Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 105: Glass Houses

Episode Date: July 22, 2009

Comedian Todd Glass visits Jordan and Jesse to talk about throwing rocks, touring with Celine Dion, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, Jesse, go.

We've been gone for far too long, so we hit you with a super double extra awesome long show. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, fun guest, huh? Fun guest. Yeah.

Fun guest. Number one, he's bringing in a nice t-shirt. I like that. I like somebody who steps up to the plate and says, I care about this program. I'm bringing in a nice, clean, new shirt. Please welcome to the show Mr. Todd Glass. Todd, welcome to the show. It's so great to have you here. Now I'm starting to think something, because

before we went on the podcast, I started to think that you were being serious. But now I think you might be mocking me. No, no! I'm a big supporter of a clean, white t-shirt. I just bought four on the internet. Really? Yeah, I used the internet to buy them. Okay, why do you buy a white t-shirt?

I mean, that's a pretty gettable item. Here's why. Remember when we had Jordan Jesse Go t-shirts? I do. We printed them on the special alternative apparel t-shirts. Okay. You may remember this. I got a wholesale account with alternative apparel when I did that.

Now I can buy things wholesale from alternative apparel, and so I buy the good stuff. Now they're more expensive, but I decided I'm going to treat myself. I love new t-shirts. Matter of fact, we were talking about this before, is that with socks, I just decided, now forget

about my dress socks, because I don't wear them that often, but just my white socks, ankle socks, 99%. We're talking, ankle socks, 99%. We're talking about ankle socks. Sometimes we're talking about a calf sock. I don't – never go calf. Never? Not – no, no, no, never.

Are you talking – would you ever wear – For a workout, Jim, for a workout. I wear two types. What types do you wear, Todd? One below the sneak where it just barely comes out of the sneak. Sure, a no-see-em. And then one that – There's a bug my mom calls that.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm wearing a no-show sock right now. No, you really have no socks. No, I'm wearing a no-show sock. For those of you listening at home, you cannot see the man's sock. And then the one that comes past your sneaker

on an inch, but they never match up because I used to buy them, you know, once sometimes at wherever I was at, at Macy's or Ross or Target. So I just finally said, you know what, give them all to charity because then you don't have to feel guilty. Just get rid of them. And I bought five or seven, about six packets of brand

new white socks. They match. I don't have to take them out of the dryer and figure out, does this one go with that one? You don't understand. Todd, you know, you're not in college anymore. Treat yourself to a nice clean pack of socks. I've been feeling that too lately. You know what? Here's a nice thing you can do for yourself.

Putting on a clean pair of socks feels amazing. It does. So, yeah. You know what I like to do with an athletic sock? So I'll usually wear a dress sock or, in this case also, wear a no-see-em. Before I forget, before I forget, before we get too far off the topic of socks, I mean, Jesse, one of your hobbies is kind of, you know,

dressing gay. Semi-anachronistic-ish gay dressing. Sure. Have you ever considered a sock garter? No, because I'm not a parody. I'm not a joke. Okay. I'm wearing a perfectly reasonable outfit right now.

It's a little bit... It looks like everybody I grew up with. So to me, it's pretty sort of normal. But New England, you're referring to specifically. No, no, I grew up in Philadelphia, the main line, Villanova area. So it's very preppy. By the way, I just realized your no socks are really no-see socks. I'm talking about white ones. Yours look like when you go to try on a pair of shoes and they give you that panty.

Yeah, that's the situation. It's just better for the shoe. And it feels a little more comfortable? Yeah, you get a little bit less of an abrasion. You don't want the abrasion. You know what I'm talking about, Tom? I like to go to the Costco, and I need athletic socks I go to the Costco I'll buy them by the bag

Champion brand athletic socks and what I do every time I discovered this it was just such a revelation to me just as it was for you Todd what an amazing moment it is when you realize you know what I'm a grown up so it's probably okay

if I spend $30 on 12 pairs of socks. Well, you know what, for me it was... I can just switch them out. Yeah, it wasn't even the thing like being cheap, because a lot of the socks that I had were, you know, when you're buying a pair of good sneaks and the socks are a little extra there, but you go, ah, screw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was that they didn't match. So I got rid of some really good white socks and got rid of some really bad white socks to just have medium white socks. You got rid of some socks that you bought at Neiman Marcus just because you were on the road. There was a Neiman Marcus right there. You forgot to pack some socks. You got rid of some of those, but you also got rid of some socks that you accidentally stole from the bowling alley. Right.

Hey, guys, you know what this reminds me of, what we're doing right here? What's that? A billboard i saw driving reminds me of a billboard i saw driving over for the show entourage uh-huh tagline life changes friends don't yeah you said it jordan doesn't this doesn't i mean i don't know if you guys have seen that when you got grateful i know that when i've got great friends like jordan, Todd Glass, of course, and I are very close, I feel like nothing's going to spin out. No matter what kind of crazy stuff is going on in my life, I can call up my pals Jordan and Todd, and we can just talk about anything. Seriously, Jordan, we can talk about anything. And, you know, at its core, that is what Entourage is about.

I agree. People think it's, you know, it's just about the... Lifestyle porn. You know, the cars or the, you know, or the public fucking or, you know, whatever. But no, it's about friends. Or identifying with assholes because you yourself are an asshole. Sure. Yeah, I have friends like that that come from Philadelphia. And every so often when I just want, like...

And again, my life here is pretty normal. I don't want to make it sound like I'm, you a rock star living some but you know although todd i did see you last night at a hollywood premiere you do i do i want to point that out as a guest not you were not working you weren't selling concessions you were a guest of the premiere anyways no i did i did uh and i and i and i was uh but but you know but so but i mean it's like, I'm not like, you know, so far. Wait a minute. I need to rewind for a second. Are you telling me, Jordan, that Todd wasn't selling concessions at the premiere? Because I would expect that Todd Glass, successful stand-up comedian, went quite far on Last Comic Standing, tours the nation.

My mom was really rooting for you on Last Comic Standing, by the way. Yes. We were rooting together, but usually... You know what? This sounds really maybe what I think I should say, but it is really from my heart. You know, obviously, as the years go on, because it was a long time ago that I was on that show. It was probably about four years ago, five years ago. But still, if I'm in a town and somebody comes up to me and they go, we were really rooting for you, it really like sort of melts me a little bit because I'm like somebody was sitting in their living room and you connect with them and you're like, oh, that's so sweet.

Like, I don't think they realize they go, you hear that all the time. I'm like, no, I don't. I still appreciate that. I don't know why, maybe because it's even, to me, doing the podcast that we've just did for about a year, I guess maybe it's, I don't want to say it's pure because I love doing stand-up comedy, and I wouldn't give up either, but I enjoy the podcast for even a different reason. It is, I mean, it's as pure as you can get if you let it be that way, not being afraid of having conversations like we just had. Like, oh, is that boring?

No, that's what we talk about. I mean, frankly, on our show, what we try and do is just accept the fact that it's boring. I mean, there's no doubt that our show is boring. I don't know why people make the terrible mistake of listening to us, but they have. So we better not surprise them. We don't want to come out of left field with an interesting topic like things that are going on in the world or something like that.

We want to focus in. Tort reform, for example. We want to focus in on hosiery. And you say that somewhat modestly because I think, you know, obviously there's people that are. Well, I mean, I'm sure at one level you know that I go through the same thing. Like, is this boring? But I think you're just looking for a group of people that say, hey, what we talk about and you want to come along for the ride and uh but what i what i was saying with the stand-up is which i love but you still gotta you know you have that

punch lines and you gotta have a you know with the with the you're sort of pushing people along for the ride when you're doing stand yeah and and having a good time doing it but with the podcast when people come up to me and they're like, hey, we really enjoy your podcast, for some reason it does an extra amount to me. It's kind of that new sock feeling. Yeah. It's how I would describe it. It makes me want to go have a drink at the bar with them. I'm like, well appreciate someone coming up.

And they always, I feel like most of the time they preface it like, I'm sorry, I know I'm this weirdo. I know I seem like the weirdo. I go, no, you're not. I always say that. Yeah, yeah. And I think it's just because it is such a personal medium. It's not like they saw you play an alien on Star Trek or something.

And like, oh, I don't want to be. No, this is just you talking with some guys you know. But, yeah, going back to what you said about – what made us go down that journey about talking about anything? Oh, I said my mom was rooting for you on last night's meeting. And you're right, and that made me think, yeah, so it always makes me feel like, oh, thank you. And then I don't know what to say. I feel like I should be funny. So I have my standard joke.

I go, hey, should I – did I owe you money for your vote or something? And I'm like, and then everybody gets uncomfortable and we walk away. We'll be right back right after this. You're listening to What if I took my own commercial break? You just take the reins. It's like, hey, you know what? I'm here. Let's do this. We'll be right back after this word

from Lexapro. Todd, that's not our sponsor. Oh, that's my sponsor, guys. I'm sponsored in this appearance on your show by Lexapro. But Lexapro. Todd, that's not our sponsor. Oh, that's my sponsor, guys. I'm sponsored in this appearance on your show by Lexapro. But the fine folks at Toblerone want you to know. What is Lexapro? I don't know. You know, it's a prescription drug.

It's either boner or hair growth. Okay. Maybe it's a little of both. Yeah. It grows hair on your boner. For that hairier boner. Did you ever see the commercial where they walk around people, supposedly walking around asking people that weren't hired from the product if they use Extends?

Oh, God, those are so weird. Those are so fucking weird. They're supposed to pretend they're going up to regular people in the street, but come on, who walks up to anybody in the street and goes, hey, do you use Extends? Extends, for the people who don't know is the uh male enhancement brand of no cm footwear no it's one of these things that's not approved by the fda but and has this kind of vague claim about extending the light you know extending your manhood performance and you don't know like it

doesn't make it bigger is it just do i last, like, does it make it bigger? Is it just the way it lasts longer? No, they say everything. It makes it last longer. Yeah, yeah. It makes it bigger. And they go up to strangers on the street, and they always say things like, first of all, it's amazing that if people are that honest about using it, they're not going to use the language that obviously the producers want them to use.

So they never go, hey, it makes, we're allowed to curse on this, right? Yeah, sure, sure. They never go, you know, I'm not cursing just to curse, but I'm just saying it's never anything like, yeah, it makes my boyfriend. Don't curse just to curse. I can already tell you're going to curse just to curse. Why are you cursing just to curse? Sounds like Kevin Meany. Why are you cursing just to curse?

Wearing your tight pants. I always like a good excuse to do a Kevin Meany impression. Wearing the tight pants. It's never anybody going like, it makes my boy, you know, it's never a girl going, it makes my boyfriend's cock bigger. You know, it's always like, well,

it makes it, that special part. Right, right. Exactly. It really enhances that male area. Like, no,

wait, does this give me a boner? Does it make it so I come slower? Like, just tell me. It certainly, it certainly is like, wow. Yeah, right.

You don't know what it does, Jordan? It makes your semen juicier. Oh, right. Yeah. It does not affect the erection at all. No. It just gives the semen a certain juicy quality that you're looking for in an ejaculate. Oh, hey, Todd.

Todd, FYI, I did not say semen just to say semen. I just want you to know that going in. Go ahead, Jordan. Todd, does your Rodney Dangerfield impression still have a place in your act? You mean Mitch doing him or just Rodney? You know, I just remember a comedy show I saw you at once, and you did a Rodney Dangerfield impression that was really delightful, and I've just always wanted to hear it again. Well, you know, I never – I don't want to sound like I'm – you know, when people go, the thing about my act is I never, ever plan.

