Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Bubble by Jordan Morris

Episode Date: April 28, 2017

Morgan and her friends live in Fairhaven, a Brooklyn-esque Silverlake-y hipster paradise where trust fund kids go to be lightly employed and follow their dreams, or whatever. PROS: Great coffee, burgeoning art scene, artisanal vape shops. CONS: Separated from the outside world by a man-made bubble, murderous beasts from the outside are slowly invading, long waits for brunch. Cast: Alison Becker Eliza Skinner Mike Mitchell Robin Thede Ian Wolterstorff Taylor Orci

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's me, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And me, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, boy, have we got a treat for you. Not for you, Jordan. No. For you, this represents a huge amount of very hard work.

Sure. But hopefully they regard it as a delicious sweetie. Yeah, I mean, it's like if you're Superman and you get a lump of coal and you press it into a diamond, you're going to give that to Lois Lane. Sure. I mean, you get as many diamonds as you want. For you, it's no big deal. Or, you know what? He could give it to Jimmy Olsen.

I'd love it. If he wanted to, he could give it to Jimmy Olsen. I'd ship that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Ship him. Soups and jails? Oh, yeah. It's going to be hot. Okay, wait. Soups and jails? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's going to be hot. Okay, wait.

We have something really special for you. Yes. So a few weeks ago, Jordan, you got together an all-star cast and crew for a staged reading of a pilot that you wrote. Yes. So, yeah, I wrote a television pilot. It's called Bubble. I think it's a fun, fun sci fi comedy. I think if if people are fans of of your Buffy's The Vampire Slayers and maybe a more contemporary example is Search Party, a show that I really, really loved from last year. be up your alley. So this is not our normal show. If for some reason you're tuning into this for the first time wanting to try out the show, go one back or one ahead. This is just a special nug.

Yeah. I mean, if you like this, I don't know, I guess subscribe to Dead Pilots aside. Yeah, that's actually similar. So yeah. But yeah, if you're a fan of the show and want to know a little bit more about the stuff I do that's not this show, this is a pilot that I wrote. And we did a stage reading at the Nerdist School in Hollywood, basically with all of our favorite past Jordan Jesse Go guests. Mike Mitchell. Mike Mitchell. Alison Becker. Alison Becker.

Eliza Skinner. Oh, Eliza Skinner is so wonderful Eliza Skinner is great in it Robin Thede also great in this and a couple other friends of the program who I don't think you've heard on yet Taylor Orsi and Ian Wolterstorff yeah and I think it's really fun and funny even if you are not an

entertainment industry mover and shaker I would still like for you to listen to this and laugh at the jokes and their great performances. And I hope you like it. Yeah. So here we go to the tape. Here's Jordan's new pilot. It's called bubble.

Bubble written by Jordan Morris, cold open interior apartment, early morning, close on cell phone alarm going off 7am. It's smacked off by Morgan, 28. She slips on running shoes, a tattered band t-shirt, and a truly hideous vintage fanny pack.

She exits into the living room where her roommate Annie, 30, is passed out on the couch next to an unidentified someone or someone's. She whisper yells to Morgan. Morgan, when you come back, bring coffee and breakfast burritos and a melon, not honeydew, and a garlic press and one of those stick-on hooks for kitties.

Nope, get your own food and hooks. Exterior, City Street, continuous. Morgan does a quick stretch and pops in earbuds. Sleater-Kinney's all-hands-on-the-bad-one starts to play. Morgan begins her morning run across her picturesque urban paradise underneath a beautiful blue sky. She jogs past every kind of hipster archetype. Guys with huge lumberjack beards and women dressed like 80s break dancers all brunch and vape and walk shelter dogs and poke their fun. Morgan hangs a left into a beautiful city park. She looks up and notices a huge guard tower complete with snipers.

This is our first sign that things are weird. The sniper in the tower gives a casual wave. Morgan waves back, business as usual. A douchey jogger starts jogging next to her. Hey, a nice fanny pack. You know, a fanny is what British people call the... He points to his crotch and laughs a little too. The lady privates.

Oh, sorry, I can't hear you. I have earbuds in. Well, take them out. Oh, these actually don't come out. It's inconvenient, but the plus side is I don't have to hear strangers' terrible vagina jokes. She takes a sharp turn off the path, past some do-not-enter signs, and into the underbrush.

