Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Choco Gator Time, with Greg Proops

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

On this week’s episode we welcome comedian, Greg Proops (Whose Line Is It Anyway?), to chat about the Pasadena DooDah Parade, favorite souvenirs, San Francisco legends, and so much more!Get Greg’s new album Purple Shasta Raccoon!See Greg’s New Year’s Eve show this year at the Punchline in San Francisco on December 31st (Plus album taping)!Be sure to get our new 'Ack Tuah' shirt in the Max Fun store.Or, grab an 'Ack Tuah' mug!The Maximum Fun Bookshop!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On.Go see Free With Ads and Judge John Hodgman LIVE at SF Sketchfest!Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where!Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.Listen to See Jurassic Right!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorn, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Man, Jordan, something great happened to me today. I'd love to hear about it. Oh my gosh. What a treat. Do you know this Fathom events where they stream things into movie theaters? Right, yeah, you get a like a Riftrax or an opera. My mom likes to go see the,

likes to go see like Benedict Cumberbatch in a London theater production of some kind. But yeah, Riftrax is the only, I think I saw Riftrax, I think I saw Ira, I think I saw This American Lifeline. Oh right, yeah, yeah, sure. But they have like an anime wing, they have like an anime operation

where they send animes into movie theaters so that young people can have anime come directly to them. Right. And you know, my seven year olds don't. It's just so hard to find anime these days. I know. I'm in a desert looking for anime, where do I? I know. And my seven year desert looking for anime. Where do I? I know.

And my seven-year-old, the only form of media they're willing to consider consuming is anime. Yeah. Oh, you know, I think I saw Castle in the Sky in a theater via Fathom Events not too long ago. There you go. Beautiful. Beautiful movie.

I went to see, well, we can talk about beautiful movies because I saw that Boy in the heron. I've never been more baffled by a film in my entire life. I hear it's dreamlike. Boy, dreamlike doesn't even begin to describe how baffling it is. OK, but we went and saw the movie Pom Poko. You know that one?

Oh, it refreshed my memory. OK, I think that's what it's called, Pom Poko. It's about these raccoons with giant nuts that can turn their nuts into blankets and rugs. Okay, okay. And then also they turn into different creatures. Right. When you say nuts, do you mean testicles?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they have standard nuts too. They got tree nuts, but they are eating those to put on fat for the winter. Okay. Yeah, and they're fighting against developers

outside Tokyo, but... Well, good. I say good. What's great about this movie, this is a movie by a guy that's not Miyazaki, but is a studio Ghibli guy. Yeah. And it is probably my favorite of any of these that I've seen other than Totoro.

Okay, wow. Which you know how I feel about Totoro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody who hears this should know. Just try and get this guy to shut up about Totoro. I love this fucking- You mentioned the cat bus, this guy goes for hours. It's got all these fucking Totoros in it, I love it.

Anyway, this one, I don't know, as I'm watching this, the thing that I'm thinking is like, they turn into all these wonderful, they're trying to turn it, they're'm watching this, the thing that I'm thinking is like they turn into all these wonderful, like they're trying to turn it, they're turning into like ghosts and all these incredible beasts and things to scare people away from the town. And that part, you're just like,

oh, it's like these magical flights these magical flights of fancy, you know. But then also they have these giant nuts. And I'm like, what, where is the editor? Like where is the... Are the nuts veiny? That's what I want to know. For some reason that's mine. They're really like, they're really distinct.

Like they're large. And they're there no matter what form the raccoons take. So sometimes they're in like a realistic raccoon form, sometimes they're in a bipedal form, and sometimes they're in like an almost abstract form. In all of these cases, fat hangers just underneath there. It is unbelievable. Sweaty clackers you say. These raccoons have some of the sweatiest clackers you've ever seen. Clang clang clang. And there's just a part, there's just a part where they're learning, they're all learning to shapeshift so they can scare the people

away from the suburbs of Tokyo to protect the forests. And the wisest old shapeshifter is sitting in front of the house where they've set up shop, this like abandoned shrine where they've set up shop. And all the young raccoons are sitting cross-legged before him. And then he just goes, this rug you're sitting on? And he just sucks it back up into his nuts.

It was his nuts the whole time! It was his nuts! 1990 or something this movie came out. I don't know what was going on! Yeah, and it is otherwise, other than the nuts content for kids, like it doesn't have? Oh, 100%. No, there's no, there's, I mean there's like, there's a part where, well there's a nofap part also.

Is there? There's also a nofap part where well, there's a no-fap part also There's also a no-fap part. What there's a part where there it's not exactly a no. It's a no-nut Part, okay. It's like a part where how fitting here. We are in November exactly. They're trying to build up their strength We're recording this in November. I don't know. Yeah It's never coming out They're trying to build up their strength so that they can fight the humans. But they do it by, and then they also don't wanna have

too many raccoons to feed. So they stop fucking. Do they say that? They say that. Okay. And then the lady, then they just go, and it's the lady raccoons job

to make sure that this happens. And then there's just it's the lady raccoons job to make sure that this happens. And then there's just a montage of lady raccoons kicking the shit out of horny boy raccoons. Wow. It is really something else, this movie. It sounds amazing. It's really funny, I really liked it. Okay.

Anyway, I'm just in a great mood because I watched this fucking raccoon nuts movie. Yeah. Yeah, it was really fun. You got that post-nut sparkle. I do, yeah. I was gonna ask you if you were pregnant. I feel like the whole world has a post-nut clarity.

Sounds really beautiful. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you. So are you going to join your new heroes, the raccoons, in a FAP-free lifestyle? Yeah, man, it's been years. Look, I would never fap.

Oh, okay. Me? I'd never. Me? Never. I had no idea you were okay. I would never. I'm a pisca-pallion, Jordan. I'd never. I would never. I'm sorry I implied that. I would never. I'm sorry I implied that. That's between me and Christ, Jordan.

I would never. He decides when I have the wet dream. Exactly. He can fap Exactly, I may not fat myself may he fat me. Yes So say we all Blame before I lay me down to sleep. Yes, I think the Lord to fat my wean Anyway I slay the Lord to fath my ween. Anyway, it's horrible.

Can I go home? It's OK. You just go home. It's fine. I can't wait to get home. Our guest on the program this week is one of our one of our favorite guys in the world, who I don't think has ever been on Jordan, Jesse, go before. Wild. Maybe he was on Jordan, Jesse, go 12 years ago. I didn't Google it, but I think maybe he's never been on Jordan Jesse Goh before. Fucking wild. Maybe he was on Jordan Jesse Goh 12 years ago. I didn't Google it, but I think maybe he's never been

on Jordan Jesse Goh despite being San Mateo's favorite son. San Mateo, is that right, Greg? San Carlos. San Carlos, okay. White-est place on earth, home of the plain yogurt fest. Yeah. Take the fruit out, the powerful taste is burning our tongue.

What goes down there playing yogurt fest? Yeah. It's pretty wild. I've heard. He has a one direction. He has a brand new record album out with our friends at AST records that is called Purple Shasta Raccoon. Yes.

And it has nothing to do with the film you've talked about other than I stole almost everything from that movie. That's fine. That's great. You'll find the rug almost everything from that movie. OK, great. No, that's fine. That's great. You'll find the rug pulled out from under you in just a moment. Wow. Yeah.

Greg Proops. What a fun little conversion. Hi. Hi. Greg Proops. Greg Proops. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and Goh. Fresh off the road with the hit television program,

Whose Line Is It Anyway? Yes, our live show is called Whose Live. See what we did? Whose Live Anyway? Did someone pass away? Who's Live? No, because we're live. Oh, okay. I was worried someone had died.

I was worried someone had died. No, no. No, they're fine. Everyone's fine. We're good. No one has died. Okay, good. Greg, welcome to Jordan and Jesse Goal.

What a joy to... Thank you. It's very nice to see you, Fred. It's nice to see you guys. I was on maybe 100 years ago. Okay. Were you in this book? I was on the book. I was on the book Thank you. It's very nice to see you, friend. It's nice to see you guys. I was on maybe 100 years ago.

