Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 101: Jiu Jitsu and Tae Kwon Do

Episode Date: June 7, 2009

Chris Fairbanks joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about ex-boyfriends, things falling apart around us, martial arts and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maggoty, twiddle, Jesse, go.

A shady dude who knows jujitsu somehow gets into our house and reams us out about stealing his 20-year-old girlfriend. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan morris boy detective oh man jordan you know we have had some special guests in the history of this program i mean i'm talking about uh major celebrities rap stars um television actors yeah but not everybody you know if you're famous and you want to come on the show great so i mean look costner give me a call we'll try you

out but that doesn't mean you're gonna get the return invite it i look one time you know you invite costner on all he wants to talk about is humans with gills and it's fine once and pitching a no-hitter yeah it's fine once you know it's's handsome. Sure, we got a boner out of it. Absolutely. We got to hear some great genie triple horn stories. She's always fun. You have to be something special to get invited back. The first time's a gimme. Sure.

But you have to have something special to be invited back. Now, Jordan, we've established how special you have to be to get invited back. Yeah. How special do you have to be to get invited back multiple times? In fact, let me ask it, let me put it a different way. How special do you have to be to be fast becoming

a regular? In something we like to call the hat trick club. That's for three timers only. Mr. Chris Fairbanks. Yay! Or maybe you just have my phone number. It's true.

You are one of the few successful stand-up comedians who I do have in my phone address book. I have one via my MADSE in the alphabet. I'm way up there. I recently traded my phone address book. I have one via my MADSE in the alphabet. I'm way up there. I recently traded in my phone, but it had broken, so I couldn't get the numbers off of it.

And so now I really only have the total people that I have on my address book is my wife, Jordan, and Todd Glass. Comedian Todd Glass. Oh, nice. Because it got lost immediately before I had to call him for something when we were at a comedy festival in Portland.

I've met Todd Glass once in my life. I like Todd Glass a lot. He's a hilarious comedian. You should have him on the show. Yeah, he'll be on the show eventually. But yeah, that's it. That's all I've got. So if Teresa or Jordan are you know i just want to talk

i guess i just have to call todd glass yeah chris you're lucky your name is so early in the alphabet if you wouldn't have picked up uh our guest would have been dom de luiz oh man he's been doing great he says he's got new recipes to talk about yeah if dom had picked up it would have been edgar winters sure i was just gonna say things and he wouldn't have picked up, it would have been Edgar Winters. Sure. Aren't we just going to say things for you? And he wouldn't have picked up a fish. I feel like that's kind of cut out this alphabet thing while we're ahead. I was trying to think of a double A. Oh, yeah.

You just have Alcoholics Anonymous people on. We can't talk about who we are. Right. What about baseball's greatest slugger, Hank Aaron? Anonymous people. We can't talk about who we are. Right. And then they just... What about baseball's greatest slugger, Hank Aaron? He's like in the middle. What about Aaron Neville? I was under the...

With Jordan's phone, I created a new phone where it was my first name. I don't know why I did that. We all know it's your last name and then a comma. No, no. I think with my phone, it is first name. Oh. And with that joke premise I was going with. i see i know a little bit about his friend hank aaron would be down towards after play down like three fours after gordy howe yeah i was gonna say g gordon liddy litty uh anyway this is the stupidest joke we've ever done we this is our 101st episode this is a new low we're just shuffling through consonants this is this is a joke that is for a

three-year-old uh hey chris you're on the 101st episode. Does that feel like a distinction? Yeah. Things are different around here. The place is clean. It's my fourth time, right? I think third time. Third. I think one time I had a vivid... No, four, because I think he's been on twice. With the two times that you did the show solo, he was on both of those, right?

I'm confusing it for the time we came in and did voices for that cartoon with those racist ex-daters who were super fond of the N-word. The creepy punk rock guys. Yeah, yeah. That was maybe... I'm confusing that for a podcast. Maybe we can briefly catch the audience up. That was terrifying.

Totally terrifying. We did this... It was this kind of project that never got off the ground for Fuel TV, which employs... Wait, that's not happening? I, I...

Yeah, sorry. It's amazing when news gets, when news breaks. Sometimes you're... It has been over a year, I think. I still had my fingers crossed. No, yeah. On one hand.

They still keep dangling the... Yeah. Dangling the... It might happen. It might happen. It might happen. This was a project for Fuel TV, which employs me and also Chris from time to time. Has nothing to do with my multiple appearances on the show. No, absolutely not.

That we work together. I... Anyways, it was this kind of idea for a cartoon show, the premise being kind of crusty old skateboarders from the 70s, you know, yelling about kids today. And Chris did one of the voices, and also one of the voices was actual one of those guys, Dwayne Peters. Dwayne Peters and Steve Olsen. Which guy was the terrifying guy? Was that Dwayne Peters? Yes.

And we should say. He's more frightening of the two scary men. Is that Dwayne Peters? Yes. And we should say... He's more frightening of the two scary men. When we say that they were going to do it, so Jordan emailed me and said, hey, you know, we were going to record some tracks

as we're trying out this animated series. Maybe we could just do it in your studio. And I'm happy to do that. It sounds like fun to me, you know. Sounds like a neat thing. And, of course, I love Chris Fairbanks. I love Jordan Morris. And you're a fan of colorful language. As turns out not as much of a fan as i thought i was before this experience

and uh jordan comes by you know we're we're getting ready to do this thing chris fairbanks comes over and there's these two men coming with chrisbanks. And the best analog I could have is maybe like an Iggy Pop. Like that kind of like a little bit too old to be so wiry strong and a little bit... They're fat and buff at the same time. Yeah. At once, giant beer bellies, but like giant biceps for some reason. Like I don't know how, in what way you have to work out to do that.

Vein location? Yeah. Just for locating veins. That's why I occasionally curl. So I don't have to do that deal where I go into my fingernails. I'm talking about heroin, everyone. I'm not putting it past those two thugs. And they had the fire in their eyes.

Yeah. And I don't know, were they, do you think, Chris, this is just a guesstimate on your part, but would you guesstimate that they were in an altered state or that they were just in a permanent altered state because their brains had been scrambled? Yeah, because I think they were both in recovery and drinking lots of coffee. I think they were both in recovery and drinking lots of coffee.

I think they were hyped up on caffeine. Wow. I have not, like, their level of coherency I would put at a 3 out of 10. That's from past interactions with chemicals. Yeah. And just scary men with scary skull faces. Scary skull. Saying scary, terrifying things and then laughing death rattles.

Yeah. You know, it's weird because you don't want to tell the jittery pacing junkie. Who's doing you a favor. Right. Who also is doing this gratis and lending his credibility to the project, which is priceless. Yeah. But also you don't want Jesse's neighbors to hear the N-word being screamed from your apartment. Weren't they

moving and so they were in the hallway already they were like moving like slowly moving a couch so they could pick up three or four sentences yeah boy howdy and just and it was one of those things where you can't i even i like i'm i'm a host you know and i'm doing this as a favor for my pals and and i understand i understand from seeing their reactions that this isn't what they was head signed up to bring into my home but at the same time it really like there's no like one of the things that i i had this conversation with theresa my wife the other day about like me growing up in kind of a tough urban neighborhood and her growing up in sort of a suburban-y, fancy neighborhood,

even though I think our families were pretty similar in terms of their economic states, was that a big memory in my mind was scary junkies and scary winos and like not scary junkies and not scary winos. Well, most junkies are scary, but there's not scary winos. There's like, ha-ha, look at that wino kind of winos the playful ones that right burp bubbles yeah but like and wear clown makeup yeah but like there were there's certain there's certain ones and

they're they have a hat and like uh you know the top is kind of cut out it's kind of springing up like the top of a tin can and how is there a flower in there yeah there's a flower growing out because they've never cleaned their head sometimes a kitten yeah um so but there's this kind of person that you see just walking down the street who just looks like looks like they're really hungry and is ready to knife right knife someone. And these guys had that quality. And it doesn't matter, like in some cases, this person may seem also like their life has fallen apart and they're like a total disaster,

but they may also have that quality but seem relatively together otherwise. And that's why they can still keep an apartment because they have some skill or whatever, but they're ready to knife nonetheless like i think both of those guys have raised kids that are or one the other guy had yeah yeah no they're both uh dwayne peters kind of keeps on his feet by being in a kind of a credible punk rock band yeah and and um it reminded me a lot of like the, uh, when my dad, I've talked about my dad taking me to AA, but my dad went to this AA for your

benefit, Chris, in the mission in San Francisco. Um, and my, my dad is a, uh, my dad's a Vietnam vet and, um, he, he feels most comfortable around other vets, like many vets. And, um, my, my dad, I mean, there, there were points in his life when he was homeless, but by the time I was born, he was, you know, he was capable of feeding me. Sure. And, but the AA that he went to was full of homeless, crazy vets. I mean, to various levels. I mean, a scale, you know, there's 30 people in the room. Maybe only five are sincerely crazy. Oh, wow.

But, you know, I went to that a lot as a little kid. That was the situation that it sort of reminded me of. So you were an Alateen member? Yeah, I was Alateen. I was Alateen, yeah. No, I wasn't Alateen. I was just along for the ride. Were there mixers?

Alateen mixers? Yeah, there was multiple. There was all-school dances. No, I don't't know i don't remember anything with other kids i always remember being the only kid oh wow watching people smoke and drink a lot of coffee yeah they do things i'm addicted to coffee i'm addicted to caffeine so you blame ality coffee and having diarrhea huh for the audience's benefit at home, Chris just did a high gymnastics kick. I did a high gymnastics kick.