The douche follows hey wait up i just thought it'd be fun to talk while we jog before he can finish his sentence a reptilian monster erupts out of nowhere and latches onto his face it's about the size of a monkey and has long bat-like wings he and it both shriek morgan tears open her fanny pack and produces a dagger made of what looks like bone she looks down at her phone and changes the song to Slayer's Angel of Death. She smiles just a bit. This'll be fun. She shoulder checks the creature off the jogger, then dodges its teeth, claws, and tail, getting in a shank with her dagger after every dodge.

She catches it under the chin and it slumps over, dead. Exhausted, she plops down on the ground next to the jogger. She puts her dagger back in the fanny pack, pulls out a chapstick and applies it. Hey, thanks for that. Hey, you should let me take you to brunch. I know this great little place that's not a total scene on the weekends. Without looking, without looking, Morgan punches him out. We pull upwards, out of the park, revealing a Brooklyn-esque city skyline with a billboard to read,

Welcome to Fairhaven. We pull out further past the beautiful blue sky that's revealed to be projected onto the screens when one of them starts to flicker. We pull farther out to reveal that everything we've seen has taken place in a giant bubble surrounded by jungle and a dark red sky. Title, bubble.

End of cold open. Interior, Morgan's bathroom. Later. Morgan has the creature strung up over her bathtub. She's skinning it and letting its orangish blood drip into a bucket. Annie stands in the entrance, eating a breakfast burrito, watching nonchalantly. Thanks for getting this. I didn't think you were going to. Oh, no sweat. What kind of roommate would I be if I didn't provide the grease you needed to destroy your hangover? Morgan rips

the monster's skin off with one swift motion. Blood pours into the bucket. Yeah, it's doing that thing where the cheese is all in one big deposit. It should be spread out over more like the length of the burrito, but that's not your fault. I mean, I could have mentioned it to them to make sure to distribute the cheese. Yeah, I guess you could have. Hey, make sure to clean up the tub. I might need to take a shower today.

Don't give me that. You've been wearing the same pair of track pants since Tuesday. They still have the size clean up the tub. I might need to take a shower today. Don't give me that. You've been wearing the same pair of track pants since Tuesday. They still have the size sticker on the leg. Annie looks down. They do. Well, still, I was thinking today might be the day. Morgan hands Annie the bucket that's been collecting the blood. Okay, I'll clean the bathroom.

You find some of your junkies and pawn this off on them. Okay, first of all, don't call my customers junkies. They're simple scumbags. Second, this stuff needs to undergo sophisticated processing before it can go to those scumbags without getting those scumbags properly fucked up without killing them. Oh, my apologies to the scumbag community.

Just as she's saying this, the monster rears to life with a shriek, and he screams and tosses the burrito at it. Morgan grabs the removable shower head and gives it three good whacks. It slumps over. Annie peers into the tub. Shit, I shouldn't have done that.

The last bite looks like it has a massive cheese deposit. Don't eat it. I wasn't going to. Interior, fancy bar, evening. Mitch, 30, sidles up to a well-dressed woman at the bar. Love this place. After a long day, these cocktails are very necessary. The woman isn't impressed, but decides to play along.

Oh, what do you spend your long days doing? Right now, just like lots of projects. Mostly in the app space. Disrupting social media. It's kind of where everything is going these days. Couldn't agree more. The internet's never been bigger. I just want whatever I'm doing to make people's lives better. Whether it's in the

app space or the poetry space or some other space that we haven't even thought of yet. Like robot maids. As he's saying this, the bartender approaches with a takeout bag. Hey, you the Postmates guy? Here's the order.

Please make sure those assholes see that we included the extra Parmesan this time. I don't need them calling here. The woman looks at Mitch. Driving food around for Postmates, huh? Technically in the app space. You got me there. Hey, after I drop this off, I can come back and buy you a drink.

Please don't. Okay. Exterior ritzy neighborhood, night. Mitch climbs a flight of stairs up to a beautiful brownstone and rings the door. Chad, 30, answers. A party is going on in the apartment behind him. Mitch recognizes him immediately but stops himself from saying anything.

Postmates, hey, would you stick around until I make sure they included the extra parmesan? Mitch follows him into the beautiful apartment. Hip party guests mill around with cocktails looking terrific. Mitch quickly buttons his flannel. Food's here! Everybody eat up, even if you're out of cleanse.

We're all going to need our strength for later. Chad recognizes Mitch. Holy shit. Mitch Murray? Chad Donaldson, we both went to Fairhaven U. Mitch was hoping this wasn't going to happen. Chad is clearly doing great, and he's not.

Oh yeah,, buddy. This fly motherfucker used to make a cocktail out of Dayquil and Miller High Life and serve it out of a kiddie pool on his balcony. Mitch puzzles for a second. Chad clearly has the wrong guy. No, that wasn't me. Wait, it wasn't? Huh.

