Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 103: Shoeverine

Episode Date: June 23, 2009

Tonight Show writer Brian Stack joins Jesse and Jordan to take calls and chat about Shoeverine, Jordan's favorite Late Night character.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maggoty, twiddle, dum, tw more discussion of the minor Conan O'Brien character,

Shoe-verine, than you will ever hear on any other podcast ever. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Very exciting guest on today's program, Jordan Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Very exciting guest on today's program, Jordan. Extremely exciting guest. To the max exciting guest, Jordan.

This is what they call a get in the biz. They would call this a get. Thank you, guys. You're too kind. We were trying to build up so that you would use that thank you guys voice that you just did. Oh, yes. It's a deep resonant tone. That's the classy act voice.

Mr. Brian Stack, welcome to the show, Brian. Thanks for having me. Brian, a writer, I was about to say, for a late night with Conan O'Brien, but maybe you've heard of a little show, Jordan, called The Tonight Show? Oh, sure. Yeah, well. You're close personal friends with the Jack Parr, then. Oh, yeah.

It's a franchise. It's been a while since I've watched TV. From the writer for The Tonight Show, Mr. Brian Stack. What a joy to have him here. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. You may have also seen his acting work on television programs like 30 Rock, and I don't know if you've acted on any other television programs.

I did a little bit part on The Office your character recurred on 30 Rock right it was such a nice surprise I thought because the first time I was on I was just sort of like a straight man in a scene that so that Tina could embarrass herself kind of thing and then it was just such a nice surprise to come back because I love the show they utilized utilized your Midwestern good looks and everyman charm. Well, thank you, sir. It was a nice surprise to come back

because I love the show and so many people involved with it. This must have been a problem for you, Brian. When you found out that Conan was going to move to the West Coast, you had to weigh the incredible opportunity of this recurring part as a guy who sort of walks into a scene from time to time on 30 rock versus your

career as a writer it must have been difficult for you to essentially give up your performer's ambitions forever yeah i would like to think i might have come back i came back basically once once a season, but I don't know if they even would have brought Howard Jorgensen back. It wasn't like Dr. Spichemin, like, you know, a hit recurring character. He was just a guy who would, like,

walk in and get blamed for something and then walk out. But I loved doing it. Okay, guys, I have a concern that's going on. I'm worried right now a little bit about evil wizards um and possibly an evil wizard doing something to me uh i'm gonna tell you why jordan i know you look you look confused i'm not a superstitious man you know what i mean i'm not concerned about withers wizards

generally good or evil this is why i'm i'm concerned a couple weeks ago in the middle of the night i do not know this but my wife reports to me that i reached over to the bedside table grabbed a box of kleenex and then gave it to my wife in bed middle of the night gave my wife a box of kleenex now i don't know what that means i don't know why the wizard would make me do that but last night my wife reported to me that in the middle of the night i woke her up because i was laughing uproariously and she said not in the way that a person who is asleep would laugh and then she looked over at me i did a little robot dance like did you make the noise while you were doing the dance

or that's kind of the quality that the dance had? No, I don't think I made the noise. I think I was maybe still laughing. Okay, but in that... Just to clarify what the noise was, those are like the robot's joints squeaking. Yeah, that was... Well, that was...

I mean, obviously the people in the audience who are listening right now can't see me doing the moves yeah you know what i mean so that symbolizes it's like a karate they are very good moves it's a robot style karate chop is how i would call the move that i was doing i have no memory of this at all and the only explanation that i can think of is evil wizards i mean I'm open to other possibilities. That would be my guess. Right, exactly.

See, Brian is a professional television writer. He knows about wizards. Oh, yeah. I'm very familiar with the mythology. Sure. Here's my thoughts. I feel like unless I hear evidence for wizard, I'm not prepared to rule out hypnosis vampire or king witch.

Okay. That's a good point. I just want to hear a good argument for you, because that's a very specific kind of magical being. I don't know. Right. And there's a lot of things that can inhabit a man's mind. Do you think there's some kind of connection between these two activities that i've undertaken uh apparently while under this spell

that's another issue that i'm that i've been struggling with like we know for example uh from uh his hit one man show sleepwalk with me that mike berbiglia had to fight some kind of hyena flying jackal um in his sleep And that seems like something that, you wouldn't immediately say flying wizard to that or evil wizard to that because you know somebody's just having a nightmare. What nightmare could prompt me to undertake those two activities,

hand my wife the box of Kleenex and do a robot dance while laughing uproariously? Well, one is thoughtful. Right. Well, that's, here's the thing. I feel like those are, there are two. One is thoughtful. Sure.

There's no doubt about that. And one is just plain masturbatory. Uh-huh. You may as well have been masturbating. If you're going to laugh at your own dance. Maybe, but what about this? Maybe. Totally selfish.

Maybe under the spell, and again, I don't remember any of this. This has just been reported to me secondhand, and I have no reason to mistrust my wife, who's a very trustworthy person. I mean, you met her, Brian. She seems trustworthy, right? Yes, she's a straight shooter. She might be trying to steal your money with these lies. Do you think it's possible that I was, in my mind, under this this wizard spell that I had seen someone who moved in the in a robot like manner and I was laughing at them and then doing a mean impression of them or possibly what if I was seeing a real robot like maybe an assembly line robot or something like that and that robot and I was I was

making fun of it because it didn't have the fluidity of movement that a human does i think we just have we need just need more information from theresa like did you have a boner okay sure that's gonna enter into it check in with theresa well i mean i'm gonna guess i probably did have a boner i mean i'm i'm this is i'm making an i'm making a leap of faith but it's a modest leap of faith i don't think it's i don't think i'm really like this is a safe bet i'd put it 85 to 15 that i had a boner at the time uh well yeah then i think you were just laughing at how funny you were is that how you get a boner, Jordan? Yeah, right?

Brian, you're a professional comedy writer. When you get a boner, it's mostly because you made a great joke, right? Oh, yeah, that's usually the source of my arousal. Yeah. By the way, Mike Birbiglia, who you mentioned, former intern at Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Wow. Yeah, many years.

My first year there, actually, like, 97. I didn't know that. Mike Birbiglia and Dimitri Martin, also a late night with Conan O'Brien, former intern, right? I know Dimitri was an intern at The Daily Show. He was a writer at our show, but he was... I thought he was an intern on both. That was my memory.

He might have been. Before I was there, Andy Blitz was an intern before I was there, like, the first season of the show. Actually, we had a few people at the office, too. John Krasinski was an intern, Mindy Kaling, Angela Kinsey, Ellie Kemper, who's the new receptionist. They were all... That's impressive.

So it's a good program. You know what I mean? Not that the internship had anything to do with their success, but... I was an intern on the... It was nice to have. Hard to ignore. On the Sarah and No Name show on Kiss FM in San Francisco. on the Sarah and No Name show on Kiss FM in San Francisco.

I was an intern at a cable access company in suburban Chicago. I like you shaking. Yeah, what do you do? What is the intern for the cable access? Does the conspiracy theory guy need a specific kind of latte every day? We were supposed to do features on local businesses. Although I did do an interview with the improv guru, Del Close. So that was the one thing that made the whole experience worthwhile when I took my first improv class. But mostly it was like I did a profile on a fish tank cleaning company.

You didn't really do a profile on a fish tank cleaning company i wish i could say i was kidding but um what was your angle i think it was literally get the fish oh it's ridiculous it was just like they would say well these people will do it it was usually like who would do it and like but dell i happen to be in a beginner's improv class and so i got to do an interview with him and that was got to study with him a little later on, but he's obviously an incredibly important guy in that field, just a brilliant guy. So I was real lucky to have that, and to have it on tape is great.

Jordan, weren't you interning for a while in the office of the guy who thought of all of those nightmare reality shows from 2001 on Fox? Yeah. Like who wants to shoot a midget or whatever? Yeah. Well, I had an internship between my junior and senior year of college at Fox, at the Fox development office, which was a really, really good experience. And I attribute the fact that I got low-level showbiz jobs out of college to the internship.

But right after I got out, I called them and I said, hey, I'm out of college, ready to work. What do you got? And they said, well, we don't really have anything full-time yet, but we kind of have this – one of our executives has kind of a think tank of young show business people. And he deals with reality shows. And you can come in and, you know, and you can come in and just pitch reality show ideas, and you have an open forum. And if they like one, they'll work with you on one and, you know, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea. You know, I a good... I have zero interest in the competition-based

reality show, but it seemed like a good way to just keep my face in the office and stuff like that. Jordan likes more narrative reality shows like A Real Housewives or something like that. Exactly.

MC Hammer is sad. I'm real excited like that. Exactly. MC Hammer is sad. I'm real excited about that. Anyways, and this... They gave that one a surprisingly descriptive name. Yeah. MC Hammer is sad. That's the name of his new show? Yeah, well, probably.