Okay. Were you in this building? You were in another building. It was even further downtown. Might have literally just been in my apartment at that time. Okay. There was an Irish guy on. It was on a television show. Not that I remember. Okay, great. We've sold out since... I see. ...before. It was kind of more of a punk a punk rock DIY zine kind of operation and now

Here we are in the fucking penthouse. Mm-hmm. The I don't know every tower we call it Right. Yeah, we got all these little plastic plants and the whole man. Yeah, it's nice I got a really lifestyle getting a real Peter teal feel out of this place. Sure Some big bold white moves coming on coming on. Here's the thing. First of all, if your moves are white, consult a doctor. Right. Second of all, we have a full Peter Thiel thing. We don't believe that the law applies to us.

OK, sure. And we've created this. We've announced that this studio, we've decided this studio is a sovereign kingdom. Right. That's why we'll be shooting dice instead of doing a podcast. Paying for Hulk Hogan's lawsuits?

Right. Whatever. Sounds right. Greg, did you have a nice time in Florida? Florida was okay. I mean, I got there, I was in the South for two weeks starting on election night. And so, you know, it wasn't as cheery as it might have been. I certainly was bunking.

But the white people down there, well, it's as if the world was just as great as it always was. You know, in fact, it's even better than it was because they've gotten rid of so many things that were important. So, yeah, I had fun. I mean, the thing was doing comedy kind of says everything, you know, at the end of the day. I remember in 2016 going up to do a set the first time, and I was in Portland, speaking of white, and we, I remember going backstage to the other comedians, is this gonna work?

You know, like, because it was that bad, and people were so traumatized. How soon was it after the election? A couple of days. I was talking to a woman outside. I was a psychologist and she had said she had been literally dealing with people like triage for the last four or five days because people were losing their minds. Anyway, we went on and the show went fine.

Then I realized I was the one who was being pretentious and precious and overly, you know, because I felt bad. And instead it was comedy still works. It's a release. Entertainment still works. Art still works. All those things still work. Nothing stopped working because there's fascists. And as Peter Cook so awesomely said, when someone asked him in the 70s, do you think comedy can change how people think politically? And he said, well, yes, of course. Look what the Weimar Cabaret did in stopping Hitler. So it's not going to change anything, but it also lets us live our lives. And so it's still fun to do comedy. It helped me for the two weeks we were down there. It's very, it was very, because Hodgman and I,

John Hodgman of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. By the way, is he a judicial nominee of your sovereign nation, or does he have his own bailiwick? He has to be confirmed by Stephen A. Morris. All right, OK. All right. I just didn't mean to. Yeah, we're going to have to do a bench appointment.

Yeah, OK. To the bench. We had a show the day after. the first show of our most recent tour was the day after the election or the evening after the election. Wednesday. And it was, but I imagine a different audience than like the Hooseline audience is going to be a very general audience. Oh, yeah.

You know, like a classic general audience, like people who are out there to have a nice time. Whereas we were in Vermont in front of a John Hodgman audience who all knew him either from being nerds or seeing him on The Daily Show. And that scene was intense. Everything went great. We were very glad to have some fun. Yeah, yeah.

And everybody's glad to get together. There's that community thing that's so important. It really is. Yeah. Because then you feel like there's other people like you, as opposed to when you, you know, whatever media you're on. I'm grateful. You start to feel like there's just, they're banging at the door.

You know, I had a lovely that feeling today at the Pasadena Duda Parade. Yes! Yes! Jordan, you mentioned on a recent episode of our program that you were attending the Pasadena Duda Parade. It was your first Pasadena Duda Parade, other than watching it on television as a child. Yes. How did it go?

Yeah, so this is a, do you guys know what this is? This is a kind of hippie 1.0 counterculture tradition. Greg, hold on. You've never been the grand marshal of the Pasadena Duda Parade? I was asked once to be the artichoke queen, but that was informal. OK.

That was not for a parade. That was by a man who was offering you $300. Define parade. That was by a man who was offering you $300. Define parade. I mean, you know. Yeah, sure. There could be a two person parade in a closet, right? Yeah, all I'm saying is Hasadino Doodah Parade, call Greg Proops. This is your guy.

Okay, go ahead. Yeah, so this is, it has its roots in the 60s and 70s and like some, you know, kind of freak out the squares, people decided to do it as like the antidote to the Rose Parade. It's the like kooky, like psychedelic, you know, counterpoint to the square ass Rose Parade. And yeah, it was always like something I liked watching

on TV as a kid. I moved to Pasadena not too long ago, they didn't do it for a while, now they're doing it. And now I was like, I gotta be there, front row center, do da parade. And yeah, it had that effect of like, oh, the world seems like it's full of not cool people, and it was just kinda nice to watch these very,

you know, hippie 1.0, right? It's this kind of hippiness that like, maybe we got a little Sick of going to college at UC Santa Cruz but like when you see it out in the world when you see the like guy in the jester hat or like the You know Drag Tina Turner's out there. You're like, you know, fuck. Yeah, I I'll tell you this like Having grown up in San Francisco and having gone to college at UC Santa Cruz,

I was like so done with hippie shit. Sure. And my dad was not a hippie, but he was a professional anti-war activist. And so it was in the air. And I got down here, I'm like, guys, let's go buy some fucking bulk peanut butter. Like, let's do, that shit is great.

Like, what are you, I'll eat sprouts, come on. Let's do this, I miss, let's all live in like, brown Julia Morgan houses and like, yeah, I'm all over it. I love it. What were the big things? I mean, obviously sense of community. Sense of community, there was a big- Everybody has on a Fez.

There was a lot of Fezes. I don't know if anyone was official Shriner or not. I'm guessing no. There was a flatbed truck with a jam band composed entirely of Chewbacca's. Huh? That sounds good. It was good.

And here's the thing, they played Hot to Go. And I'm like, that is, I thought the most modern song I would hear at this would be all night long. You know, like, I'm like, there's no way anyone knows any pop culture at this beyond 1984. Hot to go. So there you go. Band of Chewbacca's, they're still paying attention. I really loved it.

That's really great. Beautiful. Were there any unusual modes of conveyance? That's a key. Yeah. Tiny cars perhaps? Tiny cars, tiny cupcake cars. There was an Indiana Jones running away from a Boulder car. Oh, I love that.

It was good. Greg, did you ever like self-identify as a hippie? Oh, no. I'm from San Carlos, as I said, the widest place on earth. And then I moved to San Francisco as soon as I could. But no, I was more, I don't know. I was kind of a theater dude and then, you know, I guess, I was kind of a theater dude and then, you know, I guess, punky, but I wouldn't say I never like shaved my head or any of that jazz. I always, I really didn't like joining that much. But growing up in the very in the 70s, it's just stewed and hippie everything. So I was in an alternative school in my high school called Elios. Uh, that the kids,

a couple of generations before us had rebelled against the fact that they had to go to regular classes. And so they created a school within a school and you had to apply to be in it and have someone sponsor you. And our teachers were called RPs resource people. And we called them by their first names, Bob and Gary and whatnot, surely. We didn't call them Mrs. Halperin, whatever, da da da. So I got into that. And so I was on my own the first quarter. And I managed to get, I think, half a unit.

And I remember having a meeting with my RP Rod. And he went, so Greg, you've been here with us for a couple of months now, and you've managed to eke out a half of unit. Eke out was the word he used. And so I knuckled down a little more, and then I started teaching some classes and whatnot. And it was where there was a guy who was a way pre-shint tech dude who

put on an electronic computer tech show for us. This is in the 70s. And all the hippie girls were in the, in the Ilios, but also lots of hard girls too. And so it was an awesome sort of mixture. The only thing you couldn't take in Ilios was I think science and math, but everything else like what we used to call a liberal arts education. Sure. Yeah.

So there was, it was really fun and I'm glad I did it because I'd been in AS or advanced, whatever they called it, advanced standing, English and Jazz, my first year or two in high school. And then this was way more my speed, which was like, you know, kind of you chose the classes you want to go to, you did this, you did that. Like I said, you could teach too. I think me and a buddy taught a class on like film comedy and showed like Marx Brothers movies. In those days, they gave you a catalog, a physical catalog. And we went like, we'll take,

and I think we picked like a Night of the Opera, the General by Buster Keaton. I can't remember all the movies we picked. And then they would bring them to you on a fucking reel. Beautiful. And you showed them to you on a fucking reel. Beautiful. And you showed them in class on a fucking projector. And yeah, so there was a long way of answering that. But yes, there were hippies all over the place,

but I wasn't really, I went to a Grateful Dead show because all of my friends were into it. And I, so I really enjoyed it. This was in 1977, 78. Greg, I feel you. I was once peer pressured into going into a Dave Matthews concert. Right?

