a castle and, you know, that tells you nothing.

Sure. I played a whole game where it's like post-apocalyptic Skyrim. Right. It was like curdled milk Skyrim. And I played through the whole fucking thing, Jordan, just because it was like Skyrim. It's like one of these things where it's the basic. This is like heroin addict using methadone to try and get off the junk. Yes, only instead of methadone, it's sort of half-assed satire. Right. I think you're talking about the

Fallout. This is a fun connection. I think you're talking about the Fallout games, which I also have not played, but I know people love. that is going to be a tv show starring jordan jesse go running joke walton goggins oh well that sounds great the tv show sounds great the game is fun in the sense that it's the same as skyrim and not fun in the sense that i wasn't crazy about the other parts you don't like the grim aesthetic i don't like the grim aesthetic i don't like i'm tired of video games giving me this you know grand theft auto isn't this cute bullshit you know like it's not that cute you don't like satire yeah i don't i don't like look i don't care for it yeah you know if you're gonna mock something be different from it that's what i always say right

yes that's why you've banned jonathan swift from ever appearing on jordan jesse go right you're out ban list jonathan swift shadow band and then you know as chronicled right modest modest proposal yeah that's jonathan swift yeah you're on jonathan swift and then later r McKee and Ron Babcock. Oh, referencing local comedy zines from the Phoenix area. Yeah. I played that game, Fallout, and I didn't like it. Then everyone said I should play this other game, The Witcher 3 or 2 or something. And as chronicled on this program it's the worst gaming

experience i've ever had in my entire life this is just a bunch of completely incomprehensible cut scenes that i think were translated from dutch or something okay i'm out on that out o u t the other day my friend nick comes over in my house, Nick White. He says to me, oh, have you played Elder Scrolls or something? I don't remember what it's called. I think that might be what Skyrim's called. Yeah, I think it's part of a larger universe. Again, I'm just kind of putting together bits and pieces of conversations I've heard over the years. But yeah, I think they're all part of the Elder Scroll-averse.

Might not have been that. Might have been a different game. He's I said, don't at me if I'm wrong. I don't actually want to know. I don't care. I say, what's this game? And he says, oh, it's like Skyrim with harder fighting. That is the opposite. The reason I can play Skyrim is because the fighting is not hard. I want to have some fighting, but it can't be too hard. I'm not going to remember more than four buttons. You don't want to dodge roll. You don't want to combo counter. You don't want to go into bullet time. These are things you don't want.

I don't want to block. I don't want to have to watch whether... So I don't even have to ask if you're ready to parry look i'm willing to aim okay bow and arrows yeah give me bow and arrows or going up and pressing the attack button that's all i need right so it's been 10 years or whatever i think you want you're after a little game called Gauntlet. Oh, thank you. How do you feel about helping a wizard who needs food badly? You know, I have thought about buying that 3D arcade game with the wizard in it,

where the wizard pops up in the middle of a circle, and you put quarters in, and it's sort of like a hologram. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what I want. That would be fun. That would be fun. That would be fun to have a home version of that, but there's like an expensive light bulb you need to replace a lot. Jordan, I thought you were about to say that would be fun to have a home. To have a home, let alone a video game to put in that home.

So what I did instead, I'm recording this from a cot at the ymca i had tried playing all these different games video games and i had nothing's doing the trick i had just gone back to sitting at my computer and playing either baseball mogul right or this like early 90s space exploration simulator called spaceward ho strategy game not a simulator yeah and i was like i got to do something where i'm out in my living room with my kids and you know we can chat while i play or whatever and in the end i just went with skyrim but this time i'm a cat man oh yeah because you can like change classes right you can play you know, you know, you can roll a cleric at the beginning. You can roll a dwarf at the beginning.

You just choose which kind of guy you are. You can be either a Northern European guy or a cat guy. Okay. Choice is pretty easy there. Yeah. I mean, that ultimately, like the first time i played i just picked the first thing because i don't know cat guys are are good at seeing in the dark but that's i'm like i don't know if there's going to be a lot of dark in this game no way to tell and fucking curveball

jordan it's all dark and seeing in the dark doesn't work very well you still can't see shit even if you're a cat man even if you're a cat man pro tip for skyrim turn the fucking brightness all the way up jesus christ so i'm a cat man now but you're just doing it you're back in you're back in the world of the elder scrolls gathering i had the idea jordan that i was going to be lavender a different kind of guy because normally i was just a bow and arrow guy i thought about that i i do not typically do not replay a game once i've beat it but i do have some like beloved games that i was like what if i did play it again but you know boosted different stats

and maybe took a new path or something some games let you make different moral choices that affect the story of the game. Like in Fallout, for example, you can choose which side you're on. You can choose to be good or evil. And it's incredible because no matter what you choose, it goes along the same path and ends the same way, basically. So I chose to be a cat man and i thought i was gonna do something different from bow and arrows right like using magic spells really fuck up the enemy's couches yeah bashing guys with double swords and that kind of thing i was doing cat jokes but yeah go ahead you could have like supported me in that you could have done like you know yeah eating my own shit or whatever yeah that'd have been great people would have loved that but

just throwing up all the time why is this tolerable too late now it's a beautiful creature a wonderful companion who throws up too much there you go too much okay see that would have been really fun not to note you to death in the end

