Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 102: MaxFunCon

Episode Date: June 15, 2009

Jesse and Jordan record live on stage at MaxFunCon with John Hodgman and Martin Starr.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, Jesse, go.

We talk about summer camp and high school teachers live from Max Funcon in Lake Arrowhead, California. Plus, Judge John Hodgman. Let's go. Hi, my name's Lee Thorne. I'd just like to introduce a couple of pretty good people by the name of Jordan Jesse. This is Jordan Jesse Goh. Jordan, I... Did you leave your hot beverage? Is this your hot beverage?

No, this is my hot beverage. I preset my beverage. Preset your hot beverage. It's called presetting. That's theater lingo. I know all about that kind of stuff, Jordan. All about it. This looks like it adjusts, but I don't know if it does.

It does. Oh, welcome. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go, everybody. Great to have you here. Monsters of podcasting. We've got our pals. You look nice today. Coming up in a minute.

Everything's looking great. The weather's cleared up here in beautiful Lake Arrowhead, California. We're having a good time. We've got some s'mores in our system. What's balmy? When someone describes something as balmy, I feel like I just say that sometimes, but I don't really know what balmy means. You say it to someone who has like a Mediterranean complexion.

Yeah, yeah. Balmy. No, that's Jewy. Gotcha. Balmy is like a warm and maybe a little bit close. You know what I mean? Like a Hawaii. Does it imply humidity?

I think it implies humidity. Am I correct? Anybody out there? Yeah, it implies a humidity, but not necessarily hot. More like warm. I feel like I don't ever want to have a conversation about the weather, including this. I don't like what we're doing here. I have a distaste for this.

But you know, we knew going in that you wouldn't like this. Yeah, yeah. I like very few things we do. This is you tolerate not something you enjoy exactly um and yeah i feel like balmy is just my brush off when i want to end the weather conversation i'm having like i'll just say like i feel like that's just a conversation ender when it comes to weather like even if it's like like i sure it's hot i'm like yeah kind of balmy and then i i leave but you understand which it kind of balmy, and then I leave. But you understand that... Wish it was more balmy. This is something that's going on inside your mind and not something that's going on inside the other person in the conversation's mind.

They don't understand that this is a conversation ender. The conversation ender to them more is that you've walked away. Sure. Yeah, but, you know, it's my brain. I can do whatever I want to with it. Frankly, if you want a conversation ender, before I went to Balmy, I would go to Dewey. Yeah.

Yeah. If those are the arrows in your quiver, that's the one I would pick. Sure, yeah. Just tell the person they're looking Dewey. Yeah. Turn around, walk away. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, and then I stick up my middle finger. So if they are watching me walk away, I'm giving them the bird. Have you had a good time so far at Max Frontenac? Yeah, I am having a nice time. It's this beautiful summer camp environment. Jordan, you're so loud. How do you clap so loud, Jordan? I use my butt.

I didn't expect it to be this boozy. Honestly? Yeah, that kind of got me by surprise, too, and I bought all the booze. I don't know what I thought it would be like when I bought $3,000 worth of booze. I don't know what I thought it would be like when I bought $3,000 worth of booze. I guess I thought that was possibly for disinfecting cuts and scrapes. Yeah. I just like to pour a nice stout on a wound. That's maybe why I don't have any of my original

fingers, because they've all gotten infected because I pour beer on them. I guess it's... When I get a cut. I guess it's... I guess they're not being used for the emergency situations that I imagined that they would be used for because I forgot to bring all those St. Bernards I bought. Yes. But you did bring every Beethoven movie.

Yes. Including the direct-to-DVD sequel starring Judge Reinhold as Charles Grodin. That's some stuff I know. We had a great... That's cool. Did you know that

I met Charles Grodin one time? Did you? I was working for this radio show called... God, I'm so disappointed this isn't a Judge Reinhold story. Sorry. You made that

I have a story about the thing you said face and I'm like, oh, Grodin, whatever. One time I got in a bar fight with Judge Reinhold story. Sorry. You made that I have a story about the thing you said face, and I'm like, oh, Capone. Oh, Grodin, whatever. One time I got in a bar fight with Judge Reinhold. Really? For the audience at home, I'm making a jack-off-under-the-table motion.

Because I am so turned on by that Reinhold. I did meet Charles Grodin one time. A little boozy at Max von Gunn. It's been a little boozy. I met Charles Grodin one time, real Grodin one time. A little boozy at Max von Gunn. It's been a little boozy. I met Charles Grodin one time, real Grodiny. Like, you'd think now, you know, 20 years on from the peak of his Grodin-ness, the Grodin-iness would have sort of worn off, but absolutely not. It was a weekend public radio show, like a morning public radio show that I was working on.

Would it be funny to say, potatoes are Grodin? I believe you have your answer, sir. Yeah. He was exceptionally irascible. Wait, like when would I say that? I just don't know when I would say it. Well, if you were over at his house. And he was serving you some sort of cheesy side dish.

