Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Crooning, with Todd Glass

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

This week Jordan and Jesse welcome comedian Todd Glass back to the pod to talk about The Mask, Son Of The Mask, and his fabulous new live comedy event Todd Glass: The Event Of A Lifetime. Go see Jordan's co-author of "Youth Group" Bowen McCurdy at the Toronto Comics Art Festival! Also, pre-order a copy of Youth Group right away!Right now, Nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at Nuts.com/jjgo.Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code JJGO at Manscaped.com

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys. And take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Doe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, something important is going on in my life.

I'm reevaluating all the choices I made between the ages of 13 and 21 or so. OK, that's a pivotal time. Yeah. Did I say all the choices? The Jurassic Park related choices that I made during those times. Right, right. My daughter, you know this, Jordan,

because you were just over in my backyard for my birthday the other day. That's true. We had a great time, and I got to see the movie shed. Yeah, so I have a movie shed now. I've been pushed out of my home by the growth of my children. And so in order to have a place to use my computer and prepare for bullseye interviews and stuff

with no one bothering me. I mean, when you say use the computer, we know what prepare for bullseye interviews and stuff with no one bothering me. I mean, when you say use the computer, we know what you mean. Play Myst. Yeah, exactly. Play... Well, Riven. And Riven, yes. The sequel to Myst, yeah. I'm sorry, you've beaten Myst.

What am I saying? Of course you've beaten Myst. Look, I've... Name a scenic puzzler I haven't beaten, Jordan. Myst. Okay, yeah, that's true. I haven't beaten Mist. I don't know that many. I only know Mist and Riven. Yeah, those are the only ones I can really think of.

But anyway, I got a shed in my backyard. Had the shed guys come build a shed. These shed guys, I don't know if I've addressed this. I fucking love the shed guys. Oh, yeah. I bet I could see shed guys being real salt of the earth types. These shed guys come from way out in the Inland Empire somewhere. This is a two hour drive for the shed guys. That's shed country. The 909, that's shed country. They know sheds

out there in the 909. They come in with this shed truck. Okay. They set up shop in front of your house. There's three shed men. Right. Okay. They pile out of the truck like clowns out of a Volkswagen. Yeah. They come come out they have this whole setup on the truck This is John shed jr. And John shed the third will be setting up your sheds These guys say they're gonna be there at 8 a.m. My boys guess when they get there Jordan 8 They're there. Okay first time I had one of these sheds built We're getting pretty far from Jurassic Park here But the first time I had one of these sheds built, we're getting pretty far from Jurassic Park here, but the first time I had one of these sheds built,

I got two sheds now. First time I had one of these built, it was when the movers were supposed to be coming to my house, and I was like, how am I gonna deal with the movers getting to my house at the same time the shed guys are there? Well, not a problem. Movers didn't show up. Shed guys were there at 8 a.m., just like they said.

Built a shed in my backyard. So anyway, we built a second shed. There's a certain size of building that doesn't need a permit in Los Angeles. So these are what size my two sheds are. And this second shed, we put in walls and we put in a projector so that we could watch movies in there, because there wasn't really room for a TV.

It's a small shed. And my daughter and I, Gracie, have been renting movies from the video store across the street and watching them. She's always been interested in Jurassic Park. For some reason, we had never watched Jurassic Park 2 and 3. OK. And I watched, and I would recommend this to anybody out there who hasn't seen the Jurassic Park movies.

So yeah, I mean, I think we should, Jurassic Park 1, I think, widely believed to be a popcorn classic, but I think 2 and 3, dubious reputation, a step down. I think it's a movie people say you can never really sequelize, whatever, whatever. Anyway, go ahead. Here's what I would recommend for watching them. So I would say, first of all, read Jurassic Park.

And you're going to want to be 12 years old. Oh, sure. And then you're going to want to go to Congo, the Andromeda Strait, all the Crichtons. Pick up his opinions on climate change. It's not real. And then, pass away. Yeah.

That's what we call doing the Crichton. Yeah, so as a 12-year-old, read Jurassic Park. As a 13-year-old, go see Jurassic Park. But because it's such a popular movie, see it at the Spanish language movie theater right by your house, where instead of having surround sound, they just turn the regular sound up really loud. And it's mixed weird because the dialogue is mixed down

because it's in English and they have subtitles in Spanish. I was gonna ask, okay. Okay, so that's step one. Think Jurassic Park is good but not great. Okay, just be like fine with Jurassic Park. Like it's all right. It's like certainly it's amazing to see dinosaurs. You've never seen dinosaurs that good in a movie before.

Then I'm gonna recommend that you wait 30 years. Just sit on that for 30 years, okay. Just gonna put a 30 year interval in there. Audience, are you writing this down? Yeah, then you're gonna watch. Follow these instructions. 30 years. Sit on that for 30 years. Just going to put a 30 year interval in there. Audience, are you writing this down? Then you're going to watch. All of these instructions. Then you're going to watch Jurassic Park 3.

OK, so it's going to be, again, that's book at 12, movie in a Spanish language, movie theater at 13. And then nothing. 30 year span. Sure, there have been many sequels. Yeah, well, I mean, not nothing. Yeah. I recommend watching, for example, the films of Mike Lee and Pedro Almodovar. Yeah, well, I mean, not nothing. Yeah. I recommend watching, for example,

the films of Mike Lee and Pedro Almodovar. Sure, yeah. Right, and we're not saying just sit quietly in a chair. You can see other films. You can start a life. But what's important here is that you take this 30 years to get ready for Jurassic Park 3. Right.

OK. Hunker down. Jurassic Park 3. Right. Hunker down. Jurassic Park 3, of course, that's the only Jurassic Park with William H. Macy in it. That's true. So far, I mean, they're going back. They're making more. I think we all want a return of that William H. Macy character.

One of my most beloved actors. Oh, sure. And most disappointed criminals. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So William H. Macy and, of course, Teleoni. Teleoni. If you want to have a close personal relationship with Teleoni, I recommend having a wife

who did a lot of phone banking for Sarah Lawrence College when she was in school, and one of her leads was David Duchovny and Teleoni. Hey. Yeah, so I've often left messages on their message machine. OK. Were they generous givers? No.

OK. They'd never answer the phone either. But she had to call them once every, you know, six weeks or whatever throughout college. So anyway, Jurassic Park 3, really enjoyed it. Pretty stupid movie, but don't care. It's just a fun action movie that's pretty much fun the entire way through. Now then, once you're done with watching Jurassic Park 3, and remember that 30 year span, one

week later you're going to watch Jurassic Park 2. Of course. A.K.A. Jurassic Park The Lost World, or The Lost World Jurassic Park, I believe it's called. When you watch The Lost World Jurassic Park,, you're gonna wonder why Jeff Goldblum is the star of the movie. Okay, that is gonna be a question and concern in your mind. Not because there's anything wrong with Goldblum.

No, of course not. Just because, is he the star of the regular movie? Nah. So I think this is interesting. I mean, I love the Jurassic Park movies. I own that original trilogy. I watch them, you know, I love the Jurassic Park movies. I own that original trilogy. I watch them. You know, I'll throw on those movies once a year.

And the second one is so weird because like, what's fun about Goldblum in the first one is that he's such a goofy weirdo. And in the second one, they're like, nah, he's a hunk and an action star. He's not, he's a goofy weirdo, but trying to hide it underneath, you know, kind of what he thinks an action star. He's not, he's a goofy weirdo, but trying to hide it underneath kind of what he thinks an action star should be,

and don't work too well. Yeah, well, there's a... It's like when someone has to be in love with Nicolas Cage, it just doesn't trap, you know? It's like, yeah, this is a man that should be stealing the Constitution. It's not that either of them aren't handsome They just have a

Psychotic energy There was certain coffee house drifter fire They look like they're they're looking into another time either five seconds in the past or five seconds in the future What we're not on their level. That's what's fun about watching them. Anyway, I watched Jurassic Park 2, where Jeff Goldblum is the star, has an African-American daughter. Julianne Moore is there. She's his girlfriend.