The kind where you tap the end of your toe to punctuate something. Yeah, in lieu of the words punctuating it, I added a visual kick, but I guess that was lost. No, no, I feel like now that we've described it, the audience can go back and listen to it as if they were seeing the gymnastics kick.

Keep in mind, my toes hit the tips of my fingers it's very flexible me very yeah yeah so you chris you knew these guys at least a little bit so you maybe had a better uh a better judgment of the situation than i did but did you feel like at any moment shit might pop off uh yeah especially i'm i'm uh i judge people by questionable tattoos and there was some uh there were some designs on there that were maybe uh influenced by ways of thinking that i do not agree with for instance uh donkey hitler yes there was a donkey Hitler scene. Elaborate and full bicep. When you say donkey Hitler, you mean like you're talking about like a personification of a donkey as Hitler?

Yeah, just a little mustache on the donkey. As Der Fuhrer, just a mustache. Weird tattoo. What's weird about it is the donkey with the haircut and the mustache, then they also drew the throngs of Germans listening to the speech. So that's why it was full arm. I feel like it was anti-Hitler. Hard to say.

He's like, I'm not taking one position one way or the other. I'm just saying, if Hitler existed, this is what he would look like as a donkey. I'm not saying what he did was good or bad. He's saying, look, this is art. Tattoos are art. And my... What I'm suggesting here is let's think about what if Hitler

was a donkey? What would it look like on my arm? And on my back, what would it look like if Elvis was a centaur? I don't know. Elvis wasn't a centaur? No, no, but what if?

It's funny, because you can get the impression from contemporary depictions that he was a centaur, but that's actually just a really popular way to depict him. You don't see Elvis a lot from the waist down. No, no, they never photographed him that way i mean they cut you know you you you think you watch all those old you know kind of top of the pops tv shows they're cutting they're trying to cut above his hips because they don't want to see him do any sexy

yeah and then someone yeah someone yeah blamed it on a lot of what they really didn't want they just didn't want to see his giant horse dick yeah his giant erect horse that's what they really didn't want, they just didn't want to see his giant horse dick. His giant erect horse. That's what they were really afraid of. Because he totally got a boner whenever he was on TV. You guys were nice enough to open up, Chris. You talked about Alateen and your problem with cigarettes. And Jesse, you talked about your dad. Would you guys mind if I maybe opened up about a little bit of an addiction-type problem

that I've been having? Yeah, sure. You need to talk? Is this a safe space? Yeah, you need to talk something at home? I do, I do. I'm here to listen. No, here's kind of a new development in my life, which is... And occasionally interrupts.

Jordan, this is the perfect place to talk it out or walk it out, the teen dance craze. Oh, okay. I hear you. They mention that at the end of a Mr. T video. I know what you're talking about. Be somebody or be somebody's fool. Yes. Recently in my life, I'm talking about the last year, I've been sleepier than I would like to be.

I've been like a sleepier person than I usually am. Would you say groggier? Yeah, yeah. No, I definitely... Drowsier? Yeah, I definitely maybe fall asleep as soon as I get indoors. General malaise? It's not a malaise.

It's more of a stupor. I was going to suggest you had mono. You haven't lost your passion. No, I still have a joie de vivre. Because I can see the fire burning in your eyes. Sure, but I can't stay up long enough to really suck the juices from life. You look like you could stab somebody if you needed to. If that would...

Yeah, you look like you have a violent... The situation demands it. Do you know about that loosey-goosey gait? You know the loosey-goosey walk of a wino? The difference between just somebody who's a drunk and somebody who's a wino is that kind of upsetting loosey-goosey walk where they're walking, sort of popping their arms during the middle of the day, and it's like you're babysitter's mom and you're scared of her. Right. Okay. Okay.

Anyway, Jordan, go ahead. Your point was that exists. I'm still upset. Okay. I'm still upset. Okay. I'm still recovering. No, no, fair enough. Do you ever have that loosey-goosey energy? No.

Is what he was asking. No. So you're lethargic. So yeah, but I've been wanting to stay out more and be a little more social or maybe even just get some work done when I get home from work. I mean, get some extracurricular work done, some writing or something like that. when I get home from work. You can get some extracurricular work done,

some writing or something like that. Anyway, so I'm like, well, I should not give in to these first impulses to fall asleep. I'm thinking of ways to do it. Coffee's good, but something that I found was more convenient was the office I work in. I mentioned earlier Fuel TV.

It deals a lot in the action sports, so there are energy drinks everywhere. Action drinks. Yeah, yeah. They're big sponsors of the programming. So every kind of energy drink you would want. You got your Red Bulls, your Monsters, your Rockstars, but then some crazy obscure ones. Go-Girl.

Yeah. I've had a Go-Girl. Yeah? Yeah, it was great. A little more pep, I'm going to say. Nice boobs, by the way. Yeah, thanks. Have you always had those?

I've really been drinking a lot of Go-Girl, you guys. You have giant breasts now. Go-Girl and Go-Gurt. Oh, I did. I remembered to buy you that Yoplait you asked for. Oh, yeah. My Act remembered to buy you that Yoplait you asked for. Oh, yeah. My Activa.

Oh, what must be going on in your intestines right now? Only me and Jamie Lee Curtis. Thank you. Punch to the kick. Anyways, and I've always had a bad... I've always had a bad... I've never liked energy drinks, and there was even one time that kind of, I feel like, cemented how I felt about them.

This is something for Fuel, where I had to have energy drinks dumped on me, like three or four of them, and it stained my skin yellow. And it's kind of like, well, if my skin is stained, what is this doing to my delicate body oh wow uh anyway so i've never liked him but i'm like well this is you know these are free and it was appealing to my kind of cheap side and i'm like well i can you know i can have a little sip and

you know i can stay up and and sure enough i i did i would have a little sip and uh and and feel great and power through and i felt like i was staying out and being more social and getting extracurricular work done. And now it's to the point where I was taking them home in my jacket, like I was wrapping up energy drinks. I didn't want people to see me just walking out with eight energy drinks, so I would wrap them up in a jacket. You didn't want to buy them, despite having a successful professional career. No, sure, absolutely. So you're stealing them. I mean, they're free.

They're delivered gratis by the company. If you're wrapping anything in your jacket and going out the door hoping no one sees you, you're stealing. And I bet you went home and drank them alone. Yeah, and I would drink them over ice. I would make a little cocktail sometimes. I got to the point where I had brands that I preferred over other ones. What was your top brand?

I love the Monster products. All the Monster products are great. I love a Monster Chaos, especially. That's Chaos with a K. Sure. And the Rockstar Juiced I'll have in a pinch. Let me ask you this question, Jordan. Have you ever gotten to the point

where you use too much, you're getting edgy, and you have to drink reverse energy drink drank? No. You're familiar with drank? I'm not familiar with drank. No. It's a cool-out drink. Wow.

No way. Yes way. It's a downer beverage? It's a downer beverage. It's modeled after drinkingout drink. Wow. No way. Yes way. It's a downer beverage? It's a downer beverage. It's modeled after drinking codeine cough syrup. Wow. Are you serious? Yeah.

Drink. It's purple. Drink. Past tense. No. Drink. Because that's what you call, if you're a rapper from Houston or whatever, you call a codeine promethazine cough syrup drink.

Or Sizzurup. Sizzurup. Oh, I gotcha, Lil Wayne. Yeah. I gotcha. I'm actually Slim Thug, but yes. Yeah, sure. Right. I knew you were inspired by L-Dub.

At this point... Lil Flipper. At this point, thinking about drinking an energy drink makes – like, I get a Pavlovian mouth water when I think about it. Like, honestly, at this point, nothing sounds more delicious than me. Just getting a big bag of crushed ice, filling just a frosty glass, and then pouring a monster over there. And I really start to feel shitty. When you say nothing sounds better,

are you including Bugles? Yeah, those are a delicious, crispy snack. I would go as far as to say better than Fiddle Faddle. Oh, fuck. Oh, come on. This is fucked up. I am not. You have a problem.

And I was listening to the Adam Carolla podcast recently, which I like a lot. I'm glad he's doing that. So am I. I've been listening to it, too. I enjoy it a lot. And he was making this point. I don't like it. Well, we'll just agree to disagree.

Is it just because he's a little bit racist? It's because I haven't listened. Okay, fair enough. I take it. And he made the point, he says, think of the coolest guy you know. What is that guy drinking? He drinks water and coffee, water and beer and sometimes coffee. Now think of the world's biggest dick.

What does that guy have in his hand? Giant 24-ounce can of energy drink. And it was so true. And everywhere I've been going, I've been noticing total dickheads just sauntering around with a giant can of energy drink. And, yeah, I've been clean for a couple of days, but it's tough. Did you get a headache when you stopped drinking it? Yeah, totally. I absolutely, like, felt, you know, edgy and upset, and I've been more tired.

I noticed how petulant you were. Sure, very petulant. You've been petulant already on this show. Yeah, this is definitely an ongoing fight for me, and it happened so quick. All this happened over the course of four weeks. Have you done or said anything racist, or have you gotten any questionable tattoos yeah um i do have a tattoo of an eskimo harpy but that's not a commentary on what eskimos are like i just wanted to know what if like an eskimo woman had bird wings do you think we're at the point

where we say inuit oh sorry it's okay a first nations Nations person. That's good. Yeah, First Nations is correct. Up there. Anyway, so if anybody has any tips on kicking the energy drink habit or a substitute or a good stay-up substitute, I would love to hear it. So would I, actually. I'm going to admit now that I have a bit of an energy drink problem. The first problem being it's hard for me to say it

yeah i've how did you like how did you how did you start like what was the impetus for starting to drink them or are you just i got tired of coffee and i started to think coffee was making me tired yeah it's like maybe it's because it's hot so then i was drinking a lot of iced coffee i'm like well it's it's doing the same thing you just need to kick it up and not, and add some sugar, because I drink straight coffee. Need some taurine. Yeah. I need me some bowl product.