Jordan says it is. That's what I think. I'm always ready to believe. Yeah. And the poster is him. It was just him in a Transformers sleeping bag eating a hostess cupcake oh yeah um yeah and this was gosh this was right this was right on the lip of reality

shows being super sleazy i think that the one that they were question i have one more question about rappers with reality shows you may do you think that after like it you know master p on his like cribs one of his things besides having gold ceilings was that little little romeo had his own bentley but it was it was before little romeo could drive so it was like a golf cart bentley but it was like a go-kart bentley you know what i mean like a little tiny that he could ride around in. Really? Do you think that after the No Limit Empire crumbled, that Master P just had to sell his real Bentley and drive around in little Romeo's go-kart Bentley? I don't know.

Is it street legal? Well, you know, I mean, a lot of stuff that, you know, Master P, Percy Miller, he's comfortable doing some stuff that's not street legal. That's how he built his empire, if you know what I mean. I didn't know it collapsed. Yeah. That's how informed I am about the hip-hop world.

Well, no, it's just because... I have to make a lot of assumptions in that regard, too. It's just because, Brian, I understand completely. You're still, I mean, you're such a big C-Murder fan that your fandom has blinded you to the collapse of the no limit empire i did know that c murder was charged with murder which i always love that is true that was he was he got caught on video murdering someone mc larceny or just like it'd be nice if everybody could just stick to their name and just just commit crimes that are consistent with their moniker anyway sorry jordan so you were no no that's okay and it was uh and yeah this was really on the lip

of like when you know when the reality show was at its most distasteful and i guess maybe you know because of cable it's kind of swung back around again. But this was like before the, you know, you know, sluts make out with a minor celebrity, the show, shows, came on. Anyways, but yeah, this was like when Monica Lewinsky was hosting reality shows. What reality show did Monica Lewinsky host? Gosh, something where, something with plastic surgery and secret masks.

Wow, I had no idea. Yeah, yeah. Definitely, yeah. Something with plastic surgery and secret masks. To the best of my knowledge. As soon as you said secret masks, I just imagined Monica Lewinsky in a restoration period reality

show. Maybe like a Jane Austen themed reality show where it's like a comedy of manners. Or Eyes Wide Shut. People are kissing each other but they're below or above each other's station. Sure.

And a woman is masquerading as a man. Yeah, exactly. In order to publish a book of prose. So, Jordan, so it was the low point of the comedy, I mean, the reality show. Yeah, yeah. This was really when it was bad. And here is, and I didn't do this for too long i actually got my first

pa job a couple of months into this and was able to quit uh thank goodness um but while i was there the main thing being considered like here was the one that's like we're pushing this through like this is gonna be it this was priority yeah this was the one that everybody was really excited about and kind of the idea that you know all of their ideas were compared to was um childless couples compete for a supermodel's eggs oh my god honest to god i could see that pitch being a home run yeah you walk in and just pitch that oh man they just start pounding on their desk like apes as soon as they hear that uh didn't you have i remember you having a pitch for a dating like a walkie talkie dating show yeah mine the the one that i did that uh people people were just kind of generally not interested in my ideas but the one that kind of people kind of liked a little bit was a dating show where um the woman never or the man never saw the woman but she

communicated with him via two-way radio like they only talked over walkie-talkies during the dates and the other walkie-talkie was tied around the neck of a shirtless fat guy and that's how they went on the dates um and that they were kind of interested in that mainly because i took some pictures of uh of shirtless fat guys with uh walkie talkies around their necks that they thought were kind of funny um but yeah it must have been exciting to live in this world where you have really and truly have carte blanche to suggest anything. I mean, anything. Like now, 2009, a lot of ideas have been done.

Some ideas, they've actually found the boundaries of taste to some extent. But this was a Wild West. You could suggest anything. Yeah, for sure, totally. And kind of the last meeting I went to in that thing, you really could tell that Rome was burning in that they kind of had this thing like, well, you know, America is kind of on to the sleazy reality show, and, you know, they want to start doing more uplifting things. Like there's these makeover shows where, you know,

the poor family gets the new house. Extreme home makeover. Yeah, and, you know, Biggest Loser, where everybody is inspired by the losing of the weight. And, yeah, and it seems like that at least network TV now has these kind of positive reality shows where you get to root for somebody and the sleazy make-outery

has kind of resigned to cable TV. Anyways. What's nice about it is that they put, they add that uplifting element to something that is nonetheless sort of terrifyingly exploitative. Sure. They just add,

they just make sure that people, they're really providing people with cover. Right. They're not actually making an uplifting program. You just stick a Coldplay song in there at the end. Yeah. Everything's fine. That'll take care of it.

It's the Band-Aid. Showbiz, huh, gang? Yep. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's me and Jordan, and we got Brian Stack here from a little show called The Tonight Show. We'll be back in just a sec. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I should give that some thought. Yeah, when I say can, I mean you really should. If you don't, it'll like... It's going to reflect poorly.

We're not going to kick you out, but we're going to like... Talk shit about you later. Captain Mystery. We're going to spit in your food. Captain Mystery? Yeah, I think just say it with a little more confidence in you. Yeah, and you... Can we do... Well, we'll try again. Yeah, do a small again.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Brian Stack, a.k.a. Captain Mystery. I like it. I like the voice, too. What people couldn't see at home is that Brian has really striking eyebrows, and he really brought one all the way up. Just one all the way up just to signal mystery.

The old Belushi eyebrow raise. It's the one thing I learned from him. I never met him. During my years with Belushi eyebrow raise. It's the one thing I learned from him. I never met him. During my years with Belushi. Yeah, yeah. I wish I met him. I learned two things. How to cut up a line.

Yeah. And how to strike an eyebrow pose. Yeah, and to be Albanian. So three things. The three things. How to be Albanian. That's awesome. I'm so excited to have you here, Brian. I'm so excited to have you here in the great city of Los Angeles, which is, how long did you live in New York before you lived in Los Angeles? You're a Chicago,

you're a Chicago comedy guy. Yeah, I grew up in Chicago. I lived in New York for 12 years, 97 until two months ago. Did you ever imagine yourself living in Los Angeles when you were living in New York? You know, I always knew it was a possibility down the line someplace because... Because that's how show business works. Right, yeah. And like so almost everyone I work with in Chicago lives here now. It really is like Chicago West. And so many of our friends had made the move that I knew was uh you know a real possibility at some point

and it always seemed very alien but i like it here a lot more than i thought i would and uh did you know okay let me ask you this question did you know when because it was such a long period of time that uh that we knew that cone o'brien was going to move from uh move to the tonight show like it was like like two years or something like that, right? Did you know during that time that when Conan moved to Los Angeles that you would also move to Los Angeles? At what point did you know you had a job in the future? You know, it was funny because we all were kind of operating under this assumption

that, hey, we've been getting along for about over 10 years now, and hopefully this will continue. But I think I was always afraid to count on it until Jeff Ross, the producer, said, oh, you're going. But I didn't take that for granted. You picked up a trade in between. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, sheet metal work. I always remember Roger Daltrey saying that's what he did before the Who, so it's stuck in my brain.

Sheet metal worker. Yeah. But, yeah, it's been – but I feel very lucky to have been able to make the move. And one of the nice surprises, too, is most of our staff, our office staff, came, too. And I was afraid that maybe they wouldn't be able to, that they would just take the writers or just the producers. And so it was great because on a day-to-day basis, we interact with so many great people there,

from the photo researchers to just the general office staff and the script supervisors. And I think if those people hadn't made the move, it would have been a real drag. So I'm so glad that most of them did. Okay, so the big question when this move was happening was how is it going to be different? And I wonder how was that reflected

how was that conflict or uh uh change reflected in the writer's room like when like how did you guys decide what was different about the show as as the tonight show and not as the kind of weird late night show that uh always talked about what a failure it was. Right. Well, you know, we've kind of been discovering it as we go. And I've been pleasantly surprised that the feel of the writer's room and the way we are approaching things feels very similar to, at least to how it did in the last year and a half to two years at late night, which I felt like there was a bit of a transition towards the end

at late night away from uh a lot of the more stuff that involved a lot of casting and sketches and and i i miss that you know to a large extent but i also uh i understand that um especially when we were starting the tonight show that you have to kind of establish Conan in remotes and stuff. And he's often at his funniest doing that stuff. So I completely understand why that happened. But I do say I miss a lot of the... We used to have actors lying down the hall for staring contests. There'd be a Civil War guy, and then there'd be Jesus,

and then a knight in shining armor. I kind of miss a lot of that stuff. But we still do some of it, and it's still a great place to work. I've been pleasantly surprised to see some pretty silly stuff getting back into the show. If you write something, do you cast it? Yeah. One thing that Conan and Robert Smigel brought over from their days at snl was that and something that i think lauren michael set up many years ago is that if you're the writer

at snl or at conan you're kind of in charge of the piece in terms of casting ordering things from wardrobe calling graphics telling them what you have in mind and uh those departments always have great ideas of their own you know to to supplement what you're asking for and they oftentimes go above and beyond what you ask for but um but yeah you're kind of in charge of the piece so it lives or dies do you kind of have your head yeah do you have like your go-to werewolf oh like for yeah like yeah oh yeah that was that was one of the nice things especially when i first got to new y, like with people like the UCB, people who were there like Amy and Matt Besser and Ian Roberts, they were almost like a repertory company where you call people in, or Jack McBrayer, you know, a lot of these people that you kind of knew you could just count on and bring in for a wide variety of parts. But there were certain people that you'd call in for one specific thing.

