Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Don't Lean On My Car!, with Jon Daly

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

This week we present the triumphant return of the hilarious Jon Daly to Jordan, Jesse, Go! complete with discussions of car washes, black pills, and honey baked hams.Come see Jordan, Jesse, Go! live at the London Podcast Festival in London, England at on September 14th. Buy tickets now at MaximumFun.org/events.Go check out all of the delicious options at Nuts.com/jjgo. New customers will get a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more!For a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/JJGO to start your subscription.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Doe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Okay, so I have a big question that's been weighing on my heart. And I usually I would just pray on this, but I figured since we're podcasting, I might as well bring it up. Yes. I mean, a lot of people say that podcasting has replaced prayer. A lot of people are saying that. A lot of people are saying that. And I agree that that's what's wrong with America,

not any of the other things. Yeah. If everybody, listen, if you're out there and you have a podcast, stop the podcast and get on your knees and talk to God. Get right with God. Ask him, what can I do for you? And then suck my dick. Yes. Suck whatever dick you're closest to. Okay.

Here's my question. Yes. So there's, obviously there's, everybody knows this. There's three types of car wash. There's wash your car in your driveway. There's drive through in a gas station. And then there's put quarters in a car cubby hole. Right.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Obviously, wash your car in your driveway. While arguably, some could suggest it's the summer boy-est of the three. Sure. Is comfortably the worst of the three. Yeah, right.

Yeah, your car, you know, maybe if you're like a serious car guy, maybe you're there buffing the wheels, you're spritzing the hubcaps. That's how, yeah, that's the sound it makes when you spritz the caps. But yeah, I think maybe, you know, someone who just has a car for functional reasons probably isn't doing that. And so you watch it at home. You have a special bucket and shit. Yeah.

And there's no wand. They have a chamois made of a kind of cloth, a kind of space cloth maybe. Yeah. Or possibly from the, like a deer's little tum-tum or something. Yeah. You know what chamois is made from? I cloth, maybe. Yeah, or possibly from the like a deer's little tum-tum or something. I don't know. Yeah, I think pre-space cloth. Fawn chest.

Ooh, is this fawn chest? So here's my question, Jordan. Is which of them is better? The one where you go through the chute at the gas station or the one where you put the quarters in and you get to use the wand? Right. I, you know, this is the bougie option, but I do like to go to the gas station.

I like to sit in the massage chair. No, I'm not talking about the massage chair one is out. Okay. I'm not talking about a guy puts it through the thing for you. Okay. I'm talking about you. That's what I like. No, I'm talking about you are cleaning your car.

Oh, okay. So it's either the kind where you put it in neutral and you sit inside while it goes through a tube, or it's the kind where you are in a little cathedral of car washing with a hose hanging from the ceiling and you put quarters in and that stuff. I hear what you're saying. Yeah, I've done all these again. My option, you know. I mean, Jordan, obviously, you just call a guy,

he comes to your house and he cleans everything with a fucking toothbrush. Yeah. Fran Drescher in Italy. All right, all right. Yeah. Solidarity forever. Sure.

Sack eligible. The bulldog's out again. I don't know if our guest knows this, but Jesse Thorne will occasionally be replaced with a character I like to call the bulldog. No, bulldog does not take prisoners. Bulldog goes for the jugular. Loves the hot blood go for the genitals oh really i can't reach the jugular it's too high yeah it's way up there a little bulldog sure when the bulldog's down on his knees praying to the lord or sucking dick or yes some would argue it's the same thing. Okay. Well, let's introduce our guest because we'll get his perspective on this. Car watches.

Yeah, the car watches. Our guest is a beloved comic actor, comedy performer, saxophonist, and podcaster, and a friend of ours, the great John Daly. Hi, John. Hi. How's it going? Okay. So we're leaving aside having a guy come and clean your car with a fucking toothbrush like Jordan does with his Prius.

Guy? I just went out of the thing. Okay. Whatever the gender of the person, Jordan gives $400 to come and personally clean his car every day while he works at the South Park office like Trey Parker and Matt Stone in that movie about how they make South Park. What? Do they get their car washed every day? They get their cars detailed every day. Oh, detailed?

While they're riding South Park, they park it in a special spot. Someone comes and gets it and details it and puts it back every day. Like details like putting racing stripes and stuff? No, no, no, no. A decal? What does detail mean? No, detail like clean between the little crevices inside the car. Okay.

Yes. You know what I mean? Right. Every little bit gets shined and buffed. Right. But every day. Right. Every single day they park their car.

Someone does that to it. They don't even notice. Well, maybe they're germ guys. Yeah. Might be germ guys. Who knows? There's a lot of germ guys out there. But I was going to say I have two other kinds. Well, maybe

I forget if you covered two other kinds of car washes that I've just experienced very recently. Sure, yeah. In my neighborhood, there is a car wash. It's kind of like an auto, it's like an auto shop, kind of like a it looks real flashy and race

car-y. And you take your car there, you give them $250, and they do that super clean you're talking about. Yeah. And they, like, you know, because everyone farts out their seats. Sure. And they're sitting there and just, like, you don't realize how bad it smells. You don't consider the wear and tear of farting out seats. Yeah, seriously.

It's like bleach. It just wears it down. So you got to get that fart. It's like when you have a sunbrella out by your pool, you open it up and it's got those stripes on it. You're like, oh my God, the power of the sun bleached the parts that weren't folded inside. Right, right. That's what your butt is doing. What are farts but the sons of the butt?

Yeah, they're the sons of the butt and you're browning your you're browning your fabric and I've been a car guy for years so I can tell you. This guy's a car guy. What detailing means? We know this guy's a gear head. Yeah I'm a big I love telling people not to lean on my fucking car.

Don't lean on my fucking car man. Hey! Like that's my main thing. Life a quarter mile at a time daily over here. Okay. So the types of car wash, we have driveway, quarters. We have paying extra $4 when you're getting gas. Right. We have Jordan's $500 way.

All right. All right. And then I'm going to blow your mind. Well, this is- Yeah, what's the- This was when I paid an extra $4 for getting gas. But if you go to this, I forget if it was Chevron or whatever, there is a new kind of car wash that is new to me. That is your car is stationary and there is a drone-like just giant robot mechanism that goes back and forth over your car. And I was just scrolling through my phone before to try and find,

because I was just like, oh my God, this is a new... It's like... That drone that's cleaning your car, John, that used to be a guy hanging from a hook. Yeah. And the drone replaced him. It used to be five or ten guys

dancing to disco music, high-fiving each other, doing splits and cleaning your car. Yeah, those guys were super fucking cool. They had the tank tops and the whole. Yeah. And, I mean, if the movies I used to watch in the 90s on USA Up All Night are any indication, those drones are replacing bikini babes.

Yeah. Those guys who were dancing to disco music had incredible jugs. Yeah. Okay, so that's number one. You said two kinds that you know. All those guys who were dancing to disco music had incredible jugs. Yeah. Okay. So that's number one. You said two kinds that you know. So one is car is stationary and the tube moves back and forth on top of the car. Well, that, and then it's just this drop off thing at the racy flashy place.

That was like in a Chevron. This is like, the other thing is just getting your car like super ultra cleaned. I got so excited. Dog hair is a necessity. So that might not be new to you guys. I have an electric car now and I was looking for where there are plugs near my therapist's office and I went into this parking garage over there in Pasadena, California. Great place to get therapy.

I feel like I have more friends who are like- Yeah, I like a nice neutral place like Pasadena. Yeah. You know? Although- You can really relax. nice neutral place like Pasadena. Yeah. You know? Although- You can really relax. I used to get- Think about your life.

I used to get therapy there from this little old lady, and literally nobody mean her. Wait, what happened to her? This little old lady. Okay. From Pasadena. Just a mean therapist? Yeah, just a mean therapist. Okay, so-

Do you know there's that Beach Boys song? Why don't you just shut up? Whoa, whoa, whoa. The Little Old you just shut up? Whoa, whoa. The lady from Pasadena is the song. Don't lean on my car. Get off my car. I did. In the parking garage, there was a thing where if you're going to work, you park your car there and they clean it.

But I don't think a therapy session is long enough. I mean, with my problems, maybe so. Okay, so this is the real question. Right. I would argue that two of the great joys of life are, one, the thing where you put your car in neutral, and then the foam spraying your inside, and it's going back and forth. And sometimes now they add colors to it. I love that.

So there's like colored lights and shit. Yeah. But just in general, it's going flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. that. So there's like colored lights and shit. Yeah. But just in general, it's going. Like that's incredible. Right. It's lost none of its luster to me since I was six years old. Right. But then there's the other kind, which is you get that incredible fucking like push broom full of suds.

And you know what I mean? It's like spitting out pink or blue suds all over. And then you get this, like, fucking ultra hose that blasts everything off of there. I think every time I go into one of those, I literally, I film it now because I'm just like, do you guys believe this? Yes. Like, wow, look at this. It's really happening. I'm just like, do you guys believe this? Yes. Like, wow, look at this. It's really happening.