Isn't taurine? It's of the bowl. Closely translated to of the bowl. I feel like any one of those... I think that's two guests in a row we've had who have had a strong Latin background. Yeah, well well good work you like the like the romance languages um i love romance and language well i'm i'm interested to

hear uh i'm interested to hear people's uh people's addiction to energy drink and how they kicked it um and any advice for jordan on what he can do i feel like people are just going to tell you to take ginkgo biloba yeah don't you think somebody is just going to call in and say take ginkgo biloba another shot though saint john's wart yeah i no catholics sorry or fat chicks yeah no catholic fat chicks no Yeah, no Catholic fat chicks. You can be kind of fat. Okay, well, the phone number is 206-984-4FUN. If you can help Jordan change his damaging lifestyle as he transforms into the world's biggest dick.

We'll be back in just a second. Oh, if you have any tips for frosting my tips, I'll hear those too. As you hold an energy drink. Yeah, exactly. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Love you, love you, love you Tell us. Yeah. Right? JJgo.org? Yeah. There's listings of that kind of stuff on JJgo.org.

Sure. We haven't talked about that in a while. People should go there and add to the listings. Absolutely. You guys, I have a concern. Yeah. Yes. I live here in Koreatown.

And I'm happy with the neighborhood. I'm happy with my building, generally speaking. Happy with my block. I like the fact that there's a lot of Mexican babies, a lot of fashion students, a lot of people studying to be a dental hygienist. There's a lot of dental hygienic schools down in the corner. A couple of things have occurred lately that have given me pause

and led me to be concerned. Okay? Number one. It'd be funny if you said giving me pause and then you held up your hands and you had dog paws like what have you been seeing that gave you those um uh so number one uh there was a shooting on our block okay okay and it was we were out of town. I get an email from a comedian, Danforth France, who lived on my block. And he says there's been a shooting across the street. I was up at 2 o'clock in the morning. I heard it.

And I went outside and I talked to the cops and they took a statement and somebody got shot to death. So that's number one. Number two, I went out and, you know, when somebody gets shot in a – I don't know if people get shot in the neighborhoods where you live in. I don't know where you live. I had one in my neighborhood once, and my neighborhood is fairly the opposite of this. There's a lot of – I live in an area with a lot of middle-aged gay men and some kind of older Russian women and, you know, then just some kind of blondie L.A. types.

Anyways, we had a... West Hollywood. Yeah. So I don't know if this was the case for you, but there was a memorial, like an impromptu memorial at the place where the guy got shot. The guy's name was Chino, apparently.

And Chino... Because of the type of pants he liked yes exactly named after the pants and uh chino an heir to a great pants fortune the thing the thing about these memorials and you know this is something you know people used to get shot in the neighborhood where i grew up and somebody got shot across the street from my apartment in san francisco and the thing about these memorials is you go check them out and you're of two minds, okay? Because there's two kinds of shootings, right? There's set-tripping gangbanger shooting,

and then there's caught in the crossfire or like, you know, lover's quarrel type shooting, right? Or confused hunter. That's what I grew up with. In Missoula. In Missoula, Montana, confused hunter. And that's because people weren't displaying the proper colors. And by proper colors, I mean that fluorescent orange. Orange, yeah.

Gotta wear orange. You guys even know that. Yes. So you go to see this, and you're of two minds, right? One mind is, I sure hope it's not like gang activity and there's gang shootings going down on my block right now. I hope it was just somebody just got hit by somebody's gun or whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then there's this other part of you that thinks, and this is just, maybe this is just me, but you think, well, I'm not in a gang. So if there's a gang war outside of the crossfire possibility, these things are usually going on at three o'clock in the morning anyway.

You know, if it's a gang war, then at least nobody's going to shoot me because I'm definitely not, you know, I'm not showing colors. You know what I mean? Like, granted, I wear this blue bandana, but I think, you know, the fact that it's sort of a teal blue. And the Superman logo. Yeah. granted i wear this blue bandana but i think you know the fact that it's sort of a teal blue and the superman logo yeah um no one's gonna shoot karate superman right so it was it was uh and and so you go to the memorial to check out what kind it was if there's a lot of pictures of like uh like a 13 year old in uh you know a mortar board holding her eighth grade diploma then you know it wasn't somebody that was set tripping right and i went over there and uh every picture of chino

uh features him throwing up uh gang signs every single one there's like six huge pictures of him he's throwing up signs in every single one of them um Even when his grandmother took him. Exactly. Here he is at Thanksgiving, and he's just throwing a turkey leg down to toss up a W. Exactly. And they weren't the cute kind. They weren't like a W.

It wasn't like the friendly. Right, that's what I was thinking. It could also be something that an Asian teenager does. They're complicated. It looks like you're talking on the telephone, but there's a couple of bumps in the middle. You know what I like? Talking on a telephone in an elementary school play. Maybe he just... And then there's a word bubble coming out of the picture that says, I'm in a gang.

Yeah. So I wasn't sure about that, right? So things are going downhill because there is a gang slaying across the street from my house. Danforth, France, my neighbor, the comedian Danforth France, who I run into sometimes, and we're not good friends, but I like to run into him because it's neat to run into somebody you know, right? I've run into Danforth France right before the podcast. Isn't it nice?

Yeah. It's really nice. He's a breath. He moved out. Moved out. Because? Hard to tell. Hard to know.

Exactly. Hard to know. So he moved out. So I'm tell hard to know exactly hard to know so he moved out so i'm thinking shit something's going wrong here yeah now there's two things going on in my building now that i have concerns about and i need some help addressing these i'm going to start with number one on my floor i started noticing that my hallway smelled like pee now i live in a clean building i this is a this is a not a clean building. This is not a fancy, I wouldn't call it a fancy building, but they keep it up.

It's nice. It's vaguely Holiday Inn-ish, but it's not like run down or a disaster. Run by a slumlord. No, it's not a slumlord situation at all. So it was weird that my hallway smelled like pee. I mentioned it to my building manager. He says, yeah, I noticed that too. We like pee. I mentioned it to my building manager.

He says, yeah, you know, I noticed that too. Like we're going to try and get the carpets clean. I'm not really sure what's going on. One of my neighbors tells me, oh, that's because our neighbor, someone who lives on my floor, just lets their dog out to pee on the carpet. Wow. Doesn't want to go down the flights of stairs. My building has a dog peeing and pooping area. Doesn't want to go down there to let the dog pee and poop so it's just opening the door letting the dog go out into the hallway and pee and then come back in oh this is like a disgusting person this is unbelievable right this is this is and these are not what's crazy about it is the people that own this dog

there's three dogs on my floor um and one of them's my dog who doesn't pee on the floor. One of them's my neighbor's dog that I know very well and doesn't pee on the floor. And one of them is one that you never see down in the dog pee area. And I can only presume is the one that's peeing on the floor. Now this one, its owners are a couple of, you know, like maybe late 20s, professional looking Korean American folks. These are not the people whose apartment smells like spilt bong water, which is who you would presume would let their dog out to pee on the rug. Now, the other day, I'm walking down the hallway, and their dog pooped on the rug. Who lets their dog poop on a rug indoors and then just walk away? You saw the dog poop. Wait, did they pick it up? I saw the dog wait did they pick it up the poop

and you okay the poop was there i did not see the dog pooping you didn't see them looking over it like good dog no i didn't see that that's how it is in korea i don't know if you've been to korea i haven't been to korea they have little flags with the korean symbol for poop and they wave it in the dog's face till it poops there's a lot you don't know about korea look i had completely i had completely made my peace with other aspects of uh korean culture i am comfortable with my hallway smelling like kimchi and fish um you know that's fine it doesn't you know it's not my favorite smell but it's like people got to eat and they want to eat the kind of food they like so you, that's totally reasonable.

You're not complaining about Taekwondo. No. No. So, but the dog, what person, what kind of sick person has, lets their dog poop indoors where they live and then just leaves it there? Like it's one thing if they let the dog poop indoors and then they pick it up and throw it down the trash chute. Right. That's pretty gross. Yeah, that's gross. They just let the dog poop indoors and then they pick it up and throw it down the trash chute. Right.

That's pretty gross. Yeah, that's gross. Just leave the dog shit in the hall? Yeah, just dog shit in my hallway. And this is not... This is evictable to me. You know, I live in the top floor of this apartment building. So there's no way that it's someone just passing through with their dog that just let it do that.

Right. There's no way that someone came up the stairs to let their dog poop on someone else's hallway. This is definitely an inside job. Exactly. This is undoubtedly an inside job. So that's thing number one that I don't know how to address. Right.

Okay, here's thing number two. I think I talked about it on the show, but a couple of months ago, this con man tried to run a short con on me and Teresa in the space of maybe two weeks. It was him with a prescription script saying that he needed to pick up his HIV medication, but he needed $20 cash and he wasn't near his bank. And could he take my name and address and I give him $20 and blah, blah.