Like, we need the guy who played the Hulk for us. We only knew one hugely muscular guy. Or you'd call in one guy who always would play your cop or whatever. Did the same guy play Shoe-verine every single time? Shoe-verine being Wolverine, but with loafers on his hands. I'm proud to say that is Andrew Weinberg, one of our writers. Oh, okay. I tossed in the idea of shoo-verine almost as an intentionally bad idea,

and it was almost cut the first time we did it because it was so ridiculously stupid. It was almost too stupid for us. It's barely a joke at all. Yeah, it is. Exactly. I was almost reluctant to even propose it. But Andrew kills me, especially when they curl his hair up. He's got a good thick head of hair, and they just curl it up on the side. I think about chouvering basically once a day.

Oh, God bless you. And just enjoy myself if I'm having a tough day. Yeah, those are a lot of times my favorite things we ever did on the show were things that we were almost reluctant to pitch. Or like Brian McCandu in the FedEx Pope, which was literally something that you could never think of sitting at your computer. He was just sitting in the office, and he put a FedEx box on his head, and he started blessing us.

I love putting FedEx boxes on his head and he started blessing us. I love putting FedEx boxes on my head. Oh yeah, and that actually grew out of VHS Corporal, which was, he would put a VHS box on his head

and it looked like a corporal's cap. So those are my favorite things, just things that are too ridiculous to think of at your computer, you know. I have two questions. One is,

I haven't watched too much of the new show uh are you getting to appear on stage because i know you had a few popular characters uh in the late night version but are you uh are you getting to we did that performance we're not the ones who gave you the popular characters you wrote them and probably conan o'brien or whatever decided that they were good enough so there's no need to thank us oh well thanks anyway okay yeah uh some of the characters i did were um characters that i kind of co-created with other people or someone else might like the traveling salesman andrew weinberg originally said how about we have stack play a salesman that sells terrible jokes and when i worked on it with andrew and michael kohman it evolved into him selling all kinds of things you'd never want. I've done a couple things on camera,

I haven't done any of the older current characters. I'm hoping we can maybe bring some back. I know Conan is definitely interested in having the Interrupter come back, possibly. Some of the other ones, I'm not so sure if they'll fit in, like the Ghost Cooner, things like that. Ghost Cooner's pretty weird.

I don't know if it'll fit in. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that that's not weird. Yeah, and also, he was supposedly a ghost who haunted 30 Rock, so we'll have to figure out why he was haunting this new studio. Why he's haunting Universal Studios. Maybe he died on the tram or something. He got eaten by Jaws, probably. Presumably. Well, he did have him get murdered in various different ways.

He always had been murdered, for his opinions, but the method of that murder would change. Beheaded by the League of Women Voters or whatever. I've done a couple things, but I know I'm hoping that we'll be able to do some more character stuff. I played a guy who was the head of the North Dakota budget surplus last week. Jose Arroyo, one of our writers, found out that North Dakota is one of the few states that has a budget surplus, and we did a bit on that they're actually luring visitors

they're murdering them and taking their money he's like why don't you come visit why don't you come check out the budget surplus bring your money and is that a north dakota voice it's completely unfair it's a vaguely american indian i know it I think it was a mix of Fargo and ignorance. It's completely unfair. We should do research. Someone wrote in and was just like, that bears no resemblance to my experience as a North Dakota person. That's how they really talk.

That is how they talk. I've been to North Dakota. They speak with an English accent. And the letter was very shaky because it was written on the back of a polo horse. Exactly. So it was a little jittery. That's the Fargo lifestyle. My other question is, is the food better?

Is the green room snacks and the lunches, is that better now that you're in Los Angeles? Oh, that's a good question. I think it's pretty much the same, I think. But I've got to say, sometimes we'll get dinner ordered in and there there are a lot of great restaurants around here like i think new york always gets credit for that more than any other city but it's uh yeah they've been ordering some some great stuff you probably get to hang out with andy richter more so that's probably pretty cool it's really great having andy back you know in addition to just having him there as the announcer but i do miss joel a lot though i i love joel um

and i wish you know he'd been able to make the move with us but uh but it on the other hand it's great having andy back uh in addition to being the announcer and doing a great job he's always got so many great ideas for is it wrong this is an open question to both of you is it wrong that i like andy richter even better than Conan O'Brien? I mean, I'm a Conan O'Brien fan. I don't want anybody to think that I'm not a Conan O'Brien fan because he's a genius of funniness. I admire him tremendously. I don't think there's anyone who's funnier in the casual conversation of an interview.

I think it's truly spectacular and amazing. But man, I just really love Andy Richter. I'm pretty sure I definitely like him better. the casual conversation of an interview i think it's truly spectacular and amazing but man i just really love andy richter i i pretty sure i definitely like him better than conan o'brien he's a terrific writer too in addition to his performance like i think he was hired as a writer originally at late night and he was a chicago improv guy and he was always really hilarious and really smart and um so it's great having him back just for tossing ideas around, you know. I like how he stands behind that podium. I watch a few episodes of the show so far on your Hulu.com.

I got to admit, I'm not one of these young people that stays up until 11 o'clock at night to watch this on live television. Yeah, I can't do that anymore either. My kids get me up around 6. I don't know how anybody other than college students and prisoners can. Well, Larry Sanders does it every night. Oh, yeah. Watches the whole show. So there's Larry Sanders.

He's standing behind a podium. It reminds me, actually, speaking of Larry Sanders, because I've been re-watching Larry Sanders lately, I now find that my intense love of Larry Sanders' sidekick and announcer, hey now, Hank Kingsley, as portrayed by Jeffrey Tambor, has gotten mixed up with my love of Andy Richter because just from a couple times seeing Andy Richter announcing things from behind a podium,

just like how Hank announces things from behind the microphone, now I'm all confused. I'm all hibbledy-jibbledy. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I think they're basically the same man. Well, you'll be even more confused because Jeffrey Tambor just shot a bit for us that I don't believe has aired yet. No. But it was great.

Yeah, he came in and did it for us. That Jeffrey Tambor is great. Oh, he is. I met Jeffrey Tambor. That was amazing. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. He told me, I asked him about Hey Now Hank Kingsley, right?

And definitely my favorite television character ever is Hank Kingsley from the Larry Sanders show. I know a lot of folks out there probably haven't seen the Larry Sanders show. A former cruise director played by Jeffrey Tambor, who is just really just completely sycophantic on the television show and just a kind of desperate, sad man off off camera. Just completely desperate, just always doing these sad television commercials and always hanging out and trying to build his own theme restaurant where it rotates, but there's no windows. Hank's look around cafe. Yeah, you got it.

You got it. So there's really, really pathetic character just could not be more pathetic, but I, I sincerely love this character. And, um, I asked, I asked,

uh, Jeffrey Tambor about it just as with absolute commitment. He said, I didn't, I didn't think he was just with absolute commitment, he said, I didn't think he was pathetic. Like, I just put myself in that position and I thought he made perfectly reasonable, like, he just went for it. He just, all the way,

that's why Hank is so great. Yeah. There was not even 3% condescension in Jeffrey Tambor's regard of Hey Now, Hank Kingsley. Yeah, I think that's the only time. The most brilliant characters, I think the actors playing them pass no judgment on them and just play them as human beings. And yeah, that's a great example.

And I can feel that you feel that way about Andy Richter, too. As pathetic as Andy Richter is. You think he's pathetic? No, I don't think he's pathetic. I don't think he's pathetic. He's the great Andy Richter is. You think he's pathetic? No, I don't think he's pathetic. I don't think he's... He's the great Andy Richter. I know you feel this way about Ghost Crooner. Oh, yeah.

I wish I could say I didn't pass judgment on him. No, you don't wish that. He says horrible things in every sketch. You want to pass judgment on the Ghost Crooner. Exactly. I think that's why I always have him get murdered. You would be a pretty amazing, you would be some Sean Penn level shit

if you were able to get into the character of Ghost Crooner without any judgment at all. Yeah, that's true. This is a character completely predicated on saying something horrible, unspeakably horrible. Right, with a Bing Crosby kind of twinkle in his eye. Well, that's just how I feel about the minorities. Yeah, he's just inexcusable.