I'm just a bow and arrow guy. And then sometimes when I'm sneaking in sneak mode, I just steal shit. But is it fun? Are you having fun? Are you doing what you want it to do? I basically have a hole in my emotions. Yeah. That I hadn't been able to find a big enough piece of paper to paper over i had the glue

and the wheat paste or whatever yeah that he couldn't find something that could cover the hole so it's sort of like a narcotic it's not fun per se You just sit there and walk around and gather the fucking flowers and do the next mission. Kill the Dwemmers, fucking Dragors or whatever they're called. You know, try and Frost Dragon something, something Nord. Sounds like you're having a blast. This fucking thing, Jordan, has a story. Yeah. I don't want to know the fucking story

god i hate it as sometimes it makes you listen to the story i'm like shut the fuck up i just want to fucking bow and arrow some dragons can it i think sometimes they're just like trying to cover up load times oh god it's a lot of times you can't skip those because they're trying to cover up a load time you know it's a big thing in this fucking video game rather a loading screen maybe you would this video game that i love by the way you know it's a huge thing in this you find a book and then you're supposed to read it oh yeah i definitely do not have i i really like you know i'm i'm interested in the lore of my favorite games but that like oh you look what you've you should read the tome from the old world oh the old ones

left this old ones are always leaving shit around in video games pick up after yourself some society that was there before the game started pick something up for once yeah fucking old ones i like an audio log i like when you find someone's audio log i guess maybe that would wouldn't be there in a fantasy game but yeah they got those in fallout they got a lot of audio you can like listen to the what the technician at the lab was doing that's always a good time i don't know if i wanted to watch people talk i would If I wanted to watch people talk, I would watch this podcast or something. Self-owned. I don't know.

Us-owned. Should I introduce our guest on the show? I would love to. Our guest on the show, one of our all-time favorites, stand-up comic from here in the Los Angeles area. I was just telling a friend, Jordan, that he had to watch her set on They Ready. Oh yeah, sure. And especially her store-specific material. I like her specific retail material.

Kimberly Clark. Hi, Kimberly. How are you? Hi. Hi, guys. What's up? Kim, what's your top four stores in the mall? Number four. Worst to first, but it's the top four. So it's least best, but still good to best

best, which is the best. Great question. That's tricky. Okay. You said four? Yeah. Top four. Okay. You said four? Yeah. Top four. Four. Bath and Body Works. Bath and Body Works is the great... I believe that's the one that the great Todd Berry called Thoughtless Gift Warehouse.

When you're in a pinch, you can always get some hand cream for somebody. Nobody's going to turn down hand cream. I was at a White Elephant this holiday season with my swim team we had a little christmas party white elephant tons of fun and i the first thing i unwrapped was a waffle iron for dogs waffle iron i guess you could probably just put any batter in it and make human waffles but it was like marketed as a waffle iron for dogs so you put a

dog batter in it and it would make little bone-shaped waffles you could give a dog not a dog owner jordan if you wanted to make human waffles you would have to have some kind of human paste right i would find get some human meat i'm sure you could put human waffle batter in the and make dog waffles. I mean, you know what I mean? I think dogs would love that. I would just have bone shaped human waffles. Yeah. Please tell me you kept that.

So I, you know, and again, I think this was a great choice for a white elephant, which which I think the ideal white elephant gift is like some kind of like kooky made for tv thing that that gets a laugh when it gets unwrapped but maybe someone would actually like want or like i wouldn't buy this for myself but if i can like get it at the christmas party great so someone a dog lover a dog owner snatched it from me and i got you know i got swapped a bag of bath and body works shower gels and things i was like okay but then i opened them all up and was sniffing them you know there in the restaurant they all smelled great and i was like you know what this is fucking i wouldn't maybe wouldn't automatically go in here and get these for myself they smell amazing i'm excited to have these on me and then they fucking got snatched oh no you bet they did what'd you end up with i ended up with a

grab bag of items that helped with the aches and pains of swimming. So like a back roller, some like menthol-y creams. Vibrating butt plug. And a butt plug, yes. With a little propeller on it so I can whisk through the water like a little submarine. Anyway. I'm hurting right now. That's's fine at least it's practical i was but i but to your to your you know my point is that i wanted i really wanted to have those bath and body works you know lotions and and uh yeah they probably got a sale going on right now.

Yeah. Jordan, if you serious about it, you know what I'm saying? I can go grab the ones that I didn't get. Anyway, sorry, I interrupted top four, number four, Bath and Body Works. Bath and Body Works. Great choice. Can I say food places? Oh, I don't know.

This is Jesse's game. I'm going to say no. You can say food places as a sideline. Like if you want to bring up Orange Julius or Hot Dog on a Stick, that's fine. Come on, Jesse. But it's not going to be in the four. This is stores. Yeah, I got you. Okay. I will say Old Navy is number three number three very affordable very kitschy advertising if you need a t-shirt in the pinch you could just go there it's not gonna break your wallet in half i got a couple of soft ass old navy tees that i love that's what i'm saying it's you know their stuff is pretty durable not as durable as the Gap.

No, no, no, no. Let's not even touch on Banana Republic. Yeah, you're not paying Gap prices, though. That part. Yeah. Old Navy, what am I up to? Is that two? That's two.

Two or four. Okay. H&M. Love me some H&M. Okay. Okay. You're, Kimberly Kimberly more excited about fast fashion than I would have expected

you know I like to mix fast fashion with you know the good quality stuff I do a mixture like for fast fashion I do more like t-shirts and tank tops

you know, basics. Yeah. But like for the quality stuff, like my trousers and my skirts and, you know, stuff that needs more structure and stuff, I tend to spend more. I've always said this, and Jordan, you can probably confirm this. Kimberly Clark, best trousers in the game. I'm always talking about how great Kim's trousers are. You're always saying it. Yeah.