You know what I'm saying. And it was particularly notable because he said he was a gay gentleman like myself. I don't think you've talked about this on the show. So this guy said, I'm a gay gentleman like yourself. And granted, I was wearing a bow tie at the time. But it seems like a big presumption to make about somebody, right? Even if someone's trying to get money out of him.

Got a cape made of men flapping there's no way you can just go and say that and so i know like i know about this kind of shit you know like i grew up in the city many people have run variations of this on me and then they've never gotten any money out of me you know like i know what it is and i just say no and i didn't feel threatened by it or anything. You'll occasionally get a handjob out of you. Exactly. I'll give them a quick – like if I've got the lube on me or whatever. Or if your hands have too much lube on them from whatever you were doing earlier.

Before they became paws. Right. That's a pretty pause. That was a brief moment. Another good callback. That was a time because you don't want to you don't want an oily fuzzy hand job that maybe hasn't been clipped i mean i do i do but that's my own thing that's like my own whole generally some i'm saying generally one

does not dog pause and this guy like when there's dog hair you know people you can tell who has a dog because their clothes always have a little bit of dog hair on it know, people, you can tell who has a dog because their clothes always have a little bit of dog hair on them. It's sort of like you can tell how somebody has a dog because their dick has a little bit of hair on them. Anyway. My dick's covered with chicken feathers

right now. That's just because you have a medieval torture fetish. No, no, no. I just have a down comforter. So this con man sort of cuts a distinctive figure.

He's sort of a short black guy. There's not that many black folks in my neighborhood, mostly Latino, Korean, and white folks. And certainly most of the black folks that there are are kind of younger student-y types and not kind of older, middle-aged types. So to see sort of this short, middle-aged guy, and he was missing a couple teeth,

it was a really cut a distinctive figure. And so I told Teresa about this, and I described him to her. And a couple weeks later, she said, you know, that guy who did that, he tried to do the same thing to me with the prescription script and saying you need AIDS. I'm a gay gentleman like yourself exactly yeah and um same script and so like i said i'm you know i'm an inner city youth like it's no big it's not the end of the world to have a griff a neighborhood grifter you know there used to be this couple who would go door to door in my neighborhood

telling people they needed 20 for a train ticket and blah, blah, blah, same sort of thing. And they did this for, I think, 10 years straight, you know, to the point where they'd been to your door. This is like the sixth time that they were asking for $20 for a train ticket. And so, like, I'm thinking, like, this is a weird thing to be happening in my neighborhood, but it doesn't stack up against the gang killings in the MS--13 the world's most dangerous gang gang graffiti all over everywhere which god damn fourth france running away with his tail exactly so it's no big deal he's great one day teresa i

say that one day teresa walks up from walks up from school like walks up from the lobby of our building and says jesse that guy is in the lobby of our building and says, Jesse, that guy is in the lobby of our building, like wandering around. And so we're like, God damn it. Because people always leave the gate open or whatever. We're like this fucking drifter grifter is in our building. So we call the landlord. He says,

I'll go, I'll go deal with it. And you know, so on and so forth. And then a couple of weeks later, this happens again. Come to find out this guy is living in my building. Wow.

He lives in my building. He's using his scam money. Yeah, he's paying his rent. And has been approaching you in front of said building? Well, I don't think he lived in my building. Here's what's going on, right? He moved in. As I understand it right now.

When he was in there scamming you, he's like, this is nice. I'm moving in. When he was in there scamming you, he's like, this is nice. I'm moving in. This guy is sort of little, and he looks like a little Ben Vereen-ish, kind of like a middle-aged, round-headed man, kind of slight and short. You know what I mean? Maybe it's a situation where he has another job. He's whatever he is.

But he did some grifting at some point you know for vegas money or yeah right he gets the money for the thrill sure i think that might so as i understand it right now there are these two younger guys gay gentlemen like myself uh i can i i can only presume i don't know who live in an apartment on the first building of my on the first floor of my building and these two guys appear to be harboring this man really these guys are like i would guesstimate their age at 23 i would say they're there they could be gay um if they were gay they would be of the sort of homo thug variety um you know they're kind of you know they're kind of kind of hip-hop baggy jeans types oh sure um and and this guy is when i've seen this guy i've since seen him in the lobby of my

building and he's he's sort of wearing casual clothing of the kind that like a 45 year old black guy who used to be like a that kind of like carl connie jeans you know like something that was sort of like a like steve like you feel like steve harvey would wear to a really casual occasion like a super casual occasion like maybe what he wears when he's when he visits the old neighborhood there's a little hip-hop too a little bit yeah but in that sort of 1991 marshall's way sure um and i got a sim bad ass yeah exactly exactly so he owns a purple blazer without sleeves like a like a rundown but that's what he wears that for for when he goes out on saturday night that's not what he's wearing around the building. It's more,

yeah, it's more of like, it's sort of like he has Sinbad's, like he, he knows Sinbad and like when Sinbad's done with something, he lets him have it. Like it's sort of worn, a little bit worn out.

I hear Sinbad only wears something once. That's what I've heard about Sinbad. Well, I've heard a lot of shit about Sinbad. If you want to talk about shit we've heard about Sinbad, I mean, you know, we can start, we can start with uh animal fur that's on his dick

it's an unusual animal fur i couldn't tell you which one um so i don't know what to do about this situation it seems like my whole life is falling apart outside your everything outside my door is going to shit don Don't worry about those hallways. What do I do when I see this guy who tried to grift me in the hallway? Do I say hi? No, just say, I know what you're doing. Do I say that? I feel, what if he shivs me?

What if he's a dangerous sign? You described him as Ben Vereen, who I know to be an actor that played Webster's uncle at one point. He was on National On the West. And I found that guy to be an actor that played Webster's uncle at one point. Yeah, I think that's right. And I found that guy to be delightful. If this guy's anything like Ben Vereen, you can approach him.

You both have a good laugh about it. I know what you've been doing, and that could be anything to him. Do you think I could offer to accompany him in a show tune? Yeah, that'd be... See, you should turn this to your advantage. If this could turn to a duet like hey like hey do you think i should run by him like if i run into him in the hall i'll say hey i bet you know mr cellophane and i just bring out a keyboard and just start plunking away

that would one option you this is the direction i think you need to go then i could transform him from grifter to song and dance man yeah it's an easy transition um uh um i feel like i want to go back to the dog shit thing just i think i feel like you can get the people evicted for that i feel like you can just tell the landlord that that happened i haven't seen them do it i i've only been able to use my inductive logic to figure out that it's them. Like, I mean, they shampooed the carpets and it didn't smell like pee, and then it smelled like pee again. So it has to be something regular. So it just can't be something casual. But theoretically, they could claim that maybe either that I did it, because I have a dog, but I know my dog pees outside. Right.

And I know the owners of the other dog on the floor, and they have trained their dog to do this thing where they put their hand near the ground and pull it backwards, and it does kind of like a commando crawl across the ground, and that is not a dog that pees in a hallway. Right. You know what I mean? So maybe you need to get together with them,

have a conversation with them. Oh, we've had... Right. You know what I mean? they're very nice people but very mildly racist yeah like just like not not not even specifically racist but although you did you did really not understand to point out you did want to teach the african-american grifter to sing and dance like ben vereen and that was your i'm just saying looks like ben vereen i was joking when i brought that up he looks like ben Vereen. I was joking when I brought that up. He looks like Ben Vereen. You flew with it. So they're, granted, I'm more racist than they are, but they clearly fear people from other cultures and it bothers them a little bit that they're different.

You know what I mean? They don't have a very... They're nice people, so they're not doing anything bad towards people. But they definitely like are baffled by the idea that other people from other countries behave differently than they do. Wow. So I feel like I don't – like I like that our dogs are friends and I like that we can talk with them in the hallway because they sincerely are very nice. But I don't want –

You're just worried it will turn into a race war. I don't want to team up and then it becomes a race war yeah the minute you describe them i was like yeah you can't team up with them that'll look bad yeah i feel like it would totally look bad well i don't i mean i think it not only do would it look bad it would be bad like you can maybe invite them onto the team when once you have once you've got some other races in there yeah exactly i i feel like maybe i need the like the uh the filipino college students that moved into my old apartment uh when i moved down the hall uh the ones the ones that uh uh the ones that mark my mail uh that goes to my old address return to sender uh even though i went and knocked on their door and said hey you

know i just moved down the hall so if anything happens to come for me here, yeah. So maybe I could get them on board. I don't know what to do. I feel like my world is falling apart. You need to catch that dog in the act and act right then. Do you think I should set up a blind? You know about hunting. You're from Montana.

Yeah. Should you set up a crow's nest in a nearby telephone pole do you think i could do you think i could set up i mean there's different stuff do you think i should put deer urine on myself i think yeah that's one solution you should cover yourself in urine regardless if you investigate this dog thing right okay you should just a good policy yeah okay so so what we're looking at right now is cover myself in urine, possibly look into building a crow's nest, and then take it from there? Yeah, yeah. Just cover yourself in pee and get a bird's eye view on everyone.

I mean, don't overthink it. Just start there. Yeah, just roll with it. I thought about taking some kind of either active or passive aggressive action against these people with the dog. I'm a little bit scared. Like, I wasn't scared of the grifter in the street because I knew he was, like, small and he wasn't acting aggressively. Right. But I'm worried if I gave him time to plan whether he would do something dangerous to me.

If you maybe talked to him long enough, he would figure out about your glass jaw. Yeah, exactly. He would know that that's the way to take you down. Exactly. So I feel like that I'm definitely leaving to the landlord, that one. You don't want that guy pulling a Chino on your ass. No, not at all.