Do you like the Los Angeles lifestyle, Brian? I've actually been enjoying it. Like I said, there's so many people here uh that we've known from chicago that have formed kind of a community out here and there's ucb here and uh io west and all these and you love the beach yeah i actually i i love the beach i can handle it when it's not super sunny like i i don't think there's anything nicer than going out to like santa monica and like Monica in the morning or something. It is really beautiful.

I miss New York in a lot of ways, and I love Chicago, but I actually feel like I know more people from Chicago that live here now than in Chicago. Everybody we know and work with is out here, it seems like. We talked a little bit off mic about this, but you're getting a pool. Very California. Well, we talked a little bit off mic about this, but you're getting a pool. Very California. Oh, well, we got a little tiny pool. It was one way we could lure my daughters. I've got little daughters now,

and I think they're a little worried about the move. So my wife was like, if we get a little pool, I think it'll help. Are you going to get a convertible? That would be wasted on me. I can't take the sun. You're probably going to need a convertible. Don't you think you should get a convertible? That would be wasted on me. I can't take the sun. You're probably going to need a convertible. I mean, don't you think you should get a convertible?

I can't handle the sun. Any Hawaiian shirts? Do you have any Hawaiian shirts? That would be another thing that will never fit on me. How about any drapey Armani casual clothing? Like black silk t-shirts. I think you've named everything that will never be on me. No judgment against him.

What about a live scorpion? Oh, yeah, there you go. Just crawling around on your face. Oh, that'll certainly be on him. No doubt about that. A man who would be king. One of my favorite movies. A scorpion.

Just one of them scorpions. You know what I think you should do? Just chop the top off your current car. I don't know what, I'm going to be honest, I don't know what kind of car you drive. We have a Toyota Highlander and a Toyota Corolla. Okay, so I'd take the Highlander. Yeah. Certainly.

That's a mid-size, full-size sport utility vehicle. Just chop it off. Well, you're going to want to put a rag top on there. Yeah, we'll give it a shot. Or what about one of those, what's that called? Brougham top where it's like a canvas, you know? Isn't that what that's called? Like a canvas on a 1986 town car, maybe?

God, you're asking the wrong guy. Yeah, don't know what you're talking about. You know what I'm talking about. If you continue to describe it, it won't, it's not going to help. I guarantee a more vivid description is not what we're looking for. It's like a canvas material or like a vinyl with a porthole window on the side. Blah, blah, blah. That's all I hear.

Blah, blah, blah. Imagine a hard top, but then you cover it in a fabric. What was that, Jesse? Gibberish? Gibberish nonsense? Yeah. You sort of... I apologize, Brian.

Jordan and I are really having a lot of problems. We're thinking about getting a divorce. Oh, really? An internet divorce. Yeah, I hope that you a lot of problems. We're thinking about getting a divorce. An internet divorce. I hope that you don't have kids, do you? Well, in some ways I think of our shows as our babies. Our listeners. We're going to divide them up.

I'm going to go to my podcast and whoever's loyal, sure as shit better come with me and not Jesse. Choose sides now, audience. If any of you sides now audience if any of you fuckers goes with jordan say goodbye to the baseball season tickets i was gonna buy for you oh shit they don't like baseball we're talking about podcast listeners they hate baseball yeah if you come with my show then i'll come to your rally to legalize ferrets because that's what you're into jordan if you listen to

jordan's show you'll finally have someone to play herzog's vie with you yep what is herzog's vie by the way well i don't know why i don't see why this has to come up so much herzog's vie is a game for the sega genesis because you're obsessed with herzog spy that's why it's a it it is a real-time strategy game a good uh uh a good you know a good parallel might be a command and conquer or a world of warcraft it's a very kind of it's a very simple real-time strategy game but kind of the really fun element is that you uh control a character within the army which and usually in those games you're kind of a you know you're a god or a general yeah controlling things with a cursor but in this you get to actually be a character and help out during some of the fighting

which is very fun and uh yeah there's never been an update never been a sequel uh it's not downloadable as far as i know well my listeners classic video game i'll show you how to tie a bow tie because i know how to tie a bow tie i need to learn how to do that you don't know how to tie a bow tie embarrassed to say it seems like that would be a that would be one of the top things you would know how to do for your character acting career i know like our wardrobe guy would always tie that bow tie on me for bears to say i wouldn't know how to do that i can't imagine being able to tie a bow tie backwards that's him did he stand behind you and reach in front of you or did he good bruce brumage he's he's oh bruce sure you know one of the best double

b he's a legend a real class act he would tie my ass got for the that fantastic guy character too i'm i'm helpless without him speaking of one of the best guess who works on the tonight show now our friend jimmy pardo from never not funny yes good man i just met him when he started i had never met him before get to hang out with jimmy pardo now that's fun yeah that's what i call fun we got to hang out with jimmy pardo a little bit this past weekend at max fun con that's a good time oh yeah he's a great guy i never never knew him before class act warming up that audience making it asking people he's a great guy i never never knew him before class act warming up that audience making a asking people to wear a hard shoe i don't know pant i don't know how

anyone does that like that must i that's a job i could never do he's a master used to do it and mike swinney our head writer used to do it in new york and i oh they used to make fun of me in chicago if i had to go out and stall and talk to the crowd. I couldn't do it. So I have the highest respect for that. We're having fun, huh, Jordan? We got Brian Stack here. We got Jordan Morris here. Of course, the great Jesse Thorne is here. Coco's running around somewhere. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Very excited about this sponsor we have this month, vgkids.com.

I like to imagine that it stands for very good kids. That's one theory. Are there other theories? Do you have a theory? Maybe somebody's initials. VG? Yeah. But then who are the kids?

Hey, I don't know. I think it's a statement about the quality of kids overall. Brian's with me. He's nodding. Yeah, I think that would be my theory. Right, exactly. Thank you, Brian. Thank's with me. He's nodding. Yeah, I think that would be my theory. Right, exactly. Thank you, Brian. Thank you very much. I'm just saying I'm open to

I don't know. I just don't want to be closed-minded about this. Jordan, I'm sick and tired of your emotional blackmail. Alright. I'm sick and tired of this. I'm just saying, this is the same man. Why do you always treat me this way, Jordan? This is the same man who just assumes it's evil wizards controlling him in the night and hasn't even

looked into the fact that it might be hypnosis Dracula. I don't know what a hypnosis Dracula uses for its hypnosis, but I'm going to assume that it uses one of those red spirally things on the end of a pencil or something and twirls it. You are getting sleepy.

You got it. You got it. Brian knows what I'm talking about. And that's what puts you to sleep. But you know You are getting sleepy. But it helps you quit smoking. With power of suggestion. Hypnosis Dracula doesn't hypnotize people so he can suck their blood. He sucks their

blood normally, but on the side he does work as a hypnotist. Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, I will help you get over your fear of flying.

Nicotine is a monkey on your back. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. You must. Now for my fee. Some blood.

Yes. I am surprisingly helpful. Hypnosis Dracula. Hypnosis Dracula, you know where he gets those cards printed up? VGKids.com, Jordan. Yeah. Because they'll print anything. Anything you can screen print from your T-shirts, of course. I mean, T-shirts are a central screen printing thing, and stickers are sort of the classics.

That's the classics. But they'll screen print business cards for you. They'll screen print stationery for you. If you need stationery that's going to impress the shit out of people, I'd say try screen printing it. If you're artsy, if you're in some kind of artsy business. And not only that, there's a discount. i'm remembering correctly it's 10 if uh all you have to do is mention jordan jesse go on that vgkids.com they're sponsoring us all month jordan i'm look i'm not going to tell people that they're a fucking idiot if they don't use vg kids for all their printing needs but that would be

cruel that would be that would be unnecessary accurate. It's self-evident. In my opinion, I don't need to say it because it's self-evident. There's a discount on the table. These people do beautiful work. They'll print any goddamn thing from a business card to a Dracula hypnotizer. Okay? You know what I mean? Like, that's just the facts, Jordan.

That's just the facts. VGKids.com, our sponsor this month i'm jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio suite i'm jordan morris boy detective and brian stack uh captain mystery god damn it, Brian. Fuck! Sorry, I forgot my nickname. There's a little something called a presentation. Brian, look. You're a successful character actor. You're an acclaimed improviser.

You're a tremendous writer who has to pitch his ideas in the room. Imagine that I'm not some asshole public radio slash podcast host and Jordan isn't some asshole field correspondent for Fuel TV slash public radio host slash guy in an upcoming Sandra Bullock movie. You guys hate yourselves. Imagine that sitting before you right now are Mr. Conan O'Brien. Jordan, I'm going to let you be Conan O'Brien because I'm going to be Andy Richter. Now, your job is maybe shoeverine okay you're you're shoeverine yes

it's fine um now you have to pitch to us this nickname and say it with all the commitment that you would say it when you were pitching that idea to andy richter and chouverine in in the real room i would be even more awkward and stammering um no i'll do it with i'll do it with that show of shows kind of confidence yeah yes all right here it is brian stick captain mystery what do you think oh Oh, fantastic. I love it. Stop the presses. And Mel Brooks kind of charisma. I call, I'm the Russian one from your show of shows. What's that guy called? Mel something or other?

