Jordan, Jesse, GO! - El Superior

Episode Date: July 18, 2011

Nick Adams sits in for Jordan. Jesse and Nick discuss the supermarket down the block, a genuinely bizarre catalog and the utility of the promotional beer stein.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

I'm joined by the great Nick Adams. We talk a lot about the grocery store down the street from my house. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I am Nick, repeat Adam, sitting in for Jordan Morris. Nick, you are the first host of this program ever to sit back and relax, not just with a beer, but what appears to be a novelty stein of beer. Well, I think when you put novelty stein in, you sort of, it was really classy. It

started out really classy. You dismissed my plastic mug as a novelty Stein. I think you brought it down a notch. Well, you haven't. I mean, to be fair, you're enjoying an imported beer. True, true. Well, it's a beautiful post-Carmageddon day here in sunny California, and I thought, you know, we'd better go home. Has Carmageddon wrapped itself up? It's officially over. When I was driving here, there was a sign on the 110 that said, 405 open. Thank you, Los Angeles.

For anyone who... Only in LA do we get gratification for doing our civic duty. Excuse us, we're trying to make things better. Stay off the roads. Here in Los Angeles, the mayor asked Angelenos to make the ultimate sacrifice, which is to not drive on the 405 for two weekend days,

which was immediately nicknamed Carmageddon. I think just because of the very special outlook that Angelenos have on their lifestyle. I know you have sort of a bone to pick with our fair city in general. And L.A. is very easy to make fun of. But I will say, in our defense, the 405 freeway, at least when I worked for the television show Guinness World Records, the 405 freeway was, at that time, the most heavily traveled stretch of freeway in the world. So it's kind of a big deal.

It's certainly the most unpleasant stretch of freeway that I've ever been on. Yeah, yeah. But they closed it, and it seemed like, I mean, you live closer to the west side of Los Angeles than I do. You live in sort of central Los Angeles. Mid-city is what it's technically referred to, yeah. But what I have heard is reports that nothing happened. Nothing went wrong. Here's my theory.

Everyone in Los Angeles had heard about Carmageddon for a couple of weeks, and they took it as an excuse to just go, all right, I'm not driving this weekend. Everyone I talked to, everyone I heard, everyone I follow on Twitter was like, there's no traffic, everything's fine, this was all a big deal. But I think everyone just thought, well, you know what? I'm just not going to drive. That's an excuse for me to not drive, period.

I think everyone kind of threw in the towel, which is interesting to me because I feel like that has been my reaction to Los Angeles, is to just throw in the towel. I think for two years, I thought that I could accomplish things, do more than one thing in a day, go places, do things. And then I realized, no, the secret of living even moderately happily in Los Angeles is to just scale your ambitions way back. And maybe you can do a thing. You know, when people come here and they say, oh, everyone in L.A. is really laid back and the West coast vibe is different they've just given up we've given up on doing stuff you can't get stuff done so you just stop trying that's the west coast vibe that's all you have left that's all you have left i um uh i i should mention uh jordan morris out of town this weekend of course one of our all-time favorite uh j Go guests, Nick Repeat Adams.

Am I still the only guest with a nickname? Well, we've been asking guests to make up their own nicknames, but they've been doing a bad job. I'm not going to lie to you. They've really done a shit job, for the most part. I mean, there's been the occasional flicker of hope, certainly when Kurt Anderson from Studio 360

nicknamed himself Explodo. That was a really... That's pretty good, Kurt. I mean, especially for a public radio host. That's pretty good. You got to hand it to him. But did you actually go to the store, Nick, to buy... Because that looks like a cold beer. That doesn't look like a beer that you brought from home.

I was exploring your area, and I went by the... What's it called? The Supreme? The Superior. The Superior. I went by the Superior and I thought I would refresh myself. The volume, the sheer volume of giant Mexican grocery stores, Mexican supermarkets, like real supermarkets in this neighborhood is overwhelming, but you have to go so far to buy anything other than tortillas. I have to say if you live in a big city, you understand that you have to account

for the demographic when you go to the grocery store. Let's just say that. Which is fine. If you go to Koreatown, the grocery store should be different. You can buy some weird produce. You can buy anytime I need chorizo, I can go get it. It's easy. You can go directly to the source. That's fine and good, and it should be that way.

I think the Superior is an excellent establishment there. Do you really? I really do. What leads you to that opinion, Nick? If you're into sodas cheaply, they really, really have you covered. That's funny because yesterday I was at the Superior, and I was in line, and this guy rolled up behind me in line, and he just put six of those three-liter bottles of soda.

You know like how generic sodas sometimes they'll have like one that says 99 cents really big on it? Sure. It's 50% bigger than a two-liter bottle of Coke. He put just six of those on, and that's just what he was buying. He just went to the store. Real quick, I've got to go grab 18 liters of soda if you could get just direct injections of diabetes what would that cost if you could just get eliminate the middleman the cavities the high blood pressure whatever else a diet can cause when i walk down figaro Boulevard, which is the big street right by my home here in Mount Washington slash Highland Park.

Highland Washington, Mount Park. One of the things that I've been noticing lately is just the enormous proportion of people who are as wide as they are tall. This country is so incredibly fat. as they are tall. This country is so incredibly fat. And I'm not a health nut, you know, or an exercise guru by any stretch of the imagination,

but America is so incredibly disgustingly fat. It's hard not to think about it all day, every day. If you leave your house, you are going to see someone who is freakishly obese. They're just sticking it up

and they're getting all up in your face. I mean, it's shocking. It's shocking. I don't know how you can get that fat. But you, well, Flamin' Hot Cheetos is the local version. And three liters of soda. Yeah, around here, it's specifically those two things that lead people to become fat.

I mean, there are other ways in other parts of the country. You know, certainly chicharrones are part of it. I'm not going to say that's not part of it. The bacon wrap hot dog doesn't help. They sell that in the store. Where? Yesterday, I had a barbecue here at the house. At the Superior.

Yesterday, I had a barbecue here at the house, and we had a vegetarian coming over, and I don't really know how to cook any vegetarian food. People were bringing side dishes and stuff, but I didn't want to consign that vegetarian to macaroni salad and salad salad. Because that's all I knew they would have. And so I thought, I better have some tofu dogs on hand in case they want something a little bit more barbecue-y. And I went to every grocery store in my neighborhood looking for tofu dogs. And I should have known going in that they weren't going to have them. But my brother actually went to ask someone, do you have any tofu dogs?

And they laughed at him. They laughed at him. The first person admittedly laughed at him because they didn't really speak English and they thought it was funny that he was saying tofu dog because it just sounded funny to them. But the second person, the manager, actually had stronger English skills. I wouldn't say strong English skills, but stronger.

And laughed at him yet again at the notion that they would have that. But in that section where we were looking for tofu dogs, which was a huge, don't get me wrong, the hot dog and sausage section of this grocery store is monstrous. There are many, many, many choices. But one of them is a prepackaged bacon-wrapped hot dog. That way you don't have to wrap the hot dog in bacon yourself. It's slippery and, you know, you don't have to buy a whole pack of bacon and then you got to ease all those gooey things out. But you had a positive experience at the Superior, Nick. You not only bought yourself a nice Japanese beer,

you also purchased for yourself that plastic beer mug. Why not? If you'd have told me, I have this promotional beer mug that's sitting downstairs that we got from the IFC show Mustache Wars. I don't know exactly what the connection between steins and mustache wars is but um we we got it and uh julia handed it to me and she said do you want this do you have to give any presents to people you don't like i could have given it to you so does she hate beer drinkers steins that particular show why that's a great what. What are you going to do with a promotional beer, Stein?