They just mention at the beginning that she's his girlfriend. There's no romance between them at all. They just mention she's his girlfriend. Like there's no romance between them at all. They just mentioned she's his girlfriend. And then, is that Ben Kingsley is the hunter guy? Oh, it's not. It's a second rate Ben Kingsley. It's like, it's one of those like beloved character

actor guys that like, probably Tarantino loves this guy. So not Terrence Stamp. Anyway, I don't know. It's one of those guys. Anyway. Who's great? The point here is you're gonna find that maybe you like Jurassic Park two and three

better than Jurassic Park. Yes, these are the hot takes. People come to this show four. I love it. I love it, I'm here for it. Great movie. I love them. Because even when you watched the first Jurassic Park,

you were a little bored by all the shots of people looking at awe and in awe at things. Sure. And look. You just live an awe-free lifestyle. You can't relate to it. You're like, I'm not in awe of anything. Do I love Close Encounters, a movie composed exclusively

of shots of people's faces looking at things in awe? Yes. There's no other content in that entire film. It's just that they have to keep introducing new characters so they can walk onto their faces while they look up at something in awe. But Jurassic Park 2, fucking great time. It's a blast.

It turns out what I wanted from original Jurassic Park was for it to just be a straight-ahead action movie. Um, and even the part, even the part in Jurassic Park 2 where it got a little silly at the end, I was completely unbothered by, because I was still really excited. And also, Jurassic Park 2, I was kind of scared by. Yeah, this is great.

Yeah, totally. I was terrified by Jurassic Park 1 as a kid, but in a way 2 is like exciting. Yeah, totally. I was terrified by Jurassic Park 1 as a kid, but in a way that attracted me to it. And obviously, I was such a dinosaur kid and loved it. Sort of like Nicolas Cage. Exactly, terrified, but drawn to it somehow. Is Jurassic Park 2, is that the one that

ends with the T-Rex in San Diego? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a crazy ass ending. Because they already have, people are already used to going there for animal attractions. Right, right, right. That's what the little guy, that's what shitty Balaban says.

That's a guy that's not Bob Balaban, but should have been just been Bob Balaban. Just cast Balaban. He says he's busy. No, Balaban does, here's why he wasn't in that, because he's doing the motion capture for the raptors. Oh, got it. Which is, here's the thing about Bob Balaban.

He can open doors. Yeah. He hunts and packs. Clever Balaban. Okay, that's all. I just wanted to get that off my chest. No, this is wonderful. I love this. I think I maybe like Jurassic Park 2 and 3 better than Jurassic Park 1.

Good. Bill Macy isn't in Jurassic Park 1 at all. You're right. Zero percent, Jordan. No, actually, he does the motion capture for Laura Dern. Yeah, okay, got it. Ha ha ha. Macy is Dern.

Yeah. Um, anyway, remember those little dinosaurs and they all eat that one fucking bad guy? Yeah, Procompsonathus. Yeah. Yeah, there's a little, there's a practical one that's, like, biting his lip. It's the coolest, it looks, yeah, terrifying.

Scariest shit. Terrifying. They kill that little kid at the beginning? Maybe they don't kill the kid. I think they tell you later, the kid's fine. The fucking dinosaur eats a dog! Oh yeah. A dog dies in the movie.

I'm like, they're not gonna, my daughter literally said, they're not gonna kill that dog. Oh yeah. And then they killed his ass. JP2 goes hard. Oh, I see, you say LWJP goes hard. Yeah, LWJP. LWJP. Our guest on the program,

one of our favorite stand-up comedians in the world. Right, that's fair to say. Oh, absolutely, come on. We're not gonna geo-restrict this, are we? No, it's not. Not in Southern California or on the West Coast. World, globe, earth. Around the globe. Hey, you know what?

Solar system. Oh, sure. Sorry, Venusian comedians. Get out of my fucking face. I don't relate to your material. Sorry, Martian funny men. Too many props. Too many prop comics up there on the Red Planet.

So tired of the props. Todd Glass. Hi, Todd. Hi, Todd Glass. How are you? I'm doing good. It's very nice to see you, my friend. Good to see you guys as Todd. Hi, Todd Glass. How are you? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. It's very nice to see you, my friend. Good to see you guys as well. Good to see you. You know, I've never seen any drastic part movie.

Really? Yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation, as you could tell, because there was so... No, no, I'm serious, because there was so much around it that you didn't need to see the movie. Right. So, no, I was... You could tell I was enjoying it, but I realized... You've never seen any Jurassic Park.

I've never saw any Jurassic Park. I wasn't being sarcastic, no. But you've seen Congo, though, you could tell I was enjoying it. But I realized- You've never seen any Jurassic Park. I've never seen any Jurassic Park. I wasn't being sarcastic. No, no. But you've seen Congo though, right? No, what's that? And the Andromeda strain. These are other movies based on other lesser Michael Crichton books.

No, I don't see a lot of movies for some reason. And I think I'd figure it out by now. I think it's the following them has always been difficult for me. When I get into a movie, it's hard for me to, wait, what's this then? But I have seen movies that I've loved, of course, but not that often.

I forget which guy is which a lot. That's a big problem for me watching movies. Movies are so filled with guys these days. I just forget which guy is which. You figure, or you go, wait, I thought... I used to have a joke in my act, so I am stealing from the act a teeny bit, but it was, you know, I used to go, like, in my act, yeah, I have to go with someone that's more,

it's not smarter than me, but like, because I'll be like, wait, I thought she died. And then if you're with someone, they go, no, they're dreaming back to it. And that throws you back, you know, oh, that one little help kit. But if I'm by myself, if I can't ask or whatever. But anyway. If something seems weird, it's probably just because it's a dream. Yeah. Just use that. Well, there's other things too. There's other stuff. Like, oh, he doesn't see her, but everybody else does.

I don't know. Titanic was, even that movie stressed me out. Are there other, so Jurassic Park franchise, nothing. Are there other big movies or big movie franchises you haven't seen? I would say almost. Now, some of them because it's, what's the word, Americana? You've heard clips of them over the years on Morning,

you know, you've seen them in, even if 20% chopped up on- Yeah, baby, yeah. Yeah, you're, is that? But yeah, no, I didn't see Dumb and Dumber until the pandemic. Okay. And I really liked it.

I don't know that Dumb and Dumber is like a touchstone that you have, but it's an interesting- But it was funny, it was know that Dumb and Dumber is like a touchstone that you use half, but it's an interesting... But it was funny. It was funny. Dumb and Dumber is pretty funny. I haven't watched it as an adult, but I remember it. But I know what you mean. You mean like an insta... What do you call it when it's a franchise? Sure, like there are the like,

I haven't seen Star Wars people. No, I've never seen any Star Wars. Really? Not a single Star Wars? Not one. That's cool. I watched The Mask last week for the first time. Okay. Starring Jim Carrey. Starring Jim Carrey.

The main thought that I had, well, first of all, it is completely incoherent. Like, it is abhorrent. Like, whatever its moral values are, are just repugnant. Like, just incoherent and repugnant. Like, there's the one woman that seems like she likes him, betrays him for almost no reason. Cameron Diaz doesn't exist for any particular reason.

Movies didn't have to make sense until very recently. Yeah, I think that's true. It's probably true. But like the whole time I'm watching this movie, I'm just thinking like, what would this movie be without Jim Carrey? Like, I don't love Jim, I'm not a Jim Carrey guy, but Jim Carrey is doing stuff in the movie.

It's not stuff other people could do. No. Like, you could put Robin Williams in that movie. He couldn't do the amount of stuff that Jim Carrey's doing in that movie. And also, there's nothing else in the movie, right? Like, it's just Jim Carrey occasionally being like, oh, fuck, I better do some stuff.