I'm here. But I think it's also because it's a gauntlet for children to go into that. When I was a kid, I was terrified. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. What's going to happen? So I think there's a little fear, and then you realize, oh, it's fun. Sensory needs may vary, I think is the answer to that. So which of those two, to you you is the ultimate car wash experience? Is it the one where you pull into a bay and the bay has special hoses and you get to decide what spot-free rinse is and whether you want it, whether you're willing to pump enough quarters in to use the spot-free rinse or if you're just going to skip it?

Or is it that one where you put it in neutral and go through a tunnel of love? I mean, I can go. Or a drone. Or a drone, yes. Or a floating drone. I'm not even sure that's real. I think you probably made that up. It's real.

You got to hit my Chevron, bro. No, I don't know. Dude, come with us to the Chevy, baby. Dude, we're going to Chevron to get some snacks. Tell the old boss, tell the ball to Chevron to get some snacks. Tell the old boss, tell the ball and chain that you're working late and come with your boys to the Chevy. Wait till you try this new Haribo. You fucking assholes happen to know for a fucking fact that I'm Sunoco all the way. So fuck Chevron.

Whoa. Okay. Or Chevy or Chev's. Sunoco, is way. So fuck Chevron. Whoa. Okay. Or Chevy. Or Chev's. Sunoco, is that still a going concern? Is Sunoco around? I mean, for the purposes of this, why not? Okay.

Well, that was my childhood thing. And how about this? Sinclair with a dinosaur. Oh, yeah. Good logo. Clever. Clever. Really good.

Because they're turning the dead dinosaurs into fossil fuels. That dinosaur is dead? That dinosaur is dead. His name is Sinclair. He's got a bow tie and he's fucking dead.

Breaking news, asshole. Hey, asshole. What? Why are you being so mean? I just liked the dinosaur. That's actually not commercial. What was I doing? Bet you thought I was alive, but I'm not.

Nope. Okay. I'm in hell wearing a bow tie. I haven't washed my car in a... There's also... Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. There's the hand wash.

Yeah, right. There's the thing where you have the spray, but that's you doing it. But that's what I'm talking about. So the two choices are the one where you go through the tube or the one where you park it in a bay, and then there's the hose that you get, the special hose. That's very satisfying as well. I'll say I don't like going in the bay because I don't – this is what I think of myself. I don't trust myself to do tasks.

Not good at them. I fuck things up. Like if I'm going to a Cold Stone, I'm getting a pre-fab ice cream. I'm not building my own. Wait, so you're saying that you don't trust yourself in Cold Stone? No. I'll fuck it up. I'll just say throw some change in there.

I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. Napkins. When you say you can't handle tasks, you can't even describe tasks that you want handled by others? No. Whoa. Are you ADHD? That's what ADHD is. Yeah, exactly.

ADHD is where you put change in your cold stuff. Yeah. Excuse me. Just put some dimes in there. I can't handle it. Guys, I'm going to text my psychiatrist because she has been diagnosing me all wrong. What the fuck do you want? Maybe you're on Ritalin.

Get off the Ritalin. Get yourself onto some sweet cream and change. Got it. Bad news, Vyvanse. Sorry, Vyvanse. I'm eating change now yeah so I don't I will fuck it up I will

it is more to go in the tube I'm happy to pay the premium to be in the tube I don't know honestly I won't fuck that up if you're filling up the tank it might not even be more to go in the tube. I don't know. Honestly, I won't fuck that up. If you're filling up the tank, it might not even be more to go in the tube. Oh yeah.

I think the tube, I mean, what do you, what do you spend it on the tube? $5, $7. If you're buying gas. Yeah.

Maybe something like that. I mean, you're not getting the, I literally, there's, you go in the tube, you can give them $5 or you can give them $18. And I couldn't tell you what the fuck is the difference.

Yeah, no. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, one's $24. And yeah. And then they have one that's like they scam you with at this one car wash in Los Feliz where they go, yeah, or you could do the $100. And they're like, you could do the ultra. But that's, and they kind of mumble it. And you're like, oh, I'll do that. I'll do the best one or whatever. And then they're like, you do the ultra but that's and they kind of mumble it

and you're like oh I'll do that I'll do the best one or whatever and then they're like you sure it's $100 or whatever and then you're like

no I would never want $100 nobody would want that nothing but the best for you huh Fran Drescher in Italy I know hey I think Fran Drescher was a good idea for her to go to Italy

despite the kind of like union of it all and the kind of solidarity of it all because just because Kim Kardashian is the most famous person and she's bringing attention to the cause in a gigantic way. And it's one of the levers you can pull, unfortunately. Plus, Fran Drescher is passionate about getting DNA tests for wrongly convicted inmates. So it's good for her to talk to Kim about that. Oh, good. Kim Kardashian is serious about that. But they can bond about their relationship with Donald Trump. We're all complicated people.

Yeah. Hey, all of us. Some of that. She's in Spinal Tap. Yeah. You know, she's cool forever. Great in Spinal Tap. Yeah.

Friends Drescher and Paul Schaefer, cool forever. Paul Schaefer, cool forever. Paul Schaefer, definitely. So your preference is just to give somebody the 14 at the place where you hand them the keys. Yeah, so I hand them the keys. I drop the 14. 14 sounds good. I drop 15 and I get the air freshener. You get the air freshener?

I get the air freshener. Wait, the tree or you get an air freshener job? I get the job i don't hang the thing so there's a scent in your car what's an air freshener job um like uh the spritz it's like no i just i just like you used i just met the tree on your thing but air freshener job it's like something you can add to the prostitution request yes Yes. I'll take the new car. Give me an air freshener. Give me an air freshener, baby. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Got to freshen my air.

And so, yeah, so I'll do that. And my car wash, I have a lot of loyalty to because it has a signed headshot of a lot of local news greats. of a lot of local news greats. But Jordan, Jesse, Go, frequent reference, Dallas Rains. Wow. Has a signed headshot in my car wash. Why would I go anywhere else? Massage chair? Maybe I can get a drumstick out of the cooler sometimes

if I'm feeling bad. I want like a 30 for 30 on Dallas Rains. I would too. I just want his life story. But it's specifically, it wouldn't be an A&E biography. American Masters. We mainly do sports guys, but we're doing one weather guy. He's not a sports guy, but he's, yeah, they do kind of alt ones sometimes.

He's a local guy, but in a big market. He's just like, yeah. Where'd the name come from? Just like, how did you find it? What was the aha moment? Is it your real name? Dallas Reigns. It's so insane.

He's like, well, I was in Houston one day. So yeah, that's my car wash of choice. Do you have a, I imagine you brought this up because you have a take. No, it's because on my way here, so because of the paint on my electric car, John, it's a Hyundai. It's a Hyundai. I was going to ask the brand.

Good. It's a Hyundai. What's the Hyundai what? It's called an Ioniq 5. Oh, I've seen these. Okay. But the paint, you're not supposed to put it through the tube. Okay.

Because the flappers could mess up the paint. Yeah. I got a mug I can't put in the dishwasher. Wait, what's wrong with that? Exactly. Well, I think they made a big deal out of it when I bought this car at the dealership, but I think it's because it has a matte finish, so if it gets scratched, you can't just buff it out.

So you have a matte black Hyundai? It's gray. Oh, yes. But cool. I like that. Can you say matte black Hyundai to It's gray, I guess. But cool. So it's a- I like that. Can you sing matte black Hyundai to the tune of Cat Scratch Fever? Matte black Hyundai. Thank you, John.

So- Fair name, Roneo? But this car also- Your favorite musician, right? Because you love his politics. Yeah, it's right for Ted Nugent. Yeah. It's, I mean, the music's great.

The music's great. We can all- It's really good. I mean, nobody's saying the music's not great. The music's great. But it's the politics that can all, I mean, nobody's saying the music's not great. The music's great. But it's the politics that puts it over the edge for me. Just songwriting alone is so good. For me, it's his raw sensuality.

I mean, there's a lot to recommend about Ted Nugent. My car also doesn't have a back windshield wiper. It's sort of like a hatchback kind of car. It doesn't have a back windshield wiper. I love hatchbacks. And that just gets, I mean, you hear in Southern California, windshield wiper. It's sort of like a hatchback kind of car. It doesn't have a back windshield wiper. And that just gets, I mean, you hear in Southern California, it being a foul, dirty desert,

just your car is covered in a layer of filth immediately. Do you think you could sing hatchback wiper to the tune of Cat Scratch Fever? I think paperback writer. Right. And so I was like, shit, I've had this car 10 days and I got to wash this fucking thing. It would have to be Hatcher back.