Is it a real Stein? For a comedy? It is. It's glass. I would suggest you drink beer out of it from now until your wife drops it, trying to put it into the dishwasher. I mean, it's a Stein. Who doesn't want a Stein? Every time I drink beer, then, I'm going to be advertising Mustache Wars on IFC.

Bam. Conversation starter. Why are you fighting it, Jesse? Like, why do you have that mug for that show that you're definitely not gonna watch hey jesse thorne showbiz hipster where'd you get that free uh hollywood swag that's all it is that's all that's how jordan gets all his underpants enjoy it enjoy it man but your job is only as good as the amount of free stuff you can get but did you did you feel like you had a secure like a like a positive overall experience at because i kind of like the mexican grocery store to be frank with

i i really enjoy it and what to to top it all off the ease with which they check you out if you have an alcoholic beverage is excellent i know that i'm not an old looking guy, but I think I look, you know, 21, 31, you know. Okay. So, you know, I buy the beer and they don't card me, which is fine. I don't, you know, I always expect to be carded. But the woman asked me what my birth date was. And that was it. That was their security.

Like, if you're not smart enough to do quick 21, you know, minus000, then you don't get to buy this beer. That's their security system. She didn't ask you what your sign was. That's what the bouncer would usually ask at a 21 and over show. They'd take your card and they'd be like, okay, what's your sign? Yeah, yeah. Or something like that. No, she didn't even see my ID.

So she just, you know, pure honor system at the Superior. The other day I was making, I'm going to say a meatloaf, something like that. And it called for ground veal as part of the mix. As part of the classic meatloaf mix is part pork, part veal, part beef. And I called for ground veal. So I went to the grocery store and I thought, they do have a lot of different meats there. They might have some ground veal so i went to the grocery store and i thought they do have a lot of different meats there they might have some ground feel there and you know this is a this is a meat counter where you can purchase your um you know your your secondary and tertiary meat groups you know

feet hats you know this is the local at the superior yeah i'm sure they got you covered yeah they have everything that's what i figured you see, once you see the 17 different marinades of flat meat they have, and, you know, like, I'm a big, I'm a flat meat enthusiast. So I'm into this whole selection that they have, especially compared to, say, a Trader Joe's where you only get three choices. Right, right. So I felt confident that I would be able to get my meatloaf mix at the Superior. And I went there, and I didn't see any veal at all because i could grind it myself if i needed to but i asked the um i asked the butcher i said hey do you have any um do you have any veal and he looked at me and he said what's that and i said oh it's it's like a it's like a cow that they sort of don't let move around you

very slowly start to realize how disgusting of a human being you are for eating veal it's a baby cow and they confine its movements and fatten it up really quickly and then we eat it and and he goes oh no man that's cruel. And I'm like, really? Because you're a butcher. You are a butcher. You have chosen as your career the killing and eating of animals. And anyone who's ever seen any footage of an industrial farm in this country knows that there's nothing more cruel than... You know, you drive the 5 from San Francisco to LA and you pass Couch Witch.

That whole thing is disgusting. It's cruel. It's a cruel odor. Just the odor is enough to call it cruel. Yeah, it's disgusting. But what was amazing was it was one thing when the guy was telling me he didn't know what veal was. I thought, well, maybe he knows the word for veal. His English was very good, but he still might have been English as a second language. maybe he knows the word for veal in spanish and he learned to butcher in spanish

and you know like i i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt i'm like hey this guy isn't some crazy butcher that doesn't know what veal is one of the primary meats in in the world. And then he laid that on me. He laid, oh man, that's cruel. Here's a question. Is it possible that he doesn't know that that's just an English equivalent to a word that he already knows, but also doesn't know what that is.

Like the process, because I'm sure there's a lot of adults in America who would go veal, veal, veal, but then if you asked them what veal was, they would go, I'm not sure, just like pate or foie gras or something. Like if somebody went up to the, like if somebody had a recipe, somebody had a recipe that they got in an ethnic cookbook and they went to their local Vons or Safeway or Piggly Wiggly and they asked for beria and then they didn't know they were asking for goat.

Right. They don't know what it actually is. Yeah, they couldn't, you know. And I still believe that there's a lot of people who know these terms but don't know what the process is of creating that or don't know how that animal is. They don't want to get involved. They don't want to get involved.

They don't want to get involved. Maybe they just haven't, you know, found out, you know. Especially growing up, like, growing up where I grew up, there wasn't a lot of anything outside the norm, you know. Where did you grow up? North Carolina? North Carolina. I describe it as Dillon, North Carolina.

Oh, sure. I'm a Friday Night Lights enthusiast. That's what my town was like. So, you know, There was no foie gras There was no sushi There was no pate There were some Really good role models

When it comes to Having a healthy marriage Yes Yes Eric and Mrs. Taylor Yeah sure It's over Jesse It's over

The whole show is over Yeah it's over Friday Night was the big finale I heard the guy's gonna The guy might Make a movie about it I would watch A Friday Night Lights movie I watched a couple I watched I watched a season big finale i heard the guy's gonna the guy might uh make a movie about it i would watch a friday

night lights movie i watched a couple see i watched uh i watched a season of friday night lights and then there were some things i liked about it there were some things in season two i want to say and i just got off board if you i mean i don't watch a lot of it's it started crazy shit i can't i have a trouble i have a hard time watching dramatic television, I think, because I get annoyed and upset when crazy shit starts to happen for no reason. And because of this nature of American television that you have to make 25 hours a year, just all of a sudden you run out of normal shit that can happen and just crazy shit starts happening. And you very quickly realize when you're talking out a story like someone said this to this character what should they say well the only logical response is x y and z and then the episode's over like that's it so very quickly someone has to do or say that's why there's not one single horror movie ever produced where a

character doesn't do something incredibly don't go in there don't leave don't split up don't separate don't go investigate don't don't do any of that someone has to do something stupid for the fucking story to continue and you know this as we should explain you're a professional television writer yes although you don't write a lot of horror films no well you know i have a lot of free time though in the room you never know what ideas i'm working on you're sitting in the back there they're hashing out jokes for Zooey Deschanel, and you're just scribbling longhand on a legal pad your ideas for horror movies.

What I am known for in the room is everyone, like not everybody, but most people doodle, and I do household financial calculations. That's my doodling. You've got a sort of longhand mint.com. I do. Screw mint.com. Screw fool.

I got it all figured out. You've got a top to bottom. What are you looking at for an eating out budget? For an eating out? I don't do hardcore strict budgeting, per se. I know how much we spend. Well, you got to know how much you're sending to your Roth and your SEP. What about your SEP?

I know how much we spend, but I don't itemize how much we spend. And what are you sending to your SEP, though? What about your Roth? You got me. I'm not at the Roth level of investing yet, and I don't know what SEP is. Well, once this Jordan go uh with guest host nick adams thing takes off you're not gonna have to worry about it you're gonna be you're gonna be fucking rolling in it yeah we're gonna be hanging on coming up to you and handing your 20 bills what are you doing some day trading on that monitor over there right now absolutely well

on this monitor on this monitor i'm trading hog futures we'll be back in just a second jordan jesse go hog futures. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. Oh, Nick, it's a pleasure to have you here. Thank you for coming on the program. Thanks for having me on the program. I love talking, I love sitting Well, good, we've got those in spades Win-win

My little brother is in the room, by the way He came to visit me this weekend First time he's come to visit me in this house here in Los Angeles The resemblance is uncanny, first of all. Yeah, especially, he's my half-brother, too, so take that into consideration. It's pretty serious. That half has some powerful mojo working.