Sure. And then they're kind of working toward the, like, five or six special effects shots that you saw in the trailers. The head bugging at his eyes. It is really. And there's no d- nothing funny happens in the entire movie. Like, it's Jim Carrey doing his stuff

is an amazing thing to see. It's amazing a human being does that. That someone lives with that level of skill slash shamelessness. But yeah, no jokes, no, it was brutal. Now that said, I've also seen Son of the Mask starring Jamie Kennedy. Okay, now I mean, if you're gonna continue with these,

like, the sequel was better, are you a Son of the Mask guy? Wow. Um, I gotta tell ya... Uh... Son of the Mask has... the charming madness to think... Mm-hmm.... that you could make, and again, I saw Son of the Mask before I saw the mask. Again, my child draws me into weird nets.

But there is something amazing about the idea that you could make a mask movie with Jamie Kennedy instead of Jim Carrey. Sure. Especially having seen the first one and thought, they were just like, well, we'll just get Jamie Kennedy to be in it. Jamie Kennedy doesn't do anything.

Yeah, I think he was hot for a second. He was pranking and spanking. I don't know if he was spanking. It's not that he can't deliver a joke or act or be in a movie. He just doesn't do anything. And the only thing that happens in the mask is Jim Carrey doing stuff. Anyway, but there's a charm to that.

There's a charm to it. Yeah. Todd, when you haven't, have there been people who have offered of like, Todd, you got to see Star Wars. We're sitting you down. We're watching Star Wars. Or has that just not happened?

No, I've definitely seen movies. For some reason. It's almost like you forget the names It's like when I'm defending comedy that there's a lot of great comedy and somebody goes name some newer comedians You're like I finally just put some in my phone because I got tired of you know You're in a pressure situation a lot of the newer ones so same thing with this But I have seen movies and I've loved movies, but there's a yeah I mean my guess why I don't go that often is because of, you know, the understanding and following it. I feel like the movie that people...

The classic movie to get famous at someone for not having seen is The Godfather, right? Sure, yeah, that's one. Like Star Wars, too, but The Godfather seems like the number one. You haven't seen The Godfather? Sure, and that's's one. I mean, like Star Wars, too, but The Godfather seems like the number one. You haven't seen The Godfather? Sure, and that's when you get a mad dude who has based their personality on The Godfather.

Yeah. Yeah. Today at the flea market, I saw this coffee table that had a glass top, and it had like a tufted, quilted leather edge around it, maybe nine inches wide for sitting on, I guess. And then there was like a shadow box under the glass top that had three dollar bills and some dice,

three single dollar bills and some dice and like a four by six photo of Al Pacino in Scarface. And then underneath was a drawer that pulled out and had like what I can only describe as a dollar store roulette wheel in it. Really incredible. An edifice to guys who are mad that you have not seen The Godfather.

Speaking of things we are learning about Todd Glass, Todd, I've been seeing you do comedy for so long, I guess I haven't clocked your tattoo sleeves. Or tattoo sleeve. Yeah, I did that, um... I did that about ten years ago. I was in a relationship, not that I couldn't have done it anyway,

but then I was like, when I got out of it, I wore a fake one as a joke for something, like a good fake one. Yeah, you have those kind of like, it's like a nylon thing with a design. But if you have your shirt here, it's the beginning and the end is the only part. So I put my watch over the end of it where it hits your wrist, and then the other part,

my shirt covered, and I sort of liked it. I'm like, oh, I'll go do it. And I just was in Philadelphia, and they did it in one sitting on a show called Preston and Steve. They have, like, tattoo days. They do, like, usually eight listeners. Is this, like, a radio show?

Yeah, but it's a pretty popular tattoo place. Like, they had a good reputation, and they did me in one sitting, and that's all I thought. They're one of the best morning radio tattoo artists. Yeah, they're not the tattoo artists, but they come in, the tattoo people come in and set up. But anyway, nevertheless, it was a good show. So you did it, like, on air on the show?

Yeah, yeah. That's so cool. It looks great. It's a gorgeous piece. Do they call them pieces? You tattoo guys, you call them pieces? I think that's called a piece, yeah. It's called a piece. Nice piece. Are you good? Do you have more?

Is it just that one? No, no, I just did that, and that's all I wanted to do. Okay. You didn't get the tattoo addiction that people say happens. No, no, I knew I wanted a sleeve. I didn't even want a tattoo, like, you know, I wanted a sleeve. I like the density of it. I thought it looked cool. So, and it made me look a little less preppy.

I mean, it definitely does. So... I don't know why you're wearing that polo shirt with the popped collar. Yeah. Oh, my God. Remember, that was a... It came back a little, too. Lime green polo shirt. You do just- Remember that was a, it came back a little too. Lime green polo shirt.

You do look like you could sing for a hardcore band. You know what, I'll take that as a compliment. It is, absolutely. Thank you, yeah. You're one of those kind of jacked hardcore guys. Like, give me some names. You know, like Henry Rollins would be a great example. Oh, I'll take it, I'm in a good mood.

Let me tell you something, you put me in a good mood. I looked at him, I said about two weeks ago, I look at one bad mirror and it puts me in a foul mood the rest of the day. I hear that. My joke used to be like, nah, my friends knew what I want. They go, no, you look like you could almost run a motorcycle repair shop, but you're the owner. Oh yeah.

I'm like, really? You're the serious one. No nonsense. Is that the cut in part? Motorcycle glass, that's you. But anyway. Speaking of places you look good. Come on you fucking guys. That's what you'd say.

Crank those drive shafts. Why aren't you spinning those tires? You gotta, these hogs need juice. These are all motorcycle things. Juice the hogs. These hogs, where's the juice? Yeah. Juice the hogs! These are, where's the ju- yeah. Juiced the hogs, boys! On the topic of like seeing the mirror

and like why do I not look good in this thing? This is something, we all struggle with this. You know, it's just, yeah, you see so many bad photos of yourself. Yeah, most people aren't. You catch yourself in a bad light. It's, you know, happens to everybody. And when you do catch that good view of yourself,

it makes you feel great. I got one the other day. you know, happens to everybody. And when you do catch that good view of yourself, it makes you feel great. I got one the other day. You know in the Target self-checkout line, how there's a camera on you? I looked amazing in that thing. I looked fucking, I've never looked better than I did at the Target checkout.

I've had an experience like that too, with a camera, not always. But where I go, oh, okay, all right, I'll put me in a good mood. Sure. And there's one Panera bathroom too, to camera. Not always. Yeah. But where I go, oh, OK. All right, I'll put me in a good mood. Sure. You know? And there's one Panera bathroom, too, where I look amazing.

My eyes look gorgeous in that clear kiosk at the airport. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. And they're scanning those retinas. I don't have clear. That's not my lifestyle. I have TSA pre.

It's TSA pre. I have TSA pre. I don't have clear money. Is clear a more highfalutin version? Clear is a more highfalutin version. Really? Yeah. It's TSA pre. I have TSA pre. I don't have clear money. Is clear a more highfalutin version? Clear is a more highfalutin version. Really? Yeah. It's because you look so good in the cameras.

They pay extra for those retina scanners. Yeah. Okay. You know, I got it, and the way I look at it, like, there's so many times where I don't really need it. The other line's short. But I look at it for, like, if it helps me four times a year, three. Oh, yeah.

Then I'm like, anything I can get to make that process. I love that there's the amazing thing about the clear First of all, if you don't have folks folks out there if you don't have global entry Give the government all your secrets so that you can get this global entry because then you don't have to wait in line at customs Oh, that would be that's the serious thing. But anyway when you're in the TSA pre you're getting all the actual benefits You know often I find myself ahead of somebody with Clear that's paid a private business. Sure.