Because you're not also not at the gas station with the squeegee. Right. So I went on my way here. I went through the one where you put the quarters in. And I had such a great time that I thought maybe I won't even miss going through the tube because I had such a great time chunking those quarters in there and then turning that thing and racing the clock. Maybe you'll get back in that tube one time, you know, when you're really old. Yeah. Just like your last ride.

Yeah, if I can still get it up then. Yeah, because you're jerking off. Wait, are you cranking in the tube? We're all cranking it, right? Are you cranking in the tube, bro? See how fast you can crank it if you can do it before the end? Right. Sometimes I'm just on those wheels and they're bumping.

Right. Do you have hydraulics in the car? People are honking. No, dude's just jacking. Sometimes that pink foam on the car just feels like a taunt because I can't finish. Yeah. I mean, speaking of pink foam, I'm just kidding. I don't know what that would lead into.

John, do you come pink? Is that what you're? I do come pink, yeah. Because of the cat's curse fever? It's not healthy. It's because of blood. For breast cancer awareness. Red mixed with white is pink.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately. John, I wanted to ask you, you were telling us that you have a new stage show based on the trend of TikTok masculinity yes it's Johnny Doyley and the show is

red white and blue pilled and it is a cheeky Brits perspective on American masculinity. So it's kind of, it's, you know, this guy that, you know, I start the show in a tub of ice. And it's very medical, I'd say. It's pretty disgusting. And I challenge the audience, I would say, to feats of masculinity. I berate people in the front rows and i occasionally podcast with

people so it's a very interactive show with the audience are you like that theatrical like that british mma guy that like moved to budapest because he thought murder was legal there or something i don't know but that's a cool movie hey i think murder's legal. Sorry. Sorry, police. Oh, no. Oh, no, it's not. I thought it was. The purge of the mind. Right. Yes. One man's purge.

Yeah. Oh, man, this is great. Congrats on this cool city. Murder's legal? What are the top masculinities that you've observed in preparing for this show? Well, you've got Julian himself. for this show um well you got julian himself um julian himself is a a dude that kind of uh does maybe speaking tours and does has a you know strong tiktok presence where he is you know kind of berating people in a certain way and just kind of like get your shit together it's like a jordan

peterson perspective on kind of on kind of uh you know how mad like how masculine people and kind of Sigma or Alpha people should... Sigma's the new Alpha. I was going to ask, because I know about the meme concept of an Alpha. It's like a Chad. Yeah, yeah. It's like a Greek Chad. But we're kind of past that. We're just describing what sorority people are in.

Yeah. Yeah. And I hope to rush Theta Kai. So what's a Sigma? If an Alpha is like a- Sigma's more big time than an Alpha. Okay. So it's more-

He would be more like detail oriented. Oh, yes. You know? Right. Like, you know, but also caring. Okay. So it would be like, it's a more well-rounded- Sounds like he'd like to go to the car wash stall.

He'd go to the car wash stall and he'd crank one out in like 15 seconds. You know what I bet a Sigma could do? What? Fold a fitted sheet. Yeah. Like they would do it in a way, in a military way, where you'd just be like, I'd follow you anywhere. I'm thinking about when my dad showed me how to make a bed. Yeah. And he showed me how to make a bed. Yeah.

And he showed me how to do it Navy style. Right. Because he was in the Navy and it ruined his life, but it showed him. Well, not in every way. But if you can make a mean bed. Well, no, the thing is, if he doesn't make the bed like that, his day is ruined. Oh, yeah. It's kind of like, yeah, chicken and the egg. Yeah. The main issue was that while he was able to show me how to make the bed Navy style,

that then meant that any way that I made the bed was a disappointment to him forever. Ah, yes. Yes. That caused him distress and anger. Right. Wow. And made the bed, not just made it, but folded the sheet. So he's seeing that all the time.

But I mean, we're talking about, you know the thing where you're like, you get down to the corner of the bed. I'm talking about not a fitted sheet. I'm talking about just a flat sheet. You get down to the corner of the bed, and it wants you to do a whole fucking thing. And you're just like, fuck, I'm just stuffing this fucking shit in here. Yeah, well, that's what everybody does. But what's the Navy way? Tell me the Navy way.

What's the difference? I don't get involved. It makes it so that it's fucking taut. Yeah. You can bounce a quarter off it. Right. It's just like perfect. Yeah.

I do it now. I do it. But that's not good. Like one of these disco boys at the car wash. So that has nothing to do with comfort, though. That's like, yeah, because you can be all snug like a snug little boy. The thing is, John. That's not what sleeping's about, bro.

So much. Sleeping's about hardcore feelings. But so much of the Navy is about comfort. They're just like, can we just have this one little thing be about keeping it tight? Yeah, no, yeah, that's true. I make my bed old Navy style, which is where i just drape it in six dollar t-shirts okay you have like dancers all around it's not where you wear gigantic statement eyeglasses and also maybe there's a talking dog or something not sure what you're referencing weren't those those old navy commercials with the

lady with gigantic oh yeah sunglasses and there's a's a quirky old lady and kind of a little rascals type of dog, but it's got the freaking Target sign on its eye. It's hilarious. All I know is that I'm going every year to get my 4th of July t-shirt. Is that where you go, Target? No, I think there was a big thing growing up was that every year an old lady had a 4th of July t-shirt and you had to have it. It depends on how big your Johnson was. Yeah. I usually go down there to just rip down pride displays.

And then I do pray. Of course. No. I know you guys. If you guys ever want to roll, we're doing an Eagle Rock Boulevard. That sounds great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really. It'svard. That sounds great. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really, it's fun. It's fun. Yeah. Really great. You know what? I went down there to pray, but I sucked a few dicks and I had a great time. Yeah.

Well, afterwards, me and my church bros, we suck to the dicks. That's awesome. So it's like we are. Praise be. And weirdly, we have a lot of pride stuff up at our house. We just like doing it. It helps you save yourself for marriage if you're not all backed up. Yeah.

So you can help. You can be of service. We're saving anal for marriage. Yeah. We're doing everything but. That's so important. Because you got to get to know each other's body or else what are you doing? You're going to spend the rest of your life with this person.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a really good point, John. You got to have church bros. Thank you. You're welcome, buddy. I've got to have church bros. Thank you. You're welcome, buddy. I'm glad to be supportive. Okay, so you got the Judge Judy of Jordan Petersons.

That's your first masculinity. Right. And then there's Gary Gunn, and he is a British. That is the Dallas Reigns of masculinity teacher names. He's a TikTok guy, and he is a Brit. He's got an elegant, posh Brit accent. And he has a lady in a gown, kind of like a 90-day fiancé kind of lady.

Like a magician's assistant? More like a Moldavian mayor's daughter. Something like that. Meeting her American kind of 90-day fiancé for the first time. Like picture that dress. This woman is that Vanna white of Andorra. Yes.

And then this guy goes, all right, all right. Um, so she's at the end of the ball, right? She, he's got like a room full of nerds who are commonly like,

teach me how to be a man. Sure. These, these kids. And so he's like, only chicks say derp. That's the first thing. Only chicks say that. Don't say derp love. And so he goes, he's like only chicks say derp that's the first thing he says only chicks say derp don't say derp love and so he

goes he's like okay so you you know stand up she's at the end of the bar hats you open and he's like well and the kids come up they're like gee whiz why are you going on a date and he's like what are you doing he like berates them you know like why don't you go stick your chest out and he just like teaches them how

to talk and everything right it's very useful um it's uh yeah shout out gary gun i'm obsessed with you they're grabbing the brim of their bowler hat with both hands and lifting it up and down um yeah so so that's a guy you know he's a cool dude. And then, yeah, of course, Jordan Peterson himself. I was thinking maybe he's kind of just like a passive. Just everything about his affectation is just so like, I'm melting and I do the same. I guess I don't really know what his deal is other than like he's one of those guys, but also also does a lot of self-owns online, like accidental self-owns.

But I don't really know what- Almost purposeful. It's just like anything's good for him. He can just say the dumbest stuff, I feel like. It's a weird part entertainment, part it's weird. He's like the biggest celebrity in the world. I feel like the thing that all of these guys have in common is they wear the worst clothes from menswear blogs

when I was at the peak of menswear blogging. Like 2009's worst garments. Yeah, they dress like Two-Face. They love... But like Two-Face. They love... But like Two-Face... Always flipping a coin. Two-Face, if his pants were really tight, right? Yeah.

You're like, where did... Is this like suit with no socks, right? This is like suit with no socks, double monk strap shoes. This is... But like especially, more than anything else, they just have a passion for tight pants it's like snm cuban pete and i'm talking about like i'm talking about like tight

khaki pants that's smoking john well yeah your describing sounds pretty smoking it's smoking no they're yeah you're right they're like yeah those the the yeah i think jordan peterson was just recently uh yeah and roger stone is another fashion roger stone is so roger stone is there's this there was this dude who was on uh a menswear forum to which i used to post back in my menswear blogging the peak of my menswear blogging days uh one of like the big posters was this guy called manton turns out manton who even wrote an entire book like published real publisher and everything uh about menswear it was a like a parody of the prince but about menswear. It was like a parody of The Prince, but about menswear. Anyway, real publisher. Again, turns out this guy was like the nuclear policy expert in the Trump administration.