Yeah, Dave Matthews kittens. And next you're gonna say you went to a Johnny Clegg and Savooka concert. And um... I don't get that, but I love it! You will one day. One day in the fullness of time. And the girls at the Grateful Dead,

this is what year it was, there was an enormous banner that someone had painted that said 3260 whatever, since they'd played Dark Star. That was a big line of demarcation for everybody, which I guess they'd played in like Europe or 72 or whatever. And then all the girls had big flowy skirts and they swirled. That was a big thing.

I can't remember if I was on acid, I'll be honest. And I have a pretty good memory for those things. But I know that often we did acid in those days, real good old fashioned on a piece of blotter paper or a purple spaceship or a purple micro dot or whatever that were inexpertly dosed by someone with an eyedropper in a room in Berkeley. And that was, And sometimes they're on a sheet and then you'd cut the sheet, right? So if you went to the person who actually was the acid dealer, but that's how they did it. They took a, however you pronounce it,

lysergic, whatever, blah, blah, blah, in an eyedropper and then on a piece of paper. And so not exactly like exacting science. Yeah, you're going to find out once you put that in your mouth. Well, right, because 40 minutes go by and then you're like, man, the back of my head feels really wild. And then an hour and a half later, you're crying laughing because someone's blue. And then an hour later, you're dying laughing because someone said the word, you know, chutney. Sure. And then that's it for the rest of the day.

I mean, chutney's pretty good. I'm still in cold soba right now. You're having a hard time holding it in. So I was steeped in hippie culture, I like to think. But there was also that weird backlash in punk where it was this kill hippie and we hate hippies and all that. And I was always like, I'm not sure that a new movement that

requires killing everyone in the old movement is it Maybe as effective as it might be one and two there was that also that kind of vaguely Nazi thing that some punks did where they shaved their heads and there was sort of swat stickers here and there and I was Like I was a little more on the dead Kennedy side where it was like now. I don't want Nazis There's this like are you making fun of this? Because it's not clear. It is not clear. This is not an ironic appreciation.

Are you? Yeah. So that part I didn't. But I mean, I liked the energy of the music and all that. It was a little white, too, for me. But that's the, but see, coming from San Carlos, you really can't escape whiteness, so. My father, my aforementioned not really a hippie father, did live in a techno commune for a time in the 70s in San Francisco. Where

was that? In San Francisco, it was in a giant warehouse. It was called Project One. And it was like, my dad was not techno. My dad had no technical skills I'm aware of, other than yelling at me that I broke his computer. But I think the money was coming in from people who built computers to do light shows at concerts. Like computers that controlled blinking lights at a Grateful Dead concert or whatever was what was keeping Project One in the black. Can I ask where it was physically? Was it South of Market or something?

I think it was South of Market. Are we losing everybody with this? I think it was South of Market. I mean, it was before I was born, but I think it was South of Market. I read a newspaper article about it because I have a friend that works at The Chronicle and he's like, did your dad live in this weird- Peter? Yeah. Yeah.

You know Peter. Oh yeah, great guy. He works at The Chronicle? Yeah. This is getting way so bad. I love his bylines. Yeah. Yeah, but he lived in this weird-

If this gets into bread bull talk, I'm out. And I do love the idea. I love a fucking like high-end practice. I love the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the idea of the. And I do love the idea, I love a fucking like

high-end practical hippie. Like I love a hippie that's also really into getting shit done. And that is like, that's an, like you feel like, you know, like Ben and Jerry or something. Like Ben and Jerry both, I mean, they had some good ideas for ice cream. Like we should name ice cream after people

and also put funny stuff in it. But also, clearly they were like, and also we need to like destroy the ice cream business with our laser-like focus, you know? And like that kind of hippie, I'm kind of into that. Like, I mean, that's pretty great. Yeah. Well, there was a, the original benign billionaire was a guy who had a thing called the Whole

Earth Catalog. And you probably remember that. I'm certain they were in your house. Sure. Hearing what your father did. And it was like, now you, I don't know what you would compare it to, but it was a very hippie, like instead of the Sears catalog or all those catalogs we used to have when we were kids, or Montgomery Ward, whatever, where you would buy stuff from the catalog and they mail it to you, the whole earth one

was like the hippie one. So it was way more groovy and there was groovier stuff in it. And his name was Stuart Mott. And he was really wealthy, but he was a complete hippie. And now there's a few, like the guy who owns Progressive Insurance is a pretty liberal, lefty, hippie. And now there's a few like the guy who owns progressive insurance is a pretty liberal lefty hippie dude. I did a big benefit for him years ago at the ACLU and he'd ask for me and who else was there? Deborah Harry from Blondie and Maxie Priest, the reggae star. You'll like this one. This is a small tangent, which I do completely all the time. I'm only tangential. And We were backstage and Maxie's there with his reggae band and he had the scariest manager I've ever met in my life. His manager was this frightening Jamaican dude who I kept a good yard away from because

he was so scary. They came backstage and they go, could you say to Maxie for him and his band not to smoke weed backstage? This was 20 years ago, 15 years ago maybe. And I went, this is an ACLU conference. There are 3,000 advocate lawyers in that room. 3,000 advocate lawyers, all of them are dying to take Maxie Priest's case against the Hyatt in Washington. Isn't this what you do?

But if you just don't have them smoke weed in there. Also, are you aware this is a reggae band? Well, you know, like, right? You thought we were booking Judas Priest. That made me laugh so hard though. Could you ask the Rolling Stones not to bring out any guitars? Is that possible? Right, right.

They do, just hand drumming. Yeah. My mother had some friends, had some friends who live in a commune in West Virginia. And that was like as close to true hippie-dom. It's like as close to the hippie sun as I ever flew, was like going out and staying at the rocks in West Virginia. And I have nothing but the fondest memories of their, like, there was a farm there,

but I'm going to say there were some illicit crops underneath the regular crops or something, because there was definitely not enough farm. But one of the guys there, so I just like maybe, I don't know, a couple dozen people lived there. And one of the guys there, he was the one, he was like the, just like the guys running the light shows at the Dead Show for Project One.

He was the Vat of the rocks. And he had invented the chip that plays a song in a greeting card. Oh, fantastic. Like, beep boop boop boop boop. That kind of song chip. And they were just fucking. Living off that? Living off the faddle.

Wow. Yeah, I love it. Jesse invented that. They were just cruising on out. They had a music festival every year. Awesome. Did they put you to work when you're there? Did you have to scrub vegetables or something? No, but I did eat a deer that someone hit with their car. Okay. Yeah. Intentionally? Yeah, no. Intentionally eat it or intentionally hit it?

Both. That's called hunting. Right. Yeah. Intentionally? Yeah, I know. Intentionally eat it or intentionally hit it? Both. That's called hunting, yeah. Right, yeah. We're tired of gun culture. Right, exactly. We run them down. We run them down.

That's how God intended. It's a more natural death. Wow. Greg, do I see some friendship bracelets on underneath this one? A girl gave me this in Wisconsin after a show. And then last week in Florida, Joel gave me this, a friend of his gave it to me. And it says Africa is a continent because it was a joke from,

whose line from about 20 years ago, Drew said Africa is a big country. And I said, it is a big country, Drew. It's also a continent if you wanna look at it that way. It's really beautiful. I think you'll find it's more than a country. Hey, this is kind of exciting. Greg brought us some snacks from Florida.

This couldn't be more exciting. I mean, Greg, you're down there in Florida. You're living by your wits, literally and figuratively. You're just going from town to town with your friends improvising and trying to stay one step ahead of the governor. Right. And you took the time to bring us an original Choco Gator. Yeah, the original Choco Gator. I'm not certain if there's a bunch of knockoffs. Fugazi chocolate gators. Death to false chocolate gators. Yeah, the false chocolate gator. That should have been the name of my next album.