But the guy with that business man with Clear, he's got someone whose whole job it is to walk him from the Clear kiosk up to the conveyor belt and be like, yeah, this guy's rich. Rich guy. Rich guy here. Yeah. Dang. You know, I did this a few rich. Rich guy. Rich guy here. Yeah. Dang. You know, I did this a few times. You paid for a liaison. You don't have to be famous

and it's not even that expensive. And a lot of them are older people that maybe have worked there. They know everybody at the airport. Like they work there and they just, they meet you at the curb, they take you up to security. And this is before they had clear in any of that stuff. And then they will bring you to the head of the line tastefully, and then it just makes that just so much better. And then a lot of times they can get you into the club. To the club, yeah. You know what?

Even when I could go in there once or twice, I always like to be sitting out. I never really happy up there. I think, oh, that would be great to be up there. And I get up there and I want to go back down to the airport and see people walk around. There's no Cinnabons up here. What the fuck? Right, right.

It's free shit. You know? I'll tell you what. When I went to Mexico City a few years ago, I bought a business class ticket on Aero Mexico, which is a discount carrier. And somehow that got me access to the Delta Club. Okay.

And in the Delta Club, I sat in the shower for half an hour, which was great. That, I felt like I'd... With the shower on? Yeah. Absolutely. You were nude?

Just sit there, 100%. They got towels for you and everything. It used to be a little more psychotic. Nope, clothes on. Yeah. I'm like, oh. Just got onto the airplane, dripping. What's up?

Hey, everyone. Yeah. Can you stand up? I'm sitting next to you. Todd, I realized when I was talking about what rich guys do at the airport. I feel like I have fewer more indelible ideas in my heart. Fewer things that come up with me more regularly

than thinking about a special you did maybe 10 years ago. And I think about this, every time I park my car where you insisted they pour people back into parking spaces. You know, it's, oh God, out of all things, okay, I don't really mean poor, you know what I mean? It's more of a style. It's a state of mind.

It's a state of mind. It's a thing. And it's weird, I don't know why, but like, you don't see like a lot, it's a little cheesy, you know, you people that, they're the type of guy, I forget what it was, the type of guy that backs into the parking spot. And I even really on paper go, well, they get the hard part done though when they leave. Because I know what it's like. Like, you know when you pull into the parking spot and there's no car on the other side?

Then you could just pull straight across. And then when you leave, you don't have to back out. So I know the feeling, but anyway, but yeah, that's the... Todd, how do you park in a parking spot? Do you think about Todd Glass' comedy special when you park in a parking spot? No, I don't back in. You don't back in. You would never.

No. You're above it. And I don't even know why. Well, probably one of those guys at the airport told you not to, it's de classe A. Yeah, I don't back in. Why don't we back in? Because it would just take a couple extra minutes.

But you have to back out? Yeah, you're right. I don't do it either, by the way. No, you're right. You're right, and probably safer to back out. I don't do it either, by the way. Yeah, you're right. No, you're right. You're right, and probably safer to pull out, you know, as opposed to, like, looking over your shoulder. You can get clipped. Well, I think it's whether you do it before or after.

Sure. It has to be done once. Some people decide, for whatever the reason, I'm gonna get the part I don't like out of the way, which, you know, I get it, but anyway. I'll tell you what, my car, now that I drive an electric car, it has its charge port on the back.

Okay. And so that means when I'm parking anywhere where there's a charger, I have to back into the spot. Okay, so you're getting better at backing in. So now I'm a backing in guy. Okay. I'm backing in all the time now. Backing it in.

I'm not doing any comedy anymore that makes people, I said to my brother jokingly, I don't wanna make fun of any. From now on, my new comedy, I find things that annoy me that also annoy other people. I'm not going why do you leave your dish soap out? It's always stuff like that with me. I think about that every time too Todd Todd Thinks rich people don't leave their dish soap on top of their their sink. Okay, why is that underneath? I used to have a joke saying, you know, like, you know, put the dish soap underneath.

And some people go, what? I like it. You go, well, if you say you don't care, that I respect. But if you're going, no, I have style, that's how it looks good. Really? You would never see a, you would never, you would never see like a, a million. Todd's not buying it. You would never see a million dollar house in architectural digest with a bottle of Ajax

with the scrunchie pad next to it. Why? Why? Who decides whether, but I did notice that, or you put it in a nice bottle and you leave it out. But now my feelings are do what you want. I'm not, I'm not comedy.

This is a new Todd Glass. This is a new Todd Glass. I don't want to annoy any more people. I need to have a bigger audience. So I need to, I go there's things that bother me that bother other people. You don't need to be alienating these don't need to be monsters who put their dish soap on their counter yes let them do it and so now that I'm the I used to have a joke about I don't give a shit I did it for a short period hey guys I don't give

a shit how long you smoke your meat okay I don't care guess what out of the act yes guys in the audience that love to smoke their meat you know I smoked that brisket for let let them enjoy it. These guys love smoking meat. Smoked the meat, fellas. They got it. They want to tell you about their pellet smoker they got recently. Yeah.

And why not? They enjoy it. So what? So I don't... My new comedy, it's all neutral. How long? But seriously though, Todd. Just nice, neutral comedy. Seriously though, Todd, what would you say is the red line for amount of time to smoke

meats, just so I know for the future? Why guys are three hour? Okay, or if I take it up to five hours, is that gonna be any concern? I've heard 13 14 15 hours. That seems like too many hours, but you've heard that right haven't you? I mean, there's meat guys. You know what? I think I think my cousin's husband Alan Mm-hmm. I bet Alan's willing to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning to smoke meats. To start smoking. And it's probably delicious. It's probably delicious. I bet it's so fucking good.

But you know what? I'm coming by at 4 PM. Sure. That's when I'm stopping by Alan's house. Thank you, Alan. Thank you for spending the previous 12 hours smoking these meats for my enjoyment. I'll enjoy these, and then I'll crack wise.

That's how I pay my bills. OK, so why don't we do this. Let's start smoking. Great. Let's take a little break and we'll come back with some nice tender meat. That sounds fantastic. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,

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you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I've supported Jordan Jesse Go directly. Thank you so much for going to maximumfund.org slash join. I enjoy all your BoCo. That's bonus content. Or you know what I learned recently, Jordan? Our friends Ross and Kerry from Oh No Ross and Kerry,

they call it Bon Con. Really? That's fun. That's fun. Yeah, it is. They have a Bon Bon Bon Con something or other. Where they like eat bon bons or something? Yeah, and then they make Bon Con while they're a bonbon bon-con something or other where they like eat bonbons or something Yeah, and then they make bon-con while they're eating bon-bons. God. That's fun. There's a third part of it. I don't remember what it is

Warrens bon baseball Hall of Famer. I don't remember. Anyway, this week's Jordan Jesse go also brought to you by our friends at nuts dot Com oh, we love nuts.com. Oh, we love nuts.com, Jordan. We're crazy about it. It's a place where you can go to get freshly roasted nuts, like literally actually freshly roasted, which is bananas to me, or nuts, I guess I should say.

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You gotta clear out that winter Bush with Manscaped. Jesse, what's going on with you Winter Bush wise? My Winter Bush is clear, my friend. Oh yeah? I cleared it out, spring cleaning time. Clean the carpets and the drapes, my friend. That's right. Yeah, I've used that new 5.0,

it's got these interchangeable heads. So there's one for various lengths you might like. Yes. There's one that's got the skin safe blade so you don't have to worry about getting any nicks or cuts. And I've never gotten a nick or cut. Neither have I. And then there's one, you pop that bad boy off, you put on this one with a sort of like foil panel, and that one takes it right down to smooth.