Well, what did you do? I had some LAN parties. Like where everyone hooks up their computers in the same room to play games. I had a mini fridge, so we had sodas and cold Snickers and stuff. Did you ever come to any of those? No, man. I didn't. Oh. Well, maybe you did and just forgot. Awkward silence.

So, uh, what are you up to now? Well, uh, driving for Postmates and some other stuff in the app space. It's cool because you can make your own schedule and do other projects. Cool, like what kind of projects? Just like stuff that's in the brainstorming phases right now. Mitch looks around and notices a silver tray covered with knives, saws, and other dangerous-looking implements sitting casually next to the finger foods. He tries not to look shocked. Well, I'm doing the entertainment lawyer thing right now, but I hope it'll be kind of a backdoor into producing. Hey guys, backdoor.

He makes a fart sound with his mouth and all his guests laugh. Mitch tries to join in. Ah, this is my GF Carla. She has an Etsy store where she sells those Dreamcatcher pendants you probably see around. Hi, thanks so much for the food. That's Chris with a K, like half the people in the city. She works up a tandem.

And that's Brad. That dude gets shit done. What, what? Hey, can you stick around, or do you have to, like, get back to the grind? Mitch is excited, but tries to play it cool. Uh, yeah, I can chill for a little bit. Great, we're actually about to start the cool shit. Grab a cocktail, and let's all head into the basement.

The guests all start to file downstairs. One of them grabs the tray with the sinister implements. Mitch is quietly freaking out. He finally explodes. Hey, before we do this, can I say some stuff about my sexual boundaries real quick? I'm not seeing anyone right now, so I'm totally open to stuff. I think both male and female nudity are beautiful in their own ways. But as far as anything bondage or pain-related goes,

I might have to tap out. I'm told I'm great at cunnilingus. Everyone looks at him baffled. Then they burst into laughter. Check out this fly, motherfucker. He thinks this is a sex thing. Bro, you've been having a little too much of your own day-quill punch. That wasn't me.

I never made that. Dude, tonight's about something way cooler than boning down. Come with us. They descend into the basement. Chained up in the corner is one of the monsters. This one is similar to the one we saw earlier, but covered in thick fur. There are two bloody stumps where its wings used to be. It's clearly sick and dying.

The dude I buy Molly from knows a guy who smuggles him in from the brush. They're tons of fun to fuck up. Wow, never seen one up close before. Chad grabs one of the implements and starts rolling up his sleeve. Ah, they're great for getting your rage out. Plus, it's kind of like a public service because they like

eat crops and pets and shit. Mitch leans in to get a closer look the beast gains a sudden burst of angry energy and swipes at mitch cutting his arm everyone shriek laughs whoa cooter brought us a fighter mitch buddy we can bandage that up for you and you'll get the first crack at this little goblin the beast shrieks and with another burst of strength snaps his chains clean off. Everyone screams for real this time. Mitch's wounds begin to pulse. It's almost like it's reacting to the beast's screams.

The beast skitters up the walls like a spider clawing at the frightened guests. Get upstairs now! The monster reacts to this, almost like he understood. He leaps up and blocks the door. Mitch slowly approaches. Hey man, I know you're freaked out. I don't know how I know that, but we won't.

But we won't hurt you if we can just leave. The monster looks like it's calming down. Just then, Chad grabs one of the knives from the tray and hurls it, missing the monster by a bunch. The monster... The monster roars and its claws rocket out of its hands to twice their size. Mitch's wounds pulse like crazy.

Before the monster can strike, Mitch points his hand and a messy blast of organic goo and bright light fires at the monster and strikes it dead. Everyone is agog. Beat. Okay, I'm headed out to make some more runs uh make sure to rate me five stars exterior city street continuous mitch runs out into the street and finds his illegally parked prius complete with parking ticket he sits inside staring at his arm what the fuck just happened he fires up the prius and starts to drive interior apartment hallway continuous mitch knocks on an apartment door morgan answers hi uh you're annie's roommate

right i'm mitch she and i went on like two two and a half tinder dates earlier this year uh i think i crashed on that couch when we were drunk nothing happened sexually and we kind of just stopped texting i think it was a mutual thing. I just, uh... I just had some crazy stuff happen with an imp from the brush. This guy I went to college with had one, and he didn't remember my mini fridge. Morgan stares at him.