This is- Choc-pee gator. This is a solid gator. This is not a hollow gator. You have children, so- Yeah. It's a full gator. So feed them to the gator.

No, no, eat it first before they get in here. Let's do this. Why don't we take a little break? Okay. We'll open these packages. We'll taste a little bit on the show. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessi Goh. It's Jordan Jessi Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what I like to do this time of year, Jordan? What do you like to do this time of year? Prepare to travel to the San Francisco Bay area and visit SF Sketch Fest. Oh yeah, it's gonna be fun. Jordan, you and I are both going to be there, albeit separately. Yes. It's a...

You can't put two wolverines in a cage together. You can't. Not with wolverine dicks like ours. Everybody will be too horny. Look at those wolverines. No. Snicked, bub. together. You can't. Not with Wolverine dicks like ours. Everybody will be too horny. Look at those Wolverines. Snicked, bub. Oh, is that kind of Wolverines? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, we're both Hugh Jackman. I think we're both Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the University

of Michigan Wolverines, except now I think he's the coach of the Chargers now that I think about it. Yes. Okay, anyway. Moral of the story is come see us at SF SketchFest. Please do. You can find the dates at maximumfund.org slash events. I'm also doing a Judge John Hodgman, like a full West Coast tour. So come see Judge John Hodgman in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, SF SketchFest, and LA.

We were doing the LA show with Judge John Hodgman, Jordan, you and I, and that show was sold out. Sorry. Sold out solid. Also, if you're celebrating the holidays this year with gifts, well, great news. We've got perfect gifts. There is, of course, new merchandise in the Max Fun Store at maxfunstore.com, including our new Actua t-shirts and mugs. But you can also pick up Jordan's books for someone that you love. You know, speaking of books, Jesse, this is kind of cool.

Maximum Fund now has a bookshop.org page. This is really cool. Bookshop.org, great website to go to if you want to get a book in the mail but don't want to get it through a company that does damage to the world. Borders, books, and music. That's exactly the one I'm talking about. Borders!

Wait, books a million. Yeah. So bookshop.org, great website, and there's now a Max Fun page. Walden Books? Yeah, Crown Books. What are some other books or chains that aren't't know. Or jades that aren't around anymore. It's a Max Fun page. We'll link to it in the show notes.

And it has all the books written by Max Fun personalities. So you can get like Mallory O'Mara's book there, you can get Brea Grant's book there, a large of Geralt Day's book, you can get Youth Group from Me and Boa McGurdy, the new YA horror comedy graphic novel, makes a perfect gift. And also just some staff recommendations. so some cool recommendations from the Max Fund staff. You get a book and you don't feel bad about where you're getting it from. Can I tell you what the last two orders on the Put This On shop were?

Oh, please do. Because I'm going to have... You can guess which one is like a Jordan Jesse Goh listener and which one is a Put This On men's style blog reader. Okay. So the first order was for a total including shipping and tax of $92.50. It was a brass University of California belt buckle from the 1920s. Cool. So that was the first order. So again, we're playing, was this a during this ago listener? Okay.

Very beautiful 100 year old belt buckle. The other order was for one pack of Gremlin's two trading cards, a 1978 fantastic world Starlog photo guidebook, Skeletor, He-Man Fighting, He-Man Riding Battle Cat, and He-Man Alone Vintage Fuzzy Sticker Patches. Wow. A pack of Rad Dudes trading cards and a pack of Topps 1989 second series trading cards. So which one would you say is the- It's impossible to tell.

Impossible to know. It's an impossible game. Well, there truly is something for everybody over there on Put This On. Yeah, indeed. PutThisOnShop.com, something for everyone on your list this year. Look, if you're a fancy pants, I got fancy pants stuff. If you're a regular Joe Schmo, you can still order one of these. I got these great like alien and spaceman figures from the 50s.

They're really great. They sound great. Yeah. Go get it. Just go buy them. Put this on shop.com. Okay. Let's get back to the show. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Greg Proops, international pop diva. Indeed. A man who needs no introduction. You should see when Greg plays Vegas, 10 costume changes.

Oh, certainly. Yeah. Something skimpy, you know, in the beginning, because I want them to know. Of course. Right. You still got the bod. Oh, yeah.

Oh, right. And then later, you know, I think more of a later, I think more of a costumey costume. Right, right, right. Right. Let them know I got the budget. Sure. Do you close in a gown? Not normally, but I can.

I mean, I'm wearing a Sabrina Carpenter bag now. I kind of wear this shorty thing. It's neat. But you look great in that. That is really nice. That's really nice. I just always wear a jumpsuit. That's dysfunctional.. That's really nice. I just always wear a jumpsuit. That's dysfunctional.

Riot, not a romper? Just always wear a jumpsuit. No, full jumpsuit and sequined. Zippy or? No, buttons. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I wear a half shirt that says Dump'em Out.

Yeah. So we all have our own little outfit. We all have our own little outfit. Okay, are we gonna eat these Florida foods? Oh my God. So Greg, tell us what you got for us. This is so kind. This is a rum cake.

It's called fantastically tortuga. That means tortuga in Spanish. Ooh, my favorite. It's a coconut rum cake. And I don't know why, but there's an emblem on the front that says, special selection. And there's what appears to be like a conquistador kind of boat there. Right.

So in case you want to destroy the native inhabitants of Florida once more. Indeed. And then it says, a taste of Florida. Few serving suggestions. Warm a slice in the microwave with a scoop of vanilla. We're not doing that no sprinkle with powdered sugar and serve with fresh no serve with fresh cream and fruit no serve warm no let's just rip into the box what about what about tear with hand right shove and mouth feed to friend from college I'm gonna do that it smells incredible when I open the box smell great the like opening of the box

was such a wonderful like scent sensation. It has a lot of boozy smell. I've actually in like a really nice, like as a non-drinker in a really nice way. Rum is always so tropical, right? Like it's the first booze of America because it was made in the Caribbean and George Washington who

never went anywhere the president and slave owner and he never went anywhere except he went to Barbados once with his brother he never went to a foreign country like he never went to Europe or anything which I this was spring break when he was still in college. Yeah, and um he And that's when it was all about rum and then when they started to settle the interior a little more That's when whiskey took over in America Because I think you'll find everybody says like I quit drinking and people go do you want to drink and I'll go I've given Up the demon rum, which is something no one said in a thousand years

Sure, but everyone knows what it means. But in the 18th century, rum was king. And then by the 19th century, that's why in every cowboy movie, they order whiskey always. Although, wouldn't they order mezcal or tequila since they're in the West a good deal of the time? That's a good question. My understanding is that the... I'm'm gonna be clear, is a tenuous understanding in best. My understanding is that the story of Johnny Appleseed is a story of a man who made it possible for people in the West to have alcohol

because people drank hard cider and Apple jack all the time. I didn't know that. Apples were exclusive. Johnny Appleseed is not a story of a man who planted apple trees so that people could eat apples. People did not eat apples. They tasted bad. They made them, there were just a thing

that had enough sugar in it that you could turn it into alcohol Yeah, I think that's the story of almost everything in this country Yeah, it's very rare that someone actually like oh, let's promote health. Mm-hmm. That's not really happening although I mean there is a Kellogg breakfast cereal which is very focused on the most important qualities of health, which are of course vegetarianism and bowel movement. And sure. Yeah.

Kellogg's breakfast cereal went up the butt at one point, right? Is that a my... I think you put it in your butt. Yeah. I think you could, certainly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I have.

If that's your question. I mean, just try and stop me. Are we judging me Are you gonna legal some of that? Oh gator? Yeah. Oh, it's choco gator time. How is the choco? I'm gonna have a bite I have a little slice of tail. Uh-huh. I hope you guys don't mind I took the tail And I'm gonna have it say hefty solid chocolate gator with real scale. He's a very hollow. Is it it? No? Oh, no, you're right- It's not hollow, is it? No, oh no, you're right, it's not hollow. I'm sorry.

You know they get those Easter bunnies and they're fucking hollow and you're like, what? Yeah. I have to eat a very small piece of this so that I don't. Oh, right, yeah. But I'm never afraid to eat a chocolate gator. No, me neither.