Wow. But like, this is the dudes. He was a Roger Stone type dude. Wait, was Manton a Dallas Reigns-like pseudonym? It was M. Anton. Michael Anton was the guy's name. Yeah. Some truly, and what's amazing is he was like a mutually assured destruction guy.

He was like, we should all drop nukes on each other. Cool. That's called blackpilled. I think he also quit. There's so many pills. I didn't know about Sigma. Now there's a black pill? Yeah.

I thought I only had two choices, red or blue. Well, black pill, a lot of MGTOWs, which is men going their own way, MGT own way. They're MGTOWs, and they call each other black-pilled and that means you want to destroy. You're basically an anarchist. Wow. You just like and then red-pilled is just

like you've exited the matrix. Guys, I'm learning about so many new shitheads today. This is what are some of the other pill colors? I don't think that there are. I know that Guys, I'm learning about so many new shitheads today. Yeah, it's great. What are some of the other pill colors? I don't think that there are.

I know that black-pilled is just something that these incel, MGTOWs, men going their own way, have come up with. Well, there's pink-pilled. That's when there's blood in your cum. That's when there's blood in your cum, yeah. And then, yeah. And what? I guess yellow-pilled when you piss your pants a little bit and you don't totally piss your pants?

It's for nasty piss babies. Yeah. Gray-pilled is when piss your pants a little bit, but you don't totally piss your pants? It's for nasty-piss babies. Yeah. Gray-pilled is when you're a potato bug and somebody touched you. Yeah. You just pill up. Man, that guy's gray-pilled. No, no, it's a tiny potato bug. Yeah, it's a potato bug.

Somebody touched him. You guys want to eat a handful of gray pills and then come back for more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, London, England, don't be a jack-off. That's my message to London, England. Hey, London, England, don't be a jack off That's my message to London England Hey London England don't be a jack off

We're coming to town to buy tickets to our show We're okay if you want to jack off Not at our show Jordan No not at the show but just in your personal time You know in bed With a loved one in the shower Should we really Should we really encourage our listeners

to spill their seed no you're right it'll it'll anger the lord yeah so instead of we use all that energy to buy tickets to our fucking show because we're coming to all the way to england september 14th and look tell somebody to come with. Say you heard the hottest young American comedians since Bow Wow. Say we're as good as John Mulaney. Say we're that. Say we're John Mulaney. I mean, we've met John. I met John Mulaney before.

I have too. Nice guy. So just tell him that we've met John Mulaney. Yeah. Say that two guys who have met john mulaney he wouldn't remember them maybe but nick kroll would nick kroll would nick kroll would remember me anyway do you know nick kroll i've yeah maybe you probably remember he probably wouldn't probably probably wouldn't remember my name but he would go be like oh i've talked to

that guy a couple times yeah and maybe we'll do like a little chit chat where he like didn't ask me anything like personal but just some kind of generic questions how is it going type if you live how about this if you live in london tell your friends i'll email nick kroll for them there you go but got to come to the show. September 14th at the London Podcast Festival. I'll send an email to Nick Kroll. Okay? I look... I know him since back in the internet message board days.

Oh my gosh. You know? I'll send an email to Nick Kroll. Drop that factoid if you want to impress your friends. Yeah. Jesse and Jordan knew him from Special Thing. Dot com. Yeah. Jesse and Jordan knew him from a special thing. Dotcom. Yeah.

Or on AST. Speaking of dotcoms. Oh, yeah. We got some fun dotcoms to tell people about. We're supported this week by the good folks. Seriously, though,

we are coming to the London Podcast Festival September 14th. If you live in the United Kingdom anywhere. It wasn't just a brilliant comedy bit that we just did. It was a real

plug. Buy tickets for our show right now. Maximumfun.org slash events is where you can find the link. We're supported this week, of course, always by the members of Maximum Fun. This week, particularly by the good folks over there at nuts.com.

Nuts.com is more than just nuts, Jordan. But it is. They do have nuts.com is more than just nuts, Jordan. But it is. It does. They do have nuts. If you want some delicious nuts for the car, around the house, they have those. If you want these bourbon pecans, holy shit. God, they're good.

Holy shit, these bourbon pecans are good. They're so good. It's like one of the top three snacks of all time. It like rocketed to the top of my snack list so quickly they're so fucking good you're like this is some boring shit from a some fucking general store in 1915 bourbon pecans and you put one of these bourbon pecans in your mouth you're like jesus christ why do we have technology i'm the unibomber now uh yeah but seriously they're great uh they got all kinds of great nuts, but also got other stuff. Nuts.com is your one-stop shop for freshly roasted nuts, dried fruit, sweets, pantry staples like specialty flowers, and more.

Their wide selection means there is something for everyone. I can also speak highly of the dried fruit. They got some killer dried mango over there at nuts.com. I've been eating the dried mango too. Really good. I love an unsweetened dried mango. Dried mango is sweet enough. Plenty of sweetness.

The stuff at nuts.com is really tasty. Great to have around the house. When that snack urge hits you, shop a la carte at any time or opt into hassle-free auto delivery so you never run out of your favorite items go check out all the delicious options at nuts.com slash jj go new customers will get a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of 29 or more that's nuts.com slash jj go seriously get the bourbon pecans they're really, really good. We're also supported this week by

Wild Grain. Jordan, you know about this pasta sauce where you just dump two cans of tomatoes, nice ones, and two halves of onion, you know,

and one onion and a half. Sure. And then some butter. And then you just cook it for a while. And then it turns out to be the best tomato sauce you've ever eaten. Ooh, sounds tasty. This is like this famous recipe that I was always like, this is ridiculous. But then I did it.

I was like, no, it's perfect. Anyway, I made this. And you know what I put it on? Some frozen pasta that I got from Wild Grain. Oh yeah. And that's all I needed. I had this perfect pasta. I had this wonderful simple tomato sauce and that constituted a spectacular meal. And that's what I love about Wild Grain is that it's sitting there waiting for me in my freezer. And then I have like a really good fresh loaf of bread to munch on that makes even a really simple meal into a what feels like a fancy extravagant meal. extravagant meal. Their subscription box,

they got sourdough breads, fresh pastas, artisanal pastries. Have you had the chocolate croissants, Jesse? I guess maybe you're not having the chocolate. No, but my children eat them and taunt me. Yeah, they're really delicious. I love a coffee and a pastry in the morning and to be able to just pull it out of the freezer

and make it in your own gosh darn oven is such a treat. The pastries are killer. The bread is awesome. It can really just kick up a meal a notch. You know, if you're having a meal and you're like, this is fine, but it could be kicked up a notch. Throw in a loaf of wild grain bread. It's right there in your freezer. Comes right out of your oven. Hot, delicious, bread. It's right there in your freezer. Comes right out of your oven. Hot, delicious, super good, ready to go. And hey, here's something cool. For every new member, Wild Grain donates six meals to the Greater Boston Food Bank so you can eat good and do good all at the same time. Plus, for a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box plus free croissants

in every box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJ Go to start your subscription you heard me and by me I mean Jesse you heard him free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to

wildgrain.com slash JJ Go that's wildgrain.com slash JJ Go. That's wildgrain.com slash JJ Go, or you can use promo code JJ Go at checkout. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, You did exactly what we asked you to do, which is first make it clear that you're the guest and then say Whimmy Do. Yeah, that was the instruction. You know, guys, I was thinking- John listens. It's clear he listens every week because he did the thing that all the guests do.

We were just talking about having me be a guest every week. Yeah, it's come up. I think, you know- So I think we should have a different guest every week. Yeah, it's come up. I think, you know, it's already doing it. So I think we should have a different guest every week, but John suggested... Yeah, but I would be a part of the show. Well, first, Jordan suggested that John should come back whenever he wants. Right. Seems like

what if John wants to come back every time? Turns out, that's exactly what John wants. Yep. Or I could be, this is funny. Okay. See, it could be a concept where... Ooh, I like funny. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I like funny. If somebody's name was Jordan Jesse, it could be a concept where it's Jordan, Jesse, go. If somebody's name was Jordan, Jesse, you'd be like, that's a weird name. But if somebody's name was Jesse Jordan, you'd be like, that's a cool guy.

Yeah. He's got a tight leather jacket. With cropped. He's got a tight Hollywood beard. He's got a few acting jobs under his belt. He's doing pretty well. He's doing pretty well. He's hitting the scenes, hitting the nightclubs.

Yeah. And it's Jesse Jordan. And it's like, what's up, guys? This guy does coke like once a month. Not too much. He's always got that little bag in his throat. How does he talk? He's like, what's up, guys? So he's a cool Hollywood guy. He's got some parts. Tight beard.