Right. Or any potatoey side dish. I bet he says that. He seems like the kind of guy, I bet he has corny dad shit like that that he just pulls out. Do you think on the set of The Heartbreak Kid he was keeping the cast in stitches

with his Grodin puns? Just inserting his own name into everything. Have you heard the new Josh Grodin CD? And he was actually talking about Josh Grodin. I was going to say, I anticipate ten years from now auditioning for the sitcom Grodin Pains. I'm making the jack-off motion again. Oh, man. Okay, well, we got cool stuff coming up on the show, but I promised in my Twitter twats

and in my electronic mail messages that we would have a special guest on Jordan Jesse Go. You might know him. Ten years ago, he rose to superstardom on the failed television program Freaks and Geeks playing Bill Haverchuk.

Today, he's on the fantastic television show Party Down on the Starz Network as well as in roles on basically every blockbuster film that needs a guy to press an enhance button and then say something funny afterwards. Not just the enhance button. No. That's to say something after. That's his niche.

Yeah. Right? So please welcome to the stage Martin Starr. Come on up, Martin. I don't see days. Oh, it's so nice to have you here, Martin. Longer introduction? No, you can add, do you want to add to it? Do you want to adlib a little bit? That was sarcasm. Maybe you should hold this microphone. It seems way too short. Do you have any Charles Grodin buns you want to make?

No, but I went to school with Josh Groban. Oh, how'd that go? I don't know. Me neither. This is why we bring him here, folks. It's the Hollywood Insider Anecdotes. So what have you done so far? Is this Kathy Griffin over here?

So far in this Max Funcon, you've been here since yesterday. Correct. Martin, what was the number one activity you participated in? I did crafting. Did some crafting? What did you make in craft class with our pal Jenny Ryan? Yeah. She's really nice.

Yeah. Cool lady. Mm-hmm. She's got like a little scissor tattoo on her inside wrist. Yeah. Very edgy. What kind of craft did you make? Extremely edgy.

I made some terrariums. Excellent. What's inside? A terrarium is like a jar with some dirt and some soil. It's an ecosystem. Is it self-sustaining? I made an ecosystem. Wow, that's great.

Congratulations. I noticed that there was a deer living inside your terrarium. I mean, I think I explained it pretty well when I said I made an ecosystem. So it's got everything from the creatures of the land to the birds of the sea. Everything within the circle of life. Including angels. Everything from the krill to the great blue whale. I don't know that I would go that far.

Would you consider yourself like a crafty guy normally? Do you do, you know... I made this jacket. Nice. That's a lie. No. It's a handsome jacket. This whole time I thought maybe...

I knew that Star, your last name Star, was a stage name. I thought maybe your real last name was Wrangler. Because it's all... Wrangler's all over the jacket. Wrangler written on it. For the folks at home and everybody else who's not sitting right next to him. Please explain the joke. Oh, my God.

Made a Wrangler on a jacket. I took my migraine medication earlier, so there's going to be a lot of joke explanations going on. I am in my own little world. Yeah. How was your nap? I took a little nap. That was great.

Luckily, my wife, my poor wife is studying for the bar right now. And she's she was at home or by at home. I mean, in our little cabin area, watching a video of a lecture about going to law school or something. And I don't understand exactly something about when a wife, what was good about it was as I was sort of in this migraine medication haze, sort of drifting off to sleep, I hear this kind of like 60-year-old man in a tiny window on my wife's laptop talking about what you can and what is and isn't confidential if you tell it to your wife. So like there's all kinds of shit that I could tell theresa that you guys would never know in a court of law in the context of a court of law because you would probably spill the beans i'm gonna be honest with you like if i promised to murder somebody or something sure but you're talking about like stuff about your boner oh that's what you're that's like what you're is that what are you getting at boner that's white stuff that's like Like, I'm really going to murder this boner.

By using it to fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's sort of like, here at MaxFunCon, I feel like it's sort of... We've had all this summer camp stuff going on, sort of like we made merit badges. Everybody got a merit badge or an attendance badge. We had these craft classes.

There was God's Eyes and terrariums and all this different neat stuff. We made some postcards and put them in, so I hope people are writing postcards home. That's expected. And I started thinking about my summer. Did you ever go to summer camp, Jordan? Yeah, I had a brief summer camp,

and it wasn't all summer. It was kind of a three-week situation, I had a brief summer camp, and it wasn't all summer. It was kind of a three-week situation, and it was with some family friends. When Jordan says he went to a summer camp situation, what he's actually talking about is his brief time shooting a Tom Clancy movie where he was in the war room. Yeah.

It's another one of those jokes I'm going to have to explain. Yep. In my mind, a situation is like a situation room or where you're responding to an emergency. There's a red button that launches nuclear weapons. That's where Jordan was, but I know that Jordan,

especially as a child, wasn't actually in the military or the Joint Chiefs of Staff, so I figured maybe he could be in a movie. If it's a movie, it's probably one of those Harrison Ford, Tom Clancy movies, right? I don't know. Has Tom Clancy been in a movie? I don't even know what you're talking about.