Oh, God, I don't remember. He's a Russian guy. Jordan, you want to be Mel Brooks? You could be Mel Brooks. No, Shoe-verine. Have you ever watched... That's all I want to be. Have you ever watched that PBS special about your show of shows where it's hosted it's like hosted by billy crystal yeah only once i don't remember the only thing i really remember from that besides that i like the russian guy the best um was this part where they were

talking about how mel brooks would always be late and fall asleep during meetings and stuff and how um and how they he would always like dig himself out of a hole by like doing a routine for the rest of the writers i believe it and one was he had he had put all this tape on his face like uh scotch tape all over his face and carl reiner who was always his straight man had been like sir what what what happened to you what what's going on here? And Mel Brooks goes like, the Nazis! The Nazis did this horrible thing to me! And Carl Reiner goes, the Nazis mutilated you and threw you here in this ditch? And Mel Brooks goes, no! They covered

my face with tape! That's all I remember from that show. We's a good one. We got telephone calls here from people, young people around the world. Listen, I'm just going to explain this to Brian.

Young people around the world love to listen to our program. They get inspired by the different things we're talking about and they're motivated to call in and share their life stories

and experience. And it's all, the whole thing is, we're just giving people alternatives to drugs and the street culture. God bless you. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Okay, let's take a telephone call. I'm going to be honest with you.

I made a track listing for this CD, and then I accidentally deleted it. So I don't know what the fuck is coming. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Eric in North Carolina. I've been thinking about your drifter problem, or grifter problem, actually, and I really think the best solution is to invite him on the show. If you're worried about getting shivved, you can invite another special guest or two, like perhaps the Sklar brothers. I'd love to hear, would you rather with a grifter?

And I think having Juanita on the program as well could really get to the heart of the problem. And I think that's the best thing to do. I hope this helps. Number one, that does not help. There's a problem going on in my life right now, which is there's this grifter, this short con man who's both literally physically short and running a short con, who has approached both Teresa and myself in an effort to try and grift from us.

Small amounts of money, $20, $40. Repeatedly? Both separately, both of us separately. And recently he moved into our apartment building. Really? Yeah, he apparently was living with a couple of other dudes who live here. We don't know what's going on. We kept seeing him in the lobby.

Now, this is evidence of the fact that my life outside of these walls is falling apart. Okay? Completely falling apart. And I don't think... Number one, this guy seems to think that it would be safe if the Sklar brothers were here. Now, the Sklar brothers are sports talk radio hosts, but these are not athletic men. They're fit. And they're quite funny.

Yeah. Certainly. They're talented comics. But they're not, if he had said, invite Lou Ferrigno on the show with you if you're concerned then maybe I would be because Lou Ferrigno he's a strong man you know incredible Hulk but this guy

is trying to tell me that all I have to do is invite the Sklar brothers here and that'll solve my problem I think he just wants the Sklar brothers to come on the show and is willing to sacrifice your life to see that happen it would be a better show if the Sklar Brothers to come on the show and is willing to sacrifice your life to see that happen. It would be a better show if the Sklar Brothers were the hosts of the show.

That would be a really good show. It would be a good show. Man, I can't wait to listen to that. I mean, if you've heard the Sklar Brothers sometimes when they're hosting like the Jim Rome show, it's better than when Jim Rome is hosting, certainly. Although that's a low standard. I don't know that I appreciate the assumption that because this guy is grifting, he's carrying a knife. I feel like that was just a leap that was made.

Of course he is. I feel like that's a stereotype against grifters. Yeah, I didn't see any shivs in the movie, the grifters. He is. Look, this guy and I understand each other. He knows that I'm a homosexual gentleman like him. A gay gentleman, excuse me, I believe were his exact words. I know that he's carrying a knife. Okay, that's just basic shit. Well,

we know homosexuals carry knives. That's, I mean, that's well documented. He's not a stereotype. When I spoke with him, he self-identified as a gay gentleman like myself. Those are exact direct quote. Gay gentleman like yourself. And what did he say to Teresa? Gay gentleman like yourself. I think it's just his standard patter. He doesn't look like a gentleman? It's just patter

that he's got, you know. I think he was saying it to a garbage can outside. Yeah, exactly. You know, something terrible happened to me again this week. A new terrible thing.

I'm walking down the street, walking my dog in the middle of the afternoon. Four women having a fucking knock-down, drag-out fight on the sidewalk. Wow. Swinging each other around by the hair and everything. What?

That's cool. No, it was terrible. That's great. It was terrible. People pay good money to see that. This was terrible. No, trust me, Jordan. Terrible.

Yeah, I know. Real awful. No, no, no. It was terrible. No, it no it was scary no it was upsetting jordan i was upset i had i did i i was there with my dog like i went up like come on come on you know because they're sort of like they're in that kind of phase where they're like locked together just slapping and hitting each other and one girl has the other girl by her hair and that kind of thing and so i'm like come on don't don't do this you know like what the fuck like it's the middle of the afternoon you're standing on the

sidewalk just just walk away just wait till the fight now or you don't do it in the middle of the afternoon it's dusk it's four it's two pairs of women fighting so i don't feel like i can i could intervene like i i'm trying to like talk these people down and i got my dog standing right next to me so i'm like i'm staying there because you're like it's upsetting and i have to like well i'm not gonna just walk past it so i'm like okay you guys just just just let go just like step over like just walk away just walk away you know just that kind of way that you you know try and talk to drunk people you just say the same thing over and over you know what i mean and hope it works and they're like no and then this like uh this

kind of cholo dude walks up to me he's like dude you don't need to get involved in this and i'm like i don't know what i'm not trying to get involved i just don't want people having a fight in the middle of a weekday afternoon that aren't even drunk they're just fighting trying to hurt each other and so i go into this uh corner right there. There's a corner store right there. It's like a dollar store type of situation. I go in, I'm like, you know, can I use the phone? There's some people having like a really serious fight outside. I just want to call the cops. And the guy's like, what? And I'm like, there's a fight going on outside. I want to use your phone so I can call the police because there's a serious fight going on.

Like not a joke laughing like one punch fight, like a fight where people might really get hurt. And he wouldn't let me use his phone to do it. Would not let me call the cops. Didn't want to get involved, right? Didn't want to get involved. It. Didn't want to get involved. It's falling apart, Jordan. You've got to buy something. You've got to buy something at the dollar store if you want to use the phone.

Oh, that was my mistake. I should have bought one of those little personal fans. I love those. Or some more finger puppets. Oh, adds to these finger puppets I already got. Yeah, they're very, very impressive finger puppets. Or a VHS copy of some Yu-Gi-Oh! cartoons. And there are some weird... Very popular dollar store item.

The dollar store by my house has some of the strangest video cassettes on sale. And I think maybe the only stranger thing is the DVDs. Dollar store by my house has the collector's edition of Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs. But it's like a box, a special box, like a metal box with shot glasses for each of the Mr. White, Mr. Pink, each of those characters from Reservoir Dogs for 99 cents. But you pick it up and you look at it and you're like, something is off about this box set. There's a beautiful packaging, beautiful shot glass, and you realize the movie in it is not Reservoir Dogs. The movie in it is

a documentary about, it's like one of those kind of like bootleg documentaries about the history of Death Row Records. Like, who packages this? Did they have an overrun on one part of the box set? Like, they accidentally made too many sets of shot glass presentation kits and metal tin storage boxes. And they're like, oh shit, we have this whole DVD size. Do we have any other DVDs that seem appropriate to put in there? I don't know, how about this fucking Death Row documentary?

I bought a Clash CD once that had Billyy joel's the nylon curtain in it i was like how this i guess they're both on the same record company was it new was it like yeah oh my goodness wow oh my gracious and uh yeah that that was the weirdest it makes me want to buy there's all these some of the later clash work was kind of stylistically similar yeah very allentown you know i kind of want to know what i would get if i bought like uh king griffey jr teaches you how to play baseball vhs cassette like what's in there who knows filthy porno yeah it's a good reason it's worth a dollar right just roll the dice see what happens yeah i mean for 99 cents the shot glass and the death row documentary sounds like a pretty good deal. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's four shot is a set of shot glasses.

I mean, that's pretty good, right? Okay, next call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. This is Jake from Chicago. I'm responding to the action item where you ask people to call in while they were doing an extreme sport. So I'm currently biking to work.