You can really taste the gator. Mm. You can. Florida goes bananas. One thing I love, of course, is buying tourist schlock everywhere I go. My wife really has to put the brakes on me because I will buy, I don't know why, but I love stuff like that. I mean, I have fairly decent taste as a man.

I was going to say, you know, I've met you. I think of you as a tasteful man. I've met your wife. She's a tasteful woman. She's a classy lady. She's very, very classy indeed. And would never dress down or anything like that. But when she sees me buying like epic amounts

of crappy lights. Did you like buy these at like a roadside stand? I didn't, but you could. I bought these at the airport because Miami airport is an absolute zoo. And they had a gigantic gift shop that had an astonishing variety of rum cakes and chocolate gators, more than you could imagine.

Do you have a prized piece of tourist crap? Do you have a favorite piece of tourist crap? Thank you for asking. I have two. I have a Michelangelo from Lawrence that looks nothing at all like the David, but it is the David, right? But his head is kind of too big and it's poorly made.

You've indicated roughly 10 inches instead. This is a sizable... Oh, it's the size of a formidable chocolate gator. Uh-huh. No, it's about yay. I would say. Let's say six to seven-ish. Six to eight, yeah.

You know, not too big. Right. Right. How big though? It's about yay. I would say six to seven. Six to eight, yeah. You know, not too big. Right. Right. How big is the dick? That's what we all want to know. How big's the hog on my Cangelo? And then we were in Pisa, I think on the same trip, and I bought, we went to the Leaning Tower,

which is just fantastically awful. And I mean, it's beautiful. It's an astonishing Renaissance building. But like, it's awful at being straight. Well, it they've cemented it so that it isn't going to fall. I mean, clearly for centuries, it was going to fall or become right side up and ruin all the tourism in the area. Right. I took a picture doing this, which everybody does. You must, you must. People all take a picture of it holding it in their hand. And then the other one is I'm tilting, you see, because I'm... Right.

And so the tower was great. They wouldn't let you go to the top anymore, which of course they did for centuries. As you know, Galileo famously did an experiment from the top of the tower. So, but next to it was a row of schlock. And when I say it was the greatest schlock I've ever seen, there were like full size busts of Caesar Augustus.

Wow. Centurions, every conceivable manner, taste was no barrier. And it's called the Field of Miracles where the training tower is. When I bought my friend Richard, Jesus's hand, holding the tower and the little cathedral that's near it and a pen because it was a pen holder and it was the field of miracles

and it's literally hand. How did we know it was Jesus's hand? Well, because it's Italy. Sure. You don't really ask that question. Well, because at night it faps. Right. But it only faps to the holiest. Yeah, yeah. Well, because at night it faps. Right. But it only faps, you know, to the holiest.

Yeah, exactly. And that was superb. And I gave it to him on his birthday. And of course, he was chuffed beyond measure. But we bought a small leaning tower. So we went back to the end. And the reason I bought it was it plugged in European socket, right, with the two thingies. You turned it on, and there was a light inside the tower. That was the exciting part. So we drove back to our hotel. Well, just as in real life. Right. And I said to Jennifer, my wife, I go, this is so exciting. I can't wait to turn on the tower, you know. So I plug it into the wall and we're talking and we're eating and whatnot. And

then there's just, she goes, what's that terrible smell? And it had caught fire and it was made of plastic, you see, and the bulb was far too bright. And so it was the black smoke billowing in our hotel room. So that was my favorite. And I've got it in my closet still, I kept it. That's how you know they've elected a new souvenir pope. Yeah, I've never plugged it in.

Yeah. Then it was the black smoke that tipped me. Right. So it's the red smoke. They have an elected news over here. I've kept it in my closet, and it still lives there because I love it so much. I can't just part with it.

I feel like tat isn't what it could be. You know what I mean? I feel like 2024, you really got to be in North Korea to get real garbage tourists. Well, yeah. I mean, Florida, good. Mexico, sort of awesome. Japan, I mean, the places I've been recently.

India, I was in India about five, seven years ago. And there was some, the Chachkis there were just to die. I mean, we went to the gift shop at the Chamahalla Museum. And every manner of psychedelic Vishnu's and Ganesha's. So, like an elephant god with 17 legs and arms, but in bright green, red, orange, purple, and then white up ones. I was losing my mind in this gift shop and the guy was writing everything we bought down

longhand on a piece of brown paper with a grease pencil. Like it was 1933. And that excite, I kept that too. Because it was so exciting. Yeah, so I gave my friend Jim, he has MS and he's in a care facility outside of London. And his psychedelic Ganesh lives next to his bed, which I really am proud of. My mom, when we're in Mexico. Great name for an album too, by the way. Sorry, I just.

There are like specific things. When I went to Mexico City with my mom, there was like specific things that she wanted to bring home. And like my mom is, you know, my mom has a master's degree in Latin American studies. Like you'd think that she would want to bring home books about the Mayans that are only in Spanish or something like that.

You know what I mean? She was a conservator at the Mexican Museum. You'd think she would be bringing home art or something. But what my mom wants to do is go to the market. She wants to buy those kind of woven plastic tote bags. Sure. She wants and then in... I have one of those. Well, they're great.

I got a couple of them. I brought some home. They're fucking tremendous. She wants Spongebob wearing the jersey of a local soccer team. Those are good. But like the thing, she will fill that bag with a particular kind of like Candied plum that she likes and then just a jug of mole And then my mom truly believes in her heart that anything

Can be brought home to your house No matter how old you are or how far you are traveling or whatever. Or how much it's liquid. You're going to say mole? Yes. Okay. And so she will, I mean like-

You got to just portion it out in those little shampoo containers. Like the mole- 63 little two ounce containers. You're buying it in like the paste form, you know, it's not like a it's not a full liquid, but it would destroy everything on the airplane if should the thing it's in break. Yes. And like my mom truly just my mom would bring home like the the Elgin marbles or whatever. No, it'll be fine. Yeah, I'll wrap it up in a paper bag. That's what my mom's, her theory of that is anything.

Anything. Did she get all that stuff home? Yeah, every time. Wow. Every time it makes it home. And she's had to like, like my mom is not a careful person. So like one time she went to Haiti, I think it was Haiti, and she lived there for like two months or something, three months, I can't remember. She was working on this

very important project to digitize records of the Caribbean slave trade from these books that were from the 1500s and 1600s that had been saved by these priests who buried them in their backyards so fucking baby docs, book burners wouldn't find them and shit, right? This whole thing. She had to talk someone into letting her out of the country because she didn't have $5 for an exit fee.

Oh no. because she didn't have five dollars for an exit fee. Like this is the level of not careful my mom is across the board just across the board. And she's an academic. Yeah well I don't know how my mom only through brute force of intellect does my mom make it through any given day. Wow. Like it is true madness my mom's relationship. And my mom would go anywhere. Like, I mean, this was right after Duvalier fell. I was gonna say, clearly, and Haiti's not what we would call a stable state in those days.

No, my mom's just a white lady wandering around in fucking Haiti. I assume she speaks French as well as Spanish. Yes. She was, apparently she was a French major in college, although I think she only barely graduated from college. And most people in Haiti speak French. Everybody speaks Creole, but most people speak French. But to her, this is nothing. One time, my therapist said to me, she's, I had told her this thing about when

I was like eight or nine, I went to Mexico with my mom. We went to Chiapas, which is the southernmost part of Mexico. And there had just been a rebellion there, relatively peaceful rebellion, but a rebellion. Subcomandante Marcos had just led the huge march to Mexico City and stuff. We went there, and just me and my mom in the fucking jungle. And the thing that I remember is we were in San Cristobal,

which is the city, you know, a beautiful like colonial city and We met these people who were in town to go to the dentist Because there's a dentist in the city and not elsewhere made made perfect sense. They said you should come visit us We're like, okay. Well, where do you live? And they're like, well, take the bus to this stop and get off and walk. We're like, okay. So we went to this stop, you know, it's like three hour bus ride or something outside of town, stopped. And we said, oh, where's this blah, blah, blah village? And the bus driver goes that way. So we just like walk down this road for three or four hours. And then it's dark. It's like dark.