Has there been a single Tom Clancy movie? Yeah, all those Harrison Ford, like Clear and Present Danger. That was Tom Clancy? Those are what he did. He didn't direct the movie, but it was marketed as an adaptation of a Tom Clancy movie. Harrison Ford played the same character. Why do I know this? I've never even seen these movies.

That's weird. I have no idea. I don't think I've ever even read a Tom Clancy novel. So you had a three-week situation. I did have a three-week situation. That was more boring than my Beethoven story. Yeah, anyways. This was through a friend of the family invited me, and this was through their church.

And my family has always kind of had a tenuous relationship to church, sometimes going, sometimes not going. And this was in the kind of not going phase of my family. But I went with this church-going friend to a church-based summer camp. based summer camp. And yet I feel like that kind of robbed it of some of that summer campiness, which aren't you supposed to like, you know, like go to second base for the first time? I'll tell you, there was none of that. I had this friend. I guess you think it was because of God.

Yeah, sure. God hates that shit. I had this friend. He's like, don't stop at second. Go all the way. That's right. That's what God sounds like. Very perverted God.

In high school, I had a friend who every summer since he was like six... Let's see him. I think it's time we take those clothes off. What you can picture him as, though, three-star general in a Tom Clancy movie, right? No.

Okay, no. You mean it's God or him? No, that voice. That's the voice. I'm like, we got to shoot those Ruskies. Yeah. Here I am. Ah! uh yeah um here i am um anyway so but the thing the kind of noteworthy uh hair in my mouth anyway um the uh we have this down to a science. Like, we are so tight right now.

Crafts. We're craftsmen. You know what I mean? We've got the dance numbers. This is like a Vegas review with the level of sophistication of the stagecraft we're demonstrating. Sure. Hair in the mouth nonsense stories.

Um, here's the kind of odd part about the religious summer camp is there was no ghost stories, but every night I felt like, you know, several boys in the cabin with a counselor who was, you know, 19 or 20, like one of these kind of cool dude youth group guys who like has some tattoos and like a jet ski

and like he's totally down and he has a lot of U2 CDs and like, you know, he'll give it to you real. Like he'll give you the straight dope. He knows what kids go through. Is that how he talked? lot of U2 CDs. He'll give it to you real. He'll give you the straight dope. He knows what kids go through. Is that how he talked? Kind of, yeah.

Yes. All right. But they would... I feel like we would sit up... Martin Starr is like the voice of disbelief. He's like the skeptic's guide to Jordan Jesse Go. Does this always happen in front of an audience? Did Tom Clancy even make movies?

Yes, they did, and Jordan starred in them. No, it was Harrison Ford. I was at E3 last week in Los Angeles, California, and I got a shirt. This will tie back in. Okay, great. I got a shirt. You know what?

It doesn't matter with us. You don't have to. Fuck it. I'm done. Yeah. I went to E3, and a friend of mine works at a game company called Ubisoft, and they made a game. They make Tom Clancy games,

and they had made a mistake when they printed up the shirts, and so I got a shirt that I now own that just says Tom Clancy's, and I'm going to write balls. And maybe draw balls on them. But you're not sure if that might be Rococo. No idea what that means. So, Jordan, you're at Summer Camp.

Moving on. As I understand it, Jordan, you went to Summer Camp on the set of a Tom Cancy movie. Summer Clamp. What's Summer Clamp? What is Rococo? It's like overly decorated. It was under-decorated. But what I'm saying is that the balls might be a bit too much.

It might be gilding the lily, so to speak. Well, I'm either Tom Clancy's son when I wear it. Or some sort of belonging of his. Right. Or I've just stolen his shirt. Or... You see like a shirtless guy, where's that star?

What I think happened is maybe Clancy went to summer camp, his mom labeled all his t-shirts Tom Clancy's. So you were at summer camp, Jordan. Anyway, so you've got this youth counselor dude and then the dudes in the bunk. And I feel like every night we stayed up and the kids would just ask him questions about what hell was like. And ways in which you go to weird scenarios. Like, okay, so a baby is just born and like a rock hits the hospital i

remember one where someone's like wanted to know if like a baby just gets born and then a rock like a giant boulder like a giant acme boulder like a looney tunes boulder hits the hospital like what happens to everybody uh and it was so terrifying so terrifying like i still think of like how jittery and uh afraid i was like for three weeks after that you know i think you know who i think goes to hell the mom because she shouldn't have fucked with wiley coyote anyway uh yeah that was yeah that was my that was my only summer camp experience and i you know I was thinking about my cool kids. I went to summer camp two summers, and I went to an Episcopalian summer camp, which is sort of like a Christian summer camp in that you have to go to church,

but not like a Christian summer camp in the sense that they basically encourage you to be gay. The cool counselor at my camp, it was the younger boys dorm or whatever it was called. This counselor, I thought this guy was so fucking grown up and cool. And it occurred to me as I was thinking about summer camp, walking around here, I was like, why did I think he was so cool? Was it ghost stories? No, I hated ghost stories. And then I remembered it was because he would eat anyone's dead skin.