Sorry, it's a little windy on the microphone. And it's not super extreme. It's like seven miles from my home that I work, and I've been trying to bike to work every day this year. But last night it did rain on my way home, so I felt pretty hardcore getting drenched, but still riding my bike. All right, thanks. Love the show. Bye.

Number one, I can't say this with absolute confidence. I'm not on JJGo.org typing in search terms, but I'm pretty sure that was never an action item. Calling during an extreme sport. I don't remember that either. Calling during an extreme sport. Even if it was an action item item it was a long time ago even and if even if it was a real action item i think we can all agree that it was a somewhat

ill-advised action item if if i declared that to be an action which is conceivable it was a bad call on my part right like i'm willing to take the blame for this. If it did happen, it was probably a lousy idea. Because, wait, this is just a man who's just kind of out of breath. But it made me nostalgic for riding my bike in Chicago. So that's a good thing. It made you extremely wistful. Yes, it did. So it wasn't extreme, but it was.

That's sort of the secondary issue here. Number one, riding a bike is not an extreme sport. Maybe you could make an argument for mountain biking. You could make an argument for that kind of biking that you do on a ski slope.

Down a ski slope where you ride the lift up and then you ride down on your bike. I think there's a reasonable argument to be made for that as an extreme sport. That kind of thing where you get dumped out of a helicopter and then ride down a mountain or something, that's probably an extreme sport. Maybe if you're riding through spikes or fire or doing jumps or wheelies or vert grinds, that's probably an extreme sport. Probably if I was going to make a list of extreme sports, bicycle ones would be towards the bottom. And if I made a sub list from extreme to less extreme, probably biking to work, would be towards the bottom of that list.

Maybe he passes through Latin King territory or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. So maybe somewhere along the way there are pockets of extremity. Possibly MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang. Yes, yes. Just learned about them. Yeah, yeah.

We would need to know more about the route, is I think what you're saying. Yeah, I think it could get extreme in places. Yeah, yeah. We would need to know more about the root, is I think what you're saying. Yeah, I think it could get extreme in places. I'm going to say... Yeah, you never know. I'm going to suggest there's a slight alteration to that theory, which is that we don't need to know any more about this. We just need to call the guy a jerk and move on.

Thanks. He's not a jerk. He's probably a nice man. Sounds like a good man to me. Doesn't he sound like a nice guy? He's biking to work. He's got a commitment to himself to bike to work. I'm not saying he's a bad person.

No. I'm saying it's a bad call. That's what I'm saying. But thanks for the nostalgia trip. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Alex from Michigan. I just wanted to call and let you guys know, momentous occasion. I just got my heart broken for the first time i feel

pretty shitty about it frankly but you know i'm going to uh i'm going to deal with it and i i've really narrowed it down between one two ways either i'm going to wallow in self-pity or uh have myself a nice one night stand so uh you know your thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks, guys. Maybe it was one of those situations where there was always that gal or fella just kind of waiting for him to break up. And then he thinks he can kind of just pounce. Talking about Brian Stack? Brian Stack. Brian Stack has been waiting. Always been ready to pounce.

On Alex from Michigan. I think that was the guy's name. Man, that's good stuff, too, when Brian Stack comes to town. Yeah, comes to knocking. When you have a fleeting encounter with me... It changes your life. It changes the trajectory of your life. There's a level of emptiness that most one-night stands can't produce.

Right. Did you know that Einstein was a patent clerk before he slept with Brian Stack? And then he invented the theory of relativity. I didn't even know that. Yeah. You forgot. So many physicists. You had forgotten.

So many patent clerks. Looking back over the years, so many, yeah. If I had a nickel for every patent clerk I had a meaningless encounter with. It would be, you'd be a rich man. Yes, exactly. It would be hard for you to find a bank willing to exchange all those fucking nickels. That's true. You'd be called

Nickel Brian. Many of them Buffalo nickels. Mm-hmm. I think that's accurate for the time period that... Anyway.

You know, I... If it's not accurate, then I'm out. I'm out of here. I want to be clear. I was on board for this whole run about you being

a patent clerk fucking weirdo. Genius maker. That gets a nickel every time he does something. But if we were not talking about the correct stampings on the sides of the nickels, then I'm done with this bullshit. Yep. Until then, it was a completely devoid of falsehood.

What were you about to say, Jordan? I'm sorry. Oh, you know, I was going to maybe take a stab at some legit advice. Okay. Now, this might... I've never... I want to be clear here. I'm recusing myself on the basis of the fact that I've broken up with, like, three girls

in my entire life, and it was all ten years ago. It was all pre-college. Yeah, exactly. So, go ahead, Jordan. Yeah, you know, I... This might... And this might even seem a little against character for me. But I'm going to suggest no fucking. I'm going to suggest the non-fuck option in this situation. Usually you would suggest a fuckfest.

Yeah, usually I would say there's nothing a good fuckfest can't cure. But, you know, I feel like... Usually I would say there's nothing a good fuckfest can't cure. That's how I beat pneumonia last year, by the way, upon your recommendation, a fuckfest. Yeah, there you go. What did they say? Feed a fever, fuckfest a cold? Yeah. That's the old wives tale, isn't it? That's what my grandma always said.

Yeah. Before she got hauled off to the mental institution. I found it to be a surprisingly effective expectorant um you know and i it was good advice too that we i had a mentholated fuck fest yeah right yeah a lot of humidifiers in the room yeah um you know i i you know i think that a a sounds like you know that the first the first time you ever you ever get dumped is just so tough and and i will i i feel like i will attest to the fact that each progressive dumping gets uh gets easier until you know hopefully you get to a point where you can you know feel a little shitty and just accept the fact that like you know some relationships just don't work for whatever reason and you know you'll both be happier in the long run um do you have a problem because your your dong is too big yeah right

exactly yeah that's what you just say to yourself you can't handle your massive junk um and you know i i feel like you know there's this kind of uh there's this kind of you know ideal very dan savagey one night stand where you can just be you know kind of a hip modern person and and and realize that sex is just kind of that that can be emotional but it can also just be a fun thing that is fun but uh you know i i feel like there's always there's always there's always you know no matter how cool and down every you know everybody seems there's always like a little bit of emotion in that one night stand situation there's always just a little there's always just this little pocket of emotion and i feel like

now when you are feeling like like you know, turbo shit, you're, you know, that little emotional pocket probably won't do anybody any good. So I would suggest a creative project. Oh, like what? I don't know. Maybe just... Decoupage? Yeah, decoupage.

Learn to do scrimshaw. Just find some... That's so much more constructive. I wish I'd had you around when I'd go through that because my tactic would usually get drunk and listen to Blood on the Tracks. Real constructive.

That's a creative project in a way. Yeah. See how fast you can get drunk. I think a constructive project is so much more healthy. Is that why, Jordan, is that why you were always bringing me those redwood sculptures, those redwood chainsaw sculptures of bears earlier in our lives. Yeah, I was just getting... Your romantic life was more unstable.

Getting dumped. That was all heartbreak residue. I get it. Yeah, no. Do some writing. That'll make you feel good. That's great. I think that's great advice.

Seriously. Hey, Jordan, Justin Go. This is Magda and Rachel calling. So we had a bit of a predicament where some fellow crew members are going to make a movie, Bullfrog Montgomery. And there's two possible scenarios of what's going to happen in it. So the original scenario is that it's about a bullfrog who has a comb over but when i originally heard this synopsis i thought he said that it was about a bullfrog who carries a comb but mysteriously has no hair and we can't decide i mean like which is better which is better is the question here

oh gotta go i didn't understand what are you talking? Jordan, it's as simple as the nose on your face. Okay? Crew members? Crew on what? Are they on a submarine? That would explain that loud siren. They're making a crew member. Are we a crew rowing team?

Yeah, it's probably that. They're rowing as they made that call, which is extreme. They're making a movie called Bullfrog Montgomery. Who isn't? And they're not sure whether this movie is about... They're a crew. Well, they're a movie crew, but why do you not know what movie you're making already? They haven't gotten the sides yet, Jordan.

I would definitely see a movie about a frog with a comb over. I would love to see that get made. There's two possibilities. There's a frog with a comb over And then there's a frog that carries a comb Even though he quote unquote mysteriously has no hair Now I want to make it clear It is not a mystery

He does not have hair because he is a bullfrog Bullfrogs do not have hair They're amphibians Amphibians do not have hair So I'm going to start there And say the premise of the second one is flawed because it's no

mystery. The fact of the matter is bullfrogs don't have hair. So it's a mystery that he's carrying a comb, but it's not a mystery that he doesn't have any hair. Unless he plays the comb as a musical instrument. Oh yeah. In which case he's a talented frog.

Yeah. In which case, he should probably be the mascot for the WB. Exactly. Probably audition for that role. Sure. I don't think they should make either one of these movies. Yeah. I feel like comb-over frog is funnier.