It's like a mud road. Like it's not a road road. To be clear, it's like a path, a large, a largish path. And we're like walking down this. And we had to talk. We finally, we met this German guy who let us stay with his Germans. He had some Germans that were on like a tour. And they were staying in one of these kind of like, like if you've ever, if you've ever seen like, like the kind of building that USAID builds, like it's just like a featureless concrete, like no, no other quality, no, no door, just a frame, like sort of like the thing that the barbecues would be under at a public park. We slept in one of those and then... This is your mother.

Judy. Just Judy and me. I'm eight or nine years old. Were you complaining at all or were you just used to this by this point? I didn't know that this was something that you complained about, I don't think, at the time. And so we went, it was, and then we didn't have any money to get back and we ended up riding in this van for a long time with this guy named Ray. That's what I remember, his name was Raymundo, because he was called El Rey de la Selva. And it was full of Spaniards. Ray was Mexican, but the van was full of Spaniards who were there to go to Bonampak, which is

a, like a, you know, a big ruin. And I remember the Spaniards just wearing, just putting on so much cologne and perfume and smoking in the van. And then we would- So there's no breathing in the van. Yeah. And then my mom, again, didn't have money to get us back. Like, we came back.

Like, I don't think that she had to, like, sell her body or... Because I was around most of the time. Like, I have no idea how this... And my therapist had to be like, you know this is an unusual experience So she didn't have like plane tickets or a hotel room or we had it when we got back So there was like part of it where there was a plan right then there was part of it where there wasn't So we had we had round trip plane tickets for sure

Okay, like I would we didn't have to walk home. And there was a part where we were staying at this like bed and breakfast that was run by this famous archaeologist woman. Or maybe she was a, what do you call that when you study people and their cultures? Anthropology. Anthropology. You might have been an anthropologist. Her name was Trudy Bloom. So we were staying at her place. She hated me. And we were there for a week. But then this other part was another week to two weeks where we were sleeping.

I remember sleeping in a lot of hammocks. Was your mother studying anything while she was there? Was there a reason to go? She was in grad school at the time, I think probably, but she wasn't like, it wasn't like a research trip. Why did the anthropologist hate you? Because I was a child. She was a mean old lady. I was a child. She was a mean old lady. But I remember a big thing was that it was cheaper. I don't know what it made sense at the time because my mom told me it made sense. But instead of you couldn't drink the water straight if you're not from there. And so, and it was before the spread of bottled water. So, but we couldn't afford to just buy sodas all the time. So we were buying Jell-O,

making the Jell-O, but drinking the Jell-O juice? Okay, sure. That's fun, actually. making the jello but drinking the jello juice? Okay. Sure. That's fun, actually. Is that? I mean, when you're a kid, what do you want more than drinking jello juice? That's like one of those things where like the apple tree is going to grow out of your stomach, like you're going to have a jello inside of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, this is my... Are you interested at all in Mexican archaeology and anthropology at this point or did... You mean as an eight-year-old? No, as you now. Me now? Yeah, it was pretty cool. Yeah.

Oh, okay. No, yeah, for sure. Yeah, no, I took my mom to Mexico City on that trip. We had a great time. We went to the archaeology museum in Mexico City, which is un-fucking-real. Yes, it is totally unreal, but I'm into Mexican shit. I'm less into ancient Mexican shit probably than contemporary but like yeah, it's pretty great. I mean You know, I'm I ain't again and I'm for it. But it is like my children have a hard time like Like driving to Lake Arrowhead, right?

Like I was we went to we were trying to get everybody to go to lunch and I mentioned it to my therapist the other day I said I was talking about how hard it is to get my children to go to lunch together and she said and how hard it is to get my children to go to lunch together. And she said, and you rode the bus to school starting in second grade. Mm-hmm. Because my parents would just wait at the bus stop, bus stop.

I'd get on the bus, regular bus, and go to school. And I'm, yeah, I don't know. It's a, it's a. Bohemian, I think, is the the word Bohemian is a fair characterization. Yeah, bo bohemian neurodivergent semi impoverished highly creative Real variety of different vectors going on. It's pretty good. Yeah, pretty good mildly neglectful overall pretty good

Yeah, I would say there's that mildly neglectful part. When something momentous happens to you, like you have to climb, the biggest thing I remember is there was a very wet log over a very rain soaked river that we had to walk across in the dark to get to the building. Where you could die and be swept away. river that we had to walk across in the dark to get to that building. And be swept away. Give us a call at 206-9844-FUN or leave us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Just record on your phone and email it to us. Here's a person who's done that.

Hello Jordan, Jesse, Stephen Ray Morris and guests. This is Bailey calling from Florida. I have a momentous occasion. It is about 16 years old but relevant to your most recent episode. I was the Rat King in the Nutcracker two years in a row in high school. I did ballet for 12 years. First year in the Nutcracker as a child. I was a mouse by the time I graduated I was the mouse queen have a great day. Bye. Did you know that there's a hierarchy of Mouse kings and queens of you you have to work your way up. We learned this from a recent Oh, you mean in the ballerina. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because when you're small, you can only play the children's roles. Just like in, you know, in the army, you know, there's colonel and lieutenant and all these

different things. The rankings in ballet are what you are in the Nutcracker. Yeah. There is an improv as well. Oh, really? Yeah. At the top, you're a Jonathan Winters. At the bottom, you're just an aviciate. We think that we all have a small brand behind our left ear.

I can't really divulge too much more than that. Can you say where you are in the hierarchy? Oh, yeah. Yes, and I can so say that. This guy knows what he's talking about. Yeah. That's an amazing story that you just told. You guys taking UCB 201? UCB. We were in Monterrey, on Halloween, and went to the museum there. And so I'm blanking on his name, of course, I should have looked it up on my phone.

Maybe our listeners can do it or Stephen Ray Morris, the man who designed the Mexico City 1968 logo, you're probably too young for that, but I was like seven. And he's still alive. Enormous display in this museum in Monterey. That really super 60s, super graphic, you know. Yeah. With Mexico and the colorful letters and then a giant mirrored ball and an enormous globe. And like, it was just superb. And we had lunch at the museum and whatnot. And it was really good. And

yeah, I took my wife to Mexico City for her birthday last year. We went to the archaeological museum and she knows I'm obsessed with it, right? And I've been studying it since I was a little kid. After an hour or two of finding out the mayhem with which the medieval Indians, the inhabitants of Mexico lived, I was like, let's go eat. And she's like, you're breaking this off? And I'm like, I am. I've had, I am.

I am, I've had enough human sacrifice and bloodletting through my testicles for one day. Yeah, they really, there was like a, there was a couple hundred years towards the middle end there where they really went apeshit. Like it's a window, it's in a place, in a time, but it's fucking wild. Yep. The Spanish who have nothing to brag about, of course, as colonizers. I'm putting it mildly.

The Spanish did okay on the slaughtering front. Yeah, they did all right. They were mortified. Do we still call them Aztecs or are they Mihica now? I don't know, whatever. But the Aztecs, the keeping people in cages and eating people and stuff, I think really put the fear into them. And when they got to the pyramid and saw what was going on at the top of the pyramid and the inner sanctum sanctorum, then they, I think think had a complete meltdown. My 10-year-old was talking to me about, my 10-year-old's completely obsessed with basketball. And she started- Ah, the hoop game.

Indeed. So she starts telling me, she's like- The whole hoop game. She's like, is it true that the, is it true that the like origins of basketball are in the ancient Americas? And he was like, well, you know, I mean, like, a guy pretty much just invented basketball because everybody was too cold to go outside. Yeah.

But... It was Massachusetts. That said, and nobody knows exactly how the ball game worked. But I was, I had a great time just like telling my kid, well, probably they had giant rubber bands around their stomach and either a ball or an enemy's head wouldn't they'd have to belly bump through a hoop probably we don't know for sure but that's our best guess is they'd belly bump the head through the hoop and then the other team got executed right right? The losing team. Yeah, probably. I gotta say, of the Florida snacks,

coconut cake fucking wins by a lot. I agree, I agree. It's so good. The chocolate gator is really good. The chocolate gator is very tasty and I love the scales. Yeah. But I've been sneaking back for pieces of this. It's coconut cake.