What? That was his thing. He's like, I'll eat it. What? Like, what? That's why I thought he was cool? That's disgusting. The voice of reason, ladies and gentlemen.

That's testable, folks. I don't know if it was more disgusting that you thought that was the coolest thing ever and probably wanted to emulate him and eat dead skin on your own and get used to it, or if someone ate dead skin and other people's dead skin around children. Yeah.

To impress them. Yeah. That was like the cultural currency of my summer camp, though. It was that and, you know, the song One Tin Soldier. What's that song? No idea. It's just a summer camp song. Okay. It's fine. Don't worry about camp, though. It was that and, you know, the song One Tin Soldier. What's that song? No idea. It's just a summer camp song.

Okay. It's fine. Don't worry about it, Jordan. There's nothing to worry about. Everything's under control. Very worried. Did you ever go to summer camp? Martin, summer camp?

Hey, yeah, thanks for asking. I did go to summer camp. Did you want to go to summer camp? Yeah, I was excited to. I was scared and excited. How old were you? Like, I don excited to. I was scared and excited. How old were you? Like, I don't know. I guess probably when I first started becoming really annoying to my parents was about seven.

Okay. Six, maybe. Six or seven, right? Yeah. So you're six or seven. So you're little, but you're going to big kids camp. Yeah, I was like eight. Yeah.

Was it sleepover camp? Yeah, weeks. At least one week, sleepover camp. That's pretty good. And I think we came back on the weekends, and then we went back again during the week. Did you ever go to summer camp when you were in your adolescent hormony stage? No, thank God. Yeah.

You know, there was this kid named Brady who went to my high school, and all this kid would talk about was this Jewish summer camp that he went to. He talked about it so much. We weren't even close friends. I mean, friendly acquaintances. Was it in Israel? No, it wasn't in Israel. It was in California somewhere.

It was called Camp Tawanga, and all he could talk about was the amount of nudity that went on at this summer camp. Like, that seems so weird to me i've really romanticized like summer camp sexual activity it's just something like it's something i like feel like i never got it was an experience like i feel like i missed out on so like yeah i uh anyway so yeah i really like hold making out in summer camp in like really high regard i'm like wow i was terrified there was a dance at the end of my summer camp, and I was terrified to go to it.

Some people, I feel like there was a real divide was between the eight- or nine-year-old boys who were like, yeah, we're going to the dance. We're going to kiss. Not each other. Each other. Episcopalian. You ready to kiss, Brett?

You did point out the homosexuality that goes on in Episcopalian You ready to kiss, Brett? You did point out the homosexuality that goes on in Episcopalian One weird thing was we had to go to church It was required that we go to church but we could go to church in our sleeping bags So we were like, go across the camp in our sleeping bags to go to church

That seems almost worse than not going to church to me Like, dear God I'm ready to go to church, that seems almost worse than not going to church to me. Like, dear God, I'm ready to go to church, but I'm not putting on any pants. Were you naked under your sleeping bag? No, I was wearing undershorts, probably. All right. On the topic of... This wasn't Camp Tawanga, Martin.

I don't get the reference. That's fine. It happened a long time ago. When I think about, you know, looking back on those counselors and, like, you know, the eating of dead skin and, you know, knowing yo-yo tricks and all those things that, like,

you, like, revere counselors for, you look back and you're like, you know, the eating of the dead skin and, you know, knowing yo-yo tricks and all those things that like you like revere counselors for. You look back and you're like, oh, God, those guys were probably fucking dorks. And I had this teacher in junior high who was just like my ideal cool adult. This was the like, I'm going to be like this guy when I grow up. And his name was Mr. Neve. And when we had some time left in class, he's like, hey, you guys want to hear a Neve story? Have I told this on the show by the way?

I don't think you've told this story. Have I talked about Mr. Neve before? Anyway, sorry. Anyway, he's like, hey, you guys want to hear a Neve story? And, you know, he'd like, you know, turn around one of the desks and sit on top of it and kick up his feet. And it tells stories mostly about his backpacking trips through Europe and all these stories about – and then I met the most beautiful German barmaid,

and she didn't speak a lick of English, but we danced until 3 a.m. And I thought this was so cool, and this guy was just like, if I can grow up and be like Mr. Neve, I will have made it. And now when I think about it, I'm like, oh, that dude was probably an asshole. There's nothing I hate more than backpacking across Europe,

stories from people, and this is all this guy told. Anyways, and he wore like Birkenstocks and sandals. Anyways. One time my calculus teacher, Mr. DeFrandeville, just... That's a great name.