Absolutely, yeah. Because it overcame the woman. I don't care about you. I don't need you in this mix. No, the moms are out. They're out of it. Moms are out. Thorns are in.

I'm putting my stamp on this one too yeah what's amazing is we do have a youngest brother uh who's a teenager in high school and he uh he looks like his mother he doesn't if i stood next to him you would not say those two guys are brothers i mean if i told you we were brothers you would be like okay i can see it but you you wouldn't you wouldn't anticipate that you don't see the thorn stamp. John, my brother here, he's just started his first real, real job, which is amazing. I mean, he's about 21 years old, 22, recently turned 22 years old, graduated from college. He had like an admin job, like a sort of office assistant type job.

But he just got kicked up to like a job where he's actually something. And I'm very proud of him. He makes more money than Teresa or I had made through age 29. So he's not in the entertainment industry at all? No, not at all, no. Clearly. He's been going around offering to hook people up with free MRI scans all weekend.

That's a good card to have in your back pocket. It's a nice hustle. That's a nice hustle. I mean, I think you should start a black market MRI business. Yeah, because you just need to get the machine, right? Anybody can work that fucking machine. Yeah, you just press the scan button as far as I know. You can do that.

You can pull that off. I don't have a sophisticated understanding of it. I'm not an MRI technician. But from what I understand, you just press the use magnets to take a picture of the brain. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you could figure it out. My brother John here, he is a natural born hustler as well. Of course, because all true hustlers recognize that the MRI game is about to blow up. Yeah, no doubt.

No doubt, Nick. John's hustles, John's primary hustles that he's described to us this weekend are, number one, arguing about the price of a T-shirt at the T-shirt store. Which is, if you go to the right kind of T-shirt, right slashshirt at the t-shirt store which is if you go to the right kind of teach right slash wrong kind of t-shirt you're talking about the three for twelve dollar like on santa monica boulevard i'm talking about the kind of t-shirt store well i've noticed i mean this is the third day that john has woken up in my or the third day that i've seen john here in my home it is the third day that he he has worn a T-shirt with essentially some graphic meme with the words in it replaced with something based on Bay Area. And as an avid Internet shopper and browser, I can attest that there are a lot of those T-shirts.

Yeah, and John's are all Bay Area based. And you don't buy those on the internet. You buy those at the store where you have to yell at the guy to get him to reduce the price. Maybe some Koreans are involved. Yeah, it could be Koreans. Not even a stereotype, just a California fact. You can't make cheap T-shirts without involving Koreans. Don't write in.

It's true. San Francisco, you might be looking at filipinos uh more likely but you know you have your various ethnicities that are likely to run a t-shirt store where uh many of the t-shirts feature graphic prints including dollar signs but i'm but there are so many like excellent like i've seen a lot of t-shirts like the whole upper playground thing sure i see a t-shirt i'm like wow that's great but it's shouting out it's shouting out san francisco and that's not not hate i love san francisco but i'm not gonna wear that t-shirt because i'm from la you know that's just how i do you know we'd have to beat you into a coma outside of our ballpark oh wait no the other way around oh i see what you did there yeah i i somehow reversed threatened myself.

But that's okay. So that's John's one hustle that he's really excited to tell everybody about. And God bless him for it. Because honestly, certainly, like, did I buy a t-shirt for my beautiful wife, Teresa, that says Hyphy Wifey on it? Yes, I did. That's pretty hot. I am not against uh i am not against a yay area themed right t-shirt nor should you be do do did i own a t-shirt uh from upper playground with a giant print print out of a bart ticket on it a subway ticket on it you like a bart

ticket i did i'm not against a bar ticket t-shirt. I'm not against any of these things. But this other hustle is probably the most delightful. Now, I will begin by saying that I want to make it clear that John now earns, you know, a basic middle class wage. Wow, that's early to get there. He earns a reasonable, I mean, I don't think John certainly couldn't support a family. But he could, if he wanted to, even in San Francisco, have his own junior one bedroom. You know what I mean? Like, he's fine. He's making enough money to take care of business, you know, put a little bit away, buy a car if he wants to, that kind of thing.

Can I give him some sage advice? Yeah, of course. Because I'm significantly older than he is. And you're great at financial planning. We learned earlier. I have a legal pad, guys. I'm a little bit older than you, a fair amount older than you. I don't give a lot of advice, but as a 38-year-old, if I could speak to a 22-year-old and tell

him one thing, someone in your position who has a good job, who's about to start doing things, find a woman that's making the same amount of money you are. You double everything. Like, everything doubles. The apartment gets twice as good. Your travel gets twice as good. Find a good gal. So here's the hustle that my brother John is running.

And he broke this whole thing down for us. It was seriously, it was like an expository scene in The Wire. Him breaking down. It was like Lester Freeman was explaining to a white cop how the hood works. We're building something here, detective. And all the pieces matter. So this is what John's hustle is. He made friends when he got this job, and he's been working at this office for about a year.

It's at the research, the medical research portion of a university that also has a hospital and so forth. So he's working there, and he's been working there consistently for a year-ish. And he worked a little bit on and off when he was high school aged there as well as like a 10-hour, 15-hour a week admin. And so he came in just boiling over with excitement to tell me and Teresa about this above anything else. over with excitement to tell me and Teresa about this above anything else. Not we have family that we haven't seen in months that he sees all the time he could have been telling us about so many things he could have been telling us about. But this is what was key to him to tell us about. And it's great. He as soon as he got this job full time, he made a point to make friends with all of the office managers, all of the admin people who are in charge of,

they have a, John, what's the special name? Coordinators. Okay, so he makes friends with all the office managers, a.k.a. coordinators, all the people who are in charge of groups of people, right? Then he convinces them to let him have any food that's left over at the end of a meeting. So they have these catered meetings like at many offices.

You know, you have a lunch meeting, it's catered. And at two o'clock when the meeting ends or three o'clock sometimes when the meeting ends, he gets all the food left over from the meeting that they would have been throwing away. John swoops in and takes it. And now John's trump card here is that he'll take all of it. So it's not a situation where they have to call 10 different people because they have 10 sandwiches. They just call John. We win by dealing in volume.

Exactly. We deal in volume. That's how we pass the savings on to you. They call my brother John and they get their one stop shop. They know it's just it's just as easy to give 10 sandwiches to John as it is to put 10 sandwiches into the garbage can. Right. So John comes and gets 10 sandwiches. Now, here's the thing.

It would be one level of sophistication if John just ate one of the sandwiches and threw nine of them away. But that's not how this works. The thing that kicks this up to, like, racketeering, the thing that kicks this up to FBI investigation is John then, he eats one of the sandwiches, which he's waited until 3 p.m to eat lunch so that in the hopes that he's going to get a free sandwich a lot of planning he's so he eats one of these sandwiches and then he has nine sandwiches he then distributes these sandwiches to the other coordinators the other office managers who didn't have a meeting that day so that he knows that the next time they do have a meeting he'll be the guy that they call because he's the guy who brings them free sandwiches which is he takes nine sandwiches

to guarantee that he will get one sandwich the next time it's a look it's the logistics is where he makes the money he's like ups so you're getting a free sandwich what would you say once a week this man is eating for free. That's the thing. Four times a week? John, come over here to this microphone so you can talk on the microphone just for a second. John, tell Nick Adams how many sandwiches you're getting for free a week. So, Nick, I probably get on average about 100, 125 free sandwiches a week.