Yeah. You know what I love about manscaping is I can do it worry free. Listen, before manscaped, I was having all this anxiety. My hands were shaking, I was turning my privates into a world of blood because of the anxiety I was suffering. Because I did not have a safe trimmer and now that I do, I'm whistling Dixie while I'm trimming, Jesse. That's how cool I am. That's how calm I am because I know know that Manscaped's technology is gonna keep the business safe. You're 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGOATMANSCAPED.COM.

That's 20% off and free shipping with the code JJGOATMANSCAPED.COM. Nothing like a little spring cleaning in your pants. Hey, Jesse, before we get back to the show, can I talk to everyone who might be going to the Toronto Comics Arts Festival? Yeah, I mean that sounds like basically all of our listeners in Toronto, Canada and probably Probably all of Ontario. Yeah, I would guess so hey I will not be at the Toronto Comics Arts Festival, but my youth group co-creator

Bowen Bones McGurdy's gonna be there. And they're gonna be signing some super early copies of our upcoming graphic novel youth group. So if you wanna be one of the first people to get your hands on this thing, go and say what's up to Bones at table 306. They're gonna be at the first second booth Sunday, 1130 AM. And ask first, of of course but I would

love to see someone tag me in a photo they get with Bones. That would really make my day. So if you're going to the Comics Arts Festival go say what's up to Bones and get yourself an early copy of Youth Group maybe. And hey speaking of that book that I won't shut the fuck up about another listener let me know that they have pre-ordered the book at Electric City Comics in Schenectady, New York. That's right, founded in 1982. Electric City is the oldest comic store in New York's capital district with over 70,000

back issues, plus books, comic supplies, and action figures. New comics on sale every Wednesday. Electric City Comics dot com. We love to hear about pre-orders. Okay, I think that's it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm Todd Glass, otherwise known as Johnny Colorado. Yeah, he does have one. It's true. He said he had one and he did. Yeah, he had it, yeah. Great nickname. Is that something you've used before?

That's his hard name. No, my friend Scott years ago, he goes, you should go out on stage as Johnny Colorado. And I'm like, I like that. And then it was like years after that, I went, well, John Denver, did he take that from... John Denver is sort of Johnny Colorado. Right? So I think my friend Scott stole it.

Yeah, and then John Denver, of course, died in that tragic accident. Shut up. Yeah, it's true. I will shut up if you'd prefer. Todd, you're our guest. I don't want to impose upon you by talking. Todd, okay, so we were talking before we started the show

about one of the things that I admire most about you is the depth and passion of your commitment to the context in which stand-up comedy is performed. So I think there are a lot of stand-up comedians out there who believe that essential to comedy is being able to do it in the shittiest circumstances possible. You're not a real comedian unless you're doing it on top of a garbage can right at the center of the earth for a group of four drunk mole men who are on a bachelorette party, right?

Todd here, can Todd kill? Yeah, those mole men on the bachelorette party, they're gonna fucking love Todd's act. Laughing it up. But Todd is gonna be there at the center of the Earth, planning out how they should change the curtains for next time. That's what I love about Todd Glass.

And Todd, you are now taking that idea, you've always been an advocate of low ceilings, of long venues rather than wide venues. You've always been an advocate of high quality curtains, specific lighting circumstances, certainly. You prefer guests to have tables, even if they're all packed in. These are all Todd Glass specialties.

But now you're expanding your palette of creating the ideal comedy evening to include pre- and post-show entertainment, snacks, a band. What are the elements of the new, of your new vision? By the way, thank you. Because I'm paranoid, I'm obsessed with talking about the other stuff. But I sort of do what you do. I go, okay, all that other stuff, because I'm paranoid. People come, yeah, we agree with you, but we've heard you talk about it for the last

20 years. So I go, all that other stuff you heard me, I took to a different level. Yeah. Finally. Finally, you kicked it up a notch. Yeah, kicked it up a notch. But I always did care. I realized there was a lot of time that was, you could entertain a crowd. Is outside taking it to the next level? Yeah, but back then, it was changing the music as they were being seated, you know?

So I just go, well, take it to another level. Todd is available, by the way, as a consultancy. You know what? I'm not anymore. Because they never listen to you. It's a weird thing. They get you on the phone and I think, oh you don't have to pay me. I'll do it for free. But it was just taking it to another level. Like having some people get there before the doors open. I thought, okay well there's an opportunity. Some of them are little, some of them are big. Before

the show starts, without it, would it still be great? Yeah, but I have one of the saxophone player outside playing as they're waiting in line some places open an hour before I have Two of the band members out there just swinging not dilly-dallying up there. So the night started This isn't a dilly-dallying situation Matt write that down no dilly-dallying. Okay, where do you want me to write it down on my body? Yeah, okay Do a sleeve do it moment do it momento style Okay, all right, I need a lighter, and I think I need a safety pin. See if you can... You know what?

You don't need the lighter and the safety pin. Okay, I'll just stab myself. Get booked on Philly Morning Radio in your set. Okay, all right, you got it. And then after the show, you know, I try to have something, whether it's hot chocolate and cookies to take home, and then have the band shoot out into the lobby

or the street if the weather permits. Just sort of elongating the whole night. And then I do a stand-up show. I mean, the guts of the show are a stand-up comedy show. And I have a live band behind me. And I realize it is hard to explain. So instead of wasting any more time, I'm never gonna explain it where people listening go, oh, I get it now.

But I can tell you, if you're craving stand-up comedy, it's a stand-up comedy show. But I just tell people, go watch it. It's on YouTube right now. And when you're four and a half minutes and you go, okay, I get it. I get it. It's a stand-up comedy show,

but with just a lot of production around it. You do a little bit of crooning. Am I characterizing that right? Some light crooning. Is it wrong to call it crooning? No, it's fine. I can croon like 20 seconds of a song. So I'll do it and then I'll blame the band

for messing up. That's the perfect amount of crooning, honestly. We don't need more. Jordan and I one time went to see Don Rickles together. And it is possible to put too much crooning into a stand-up comedy show. I'm not gonna say, these are, of course, two separate anecdotes that Jordan and I once went

to see Don Rickles and that it's possible to have too much crooning in a stand-up comedy show. But certainly, those both can be true, right? Sure. Yeah. I do it as a... The joke in there where I get to do it is, and it is true, if you look at old musicians, their jokes weren't always that funny, but the band would, boom, fire right in

with one of their hit songs. So if you'd go, da-da-da-da-da, punchline, and then, da-da-da-da-da punchline and then da-da-da-da-da-da. You don't have to sit in the silence because everybody is enjoying Fly Me to the Moon. I got to tell you this. I got jealous of comedians getting big laughs from OK Jokes.

OK, that's something. We've all experienced this. Somebody tells you about how incredible somebody's stage banter is, and they're not Randy Newman, and you're like, oh, well, that was charming. Right? That's about where it peaks, right? Charming? Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, musicians are, you know, the coolest entertainers.

And I think, yeah, when a musician is a little bit funny, they are regarded as hilarious. Yeah. And sure, when you do comedy, it's hard not to be resentful of that. Yeah, but here's what I did. I started doing some B-minus singing. There you go.

So now that I've got the B-minus singing lined up, I get the adoration that they get for being funny for being a passable singer. Todd, what's your favorite song to croon 20 seconds of? Well, uh, uh, let me try again. You know, let me try again. I know I said that I was leaving. I know I said that I was leaving, but I just couldn't bear to say goodbye.

It was only self-deceiving to walk away from someone who means everything in life to you. That's where I'm done. Beautiful. That was a... But when you have trumpets and saxophone and they follow you and there's reverb in your voice, by the way, I do not sing a lot in the show and I only say this, maybe on a point of paranoia, it is a stand-up comedy show. And I say that because I know what it's like to want to go out and see a stand-up comedy

show. Now I knew, especially when I first started to see it, and it's fun. It's a lot of laughs per minute. Now, you're dancing most of the time. We should explain. I do a lot of dancing. After the jokes, I do a little soft shoe for about 30 minutes.