Like, my set list has never been Rodney Dangerfield written on it ever. The only reason I do it – not because I don't like Rodney, because obviously i'm a huge well not obviously but i would think that for most stand-up comedians who aren't doing a bit about rodney dangerfield it's because they don't like rodney dangerfield you would yeah you're being right yeah you're kidding right yeah okay don't worry todd we're having fun um but uh but it's just for some reason every so often in my act i'll say something that has a Rodney Dangerfield cadence to it. Sure, sure. And whenever that happens, I'll be like, it's all right, it's all right. And then I'll go, hey, all right, all right.

No big deal, no big deal. It's all right. Hey, all right. The night I saw you, you just walked around the room doing that for about ten minutes. Sometimes I want to be Rodney. And it was just so – I feel like I laughed the whole time. Hey, how you doing? Sometimes I want to be Rodney. And it was just so, I feel like I laughed the whole time.

Hey, how you doing, you know? The few times that I got to hang out with Rodney, there used to be a comedian, well, not still, used to, still, Bob Nelson, and he opened up for Rodney a lot when I was very, very just getting into comedy. And so because he was opening up for Rodney, I would, you know, be around Rodney. And it was larger.

The only way I can explain it is being around Rodney. Okay, let's say you are a huge Don Rickles fan or a huge whoever fan. You see them, and it's like, okay, you get a little nervous, whatever. You think, well, isn't that the same thing with Rodney? No. Rodney was more, and if you don't understand it first, you will understand when I explain. It was more like meeting Fred Flintstone or Homer Simpson. You go, well, you can't meet Homer Simpson Simpson and you shouldn't be able to meet Rodney he is such a

character and so large and so no Rodney's a cartoon he's so larger than life and then you meet him you're like holy shit like there's that three inches for me and he's going all right hey what do you want to do you know it's all right hey hey bobby what do you want you know and pretty much talks like that and i remember one night he was gambling at the riviera and um people started gathering around and he was actually really cool he was like all right all right no big deal you know and tried to go back to gambling and then more people gathered and he still put a little did a little comedy for him so they could all go home and go rodney was so cool and he was really cool then at one point he just he still did a little comedy for him so they could all go home and go, oh, Rodney was so cool. And he was really cool. Then at one point, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he goes, all right, all right.

Hey, everybody, thanks for ruining a good fucking evening. And he just walked away. And I just trailed away with him. And he just wasn't in the mood. He felt like, come on, I gave you a little piece of me. I made you laugh. Keep walking. But nobody was walking.

Nobody was trying to pretend they weren't staring at him it was like because that's like oh my god there's homer simpson sitting at a table gambling i gotta fucking take this in so he was it was uh it was it was amazing and he he said one thing to me he had that cadence that could make you laugh even if you don't know what he said so one time he goes my friend bob nelson he goes hey this is todd he lives in philadelphia and he goes that's good you know philadelphia needs him and we all went and when he walked away what did he mean and that would happen a lot he would just say something you weren't fake laughing that's a big difference no sure because you were really laughing that tone how do you not laugh at a thing in that way? So that's what it was like the few times that I had seen him.

It was a real treat. And also he was very supportive, which I admired, of new comedians having those specials. I think he made money off of those, but I really believe it was more a labor of love. Back then there weren't as many vehicles, so if you weren't Tonight Show friendly, how did you get on TV? So Rodney Specials launched a lot of careers of some people that would have, you know, hey, eventually if you're funny, you're going to get your turn. But a lot of them, their turn was because of what Rodney showed. He was also really supportive.

I always thought of slobs in their eternal battle against the snobs. Sure. You know, so that's another great thing about him, right? You mean Caddyshack type of thing? Yeah, sure. You're Caddyshack type of thing? Yeah sure Your Caddyshacks Did he fight any snobs in Back to School? Yeah

Dean was a little uppity in that That's interesting that you put it that way I never sort of put it that there was definitely a running theme And probably in some Even in Ladybug he was You know this underdog And they were snobby And he gave him every

time yeah because he's rodney dangerfield you know what i saw i saw back to school um when when i was when i was a kid my mom for like extra money to pay the rent would take in english as a second language students you know that like had a homestay or whatever and uh one of them was uh swiss and he these kids would be in english school like getting a certificate in english so they'd be at our house for three months or six months or whatever one of these kids has stayed at our house for six months and his parents came to visit and stayed at our house for a week or something like that and then at the end of it they were they invited me to go to switzerland which was pretty amazing because what am I, you know, I'm not going to Switzerland some other way. And they like brought me to

Switzerland. Like I stayed at their house for a week and it was really great. And, um, they worked during the day and I was, I was maybe nine or 10. So I was a little bit too young to go out and to do, do different stuff for the most part. So we went to this video store that was switzerland's english language video store but they only had like 15 videos so i picked back to school and i watched back to school and did they watch it with you no it was a solo it was a solo viewing todd yeah no no i was just curious if the what's what swiss people think about rodney dangerfield well i mean yeah that's normal that's an amazing question. Can you think of what a Swiss person would think? Switzerland is really like my impressions of Switzerland

were that it was the way that you would think Switzerland would be. You mean toenail clippers come out of everything? Swiss Army knife. No, but I'm thinking what Swiss people, they don't have an, you don't think of them as, what is the reputation of Swiss people? I mean, I guess they're like clockwork. They're the neutral country? They're neutral, they're careful, they're slightly agrarian, but also they're like, they sell insurance and watches.

You know, so they're like the kind of people you can set your watch to, and that's what they're like. Like, everyone's really polite and stands up really straight and is super Aryan. And how are they deep down? Well, I didn't get that deep down in my week. Cruel. Yeah, they are pretty. Actually, now that you mention it, they did lock me up in a dungeon for two of the seven days. No, they didn't.

Which seems mean-spirited now. Looking back on it, at the time, it seemed like a theme adventure. I thought that was just Swiss hospitality. I just thought it was a Swiss thing, like how they call Swiss cheese Emmentaler. You know what I mean? Because I have no patience for anyone who outwardly, to outwardly nice and deep down mean, or deep down nothing like you're like outwardly,

to me that's what we always talk about, is that that seems to be the way the 50s and 60s were. Outwardly, you know, proper and back then. But behind the scenes, so much shit going on that they never dealt with anything. So when people always say, when I hear that, like, oh, we were proper and we stood straight. Yeah, but how were you really? How were you to other people? How were you as a human being?

You know, because I'll take someone with a little slouch that's fucking not judgmental i'll take that i'll take a kind sweet person that doesn't wipe their mouth maybe as much as you fucking think hey motherfucker why don't you be a little kinder and sweeter i know i'm cursing i only i get the i get the i get a little well i brought up semen earlier so i think from here on out anything goes you know actually i might have kicked it off with harry boner yeah absolutely so we're all in the same boat yeah we're having a lot of fun the great uh todd glass is here uh jordan morris myself we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you, love you

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Todd, you get to make up a nickname for yourself if you'd like to. I did want a nickname. There used to be a kid in my high school. His name was E4, Edward IV. Uh-huh.

People called him E4 and i wanted people called him e4 yeah called him e4 that's good i thought it was a great nickname i was like e4 so i had t1 because i'm todd the first right t1 i was like no i really you know what looking back i'm thinking come on were you joking about wanting a nickname t1 is good solid, though. I wanted it. T1. I like E4, too, because it makes me wonder if rapper E40 is actually just, you know, Eric the 40th.

Probably not. I mean, probably. 40th? Yeah, probably. That's a lot of people. Yeah, that's fair. So T1 is what I wanted. T1?

I say T1. I like T1. Or Look, because I have dyslexia and we thought that was the cool backwards. So I thought my nickname could be Look.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I like T1 better. Yeah, T1's better. I prefer T1. I like T1. It's punchy. He's got some kick.

You know what I mean? Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to T1. Yeah. That's my only radio. Was that like a morning radio or an old-timey radio? That's the... Kind of halfway in between.

You're listening to Tom Likas. Oh, okay. That's my that guy voice. I don't know who it is, but he makes money in radio a lot. 80 volts and watts. You know, those ones where they have the longest. 80,000 watts of pure broadcast power. I've been out on four dates with this chick chick and she still hasn't given up the goods.

And you give me some awful advice. About punching her. Hey T, that's the 1950s voice of like, hey, you know, the sort of... We always ask this. I'm curious if you have an opinion on that. Was that

TV imitating what really happened or was was that TV mate-pretending? I want to know that, too. But here's the thing. Okay, here's the thing. I had always wondered whether that was just how actors talked, and so it was just a fancy. It was just in the middle of the 20th century, people just wanted to talk a little fancy if they were in broadcasting. That's one possibility. But we have this podcast called Coil and Sharp the Imposters.

And on this show, it's these two guys who went around San Francisco in the beginning of the 60s doing put-ons with just random people on the street. And there is a significant number of people who talk like Leave like leave it to beaver style so you think maybe it was uh yeah i think maybe there was a broad range because i think some people maybe talked like country bumpkins as well yeah it was a big class distinction between that maybe it was like the the you know uh broad national broadcasting wasn't uh wasn't broad enough um and hadn't had enough time to seep into the culture so regional speech and class speech was like more pronounced right right you know what i mean yeah i feel like whenever you know whenever like npr does a back in the day segment and just plays old old radio footage they're all going like you know well i think

it's just swell that man went to the moon. Just swell. You know, and I don't know. I feel like all the news recordings reflect that, too. There's a guy, his voice, I really mean this. Sometimes I comedically go he's got to stop, but I'm serious. Like, I cannot believe that someone hasn't stopped him yet. He does the things where he goes, it was it was a cloudy saturday night he's you know when they reenact a murder that happened right he's with 60 minutes he's got gray hair

and it's and it's sort of feathered back and he does oh damn it on while we're taping this i hope i can get the cadence of what he does so wrong out so it could be like you you they retell the story in other words your parents were killed yeah and i'm sitting here with you in prison yeah maybe you're you're they still think you did it i'm interviewing you and he'll go with all the grithe of the night someone came into your parents house and killed them and you're sitting in your room and when you woke up you thought what like this isn't you telling, this is somebody's life. You can't tell it like a murder mystery. You can't love your voice that much.

Sometimes you hear someone talking, and you think they're not so much talking as singing a song. Different notes for no reason. And you know who else does that now that you think of it? I'm going to remember who this guy was. By the end of the show, we're going to Google it at a break, if that's all right with you. Who else does it? I want to tell you who else does that now that you think of it? I'm going to remember who this guy was. By the end of the show, we're going to Google it at a break, if that's all right with you. Who else does it? I want to tell you who else does it.

But first, I want to say, at a break, hopefully, if you don't mind, I'd love to find out who it is. Then they're going to watch it, and they're going to know exactly what I mean. They're going to go, yeah, that's rude. You're not telling a murder mystery novel. You're talking to people who just lost their parents. You can't do it in that voice. This is not dinner theater. I can't believe a producer never went,

hey, someone tell John that that's just rude. It's disrespectful. It's creepy. It's scary. But what you just reminded me of is the guy who did To Catch a Predator. Someone's got to tell him. Someone's got to go. I say it amongst comedians. If you have close friends,

your close friends can tell you. Don't do that or don't do this. Don't be a parody of yourself. Someone, what's his name from To Catch a Predator? His name is Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen. Do what you just did with your voice again because that sounded just what he does. It's like enjoying the rhythm of your voice.