I know. That is an amazing name. It's a character from the Wonder Years, isn't it? Shout out to Mr. D. Mr. DeFrandeville just, at the end of a calculus class... Like, I went to an art school, so the calculus class was, like, six people or something like that. They just, like, had to have it to, like, meet some sort of state requirement. And... What. What?

What? It wasn't going to work. Here's what I was going to say. It's like, oh, you spent your whole time multiplying penises by butts. Because our school is gay, but I thought better of it. And I'm glad that I didn't say it. Yeah. Really good thing you didn't say that.

Moving on. Who are you people? And one time he just told us this story. He was like, you know what? You guys are the math kids. You're the math whizzes. I can level with you guys. And he told us this story about one time when he and his buddies got stuck on a golf course

when the sprinklers went off at like 3 o'clock in the morning and they were puffing a ganja spleef. Nice. Direct quote. I want to be clear. I want to be absolutely clear to all of you in the house

this afternoon that I did not paraphrase it and choose the words puffing on a ganja spleef. Much less the pronunciation, puffing on a ganja spleef. That was all Mr. DeFrandeville. Martin, fave teachers?

Do you have the cool teacher growing up? I did. I had an awesome teacher. Mr. Russell. And I had a guy named Mr. Marks. I had really good math teachers, and Mr. Marks made us do a game. We all made an awesome little board game, and that really got me going on math. Sounds pretty good. Yeah, it was awesome.

Wait, board game? Like the game of life or something? This is amazing. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Awesome. And then I had a teacher, Mr. Russell, who was like just 350 pounds a happy.

And you look at him and you think, that guy is going to beat the shit out of me any second now. And then you hear him stutter because he had the most adorable stutter. And he looked like a linebacker. He actually used to play football. And he had this awesome stutter. And you just wanted to give him a big hug. And he cared so much about the kids.

He would stay after school and stuff. He was an awesome guy. Oh, we were making fun of our teachers. Yeah. I feel like a dick now. I had great teachers. I guess I probably had good teachers too. No DeFrandavilles over here. He was a nice man, I guess.

Probably ill-suited. When I was at my high school reunion, I saw one of my teachers who was kind of like the handsome teacher, like the handsome young teacher when we were in high school. And I guess he was always sort of a loose cannon and wasn't really sure what was going on with his life and stuff. But it was hard to tell because he was kind of handsome and very authoritative in class. And I saw him at the reunion and seeing him, he hadn't been a teacher for like 10 years. He had

left and done a different job. It's so strange to see your teacher transform from like this enigma that you're like trying to piece together to like... A guy eating garbage. Yeah, I'm like, you have a job. Why are you eating garbage? He said he likes it. You know, he loves it. You know what I mean? I don't know what to tell you.

Okay, well, we have one more segment to do, Jordan. Go to Frondeville. So thank you so much, Martin, for coming up here and taking the time to talk with us. The great Martin Starr. His television program, Party On, just got renewed for a second season, and it's going to be really great. Now it's going to be really sad if it cancels. Yeah, but I think it's going to happen.

Right? Is it going to happen? Yeah, it doesn't matter. No one's heard of the Starz network anyway. Yeah. It's where I watch it. The voice of reason. Martin Star. Hey guys, it's me, Jesse. Our sponsor this month on JordanJesseGo is VGKids.com.

That's VGKids.com. They're an amazing print house, a small family-owned business, and they make beautiful, beautiful stuff for artists and designers and people like you. Among them, basically anything that can be printed, including shirts and stickers and posters and packaging. And right now I'm looking at their stationery, their beautiful hand-printed business cards, screen-printed business cards, and stationery in general. I mean, I'm talking about envelopes and letterhead and all kinds of really beautiful stuff. I think it's a really great way to make an impression on someone that you want to make an impression on, like a potential love interest. Give them a beautiful business card.

Anyway, you can get 15% off from vgkids.com just by mentioning Jordan Jesse Go. So give them a call or visit their website at vgkids.com. If you want to give them a call, the number is 800-528-6343. That's 800-528-6343 or visit vgkids.com and grab that Jordan Jesse Go discount. Visit vgkids.com and grab that Jordan Jesse Go discount. Now we want to welcome another special guest to the program, somebody who's already had a little bit of stage time here at MaxFunCon and has a really kind of a prominent position in the Jordan. Is it me?

You're not really a guest. I mean, you're supposed to be here. Just because I have to beg you to come every time um somebody somebody who's our has a special star in the jordan jesse go firmament uh please welcome to this stage uh the only arbiter of important disputes that really matters judge john h Hodgman. Welcome back to the show, Judge Hodgman. Thank you very much, Jesse, Jordan.

Here's a piece of Hodgman trivia that I share with people when I meet someone who's a fan. I do name drop a little bit when I meet somebody who's a fan. Please stop doing that. Yes, sir. But I tell them, I'm like, Hodgman, you wouldn't expect this. Hodgman likes to wear his crew gifts around. Uh-huh. It's true. He's a big fan of his Daily Show jacket.