Shit, this is gonna be annoying, isn't it? End of Act 1. Interior, apartment, continuous. Annie sits with a still-shaken Mitch on the couch. Morgan is making food in the kitchen. Sorry I came by. I just remembered you guys make drugs or whatever from stuff that comes from the brush. Wow, you tell guys you meet on Tinder that you and your roommate make narcotics from the blood of carnivorous imps.

I was desperate for something to talk about. This guy opened with a 30-minute story about how someone he went to high school with used to eat bees. talk about this guy opened with a 30 minute story about how someone he went to high school used to eat bees well talk about your siblings or prestige streaming television like a normal boring person on a bad date at least we won't we won't get me thrown in jail i start all my tinder conversations with are you a cop they can't lie it's like an amendment or something i've had a lot of luck with that bee eating story in the past. It's got lots of universal themes. Okay, so you got tagged by a brush imp, huh? The kind with the fur? I mean, did you chop off whatever part he touched? No, was I supposed to chop something off? Yeah, probably would have been a good idea.

You might be fine. Morgan is big on worst case scenarios. So, most stuff that gets in here from the brush is kind of poisonous in big doses. We cut the poison with household chemicals and make a little mixture that helps you see part of what they see. If something is born in the brush or lives there long enough, it perceives things we don't. That's part of why they're so good at killing us. She was born out there. Do you remember when the government brought kids into Fairhaven from out there? She gestures towards Morgan.

Holy jeez, you're one of the brush babies? Please don't call me that, okay? It sounds like Bush Baby, those big-eyed tree monkeys, and I can't compete with those adorable little assholes. Sorry, what should I call you? How about Morgan, whose house I'm about to leave so I don't die of brush poisoning on her nice new couch? He was scratched like an hour ago and he's fine. Look, it's healing up and everything.

Pleasant. You said when it happened you could, like, kind of communicate with it? Yeah, it was listening to me right before I killed it with a goopy beam. Ah, you've got the sting. Some people who I grew up with spent years mastering the sting. I don't hate the sound of that. Oh, it's nearly impossible to control. Like, it could go off and kill your sex partner while you're doing it.

Yeah, that's not really a concern at the moment. So good news, you probably won't die, but you can do some cool new stuff that might kill everybody that you care about. Cool. Can you bounce now? Morgan has a meeting tomorrow, and I'm still drunk from dinner, so this whole conversation has been a real challenge.

Exterior outside Tandem headquarters day. Morgan stands outside Tandem HQ in her running clothes. It's a towering, ultra-modern building, a wing of an Apple-like tech company. Well-dressed young professionals rush in and out, trendy coffees in hand. Morgan sticks out like a sore thumb but gives negative fucks. Interior, inside Tandem HQ continuous. Morgan approaches the two-peppy, geek-chic receptionist at the welcome desk. Hey, I'm here to see Bonnie Klein. She's currently in a staff meeting, but I'd love it if you'd take advantage of the cereal bar.

Morgan looks to her left. Coders are all chowing down on cereal. Or hit the inspiration room. Inside a glass room, adults sit cross-legged on the floor and play with trucks. Or head to the foam zone for a pint of Tantum craft beer brewed in house. A bunch of nerds slam beers at a tiny bar. They are clearly wasted. It's 9 a.m. I know, cool, right? Yes, it is very cool that it's nine. I'll just have a seat. Interior, Bonnie's office, continuous. Bonnie, 40s, is finishing up a call.

Morgan shuffles in and sits down on a yoga ball, the only thing to sit on in the minimalist office. Dozens of publicity photos of Bonnie hang on the wall. Well, if those little turds in the innovation division don't innovate, what are we paying them for? She gives Morgan the just-a-second finger. Take away their goddamn hoverboards and VR headsets or whatever else they're using to jerk off with on company time

until they start making us some money. And can keep the foosball table. I'm not a monster. Okay, you too. She hangs up. Morgan, how's my favorite? Morgan rolls her eyes at this. Good, just living life, you know?

That's kind of what I was talking about. Now, when I convinced Tandem to bring you kids into Fairhaven 15 years ago, we didn't ask for anything in return. Remember this? There you are. She gestures to an old photo of herself. She's holding a giant novelty check and standing with a gaggle of kids in clean white jumpsuits. A 12-year-old Morgan's legs can be seen sticking out underneath. The check reads, Operation Dream Maker.