He thinks it's a 13-year-old girl, but it's actually Agent Tom Simpson of the Palm Springs Police Department. In a delightful little number he got from Forever 21. I remember. Wait a minute. Have you seen To Catch a Predator before? Yeah, I have. I don't think they dress somebody up in a Forever 21. No, no, you said what they really think is a what he really thinks is a 13 year old is agent Tom Simpson.

In the delightful little number. Yeah. I think you're misunderstanding what's happening on the show. They don't trick the predators by dressing a male police officer up like a teenage girl. I was commenting on your...

You're suggesting that they dress them up in a mini skirt, for example. Yeah, yes, that is. I'm wrong. I was wrong. That's what it seems like. You got it. It seems to me like you're suggesting...

You nabbed me. You nabbed me just like Chris Hansen nails those molesters. Only your crime was far worse. I remember when that show first... Todd looks at his watch. No, no, no, no. Todd's like, oh boy, these guys were there to catch your predators. No, no, you know why I looked at my hand?

Somebody the other day goes, your veins on your hand, look, they stick out over here. And then I just got paranoid because I looked down at my vein and it was sort of sticking out. I sort of flexed my hand. That's what they're doing now on To Catch a Predator. I can see why you get self-conscious. It used to be all kiddie, you know, child predator types. Now they're just looking for people whose veins pop out on their hand. But not first.

Run, Grandma. When that show first came on, I remember I didn't know how to articulate what I was trying to say and I was afraid if I said it it would sound creepy and as the show went on I think I wasn't the only one that felt that I remember feeling it in day one was number one anything anytime obviously you can get a predator off the street it's always good so what could be your problem with the way they're doing it how could you have a problem they're getting there then there was i knew early on and then it got worse and worse that he was creepy and it made you how creepy do you have to be how creepy does your segment have to be and how creepy does have to be for you to in a morbid way feel bad for the person they're catching you know i think you got to be pretty creepy because they're getting

a disgusting or at least a person that needs help off the streets so you got to be so fucking creepy and they were they got creepier and creepier the questions they would ask just get them off the street your job's done don't go what would you have done if i wasn't here what do you think you just want to hear the morbid retell yeah what this person was going to do you want to drop your pants and masturbate to it? There's this. There's this. In regards to your question, yes. Number two, though, there's this British TV show called Brass Eye. It's a parody of like a hard copy type TV show. They had a pedophilia episode where they were doing a story about how Britain had decided to take pedophiles and put them in a rocket ship and fire them into orbit so they wouldn't be close to children. So they couldn't molest any children because if you put them in jail, a child might go into the jail and the jail might be near a school.

So they want to put the child molesters. All the pedos go into uh orbital spacecraft and they rocket them into space and they're reporting on this story through the course of the episode and about two-thirds of the way through they have breaking news that someone accidentally put a child in the orbital spacecraft with the pedophile and that's what i feel like to catch a predator has at this point that's basically what it is. We're basically putting pedophiles into a rocket ship and sending it to the moon live on television. There's a point where it's sort of like, okay, okay, yeah, okay, fine.

I agree that it's one of the worst things that a human being could ever do. I'm on board with that. I'm not sure I'm comfortable watching it as a television show. Well, if they would at least pull back even a little bit, if you can make money, and that helps the cause too. But my friend that's a cop explained it to me pretty well. He goes, I was talking to him about it one night, not thinking he would have any answer.

I just do ride-alongs with him, and he's a police officer. We started talking about that show. Was this just for general interest? Why were youalongs with him. He's a police officer. We started talking about that show. Was this just for general interest? Why were you riding along with him? He's a friend of mine, but I heard that ride-alongs were possible like years and years and years ago. And there was a cop in my audience. I asked if there were any cops here.

And someone goes, over here. They never yell out. It's always a friend of theirs or something. The cop just shoots his gun in the air. So he said I could do a ride along with him after the show, and then I did it. But going back to so we were talking one night about the Take Hatch a Predator. He goes, no, no, I know exactly

what you're talking about. He goes, there's cops that we work with. He goes, not every cop on the force I respect, obviously. And there's some cops, he goes, if I'm arresting someone, I just do what I have to do. He goes, sometimes I get angry, but I don't love it. If they're being nice, if the person I'm arresting is being just following me, I don't get off on it. He goes, sometimes I get angry, but I don't love it. If they're being nice, if the person I'm arresting is being just following me, I don't get off on it. He goes,

for a few reasons. One, they live in, if they ever see me with my children out, they're going to remember the way they were treated. They're going to, he put me in jail, but he didn't mock me. He didn't, you know, at the low time of my life. So he goes, and some of those cops, he goes, they do. He goes, it's like they get off on the, on the, on the catch and they get, and some of those cops, he goes, they do. He goes, it's like they get off on the catch. And they think because they're catching someone that's guilty, they can't be any seedier than the person they're catching. And there comes a point when a cop, he goes, what we call in the business, can get grosser than the person they're arresting because they're liking it too much.

And that's how I feel about Chris Hansen, whether it's because he's trying to do a show. It's like, all right, don't. That one question, what were you going to do if I wasn't here? He doesn't have one friend in journalism that can go, you know what? You don't need to ask that. What if they started telling you? Are we going to play it? Maybe you don't need to read aloud the transcript of the filthy things they were chatting.

I feel like that's. You may pretend you're trying to do journalism. I get it. I get it. You know, they have to make a living. But just at least may pretend that you're trying to keep journalism. I get it. I get it. I, you know, they have to make a living in it, but just at least may pretend that you're trying to keep it as a, you know, what were you going to do once?

I'd like to see someone say it. Well, I was going to pull her, you know, I can't even say it jokingly. It's so, you know, not needed to,

uh, you know, he, I wonder if he'd have an answer for that. That's what I always wonder. Oh God. I bet he would have a thousand answers for it. I bet that guy has answers for every...

I bet that guy can tell you about every fucking thing he's ever done. You know what I mean? I can tell you the answer he'd have, and I could already disprove it. I bet I'm pretty right. You might go, really? You're going to guess his answer and then defend... Wait a minute. Todd, are you telling me that you're going to, number one, guess what answer he would give you?

And then offer a rebuttal? Yes. You ready? on guess what answer he would give you and then offer a reputal yes you ready he's gonna say it would embed to so for the for the person out there that's thinking about this the the the that it would embarrass them to know this is what you're going to go through if you happen to get caught if you happen to get caught in a sting and it's going to make someone think twice to do it well the fact that most of your people that have gotten caught on that show have seen your show on tv proves it's not working if you have that if you have that in you and you have that sickness in you if seeing it on tv how many people do they interview and they'll go yeah have you ever seen my show and they'll go yeah we have i feel like in in the last one i watched there was

even a little like goof reel at the end of people going like oh my god am i on and and and the music wasn't wacky but it was a little wackier than the normal music and to be fair they were doing voices over the footage there was two guys doing saget was doing everyone's voice oh that's hilarious they're showing and i know you're being half serious because i think i know you mean they show some of the outtakes of of a blooper reel, but that's hilarious. Like him pointing to the cameras and going, oh, my God. Just think of how much better that show would be if instead of Chris Hansen, the host was Jackie Chan. Just think of how great that reel at the end would be.

He would just kick them in the face. Yeah, and then at the end you'd get some hilarious outtakes, some really great outtakes, like a good Jackie Chan movie. Right? I think. Basically. Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker made such a good pair. Why not Jackie Chan and Chris Hansen? You know, can I ask you guys a question?

This is a serious question, because I feel like I've been getting some shit about this. And obviously it's not something that comes up a lot, but I feel like any time it comes up i get shit about it sure um this is the movie shanghai noon and its sequel shanghai nights did either of you guys see these movies i you know i think i had one on okay like a hotel room while i was changing clothes once i went to see shanghai noon with my mom uh back in san francisco i went to see shanghai noon with my mom how many years ago was this when it to see Shanghai Noon with my mom. How many years ago was this?

When it came out. I mean, we're talking about, I was maybe 19 or something like that. This was not at a revival theater. No, no, no. Recently. No, this wasn't at one of those art house theaters.

Revival, old classics. Yeah, well, I mean, you'll see. I mean, certainly there's those things, you know, Bergman, Shanghai Noon. Yeah. But this was not in that context. This was in a first-run movie house, a kabuki, I want to say, Shanghai Noon. But this was not in that context. This was in a first-run movie house, a kabuki, I want to say, in San Francisco.

And you know what? I fucking loved Shanghai Noon. I didn't just like it. I loved it. Number one, Jackie Chan is hilarious to me. I think he's really, really funny. Number two, I also think Owen Wilson is really funny. Number three three clearly all

this movie is is just they were like hey owen wilson you're one of the funniest guys around you're at the peak of your powers jackie chan you're a hilarious guy as well and you can do all this amazing shit jackie you come up with six five minute stretches of amazing shit and owen wilson you just make jokes the rest of the time jackie channel make a funny face in response that's like one of the best movies ever to me i love this movie and shanghai nights i will admit it was not as good as shanghai jesse it seems to me it seems to me that you've been it seems to me that you've been carrying around the high standard of shanghai these are old movies jordan been carrying around. The high standard of Shanghai Noon.

These are old movies at this point. Jordan, it did not match the high standard of Shanghai Noon. When did you get shit for this? Was this a traumatic situation for you? This is something that's been going on throughout my entire life, I feel like. Since you saw the movie. Well, yeah, but at this point, that movie's so old that that's the better part of my life. Are there other movies like that where you feel like you know like whenever i see a good movie that i love i want my friends that i respect their opinions right do you feel like that a lot you're

like you don't want to admit it and you want finally i know how you feel you're like you know what i liked it i don't want to lie anymore but you've been making yourself lie i don't mean you meaning here's the thing here's the thing todd'm the asshole. Like, there's no doubt about this. I'm usually the one I usually, you know, nine times out of 10, I just hate a stupid movie. Like, I'm not the kind of guy who can just go to a movie with stupid movie and like turn my brain off and just enjoy it. Like, mostly I don't I just don't like them. And so when people are like, that's one of my favorite bad movies or like, that's my favorite dumb movie. Like, I'm just like, I don't know. I just thought't like them. And so when people are like, that's one of my favorite bad movies, or that's my favorite dumb movie, I'm just like, I don't know.

I just thought it was dumb. But in this case, the tables have been turned. So all these times that people gave me shit about not really liking Top Gun or something like that, this is me getting my comeuppance because I sincerely love this shit out of Shanghai Noon. Give me some of your movies, if you don't mind, that did really well that you're like, I feel bad, but I didn't like it. Almost any movie that did really well.

So the fact that you liked the role models as much as I did is amazing. No, I think if you're talking about, I think we're lucky right now. And this is something I heard you and you and Jimmy Dort and Patton Oswalt talking about on your podcast, comedy and everything else. I agree completely that we're living in a golden age of film comedy.