It's not all sandwiches, obviously. Sometimes more high-level meetings. a week. It's not all sandwiches, obviously. Sometimes more high-level meetings. Seriously, he could be making he could be making 50 grand a year just from reselling sandwiches. But what Jesse hasn't mentioned is

I've also made friends with all the janitors and all the people that make the food in the in-house cafe. So I eat free lunch from the in-house cafe. They just give me a free sandwich there. This is what he does with his this boy this young man has a prodigious mind but this is where he went wrong he went to normal elementary school and then our anarchist stepmother my stepmother his mother evil genius high school decided he no decided he shouldn't go to high

school shouldn't go to middle school or high school and so he he had all he had six years or had seven years from sixth grade to twelfth grade to just come up with schemes like this wait so you didn't go to school at all well i went to city college he eventually took his high school proficiency exam and started taking uh started taking classes at the city college wait wait is your life this interesting that you can ignore the most obviously interesting story in the room the fact that your little brother didn't go to high school i think i think we've talked about the the madness that this caused in the younger members of my family yeah i passed out of high school uh two weeks after my 13th birthday yeah he took his california see to be fair the high school two weeks after my 13th birthday. Yeah, he took his California... See, to be fair, the high school proficiency exam in California essentially is...

It's a joke. It's like a literacy test. Yeah. It could also be used as a racist poll gateway to keep the illiterate from voting. It essentially just says, like, C-A-T, what animal is that? So, the average, sort of bright 13-year-old could get, like, a good Bible in high school.

Yeah, absolutely. A bright 13-year-old with, you know, somebody that can read and write and do arithmetic functionally. But that's great if you're, I mean, I think that sounds like the best course of action. But that's the thing. Unless you go to a great high school, unless you live in a great school district or something. But Nick, let me ask you this question.

Was the most important part about you going to high school the things that you learned in your classes in high school? No. Yeah, okay. So there you go. So there's the weakness in this plan. Because what you end up with is all this free time. And what do you do in the free time? You come up with sandwich plans no but i'm saying like the execution maybe left something to be desired but the idea the idea was to build a sandwich mogul no no i'm saying

for a teenager to liberate them from the high school grind unless you go to like the fame school or something like that which i did i did go to the fame school then absolutely i mean i went to sort of a classic basic american high school you've seen friday night lights you've seen the high school that i went to it's that and if there had been some alternative like where there was actual structure and there was like a plan involved removing myself from that you're right but you just said you just made the classic mistake you said where there's where there's a plan but that's what i'm saying that's that was my point my point was the idea i think is sound the execution left something to be desired i don't maybe it sounds like it well it cares here's what it definitely is also gainfully employed and you know it's not like he's the definite result of this the the clear positive is that he's definitely an excellent luncheon hustler

um he is running he has got every angle covered like he is essentially like if you think he is this puppy started as an intern i'm just throwing that out there he started out as a bad boy john is the stringer bell of sandwiches i'm just, you gotta start somewhere, you know. He's playing the long game. He's not dropping bodies. This is true. I definitely took some economics classes. Later for that gangster bullshit.

It's only so long that you can play that game, though, because of the mayonnaise issue. The mayo could go bad. So it's a really, it's like a 12-hour game that he's playing. See See I thought you were Going to say Then he takes them all And gives them to the homeless Or something like that

No No he redistributes them To reinforce his network You could give out Free sandwiches To homeless people In exchange for them Doing stuff for you

And then you could have Your whole Like a whole homeless army I do have a contact In Food Runners For the extras Food Runners What is that?

What's Food Runners? Oh, they come pick it up and bring it to homeless people. Oh, okay. Oh, that's pretty nice. I'm pretty nice. Gotta hustle, Jesse. He's gotta hustle, man. He's making the world a better place one sandwich at a time.

He's finding the angles. I'd like to see... How about the angles? What I imagined when i heard it john doesn't have doesn't really have a home at the moment but um i when he does get a home i imagine him having a secret cave underneath that home and if i go into that secret cave there's like a huge wall-sized whiteboard with just a complicated drawing with like with polaroids you know taped to it and pictures of sandwiches drawn in between and like vegetarian written underneath some of the

polaroids the first person to design like an app or a piece of software that emulates that big board from the wire in your daily life finances calendar you know my mother-in-law's coming to visit but i'm supposed to hang out with my friend on this night and also includes phone taps it should also include phone taps the amount of planning that i put into getting my pot out of the house because my in-laws are in town could have taken up that application it would have been the perfect app on my android phone that app by the way what i was gonna do that app by the way the thing that i think is hamstrung its success is that it can only be it can only be used on disposable telephones purchased at the convenience burners yes we'll be back in just a second on jordan

jesse go it's jordan jesse go i I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm your guest co-host, Nick Repeat Adams. Nick, did you see this? You had your beer stein on top of a very important document. My novelty beer stein. You're welcome to that beer stein, by the way. You can take it home with you. Thank you.

I thank you. I was thinking about how fun it would be to throw it out a window, like a high window. I thought somebody might get hurt. I think you're just overall devaluing the the benefits of a good style do you think i might still be upset do you think it's possible i might still be upset that they canceled my television program ifc go that's possible it's a good network um film yourself the important document that i don't know why i received this catalog this this catalog that your beer was on top of i've been getting more catalogs lately um i don't i have never bought something from a

catalog in my entire life never in my entire life um i've bought things online right uh that's there's that's and you start getting catalogs because of that. Right, right, right. And I do have a few magazine subscriptions and that'll get you catalogs. Yeah, yeah. But usually when I get a catalog,

I'll get like the Brooks Brothers catalog. I get the Ben Silver catalog, which is like Southeastern Brooks Brothers. I get, you know, it's sort of like, it's like that.

I get the J.L. Powell catalog. That's like Adventure Brooks Brothers. Now you're just bragging. You're just bragging about how well dressed you are. These are catalogs. This started out in earnest, Adventure Books Brothers. Now you're just bragging. You're just bragging about how well-dressed you are. These are catalogs. This started out in earnest, in earnest frustration, and now you're just bragging.

These are catalogs that are reasonably associated with things that I might buy from a catalog. If you know Jesse Thorne, you could think, hey, he might. Even though I've never bought anything from a catalog, I've never looked in a catalog, seen something I wanted, called up the thing, and asked for it. But then you go to the website. No, I don't think I've ever done that either. Really? Yeah. But I mean, I get the J.Crew catalog. I just throw them away. I don't, I don't have no interest in catalogs, but this catalog is magical. In fact, it is literally magical. It's pretty sweet. It's called, it just showed up in my mailbox it's called the pyramid collection um which honestly sounds more

like a cult than anything else it sounds like a it's maybe a series of collectible plates for a cult maybe a romance novel myth magic fantasy and romance is the subtitle of it uh and magic by the way is spelled with a k at the end. This is a women's clothing catalog. People might not understand. If you think this is just a women's clothing catalog, Nick, you've got a course correction ahead of you. Yes. Do they offer women's clothing? Yes, of course they do.