Sure. You strew a little sand on the stage, and then... Sure. Put some beach chairs out. Like, go to see Gregory Hines. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh. Yeah. But it's something to see. It really is.

And it's, uh, it's, uh, I know, when I go to music, you know, when I go to a music show or something or a concert, I thought, God, I want to get some of this feel. Like, because you can do a lot with... Comedy's fucking amazing. And then you take music, you know, they can end the show with, like,

some sing-along with the crowd and trumpets and sax and a drummer and a lead vocalist who knows how to sing. I mean, you could really take a stand-up comedy night and then just take it, like, so much further in five, six-minute closer. And it's impactful and it's fun, and you could put people in a really good mood. You know, you can really make the night something to see.

I'll tell you what. Jordan and I or John Hodgman and I, we've had a lot of good times on stage. We've burned down a lot of stages across this great nation. But I have never seen a stage as profoundly burned down as the time that this brass band that was guesting on the Judge John Hodgman program

at the Bell House in Brooklyn played the theme from Night Court. Just like, it turns out, it turns out that if you have a brass band and you learn the theme from Night Court by huddling around a YouTube video backstage, I saw him, then you can just lay waste to any audience. I'm sure.

Nothing I've ever done in my 35 years of performing on stage has ever matched them playing the theme from Night Court. I was on Go Fact Yourself, and as part of that show, the woman who co-wrote and sang the Facts of Life theme song was there, and acapella sang the Facts of Life theme song, and people lost it. It was wild. I can't even imagine that. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that prospect. of Life theme song and people lost it. It was wild.

I can't even imagine that. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that prospect. I just assumed it was Alan Thicke the whole time. Co-wrote it. Oh, okay, well there you go. Ha ha ha, I was just joking. I didn't think it was Alan Thicke. Oh yeah, no, I think he co-wrote it, yeah.

I forget the name of the woman who was the guest, but she, you know, gorgeous voice, it's a banger. Who is Winona Ryder? Winona Ryder. Todd is actually, like, Todd has a vision for this. Yes. That's always been the case. There's no question Todd has always

wanted to be in an all-singing, all-dancing, all-nude extravaganza. Malware. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Featuring, featuring, as he said, stand-up comedy elements. Right, yes. I can go in for the close very quickly, Featuring, as he said, stand-up comedy elements. I can go in for the close very quickly,

so we can just enjoy it. So I don't want you to think, like I said off the podcast, we have to plug it all night. I do have a vision, and I thank you. And that is, you know, I've done everything to get every slice of this show in the last year. It's not just some bullshit line, as tight as it possibly can be.

There really is a video. If you look on YouTube You can find the video of Todd glass. We'll link it in the Time I tell people go watch it and come back and then you'll go Oh as I talk you'll be like, oh I get exactly what he's talking about Look like you did that you look like you made your test your test trailer your test footage Look that you made it 200 feet from my did it Hey, we're one of the best experiences in the world at that place.

And I even toured this year without the band because I wanted my stand-up to be as tight as possible. Right. And I really... Just singing a cappella. Just singing a cappella. Just no comedy. Fly me to the moon.

And I didn't want... So the goal was to do a run in New York City, maybe a month, maybe two weeks, to get it to... and have the proper funding, as we talked about off the podcast. I could go do it there for a month straight if you don't have serious funding, like when a play opens up. You know, it doesn't have to be Hamilton,

but it's a lot of money. Yeah, and we want to... we got to get Jason Ziniman from the New York Times there, and we don't want Jason to see a half-assed show. We want all the elements in place, up to and including the hot chocolate for after the show. And so, actually, the hot chocolate was, I sometimes almost petrified the ice cream truck

isn't gonna show. And I really liked the after the show, so I put the hot chocolate, the packets, I mean, I don't do it personally, the packets in there with a cup. You have a staff. You have the band doing it. And then there's cookies, and there to go. There to go. That's to take home.

You put the water in at home. But about a month ago, I said to my friend, you know, I don't care. I go, is there any moment I'm missing where I could make their day, you know, like, maybe something they play before they leave that night? And then she goes, what about when they go home and they're eating their cookies?

You make a playlist of music and you go, hey, the cookies made at home. The cookies make it home from the Hayworth, and people videotape. You know, they sent me something on Instagram, but holding the cookies up, they made it home. So it's just trying to, like, look, it doesn't cost that much more to elongate the night.

And I think the only thing you could go wrong is not having that, like I said, that proper funding to go to New York. So I started the crowdsource. My website is Togglast.com. It pops you right over to Seed and Spark. And there, it tells, you'll see the tears and it tells everything.

This is a project that I believe in, Jordan. It's amiable. If we can put a man on the moon, can we not put a band behind Todd Glass? Well, I mean, we've talked about this. I don't think we put a man on the moon, but. Yeah. I think sometimes Todd Glass put a band behind him.

It's special effects. I've seen this trade. Right, it's special effects. Stanley Kubrick shot Todd Glass's band. Yeah, that's a- He was confessing behind it. Special effects. I've seen this trade. Special effects. Right, special effects. Stanley Kubrick shot Todd Glass' band. He was confessing to it in The Shining. That's all just Bob Balaban and a ping pong suit. Of course, we all know that.

I've been doing this for a long time, so it's not just some pipe dream. You've been doing opium for a long time as well. So, so the pipe dreams and the, they intermingle. They intermingle a little bit and they turn into this. But, um, it's not just a pipe dream. I mean, it's high probability that this show will be successful. I put a lot of fucking hard work into it. So, you know, that's what the crowd source is about.

Would you be willing to get a tattoo on stage? Oh, yeah, of course. I'd have sex with a girl. You'd have sex with a girl? Yeah. Wow. I always think that's funny for me, because it's usually said the other way around.

But it's funny. I'd have sex with three girls if I could sell the show. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, why not? If someone's offering up money for me to do it. Sounds like a hell of a show. Yeah.

To get the money for the show. But there we go. I appreciate you letting me go a little long with that. But you know, this is an obsession mixed with passion. It's everything. Doing the show with the band, it's a lot of fun. Todd Glass has given us so much. Todd Glass has given us so much.

Can we not give him a band? Let's give the man a band. Can we not give this man the opportunity to hire an ice cream truck to come outside the exit of the show after the show so people have some nice ice cream on the sidewalk and some time with their friends and perhaps some new friends that they met during the sing-along that closed the show?

Thank you. That's all. I don't ask for much. And I hate, God forbid, if something happens to me, I get hit by a truck. Can you imagine? A lot of comedians are going to go, oh, why didn't we go in and try to yeah try to help Todd, you know? Yeah, I've tried to hit you with a truck so many times Todd and you're quick quick

But you're not that quick and you're getting slower. I'm not getting slower. Yeah. Well, it's terms I've come pretty close lately. You might not have realized it was me. I wear different masks. They're skin masks, Jordan. Oh, made from the skin of your enemies? Yeah, that's exactly correct. Wait a second, I think I do recognize you. Yeah, see, there you go. I see your eyes there.

I see your eyes there. That's the guy. Todd is seeing it. That's the guy driving the truck. Okay, well if something momentous happens to you, like Todd Glass sends you home with hot chocolate and cookies, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN or send send us a voice memo at JJGoatMaximumFun.org.

Such a person is this that has done that. Hey, Jordan, Jesse and guest. I'm going to say Blair Erskine. Yes. This is Sue calling with a momentous occasion. I was going to get a burrito at my favorite local taqueria. Shout out Taqueria Mi Burrito in Alameda, California and I parked across the street great as I was heading toward it a woman was coming out who had just Purchased a burrito. She was carrying it in her hand a foil wrapped burrito and

As I walked past her she took this burrito and just tore it in half, didn't take the foil off or anything, just ripped the thing in half and just started eating it, like just putting her face into it and eating the filling out of it. It was so bizarre. I've lived in the Bay area for a long time and have never seen anything like this. And I hope I never have to see anything like this again. Thanks a lot. Bye bye. First of all, shout out to Alameda, California.