Listen, you know, somebody hit me to Milton Eadies. You know what I'm talking about? The dry cleaners in Toluca Lake. Yeah, this is a, my therapist's office was next door to Milton Eadies. Oh, for real? Okay. office was next door to milton ed's oh for real okay when i was a pa a production assistant and doing like gopher jobs i had to like pick up a lot of dry cleaning at milton ed's it's a dry cleaner in burbank's diner district with kind of like kind of like retro signage and it's like been there forever i get i get the sense that it's just been there since you know the beginning of time excellent tailors in there okay so whenever i buy something i go straight there so they can like tailor it to my body that's a great call a

piece that i spend money on you know i i never really did that but somebody you know that does clothing and stuff in the industry they were like you really should when you spend money like this you should get it tailored and yeah well you're after you drop it off swing by patties for their famous patties melt or you know what jordan this, Kim? Go see my old therapist. He's a great therapist. I'm going to have to take you up on that, Jesse. I don't know about the Patty's part. One time I said to this therapist, Kimberly, this is an asking questions therapist.

Some therapists say stuff. Some therapists only ask questions. He was an old-timey ask questions therapist. One time I said to him, you know know my dad got diagnosed with uh adult adhd but i'm not i don't have adhd and he said jesse how are you at non-preferred tasks and i felt like that was like checkmate he had defeated me in question form. You'd fucking jeopardy any insight into my mental health. So number two. H&M also a great place to get a soft ass t-shirt. I have some soft ass H&M t-shirts today.

H&M, yes. Very good place for basics. Any t-shirt that I wear is a soft ass t-shirt. Because you use it to clean your famously hairless ass well because i'll tell you why it's because i i get that gorgeous ass lotion from bath and body works ah man there was something in that bag how do we know jesse's ass is hairless because that's how it got so soft it's baby soft okay and it's not hairless it has those little tiny almost invisible hairs those little like a baby bunny rabbit oh god bless silly other thank you namaste i greet the god

within you number one kimberly number one number one store in the mall it's all been building up to this we've already heard about some fast fashion. My number one. Yeah. Jordan, do you have a prediction here? What's your prediction? I'm excited. What do you think it is? Okay.

Well, first, can I predict the food thing that you were going to say? What was I going to say, Jordan? Styrofoam container Chinese food place where you can get half fried rice and half noodles. No, babe. Ah, fuck. No. Really? foam container chinese food place where you can get half fried rice and half noodles no babe no i was gonna say wetzel's pretzels oh yeah too sweet pretzels are too sweet for me for real yeah wetzel's pretzels the pretzels are too sweet and pretzel annies or whatever it's called you got to get the nugs you got to get the nugs. You got to get the nugs. Just a plain pretzel is too sweet for you? Just the plain ones with salt on it.

It's too sweet. I don't. Really? It's too sweet of a bread for me. It's just how I feel. I'm not afraid of hurting people. Even Wetzel? Have you had a soft pretzel that wasn't sweet, Jesse?

Yeah. Did somebody get it right? Yeah. The entire state it right? Yeah. The entire state of Pennsylvania. Oh, my God. These people are on pretzels like stink on shit. These people know pretzels. Okay.

Number one store at the mall is Cost Plus World Market. Whoa. This is great. See? This why kim clark comes on the show because that is something i never would have guessed i never would have come up with it my if you would ask me what's your top four stores in the mall at the end i would have been i would have been i don't know lids but when i hear you say this, Kim, I'll tell you what I know. I know that it's true. That is the best store in the entire mall.

Hell yeah. Even if there's a Nordstrom's or some shit. Oh my God. Trump's it. Can you talk through your reasoning, Kim? Why is it? Why is it number one? Listen, the thing is the mall hasn't really changed that much since we were

kids to be honest more anime stuff now i guess yeah there's a little more of that going on but it really hasn't changed and to me world market they have one in the mall in Burbank. So my choices are based on the mall that's close to me. Kimberly, if we've established anything on this show over the years, it's that Kim Clark knows Burbank. Oh, I know Burbank. Yes, I do. And World Market is just so much fun. Even if you don't buy anything, looking at baskets, pillows, it's just. It is a fun place to like cruise around and kill 15 minutes. Oh, I can kill 30 minutes in there easily.

I'm impressed. I could kill a child who's strayed too far from his or her parents. Just see. With just the pillows that they have there. I could kill a child who's strayed too far from his or her parents. Jesse. With just the pillows that they have there. Like those giant floor pillows. Yeah. You know what I mean? Smack them with a $25 bottle of olive oil.

Hilarious. The thing about Cost Plus is not just that they sell baskets, which they do. And I'm glad you brought up baskets, Kimberly. It's that they'll make anything out of baskets. So if you need a basket to put your olive oil bottle in, that's the size and shape of an olive oil bottle. They got it. They have that basket. If you want a chair basket, they have that basket.

If you want a bed made out of basket, they have that basket if you want a bed made out of basket they have that basket they got this is an entire store built on the premise that everyone should have one of those huey p newton chairs you know one of those big top regular bottom made out of basket chairs big round top you know this kind of chair right jordan the wicker chairs i'm picturing the chair right now i got my couch at cost plus that's what i'm talking about i mean to me it's nice you know the price points are not ridiculous. I feel like. Surprisingly affordable. The quality is good. You know, it's like you're not, it's not Ikea. It's not Ikea.