Sure, sure. Are goddess sizes no extra cost? And that's more material that they have to use. So they could charge you more. But they don't do that. When did obesity... Look, I don't really... I don't have any beef with the obese.

It's no problem. No sweat off my back. No pun intended. However, if the obese, and specifically the female obese, are going to claim as their category goddess, if you think that gaining weight is your ticket to deification, to literal deification. It also demonstrates a terrifying lack of Greek and Roman mythology. All the images we have of goddesses, I don't think there's a lot of Rubenesque goddesses.

Athena. Most of the things in this catalog, number one, they're pretty much arranged. If you're wondering how you would sort of arrange things in a catalog like this, it's by color. how you would sort of arrange things in a catalog like this it's by color so you have purple aqua lilac dark aqua dark purple uh rose this one is rose um it is a truly majestic catalog geranimals for old women it's it's like geranimals for casual friday at the renaissance fair can i is that a thing is there a is there a day on the renaissance fair how long is the It's like Geranimals for Casual Friday at the Renaissance Fair. Is that a thing? Is there a day on the Renaissance Fair where they're like... How long is the Renaissance Fair?

You have been doing historically correct Renaissance-y clothes. It's a hassle. I don't... Today, just put on something that seems embarrassing to wear in public, but isn't historically accurate. I really underestimated the Pyramid Collection. Like, my wife and I have a term to describe this sort of clothing. It's based on someone that we worked with years ago. We just call it spin red.

It's sort of like Chico's. That sort of, everything's very flowy and like a lot of elastic. But this is so much more than that. There's like an angel wing back t-shirt that's kind of ed hardy that's for but that t-shirt is for people who believe in angels that's the actual like ed hardy is for people who think angels are cool that's for people who want to talk to angels and the name of the t-shirt is it's letter K, and it says, you deserve them. You deserve angel wings. You deserve angel wings.

After all, you're a goddess. There's also, opposite from the you deserve them t-shirt, there's the American Beauties, which is a very small clutch purse that's made to look like a bouquet of roses. Okay, give it back to me, because I have to show you something really special in this catalog so it's basically just you're i was flipping through this catalog because it is amazing it's pretty hilarious and you know you're looking at the costume jewelry here's here's uh here for example is a pair of sunglasses that are purple in the shape of butterfly wings wow you could do some really great ironic shopping from this catalog um their spectacle are is the purple butterfly sunglasses headline here's one here's one for like a uh a purple glass necklace pendant oh genuine quartz crystal excuse me crystal balls

yes and who knows how many small insights you may scry from the genuine quartz crystal spheres, Renaissance-styled pendant? Question mark. Scry. Hold on. You're going to do some serious scrying. So I thought... They went deep into the thesaurus.

Like the people who are listening to this program right now oh my god this decorative dragon incense burner is really something holy moly the the incense comes out of its dragon nose um i kind of want to sign up for this catalog uh you just want to turn that into a bong um so i thought i had this catalog's number. Okay. I thought. You thought you had them pegged. I'm like, you know, I get it. Chakra jewelry. Sounds about right.

I get it. Sort of faux peasant blouses. Sure. A lot of that. Um, I, I get it. You know, dress that's made to look like a scarf. I'm going to guess there's lots of capri pants in there. Pedal pushers, if you will.

There's a lot of, there's a lot of different stuff. And that's when I got to stuff and that's when i got to the that's when i got to the the theme lingerie section of this oh just got a little dark um midnight magic beads sequins embroidery a dress to delight the senses. This sensual, seductive design falls from spaghetti straps to a rippling, ball-fringed ham. Lined 100% polyester. Can I see? Wait. Okay, so, but I...

I can't even imagine what that looks like from that description. I need to get further. Okay, so, sure. Yes. Black glass necklace pendant that's shaped like a dagger. Certainly. Okay. A cotton jersey dress with an airbrushed face of a cat that takes up the whole front?

As someone who is a cat aficionado and my wife has very many cat garments, that's the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen. The headline, Nick, is cool cat. No, not cool. Not cool cat. Every witch, W in witch is capitalized, by the way. I don't know why that is a proper noun, but every witch has her familiar.

Peering from the shadows, this wide-eyed feline looks out from the front of this midnight black tank dress. 100% cotton, machine washable. So it's sort of a wicking maybe undercurrent in there So I feel like I mean you know Some things are making me a little bit

Uncomfortable Some of it is kind of maybe turning you on a little bit And then I got to this The dildo section They just took it up a notch This catalog has an entire Dildo section. Jesse, do you think the woman who's buying these clothes is having sex on a regular basis?

Is that what you're telling me? Well, I don't... Well, these are not... I don't think that many of these... These ladies... Well, I don't know. I've heard things about Renaissance fairs. I don't know if you've heard of a little event called a secret sex party, Nick. I don't know what that is.

This is something where people go to these things and then they they break out their uh pyramid collection catalogs and go to town listen this is this is you're just being co-opted by a puritanical outlook on life this this is totally healthy to have a singing bowl and magic in a bottle what is the singing bowl in there for, by the way? That's the kind of, that's like the kind of ringing bowl that you like rub the rim and it makes a sound. Maybe that's supposed to get. What is that? What is the fucking part of that?

Why is it in the fucking section? I don't know, Jesse. Maybe you and Teresa should purchase a singing bowl. What's up with this? What's up with the super kegel Exerciser You gotta tighten it up If you don't use it you'll lose it

You know what that is That is a vaginal thymaster Look at the picture of the super kegel exerciser It is a vaginal thymaster Here's where I am sexually gang The singing bowl whatever That's a little freaky Super kegel okay You do kegel exercises that's a little freaky sure weird super kegel okay you do kegel

exercises that's a real thing this is even better whatever or it's some sort of just exercise you know scam whatever that's fine here's where they lost me on the other page on page 47 uh p pedal power and it's just a vibrator but it's got like floral print. Just make a vibrator. Don't put flowers on it and try to like pretty it up. Just be a grown woman who masturbates and use a vibrator. It's a totally standard issue vibrator. It's not huge. It doesn't have veins. It has a print on it that looks like a great grandmother's sofa.

It's ridiculous. It is literally pink and purple flowers, but I figured it would be like a bumper sticker on a Volkswagen New Beetle-styled when you said that. Right. No, this is upholstery. Like just one daisy?

This is an upholstery illustration. No, it's awful. It's awful. Just masturbate. Don't make it a goof. It is... This is... I feel like I am in an amazing secret world that features.

I mean, it is completely overwhelming to me. You could build a Christopher Guest mockumentary around the producing, the production of that catalog. Like, that company could be so hilarious. This is, the dildo section, by the way, is called the Richter scale. And then the themed sex outfits. And there's a picture of Andy Richter. It's not about what you think it's about.

The themed sex outfits section is called Wicked. And it features... It's based on the Ice Cube song, right? That's what it's about. That's what they're referencing. It's based on the musical Wicked. It features not just a velvet, reversible, black-to-red, little red riding hood cape. Wait, a reversible cape?

Yes. It is reversible. Okay. It's two capes in one. Because, you know, you've got your standard black on one side, I'm assuming, and then probably like a striking red in case you want to be bold and make a statement. Is that what they're saying? Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you. Rouge noir rouge a formal cape fit for a count or countess created with an accent i'm gonna guess countess created with an accent on the sumptuous our deluxe fully hooded reversible evening cape falls in a lush doubleick cascade of plush velvet fitted with slit arm openings and a reversible black-red velvet covered button at the neck. Generously cut for graceful drape. Goddesses. Even over goddesses. It makes a fiery statement. Worn red side out. Or black side out.