Yeah, it seems like most of our photos together, I'm being obscured by a giant check. When I was that age, I would have loved to have been so close to so many giant checks. So when Tandem led an expedition to get you guys out of the brush, we just wanted to give you a future. A future to pursue art or music or improv or parkour. Or working at Tandem. Sure, if this is where your passions lead you, led you, lead you, whatever. But I just don't think people who pay good money to live here

want to hear about you and your pals running around, killing those things, and making your dope out of their blood. Morgan is caught. She tries to stay calm. I, uh, I'm not sure what you're... Don't give me that shit, please and thank you. You live in a goddamn corporate-created bubble. We have surveillance cameras everywhere,

and we caught you dragging some brush nightmare into a taqueria. She pushes a button on her computer. A monitor on the wall shows Morgan jogging out of the woods with the imp from earlier on her back. Well, I didn't bring it in the taqueria. I left it outside while I bought breakfast burritos. On screen, we see Morgan dump the body near a parking meter. A tied up dog sniffs the body. I get that for the first chunk of your life, you had to fight those things to stay alive. I get that. But you live in civilization now. I know. And I like it here. I don't mean to be an ungrateful shit about things.

Hooray! A nugget of sense. But wouldn't it be better if we weren't so trapped here? I mean, I know that the brush is full of terrible stuff that eat faces, but it's also got some of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Just want to remind you that the last time you saw it, you were 12, but continue to not make sense. Go ahead. I get why people love it here, but I think they'd like to see what's on the outside.

I mean, let me take some people who want an adventure. I can show them where I grew up, the Dark Hills, the Shadow Sea. Okay, here's part of your problem. Those fanatics you grew up with gave everything such terrible names. I mean, the Dark Hills sounds like a place you go to get an STD from a wizard. Yeah, they're bad. I mean, give my ancestors a break. It's hard to name stuff. Look, if people want an adventure, we provide that.

That's why Tandem started creating deliberate communities so that everything you need is right here. I'm not talking about a rock-climbing gym or a virtual reality game. I'm talking about actually seeing the world. Well, sometimes when people go out to see the world, they don't come back. Bonnie looks over at a photo on her wall. She's 15 with her mom and dad on either side.

They're in camping gear out in the brush. They're standing in front of a beautiful blue and green waterfall. I'm really sorry for what happened. Yeah, no, we are definitely not going to take that detour. I know, look, I know you've got various urges or energies or whatever. I just think there is a way we can put them to better use, okay? Now look, we're starting a new app called Hunter. She pushes another button and the Hunter logo appears on screen.

We know that the bubble is getting compromised more and more lately, and we want Fairhaven residents to feel safe. So we thought you and anyone else who has a penchant for exterminating those things could, you know, respond to people who report sightings in the app. Hunter, why is there no E in there? Well, Hunter with an E was already taken.

It's a hookup app for gay men with a particular body hair requirement. Bonnie grabs Morgan's phone. Hey! I'm downloading the beta now. taken. It's a hookup app for gay men with a particular body hair requirement. Bonnie grabs Morgan's phone. Hey! I'm downloading the beta now. Just try it. If someone reports something, the GPS will show you where. We'll even give you the tools so you don't have to keep

shanking them with your homemade whatevers. I'm sorry, but I just don't think I can... Oh, did I mention we know that you and your boo sack of a roommate have been... what we... what you've been doing with the blood? We know. Fairhaven Security would love to just look the other way on that if you'd just give this a shot. Oh, so we don't have a choice then? Absolutely not.

Close up on Morgan's face, she opens the Hunter app. We pull out to reveal Morgan walking into a farmer's market. The app buzzes wildly. Exterior, farmer's market, day. Morgan is walking with much determination into a crowded farmer's market from whence people are fleeing. It's set up in the park where she usually jogs.

The fanny pack is around her waist. A huge steel tandem-provided spear is slung across her back. She sees a hippie woman waving at her from a stall. Are you from Hunter? Yeah, I guess so. Hold on, I have to ask you some stuff. She consults her phone.

She reads it unenthusiastically. Are you hurt? No. Do you feel yourself developing strange powers? Oh, well, I've always been a little psychic. I'm going to put that down as no. Do you realize that by using the Hunter app, you cannot hold tandem or any of its subsidiaries

responsible for any injury or property damage? Yes? Peachy, so you're having some sort of a monster issue? Okay, I'm not sure I should be telling you this, but I have a guy who brings in some pomegranates from the brush. You know, they're just more robust than the ones that grow inside. And I just feel... This thing is charging you by the minute, just so you know. Oh, right.