Yeah, he's cool. He's sad cool like Hunter Biden. He's probably fun to talk to at a party. but you're like, this guy is in pain. He has an unacknowledged child. A few gun charges. I like this guy. I would listen to this show. Yeah, fun.

Yeah. Jesse Jordan. Anyway. Did you guys see, by the way, when Hunter Biden pled guilty? Did you see that press conference? It was amazing. He's like- Oh, no.

I didn't see it. What's up, guys? Yeah. What's up? Sorry. I'm filming a reverse. I'm off crack. I'm like this.

Oh, we have fun though Anyway John's not welcome back That's Oh shit There's coke in the White House Right? Yeah Yeah there was some coke

In the White House Yeah Coke in the White House Who was it? It seems like it would be weird But I had a two episode arc On Secret Invasion Coming soon

To Disney Plus I don't want there to be a bunch of Coke in the White House, obviously. No. I would be dismayed if there was a bunch of Coke in the White House. It doesn't sound like there was a bunch. So that's what I'm saying.

It would be like a mirror full of it after a party. That would be like, whoa, alright, what the hell is happening here? But a bag of Coke. I saw a set by a San Francisco comedian one time who described going to Lars Ulrich's house and that he literally has

one of those cake plates with the dome and he just lifts it up and there's just a literal pile, cake-sized pile. But in the White House. Great drummer. Maybe that's why he's such a cool dude

yeah that makes you cool such a nice person in the white house i don't want there to be a bunch of coke but if you told me there's no coke in the white house i would be surprised right i i totally agree those people like there's some coke or It's not like everybody's doing coke all the time. Yeah. But, like, of all the people that work at the, like, you can imagine what kind of guy or lady works there. Think about the Clinton years. Yeah. Some of them have some coke.

Someone in this podcast studio has coke. Like, they don't have, they're not the kind of person who has coke because they're cool. Like, there might be a functional coke. Because they were trying to're cool. No. It might be a functional coke. Because they were trying to be cool. Yeah. They were trying to be cool. I think they're just trying to fucking do more policy papers or whatever the fuck. Yes.

Did you see Jesse Jordan on NCIS? God, he was so good. He was really good on NCIS. He just had the one scene. He played the same character he played in Hawaii Five-0. Oh, I didn't know that was a shared universe. It's a crossover thing. Yeah.

Jordan just gets a lot of work. Yeah. A lot of work. He's got some lockdown. He's got his SAG insurance. He's not that 1% of actors who gets millions of dollars a movie. This guy's a working guy and he needs his insurance. I stand in solidarity

with Jesse Jordan. He's got a secret family. Jesse Jordan. Oh, wow. He's got a secret family. Jesse Jordan. Oh, wow. He's got a secret family through there on his insurance. Well, we're all complicated. Is the secret family in L.A. or is the family back home?

I think it's across the street. Oh, really? Just right across the street? They're in an attic. Does he have a family at his house as well? I don't know. So he keeps the family across the street secret from the rest of the neighborhood?

Well, he's got a really nice TV, and I think that's his priority. He doesn't want the TV to know about the kids. No, he's really into film, and so he knows that he's invested in it, so if he's watching a movie, he's watching a movie house.

Is the problem... The secret family lives across the street, is that because they turned on motion smoothing? Yeah, they did. Yeah. He kicked them out. I mean, he's paying 10 bucks a month for the Criterion channel.

He's going to use it. He's a nepo baby, but his dad, he wasn't in show business. He was like an international murderer. dad wasn't in show business. He was like an international murderer. Yes, he had friends in show business. He has dark money. He has dark money backing him up.

Mr. Jordan, it's great to have you here. I got your resume from a friend of mine who your father murdered. Oh, yeah. His dying act. A brawn. His dying act was to send out your father murdered. Oh, yeah. His dying act abroad. His dying act was to send out your resume. In Budapest. He believed it to be legal there. Yeah. I'm actually making a big

globe with little pinpricks in it for every kill my dad did. So I'm going to send that to my friends as a Christmas gift. Yeah. You know, Jesse, like, if somebody doesn't have a little bag of coke like lost in their wallet for some party in the

last few months Jesse doesn't trust that person right because right they don't know how to unwind

because they're uptight Jesse doesn't yeah if you don't do a little blow this is the character if you don't do a little blow

like Jesse doesn't trust you right so Jesse Jordan does it are you a cop you know what I mean right he just

you know you gotta feel to feel alive sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes you have to make a mistake. Yeah, let it go. To feel alive. Get loose. We're human. Yeah.

Anyway. Does Jesse Jordan journal? Jesse Jordan journals. Does Jordan Jesse journals? I don't know. I mean, that's what this is, John. You're in our journal. This is your journal. this is, John. You're in our journal. This is your journal.

This is our journal. It's our audio journal. I mean, Jordan probably has a journal for that fiction class at PCC, right? I did have to do some journaling. I'm not in that class anymore. Class is over. Wait, what's PCC? Did you get a grade?

You were doing a PCC class? I took a Pasadena City College short story writing class. Wow. We didn't hear what grade you got, Jordan. Sorry. I mentioned what grade you got, but I didn't hear your... I got an A. Yeah.

Whoa. This guy. I got an A. This guy got an A. A. All right. Wow. I made some mistakes.

I missed a couple classes. Did you write a short story? I wrote a couple of short stories. Yeah. It was really fun. That's great. It's worth it. Was it worth it?

Yeah. So I... Were they like steamy? No. Oh, there was. So, okay. So here's, I've talked a little bit about this on the show. I kind of thought

because it's a community college, it would be kind of all kinds of people and it wouldn't be weird that I was 40 and in this class. It was weird. Everyone was 19 and no one wanted to be there. It was not like, oh, I'm a, you know, whatever. I'm an investment banker and I want to try my hand at fiction.

It was just like kids. These people were fire science majors that wanted to focus on sit-ups. Sure, yeah. They were just there because they thought it would be easy and their dad would yell at them and kick them out if they weren't going to college. Right. It would make sense like in an improv class.

You'd be like, yeah, I'm going to try this out. Yeah, right, right. That's not what, I was kind of expecting that. This is not that. It was not. The teacher was fucking great. The teacher was awesome. Oh, great. Good. Knew her shit. Had a lot of great advice. I learned so much from her. She was great. Amazing. Judy Blume. Judy Blume. The great Judy Blume. Great syllabus. We had so

many good stories. Judy Blume's like, you guys need to wake up! Yeah. Alright! All these 19-year-old slackers. Judy Blume's a sigma. guys need to wake up! Yeah. Alright! All these 19-year-old slackers. Judy Blume's a Sigma. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's a Sigma. The original Sigma. Yeah, she takes no S. Are you there, God? It's me! Ramona, right? Pay attention

to me, God! Beverly Cleary, sorry. That's Beverly, okay. Yeah. Judy Blume, are you there, God? It's me, Mark. Tag team teachers. Judy Blume, yeah. More sexy. But yes, I I was really glad to get some instruction from this great teacher I like the stories that I turned out I'm gonna refine them and keep working on them now you were telling me the fort before the podcast you don't like to you would never flirt with or

hit on a college kid but you like to be friends with them very much oh I do you draw the line very sure no I would flirt, but I definitely want to hang on the quad. I want a hack. Right. I want a drum circle. And you bring your guitar, right? And I bring my guitar. Play Riders on the Storm?

And these kids don't know about real music. They, you know, they'll listen to Justin Bieber and Lizzo, and I'm like, Jim Morrison, the Lizard King. Good. And I school them. They're at school, and I take them to another school, which is a musical school class starring Jim Morrison and me. Jordan, the last thing I want to do is make you look bad or contradict you on the show.

Thank you. I just want to say that I love Lizzo. She can play the flute. She's great. And she makes me feel great about myself. All right. Well, we should have different opinions on Lizzo. Yeah.

So you only like the Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen. What's that? Their hit song, not Rod Lincoln. What am I? What are you talking about? Like a hippie band. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Yes.

Okay, I understand. A hippie band. I like Bruno Mars. He makes me feel good about myself. That guy's great. When he's like, don't believe me, just watch. Woo! I love that guy. And I'm like, I'm going to watch that.

Yes, sir. Yeah, I mean, Lizzo's great, too. Her songs are literally about like self-esteem can i stop the bit for a second just to share a joke that someone else said one time please uh one time i'm i'm attributing this to sarah schaefer i think i'm almost certain it was sarah schaefer uh our friend do great comedian sarah schaefer great comedian and uh uh Etsy salesperson Sarah Schaefer uh she said that Bruno Mars is like if Prince was raised in a target wow that's so true I can't I can't even see Bruno Mars and not think about Prince being

raised in just a sexless little like yeah, yeah, there's no, like, sex going on. He's just, like, so talented. No one has ever fucked in a target. He's like, yeah, he's got a little. Kmart, hell yeah. I've sucked dick in a target. I was praying for low prices. Right, that's just to help your bro save himself for marriage.