I think we're really lucky to be, to have a lot of movies coming out that are actually sincerely watchable. If you compare it to when I was in high school, you know, 10 or 12 years ago and the kind of terrible adam sandler movies and stuff and like that the best you could hope for was maybe like uh uh what's that movie with chris farley and david spade tommy boy like tommy boy's fine like tommy boy's a funny movie and everything i'm not saying anything bad about tommy boy but that was the that was the good choice you

know in terms of film comedy 12 or 15 years ago yeah and today we can see something like the 40 year old virgin the 40 year old virgin that's a pretty fucking solid movie it's hilarious from start to finish maybe a little bit weirdly paced that's the worst thing you could say about that kind of movie you know what i mean no we we were just talking about that off the air too is saying that uh you know there were movies, there's two types of sense of humor I feel that I have. One is, you know, there was some, like, hey, back when I was little,

Caddyshack and movies like that, and then I had a different sense of humor, even back then when I was 16 and 17. Me and my friends, you have that extra silly sense of humor that's just amongst you and your friends, but that's not going to be in a movie. It doesn't mean every movie is going to suck because there were great movies.

But then you have this extra twisted sense of humor just for you and your friends. And that's not a movie. That's you and your friends, little twisted sense of humor. Now, all of a sudden, you get to see that in a movie. And I think it's probably

because production values are cheaper and people, you know, I don't know, maybe get to make some movies that... I'm just excited. I just think of how much more funny i find say and look will ferrell's made terrible movies but how much more funny do i think will ferrell is than jim carrey for me for my taste in humor infinitely yeah like i i feel like i feel like will ferrell is getting a lot of shit lately. And granted, he's done some bullshit.

Yeah. But like, but like, and you know, here's the thing. But how about this? Let's just start with the fact he's actually funny, which is like 10 trillion. Talented, yeah. That's like 10 trillion steps ahead of fucking Jim Carrey. And I'm not, you know, I'm sure Jim Carrey's a nice guy and everything. And if you like Jim Carrey movies, that's fine for you. No, no, we always feel bad about you. But, you know, for me, like, I can't bear Jim Carrey's a nice guy and everything. And if you like Jim Carrey movies, that's fine for you. No, no, we always feel bad.

But for me, I can't bear Jim Carrey. Yeah, he's awful. I thought Jim Carrey was a little bit much when I was 10 years old. Was there a movie you went, that was his best movie? I kind of like The Cable Guy. Because I felt like it... It's been a long time since I've seen The Cable Guy, so I don't remember it well enough to get really into it but i felt like it captured like the to me the defining

characteristic of jim carrey is his desperate neediness and so i thought it captured that quality about him very well and it was funny i had a lot of kind of funny peripheral stuff i remember janine garofalo was funny in it and i've been a scene and you know i i thought ben stiller was really cool at the time anyway jordan what were you saying i'm sorry i cut you off no you know i i feel like that the the thing that will ferrell and and like and jack black gets is like they're just doing the same thing over and over again well that's actors yeah like what name okay can we as a group name a few actors who do drastically different? Yeah, you're right.

There's always, there's always going to be someone that can list a few, but you're talking about the norm. And that's funny because we talked about that. A lot of times me and my friends say that you can not like something, but the reason you don't like it is wrong. And I'll tell you, I caught myself doing it and I, and I thought it must not be what I'm guessing. So in other words, you can, you, no one can argue whether you like something or not,

but sometimes almost scientifically you can prove that that person's wrong in their guess. I'm not. All you have to do, here's the process you have to go through. Number one, you ask them a question. Number two, you anticipate what their response to that question was. And you offer a rebuttal. I bet I was pretty close. But back to that thing about when we say we don't like, you're saying, oh, I don't like it's the same thing over and over again.

Well, I said that about Robin Williams. And then I use my own logic against myself. I go, oh, it's just, you know, not that Robin Williams will ever hear this or not, but I actually do like him in a lot of his movies. And someone said, what if he came into a room when you were there? Would you get nervous? I go, yeah, he's still a legend, and he's, you know. But his stand-up, sometimes it's like enough already. I can't see him go on The Tonight Show, and I said it's that same thing,

and I went, you know what, though? Maybe that's not true because maybe it's that same thing that he does because I could listen to Brian Regan for the next 30 years do Brian Regan because I love that what he does. So maybe if maybe if you understand so well i thought i did i thought i just said i didn't like it's that same thing well but i agree does that make do that my making myself i don't want to say no absolutely and you know frankly like it to me it it extends completely to actors like i have no interest in someone i don't think

that the defining characteristic of an actor in a film is how much they transformed themselves. I think that is a really bullshit standard. Let's see, who does that? Philip Seymour Hoffman. Who else? Maybe, arguably, Daniel Day-Lewis, but he has to move to Italy and work as a cobbler for three years to do it.

Do you think when it's too much of the same thing, like maybe when it's the same plot and the same actor? Yeah, no, I think that's fair. I think that's how Will Ferrell got himself into trouble. I think, you know, he did four underdog sports comedies where he was playing the same kind of Will Ferrell-y guy.

And, you know, that's not unreasonable. And some of them were worse than others. Try to mix it up a little. But it's not the performer's fault that they're really successful and so people want them to do a lot of movies you know what i mean yeah and you don't know where i hey i'm i always air not that i'm not very critical but when it comes to that type of thing i i'm always like you know my and they don't know where their career is going to be and the movies are coming in and you know they don't know when it's going to stop and you just try to do the best job you can i'm actually only critical when they go four years or three years and and nothing

is good if they do two movies i'm not crazy about and then you see another one you're like oh that was great i'm like okay that's that's okay with me you know i'll uh you know you know speaking of like when people think well how long can that character go i would speaking of role models again um i'm embarrassed i'm forgetting his name marino the other uh uh david wayne who directed it the star the star paul rudd and sean william scott sean william scott i don't think people thought that character had a life and i think it has a huge life as long as it's always honest to who that character is talking about sean williams Sean William Scott. I loved

seeing him as like... That's what he'll be like when he's 30 and 40. And I think if you would have guessed like, oh, it's Stifler. It's gonna, you know... It's gonna... That's a great example. I feel like that is... That guy is still doing the same thing he was, but he was doing it in a

good, well-directed, well-written movie. where they found a lot of where they found a lot of nice notes and resonances you know in there about what's what's actually enjoyable about that and i think he'll do more i think and i give him credit too i don't think he just happens to have this character that i think he made probably some smart tweaking like okay it's still that guy but we can do this a little different and you know i think uh but i but yeah i love that character i would we would freeze that movie to watch Paul Rudd look bored. We would literally go,

oh, did you just see the way he was sitting there bored? And then we'd push it back and I'd go, yeah. Who did you just interview on, what was his name? We were talking about... Ken Marino. Ken Marino. Same thing. We would watch the way he evaded people's space in the movie.

He was amazing in that movie, wasn't he? And I just watched... Let me ask you this question about this. This is specifically with regard to Paul Rudd and Mr. Ken Marino. It's a little annoying that they're so handsome, right? Because they're not supposed to be that funny when they're that handsome. God, those are handsome men. Well, they say that for women, I've always heard...

I never looked at it. It probably works for both sexes. When you meet a girl... Let's go ahead and throw Demetri Martin in there. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah. When you meet a girl that's really funny, like really funny and also really hot, that she might not have been hot while she was developing a sense of humor in her earlier years. Now, I'm sure there's exceptions, but you always wonder, okay, let's see what those guys looked like when they were 14, 15, 16, 17.

Maybe they weren't. And then because they developed a sense of humor. Because when you're good-looking at those ages, you're not forced to develop a sense of humor. But there's always freaks of nature. But I know what you mean. You think they're good-looking. Ken Marino was just in here to be interviewed about the state

for The Sound of Young America. And you had met him last night, and you made some passing remark about how handsome he was. This is a handsome man on film, certainly. But you meet that guy, you're like, shit, this is a handsome dude. Like, this is a handsome dude.

I saw him last night as we talked about... Last night at the premiere of Funny People. And then just in the hallway leaving here. And I don't know... I mean, I like that movie so much

that maybe it's a good thing I didn't... You know... You didn't recognize him immediately because i think i would have been like gotten a hairy boner i would have been like oh my god and i would have been like a little much maybe what they do in the extends commercials is they bring they have hire ken marino go around shake hands meet somebody and then they swing in real quick with

the uh with the camera crew and ask them about what it was like to meet Ken Marino. Oh, and then they just wrote, they do voiceover. Exactly. And then they loop in the extends question, right? Don't you think that's what's going on? It could be. Imagine if they do something that he adds extra stamina to my male region.

Okay. We got a lot more stuff to talk about. We're lucky to have the great Todd glass here. His podcast is comedy and everything else. He's got a new comedy CD more stuff to talk about. We're lucky to have the great Todd Glass here. His podcast is Comedy and Everything Else. He's got a new comedy CD we'll talk about and everything. Jordan Morris, myself, Jesse Thorne. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart., la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I almost talked you into it. Yes. It's the dulcet tones of my voice and the miscellaneous changes in pitch and rhythm. You said it perfectly the first time. For no discernible reason. Right. Thin Pig is the name of Todd Glass' new CD. Todd Glass, of course, besides being a hilarious podcaster, Jordan, you don't know about Todd Glass. I'm just going to explain to you about it for a minute. I basically only know him as the guy who does the funny nonsense Rodney Dangerfield impression.

Sure. Well, I mean, Todd Glass, certainly you can look to his podcast, Comedy and Everything Else. Very funny podcast with also the similarly hilarious Jimmy Dore, where they talk about comedy and then they talk about politics. And Stephanie. And Stephanie, also a co-host on the show. I don't try to say her last name because who is Stephanie, by the way? I've only listened to a couple of episodes. So and I had known it as you and Jimmy Dore's podcast going in.

So I was like, oh, there's a lady who says something once in a while. She as as the as the shows go on, it's it's it's more than that. But Steph is Jimmy's girlfriend. Oh, I met her. Then I i met her i met her on an airport shuttle jimmy dory introduced himself to me on an airport shuttle i was like oh yeah you're jimmy dory oh great awesome it was fantastic but anyway you might know him that way jordan certainly lots of thousands of people across america know todd glass because of his hilarious podcast but probably even more people know him as one of the best in the business of stand-up comedy.

No doubt about that, Jordan. There's no doubt about that. I was not offering a doubt. Jordan, why are you doubting? Can you hand me that water? I love that you would go, well, I don't know if that's true. Well, that's very sweet of you, and I appreciate that.