It's a step up. Definitely a step up. Yeah, I could go on and on about cost plus, man. Let me throw this out there about cost plus world imports. if you don't need furniture which you know on a day-to-day basis do do any of us need furniture we probably have the furniture we need so if you don't on that day happen to need furniture everybody needs some fucking weird jelly beans or whatever. Thank you. Sure. Some Canadian maple, whatever the fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. I want that. What do Scandinavians put on ice cream? I don't know, but they have it there. And I'll, I'll buy that shit.

Bring it to the white elephant. Somebody is going to be very happy. Look, if you missing, if you missing them cookies from Delta airlines, you could buy them at Cost Plus. You can pretend like you're flying Delta. Any goddamn airplane

you can get on, those cookies are available at Cost Plus. That's part of the brand promise. Thank you. I never felt this way about Pier 1. You remember Pier 1? I do. It just never hit like Cost Plus did. It walked so Cost Plus could run yeah and for that we thank it for laying the groundwork for what would become cost plus a great place for me to

get my couch pure one namaste oh hey this is a cool episode that one of our favorites of the year we always say we gotta for our first you know proper ep of the year we gotta have a fan favorite guest we got him kimberly clark that's who i'm talking about but also it's exciting because we pick a slogan for the year we kind of talk about the you know the goals we have for the new year, the energy we're bringing to the new year. And we try and find a slogan that encapsulates that, that can inspire the listenership. And it's important work. It's important work from an important podcast. And it's not something we take lightly, but we're here to do this because,, people need it. And can I say this,

Jordan? Yes. A lot of people ask me, what is America's most influential podcast? Right. And I say, every time I say Jordan, Jesse go, because if they knew the real answer, they wouldn't have been asking me. So as long as I'm in sneak mode. Right. If I wear my amulet of haggling. Yeah, get in there and shake them. Shake them and loot the body. Jordan, let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we will give purpose to the world. I would love that. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio,

sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every episode of Jordan, Jesse go brought. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. A Jordan Morris boy detective. Every episode of Jordan, Jesse Goh brought to you by you, the listener, the members of Maximum Fun who've gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, which you should do if you haven't done already. And hey, if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, we are coming to you at San Francisco Sketch Fest.

That's going to be February 5th, 8 p.m., the Gateway Theater. I'm so excited about this, Jordan. I'll tell you why I'm excited. I love the Gateway Theater. Beautiful. We've performed there many times over the course of many names, and it really speaks to the consistency with which our audience has not grown over the last 15 years. We were playing there when it was the Pets.com theater, when it was the crystal Pepsi theater. It really is an awesome place to see that, to see a show. It is like the classic original sketch fest venue. I love being there. It reminds me of my days when I

tended the bar there, when I pulled the corks out of bottles of two buck chuck and poured them for people in a donations only context before they got busted by the liquor law people. Great time. That, that theater, Jordan, the time I was the volunteer coordinator of sketch fest and this guy who was working for me, one of the volunteers volunteered a bunch of shows. He kept telling me, I recognize you from somewhere. And I was like, oh, I'm in prank the Dean. One of the, I performed at the festival a few times. He says, no, that's not it. That's not it. Like maybe the third, fourth show that he came and volunteered. He's like, I figured it out. I interned at an ad agency last summer and I spent the whole summer looking at your deck. This is your famous nude local commercial?

Local commercial. National commercial. Local. No, there's no residuals involved in this. Just $300. I know you've been in two commercials. This one and the one where you were chasing the Rabbids, right? I was thinking maybe this was the Rabbids one.

No, this was the one for the Expressions College of Art and Design in Emeryville, California. Anyway, that guy had just been looking at my deck. He felt it was appropriate to bring it up. They blurred it out in the commercial. Yeah, this isn't some sort of X-rated commercial. No. I mean... That airs in France or something.

Was I too messing? You can't even tell because of the blurring. You can see which way the pink is pointing. Stitch Fix, also a supporter of Jordan Jesse Go. Stitch Fix is the easiest way to find styles that you will love for the new year. New year, Jordan. New you with our friends at Stitch Fix. Yes. Here's what you do. You go to stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. You take a cool style quiz. You tell them what you like. You tell them

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Right now, Stitch Fix is offering our listeners $20 off their first fix at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo for $20 off today. stitchfix.com slash jjgo. And can I make a suggestion for folks coming out to our San Francisco Sketch Fest show? Yeah, please. This is a suggestion related to our next sponsor. Why not try microdosing on your way in? Yeah. Or any size of dose you want.

But a microdose might take the edge off a little bit, might make you feel nice without having to feel like you're going to miss some of my rapid fire references to various San Francisco shit, specifically and exclusively Star Trek IV The Voyage Home. So here's what microdose gummies deliver to you. A perfect entry-level dose of THC that helps you feel just the right amount of good. I've had these LumiLabs microdose gummies. Jesse, you've had them too, right? Yeah, absolutely. I have them in the evening when I want to relax and read The New Yorker and then go to bed. Oof, that's a great time to have these LumiLabs microdose gummies. I also enjoy an evening

dance with Lady M, an evening waltz with Madam Microdose. Yeah, it's really good. I've definitely had edibles in the past that were of a dose that was not clear. And those can be not great experiences. On the label, the next dose, it said UNC dot unc in red pen, like a high school English teacher. These LumiLabs microdose gummies really just give you a nice little bit of chill. They're great for unwinding. They're great for creative work. Perfect to have at the end of the day. And hey, microdose is available nationwide. To learn more about microdosing THC, go to microdose.com and use code JJGO to get free shipping and 30% off your first order. Links can be found in the show description. But again, that's microdose.com, code JJGO. We'll be back in just aose.com, code JJGO.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Kimberly Clark, car 19. Now, where are you? That was my aunt's. My aunt used to be a taxi cab driver in West Palm Beach, Florida, and she was car 19. And I have COVID-19 right now.