You see him a lot in the Daily Show jacket because I've heard from him it's a great jacket. It's a terrific jacket. Yeah. So if you need to be warm, go get a job on the Daily Show. Work there for a year. Make sure it's over Christmas and you'll get yourself a nice little crew gift. It's my favorite jacket and yet it causes me great anxiety when I wear it

because I do worry that people like Jordan will think that I'm out there going, yeah, that's right, I'm on The Daily Show, that's correct. And, of course, there may be a time when I'm no longer on The Daily Show because I live in perpetual fear of being fired. So I actually went looking for an exact same jacket, but without this Daily Show logo on it, but they don't make them anymore. So I wear it every day proudly.

I'm a proud member of the show. It's a pretty good show, I'd say. I'm a proud member of the show. I'd love to continue to wear this jacket for as long as I live. I feel similarly about my Balls of Fury promotional underwear. Who can blame you? There's no shame in wearing swag. No, no, no.

Of course. I can cobble together an all-swag outfit if need be. Go ahead, dare me. Dare me. I think that would be terrific. Yeah, yeah. Can you do it by the end of the day? I have to check.

I don't know what I brought, but it's entirely possible. I think a dare is in order. Yeah. This is going to be fun. I was out and about one day, and I saw on Twitter that someone said, saw John Hodgman in the park. He was wearing his, yeah, it's me jacket. Felt bad about that. I felt bad about that.

I sent out, speaking of Twitter, I sent out last week a request for people who are going to be at Max Funcon, had a dispute for Judge John Hodgman. A young lady named Catherine, if I'm remembering correctly. Okay, good. Sounds like I did. emailed me with a dispute about a particular kind of very special footwear that she was having with a gentleman friend who's also here. Catherine and the other person whose name I don't remember because I took my migraine medication. Could you come on up to the stage for us?

I heard that woo over here. Come on up somewhere. Over here. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Welcome up. Catherine, I want you to come up and sit on this chair. And other gentlemen. What's your name, other gentlemen?

I'm Joe. Okay, Joe, just stand back there sort of vaguely, threateningly. Sort of like one of those dudes on Jerry Springer with the black t-shirts. Catherine, take a seat here at the podium. Hello, Catherine. Hello, Joe. Hello, Joe. Hello. Hello.

Please don't address me directly. Catherine, tell me a little bit about the dispute that you've decided to bring before Judge John Hodgman. Well, Jesse, we have had a longstanding dispute. Thank you for including my name. Somebody has read How to Make Friends and Influence People. I also made eye contact. Thank you. So Joe and I have had a long-standing squabble

regarding which type of skate is the best skate and the most efficient skate, which is between the original traditional roller skate, quads, and the inline or roller blade skate. And this has become such a contentious issue that any time we have any argument now, we say, let's not roller skate this. So, I'm not kidding.

It's true. I'm not kidding. It's true. Well, this is sort of an opportunity for you two to solve the matter once and for all. And hopefully it'll break up your relationship. I don't know if your friends are romantic. Yeah, are you guys romance partners? Friend partners.

Friend partners. So it'll probably break up your friendship, but that's fine because at least you'll have sort of a peace of mind that comes with knowing which one is better, four-wheel roller skates or inline roller skates. I'm going to be frank. I don't remember which one is on which side. So, Jordan, do you want to – each of us is going to represent one of the aggrieved parties here. Without knowing which one is which, who would you like to represent, Catherine or Joe?

Oh, sure. Well, I feel like I'm more feminine, so I'll take the lady. Okay, that's fair. I'll be representing Joe. So, Catherine, you're bringing the complaint. Which side are you on? I am on the side of quad or traditional roller skates. Jordan, would you like to speak to your witness and draw her out a little bit on this subject? First of all, I'd just

like to point out that I am not actually a judge. I have no legal qualifications to be a judge. However, there are two things that qualify me to decide which one of you will prevail. I am very

judgmental. And I am always correct. Fair enough. Fair enough. So, Catherine. I am qualified to be a litigator because earlier today in a migraine haze I heard a little bit of a bar review lecture coming from my wife's computer. So, Catherine. Do you prefer the quads? Is there a functional argument for them, or is it just cosmetic?

Is it just rollerblades look gay? I'd also like to just point out that I've already made my decision. However, in the interest of fairness, I would like to hear both sides of the debate. We were worried about this. We could just call it... We were worried about this. We could just call it now

and make some Grodin puns. You want to do that? No, thank you. Okay. Jordan, you've got a lot of Grodin up to do. Anyways, so is your concern more than aesthetics are are quads better better skates i would say um the way that's kind of the central part of the argument which is um while the aesthetics are important um i think that their impact on overall culture is more important than the sheer

physics of whether it's a better skate. Although I would say that for anyone ages 5 to 95, a traditional quad skate is more stable because you have four wheels all on the ground in a square and you can stand still in them and not fall over. I would like to point out that some people can stand still in inline skates and not fall over. That might be your issue specifically. Counselor, counselor, counselor, your time will come. Go ahead, Jordan. Thank you. No, that was it.