One of the best in the business. Okay, on last week's Jordan-Jesse Go, and by last week's Jordan-Jesse Go, I mean the Jordan-Jesse Go that we did roughly two and a half weeks ago. Yeah. We had an action item. The action item was what things have been ruined for you by their fans. I talked about going to a baseball game at Fenway Park and just being spectacularly annoyed by Boston Red Sox fans,

which I did not expect at all. Jordan, what were you talking about? I think we both agree that the Big Lebowski fans of the Big Lebowski can get real obnoxious. And for me, the band Cake was kind of ruined when I went to a concert. I say this as someone with a Big Lebowski bumper sticker over here, but it can get to be a bit much. So anyway,

we made that an action item. We got a couple calls. I haven't heard them yet. John the intern screened them. Thanks to John. Hey, George and Jessica. This is JD in South Carolina, first-in-collar. Calling in about the action item. About things that have been ruined by the fans. The quintessential thing to me

that meets this action item is the complete works of Joss Whedon. Firefly, Serenity, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, whatever this dollhouse thing is, they all have this fan base that's overly enthusiastic to the point of being really annoying. Anyway, love the show. Thanks. Joss Whedon stuff. Good that's a great you know joss whedon is a creator of buffy the vampire slayer and so on i um i really i liked firefly a lot i feel like i lose a lot of geek cred for not liking buffy the vampire slayer cannot bear it unbearably to

watch to me i you know i i feel like the buffuffy contingent is, is there was a cutoff. Like, I feel like it's not, it's not getting any bigger. I feel like it's, it's, that's a stalemate at this point. Do you think you owe it to the, whatever it is that the fans are doing that to you to get over it and say, oh, by the way, I'm not saying it because it's what I do. Cause I have one too, that I'm interested to hear what you think about mine. You think you owe it to go, all right, well, the the fans are annoying but i'm not going to punish the artist because i i'll tell you who mine's a really weird one because since i was a little kid when elvis died elvis elvis elvis and

it was like oh shut up already and then for about for some reason whatever so when you say when you you you speak you were so moved that you decided to talk in Rodney Dangerfield voice. Oh, shut up already. Oh, shut up already there. But then when I finally, for whatever reason, five years ago, I started listening to some Elvis and seeing some old Elvis live. And I went, oh my God, this guy really could perform. You can see why he was the king of rock and roll. Yeah, I can see why people, but then the fans were so over the top.

Am I in the right area? Oh, absolutely. You're right in the wheelhouse. So I thought, you know, the fans, I just rode him off because of the fans. Like, oh, but then now I sort of enjoy watching, because I love performance, you know, meaning like large.

I just love the whole, ever since I was little and I worked at this place called the Valley Forge Music Fair and watching the open, like the show itself is one thing, but I love the opening of a show. Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. And watching that Elvis and the music and the lights and the, oh, it's just great. So I'm sort of letting, passing by with the fans or so over the top, but still enjoying the performance. I just watched this documentary, Soul Power. This is not on the subject of things ruined by their fans, but rather intros to music concerts. I just watched this documentary, Soul Power, which is fantastic. It's in theaters,

I think, right now, depending on where you live. So great. And the headliner of this huge show in Zaire is James Brown. And it's sort of like, frankly, it's a little bit past James Brown's artistic peak. It's like, I think, in 1974. And I would say would say you know you're looking at 71 of as his artistic peak but he's at the peak of his commercial power like he is he's had he has all his hits behind him with the exception of living in america and but he hasn't not had a hit in a long time in 1974 like he's still at the top of his game so this is like the show that you would want to see he's got this great mustache but But the best part about it is James Brown traveled with an announcer. James Brown had an announcer in his retinue. Like he had this huge band and everything.

He also had a guy whose job it was exclusively his whole job in life. His job was to just go on and say, ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Mr. Please, please himself you know him from his hits such as popcorn try me you know miss you know the hardest working man in show business soul brother number one mr james brown you know and it's, man, it really made me want to have to either be that guy or have that guy. Frankly, I don't need to have that guy if I can be that guy.

Like, I'm willing to judge him. Okay, so you want to be this guy. What's the cutoff of artist that you'll do that for? Okay, let's just start. Let's work our way down. Of course you'd love to do it for James Brown. Sure. The late James Brown. I mean, if someone, there's just start. Let's work our way down. Of course you'd love to do it for James Brown. Sure.

The late James Brown. I mean, if someone... There's no doubt that if someone brought James Brown back to life, I would be willing to do it on his behalf. Because I'm thoughtful of the reanimated. God, would I do it for Celine Dion? If I lived... You know, Celine Dion just plays in Vegas now.

I don't think she tours i don't know if i would tour i'm i think i would go on if i was well paid which i think i would be frankly let's be honest i would be pretty well paid because i'd be pretty great at this um number one i would go on at least a tour with celine dion if it was like three months. A three-month tour? Like take three months off from The Sound of Young America, just go into reruns. I get a good paying job doing Celine Dion. I'm touring Europe. I'm staying in nice hotels, and I'm introducing Celine Dion.

Yeah, I'm on board for that. Now, if you're asking me would I go for indefinite tour with Celine Dion, probably not. Asking me would I go for an indefinite tour with Celine Dion? Probably not. However, if I lived in the same place where Celine Dion was in residency, if I lived in Las Vegas, Celine Dion's doing her shows in Las Vegas, and my job was to go down to the Luxor every night. I think in this scenario that I want to present where we see what your tolerance of all is.

Going down to the luxor like the guy who went to zaire with james brown like you're going yeah you're with no you're part of the entourage you're part of the band well i have this artistically fulfilling career as the host of the sound of young america and jordan jesse go i i love doing what i'm doing but i would definitely do it for at least a while there There's no doubt about it. Now, I think if it was in one place, that would be amazing. That would be like, you know, if you hear Jimmy Pardo talk about on his podcast how he feels about his gig as the warm-up guy on The Tonight Show. How is he? Best in the business.

He loves it. He fucking loves it. Because it pays great. It's the best operation in the business. It's not like he's working for a second-class operation. And he's also probably respected for, you know. Yeah, the people think he's the best it's the best operation in the business it's not like he's working for a second class operation and he's also probably respected for yeah the people think he's funny they hired him because they think he's funny because he is and you know it's like the place it's the right it's the right setup you know what i mean and i feel like if i'm doing celine dion in vegas that's a that's a really solid setup for me okay, you're touring to college towns with Sandra Bernhardt.

Do you introduce Sandra Bernhardt with that same verve? Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Miss. Was on Roseanne for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, the doyen of 1970s downtown New York

comedy culture. The caddy, Miss Sandra Bernhardt. You think it's only you. The catty Miss Sandra Bernhard. You think it's only you. That's so funny to hear you that you heard that. Because I think when I hear that, like, I know other people enjoy music. I know other people. There's other things that I like that I get. I'm not the only one.

But then there's some things you're like, when you say the announcement and you heard that voice, I thought that would only be something I would. and you heard that voice, I thought that would only be something I would. Because I remember the announcement when I was probably like 19 and opened up for Patti LaBelle, and to this day, like, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Minskoff Theater. At this time, please, we'd like to announce you no flash photography or recording equipment during this evening's show. Please kindly watch your step as you enter and leave the theater.

This is a topic close to my heart because I did the Sound of Young America last year at the Bumbershoot Music and Arts Festival in Seattle, Washington. Amazing, just wonderful people, just a great thing. You've probably done Bumbershoot at some point, right? One time, yes. Yeah, it's great. Seattle's wonderful. It's an amazing festival. It was a lot of fun. And I got in there,

and they were about to record the pre-show announcement. They had a special pre-show announcement. The show's brought to you by Sprint. You know, please silence your cell phones, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. They were about to record that, and I was like, hey, I have a question.

And you don't have to say yes to this at all, but I'm a professional radio host. That's what I do in my day-to-day life, and I've done a little bit of voiceover here and there, and it's my dream to be the voice of a venue. So would it be possible for me to record that right now? And they said I could, and so I was the voice of the theater where we did the thing, and, you know, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bumbershoot 2009. Please silence your cell phones. This evening's entertainment is provided to you by Sprint.

You know, and God, it felt great. It was so fun. That's hilarious. I didn't get paid or anything. And they were happy to let me. Like, if they had wanted to do it, they didn't want to do it. Well, you set the tone. Like, when I'm at the at the improvs like they used to do the old loud like good evening and i that that announcement sets the tone of the evening i don't care what club you're in it can

it can up the whole classiness of it because i like to do without music when i'm at the improvs i go good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the improv you'll notice tonight your wait staff will be whispering when taking your order we ask you to do the same because there is a live show going on we do have a zero challenge for heckling and we feel it's necessary to let you know that and i just love making that opening announcement because you feel the crowd like you know just going okay this is i don't care if you're in a jazz club in new york city where there's 40 people. When I've gone there, I've noticed it.

The ones that know how to run it, it could be 40 people. The house goes dark. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome. And then, you know, the lights come on and it's got to be like an event. And that voice, you're right, I love that voice. Okay, let's get back to these telephone calls. Things ruined by their fans. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. I just thought of a candidate for the things that are ruined by their fans.

I would guess my, the big one for me would be Adam Carolla. Just because, you know, I mean, I hadn't even considered him a thing I might be interested in until he started podcasting because of his fans. And then now he'll have guests like Jimmy Pardo or Doug Benson or just that Michael Ian Black. And I just drift on over to his comment section of his site, and it's just people calling really funny people pussies and asking when I'll have the car guy back on.

That's a really good one. That is a good one. There's been this really lively debate about Adam Carolla on the message board. Discussion, I would say. I feel like people are really good on our message board about not being jerks about discussing things. But I've been listening to adam carolla's podcast as well i had never spent a lot of time with it like i know jordan i bet i bet you were a big

love line listener when yeah yeah absolutely uh um uh love line uh i i i think everybody our age kind of knows what it is but it it started in the on the l.a. Alterna Rock station K-Rock and it was Adam Carolla and a a then straight-laced Dr. Drew and they would answer people's sex advice questions and it was always this kind of naughty you know thing that came on at you know 10 o'clock at night and you would stay up and listen to in junior high and you would giggle and try and figure out what they were talking about and yes yeah totally a big part of my childhood was Loveline. Whereas here I am. I grew up in the Bay Area.

I listened to Wild 107 and the Wake Up Crew. I was listening to the Urban Music Station to the extent that I was listening to music radio. It was never part of my world until he was on MTV, until Loveline was on MTV. And I thought that was really funny. And then the Man Show came on Comedy Central.

I did not care for the Man Show at all. Didn't think it was fun. I mean, they did something funny once in a while. I'm not saying they're not funny guys, but I didn't like the show. And so, like, I wasn't sure what to think of Adam Carolla until I watched...

And I didn't listen to his morning show, because obviously I'm a public radio host, mostly listening to public radio in the morning. You don't commute either. No, no, I don't commute. And I watched his movie, The Hammer, maybe six months ago, and I just thought it was great. I really liked it. I thought it was really funny. I thought it was heartfelt.

It was incredibly formulaic. I think that's the worst thing you could say of it like it really couldn't have been a more formulaic film but um like i thought it got everything right like he was great he was really funny there was like parts where he just said stuff that was just really funny it was clearly just him being really funny and so i when he started podcasting i started listening to it and he isn't he's a really interesting thing because he's very funny guy super funny guy um uh weirdly racist in surprising ways he'll sort of catch you by surprise by saying something kind of racist i have to interject here because that is where i think we talk about this all the time with stern that you know over the years stern has had an intelligent audience and

a dumb audience. And I think sometimes, and again, I am not saying this about Adam Carolla because I'm nervous. Like, oh, what if he listens? I'm like you. Not just a half-baked compliment to then insult him. I really like Adam Carolla. Yeah, so do I. I really enjoy the show.

And a lot of times he reminds me of how, sometimes I re-listen and he reminds me of how funny he is. He'll say something and I'll go, oh my God, he really hit that. That is really, yeah. You'll hear him say something and you'll be like, wow, that was really funny. But you do know where they get that double audience from. And I wonder if it's something, and again, I'm complimenting him, but I'm also not going to be honest with myself. I know how Stern could have done away with his dumb audience.