Jordan. Listen, we have summer boy stuff. I just want one more small detail about my short story writing class. You asked me if they were steamy. My stories were not steamy. Don't believe in it. But there was one kid that did bring an erotic pirate story. Ooh.

And I don't, I'm like, I suspect this is find and replace fan fiction for something I'm not aware of. Arr, matey. I have a question. Were, now in real life, historical pirates were intercultural often. Yes. And often mixed gender. Some great pirates were women. But I think in pirate fiction, we're mostly talking about a bunch of fellas.

Yes. In this story, were the pirates boning lady islanders? Or were the pirates railing each other? These were pirates of all genders. Okay. Many genders of pirates in this story. Sweet. And I think they were boning animal-human hybrids.

Whoa! That's cool. There's a sci-fi element to this. Again, I think this is fan fiction for something that I don't know. Okay. I just suspect it. Two follow-up questions. Yes.

I maybe don't have answers for you. Number one. Yeah. Two follow-up questions. Yes. I maybe don't have answers for you. Number one. Yeah. If you were a pirate... Uh-huh. Oh, okay. This is a personal thing.

I can answer this. What animal would you... What animal would you like to make love to a human, produce an unholy child? Deer person, baby! Deer? Okay.

Yeah, they're kind of gentle. Soft, yeah. Yeah. You can make the chamois out of the coats. Soft, yeah. Yeah, there's velvety. You can make the chamois out of the coats. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a sexy. You've heard of a deerskin condom, right?

Yeah. It's a sexy mammal. Right. Yeah. I mean, cut out the middleman and just fuck the deer. Am I right? Second question. Cut out the middleman.

Let's say you were a man-animal hybrid. What pirate would you like to fuck? Ooh. Great question. What color's his beard? I mean, I know it's not politically correct to say Johnny Depp, but he looks so good. Oh, man. That looks good.

Sauvage. Beards. For me, it's got to be Long John Silver. Yeah. Is he real? I mean, I hope so. He told me he was. Those hush puppies I ate were real.

He's got a fish restaurant. Well, Jordan, congratulations on your A. Thank you. I'm really proud of you, and I'm really proud that you overcame the fact that you missed a few classes because you were too cool for school. I was smoking behind the gym, man. Yeah, did you have any conversations with these kids for real? I didn't mean to imply that you were. No, no, that's okay, and that's a funny way to go with this.

What are they into? I appreciated the humor of that. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah, there were a lot of, like, there was a lot of, no, that's okay. And that's a funny way to go with this. I appreciated the humor of that. Let's see, yeah, there were a lot of like there was a lot of like anime kids. Okay. I think like most 19 year olds are into anime now. I think that's mainly. Yeah. And there was like

what were they in? Yeah, and some of them, there was a couple of true crime kids who kind of like, I mean, again, it was pulling teeth to get these kids to say anything. They did not want to talk. They just wanted to leave. But yeah, I like gleaned a few facts about them.

Wow. Jordan, today you are... Five Nights at Freddy's. FNAF? Talking about FNAF? What's that? It's like a computer game about a haunted Chuck E. Cheese that many kids are into. I think the lore is very complicated. It's like a PC game?

Yeah, I think so. Maybe you could probably cross-platform. I don't know for sure. That's fun. Yeah. Wow. It is fun. Five Nights at Freddy's.

A lot of people talk shit about these kids these days, but a lot of them are really fun. Yeah, they know how to have fun. If you take the time to talk with them out there on the quad. Right. Yeah, if you just like, you know, break, you know, talk to them for a while and like, kind of like explain to them about Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. And that Steely

Dan were legendary session musicians. They could play. Yeah, that's the thing. They were players. Time signatures. Nowadays. Right. Right. You haven't lived until you've heard Marvin Gaye, What's Going On. Thank you. Thank you.

The real vinyl. A little something called soul music. Yeah. Coming to my vet. Music. This isn't creepy. All your friends can come. Yeah.

And I'll take some out. I want to hang out with you. It's not creepy. Everybody, get in the vet. Get in the vet. Thank God I'm at clown college. Okay. So it's summertime. It's summertime. Get in the vet. Thank God I'm at clown college. Okay, so it's summertime. We have us called.

My point here is that as we record this, Jordan is wearing the Bart Simpson underachiever and proud of it muscle shirt that I gave him some time ago. Is that a classic shirt? This is original. It's vintage. That's vintage. Wow. It's in really good shape. It's in great shape. I've had many comments on what great shape the shirt is.

I have to say, you know, Jordan is an enthusiastic swim hobbyist. Really? Okay. And usually he hides his... Short stories? Swimming? Usually he hides his light under a bushel. I've done some competitions. I don't do well with them.

I'm not that good, but I like doing them, and I like the camaraderie that comes with competitions. He's got a great stroke. Thank you. No way. And I have to say, when you appeared through the... Right. Jordan is really pushing his yokeneness in my face right now.

No. Jordan's broad swimmer shoulders and powerful arms. He's exaggerating. I'm not. I don't have a killer chest. This is a new thing. He's newly yoked. No, he usually hides his light under a bushel.

Right. Normally, this guy comes in here wearing a fucking trench coat and a baggy sweater. Well, he's got a cool haircut and he suns out, guns out because it's day one of the SAG joining. That's true. We're going to be out there. We saw each other on the picket line today. We did. John is a supporter of workers' rights.

And Disney. Oh, you were there. I'm not an actor or writer. You were a counter-protester. I was a counter-protester. Well, I'm just trying to get people to... I'm trying to get a project together. Oh, wow. So I'm actually just trying to see if there are any executives in there. Yeah. No, that's great. Pitch some stuff.

It's cool. You gotta pitch. Always be pitching. So you are the ultimate summer boy today because you're wearing a classic Jordan summer ensemble of cut off jeans, vans with no socks, and

muscle shirt to show off your fucking yokage. Yokage. It's an exaggeration. It's nice of you to say. Sorry, I was trying to say yokage. You have that tattoo of tennis legend Nikola Jokic. That's true, yeah. Jesse, you're a summer boy, I have to say.

Really? Look at you. I mean, you're two sleeves away because he's got the tank top over here. I'm wearing Japanese performance shorts, okay? It's true. I'm wearing Japanese performance shorts. Wow. You going to do some Japanese performance for us? From It's true. I'm wearing Japanese performance shorts. Wow. You going to do some Japanese performance for us?

From the Japanese. Yeah, good. Are they for Tai Chi or some Kabuki? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. John. Yeah.

Rocking the stocks. Rocking the Birkenstocks. I got stocks and socks. Hell yeah. And I got these Birkenstocks last summer. Prescription in a sort of from my podiatrist because I had, what is it called? This horrible foot pain where you wake up. What's it called?

Plantar fasciitis. Plantar fasciitis. Yes, plantar fasciitis. It was horrible for about a year. And then my podiatrist was like, well, we could shoot it full of steroids or you could get Birkenstocks and just wear them. And I did. I got Birkenstocks and wore them, and it literally healed it. It went away after one week.

What's the science behind that? Because it's just Birkenstocks leather rubber cork, and that's it. That's what does it. Wow. Yeah. They look great. I have some of that stuff up my ass right now. No planner for shitis at all. Leather rubber cork. Yeah. They look great. I have some of that stuff up my ass right now. No planter for shitis at all.

Leather, rubber, cork. Some of the best stuff to put in your butt. Yeah. There's no doubt about it. Yeah. What do you say are your top five? So those are three. What are the other two?

I like to put vintage stoppers. Right. You know, like a good sink stopper because it's like it shouldn't go in there and it's just fun to like force things that shouldn't go in there and it's just fun to like force things that shouldn't go in there yeah but then i like like very round japanese toys right like an ultra meltdown comics like all the stuff there would be like a little kitten i'd be like get up in there and then 45 minutes later it would be in my body. And I'd go on stage at a Chris Hardwick hosted. Yes, and you would kill.

You would fucking kill. I would rock it. And then I'd get high fives and take off because it's cool. Thanks, Jonah and Kumail. Sure. Thanks, Jonah. Thanks, Kumail. I had to kitten up my ass the whole time.

Yeah, you're not sticking around to see Sarah Schaefer. Come on. It's 2013. Let's go. It is 2013. She's just going to do that Bruno Mars joke that's probably hers. Jesse is pretty sure. Whoa.

Target Prince, good job. The point here, Jordan, is that you're the true summer boy. You're the summerest boy of summer boys. It's not a contest. It's not a contest. We can all be summer boys. All summer long. Look, I'm summer boy in two.

You think I didn't eat three different kinds of melon today? Wow. What are the melons? We're talking about a Persian melon. Ooh. Two different kinds of cantaloupe melon. Oh, God. One is like a stripy one.