It is a significant statement, no matter what side out your hooded velvet cape is. Maybe go black. That you're wearing possibly in a public place. Also, fatties, cape not flattering? Somebody should say it. This is a, they literally have a sterling silver matching ring and necklace set of teeth with vampire fangs. Ugh, I don't get the vampire shit. White people. The guy's dead.

Like, what is it? I will not have you generalizing this to my race. I will not have you. Come on. I will not have you generalizing this to my race. I will not have you... Come on. I will not accept on behalf of my people a sole responsibility for vampires. I'm just saying, Tyler Perry doesn't exist because of white people, and Twilight does not exist because of black people. That's not us. It pays to brush often, as these nibbly little pieces attest, cast in serving sterling silver to make a lasting impression

this is so bad this is unreal this is real like a serving wench outfit that you just turned past everything in here is that this it's just celtic knots it's just pure insanity. This entire thing. It's ridiculous. It's pretty ridiculous. This came to my door. Anyway. You're on some list. Some list.

I want to know what you get. Pirate sex play enthusiasts list. Oh, this cape is so hot. Here's the thing. If you're in your 20s or 30s and you're a woman and you listen to maximum fun podcast and you're like i should do something sort of sexy and cool and fun and spice up my thing with my dude like ironically if you just purchased some of this stuff and like had a push-up bra on or if you wore the cape and didn't

have like anything underneath but underwear, and he was like, what the fuck are you wearing? And then you took the stupid cape off. You lit some incense. Right. Put it into your dragon. Or maybe if you wore the sweet surrender here. What's that? It's just like a jacket tempering its dramatic flair.

Exquisite scalloped lace trims the edges of my lady's open cardigan style jacket. You know who this actually, there are some items in this that would work well for Apollonia or possibly Sheila E. That's basically E. Oh, listen, if I were to see... Or my high school American history teacher. That's the two people. I've never seen her, but she's in some really good company, Jack. She must be something special.

Let's just say that she's not playing the same game as Apollonia or Vanity. She's in a different league. Yeah, she's in a different... Apollonia wearing the sweet surrender here would be pretty, pretty spectacular. My high school American history teacher would probably wear one of these things and then accessorize it with an FDR pin. FDR for president. That's kind of hot. Maybe just the FDR pin.

This catalog is so... There's another cape, too. It's amazing. It came to my door. My home where I live. Someone must have paid at least 50 cents to send this to me, right?

Like, at least 50 cents. So the company that makes this catalog, what does it cost for them to send out one catalog? It's got to be 50 cents because you've got to pay postage and you've got to print it, right? Right, right. Plus you've got photography costs. Plus you've got to be 50 cents Because you got to pay postage And you got to print it Right? Right

Plus you got photography costs Plus you got to They got a whole team Of copywriters Rating that golden Photography costs So you get a digital camera And an intern

Check This owl t-shirt Think of how much money They spent just on branding To come up with the name The Pyramid Collection Somebody had You had to pay

A WGA You know Writer to come up with All this imagery Thatramid Collection. Somebody had to pay a WGA writer to come up with all this imagery that they got here. That is, they're purely union. They're using the entertainment union. Guillermo del Toro wrote all of this. This is what The Strike was about. The residuals on this pyramid.

As visually inventive as del Toro is, his copywriting could use a little bit of help. This is scarier than anything that's ever been in any of his movies. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Sitting in, the sumptuous Nick Repeat Adams. Nick, a favorite past guest, filling in for Jordan this week. Hey, guess what? We got lots of stuff up on the Jumbotron this week, Nick Adams. First of all, from our friend Matt at MetafilterFuelLead.com. Somebody just asked me on the forum how to spell fueled.com. F-U-E-L-L-Y. It's like cute.

This is a website that you go to if you are a gas mileage enthusiast. If you are interested in cataloging your gas mileage, you go, you register your car on fueled.com. They make it easy. And then every time you fill up your gas tank, you take note of your odometer or whatever and type it into fueli.com on your phone or what have you. And then it gives you special detailed readouts of what kind of gas mileage you're

getting so that you can inspire yourself to save money and get better gas mileage and save the earth and so forth. I went on to fueli.com today and so forth. Okay. I went on to Fuley... I have no... I went on to Fuley.com today and the number one

vehicle on Fuley.com, the most registered vehicle, there's several thousand of them as I recall, is the Volkswagen

Jetta. So I think that gives you an idea of the demographics for Fuley.com at the moment. What are you saying about Jetta drivers?

Nothing. I have nothing. Nothing. No. They enjoy hanging out with their pals and listening to cool tunes and doing synchronized dances.

Some sweet tracks. Anyway, it's all at it's all at Fuley.com. Hey, and how about this one? Well, this is a great one.

This one's straight off the Jumbotron from our friend Ben Harrison, the videographer of MaxFunCon and MaximumFun.org. He has this project called Hella Bitter. This is a line of cocktail bitters.

There are currently three different bitters in the line that are inspired by his Bay Area heritage. Clearly. Ben is from Oakland, California, and that's why they're called Hella Bitter. And they feature Ben doing a fizz face on the label. Wait, wait. What's a face?

A fizz face. Oh. I feel like that's something I'm supposed to know about. Nick, you should know what a fizz face is. John, do a fizz face for Nick. Oh, so like a mean mug? No, it's not like a mean mug. It's supposed to be...

Oh, like a sour... It's like the face that you make if you just smell the fart or just put some chewable ecstasy into your mouth because it tastes really gross. You had me and then you lost me. Fart, I knew. Chewable ecstasy. Yeah. I'm almost 40.

I don't know anything about chewables. Yeah, well, you know, you got to get involved in that Mac Dre situation. Anyway, he's making a fizz face. Here's the deal with the hella bitter. He sent us some and it is fucking great. But then you got to make a whole fancy cocktail. Here's the deal with the hella bitter. He sent us some, and it is fucking great. But then you've got to make a whole fancy cocktail. No, you don't. Here's the thing.

You can enjoy bitters in soda. That's what I've been enjoying. That's just a dash of bitters in club soda, and it makes it aromatic and flavorful without being alcoholic or anything like that. In fact, bitters, I learned from Nick, are actually considered a condiment, legally speaking, so you don't even have to have a liquor license to sell them. What's in it? It's liquor. Really?

Yeah, well, you take stuff and macerate it in liquor and steep the liquor in it so the liquor gets the flavors really intensely. And then that way, that's why you only need a dash to give it a flavor. And then what do you do with it? Do you crystallize it or whatever? I don't know.

I'm not a chef. You just said macerate. I did say macerate. I would have finished it. That's true. I did say macerate. Anyway, here's the deal. Ben Harrison's has this great line of bitters, which I have been enjoying.

I've been enjoying his citrus bitters in Dr. Peppers, which is actually really wonderful. With the beets by Dre. And if you go to hella-bitter.com, they are starting a Kickstarter. They funded this whole project through Kickstarter. Now they've got it in stores and bars in Brooklyn where they're based. Well, then they're made. If it's in fucking Brooklyn, it's going to happen. And they've just started a second Kickstarter, and it's to achieve their dream, which is

to have a bitters and soda cart. So all summer in Brooklyn, they'll be humping it around Williamsburg or whatever, selling glasses of bitters and soda, which is a fantastically refreshing beverage. I like it.