I don't know. It's just more unusual. I think they're going to have a hard time with their practical effects with this comb over frog thing i think they should go with uh hypnotist vampires right oh yeah yeah sure we i'm i'm issuing that premise to them with swirl eyes i'm throwing i'm throwing it open anybody who wants to make a movie about hypnotist draculas is good as gold yeah hypno HypnoDracula's... Although they don't necessarily need your permission. Yeah, they do.

Do they? Well, I thought of it, for one thing. Did you? I thought of it. I think real hard to the beginning of the show. I thought of it. I thought... Think real hard.

It wasn't a movie idea. Who said Hypnotist Dracula's? You said Hypnotist Dracula's, but I thought of it as a movie idea. I mean, let's say Brian Stack said something about pancakes. And then I said, I got a movie idea. It's about the world's tallest stack of pancakes. Who's thought of the movie? This guy.

This guy. You're right. Who's got two thumbs and just came up with a million dollar idea? This guy. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Mike, a.k.a. Micosaurus from Chicagoland. million dollar idea this guy a jordan just to go to mike a k mic source from chicago and uh... that was watching television yesterday

and uh... hoping that jordan address involved him watching television commercial for whom i trust my finances and in the very beginning of the commercial, a man is purchasing his coffee by not sliding but scanning his Chase debit card. And he's at a coffee shop, and the barista who is helping him make this purchase

looks either perplexed or slightly irritated. And I noticed that this mop-headed barista seems to either resemble or be identical to one Jordan Morris. I was wondering if it is, in fact, Jordan, because I didn't see that address on the boards at all. And if it is Jordan, he could kind of discuss a little bit of how that went down, what kind of method he used to really get in character as the irritated barista, and some tips on how one could look just as kind of irritated and perplexed as he did.

I played this call for this reason. Okay. I want people out there to know that across America, there are young people with curly hair. These people are not Jordan Morris. They're usually not. Typically, it's not me. Yeah.

More often than not, they're not you. This wasn't you, right? No, I don't have a commercial agent. Trying out for commercials is not something that I do. I have been in one commercial, but it was a commercial only run in southern california it was for the local weather i was for nbc four's fritz coleman uh i played a surfer dude asking him where the best waves were i got a hundred dollars uh that's that's uh if you searched for that on YouTube, that's up there. But yeah, no, it was not me.

But yeah, I do get the impression. I just feel like I see a lot of commercials where dudes who kind of look like me are being annoyed or perplexed or overly enthusiastic about a product. So yeah, maybe this is a little chunk of change I could be cashing in on. But we should clarify that you were in a Sandra Bullock movie. People keep emailing me, is Jordan in a Sandra Bullock movie? Which one? It's not the one that is coming out soon.

This is called All About Steve, and I have like five lines in it, maybe, if they didn't cut them. They're very easily to cut. I don't provide any exposition or anything like that. Yeah. Jordan's in the preview. You can kind of see me in the top right corner. Plays in the film with Charlene Yee, correct?

Sure. Charlene Yee rocketing to stardom at this very moment. Yes, and despite also being in the movie, for some reason I am not. Yeah. I don't know how that works out. You would think that the catalyst would be Sandra Bullock, right? Yeah, I would guess so. Now, when you made this movie, the co-star of the movie, Bradley Cooper, was not rocketing to stardom,

which is why the movie hadn't come out over the past 18 months or whatever it was. Yeah, but I think now it is coming out on September. It's sometime in early September. What's it called? Failure to Launch 2. Yeah. It's called Matthew McConaughey, the movie. He's not in it and it's weird and I think that's going to hurt.

A friend of mine was in that movie Surfer Dude. Oh yeah? I had to watch that. I had to watch that for work. I haven't seen it yet. I'd like to see it. I guess Surfer Dude. Oh, yeah? I had to watch that. I had to watch that for work. I haven't seen it yet. I'd like to see it. I guess it went straight to DVD, right? It did, yeah. Yeah, it's too bad.

I want to see it one day. What does your friend do in it? Maybe I'll... He plays one of his surfer buddies. I think he said he has a mustache, and his name's Todd Stashwick. Okay. You told me when he got cast... His character's name or his real life name?

That's his real name. They just assumed that he would have a mustache. Very talented actor. Another Chicago guy. And he's been in a, he played Minnie Driver's brother on The Riches, that show, The Riches. I don't know if you ever saw that. Okay, sure, sure. He's been in a lot of things, but yeah, anyway.

I saw that. That was recommended to me on Netflix On Demand somehow. I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel of the Netflix On Demand. I've really seen what they got to offer. And it's just starting to offer me just horrible, horrible things. And it offered me that, and I clicked on it because I remember Jordan saying he had to go see it. And a bad sign for a movie on Netflix is all the reviews that pop up as the most useful reviews are just about how much nudity there is in it.

Yeah, it's basically, it's, it's, yeah, it looks like it was just basically like, I mean, and Matthew McConaughey was like a driving force behind this. He, you know, produced and co-wrote and kind of really ushered this thing through from what I understand. And yeah, I mean, you can see why. from what I understand. And yeah, I mean, you can see why. It's basically just little kind of dialogue bridges between party scenes where you see Matthew McConaughey

making out with all sorts of exotic, beautiful women of various races. Okay. And then some kind of like thing. And then Willie Nelson's there and he has a goat. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Yeah, I thought that Willie was in it.

People don't give enough credit to mcconaughey people give a lot of credit to mcconaughey for sure for his acting chops absolutely for his good looks winning smile you don't hear enough about his his his writing skill and i think this guy is an updike for our generation matthew mcconaughey yeah john up that if johndike just wrote a bunch of excuses for him to make out with a Cuban woman. Yeah, this is Jason calling in from Columbia with a momentous occasion. I just saw a woman get shat upon by a bird. I'm looking out my office window. She's far enough away to where I don't actually realize that it is

a woman being shat upon by a bird until she says, and then walks over into the grass and proceeds to wipe her head into the grass. She wiped her head on the grass. That's funny. That's the best part, probably,

right? Yeah, that's really good. She put her head on the grass. It's hard to get your head down there. Next. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. It's Jeff from Long Island City. I'm calling for a momentous occasion. Just walking down the street and had a kid ride up past me on a razor scooter wearing rollerblades, shouting to the kid sort of running behind him, saying,

Don't ever fucking tell me I can't do anything. And he tried to do a little bunny hop on the razor scooter and fell down and started crying. He was wearing rollerblades riding a razor scooter. All right. That's an abundance of wheels. You know what? rollerblades riding a razor scooter. Alright. That's an abundance of wheels.

You know what? I'm giving this guy I'm giving this kid I'm giving him honorary membership in the Boner Society. Yeah. Because he is fulfilling his optimum potential by riding. Don't ever tell me I can't do anything. Ever. That's what he says. Don't ever

tell me I can't do anything. This kid can do anything if he puts his mind to it. He can ride two of the gayest modes of transportation at once. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. I'm the guy who called in last week to say that I wasn't walking with my peers at the graduation for the theater arts major. I just found out that one of my classmates a jay brookman was jordan's girlfriend in high school and that is my fucking momentous occasion you know what that number one that is not a momentous occasion because jordan is a well-known

international play oh sure i fucked my way across that whole high school. I can't be expected to remember that. Jordan went to a big public high school in Southern California. He fucked most of the women and many of the men. Sure. And this guy thinks he's really special because... Oh, and one of the mascot outfits. To be fair, I thought someone was in it. You did.

And it was pretty good, too, from what I remember you describing it to me. Surprisingly good. It was top 25%, right? I think that's the word you said. The lack of response didn't trouble you? The motionless sadness. I was on mushrooms.

Jordan, Jesse, I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I am sitting in a rental car in Minneapolis, and I've had this car about an hour, but I've only just opened the glove compartment, which was not cleaned out from the previous occupant. It contains some receipts from hardware stores, a Long John Silver's in Fort Worth, Texas, someplace in Iowa called the Come and Go, K-U-M and Go.

It also contains a pair of lacy, size-large lavender women's underpants. Again, when we say momentous occasions, we want things that are unusual to see. Everybody knows Jordan travels. Jordan travels all over the world for his job at fuel tv um and you know sometimes you're in the midwest i don't think it's i i i of course where would you go you go to long john silvers you go to the drive-thru whorehouse no well this is sorry sorry to correct you jesse okay you find a lady right at the whorehouse the drive-thru whorehouse you know wherever at the hot lady bar to come and go you take her to long john silvers right and uh you

know you stop by the whorehouse and fuck her you're barely you're barely out of the drive-thru and the band the panties come off right and then you gotta figure out shrimp is a powerful aphrodisiac. It is, yeah. You're a man who knows. Oh, yeah. If you're looking to seal the deal. Popcorn shrimp. Keep that in mind, youngsters. Hello, this is Michael calling from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, with a momentous occasion.