One's like a greenish one. Nice. And you bought these? Where do you get these melons? At the Pasadena Farmer's Market. Of course.ish one. Nice. And you bought these? Where do you get these, Milla? Pasadena Farmer's Market. Of course. Of course. Yes.

It's almost pluot time, but not quite. Right. Don't try and get pluots now. You're going to have to wait a minute. There's some good peaches happening. Nectarines. I've had some good peaches lately. A couple good peaches.

Well, they were nectarines. You're right. You're right. Yeah. Sorry, Jordan. Don't be an asshole. Peaches have the fuzz.aches. Well, they were nectarines. You're right. You're right. Yeah. Sorry, Jordan. Don't be an asshole. Peaches have the fuzz. Yeah.

You're thinking of nectarines. Are you saying I didn't have- Nectarines. Wait, are you saying- No, you had fucking nectarines. Are you guys spying on me while I'm eating fruit? Yeah, you're eating a fucking nectarine. That's what's good right now.

Fucking nectarines. Okay. Pluots are around the corner. That's what you're bringing for your teacher. That's right. At PCC. Hey, I got a pluot for you. Okay. Pluots are around the corner. That's what you're bringing for your teacher. That's right. At PCC. Hey, I got a pluot for you. Yeah.

I'm not one of those Apple guys. I'm not trying to get an A here, but if there's an A in it for me, that'd be great. If I get an A, I'm not mad. Pluots are coming. Mm-hmm. When something, no, wait, hold on. If you're doing summer boy activities, we want to hear about it. Yes.

We want to hear about the best summer boy activities. Voice memo them, email us to jjgoe at maximumfun.org, or just give us a call, 206-9844-FUN. A summer boy called in. Matt Lieb's got the tape. Roll it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goe, and I'm going to say Casper the Friendly Ghost? No, no. This is Heather in Louisiana. I was going to say Casper the Friendly Ghost? No, no. This is Heather in Louisiana. I was calling to report.

Wait, I need you to go back because I couldn't tell what this caller was saying because I was laughing about John Daly being scoffed. Casper the Friendly Ghost. Wait, John. Are you Casper the friendly ghost Wait John John are you Casper the friendly ghost

No no Every You don't want him to come back every episode I know this is cranking This is cranking John this rocks Take my chair I'm tired I'm going. I'm going home.

You're going to have my gig. I'm not playing that game. Musical chairs. I sold the company. I sold the company. You take my job on Jordan Jesse Go. I'm going to go take a nap. All right.

Matt Lieb, you can press play now, but just make sure John doesn't do that. I won't. I won't. No, no. Again, because then I'll laugh again and I'll miss him. Go ahead. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go, and I'm going to say

Casper the Friendly Ghost? No, no! He did it, you fucker! This is Heather in Louisiana. I was calling to report a summer boy sighting. I'm driving to pick up my daughter from daycare right now, and I saw a man in his 30s, I'm going to say,

and he was skateboarding down the street. I'm going to describe him top to bottom, mohawk, mustache, belly shirt, snow cone, jean shorts, knee-high socks, and socks and trainers just skating along living his best life uh all right love you guys bye love you too heather fuck i just wait did she say no cone snow cone i have snow cone i have problems with what that's you don't like it a mohawk's a night thing it's a nighttime guy you know what i mean like it's a punk thing so you're saying during the day the freaks aren't out i'm just saying the freaks come out at night right during the day sure but they're not summer

boys like that's like a night person being this woman is hold on derby turned around hold on upside down no no no no no no because once they've got that snow cone in their hand all their other choices are transformed into sour boy choices right okay so all that matters is the potency of their choices doesn't matter what direct it could be storm and norman schwartzkopf let's say it's storm and norman schwartz the best best. Fucking legend. This guy's a fucking legend. Okay. And he's wearing his whole little outfit. You know what I'm talking about?

The one from the storm. The one he wore to court. Now, would you say this guy's a summer boy? No. No. No. Not at all. Put a snow cone in his hand. Oh, yeah. The power of his choices. He's a goddamn beach boy. No. No. Not at all. Put a snow cone in his hand?

Oh, yeah. The power of his choices. He's a goddamn beach boy. Yeah. Yeah. This is a related. The belly shirt made me think about this. Yeah.

Oh, belly shirt. I have an idea for who might be the greatest summer boy of them all. This is... I know what you're going to say. Do you want to tell us first? No, you go ahead. This is like a 65-ish year old, wiry, strong,

leathery. Good and leathery. Right. But like rich Corinthian leathery. Mm-hmm. Outdoor four-wheel roller disco dancer. Yeah. This guy has been roller disco dancing in the park since the roller disco closed.

He's meeting other fucking roller disco dudes and they're absolutely fucking railing each other in the bushes. He is getting the fuck down to Car Wash by Rose Royce. Why not? Shining Star by Earth, Wind & Fire. Yeah, Shining Star. Exactly. And you know who's a fucking Shining Star? The 65-year-old wiry strong dude in a belly shirt in the park quad roller skate dancing.

Yes. That guy's a summer boy. Fucking legendary summer boy. With amyl nitrate up his fucking nose. This fucking dude is fucking red to go. He's pooping in the woods to get ready. You know what else? You know what else about this dude?

Until I get ready for the podcast. This dude is fucking welcoming as shit. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. This dude is, anybody that wants to come into the plaza area and fucking get down, can you skate backwards? Yeah. Then you're in.

Yeah. I can. I can. There's that Central Park and also Prospect Park. They had those big roller skate, roller disco parties. Yeah. Yep. Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, baby.

Yeah. And there was always a couple people that were just fantastic. Yep. And a few people just fucking railing in the bushes. Yeah. You can smell the bologna emanating from the bushes. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to. Well, I mean, you need a little protein if you're going to bone in the bushes. That's true. What better than bologna? Yeah, they're breaking out the bologna, if you know what I mean. Full of protein. I'm more of a ham guy, like a spiral ham.

Listen, a lot of good meats out there. I'm going to stop by Honey Baked, though. On the way, I'm going to stop by Honey Baked, get a spiral cut. Spiral cut. They'll make you a sandwich there. Share that with my disco bros. Amazing. My disco buddies, you know?

Honey Baked, it's those practical locations of Honey Baked. Who knew that that would be a successful thing? Right. That you would have a storefront that's honey baked. It's crazy to me. Just go in there and they say, sir, how many hams would you like? Yeah. It's all hams.

They'll make you a sandwich. I don't know if you guys heard me. They'll make you a sandwich. They'll make a sandwich at the honey baked store? Yes, you can get a good sandwich at the honey baked. Okay, so it's a sandwich place. But do they have chicken or anything? It's just ham, obviously.

I think there's other meats. Can I go in there and order an Italian? Yeah. Okay, hold on. Let's take a break. I want oil and vinegar and a sour roll. Google the nearest Honey Baked Ham store and tell us what the menu is after we come back. Do they have Dutch Crunch?

I'm interested in this. I don't know what kind of bread you can get. I would stop at one of these things like over Panera Bread. Yeah, absolutely. I believe in the quality of Honey Baked. It's probably, yeah. The brand promise is strong. Yeah.

We're going to find out what they serve at this Honey Baked when we come back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, Sydney, you're a physician and the co-host of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, right? That's true, Justin. Is it true that our medical history podcast is just as good as a visit to your primary care physician? No, Justin, that is absolutely not true. However, our podcast is funny and interesting and a great way to learn about the medical misdeeds of the past as well as some current not so legit health care fads. So you're saying that by listening to our podcast, people will feel better.

Sure. And isn't that the same reason that you go to the doctor? Well, you could say that, but... And our podcast is free. Yes, it is free. You heard it here first, folks. Sawbones, Merrill Tear, Miss Guide to Medicine, right here on Maximum Fun, just as good as going to the doctor. No, no, no.

Still not just as good as going to the doctor, but pretty good. It's up there. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Please tell us what to tape about. Please tell us what to tape about. Please. Because I'm Alex and she's Katie and we make Secretly Incredibly Fascinating.

A podcast about the history and science behind seemingly ordinary things. We've done entire episodes about ham or shoe sizes or concrete or the color beige. We need more ordinary stuff like that. Our MaxFun members suggest and pick our episode topics through Discord. So what do you wonder about? What do you wish you could start to find interesting? Make us tape your idea. And then hear the results on Secretly Incredibly Fascinating from MaximumFun.org

La la la la la la la la It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, play detective. Okay, so how do we get on this subject? Okay, so which is what I think we should do.

John has a story. Before we wrap it out, it will be underwhelming if we go back to Honey Baked Ham. Let's let Matt tell us what is on the menu. I love the Honey Baked Ham discourse and I'm genuinely interested in going. So hold on to your thing because nothing can top that. It's not

a long story. To me- No, the show's almost over. It should be. Right. So obviously they got spiral ham, they got honey glazed, they got not glazed, right? So Matt, what can we get? If we went into the Honey Baked Ham kiosk strip mall place for lunch, what could we order?