Okay, great, great. Well, I want to talk to my witness. All right, brought to examine. I am going to take this opportunity to speak to Joe just to bring out his side of the case. Joe, will you please take the witness chair? Joe, tell me a little bit about where your preference in this debate grows from. Can I say one thing first? Joe, just answer the questions, please.

I object, Your Honor. No shout-outs. This isn't The Grind. This isn't MTV's The Grind. Joe, please. This isn't liquid television. Order, order. Would you say that you have one thing to say first?

Yes, I would. I will allow him to say it and enter it in the record. I am unsure if I am willing to accept the authority of Judge Judge Hodgman. Because I expected him to be wearing a suit to this performance. Judges do not wear suits. Everyone knows that. But I don't wear Daily Show jackets. Judges do not wear suits. Everyone knows that. But they don't wear daily show jackets. Judges...

If I'm not mistaken, Judge William Rehnquist wore a costume from the Pirates of Penzance. I'm pretty sure he's in safe territory when it comes to light entertainment.

I designed my own traditional costume. Okay, I'll accept. So, Joe, tell me a little bit about – thank you for getting yourself in trouble with the judge right off the bat, first of all. I already decided so. Tell me a little bit about what your preference is and why. Mostly, I've seen plenty of people using roller skates, the quad style, and I just feel that they've been led down the wrong path,

that they've been deceived, and they've bought into the myth that roller skates are more stable. What is the deception? That they're more stable. I think if you put a roller skate on the table here and a roller blade on the table, the roller skate is more stable. Joe, is it possible that your friend Catherine suffers from vertigo? This is very possible. Is it possible that your friend Catherine

is always drunk? That is possible. Is it possible that your friend Catherine lacks the basic intelligence to be bipedal? Is it possible, sir? Answer the question! It is possible. I rest my case.

Wait, no. I dismiss my witness. Whatever you want to do is cool with me. Jordan, you have an opportunity to cross-examine the witness? Yes. Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? No.

Is your preference for inline skates just based on your need for a thrill, your boredom with life and your desire to chase some high some long forgotten high I feel like it is, looking at you I feel like you've done it all here's my assumption about you you did some acid in college you've

done the bungee jumping thing you lived in a yurt for a while and now I think just the inline skate seems to be just the next rung on your ladder of getting serotonin rocketed up your ass so yeah I feel like your preference

is just... Yeah, I feel like your preference is just based on some sort of extreme lifestyle that normal people can't lead. I know I'm not asking questions. I'm just saying stuff. Get to the point, counselor.

Oh, my point is that Catherine handed me some internet printouts. Some evidence has been entered into the record. These are some pretty girls wearing regular roller skates. I'll see those, please. I'm going to need to take these into my chambers and examine these documents. Objection, Your Honor.

Schoolgirl outfits may be prejudicial to the court. We also have some photographs of roller derbyists. Yeah. Very confident young women hitting each other. And some more quad skates and a woman wearing knee socks and lingerie. All right. Your Honor, may... I would say that the evidence is gratuitous in this case.

Your Honor, may I be permitted to make my closing argument? Yes, you may. Your Honor, my client does not suggest that inline skates are a perfect form of transportation. He does not suggest that inline skates are even a commodious method of transportation or a convenient method of transportation. Or that they're attractive or appropriate outside of the context of the early 1990s. All my client is suggesting is this. Catherine's specious balance argument, the only evidence presented in support of her case

other than these frankly borderline pornographic images. For the folks at home, Jesse stuck the pictures in his jacket Like he was going to go jack off to them That's what went on there The sole basis of her argument Is superior balance And frankly We all know that she may possibly

Be drunk all the time Suffer from vertigo Or simply lack the mental capacity to stand upright. On that basis, I propose that the inline skate is the superior of two very, very, very,

very embarrassing things to wear on your feet. Jordan, do you have anything that you want to say to closing arguments? Yes. I don't think you need to say anything, by the way. I think you made a wonderful argument. Can I just say anything I want to then? Yes, please. Okay.

I don't want to suggest that there's favoritism in my court, but you're going to win. Yes. Oh, I think that Die Hard 3 is the best Die Hard. There, I said it. Die Hard with a vengeance. Anyway, that's my closing argument. Judge Hodgman, do you have a decision?

I do. I do, Jesse. I do. Here's the thing. Obviously, everyone knows that the quad skate is the cooler skate, to be sure. And honestly, I can't imagine why anyone would put themselves in the position of defending the inline skate at all. I can't imagine why anyone would put themselves in the position of defending the inline skate at all. It is obviously an embarrassing relic of a time long and well and past and rightly so. But here is the thing. A time that was more extreme but less drunk.