You don't want him constructing any sort of fake casino. What if this guy's in there what if this guy's from the sting in the what happened in that movie in the middle what if this guy's in the middle-aged african-american wing of ms-13 the world's most dangerous gang oh man that could be really trouble for me any of the 13s what if he makes you watch the most dangerous game yeah i'm gonna spoil it for you it's man um so i thought about like taking like knocking on their door and being like um i their their english isn't that great that's one thing like i've i've talked to them because this dog that i'm presuming is the culprit is a really

cute dog jesse deer urine for god's sakes gr nest. So I just have to put on the deer urine and that'll take care of it? I mean, you'll figure out what to do next. Your instincts will pick up from there. Do you think I should get a blunderbuss? Can I buy a blunderbuss? If that's how you feel after the deer urine, do get

an elephant musket. Okay, great. So it seems like the course of action here is I should get an elephant musket. Okay, great. So it seems like the course of action here is I should get an elephant gun, cover myself in deer urine, build a crow's nest, perhaps by stringing a hammock-like system of ropes

from between the different sprinkler pipes in the ceiling of the hallway. Okay, it'll be indoor. I was thinking outdoor, but yeah, the walls and windows. Yeah, the whole thing's indoor. That's the problem. Should be in the ceiling of the hallway. Okay, it'll be indoor. I was thinking outdoor, but yeah, the walls and windows. Yeah, the whole thing's indoor. That's the problem. That's our concern.

Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. So, yeah, okay, and then I just lie in wait? Mm-hmm. Should I build a pulley system for food? Ah, you're going to need a dumbwaiter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know who I really need to talk to? Julia Butterfly. Who who's that she's the lady who lives in trees oh okay yeah she'll she knows she knows i'll ask her about saving red woods and then she'll tell me the secrets and then i'll let her know that it's because i want to shoot my neighbors with an elephant gun yeah yep oh wait. I wasn't suggesting use the gun on the dog. It's just nice to have that. No, the neighbors. Not the gun.

Not the dog. The dog's adorable. I would adopt the dog and train it to be. You're going to kill the Korean neighbors. Well, not specifically because they're Korean. No, no.

I was describing the people. I don't hate the Koreans. I was separating them. I'm not Japanese. You've talked about several different neighbors today. And I was just trying to separate. I was separating them. I'm not Japanese. You've talked about several different neighbors today, and I was just trying to separate them from the other neighbors you mentioned. A lot of bad blood between the Koreans and the Japanese.

There is. Let's talk about that. Yeah. Listen, I don't fully understand it, but it seems to me that what's to blame is Taekwondo. Okay, well. Albeit grace graceful we'll be back lots of kicks we'll be back in just primarily it's primarily kicking well taekwondo it's an olympic sport you're thinking about jujitsu no that's grappling a guy who knew jujitsu came into my house the other day let's talk about that in just a second when we come back on Jordan,

Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio. Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective,

Chris Fairbanks over there. Oh, sponsored this week, Jordan sponsor all this month. Somebody, uh, somebody sent me a Twitter message asking who is that print shop that sponsored Jordan, Jesse go last week. Well, guess what? We're back this month. Somebody sent me a Twitter message asking, who was that print shop that sponsored Jordan and Jesse Go last week? Well, guess what?

We're back this week with more talk about VGKids.com. T-shirts, buttons, stickers, posters. Fine products, reasonable prices. Stationery, even. Try that on for size. They'll print stationery for you. They'll print stationary for you. They will screen print stationary. Everything is perfectly registered and they

also do color process printing. There you go. That's what Chris Fairbanks knows about this kind of stuff. He's a man who designs a t-shirt from time to time. Here and there I do. I recommend, this week I am recommending that you use your 15% off discount that you get just for mentioning Jordan Jesse Go to purchase some buttons.

Buttons. You can order buttons. They have buttons on silvery stuff, on paper, on sparkly stuff. Whoa. They've got buttons. These guys have made stuff for our pal Jonathan Colton. I was just noticing that they make stuff for mashup superstars, The Hood Internet.

There you go. I don't know if you've ever heard of The Hood Internet. I've heard of their fine t-shirts, buttons, and stickers. Yeah, well. I don't know. I can't say much about their music, but I will say that their merch is second to none. Who hasn't?

They also make special custom media packaging. So if you're in a band, and say you're making a short run of a special CD that you're selling at shows or something like that, and you want the kind of packaging that will be something that makes someone actually want to buy a CD rather than download something from the internet,

the VG Kids folks will make something that is beautiful. And I'm actually looking at what they've got on their website right now. And they're really like, they make special, beautiful things. This is a great print shop for when you want something that is like sincerely handcrafted-y. Oh, that's nice. You know what I mean? Aren't these nice?

We're just scrolling through some of the pics on the website. Look at this. They have, they made a CD by a band called Ad Astra. That's nice. Which you know, Jordan, of course, as the slogan of the Boner Society. Ever skyward.

I mean, this is a beautiful CD, too. So, in other words, we can talk a little bit about the Boner Society later. People have been wondering about the Boner Society. It is still going strong, needless to say. Is this a society you guys are members of? Yeah, would you like to join? Sure.

Do I have to get a boner? It's a metaphorical boner. Okay, good. Good. It just means you always try your best. Oh, well, then I think I'm already a member. So anyway, if you want to order any of these printed items or even just a sample pack of just some of the stuff they can do,

vgkids.com is the internet URL, vgkids.com. You can also give them a call at 800-528-6343. 800-528-6343. And I don't know if I mentioned this, Jordan, but 15% off just for mentioning this. That is because they love Jordan Jesse Goh, Jordan. Yeah, good for them. I got a really nice email.

I talked with James, one of the two owners. I got a really nice email from Ruth, the other owner, James' wife, who was so happy that we talked so nicely about it. It's a family business. I think she forgot that they had given us some money to do it.

They're really happy to have done it. We were talking about whether we could wear our own t-shirts for our own thing and she offered to send me a blank t-shirt that was just like a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt but blank because I was complaining that I thought my Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt

was really nice and comfy except I felt embarrassed wearing it because it was for my own thing oh that's nice so they do do t-shirts yeah they do t-shirts anything you can screen print i might i might use them there you go and chris fairbanks is a sincerely a very successful artist and graphic designer who does a lot of uh printing of things thank you not so much lately but i enjoy it you should hire chris fairbanks to design something for you by the way all right chris

you designed the bridgetown Comedy Festival logos, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. They're beautiful. I just did one for my own self to sell on the road to help pay for flights. There you go. It's a guitar with turntables on it. So it's like this made-up instrument blasting through a brick wall. It's very...

And it just says fairbanks world tour but then there's an asterisk that says chris fairbanks does not play keytar or or leave the country but uh i already got those printed up okay well we'll be back in just a second i'm jordan jesse gump Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Chris Fairbanks, three to four time guest one of those we really need an hour times that we have we have passionate fans we have folks

who've gone back and listened to the from the first episode recently we have folks who've listened more through more than once tell us how many times fairbanks has been on i i think it's three and i'm confusing the racist uh voice recording. But here's what I think. I think that you recorded with Jordan and Gene twice, and you did it once with me and Jordan. I think this is your fourth time. Maybe, yeah. Boy. I think Jordan has hosted the show twice, and both times he had Gene and you with him.

I feel like I've been on more than once with you. Yeah. So you think this is your sixth? How many times do you think? Have we ever done this show without Chris? Do you remember ever doing a show without Chris? No, he's been here every time. You've been here 101 times, right? Yeah. And I'm sorry about all those times I haven't spoken up and I was just hiding.

No, no, no. It's fun to have you. I need to ask you and you should I mean, you can share what you want to share and not share what you want to share, but I'm a little bit worried about you. I'm a little bit worried about, frankly, your physical safety. Yes. Because it seems like it may be under threat. Yes, and there's been... And not just by the punk rock guy no no

so there's people like with those guys it's like you said they you they seem scary but they they have it together and they're they're like likable and you can catch them smiling uh there's also as long as you're white the uh scary like focused young what appears to be a successful young person who's more inside like a Patrick Bateman type. Yeah, like there's something burning. Yeah, and I met... It started... See this little tattoo? I got a tattoo here.

It's a little tattoo. Yeah, on my ankle. It's a greater than sign. A less than sign. Less than sign, excuse me. You're thinking of the alligator eating. Excuse me. The alligator eats the bigger number.

Right. Well, this says less than three. It's a heart, a emoticon for a heart. Yeah. Which I got with a girl that I met after knowing her for a day and a half. So you went out and you got a... She challenged... Is this a matching tattoo?

Middle of the day, yes, she also has one. Okay. And she said, we should get a tattoo, it'll be funny. And I'm like, I like funny stuff, and I got it. You're a professional comedian. Yes, who's never had a tattoo before. But I was, I'm smitten with this girl, she might be too young for me, but I didn't, and I didn't know a lot about her, she's 20, and I'm 34.

And as, so, well, i'm just admitting stuff now anyway at some point my life is in danger uh uh so i spent a few days question are you a gay gentleman like myself i dabble no i am uh she's a lady woman and uh a lady woman and uh believe me i've been with lady boys no um i haven't but uh so she and i spent some time together so you meet this girl and you like her you like her enough i met her at a starbucks and get a text messaging theme tattoo that was what she sent me when i first met her via unlike myspace and i'm like what's that a birthday hat on an ass i didn't know what it was and then uh no it's a heart well by all means let me have it be permanent on my ankle the most masculine place to get any permanent ink all you thugs uh anyway i will there's a lot of ms-13 world's most dangerous gang Gang members around here.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Even the middle-aged African-American auxiliary is downstairs, so... Well, I don't think any of them will have a series of emoticons around their ankle, like next I'm getting LOL, and then just all of them around my ankle. And then you're getting the 8 and then the equal signs and then the closed parentheses bracket to make the dick.