I think the gator is one of those standard, the fun of it is that it's a gator. Of course. Whereas, no, I'm all right, thank you. The chocolate, I mean the gator is one of those standard, like the fun of it is that it's a gator. Of course. Whereas, no, I'm all right, thank you. The chocolate, I mean, the coconut rum cake really actually, now that you've know that the instructions on the back, if you did put it in a microwave,

God, I wanna do that so fucking bad. I've been thinking about that. Right? How screaming would that be? You'd be like, that would have been fucking good. This is not like a fancy product. This is like the finest hostess product that's ever existed. Right, and also it's not a...

Just a perfectly executed... That's a super spongy one too though. Oh, it's spongy. I mean, it's not like a pan for it or whatever. It's not like real thick. It's moist. Yeah, yeah. Okay, here's what I want to do.

It's so boozy. I want... Why don't we take a break? Stephen Ray Morris, would you Google where I can get Tortuga coconut cupcakes in the LA area? And let's just guess what my new habit is going to cost me. It's funny that it has a ship from the history in it because Florida banned the past, what, like a couple weeks ago.

Yeah, I think that's correct. So this is the last one of these. Yeah. Yeah. It's just going to have a picture of Kid Rock on it next month. Just giving a thumbs up. Sure. Shoot a bug light with a shotgun.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. Alright, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything. So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics? Yes, episode 59. We haven't learned about the history of gossip learned about quantum physics? Yes, episode 59. We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have. Same episode, actually. Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters? Episode 64. So how close are we to learning everything? Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet. Oh, we're ruined! No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn. Woo! I'm Dr. Ella Hubber. yet.

People say not to judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun. a pigeon's ability to tell a Monet from a Picasso, or a polar bear's ability to play basketball. Guest experts like biologists, ecologists, and more join us to share their unique insight into the animal's world. Listen with friends and family of all ages on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorn, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Greg Proops, star quarterback.

Greg, is your standup record completely improvised? It is. Thank you for asking. The year before I went up, I do this New Year's Eve in San Francisco, it's a punchline, which of course you will. We love the punchline. And a very intimate club. You can do close-up magic.

I can do my quarters and all those things. And... It's a club so small that we can play it. Exactly. I was gonna say... On a weeknight. I was gonna say, it's a club so small, you can almost feel it and feel good about yourselves.

Yeah, exactly. As opposed to Cobbs, where you're like, so what, nobody came? And you're like, and feel good about yourselves. Yeah. As opposed to cobs where you're like, so what, nobody came? You're like, no, a hundred people came. But there's this whole area where you could throw nickels and not hit anybody. So I told stories like anecdotes and everybody liked that one because it was a little more concise and like not my usual. I tend to just free style as you might have.

So but this one, I showed up at the club last year and I hadn't the slightest notion of what I was gonna talk about. And that I thought was like, I don't know if you remember a jazz artist he's still alive, Keith Jarrett. I would never compare myself to Keith Jarrett. For one thing, he's an almost completely

intolerable person, I think. Let me just say this. Let me just say this, Craig. I think you're almost as funny as Keith Cher. Thank you. Right? And he's almost as good of a piano player as I am. And he did an album in the 70s called, famous album in Sweden,

I guess, called The Kåne Concerts. The premise was he sits down at the keyboard. Now, mind you, he'd been in, you know, Miles Davis band and all this, you know, like he's a heavy duty jazz cat and a classical musician. He just sat down at the keyboard and... By the way, I like, the audience at home doesn't know this, but when you said and a classical musician,

you gestured at Jordan, like Jordan was gonna be like, all right, then he's fine with me. Right? Well, yes, I do not, I do not care for the rhythms of jazz. But if Mozart it be, then lay on good sir. You kids and your syncopated music. Call me old-fashioned. If you can't play it in a harpsichord, it's not music.

Right, where's not music. Right. Where's my clavinet? Music peaked with the minuet. Right. And it's been downhill ever since, the bunny hug and all that. So yeah, he sat down at the piano and he just started playing. So I got to the club and I wasn't thinking of Keith Jarrett. He probably had a couple.

I mean, you figure he probably got a couple. Well, that's the thing. Once you start talking, then you think of things you thought of and then you think of things that connect to the things you thought of and because I did the podcast for so long by myself it um live and I would sort of try to like walk backwards through the whole thing and if someone gave me something I would talk about how that related and then if I made a mistake, I'd play off the mistake. And so I thought with this album, I'll just do that. I'll start talking and see. And of course, it came out okay. You know what? There's editing. So I've taken the funniest parts. I listened to it. I took them out immediately. Put a ride on TikTok.

Because I don't want people to like my work. I want them to respect and fear my work. Sure. You want to challenge people. Are you going to be- Accessibility is the bane of popularity. Thank you. Are you at the punchline for New Year's this year? I am, and I'll be freestyling this one too. Although I have a pretty good notion, over the last four albums, over the last million albums, my theme is always the evil of white people and men.

And then after this, what's happened in November, of course, I think we're all sort of on that tip right at the moment. I don't want to hammer it too hard because I think people are going to want to touch on it and they're going to want to hear what I have to say about it. But I don't want to spend the whole million years on it. It's also San Francisco. So it's not a crowd like if you were in Dayton, Ohio or whatever. You have to take into account that I'm on home turf. I can make, and Jesse knows this, I can make epics, period jokes. So the last four albums are all recorded in San Francisco. The previous several were recorded.

You've got 70 minutes of crazy crap stuff. Easily. I mean, an album I did right after the Giants won the last World Series in 2014, there's a Bruce Bochy routine that's 10 minutes long of me doing the manager of the Giants. Not only in San Francisco, yeah. Bruce Bojji, when you're here with Jordan, and Jordan's a big classical music fan, and then Jesse over there, you wanna,

you wanna give Jesse a chance to get up there and eat some of that coconut rum cake from Florida and whatnot, you know, and by the other day, Jordan made this kind of scintillating cantaloni that no one expected out of him. I mean, we didn't know he had the kind of time. I suppose he wrote an entire book of walks he likes to take. Wow.

Yeah, it's really good. There's an amazing- He's taller than Jesse, and he has an enormous Easter Island head. Monumental head. There's a wonderful video of him telling the, a man who became a stalwart of the San Francisco Giants, Brandon Belt, that he

made the team, that he was going to be a big leader. And there's just this part where Bruce Boche says it and like, Brandon Belt's crying and stuff. And he just goes, you're going to have a beer if you want one. Then Boche retired for two years. Then he went to the Rangers and won the dance the year before, not this year, the year before with the Rangers. So of course I had to talk about it on the last album. I'm like, I had to do a bit. I don't think it's on the album, but I did talk about it. Imagine Bruce Bochy at home for the two years that he's retired and his wife like, you haven't been home in 40 years, right? Because he'd been playing since the minor leagues, then managed.

I'm like, are you going to sit here all day? And him going, well, my breakfast, I got the cereal coming in the one hole here. And then I put the oatmeal in the two-wood hog. And then I got the sausages. But the Giants' other former manager has turned into a lifestyle guru now. Gabe Kapler, who was manager of the Giants, he was famous before he became manager of the Giants, was famous for a story which may, by all accounts, may have been true, which was that in his playing days, or maybe it was his immediate post-playing days,

he suggested that he really liked ice cream, but he didn't swallow it. So like when you spit into a wine bucket? Yes. Wow. And it was because he was so yoked. I was going to say he's watching his weight. Yeah, he was like 50 years old, 55 years old, however old he is, I don't know.

How about just have a little scoop? Yeah, just... just shredded beyond words. Hey, do some extras crunches if the ice cream's bothering you. Don't spit it out. But he went viral, I believe, last year, after he was no longer the manager of the Giants, but he went viral after refocusing on being a lifestyle guru for a video where he just said, you should just walk instead

of taking or getting a ride. That's his thing. Okay. Just walk. Solid advice. Just walk. Just walk. Get the exercise.

And for the poor, almost unavoidable. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Well, hey, we should hear about kind of where we can listen to Greg's new album, but I do want to hear from Stephen Ray Morris. I do want to hear the price of these coconut cakes and what you thought of them, because you got to have a bite of the cake and the gator during the break. Jordan, hold on.