What a lovely tribute to both your aunt and that deplorable pandemic. Two queens. Your aunt and COVID-19. Listen, I'm trying to, you know, make lemonade out of lemons.

Can I just say, Kim's aunt and COVID-19 namaste. I greet the God within you. Each of you. Okay, so Can I just say, Kim's aunt and COVID-19, namaste. Namaste. I greet the God within you, each of you. Okay, so it's 2023 now. We just had the holiday New Year's. That means it's a new year.

The calendar has ticked one forward. And we're all about, on Jordan, Jesse, go, giving people purpose through a meaningful slogan that they can use throughout the year as a mantra. A lot of our listeners get this tattooed on their bodies. Yes. Even the intimate parts of their bodies. Talking about those smooth rumps, those smooth Jesse Thorne style rumps. And I don't think there has ever been a year that we have needed more to bring purpose to the world. I think there are many people out there who feel like they are flailing. They have been through this horrific trauma.

Yes. They're emerging from it, but they have forgotten who they are and what their purpose is. And we're here to tell them what their new purpose is and who they are now. I'm really excited about this. I know you're really excited about this. Kim, pretend to be excited about this. I am. Okay, great.

We're all excited. I need to hear this. Now, Jordan, you shared some links in our chat that you said would inform this conversation. Yeah, I had some thoughts about the year's slogan. As loyal listeners know, I have become very into the wit and wisdom of Mr. Matthew McConaughey. Now, his acting, don't care for it. A little flashy for me. But I think that as a thinker.

And to some extent as a stinker. As a stinker and a drinker. He's really expanded my mind. I think it all started when our buddy Allison Becker suggested I read his memoir, Greenlights. I did. And it's really amazing. It's proof of what confidence can do, how important confidence is. And that if you are just confident and you stride around the world like you know what you're doing, then people don't care that what you're saying does not make sense. Right. And I think Matthew McConaughey is living proof of this. And he's been very inspiring to me. And I just wanted to just, before I suggest my slogan, just share a new piece of McConaughey

media. It's there in the chat. It's a YouTube video. It should be queued up to the moment. This is a music video he made for Texas A&M basketball, I i think i think this is the university of texas maybe you might be right jesse he's big into texas college sports i just want everybody to just just let's get a taste of this just you know to to help this is spice for my point it's our soul to bear because what we got is so rare You see, we are living proof Here to raise the roof While it all dries up Be a dog, not a pup Drop your cane, shake your mane

Swash your wane, smoke a sprain It's time to staff up our games Ain't no more passing the flames We gotta play through the pain So we can make our gains It's time to drive our lanes It's time to make it rain time to make no doubt if they remember our name so we look around you go on and share a howdy

we gonna have to get around okay i think i think i think you get a sense what is your vision jordan mm-hmm now as we see the video yeah matthew mcconaughey who I think we can agree looks every bit as gorgeous as he did 20 or 25 years ago amen only

now his beautiful hair starts at the center of his head so as a bald man

I feel comfortable saying this yeah he has a gorgeous head of hair it's just the first hairs are at the median point right at the

apex of his crown so but otherwise looks exactly the same this guy looks gorgeous yeah he's in a recording studio he's surrounded by a gospel choir so i hope not i hope they pre-recorded that there is a moment in this video where it's it's it's a kind of an in the studio video. He's wearing a white suit. He looks like kind of a, you know, tent revival preacher, I think is the vibe he's going for. And yeah, he's surrounded by musicians, including a gospel choir. And I swear there's a moment where they cut to the gospel choir and you could just see this look on their faces that says, fine. Who's this? Okay.

All right. Okay. I'll tell you what it says here in the description of the video, Jordan. Hashtag Matthew McConaughey. Hashtag Texas Longhorns. Hashtag Texas. Hashtag Texas. Hashtag Texas. I mean, you know as well as I do, Jordan.

Hook them horns. Hook them horns. The full text description that's not just a list of Texas hashtags, University of Texas hashtags, including hashtag Moody Center, in case you're wondering where they play right it says cool church hashtag bless the mood i think the name of the song is also bless the mood mood must be the nickname for the the moody center oh you might be right so yeah so just the fact that he thought that this was a good idea and it happened and he made it happen and he just you know may i may i ask something you may

yes i'm a little disturbed that you don't like his acting you didn't like dallas byers club no i do i i do i do think he's a good actor. I think he's great in Dallas Buyers Club. I think he, you know, earned his Oscar. You know, you just said he was flashy, though. He's too flashy. Yeah, I guess. Jordan, can I interject here? I also heard you say that you weren't as big a fan of his acting and that you thought it

was flashy. Flashy. You're right. I was trying to set up the bit in a funny way so i do think he's a good actor here's my concern jordan i think we can all agree except for you that he's a really excellent actor i think he's a good actor i was just trying to be like one person here seems to think he's flashy. It's trying to say things in a funny way.

I feel like he's barefoot all the time. This man is very grounded. Yes. This guy is constantly touching grass. He's so close to the earth because he doesn't wear shoes. Yes. Even when the character would be wearing shoes, he's not. He is an agent for change and love through sport.

It needs that. Remember when sport did that? And yes, I am recognizing the ones that do that now. LeBron, et cetera. Great job, okay symbol. I'm just quoting from my personal hero, Kelly Harper 8072, in her comment on the video. So this is the McConaughey energy that I want to take into the new year. I don't care if this is a good idea.