He let the audience not know where he stood on a lot of issues. And if he didn't, he would have gotten rid of a lot of people. And with Carolla, what you just said, you're wondering, does he do the same thing? You know, one of the things that I think about in terms of Carolla is, I just go back to this. I did this week hosting a morning radio show once. When I was in uh college i interned at xm there was nobody worked there i did a week hosting a morning radio show and like this what we're doing here is not that hard for me like it's not that hard like i i could do a better job

certainly but it's not like it's a struggle for me to do this um and and never was and the sound of young america always felt the same way it was always it was always pleasant it was never a struggle i definitely had to work hard to get better and everything but it never felt like oh my god what am i doing but when i did that morning show that was unbelievably difficult for me unbelievably difficult and what i think it and i think a lot of the things that people react negatively to about corolla who are people like me who are just fancy pantses that just listen to morning edition and stuff are things that are sort of amped up and and bred in and reinforced by format and um you know there's just a certain amount of having an opinion on

everything you have to have. And the opinion has to be an immoderate opinion. Your opinion can't just be, well, there's two sides to every story. Because once there's two sides to every story, then there's no conflict. So there's no way to talk for three straight hours. Yeah. I mean, I've even, you know, just growing up and being a guy who wanted to do something comedy and showbiz related, like, you know, my ideas about what my options are as to how to make a living in it have changed so drastically. It's like when I was, you know, in high school and I liked, you know, and I was obsessive about comedy and liked doing improv, I was thinking about what my options are. When I was obsessive about comedy and liked doing improv, I was thinking about what my options are. And it was like – and I was like, well, maybe I could be the funny morning guy on the morning zoo crew.

Like, you know, but now because there are 800 cable channels and there's podcasting and the internet, like you don't have to be a funny guy who squeezes into one of the funny guy packets. You can – you're a little bit more free to make your own thing i mean it's still an issue what am i going to do with myself but like and i also i don't want to suggest that carol is being insincere um because i don't think he is he's probably actually a little racist yeah um but you know like he's he's a pretty he feels like a pretty straight shooting guy it's just the the it it highlights those parts those things and i think it's part of why he's been successful as well so there's no reason for him to stop doing it but if you if you if you smell that the you know the racist thing and that and then you're going to sit here and you're going to be able to guess okay that's where you're

because i know where your smart audience comes from that's an easy one right because you're brilliant smart and fun because you're smart and funny funny and brilliant so we're not but we're not paying him any respects to sit here and think we're being uh insulting him but we're just he's smart and he's if he ever heard this he's not gonna we're not he's not gonna believe bullshit so if you're if you're a little racist doesn't mean you're the most racist person in the world well that's where your dumb audience is coming from yeah you know that that's and and that's okay because that's the audience really true because like when somebody the this caller, this caller called in to say that he visited the comments on Corolla's website. Yeah, don't do that. One time I looked his, I think it was the first show that Jimmy Pardo was on.

And I love Jimmy Pardo, the best, wonderful podcaster and everything. He was hilarious on Corolla's show, didn't know Corolla at all going in. He was great. Basically, it was just this huge list of people calling him a pussy or a faggot. Yeah, yeah. Hundreds of people. If I ever did interact with his fan base, if I went to Adam Corolla Con, my opinion of him would probably drop pretty drastically. But yeah, he's just kind of a guy who I experience alone in my car.

And you know what I don't – Did they defend? Did anybody at one point – because I love when I'm on a morning show. It happens maybe once a year, thank God. Usually it doesn't. But somehow there's a call or you're talking about something and someone calls in with something negative. And I love when the radio host of the show is secure enough to go,

no, cut him off. He's my guest today. Instead of perpetuating it and having the to go, no, cut him off, he's my guest today, instead of perpetuating it and having the caller go, get him all along because they know it makes good radio and then you're going to get someone heated. How did they deal with it on that show? I think Carolla gets what's funny about Jimmy Pardo. I mean, what's not to get?

You have to be a dope not to get it, you know what I mean? And Carolla was right on board. So I have no doubts about it. And, you know, fucking Carolla's not sweating it either that guy's got fucking 500 000 listeners to his podcast in a month or something and the other thing you know as far as you know we're sort of saying there's sometimes a reason where you get both audiences but but i think we have to acknowledge sometimes there is no reason like i'll give you an example like if you watch that's why i think you have to be careful not careful but me personally not to make the person a victim of their audiences in other words

i just wouldn't go to a live remote when i liked howard stern because i knew that's where all the dumb people showed up right so so you just don't go to a live remote but i'm sure conan o'brien about howard stern because there's all these people who dismiss howard stern they can't believe like i'm not i've never been a regular stern listener so i can't speak you know i I'm not there's lots of people who are and they're going to outclass me in a second if I try and get in a disagreement with them but if I say something off if I say something about some sort of hypothetical stern sometimes I'll say something nice about Howard Stern because I think he's a great interviewer I think he does a lot of amazing I think he just is amazing on the air he's just so skilled and brilliant and people will will be like, what the fuck? And then my usual go-to is that, based on my experiences, Ira Glass and Terry Gross

are both regular Howard Stern listeners. They both love Howard Stern. So if they can love it, so can we. Like, it's fine. Don't worry about it so much. That's a really good point. It certainly eases you. And I think when you say you like Howard Stern,

what people don't realize is they think what you heard was, I like Howard Stern. I respect everything he does. I never have criticism. No, I think even Howard Stern's biggest fans, hey, I love my brother, and my brother loves me, but he goes, I wish Todd would not do that, and I wish Todd wouldn't do this.

Of course I feel that way about Stern over the years. Some things he has stopped doing. But I think, yeah, I mean, no one would deny, or if they would deny it, they're delusional. That you don't have to be a huge fan of maybe the content of what he talks about. But being able to talk about something serious to silly and then not worry where it goes. Stern sort of made that, you know, he made that that's okay, you know. So, yeah, I'm not a huge, I not I've been I'm not huge fan of everything he does but I've same way I respect a lot

of what he does let's go back to this telephone calls here Jordan Jesse action item for the week thing that's been ruined for you by its audience my job I work a family guy and kind of fucking hate it.

Thanks for doing the show. It makes things easier. That's a great one for reasons I can't even... So is he meaning the fans of Family Guy? Yeah, I think so. At first I thought he meant the people that work with him. And that is actually a really, really good example, I think. it works. No, you know, and that's, and that, that is actually a really, really good example, I think, and, and, and Jesse and I, Jesse and I were in college, and in the dorms, maybe more specifically, during the zenith of, like, Family Guy DVD mania. This is kind of, like, after it had gotten canceled, and when everyone was buying the DVDs and kind of watching them, and, uh, you

know, it just became the, you know, when people heard that like Jesse and I were into comedy, you know, it just for some reason started a Family Guy quote off, you know, in the area and like, you know. And I didn't hate Family Guy then. That was the beginning. Like I when when Family Guy was on TV, like I thought it was OK. on TV, like, I thought it was okay. Like, I didn't think it was any great shakes or anything, but I thought it was, like, sort of like just another sort of second-rate version of The Simpsons that they had been putting on every, you know, once a year for 10 years. But, like, it had some funny stuff in it, you know?

Like, it was not without having its own voice and being funny. But then, yeah, that changed. It changed everything. Yeah. Because of the fans, you're saying? Yeah. And I think we definitely, you know, like, its audience was college kids,

and it was like college kids buying the DVDs who brought it back. And I think we were just like in that, you know, in that cloud of, you know, loud drunks yelling Family Guy things. Oh, my God. And, you know, like since then, I've really made my peace with it, and I definitely have said some nasty things about Family Guy in the past, and, uh, yeah, you know, it's, it's,

you know, it's lazy, and it's the same thing a lot, but, like, you know what, like, it honestly has some funny things in it, and it's, it's, you know, if you watch one, you'll have a couple good solid laughs, and, uh, you know, there's some talent behind it uh and and i i was definitely too hard on it i mean it still kind of sucks but like not not as bad as

i as i had you know ranted about in my you know in my in in the heights of my comedy snobbery it's not as bad as i had made it out to be does It does kind of suck, though. Oh, sure. If you have a show like that, then obviously you don't care. If I had a show on TV and I didn't perform live, how do we care? If you're a fan of the show, I don't care if you're – I don't want to say anybody's dumb or smart. So what do you know what I mean? All over the spectrum, people like me, people that I perceive to be dumb, I don't care.

The thing about performing live, though, is you're going to have to meet these people. And I'll tell you what, when I opened, about two years ago... And when you're a stand-up comic, you're not just, you're meeting people who are, you're meeting people who are your fans and are terrible. You're meeting people who just came to the comedy place. Well, let's say

that's actually a really good point, but let's say it's just people coming to see you. Let's say you're at that point in your career, which I'm not yet. i still have people come just to see me and then exactly what you just said they're just going to the comedy club that weekend to see a show bachelorette party they don't necessarily know who yeah right um uh luckily though thank god the a rooms are finally getting rid of the bachelorette parties they're pretty good at the a a a rooms it doesn't you, it doesn't, you know, it doesn't exist really anymore.

But still some, you know, it's funny you have to say AAA. There's still some A rooms that do it. Meaning in everything else, they get it. But anyway, back to real quick because you were just saying about, oh yeah, so when you perform live,

you know, when I opened up for David Cross, I remember thinking this. If the price I have to pay to have a smart audience come out and see me, because I thought I watched his audiences every night. And with David Cross, it was at the Irvine Improv. It was about two years ago. There was no mixed audience. It was just all pretty intelligent people.

Sure. And I thought, God, I'll wait the wait if this is the audience you get by putting out a product that's good. But like we're saying, sometimes the product's good, and it just gets a double audience. And I always fantasize, if I had that problem, what would I do? And you go, just say something to clear out those people. Go on Letterman and say, you know. David Cross has never been afraid to do that.

No. He put out an entire DVD of just him being mean to dumb people. So I think most of the time, when there is a double audience you can figure out why there's always exceptions i would imagine conan o'brien i'm like even if you don't like conan whoever you like late night let's say letterman at his best i'm a letterman fan i would imagine if you got 20 000 of letterman fans in the studio in a stadium there'd be some dumb ones or yeah or you know what I mean? Like, I'd like to believe not. I'm like,

how, cause I used to say, I'll give you an example. And I, it's an old example, but Kevin Meaney. Yeah. Yeah.

I used to think, come on, who dumb could love Kevin? Like what? You know what I mean? And you know what? Maybe we're right because you go look at when he would perform and man, there just seemed to be a lot of smart people in the audience.

No, no double, no double audience. I in the audience. No double audience. I think you can rid that double audience 99% of the time. There's always exceptions. But I believe if there's a double audience, you can find out why. But you know, one of the big secrets of being a great success is it may be just making your peace with the fact that you may have dumb people that like you. Especially if you're in anything with the broad.

Like, sure here we can say that as podcasters but if we're you know if we're even on comedy central one of 60 channels on basic cable um if you're if you're getting rid of half of your possible audience because they're too dumb you're you're really fucking yourself let me ask you this though like i even deal with it and again i'm not acting like i'm at the point of a Jim Carrey yet. You're pretty close, though. You're nearly Jim Carrey. Hold on.

I mean, you're Chevy Chase around the first vacation movie, I would say. You've got a Chris Katanish-ness about you. But I'll still go to say things on my podcast or on if it's podcast is usually what happens and i'll go off the air and i'll go to jimmy i'll go oh maybe i shouldn't have said that because then people won't come to the club because do you care if you rid dumb people that you don't what do you want coming to the club you're always going to have an audience. Don't worry about it. Look, if it means I'll be able to draw, I'm not even kidding around. If it means I can draw 700 in a city as opposed to 1,500, I'll go for drawing the 700. And I'm being honest.