Sorry. I was unloading today and I saw a thing. She gestures to a U-Haul filled with produce. Amongst the pomegranates and squash, there's a giant pulsating pod. Strange barks can be heard coming from within. I thought I could just sell it, sell for the day and keep it hidden,

but then it, like, really started making noise and everybody freaked. Morgan climbs into the U-Haul. The pod screeches and unfurls like a pill bug. It's a more insect version of the imps we've seen previously. It lashes out at her with a stinger. Morgan leaps back and positions the metal spear

she's been carrying on her back. She points it towards the bug, which swipes the spear away just as an electrical bolt fires from the tip. The bolt hits the gate away just as an electrical bolt fires from the tip. The bolt hits the gate into a petting zoo and baby goats stream out. Author's note, this must be in the final version. I will not budge on this. Non-negotiable.

The bug unfurls wings and sputters out of the U-Haul and into the nearby park. Oh my god, what are you gonna do? Morgan takes out her phone and opens up the Postmates app. I think I'll order some Thai food. End of Act 2. Exterior, City Park, day. Mitch is walking next to Morgan, a huge bag of Thai food in his hand. So, you don't want the Thai food?

No, I need your weird newly mutated bloodstream, but I might want it later, so actually hold on to it. Okay, cool. So I'm guessing because you haven't died, the imp's venom is mingling nicely with your insides. That seems right. So I'm guessing you can sense this thing that's hiding in the park somewhere.

Gotcha. So how do I start? Okay, when I lived out there, there was guys in my family who could communicate with them. It was less about language and more about senses. I know I sound like a widowed yoga instructor, but just trust your senses or some shit like that. Mitch closes his eyes. Can I put down the Thai food?

The smell is kind of distracting. Yeah, yeah, fine. Mitch puts it next to a bench. We should come back for it, though. I don't think anyone will mess with it. These noodles are really, really good. Morgan punts the takeout bag like a football. Sorry about that.

Mitch closes his eyes. Okay, I'm definitely maybe not sure, but I think we should walk in this direction. He gestures toward a wooded area. Morgan sighs. They head off into the trees. Exterior, wooded area, later. Mitch and Morgan stalk around, looking for the missing monster.

I'm not surprised things didn't work out with me and Annie. She's just kind of adrift, you know? Doesn't really know what she wants. I don't want to be a dick because you're helping me and everything, but isn't that kind of your deal, too? I mean, you drive food around for rich people and stoners. To be fair, the rich people are often also stoned. You know what I mean.

I do have a thing, you know. Yeah? A party bus. I want to own the world's most kick-ass party bus. Morgan cracks a smile. I was on a party bus once for my cousin's bachelor party-ass party bus. Morgan cracks a smile. I was on a party bus once for my cousin's bachelor party, and it sucked.

Mine is going to have a voice-activated sound system so you can just yell, Come sail away! And it will totally play, Come sail away! Or like any song, right? I guess, but... In a party bus situation, do you want to hear any other song?

That's an excellent point. It does have a slow part and a fast part. Mitch forgets to whisper. Right, two parts. The two parts is key. They are interrupted by a shriek. The bug they've been looking for is perched on a tree. Talk to it.

Get it to come down. So we can kill it? Maybe we can help it find its way back to the outside. Hey, dude. I know she looks pretty heavily armed at the moment, but we want to help you. The bug rears up and bares its stinger. Two giant claws emerge from its abdomen. It doesn't want help.

It wants to kill and eat us. Morgan reaches for her spear. The bug knocks it out of her hands with its tail and pounces on her. She holds it off with one hand and reaches in her fanny pack with the other. She grabs her trusty dagger and rams it into the bug, breaking off the point. She pushes it off her. It screams, but it's not dead. The sting! You used the sting!

I don't know how! I can't yoga teach you through this right now. Just do it! We're at the fast part of Come Sail Away! Music, you! The fast part of Come Sail Away. Music, you, the fast part of Come Sail Away. Everything goes into slow motion. The creature rears up and flashes its many pointy things. Mitch closes his eyes and sure enough summons the sting. The monster leaps but is blasted right out of the air. The song cuts off. Slow motion ends. Morgan reaches into her fanny pack, gets out her chapstick, and applies it. You want some?

No, no, I'm good. Exterior, City Street later. Morgan is walking, talking to Annie via FaceTime. So you killed it. Great. But why can't we use the body? I'm kind of a tandem employee now. So we kill it, they send a cleanup group.

Seems like a huge waste. Think of all the getting faded that could happen with that thing's guts. I mentioned that they know we've been doing that, right? Like the whole reason I'm doing this is to keep us out of jail. Plus, it pays pretty good, so I think we'll be able to make rent. Ugh, fine. So wait, do you have to cut Mitch in on that too? Yeah, but he handled himself really well. He's pretty cool when he's not being a nervous wreck. You should give him another shot. Nah, I'm kind of doing a non-monogamous exploration kind of thing right now. He seems too fragile to handle all the innovative sex I plan on having. Hey, I gotta run. I'm here.