I don't care if I'm good at this. I'm just going to do it. 10 out of 10, full enthusiasm. And that led me to thinking about a tweet that we had talked about on the show from him a couple weeks back. This is the tweet. Took me exactly 53 trips around the sun to realize that right now I'm as young as I'll ever be and as old as I've ever been. Here in the honey hole between already and not yet. Amen.

So my suggestion for this year's slogan, take it to the honey hole. Can I say this, Jordan? You may. I want to say this. No matter what slogan we pick, if you're listening to this show, I expect you to get it tattooed in your honey hole.

Yeah. Kim, can I ask you about your, what you're looking to bring into the new year? Do you do resolutions? Do you do like self-improvement type stuff? I don't try to do anything too drastic, Jordan.

Because I feel like when you do drastic stuff, you know, you're setting yourself up for failure. So my attitude is always, you know, just be a little bit better. You know what I mean? I like that. Just better adjustments in all areas. You know what I'm saying? Just replace your toothbrush a little bit more often. Yeah, stuff like that. Just better adjustments in all areas. You know what I'm saying? Just replace your toothbrush a little bit more often. Yeah, stuff like that.

You know, floss every day. Don't let it get so gross. Yeah. Jordan, you're not the only one with a personal lifestyle guru who expresses their gurudom through the medium of sports hype videos. My personal lifestyle guru is a rapper named Glorilla. lifestyle guru is a rapper named Glorilla. And she did a hype video for the Memphis Grizzlies basketball club that I'm going to have Daniel play just a little bit of. Thank you.

Listen, everything we do here is big, big expectations, big noise, and big swag. Hey camera, come look over here. Look at all this ice beside me. Try us if you want.

You better not play me. I got my black shorts on, too. Because sure as hell, you know we could really see. No running in the hell, man. We climb up the chimney. So this season, for the 901, what's understood, don't. We got to be explaining. As for the rest of y'all, you about to find out,

that's Big Memphis on the gun so first of all this has inspired me to be furless on gang I hadn't this video came out I think a few months before the beginning of the NBA season and I had not heard at the time Glorilla's smash hit single FNF. Parentheses, let's go. Excellent song. When I saw this video and saw Glorilla promoting the Memphis Grizzlies, I said, this is the fucking greatest lady I've ever seen in my life. This is literally maybe the coolest person I've ever seen.

And I typed her name into YouTube so I could hear some of her rap songs. And I came upon the song FNF, Let's Go. And FNF stands for fuck and free. So to be free of riffraff you know and the video kim have you seen the have you seen the video for this song yes i have how would you characterize it um and i'm gonna preface your characterization by saying i think it's the greatest music video I've ever seen it definitely looks homemade when you first look at it you're just like oh you know who's little cousins and who these little girls that decide to shoot a little video outside my home

girl sent it to me actually when it first came out and i was like this is catchy it's a real catchy it's a bop okay but you're supposed to be characterizing the video look we all know the song is great characterize the video it's some ladies it's all ladies yes and they are celebrating being you know free from the male company that has been bringing them down yes and not bringing them what they want and what they need and they're doing it jordan there's about 10 of them they open up by doing a chant together and then they spread out to act fun. They're all holding different drinks. Now, these are drug drinks. Yeah.

I'm not here to tell you that they're not drinking drugs. Yeah, there's nothing healthy being promoted in this video. Possibly strong, well-groomed hair. Like, they really take care of their hair, these ladies. Baby hairs are on fleek in this video, for sure. Astonishing. Some of the best I've ever seen in my life. Truly extraordinary.

Yes, edge control. Yes. I would say, and I mean, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you can speak. My favorite lady is the pregnant lady in the halter top. She's incredible. She's an incredible lady. She fucking inspires the shit out of me.

And for me, 2023 is all about, for the last few years, as you know, Jordan, I've dedicated a lot of energy to taking care of my family. a lot of energy to taking care of my family. And now I'm just like, I'm not saying that my family are riffraff, but I'm saying the spirit of celebrating, taking on the world authentically is what I want here. And I queued up a part of this song

that Daniel's going to share. And Kim, you already know this song, but Jordan, this is really going to be a revelation for you, I think. Anyway, life's great, but still good. Still eating cake, wishing it a bitch. Got my foot up on they neck as a bitch. So this verse really inspired me. First of all, I love to eat cake.

Great dessert. What kind of cake? Oh for me for me it's got to be a german chocolate cake of course okay like the little coconut in there all right that's a great cake i feel you but i mean metaphorically i'm still eating cake kim top cake kim top cake i would say a simple pound cake wow have you guys ever had a butter cake that is a great cake come on i'm changing mine to butter cake come on with the like crackly outside that is a good cake that's in the pound cake family yes yeah that's true cakes these are similar cakes you could put some berries on top of either that's a great idea if you want you don't have to you know what i think putting cherries on top would be the cherry on top of either. That's a great idea, Jordan. If you want. You don't have to. You know what?

I think putting cherries on top would be the cherry on top of that cake. Jesse, hilarious. Thank you. Jesse, that was great. This is why I'm here. Jordan, you make the jokes. I'll say stuff. I don't know that I've made any jokes.

What is the thing about the propeller in the butt? Call that a joke. You know what? An observation. If you're looking to make your 2023 special, just get a propeller tattooed on your butt. Sure. Pretend it makes you go faster in the pool. I don't care.