Should you and I be... Greg obviously knows what these things cost, at least at the Miami Airport. No, I'm not ashamed I I think they'll find the price is fair, but substantial. Okay Well, I really loved it and I'm mad that my father never gave me this one I've been to visit out since I said something to take up at Thanksgiving What do you think you're what do you think you're putting down for for one of these now this what we're looking at here Is a quarter pound cake. This is a four ounce. Okay, so I think-

That was the travel size from- Maybe my guess is that you have to get these at some kind of specialty store in LA. A Florida store? I don't know. I thought you were about to say a florist. A florist. Yeah, I'll take a bouquet of cakes, please.

A boutonniere. There's definitely a store that sells, just like, I mean, look, how many times have we discussed the Brazilian goods store that was near my house on Valencia Street in San Francisco and was definitely a drug front? Yeah, there is a, there's probably a Florida store in Glendale.

OK, so I'm going to guess, I'm going to guess, in LA, I can probably get one for a premium. And I bet it's costing me $8. OK, Stephen, hold on. Did you do find a four ounce cake? Is that what the exam... Is that what we're pricing to the stores? Well, on the website, they have 16 ounce.

Okay. That's a full pound. Yeah. Take it. Yeah, they don't sell... Maybe because it's too small. Yeah, these are the tourist ones. Okay.

So let's talk about a full 16 ounce, one pound cake. Which is four times as much cake. Four times as big of a price. And this is something that maybe... and maybe you probably get these shipped. Are these probably? No, you can buy directly from the Tortuga cake website. Oh, really? Wow, OK.

From the Tortuga himself. Quantum Costa Costa. Hold on, Greg. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're guessing. Oh, we're guessing. I didn't know. And there's Golden Bakery, which came up

for searching for this. And this is local? So it's on Sunset. Oh, OK. Can't confirm, but according to their website. I'm going to call. I'm going to guess for the full cake, you're dropping $30?

$26? Oh. Yes. Oh. Steven, I didn't even get to guess! Oh my god. What were you going to guess? I was going to guess.

What did you say it cost? $26. That's what I was going to guess! That was my guess on the nose! I'll cut it and then we can retake it. Man. Greg, what were you going to guess? Well, I bought it, so I would have sat around there.

As I recall, I mean, you know, not overpriced, but not exactly a bargone, but the delight that it gives you, and imagine a whole pound of it. And then, like they do the serving suggestions, some fruit, some maybe some berries. Yeah, the ice cream. Berries. Oof. Right?

It's good. This really does. Heat it up a little, right? I'm a Tortuga man now. I would, instead of the microwave, I would put it in the oven for like 10, 15 minutes at like 150 or 225, somewhere. Just to warm it up. Would you say that this blends the fresh, tangy flavor of Florida's liquid sunshine for like 10, 15 minutes at like 150 or 225.

Just to warm it up. Would you say that this blends the fresh tangy flavor of Florida's liquid sunshine with the smooth and award-winning five-year-old aged Caribbean Tortuga Gold Rum? I would say that. In fact, I'm gonna say it constantly. Steven, that's what I was gonna say, right?

Yes, perfectly. And that it was $26. And it was $26. I'm gonna cut this and put it in earlier. Yeah, yeah. It's good fun. Yeah, no, I mean, you know, there's those people who are like, you know, Mountain Dew, Taco Bell people,

like, this is my thing, I got the beach towels, I got the tattoo, I'm a Tortuga man now. I know a person who's Taco. This is my whole deal. Can I check in with a couple of things that are on this label? Just real quick before we wrap this thing up. First of all, product performs best if consumed within 12 months of purchase.

Well, it's performance I think you'll find lags if you let it sit on the shelf for two years. And if it's been drinking. This isn't one of these gifts to you by the way that you're supposed to like keep. In my opinion, when you give someone a Tortuga cake, I was really chuffed to see that you guys crocked them up and immediately ate them. Couldn't tell me. Because you know, it's the, oh, I'm gonna put it in my thing.

No, no, no, this is an airport cake, eat it now. Right. It says the following characterizing ingredients are present in Tortuga cakes at less than 1% by weight. Okay, such as? Impressions of great stars of the past? One of them is Golden Original Bourbon Butter Cakes. Okay, I see. But these are different types of cakes. Coconut cakes contain coconut flakes and natural and artificial coconut flavor. Those are the characterizing ingredients.

Well, I'm certain this is all some sort of technical, you know, cake jargon that they make them put on the back when they say product. This really does perfectly capture the essence of tropical paradise with each moist delicious bite. I felt pretty gravy. It also had that awesome sort of, because it's got fake rum, fake coconut smell, it so makes all of us key in immediately to, hey, this is kinda islandy. Yeah. It's five o'clock somewhere, right?

Zicky, zicky, zicky, zicky. Ooh, I'm feeling this feeling in the back of my head. One love. Yeah, right? Oh wait, this is the acid I took before we came here. Bay Area, Greg Proops is gonna be at the Punch for New Year's Eve. You could hardly have a better time to spend your New Year's Eve at the Punchline with

Greg Proops. That's true. Do you do a countdown or is it a... Do you do a... Oh yeah. Okay. The whole enchilada. The countdown's on all the albums. I feel like I probably saw you on a New Year's Eve.

The Punchline used to put on a huge New Year's Eve show at the Palace of Fine Arts. Yeah, I did that one a bunch of times and I was always the headliner. One year it was with Maria Bamford and Patton and Todd Berry. I think I went to that one. And that one was pretty low key. That is a lineup that I remember very well. I was about to say I think I saw Todd Berry there. Every San Francisco bloody comic. One with Fitzsimmons and Pasein, one with,

I can't remember who else. We there but there were years beautiful venue I saw the tubes them in 1977 used to go there to see the spike and Mike Festival of animation that's good place to see a movie and then of course yeah I've been at the punchline I know cobs I played every set New Year's in San Francisco since 1987 except maybe one year. 85? Yeah, a long time, baby. We're coming to San Francisco too, by the way, at SF SketchFest. Judge Sean Hodgman at SF SketchFest and free with ads.

Greg Proofs' brand new album is available on what? What are we talking about on Bandcamp? Go to asprefrest.com. Oh, yeah, I know. It's on all those. It's on Spotify. If you go to GregProofs.com or you go to the link, or just write Purple Shasta Raccoon, it's on every goddamn platform, Spotify and all that jazz.

You're going to have a great time. And it streams now. Everything's streaming, so it's pretty easy to download and stuff. And it's fun. It's like an hour long. You can listen to it in your car or whatever on your phone. You guys haven't, but other people will. I listened to it on Apple Music on the way over.

I think I just hear you did, see? So there's- I was listening to the new Kendrick Lamar album. It all gets a great deal. Totally improvised. Six of one. Six of one, buddy. Yeah, no, it's good fun. And I think it's pretty funny. And at the end, I count down the New Year with the crowd. The last three or four albums, I've counted down. And I always say to my producer, Ryan, and he's like, I like that part. And that Ryan, and he's like, I like that part. And that's how Ryan talks. I know. No, I like that.

That's Ryan from AST records. I like how, um, you know, I like how you can, you know, cause he gives us, you know, sort of a sense of place. Yeah. Yeah. Unique. Also, we used to put things like recorded live at San Francisco's punchline, you know, which I always enjoy.

We've sort of left off on that. There's no more graphics because nothing's on a box anymore. So it's on the tiny little thing on your phone. So you can't see it anyway, you know. Shears was recorded in front of a live studio audience. Exactly. And the Flintstones, Kevin Caioca's from San Francisco's great joke.

There's a laugh track on the Flintstones. Does anyone think the Flintstones was actually recorded in front of a live audience? And then Kevin Cadiocas' other greatest joke. Have you ever noticed when there's a ventriloquist on stage that everyone in the audience is better than the ventriloquist? Because everyone's like this, oh my God, this guy's shocked. That's really good. Always a joy.

I hope we'll see you again soon. It's always nice to see you anywhere other than Adam Carolla's house. I remember that meeting. Yeah. It was like Appalachia with the mafia in the 50s. It was really something else. And Stephen Ray Morris is the producer of Jordan Jesse Goh. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design.

Our thanks to The Free Design, our thanks to Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on social media by looking at Jordan David Morris on Instagram, at Jesse Thorne, very famous on Instagram, at Jordan Jesse Goh-Hod on Instagram. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Music Music Maximum Fun

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