Where's here? Van's house. Van? Why on earth would you... I just need to get something from him. Really? Okay, well, I won't wait up for you then. It's an item. It's not sex, okay? I'll see you in a few. She hangs up. She approaches an apartment. The outside is decorated with Tibetan prayer flags. A big Coexist sticker hangs in the window facing the street. Morgan takes a deep breath and knocks. Van, 32, answers.

He's wearing a tank top and those individual toe-hiking shoes. And is sporting a man bun. Hey, you texted. Come on in. Can I get you kombucha? No, thanks. I need my thing. Oh, totally. Can I get you kombucha? No, thanks. I need my thing. Oh, totally.

Can I just finish up my workout? I guess. Van squats in the corner. He breathes in and out intensely. Morgan is confused. What are you... What are you... Male kegels.

Yeah. That tracks. Yeah. $599. $600. Done. Woo! Oh.

So, what have you been up to? Well, have you heard of Hunter? Oh, yeah, totally. It's awesome, man. Right? I met with Bonnie about it. She's been calling in all the brush babies. Wait, really? Yeah. I've gotten, like, right? I met with Bonnie about it. She's been calling in all the brush babies. Wait, really?

Yeah. I've gotten, like, six kills already. So you want to be doing this? Yeah, it's the best. I was just starting to get sick of the rock climbing, so the time was great, you know? She's not blackmailing you? Yeah.

No way. I mean, you and I talk about this while we're lovers. Don't say lovers say dating okay when you say lovers i feel like there's ants on me yeah cool i get that well you know when we were together we we always talked about how there's something missing like living in Fairhaven. Like it's great and there's great coffee and art scene. And your ultimate Frisbee team.

Oh, I quit that. Too much drama, you know? You know how ultimate gets. Sure. So, you know, Fairhaven's great, but living out there was a constant rush, you know? I think that's why I rock climb and train Krav Maga and ride sexual jet skis. Stop. Put a pin in that. Explain it to me later.

I mean, sometimes I just feel trapped here. Right, I know, but this is better, right? But now, with Hunter, we don't have to choose. Hey, speaking of, can I get my hatchet now? I tried to use one of the weapons that Tandem gave me, but... Yeah, they're kind of sterile, huh? They gave me these, which are still kind of cool. He goes to the other side of the room and picks up two steel gauntlets. Huge claws pop out of them. Van laughs.

Dope, right? Yeah, dope, dope. But I think I prefer my gear. Van opens a trunk and pulls out an axe that's made out of the same bone as her dagger. Dope, right? Yeah, dope, dope. But I think I prefer my gear. Fan opens a trunk and pulls out an axe that's made out of the same bone as her dagger. Yeah, I get it. You like stuff that's familiar. He hands it over.

Hey, me and some guys are going to that bocce ball bar tonight. You want to come with? She's torn. I don't think so. I'm trying not to. Both of their phones start to buzz. Hunter? Yeah, looks like it. Want to team up? Could be fun.

I'm kind of already teamed up with someone. It's new and not that serious, but I think we have a good dynamic. It's cool. Glad you're happy. Looks like whatever it is, it's big enough that multiple people called it in. So I'll probably see you there, right? He runs into the other room and pops his head back in. He's wearing a GoPro on his head. Text me if you get there and it's lame. Exterior. Exterior. Industrial Park.

Evening. Morgan and Mitch are in a desolate warehouse district. Morgan's axe hangs from her belt. Mitch is holding a bag of takeout. You don't have to bring the tie every time we do one of these. I know. I just happen to be getting food when you text it. It's not Thai. It's Indian.

He starts to paw through the bag. You can have some of the curry, but it's got meat in it, and I don't know if you're a vegetarian. I got some of those onion balls, and those don't have any meat. Morgan shoots him a look. Mitch takes the hint and punts the bag like a football

thanks food on me after we finish this what are we looking for this place looks abandoned there's multiple requests from this area so I'm guessing

something's wrong at that stupid speakeasy that's in one of these warehouses speakeasy? yeah it's just one of those doesn't look like a bar bars my ex loves shit like that

anything with a password. She notices a metal sign on one of the buildings with a sinister looking eye on it. Oh, that's it. But there's some sort of stupid secret entrance. Mitch begins to feel around on the wall. No luck. Then an unconscious dude flies out the second story window morgan runs over and checks his pulse he's alive we should get in through there morgan effortlessly leaps up onto a ledge

near the window and gives mitch a boost up they peer inside the bar patrons all cower on the ground imps like the one from the park i'll menace but don't attack. Standing on the bar is a sinister man, 50s, in dark robes with a bandit's mask covering his face. It says, think Sam Elliott. I'm just going to say that. Let's take a minute to imagine Sam. Sam Elliott.