Can you get a liquor license to do a truck? Is that possible? You don't need a liquor license. No, but I'm saying you take it to I like it. If you want to check it out. Can you get a liquor license to do like a truck? Is that possible? I just. You don't need a liquor license. That's the thing. No, but I'm saying you take it to the next level. Oh, so you're talking about a cocktail truck. I'm a kind of a drinker.

That seems unlikely to me. Why? But if you brought a cocktail to them, they'd give you a dash of bitters. Yeah, okay. So in Williamsburg this summer, walk around with an open container. Yeah. And in the meantime, hella-bitter.com. We also have a job, a job listing. I like this job listing. Tough container. Yeah, and in the meantime, hella-bidder.com. We also have a job listing.

I like this job listing. Tough times. Yeah. People are going on to MaxFunPodcast looking for gigs. You got to broaden your search. Yeah, this is Willie Vander Hayden. Made up.

This is phony. This whole thing's a goof. Vander Hayden? Yeah, Vander Hayden. Come on, kids. Vander Hayden. He's moving to San Diego in October with his wife. I think it's one of these situations where his wife has got a new job in San Diego and

he doesn't have one yet. He is a PhD. It's actually Dr. William Vander Hayden. His PhD is in neuroscience and he studies the genetic and anatomical regulation of sleep in the fruit fly. And he's coming to you to help get a job? So this is what he's looking for. Either, number one, a postdoc job in academia,

which I think is reasonable. Sounds like he's qualified for that. Or two, a job doing research in industry. Or three, a hip record store downtown. Those are the two things that he's looking for. Willie Vander Hayden. And all you have to do is go to sciencewillie.blogspot.com if you want to get in touch with him. Wait a minute.

Sciencewilly.blogspot.com. You can't have a PhD and then have a website called Science Willie. Sciencewilly.blogspot.com. That way you can hire him, who, by the way, he has been struck by lightning. So you know. I love this guy already, man. You know he's good. I also want to issue a correction on last week's program.

Or excuse me, two weeks ago, we ran a promotion for Alan Home. And I read his slogan as, there's no I in home. Which I thought was an odd but distinctive slogan. Sure. I liked it because uh i liked it because it showed his team spirit right and he was looking for a gig at the time about me it's actually he was just trying to clarify how to spell his name it was there's no l in home as in it's not spelled like sherlock holmes is spelled so it's hom so our apologies to alan home if you

want to have a message maybe you should should stick with yours? Yeah, sure. Mine is good. It's catchy. And that was free to you, Alan. Free to you. Okay. If you want to have a message on a future

Jordan Jesse Go podcast or any of our MaxFun podcasts, just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It is very cheap. $100 for a personal message,

$200 for a business message. Wish somebody happy birthday. Plug your Kickstarter, get a job, what have you. Maximumfund.org slash jumbotron. And if you want any of these links, you can always find them in the forum in the episode sponsors post there, right in the show section. So if you ever didn't get to write down a URL or whatever, you can find it right there.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Nick, repeat Adams. Nick Adams filling in for Jordan this week. Nick, you've been on this program before. You know how momentous occasions works. I do, I do.

You know how it works? Fucking tremendously. That's how it works. Let's go to the tape. Let's do it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. I just had a momentous occasion. First, I saw my real live pair of breasts, and then I learned how to drive a boat.

So I'm basically living the American dream. Okay, see you later. He probably meant to say his first real life pair of breasts. Or he's a very special young man. And he's been wearing an undershirt for the past 20 years. And he just decided to let them out. Yeah. It really, that was really hindered by him misspeaking very slightly.

And just a little bit of difficulty hearing on the call. Because what should have been a great a great really strong to the hoop call which is i just saw my first real life pair of breasts and i learned to drive a boat uh i'm living the american dream goodbye that's that's great that's tight that's solid in my head i heard i just saw my own breasts and learned to drive a boner also goodbye even if you hear it right learn to drive a boat, whatever. Don't include that with the first time you saw a pair of breasts. What if he saw them on the boat, though?

But that's a whole... Boat boobs is a special kind of boobs, I think. He should have led with that. I was on a boat and then I... That's sort of the subtext of every hip-hop video recorded between 1998 and 2003. I also don't think he was excited enough for someone who just saw Titties for the first time. Like, I would have been really, really fired up. Well, maybe he wore—I mean, he also sounded like he could have been 25 years old.

So he may have just—he may have just—he may just go through peaks and valleys in terms of his level of fired-upness. And it just happened to hit him during a valley. And he was just like, oh, God. Maybe he lives in the city and he was just cruising along and saw a homeless woman changing her top at a corner. So it was like, well, I did see boobs. And it was a really sweet boat that he learned to drive. That's the other part that we're leaving out.

It was a really amazing boat. The boobs. Yeah. Kind of, sort of. Yeah. Hey, everyone. I hope this is the right line um this is adam slater i'm calling in with a momentous occasion um for about eight years i was uh uh pretty much since my first job i was a smoker and uh just a little while ago i hit um 72 hours hours without a cigarette.

And I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but from what I understand, the first three days are the hardest. And so I've cleared the hump. So I think that that is, at least to me, it is very momentous. Not only has he cleared the hump, he's also cleared a hump now. Nobody's going to be like, oh, gross. You smell like cigarettes. Right, right. Yeah.

It's like the landing strip has been opened up to him. Yeah. He can just start doing heroin now or something. Yeah. He's got some free time. Well, something that has benefits. Yeah. Not just downsides. Just cancer and lung disease.

Just gross smelliness. Awful. Have you noticed? Good for you. Congratulations. Yeah. Congratulations, man. As you noticed... Good for you. Congratulations. Yeah, congratulations, man. As now like a fashion blogger, I've just noticed because your fashion blog photographers tend to take their pictures in natural light, they're all pictures of people who just went outside

for a smoke. And so every photograph of every person in a men's style blog is them smoking a cigarette. Right. And it always just looks smelly to me. That's what it looks like. It looks like, like, when I look at it, I just think, ugh. Yeah, it's pretty, I mean, some people are worse than others, but it's pretty amazing how strong that stuff can be.

It's nasty. Pretty nasty. People, it's amazing to me. Like, it's not amazing to me when somebody's, you know, like 10 feet away and they're smoking and you're like,

ugh, that smells bad. It's amazing to me when somebody, like, when somebody enters the room and brings smoke stankiness with them even though they're not smoking.

That's pretty amazing. That's reason enough for me to not do it. It is amazing. I am so, I feel so honored to live in this world. I feel so honored to live in the world where we've just made all of that illegal in almost any circumstance. You got a little creepy just now, Jason.

I feel so happy. If I think back to just the volume of smoking that was going on in the world when I was a 7-year-old compared to now as a 30-year-old and I look if you want to smoke I'm not going to stop you from doing it I'm not going to say you can't do that but it's really foul and I'm really happy that it doesn't happen around me I lived here before it was banned in bars and restaurants and it's it's without question much much better and you're a stand-up. You were a stand-up comic before it was banned in bars. And I can't imagine a worse thing than to have to go on stage and talk for half an hour straight in a fucking nasty, smoky room. It's awful.