I was thinking about what from this song is the most inspirational to me because the refrain is obviously let's go and it's great absolutely you know this stuff about romantic relationships doesn't i don't feel connected facts i've been with my beautiful wife theresa for a long time and she's anything but a fuck lady She's a wonderful woman who adds so much to my life. So that was out. Beautiful. My initial thought was that maybe I would say still eating cake. Because obviously it's a beautiful metaphor.

Yeah. Because we all love cake. i know some people like pie better you know i don't necessarily know what it means in the context of the song even i don't know if that's slang for something that i don't know about because i'm old so i push that aside could it be the human butt? Yeah, that seems very possible. I've heard of the butt referred to as cakes. Yeah. So you're talking about eating like baby cakes. Not a baby's cakes.

No, no, no. But baby, like, hey, baby cakes, talking about the butt. Yeah. My next thought is something about having my feet on their necks because, because it'd be obviously should your enemies. Yeah. And Jordan, like based on your experience, knowing me 20 some years. Yeah. How do you think I feel about my enemies? Not a fan. Yeah. Contempt. Yeah. attempt. Yeah. But at the end of the day, the piece of this that inspires me, the metaphor that I want to carry forth. And I think this is especially true for me as I'm, you know, Jordan, you recently entered your forties. I've been living in my forties for a year, year and a half. Pussy's still good. Love it. Like I feel like my pussy is still good yes beautiful i feel like jordan your pussy is fucking tremendous thank you thank you i think the listeners out there who are

listening right now i'll say even if their pussy isn't good I think this is going to inspire them to have an incredible pussy in 2023. Sure. Yes. It's definitely an affirming song. It's definitely, if you are down, that is a good song to listen to. And you know what? That's on gang.

I love it. I'm all for it. 2023. Pussy's still good. Pussy's still good. Because look, we're all getting older. We've all been through a lot. Had a's still good. Pussy's still good. Because, look, we're all getting older. We've all been through a lot. Had a couple of kids.

Exactly. Whatever form those kids took. Yes. Right? But at the end of the day, you, me, Kim, Daniel, everyone who's listening, we can all do our kegels. Sure. And besides that, who's listening we can all do our kegels sure and besides that who's complaining okay anybody who's complaining later for you turkey okay because this pussy is still good this pussy is fucking great this is top tier this shit right here this is fucking cost plus world imports pussy right

and people gotta know they gotta know you know she did a remix with cardi b too of this song she did and i can't speak to the quality of Cardi B's pussy. We'll see. You know, she'll let us know. Wait, this is great. Call in. Let us know. This is great. I'm inspired. It's going to be the best year of our lives. What a treat. Can I just tell people out there too, if you need to juice your pussy a little bit, like you need to get take it to the next level you need some inspiration i can't recommend enough this video of glorilla on a british radio show finding out that foxes are real she thought foxes were some shit from a story this lady is talking about other stuff and has

to like go back this woman's a great host but she doesn't have the presence of mind to really get into glorilla pointing out that she thought foxes were just from stories that would have been the whole interview for me that's believing in something yeah so this is uh yeah this is kind of exciting we're going to do the first installment of a segment we were talking about old ass email addresses we were wondering what the oldest ass email address we could get was and our producer daniel zafran made us, made us an AOL email address. That's right. Daniel, what's that address?

Where can people email us on America Online? jordanjessegoe at AOL.com. Beautiful. So yeah, so just wait till that commercial with Snoop Dogg comes on. Find out where you can get a disc with 50 free hours. Send away for that disc. It's going to come in the mail. Then you email us.

My only feedback on this email address, Daniel, and I know it's not your quarterly review yet. My only feedback is it does not have the birth year in it. So I would recommend in the future, JordanJesseGo2007 at AOL.com. Or just a good old 69. Let's, you know, why? We don't need to zhuzh it up anymore. Just a good old 69. Just put 69 in there.

So what we are asking is that our listeners email us at that address with some shameful moments from the early internet to the internet. It's been around for a while now. People have been acting like dopes on it since its inception. Kim, before we read today's letter, do you remember the first batch of things you did once the internet was available to you? I remember Googling a lot about Grant Hill

because I had such a huge crush on him. What'd you find out? Oh, my God. Just... You love Sprite? Everything about him, that he played piano and, you know, his stats. He was very injury prone. All the good ones are.

All the good ones are injury prone. But he was such a good guy, you know? I was like, Grant Hill is such a good guy. know i was like grant hill is such a good guy it's all the sprite kim would you say that you like the sprite in him yes i did so these are all anonymous that's part of the appeal you can email us anonymously with your moment of shame and here's the first one out of the gate when i was in middle school a friend told me about a website where someone had posted a bunch of pictures of people flashing the camera on splash mountain my local library had internet so i went to check it out i printed out a picture of a lass showing her boobs to the world before i

realized the printer was beside the counter for some reason i went and asked for it anyway the woman running the counter seemed very disappointed with the 12-year-old asking for a grainy, black-and-white picture, but she gave it to me anyway. That's why librarians are so important. That's why libraries are so important.

Find your local libraries, because without these libraries, 12-year-olds wouldn't be able to print out photographs of low-res JPEGs, low-res TIFFs out photographs of low res jpegs low res tiffs of people flashing the camera on magic mountain what's your jordan yeah what are your top three flumes to flash oh boy well if i'm if i'm hanging brain on a log flume. Right. Listen, once they redesign Splash Mountain and get rid of all the problematic stuff from a different time,

then maybe I'll hang dong when we go over the edge. In the meantime, you're just going to have to zip it down and pull it out over there at the Country Bear Jamboree. I think that's gone, too. Really? So you can't show your dick to the bears anymore? No, uh-uh. Wow. They really are anti-fan.