Oh, that's a new one. I'm getting fullback ASCII art of a dragon. Yeah. I like the idea of emoticon tattoos. I wake up one morning. I'm putting on my pants. I don't have a shirt on yet. And a dude comes in my house.

He's let in by my roommate, but he just says, Hey, Chris here. And then he comes into my bedroom he's let in by my roommate but he just says hey chris here he comes in and then he comes into my bedroom and shuts the door and his face is an inch from mine and he's shaking and he's much larger than i am and and very fit and uh and uh i was like hi i don't know you and he didn't say anything he just stood there it was really kind of scary and i didn't say anything. He just stood there. It was really kind of scary. And I wasn't wearing shoes. That's why I realized this whole thing. If you needed to run, you'd be at a disadvantage.

There's never a more vulnerable time, and I bring up where the red fern grows when he stomped on his foot with a cowboy boot. That was like a scary part in the book to me. Some bully stomped on his toes with the heel of his boot. Remember that? I don't. I have tender feet.

I can't even walk on gravel. You have a reputation in the comedy community as a bit of a tenderfoot. People call me that. heel of his boot remember that i don't i have tender feet i can't even walk on gravel you have a reputation in the comedy community as a bit of a tenderfoot yeah people call me that they and uh and i i am a tenderfoot and i'm scared to not have shoes and i don't even like wearing shorts i hate my skinny legs anyway all this i was totally out in the open and this guy and i said i think i know are you maybe this girl's boyfriend? She said she was broken up with you, but I feel like with your anger level right now,

maybe it's not over. Judging by your uncontrollable shaking and being in my house in the morning. Maybe there's some, and maybe you guys need to figure it out, at which point I will wait on the sidelines. I will quit seeing her if you want. And he was like, no, it's over. So go ahead.

But he did say he came there to kick my ass. And I found out later he's a jujitsu instructor guy. Which means that he would just grab my head and knee me repeatedly. Oh, we've seen Red Belt. Yeah. Nimi repeatedly. Oh, we've seen Red Belt. Yeah, it's a specific type of like a grapply, wrestler-y

thing that where any of my street instincts, and I've been in a couple street squabbles, they would do nothing. Sometimes shit goes down in Missoula. If someone knows how to... There's certain things, you know, what color to wear when you're hunting, how to tie a fly-fishing tie,

you know, and uh also where eddie vetter's house used to be wait did any better grew up there uh jeff a man the bass player ah shit still a member of pearl jam yep i was pretty close yeah yeah he's a good guy he's a good guy uh and so i talked to this guy for like a half hour and he actually like pretty he didn't sit down show you any moves no no we didn't actually get that friendly uh i think if i was him i would pretend you're coming at me with a knife like this oh that'll be really handy handshake and he leaves and i wave out the window he has since uh called her and threatened her and threatened the two of us and uh but he's like a you know a 22 yearold dude that's doing pretty well, has a medical job, and seems like he has it together.

But he's crazy enough to drive an hour from an hour south. He's spending his free time threatening you. He lives close to San Diego, drove all the way up to beat me up in my house. That takes a special person. You mentioned that he does jiu-jitsu. Is it Chiwetel Ejiofor? I'm sorry? Chiwetel Ejiofor i'm sorry chiwetel eejiofor ah the star of red belt oh or

or a quick alternate possibility was it david mamet ah was he an elderly jew did he want to talk to you about zionism he you know he did but he was very young he's very fit did he want to talk about different Jewish ethnic groups? He actually wanted to... Did he want to specify Ashkenazi Jews? He wanted to talk to me about Mount Zion, and he then put on a Bob Marley shirt and fake dreadlocks. Oh, cool. Emancipate yourself!

And we did reggae back and forth improv. You were just doing reggae improv? That sounds funny. You were just improvising cool reggae beats i by jujitsu i mean improv reggae singing so what is there like are you are you getting yourself into fighting shape if this ever goes down uh no no i you should get a self-defense pen i i you know i've i've bought some uh self-defense pens tear gas in a little can that you can hold In your hand like a fist

As you spray and punch someone Wow the old spray and punch So it's like But you don't have any self defense pens No no like James Bond had It's like a pen That you can use to write But it's super reinforced

And sharp so you can use it to like poke someone's eye out or whatever well i'm not willing to do that i mean any pen can take out someone's eye but this is a self-defense pen well if the pen was some pens are for writing some are for self-defense even if the pen gave me permission to stick it in someone's eye i would not do so this guy he could have been hitting me i'm not gonna stab out his eye did he do anything you would just like think about that at night like for the rest of your life you'd be like going you know it's like when you see you know some sort of scary image in a movie and you know you think about it at inappropriate times right if you would actually stab someone in the eye you would be thinking about that eye popping

yeah totally my life i will not ever stab anyone in the eye. It would probably ruin his life, too. It would ruin his eyesight, but he'd move on. I think he's got a... Do you think you can be good at jiu-jitsu without depth perception? Because you use feel to gauge space. The whole time he was in my room... It's a grappling situation.

The whole time he was in my room, his eyes were closed. Did you grapple him at all? I don't know why, but he had pulled out chopsticks and killed a fly in midair. Did you eat any grapple while he was there? I, yeah. Yeah. So I don't know if this is a detail that is shareable, but I found it. How big is your drink and how big is his? You guys had a p sword fight right

at the urinal it's not a subject change you just want to know if he and i uh yeah we crossed streams he uh he recognized you from tv yeah oh yeah i'm sorry yeah well when when i talked him down i realized he wasn't gonna beat me up anymore I was like, I hate that I'm this guy. I will back off if you want. Like, I was being an adult. Sure. And he's like, ah, now I can't beat him up. So he tried to insult me just by, and he said, you're on Fuel TV, and this is how you live?

Like, making fun of how messy my room was. And I was like, well, I'm doing my taxes. And then I just did laundry. Frankly, if I had known there would be a visitor, I would have cleaned up. I would have put a pot of tea on. He kind of laughed at that, too. So it ended, yeah, it ended. I like that idea that if one appears on TV,

one is a bazillionaire. Oh, right, right. Yeah, my three to four times a month means that I'm not messy and I fold my laundry immediately is what it really translated. My room was a mess. I like the idea of you guys becoming best friends. Yeah, well, it's not. You're messing the cards?

No, he's contacted this girl since. Maybe you guys can start a... Who I'm still seeing. I'm seeing her now. Maybe you guys can start a... Who I'm still seeing. I'm seeing her now. Maybe you guys can start a Sublime cover band. Yeah, he should like... He lives down in the Long Beach area.

I'm sure he wants to do a rendition of Date Rape. That's a song. Popular Sublime song. Popular Sublime song. There's a song called Date Rape. It's horrible. Sublime's awful.

Yeah. We all liked him at one point. Come on, let's get... We didn't all is awful. Yeah. We all liked him at one point, but come on. Let's get him. We didn't all like him. Well, we all love Mount Zion. Emancipate. What's amazing?

There's a dog in here that I haven't met yet. Coco just came in here because she was so excited because she loves reggae. Okay, cool. Well, we pray for your safety, Chris. Thank you. And we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Oh, my gosh.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, I've been on every show. It strikes me that your cell phone might be blowing up. Yeah, yeah. Early morning blowing up? Yeah, it's blowing.

And would you say that people are getting in line to party with you tonight? It's a shame I got this sore throat. Yeah, I know. I'm going to be some disappointed. Oh, look at that one. Oh, man. No, it's just, I think, my dad. Yeah, I know. There's going to be some disappointed. Oh, look at that one. Oh, man. No, it's just, I think, my dad. Sexting?

Are you sexting? Nah, it's just my dad. Did you know that children send each other explicit text messages and photographs? It's called sexting. Yeah. Rush Limbaugh? America. Oh, okay.

That did sound like Rush Limbaugh. That was a good Limbaugh. I listened back to it in my mind that was a pretty good rush limbaugh the the last readers digest cover i had or i saw said uh had a picture of a cell phone and it said sexting question mark anyway and there yeah i'm i hate the new theories that kids are up to awful things because of technology. Yeah, I... Like, yes, I... Hey, they're way smarter than you were and than I was, so...

Yeah. Lay off. Let them have their blowjob parties or whatever they do. I hear there are Skittle parties. I don't know. They eat Skittles and whatever color. Make out. Like, weird...

I... No, I haven't heard about this. Everything's out, you know. If the kids do anything, you can read about it in the New York Times trend pieces. Yeah. Anything you want to know, what's going on in the world,

you can just follow it from a New York Times trend piece. Because they're always on it. Yeah, some sort of oral sex that involves candy. Right. There is some kind of Skittle part. You have to put a Skittle into your urethra. That's why I've never done it. Right, right. Any kind of candy in my pee candy. Right. Right? There is some kind of skittle part. You have to put a skill into your urethra. That's why I've never done it. Right, right.

Any kind of candy in my pee hole. Yeah. Have you ever been to a Kit Kat? Oh, never mind. Yeah, apparently that's a real thing.