I don't want to draw 30 either. I want to have it. But I think if you're honest and you don't worry about it, you just say what you say, and those people don't come to see you. And what are you stuck with if you just say what you say? A crowd that thinks what you think. I don't need to have like, you know, so those people don't come to see you. And what are you stuck with if you just say what you say? A crowd that thinks what you think. I don't need to have, like, you know, so that's what I try to do. Well, with Jimmy's help sometimes, you can say what you think. You're good.

You just ridded 50 people out. You don't need there anyway. Well, we got the incredibly integrity-full Mr. Todd T1 Glass here. We got the delightful curly-headed Jordan Morris here. Of course, myself wearing no cm socks we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

I'm T1. T1, you just broke your pop filter. I know I didn't. I've been trying to fix it. You just push it back in. I think it just pushes back in. Yeah, it's not that easy, Jesse. Apply a slight amount of pressure. People on the live stream, we've been live streaming, by the way, this week's show. This is fun. I like live streaming. And if you want to catch the live stream i announce it

on my twitter feed which is young american and we we stream this live sometimes we'll we'll respond to the chat during the todd is is playing around for the camera by putting the pop screen in front of his face we're having a good time right right? So follow me, Young American, on Twitter, Jordan, Jordan underscore Morris, and we'll give you the heads up when we're streaming live. We have a segment here on the show, Todd, called Momentous Occasions. When something truly amazing happens to someone, we ask them to give us a call and let us know as it's happening or in the immediate aftermath. Now, let's see what John the Intern and our delightful callers came up with this week. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Reed in Nashville.

I'm calling with sort of a momentous occasion i have decided in the past i don't know few hours time that i am only going to leave my home in nice clothes no sneakers no jeans no t-shirts and i'm gonna see how long i can do that. And I thought that, Jesse, you might appreciate that because I have your enthusiasm for suits and such, but I'm also thinking it might just make me a dick. And I want to know what you guys think about that. All right. I want to be clear. It very well might just make you a dick.

Yeah. I'm not, and I'm the one who's, you know, I'm the one who's in favor of wearing a necktie, wearing nice shoes, wearing a suit of clothes if you got it. But I try and wear them in situations where it's at least reasonably appropriate. Yeah, you know, I feel like a suit where it's not appropriate just might as well be Ren Faire gear. Or it's that same thing. It's that same like, let's freak out the normies it's that

same you know like like the kid who wore a suit to high school was just like you know yeah you're just being like you're being a little bit of a contrarian dick in the right situations obviously i agree with what you're talking about you can push it sometimes but in the right situations i i i i hope i stand for a lot of people out there that are going, I feel the same way. I sweat. I am a sweater. Yeah. And I have wanted to wear a suit on stage. I love it.

I did Jimmy Kimmel a few months ago, and I wore a suit for the first time ever, ever doing TV. I wore a suit, and I loved it. It just felt good, and the suit fit right. But at a TV studio, it's dirty below. But I always see when I see everyone out. you know at a tv studio you know it's dirty below and uh but i always see when i see everyone out i just saw you know when i see paul tom paul f tomkins out or uh or uh you know greg proops in the suit i always think i love it and to perform in it you feel like a million bucks but i just sweat i don't know i think what can i wear you know because i just sweat all the time so this is what i end up being comfortable in so but on the other hand you got a fresh new shirt what's

that from target this is from target yeah so you look good you got a v-neck there which is what i end up being comfortable in so but on the other hand you got a fresh new shirt what's that from target this is from target yeah so you look good you got a v-neck there which is good i think that's a good call yeah well it's a v-neck but it's a tight v-neck that's a very very tight v no it's not a deep v that's a tight v which is which is great for casual wear as an outerwear piece i'm in support of that deep v deep v-neck i think that's the worst thing in the world i think that is the single worst clothing garment a man can wear is one of those fucking american apparel v-necks where the it goes down to your sternum you know what i'm talking about you know those now what about for a suit i fucking hate that what about for a suit because sometimes when i wear a suit i wear deep v so you can see that when you're wearing a standard v you're talking about a standard v

because i think it's important like if you're going a standard V, you're talking about a standard V. Standard V, just so you... Because I think it's important, like, if you're going to wear an undershirt, I don't think your undershirt should be visible under your shirt, so I support, if you're wearing an open-collar shirt, for example, I say go for it,

wear a V-neck, a regular V-neck, like, if you just go grab through-the-loom V-neck, that'll be a V-neck that goes down to, you know, what I'm talking about goes down to, like,

the bottom of your sternum, so it almost grazes your nipples on the V. You know that kind of, you know that kind of shirt I'm talking about? I know. I really think that might be the worst. I was talking with my wife Teresa about this the other day. And what, and I said this to her. I said like, there's these sort of like, I guess like our block, there's this one building where there's relatively more like fashion students or they're,

you know, the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising or whatever that's called, maybe is near here or something. I've just heard, and there's just a lot of dudes who need to eat something and just tone it down a little bit. And I keep seeing that. I'm like, God, I fucking hate that. Like, I'm not against getting dressed. I'm not against fashion, you know. But I, like, just, the deep V-neck. And Teresa said, you know what? It's really gross to me.

And I was like, that's exactly a perfect distillation of how I feel about the deep V-neck. It's gross. Like, I just don't like seeing that part of the body of a man in that context. It's weird. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. It makes you think a dick's going to pop up. Exactly. That's exactly what's going on, Jordan.

A dick's going to pop up out of his shirt. You know what I feel that way about? I think it's tank tops. I'll be very honest and secure with myself to say there are some people that can wear a tank top. It just doesn't look gross. I don't know what it is. It could be the way they're built it could be hey you're talking about you're talking about women uh men and women okay fine fine fine go ahead continue but and especially on in stage uh now for when i see a few guys that have worn tank tops on stage over the long period of my

career without naming anybody i think it's very self-indulgent now tell me do not just appease me tell me i only say it can say one of two things i really don't tell me if you know you might agree with me go well it could say three todd you're really not being fair it says one of two things can i go up to four if i need to yes you can go up to four one i hope i remember this one it says i think I'm attractive where I look good in this. Right. Where I'm not, or two, you might go, that doesn't mean that. Or I don't care what people might be eating while watching my show. They'll have to look at my armpit hair.

So you're saying, look at my armpit hair and I don't care if it's gross. Or no, my body is sexy. One or the other, it's just, put a fucking shirt on on the stage. Here's a list of people that I'm comfortable wearing a tank top in public besides women. We're talking about gentlemen. There's a complete list. LL Cool J. That's it.

If LL wants to wear it, you know what I mean? That's why ladies love Cool James. You know what I mean? And also, how can you make fun of what's crazy in life or what you're making fun of at a tank top? It's like a joke itself. I can imagine if I was leaving my head. Oh, a comedian wearing a tank top. No way.

But there are a few. That's not comedy. That's not what comedy is. Yeah, and you're going to go make fun of somebody? It's like you're going to wear a tank top and go, hey, make fun of people. You can only imagine a guy in a tank top making fun of people in the audience. Hey, you're wearing a tank top! Hello!

Can I say that it should be necessary that Vin Diesel wear a tank top at all times? Because he looks weird when he's not in one. I feel like when Vin Diesel is in a full shirt, I'm just like, where's your tank top, asshole? I hope there's somebody like this, because if not, I'm going to look stupid.

Is there a person you could... Like Vin Diesel. this sounds crazy i know who it is i've heard his name i have no idea what he looks like oh is there any actor out there like that that you could go yeah i know i've heard their name or am i a moron so uh just just earlier today tom lennon was looking at something in a video game he was sitting in my living room playing video games. I know that sounds strange, but you're just going to have to accept it as a premise. And he said, doesn't that look like Rose McGowan? I have no idea what Rose McGowan looks like.

I only can remember Rose McGowan because I know it's a famous person, and he said it earlier, and I was perplexed by it. I do know who Rose McGowan is. She was in that... Titanic? No, no, no. Did you see the... You're thinking of Leonardo DiCaprio.

No, Rose, his girlfriend. Her real name. You know what you're thinking of? Rose? The Titanic. Oh, what did I say? That's a boat. You said Rose McGowan.

It was actually the Titanic. And what did I say? You said Rose McGowan. You said Rose McGowan. You were thinking of but you were thinking, you said Rose McGowan. You were thinking of an enormous ocean cruise liner from the early 20th century. You know who I can't picture? You know who I can't picture? This spruce goose everybody's always talking about.

No, but hold on. Okay, next call, next call, next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Trevor from New Westminster calling. I have a momentous occasion. I was just out jogging at about 11.30 listening to Jordan and Jesse go, as it turns out.

And somebody in a car drove by and hurled a rock at me. And it just grazed the little fleshy part of skin above my knee and then smashed into like a retaining wall in someone's yard or something like that. A retaining wall in someone's yard?

Do I know what a retaining wall is? And I was a little bit scared. My instincts kicked in. And I turned around, raised my fist, and said, Assholes! As they drove off. That's a...

That's weird and scary, right? What's a retaining wall? A retaining wall holds something back. So like in somebody's yard, it might be they have like a slightly elevated, so it keeps the grass and dirt from going onto the sidewalk. I had that happen once to me,

and you can all imagine that would annoy you. Obviously, oh, someone threw Rocky. It's so, so, so, so much more violating because I think of myself as someone that's always able to say, obviously oh someone through rocky it's so so so so much more violating because you you know i think of myself as someone that's always able to say like you know appreciate life and when there's even i'm going full circle here but you'll know where i'm going with this when there's people in the business that aren't nice any business not just show business any business and that make your life miserable i have pretty ironclad that you should treat people with respect and dignity

and try to be a decent person and when people come along that aren't like that just take a deep breath they're they're punished not do god did james cameron throw a rock at you not through god they're not punished just by their own miserable life you know they're punished so you think well let it all take effect when you're walking down the street or on your bike and throw them and throws a rock at you and just you know it's hard to get to that place. I had dreams of getting retaliation for like a week.

Because someone... So how just for no goddamn reason that person threw a rock at me. I'd be happier if I found out no, they were at one of your shows. They don't like you. At least there's a reason just for some random fuck to throw a rock at you. You want to just catch up with them.

And I don't believe in violence and just choke them until they're a second away from being dead and then letting them come back to life to only repeat it. You know, it's like I know that. You know what I'm saying? It's just such a it's such a for no reason because they're not kind enough. Am I right? Yeah. OK. Here's the thing, Todd. Like, I'm kind enough. Am I right? Yeah. Okay. That's kindness.

Here's the thing, Todd. Like, I'm amazed that you have that reaction. People have thrown things at me before. I think I've talked on the show. This guy called in to complain about me telling stories about growing up in the hood. Fuck you, guy. Is this the battery story? Yeah, so people threw batteries about me.