A lot of Disney heads have said that the company has turned anti-fan because of the annual past debacle, raising prices, getting rid of certain, you know, you got to pay more to cut the line, that kind of thing yeah i haven't even heard one of these people with the all their family wears the same t-shirt even address the fact that you can't show the country bears your junk anymore yeah if i'm whipping it out i'm going over to knott's berry farm they're in buena park to ride on the timber mountain log ride oh yeah baby that's where a fan can whip it out. And you can have some of that famous fried chicken.

Yeah. Take home a jar of jelly. That's a great day. Boysenberry, yeah. Boysenberry, yes. With a crank like yours, anybody who's your rival would call that not scary farm. That's true.

Look out, right? That makes sense. Did all the pieces of that fit together i don't know my rivals are afraid of my penis sure i feel so bad for this person that like took the effort to like print out this picture when there's like dozens of art books in that library with a lot of naked people in them. Way better boobs. That's a great point. Better resolution.

I mean. This guy could go to any Borders or Barnes and Noble in America in 1998 by one photography magazine. Yes. All those photography magazines were crypto pornography every single one of them totally me i love to check out a big coffee table book of the work of georgia o'keefe yeah well pussy's still strong exactly we're talking about pussy still strong we got to talk about georgia o'keefe yes we must our queen that pussy's been strong for a hundred fucking years a true desert flower well if you have some early internet shame you wouldn't mind sharing with us jordan jesse go at aol.com we'll be back for more j Does It Go. Wait, what's happening? Stories like how Jameela Jamil survived a horrific house party and she was on crutches.

This is great. Or how Hal Lublin learned a Shakespearean monologue in his pajamas. This is not the speech we approve. Without your love and life tragedies, there would be no podcast. In fact, I'll have an exclusive look at how Maggie Lawson's mom confronted her after a sneaky basement meetup with her crush. Spill the tea, JV. Security. Listen to The JV Club with Janet Varney, Thursdays on Maximum Fun!

Class of... Forever! Hey, that's Ben. And that's Adam. And together we host a show called Greatest Trek on Maximum Fun that covers all of the new Star Trek shows. Lower Decks, Strange New Worlds, Picard, Prodigy, Discovery, and any other Star Trek show Paramount throws at us.

Come check it out for our funny and formative recaps of all the new stuff the Star Trek Industrial Complex churns out. It's in your podcatcher every Tuesday. Subscribe to Greatest Trek. It's a new Starcatcher every Tuesday. Subscribe to Greatest Trek. It's a new Star Trek podcast from the makers of The Greatest Generation. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Kimberly Clark. Comedian. Daughter. You know what. Sister. Thank you. Thank you, Kim. Thank you. You contain multitudes, as't we all have daughters and sisters, you know, and that's reason enough to not be a misogynist. Cause what if a misogynist was misogynist to someone that you know, and not just human beings who deserve dignity. That part. Yes. And I used to be an incel until I realized that I could be nutting for all of November. I could be nutting throughout November. Oh my God.

Can I tell you something? Yes. I used to not be an incel. And then they got rid of the country bear jamboree. Where are you going to whip it out? Yeah. Okay. For the boys at the Golden Horseshoe.

Playing those good old country hits. Kim, you got a stand-up comedy show coming up at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Los Angeles. I do. What is that? I do. It's Tuesday, January 24th, 7 p.m. I should be COVID clear by then.

But if not, eh, come on. Wear a mask. Just wear a a mask and just put it on when I hit the stage. Put it on when I hit the stage, please. If you're not within shouting distance of Southern California, you're not within Kimberly's COVID radius. I really do think if you got Netflix, fire that up, open up Tiffany Haddish's They Ready and watch Kim's set

because it is one of the best 15 minutes of TV I've watched in the last year or two. It's so, so fucking funny. Thank you guys. Really nice of you to say. Kim's one of the best. And you know what? I think we got to spike those numbers.

You know what I mean? Because I'll tell you this about that set, Jordan. It's been up for a year or so, but pussy's still strong. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Our producer is Daniel Zafran. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on AOL by emailing jordanjessigo at aol.com. on Twitter at JordanJesseGo,

on Facebook at facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. We're on Instagram at JordanDavidMorris and at put.this.on. And you can find us on the web at MaximumFun.org. As always and as ever, if you're in the Bay Area, we will see you at San Francisco Sketch Fest in a few weeks. Get your tickets right now. Yeah, because we booked a fucking kid in the hall. Yeah, Kevin McDonald's gonna be our

guest at sf sketch fest and we got some more surprises brewing too but that's enough you don't need us to come up with other shit because fucking kevin mcdonald's gonna be there that guy's in the fucking kids in the hall yeah yeah okay so sf sketchfest.com. Get those tickets. What do you want us to book a Monty Python? They're all either retired or racist now. Yes. They're dead, racist, or problematic now. So we can't. Michael Palin's just retired. Yeah. So that is February 5th, sfsketchfest.com 8pm the Gateway Theater we're going to have a blast get those tickets now Jordan you think I'm not going to say

some San Francisco shit at that I'm going to say like 7 San Francisco things people are going to be crying when I talk about when bus drivers used to wear berets it will be like all the other episodes of Jordan Jesse Go we will not miss a beat February 6th we'll be playing

over there at the verdugo aquatic center we'll talk to you next time on jordan jesse go i'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you.