Give me a break, Chris. But they all break me off a piece of that. I set him up You knock him down Let's do momentous occasions On Jordan Jesse Go

We like to invite you the listener To call in when something momentous Happens in your life And boy we've got some nice momentous occasions On the tape today Hey guys I am calling in with a momentous occasion. This is Nick Turner from Brooklyn. I just drove a Hummer through Times Square while Stephen Baldwin of Biodome and crazy

conservative fame hung off the side of the vehicle in a smoothie online commercial that he was directing. Pretty crazy. All right, thanks, guys. Bye. I don't even understand. I don't think I can piece those pieces together in my mind. I was with him until it was a smoothie online.

Commercial, right. A commercial for smoothies, which is just a type of beverage. Yeah, yeah. And I don't think it's one of those things where... It was a commercial for juice. You know... Stephen Ball's like, smoothie, they're great! A great way, whether it's yogurt, ice cream, or just a bunch of juice.

I gotta get on this Hummer now. This is all a lie. I was... When he said the word smoothie, it transformed, it's in my mind, to him with just hanging off the side of a smoothie and what had initially been a film camera in his hand just turned into a giant smoothie. So he's, in my mind, just leaning off this car, like wind whipping in the air, looking kind of handsome and blonde but grizzled. And he's just got this enormous smoothie. And he's just kind of got that like, look on his face.

And the smoothie's out at like arm's length. And just people are, like heads are just whipping around. Check out that fucking smoothie. And you don't even think they're recording this? No, I don't think they're recording it. I think it's like a magical moment that he's trying to create.

Well, I do believe he was driving. Yeah. Yeah, this is one where I would like to hear the whole story. So if this guy wants to call up and just give a blow-by-blow. I think he was keeping it short and sweet. If he hadn't kept it short and sweet, would we be talking about it right now? Fair enough. If it included the part where Stephen Baldwin does blow, then yes, we would.

Hey, Jordan and Jesse Go. This is Joe from Cedar Falls, Iowa. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I work at a burrito restaurant in the heart of the bar district in a college town. It's quarter to five in the morning, and earlier I overheard a college guy say to another college guy, you are the Van Wilder of Cedar Falls. The Van Wilder of Cedar Falls. That's just a magical moment, you know?

That's based on a real person, Van Wilder. Really? Yeah, you know the guy Bert that was on that Reality Bites back show I did? No. Oh, wait, yes, I do. He's this fun-loving, he was great. I liked hanging out with him, and I can see why. But there's some article about him in Rolling Stone

that was about him being this party guy at the school involved with all these party-related functions and organizing events like he was the party guy. And someone read that article and then it inspired the movie Van Wilder. So he didn't get any of that sweet Van Wilder... No. So I know the real Van Wilder of

wherever he's from. Did you party with him? Yeah, he's an alcoholic, yeah. Quick question. What kind of animal hair was on his dick? Cheetah. Hi, yeah. Quick question. What kind of animal hair was on his dick? Cheetah. Hi, Gordon. How do you see? I was just calling

because I just got my woods and teeth out. I was going to... I'm kind of high up in the medicine, but I'm listening to your show. I don't know why I'm in my bed.

I'm asleep. So thank you. That's Sarah from Boston. My mom's going to get mad at me if she knows I'm calling someone, so I'm going to go. Bye. Awesome, right? I like that one.

That's a great one. I just have my wisdom. I don't have an occasion. The best time to call in to Jordan, Jesse, go is when you are, for all intents and purposes, asleep. Right. Or your mouth is full of blood and something. Yeah, yeah.

And blood and something else. It could be blood and anything. Just let us know what it is. Blood and tequila. Blood and deer urine. Blood and chicken feathers, in your case, Chris blood and chicken feathers in your case, Chris. Is there blood in your mouth and you're also enjoying ice cream? Call us.

For no reason. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is probably not a 10 on the momentous occasion scale since it happens every year, but for me it's still a pretty big deal. And it's the last day of school, and the kids are just about to go nuts. And hopefully if I time this right...

We have to wait for it. This will work out. Wait for it. Okay, maybe not. You know, schools are weird places. Things don't happen when they're supposed to happen. Oh! Alright, that's it. That's the announcement.

Here we go. Last day of school. Okay. Bye. She's out of school. Now, there's some good things about this call. There's a lot of good things. Number one, I think last day of school is a momentous occasion.

It's one that hasn't been celebrated on the show in this way before. And I think we're going to have a lot of fun talking about last days of school in a moment. But before we get to that, I like the fact she's clearly an adult. Yeah. Was she a student or a teacher? That was my question. She is clearly an adult. Okay. But she does not identify herself as a teacher. Right. She works in the office. She could just be someone who went to the school to document this occasion for Jordan Jesse Go and or for nefarious reasons. In which case

she's kind of creepy. Exactly. So I think it's a really magical moment. And I think I was just the other day I was sitting at my Standing in my kitchen cooking myself lunch And remembering how important

The last day of school is Like how they're really Like the reason that Alice Cooper Can make a hit record called Schools Out for Summer Even though he's an adult dressed up in weird makeup And it's a topic that's only of interest to eight-year-olds, is because that is really the most amazing thing in the world. Even to an adult who remembers that.

Yeah, even just thinking back, it transcends all creepiness or weirdness or nostalgia or, you know, anything, just to think back and think how amazing the last day of school was. Yeah, because we don't get the last day of anything anymore. No. Nothing ends. Yeah. There's only one last day left for us. Last day of your mother-in-law's visit, huh?

Am I right, fellas? I hear that. I hear that. Am I right? Last day of your urinalysis, your prostate infection. What? Sorry. I don't know what to say.

I do have a severe infection in my prostate. You do? Somebody did a surgery and they used dirty tools. That's on you? That's the only way to get an infection in your prostate that I'm aware of. Sitting at the edge of an algae-riddled hot tub did it for me. Oh, no. Really? me. Oh, no. Really?

Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, don't let it sit in a stagnant puddle. Oh, gosh. Not tip first, at least. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Okay, I want to say something.

One caller called in with a quick question. They wanted to run by me. They said they were in downtown San Francisco, beautiful downtown San Francisco, and they saw a guy dressed in an exceptionally dapper manner in a classic tuxedo, a white dinner jacket. Ben Vereen. With two very beautiful young women with him who were dressed similarly formally. And he thought it might have been me, yes, of course it was me.

Yeah. Of course it was me. Yeah, San Francisco, you've kicked it around there. Yeah, of course. I mean, you're going to see a class act in San Francisco, two beautiful women. Who else is it going to be? It could possibly be former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown.

So the question is, is it an African-American gentleman or a white gentleman? Right, he should have been more specific. If it's an African-American gentleman. Are we ruling out Huey Lewis? Are we ruling out? Huey Lewis has the women on his arm. There's no doubt about that. I know that from my mother-in-law's reaction the time that she saw him at Pete's Coffee. I hear that every time you see him, he actually has a saxophone and he he's surrounded by smoke and sunglasses. It's weird. He drinks his coffee through a saxophone.

It's amazing. Which seems weird to me. Anything he needs to ingest, he has to just dump in the saxophone. He actually lives outside Missoula, Montana, a good friend of mine. Her parents are his neighbor. Oh, wow. Well, you know, he also, I think, lives in Marin County. He must have more than one home.

Does he see him regularly in Marin County? He must have more than one home. Yeah, Hamilton. He's regularly in Marin County. He's regularly in Hamilton. You know what? We're fighting now. I think I've said this. Guys, this just got weird. I think I've said this on the show before,

but you won't get me to say an ill word about Mr. Huey Lewis. I really like him. I like him. I love his work. I love his songs. I mean, I wouldn't listen to them, like I wouldn't buy a CD of Huey Lewis songs, but I'm totally fine if they come on.

But if one was on during the credits of Back to the Future? I would do. It would just make me feel glad. I love his attitude. I like how this is a guy who's – there's different kinds of celebrities, and when you live in a town that doesn't have a lot of celebrities, if you're not New York or Los Angeles, you get a sense of the rep

of the celebrity, the local celebs. You know, like I know that Don Johnson is a dick. Right. Cheech Marin has an amazing art collection. And by all accounts, Huey Lewis is a super nice guy. Yeah. There's no way he's not.

He's a class act. And I'm sorry if his rock and roll music isn't arty enough for you. Yeah, yeah. He just wants to make people be happy and have a class act, and I'm sorry if his rock and roll music isn't arty enough for you. Yeah, yeah. He just wants to make people be happy and have a great time, whether it's at a rock and roll concert, in the soundtrack of a movie, or an opening day of a San Francisco Giants baseball game. So long as it's not the 90s yet.

Do you guys want to know what celebrity news I gleaned from living in Orange County? Yeah, Jordan. Rog Lodge, host of Blind Date. Yeah, Roger Lodge. Let's kids drink at his house. Wow. It's one of those situations where he takes their keys and lets the kids drink and sleep over there.

Does he even know these kids? I don't know if he's related to them or not. I think it's his kids' friends. It's one of those situations. Where is his dick during this time? In or out? All over. The dick gets... It's so hard to... It's a bit those situations. Where is his dick during this time? In or out? All over. The dick gets...

It's so hard to... It's a bit of a free agent. It's hard to get a bead on it. Hard to get a bead on Roger Lodge's dick. It's in a jar on the mantel. I hear that. I met him at a party once. He seemed nice.

He didn't seem like a kid. Was he letting you drink? Yeah. He was okay with you drinking at the party? Yeah. Wow. Granted, I was 27 at the time. Still, though, I don't think you should be encouraging that.

I do have a boy, so I look young. Yeah, I look young. Or I did. Hey, Jordan Jesse. This is Will from Chicago. I just went to check my mail today, and among all the other crap, there was a little plastic baggie that contained a pin that had a big R on it and said under that, Realtor.