I'm at the Three Rivers Arts Festival here, and I just met Mr. McFeely, the speedy delivery guy from Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. And it was amazing. We took Polaroids. He signed a picture and gave me a card. So yeah, it felt pretty momentous to me. That is momentous.

That is sincerely momentous. Here I am talking shit about these other people who call in with these perfectly normal things. And this man did something really magical. He met Mr. McFeely. But Jordan had an encounter with Mr. McFeely as well, didn't you? Oh, yeah. While you were kind of going through all the people at your high school?

Yeah, yeah. Didn't he slip in there? Well, you know, what he did was he came to give an inspirational talk. He came to just talk to the kids about, you know, TV. There was something about Polaroids of Mr. McFeely that sounded familiar to me. And now I remember it was. Yeah, you know, I just, you know, when kind of the Q&A part of the presentation rolled around, I just raised my hand and I gave an unusually, I asked an unusually insightful question for a 13 year old.

Also unusually sensual. Yeah and you know I kind of licked my lips when I did it. I wasn't really expecting anything to happen from it but I kind of like thought it might You gave him one of those kind of LL Cool J kind of deals Yeah yeah absolutely and yeah you know just one thing led to another and you know he was shaking hands

afterwards and I just you know I let him know that I didn't have a fifth period that day. Jordan, you're sort of an M.M. Cool J or Mr. McFeely loves Cool Jordan. Yeah. I had that. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. It's Nick from Mooresville, North Carolina. And I got a story for you guys. Not too long ago, I was with my friends. We were over at my buddy's house, and we were all drinking 40s, and I came up with an idea that I was going to fill up one of the 40 bottles with urine and sneak it into the fridge and hope somebody drank it. So I proceeded to hammer down a couple of good old highlights.

Build up some pee. Got myself a little bit wasted, urinated enough to fill one of the 40s, put it in the fridge, and as it turns out, the joke worked. But the joke worked. But the joke ended up being on me. I guess I should have maybe not drank as much, filled up with water, a little bit of water. I don't know. Okay.

He's really taking the wrong lessons from this. Yeah. The lesson here... When you pee in a bottle, you label it somehow. Just give yourself a little... Right? Prank bottle. Yeah. With a Sharpie.

And then in parentheses, not a prank bottle. So then the person reading it goes, oh, okay. Oh, okay. You got to bring him back around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sort of that kind of thing. I was going to... I mean, here. It's sort of that kind of thing. I was going to, I mean, I would hear, I was going to suggest that maybe he shouldn't,

maybe it was karma biting him on the rear because he was trying to get someone else to drink it. But now that you have explained the system involving the prank bottle. Yeah, just a simple mistake. Parentheses, not a prank bottle. Right. Right. So that makes a lot more sense to me. Good.

Fair enough. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Brian Stack, Captain Mystery. That was better.

Yeah, I liked it. He did the eyebrow thing, which you can't hear, admittedly. He did do it, did a great job. I thought, Brian, congratulations on doing such a great job. Thank you, sir. He sold it, I think. Yeah, I have to get used to having a nickname. It's new to me.

It's great, but you're doing a great job, Brian. Yeah, thank you, sir. Don't worry. We just think you're the best name, Brian. You'll settle into it in no time. Pretty soon you'll be getting hate mail from people that listen to you on the radio in New York. At least that's my experience. All right.

I look forward to that. At least you know you're having an impact. High five contest. I want to mention the high five contest again. We talked to a lot of people at MaxFunCon about the high five contest. High five 09 is the thing. What you do is you upload your pictures of your high fives to Flickr. Tag them High Five 09.

There's bonus points for celebrities, past Jordan Jesse Go and Sound of Young America guests, pets and animals, babies, in front of a monument. Those are your primary areas of bonus points. Am I missing anything? I don't think so. I think that sounds... You can't get more than one point for each high-five combo. In other words, you can't just go around high-fiving your buddy in different places

and get a point for every new place. You can only get one point for high-fiving a certain other people. So it has to be a different combination every time. Upload them to Flecker. Tag them high five oh nine and at some point we'll decide when the contest ends and what the prizes are. I think I

would also like to mention, I think we've mentioned this on our various internet outlets, the Twitters and the message boards, but if for some reason people don't keep up with us that way, a guy made a really, really awesome Flash browser video game based on Jordan Jesse

Go. It's really fun. It has a lot of cool inside jokes that I don't even get. To be honest, we've forgotten most of what has transpired on this program. Yeah, and he wrote a very funny script, and Jesse and I did the voice overs for it. Andy Daly

plays a part. John Hodgman plays himself in script, and Jesse and I did the voiceovers for it. Andy Daly plays a part. John Hodgman plays himself in it. And it's just really fun, and it's just one of the cooler fan things that somebody's made for us. It's certainly the coolest. It's really fantastic. It's very cool. It's a really fun game, and it's just amazing. The guy's name is Dan Henrick.

So thank you to Dan. I actually met Dan at MaxFunCon this past weekend. It's such a wonderful thing. If you go to MaximumFun.org and click on JordanJesseGo, they're in those posts. I haven't added it to the sidebar or anything yet because I honestly don't know how to change the layout of my website. But it's in the top few posts on the JordanJesseGo page of MaximumFun.org.

You click on JordanJesseGame. It is so much fun and you, plus you get, I mean, come on, Andy Daly? Oh,

he's the best. He's the best that there is. John Hodgman, as Judge John Hodgman settling disputes via telephone in the context of a fictional video game world.

How can you beat that? Aliens Kidnapping My Dog Coco? Don't give it all away. Okay, that's the premise of the game is aliens kidnapping my dog coco that happens in the first cut scene all right right you don't even have to beat any levels to find out that that happens um so it's a it's a lot of fun and a really awesome thing share it with your friends and whatnot um it'll probably convince them to play

jordan to listen to jordan jesse go no it won won't at all. It'll be confusing and odd. It'll just be very strange to them. But maybe if they kind of like that kind of Super Mario type games, you can get in a hot tub with Ashkahn if you want to, and he'll sing to you. It's a great, a lot of fun, very fun game to play.

Thank you for mentioning that, Jordan. No problem. I forgot that we had to mention that on the show. And I'm going to be honest with you, if you hadn't heard about that, why aren't you on the forums and why aren't you subscribed to the Maximum Fun blog?

That's another thing you really need to get on top of. Sure, just a little reminder that you're going to miss great things like the Jordan Jesse Go video game. We're running an ecosystem here, Jordan. It's not just this. I also wanted to, on the subject of meeting Dan Henrick, we had MaxFunCon last weekend.

Last week's Jordan Jesse Go was the one that we recorded live had Max FunCon last weekend. Last week, Jordan Jesse Go was the one that we recorded live at Max FunCon. I think that I had no idea what this was going to be like. I had never put on something like this before. We put on this event up in Lake Arrowhead with

a couple hundred listeners and enthusiasts and a lot of performers and in comedy shows and works, creativity workshops and stuff like that. I really, I'm really been like the people that were there were so kind, happy and enthusiastic that I really felt like I didn't have to do anything. Like I felt like I could fuck everything up and it would be fine because everybody there was so happy and so excited to meet each other and be friends and give each other hugs and high fives. And I think maybe 10 people at this point have literally told me that it changed their lives or that it was a highlight of their lives. And that is like amazing.

And we're definitely doing it again next year. And I really, but the main thing I want to do is just thank all the people who came because everyone was so wonderful. And just everyone came into it with just the most wonderful tone and attitude about having a great time up there. And it was just really amazing just really in there maybe next year brian maybe next year um but yeah so i just want to thank all those people

and jordan of course uh got super wasted so he wants to thank all the people who gave him liquor yeah oh man yes i'm a boob. I saw a Twitter from somebody saying, Jordan is asleep on the floor of my condo lay or something like that. Yeah, anyway. Jordan had a great time. Yeah. He had a great time.

Just had fun. Everybody was having a great time. You know what I mean? Everybody was having a great time. You know what I mean? Everybody was having a great fucking time. That's why it's called MaxFunCon. That's what you hope for. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call if you have a momentous occasion. You want to piece my life back together.

You want to help Jordan with his energy drink addiction. Anything. You got a question for Juanita, for Judge John Hodgman. 206-984-4FUN the number to call you can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org if you want to sponsor the show uh price is starting as low as 100 bucks for a personal announcement on Jordan Jesse Goe you can email me at jesse at maximumfun.org and our theme music is Love You by The Free Design available on Kites Are Fun the best of the free design from our friends at Light in the Attic Records. And I think that's about it.

Right, Jordan? Yep. Great show. Thank you so much, Brian, for being here. Thanks for having me, guys. I think you should probably watch Brian's writing on a little show called The Tonight Show, which you might have heard of. Or you might catch Brian from time to time doing ASCAT at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in L.A. We'll see you next time on jordan jesse go