He's got everything. A huge sword made of bone, like Morgan's weapons, is slung over his shoulder. He addresses his hostages. So, lesson learned. And if any of you contact anyone other than your moneyed parents and tell them anything other than where they can send your ransom,

my poison-filled associates will deal with you. Lovely. Seems like we're all on the same page. Who's that? A very dangerous pain in my ass. What should we do? Before he can finish, Van bursts through the skylight with his claws bared. The GoPro is still affixed to his head.

He yells to the room. Off to the races, amigos! You moron! Don't try and have a catchphrase. The sinister man points towards Van and the bugs start to attack. He holds his own with some impressive martial arts flourishes. Morgan leaps in through the window.

She has his back. Hey, Em! Hey, where's the new partner? She gestures up. Mitch is daintily climbing down. Ah, he seems cool. Back to back, they fight off the bugs. Mitch composes himself.

He takes a deep breath and lets the sting fly. He hits the bottles behind the bar. The action stops for a bit while everyone looks at him. If you're not good at fighting, get the hell out of here. The hostages all start to flee. Morgan leaps up on the bar. She nods to the sinister man. He nods back and readies his sword. They fight.

He takes big swings with his heavy sword, which Morgan narrowly dodges. She takes fast hacks at him with her axe. One of the bugs charges towards Mitch. Fast power of Kumsail away. Fast power of Kumsail away. The bug leaps, but is stabbed quickly down to the

ground by Van, who is covered in bug guts and loving it. Hey, you're Morgan's friend. Yeah, it's awesome to meet you. She's great, right? What are you guys doing after this? Not sure. Getting food, maybe?

The last bug starts to charge. Van readies his claws. Before he can rush in, Mitch blasts it with a sting. Nice, dude. Nice. He tries to do some complicated handshake with Mitch, which Mitch blasts it with a sting. Nice, dude. Nice. He tries to do some complicated handshake with Mitch, which Mitch fucks up.

Morgan and the sinister man are still going at it. Morgan is desperately blocking his sword, but is having trouble keeping it up. With one last gasp, she kicks him as hard as she can. He flies back and she throws her axe. It hits him in the shoulder. He screams and yanks it out. Mitch and Van run to her side. The sinister man sees that he's beaten.

He leaps out the window. Morgan grabs her axe and leaps after him. Exterior, industrial park continuous. Morgan makes eye contact with the sinister man who is perched on one of the roofs. She is panting and wounded. She realizes that she can't catch him. They nod to each other. He leaps off into the night. Morgan reaches into her fanny pack, pulls out her chapstick, and applies it.

Well, good to see you, Dad. Always love it when you visit. And! That's bubble. How about a hand for the cast, everybody? Hey I hope that you enjoyed Jordan's great pilot bubble I know that I did Yeah thank you very much for listening again not the normal show but hopefully if you're a tried and true listener, that was fun for you. Yeah. And this is like I will mention this because Jordan's too modest. I will mention this. This is like a new way that Hollywood works, that you would lay something like this down and put it out publicly instead of secretly. I mean, I'm sure you're also secretly handing it around in brown envelopes. But if you like this, share it because the more people that hear it, the better.

It's one of the kind of neat things about this. Yeah, definitely. I think, yeah, this is not something people are banging down my door for. I'm a guy who writes for a fake game show, so a lot of people are not interested in my narrative work. So any kind of share you can give it online is greatly, greatly appreciated. And in addition to in this podcast feed, you can also find it on SoundCloud. Just search for Jordan's name and bubble and it'll come up there. Yeah, definitely. A lot of

ways to get at it. And yeah, any kind of little note you can give it on Twitter or Facebook or Reddit or wherever you like to share stuff you like. I appreciate it times one million. Now, Jordan, you brought up notes. You also want to hear notes from everyone who heard this. Yes, notes, please. Thoughts on changes. Yes, character development. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, what you would have done.

We do appreciate notes on this script and all of our scripts. Just make sure you're directing them on Twitter to at I am Papa John. Yeah, the Papa is he'll relay your notes to me. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist

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