And I grew up in North Carolina, and all of my mother and my father and my aunts and uncles and my grandma, they all smoked like crazy. And I don't know how I lived like that. But now, I mean, as an adult, it's disgusting to me to be in a room full of cigarette smoke. And you shouldn't be, you shouldn't have to do that unless you're a smoker. I remember when my parents quit smoking and, like, what a huge change it was in my life. As each of my, my parents were divorced, so when each of them quit smoking,

like, the, like, vistas that opened up before me yeah i was like oh everything in the world doesn't stink anymore and when you like crazy freaked out that they were going to get cancer and die like that's what happened to me when i went to school they were they they were actually freaked out about that i think they i think uh both of my parents did it as a kind of like i got got to do this for my kids slash kids. You know, when my dad quit, my brother was like a toddler. But I remember it was pretty brutal. I mean, especially for my dad.

I don't remember it as well for my mom, but especially for my dad, the combination of quitting a long-time smoking habit and post-traumatic stress disorder is a very powerful one. It was, it was not a fun house to be in for about two months, but it was totally worth it. It was a thousand percent. John's giving me a,

huh? Like, yeah, it was, there was a lot of downsides to the house just overall, but okay, let's go to the house just overall. Okay, let's go to the next call.

Hey, Jordan, this is Bass calling from Missouri, and I just had a momentous occasion. I was driving home from my parents' house, and I happened to glance to my left on my drive and saw a live camel walking around a cemetery. So, yeah, that's what happened, and I love your camel walking around a cemetery um so yeah that's what happened and i love your show have a great day oh i love you too that's pretty great you win you win i don't even have a criticism of that it's the perfect uh brief anecdote camels are huge and scary too like when you see a camel they're hella mean and violent potential i don't know if you've ever seen a camel like in real life yeah they're huge and kind of scary yeah and they got those big ass teeth they're like getting up in your face they look like they they're about to they're about to step your face in yeah they could do some serious damage and then she saw one just in the cemetery which is just inherently creepy anything in the cemetery you know when i created

momentous occasions lo those many years ago it was in the hopes that people would have magical things like that happen to maybe this is it maybe maybe after this do you think he was robbing graves do you think he was preparing for a role in hamlet there's no sort of like you know people will grow ostriches you don't do that with no not at all there's no meat there's no meat that you get from yeah i don't think there's no farms there's no they're just they just make cigarettes right yeah they just there's a factory and you go in there's a bunch of camels working three shifts it would have been really intense if it had been joe camel walking around in that cemetery that would have been really intense if it had been Joe Camel walking around in that cemetery. That would have been a powerful piece of contemporary art.

I'm sort of confused. I want to know more. I want to know the backstory. But that's what... We just got to leave it there. It's like a short, short story. It's a fucking cone. It's a little whisk.

It's a cone, my friend. K-O-A-N. It is a little idea that is designed for you to have something for your brain to turn around and turn around until you achieve enlightenment. And it's like an episode of Entourage, kind of. Yeah, exactly. That's how I feel. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Nick Repeat Adams, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Nick, repeat Adams, sitting in for Jordan Morris. Well, that was a fun, that was a great time. I have had a ball. Also, I'm a little bummed. Thank God Jordan wasn't here, huh? Yeah, that guy.

Get out of here. Fuck that guy. Show biz. Have fun doing your show business stuff. Success, making money. We'll be here talking about a lady catalog. I swear to the world. Having a good old time. You, making money. We'll be here talking about a lady catalog. That's where the real winners are. Having a good old time.

You and your movies. Nick, you're on people, you can be found on tweeters at twitter.com slash Nick Adams. Nick Adams Web. Nick Adams Web, is that your Twitter? Yes, my Twitter. Okay, Nick Adams Web. That's also your website.

It is. If you go looking for Nick Adams, you'll generally find a gay theater actor in New York or a photographer. Nick, I have to tell you this. Before we go, we did this series of benefit stand-up shows for a downtown children's art center that my wife was on the board of. And we wanted it to be this. We wanted to book amazing stand-up comics, have them put on an amazing show, and have this center have a way to have a regular show that they could bring their people to,

charge money for tickets. They'd bring in a great warm house and make a bunch of money for the kids' art programs, and we would have a nice warm house for us to record our show in, and we don't have to rent it or sell the tickets ourselves or anything like that. It's just a nice charitable engagement. It was a nice thing. And we're booking great comics.

We're basically bringing in three headliners at least on each one of these shows, like, I don't know, Greg Proops and Dana Gould, like all these great people, Maria bamford and hitters number one not only had they not heard of any comic that we ever booked and thus never made any effort to promote our shows not only that but the one time they got really really excited about one of our bookings was when they looked at our lineup, saw Nick Adams on it, and thought that it was hunky Broadway actor Nick Adams. Maybe make a call. Get that guy out here. Write him some bits.

He's got a few too many. I Googled him. He's got a few too many muscles to be a stand-up comedian. A lot of shirtless photos of that dude yeah that guy is a that guy is a gay sexual icon well wait so why were they excited about that guy i mean because they were gay and they wanted to they didn't know they don't care about comedy they don't want to see laughter but there's hot gay guys all over this this town's lousy with hot gay guys but he's this guy is lousy this guy is a hot gay guy in the arts.

In the arts. Well, um... This guy is all singing, all dancing. Right, because there's no gay men in the arts in Los Angeles. I kind of hate this place now. We were bringing this guy in from show business. We have to recruit gay showbiz type from New York and Los Angeles. We don't have enough of them. Anyway, I felt bad.

I never told you about that because I didn't want you to feel like you were the second best Nick Adams. No, look, you go to register your domain name, you find out very quickly that you're not the top of the line. The sexy Broadway hunk. Hey, he is a sexy dude. I got to hand it to him. He's a good looking man.

He's a very fit guy. I don't know the photographer who has NickAdams.com. I don't know what his app situation is. Right. But it's probably not nearly as much as this guy. Anyway, Nick, I sure appreciate you filling in for our friend Jordan Morris this week. Always a guest. You can, of course, discuss this show on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org.

You can hashtag it up on Twitter, hashtag JJGO. So hip. Does it matter if it's caps or... Throw up the pound sign, then type in JJGO. Because I did it, and I was like, should it be... Well, the thing is is we the important part is that you get that hashtag in there because if you don't put in that pound sign you just put an ampersand and then you type in somebody searches for jj go you're going to get

the uh the german language tweets of a short-haired middle-aged woman who registered twitter.com slash jj go all right what about an ampersand if i do ampersand jj go does anything happen i say i say give it a shot i'm gonna start a new thing throw in an intero bang you got an intero bang button on your keyboard throw it in there see what the fuck happens ampersand tag jj go that's the new hashtag jj go on there thank you to everyone who has reviewed the show on itunes lately We've gotten hundreds upon hundreds. And it is so great for you to do that. Any Maximum Fun show that you listen to and no other shows, do go into iTunes and take a second to review the shows because it makes a big difference in our page ranking. And we really appreciate it.

And it shows the show well to people. Tell people about the fucking show because how else are we going to grow? Spread the word, folks. Thank you so much to everyone who's already done that. If you want to get on the Jumbotron, it's maximum fund.org slash Jumbotron. Or if you want to advertise on the show, uh, email Teresa at Teresa at maximum fund.org.

We'll be back next week, right here. Oh, our theme music. Love you by the free design from kites are fun. The best of the free design on light in the attic records, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records Records, courtesy of the free design and Light in the Attic Records. We'll talk to you next time, right here on Jordan Jesse Go.

So long, gang.