There's a kiosk now? I think I- Like in the place where you get keys cut? No, yeah. They duplicate your garage door opener? They sell calendars. It's like a thing you go to

at a strip mall. Matt, what can we get if we go into the Honey Baked Ham for lunch? I don't know if this is what you're expecting, but this is the first I've heard of a Honey Baked Ham store. I had to Google Honey Baked Ham store. So I had to Google honey-baked ham store. And so far, all I see is that you can buy a medium half ham. You didn't even find the menu for the-

I'm looking for the menu. Maybe they don't do this anymore. They mail it out at Christmas, but it's also a store. Yeah. Yeah. They have the honey-baked mini ham. As far as I can tell, these are just sizes of ham. Maybe I imagined these sandwiches.

I hope the pigs they have are kept in good conditions. JK. No. Frickin'. They're in cages. They also have stacked cages. They're smaller than them. Desserts, starters and sides.

And then they also have like gifts. Okay. First of all, I'm looking at the menu, right? It was as easy as opening an app, typing in honey baked hams, and then clicking on menu. I did that. Ham classic sandwich. Roasted turkey sandwich. This is ripping us apart.

Smoked turkey sandwich. Tavern club sandwich. Barbecued smoked stacker sandwich. Uh-huh. That sounds good. Chicken salad sandwich. Did you get like a thousand? I might be in the catering menu.

And then one of the sandwiches is just called the Honey Baked. Ooh. That's like their signature sandwich, it sounds like. What's on it? That one's honey baked ham topped with Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles. Where are you finding this? Email me this menu. No.

Do it. Garlic, herb, turkey, and cheddar slider three-pack. Okay, we figured it out. We're all going to Honey Bakes for lunch tomorrow. Sorry. John has a story where he saw Mr. Rogers naked. So John is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the home of Mr. Rogers. I alluded to that during the break.

You said, well, actually, I've seen Mr. Rogers naked. Yeah, yeah. My dad used to belong to like a club called the PAA. And we would go there and I would take swim. This is where I took swim classes as a child, learned how to swim there. And I was in the locker room with my dad and I saw Fred Rogers. I saw him naked. I saw his penis.

I saw him naked. And after I saw him, I walked out of the locker room with my dad and I knew it was Fred Rogers. And my dad goes, hey, you see that guy? That was Mr. Rogers. And I knew it while i was just like oh oh my god but it's just it's just it's it's emblazoned on my mind it's emblazoned on my mind i'll never forget oh my god the sight of this man's body knowing his face is mr rogers and being like but i didn't like register it right away and then my dad confirmed it. And then I was just like, important, important.

And I've never forgot it, obviously. But what a legend, right? A truly nice guy. Same thing happened to me in Oscar the Grouch. Oh, wow. Yeah. John, I don't mean to be totally normal. Yeah.

But what the fuck was he packing? Yeah. Jesus Christ, tell us about Mr. Rogers' dick. Yeah. But what the fuck was he packing? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Tell us about Mr. Rogers dick. Yeah. As far as I can remember, it was like jet. He's got jet black hair, you know, the kind where it starts going gray early. But his hair was still jet black.

This is the 80s. So it was like jet black, ultra bush. And then like largish penis probably. Seems right. But he seems like he's probably. Seems right. You know what? He seems like he's.

I mean, the first time someone described someone with BDE was Mr. Rogers. He's got the energy, but you don't know what he's packing. That's true. But I think he's all balls. All balls. It seems like the guy's just like, oh, jeez, I'm all balls. That's actually how Coco ended up naming her kitten. Right.

All balls. After seeing Mr. Rogers. After Mr. Rogers wandered into the gorilla enclosure naked. Yeah. He's all balls. It was a tribute. Coco's talking about. Man, that kindly man. He was such a magical person. He's incredible about us. Man, that kindly man.

He was such a magical person. He's incredible. I'm naming my kitten after him. Ball balls. Well, everything we've said makes sense. Yeah, I would say this whole episode made a shit ton of sense. Perfect sense. We were just piling sense on sense on sense, I would say.

I found the menu. Okay. We already. Is it too late to read the menu? No, I would say. I found the menu. Okay. We already. Is it too late to read the menu? No, no, no. Let's do it. Do they have Dutch Crunch or not? Oh, well, I'll have to look real close to find out about that.

Oh, geez. You can get it. They got a Hawaiian roll. They got a molasses, a French roll, a white, a croissant, a marble rye, a multi-grain wheat, and a sourdough. They have so many meats. Look at this. Those are not meats.

Those are breads. Just saying the word turkey sandwich makes me tired. You can get a prime rib there. Yeah. I want a prime rib. They got cranberry turkey. No, I want the prime rib. Okay.

Order me the prime rib. Right now? Is this local? Do they have Dutch Crunch? They don't have Dutch Crunch. They have a French roll. Can you get Dutch Crunch for me? What's Dutch Crunch?

A bread? It's a bread. It's like a crunchy Dutch-y type. A little sweetness to it. You want to make it a combo? Kind of crackly topping. I like that. You can make it a combo for $2.99.

What's that? Chips and a drink? Yeah, a small side dish and a regular drink. Or chips, regular drink, and a cookie. Yeah, so can you get me- I'll take a regular Coke. Yeah. Can I have a black and white cookie?

Sure. And I'm going to take the broccoli bacon bliss salad. And I'll just do a Chinese chicken salad from Mendocino Farms. Okay, I have not found the salad menu. John, do you want anything? I want one of those Grimace shakes. Grimace. Give me that Grimace.

Another TikTok phenomenon. Yeah. What are people doing with the Grimace shake on TikTok? They're buying the Grimace shake. They're showing it off like they're influencers, and then they're cutting to themselves dead with Grimace Shake everywhere. Yeah, like it was a crime scene. That's funny.

It is. It's really funny. It's funny. That's why all young people are doing that same joke now. They are. It's the same joke. It really is. Millions have been made.

But I'm doing it. It's the joke, but I'm doing it. Me. I. John Daly been made. But I'm doing it. It's the joke, but I'm doing it. Me. I. John Daly. Yeah. Yes. Let's just say somebody is listening in Pittsburgh right now.

Let's say somebody's in Nashville, Tennessee. Let's say we got a listener in Dubuque. Let's say we got a listener in New York City. How can they enjoy the magic of John Daly? They might not be able to make it out to your new stage show. Yeah. Which is 9.30 this Monday, July 17th. That's the first one. At the Elysian Theater, Los Angeles, come out to that.

Show won't be out by then, but that's fine. Show won't be out by then, so that's great for me. Thanks so much. No, no, that's fine. Let's say they're not headed to the Elysian Theater or they're going to catch a later show at the Elysian. Yes. What about on the internet or something? I am JohnDailyGraham on Instagram. Yeah.

Check me out at JohnDaily.com on my computer, my website. On Twitter, I'm at JohnDaily, J-O-N-D-A-L-Y. Instagram's probably best,

I guess. Yeah, everyone's on Instagram. Everyone's on Instagram. Well, John Daily, it's always a pleasure to see you. You've got a podcast these days, right? Oh, yeah. Check out my podcast as well, Two Johns Don't Make a Right.

Two Johns Don't Make a Right is a great podcast where me and my friend John Schrader drive around Hollywood with a guest turning left only. We never turn right. That's the whole podcast. Okay. And we talk about things we see when we drive. It's really dumb that show description took a real left turn

yeah and hey if you're looking for a couple more fun John Daly projects your album of comedy music is very funny my album of comedy

check out Ding Dong Delicious please on Spotify or buy it on vinyl please I think there's still records left it is wonderful and then check out my yeah Adult Swim special I think there's still records left. It is wonderful.

And then check out my Adult Swim special on adultswim.com. King Tweety on Max. That's a funny John Daly project. Oh, yeah. It's a Sylvester and Tweety movie. John's in it. He's really funny. Nicole Thurman's funny in it. I got to make, you know, be a fucking Looney Tunes.

It was great. Anyway. It was great. It was great. Matt Lieb is our producer. Brian Zanetti-Fernandez is our producer. Emeritus, our theme music.

Love you by The Free Design. Thanks to The Free Design and to their label Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on Instagram at jordandavidmorris at put.this.on.

You can find us on Facebook, facebook.com slash jordanjessego. You can find us elsewhere. Meta. As well jordanjessego. You can find us elsewhere. Meta. As well. Yeah, find us in the metaverse.

It's called meta, right? Not Facebook? Find us in Second Life. World of Warcraft. Wow. People are just knocking on your door in Second Life. Yeah. Hello.

This door. He's knocking on a door that's padded I guess was that It's hard to knock on a padded door Yeah it's hard to knock on a padded door It'll drive you crazy Is there anything else that we need to say about our show I found the salad menu We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go

I'll hug you and kiss you and love you Love you Love you Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network.

Of artist-owned shows. Supported. Directly. By you.