It's a very popular story that you like to tell. Okay, well, it's a fucking defining moment in my life. If someone had thrown batteries at you off the top of a building when you were nine, it would be an important part of who you were. It happened, and I don't go out on a night. Just for your sake, I was actually walking to church, and I live right by the projects in San Francisco,

and some people threw batteries at me and my mom, like C&D batteries from the top of the projects, which was like five stories up. So like, seriously, like if it hit our head, we're going to kill us. No doubt about it. It was super scary, but that's like nothing compared to when we were, when, when Teresa and I were living in San Francisco, we lived in this neighborhood that was, um, we lived across the street from the projects where there was a bunch of like shootings and shit, but then like a block away was super fancy stuff so like we were sort of like living like we didn't have very much money to live in a fancy neighborhood so we were like

living in the closest thing we could get to a fancy neighborhood which was in the fancy neighborhood but also across the street from super scary ass projects and the one thing that terrified me more than anything else and i think the difference between me and you todd is my reaction is just terror i have no i have no i have no instinct towards retribution being for comedic purposes absolutely no but i mean i can't like growing up where i grew up and just being like the skinny gay white kid obviously i'm not actually gay but like having the affect of a skinny gay white kid there was no dad there was no doubt that i was not going to fight back if anything happened to me it's just terror but the scary thing that happened the scary thing that happened we were living in san francisco was i was driving a car with um

rotor uh isn't it called drum brakes with drum brakes i was driving a 65 dodge dart at the time it just shitty brakes on this car. Did not work well. And little kids, like 8, 10 year old kids, 8, 10, 12 year old kids would jump into the street in front of your car. So you would have to slam on the brakes. You know, you're just going 30 miles an hour,

however fast you just go, you go on a city street, but would just to freak you out. And then they laugh at you, point at you, call you a bitch slap your car and you know you drive around them because what the fuck can you do right that is so terrifying because you're so powerless because what the fuck are you going to do get out of your car and beat up this little kid like and who has a death wish already yeah but yeah exactly

he just called you a bitch you know like what the fuck can you do it's so scary and that's how i feel anytime any kind of shit like that goes on and like i can like like i it doesn't happen that much to me anymore because i'm big so people don't really step to me and i and i you know i know how to avoid that situation and you know just because i i know how to you know i know how to that situation. But when some shit like that does go down, it just terrifies me. Well, you know, by the way, I'm the biggest chicken in the world. So that's why that was my fantasy. But I know I always get teased by going too serious on it.

But I always do wonder, what do you do? Like, what should your fantasy be if you're one with yourself and somebody throws a rock and it hits your bike how can you not i mean check this out todd how about somebody throws a rock at you you catch it and drop it that would be without moving that's fucking awesome right you never saw that happen you just catch it and you drop it that's the cool i just saw it happen in my mind's eye and it was amazing i i know this is a weird thing and again i'm i'm pretty let's say let's say a little kid jumps out in front of your car you just catch him and drop him into a school yeah you got it okay well we or some sort of vocational program we're running our

mouths we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne La, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Todd Glass is doing a fucking dance with his pop filter. I was pretending I was driving it like a car. It was fun. It was fun. You're right, Todd.

It is circular. You'll notice that they are circular. Just like the driving wheel of a car. You know how cars have driving wheels? I do. You know what I'm talking about. A is circular. You'll notice that they are circular. So that's why I thought that was funny. Just like the driving wheel of a car. You know how cars have driving wheels? I do. You know what I'm talking about. A driving wheel. For driving.

Sure. Well, this was a fun show, right? Fun show. We got Todd Glass here. I want to make sure people know about the totality of the Todd Glass experience here. Number one, they can enjoy Todd Glass's, frankly frankly borderline unhinged ranting on comedy and everything else um they can hear about what did you say i'm curious what you just said well no i know it sounded like nodding along it sounded sort of good but i thought wait that

could have been an insult frantically say it again okay i said frankly borderline unhinged ranting i was referring only to your revenge fantasies which we all agreed were amplified for comic effect there's no doubt about it todd is actually an extraordinarily sweet nice guy there's it's obvious who just has the occasional choke fantasy i mean he'll just choke him i mean he's he has choked men. Sure, but who hasn't? Who hasn't? He just wants them to be nicer, kinder. In this economy. Sometimes people need to be tortured until they're nice. Okay, so Todd Glass, you can listen to Todd Glass on comedy and everything else.

You can find that for absolutely 100% for free in the information tunes, as our friend James Pardo would call it. iTunes, as our friend James Pardo would call it. He's got the brand new comedy CD that you can get as a digital download in your iTunes, your Amazon MP3s, your whatnots. It's called Thin Pig. Todd Glass, Thin Pig. It's done well. We've sold about 140,000 copies in two weeks.

That's pretty solid. It's crazy. That's a great performance. That's better than, say, Spin Doctors. I'm just naming some bands that sell a lot of records. Spin Doctors, certainly. It's doing ten times better than I thought it would do. So Thin Pig, please go buy it.

Thin Pig. You should buy it. I sincerely, you know, I said this before, and a problem that I have in my day-to-day life is that I sound insincere when I'm saying things sincerely. But Todd Glass, really one of the funniest people you could ever get the chance to see on the stand-up stage. Just a really brilliant performer, and Jordan and I have talked outside of about how much we love and admire Todd Glass's work on the stage, so something you should really see. Thank you. And as it so happens, if you live in the San

Francisco Bay Area, as a lot of our people do, you can head down to the Punchline. Yeah, the second week in August, I'm sorry I don't have the exact date, but I'll be at the Punchline in San Francisco, obviously. Which is really, if you're going to go see a comedy show in a comedy club, you really can't beat the Punchline. It's everything about that club. It's like vacation for me because they run it, they know what they're doing. And one other quick thing, real quick.

Sure. At the end of August, the 28th and the 29th i'll be in portland oregon at this place called the hawthorne theater they have a big room that holds 500 but i'm not in that room i'm doing a little small show in a side room but it's basically at the hawthorne theater in portland oregon the 28th is this put on by those good the good folks from the bridge town comedy festival and the matt brongers and the whole Nine Yards. Yeah, it's the main guy who books that festival. Why am I drawing a blank to his name?

Talking about him big. Andy Wood. Yeah, the great Andy Wood. What a nice fellow that Andy Wood is. He is a nice guy. Private listener to the show, I think. Yeah, so I'm in the Portland at Hawthorne Theater, the 28th and 29th of August. So go buy your tickets, and I actually can't wait to go to Portland.

I bet you'll get a good crowd at that Portland show. Because it'll be people who come out because they know they get what you're doing. I hope. Because, you know, this is the first time, and I've been doing comedy for a long time, where I'm doing what I'm doing there. Usually I go to a comedy club. You know, they do everything. I've had promoters bring me into a theater.

But at this one, it's sort of just me wanting to go back there so i like that venue i asked the owner i said hey can i do the 28th and 29th here he goes yeah we'll put the tickets up on the website so whatever i promote it that's who goes so there's no built-in audience so you should go see it folks okay thank you for having me on the show i it's a pleasure to have you we're so happy i was a little nervous believe it or not no i wasn't nervous it was a pleasure to have you. We're so happy. I was a little nervous, believe it or not. No, you weren't nervous. I was a little bit, yes. You're a pro. We're a couple of galoots.

I know, but still, it's... You go toe-to-toe with Mr. Jimmy Dore every week. Oh, right. And we're not, you know, we're just a couple of... We're just a couple of yokels futzing around on microphones.

Making moonshine in our bathtub. Hey, Jordan, speaking of making moonshine in the bathtub, we'll probably get one show in before this happens, but you're going to be making the moonshine in our Jordan and Jesse Go! bathtub in August. Yeah, yeah. I think in August

Jesse's going on a little vacay, so I'm going to be maybe hosting some shows. Oh. You know, please give an email if you have suggestions for guests. I'm sure as heck not going to be maybe hosting some shows. Oh. You know, please give an email if you have suggestions for guests. I'm sure as heck I'm not going to do it alone. No. So, yeah, if you have suggestions for guests you'd want to see, please.

Put them up on the forum maybe is a great place to put them. Yeah. Oh, hey, as incentive to go see Todd Glass, we still have the High Five Contest going on, don't we? High Five Contest. Okay, let's talk about the High Five Contest for a second because I'm glad you brought this up. People been asking me what's the story with a high five contest end of the month how does that sound end of july end of july okay unless you want to

take it over be in charge of it for august you want to be in charge of it for august yeah i say let's stretch it out for a couple of uh so a couple weeks people can include in their high five end of august what's this end of august here's how it works there's a point system people need to high five people and take a photograph of it you get one point for a photograph for every photograph of a high five you can't get points for people that you've already photographed taking a high five with so you can't just go around with your buddy and take a bunch of pictures of the two of you high five and get a million points so it has to be a new person in each photograph you get extra points for uh the following high-fiving a baby high-fiving an animal high-fiving in front of a major landmark

uh in your local area high-fiving a celebrity now celebrity includes all past jordan jesse go and the sound of young america guests as well as major celebrities as determined by a jury of your peers, which is to say the arbitrary judgment of myself and Jordan. Last time we ran this contest, somebody had a nice high-five picture with Yao Ming. Really? Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets. That was a very high five. A very Chinese five. I thought you meant the president when you said it. That's what I was like. A basketball five. A very Chinese five. I thought you meant the president when you said it.

That's what I was like. A basketball five. President Yao Ming? I don't know. It sounded like a president. He's got my vote. And we're going to put together an amazing prize package for the winner. I haven't decided what it is.

There'll probably be some cash dollars, American. I'm going to kick it off with $20, a sawbuck. Wow. Will you match, Jordan? You prepared to match? Yeah, I'll match. I'll match. I'll give something towards it.

Okay, Todd. I want to see some good high fives. How about dinner at my house? I would do it. Okay, so we got $40 and dinner at Todd Glass. Dinner with Todd Glass. Now, let's be clear. You have to use the $40 to buy the dinner. Todd Glass

is only providing the house. No, no. I'll treat the dinner. We'll start with 20 bucks from each of us, and we'll put together... I got all this crap. It just comes in here. You know what I mean? Just stuff that gets mailed to me because I host a radio show. We're going to put together a real nice prize package for the winner.

I got some crap I'll throw in there, too. Hello! I'm on TV. I get mail crap, too. We're basically going to put together an entire box full of crap. We're not going to pad it. We're just going to throw it in the box, tape it up, and mail it to you, you fucker, and see what happens. You know what I mean? Okay, we've been running our mouths

for far too long. We had a lot of fun here with Mr. Todd Glass. Comedy and everything else, Thin Pig, Punchline, Portland, Oregon. We had a lot of good time with Mr. Jordan Morris from There you go. Comedy and everything else, Thin Pig, Punchline, Portland, Oregon. We had a lot of good time with Mr. Jordan Morris from Fuel Television. Of course, myself,

The Sound of Young America, and et cetera. Our theme music, Love You by The Free Design from Kites Are Fun, the best of the free design. Someone said there's more than one best of the free design.

Kites are fun. And of course, Jordan's driving his pop filter like it was the wheel of a car. We'll be back next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. We love you. 12.59 a.m. God damn it, Jesse.

Santa Cruz High fucking sucks. Oh, my God. Those little fucking cocksuckers egged my car. Ooh. Ooh, they will pay. Man, I was over at fucking James and Mike's, I mean Mike's place, right, with James. We were watching The Usual Suspect, and then the movie's over, and so I'm headed back, and right by fucking Bay and Empire Grades,

something comes out and hits the windshield. I figure it's an egg or a water balloon or something, right? Get back up to Porter, take a look at it. Fucking egg, right on the top of the windshield. Ah, those little punks are going to fucking pay. If I had my baseball bat in the car, I would have pulled over, fucking turned around and beat the shit out of those assholes. Anyway, that's all for now. Bye. End of message.