I'll finish my statement now. The only reason someone would argue for an inline skate was simply in order to argue. It is completely contrarian by nature. Someone with a death wish. And while you make the point that the argument of stability on the quad skate is debatable, to be sure, and Joe, you are more than willing to debate

that it is not as stable as you might think. You are not making a positive argument for the inline skate at all that I have heard so far. It is sort of like saying, you know, single white female, to use a similarly timed bit of cultural ephemera is a good movie simply because it is not a bad movie like I don't know, what's a bad movie? Die Hard 3?

Single white female. Jennifer Eight. Thank you very much, Catherine. At least it's not Jennifer Eight. Starring, who was it? Who was in that one? Andy Garcia, right? Oh, I got one. Direct-to-video Dust Till Dawn sequel.

Hangman's Daughter? I think it was a prequel. Oh, is that the prequel? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I got distracted. You know they had a Wild West Tremors direct-to-DVD? I think it was a prequel. Oh, is that the prequel? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I got distracted. I'm already... You know they had a Wild West Tremors directed DVD? There was like, what if all the characters from Tremors, their relatives in the Old West

had to fight Tremors? Jordan, this courtroom... That should have been the first Tremors. Yeah, right. This courtroom is not about what you like to watch on Netflix Instant View. So on the merits of the case, as inline skates are embarrassing relics of the past and are embarrassing and horrible to look at and to be around, I have to rule in favor of the quad skate.

On the merits of your argument, again, you give me no reason to even reconsider the inline skate, other than you want to have a fight with this nice young woman and want to disagree with her on something. Now, I'll give you one last chance. Is there some positive reason that you think the inline skate is superior? Yes, absolutely. I think, unfortunately... I think you were ill-served by your counsel on this case. I think I need the other thorn to represent me. I was not... He did not make the case well for the inline skate.

I think it is a superior form of... Objection, Your Honor. No. No, I want to see where he's going with this. Pretty great. Double objection. Jesse's dumb. Triple objection. I am a regular Perry objection. Jesse's dumb. Triple objection.

I am a regular Perry Mason. Order, order, order. Please, Joe. The inline skate is, in fact, more stable than the quad skate. Provides more support to the ankle, whereas the quad skate is notably lacking in there because it lacks maneuverability overall. whereas the quad skate is notably lacking in there because it lacks maneuverability overall. The roller skate, due to the inline nature of the wheels and the curve of the wheels, allows for more lean, so the skater... This is boring.

Objection, Your Honor! His argument contains no ad hominem attacks against his opponent. in him attacks against his opponent. So that the skater can use his or her center of gravity more advantageously than if he or she were using the quad skates. I have to say I'm impressed. And I have another thing to say, that considering the aesthetic argument that my opponent is making, which I am sad that she's resorting to that sort of tactic.

Only that side of the argument would stoop so low. Roller derby, which is her primary reason to like quad skates, it's a sport for people who hate team sports, and it's full of camp and irony, and I just don't con to that. I don't want to get into the whole roller derby debate right now because that's a nerd fight for another time. And look, I'm going to get into that debate

a little bit later on in my cabin. I think you've made a reasonable argument for the structural superiority and the sporting superiority of the inline skate. Would you accept someone wearing quad skates if they were wearing tight black bicycle shorts and a day glow tank top and a courier bag? Would that be okay? courier bag would that be okay because then you have the mix of your of your 70s into early 80s nostalgia with the uh the time of the early 90s with which you are obviously there when quad or inline skates quad skates but with a early 90s uh sporting getup i think you're you're mixing the the worst and the worst of each of each of each style of skate that's exactly what I do cut the baby in half

yeah that's how I make my rulings ultimately your honor I see this as a dispute between Lakeside's hit Roll Bounce and De La Soul's hit a roller skating jam

named Saturdays and we all know who comes out on top in that situation I still have to find in favor of quad skates because the stability argument ultimately is pointless.

If you want to be stable, don't put wheels in your feet. Thank you. Judge John Hodgman. Thank you guys so much. Um, uh, That was our live Jordan Jesse go from Max Fun Con in Lake Arrowhead, California. Our special thanks to Nick White, who was

behind the boards for that program, as well as our guests, Sean Hodgman and the great Martin Starr. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. It's available on Kites Are Fun, the best of The Free Design, which is a beautiful, beautiful record

available from Light in the Attic Records. You can visit us online at MaximumFun.org to talk about Jordan Jesse Go in the forums. Of course, we are right in the middle of our new high-five contest. I took a bunch of high-five pictures with Maximum Funsters at Lake Arrowhead where they got a bonus point for taking a high-five with a celebrity, namely me. a bonus point for taking a high five with a celebrity, namely me. If you want to call in, our number is 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN. And you can always email us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. If you're interested in sponsoring Jordan and Jesse Go, email me at jesse at MaximumFun.org.

We'll see you next week. Bye.