And I think maybe I just got inducted into a secret society of real estate agents. I've never sold a house before. I've never taken any classes, but I'm ready to give it a shot. So if anyone would like me to sell their house on a secret black market of high stakes real estate, just let me know. Thanks, guys. See, Will has a positive attitude. He has a winning attitude. That's why this guy, as far as I'm concerned,

this guy's in the Boner Society because he is ready to go. He's reaching for the stars. He's living the Boner Society's motto ever skyward. And the Boner Society is still something I need to be educated on. Okay, so it's an organization that I've established. We should be resetting this anyways.

Yeah, I mean, this is an organization that I've established. I'm its leader. But there are certainly other prominent members, Jordan included. I'm an officer. Oh, okay. included i'm an officer oh yeah so um basically what it is is we use the the male the engorgement of the male member of blood with blood as a metaphor sure for reaching one's full potential engorging oneself with success ambition skill, talent, big ideas. And not necessarily women or sex.

No, it has nothing to do with women or sex. People think it has to do with women or sex. It's misleading. It's misleading because of the name. Now, look at me here. It does have to do with women in the sense that women are just as welcome in the boner society or TBS as are men. Now, there have been some concerns. There's been, number one, one concern was,

when we call it TBS, will we upset Ted Turner, who we already have a tenuous relationship with? We've been considering making him our nemesis for quite some time and sort of have vacillated back and forth between bringing him into the fold and making him our enemy. This is really going to be problematic, especially given that we had people make badges or coats of arms for the Boner Society, TBS,

and one person did make one that had a photograph of Ted Turner and Captain Planet on it. Oh, wow. That's nice. Which doesn't seem appropriate to me. No. But yes, the Boner Society is very real, and I want to welcome you to join. Now, here's my only concern, though, Chris. And this is a sincere concern.

I know you work for Fuel TV. You're an action sports enthusiast. You like to snowboard. I do. You like to skateboard. I like to skateboard. You're wearing Nike SBs. Yeah. snowboard i do uh you like to skateboard you were in nike sbs yeah um so i i know what kind of guy you are okay and that kind of guy is not necessarily welcome in the boner society really

unless okay here's the thing do you feel like you are living or prepared to live the motto ever skyward because i this is not a place for layabouts this is not a place for long hairs okay it's some long hairs some some long hairs certainly but this is this is not a part this is not a place for trustafarians oh i am not rich this is not a place for trustafarians. Oh, I am not rich. This is a place, I'm going to be honest with you, Chris, depending on circumstances, this is typically a place for somebody who makes sure to put a pot of coffee on before a guy comes over to teach him jiu-jitsu. Right, you're right. Well, maybe I need to think about it.

Okay, well, I'd think about it. I'd love to be a member. I need to think about it. But, well, I'd think about it. I'd love to be a member. I need to think about it. But you're making a commitment. And that's the point I'm making. It might not be the time. We would love to have you as a member because, obviously, I like you a lot. I don't know if you can tell that, but I mean that sincerely.

I really like you a lot, Chris. I know Jordan thinks the world of you, thinks you're just one of the funniest guys he's ever known, and just thinks it's such a pleasure to work with you on the occasion that he gets the chance to do that. Plus, we need all the celebrity cachet we can get. Right, I mean, you're certainly, I mean, you're well-known among jujitsu instructors and 20-year-olds alike. And the only question is then, am I up for it?

Right. Do I have the... Do you have the blood, metaphorically speaking, to engorge your metaphorical member. Right. Not metaphorically. Not sexually. No. Not sexually. So a woman can yell. A woman can be part of a cooking class and do well, get an A

on her quiche and say, I have such a food boner! Or do you not yell boner? We prefer... This is, to be frank with you, I think it's a little déclassé to talk about boners too much. Because people will often be... It is the name of the society, though.

It's going to come up. Well, I mean, what we try and do is keep it above board, keep things refined, keep things classy. That I can do. Stick out a pinky if we're drinking from a smaller teacup now you're describing me so um yeah cucumber sandwiches possibly i'm worried that if i'm motivated enough we like racket sports i like tall ships i like to relax absolutely tall ships the cutty sark the hms bounty these are all examples i want to be a member we'll just have to talk.

I need to get a brochure or something. Well, I've got a lot of hope for you, Chris. I'm really like, I can, let me put it this way, and this is a metaphor, of course, but I can see your boner now. Right. Metaphorically. You're in the bone zone.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Better, too. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, this was a fun show, don't you think? It was. Chris, did you have a good time?

I did have a good time. I feel a little ill, and I didn't want to bring this up. You've been gargling with salt water. It didn't come across. Okay, good. I think that's points on your TBS application. Ah, Superstation. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Donor Society, sorry. I'm already... Please don't hold that against me. We will. I want to bring up something. We've reignited an old feature, the high-five contest. Yeah. This is where people take pictures of themselves giving high-fives,

and they send them in for points, and there's ways to get more points. One of the ways is to take a picture of yourself high-fiving a celebrity. Right. If you live in Austin or the surrounding area, this coming week, you have a chance to high-five Chris Fairbanks and get that extra high-five contest point. Jordan. Yes. Two extra points. This is a triple-point high-five. Fairbanks and get that extra high-five contest point. Jordan. Yes. Two extra points. This is a triple-point high-five.

Because this is an assignment. Yeah, yeah, okay. This is a celebrity, maybe, and past guest. A past guest. Is that also a... Yeah, I think past guests... How about this? Two bonus points for any Jordan, Jesse, Goer, Sound of Young America guest guest that you high five. Think about what you're saying.

I know. I'm overvaluing these, but that's what we need to do at the end of the day. And if people want, so this is essentially what we're offering people if they live in the Austin, Texas area. Number one, we're offering them a chance to get

triple points. Two bonus points for a high five with Chris Fairbanks. Number two, we're offering them a shot to get uh a triple points right two bonus points for a high five with chris fairbanks number two we're offering them a shot at a keytar uh with turntables t-shirt right they'd have to purchase it when i say offering a shot at i mean that they would have the opportunity to purchase i want to try and make my money back yeah t-shirt quite an expenditure number three we're offering them a chance to enjoy a headlining set from mr chris fairbanks who will be recording a comedy cd in austin texas that's right and that's june 9th through 13th yes tuesday through sunday it's like a whole full run this week yeah it's like a the whole nine yards of cap at cap

city comedy club in austin texas the premier comedy club in austin texas it is i'm guessing i'm guessing it is the best many of it is the best one there's a couple okay good so it's the top but it's this is the top oh it's the a room yeah and you're the you're the a talent well as we just heard that's i like to think so it's my first time headlining there i've worked there many many times it's kind of my home club actually yeah so there you go to go back so we're talking about capacity we're talking about about Fairbanks headlining a cap city in Austin. Triple points. And, you know, I've seen people are already starting in on the new wave of the high five contest.

A young lady asked in the high five contest thread, could she use old high five contest pictures from last year? The answer is, fuck no. Yeah, what? What the fuck kind of contest do you think this is? She pitches this to me as as a bonus to long-time listeners look if i wanted to give a bonus to long-time listeners i would do that but i don't want to i thought that was going somewhere but it didn't go anywhere but um the point of the point is i i saw in a young lady's live journal page uh i can't remember

what her what her live journal name was it involved the japanese word kawaii uh meaning cute um and uh and she had already posted something that she had done at school okay she was well on her way are are you i'm not asking you guys you're not you're ineligible i'm asking the listener i'm rhetorically asking, are you on your way? He's pointing right now like an Uncle Sam poster. Yeah, exactly. High509, isn't that our Flickr code? I think so, yes.

So tag it High509, High509 on Flickr. You upload them. You get a point for every high five you take a picture of. You get a point for an extra point if you take it in front of a major landmark or notable place uh number three you get an extra point for a high five and you get two extra points for high-fiving someone who uh has been on jordan jesse go or has been on the sound of you know that's great isn't that amazing and you cannot get you cannot get more than one point

for high-fiving a given person. So you can't just go with your buddy and go from place to place high-fiving. Right, right, right. You can only get one point per person. I gotcha. That's amazing, Jordan. We're changing the world.

Yeah. If you have thoughts about the show, 206-984-4FUN, the number to call if you want to share a momentous occasion. You have advice for Jordan's Red Bull addiction or if you have ideas about what I should do about my world collapsing around me. And, of course, Chris Fairbanks is at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. You're on the interweb too, right?

I am, I am. What is it, chrisfairbanks.com? It is. It's kind of under construction. chrisfairbanks.com. And you can see if you go to fueltv.com, is it fuel.tv? It's fuel.tv. Yeah, yeah.

If you go to fuel.tv, you can type in Chris Fairbanks' name into the video player, and you'll find some of the cool videos that he's made for Fuel, which I've watched and I think are hilarious and really great. Yeah, I enjoy that. They're really funny. What's that called? Sunuppers? Sundowners?

The Sunrise Gang? Dawn Patrol. The Sunshine Boys. The Sunshine Gang. Dawn Patrol. There you go. Dawn Patrol. I like that. Chris plays a turn-of-the-century orphan who goes around looking for apples.

Sunshine Kids. When we aren't picking pockets, we're picking friends. Chris plays a turn-of-the-century orphan who travels the world looking for Roger Lodge's house. So he can get drunk and fucked. But here's the thing. It's the turn of the 25th century.

Me absorbed. Yay! Okay, we'll see you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go.