Beautiful. This is a beautiful island. Easy access to Emeryville if you need to go to Ikea. You know that. Cool island. So essential. If you're gonna if you're gonna live in the East Bay, Todd, you're gonna want access to Emeryville so you can go to Ikea. It's a nice Ikea? Oh, this is a great Ikea. It's got meatballs, the whole nine yards. Affordable furniture. Is there an Ikea without meatballs? Are they taking the meatballs out

like they took away the Chuck E. Cheese robots? I'll tell you, this is America's number one Ikea. If you wanna buy my wife a Scion right before we moved to Los Angeles in 2006. You bought the Scion at the Ikea? Well, I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car,

and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and I bought a car, and. I found myself, there was a period, maybe when I moved into my first house where I was always going for glasses and this and that, and then I realized, uh, it's, I just,

I just realized I can get this stuff other places. I just didn't like going. I bought an Ikea desk the other day, but I bought it from a roller derby lady down the street for $15. That sounds like a good deal. Yeah, that's the way to, if you're gonna buy an Ikea desk, you can buy it from that roller derby lady down the street for $15.

She's nice. Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace? Craigslist. Craigslist. Craigslist. There you go. I worked at an occupational health center in Emeryville. I had the contract with Ikea.

So we only took workers comp. And every Ikea employee that was injured at work went to our occupational health center someone um They had a lot of people coming in there with lingonberry lung oh my god There was a guy had his hand crushed by a baby crib Yeah, it was uh anyways a very dangerous place to work And you would know that if you worked at the occupational health center in emory in emoryville No, this is right by the Emeryville Ikea.

Yes, right nearby. But not in Alameda, this is in Emeryville. This is in Emeryville. So, but you had good access to that Ikea. Well, yeah, I could go there whenever I wanted. Yeah, so ideal location. Well, unless you've seen the injuries. Okay.

When you see the injuries, you don't wanna go. Did those put you off ball pits forever? Yeah, I pretty much never set foot in there again after I saw the guy crush his hand. Yeah, okay. Fair enough. Thanks for bringing that to our attention, Matt. I just wanted to let people know I've had other jobs before. Yeah, great resume on this guy.

Wait, ones you enjoyed? Yeah, ones that I would go to with a smile on my face. Wait, what about her burrito? Yeah, the thing about the burrito that got under my skin, I'm imagining the lady who did the ripping and eating getting a piece of foil in her mouth, and that, god, that fucking sucks when that happens. When you get a little piece of foil in your mouth,

I hate it. You imagined her ripping it mad dog style, like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, I mean, I guess just ripping with hands without unwrapping it first. Was that a detail in there that it wasn't unwrapped yet? Did she say she didn't unwrap it as well? No, well, she didn't mention that she didn't unwrap it.

She just, she ripped it in half, and she sucked the innards out of it. Oh, sure. So I gotta tell you this. Oh. You know, as a native of the San Francisco Bay Area, and specifically San Francisco's Handsome and Historic Mission District,

I have strong feelings about burritos. But I gotta tell you, I love this woman's sense of passion. I guess if you're watching your carbs, and you don't want to get the bowl or whatever, or if the bowl isn't an option, and you just want the innards, I guess, just... Maybe suck them out. You don't want to just ask for a fork. Maybe she thought, right, right, no one was looking.

Because when no one's looking, I will eat in a different fashion. Like a pig, in a pig style? Yeah. The way a pig eats from a trough? I will. I do have a different set of manners. And my manners are very good in front of people. I mean, because I don't like seeing other people eat disgusting but when no one's

around oh yeah and I once was eating something it was like it was a sandwich and I was by my car and then I looked up and I had a mouthful of food it was so so humiliating people were staring right at me I'm like I'm a I swear I'm like a decent person you know just sucking a stain off your shirt. Oh, you know that. Yeah, I'll suck a stain off my shirt if there's no one looking. That's great. Yeah. Sucking a stain.

Hell, I'd fuck a girl. Well, yeah. What have we landed on? It's okay to suck those burritos, right? I kind of love it. Do you think it goes up your nose? Do you think she was getting into it enough? Where some stuff got up her nose?

I hope so. I bet you got a few good bites in though. I have a question. If there was a little piece of asada that went up your nose and it's, let's call it 60% of the way up there. Matt, you see where I'm headed with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going though.

Would you be willing to just send it the rest of the way rather than trying to send it back down? You mean up to the brain? Oh. Take us out of the dome piece. It's already almost there. Yeah, and it would go back down into your tummy, I think. Yeah, and that's the whole point of eating.

Yeah, exactly. Getting food in your tummy. Exactly. See, Todd, Matt knows about this tummy stuff. Yeah, I used to work in a doctor's office. Guys had a lot of jobs. Right there by the Ikea in Emeryville. You know, my big burrito, look, everyone

should eat their burrito where they want. But I recommend they try this, because I think it's a game changer. First time I learned about twice putting it back on the grill once it's made, once it's wrapped, then putting it back on the grill. I guess they call it twice-grilled. It just forms it. It closes it up.

It can open up after that. So much better. I like it on the sort of, like, not burnt side at all, but well done right before it gets burnt, right before it gets burnt. Because it eats so good. Everything's in there. Do you know what I mean? You like the... Do you know what I mean?

You like it having some you know what I mean? You like it having some... You don't want it to be gummy. You want it to have... Not at all. You want it to have some... You want it to be toothsome. You want it to have almost a little crackle,

a little crunch. A teeny bit is okay. Even if it doesn't have crunch, but I don't want it wet. I don't want it sloppy. You know, my friend used to go, I go, you can't eat that burrito. If you wanted it wet, you'd be having sex with these girls to get your show made.

I knew. I saw it in your eyes, Jesse. Um, uh, but, um, my friend, we went to, I think it might have been, I don't remember the burrito place, but it was a really big burrito, and I go, I'm not gonna get there because I can't eat that. He goes, oh, yes, you can. The way big burrito. And I'm like, see, I can't, I'm not gonna get there because I can't eat that. He goes, oh, yes, you can.

The way he had to eat it to prove me wrong, you know, like, full hands around it, so in control. But it was, took a lot of work for it not to, you know one of those burritos that you start eating and it falls apart? I don't want that. You know, some people like it.

That's great. Smoke your meat. Leave your dish soap out. I don't give a shit. Todd, I some people like it. That's great. Smoke your meat. Leave your dish soap out. I don't give a shit. Todd, I'll tell you this. As I said, I'm a native of the Mission District in San Francisco, home of the burrito. And I'll tell you, one of the greatest freedoms I ever felt was that, first of all, I would always order a super, so that I could get the sour cream, the guacamole, et cetera.

Cheese, I love the cheese. Yeah, yeah. So I was a super, but you know, you go into a taqueria and the mission, you order a super burrito, you're getting four pounds of food, you know, this is a full football of food. And when you are 15 years old, it would be an insult to the very idea of food

not to consume all of that in one sitting, right? Like, you order the burrito, it comes, you eat all of it, right? Like, you're 15. And you're like, I won't gain weight or feel bad. This won't do anything to me. But you would feel bad if you failed to eat all of it. Right, sure. Yeah.

You'd feel bad emotionally. I guess I'm talking about gastrointestinal. Exactly. So, of course, that was sort of built into me, was my belief that you should order a super, so you get the sour cream and the cheese, and you have to eat all of it. Okay? But you know what?

Maybe when I was about 17 or 18, my friend Pete, aka Pete Fields, country singer, look him up, talented guy. But my friend Pete, my childhood best friend, also from the neighborhood, the guy's from Bernal Heights, it's adjacent. He says to me, you know, I just asked for another piece of foil and put that, and Pete's bigger than me. Pete was playing football in high school.

He says, you know, I just asked for another piece of foil. I put that in the fridge for tomorrow morning. Gotta marinate the stump. That's a- A lot of good stuff in the stump. That's an insight that, cause I knew about, I knew about how good it was to marinate the stump,

but I just didn't feel in my heart like I had the courage to do that because I felt like it would make me, you know, weaker. Sure. Less of a man. Now I know that pussies are strong. We've all learned so much.

But at the time I associated strength of masculinity and felt, and I associated both of those with eating the entire Super Burrito. And now I know that it's okay for, if it's okay for my rugby playing friend Pete Fields to marinate the stump, it's okay for me to marinate the stump. And that's improved my burrito eating for 25 years or so now. Yeah, should we take a minute and unpack our privilege suitcases and then come back for more, a little bit more enlightened?

OK, first of all, that woman was Canadian. It's a knapsack of privilege. What are we talking about? The privilege, the woman with the privilege, the famous essay unpacking your knapsack of white privilege. I just knew that as a cliche. I didn't really know the source. Oh, it's a wonderful essay.

If you ever want to get a good understanding of what white privilege is, I highly recommend it. I can't think of what the woman's name is, but she's a Canadian scholar, so it's a knapsack. Knapsack, okay. Knapsack of white privilege. Well, I'm learning so much. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la be some spare honey? I'd keep batteries in it. I'd pretend to be a toy. If I had a cupboard in my lower back, I'd probably fill it with spines. If you had a cupboard in your lower back, what would you keep in it? Doesn't exist.

We made it up for Sound Heap with John Luke Roberts. An award-winning comedy podcast from Maximum Fun made up of hundreds of stupid podcasts. Listen and subscribe to Sound Heap with John Luke Roberts now. La la la la la la la la la la la Oh my gosh, hi, it's me, Dave Holmes, host of the pop culture game show Troubled Waters. On Troubled Waters, we play a whole host of games, like one where I describe a show using Limerick that our guests have to figure out what it is. Let's do one right now. What show am I talking about? This podcast has game after game and brilliant guests who come play him. The host is named Dave. It could be your fave, so try it. Life won't be the same.

A Big Business starring Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin. Close, but no. Oh, is it Troubled Waters, the pop culture quiz show with all your favorite comedians? Yes, Troubled Waters is the answer. To show with all your favorite comedians? Yes! Troubled Waters is the answer. To this question and all of my life's problems. Now, legally, we actually can't guarantee that. But you can find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. And I'm Todd Glass, and boy, I'm in a great mood. Congratulations! That's so cool. Is that because you look so handsome in that target security camera? Jordan, do you think it's just that the security camera loves you? That might be. It probably comes because I was shoplifting so much.

Yeah. And then they had to put a bigger light on me to alert security. And I think the light was just great. Yeah, it's just really, we all look really good in one of those roving search lights. Right, yes. From the top of a tower.

Mm-hmm. Right before the sniper shoots the bullet. The energy of brain. That's when we all look our best. Amazing. Yeah. Don't have to worry about your makeup, That's when we all look our best. Amazing. Yeah, don't have to worry about your makeup, your Chiara Skouro.

Mm-hmm. No. I know, I should do new publicity photos in that Tardigan security cam. Mine was Vons, by the way. I know exactly what you're talking about. Vons. I looked up, I'm like, all right, there you go.

Hey, okay. I'll take that. Mm-hmm. Mine was a liquor store. I just looked sort of like a slumped over overcoat. Right. But that's about as good as I get. Sure. Listen, we all have many beautiful things about us. It doesn't matter what you wear in the liquor store. You just look like you're slumped over

in an overcoat. Sure, yeah. The liquor store security camp, not known for its fidelity. No. They have a Klee lamp outside that they turn on when somebody's shoplifting. Sure. That's gorgeous. That's when you get the shop for the gram. Todd Glass, where are you headed out on tour in the upcoming months? You know, I'm doing part of the Netflix is a Joke festival.

Oh. May 12th. Beautiful. And you're going to see the UCB in Franklin look like it's never looked before. Oh, my gracious Did somebody give Todd a budget or is this? Got a ten-piece I got a nine-piece band I'm doing it all so it's it's May 12th It's 7 o'clock at the UCB and then I'm doing some gaffigan dates coming up

but you can go to his website for that and then I'm just I'm doing ten-year-old Tom this year it's this is the the second year and I play the principal and ten-year-old Tom this year. This is the second year, and I play the principal on 10-year-old Tom, and it's on HBO. So there you go. Home box office? Yeah. Great.

Home box office. Great plugs. Too quick. I'm in, I'm out, you know? In, out, plug-in, gabbing. I don't think I have anything else, yeah. When are you going back to Philly? Oh, you know what?

I should give this some love. I did a documentary with Netflix, part of the... And it's debuting on June 12th at the Tribeca Film Festival, and then it airs on Netflix the next day. And I was a part of it. And I was... What is it? It's called Stand Out, and it is about a lot of, you know, comedians, you know, all over the gambit, but gay,

straight, all types of... And just sort of I do some stand up and then I also they talk to me about the process for me and starting being in the closet when I started comedy. And you know what? I would have never thought I would do anything like it and I thought I'd go to my grave with that. So it wasn't lost on me well doing that and being interviewed and being a part of these, like some monsters in standup.

Met Lily Tomlin that night. She couldn't have been any. Wow, oh my gosh. I don't get starstruck, but everyone has a story like that, but she was, it was pretty. But I'll tell you a Lily Tomlin thing. We have this rocket ship, coin operated,

outside of the grocery store ride in the front of our office here. If you're wondering whether when Lily Tomlin came in for me to interview her for National Public Radio, she didn't just go straight into that motherfucker, then you don't need to wonder because that is exactly what she did. She just flipped herself into the children's

coin operated rocket ship ride in our lobby there. I love it. Just, and I'm talking about like flipped her leg over the like control panel just as though she were, as though she were in a ballet. It would be a weird ballet, but still as though she were in a ballet that elegantly. Lily Tomlin, 80 years old or something. She was great and she, it was just, it was a great experience. So there you go. So now that's...

There you go. Gorgeous. A lot of good glass to check out. A lot of good glass to check out. Yeah, and you know what? When Todd checks out a good glass, and Todd in the good glass, then he's happy all day. I... Yes, like the mirror thing we were talking about. This is fun, making connections,

bringing it back around. Guys, this is why we do it. I love this stuff. Show business. Guys, Todd, I love this. Hey, Matt. What? How do you feel about this stuff?

Oh, I love it. Oh, great. There's one thing I love. It's this. I love this. This stuff. We all love this. This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this! Matt Lieb is our producer, Brian Sonny DeFernandez our producer, Emeritus. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to all of them. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com. You can find Jordan and me on Instagram

at jordandavidmorris at jessithorneveryfamous. That's the hot new gram. Todd Glass on TikTok and Instagram. Yeah! Now we're talking. Don't miss out on Todd. Don't miss out on Todd Glass America. You got the chance to not blow this.

Let's not blow this. Go to ToddGlass.com. You know what I mean, Jordan? I'm going to go there. Todd needs money, or he can't hire an ice cream truck to come after the show. This is what matters. These are the things that matter.

Are you mocking me? No! Okay. This is, I wasn't sure in the final 20 seconds. If I'm a... No, it's fucking great. We're serious. We just have, we have challenges with our tones.

We don't know how we sound. Oh, I'm very happy. See, it's a mess, Todd. We have no idea what's going on. It's a continuous problem for us. We have meat in our brain. I was pretty sure that you lost it. I snorted a little al pastor when I was 14.

It's just lodged in there. So long you don't smoke it for too long. We bring the pieces back together. We love this stuff. This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll be back. Love you and kiss you and love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. love you, love you, love you, love you, love you.